#but the aphobia doesn't help either

[flameraven]

Yeah, the lowkey aphobia in GO fandom, particularly after the Kiss was leaked/after S2 has been very frustrating. But I promise, there is still an Ace Omens fandom out there! We are alive and well! We've got a whole discord with like 700 members. I'm one of the mods on the Ace Omens Vol 2 zine! There is a collection of 1000+ Aspec Friendly fics. We are here, we are still writing fic and discussing the show and keeping the sexy headcanons firmly in their own section so you don't' have to engage with them if you don't want to. Join us!

Lgbtq people saying it's queerbaiting because two people didn't kiss or fuck on screen has the same vibes as cisgender heterosexual people saying two characters aren't gay and completely missing romantic undertones just because the two didn't kiss or fuck on screen

Aphobia is just recycled homophobia

[bloggingboutburgers]

If it's okay to ask, how do you handle acephobia as an adult? I know that's a broad question, but it feels like ever since I become an adult, the acephobia in my life has kicked into overdrive. Suddenly, if I'm not an active, excited participant in 18+ conversations, I'm being @'d and teased for it no matter how many times I disengage from the conversation or say to just leave me out of it. I've had (ex, otherwise extremely toxic) friends tell me that my version of aceness doesn't exist because "nobody is that sex repulsed" because I don't read fics if they have 18+ scenes, that I can't be childish forever, and that they hated that people wrote fics about sex repulsed aces. My mother told me that she regretted not being more openly loving with my father because she thinks that's what caused me to be asexual as an adult. Being a kid gave me a shield to hide behind, but now that I'm above 18, there's just this assumption that if you're not totally comfortable with 18+ topics, you're either an infant or a puritan, and you need to be fixed, and I don't really know how to handle it without making these people feel validated that I'm "just a puritan." I just don't like being the butt of the joke because of my sexuality all the time.

Hmmm... I'll be honest, I guess I didn't see that much difference between as a teen and as an adult myself? But I guess it might be a cultural thing about the rapport to sex related to age. In my country, at least when I was growing up, you were very much expected to have an interest in sex-related topics in high school already.

That said, everything you described is true. And because I've wanted to hiss so many times at what you've described, here's deconstructed thoughts:

I'M that sex-repulsed, anyone who says that shit can fuck off

Anyone who says they downright HATE that people write things about sex-repulsed ace has a queer hate issue. That's downright what it is. It's fucked up and they oughta check themselves and their aphobia.

Aah yes, the classic "sex=adult and that's the only thing that equals adult ever". While we're at it I'll also assume that when they say "18+" they just mean sex and none of the other many many things only a person over 18 experiences and understands?

Anyway... It sounds like you're surrounded by pretty fucking sucky people. Granted personally there's a fuckton of bullshit I just smile and nod at on a daily basis, and I don't hang out in group spaces, much less in fandom spaces, because sadly with the state of how things are, I know they're kinda anti-me by nature. It's lonely and heartbreaking and I won't pretend it's easy every day, far from it, but the alternative of having to force oneself to put up with even more hate and erasure is worse.

So yeah, lots of self-preservation reflexes. Lots of laughing at a person's aphobic joke like "Wow that's a glorious asshole if I ever knew one and I'm gonna stay as far away from them as I can from now on." Got very tough when that description involved some coworkers in the past, but hey, at least my dance of joy was all the more satisfying when they left the company.

And on the flip side, if a person is friendly and open to listen, and learn if needed, without dismissing me? Oh you bet I'll hold on to those people for dear life and do my best to hang out with them more. Such people are scattered across my life, but they helped me build a support system of self confidence that made it much easier for me every day, and helped me build the confidence to come out as ace to my whole family over time. (I also have amazing bros who somehow always seemed to consider my asexuality as an obvious part of me and their opinion is the one that mattered the most to me from the start family-wise, so y'know, I'm lucky.)

So yeah... Preserving myself from people who invalidate me and cherishing those who don't really did a lot for me. It made me more and more confident over time to mention that I'm ace casually to new people, because these people taught me that hey, sometimes you tell someone you're ace and they somehow DON'T turn you into a laughing stock for it! And yeah, it's kinda fucked up that this has to be some kind of incredible news, but... Hopefully the fact that it's possible nonetheless can bring you a bit of hope.

Ofc that also means that sometimes I'll be having like, dinner with friends of a friend that I've never met before, and suddenly I'll find myself thinking "Wow these people who just met me and know nothing about me just made like 3 jokes involving me having sex in the span of 2 hours, and I forgot that was apparently 'normal'." It's weird for sure. Bit of a survival game of sorts sometimes. But hey... It's a life, ig, we didn't choose our lives so we gotta play the hand we're dealt. And uh... How did that Bojack Horseman quote go again? Oh yeah.

[catgirl-catboy]

On this latest round of aphobia, y'all have to understand that people have sex with people they aren't sexually attracted to all the time, and that is a morally neutral thing (as long as everyone consents)

Reasons why this might be:

They were curious about what sex is like.

They wanted to do something nice for their partner

Work.

They wanted to have sex, even if they weren't into the person in question.

They simply don't know if they're attracted to the person in question.

They want to have kids/help someone else have kids, and might have sex with someone they aren't into as a result. This isn't exclusive to ace people either, and can apply to anyone of any sexuality. You will never be normal about ace people until you accept that sex doesn't have to be a big fucking deal all the time.

[pointless-crustacean]

13/07/2024

My war with internalised aphobia has always been on going since I more or less came out. And I think today it may have won.

I'm considering rescinding my aro ace license, turning it in at the a-spec permit office, and packing up my grey-romantic and asexual identity into a little box and never looking at it again. Which sounds terrible, for several years I've preached positivity at a-spec identities, and now I want to un come out?

I can't even pretend it's because I don't identify as aroace anymore, I still do! But no, it's because I crave companionship.

Lately I've been slowly distancing myself from my friends, trying to become happier by myself. Partly because I hated the crippling FOMO I was experiencing, but also because I realised I was punishing myself mentally for not being more important to people I wanted to be important to. Distancing myself from my friends a little has definitely helped my mental health and my mindset about what a friendship is to other people, but I've ended up wanting companionship from someone more permanent.

This is where the toxic amatonormative mindset got its smelly little mits on me. "You want companionship thats for the most part monogamous and yet not inherently romantic or sexual? That's not an option" was the sort of thing I found myself thinking. It's either die alone or conform, considering the area I live in, it didn't feel unreasonable. Finding a guy who likes me and doesn't see me as a woman is hard enough.

Throw into the mix that the only person I've been in a real QPR with basically told me I don't seem to want a real relationship, only validation. It makes a guy kind of doubt things. I think I'm destined to be a spinster, which isn't bad, just not what I want for myself. It's either that or I pretend to be someone I'm not.

[thecourtjester12]

Tis I the Jester! They/them and Ey/em + (more under cut)

This is my main blog for the DCA fandom my pseudo main for anything else (@/jestersdlc) can be found here.)

This blog is a LGBTQIA+, Neurodiverse, and Systems safe space!

No bigotry, racism, sexism, ableism, TERF's, aphobia, syscourse, and anything else possibly missed. All in all be nice to each other and respect others please!

The Jester is an Atertiary (spec.) Autistic, Adult. And may not always use the /p tone tag but am ok with it being used towards me even when I don't use it.

I use the terms Friend/Familiar and moots interchangeably along with the term Dove as a platonic (or general) endearment.

PLEASE be direct with me (tone tags are helpful, but in gen just be direct about things like if you want to be/consider me a friend, if you are or aren't comfy with something, etc general rule just be direct it would be GREATLY appreciated.)

ABOUT.

I post art and writing to do with the DCA's and my own DCA Au's! Along with reblogging stuff for the DCA fandom (and occasional tag games when I get tagged on here.)

I love the DCA and the DCA fandom so I may occasionally reblog a lot but most stuff is queued! (Everyone's art and written works for canon and fanon of the DCA's is awesome!)

I have many Au's, most with outdated masterdoc's but you can find out a bit more on them from our old pinned post (Found here!) or you can send an ask about them! (Current Au focus is LSAU (The Lonely Star Au)

ASKS.

Asks are open, so feel free to send me some, I love to answer them. General rule be nice, no bigoty/hate/etc. Not fond of swearing but some is fine, just no slurs (and tone tags would be appreciated.) Nothing NSFW. Can be about au's, the DCA or anything in general as long as it's not inappropriate!

Questions are welcome.

I do make userboxes, feel free to ask about them! (Most of the one's above are made by yours truly!)

Additional links and info under the cut!

TAGS LIST.

#jesterposts - Any and all posts, general tag!

#jesterdraws - Any and all drawings, sketches, all art stuff (old tag was #jesterdoodles)

#jesterwrites - Any and all writing posts, be it wips, sneak peaks and finished works for A03 that are DCA/DCA au themed!

#jester rambles - Just random rants and tangents and whatnot that are just me rambling on whatever, anything that doesn't get tagged with the main gen tag will be tagged with this!

#jesteranswers - Ask tag!

Things will also be tagged for CW's as needed

LINKS.

A03 main.

Artfight.

ADDITIONAL INFO.

PRONOUNS!

They/them/their/themself and Ey/em/eir/eirself and none (just name or 3rd person like 'the Jester')

Xey/xem/xeir/xemself, xe/xem/xyr/xemself, andddd pink/pinks/pinkself (strictly lowercase) pronouns

I like them being used interchangeably, so go wild!

I don't mind being tagged in tag games/picrews, may take some time to answer them. But would rather generally be tagged on out Pseudo main (but it's ok if you tag this one instead! ^-^)

Please don't send me the ask chains, they get repetitive (and not in an enjoyable way.) and are distressing. (Ex. send this to X people that make you happy, say 5 things you like and send to X people keep the chain going. Those types of asks.)

Dm's are open! I don't mind them, but may take some time to answer. Just please don't be inappropriate!

I have a discord as well as a Simply Plural. You are welcome to ask for either and if we are comfortable enough with you, I will give you the information to 'friend' on them. I'm not the most chatty with people on either unless I know you really well!

[roachliquid]

Dissecting some examples of rhetoric that tries to force trans people into privileged/oppressed dichotomies (CW transphobia, transmisandry, misogyny, biphobia, aphobia, exorsexism)

NOTE: This list is not comprehensive. The point isn't to cover every possible piece of bullshit rhetoric, but to educate people on the common problems and logical errors that characterize these kinds of claim. As such, this is mostly going to cover shit that harms transmascs, because that's the material that I know the best. This is not a claim that this bullshit only goes one way. It can happen, has happened, with ANY group cast as the oppressor.

"Trans women are publicly shamed and bullied for being trans. Trans men are 'just' invisible, so they're privileged because they don't have to deal with that!"

"Transphobes want transfem people dead. But they just want transmascs to detransition, so transmascs have it better."

Both of these are examples of oppression Olympics - claiming that one group is really privileged because their oppression doesn't look as bad. It's also misleading as hell, because it never explores what the actual consequences are of what's being done to AFABS/trans men - for example, that invisibility exacerbates the difficulty of finding transmasc-inclusive resources, or that the reason many transphobes want us detransitioned is so that we will be "sexually available" to them (I.E. they want us as sex objects and breeding stock, which is not all that better than death).

"AMABs are hated no matter what they do, because they're either seen as perverts or Evil Men. AFABs can avoid being seen as either simply by detransitioning, convincing society at large that they are harmless, vulnerable women."

And here's yet another example of the claim that being forced to detransition isn't "that bad", as if gender dysphoria and the pain of being in the closet are magically washed away by the healing powers of society's overwhelming love and support for women. And the assumption that that exists is a problem in itself, because misogyny? Racism? Islamophobia, fatphobia, literally everything that causes people to clutch their pearls and treat others like absolute shit? Apparently none of that matters at all, literally any (supposed) cis woman can say "jump" and society will start tripping over themselves to do so.

"Nonbinary trans people aren't really trans, they just want to be because they think it's cool. They need to accept their cis privilege and get out of the way."

Folks, this is literally oppressor logic. Queerphobes have been trying to deny people rights since day one on the basis that their identities don't fit into mainstream concepts of gender expression. Are you trans, but mainly attracted to people of the "opposite" sex? Then you're not really trans, because normal people are straight. Are you bisexual? No, you're "really" straight or gay, because people are only attracted to one gender. Asexual? Bullshit, everyone's attracted to someone. Nonbinary? That's not a real gender, or if it is, it's not as important as my binary one.

You get it. This logic has been re-used and regurgitated so many times that it's mostly bare wires and bits of vomit. And yet people are still using at least half of the versions I just mentioned, plus more that I didn't have energy to cover. And all of it stems from the same, laughably conceited premise: that the mainstream model of gender and sexuality is so close to perfect that your understanding is all it needs to finish the puzzle.

I'm going to stop this here, because it's very tiring to write, but hopefully this helps to battle some of this nonsense.

[sevarix-blogs]

btw if you think it's rude for me to be upset with amatonormativity then you're probably too stuck in amatonormativity yourself. i hope you are able to understand and grow from it. i mean this genuinely! i know it's hard for some ppl, even other aspecs, to understand at first. internalized aphobia doesn't help either. but someone talking about how they prefer a platonic relationship to romantic shouldn't be considered rude. unfortunately fandom is not in a good place for that yet! i just ask that you try to understand different perspectives

[chacetic]

Ace Week Comic (that i did for my aroace club's zine!)

I'm on the officer board for my university's aro/ace club, and this year we hosted a zine for ace week! I've been on tumblr as an ace blog for like 5 years now and it still amazes me how much it's changed and how in 2019 the huge majority of posts under the #ace tags were just "Asexuals are NOT [incrediblely aphobia rhetoric i otherwise never would have heard], Asexuals are NOT [aphobic take that likely no one has ever said ever but the author invented because they ran out of things and wanted the post to be longer]" Baby aces and aros... y'all are so lucky to have people like weirdplutoprince and jaidenanimations who make aspec content that's doesn't follow the format of "aces are NOT [disturbing aphobia]." Because when I joined the community, there quite literally was a lack of pride. It was either posts that taught you new aphobic rhetoric, moodboards, or blogs that helped questioning people. Happy aces was a once in a blue moon thing and being in the community really hurt my mental health as a result. I love being ace, I always have, and I'm going to be making the fucking content that would've made this community a fucking tolerable place when I was a baby ace. Happy ace week to everyone, but especially to the aces who have never felt broken: our experiences have a place in this community!

[lizard12323]

Welcome to the basement my blog!!

Dni: Anyone hateful for no actual reason. (homophobia, racism, aphobia, ect) (Even if its for fun, being seriously toxic and hateful is not good for you or anyone else!) I am not quite comfortable with drama either (Vivz*epop stuff for example)

Hello! I'm Lizard but feel free to call me Icewolf, Feathery, Key or Gremlin.

I love horror, AUs, Headcanons, OCs and general original stuff.! In fact most of my stuff has some kind of horror. I'm not a fan of smut and ect. Would rather something more fun. I love giving my OCs and AU versions of fictional characters tons of trauma that sometimes might be beyond comprehension.

Anyway for more info message me either on here or on Discord (lizardthing_092 :3) You def don't need to get me to trust you first though. But if you plan to DM me once (for help or anything that doesn't involve talking to me a lot) please don't be inappropriate, I am lesbian asexual and have boundaries I can forgive for crossing but will not result in anything good. (even if its a joke, please don't make me a part of it)

Questions you may ask under cut (Feel free to ask me more, or just ask me in DMs to add a question here and I will answer. If I don't answer then consider it too personal or that I just forgot.)

Why is the option to ask as anon off?

I very much don't want to be sent death threats over something I forgot a long time ago. This is related to a thing that happened earlier this year and so far other people who were involved forgot aswell. It's turned back on now, I will turn it off when I feel uncomfy.

More detailed dni list?

Most likely no. It's really just stuff like homophobia and transphobia and [Instert a defender of an actually bad person] stuff. Zoo's and pedo's are in the dni list aswell.

Why isn't your new pinned post as detailed as the first one?

Fuck around and find out, or just befriend me to know more stuff about me. Though nothing to personal.

Are you human?

No comment. Though most stuff on my blog are some form of memories I am still trying to make clearer. Some of the info there is either not clear enough or someone else's.

Will any of the people you mentioned (Lizard/You, Hive and ???) appear again?

Probably, but this time it'll be in the form of OCs! I have a new thing going on with harpies and dragons (a thing I've been thinking of lately) and there is Number_92 aka Keeper. The story is yet to be developed as in order for me to picture it I need the memory tapes, or simply memories in any form. Not anyone's memories, my lost memories of what I was once. I promise I will give you a reward or something idk fdjkhdfsjkh.

What do you mean by memories?

No comment.

[gayymomgod]

found this prompt on my tiktok fyp:

and i felt like answering LOL

this is in regards to sebastián (blue) n andrés (red), these two dorks (they both go by they/them, are non binary and aroace ^_^)

so uh . below the keep reading is my entire ramble LOL

first i have to say this: i don't really think there can ever be a life without trauma, no matter if it's big or small. there is no possibility of having "no trauma" no matter which way you put it. trauma will happen.

and in regards to these two, it would be kind of impossible. just saying this real quick, they both live in a fictional version of our world. everything we're familiar with, they are too.

they're both mexican-american, both of their parents having immigrated from méxico to the united states and there's no doubt about it- this in it of itself comes with trauma. leaving your homeland and family behind to an entirely new country you now have to familiarize yourself with in both culture and language all while dealing with racism comes with trauma. a trauma that can pass along to your children. both of them deal with the expectations of their parents, but both of them deal with this differently.

with that said, there really is no "perfect" life for either of them. sure, there's the more happier life, which they will have, but that doesn't come without it's hardships and sadness. a perfect life will require huge systemic changes to their (our) world and to their families, something that can't be done overnight and even then, it won't be perfect.

sebas deals with internal transphobia and aphobia because of a culture that puts emphasis on both gender roles and your relationship with romance/marriage that comes with it, along with a self hatred of not being the person they wanted to be because of them slowly struggling due to them being autistic. (an exceptional student who would go to a prestigious school, get married, have kids, and be some sort of doctor or lawyer.)

andrés deals with the hardships of having ADHD in class while going unnoticed, not getting any help. being brushed off as a "bad kid" for something they can't control, they fell behind in class and once they realized their teachers have basically given up on them, they too gave up on doing better. (they are envious of sebas!!) they deal with a rocky relationship with their parents, all while questioning their own gender and romantic/sexual attraction.

they both have parents who don't understand them and don't try to due to a toxic machismo culture.

so with this said, there is no version of them with no trauma, no regrets, or no sadness. life will come with its traumas, regrets, and it's sadness, no matter what you do. they can't ever have a perfect life. sebas wouldn't be happy going to college, sebas would burn themselves out, knowing very well they would not acknowledge their autism before they do. and even if they do, they still wouldn't be happy as that would require leaving andrés behind. andrés, not having a clear path for themselves, would be lost and deal with the pressure from their parents to get a job, move out and settle down. and even if they are able to move out, they'd still have a hard time finding anyone really accepting or even sort of understanding of them.

there's so many things that can happen. but their most happiest life is one where they go against their ideals and give each other the patience to accept both themselves and each other. sebas wouldn't go to college, and that will be deeply upsetting for them, but they'd be happy knowing they'd get to be with andrés. andrés wouldn't deal with a deeply overwhelming pressure put on their life all the time, now being given the patience needed for someone with hyperactive ADHD. and with both of them sharing the same labels and having grown up together, there's a deep understanding of each other. they will eventually become queerplatonic partners. it's quite awesome actually

so i guess uh . they'd be content with each other. they wouldn't really talk to their family much, transphobia/aphobia would still be things they deal with, and they'd both deal with their fair share of depression and anger that comes with being an undiagnosed neurodivergent kid, but they'd be content. happy with each other.

anyway yaaayyyy i loove them

[bloggingboutburgers]

cw: discussions of bullying and aphobia

Hearing aroace peoples' existential crises over their friends discussing crushes, as someone who was socially isolated and severly bullied for their whole childhood and most of their adolescence so had NO friendgroup until adulthood and NO community or inclusion in literally anything (and when it came to sex and romance the other kids explicitly considered my potential involvement in either to be impossible / laughible because of how "weird" they found me (my autistic traits before I even realised I'm autistic)), felt like starving while listening to someone else complain about the food they're actively eating.

Food intolerances and dislike of different foods (as metaphor for being aro/ace) ARE important and difficult to grapple with when you're expected to eat specific foods in specific proportions at different times - but man did it sting until I realised why I felt that way and gave myself a talking to since my trauma doesn't justify belittling the very real struggles of aroace people.

I guess since the choice between 'stay alone or conform' was never really a choice because I was rejected no matter how cis straight or allo I was it taught me to go "fuck it" and accept myself regardless of what other people do or say (which ironically has lead to me becoming dramatically popular all of a sudden at uni, which has been weird to get used to since I have literally no experience with any of this - platonic or otherwise - which did lead to some advantage being taken of me but f*ck it we ball ^^'). And I guess it's just been difficult understanding why anyone would care so much about whether they're "normal" or not? You really have nothing to gain from that, safety is not guaranteed in conformity so best to live aroace and damn all aphobes to hell if they have a problem with that.

It's a mindset I'll never understand and that's only ok now insofar as that lack of understanding no longer results in misplaced anger at people who, for a time, I had once considered spoilt, ungrateful and out of touch. Basically, I'm full of sh*t and to every aroace person reading this you deserve good friends that actually respect you for who you are and do not even TRY to get you to change your mind about sex or romance. Have a lovely day x

Sincerely,

An aggressive emotional support anon

I'm genuinely sorry for all the hardships you went through. I don't mean to equate at all, truthfully from reading you and considering I WAS asked some of those questions as a kid regardless (the "who's your crush" bullshit and whatnot), it definitely sounds like I had it less hard than you did, but... I was bullied in elementary school and middle school, also not necessarily because I was aroace (I don't know why it happened really, I don't know if anyone ever knows, I boil it down to... me being me and there being something fundamentally wrong with me ig), and I definitely also get some of those feelings of "oh boo hoo you call that struggle" boiling in me when people discuss their own past struggles sometimes, so... Yeah, every one person's experience is unique, but I can at the very least very much sympathize.

I think a way it manifests in me is that I now have that compulsive, debilitating fear of being "othered" in any way, shape, or form, so I guess being aroace doesn't help my case. But at the same time... Well, like you brilliantly put it, when you're in a situation like that, no matter what you do, you won't be accepted anyway, and having that knowledge back then is probably also what lead me to figure myself out as aroace so early in life. Because I was treated as this much of an outsider, I ironically had that much room in my own head to form my own identity, far apart from others and the need to conform. Yeah, that identity may include a "piece of shit that doesn't deserve to be supported of part of a group" side that's been forced in, buried deep down and can't be erased, but... It also includes asexual and aromantic, and it's been cemented so hard from so early with such self-affirmation that later down the line, it saved me from a lot of stuff. I never had to force myself into a romantic or sexual relationship because I was undoubtably aroace – and people saw me as an outsider and an eyesore anyway. I spent years of being scared to go to school or out in the street every day, but later down the line, somehow, I feel it saved me from doing so many things I wouldn't have wanted to do.

...Bleh, sorry, didn't mean to turn this into me-me-me crap when you had the courage and sincerity of not only showing your experience, but finding the strength to show more love, understanding and support than a lot of people probably cared to give you for so long, despite all the pain you felt for so long. I guess I just wanna say... This take is definitely inspiring, so thank you on behalf of myself and others I'm sure, but also... I hope that, for yourself, you're also managing to own what you lived through in a way that allowed you to affirm yourself more strongly (it sounds like you are, I hope it IS the case), and most importantly, I hope you're in a much better place in your life now and you'll never have to return to that level of loneliness again.

[spookyjudgement]

May 8, 2024

rambling about feelings under the cut, feel free to ignore

I've been feeling this way every now and then, but it was particularly strong yesterday for ????? reasons. I feel very silly about it, because I've come to terms with things for a long time and I've been pretty aggressive about pushing back against aphobia when I see it and I also knew it was likely that things would get harder with time.

But I guess sometimes it just hits me, and it feels so so bad. Just like...the knowledge that so many people experience sexuality and romance and it is a significant part of how they experience the world. I know that people here like to joke about things like kissing and sex even when they're not serious about it, but sometimes the constancy of it both here and day to day life really makes it sink in that it doesn't matter how much I play along or laugh at the jokes there is a sense to which I am always on the outside, and it is so deeply alienating that I almost feel disconnected from my personhood. Which is stupid, I should not feel like less of a person for being aroace but sometimes it really does feel like it and I hate it so much. It's so upsetting how hard it is even for people you trust to make space for it, and it's so disconcerting to know that even if people are trying they will often see you as something incomplete.

And it also doesn't help that even though a lot of them don't intend to, the way many alloaros and alloaces talk in aro and ace spaces adds to it. But also they deserve spaces to be loud and proud about how they feel, so it's not like I would want that to change. It's just.

IDK. I'm just tired. Maybe I need more aro and ace people in my life or something. A lot of the people I know that identified as aspec either are not aroace and have since started dating or changed how they identified after the fact (all of which is fine, it jut kind of adds to me feeling a bit isolated in this). And I feel bad talking about stuff like this in person too often because it just feels like a lot of Me talk and even though it's constant for me it's not constant for other people. What's constant for them is their romantic and sexual lives, so I would feel bad for not leaving space for them too. And it feels weird getting on a soapbox for aspec identities now that I'm no longer in school and for the most part I'm just interacting w people who already know me and support me. I just. I just.

[alex-the-bringer-of-chaos]

Oh great, my mom just decided to open her mouth and spill the usual bullshit of her denial regarding my gender and sexuality. Ffs, the only reason why I don't call it transphobia/aphobia (and also biphobia even though I'm not bi) is cause I don't wanna despise her.

She's always trying to find whatever the fuck could be the imaginary cause of my confusion such as: the bipolar disorder (even though I've been stable for over a year now and my mental health is the best my psychiatrist and therapist ever seen), other people are manipulating me, content I watch, a trauma that either I or someone in the family went through (and it somehow passed down to me).

This time, along the usual questioning just to try and sway me out, she decided to go with the "what would changing your name and possibly having top surgery be good for you?", "what friends even sticked with you? do they really, or are they just pretending? your therapist, psychiatric, and friends don't really care about you! only your parents do and what you do affects us, you should think about that", "I see your not exercising, taking care of your food and psychical health as a whole, you should focus on that instead of your name! what is changing it gonna do?". Overall, we know better attitude sundue with the cherry on top of you are abnormal.

Yeah, you can say she's transphobic, aphobic, queerphobic as a whole. I BELIEVE YOU! But I can't accept it because how could I look at her in the face after that! I know I'm not taking care of my physical health, but mental and emotional are important, and while exercise and eating properly and sleep help, so does not hating yourself and trying to be someone your not. So shut the fuck up, you never noticed when I was doing bad, when I wasn't being myself while growing up you still loved me, but now that I trusted you with who I am you do this! I want to trow up every time you open your mouth, I want to be away from you, I tried to be vulnerable with you so many times and you always do this yet I'm in the wrong! And I can't even say all this because you will make yourself the victim. I know I depend on you, financially, but that doesn't mean you get to talk to me like you know me, you don't know shit, you never do, and it's not because your older that your wiser about everything you dumb fuck!

And the last fucking paragraph is why I can't think of her as all those phobics, how am I supposed to look at her and not spill all of this out? I can't leave yet, I don't have the money. And even if I did my sister still lives with them. And my dad, oh poor dad, he just stays in the middle and tries to be the only fucking person in the house that was never mentally ill, yet he does not call me by my chosen name and thinks I'm confused. I don't even know where he is with all this.

Also, my mom is real into pseudoscience. I don't know when it started, but I should've seen all this coming. I should have only told them after I changed my name, I should've known better than to think I could be vulnerable with them.

[pinkrangerv]

hey, I don't mean to be rude by pointing this out at all, but I wanted to say that I do think you are responding in a very combative way to OP of the gay supernatural post. I think what you brought up is simply a different headcanon than they have, and that's why they asked you, neutrally, to make your own post. they probably don't want to get notifications for your different headcanon on a post they created. it isn't something they can necessarily control, but isn't so unreasonable or uncommon that they want to avoid it. it doesn't seem like a big deal to ask you to make their own post where you could just reference what they said when you discuss your own thing and spare them the notes on their post. you're acting like they were originally mad at you or that they have some biases against aro/ace identities and for what it's worth I just don't think that's true about OP.

The thing is, 'make your own post' culture is inherently not neutral.

When you post something on Tumblr--or Facebook, or Twitter, or Myspace, or pick your site--you are legally considered to have done the same thing as if you published it in the New York Times. It can be criminal evidence. It can be used against you at a job if your name is attached.

And, the important part: Other people get to reply to it.

If you only want some kinds of replies, you can ask nicely in the post for that (although no one is obliged to listen to you). You can turn off reblogs altogether. But that's it.

Telling people to 'make your own post' is saying that you can make your own rules about how someone interacts with a post, and other people have to obey you. No, they don't. Demanding other people treat you as some kind of rule-maker is ridiculous; you have no right to demand other people go beyond basic civility for you.

Consider the post I made. It didn't even disagree with OP; I was discussing extra parts of the interpretation, and those parts do actually need consideration in gay-specific headcanons! Because OP wasn't wrong about subtext often involving aromantic and asexual implications, so yeah, that is part of the conversation. It's not 'my headcanon'--OP flat-out said that Dean slept with women but never wanted romance, and Castiel never had either. That's aro\ace TEXT. That's been there since E1. If you're not discussing that, you're no longer discussing SPN, you're talking about another show.

OP didn't say that they didn't want to talk about canon, though. OP didn't say that there were rules. And for that matter--what rule did I break? You're generous in saying they only wanted discussions about gay people...but let's consider this reblog claiming that, apparently, to say that me pointing out asexual text--CANON TEXT, mind you, everything I quoted IS LITERALLY IN THE SHOW--is homophobic.

I can't help but note that this didn't break OP's rules.

There was nothing 'neutral' about what OP said. And there's a hell of a lot of aphobia implied in OP deciding my post, specifically, breaks their rules. Yeah, I'm being snarky--but why wouldn't I be? OP demands I follow rules that never were stated, and then complains when I don't, and this rule seems to mysteriously only apply to a discussion of aro\aceness.

Tl;dr: This is the reblog site. If you're complaining that someone's reblogging you, that's rude, and kind of stupid--this is the REBLOGGING site, not the 'we all post in silence and never interact' site. OP did that with some pretty damn aphobic implications. Yeah, I get to be snarky when someone's rude.

[vanthylomide]

I had a friend who is cishet and on the aroace spectrum. They had trouble knowing if they were queer/ welcome in the queer community because of others judgement upon them, they felt they were being judged for being cishet.

I had mentioned to another queer friend, how this friend was feeling, and their response was that they didn't believe the cishet person was aroace. Didn't believe they were queer and claimed they were just trying to invade the space, and even if they were aroace, it didn't matter, because they were cishet, and cishets cant be in the community.

A cis queer said that. It was perplexing for me to hear, because ...what?

Thats what peoples excuse is. The person is cishet (or even just het.)

But that's of course not all it boils down to.

It's aphobia.

It's ignorance to the split attraction model, something that a lot of aspec people find helpful and validating for expressing their experiences and self.

It's ignorance and denial to the struggles aspec people face.

(and I think something should be said about how allo people dismiss this discrimination and act like its not a thing while being in a position of favour in an allo/amatonormative world.)

I don't know if anybody needs to hear this, but:

What makes somebody else queer might not be what makes you queer. That is completely okay. Nothing is wrong with that.

When people gatekeep queerness, you know what comes to mind? That one saying about how 'somebody will pick on you because they're insecure in themself'.

I think that can be applied to a lot of these situations.

I get the impression some people believe if a person whos identity contradicts their own in some way is valid then theirs must be invalid. They invalidate the others in order to validate themself.

But the truth is they don't invalidate each other. Their identity is theirs and yours is yours. It's completely personal and if you feel you're being effected by theirs for no other reason other than because its there, that's not their fault.

Your priority should be validating yourself, not invalidating others. Identity is a personal experience, not a wrong or right one.

Marginalized groups can contribute to the oppression of other marginalized groups, your status as a minority does not cancel out your ability to cause harm and it doesn't make what privileges you do have obsolete. Everybody has biases to some extent, it's too embedded to avoid, but it is possible to unlearn.

Having privilege is also not something to disassociate yourself from. It's a lack of oppression. It isn't an indication of your morality. What you do with it is what matters. You can use it not just for yourself but to help others who don't have that.

Your privileges also don't cancel out oppression you may face.

Cis queer people are obviously welcome in the community, and people seem to forget that trans het people exist and they are welcome too.

There are queer people who are cis, there are queer people who are straight. That's a fact. (even though some people seem to completely forget about trans het people)

So I dont believe people who gatekeep aspec cishets from the community are doing so solely because they are cis/het. It's because they don't view aro/ace people as queer.

If we can acknowledge that sex and gender are different and a spectrum, We can acknowledge sexual and romantic orientation is that way as well. It's not a straight line.

no facet of ones identity invalidates another part of it. They can co-exist as well.

Aspec people are queer.

Being cishet does not take away that queerness either.

They are all queer enough.

Aphobia is queerphobia

Asexual folks are no “less Queer”.

Aromantic folks are no “less Queer”.

Bi/Mspec folks are no “less Queer”.

We’re all just as Queer as any other Queer person.

[redheadbigshoes]

Lesbians deserve to have their experiences shared without non-lesbians bursting in, invalidating or comparing those experiences and making it about themselves. Yes, other forms of "phobia" inside the community is terrible, I think we can all agree on that. But, lesbophobia is a specific type of phobia that needs to be acknowledged as well without non-lesbians trying to steal the voices of lesbians. It's stupid and hypocritical, it only divides this community more.

It reminds me of the gunshot vs stab wound thing. Both are horrible injuries and they're both valid and it shouldn't be a discussion of "well my experience with _phobia is worse" or "Oh so _phobia doesn't exist?" It should just be a conversation about individual stories.. But I don't think this community is capable of that anymore.. A lesbian's story about lesbophobia is not about us, it's about their story. If it was about us, they would indicate that.

Anyways, from a bi women to lesbians everywhere:

You're gorgeous and valid, I'm sending you all of the love. (and swords to fight lesbophobes with, I will help you :3)

I agree with you. I think non-lesbians treat lesbian experiences as if other sapphics would experience the same thing because they think our experiences are only revolved around being attracted to women, which couldn’t be further from the truth, they always forget how our lack of attraction to men is a huge part of our identity and it’s something they will never be able to understand.

I think people don’t separate sapphic experiences from lesbian experiences, which ends up making a lot of non-lesbian sapphics speaking over lesbians and our own experiences.

We have other terms to describe specific types of phobia such as transphobia, aphobia, biphobia, and I never see people saying those terms are not needed or that “all types of queerphobia are normalized” (kinda just to shut you from speaking about the prejudice you face). Speaking about lesbophobia and how it is normalized does not automatically deny other types of phobia are not normalized. It’s funny cause when people try to shut lesbians down they’re openly showing how right we’re about lesbophobia being normalized. Because it’s been normalized to speak over lesbians (which is something that I don’t see happening with people of other identities as often).

It’s very sad to think that a lesbian speaking about lesbophobia makes people so mad, because you can see how we’re not taken seriously and that people (even queers) don’t respect us or our identity. I think one of the things that most frustrates me about all of this is how I can’t talk about lesbophobia or lesbian experiences without non-lesbians invalidating me or making it all about themselves, because it seems like a lot of people only know how to respond to lesbians with either of those reactions.

You have no idea how good it feels to see a bi woman showing support to lesbians and willing to listen to our issues and what we face without invalidating us, making it all about themselves, or just reacting with rage and more lesbophobia. It’s very important that non-lesbians show this kind of support, because a lot of times it feels like lesbians are isolated and alone, that the only people that truly support us and listen to us are other lesbians.