#but thats a conversation for me and my ceiling at 3am

[metalsonicscraps]

Hmm, I'm sure me and my favorite characters share absolutely no similarities. Definitely not drawn to characters that are off-putting and uncanny. Totally ahaha

[gemstone-roses]

Eddie hurt comfort, you say? Hmm... reader is touch starved & both shies away & leans into touches. Eddie is as patient as he can be and gives Y/N what they need, but one day, Y/N will NOT calm down. Pacing, muttering to themselves, really really anxious. Glancing at Eddie, tearful, then away again super quickly. Won't look at him because they'll break. So Eddie takes control, grabs their face in his hands and makes them look at him. He's soft, sweet, but also he won't take shit. You will let him help you.

Hold me

Thankyou for this omg!!!!

Warnings: anxiety, anxiety attack, touch starved reader

A:N- this, um wow this hit me fucking deep anyway enjoy!! who needs therapy when we have eddie munson 18+ only thanku. Please be kind🥺

"Y/n". He's using his firm voice, a voice reserved only for serious conversations, usually at 3am when things get a bit too existential and your thoughts stumble onto the not nice ones you bury.

But eddie always manages to pull you back. He thinks it's cute, when you ramble,he chews on his hair, a lazy grin splattered across his face while he listens to you, laying on his bed staring up at the nicotine stained ceiling, him next to you leaning against the window his bed is shoved up against, only interjecting when he can think of something funny to say.

He picks his moments.

His lips move but you here no sounds come out.

Your in his kitchen which is small but tonight it is tiny, it is tiny and you can't breathe. You look over to him and turn away each time he feels your gaze because you cannot, absolutley not look at him now because he will be eddie and you will shatter.

Your chest heaves up and down, fingers in your mouth as you chew on your nail

Eddie reaches out to you and you flinch, it's okay because he's used to it now, you shy away even though you know you need it.

Eddie waits a few moments before placing his arms on yours again, this time he grips you, not hard but hard enough to make sure you feel.

"Hey" he says firmly again, he's looking right at you and you look anywhere but.

Eddie reaches to cup your face, swiping his thumb at the curve of your eye.

"Please, you gotta breathe for me sweetheart"

You scrunch your eyes shut and Eddie will be dammed he is going to help you out of this, whether in this very moment you want him too or not.

Eddie reaches for the chain around his neck, balling it up into his fist.

"Here" he says, he grabs your hand so now your touching it and the metal is cold and warm and a bit sweaty but it makes you stop. And look at him

Just for a second, but thats all he needs.

Eddie reaches for your other hand and places it on his chest.

No other words are needed, he holds your hand against his chest, the other still clinging onto his chain, Eddie's face softens.

Eddie moves his free hand to the back of your neck

"Your okay" he says and you swallow.

"Your gonna be okay" he says more firmly, his voice breaking slightly at the end.

You squeeze the chain in your hand tighter before you lean in and place your forehead on his.

"Come on sweetheart, let me hear ya" he whispers, swiping at a tear running down your face

"I, I'm gonna be okay" your voice is barely a whisper, comes out all broken.

Eddie smiles at you and you breathe a sigh of relief and it doesn't go unnoticed

"Hey, don't, don't do that, it's okay yeah? I will always always help you no matter what so don't you dare start thinking otherwise okay"

"I wasn't thinking-

"I do not"! You whisper,

"I know how your mind works y/n, and recently it's been very unkind to you" eddie pauses "and you don't deserve that, so please remember that"

Eddie

"we're gonna get in bed and I'm gonna hold you until you fall asleep and drool on my shirt"

"Oh yeah, you do, it's adorable" Eddie's voice squeaks as he says it and you can't help the small smile appear on your face

"There we go, there you are" eddie says sincerely, that signature grin across his face again, before grabbing your hand leading you to his bedroom.

Ever the gentleman eddie signals for you to get in first.

Climbing into his bed, he opens his arms for you and you curl into him.

Your still a bit shaky, and Eddie holds you tighter, reminding you he's there and you'll be okay.

And maybe not tonight, and maybe not tomorrow, but eventually, with eddie, you will be.

[xinnabon]

happy is you.

IDOL AU #xiao x gn!reader [confession]

cw! swearing.

SUM. you're so inlove w/xiao. and pretty much ask him a question at 3am in the morning and worry about so many stuff. YOU WANNA KISS HIM SO BAD in a sfw way pls.

part two but its angsty lol

taking in requests! info about taking in requests from me and etc. is right here! thanks again!

a/n school orientation starts in at least 8 hours for me and i thought, "why not write something nice after pfftt-- more than a week i haven't wrote anything??". but i'll try to take in requests if i have some and pretty much do it whenever i have spare time. also i really would love the fact to just be madly in love with someone. don't know how tho lol

it's 3am. staring at a dead end ceiling while you're all laid out in your perfectly warm mattress. blinking a few times, thinking about all the cute things you can ever do with xiao. my god, were you thinking about him-- no... missing him?

it felt like you were going into so many notions. this wouldn't really feel normal to yourself from way back but... is it that lovely? you just want to see him, hear him, hold his hand, and just see his confused face when he doesn't know what you're talking about.

you two already went out on dates together at least 6 times, won't you just shoot your shot already? no. at this point, you're feeling like one of those people that say "what if he doesn't actually like me and just came with me just not to embarrass myself?" no. that can't be right?

thoughts races as long as you'd like to. assuming this or that but i'm pretty sure he got it all figured out with his feelings for you these past 6 dates-- i mean. 6 dates.

not to mention, you really loved when he tried to relax himself. catching a few glances of you here and there. was it really that cute.

no. you can't go up changing your thoughts with new ones of him thats-- weird.

you let the mattresses take you aside and consume yourself with the bed and just groan on over. taking your phone and opening it up with barely any stuff. one of your notifs was youtube suggesting "how to cook an egg" kind of tutorial.

reading back conversations you had with xiao. it feels like you're talking to him again just... not actively? there's that one feeling inside you that just lets the world aside and it's just you two, you two alone, entertaining each other, go all stupid. that felt like you were only the one he needs. you do respect him with other people as well but that sort of thought really sounds nice.

fuck. you felt like a teenager. it felt like inserting a literal sentence to your head saying "CRINGE LORD" with pretty much all capital letters, on a bold font with a bright red. but the thing is, he was talking to you. putting up with all of your nonsense. it made you feel dizzy.

you always thought that there was just random people, not just perfect just a normal and average kind of type. after breaking up with a certain person, you can just wait on for someone else to walk by and get asked out anyway. but this. this was different other any ordinary thought you thought of just like before.

it was him. no. for sure he was the one. that, HE could ever fill the dream aside to somewhat reality. instead of letting it aside and let them ask you out, it was just you. you were all left that's behind this and now... you're head over heels for him.

the bright light goes against your face. its ringing. fuck no, no... did you want to see him that bad? you should end the call you're just disturbing him--

fuck. he answered. the silence was going on and eventually asked you why are you calling him at 3am in the fucking morning. fuck this wasn't supposed to happen but. you wanted to get things out.

"what... are we?"

the question left to entertain him. yet continues with the sudden dull silence. fuck you sounded so stupid too. by the looks of his voice, he sounds stunned. did you say something wrong? panic rushes through yourself and you wished you haven't "accidentally" pressing the call button.

"i think you're... unique. i'm not saying i don't take in interest in you but, i do know is that i want to be with you. we aren't... what you say, official? but... i'd like for us to perhaps-- be. that."

holy shit. oh my god fuck. FUCK. okay. pull yourself together. the atmosphere felt so awkward. you ended up flushing your face deep down to the pillow. okay. proceed.

"hah... well. take me out in another 6 dates, then? as lovers of course! ah, shit, wait... no, no. do you even want to be labeled as lovers-- god i messed it up again."

"uhuh. another 6 dates. as 'lovers'."

the call ends and so is the night. you probably took time just to see what the fuck actually happened? is this finally the fantasy you ever seek for? you couldn't believe it. you had someone to love. YOU actually have someone to love now?!

[dulcetminds]

some (concept) playlists

find my spotify here ✨ & my fandom character/ship playlists

this page is updated monthly!!!!

💫 monthly, yearly & get to know me playlists:

 monthly mixtape: updated daily and refreshed every month with no correlation to anything what so ever.

twentytwenty: a song for each day of the year

the soundtrack to my life

my favourites

pass the aux cord, fool: car vibes

🍾🌉 playlists based off cliché concepts:

coming of age indie romcom soundtrack: cigeratte burns on film, a first kiss that tastes like beer and chapstick, and laughter falling on train tracks

not another coming of age soundtrack: red party cups and the never-ending feeling of nostalgia

Mother Nature reclaims: a soft apocalypse mix

tragedy in the dark: set in the 90's, you're driving at night on the highway, passing under street signs and street lights that illuminate your lovers tired face as they trace circles on your thigh

rise up!: (a futuristic teenage rebellion playlist) you live in a world full of holograms and plastic food, the government is corrupt and somewhere out there is a bunch of rebels that are fighting back

an angels kiss in spring: it’s the roaring 40′s and you hit the town in bold red lipstick, curled hair, flared dresses & traditional swing

a wispy field of sunshine: there's something alluring about falling in love under the sun, sipping on raspberry lemonade & kissing someone who tastes like chapstick

the air is fresh out here: i am lost beneath the earth; dirt and moss fill my lungs and i cough up ivy and rose petals as the trees whisper my name so soft, it gets caught in the wing of a butterfly floating by

3am dancing with my lover: fairylights are hung low around the kitchen, my lover has tired eyes full of wonder and we trip over our own two feet, laughter pumping our hearts alive

the last dancers at midnight: my prom could have been better so we're gonna visualise it like a teen romance movie; tired feet, starry eyes & a tender kiss under the disco ball in your high-schools' hall

even my phone misses your call: 'hey, this is [redacted] please leave your message after the beep!' 

you’re so nice to come home to: finally moving into a small apartment with your lover; succulents adorn the windowsills and you both have a love for vintage polaroids and dream catchers — a dreamers dream

I've been in love with you forever: best friends that live next door to each other & know one another like the back of their hand, connected windows, rooftop talks, sleepovers, & everything that comes along with we're best friends & i don't want that to change but i am definitely in love with you

found you in this life: my mother once told me that some of the people we meet in this life, we knew in a past life and it’s up to us to decide where it goes from here

raspberry stains: spring flings includes squashing raspberries between finger & thumb, and dancing under the sun

rollerskating disco rink fever: we're twelve years young & there's a disco ball highlighting our hair as we dance the night away & i'm pretty sure we've happened to scuff the linoleum floor

endless summer afternoon: hopping from shadow to shadow, blisters on our feet; summer, summer, summer!

summer ate me alive: and I want nothing more than to sleep through the next three seasons

ragtag band of misfits from the year ‘87: group of four trying to solve the murder mystery of their late best friend / everyone’s hiding something / he might be in love with the boy he’s known since childhood

[our hands are brushing against each other as we walk]: i want to slow dance with you in the middle of the street

hey, new kid!: its highschool and life is full of rumours and giggling girls & boys with sharp teeth and then english class rolls around ━━ and did the principal just introduce a new student?

🧚🏻‍♀️ specific concept playlists (mostly based on moments and emotions that I've experienced & can’t get over):

head’s a buzz!: stoned out of my mind, I'm pretty sure I met the girl of my dreams last night

 I should be sleeping: but i am walking aimlessly under street lights trying to forget your face, your taste, your voice; with vodka stained cheeks and chipped nail polish

pity party for two: the sudden realisation that the future is scary and we're two lost souls stuck in love with people who helped us grow

we’re under the same stars: It’s talking under the stars till the sun breaks through the trees with him, who makes your stomach ache full of laughter and although the wind is cold against your skin and the sleeping bag is thin, he burns just as brightly as the stars in the night sky, and you want to exist between 3 and 4am forever.

I fell in love for one night: he kissed my shoulder & held me tight

moments left unsaid: I love every part of you when it’s loud, when it’s silent, when you don’t know it at all (basically falling in love with your friends in the moment over the smallest of things like the way they dip their head back to laugh or hide their smile behind their hand or when they slow down waiting for you to catch up or pull you aside to ask if you’re doing okay, etc)

angel in disguise: can angels fall in love?

skate park shenanigans: I spent a the hours 8-11pm at a skatepark with my friends and we don’t even skate but this is the specific energy those hours gave off

you’re dreaming beside me: & I’m dreaming of you

how to be soft, sad & content at 4pm

I wish we could live forever: knowing someone you love is gonna die is the one of the hardest things you’re ever gonna witness

remember when we were in love?: 2015: yellow. open roads. a boy. a girl. my house. high school musical. clouds. stars. a pillow. sunflowers. beauty and the beast. skype calls. a bear. / 2017: a girl. blue, blue, blue. / 2019: a girl. a boy. picnics. skateboards. burgers. your house. an empty promise.

the pretty reckless: my friends fall in love too easily

the ceiling is staring back at me: it’s 1am and I'm thinking about everything and anything

me against the world, vol. 1

me & my apathetic brain: basically Russian roulette with I’ll die anyway by girl in red & just a girl by no doubt

🏳️‍🌈🌈 lgbt+ playlists:

this is for the gays!: for pride month 2019, gay bops to rock your socks to

all I see is her: girls r great!

we should fall in love or something: just kidding... haha... unless?

I don’t wanna b ur friend, I wanna kiss ur neck: yeah, it’s based off I wanna be your girlfriend by girl in red & also my ex but we’re gonna take the former

please look at me the same!: my bisexual teen angst

🦋🏹 ‘old groovy, 70′s, 80′s, 90′s etc music’ playlists:

butterfly dust: old time music that goes together

groovy, groovy: 70′s, 80′s, 90′s

lovestrucklovestruck: nothing goes wrong when you live in your head

she’s gold dipped & cherry wine kisses

funky glow

🥁🍒 genre specific playlists:

metamorphic: rock n roll

devils advocate: it’s like white noise before you enter hell (mostly ghostemane)

you’re not indie till: you skate, own a pair of hot converses, have good fashion taste, drink ice coffee and and and

monsters live amongst us: hiding in plain sight, the people we call our friends / a horror pop playlist

hazy affection: anxiety reducing songs and study beats

softly, sweetly: relax your eyes & dream of simpler times

bubblegum pop: the radio is overrated but here we are

glazed eyes, cherry skies

darkness looms overhead

magic under fingernails / under veins

state of mind: kinda like rap but not, definitely an easy listen to while stoned

moon rockets: fly me to outer space where we’ll become another star in the night sky.

dream & folk pop

my dreams reach the stars: my mind is far away from here / starry-eyed and captivated

local neighbourhood party: songs I'd bang my head to at a party

heavenly hymns

fluorescent heartbeats

take me away, into the night

if you see me listening to this, look away: literally Disney musicals mainly Disney’s descendants & zombies

autumnal breeze: a mix of bedroom pop & 80′s tunes

blueberry feelings: is this soundlcoud or tiktok?

untamed glory: the songs dont vibe together as well as they should but i guess thats ironic given the name of this mixtape

all strung up: my favourite female pop songs & then there's sunflower, vol. 6 by harry styles

candyfloss kisses: baby pop

and that’s on tiktok luv: literally what it says

candle lit afternoons: candles + rain = a gentle quiet in it’s purest form

tenderness: soft, quiet, yielding; murmurs at dusk & the playing of hair

my bed is the warmest place: for rainy days & the chill in your nose

🚀🍁🍓 playlists to listen to when your doing this specific thing:

classic picnic bitch: (cute songs that give me picnic vibes) and we bond over a pack of UNO cards and strawberry-filled desserts

beach bums, baby!: a beach-y playlist

hotboxing ur friends car: get high w/ me!

🥺💫🌞🌻🤩🐝 playlists to grow & fall in love with yourself to:

falling in love w/ myself !!!!!: I'm still learning how I work

then I defy you, stars!

seventeen: I made this when I was seventeen and getting over my first heartbreak and realising that I should never wait for people who can only give half back

no negative vibes here!

💌💖 my romance / love centred playlists:

dancing in my room to the sound of you, you, you (middle school crush vibes)

love cluster: and i guess there are lot of love songs out there but there are also a lot of songs that aren't about love that got me feeling like i'm in love so which is it

lovelorn: (a unrequited love playlist) and we yearn for the hearts we cannot hold; lovelorn, lovelorn, lovelorn

our love has gone cold: I love & I loved

whimsical lovers falling out of love

baby boy blues: fell in love for a day with a boy whose smile is contagious and ever-lasting

you gave me panic attacks & I called it love: unsure if you’re in an unhealthy relationship? leave them.

regret in the simplest of forms: I could have loved you / I think a small part of me did

my favourite ‘what if’: soulmates who weren’t meant to be

seeking love among cruel hearts: perhaps we were friends first and lovers second. but then perhaps this is what lovers are.

it’s a long way down from your window: everyone’s favourite secret relationship trope

heartbreak hotel

i’m yearning for his heart while he gives me his body: I love you, don’t you love me too?

make out w/ me?: songs I'd kill to make out with someone too

miss you forever: sad pop love letter

I liked you better in my dreams: the idea of them has taken root in your mind and it’s much different to how they really are

little bit in love with u: alterous attraction? we KNOW her

drowsy cacophony of love

tracing you back to the roots of my house: I'm sifting through the memories of us, where did we go wrong?

love; a choice or a feeling?: and it is both I suppose, it is a feeling, it’s happiness and soft giggles, faint blush. and then it is a choice, a choice to stay with them or leave. it is a choice to not only love them, but yourself too.

tenderly, tragically: this used to be a collab playlist with someone who loved me fully and unconditionally, things have changed since, but this is whats left; it's our story compiled into a playlist

second chance at love: you make me hard, but she makes me weak

lonely in love: (it was supposed to be just casual sex but fuck, I think I'm in love with you)

silent lovers: skinny love (n.) a type of love where two people are in love with each other but are too shy to admit it

my first love: they say your first love never dies, and love, they’re right

my lover is a liar: victim to broken promises and false truths by a boy who died when he gave me his heart

love locket type of love: I loved you in secret !!

the charms of love: don’t fall in love with the moment & think your in love with the girl! (yes, she’s american by the 1975 lyrics)

almost lovers

💸💄💅🏻⛓ playlists that give off bad bitch energy:

rich girl$: my cash flow will never ever end

kiss the boys n make em die!: femme fatale, girl revolution, girl power

GIRLS. FOOD. GEAR: loosely inspired by people by the 1975

girl, interrupted

you’re like a rhinestone pick-up line: picture this — a girl with a hard attitude that you can’t just seem to get off your mind

back on my bullshit: just got my heartbroken; revamped!

👻👽 my halloween inspired playlists:

hallohalloween: basic halloween playlist

 the fae know my name: humans beware the manic pixies & lip curling fae for although they don't lie they are cunning creatures with kind eyes!

frothy vampire chick meets soft green witch: red fanged lover & a green house full of potions, spells & succulents

sirens lament: sharp teeth hidden under a pretty face

murder at the casino: (in breaking news: monster hunters just cant seem to catch a break!)

the howling

witchy renaissance

fuckin vampires, man!

🥀 if I were series (playlists that only feature one artist based off something specific):

if I were to dance in a faerie ring to hozier songs: maybe I want to fall in love with a faerie and be under Hozier’s rule

if I were to live my teenage years to Lorde songs

if I were to get high by the beach to skeggs songs: BIG greening out energy

 if I were to fall in love to tom rosenthal songs: tom rosenthal songs that make me feel like I'm in love!!

if I were to reminisce about heartbreak to LANY songs:

Hogwarts Houses:

🌻 Hufflepuff

🥊 Gryffindor

🐍 Slytherin

📘 Ravenclaw

[zepdeans]

there’s not a lot I can say about s3 that hasn’t already been said (and articulated 200x better) but! here are some of my (albeit dumb) thoughts :~)

ep1 -isak leaning against the bathroom wall gets me EVERY time its such a powerful scene esp introducing you to s3 and tarjei..... spare some talent for the rest of us please -LiTeN gUtTeN fRa StRaNgEr tHiNgS -isak rly ties his pants w a shoelace...... -isak noticing even for the first time bc of his laugh.. whew.... also. i love this intro SOOO much bc its so non-monumental? theres no dramatic music or whatever but its not subtle.... like you know right away o shit love interest!! hello sir!! bc isak’s expression watching him :’) i could go on -isak is a bad liar HOWEVER this only applies to stupid nontrivial things e.g. the black sweatshirt. but when you look at him lying about like, his sexuality, he hides that shit well -”c00l” isak. i hate u so much -honestly all u have to do is look at even for .2 seconds and u can tell this boy has had a crush for a solid month bc he just looks awestruck (HOWEVER henrik’s acting is *chef’s kiss* bc its subtle enough to go undetected b4 you actually know eVEN SAW HIM ON THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL) -even isak and emma all sitting on the bench together is funny enough on its on but then a song called threeway comes on and like. julie sdshjsfdjfkjskd ep2 -there’s something so endearing about even’s handwriting idek what -i LOVE even’s video w mikael it reveals so much about him to us- how weird (ok we saw how weird he was w the paper towel thing but) and dorky he is? and his love of film! his view on love stories and how he sees the world :( but it also shows a lot abt isak because he saw even making stupid jokes about vladimir putin and was like yeah we about to fall in LOVE love -isak not using headphones to watch even’s video or r+j?? bde or general incompetence what’s the verdict guys -the isak watching r+j scene hits so hard like yall ever think about isak lying in bed at 3am staring at the ceiling probably thinking about how he’s never gonna get a beautiful world-shattering romance like that like ..... also him changing positions skam get out of my life go away ur too realistic -not to make this even more self-projection-y but isak simultaneously being the least emotionally vulnerable person ever but crying during r+j > -i made a post abt this already but even’s INTENSE staring vs isak’s “i have never looked anyone in the eye in my life” gets me it says so much about their characters -even said i see your bde move (asking me to buy you beer) and i raise u with my own (inviting you to my house after faking not having my id) -”if you listen to music” even is such a dick fsdjhsdff -when the message comes on...... i rlly do owe julie my life huh -”have you heard about my rapping?” “I have actually” have we talked about this enough????? 1. isak finally feels comfortable enough w even to flirt and his first move is to RAP for him jesus christ. keep in mind this is the same man who pulled that smooth af ibuprofen line w emma like...... 2. even has heard about isak’s rapping. either this means im-not-on-social-media even went out of his way to go thru homeboy’s instagram OR isak’s rapping is actually talked about. i- -the group chat messages. cant believe i forgot about the 2016 clown epidemic

ep3  -mahdi is a good friend and i love him. thank u -even wearing isak’s cap until he chucks it at him sjksfjsdjsd -how much yall wanna bet isak’s been listening to illmatic on repeat since last friday thinking abt even (even tho meeting sonja shattered his heart a lil) [also kinda an aside but i think a lot about how isak n even bonded over rap and how some homophobic lyrics in 90s etc rap might have impacted them? or how that little detail ties into julie’s story? e.g. halftime by nas, which is on illmatic] -whats worse. even staring into isaks soul wearing a size xs see-through white t shirt or isak staring at even for five (5) seconds before chugging his beer and immediately making out w emma. OR even crashing that party before it can start “i think you guys are bonding too much” cheesy ass shjhfsdhskdf -yall act like evak didnt invent hands. did even shaking isak’s shoulder telling him his apartment is nice mean nothing to u -im convinced robyn wrote call your girlfriend for this scene specifically bc how could anything fit so perfectly by coincidence -is anything better than egging isak on- even bech naesheim (2016) -idk if yall have read the scripts but i love the sock thing so much bc its soo true to how isak thinks and it makes everything so much more interesting and !!!

ep4  -i will never get over even sending isak bad seinfeld memes -even smacking open isak’s locker. first of all whew second of all u think as soon as he got into the stairwell he lowkey cried bc ow -parallel of isak saying “it’s 2016, why are you religious?” to sana vs. emma’s “it’s 2016, get out of the closet” to isak anyone :( -”takk sanasol!!!!” thank u isak for my life -I wanted to be with you aloneeeee -even’s face when he sees the pool like we get it youre a director -how many times do i need to say even is such a dick sjkfsd “does it look like i care about my hair?” “usually but not right now” like this would only work on isak i love soulmates!! -even just.. fully choking isak out ssdhgfd got em -when the first notes of im kissing you start ooh boy -even going in for the kill kiss and isak going from huh to oooo shit and pushing his lips out at the last minute. phenomenal 

ep5 -ngl as soon as im not in love comes on my heart goes uwu bc like!!!! that song the meaNING.... them......... i jus love this scene sm like theyre in their own little bubble and they both feel so comfortable and at peace :((  -even leaving isak comics about an inside joke of theirs like yall mind if i scream -isak feeling left out from the conversation and his friends whew i felt that... and having them talk about how gross it is to makeout with a girl w facial hair?? blease :( -taking stock of isak’s nicknames: issy k, isabell, izzy, baby jesus, -im not even gonna bother trying to articulate thoughts on Pause bc it’s a literal masterpiece. thank u tarjei henrik and julie for inventing television with this one  -MAGNUS SDFKJSDFJKDSHK "oooh my name is Jonas and I love idealism and reading klassekampen and I don’t like plastic and I skate on a skateboard made of sustainable wood and wear old clothes because new clothes are bad for the environment and I only drink recycled water” screAMMM -what i said abt pause also applies to pride ugh its such a powerful scene and!! the beginning of kicks to isaks stomach. honestly what i fucking love about this episode is how it goes from hell yea best day w even ever to crying in the street within one week (s3 had the best balance of angst and payoff thanks) -even’s Soft Party Flannel... forever tainted by this scene rip -not knowing why even kissed sonja keeps me up at night -speaking of. how used and stupid isak must’ve felt when he saw even completely unbothered, hooking up w his ex at this party?? whew :( -bros is one of my all time favourite clips solely bc of the music?? lift me up gives me chills and when hold my liquor starts i LOSE it -ep5 and 6 remind me of that quote “to see what your characters are really made of you have to break them” because julie rlly goes all in and god it hurts so good

ep6 -never have i ever seen insomnia portrayed as accurately as tarjei did here and i remember when i first watched the cantina scene i was like. winded bc its SO true to sleep deprivation whew -i really like that isak wasnt together with even when he reached out for help and came out to jonas. bc it was him, on his own, being strong enough to talk to his friends and then eventually he was confident and secure enough in himself to be in a good place when even started reaching back out!! -i have no idea what its like to come out to someone, to be afraid of your friends rejecting you, everything isak went through. but tarjei’s acting of when, like, you have something you KNOW you have to tell someone, and youve put yourself in the position where youre going to have to tell them, but youre terrified and eventually just force yourself SAY the words??  -and isak’s smile when he realizes jonas is gonna be his bro no matter what :’)))

ep7 -weirdly one of my favourite isak looks (black t-shirt grey snapback c-c-c-combo) -”what’s your name again?” have i mentioned i love sana and isak bc i love sana and isak -jonas truly is the best friend oh man. perceptive, thoughtful, loving, laidback, a friggen BRO. tbh i was wary of him in s1 and thought he didn’t treat eva well (tho I recognized he loved her a lot, he was just bad at being a boyfriend) but jonas in s3?? just goes to show how powerful your perspective of someone can change viewing them in a different role!! because while jonas was a crappy bf, he literally is SUCH an incredible friend and his actions and words and just! him! in s3 completely redeemed any illwill I had towards him :’) -maybe im a little gay (up there with other s3 comedy classics such as “thats a boys name”) -mahdi season WHEN ugh a legend -’when someone asks isak if hes going to a family party’ literally what other reason for living do i have if not to read the boy squad text convos -isaks locker finally opening and his smile at evens drawing whewwwwwww!! also even rlly is that guy who wont text you back but will leave hand written love letters in ur locker -also. another stellar look from valtersen -slutt a meld meg is a whole masterpiece like what other piece of media has the RANGE -eskild: play hard to get. jonas: no smiley!!! isak: nah fam im good B)

ep8 -this episode is BEAUTIFUL bc you feel practically euphoric?? like hell yeah theyre finally together!! isak is out and accepted and even is done with sonja! but theres also this unsettling undercurrent of worry bc you know deep down something isnt right? why is sonja calling isak? why is even acting kinda strange? whats going on? yknow?? -literally never going to get over 5 fine frokner :~) even is such a goddamn nerd and he’s the man of isak’s dreams can u believe!!  -sana’s little speech is SO important in so many ways ooo i love her so much -also have we discussed eskild making evak do a photoshoot for him. highkey those are my favourite pictures of ALL time u can tell even was like hm strange but im down while isak was more omg guys stop🙄 omg haha eskild i cant believe youre making me cuddle with even for a photo🙄 i cant believe ur making me snuggle this dude for a pic!!!! definitely would not have done this otherwise!!! -magnus only realizing it’s THAT even after seeing how isak looks at him. whew -isak is so brave i rlly love that kid! his text to his mamma <3 -no r*make will EVER nail text conversations like mari/julie did w evak’s this week thanks for coming to my ted talk. i'd quote the best ones but it would literally double the length of this post (ok ill cave. “hahaha shut up❤️” GETS me) -you dont know whats in store but you know what youre here for. hallo -isak running around oslo with even’s clothes looking for him :( his heart is so big he cares about even so so much -when Part II (on the run) comes on in the credits its like a kick in the teeth honestly

ep9 -ive already screamed enough about cherry wine but god it fucks me up -cannot put into words how much I love eskild and how good of a person he is, he just has so much love in his heart  -”wait they have waffles here? see ya” -this convo is why i love skam so much!!!! magnus giving insight and good thoughtful advice to isak was such a brilliant move by julie (also truLy heartwarming) bc like. magnus is a flawed layered character! he’s dumb and ignorant and not very careful with his words BUT hes also such a sweet guy. i genuinely dont think he would hurt a fly and him talking about vilde (in ep10) is ;-; bc he really likes her and respects her and wants to be a gentleman! hes so loving and just. yeah. also i wonder if isak and magnus (and vilde) ever talked about having mentally ill parents and lent on each other for support bc like....<3 [sidenote- this is why i HATE b***** like they absolutely massacred magnus’s character and magnus did not deserve that!] -det er bare slutt........ very cool of tarjei to invent acting here. also the character development makes me WEEP like at first isak lied and told his pappa it was over bc its easier to brush stuff off and say you were joking than be vulnerable especially about 1. having a boyfriend and 2. saying youve already broken up?? but then isak was like hey im done with lying about who i am bc i want my life to be REAL and he told his dad the truth even if it was hard and even if he was trying rlly hard not to cry  -isak reaching out to even<3 standing up for even<3 -o helga natt. another scene i genuinely cannot comment on bc u cant really put into any written language how magical and breathtaking and heartbreaking and powerful and brilliant this scene is. so. -jk. obvs i cant say anything intelligent enough to give this scene justice but probably the most stunning piece of television i have ever had the privilege of watching. even’s text breaks my heart every gd time (esp since we never really see this side of him before finding out he’s bipolar? his guilt, insecurity, feeling like a burden, being scared of losing everyone in his life because he thinks he’ll hurt them). the music is SO beautiful i cry real tears as soon as the strings start. also the brilliance of JUST o helga natt playing and no dialogue except for isaks one line? isak’s realization when he sees the cross. him RUNNING across oslo to go to even. the FLASHBACKS all going backwards in chronological order until them smoking on the bench. isak looking at the bench and not seeing even and u can feel his heart breaking and urs breaks too! but then he remembers the bathroom and he turns and theres even and whewwww. du er ikke alene<3

ep10 -minutt for minutt is THE most healing clip im telling u. and like.. seeing even depressed really is hard and as someone who was very very depressed for 4-ish yrs of their life it rlly hits me? like when youre in an especially bad funk and you cant get out of bed and youre just numb and exhausted and feel so shitty and u want to be alone but you really dont???? could go on but literally i owe henrik holm my life for his portrayal of even  -not to be a soft bitch on main but when isak tucks the blanket over even and it keeps getting pulled off his back so isak just. covers that spot with himself? -i do love that call between sonja and isak bc once again! a flawed (realistic) human being -and isak thinking its his fault even is depressed? it means a lot that sonja told him its no ones fault, even is just bipolar. and i wonder if isak felt that way about his mamma as well, guilty for her being ill, and if what sonja said made him feel better about that situation too :( -lowkey random but when isak is rambling really fast and he goes “maybe we’ll get bombed tomorrow and talking about all this is a waste of time” it continually punches me in the throat bc that is /exactly/ how i ramble and think like tarjei........ pls -like eskild said. there really is so much love in isak’s little grumpy teenage body<3 -isak no longer just passively accepting life as its given to him, now he fights for him and even!!!!!  -isak is such a forgiving person and seeing him able to just accept things and move on? incredible -i remember when i first watched ep1 i was like oooo even and isak are gonna be kosegruppa partners and thats when theyll first get together, cooking food or smth!! but lmfao after episode 3? kosegruppa whomst???? also hilarious vilde thought isak of all people would willingly sign up for kosegruppa just to go to revue parties -even and linn friendship!!!! -cannot articulate how mf heartwarming it is to see even smiling and being more himself after being depressed (also thank u julie for having ups and downs coming out of his depression- its so true to life having one day when youre feeling awesome and then the next you feel awful again for no reason and its SO frustrating) -I had to stop watching passe pa meg cause it made me toooooo crazy! it would just be like: “I like seeing you laugh” and I was like: *SCREAMS* -im the fucking master of lying 😤 -literally don’t know why isak and even ragging on kosegruppa is so funny but “did you think I joined to have fun” gets me every time -I SAW YOU THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL -also even literally radiating love @ isak watching get snarky w vilde on the phone bc it reminded him of the first time he saw him! even rly is that boyfriend who thinks isak being pissy is the Best Thing he has Ever seen -halla boiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiz -literally the glo up of isak telling his friends the order in which he’d bang them -No filter! wow I love symbolism -so nice to see the girls together for a lil bit :) -the boys hyping up mags while also telling him to be respectful awwwwww -take desperate to a whole new level- Confucius  -who’s going to show isak how to properly hold a beer can -literally evak banter gets me thru the day. thank u tarjei and henrik for having phenomenal chemistry + improvisation skills + making isak and even the dumbest nerdiest boys i have ever seen -biology partner. and friend. ;-; -even literally is the biggest stoner blease -isak’s talk with eva is just sooooo<3 and not to be emo on main but every single word of the last few sentences he says hit me so gd hard because i feel the exact same way in my BONES -livet er nå 💛

final thoughts :( <3 -this season is so special. it feels like one really long oscar-worthy movie or smth?? i cant even exblain, its just magical. ALSO very dear to my heart. -julie really said you guys have seen isak sad and alone and repressed for the past two seasons so heres him falling in love with the best person in the world and coming to terms with who he is and being brave and opening up and finally being happy and living a real life -this season definitely feels different from s1/2/4 to me editing or production or music smth wise? as in, its got a lot fewer aesthetic shots and the cinematography seems a bit different if that makes any sense???? I also think this is the season most focused just on the main (i.e. not many- if any? sideplots going on) -literally will never get over the thought, love, and detail put into this season. when i say there is literally nothing i would change about it, i mean it and coming from my nitpicky ass??? means a lot lmfao. the acting, directing, music choices, symbolism...... sublime -s3′s cold rainy autumn aesthetic makes me ACHE for fall and also nostalgic for a highschool experience I never had lmao?? also. all the nighttime clips >>> -don’t know what else to say except thank u skam for my life

[deltacommagreen]

6.19 dreams

There was a field trip to an arcade/movie theatre place, just this huge entertainment center. Also the whole thing had underwater vibes. It was like dark and the lighting was dark blue. The ceilings were very hugh to accomodate rhe theatre but the back was open to go to other areas. I had plans to see a movie with my friend maria but she didnt seem like she could see me and she bailed on the plans, so i went to the arcade.

I tried to play one of the cabinets but there was a couple of older kids, one boy one girl, who were gatekeeping me. I like tried to spend money playing the game but the girl put her face close to the screen kinda looking at me and the boy was behind me to the left with his arms crossed. The game was really hard. It was like a 2.5D version of Contra but it also had a really huge overworld that felt massive like if you stood at the bottom of a wide canyon in the desert. I spent a couple bucks to play and the machine spat out a $12 coin, but it was like $12 of arcade money not real money, so i could redeem it for prizes. I wanted to show my older brother the game but i couldnt find him. Even though they were being mean earlier the older kids admitted i played pretty well for my first time.

Later i remember there was a stage, it was a huge festival with similar colors but i think we were outside under the night sky. Tyler the creator was performing as igor, but there were a bunch of other big names that kinda overshadowed him. The stage was wide and had multiple levels, like in a house when you go down one step to enter the living room. Tyler was far right on the middle level, he was sliding/dancing across the stage. Something went wrong with his mic or something and he seemed pissed off. He was like cool ab it bc what else are you gonna do but he was def upset. Anyways tyler gets off stage and goes into the grass and walks to his trailer. At some point during his performance i became a backup dancer so i was like behind him watching him get off stage. I wanted to talk to him but i didnt get the chance.

Another part in the dream, its still night but we’re like near a highway or something. I think i was outside of the stadium arcadium. Theres a huge crane. I remember being in the claw of the crane with two of my other friends. We were so high up and it shouldve been scary but i didnt really notice, until the crane started moving. One if my friends was at the controls and swung the arm of it. I almost fell off. The claw section if it had a platform witha  railing, and my friends were inside the railing and i was ouside, hanging on and hooking my feet where the rails met the floor. I think i got hurt. I remember there being an interaction between a car on the highway and the crane but i forget. I think i was in a car at one point and it was going really fast. Everything was still dark blue. Thats all i remember.

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I woke up at 3am. I started texting this girl I’m dating. I told her about my dreams and we talked about some really cool stuff. Part way through, I got a text from my friend matt, who i recently had to stop being friends with because I didn’t think he was treating me very well. We got into a conversation, he asked me some questions, said some rude stuff, and then he told me to block him so we said bye and i did. i had these dreams after.

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i remember being in a house that felt like my home. I wanted to talk to maria, but she was locked in a room playing mozart. Later i was going to class (there was more hallway/highschool stuff that happened inbetween but i forget. Something about driving too). The class was on the roof of a tall parking garage. It was a warm/hot day out. I was sitting against one of the barriers, talking to some friends to my left. I was telling them about why i didnt like matt wolf/why we didnt get along. There were holes in the floor, it felt dangerous to be there. I said “its nothing i wouldn’t say to him in person” and somebody said “well good thing for that, he’s sitting right next to you” and i turn right and he’s crosslegged staring at me silently, sitting way too close so that we are touching/almost are touching. Class starts. We’re doing yoga, it’s led by Mrs. Radcliffe. I think i had been failing out of whatever this class was; i saw a montage of me showing up late. I really needed to do well though. While I was up there that day, this conversation ran in my head where I was begging her (something i never do) to let me pass, and i told her i was trying my best but it was really hard for me. I couldn’t tell if the conversation had already happened, or if i was imagining it if it did happen. The class transformed into a new area, which had a ceiling and was dotted with dirty windows. The room was dark, muted pea green. There were old people there. There was a competition in the class. We had to ferment one grape. The way the fermentation went was you had to pick a large container of grapes and guide it to the bottom, without crushing it or the other grapes. The bottom of each container was wickered, with holes big enough to see/potentially pluck out the grape you fermented. It was timed. It was really stressful for some reason. I didn’t know what I was doing. I kept running from container to container; i had multiple grapes that i was tending to because I figured if i did more than one grape, it was more likely i would win. It was time to judge the grapes. I led a woman with a clipboard to the back right of the room. My grape was at the bottom of the container, but it looked squashed and ugly. I also wasn’t sure if it was mine, so i pointed to another one i thought looked pretty to show to her. I said ‘i think thats mine’. She looked really disappointed and was about to fail me. Then I came clean and said, ‘no no i was wrong its this one. I lied i dont know why i did but this one is really mine i swear’ and she looked at it and really seemed to like it. She asked me why i lied. I said ‘i dont know i just wanted you to like my grape’ and that i was sorry. I think she announced that i won, but her voice was very quiet and i forget. The next part of the dream took place in the same room. A huge crowd of people was trying to kill me. I think at some points i was a white mouse with one eye, the other eye was bloodied. The crowd had swords and spears and things and everytime one stabbed me it started an undertale fight where i had to dodge it bullet-hell style. I kept yelling at them, “IM A HUMAN DONT KILL ME” but they were very reluctant to believe me. It felt like they couldnt see or hear me. The crowd was led by a king, who decided that maybe i was a human, and they would have to test by stabbing me some more. If i could dodge the attacks then maybe i was a human. But there were so many attacks, too many. They were being mean, i think they knew i had to be human but they kept going. I don’t know what happened to me. I woke up.

[lifeofwatashi]

Blog entry #27: An update.

8/6/17, 0245. Hey again, after awhile. I just turned 18! Finally legal hahah. Not sure if it's a good or a bad thing though. But oh wells. Let's talk about that. 7th June 1999, the day a boy was born. A boy filled with mixed up feelings and insecurities he had to grow up with, a boy who was always demure and reticent. The day I was born. Not sure if thats a good or a bad thing either haha. I was feeling sad yesterday. Of all days, one would've thought his/her birthday would at least give a little spark of positivity. But not me, for this year at least. I was never really bothered by this day. To me, it's just an ordinary day. We don't get older just on our birthdays. We grow everyday. Every minute that passes means we've grown a minute older. I never really cared whether anyone wished me or if anyone would throw a surprise for me or what not. Although I do expect some wishes from certain people who are really significant to me. All these didn't matter. Not this year though. I don't know why. This year, not many people realised it was my birthday. Even the closest of my friends never bothered to wish me. I kinda expected my 18th birthday to be super cool and all but nope. I've gotten close to many people this year. Not a single one wished me. It saddens me to be honest. Maybe it's mostly cause I expected things to happen and when they did not, I got very insecure and broken. My 18th birthday might just be the worst birthday I ever had. 1) Things that would never bother me the slightest became the most bothersome. 2) Nothing good really happened throughout the entire day. 3) I feel stupid. I used to get many many wishes on my birthdays. Like those long ass texts that would take me minutes to read. I only got 1 this year. I mean yea it really doesn't matter. Or it shouldn't matter even. But its not about getting long texts or not. It's about realising how many people you've lost in your life. Those who used to send me long ass texts now just say "happy birthday!" It shows a lot. In my perspective at least. What happened to the long texts you used to send me? Shows how much we've drifted. Another thing is not receiving wishes from people who you'd want to receive wishes from. I didn't get a wish from many people that are important in my life. Which really saddens me. I don't know why but yeah. This year's birthday really sucks. I can't even describe how I felt yesterday. To me it was terrible. My mind's been fucking around with my life. Been thinking about things not worth thinking about, been prioritising things which are not important, been wanting things that i'll never get. Things that make me happy and calm me down are also the things which fucks me up and makes me feel fucking frustrated. I don't blame the cause though. I've been thinking a lot of Qiyanah and how stupid I've been feeling whenever I try to talk to her. I'll always feel so desperate when I talk to her. I think even she notices it. How I wish things weren't this way. How I wish things hadn't gone this way. Honestly all I want from all my conversations witn Qiyanah is just to get closer to her and to know her better. But she probably doesn't feel the same ah. Maybe I should stop talking to her. Maybe I'll get better.. I found her blog and I read whatever she wrote there. It really gave me an insight on who she really is. I'm not sure if it was right for me to read but honestly, I can't see her the same way I've been seeing her. One would probably think she's living her life being happy everyday but no one really notices her bad times. Well that's what I extracted and inferred from her blogs. I feel like I want to be there for her, by her side so whenever she feels like shit she knows that she has someone who's always there for her. But I guess that'll never happen. Life has been terrible. 2017 has been terrible. I just wish things would go back to being fine (if they were even fine before) and be nice to me. I've been feeling so many different types of shit I find myself going back to my old habits of just staring at the ceiling at 3am in the morning. I've been very lethargic mentally. I have so many things to say but I just can't organise my thoughts and say everything. Sigh how I wish I was telling all this to someone instead of a platform in which only I have access too. Actually 2 others know about this blog but I doubt they even bother anymore. I don't want to bother them anyway. They have their own problems to takecare of. But i wish i stop feeling so lonely and not cared for soon. May your days be blessed.