#but the blips are good to have. I'm tired of losing weeks at a time

[karofsky]

brain fog/fatigue double hitter being especially bad this last week has me rolling into another monday stressed and way behind on work again... hoping it turns around by friday 🤞🏻

[rogersideup]

One shot request: the reader from nice to be kneaded and Steve have a baby. Creative control is all yours. I just need a baby in that man’s arms.

Nice to be Kneaded

More Fun Stuff

Just Between Us

Can be read as a one shot, or in conjunction with Nice to be Kneaded.

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Post Endgame Steve x Baker reader

Word Count: 1,564

Some things are best kept a secret <3

Getting home from a long day at work at the bakery felt like a billion pounds falling off your shoulders. It had been a long, chaotic day of fulfilling unusually large orders all while trying to appease the masses that never slowed down since the blip.

Unlocking the door and stepping inside, the view in the living room immediately put a smile on your face, and took the weight of the world off your back.

"Dada" Steve spoke to the now almost one year old.

He was splayed out on the living room rug, your little daughter in front of him, belly laughing right in his face.

"Mama!" She responded, laughing even harder at Steve's immediate response.

"No, Dada!" He shook his head, smiling at the sound of her giggles.

Your smile widened as you kicked off your shoes and put your bag down.

"Say dada!" Steve encouraged. "Da-Da"

"Mama!" She responded.

"Dada" He tried again.

"Mama."

The closer you got to the adorable scene, the more you could tell Steve was exhausted and probably losing his mind a bit. He was wearing no pants and a shirt, and he had yet to even brush his hair. But, your daughter looked freshly bathed, fed, dressed, and happy as a clam.

Moments like these always warmed your heart, and you were endlessly thankful to have a husband who was so supportive of not only you, but his own daughter.

You could've never been running two bakeries and raising a kid if it weren't for his wild blonde hair and lack of pants.

"Okay, sound it out." He changed methods. "Start with D. Duh duh duh."

"Duh" She babbled back.

"Now dah! Dah dah dah."

"Dah dah dah"

"Now Dada!" Steve was so hopeful.

"Mama!" Her cheeky smile widened and pointed to you, putting her arms in the air hopeful you would pick her up.

"Hi baby! I missed you!" You enthused, happy to scoop up your little cinnamon roll off the plush rug. "Oh my goodness, did Dada put you in this cute little outfit?! What a cutie!"

"Dada also gave her a bath, because she was a bit stinky." Steve told you, the superhero nearly struggling to get up off the floor, a testament to how tightly she has him wrapped around her teeny baby fingers.

"Do you have the best Dad in the whole world?!" You asked her, she smiled and giggled in response. "Say Yes! Yeessss"

"Yes!" She responded with ease.

"Yay!!" You celebrated.

Teaching a baby how to talk meant every conversation was now grounds for teaching, and you would happily teach her that Steve, was in fact, the best dad in the world.

Steve finally made it up off the floor, which excited her even more.

"Mama!" She squeaked happily, pointing to Steve.

"No, Dada." You pointed to him, trying to help Steve out.

He's been trying for three days now to get her to call her anything close to Dad. She's had Mama down for a week now and you were starting to feel Steve's pain.

"Hi, Captain Underpants" You smiled at him, it was impossible to not be happy and completely enchanted by the sight of him. "I missed you."

He gave you a kiss, and you wrapped your free arm around him to hug him the best you could.

"Hi, Sweetheart. I missed you too" He happily snuggled up to you. "How was work?"

"Chaotic." You stated simply. "How was your morning?"

"It was good, we went on a nice long walk, had breakfast, lots of snacks, a bath, but no nap yet." He told you.

"You look like you could use a nap." You grinned sympathetically, reaching your arm up and running your fingers through his hair a few times. "I've got her, you go get some sleep, baby."

"You just got home, I think you should nap first." He denied.

You shook your head. "I'm not tired, and you do a lot for us. You got up with her like three times last night. I know you didn't sleep well."

"I think I need a shower more than sleep, much like her, I'm also I bit stinky" Steve stated.

"Go take a shower and a nap." You sympathized.

"You're sure?" He questioned.

"Positive." You nodded, giving him another kiss. "Because even the best dad ever needs sleep, too. Huh, Cinny?"

The two of you have been calling her Cinny more than her real name, short for Cinnamon Roll of course.

"Yes!" She used the new word she learned a whole minute ago.

"Best dad ever?" You asked her, pointing to Steve. He raised his eyebrow in anticipation.

"Yes!"

"Who's this?" You asked her, still pointing to Steve.

"Mama!" She stated proudly.

Steve's shoulders deflated. "She'll get it soon." You comforted him. "Go relax, I love you."

"I love you too." Steve told you before playfully and gently smacking your butt and waking off.

You brought Cinny into her room and sat down with her on the glider chair. There was a lot of one sided conversation about how much you missed her and how much you loved her before reading her some books to get her to wind down for her nap.

It took about 45 minutes, but she eventually knocked out snuggled into your chest and neck. You took a very selfish 20 minutes to appreciate the baby cuddles and get your fix since you really did miss her at work today.

After a successful transfer into her crib, you turned the baby monitor on and quickly went upstairs to change out of your work clothes and into something far more comfortable.

Then you were right back downstairs to the other not-so-little human you missed all day too. Steve was asleep on the couch, but this time he had sweatpants on and no shirt.

Maybe one day he could find it within himself to be fully clothed, but for now, you definitely weren't complaining.

You leaned over and gave him a kiss to his temple before sitting next to his head and massaging it.

Being a stay home Dad looked really good on him. You'll admit, after his retirement he seemed a bit lost for a while. Like he had gone so long being Captain America or on the run from the government that he didn't even know who Steve was anymore. But the second he became a Dad, it was like he immediately knew exactly who he was supposed to be.

You thought that having kids would change things. Through your whole life you heard stories of exhausted mothers not having time for life anymore, slightly miserable, never talking fondly of their husbands, or even how their husbands found them less attractive after having their kids. There was a lot of silent fear that maybe that would happen to you, maybe the two of you would be under so much stress you'd start to resent each other, or maybe you'd be less attractive to Steve after your body changed in the process of growing baby Cinny.

But that couldn't be further from the truth. You'd never been more attracted to or in love than you were right now with a happy sleepy baby, and a happy sleeping husband. He took such amazing care of you and in turn, all you ever wanted to do was take care of him.

Even if he was sleeping, you wanted him to know how much you loved and appreciated him, and his crazy blonde hair. In true Steve fashion, even in his sleep he snuggled into you.

He dug his face into your stomach, and his arm held you close. Cuddles from Steve lasted a solid hour before you were nearly dosing off to sleep yourself.

Not all things could be a fairytale, and you knew that because you could hear Cinny start to fuss on the monitor. Small little cries let you know she was awake and ready to be done with nap time.

So you carefully slipped out underneath Steve, and he was so exhausted that you managed to stand up again without waking him.

"Mama" Your daughter pouted and wiped small tears off her face when she saw you enter her room.

"Good morning, honey." You said quietly matching her tiny pout, and cradling her in your arms. "It's okay, baby, you're okay."

You snuggled her and swayed her as her tears slowly came to an end with quiet promises of playtime and more snacks, you even asked her very politely if she could keep her babbles and voice to a reasonable level as to not wake up Dad.

Did she understand? No. Did you try anyways? Absolutely.

Once she was fully awake and a lot less grumpy, you tip toed back into the living room to set her up with her favorite little aquarium toy.

When she spotted Steve dead asleep on the couch, her whole face lit up with yet another cheeky smile.

She pointed at him. "Dada!"

Your eyes squeezed shut and your head lulled back, so immensely disappointed that Steve missed that moment. But, you were proud of her.

"Yes! That's Dada!" You confirmed enthusiastically but quietly. "This stays between us, kid."

You were now fully prepared to pretend like the next time she called him Dad was her first, because really, you loved Steve that much.

[fairycosmos]

you seem like you loved your sister so much & neither of you deserve to live lives of pain. i have a sister too & i'm going to kill myself soon & everything's ready. she doesn't love me & definitely not the way you loved yours so unconditionally but i feel sorry about it anyway. but one can't always live in pain just to spare others, right? i lived enough. all i know is that you never deserved this and neither did she. i hope she's at peace. it was never your fault.

hey. i’m not going to pretend i know the details of the dynamic between you and your sister, nor am i going to act like i can change your mind about any of this as a stranger on the internet when you’re obviously going through very deeply rooted issues that need real medical attention n treatment. or at the very least the attention of someone in your actual life. at the same time, you know i’m not just going to let this sort of thing fly in my inbox either. so i’ll talk for a bit and if you want to listen and take some of it on board, then that’s great. if not, that’s ok too. i really hope you do though, even if your brain is screaming at you not to. that it’s all pointless and all the usual shit. again, i don’t know the ins and outs of your relationship with your sister, and i don’t mean to minimize whatever struggle you’ve had with her. i’m sure its been unimaginably difficult, and i do feel lucky to have been such great friends with my own. i know it’s not the case for everyone, so maybe my perspective is skewed. but i can tell you that the state of your relationship with her is not going to minimize the grief or the heartache losing you will cause. because death throws all of that shit right into perspective in a very real, unchangeable way. and it is like nothing you can currently think of. you are still siblings. you still had a whole life together, and you are the only people in the world who were raised the exact same way. there’s always going to be a bond and there’s always going to be some part of her that cares. before my sister died, we were not as close as we had been previously. we weren’t properly fighting or anything, but drugs estrange you from people and we had had more rough moments than usual. and some moments i didn’t recognize her. we weren’t spending as much time with each other either. and it didn’t change a thing. i think about the fights now, or all those hours i spent not talking to her when she was just in the other room. and i just know innately it was beyond stupid. but i don’t blame her, i don’t hate her. i don’t sit there and think i’m glad she’s gone just because there were moments she infuriated me. i know that’s my situation, and maybe ours are incomparable. and if she has been abusive to you in some way, i don’t blame you at all for feeling this way. but i just know that when you are suicidal you are biased against yourself, automatically. your brain will twist every relationship and situation in your life to justify killing yourself. it will force you to think in black and whites - according to your mind, it’s not that you’re struggling right now, it’s that your whole life is doomed. it’s not that you and your sister  have a difficult relationship, it’s that she can’t stand you and you guys will never ever reconcile. more often than not reality lies in the grey areas between. i think it’s important to rationalize and hold onto that whenever you’re able to. even if you have to force it. but don’t think for a second she’s not going to spend the rest of her life thinking about you. if you are unfamiliar with grief you might not understand the gravity of it. i’ve had people message me saying that seeing the way i am about my sister has made them entirely rethink taking their own lives because they did not realize how permanent and intense loss truly is. i’m not saying it’s the same for you, i don’t know what you’ve been through, but the fact that you already feel sorry towards her tells me you can see this for what it is more than you want to admit. there are people around you who love you. your absence is not going to be a blip for them, it is going to shape their lives because you shape their lives by being here. none of this is what you believe it to be right now.

but i’m not trying to guilt you into staying alive, either. i know that’s not fair. it’s not - and you’re right. you shouldn’t live purely for others, not always. especially when you’re in pain. but when you’re in a very bad place, sometimes it’s just about what’s going to get you to tomorrow, or the next moment. if that’s the thought of your family, and feeling bad about doing this to them, then welcome it. any reason is good enough. and maybe in time you’ll be able to get to a place where you live for yourself, in fact i’m sure of it, but right now you obviously believe that’s impossible. it’s absolutely not, but that’s likely how you feel. i’ve heard that being actively suicidal is such an intense feeling that it doesn’t last super long - you can spend weeks or months being passively suicidal, but the actual moment of being at risk of attempting always burns out rather fast. and people who have attempted generally report that that regret starts seeping in when it’s a bit too late. i really do not want you to have to experience that. instead of harming yourself, it is going to serve you so much more to work on trying to minimize the pain a little more each day, however you can. i don’t mean that in a patronizing way, i know you’re tired and i know it’s not that easy. all of this is easier said than done. but you do not have to kill yourself just because you have things ‘ready’. you don’t have to do anything. you don’t know what’s going to happen from one day to the next, and you don’t have to have a plan. just think about the present moment and what you can do to help yourself in a positive way right now. nothing is set in stone. clearly you have a lot going on and you need to think about seeking the help you need from those around you before you think seriously about anything else. whether it’s your parents, a family member, a suicide hotline, your doctor, a support group, any therapist or counsellor in your area. literally anything is worth the try, even just picking up the phone tomorrow and seeing what your options are. just let them know how you’re feeling and what you’re thinking, like you were able to do with me. you’re seeing things from a very specific point of view right now. i’m not bullshitting you when i say that talking to someone, analysing your thoughts and emotions out loud n learning how to cope with them in healthy ways that you can incorporate into your daily routine CAN change the image you have of yourself and your future in your head. and even the relationships w those around you. depression is an illness, it permeates every part of your life until you can’t see beyond it. and it needs intense treatment the same way any physical ailment does, but it is not a death sentence just because you’re exhausted in this moment. you might not be able to believe it right now, but you have to stick around to see that i’m right. you might as well. besides my family, the only other thing keeping me here is the knowledge that i am going to spend eternity dead any way. this is all just a flash in the pan and you might as well save everyone and yourself the heartbreak by experiencing it for what it is rather than trying to end it prematurely. anyway, i know i could go on and on about this so i’ll shut up but please. just consider the other choices in front of you, man. you deserve better. i sincerely believe it’s waiting for you. you haven’t lived enough because you’re still here, and there’s still a whole future waiting for you. that’s not a bad thing. there are ways to learn that it is not a bad thing. please consider reaching out to those around you or to a professional, please. my inbox will always be open if you need a friend, and you’re not alone. if you have the compassion to believe i don’t deserve pain, and that that shit wasn’t my fault, surely you can extend a little towards yourself too. please take care, get through minute by minute. i believe in u. 

https://www.opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines

[caasiturner]

Hurricanes and Jon.

Jon Bellion is an extremely talented artist. My favorite album of his is The Human Condition. Every single song is a straight banger, his beats stir up all kinds of emotion, and his lyrics speak to the depths of my soul. My favorite track is, however, Hand of God.  Throughout the song he speaks of his stresses, ex-girlfriends, and the struggle of life. The line that really resonates with me is,

“ I might break

Angry at all the things, angry at all the things I can't change

When you're lost in the universe, lost in the universe

Don't lose faith

My mother says, "Your whole life's in the hand of God"

Nothing has changed, he is the same

"Your whole life's in the hand of God"

That’s hard for me to accept. I can’t see that hand. We sung about it a lot growing up, “He’s got the whole world in his hands, etc, etc. etc.” We talked in Sunday School about how there’s a God who’s got His eye “on the sparrow”. We are told there’s someone who knows our every need. But as an adult it’s really hard to believe.

As I’ve reiterated countless times before I tend to be a doubting Thomas in search of constant reassuarance. A person who needs tangibles, reasons, hard data and evidence. I need to figure everything out, most likely due to never knowing during my childhood. I need to be able to hang onto things, to fully understand. I don’t take things at face value, I research, I make hypothesis and test them, I deduce and find the answer.

But life has a sense of humor.

Every time I start to figure out things the slightest bit, I am humbled, reset, back handed if you will. This year I finally saved my first thousand dollars. Now maybe to you that’s insignificant. For me it was huge. I grew up under the poverty line, and through a lot of sweat and blood, I’ve been paying my own way since I was 17. To finally see four digits in my savings was an amazing feeling.

I struggle hanging onto relationships. I’ve been transparent about this multiple times. It’s been hard getting over my latest relationship mostly because she was nearly everything I thought I wanted. Some days it’s hard to believe there’s something better out there. Or that I am even meant to be with someone. But, after not speaking since summer I finally felt in a good place mentally and emotionally.

Then this week happened.

My clutch in my car is now shot. It’s gonna cost over five-hundred dollars to fix. Everything I worked for is gone in a single day. Just like that.

The girl I felt I had finally moved on from texted me, asking for help. My heart literally dropped and I wasn’t sure how to feel. Anger in the fact you hit me up because you need something. Confusion in why would you turn to me. Eagerness to assist and concern in because I still care for you as a person no matter the past.

I yelled at the sky. I’m frustrated. Angry even. Tired of fighting. Aching for this horrid year of 2018 to be over.

I feel like a ship trying to weather a storm. Every time I conquer one wave, yet another crashes down. I feel like I’ll never get my head above the water, as if God Himself finds a sadistic joy in personally holding me under. I strive and fight so hard, yet all ends the same. Empty. Meaningless. Hopeless even.

I just want to figure this all out. Know what I’m suppose to be doing. Know what I’m doing wrong. Know why everything is a constant struggle. Know why am I even here or what my purpose is.

People say I bless their life all the time. I’m so genuine or so kind or so this and blah blah blah. You don’t know me. You can’t even imagine half of what I’ve felt or gone through. Walk a mile in my shoes and you’d probably trip over the size of my feet. You don’t see my inside world, what I battle every day, or the stuff I see. You don’t see the tortured mind of an artist, the confusion of a twenty-two year old, the anxiety and worry of someone who’s living far above his years, the broadness of my back as I carry countless bags of baggage and multiple burdens (some self-inflicted and some who are by rights others to carry).

You don’t see the homesickness for someone I haven’t yet met. The tiredness of being called “baby” by people who don’t mean it (Shout out my guy Ed Sheeran). You don’t see how lost I am or how badly I want to be found. You don’t see how “I don't want to kill myself because others will get the job of cleaning up my blood from a gun shot, cutting the rope above my head or telling my parents I'm dead. I just want to disappear.”

How’s that lyric go Mansionz?

“...Nobody knows, nobody knows, no one (no one)

You'll never know, you'll never know me,

I wanna believe in religion

But nobody reminds me of God

I wanna believe in what I hear and what I read

But it mostly reminds me I'm lost

I wanna believe that when I fuck it's romantic

But no lovers remind me of love

And I need to believe in moderation

'Cause believers believe in too much

I learned to lie

I learned to lie when I was younger

Tell me somethin' true...”

Yeah. I feel that on a spiritual level.

But.

To live by feelings is to live falsely. Feelings lie. Feelings change. Feelings come and go. What holds us together?

Faith.

A “ Complete trust or confidence in someone or something.”

or

A “ Belief; the assent of the mind to the truth of what is declared by another, resting on his authority and veracity, without other evidence (Webster).

Faith in there being a greater plan. Faith in a better tomorrow. Resting my life and hopes and dreams, without other evidence, into “The Hands of God.” A higher being. Something larger than myself. without seeing the end result. That’s completely counter intuitive my nature.

Maybe Puddleglum from The Chronicles of Narnia states it best in C.S Lewis’s classic The Silver Chair. Our hero is hard pressed, and a witch is doing all she can to convince him to lose his faith in the great lion Aslan and his memories of life above ground. Just as he is about to give over to her power he states,

“  All you've been saying is quite right, I shouldn't wonder. I'm a chap who always liked to know the worst and then put the best face I can on it. So I won't deny any of what you said. But there's one more thing to be said, even so. Suppose we have only dreamed, or made up, all those things-trees and grass and sun and moon and stars and Aslan himself. Suppose we have. Then all I can say is that, in that case, the made-up things seem a good deal more important than the real ones. Suppose this black pit of a kingdom of yours is the only world. Well, it strikes me as a pretty poor one. And that's a funny thing, when you come to think of it. We're just babies making up a game, if you're right. But four babies playing a game can make a play-world which licks your real world hollow. That's why I'm going to stand by the play world. I'm on Aslan's side even if there isn't any Aslan to lead it. I'm going to live as like a Narnian as I can even if there isn't any Narnia. So, thanking you kindly for our supper, if these two gentlemen and the young lady are ready, we're leaving your court at once and setting out in the dark to spend our lives looking for Overland. Not that our lives will be very long, I should think; but that's a small loss if the world's as dull a place as you say.”

Do I have that faith? Faith to believe no matter what lies I tell myself it’s all for a reason? That there is something out?  That this world I currently see is but a shadow, a vapor, a breath, a blip in an endless line of eternity? That there are no accidents, or meaninglessness?

Can I believe that? 

I want to. I am tired of keeping my hands on the Wheel of this ship. I’m tired of trying to keep my ship afloat. I’m tired of trying to do everything from my own power. I’m tired of failing at attempting to run out this storm, keep my sails aloft, or row my own way.

So this is me.

I’m giving over for I have no one else to turn to.

Friends and family can’t help me. Money won’t save me. Running away is a temporary solution. So here is a public declaration. I surrender. I give up. Take this wheel. Beach this ship if you have to.

Just take my life and place it into your hands.

[smoothshift]

I'm pretty annoyed right now. via /r/cars

I'm pretty annoyed right now.

I took my car in for some servicing this morning, new tires, alignment, and the recall we've all heard about. Unsurprisingly it failed. They'll have my car for maybe a month while they find it a new engine. That's not why I'm annoyed. Kia was very quick to hook me up with a rental on their dollar, which was nice, but I'd been looking forward to trying out my new Firestones and I have to drive back and forth from CT to pa every weekend for a new job.

I'm not even annoyed that they gave me a kia soul. It's understandable that they'd have enterprise give me a car of their Marque.

The reason I'm so annoyed is that it's so much fucking fun. I was initially highly skeptical and certainly not looking forward to getting a rental, but I find myself liking this thing more and more. It's genuinely good fun. Sure the engine seems to be one of their hamsters in a wheel, and the back of the car is held up by torsion beam suspension, and it's taller than it needs to be, but dammit it's fun. It reminds me of the Up! that Jeremy Clarkson drove in Ukraine. It's not very good to drive in the classical sense, it's not well connected, or twitchy, or sharp, it understeers hard if you push it, it rolls around like a floating log, it dives so hard under braking that you think you're having a plane crash, and the engine sounds absolutely awful. But, the transmission isn't bad, and like my car, responds well to you working with it. It takes an hour and a half to downshift, or you can blip the throttle and pull the lever and it'll do it instantly. The exaggerated body movements allow you a sense of what's going on with the suspension, and the car responds well to trail braking, no doubt thanks in part to the aforementioned "plane crash" phenomenon. When it does lose traction it's easy to gather up and very progressive. It's not... fast, at all, actually. It's really very slow, and not a driver's car at all. But, and perhaps partly because it's a rental, it is very good fun to drive in its own quirky way.

And it's highly practical. I can fold down the rear seats and put actual, large things in there, a novel idea to someone used to a sedan. It's not going to go up black bear pass any time soon, but it's just tall enough that you don't ever have to think about ground clearance from things like curbs, raised manhole covers, parking humps, speed bumps, and potholes, and you can take it down a dirt road and again, not worry, which is also a novel idea to someone used to driving a slightly lowered sedan. You don't realize how much time you spend thinking about scraping things and ground clearance until you don't have to.

I've driven my brother's CRV extensively. By any possible measure it's better built, better equipped, better engineered, and nicer. But it is truly awful to drive. It's not that I don't have a baseline for crossover performance. I do, and it has time and again proven itself anemic, slow, unresponsive, and to have absolutely terrible handling. It feels like it's going to fall over around any sort of corner. It's bigger than it needs to be, and despite less body roll, it still all feels like it's a house of cards that's going to go terribly wrong in any sort of situation that would flummox the chassis of a shopping cart.

This is fun, practical, economical, and cheap. I don't want one, I want to make that clear. When kia gives me back my car, I will be very happy to get out of the soul. But I do get it now. It feels exactly the way you'd think a Nissan juke should feel. I now understand why so many people have bought souls, and why just about every publication that gets its hands on one ranks it at number 1 in the crossover segment.

I'm annoyed today because I've had one of my biggest prejudices absolutely smashed. I still think there's little reason to get a crossover over a hatchback, but the little soul blends the line between crossover and hatchback masterfully. The peace of mind that just a little ground clearance gives you is underrated. The practicality is worth more than I thought, and the car is genuinely good fun. If you want to go fast, get a fast car that's built to be fast. But I'm going to be forced to drive this thing for a few weeks and it's already given me a surprising understanding of why someone would want one of these things.