#but the Michael Keaton Batman one is so disappointing to hear that he just fucking kills someone like thats the one thing he doesn't do guys

[martyrbat]

ok here's the movies low-down:

Batman VS TMNT was very good. short. enjoyable. ninjas. Ra's. furries. etc. a lot of the other animated Batman flicks take heavy inspo from 2010s comics so of course they are terrible but this one was a nice departure.

the Tim Burton movies are very good and fun Tim Burton movies but they are weird/mildly frustrating Batman movies. Michael Keaton is great at making Bruce weird. turtleneck. the music. the art. Michelle Pfeiffer. (these are the pros) Bruce kills. the Joker is in it lots. kind of weird but not always good weird ? Tim Burton's blonde love interest fetish. (these are the cons)

Batman Begins ? dated. kind of a slog. but overall I liked it.

The Dark Knight + the third one of that trilogy... boring. didnt care. got rid of homoerotic bruharvey subtext. uninspired. overrated. etc. didnt even ever watch TDKR because I was so bored and didnt caresies.

I havent ever watch the Schumacher ones.. . they look camp but kind of boring. like it's a messy kind of camp. not the cunty kind of camp I've come to expect from Batman.

obsessed with this in depth run down....!! thank you!!! i would probably start with tmnt and animated because i love my silly goofy good times and i think batman 2022 will be my 'ill watch this in october maybe' movie (<- guy who hasnt sat down through a movie in over a year) and i think the only burton movie ive ever seen was the remake of charlie and the chocolate factory so i dont have much to draw on from there!

i know nothing about the plots of any of the others but i do think george clooney from the schumacher ones is so hot... i can deal with messy camp because i think that can be so fun if its a result of earnestness but if its from being boring and just poorly made out of lack of caring then all energy gets zapped out of it :(( and michael keaton is hot for forever with his cunty turtleneck but i only know him from white noise... the idea of a bruce that kills is. bad. and concerns me but also it has michelle pfeiffer which cancels out a lot of complaints i could have.... decisions decisions...

[snakebitcat]

All Good Things Must Come To An Endgame (Avengers: Endgame)

“A man of vision, you say? Yeah. A hell of a vision.”

-Woodrow Call, Lonesome Dove

Hi there. It’s been awhile.

Firstly, here’s the State of the Manchild: The 2016 election took a lot of wind out of my sails, and then finding out that the guy who encouraged me to start writing reviews was a sexual predator (and the resultant end of the review site I was writing for) didn’t help my morale any, either. Also, I had some personal setbacks that I’d rather not go into that sent me into a long spiral of depression, so that didn’t help either. But I’ve missed this, and I’ve been wanting to come back to it, and when I saw Avengers: Endgame I felt the same inspiration that I felt when I watched Raiders!: The Story of the Greatest Fan Film Ever Made, so here we are. Time to kick off Grumpy Old Manchild 2.0, so without further ado, a review:

Avengers: Endgame was amazing, and that makes me fucking furious.

Why, you ask? Let me tell you about my friend John. I met him in 1987, back when I was just a grumpy young manchild. I was in a bookstore at my local mall, reading a sourcebook for the Marvel Super Heroes RPG, and some random stranger came up to me and started talking about the superhero game he was running at his college. We had a great time nerding the hell out over how much we loved superheroes and gaming, and because this was the era before anybody had cell phones and we were oblivious nerd boys, neither one of us thought that exchanging contact information would be a good idea. It was just a nice talk, and I’d figured that would be that.

Then that fall, when I went to go register for classes at the college I was attending at the time, we spotted each other in the halls, and I thought “Hey, it’s that guy; I should go say hi,” and we started hanging out and gaming together, and co-GM’d a superhero RPG from 1989 to 2006. I ran the first session the same night we went to go see the Michael Keaton Batman movie. And n 2008 we went to go see Iron Man together, and both lost our fucking minds when Nick Fury showed up at the end. And then we saw Incredible Hulk together, and when Tony Stark showed up at the end we lost of goddamned minds again.

And then in May of 2009, he died. He only got to see two of the twenty-two MCU movies, and nobody’s ever going to convince me that’s even remotely close to fair. But it seems somehow appropriate that when I’m thinking about him while I’m writing about a movie about superheroes and loss.

But I digress.

How was the movie, you ask? I absolutely loved it. Best installment in the MCU, bar none, because they accomplished something that  no other American movie studio ever has: They perfectly reproduced the experience of being a comic book reader following multiple titles by multiple creative teams working on a single storyline while also moving their individual storylines forward, and they absolutely stuck the landing.

And from here, there be spoilers, so I’ll put the rest under a cut.

OK, then. Other reviewers have already covered the plot, and if you’re still reading then chances are good you’ve already seen it, so rather than hit on that, I’m going to start by discussing how the movie deals with the original six Avengers.

First, we have Hawkeye. Most of the Avengers have fit the standard superhero mold of unmarried people with no kids, but Clint Barton is a husband and father, and his commitment to that kept him out of Infinity War. So because we didn’t get to see him in that (and because, unlike Scott Lang, he didn’t get a solo movie), the Russo’s decision to start with a scene of him with his family was a good one. It sparks Clint’s descent into darkness as Ronin, and it really drives home what it would be like to be there during the Snap.

Bruce Banner finally reconciles the two warring halves of his personality, and we get the Smart Hulk that I never expected to see in the movies, but was delighted to. How many PhDs does Hulk have? Same as you now, buddy.

When the Avengers finally locate Thanos, Thor goes for the head (as Thanos told him he should have done) only to discover that the vengeance he was desperate to take upon the Mad Titan means nothing. While the fat jokes at his expense were unnecessary, even disappointing, it makes sense that he would sink into the depressed haze of alcohol, food, and resignation we find him stewing in five years later.

Captain America has taken over Sam’s job, and is helping the Snap survivors learn to live with their tragedy, because he’s still trying to figure out how to live with his own. He hasn’t quite managed to move on, but then again that’s been his defining trait ever since he woke up in the modern world at the end of his first movie.

Iron Man has become the sort of dad he always wished his own father had been. It was great to see how he has, over the eleven years and 22 movies that the MCU has given us, gone from being someone who put himself and his own desires above everything and everyone else to someone whose first priority is the well-being of his friends and family.

And then we have Black Widow. Survivor’s guilt has been her defining trait ever since we got her hints about “red in her ledger” in Avengers, and it’s become the entirety of her being when we see what she’s up to after the jump forward in time. She’s so dedicated to coordinating the missions the surviving Avengers and Guardians are carrying out to the exclusion of letting herself have a life that her friends and colleagues are starting to worry about her.

So we have two Avengers who have collapsed in on themselves (Clint and Thor), two who are, while functional, too consumed by their pasts to move forward (Steve and Natasha), and two who are living the sort of post-heroic lives that their pre-Snap selves could only dream of (Bruce and Tony). Thus their situations are perfectly balanced, as all things should be.

As good as the movie is, it’s not entirely without its weak points. When Tony and Steve first meet each other, Tony lashes out at Steve for not being there when Thanos attacked. But because the reason Steve wasn’t there was because Tony never managed to swallow his pride enough to call Steve, that’s all on you, Stank. There are two others, both of them dialogue choices. The first is them not having Steve say “I can do this all day” when he gets up after Thanos has broken his shield and beaten him down, because that would have taken us full circle to when Steve was fighting the bully in Captain America: the First Avenger. And speaking of taking things full circle, when Tony says “I am Iron Man” just before he Snaps, he should have said “I am Tony Stark.” It wasn’t Iron Man, Avenger who stops Thanos and saves the universe, but rather Tony Stark, friend and father who will do whatever it takes to ensure that his little girl and the other people he loves will be safe from Thanos’ evil.

And now for some of the highlights from the plot – the things that pleasantly surprised me, or just made me grin. We finally got to hear Steve say “Avengers assemble!” I was hoping for that in Avengers, and then in Age of Ultron they blueballed us by cutting away before he could finish saying it, and there was never a point in Infinity War when it would have been appropriate. So finally, after almost a full decade of waiting, having it at long last be paid off felt especially sweet. Tony and Steve finally putting their bad blood aside and becoming friends again was exactly the sort of sweet moment we needed. The scene with Bruce and the Ancient One was an absolute delight, because he was one of the only members of the team who could talk multiversal theory and timeline integrity with her at her level. Tony meeting his father helped him realize that for all of Howard’s many faults, his father did the best he was capable of, in a heartfelt callback to Star-Lord having the same realization about Yondu in Guardians of the Galaxy 2. The moment when all of the Avengers and Guardians whom Thanos had Snapped portaled in along with all of the sorcerers, Ravagers, and all of Wakanda’s warriors was an absolutely beautiful “Fuck yeah” moment. Star-Lord got to see Gamora again, but when he tried to resume where they had left off their relationship, he got a knee to the pills for his trouble because this was the Gamora that hadn’t met him yet, rather than the one who had gotten the chance to see the real him yet. And Steve finally proved that we he worthy to wield Mjolnir, and Thor was even happier about it than anyone in the audience!

And with that I’ll move on to how each of the original team’s individual stories ended up.

Clint got to be back with the family that he had lost all hope of seeing again.

Bruce got to leave the violence and anger that had defined his life for years behind him, and retire with the recognition as a hero and a genius that he deserved.

Thor has left the weight of all the expectations – both his own, and of all the other Asgardians and Avengers – behind him, and can start to discover what sort of person he is and what sort he wants to be.

Steve has finally moved on, by moving back. He returns to the past, and becomes the husband that Peggy had mentioned in past movies but whom we never saw. As a fan of the character and someone who is hopelessly sentimental, seeing him finally get that dance she promised him had me weeping with joy.

Tony’s story started the MCU, and he has, appropriately enough, grown the most of any of the characters in it. He proved that he was capable of self-sacrifice in Avengers, and in Endgame he knows what he’s sacrificing himself for, and that it’s worth the cost he pays.

And Natasha … it hurt so much to see her sacrifice herself. But it also made perfect sense. Clint was too blinded by the loss of his family to realize that if they won, his family would be back. But Natasha knew that, and she wanted Clint to have the chance at a life with his wife and children that Thanos had taken away from him. And with that act of supreme love for her best and truest friend, the last of the red was finally gone from her ledger.

Their situations are no longer perfectly balanced, but obsession with balance was what drove Thanos to attempt to commit omnicide. We don’t need for all of the Avengers to be equally well off, as long as their storylines have reached their logical conclusions, and for good or ill, whether in joy or in mourning, they all have.

We will miss the ones we lost in Endgame, as I miss John. But we will continue on, and although I’m sure they would have preferred to have gotten to continue along with us, we can keep living our lives and do our best to make things a little better, a little kinder, and a little more just for those who will continue along after we are gone.

Speaking of which, please join me next Wednesday, when I’ll be reviewing a movie whose title was too weird for me to ignore: The Man Who Killed Hitler and then the Bigfoot.

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5 Superhero Movies That Are Only Worth It For One Scene

Bad superhero films are a treasure. Not only does one make you disappointed with Hollywood for creating a bad movie, but it also makes you doubly frustrated because they’re messing up something that you know is good in comic book form. However, we shouldn’t write off a bad superhero movie immediately. Upon closer examination, these terrible films can contain little glimpses of promise — little glimpses that make you say “This might be a secret masterpiece.” Or at least, “This doesn’t suck every poop.”

5

Batman & Robin — The Criminal Property Locker

In the annals of bad superhero films, Batman & Robin stands alone. It isn’t a “Well, maybe it’s not THAT bad” film like Superman Returns or Spider-Man 3. It isn’t a “I’ll forget the plot of this before I even leave the theater” film like X-Men: The Last Stand or Daredevil. It isn’t a “That’s a damn shame” film like Superman IV: The Quest For Peace or Robocop 2. And it isn’t a “If there is a God, they wouldn’t let this happen” film like Catwoman or Spawn. Instead, it’s a film that somehow gets both more amazingly terrible and more inexplicably enjoyable with time. I hate it and I love it in equal measure, and years after I’m dead, researchers will discover my skeleton clinging to a VHS copy of it, like Quasimodo and Esmeralda at the end of Hunchback Of Notre Dame.

But the movie does have one extremely cool split second. Now, there is a well-known Easter egg in Batman & Robin: When Bane and Poison Ivy are breaking Mr. Freeze out of Arkham Asylum, you get a glimpse of the “Criminal Property Locker.” And in the locker are the costumes of the Riddler and Two-Face from Batman Forever. That’s kind of neat — though since Two-Face died by falling into a spiky underwater pit, it does imply that some poor Arkham intern had to dry-clean and sew his fucking suit back together.

Warner Bros.

Read Next

5 Things You Can't Help But Wonder When Watching Movies

But the rest of the stuff in the room implies that when the Tim Burton/Joel Schumacher Batman wasn’t eviscerating clowns or neon terrorists, he was still pretty busy. Beside the Riddler’s suit is a doll, so at some point, was Val Kilmer punching the shit out of B-list villain Toyman? Or is that the work of the Dollmaker, a guy who made dolls out of his victims’ skin? Is that dude still in Arkham? It’s unlikely, considering that Michael Keaton’s Batman was one part hero and nine parts sadist, and probably attached a bomb to Dollmaker and peed on him a little bit before even learning his name. But still, the scene adds history to a series that seemed to be mostly about Batman sitting around in his office, waiting for crime to happen.

And then, on the right side, we see a pair of boxing gloves. So good luck, guy who was using those. I’m sure your career as Two-Punch Man was really hitting its peak just before Michael Keaton ripped your intestines out through your eye holes.

But the most interesting part is the big mechanical suit that we see, and on first glance, you’d probably assume that it’s Mr. Freeze’s suit, since that’s what Poison Ivy broke into the locker to get. But Mr. Freeze’s suit looks nothing like that. So either Mr. Freeze has been fighting Batman and Robin for so long that he’s had to upgrade his technology in order to keep his chilly ass un-kicked, or it belongs to another mech-suited villain. The pyromaniac Firefly, maybe? That would be so awesome, and now I’m so pissed that I never got to see Val Kilmer stare expressionless around a bug man with a flamethrower. What were you even good for if you couldn’t give us that, the ’90s?

4

Judge Dredd — The Angel Gang

Judge Dredd came out in 1995, when we were still trying to figure out whether superhero movies were going to be a thing. Sure, Superman and Batman had been pretty successful, but was there hope for anyone else? The answer to that was “Not yet,” as proven by the lackluster Judge Dredd, which featured Sylvester Stallone. I know that we’re all currently pretty high on Stallone after Creed, but between Rocky IV and Rocky Balboa, he was having a rough time being in any movie that someone could honestly call good. At his best, he was in films like Demolition Man — or as my dad would call it, Daniel, we need to talk.

Judge Dredd has sweet set design, but other than that, it’s a lot of Stallone and Armand Assante shouting at side characters who are too useless to be given their own shouting dialogue. The only time it really perks up is when Stallone and his little buddy Rob Schneider get captured in the wastelands by the Angel Gang. The Angel Gang are cannibals, and their role in the movie almost feels like Judge Dredd DLC. But during the gang’s brief vacation in your eyeballs, Judge Dredd ceases to be a humdrum exploration into the beauty of shoulder pads, and starts feeling special.

There are plenty of movies wherein superheroes fight random gangs. There are just as many superhero movies where the hero is forced to fight a guy who could’ve been a hero, but instead went evil. But there are very few superhero films in which the hero has to tangle with the cast of The Hills Have Eyes. The Angel Gang is a bunch of wild cards. They don’t want to build a city-sinking torpedo or open up a portal to release an ancient evil whatever; they just want to snack on you a little bit. They won’t say any clever lines or reveal any master plans. At most, they’ll maybe give you a recipe for you, medium-rare.

Sadly, their stay is brief, because Stallone soon escapes and jams an electrical wire into the head of most monosyllabic among them. Of course, the mutant does get to say, “You killed my Pa,” so it’s not a total waste.

3

Blade: Trinity — The Human Farm

Throughout the Blade series, characters are constantly mentioning the fact that the vampire universe is bigger than you know. Sure, you think we live in a world of humans and puppy dogs and hit singles from Evanescence, but underneath it all, there’s a society of vampires. And when that society decides to rule the world, Blade will … take them out pretty easily, actually. For a race that’s apparently thiiiiis close to dominating the world, they sure seem to be divided into easily spin-kicked pockets.

Blade: Trinity is the worst Blade film. The best thing about Blade and Blade 2 is that they feel inventive and fresh. You’re getting things from them that you wouldn’t get from a Spider-Man or X-Men film — namely, Wesley Snipes cursing and reducing screeching henchmen to ashes. It’s why they’re two of my favorite superhero films. On the other hand, Blade: Trinity features boring-ass Dracula and his something or another quest to vaguely rule the world. After years of tackling rave mutants and goth Nosferatus, Blade’s final fight is with a bad Witcher cosplayer.

Luckily, we do get one scene that feels like it came out of the earlier films. Blade finds a human farm, where a bunch of comatose people are vacuum-sealed into big Ziploc bags and used as a constant source of vampire food. It’s super creepy, and when Blade gets told that they’re all brain-dead, he shuts the whole thing down with barely a second thought or a quietly growled “motherfucker.”

New Line Cinema

It also gives the movie (and the series) a sense of grand scale that it had been lacking. Oh, THIS is what the vampires were hyping up when they were jabbering on about their big vampire plans. Well, I apologize for not paying more attention, emo ghouls. My bad. My bad.

2

X-Men: Apocalypse — Wolverine’s Introduction

Before Logan, we only got tastes of Wolverine’s full potential as a fighter. One taste was in X2, when he has to defend Xavier’s School for Kool Kidz and Cyclops from William Stryker’s men. But the best pre-Logan scene of Wolverine grinding his way through bad guys in order to level up for the final boss was in X-Men: Apocalypse. Wolverine appears for only a few minutes in this movie, and he looks like an absolute monster.

Imagine you’re a security guard for some mutant research project. You don’t really worry about those mutants escaping, because why would you? They’re usually sedated and subdued, and if they did start waking up, there’s a whole room full of guys with heavy firearms who would blow them away. Then one day, you’re eatin’ a microwavable chicken pot pie and thinking about your novel when you hear “Weapon X is loose.” You know, the most dangerous experiment in a whole building full of dangerous experiments. Will the gun they’ve given you work against someone with adamantium claws and, if the rumors you heard are true, healing powers? Maybe.

That’s the feeling you get during the scene in which Wolverine escapes: pure, pee-your-pants, “Oh my god, I was not properly trained for this” terror. Sure, Logan has a lot of scenes where he cuts his way through dudes, but that movie frames it as action, while this turns Wolverine into a slasher villain. It doesn’t hurt that the scene ends with a splash of blood coming from offscreen, which is slasher movie code for “Daaaammmnnn.”

The rest of the movie is pretty subpar. The X-Men’s most powerful villain, Apocalypse, is handled so poorly that you just wish Magneto could be the main bad guy for the fourth time. But I guess it’s to be expected that the best part of an X-Men film would include Hugh Jackman. Oh, Hugh. Was it something I said? Please come back.

1

Batman v. Superman — The Warehouse Fight

Batman v. Superman didn’t give us a lot of what I would call “iconic” Batman moments. At one point, he does ask Superman, “Do you bleed?” and that’s pretty cool. But then Superman flies off because he has more important things to do than to lightly argue with some billionaire manchild, leaving Batman just standing there. So what does Batman do? He says, “You will,” and TOTALLY WINS THAT CONVERSATION. You sure got him, dude helplessly standing in the wreckage of his super car. I’m sure the shower argument that you had by yourself later was full of similar zingers. “DO YOU BLEED? WELL, I BET YOU DO. AND THEN I’D FUCKING PUNCH HIM LIKE THIS, AND SUPERMAN WOULD BE ALL LIKE, ‘NO, PLEASE, STOP, BATMAN. I BET YOUR PENIS DOESN’T EVEN SLIGHTLY CURVE TO THE LEFT.’ AND I’D BE ALL LIKE BAM. POW. SHUT UP.”

On a more positive note, Batman v. Superman does have one awesome scene: the warehouse fight. Now, before I get into why this part is so great, I do have to say that a lot of it has to do with the critically acclaimed Batman: Arkham games, which make every other Batman fight scene in every other medium look like a slap fight among friends. In the Arkham games, you can sneak up behind a dude, choke him out, zip up to a gargoyle, fly over and drop-kick a man’s torso off his body, zip back up to another gargoyle, tie a guy up to said gargoyle, throw a smoke pellet, hit a thug with an electric shock gun, choke out another dude, and then run up to the last dude as he fills you with bullets and hope that your body armor holds up for long enough so that Batman can someday wear the man’s skull as a shoe.

That’s the kind of thing that we got in the Batman v. Superman warehouse scene, during which Batman goes back and forth, rearranging an entire gang’s internal organs using everything in his disposal. Here are a few highlights:

– A guy comes into the room brandishing a grenade, so Batman kicks a guy he already has hanging from the ceiling into the grenade man.

– Batman Rock Bottoms a dude into the floor — a technique most assuredly taught to him by Ra’s al Ghul when Batman trained with all of those ninjas. “You must learn to conquer your fear, Bruce,” I remember Ra’s saying in Batman Begins. “CONQUER IT WITH THE PEOPLE’S ELBOW.”

– Batman uses his grappling hook gun thing to sling a box into a guy, and the guy gets hit so hard that he flies into a wall and the back of his goddamn head apparently comes off.

There are a lot of people who have a problem with Batman committing murder, but since my favorite superhero film is Batman Returns, I don’t think it’s that big of a deal. At the very least, it gave us a chance to experience an Arkham City level on the big screen, narrated entirely by Ben Affleck’s grunts.

Daniel has a Twitter. Go to it. Enjoy yourself. Kick your boots off and stay for a while.

Live long enough to see yourself become the villain with your own Batman Utility Belt!

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5 Superhero Movies That Are Only Worth It For One Scene

Bad superhero films are a treasure. Not only does one make you disappointed with Hollywood for creating a bad movie, but it also makes you doubly frustrated because they’re messing up something that you know is good in comic book form. However, we shouldn’t write off a bad superhero movie immediately. Upon closer examination, these terrible films can contain little glimpses of promise — little glimpses that make you say “This might be a secret masterpiece.” Or at least, “This doesn’t suck every poop.”

5

Batman & Robin — The Criminal Property Locker

In the annals of bad superhero films, Batman & Robin stands alone. It isn’t a “Well, maybe it’s not THAT bad” film like Superman Returns or Spider-Man 3. It isn’t a “I’ll forget the plot of this before I even leave the theater” film like X-Men: The Last Stand or Daredevil. It isn’t a “That’s a damn shame” film like Superman IV: The Quest For Peace or Robocop 2. And it isn’t a “If there is a God, they wouldn’t let this happen” film like Catwoman or Spawn. Instead, it’s a film that somehow gets both more amazingly terrible and more inexplicably enjoyable with time. I hate it and I love it in equal measure, and years after I’m dead, researchers will discover my skeleton clinging to a VHS copy of it, like Quasimodo and Esmeralda at the end of Hunchback Of Notre Dame.

But the movie does have one extremely cool split second. Now, there is a well-known Easter egg in Batman & Robin: When Bane and Poison Ivy are breaking Mr. Freeze out of Arkham Asylum, you get a glimpse of the “Criminal Property Locker.” And in the locker are the costumes of the Riddler and Two-Face from Batman Forever. That’s kind of neat — though since Two-Face died by falling into a spiky underwater pit, it does imply that some poor Arkham intern had to dry-clean and sew his fucking suit back together.

Warner Bros.

Read Next

5 Things You Can't Help But Wonder When Watching Movies

But the rest of the stuff in the room implies that when the Tim Burton/Joel Schumacher Batman wasn’t eviscerating clowns or neon terrorists, he was still pretty busy. Beside the Riddler’s suit is a doll, so at some point, was Val Kilmer punching the shit out of B-list villain Toyman? Or is that the work of the Dollmaker, a guy who made dolls out of his victims’ skin? Is that dude still in Arkham? It’s unlikely, considering that Michael Keaton’s Batman was one part hero and nine parts sadist, and probably attached a bomb to Dollmaker and peed on him a little bit before even learning his name. But still, the scene adds history to a series that seemed to be mostly about Batman sitting around in his office, waiting for crime to happen.

And then, on the right side, we see a pair of boxing gloves. So good luck, guy who was using those. I’m sure your career as Two-Punch Man was really hitting its peak just before Michael Keaton ripped your intestines out through your eye holes.

But the most interesting part is the big mechanical suit that we see, and on first glance, you’d probably assume that it’s Mr. Freeze’s suit, since that’s what Poison Ivy broke into the locker to get. But Mr. Freeze’s suit looks nothing like that. So either Mr. Freeze has been fighting Batman and Robin for so long that he’s had to upgrade his technology in order to keep his chilly ass un-kicked, or it belongs to another mech-suited villain. The pyromaniac Firefly, maybe? That would be so awesome, and now I’m so pissed that I never got to see Val Kilmer stare expressionless around a bug man with a flamethrower. What were you even good for if you couldn’t give us that, the ’90s?

4

Judge Dredd — The Angel Gang

Judge Dredd came out in 1995, when we were still trying to figure out whether superhero movies were going to be a thing. Sure, Superman and Batman had been pretty successful, but was there hope for anyone else? The answer to that was “Not yet,” as proven by the lackluster Judge Dredd, which featured Sylvester Stallone. I know that we’re all currently pretty high on Stallone after Creed, but between Rocky IV and Rocky Balboa, he was having a rough time being in any movie that someone could honestly call good. At his best, he was in films like Demolition Man — or as my dad would call it, Daniel, we need to talk.

Judge Dredd has sweet set design, but other than that, it’s a lot of Stallone and Armand Assante shouting at side characters who are too useless to be given their own shouting dialogue. The only time it really perks up is when Stallone and his little buddy Rob Schneider get captured in the wastelands by the Angel Gang. The Angel Gang are cannibals, and their role in the movie almost feels like Judge Dredd DLC. But during the gang’s brief vacation in your eyeballs, Judge Dredd ceases to be a humdrum exploration into the beauty of shoulder pads, and starts feeling special.

There are plenty of movies wherein superheroes fight random gangs. There are just as many superhero movies where the hero is forced to fight a guy who could’ve been a hero, but instead went evil. But there are very few superhero films in which the hero has to tangle with the cast of The Hills Have Eyes. The Angel Gang is a bunch of wild cards. They don’t want to build a city-sinking torpedo or open up a portal to release an ancient evil whatever; they just want to snack on you a little bit. They won’t say any clever lines or reveal any master plans. At most, they’ll maybe give you a recipe for you, medium-rare.

Sadly, their stay is brief, because Stallone soon escapes and jams an electrical wire into the head of most monosyllabic among them. Of course, the mutant does get to say, “You killed my Pa,” so it’s not a total waste.

3

Blade: Trinity — The Human Farm

Throughout the Blade series, characters are constantly mentioning the fact that the vampire universe is bigger than you know. Sure, you think we live in a world of humans and puppy dogs and hit singles from Evanescence, but underneath it all, there’s a society of vampires. And when that society decides to rule the world, Blade will … take them out pretty easily, actually. For a race that’s apparently thiiiiis close to dominating the world, they sure seem to be divided into easily spin-kicked pockets.

Blade: Trinity is the worst Blade film. The best thing about Blade and Blade 2 is that they feel inventive and fresh. You’re getting things from them that you wouldn’t get from a Spider-Man or X-Men film — namely, Wesley Snipes cursing and reducing screeching henchmen to ashes. It’s why they’re two of my favorite superhero films. On the other hand, Blade: Trinity features boring-ass Dracula and his something or another quest to vaguely rule the world. After years of tackling rave mutants and goth Nosferatus, Blade’s final fight is with a bad Witcher cosplayer.

Luckily, we do get one scene that feels like it came out of the earlier films. Blade finds a human farm, where a bunch of comatose people are vacuum-sealed into big Ziploc bags and used as a constant source of vampire food. It’s super creepy, and when Blade gets told that they’re all brain-dead, he shuts the whole thing down with barely a second thought or a quietly growled “motherfucker.”

New Line Cinema

It also gives the movie (and the series) a sense of grand scale that it had been lacking. Oh, THIS is what the vampires were hyping up when they were jabbering on about their big vampire plans. Well, I apologize for not paying more attention, emo ghouls. My bad. My bad.

2

X-Men: Apocalypse — Wolverine’s Introduction

Before Logan, we only got tastes of Wolverine’s full potential as a fighter. One taste was in X2, when he has to defend Xavier’s School for Kool Kidz and Cyclops from William Stryker’s men. But the best pre-Logan scene of Wolverine grinding his way through bad guys in order to level up for the final boss was in X-Men: Apocalypse. Wolverine appears for only a few minutes in this movie, and he looks like an absolute monster.

Imagine you’re a security guard for some mutant research project. You don’t really worry about those mutants escaping, because why would you? They’re usually sedated and subdued, and if they did start waking up, there’s a whole room full of guys with heavy firearms who would blow them away. Then one day, you’re eatin’ a microwavable chicken pot pie and thinking about your novel when you hear “Weapon X is loose.” You know, the most dangerous experiment in a whole building full of dangerous experiments. Will the gun they’ve given you work against someone with adamantium claws and, if the rumors you heard are true, healing powers? Maybe.

That’s the feeling you get during the scene in which Wolverine escapes: pure, pee-your-pants, “Oh my god, I was not properly trained for this” terror. Sure, Logan has a lot of scenes where he cuts his way through dudes, but that movie frames it as action, while this turns Wolverine into a slasher villain. It doesn’t hurt that the scene ends with a splash of blood coming from offscreen, which is slasher movie code for “Daaaammmnnn.”

The rest of the movie is pretty subpar. The X-Men’s most powerful villain, Apocalypse, is handled so poorly that you just wish Magneto could be the main bad guy for the fourth time. But I guess it’s to be expected that the best part of an X-Men film would include Hugh Jackman. Oh, Hugh. Was it something I said? Please come back.

1

Batman v. Superman — The Warehouse Fight

Batman v. Superman didn’t give us a lot of what I would call “iconic” Batman moments. At one point, he does ask Superman, “Do you bleed?” and that’s pretty cool. But then Superman flies off because he has more important things to do than to lightly argue with some billionaire manchild, leaving Batman just standing there. So what does Batman do? He says, “You will,” and TOTALLY WINS THAT CONVERSATION. You sure got him, dude helplessly standing in the wreckage of his super car. I’m sure the shower argument that you had by yourself later was full of similar zingers. “DO YOU BLEED? WELL, I BET YOU DO. AND THEN I’D FUCKING PUNCH HIM LIKE THIS, AND SUPERMAN WOULD BE ALL LIKE, ‘NO, PLEASE, STOP, BATMAN. I BET YOUR PENIS DOESN’T EVEN SLIGHTLY CURVE TO THE LEFT.’ AND I’D BE ALL LIKE BAM. POW. SHUT UP.”

On a more positive note, Batman v. Superman does have one awesome scene: the warehouse fight. Now, before I get into why this part is so great, I do have to say that a lot of it has to do with the critically acclaimed Batman: Arkham games, which make every other Batman fight scene in every other medium look like a slap fight among friends. In the Arkham games, you can sneak up behind a dude, choke him out, zip up to a gargoyle, fly over and drop-kick a man’s torso off his body, zip back up to another gargoyle, tie a guy up to said gargoyle, throw a smoke pellet, hit a thug with an electric shock gun, choke out another dude, and then run up to the last dude as he fills you with bullets and hope that your body armor holds up for long enough so that Batman can someday wear the man’s skull as a shoe.

That’s the kind of thing that we got in the Batman v. Superman warehouse scene, during which Batman goes back and forth, rearranging an entire gang’s internal organs using everything in his disposal. Here are a few highlights:

– A guy comes into the room brandishing a grenade, so Batman kicks a guy he already has hanging from the ceiling into the grenade man.

– Batman Rock Bottoms a dude into the floor — a technique most assuredly taught to him by Ra’s al Ghul when Batman trained with all of those ninjas. “You must learn to conquer your fear, Bruce,” I remember Ra’s saying in Batman Begins. “CONQUER IT WITH THE PEOPLE’S ELBOW.”

– Batman uses his grappling hook gun thing to sling a box into a guy, and the guy gets hit so hard that he flies into a wall and the back of his goddamn head apparently comes off.

There are a lot of people who have a problem with Batman committing murder, but since my favorite superhero film is Batman Returns, I don’t think it’s that big of a deal. At the very least, it gave us a chance to experience an Arkham City level on the big screen, narrated entirely by Ben Affleck’s grunts.

Daniel has a Twitter. Go to it. Enjoy yourself. Kick your boots off and stay for a while.

Live long enough to see yourself become the villain with your own Batman Utility Belt!

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