#but the effects of misogyny and toxic masculinity still affect us because of how we are perceived

[alexsfictionaddiction]

Review: Hexed by Julia Tuffs

All of my favourite YA books seem to feature girls fighting against what life is trying to give them and I had a craving for a witchy fix. So I requested Hexed and was delighted when I was accepted.

Jessie Jones' mum moves the family around a lot and they’ve recently settled on the Isle of Wight, where her mum grew up. Jessie wants nothing more than to keep a low profile at her new school but unfortunately for her, some long buried magical powers are about to come into their own and there isn’t much that Jessie can do about it. And it turns out that these new abilities might just come in handy when combatting the intense toxic masculinity and misogyny.

Jessie tries her hardest to be average because she hates the idea of the spotlight being on her. She has a snarky, occasionally sarcastic, voice and I knew exactly who she was from the very first page. I had no doubt that she had the potential to get things done and the story certainly revealed that to be the case!

I would have liked to see more interaction between Jessie and her sister Bella. They apparently go to the same school with just two years (I think) between them and yet I don’t think they see each other at school at all. We know at the beginning of the book that they aren’t very close but I expected Jessie to want to become closer to Bella sooner than she did, especially when they were both hit with the same bombshell at exactly the same time. As the book progresses, they do begin to repair their relationship and it was really lovely to see that unconditional sisterly bond still alive and well at the very end.

Jessie’s Nonna has the vibes of a ‘super witch’, who could probably do literally anything. She is a free-spirited, wise old lady who I really wanted to have delicious herbal tea with. I also really enjoyed the elemental approach to witchcraft that the book takes. These are the kind of witches who preach kindness and have complete respect for nature. Their magic is only used to bring about justice and reduce the amount of evil in the world. Perhaps we should all strive to use our own forms of magic to do the same.

A big theme of the book is the notion of changing yourself to fit in. It’s something that the vast majority of people do because it’s simply easier to get by in life, if you don’t stand out from the crowd. Jessie is quite critical of her classmates for doing this but she doesn’t even realise until it’s pointed out that she does it herself. She hides her smarts because she hates attention of any kind. Perhaps the most important message of the novel is that our differences and perceived ‘flaws’ that aren’t really flaws are the things that we should amplify and encourage other people to celebrate.

One thing that Jessie is great at is realising that everyone has multiple facets to their character. She takes the time to get to know popular girl Libby, who really isn’t very nice to her, and she learns that actually Libby has plenty of insecurities and struggles just like everyone else. Being willing to listen to our ‘enemies’ and try to come to a sort of understanding is a really admirable quality to have.

There is a point where Jessie does some research into her own family history and discovers the story of her ancestor Molly Downer. Molly lived in a time where she was villified for being who she was, like so many women both then and even now. Just like these stories are the inspiration for so many of our own feminist fights, It’s this that drives Jessie to tackle the own disgusting prejudices amongst the male population of her school. 

Sexism is still very prevalent in pretty much every aspect of society. Growing up female is a lot tougher than you’d think, if you were fortunate enough to not experience it. It’s much more subtle now and you’d be forgiven for perhaps not even noticing it but that doesn’t make it a problem of the past. If left unchecked, even these subtle examples, will show their effects on girls as they grow into women. Some may choose not to speak their mind in the presence of men because they expect to be interrupted. Some may not trust in their own opinions over that of a man because they’ve always been deemed as less important. Some may never reach their full potential because they were never given the space to explore their abilities. This book really made me think about all of tese things and how my own upbringing and education perhaps affected who I am now.

‘Be the change you want to see.’

Hexed is a fun, quirky YA book about fighting the patriarchy, female friendship and discovering your true power. There are some great characters arcs too and I loved how the author managed to weave in some very real issues such as toxic masculinity, consent, bullying and even climate change. Yes, it’s a witty witch fantasy but it reads very much like an issues-based contemporary, making it the best of both worlds!

[brudenellgrooveleeds-blog]

Brudenell Groove meets... Support After Rape and Sexual Violence in Leeds (SARSVL)

Approximately 85,000 women and 12,000 men are raped in England and Wales alone every year; that's roughly 11 rapes (of adults alone) every hour.  1 in 5 women aged 16 - 59 has experienced some form of sexual violence since the age of 16. Despite statistics like these, our Conservative government continues to cut funding for the domestic and sexual violence sectors. On the 8th of March – note, International Women’s Day –  the Spring budget was revealed, announcing an additional £20m for domestic violence services in addition to the £12m generated from the tax on sanitary products (the irony of women paying for their own protective services via a tax on products which many deem a basic necessity for their mental and physical health does, surely, not need explaining). In light of the 31% decrease in funding to women’s services since 2010, this £20m is a drop in the water – prominent direct action organisation Sister’s Uncut are calling it ‘humiliating’, reminding us of the 34 refuges that have closed in the last 7 years and proposing that the remaining domestic violence support services would be ‘forced to fight among eachother for this temporary pot of cash’. Sexual violence services, on the other hand, received nothing. It costs £70m annually to run Rape Crisis England and Wales, which currently has a £10m budget shortfall, yet will not see any of this additional money. Vital services are being forced to close, and those that remain open are being pushed to the limit, because of a shortsighted government which does not prioritise feminist issues. When I met up with Cesca Taylor, helpline volunteer at Support After Rape and Sexual Violence in Leeds (SARSVL), one of the charities we’re supporting with our next party, I ask her if its difficult to separate politics from her work with the charity. ‘I think its really political, for me. I see it as a form of political activism. Hearing people’s personal stories makes you really angry and makes you want to do more. I started SARSVL and then decided to do gender studies as my masters, which is telling. We need to be doing more –  whether that’s directly supporting people or standing up to misogyny.’ SARSVL is Leeds’ Rape Crisis centre, and Cesca explains that it is split into three strands; the helpline, which provides emotional listening support; the counselling service, which provides more therapeutic support; and the advocacy service, which is run by Independent Sexual Violence Advisor Services, who provide practical support to survivors who have reported to the police or are considering reporting to the police. Cesca has been working on the helpline for over a year, a service which is run entirely by volunteers. It’s a women-only service, which means it is run by women and supports any self-identifying woman, inclusive of trans and LGBTQ+. ‘We get asked loads of questions about why we provide a women-only service, and of course we are aware that men experience sexual violence, but the survivors that we support ask for women-only safe spaces because that’s where they feel safe, and that’s what’s important.’ Providing this service as a volunteer is not to be taken lightly. New recruits undertake 12 weeks of ‘really intensive training’ in order to provide the non-judgmental emotional listening support, which is provided over the phone, via text, email and face to face (translators and interpreters are available, including sign language). ‘The helpline is quite heavy, emotionally, so I think you do really need to be a specific kind of person to get involved with that side of volunteering. It’s a big commitment to do it every week, so you really have to have the time to do it – both the shift and then doing your self-care properly.’ Vicarious trauma is taken seriously at the charity, and volunteers debrief after every shift and particularly difficult calls, whilst maintaining complete confidentiality. ‘It’s important to maintain awareness of how the job can affect you, and look after yourself’, and for this they have recently recruited a specialist to spend a day working with the volunteers on self-care mechanisms. 

So what can we do to support SARSVL and their work, besides making a donation? As a collective and at our nights, the best thing Brudenell Groove can do is ‘awareness raising. It needs to be made clear that sexual violence or assault will not be tolerated. Creating safe spaces is so important.’ It’s no secret that misogyny is rife in dance music culture, with under-representations of women both behind the decks and on the dancefloor. One of the consequences of clubs existing as generally male-dominated spaces is the disturbing regularity of sexual assaults that occur in them, to the point where certain acts are deemed so commonplace that they are de-valued as forms of assault, and brushed off as merely an ingrained part of the female clubbing experience. When discussing the issue with female friends, we all admitted to instances of being touched inappropriately or spoken to in a way that has made us feel uncomfortable, yet not mentioning it to anyone at the time because we’ve become so used to experiencing that kind of behaviour in a clubbing environment. This response needs to be unlearnt. It’s precisely these so-called lesser instances that we need to start consistently calling out, as keeping quiet in order not to make a fuss or ruin the fun not only detracts blame from the perpetrators and supports the ludicrous narrative that women should anticipate some level of sexual assault every time they go out to dance, but (in the absence of punishment for the attacker) positively reinforces the act and plants the seed for more serious forms of sexual violence outside of the club. At our parties, Brudenell Groove are trying to encourage people to speak out about abusive behaviour by having designated and clearly-labelled members of the team to talk to if you are feeling threatened and don’t feel comfortable raising it with the bouncers or the staff. In addition, we have begun including a message detailing our zero-tolerance policy towards all forms of bigoted behaviour and assault on our event listings, and have been working with Wire and HiFi, encouraging them to put up signs in the club with a similar message, and commit to a safer spaces policy. Cesca is positive about such measures whilst remaining frank, making clear that ‘ultimately, the way to stop rape and assault is for the perpetrators to stop raping and assaulting. Rape is about power, and is not the victim’s fault.’ ‘Challenging victim blaming is one of the main things we do. During the training to be a helpline volunteer, you are not only provided with the tools to provide the emotional listening support, you engage in full days of myth-busting.’ We agree that the media play a deadly role in perpetuating myths about sexual violence, regularly engaging in victim blaming. ‘During the training you look at a lot of portrayals of victims in the media and find more often than not that the media corroborate with the perpetrators.’ We discuss the notorious Ched Evans case, and how his retrial and the subsequent media coverage (where lawyers were permitted to use statements from the victim’s ex-partners about her sexual preferences as evidence to support the defendant, and demonstrate that she had not been raped) seemed like a step backwards in terms of encouraging victims to report and reassuring them they’ll be believed. ‘No wonder people don’t want to report. Cases like that suggest that if you do you will be picked apart by lawyers and then the media and then you’re back to square one –  then you have to pick yourself up from that in addition to trying to heal. Its awful.’ While the overall situation could be interpreted as bleak, it’s important to remain grounded in practical change. Overall Cesca argues that the most important measure towards decreasing instances of sexual assault will be to implement ‘more comprehensive sex education and consent lessons’ in schools, and welcomes the announcement from Education Secretary Justine Greening earlier in March that Relationships & Sex Education is finally to be made compulsory in all schools. Challenging the attitudes that contribute to people committing sexual violence, such as toxic notions of masculinity and misinterpretations of consent, is vital - and encouraging young people to discuss these issues is the right place to start. It’s important, too, to celebrate and support organisations like SARSVL who are having direct, positive effects on women’s lives. Cesca reels off a list of local charities working alongside SARSVL, which I have included as an appendix – a reminder that there is a network of people working hard and, ultimately, making constructive change. While the success of SARSVL’s services is a difficult thing to measure, Cesca notes that in the comments books at the centre, service users often comment that they ‘feel better’ after a call. ‘Some survivors have spent a lifetime not being believed, which can make you feel worthless. To let someone know that they are believed and they are being listened to is very valuable.’   Cesca is optimistic about the future of SARSVL, and explains how they are developing and improving the charity to meet the needs of the service-users. The counselling service, which is relatively new, has had a large response, and they are planning to recruit new counsellors to help manage the quantity of people who are interested in using it. In addition, SARSVL hope to expand the helpline by opening more lines, with the long term goal of running a 24-hour service. Discussing the potential ramifications of funding cuts, Cesca explains that due to the helpline being entirely volunteer run, even if SARSVL lost all of it’s funding, the helpline, at least, would still run, and that ‘we pride ourselves on this.’ With such an extensive service and commitment to the survivors they support, Cesca and SARSVL have every right to be proud.

 List of Women’s services in Leeds:

The SARC is a place that survivors can self-refer without reporting. It provides services to victims of rape or sexual assault regardless of whether the victim chooses to report the offence to the police or not.

Leeds’ Women’s Aid is a charity which provides support to women and children who have been affected by domestic violence.

Getaway Girls is a charity supporting vulnerable women aged 11-25 to empower and develop skills.

Karma Nirvana provides training to help prevent forced marriages and honour based abuse within the UK and beyond.

Basis Sex Work Project offers information, safety and support for female and transgender women working in the sex industry, living or working in Leeds.

Disabled Survivors Unite focuses on creating change for disabled survivors of abuse and sexual violence.

Rethink Mental Illness is a charity working to create a better life for those affected by mental illness. Interview by Charlotte Bickley

[thesinglesjukebox]

JUICE WRLD - ROBBERY

[3.50]

With album number two, Juice WRLD steals some of our hearts...

Ian Mathers: Everything about this dude is totally charmless. If anything his delivery is getting worse; if you played this for me blind, I'd probably think it's the vocal track from the total dregs of Myspace emo slowed down a bit and "remixed" into a quasi-rap song. And that shit isn't even worth it for novelty. [1]

Thomas Inskeep: He does like to whine and bitch and moan, doesn't he? [2]

Jacob Sujin Kuppermann: If Juice WRLD weren't so painful sincere, I'd assume he was trolling us. Why else would he keep releasing songs with the same noxious combination of woe-is-me caterwauling and glibly misogynistic boasting? It's not that he's unable to do anything else -- his freestyles indicate an ability to rap compellingly about things other than flexing on women who wronged him. It doesn't seem like he needs to make music like "Robbery" to be successful, either -- "Armed & Dangerous," the single directly preceding this one, was standard boast rap and it did just fine on the charts. So why are we here again, having to talk about another Juice WRLD single that sounds just as sad and angry and impotent as all the rest? With everything else eliminated, we must contemplate the most horrifying possibility of all: Juice WRLD makes this music because he thinks, truly and deeply, that it is good. [0]

Ryo Miyauchi: The graphic metaphor of putting a wounded heart in a bag aptly sums up the redeemable value others seem to find in Juice WRLD's music. His out-of-range voice further accents the supposed rawness of his confessions with the slurry side effect given context in the song. Yet like the rest of his catalog, "Robbery" only becomes compelling if one assumes him as not only the one whose wrongs done to him must be righted but the chosen methods to right it are justified. From one-upping as a cover-up of his insecurity to throwing rocks at one's window, the acts of bitterness he stamps approval for never sits right no matter how melodic and pop he can package it. [4]

Iris Xie: "Robbery" is fun and intense, with its many little expressions of its dysfunctional conviction and willingness to be vulnerable to the point of being risk embarrassment and accusations of melodrama. It functions almost like an arcade claw machine for how many different little opportunities there are for the listener to grab on to. I've wondered what it would take for emo to be brought back in 2019, and this song is clear evidence that emo's roots in unbridled rawness are some really good bones, but switching the sound from rock to trap beats and drums reveals that there is plenty of room to experiment and move forward. For me, though, I adore "Robbery" because it is what I actually wished Fort Minor's "Remember the Name" was, a song that was practically a mandatory listen as an Asian American teen in the early '00s. Unlike "Remember the Name," which seemed docile and dutiful in its allegiance to being friendly and repeatable about working hard, and was pretty much hip hop-lite for scared suburban kids, "Robbery" pushes much harder on the underlying sentiments that come with trying to desperately imprint a sense of self on to situations of their own making. I appreciate the assonance and consonance in "I'm a whole different person/ It's a gift and a curse/ But I cannot reverse it," which results in a straight shot rhyme that matches the flayed sentiments of the song. Also, Juice WRLD surprisingly wins me over with that wailing exclamation of "I need to go home" in a while, which is matched by how he almost puts everything into the lines "You always give me butterflies/When you come around." There is no forced play-acting at trying to be mature with sad experiences either -- this is the pain of being passed down toxic, awful advice that turns relationships into power moves, and chances for vulnerability into walled-off endings, as represented in these two lines: "One thing my dad told me was, 'Never let your woman know when you're insecure/Flex on a hoe every time they're insecure'." This is assisted by the piano ditty melody, which contrasts with a cute and plaintive feeling that holds no pretense of someone being okay, but expressing a bit of the lightness that exists in the despair. This person is definitely a sadboi who needs to work through a lot of stuff and get more in touch with their emotional depth in the face of toxic masculinity, but it's communicated well. [7]

Joshua Minsoo Kim: I still remember being in high school and reflecting on how much my parents had grown throughout their marriage. When I was much younger, they'd argue every now and then, my father having to sleep somewhere other than the master bedroom for the night. They both got much better at communicating through the years; for more than a decade now, they rarely if ever have let bitterness fester for more than a few hours. As such, I was always proud to have parents who really seemed to love each other -- compared to other first generation Korean-American parents I knew, mine were openly affectionate, and used their individual strengths to help each other lead more fulfilling lives. I've never told my parents this, but they really served as models for what it means to love someone, be it romantically or not. I'm reminded of all this when I hear "Robbery" because of Juice WRLD's distressing first verse. He makes an explicit link between a behavior taught by his father and several unhealthy actions he does himself because of an inability to handle insecurity: masking feelings of smallness with wealth, exhibiting unfeeling misogyny as a way of lifting oneself up, and a proclivity for drug use whenever faced with anxiety. This image of ex-as-robber reveals how the common end-result is a woman being portrayed as the sole culprit. What makes "Robbery" more affecting than the song that influenced it -- Escape the Fate's "Reverse This Curse" -- and much of 2000s emo in general, is how it truly makes the whiny notion that "the world sucks" feel true. It doesn't just come through in the Trippie Redd-esque wailing, though. No, it's in how the song shows how interconnected and insurmountable all these terrible things seem to be: the notion that men (especially black men) need to present themselves as hard-edged, the resulting deficiencies at communicating effectively and confronting one's emotions, the learned behaviors that transmit from one generation to the next, the vicious cycle of drug dependency, the never ending vilification of women. I learned from my parents what healthy relationships could look like, and it's really just dumb luck that I ended up being their kid. How many aren't quite as lucky? How many are a little less primed for combating these normative behaviors? How can we possibly stop all that's wrong with this dumb earth? [7]

[Read, comment and vote on The Singles Jukebox]

[theillustratedintelligentsia]

Trigger Warning

I’m upset about the confirmation of Brett Kavanaugh. Every woman I know is upset. Every woman I know has experienced assault against her person, her spirit, and her intellect (and those last 2 do count). I don’t know any woman that hasn’t. Granted, my social net IS a bit narrow, but I’ve covered a bit of America, at the very least, and have a handful of worldly friends.

(Yes, I know men can be assaulted, too, but...honestly, this is gonna be about women. A WOMAN took the stand, against her assaulter,and narrated her assault, in front of TV cameras, in front of sworn members of a judiciary committee. What makes this worst is this was not the first time a WOMAN was ignored in a similar situation. And likely not the last. Also in parantheticals: I’m not ignoring the LGBTQIA+ experience, either. Again, this is a woman that put herself out there. I thank the LGBTQIA+ women that have sacrificed themselves for the human rights cause, because let’s face it, without LGBTQIA+ and POC, white women would still be housewives without the right to vote.)

I see the hashtag “believe all women”, but, like all hashtag movements, it’s a series of hollow words unless backed by action. If you believe a woman, or all women, support her, support them. Don’t ask them to relive and narrate their trauma for you. Be mindful of triggers. Be mindful of behaviour. Don’t speak for her, or them, unless expressly asked to, just help support the space women are making. Belief truly is an act of faith, and if you can believe in an omnipresent, omnipotent, Old Man in the Sky on faith, you can believe a woman on faith.

So many people had a “me, too” story. So many. More than most people really realized. The “Time is Up” campaign didn’t get much traction, but it was there like a brief flame. These are campaigns that have the right spirit, but go about the practice all wrong. We should have never had to tell our assault stories. We should have only had to say, “Me, too.”, and be believed, supported.

This culture of women being second-class citizens (or worse: possessions, sex-objects, fantasies, toys to be discarded at will) is not new. It is as old as civilization, really. Look at the myths, look at how ingrained the cultural, cross-cultural, idea of women being monsters is, how it is used to justify all sorts of injustices against women. Just look, and you can see plenty. Eve is accused of getting her and Adam kicked out of Eden, for example. I won’t wax further on the myths, because I am saving that for a different blog post, elsewhere.

Plenty of women are complicit in their own subjugation. Plenty have been, for ages. White women, married to affluent men, who, from a position of high privilege, ignore the plights of women, such as the murdered and missing Indigenous women across the world (to cast a DEEP and WIDE net here, there are plenty of nuances). Silence is complicit, and oppressing the self for the sake of comfort is oppressing others without a voice. It persists the culture of men as First Class Citizens, and women as by-standers, place-holders.

I’ve had to fight through internalized misogyny myself to allow myself to have women friends, to allow myself to see the colour PINK as JUST A FUCKING COLOUR, not a derided indicator of soft and diminutive femininity. I still fight it every day through random bouts of dysphoria; knowing that my genitalia are a marker of “being weak”. Not to mention dysphoria related to eating disorders I’ve acquired because diet and beauty culture. Internalized misogyny is real, and it’s a giant wall that separates women from other women.

Plenty of well-meaning men have persisted the culture, too, by taking up a place in a space not reserved for them, in the name of support. Plenty of men have not verbally called out peers when peers have behaved poorly towards women. I had a friend that built an entire web series on misogynistic ideas, under the guise of dating advice. The first episode was less funny, more serious. The rest became a nightmare of cliches and stereotypes. If it was meant as satire, it missed the mark.

I don’t want to victim blame or victim shame women. I don’t want to discourage well-meaning men from truly wanting to support women. I don’t want the women with the most influence to go silent in resentment. I want everyone to stop.To look at their actions, to listen to their words. To become accountable to both, to each other, to themselves. I want people to understand that sustainable change is not a lot of change all at once, but is SOME uncomfortable change at intervals, gradually. I want people to unite, for a good reason, because they know and understand why things need to change.

This culture can change, but we all need to participate in affecting change. We all need to learn to identify the things that persist the toxic culture, and replace those things with a healthier culture.

What follows is going to be triggering. I know it will be. It was for me, and I am certain there are men in my life that won’t like the pointedness of some questions. I will say this: If I have a problem with a man, I will approach it with him, a superior, and/or through official channels. I’m not going to passive-aggressively drag specific men (except the above used example of web series; though it is still awfully generic).

I am open to discussing any point, with men and with women. I want an open dialogue that encourages the meeting of minds, not the pointing of fingers.

Here there be triggers:

Women (and I will say these were uncomfortable for me, much based either on my own anecdotes, or those of friends, family, and those from other women. I don’t intend to point fingers and victim blame/shame. I’m trying to illustrate points of persistence of toxic culture.): 

How much emotional labour do you do for the men in your life? 

How many times have you minimized your own desires, your own thoughts and words to avoid conflict, to avoid the discomfort of unsettling your partner, your boss, a co-worker, or a friend? How often have you been minimized by men?

How often have you had to bear the projected frustration, anger, sadness of a man in your life, and process that frustration for him, like you would a child, just to have some stillness, to feel your feelings unperturbed by his? Have you had to bear this more than emotionally, but also physically?

How often have you needed to tone police yourself to avoid being disregarded as hysterical? How often has a man tone policed you because he felt uncomfortable by your upset?

How much patience have you practiced around men, just so you can demonstrate some level of control in front of them, because you fear being minimized, ridiculed, disregarded because your lack of patience can get you labeled as emotionally unstable? How many times have you finally lost your patience, only to be called unreasonable, crazy, delusional, hyperbolic?

How many times have you had to act as a barrier between men in your life and the children in your life, because you fear their expression of toxic masculinity will infect and/or hurt those children? How many children prefer your company over the company of men they know well?

How much physical labour do you do for the men in your life?

How much work around the house do you do for them? Laundry? Dishes? General tidying? Do you minimize this in your head because perhaps the man (men) are primary bread-winners? Does the man (men) persist that minimization by comparing his work to yours, without understanding the effort put forth into the labour of housekeeping?

How much work do you do for male co-workers? Do you do more work than male co-workers, only to be paid less? Do you need to show more proficiency, and tolerate higher scrutiny? Are you relegated to secretarial and/or janitorial duties because those are perceived as roles reserved for women?

How many times have you been pressured to bear a child that perhaps you may not have 100% wanted? How often do you listen to a man argue about abortion, birth-control, single-parenthood, when you know that men cannot have abortions, they do not bear children. When you know men did trial hormonal birth-control, but because of the side-effects (the same as ours) it was not cleared for use. When you know that largely, men are not single-parents, either because they abandon their children, or by court-mandate do not get primary custody (which is a dissertation-post in and of itself, too). How much of the child-care and rearing has fallen to you? How many times have you sparred with a man in your life about a child-rearing technique, and not come to a compromise because of toxic masculinity invading your spaces?

How much of the social labour is yours? How much do you get to mix and mingle with guests, family, and friends at parties, especially around the holidays? How often are you stuck in the position of preparation, setting up, and serving of food and fun? How often are you relegated to tidying the related detritus? How many men are protesting, loudly and even in person, the carriage of injustice that has persisted from the 2016 election? How many women? How many marches and protests have the women organized?

What have you sacrificed to the men in your life?

How often have you said “no.” to a request for sex, and either been ignored, or dogged from a no, to a maybe, to a begrudging yes? How often has your personage been invaded, whether by penetrative sex (via digits or genitalia), or by an uninvited touch? How often have you been pressured into a kiss you didn’t want? Was this done by strangers, by friends, or by a committed partner?

How many times has your career been truncated by men, or otherwise limited by the fact that you are a woman, and those considering your work-place contributions judge your performance by the fact that you are a woman? Or, perhaps, how often was your career truncated because you were harassed and/or assaulted in the work-place, and either reported or didn’t, but then was pushed out and/or quit rather than bear the discomfort?

How often did you skip and/or drop a class in university because your professor and/or TA were men, and they made you expressly uncomfortable, for whatever reason? What did that do to your advancement through university?

Did you sacrifice your dreams, your desires to further advance a man’s dreams and desires? What would you have done if it wasn’t for a man (or men) in your life grossly practicing their perceived entitlement to your body, your time, your energy?

For the men (and I am not pointing fingers at any one man; if these questions make you uncomfortable, perhaps talk with yourself before projecting your discomfort onto a/the woman/women in your life. Also; I don’t hate men, I am frightened by them, though. I’m tiny, I’m white, I’m asexual and aromantic, but have engaged in hetero relationships.):

How many times have you projected your emotional world onto women, either expecting them to just KNOW how to fix your problem, or unconsciously and then become upset when a woman calls you out on it? Have you ever struck a woman (or child) because your emotional turmoil gone unchecked (I know women strike out, too. Again, this is a woman-as-used piece. I am open to discussing men-as-tools piece, but have no first-hand POV on it. I don’t write what I don’t know.)

How often have you made jokes about a woman’s perceived emotional instability, or perhaps the imperative biological function of menstruation? How often have you belittled a woman’s effort, words, or body because either you think you could expend more effort, use better words, or you find her body attractive/unattractive? How often have you minimized the women in your life?

How often have you uttered the words: “I don’t like your tone.” to a woman, because perhaps she has become upset, and is illustrating her upset by way of tone, much like, perhaps, you do? How often have you asked a woman to calm down, or to reign it in? How often do you perceive a woman using a tonality as a threat, as hysterical, as hyperbolic, and/or unfairly/unduly upset?

How often has a woman repeatedly corrected you, or gently steered you away from a behaviour and/or words/actions that are quite literally unhealthy, and then gotten upset because her patience finally broke? How often did you heed her advice-out-of-love before she became upset? How often has a woman repeatedly exasperatedly tolerated your words, actions, and behaviour, and then unexpectedly snapped at you, and you have blamed her for misbehaviour, as if she was a child or a dog?

How often have you felt upset by a child that knows you preferring the company of a woman they know, or being unduly upset if you chide them, but compliant when a woman chides them? How often have you been accused of being heavy-handed, impatient, with children?

How much house-keeping do you do, daily, weekly, monthly, yearly? Are your house-keeping chores mostly handy-man related, or general upkeep? Do you get upset when you are asked to perform a chore? Do you get upset when a woman has forgotten to perform a chore, and are unwilling to listen to why she may have? Do you do any menu planning, any cooking, any laundry? Would you take care of your house-hold chores and duties in a timely manner if a woman wasn’t around to pick up after you and remind you? When a woman in your life gets upset that you don’t participate in chores, how upset do you get? Do you compare your career work to house-work, do you use it as an excuse to get out of house-work?

How often has a woman co-worker had to work twice has hard to receive recognition for the same work you do? How often has a woman co-worker come to work sick, because if she called-out, she would be called lazy, but if you call-out, your illness is validated? What is your role at your place of work, compared to that of the women?

How many times have you desired a child, or even asked a woman to bear a child for you, without understanding the permanent physiological, psychological, and spiritual changes a woman experiences through pregnancy and motherhood? How often have you volunteered to change a diaper, to prep and feed a baby a bottle, to take a squalling child? How often have you volunteered to watch children for a woman in your life so that she can have some peace, some time for herself, away from her children? How often are you trusted to mind children the way the mother sees fit? Have you volunteered to use birth-control, including but not limited to condoms, hormonal birth control, and/or vasectomies? 

How often have the women in your life prepared a party, and prepared the food for a party, that you happily engaged guests at, and how often have you volunteered to assist either in prep or in tidying the after-glow? How many marches and protests have you attended? How many have you organized? How are you contributing to the spread of knowledge of the miscarriage of justice since 2016?

How often have you felt jilted by a “no.”? How often have you pursued a woman, even though she expressed little to no interest, either expressly or only in an implied way (because, let’s face it, a lot of women are frightened of expressly saying they aren’t interested)? How often have you pressured a partner, dogged her from her “no”, that may have been shaky, to a maybe that was even shakier, to a yes that was not really a yes? How many times have you pressed for a kiss that was cold, stiff, and unyielding? How often did you do this to strangers, to friends that are ambiguous about where you stand, to committed partners?

How often have you been passed over for a job, or a promotion, because you are a man? How often have you reported a woman co-worker for harassment or assault? Do your woman co-workers make you uncomfortable anywhere other than in your pants?

Was your university class life interrupted by woman professors making you uncomfortable? Did you avoid classes that were predominantly populated by women? Did you choose a major because your “man-ness” would be unwelcome in the professional field your major would be used in?

What have you sacrificed to avoid conflict with the women in your life? What would you be doing if you didn’t have women in your life? 

Remember, before you go key-board warrior, think about this. This about the current state of affairs. The sitting president is an alleged abuser, user, and accused of assault. He appointed a man who demonstrably illustrated that the accusations against him are more than founded, and he is not even close to level-headed enough for a judgeship on the highest appellate court in the United States.

Think about how you have engaged in behaviours that persist this toxicity. Think about how you have affected change to stop engaging in those behaviours, and replace them with healthier behaviours. Before you shout, just think. I’ve thought; I’ve affected change; I’m in therapy; I’m on meds. I’ve forgiven, but not forgotten, those that have assaulted me. I now make men in my life accountable for their words and actions.

[ourwaywardstudentturtle-blog]

Are Sports Really Inclusive? Are We Still Stuck in the Past?

I am neither a participant, spectator, or supporter of organized sports. I think it is a misogynistic and toxic system which perpetuates the patriarchy and extreme nationalism with each broadcasting. “Not Just a Game” showed many cases and statistics that prove the male focus of sports culture. What struck me in the video was the issue of LGBTQ in sports. The video did a great job at bringing visibility to gay players, but it did not discuss transgender ones. I argue that because of the inevitable exclusion from their sex’s sport, misunderstanding of transgender biology, and perpetuating issue of women’s sports visibility, transgender players do not pose a threat to the integrity of sports but the reaction to their inclusion reveals the underlying current of misogyny and bigotry in the culture.

           With more people coming out (by that I mean we have progressed from 1 to 6 openly gay athletes in college football), we would anticipate the arena to be a welcoming place for everyone. This is not the case. Homophobia and bigotry are still rampant in sports culture; even if progress has been made on the field, there is an entire culture behind sports rooted in straight male superiority. Many people’s arguments transgender athletes call for them to be assigned to teams of their sex. Not only is this erasure of progress that transgender individuals are battling for in gender as a social construct and something that is a personal identity, but it also assumes transgender individuals would be welcomed by the team of their sex. Considering that not a single player has come out as openly gay in the NFL, it is illogical to think that a transgender would be welcomed onto their sex’s playing field with open arms. Much of the language I encountered when researching this issue was disgusting, shameful, and backward. To think that people who still speak in such ways about transgender people would be comfortable with them as a teammate, player, or celebrity in sports is absurd.

           Other arguments as to why transgender should not be allowed to play on their genders team were rooting in the misunderstanding of transgender procedures, hormones, and the effect these have on the individual’s physical strength. Many women complained that they felt transwomen had an unfair advantage due to testosterone, muscle memory and mass, greater lung capacity, and other physical attributes. The current rule in the Olympics states a transgender person must have undergone at least a year of hormone therapy and legally change to the opposite gender (not to mention they have to go through a process of appealing to the Gender Board). The general population is seemingly unaware of how hormones can almost immediately impact the body. Many transwomen athletes notice that they “couldn’t compete at the same level that [they] had” and that that they “lose overall strength” after transitioning. Acknowledging that more research needs to be conducted and publicized on the affects hormonal treatment has on muscle and strength, I do think there could be a change in Olympic law to perhaps 2 or 3 years of treatment instead of 1. Yes, this will pose a barrier to transgender athletes, but I would hope it would legitimize their gender in the eyes of sports culture and afford them the positions they deserve.

           Lastly, many opponents to transgender inclusion in sports note that it is unfair to women and that it puts them at a disadvantage for team spots, scholarships, and competition. To the first and second of these points, I question why the arena of women’s sports is still so small, invisible, and belittled by alternative rules, feminized outfits, and the lack of opportunities they provide. And to the issue of unfair competition, transgender players are just as concerned with fairness and equality as other athletes, after all they are athletes themselves. One transwoman stated “I certainly wouldn’t be out there playing if I felt I had an unfair advantage”. The focus on how transwomen are making women’s sports more unfair further proves the perpetuating inequality between the two genders that is intrinsic to sports culture.

           Due to the ongoing bigotry in the sports arena, myths surrounding transgender bodies, and the continual limitations women have in sports, transgender inclusion is not an issue of fairness but an issue of discrimination and stigma in sports culture. We should use the platform of sports to create a more tolerant culture by including transgender athletes, instead of one focused on militarism and masculinity.