#but that would probably have a big overlap with 'never read and never will' and skew the results

[winged-mammal]

please reblog and talk in the tags, because if this stays within my little orbit I know exactly what the results will be but I NEED TO KNOW

[gilverrwrites]

Man, I need something with Jason's big hands, so big that one hand can cup your entire sex...

He will smack your clit, cup your sex, you'll grind on it and he will do something while cupping your lady bits.

I can live off of your body heat

Jason Todd/Reader, 2.4K

AN: I've actually had mutiple req for Jason and/or Dick slapping and pinching the readers clit which is like so specific, but I get it. Like I feel yall so much. I know Jay being a giant is fanon thing, but goddamn my 5'4 ass wants to be crushed by his hands so bad. CWs: Mentions of Jay's scars, swearing, size difference, Dom!Jay, teasing, Jay being really rough, nipple play, clit pinching, clit slapping. Petnames: Baby, babe, babygirl, good girl, Name-calling: Filthy girl, bitch, slut. Recommended listening: Body Heat - Kate Nash

There’s a scar on his chest. Actually, there are many scars on his chest. However, there’s one in particular that stands out; a long taut piece of skin that stretches from his left shoulder blade, right down to his sternum. Its pale sheen stands out against his tan skin and begs you to trail a finger along it.

Despite the temptation, you don’t.

Jason hasn’t slept this well in weeks so you daren't risk waking him yet. Instead, you watch the gentle rise and fall of his torso under the mellow light of the morning sun until the need to move is too great.

Your feet have barely touched the ground when a pair of sturdy arms close around you, enveloping you in the warmth of the very body you’d just been admiring and pulling you back into the bed. Or more, pulling you on top of his body, primarily by his choice, partially because there isn’t enough room for you both to lay without some overlap. Every time you mention buying a larger bed, Jason vetoes it; says he likes the close proximity. That feeling your body against his helps him to relax and you can’t really argue with that sentiment.

“Where’d you think you’re going?” He asks from the spot in the crook of your neck he loves to nuzzle into. He peppers the side of your neck with sleepy half-kisses.

It would be endearing, were his hands not already under the oversized Red Hood tee you’d stolen from him to sleep in.

“Oh, I don’t know.” You hum, hands wrapping around his wrists, purely for additional skin-on-skin contact. You couldn’t stop him from ghosting his calloused fingertips up your body if you wanted to. It’s strange, and arousing to think that he can, and has trapped both of your wrists in with just one hand.

“You don't know?” He’s rousing properly now, amused by your answer.

“Probably just to shower, make a coffee, maybe read a book until you wake up.”

“I’m awake now.” He reminds you, rolling his hips to emphasise his double entendre. The heat of his mourning wood grinds against your backside, and at the same time, one of his wandering hands finally settles on a target. He cups the underside of your breast, and you can’t help sucking in a breath as he pinches your nipple between his thumb and forefinger. Already so brutal, despite the slow, sensual way he’s been exploring until now.

You sigh in relief when he lets go, allowing just enough time for the blood to rush back before he clamps down again, this time in a twisting motion that has your hands shooting up into his hair. “Jay!”

He seems unaffected by your attack on his scalp, chuckling into the tender spot behind your ear, and causing a chill to run down your spine. “Yeah, baby?”

“You should be asleep.” You’d intended to deadpan for comedic effect, but it comes out in short, strained breaths that only serve to make you sound needy as hell.

It’s at this point you hear a snapping sound, followed by the light sting of your underwear’s elastic waist snapping against your skin, drawing your attention downwards just in time to feel Jason cupping your entire sex in just one of his hands. All the while he never stops the assault on your now raw tits.

“Do you want me to stop?” He questions. At the same time, he palms your folds through the fabric of your underwear, pressing the ball of it against your increasingly aching clit.

“Feels nice.” You sigh, letting your head fall back against his shoulder, allowing him further access to the sensitive skin of your neck which he eagerly accepts, honing in to suck and nibble, sloppily leaving marks in his wake. You don’t want to back down, but God, you do not want him to stop.

“Come on baby, I need a real answer. Do you want me to go back to sleep?” He eventually circles back, lips barely leaving your flesh as he speaks. Distracting you from the erotic sting of your nipples and the heat between your legs as his rugged fingers push all the right buttons. “Or do you want me to keep playing with your cute little pussy?”

“Fuck, Jay please- “ You’re ready to give in but as you speak he hooks two fingers under the crotch of your underwear, and the resulting, embarrassingly wet squelch that sounds out as he presses them between your folds has you hissing.

“Please what?” He goads, now upping the pressure. He’s doing it on purpose, cause he’s a fucking tease. “Please stop?”

“No! Please don’t stop touching my cunt!”

“Your cunt? You’re fucking filthy, girl. You know that?” He plants a quick, hard kiss on your cheek and, as if you weigh nothing, lifts you by your pussy, repositioning you for his own ease until your legs are stretched wide, his own wedged in between to keep you in place. The speed at which he moves is enough to give you whiplash. You barely have enough time to gasp at the retraction of his hands before they’re on you again, settling in new positions. With one hand he completely pulls aside your panties, exposing your hot, soaked folds to the tepid air. The other pulls your tee over your head before cupping the back of your head, forcing your gaze downwards. “Don’t move. I want you to watch everything I do to you. Can you do that for me, baby”

Shit. You think your heart might beat out of your chest. All this vehement energy so early in the morning. “Yes, Jay!”

Immediately contradicting yourself, you turn your head to admire his handsome profile. The determined squint of his eyes, the bed head, the morning stubble, you really lucked out with him you think as you lean closer to kiss his cheek. Before you can make contact Jay's grip tightens on the back of your head, sharply turning you back to watch as he dips two long fingers between your slit. Your clit practically twitches at the sight of them; long enough to span from top to entrance in excess.

You try your hardest to watch as he repeatedly strokes your lips in short, lazy motions but it’s a challenge not to close your eyes and get lost in the moment. It’s even harder not to throw your head back and scream when he suddenly sinks his fingers around your clit and starts pinching, it. Tightly rolling the sensitive bud between two curled fingers.

“Shit, Jay.” You pant through gritted teeth. “That hurts so good.”

Just like with your nipples, what feels even better is the rapid return of blood flow when he releases it. He repeats the process twice over, laughing every time you flinch or whine. Whispering in your ear about how you’re his “good girl”, how “you can take it” every time you dig your nails into his arm in an attempt to relieve the pain.

“Help me out here babe. Spread your pussy out for me.” He instructs, playfully gasping into your ear when you pull back your lips to reveal your now dark and swollen core. You’re too turned on to care about the sight of it. Happy to expose yourself, certain that the moment he starts kneading you with care, you’ll cum in seconds.

Jason must be thinking the same as he dips one finger into your entrance, just enough to coat it with your arousal before returning to your puffy clit to rub around it in circles. Even at twice the size, your clit is smaller than the tip of his finger.

“Ohh, I’m gonna cum soon.” Before you’ve even finished your sentence Jay retracts his hand, ripping a distraught weep from you in the process. You’ve been here a hundred times before, splayed out for him, gasping, and begging for his touch, but the red-hot shame at your flagrant desperation never eases. “What the fuck, dude!?”

“Dude?” Without warning, Jay comes back down. Hard. Your whole body shakes under the intensity of the vicious slap he delivers to your clit. “Who the fuck are you calling dude?”

He doesn’t give you enough time to answer before he smacks your open folds again. Flipping the switch in your body from heady to adrenaline-filled arousal.

“Say my name.” He barks as he dispenses a third slap.

“Jay!” You don’t have it in you to say his full name, but it seems to satisfy.

“Say it louder.” His words are punctuated by the lewd echo of sharp, stinging strikes. “I want the neighbours to hear what a dirty fucking slut you are. Want them to know who you belong to.”   

“Jason. You Jason!” You close your eyes and throw your head back, crying with everything you can muster, not caring how raunchy or pathetic you sound. Ignoring the pain of your own nails digging into your flesh. “Jason. I’m yours, Jason.”

“That's better.” He growls. Finally, his arm falls slack. With no friction from your dripping, wanting walls, Jason glides two fingers into your entrance and you tremble, your whole body tingling, ecstatic to finally feel him inside you. It’s just two fingers, two impressively strong, thick fingers that make you feel so full. “You’re so beautiful, you know that?”

Abashed by his sudden gentleness you open your eyes once more, positioning yourself to look at him as best you can. He’s one to talk. You’re always telling him he could be a model if he decided to quit being a part-time crime lord, part-time crime fighter.  

You’re unable to concentrate on him for long, however, as he starts pumping in and out of you in torturously slow thrusts. After all the excitement, it quietens your mind and eases your muscles. For the first time since he’d repositioned your bodies, you notice the pressure of his cock, pulsing against your lower back. The rigged hardness of it makes you feel fuzzy and content at his equal levels of arousal.

You stay like that for a few minutes, simply enjoying the calm as Jason gently massages your insides until it’s not enough. You need more, your body yearns, your core practically twitching for his touch on your clit again. An orgasm is approaching steadily, but you’ll get nowhere without it.

The heel of his hand is so close, so sturdy, you don’t even think about what you’re doing, you just start undulating your hips, rutting up against him in unstable motions. He doesn’t stop you; in fact he curls his fingers and brings his palm down closer, letting you use him to chase your orgasm.

“That's it, baby. Hump me like a bitch in heat.” He coos so softly in your ear that it would set your pulse racing if it wasn’t already running at a mile a minute. “Remember I'm the only who does this for you, the only one who can make you feel so full and cock drunk on just my hands.”

He's right, he's so fucking right.

“Keep that up, I might just cum too.”

“Fuck me.” You breathe, affected both by his words and the reminder of his throbbing dick squeezed between your bodies.

“Not until you cum on my fingers.” He’s only half joking. “Can you do that for me baby, cum all over my finger like a good little slut?”

Fuck yes, you can. You want to say, but all your energy is focused on riding his hand, fucking yourself on his brawny fingers, and gyrating against his palm like it's your job. His groans and rasps become a motivational mantra as you keep bucking your hips.

“You’re nearly there.” He comments, able to feel your walls tightening around his digits, convulsing uncontrollably as it hits you. It takes all your strength to ride it out; to keep going as you topple over the edge but fuck it’s worth it for the full extent of your release. “That it babygirl, cum for me baby, fucking soak me.”

Worth it for the explicit sound of your wet cum streaming against Jason’s hands, for the rush of ecstasy that bleeds through your body, and especially for the unexpected heat that spreads across your lower back in spaced-out intervals; Jason's own ejaculation seeping through his boxers and dispersing on your skin.         

Simultaneously, you both grow limp, breathing in time with each other until the rapid movements of your chests begin to ebb back to a steady pace.

“You were so good for me, I’m so proud of you.” Jason praises as he rolls your bodies onto their sides, never releasing you in the process, but allowing him a better ability to press a smattering of kisses to the side of your head, lingering along your jawline. You're grateful for his sweet words, but still too fucked-out to speak, but you coo when he lifts a hand to run his thumb along your neck, presumably checking out his earlier handy work. You arch to get a better look at him, and given the subtle, but smug smile on his face, you’re certain he’s left quite the mark.   

“Let me guess.” You find your voice. “It’s not just the neighbours who’ll know who I belong to?”

“Hmmmm.” He tilts his head and puckers his lips in mock consideration. “I think you should donate all your scarf.”

“Jay!” You punch his shoulder, and he has enough decency to play along, briefly leaning back as though you could even make a dent on his towering frame. “Is it really bad?”

“No. No no no.” He’s lying through his teeth, snickering as he leans in to crush your lips with his own. His skin is slick with sweat you realise when you reach up to gently grasp his other shoulder and guide him closer to you. His morning breath is frankly kind of gross, but yours probably is too. Nevertheless, it’s a price you’re willing to pay for his affection.

“What do you wanna do now?” He asks when he pulls back from your mouth, continuing to press kisses down your neck, along your collar, and slinking closer to your chest with each brush. He asks some variation of this same question everytime you fuck. Letting you direct how much you can take from him in one go or what kind of aftercare you need.

“I don’t know.” You hum, imitating your earlier indecision, as you stretch against the mattress. “Shower, coffee, and a book still sounds good to me.”

“Sounds very good. Mind if I join?” He’s not actually asking, that much is evident as he lifts you in his arms and cradles you against his chest as he stands. You’ll both be grateful to get your sticky, cum soaked underwear off. You’ll be even more grateful for the chance to lather and massage your boyfriend up in soapy bubbles, to really get your fingers on those pretty scars that call to you. Maybe you can convince him to take a nap later when you’re curled up on the couch, reading together.

“Wouldn’t have it any other way, Jay.”

[sansaorgana]

— NEW MEMORIES

PAIRING — Erik Lehnsherr x fem!Mutant!Reader

SUMMARY — You're excited to celebrate holidays for the first time in a long time and you prepare the school for Christmas and Hanukkah but your husband's attitude differs, which leads to an argument. You accidentally reveal too soon that you're expecting, which ruins a surprise.

AUTHOR’S NOTE — As usual, Reader’s mutation is NOT specified. I checked online Hanukkah's date for 1973 and I hope it showed me right that it started December 19th, which means it would overlap with Christmas. I also tried not to specify if Reader would celebrate only Hanukkah with Erik or Christmas, too, so I hope it's not very exclusive, because I imagine that even if she is not a Christian or Jewish, she would still want to celebrate Hanukkah because of her husband. In this fic, Erik and Reader are both teachers at Xavier's School, probably after Days of Future Past happened but with less shitty ending for Erik 😂 I also wanted to write a part when the baby is born but I decided the time difference between the scenes would be too big so I'll just write another fic 😁

WARNINGS — mentions of parents' death (Reader's backstory is similar to Jean Grey's)

WORD COUNT — 2,220

ENGLISH IS MY SECOND LANGUAGE.

NEW MEMORIES

December has never been your favourite time of the year. Most of the time it was a reminder that you weren’t normal, that your life wasn’t usual and that whatever all these people in Christmas commercials had was out of your reach.

But in 1973, for the first time in your life, you were actually excited. And since Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters was open again, you had plenty of people to share your excitement with. Lots of students volunteered to help you with decorating the place for the upcoming Christmas and Hanukkah celebrations. That year was one of those when the two of them overlapped.

After all your classes on Friday, you worked on yet another room of the house with the help of a few students. When you finished it was almost ten pm so you told them goodnight and went straight to your bedroom. Erik was already there, reading a history book and making notes.

“What is it about?” you asked him with a smile as you began to take off your clothes. You were so tired that you decided to take a shower in the morning and now just change into pajamas.

“Napoleonic wars,” your husband answered without looking up. “I have a feeling he might have been one of us.”

“Aren’t we, like, a product of this century?” you asked and put a nightgown on. “Come on, it’s late, let’s go to sleep,” you stood behind him and placed your hands on his shoulders.

“I’ve only just begun,” he explained. “I need these notes for Monday.”

When you managed to convince Erik to join you at school and teach history, he was unsure about it but he promised to give it a try. Just like you promised you would leave with him to live in peace somewhere else if he wouldn’t like the life at Charles’ school. But one semester later he was already very engaged in his work. Students respected him although you could see that they were also a bit scared of him, which was understandable.

“You’ve just begun?” you laughed a little.

“I was playing chess with Charles earlier,” Erik answered with a nod and hummed after underlining a line in the book.

“Is this why you’re so tense?” you asked as you slightly squeezed his stiff shoulders. “Did you lose?”

“I’m not tense,” he tried to shake you off.

“Talk to me, Erik. It’s not gonna work if you refuse to talk to me,” you reminded him sternly and he sighed before putting the pencil down and closing the book. “We need to be open about what is bothering us, you promised me we’d make it work this time,” you added.

“Yes, I know. But I don’t want to hurt your feelings,” Erik turned his head around to look at your face. You took a step back and furrowed your brows.

“What do you mean, Erik?” you asked.

He hesitated before saying anything and a million of possible scenarios started to come up to your mind.

“You don’t like it here?” You inquired. “You want us to move out?”

“No, it’s not about that… But…” Erik swallowed thickly and took a deep breath in. “I don’t like what you’re currently doing. I’m sorry. I don’t want to take your happiness out of it.”

“What am I currently doing?” you couldn’t understand what he was saying.

“Christmas and Hanukkah preparations,” he explained and you blinked a few times as your brain needed to process that information.

“Wait, what?!” you raised your voice a little. You didn’t want to scold him for expressing his feelings but you just couldn’t understand his reaction. “We’re going to celebrate for the first time in such a long time, and what’s more important, we’re not gonna be alone in this. We have our friends and students here. For the first time December is a positive time of the year to me… to us,” you tried to explain your point of view nervously. Erik was only looking at you and blinking slowly, patiently waiting for you to finish. “But I don’t do it for myself. I mostly am doing it for you, Erik. I wanted you to be happy, too. I wanted you to enjoy something that had been taken away from you a long time ago.”

“It reminds me of Hanukkahs with my parents,” he finally spoke up and you pursed your lips for a moment before opening your mouth again.

“So you don’t want to ever celebrate again?” you asked to be sure.

“No, I don’t think so,” he shook his head.

“Why can’t you let yourself be happy, why are you torturing yourself further? I don’t get it, I’m sorry,” you tried not to be irritated but you felt utterly disappointed. You sat on the edge of your bed and hid your face in your hands.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t want to be a killjoy.”

“Too late,” you murmured, fighting your tears back.

“I know that most of the students will be celebrating. I think I’ll just leave for a week somewhere. I have already discussed it with Charles and he said there are a few things I can do for him at that time,” Erik’s voice sounded casual like he was discussing business for you.

“You want to leave us during Christmas time?” you moved the hands off of your face and looked up at him angrily.

“(Y/N), please, I don’t want to fight about it…” Erik sighed. “Why can’t you just understand that I don’t want to…” he clenched his jaw and looked away. “I don’t want to create new memories like this because it would remove the ones I already have… with my mother.”

“And you think she wouldn’t want you to celebrate holidays with your new family? You don’t think she’d want you to be happy?” you stood up and looked down at him. You felt like a bitch but his explanation made you even angrier.

“I don’t know what she’d want because she’s dead!” He stood up and raised his voice.

“So, I won’t be able to celebrate ever?! Because you don’t want to create new memories?” you put your hands on your hips.

“I’m not forbidding you to celebrate.”

“I don’t want to celebrate without you, don’t you understand?!” you yelled and rolled your eyes. “And when our child is born, you won’t celebrate Hanukkah with them either?” you asked and then you closed your mouth quickly. Your anger made you reveal a few things too early.

“What child?” you could see Erik’s face becoming pale within a second. “(Y/N)?”

“It was supposed to be a Christmas surprise… But since you won’t even be here, I guess I can tell you now,” you shrugged your arms. “I’m pregnant,” you announced and turned around to avoid looking at his face. You were scared of his reaction.

You didn’t know how long it took him to finally do something. Was it a very long minute or was it ten minutes of a heavy silence between you two…?

“(Y/N), I’m sorry,” he finally whispered. Apologizing wasn’t his strong trait. You sensed him standing behind you and putting his hand on your shoulder shyly. You didn’t push him away but you didn’t lean back towards him as usual either. “For how long do you know?”

“Two weeks. It’s the second month,” you answered, your eyes focused on the wall in front of you as you tried to fight the tears back. “Are you even happy?” you dared to ask and your lower lip trembled because asking it out loud made your heart break.

You were trying to give him a normal life, to give him family and happiness, joy around Christmas time and all that. But he seemed to prefer to dwell on his past. You didn’t expect him to forget about his mother or about the pain, of course not. Your past wasn’t exactly pleasant either. But you wanted to be happy despite that, you wanted to have a family, you wanted a new start in life, another chance.

“Of course I am,” Erik answered and gently turned your body around so you would face him. However, you tried to avoid his eyes. “But I’m terrified,” he confessed.

“And you think I am not?” you looked up eventually as a few tears rolled down your cheeks. “I’m a monster, Erik. You think I’m not scared of hurting them by accident?” you asked.

When you were about twelve years old, you caused your parents’ death after having an argument with them. Your powers were out of control and you were locked in a mental institution for underage girls by people who didn’t understand that you weren’t crazy nor really dangerous. That was where you met the person who made you realize who you were and who was the only person there who wouldn’t treat you like a monster; although that was the word you could easily call him with. His name was Sebastian Shaw – but he introduced himself as Doctor John Smith. He was experimenting on you for a few years and although it had been a traumatic experience, you learnt how to control your mutation thanks to him. That was also how you met Erik – he found you not so long after you turned eighteen years old and left the institution. You started to work as a waitress and he was hunting for the man who had used your pain and suffering to perform experiments on you to deepen his knowledge about the various mutations. You decided to join Erik because your life didn’t seem to have any purpose anyway.

“You’re not a monster,” he sighed and pulled you closer to wrap his arms around you. With one of his hands he held the back of your head and caressed your hair. “You were just a child and now you’re older, you can control your powers. You’re extraordinary,” he whispered the words of comfort and kissed your forehead. “I’m not scared about you hurting our baby, I would never. I trust you with my life,” he assured you and it was comforting to hear that.

“Creating new memories doesn’t wipe out the old ones,” you cried out and pressed your face deeper into his chest. “Believe me, I wish it worked this way. I wish I could forget. I begged Charles to make me forget but he refused to do it to me,” you confessed and Erik raised your chin to make you look at him again. He hadn’t known about that before.

“You haven’t told me that,” his face was full of pain and worry.

“It was when you were in jail. I begged Charles to remove all the pain, the memory of my parents, the memory of Shaw… Even you. I begged him to even remove you from my head. But he told me I wouldn’t be myself any longer. He was right and I hate that. I hate that what I am is made of pain and suffering,” you sniffled. “That’s why I want to make good memories so badly, do you understand? I want to celebrate with you like we never have before. I want to laugh and feel safe. Like I belong somewhere, surrounded with friends and students, with my husband by my side and my baby growing inside of me. Do you understand my point of view now, Erik?” you bit on your trembling lip.

“Yes, my liebling, I do,” he nodded and leaned in to kiss your forehead and then the tip of your nose, which made you giggle through the tears, until eventually he pecked your lips.

“But I don’t want to force you either,” you sighed. Now, when all your emotions were finally out and you calmed yourself down, you decided there was no point in pushing him into something that would make him feel uncomfortable. “If you don’t want to celebrate, it’s alright. We both have our right to deal with whatever that has happened to us in our own ways. I’ll still have fun with all the rest, don’t worry about me,” you assured him.

“No, you were right. About me choosing to torture myself instead of allowing myself to enjoy my life,” Erik caressed your cheek and you cracked a smile. “And I can’t miss my child’s first Hanukkah either.”

“I want them to have a happy childhood,” you told him. “Like we never had.”

“I know. I do, too,” Erik placed his hand on your belly and caressed it gently, like it was made of glass. “I will protect them from everything, I promise. No human will hurt our baby.”

You smiled at him and cupped his face before leaning in to give him a proper kiss this time.

But you didn’t tell him that what you feared more than humans hurting your child was actually the child turning out to be perfectly normal. You were afraid that a man so prejudiced towards humans as your husband wouldn’t love his child fully if they weren’t a mutant. You couldn’t tell him that, though. You didn’t want to fight with him anymore that night. Instead, you just kissed him. After all, you’d still have a few years before you’d find out if the baby was a mutant or not.

MASTERLIST

[xstevex-world]

Steve Harrington’s favourite musician has been the same since he was 17.

He distinctly remembers hearing Chrissy Cunningham play in his car radio during his senior year, subsequently listening to nothing but her breakout EP for a week straight - and that was just the beginning.

He followed all of work for over the past 7 years: bought physical and digital copies of all her albums, watched every music video multiple times, read every interview, saved up enough while working weekend shifts at scoops to get tickets to her sold out shows in Indiana - he had so much merch that Jonathan Byers once joked that Steve could probably make a shrine to his idol.

He had even kept up during her hitatus, almost two full years of radio silence from the star, like she had disappeared off the face of the earth. It wasn’t the worst thing that had ever happened, but it didn’t help that it overlapped with him dropping out of business school to pursue a career in cosmetology and that final falling out he had with his father over his choice in education.

The day she came back felt like Christmas.

Her comeback announcement dropped on June 13th - and it wasn’t just a new post on social media or a candid shot online someone managed to snap.

It was a whole EP drop, 4 entire songs (and a music video) that he knew he was going to play on repeat after 716 days of radio silence.

That opened the floodgates for everything to start again: she went back on social media, thanked her fans for their wholehearted response to her new releases. She started doing interviews again: discussing her mental health and the impact of her mothers control in her life; her reunion with her best friend (and apparent ex) from high school; her label dropping her after it was found that her “momager” had embezzled a huge amount of money from said company, releasing her from her contract early and allowing her to find new partners, new producers, new projects.

She talks about how she’s never been happier, and Steve can’t help but beam at it. He can hear it in her music, how it’s going more against the grain of what’s popular, opting instead for etherial synths mixed with heavy guitars. She sings about heartbreak and moving on and being better than then the people who brought her down for long, now that she’s starting fresh.

Steve loves it, thinks some of the changes have something to with Eddie Munson’s name appearing in the credits of all her new material.

Truthfully, he got curious after someone on Twitter posted a screengrab of cameos made by Munson and his own bandmates in all of her new music videos. He thankful someone else made the connection, and although he’s not the biggest fan of Corroded Coffin’s music (apart from the collaboration EP they did with Chrissy: “CCxCC presents Satanic Slumber Party”, that was incredible), he would lying if he didn’t say he was totally enamoured by Eddie goddamn Munson.

Let alone the fact that he’s totally Steve’s type (big hair, bigger eyes, a complete dork with a heart of gold but who also looks like he would bite someone in both a feral dog and a “please take me to your bedroom right now” kind of way), the guy is a genius when it comes to music, spending interviews talking about the process of artistry and the importance of storytelling - even when they’re discussing songs about him, written by Chrissy about their break up, he’s still so passionate and witty, the two of them spending interviews bouncing off each other in a way that would rival his relationship Robin.

He’s fine, really, he knows logically this is just a celebrity crush that will pass if he stops thinking about it for long enough, but he’s certain that this could develop into one of those all encompassing obsessions if he doesn’t curb it now- and that’s exact what he does. He tries to put that energy into school, excelling more than he ever did in an academic setting. He meets up more often with Nancy, Jonathan, Argyle and Barb, inviting them over more often for dinner or drinks, sometimes even just because he wants to make a breakfast feast and need someone else to eat it.

It’s at times like this that he misses Robin, who only has about 6 weeks left of her internship in Paris - he hasn’t seen her in person since he went to visit her a few months ago during spring break. He wishes she was her to openly judge him over this, before rambling on about her own current hyperfixation or moaning about her lack of romantic adventures since she and Vickie broke up.

They still talk on the phone every afternoon (nighttime for her), ranting to each other about their perspective day and sharing any worthwhile gossip.

Tonight’s no different, he’s telling her about the current drama happening in his classes when Robin says:

“I met someone today.”

He’s ecstatic - in his opinion robin deserves the world and the fact she’s met someone on her own in a city where she has been finding it hard interacting with people outside of her placement is a miracle in itself.

She tells him more: how she met this girl that morning at café, acting as a knight in shining armour (Robin’s words, not Steve’s) when the girl got flustered trying to order her coffee in broken French; how she spent the day showing this girl around to her favourite shops and parks and museums; how they spent hours talking about everything and nothing; how Robin hasn’t felt this way about someone since Vickie.

“So then we had dinner at that Italian place, the one I took you to, and, Steve, oh my goddess, she has the cutest little laugh-“

“Did you get her name?”

“Oh, sorry” he can hear her move the phone from one ear to the other. “Yeah it’s Chrissy.”

Steve stops his pacing. That would be one hell of a coincidence, if it was Chrissy Cunningham. She is playing in Paris the following night, the penultimate stop of her current tour. (The very show that he had been tempted to go to, since he could stay with Robin. It absolutely wasn’t because Corroded Coffin was joining her for the European leg of the tour - acting as her band, as well as performing songs from their collaboration as the encore - something that did not happen at any of the American shows). It couldn’t be the same Chrissy that Robin had fallen head over heels for in the space of a few hours, right?

“Did you get any of her socials?��� He asks, cautiously.

“Nope,” she answers, popping the p for emphasis. “I didn’t think to ask, because I’m an idiot and all that-“

“Robs,” he interrupts, trying to keep his voice steady. “You’re not an idiot.”

Her hears her laugh on the other end of the line, the same kind of self-deprecating giggle she uses when she’s nervous. He wishes he was there with her so she could see him roll his eyes at her, their main way of communicating their love.

“What did she look like?”

“Oh!” She exclaims as he hears her tumbling over something (knowing Robin, probably herself). “We took a picture together, hold on, I’ll send it over.”

His phone vibrates against his ear, so he brings it in front of him, putting Robin on speaker so he can see the photo.

And.

Holy fuck.

“Robin,” he says slowly, because he actually can’t believe it himself. “Do you know who that is?”

((Part 2))

[starrayblogs]

Please hsc tmnt2012 x reader in which the reader, during an argument, impulsively tells the turtle that he is a monster/mutant/mistake something like that, immediately realizes it and apologizes profusely, how do they react

ohhhh i've read so many scenarios like this back in like 2016 and they were the WORST– like they made me feel so horrible reading them because why would you call my boys that!!?

anyway, history repeats itself so i hope you get sad over this one too teehee. if someone asks for a reconciliation to this hcs, i'll probably do it :D

anyway, likes and reblogs are appreciated!

pairings: (2012) leonardo x reader, raphael x reader, donatello x reader, and michelangelo x reader (gender neutral)

will include: angst

The mission went wrong in all possible ways. You had messed up your part of the mission and it ended up jeopardizing the entire plan. To add, you were injured in the battle and your favorite turtle had to come save you.

You were beginning to wish he hadn't.

He was lecturing you in his room, telling you all the things you should've done, should've avoided, and he just kept going on and on with this and that. You tried to defend yourself too.

However, it just became a pointless argument. You were heated and, then, you said something you didn't mean to...

Leonardo

"What did you expect, Leo!? I'm just a human with regular human abilities! You're a freak!" You yelled, standing up from his bed and pointing a finger at him.

You gasp. Your hands quickly cover your mouth as your face paints with guilt.

Leo blinks his eyes at you for a bit before dipping his head down. "Please, leave," he turns his back to you before pointing to the direction of his door. "Leave right now." He orders quietly.

when you finally leave the room, he rushes to the door and slides down with his shell against it. this way, you can't push his door open. not when he's pushing up against it

leo is the type to dwell on situations until it's been resolved. from what you yelled at him that night, this would never resolve

he makes sure to keep himself hidden as much as possible when you're down in the sewer after that. which is mostly locking himself in his room to meditate instead of the dojo.

if he does happen to bump into you, he does everything to hide his face at least before slipping back in the shadows. like freaks are used to do

he doesn't have the confidence to confront you either. he's fully convinced that when you don't try to talk to him again, that you really think he's a freak. that you don't want him in your life

every time that he meditates, all he can think about was the time you called him a freak. every time that he spars, all he can think of was that. it occupies his thoughts so badly

it makes him act irrational on patrols; he would yell at his brothers at the slightest slip up or beat up a kraangdroid longer than he should, and then he sees it-

his reflection in the metal. eyes white, teeth bared, and mask furrowed. he blinks and stumbles back as a cry locks itself in the middle of his throat. you were right, he is a freak

Raphael

"I'm injured, Raph! I'm clearly not in the mood to be scolded right now! What kind of monster do you have to be!?" You scream at him, jabbing a finger to his chest momentarily.

"Wha- monster!?" He growls.

"Yeah, yeah you are! You're a big, big, horrible, and rude monster!!!" You blow up in his face. He releases a sharp 'ha!' and grabs you by your shoulders, to which you grab him by the wrists.

It's no use pushing him back, considering he's much stronger. So the argument ends with you overlapping each other as Raph pushes you outside his room.

Only then do you realize what you said to him when he releases your shoulders. You were so blinded by your own anger than you didn't see the small shine in his eyes. Tears.

"Raph-" The door slams in your face.

he listens for your footsteps to tell if you've left or not. once you're gone, he tears up his room.

the entire sewer city of new york could probably hear him break his punching dummy, ripping comics, and screaming his lungs out. they hear everything but one thing, which is him crying

he spends his days going through different sewer pipes because his family got tired of him breaking things in the lair. he spends his day blaming you; telling himself that you were the one in the wrong

but at night, when he's tired himself out from wrecking and crying, he takes it all back. you were right, he is a monster

raph is the type to beat his sadness out to pass it off as anger until his tired and admits himself that he is sad. he's sad that you see him that way, and that you were correct

when he hears you're in the lair at night, he goes silent. he's the type to not want to be seen or heard by you again, because he's afraid that he'll just show you just how much of a monster he is again

Donatello

"Why don't you just go bug off, Donnie?! I'm sure an animal like yourself can do that!" In your outburst, you accidentally knock over a beaker. When it shatters on the ground, you realize what you've said.

You look to the turtle. He looked so sad. His mask was slightly furrowed, his mouth just a tad open, and his eyes glossy. He didn't look just sad, no– he looked hurt. You open your mouth to explain yourself, but he speaks first.

"Excuse me..." Donnie leaves the room with his head down.

donnie's obviously the type to drown himself in work to try and think about anything but the problem

however, he drowns himself in work for you. he tries to make trinkets, machines, and other sorts of gifts in hopes that you would forgive him when he gives it

but every time, without fail, he works on these projects, he hears you calling him an animal

he can't possibly do anything by himself, like an animal. he can only be reckless and thoughtless, like an animal.

animal, animal, animal- he didn't notice how loud his thoughts were and how it overtook his actions. he broke the gift he was making in the middle of it.

he cries about it for hours. and that's the cycle everyday. he tries to make a gift but he ends up breaking it because he gets in over his head, and he cries until he's tired

when he hears you down at the lair, he slides his bo in between the lab's doors. he cages himself inside that room, because, just like you said, he's an animal

Michelangelo

"You don't stop talking, do you, Mikey? Blah blah blah, ugh– you big-mouthed mutant!" You yell at him. You're panting heavily as he stared at you from the other side of the room. Silence.

Oh no.

"Mutant?" Mikey echoes your words, shakily. He had tears in his eyes but he closes them. He shakes his head and grabs a comic book, throwing it in your direction.

"Mikey, wai-"

"No! Get out my room!" His voice cracks in the middle of begging. He keeps throwing the nearest object near him at you, in an effort to push you out the room without touching you. "Get out!" His final cry has you dashing out the lair.

mikey loses all color in his personality after that. he would spend hours and hours at a time on his bed, curling himself up in a ball while crying

he never thought you saw him like that. he thought you were the pepperoni on his pizza, that you paired perfectly together. that's why you got along so well

his brothers try to get him back on his feet by inviting him back into his hobbies, but every time he would try- he'd start crying in the middle of it

because he'd think of how you two would do that activity together, but now all he can think of was that you saw him as a mutant. he's not human, so why is he doing these activities like he was?

whenever you two bump into each other at the lair, he tucks into his shell. he can hear you calling his name, but he doesn't pop out. that would show you more just how inhuman he is, how he's a mutant

mikey is the type to shut you out and refuse to interact with you. after all he's a mutant, and you're a human

what kind of pair is that? the imperfect one, he tells himself as he cries and curls into himself on his bed

[abigail-pent]

Thoughts on rereading NTN for the (idk probably 4th or 5th) time:

- John and Pal each have specific, one-on-one "nobody has the right" conversations with the perspective character. but John's version of "nobody has the right" ends with "to judge you for mass murder" and Pal's ends with "to tell you who to love"

- it's interesting that Pal says Pyrrha was "made to be immune to the blue light" because like... how *did* the Lyctors figure out that their cavs would protect their bodies and were immune to the RBs? maybe Pyrrha said something about this to Pal at some point? idk

- I feel like I somehow missed, before, that Cam and Pal showed the Oversight Body "the secret of the installation" and got the whole Sixth House to move via stele to Ur? Not just the Oversight Body, but the whole House!

- I think Nona is alternately dreaming herself into the pool scene as Harrow (day one) and dreaming herself as Alecto in the Tomb with Anastasia (day two). In the day two dream, she's ravenously hungry, there are red eyes all around (sort of like the glow worms in the Tomb), and she can't tell the difference between her hands and the other person's hands. The only reason I think she dreamed as Harrow the first time is because she said she saw the "picture face" - which is Gideon's face.

- I will never stop being fascinated by Pyrrha's description of how her trial was developed. The only people who practiced "overlapping" (winnowing/transference) in the trial were her and Gideon, and Mercy and Cris, because every time they did it they would need to replace the cavalier's brain fluid.

- I might never be okay again after reading "I don't let go. It's my one thing."

- Corona saying that she'll give Gideon's rapier back if she asks, but otherwise "finders keepers"... hmmm.... ominous

- "the Second House installation" was abandoned 3 months prior to the beginning of NTN

- Crown says her hair is naturally big and manageable

- it's really hitting me this time how happy Camilla is to be with Palamedes, to be Paul, even if it means no longer being herself. she says it to Pyrrha after she's shot and was together in her head with Palamedes for a little while - "it was good. we were happy." Crown says she knows Palamedes is sharing Camilla's body because Camilla is happy. she's a casualty of devotion. it's giving "for I cannot be mine own, nor any thing to any, if I be not thine."

- "you and I don't even own our own souls" 👀👀 (not the first time this has jumped out to me, it's just so portentous!)

- interesting that Nona appears to mispronounce Born in the Morning's name to Hot Sauce, but then when Hot Sauce says it back to her she still hears it as "Born in the Morning."

- I'm not sure I really clocked it before but Hot Sauce is so vehemently anti-BoE ("traitors! fat cats! zombie lovers!") while at the same time being so devoted to Aim. She says that one of Born in the Morning's fathers is active in the group that runs the park cages, and distinguishes that pretty clearly from Blood of Eden. So even though We Suffer says that BoE is a "house with many rooms," the faction running the park cages (which I thought was Unjust Hope and Merv Wing, but maybe not) considers itself outside the house entirely. But even so, they remain loyal to Aim. Or it sort of looks like that, anyway, but then later Hot Sauce refers to Aim as "the asset" who "doesn't have to trust you" - so Hot Sauce thinks she's cultivating Aim as an asset, either for Unjust Hope or for someone totally outside of BoE. But then again, when Nona goes to the generator room where Hot Sauce is locked in, Hot Sauce basically says she didn't realize that Aim had a bodyguard; so I think she's trying to cultivate Aim as an asset for some entity totally outside BoE, without understanding who Aim is or why they are so important to BoE.

- Locked Tomb universe You're Wrong About episode idea: the so-called "cow wall" was not just cows, it was sheep too! but we all memory-holed the sheep! do sheep have best friends? do sheep exhibit mourning behavior for other sheep??

- the person who told Nona "once you've stepped in, you're in. this isn't the hokey pokey" is almost certainly John. it just really sounds like John when he's talking to Harrow in either HTN or the NTN dream sequences.

- Alecto wonders why "anything that hurt them only ever hurt briefly, but anger took such a long time to go away."

- John says it will take him ten thousand years to figure out the math the billionaires used for the FTL. Hmmmmmmm

- Pash's eyes are a "lovely hazelly yellowy-green color". Does that confirm that Wake carries the recessive lipochrome gene? Like I know Gideon's eyes couldn't be that way without it, but Wake either had the gene when she was born or she mutated to have it somehow. I think Pash's eyes suggest the former.

- Nona is dying because Alecto's soul is foreign to Harrow.

- Cam says Corona can't lie to Ianthe. Can't, not won't.

- in the Nine Houses, "fuck marry kill" becomes "marry kill reanimate"!!!!

- First Wake and then We Suffer are both desperate to break into the Locked Tomb. I'm not totally sure why, though. We understand from HTN that Wake is sent by Mercy and Augustine to try to break the Tomb open, but this is long before anybody knows what Alecto is to John. I suppose it's common knowledge in the Houses that the Tomb houses the "death of the emperor", and BoE would know that from all the Lyctors that defect to them over the millennia, so maybe that's it? They want to break in because they know it will make John vulnerable in some sense, but they don't know exactly how, and they don't really have a plan for what comes after?

- Corona telling Pyrrha she doesn't trust her or her motives, because she hasn't thought about her family in the last thousand years... meanwhile Cam and Pal and Nona are her family now... oof ow ouch

- Corona: "Nobody should ever trust me" I'M SORRY???

- Pal says Varun is transmitting something through the light spectrum and that "absorption through the eyes is worst for the brain" and it makes Nona think of something, but we never learn what. It seems to me that whatever it is, is related to the Lyctoral eye swap; but obviously I can't confirm.

- NOT NONA THINKING OF HOT SAUCE WHEN SHE'S TRYING TO WALK LIKE HARROWHARK!!! 😭😭😭

- I hate to admit it but Cassy is dead; but didn't she give instructions to the Sixth House 6000 years ago? What does that do to the timeline of the early Lyctors?

- Nona's scream in the barracks only affected people with necromantic bodies...

- Kiriona carries a rapier (the one John tried to give Harrow?) and an offhand with rivets

- Varun says that Alecto asked for help and he came. So maybe that's it - the RBs aren't chasing John for his own sake, or because he killed them or ate Alecto; they are chasing because Alecto asked for their help to stop him.

- I kind of think John saying he has plans for G--'s arm is a thing from immediately post-Resurrection. Like - except for G--, he has the body of every other member of his inner circle at what becomes the Canaan House facility after the Resurrection. He even has the body of "M--'s nun," although it looks like a pile of wet brown clothes and has not come through the water well. I think he needs their bodies to resurrect them; for G--, he starts with the copy arm and builds him a new body, and that's why it looks so fucked up and Protesilaus-like by the time of HTN.

- I really think John saying "God must be able to touch all of creation" is his real, full motive. The actual trillionaires themselves are long dead. Augustine is right, no one else has to be punished for what happened to humanity. John says he can't forget, but what he can't forget is that his dominion is not absolute. There are places and people that his power cannot touch. That's the real crime. The whole of everywhere isn't submitting to him, and that's what the punishment is for.

- Why doesn't the River want to touch the truck? The River has touched many RBs before, so it's not just that Varun and Alecto are on board.

- "You left them too long, my salt thing" feels like confirmation, to me, that the Tower is filled with the souls of the ten billion - whoever John didn't resurrect, or kept in reserve. We already know that souls in the River are supposed to go mad after a few months; Abigail and Palamedes are each shocked to find how long they've been bubbled in there. Imagine being a soul left in the River for ten thousand years! And then John resurrects some people - so, perhaps bringing their souls back from storage in the Tower, which may be a bubble of his making ("where did all the people go?" Alecto asked, "where have you put them?") - and he sends them to the Ninth, where the tongue things appear very shortly afterwards. I don't think that's a coincidence!

- Nona says she's seen "gray things" before once, and didn't feel up to seeing them again. That has to be from her time as Alecto.

- the chain of a kiss (between Alecto and Anastasia)! the favor of the chain (owed to Ianthe by Harrow)! is this anything????

- there are many, many thesis statements for the Locked Tomb set out in NTN. but I think a really underrated moment is when Gideon yells at Crux: "did you know I was God's child?" like - all the abuse he threw at her would not have been acceptable to throw at a child of God; but aren't we all children of God. it's sort of trite as a statement, but I adore how when Muir gives Gideon this line, it doesn't feel trite at all.

- Alecto finds the River "yet dead." Ten points to Abigail Pent!

[aezuria]

*ੈ✎ be my, be my baby!

—be my baby; the ronettes

content: leo valdez x daughter of aphrodite! reader

╰┈▸ back cover: part I | part II | part III

╰┈▸ warnings: cursing

librarian's annotations: guys i realize this would technically be a twoshot.. ANYWAY yall already KNEW i had to make a part 2 also i had to search up 'villain hand pose' to get the word STEEPLE -the more you know ig

loveloveyn shared a note "mom if ur reading this set me up with yk who I BEG"

you sighed and put down your phone. this was honestly getting embarrassing. you hadn't even had a single conversation with the love of your life! maybe you'll sacrifice an extra nice portion of your breakfast to aphrodite. yeah, that's what you'll do.

you hated to say goodbye to the best part of your maple-syrup drenched pancakes, but it was for the greater good. please give me a real sign mom!! you prayed silently as you scraped the rest of your plate into the fire.

love wastes no time apparently, because as soon as you turned around to walk back to your table, leo stops short in front of you with his plate, the both of you almost bumping into each other. oh my gods. you've never been this close to him before! "uh, sorry." you muttered and walked around him before he could see how embarrassed you were.

'uh, sorry!?' what the hell is wrong with me!? you went back to your table, mortified at your awkwardness. where was your charisma when you needed it!? you put your head in your hands. piper noticed and poked you. "what's up with you? love problems again?"

you stayed stagnant, staring into space. "i think i'm the problem."

alldaladiesluvleo sent a message to: water, fire, air, and frank "BIG RED BUTTON"

jason ran into bunker 9, percy and frank mere steps behind him. "what's going on? what's the emergency?" he leaned against the door, panting. percy was doubled over on his knees, frank not looking much better.

leo swiveled around in his chair and put his elbows on the desk in front of him. his hands a steeple in front of his mouth, making him look like a villain talking to his henchmen. this was probably the most serious he's looked in his life.

"as you all know, everyday i have dedicated my offerings to the goddess of love, hoping to receive a sign to pursue fajita." he paused for the ultimate dramatic effect. "and i have gotten an answer."

the three boys broke out into a flurry of overlapped reactions.

"are you still calling her 'fajita?'" jason raised his eyebrow, focusing too much on the small details. it was a very unconventional codename.

"i love fajitas, and i love her!" leo broke his stoic attitude for a second. "it makes perfect sense!"

frank's tired expression morphed into a very, very, unamused look. "you used the emergency codeword for this?"

"hey! the big red button was absolutely necessary!"

"oh. my. gods," percy gasped, immediately standing up straight. "no way."

leo nodded solemnly, back on his stoicism. "yes way."

jason looked at him skeptically. "are you sure it was a sign sign? or are you just being delusional again?"

the curly-haired boy shot him a look, though not very intimidating. "i am completely sure! i specifically said, 'please make her bump into me as a sign' and guess what happened at breakfast!?" his serious front gave way into an ecstatic smile. "she did! that's the most definite sign i've gotten!"

frank and jason had a silent conversation with each other. wait, that is the most definite sign he's gotten. frank's eyes seemed to say. did her mom finally listen to his begging? jason's eyes responded. percy was too busy jumping for joy and congratulating leo to notice.

the boy in question was jumping along with him, before clearing his throat. "guys. i'm gonna follow her." he pulled out his phone to prove it.

shocked gasps ensue. they all crowd around him, looking over his shoulder as he went to your profile. the bright blue 'follow' button stared back at him, taunting him. he took a deep breath of courage and pressed it. the button smiled and turned into a more forgiving grey of 'requested.'

"i did it." leo looked at his friends in disbelief. "i did it!"

"he did it," jason and percy breathed out.

"you know you still have to wait for her to accept, right?"

"oh, fuck you, frank! you ruined the moment!"

loveloveyn sent a message to: so coquette 🎀🏹🔪 "CODE RED I REPEAT CODE RED"

mere moments after you sent that text, piper came running with hazel and annabeth in tow. they caught sight of you laying in the grass and rushed over. annabeth knelt before you, shaking your shoulder. "y/n!? oh my gods are you dead!?"

you opened your eyes and blinked up at her. "oh hey guys, you're here!"

the blonde was very much not amused. her cheeks were tinted a dusty shade of rose as you were in fact, not dead and she had made a fool out of herself. (it really wasn't that embarrassing, you're okay girl!) "so what's the emergency? i thought we agreed to use that in important situations."

you sat up straight, almost knocking her head in the process. "this is super important. like, the events of my life have aligned perfectly and created this moment. wrench.." you paused, also for dramatic effect. "followed me."

the three of them stared at you, disbelieving.

so, you turned on your phone and went to your instagram notifications. there, at the top, it said:

alldaladiesluvleo requested to follow you. 1m

"oh my gods," they said in unison as they stared at your phone in shock.

"hurry! accept it!" hazel insisted, and shook your arm.

"wait, don't do it right now! give it like, a couple hours," piper shook your other arm.

annabeth stayed silent, probably pondering the pros and cons of both choices. you were quiet too; for an entirely different reason, that being a well-thought out love life of you and leo, reaching all the way into marriage. what type of house should we get? how many kids will we have?

"in fifteen minutes." annabeth finally spoke up, startling you from your nice home life built inside your head. "accept it in fifteen minutes. that way, he won't think you don't like him by waiting hours, but he won't know how desperate you are if you accept right now."

"was that jab really necessary!?" you huffed, but you knew she was right. "alright, fifteen minutes it is." you went to your clock app and set a timer.

"did you seriously just set a timer?" piper asked incredulously.

"how else am i supposed to know when exactly to follow my man!?"

librarian's annotations: THERES GONNA BE A PART 3 I JUST WANTED TO SEPARATE THEM

[netherfeildren]

Someone's Wife in the Boat of Someone's Husband .5

Series Masterlist : Moodboard

(Joel Miller x F!Reader)

Content Warnings: Possessive behavior; Jealousy; Size difference; Size kink; One sad horny old man; Angst!!!! that will continue just FYI no abusing poor little vic for enjoying the suffering of others :) it’s not my fault :)

Rating: Explicit 18+

A/N: peep the cameo!!!!!! :) 

Word Count: 6.1K

Read on AO3

.5

Vanish. Pass into nothingness: the Keats line that frightened her. Fade as the blue nights fade, go as the brightness goes. Go back into the blue. I myself placed her ashes in the wall. I myself saw the cathedral doors locked at six. I know what it is I am now experiencing. I know what the frailty is, I know what the fear is. The fear is not for what is lost. What is lost is already in the wall. What is lost is already behind the locked doors. The fear is for what is still to be lost. You may see nothing still to be lost. Yet there is no day in her life on which I do not see her.

Joan Didion, Blue Nights

Weeks pass after that night in his truck. He calls, many times, but you never answer. And it makes you feel like the worst sort of liar, but you can’t. You can’t hear the sound of his voice, it’ll ruin you, destroy your resolve, force you to your knees at his feet, which is, if you’re being honest, the only place you really want to be. It is, perhaps, the greatest struggle of your entire life, to hold on by the skin of your teeth to this idea you have of what it is he and his marriage should remain as, and what you and he should be and should not be. 

It’s Gerri’s birthday, and Tommy and her sister had decided to throw her a party at her house. Big surgeon money makes for a big fancy house, and Gerri was over the moon, filled with happiness and laughter and that wonderful brand of Gerri specific infectious glee that forces even your miserable, morose self to pull your butt out of bed and get ready to go celebrate her. She knows you’re sad, missing him, even if she doesn’t know it’s him specifically. Although, you suspect she might have an idea of it. 

She’d begged you to come during class at the start of the week, planting her stubborn butt on a stool to stare you down while the rest of your students finished up their work and then put away their materials. Please’s and threats of tears and bodily harm and promises of copious amounts of alcohol, and if you’re feeling up to it, I could even hook you up with someone – an accompanying waggle of her eyebrows. What about a surgeon? My sister knows the perfect, sexy doctor for you. You’d profusely, profusely refused that. You could not even consider another man right now, the idea was almost repulsive to you. As she begged and pleaded and whined, another one of your students had come up, eavesdropping on the pathetic display of supplication, “Come on, teach. Don’t be a sour puss, put her outta her misery, and go to the fucking party with her,” she’d laughed. One of your best students – she had the most gorgeous tattoo on the inside of her forearm of two overlapping ferns with an intricately detailed moth at the head. She’d told you once she’d sketched it herself. You’d rolled your eyes at them, sour puss, my ass. But you knew you had to get out of this hole you’d dug yourself into, and so, their teasing had gotten to you in the end – forced you to agree to the party out of sheer preservation for your reputation. Gerri’d taken to calling you the boring barnacle… yeah, and she’d never stop if you didn’t agree – would probably force all your other students into making fun of you for the rest of the semester, as well. Annoying little shit, it was very aggravating that you loved her so much. 

-

The house is stunning – big surgeon money indeed. All shining glass, sleek wood and modern edges. A huge infinity pool in the backyard, flanked by an impressively sized guest house that Gerri said she and Tommy stayed in sometimes when they got too drunk to drive home. 

There was, after all, a doctor from Andrea’s work waiting for you at their undesired and annoyingly meddlesome behest. He was nice, handsome, boring. Not tall enough, not broad enough, hair blonde and straight and kind of straw-like – no dark, silver streaked curls and deep, warm eyes. He kind of reminds you of a shiny scarecrow, if you’re being honest and not very kind. Not Joel enough. But he was nice, and seemingly interested and he’d gotten you a drink and stayed by your side all night, attentive and polite. 

You feel miserable and made out of plastic. Your smile, fake, forced, terrible. Something has to be done about this. Perhaps, electrotherapy, a lobotomy, an exorcism. Anything to get him out of your head. 

The shiny, blonde scarecrow – doctor – is telling you about his shiny, blonde family and their fancy skiing trips now, and oh, do you ski? No? I bet you’d love it – maybe I can take you one day? Never mind that you’d been born without a single athletic bone in your entire body, when, suddenly, you hear your name being barked, rough and angry, from behind you, and then a large, searing hot palm circling your bicep on one side while his other palm slides along the span of the small of your back to grip you at the bend of your waist. Fuck. 

“Joel–”

“Hi, sweetheart.” He does not look at you as he says it, but his grip on your waist tightens for one second. He’s staring down the shiny scarecrow, murder in his eyes. Oh, that look is very scary. 

“What are you doing here?” He turns the scary look on you at that, and nope, nope, it’s even scarier pointed in your direction.

“Tommy told me you were here.”

“Wh– what? Why would he tell you?” He gives you a pointed look, and you glance at the scarecrow, nervous. “You told Tommy?” you whisper back at Joel. 

Poor doctor man looks at a loss, gaze swinging back and forth between the two of you. “I’m so sorry, can you give us a minute?” you say, embarrassed. He takes one look at Joel’s terrifying face and scampers away.

-

Moron, he thinks, sour gaze following the fucker as he tucks tail and runs. He turns back to you, answering your question, “Didn’t have to, baby. He figured it out on his own. Don’t think we’ve been what one could call discreet if you’re really paying attention.”

You shut your eyes tight, bring up a shaky hand up to rub at the delicate wing of your brow. He desperately wants to smooth out the tiny frown marring the space between your eyes. 

“N– no– but,” you stutter. 

He takes the drink you’re holding out of your hand, takes a sip of it – something sweet and way too strong for your light-weight little butt. “Mm, he get that for you?”

You scrunch your nose up at him, and he knows he’s meant to take it as a sign of your annoyance, but all he can think is that you’re too adorable for your own good. “Wh– I– you overbearing, ridiculous – give that back!” you frown up at him as he holds it out of your reach. He sets the glass on a table behind you.

“Hmm–” His big hands span the width of your waist, can’t help himself, you’re so small compared to him. It makes his cock so hard. “Let me talk to you, please. Let’s go somewhere quiet.” He doesn’t care that he’s not supposed to be here, that he shouldn’t be bothering you, he’s reached the end of his rope. 

“No – go away. It’s– it’s Gerri’s birthday.” You try to wiggle out of his grasp, but he pulls you further into his chest. “I’m supposed to be having fun. She said she’d be mad if I didn’t have fun.” There are already overwhelmed tears in your eyes, and if he wasn’t so fucking desperate to see you, to talk to you after all these weeks of you ignoring him, he’d run away. Far, far away, where he can never make you cry again. 

“Just for a little bit, please,” he whispers into the shell of your ear, causing the little wisps of hair there to flutter. 

You shiver. “Where– where’s Sarah?” You bring your small hand up to clutch at his beard, cup his jaw, and scratch your nails gently down the side of his cheek, and fuck, he’s ready to burst, just with that, even as your other hand feebly tries to push at his chest. He slides a hand low on your back to press your pelvis into his. 

“Baby-sitter.” Hearing you ask after his daughter has that soft spot behind his ribs where you live now, burn and pinch painfully. 

“And–” 

He cuts you off, doesn’t want to hear you talking about her. “Gone for the weekend – work conference.” Not that he believed that.

You open your eyes again, the tears lining your lashes make them almost glow in your skull. He can’t help himself, he bends to press a soft kiss over your eye, feels the whispering, wet flutter of your long lashes against his mouth. You let out a broken mewl for him – full of all your matched wanting. “F– fine. We’ll– we’ll just talk.”

Just talk, just talk, just talk. 

He can feel the pulse of his blood beat through the line of his erection against his thigh. He wraps his hand around yours and starts leading you through the house, spots Tommy at the back of the kitchen, leaning against the counter talking to someone. His brother takes in the two of you together, gives him a subtle nod, inclines his head towards the backyard – the guest house where Joel was headed. Tommy had known, since that day so long ago when Joel had tried to discreetly tag along to the college – hoping to get a glimpse of you, he’d known there was something. Nothing discreet about your half assed excuses, reeked’a desperation, he’d said. His brother wanted him to be happy, to have a good, fulfilling relationship. He’d been telling Joel to get a lawyer for months, had been the first to tell him to not get married. He’d help him now, give the two of you time to sort this out. He knows just how insane Joel had been these past few weeks, like a caged animal, pacing and hissing at not being able to get at you. 

He steps out the back door and pulls you towards the guest house. He’d been here once, months ago, helping Gerri’s sister out with a repair she’d needed. The two of you would have privacy there to talk, for you to finally stop avoiding him. He needs to speak to you, touch you, smell you. He was going out of his goddamn mind thinking about you, dreaming about you. His cock, constantly at half mast and leaking, at all hours of the day, just at your memory. Desperate, that’s what he is, he’s desperate for you. 

“Who was that guy?”

“Who?” Your voice is anxious, breath hitching. He knows you’re twisting yourself up in knots, and he turns to pull you into his arms now, in the privacy of the dark room, lit only by the light of the moon spilling through the large bay windows. 

“The one you were talking to.” He draws his palm slowly up and down the line of your spine, feelings the little bumps and jitters of your trembling form. Skittish little rabbit. He rubs his mouth over the line of your hair, baby soft wisps tickling his nose and mouth. You smell so good, he wants to rub himself all over you like some sort of animal – mark his territory.

“Wh– I– You cannot be serious right now.” You push at him, turn to move away, but he catches you around the bend of your elbow, tugging you back forcefully into his chest. He presses his front along the line of your back, grips your hip to bring your ass into the hard line of his cock. 

“Does this feel serious to you?” He’s hard as stone, throbbing beneath his jeans. 

“Oh God, Joel–”

“Don’t want you talkin’ to other men, thinking about any other men. I know it sounds insane – can’t help it, I’m sorry.”

“I– I don’t think about anyone else but you,” you whimper. 

He wraps his arms around your waist, brings one large hand up to cradle the weight of your breast and squeeze. He can feel the stiff little furl of your nipple through your dress. He feels a little unhinged right now, overwhelmed by the feel and scent of you. “I miss you,” he whispers. “Have you missed me?” He presses a soft kiss to the shell of your ear that has a violent shiver jerking down your vertebrae, you grind your ass harder into him, give him the sweetest little moan. “All I do is think about you.”

“I did, I did– I miss you so much. I wanted to talk to you, I did,” you whimper, “But– but we shouldn’t, Joel,” you say at the same time as your hand comes up and around to twist into the curls at the back of his head. He turns your head with his hand wrapped around your jaw, his entire palm cups around your neck to your cheek, thumb pressing harshly into the corner of your mouth to angle you exactly how he wants you, and then he’s tasting behind your teeth, the wet lick of his tongue into yours sends a bolt of lust straight through him, almost bringing him to his knees. He moans, deep and rumbling into your panting mouth, and your answering keen has the dribble of his precum sliding down his thigh. He needs to be closer, he needs to be inside. Fuck, he’s in danger of coming just from this, just from the sweet taste of you, your little moans, all for him. 

“Did you like that boy? Think he was nice, hmm?”

“Wha– No– no, Joel. I don’t even know him.” Brow scrunching into the most adorable little frown he’s ever seen. You blink your lashes at him, eyes glassy and slightly dazed. 

He snakes his other hand down the front of your dress and under the lace of your panties, cupping the entirety of your mound in his palm. Fuck, you’re soaked and he’s touching you, finally, finally, he’s touching you here. 

“Is all this wet for him or for me?” he says softly, dipping a single finger into your seam, a ghost of a touch over the bud of your clit. Fuck, you’re soft. Soft and swollen and soaking wet. He never wants to see you near another man again, it’s unreasonable, insane, he knows this. But the dilemma of having seen you, tasted you, felt you, but only by half measures, not really having you, well… it sets the stage for insanity. This he cannot help. 

“For you, for you– please, Joel. Just–”

“She’s drooling for me, baby.”

“Don’t be mean,” you cry.

“Will you let me make you feel good, sweet girl? Please, I just want to make you feel good.” He presses wet kisses over your cheek, down your neck to lick into the hollow of your collarbone. Your hips hitch in little grinds trying to gain more purchase against his palm, and he circles your clit slowly. You’re fucking dripping, and he moves down to press over your entrance, gives you the slightest hint of everything else he’d like to give you. 

“Oh, please–” He slides two of his fingers into the last knuckle then, to the hilt. You’re so wet, there’s no resistance at all. Your cunt swallows his fingers whole, and the both of you let out ragged moans in tandem. You’re fucking tight, and he needs to feel you around his cock, he has to. He’ll die if he doesn’t. He’ll die.

“We– we were supposed t– to talk,” you stutter, little cunt grinding down as hard as you can on his thrusting fingers. The wet squelch is deafening and obscene in the quiet of the guest house, and he can almost feel the steam of your lust and embarrassment at the sound rolling off of your skin like heat waves. 

“Yeah, yeah, baby. We’ll talk in a second.” He licks a long wet swipe along the edge of your jaw, bites down harshly, and he can feel the tight clench of your cunt at the small hurt. He pulls his fingers from you, and you let out a protesting mewl, but then he’s spinning you in his arms and kissing you. Something savage and uncontrolled rising up inside of him. He half carries, half drags you down the hall to the bedroom he knows is at the back of the house, pulls the neckline of your dress down to get at your tits, sucking and nipping as much of the soft flesh he can get at. All the previous moments of restraint, of not touching, of just watching, have turned him into this uncontrolled beast. He can feel your little feel dangling off the ground, over his boots. He almost stumbles as you lose one of your sandals, stepping over your shoe, and gripping the back of your thigh to hoist you up higher, grinding you against his length. 

He sets you down on the bed, pushing you back to lay across it as he tugs the soft cups of your bra down to get at your bare tits, sucking one peaked nipple into his mouth and pulling hard on the tip. So fucking beautiful. He swirls his tongue around your softness, kisses the underside of it, nips at the full, round side, switches to give the other one the same attention. You’re whining and crying out for him, almost sobbing. So sensitive, so sensitive – little fingers twisted in his hair to pull him closer, but he’s moving down, pulling away from your searching mouth and lifting the hem of your dress. He bends to bury his face in the soft apex of your thighs and breathes deep – satisfaction, hunger, rumbling through his chest. You smell so fucking good. He sticks his tongue out to lick at your slit over the lace of your soft, pink panties, sweet, little bow adorning the front of them. 

“Hush, lemme kiss your pussy for a little bit,” he soothes, “Don’t cry,” and you’re spreading your legs immediately at that. Good girl. 

He hooks his fingers under the soaking wet center plaque of your panties to pull it aside and drags the flat of his tongue right through your seam. Fuck, fuck. He shuts your legs to rip the fabric down your legs and then rips them open again to get at your cunt. Your back arches, curved tight like a bow string, and you spread your legs wider for him, tug on his hair to urge him closer. He settles between the space you’ve made for him – thinks that he just might like to live here for the rest of his life. He sucks your clit into his mouth and starts to press a single finger inside, giving you something to bear down on.

“God, Joel–” your gasps are wet, on the verge of overwhelmed tears, or already there, perhaps, “Feels so– so good.”

“Taste so fucking good–” He starts to fuck you with his finger, adding another, giving you more to stretch around. You’re so wet, leaking down to pool in his palm, and he focuses on your sensitive little nub, licking and sucking and kissing it, all while he watches the heave and tremble of your breasts, back arched so that you can rock into his ministrations. 

“Oh, I’m– I’m gonna come.” Yes, already, “I’m gonna–” He can feel the ripple and throb of your inner muscles working around his thrusting fingers, he hooks them against the deep, spongy spot at the front of your walls and sucks on your clit. Everything goes tight and liquid inside of you. The rapid flutter of your muscles trying to suck his fingers deeper, as you gush into his mouth, has all the blood rushing from his head to his dick so quickly he feels slightly faint. He licks you through it, gentling the thrust of his fingers but not stopping. Your restless legs shift around him, too much, and then he’s shifting back up to you, a bite to your nipple, a kiss pressed to the underside of your jaw, and he’s pulling you down the bed so your ass is right at the edge and tugging at his zipper, pulling his boxers down to free his aching cock and heavy balls. Fist clenched tight around himself, he jacks it once, twice and then presses the angry, red head to your clit, slides the underside of it through your cleft to feel the heat and wetness. Shit, your skin is scorching hot, soaked, and he can see the slight clench of your hole, begging to be filled. 

“Joel, please I– I want–”

“Fuck – will you let me– will you let me put it in? Just a little bit?” He’s thrusting against the slick red of you, palm pressed against the shaft to create friction on either side. On every pull back his head catches the smallest bit at your entrance, and fuck, fuck, it would be so easy, so good, “Just– just for a second, baby, please? Just the tip?”

“I – I don’t– I–” The head catches more fully, the wide tip of it giving you just the first slight stretch of it. “Oh, please–” Please, please, please. 

He feeds you the first inch – eyes glued to the way your little hole stretches obscenely around his fat girth, “Shit,” he snarls. He fucks you just like that, with just the tip and you try and arch even more, impossible, you’re already pulled tight as an arc, trying to take him deeper, and then your knee is hitching against his hip and pressing him in closer. He slides all the way inside, to the very end of you, in one smooth, devastating go. He feels his tip bump against the mouth of your womb, and your shared moan is pained and ragged. Your fluttering lids springing all the way open, eyes wide, almost shocked. The look shared between the two of you – incredulous, as if neither of you knew – had ever occurred to you – that something in this world could ever feel this good. 

He buries his face in your neck, shuts his eyes tight. Fuck, he’s gonna come, he’s gonna come. Your gasping moans, the lush press of your breasts to his chest, the fluttering of your cunt around him – nothing in all his life has ever felt like this. There’s a pain, deep in his chest, in a place he didn’t even know existed. This is like nothing else that has ever existed in this world. He’ll never be able to let you go after this, never, never. 

He wraps his hand around your throat, tries to settle you. “Don’t– don’t move, don’t make a sound–”

“I can’t– I can’t– You’re so deep.” Your legs kick restlessly around him.

“Baby, shut up, please,” he begs, he cannot come yet, he cannot. This is the first time in over three years he’s been inside of a woman, the first time he’s been inside of you. He cannot ruin it with a happy trigger finger. You’re clawing at his back, gasping and crying for him to move, to fuck you, please, please, please, fuck me. He slides a hand under your butt and lifts you slightly off the bed to bring you closer to him, grinds his cock deep, deep, right at your cervix so that you’re crying for real now. 

“Too much, too much,” you clutch tightly at his bicep, going back and forth between trying to push him away and pull him closer. He can feel the wet press of your tears sliding along his cheek, over his mouth, and he licks his lips to taste them, has his eyes rolling to the back of his head at their saltiness. He hitches you more firmly in his grasp and starts to fuck you. His thrusts, deep and devastating, punching all air, voice, thought out of you, heavy balls slapping wetly against your ass.

“You can take it, you can take it. You can take anything I give you. You’re my pretty, perfect girl,” he grits, pulls himself up so he can stare at the place where you’re taking him, puffy, red cunt stretched obscenely around his slick base. 

“You feel so good– I can’t, I can’t– What are we going to do? What are we going to do? It feels so good.” You’re crying, incoherent, fucked out look in your eyes as you claw at his shirt, little nails scraping over his belly and chest. He grips you under one knee to pull your leg up, hooking your ankle over his shoulder to deepen the angle. You come again, instantly, just at the change, the deepening of the angle, the head of his cock battering savagely against that deep, soft spot inside you.

“Fuck, yeah. Let me feel that cunt get wet, little girl.” Your mewls are high pitched, supplicant, and you gush around him. He feels it soak his pelvis, drip down his balls.

No one’s ever been this deep, nothing’s ever felt like this, you say, over and over again. 

He plants one knee on the bed and hunches over you, ankle still dangling limply over his shoulder and pounds into you. The feel of your cunt rippling around him, sucking him deeper is too much. He wishes he could last longer, feel you come around him again. What if you never let him do this again? What if you never want him again after this? What if it’s just a one time thing? He’ll never get over this, he’ll never be able to move on from this. He can’t hold back, he starts to fill you, hot thick spurts coating your insides, and you moan again at the searing heat of him, right at the mouth of your womb, grinds deep, deeper, as deep as he can, the contractions of your inner muscles pulling him in. He wishes he could crawl beneath your skin, live inside of you, make a home for himself behind the safe cage of your ribs, and he thinks that you’re right, nothing has ever felt like this, nothing will ever feel like this again. 

He’s ruined now. You’ve ruined him

He collapses on top of you, wants to crush you with his heavy weight, meld your chests together so that you’ll have to be with him forever after this. He presses wet, breathless kisses to the vulnerable underside of your jaw, behind your ear where your scent is the most concentrated, breathes you in deeply. You wrap your arms and legs around him, and he can feel the clench of your inner muscles around his softening cock. He hasn’t done this in a long time, he wonders what his refractory period is now, if he’ll be able to go again soon, if you’ll let him. 

“I wanted that so badly,” you whisper, nuzzle your nose into his hair. 

“Me too, sweetheart.” 

“I’m scared.”

“You have nothing to be scared of. I would never hurt you,” he promises because it’s the truth. He’d never do anything to purposely hurt you. 

“I’m scared of what I feel for you,” you say quietly, “I– I don’t–”

He slides his hand under you to press you closer. “I know, sweet girl. Me too.” He angles your head to give himself access to your mouth, starts his kiss out soft and gentle, slotting your full upper lip between both of his to pepper soft little pecks and sucks to it, then tilts his head to get a deeper angle and lick into you. 

You’re completely relaxed beneath him. Soft and warm and wet, entirely pliant. So sweet. It’s one of the things he loves most about you, how sweet you are. Sweet and kind and earnest – tenderhearted. You’re right, in a way, this is something to be afraid of. The things he feels for you – the depth of it, it’s not something he was expecting, not prepared for, but he’s certain there isn’t a way of stopping it now. This is what it is, will go where it was always going to go, from the first moment he saw you, touched you, tasted you. 

“What are we going to do?”

“I want to tell her.” It’s the only truth, the only road he wants to go down. He wants to be with you, he wants this out in the open. “You aren’t a secret to be kept or hidden. You deserve to be cherished out in the open.”

Your tears spill harder at that, “Joel–”

“Baby,” he lifts up slightly to look at you, “This is it.”

You turn to look away and he feels dread coil in his gut. If you pull away from him now he’ll lose his mind. He isn’t prepared for this, he isn’t the type of man who’s ever had to deal with this type of feeling. “I – I don’t think that’s such a good idea. I– I don’t want–”

“You don’t want what?” he brushes a loose strand of hair away from your face, runs the tip of his finger along the arch of your brow, down the slope of your nose. “Tell me what you want, and I’ll give it to you,” he says, because it’s the truth. In this moment, he thinks he’d do anything at all you’d ask of him. Open his very veins for you. You have him speared by the heart, eating out of the palm of your small hand. 

“I don’t want to be the reason your marriage ends,” your brow crumples, “I told you. I– I can’t be. I couldn’t live with that.”

“My marriage never really began to start with. I told you that.” He moves to pull out, both of you groaning softly at the sensitive slide of his cock slipping out of you, the slick gush that follows. He sits back on his heels, grips both of your knees to keep you spread and enjoy the sight of the viscous drip of his spend out of your messy hole. He wants to bend to eat his own come out of you. You’ve turned him into some sort of beast, subjugated to the scent and sound and feel of your body. But instead he turns to sit at the edge of the bed, tucks himself back into his jeans. He leans forward, elbows resting against his spread knees, and drags his palm over his face, rubs the scruff of his beard. He feels you turn to curve around him, your hand snaking up the back of his shirt to press your palm against his hot skin, your knees curling into his lap around his waist. “It was never – it was never– I don’t even know. Never a real marriage, I suppose. Or never something either of us wanted for the right reasons. I – I felt like it was the right thing to do, at the time, for Sarah. I told you this. But– but it was never how it should’ve been. I worry now, sometimes, if we haven’t just done more damage to her, built a foundation that’s so rotten, so broken, that she’ll be able to feel it for the rest of her life.”

“Joel,” you whisper, dragging your fingers softly up and down his back. 

“She was born into a broken home – how can I ever– how can I ever make that up to her?” He turns back to look at you then, “A home where her parents never loved each other – barely even tolerated each other. What is that gonna do to her? What will that teach her about love and relationships?” He grips you around the bend of your knee, anchors himself with the feel of your soft skin beneath his rough palm. 

“I think that, from– from experience, that it will be enough for her to know that she has you, that you love her, that you’ll always be there for her. You’re a good father, Joel. A– a wonderful father. She’s so, so lucky to have you.” And the look in your eyes as you say this to him is so earnest, so sincere and kind that he knows, in that very instant, that he’s falling in love with you, that he is already in love with you. He folds over to press his face into your belly, hug you tight to himself. “Your love for her will teach her what love is supposed to be. Honest, forgiving, patient. She doesn’t need any other example than that. That’s enough for a little girl, trust me.” You drag your nails gently along his scalp. 

He presses a kiss to your belly, another to your still bared breast. He rests his cheek on your chest to look up at you. “Thank you. Thank you for that.” What he really wants to say is, thank you for existing, thank you for finding me, thank you for being magic, thank you for letting me touch you. Please, let me keep even one small piece of you, I’ll take such good care of it for the rest of my life, I promise.

“But you– you can’t tell your wife about this, can’t– can’t leave her for me. That isn’t– that isn’t ever what I wanted, or– or set out to do. I told you why, I explained this to you.” He watches a bright flush flood your cheeks, brow folding into a frown as you stutter out the words. “I don’t want you to do that.”

“What’s left of this marriage is going to end either way. It’s only a matter of time.”

“But not for me. Not because of me, or for you to run straight to me. I can’t– I couldn’t live knowing I’d done that.”

“You haven’t done anything. This was done a long time ago, the foundation was damaged from the start.”

“N– no, still. I can’t.” You shift away from him, sit up to right your clothes. There is a part of you that hums the sounds of uncertainty, he can hear it in your voice, but it is so quiet in the face of everything else. The echo of your screeching guilt and fear so loud, it overwhelms everything else. 

“So, then what? This was just a one time thing? You want nothing more from this? From me?” He spits, hurt. He knows he should be gentle, not get angry, but the thought of you taking yourself away from him now makes panic climb like fire up his chest and throat. 

“I don’t know,” you say quietly, face still turned away from him. “I– I can’t tell you that right now. But I do know that I don’t want you to tell your wife, or to leave her for me.”

“So you think I should stay with her? Even though we’re both miserable. Even though all I want is to be with you. That’s what you want me to do?”

You let out a hoarse, anguished little sound at that, but then: “That’s not for me to say.” Your voice sounds broken, jagged, lacerating. “That isn’t my business,” you say so quietly, almost like you’re afraid to utter the words out loud, know what a lie they are. But he hears it. Loud and clear, like a slap to the face. 

“Not your business?”

“I should get back.” You stand to right your dress, he watches your shaking knees knock together, and he reaches out to catch you if you need him, but you steady yourself on your own. When you finally turn back to look at him, there are tears streaming down your face. In some sick, twisted way, the sight of them is a comfort. They tell him that this isn’t what you really want, that your words hurt you too. In a way, they help him understand you better, as well. You’re trying to do what you think is the right thing, as wrong as it is for all of you involved. “I’m sorry,” you whisper, wringing your hands together. He only nods. You go to clean yourself up in the restroom, shutting the door quietly behind you.

-

When you step back out into the bedroom, he’s already gone, but there’s a glass of water left waiting for you on the bedside table. 

Chapter .6

Netherfeildren's Masterlist

[its-me-jane-lane]

thinking about movies the gang would be into:

quinn is the easiest. i think the early 2000s romcom wave would absolutely floor her. she might even grow closer to daria as she realizes that a lot of them are modern adaptations of classic literature. she’d start reading classic romances and realize she actually enjoys them? definitely seeing her as a fan of clueless, mean girls, ten things i hate about you. also less mainstream, but party girl is so quinn coded. you’d probably have to force her to watch it, but she’d come out the other end as a huge fan.

daria would definitely appreciate a good social commentary, with emphasis on the absurd ones. cronenberg and lynch feel like safe spaces for her to venture, but i can also see her liking pre-codes and ingmar bergman. my gut says videodrome, persona, and the passion of joan of arc.

jane is into the art of the grotesque, but not without some greater narrative purpose. this extends to both beautifully deranged queer films (waters, almodóvar), and violent horror with a heart (creating a minor overlap with daria’s cronenberg roots). pink flamingos, dark habits, the fly.

trent wouldn’t be a big movie guy, but i can see him being into brendan fraser’s comedy era, with emphasis on airheads and monkeybone. maybe also encino man.

jodie not only cares a lot about her identity as a black woman, but like daria, she’d love a good social commentary. i can see her having a deep connection with set it off, though her favorite director would ultimately be spike lee. do the right thing is 100% in her top four. her and daria’s idea of a good social commentary can differ, but they get along a lot in their overlap. she does, however, occasionally fall for the charm of a bad rom/com/dram, she’d just never admit it out loud. she’s shown mack plenty he could blackmail her with though, if he ever wanted to.

he won’t though. mack doesn’t mind, as he ends up liking them too, but he’d love a comedic or underdog sports story. i unfortunately don’t know enough of those to give specifics on that, though. maybe white men can’t jump?

kevin and brittany watch kids movies but this isn’t a bad thing. it’s (implied) canon that kevin likes (the daria equivalent of) the muppets, so those are his go-to films. he loves the celebrity cameos, but doesn’t know their names, so he goes, “that’s that guy from that thing, or whatever!” i think brittany would like the animated barbie movies (and actually secretly understand the deeper themes in the later canon)!

[sysmedsaresexist]

Personally, as an OSDD system who's anti-endo, I think I'd be much more okay with endos if they'd separate themselves from CDDs, if they'd just use different language and claimed to be their own thing instead of saying their experiences are "just like ours", I wouldn't have a single problem with them at all, and I've seen a TON of other anti-endos share this sentiment, but I'm curious about what your take on it is.

/i think this post comes across a bit more negatively than I intended but I'm not sure how or why or what to fix. My tone isn't directly at you or anyone in particular, I'm just sort of rambling to myself. Anyone is free to discuss on this post, bring up other terms, or just ramble about your own thoughts.

I completely agree. I'm pretty open about that, and I've had several interesting conversations since I changed stances.

It's not necessarily an anti endo only stance. You can be pro endogenic and anti shared spaces/language.

CDDs = childhood trauma disorders

Endogenic systems = something else that can still be real and valid

The English language = surprisingly limited

I would love if there was a better divide in language, but I don't see it happening, so the best I can do is focus on CDD education. As young people move into system spaces, it's important that there be accurate info on CDDs in any system space, including inclusive plural spaces. You're not getting resources into those communities unless you're willing to talk to them.

But let's talk about language and the words we use.

I think the polls a couple posts down speak for themselves-- endogenic systems are moving towards plural language. Most prefer to be called plural over system.

Problem solved.

Now we can deal with internal family systems, computer systems, and the justice system coopting "system" for their own use 😤 /hj

As for alter, again, plurals would really rather not be called that. You'd offend most if you did.

System hopping was never ours, the proof is archived for everyone to see.

Everyone on this planet dissociates to some degree, and CDDs aren't the only dissociative disorders, so we don't own that.

Introjection is a general concept in psychology that everyone does.

What language are we fighting over?

And if it's just "system" why aren't we more angry about IFS and multiple selves theory? IFS directly compares itself to DID, and I consider their description of DID to be inaccurate. More people and clinicians know about IFS than plurality. Let's go be mad about that.

I've yet to meet an endo who says their experience is just like mine, and I've talked to a lot. At least ten, probably (I'm probably one of the most blocked accounts on system Twitter). Search my tag #shit endos say and bask in the glory of the most wonderful bullshit you've ever read. Several hundred posts, and I think I've only seen it happen like twice? I don't say that proudly anymore, but the posts are still up because we still laugh at misinformation here. It happens, I'm not saying it doesn't happen, but I think proper education might be best the route to go to avoid overlap.

From someone who's been in this way too long, the problem isn't as big as it seems, I promise. Doctors are well aware of the difference, no one is being tricked, the articles are real and valid, and incomparable to CDDs. They just released an article about how Christians can hear God as a separate stream of consciousness, and they tested tulpas at the same time. Give it another year, the article will be out eventually.

Anti endo is a dying stance, but we can still prioritize CDD content. And hopefully it helps someone who sees it.

But they're not going to see it if I'm anti endo, or if I can't hold a decent conversation and question their self perception every chance I get. Medical autonomy is real, even if it can be frustrating.

Google multiple selves theory and see just how long this has actually been a thing people have experienced. Look outside of psychology and into theories of consciousness, philosophy, and anthropology.

Don't limit yourself to learning only one thing.

[painted-bees]

I love it when you dive into the psyche stuff with Margie and Raf. I swear I learn something new about myself every time I read a post about them. It's nice that they're both very patient and supportive with each other and that their struggles overlap in a way that grants them more empathy than they might have had otherwise. That said I'm curious to know how they clash, if at all. Does either of them have symptoms that triggers or exasperates the other's symptoms? How do they manage it?

that makes me so happy, thank you ; 0; <3

aaa so, chiefly, the relationship between these two is built on a pretty fundamental feature of "'winning' a situation/conflict is not more important than my partner's well being"--In that, like, they're both very proactive in looking at their situation and assessing if they're responsible for aggravating the situation/provoking a response, and to what extent. So typically, once they realize a situation has gotten away on them, they're both able to take a pause and even physically separate for a hot moment if need be--and then try and figure out what happened, what can be done, and apologize in earnest for any misinterpretation or disproportionate responses, etc. It's usually both of them apologizing to each other after identifying out loud out their own missteps/contributions, and it's usually fine. So a 'big' emotionally charged conflict between them might last like...an hour at most before before it deescalates into more co-operative conversation. Because neither of them want to "win" the fight, they just wanna not be mad at each other and see the other person comfortable--which requires understanding why they're mad rather than leveraging the other's angry response as against them, etc.

Funnily enough, this kind of...conflict resolution style wasn't Raf's initiative (he tends to be a lot more reticent to admit wrongdoing and apologize, lest it be used against him...and he's got a really bad habit of tallying up transgressions in his head and letting those grudges inform him on how much leeway he's willing to give someone before he decides they're straight-up unlikable)--but rather, it's always been Margie's way of negotiating conflict. Probably because she grew up with a very autistic brother, and being able to step away/leave the situation, calm down, and then reconvene to communicate their exact feelings and what provoked those feelings (in a weirdly dispassionate/objective manner of collaborative analysis) was a pretty critical part of her good relationship with him--a solution that evolved organically between them. And, since it worked so well with her brother (and frequently with her parents as well, wherein she'd often be applauded for her show of 'emotional maturity' or whatever lmao), she tries to employ this method with everyone close to her. It doesn't always work out... Earlier in her relationship with Raf, she'd always be first to apologize for provoking certain reactions out of him. As well, she just...never gets angry in response to someone being angry with her. She's also maybe a little too quick to apologize sometimes, which initially would have rubbed Raf the wrong way as being kinda manipulative/insincere (which, it kind of is...but not in a manner employed to gain any kind of upper hand over him)--to which he would deliberately avoid apologizing in response. He'd drop it instead, and act like nothing was wrong in the first place...which (whether consciously or not) is a manipulation tactic of his own, designed to provoke some variation of a "well wait, you were wrong and you need to give me apology" response from her. Which, of course, never came lmao. If Raf says "whatever, it's fine", unless she is also frustrated with herself, she'll take his word at face value. (the same way she does for everyone). Eventually, this leads him to to carefully admit when he feels his reactions are disproportionate. And, after while of that consistently leading to no further aggravation, his short hand to her "Sorry, I didn't mean to/I didn't mean it like that!" becomes a simple "I know. Sorry I barked at you." The gradual comfort of being 'wrong' in those very tiny, low-stake situations is what gives him the confidence to risk admitting he may be "wrong" in bigger conflicts. If, at any point--even once, Margie had taken this vulnerability and wielded it against him in any situation, he'd never let himself 'fall for it' again. But that's yet to happen. Still, it feels disproportionately risky for him to admit out loud, in earnest, that he had any part to play in a misunderstanding or in the construction of a bad situation--Like turning your back on an enemy who is poised to stab you with a knife.

Raf generally tends to be agreeable in most situations, he's a well practiced diplomat despite his disordered outlook and interpretations of things. But--he is stubbornly unapologetic. He'll drop the topic, insist it's no big deal to him anyway, tell you it's fine, to never mind, do what you want, etc. But he won't tell you it's 'his bad' or that he's sorry about anything. And if you don't meet him where's he's at with that then, in his mind, you've become The Problem. Forever. However, his care for Margie and her wellbeing bolsters his conscious efforts to treat her well, even at risk to himself. He'd rather end up in a situation where she's proven to him beyond a shadow of doubt that she never really cared about him and has been using him this whole time--than end up in a situation where he becomes a traumatic ex; someone that hurts her to think about. Therapy helped him determine that, at least in this situation, misplacing his trust is marginally less injurious to him than misplacing his suspicions. But sometimes, it takes him a hot moment to remember this and respond accordingly. Sometimes, it takes him more than a hot moment. Margie's there when he does come around to it though. She has her clear lines in the sand and--though I don't doubt that he's come close in his most fearful moments--he's never crossed them. With that said, yeah--I dunno LOL Raf is clinically predisposed to believe that he is being taken advantage of, or that he will be taken advantage of by anyone, at any given time. Margie can become pretty careless when she is very enthusiastic/eager for something, and her forward momentum does sometimes steamroll right over his toes. It can be more than a little challenging for Raf to stay grounded and respond reasonably when Margie lets excited desire drive her blindly forward at mach speeds when he feels like he's being dragged behind her. Other times, she'll try to dig into why he responded a certain way before he's had time to process and compartmentalize it for himself, all because she feels badly and wants to figure things out with him so that they can both feel better about it. He's learned that this is easily resolved with a terse "I love you, but holy shit, give me some fucking space, please." Which--usually warrants its own apology but, yanno...she gets it. Margie can be very "go go go, this is exciting, this is so fun, this is all that matters right now!! Oof--ow, shit, I hit something, was that a speed bump??" and Raf is often very "wait, what? Wait what!? Wait, that's all that matters?! Wait, what??? Hit the fucking breaks, that speed bump was me and now I am fucking dying." and that's usually where most of their conflict/clashing occurs. Margie will feel disproportionately ashamed/embarrassed/rejected, Raf will feel disproportionately slighted/put upon/mistreated. And if they didn't agree to talk to each other about it, with a shared, genuine desire to see each other in a state of comfort, their relationship probably couldn't thrive.

[firefly--bright]

come january. (2)

jean kirstein x fem!reader, modern au. part two of this fic.

summary ; to love someone is to know someone, fully, wholly, and jean fulfills this, wholly, knowingly.

warnings ; badly written smut, MDNI. ive never written smut before so its probably going to be bad. please tread carefully. literally the most vanilla sex u can ever imagine. too wordy.

a/n ; as said before ive never done this before and i really dont think writing smut is my forte with my writing style? but. i've had ideas and i just wanted to explore the idea of writing it. as practice. or wtv. so if you dont like it pls feel free to not interact at all OR leave a constructive criticism in my askbox/messages.

taglist ; @holding-infinity-and-a-book , @mrsnobodynobody , @hopeless-anti-romantic , @jeanscremebrulee , @berrijam , @happxme , @cherrypieyourface , @imgayandshesanime , @moonmalice , @kivernova , @potaho3frog , @xakilicious , @katestrophes , @gojo-ana , @ppushable

again, MDNI. any and all minors who interact with this post will be blocked! this is a direct part two of this post, so reading it within context would be better :D

masterlist is in pinned post! ✿ enter my taglist! ✿

middle tile art creda to @yuka-levi on twt!

Everything happens. Universes are created, ended, made again. Strings – thick, usually unbreaking and strong, snap apart when his lips are on yours and you lose everything you ever thought you might had in him. And it belongs there, you think, because it feels right.

You pull apart, breaths heavy, hearts lighter, burrowed in each other's chests so deeply that it would take a skilled surgeon to replace them again. Your smile is still present on your face, gentle, whole, and your smile makes him smile even if his eyes are closed. There's a distance pop followed by a big bright flash of beautiful golden and you open your eyes, turning to the source. Fireworks. Another one, farther away, flashes out in all its glory, looking like the birth of a star. Jean’s head rests on your shoulder, his hands cupping your cheek, not taking his eyes away from you, watching the light dance on your features, lighting the tip of your nose and side of your cheek, kissing the corner where your ear meets your jaw because he finally can. Because he wants to, because he finds himself present there, with you and against you.

You inhale as his kisses spread further down your neck, your heart beating with the numerous fireworks in the sky only for you to realise that the new year was here and he was by your side, on your side just as he was supposed to be. You turned and his kisses trailed to the apple of your cheeks, to where your smile met your eyes.

“jean.” You said, your voice overlapping the boom of the firework, and jean hummed, his lips resting on your forehead, unmoving and you could feel his own soft smile on your skin. His hands cup your jaw, and yours lay on his cheek, guiding his eyes to meet yours again.

“happy new year.” You say, and he swallows the sound of your voice, proving your existence to be heard and seen. “happy new year.” He echoes, proving his own life, breathing it into you. “I love you.” your smile turns softer. You echo back, “I love you too, jean.” You thumb rests on his cheek, his eyes fluttering close, brows furrowing slightly, his breath on yours, and he thinks about how his name has always been yours to say, thinking briefly about changing his name so that no one but you could say it, utter himself into his being.

But he doesn’t because you’ll have him as he is, and his lips are on yours again because he wants to taste how it feels like to be. You lean back with the force of his lips, humming shortly into him, goosebumps covering your skin as his hand grazes over your thigh, keeping you in your reality, locking you into a promise, into a routine that he wouldn’t change. You loose focus, his eyelashes feel nice against yours, his hands feel warm on you, his hair feels so soft under your hands and he feels twice more real than anything ever has and ever could. He kisses you with soft force, wanting you to know that you still have choice, but knowing you’d choose him. Over and over again.

His tongue mingles with yours, no hesitance behind his teeth, nothing that could make him reluctant. Second nature. Muscle memory. You allow him just the same, a small noise escaping your throat not in disagreement but with just the opposite. His hand leaves your thigh to support you as you lean further back, unable to hold yourself up for longer. You pull back, his lips still following your every move.

“we should- we...inside?” you ask, loosing coherence, but jean catches the meaning you throw away so easily. He nods against yours, and you feel your noses bump.

climbing down is muscle memory. Second nature. Routine, whatever you want to call it, but the moonlight at hushed words that were exchanged made it become more of a shrine of itself that it really was. Like always, like all the times before this one where you were less hidden but also less seen, jean helps you down. you climb with your feelings in your throat, your love spilling everywhere you'd touch, which makes you grab his hand with even more fervor as he helps you down, slipping in the room from the ledge.

Sitting on the edge of the bed of the spare guest room, you catch your breath. Jean stands near the window, supporting himself on it after closing it, trying keeping his own breath controlled, enjoying the view. He cant stop the smile that seems to now find his home on his lips without care. He’d get your lips tattooed on the inside of his ribs if he, carve your name that was always meant to be his into his bones so in the future, after being buried next to you, they’d be in a museum for people to connect the dots themselves.

Seconds pass. They feel like hours, and he leaves his spot on the window, kneeling infront of you, placing one hand beside you and one on your knee, travelling up slowly, finding god in the way your expression shifted so easily and openly infront of him, your breath hitching, leaning down to capture his lips again. Its different this time, if only a little, because the gentle warmth had progressed into a proper temperature, you think, as you rest your hand on the junction between his neck and his shoulder, your other one drawing soft shapes into his back despite the weight of the kiss. His tongue was on yours again, stealing all the words you thought you could speak but giving them their home anyway. Gasping as he pulled away, all control is left to be picked up by the wind as he leans over you, pressing himself onto you, your back hitting the soft mattress gently, his lips touching every part of you that was exposed, kissing the lines of your collarbones, every vein and muscle that was hidden, ashamed under your skin igniting with colours that you didn’t know existed. “jean,”

He hummed on your skin again, his voice cracking. He supported his weight on his arm that held itself next to your head, his eyes closed into you, feeling your own hands everywhere on himself, warmth spreading across his body. His hand lifts your leg up, his hand moving upward, feeling the rest of your body, the parts you hadn’t shown.

“jean, wait-“ you say. He pulls apart instantly, concern clouding his features as he peers at you, his lips still close to yours. speaking takes a lot of control, something you try to seize after everything he’s done to make you forget it exists, “the door.” You mutter, your hand on his jaw. He pauses, glancing at the lock that was left open before, and nods reluctantly. He doesn’t want to let go, and you agree, and you’re sure he knows it because your hand is still in his hair as he gets up. You do, too, opting to use the time to pull the zipper of your dress down.

If this was someone else – not that you’d want it to be – you’d have preferred to be more lost in the moment, but this was jean. Your jean, where every moment spent with him was spent lost within it. So you’d take your time because you had it. He wasn’t going anywhere – this was routine. Second nature, and jean turned back around from locking the door, breathing in to calm himself down again despite knowing that his breath was going to quicken, and it did. Or maybe he just lost all of it. All his thoughts stilled, only one ringing out in his ears along with his fastening heartrate, his cheeks red.

You're beautiful. With your clothes now pulled away, leaving you with your undergarments and the dim but present light shrouding your figure, lighting your hair, a small smile playing on your face.

You're beautiful. not that you weren't before but this - closest to divinity, closest to himself. Matching your state, jean decides to join you by removing his vest and the shirt that was underneath all in one swipe, while still taking long strides towards where you sat. his lips found yours as if they had never left, resuming your positions. Your hands find themselves undoing his belt as he presses kisses – soft, beautiful, full of words he couldn’t spell out – unclasping the hook of your bra with one hand, his own hands going down your back, tracing your spine that arched slightly, covered in goosebumps. Not because of the cold but because of how warm his touch was, because you were sure no-one had come close to the amount of softness that he held towards you. his lips were the complete opposite, his kisses fleeting but solid, sloppy but definite, sure of himself, of the fact that he wanted this – you. just you. everything with you.

He pulls away again and you suppress a whine, but he doesn’t go far – just enough to remove his trousers comfortably, throwing them somewhere on the floor along with the rest of his belongings. He doesn’t need them anymore because he has you and he belongs here, with you, more than he belongs with anything else he attaches himself with. Your pupils are blown wide and he sees the admiration in them, smirking when he catches you looking at him, your eyes going over every part of him without so much as an ounce of shame, unabashedly, maybe even a little proud.

He looks like god. His chest, well built moves up and down rapidly, his forearms outlining his veins, the slant of his chest that connected to his shoulders looked the closest to belonging you had ever felt. You shuddered as your eyes went even further down, taking in the contour of his dick, the fabric pulled taught, snapping your eyes to his again. And there lay your favorite view, even after seeing almost everything he had offered with simple actions and simpler existence, his eyes were always your favorite part – lit up but gauging your reaction, glazed over with everything he wanted.

“like what you see, beautiful?” he asks, leaning forward again, hovering over you with the same smile. your knees locked against either side of his waist, and you pull him in by the back of his neck to shut him up. “need what I see.” you whispered, your lips spelling it out on his own. He lifted your thigh, giving in.

his hands are everywhere. They're all your know, you're sure your skin could remember every callus and scar on them because of it. One settles on your hip, finally, the other still taking its time roaming on you, claiming its place near your upper thigh. His thumb his feather light, shadowy, whispering against the hem of your underwear, making you gasp. There's a spark in you that threatens to grow into something more, and you don’t know where to put your own hands. One circles his neck, playing with the ends of his hair – something that makes him stutter his movements. Your other hand, however, has plans of its own, carrying itself over to the waistband of his trunks, sliding further down, grazing the outline you had studied before. He grunts next to your ear. He licks his lips, his voice husky when he whispers into your ear, “god, you’re so beautiful.”

Not giving you a chance to reply if you even had one ready, he melts you into putty, his warm lips circling your nipple. Your strings are fraying, and his hand that had been resting on your hips is on your waist now, and you feel your voice calling out to him, pleading.

The spark grows, a knot forming in your core, “want- please, jean-“

“im yours, love.” He rasps, his tongue swirling around, making you gasp. You cupped your hand where it was, his size making another round of shivers run down your spine, his whimper on your breast, your skin soaking every sound as if it would save you from further decomposition, pulling the hem of his underwear down, feeling the size of his cock against you now. The spark evolves itself into something greater and you moan, his hand pushing your underwear aside. Whatever the spark was is now long gone, increasing its size into a fire, consuming your body, making your skin feel hot. He calls out your name, strained, gentle.

Your heart beating was probably the only proof of you being in this moment; the rest of your being had been fully consumed by jean, his lips sucking your neck, feeling your pulse in his mouth, trying with all his might to not give you everything he had, even if he was sure you already had it, drawn out and in front of him. He pulled you closer to him, your thighs hooked around his waist so you could feel him, and he could feel you, ready and wanting and waiting, your whimpers reaching his ears, settling in his chest, making him move, his muscles rippling with effort, all of which you could feel under your trembling fingers, gripping his shoulders with force as he pushed himself into you, filling you completely, slowly, wholly.  

Everything opened. Sounds felt a little like they were underwater, and it took you a while to accommodate him, his hips grazing yours, and he was saying something. You exhaled shakily and everything closed again, and you could hear him clearly now, his voice the only thing that could guide you.

“feels..so good, sweetheart-“ he says, his tone being something you hadn’t heard from him before. you like it, enjoy it more than the moment youre caught up against. His voice slinks against your body, deep and uncontrolled because it was with you and for you, his lips nest to the cup of your ear making sure you could feel each syllable at its peaks and lows. “tu es fait pour moi, mon amour.” He rasps. You don’t know what he means, but you can feel it with the way his hands circle your clit. It feels like he’s worshipping you – every part of you being looked at gently, just as you were supposed to, and he feels like prayer to you because his name is the only thing you know how to speak. You repeat it with your eyes fluttering closed, feeling the fire turning, meeting something new.

Your mouth only sings of him. Its muscle memory as he pushes inside you again, guiding your thigh delicately and you want to burrow yourself into him, let him sink into you like he’s doing for the rest of how much ever youre allowed to have. The flame heats you up from the inside, spreading across every part of your body once again and if you’ve felt like this before, this overtakes. You don’t know what to call it – feelings and words other than the moment feel far away and untouched.

you hardly have the time to ask him what it means, lost in the way he feels. Spark. Flame? Youre not sure what it is, hardly sure of what you are either, he’s pushing in you now, grunting softly beside your ear, and whatever that was is growing now, fast. “god, love-“ “jean,” the two of you say at the same time, his voice sending shivers down your warm spine, everything is spinning. This feeling isn’t routine, isn’t something you’ve ever felt before but you welcome it as if it was a part of your own body. He pushes in again, everything builds up and crumbles at the same time. Thoughts are broken, sentences are just strings of words and he fills you, fully. Again. Tightening, beauty that comes close to discomfort only if it weren’t with him. It feels right.

he says your name breathily, his voice strained like he’s been thinking about saying it for a longer time than this. “I’m g’nna.. oh,” he says, and his voice is the only thing that you can hold onto beside himself, your hand gripping his hair while the other one roamed in the limited space between his shoulder and toned arms, nails scratch, and scratching his skin just enough to leave light, red marks, that matched the blush on his cheeks. “can i- sh…uh,” he says, making you blink him into focus, a tear rolling down your cheek. Your heart squeezes when his face becomes clearer, his brows knit tight. “I’m sorry,” he says, barely a whisper, only the proof of one. You shake your head gently, your hand freeing itself from his hair and resting on his cheek, thumbing the tear away. “jean… it’s okay, love.” “im, I just… never felt this before?” he explains, or tries to at least, grasping onto the only meaning he could find – you. his hand clasping your thigh. His hand near your head, strands of your hair under his thumb. He breathes, ribs turning putty, heart molding itself around your hand, creating a cast. That’s where it belongs, he thinks. “I know. I haven’t either.” You confirm. Theres two of you now, worlds apart from where everyone else would be, and he looks at you, your eyes holding that sheen on them, cheeks stretched with a small smile and thinks about how unbroken the moment was. No space between your bodies, comfortable unpredictability. His bones hum with familiarity, being this close to you - sending something close to electricity but far more close to divinity into his heart. He nods, kissing the corner of your mouth. Then your jaw. Then your forehead.

“don’t hold back.” You tell him, unafraid. He nods, heart spurring.

Warmth, heat, spreading across your body and he goes a little faster, and you feel him everywhere, deeply, and your noises are only controlled by the barrier of your lips being bit by your teeth, something jean impossible notices, oulling your chin gently by his thumb. “don’t hold back on me either,” he’s so close to you.

So close. Your grip on his shoulder tightens, leaving a mark, his name leaving your mouth, freeing itself from wherever it was within you as if it was a part of you. he says your name just the same, his voice carrying out in the confines of the room, striking a chord only you can hear, only meant for you to understand. Your name has never felt like yours until he’s said it, like this, your back lifting, stomach touching his, and you feel the world collapsing, building. Flame turned into fire turned into smoke, your body shaking, sounds coming from your mouth merging with his and it stays there, unbroken, devouring, overwhelming. He’s out of you in what feeling like an instant but youre sure is slow, caring but time doesn’t make sense to you. the sheets under your legs are soaked, your muscles aching comfortably, unpredictably.

Your chest heaves, up and down, as does his, almost in sync. His strength sways as his body almost collapses onto yours, devouring, overwhelming, the scent of his rundown cologne and sweat and shampoo mixing into yours. devouring, overwhelming.

His lips are on your collarbone. You laugh with the little strength you have and jean drinks it up, a smile etching itself on his pink lips, his skin red. “we should.. do that more often.” You say. Your eyes closed, hand in his hair and he hums, nodding his head slightly, something you feel.

and this continues, becoming more than just a moment in your life, increasing itself into something that becomes your being. His knee bent, getting comfortable, and your thigh rests on his own, feeling his muscles underneath yours, skin to skin. It feels akin to holiness, but gods don’t have skin like you and jean. That’s their curse, you think, because you’d want to be human just to feel something like this again, no space between the two of you, legs entangled, warm, devouring, overwhelming, comfortable. If this was a new routine, you’d appreciate it for all the times to come.

His hand is pinned under your back and he lifts his head from your shoulder, resting It near your head, hair escaping and spilling next to yours. all of your parts meeting his. His eyes look at yours and you want to consume the look in them, something you wish was possible, but then he speaks and you think it is possible because his tone is the same as the way he looks at you – soft. Warm. Shining. “this may be the post nut clarity talking, but you’re everything I’ve ever wanted. Everything that was right in front of me.”

Oh. Okay. He's saying what he wants to say, out of control, chest beating unexpectedly in control. A confession like this, under normal circumstances, would’ve been around in his head for about a week before actually having the bravery to speak it into existence, make it known. But with the prior fact already known – because it was you, of course you’d know – it was easy to say, and with that logic, everything became easy with you. not untethered but the exact opposite, everything was easy because it was connected and all of everything lead to you. always did. You breathe out shakily.

You kiss the crease between his brows, soothing it permanently, easing his features. You’ve never been good with words. When morning (or better yet, judging by how everything played out right now and how late it was, late afternoon) rolled around, jean was sure to have either a bouquet of flowers or an inexpensive gift with a full-fledged letter sitting on his desk, waiting for him in compensation. Either the letter or a text, you weren’t sure, the plan formulating in your head ass he breathed beside you, his breath fanning the side of your face.

you turn your face to his, opening your eyes again, looking into his. “if I told all of this to last year-me, I would’ve never believed it,”

He smirks. “cant believe you bagged the jean kirstein?” you scoff. “I hated your guts, I would’ve thrown up and asked myself what present-me was even thinking getting with that jean guy.” “oh,” he says, softly, his smirk slipping off his face comically. You laugh a little, shifting to your side to rest comfortably. His body shifts with yours, his hand now on the slight dip of your waist, thumb brushing your stomach.

“but present-me would tell her that I think… youre the most passionate and brave person I’ve ever met. And you make me laugh.” “its no that hard, y’know-“ “just take the compliment.” “yes ma’am.” He says, smiling drowsily, blinking slowly. You could capture his mouth in a kiss right now but you preferred to have it in front of your eyes instead of your lips. For now, of course. The promise of being able to see the same face with the same smile would mean you could kiss his lips and feel his mouth all over again, hundreds of times, like a beautiful predictability. Routine. He clears his throat. “thank you.” he says. You hum, gently, jean feels the vibrations of your voice against the thrum of his heart. He keeps it there.

“what… what else would you tell your past-self about… about that jean guy?” he asks, mainly to hear your voice again, under the guise of forgetting it every time you don’t speak, but really, its because he needs your voice to build the rope that he balances on. His hand reaches your cheek, feeling your words fully. You hum under his touch, thinking. “id tell her that… that jean guy is fucking annoying-“ “name one time ive annoyed you-“ “and pretentious.” “I have never once-“ “d’you remember when we went to that art gallery and you said that you 'loved how the elements juxtaposed each other'?” “…yeah.” “I thought you were just trying to sound smart.” “…I was.” You giggle at his admission. His ears tinge red, unseen because of the dark but not unknown because youre here.

“but I’d tell past-me that that same jean guy also held me when I needed it without asking. Made me laugh when I needed it without asking.” Theres a beat of silence. Jean breathes in, consuming your entirety, and youre okay with it. “that… this jean guy thought that past-me hated him because he was a dick.”

“yeah, I did,” he breathes out a laugh, continuing, “but then he – I – grew used to you. grew to like you. grew because and with you. and now present-me knows that present-you is resilient and patient and stubborn enough to stick with me.” “yeah, I should get an award for that.” “yeah, yeah, I’ll get you one.” He says, pulling you in closer with his arms, burrowing your face in his neck.

The moment would be unbroken. Even if the two of you had gotten up, reluctantly, after a while, under the bursting of fireworks, jean cleaned you up and helped you slip into your clothes again, fixing your appearance best you could. The moment remained unbroken as he held your hand, kissing your knuckles when you reached downstairs, catching sasha dancing with nicolo, connie on the table, marco trying to pry him down but not really wanting it to end, eren hyping him up. mikasa was somewhere behind him, with a small smile on her face as she glanced at you and jean’s interlocked fingers. The moment went unbroken even after the night ended, everyone hungover and piled on the floor of you and sasha’s shared living room even though the latter wasn’t even in her own home (she later texted you, extensively, about what happened with her and nicolo),  and jean woke up with a one page (front and back. You tried to keep it under the set word limit in your head but couldn’t) letter and a singular flower (you couldn’t afford to splurge until after your paycheck arrived). The moment remained unbroken even ass connie groaned about his hurting head and jean made fun of him for the same fact, marco glancing between the space – or lack of it – between the two of you as jean stood with an arm around your waist (something he later revealed he was panicking about in, his own words, “I didn’t even think much of it, I just sorta, did it, y’know,” but his eyes wouldn’t look directly at yours and the tips of his ears were red, a telltale lie).

The moment remained unbroken. It always would. Details kept safe, sound, intact, even while you retold it to your closest friends after only some pestering. Even after jean mulled over it on the most important day of his life, playing with his ring, adjusting his suit.

The moment, all the words and anatomy of it, remained unbroken. Beautiful. Holy.

✿

< previous

[iwritebigbellies-blog]

Same anon who asked about causes here. If I ever send another ask, I'll probably end it with -O. I feel SEEN, oh my god. I fully teared up reading your response. I think there's a special sort of loneliness that comes from growing up with a "rare" form of kink/fetish/paraphillia. I only recently (as in, a couple of months ago) started embracing mine instead of trying to push it away, and it's been, um, a journey. I've spent the last few months alternating between the depression of "I'm stuck with this and there's no cure" and the isolation of "Even people who are into this aren't usually into it like I am." Your post singlehandedly managed to make me feel a LOT better about everything, so, thank you <3 Funny how simply knowing that you're not alone can make a situation seem so much less bleak. -O

I'd normally take this to DMs, but anon asks are what they are. 😅 Sorry...

I just wanna give you/readers/myself a little pep talk about... well, the whole thing where you feel hopelessly fucked up and alone when you have a niche fetish.

I have known I am like this for decades. I figured myself out around age 14 and by the time I was living with my first bf at 17 I knew that stuffing was the only thing that genuinely turned me on.

That didn't stop me from trying to brute force myself through "vanilla" relationships. I explained to my partners (four of them, back to back, over twenty years) about this kink, but I hadn't accepted that this was my only button. I still thought that maybe if I tried hard enough, or pretended, or got therapy, or watched porn, that SOMETHING else might work. And when it didn't, I either retreated into shame and guilt, thinking I was too broken for relationships, or I forced myself to have sex anyway, even when I was completely unaroused and uninterested.

Most of my exes tried. They even kinda enjoyed themselves. Big guys eat, man. Being told that not only do they never have to diet, but their girlfriend will get rabidly turned on when they eat too much? That's a win, right? But they weren't into it, and it wasn't practical to engage in as often as they wanted to get laid, so sex became triage.

Every single relationship I have had in my life has ended over sexual mismatch. All of them. And along the way, I felt shitty, violated, panicky, lonely, and hopeless. I have been told I am asexual, cold, cruel, and worse. I believed it.

About a year ago, I decided I couldn't do that anymore. Dating "normal" people and trying to wedge fetishy compromise into the relationship has never worked. I couldn't bear to try again.

I joined Feabie instead, thinking I'd tackle this from the other direction. I'd tried dating people who were amazing except for the sex. Maybe I could try just matching up sexually, and give up trying to fall in love. Normal people have hookups, right? Maybe I could just have kinky hookups for a while, before I am too old to pull anyone ever again.

One of the ruder awakenings of my Feabie experience has been that even in the feedist community, my fetish is niche. A lot of men message me. Like, a lot. And I want to give people a chance, so I have chatted with most of them. Maybe... 300-400 guys over the last 10 months. (These are not sexy converaations, for the most part. Just getting to know people!) But the overwhelming majority of these guys are gainers. They fetishize fat, and the process of gaining, and even though there is some fun overlap (stuffing is fun for both of us!) I eventually got frustrated with how often the conversation would swing to things that just weren't sexy to me. Playing at finding wg sexy is just as exhausting as playing at finding vanilla whatever sexy. It just... isn't. It becomes a chore. I'm back to where I started.

Finding the one tiny, incredibly hidden corner of the internet where you supposedly belong and then discovering you don't really belong there? That fucking sucks.

But... it hasn't been a wash. I have actually met people who share my fetish. Like, VERY FEW, but at this point, ANY is an enormous win. Of course, we each have our separate little quirks and angles, but on the whole, I have matched well enough with a few people that I could see myself being genuinely happy with them. They like what I like and the result is devastatingly sexy. I have had the best (virtual) dates if my whole life in the last year, my first real orgasms. I have met enough people who share my small corner of this tiny pond that I can even afford to be picky. I've even met people who I adore for reasons unrelated to the kink. Who are age-appropriate. The pool is small, but can somehow still contain people who might be perfect.

This is the right place for me to be. I have been happier and more honest and myself and more seen around the feedist community than anywhere else in my life. It isn't easy and I still haven't met a person who will commit to me and say they will keep me forever, but maybe I will. It is more likely here than anywhere.

And there are a lot more younger people around here than there are folks my age. So your chances are better than mine.

It can get better. We just have to make, and hold, our space.

[inukag-archive]

Jealously Inuyasha fanfics??

Hello there! We previously posted a list of stories centered around jealous Inuyasha, but we were able to find a few more below (featuring Inuyasha and/or Kagome as the jealous one). You might also want to check out our protective/possessive InuKag list, since there is some overlap of jealousy there too.

Happy reading!

GIF by @sleepy-edits

Jealous Hanyou by Ayster (M)

Inuyasha does not like what is his to be touched, not even a simple touch in a friendly manner. His too cute for her own good girlfriend- Kagome - works at a bar where she wears a bunny-nurse cosplay as her work uniform. When he finally gets fed up with all the horny idiots that hit on his female at work- he at last claims her as his.

--

The Jealous Are Troublesome to Others, but a Torment to Themselves by KuroNoHime (E)

Kagome's new, hot math tutor blows Inuyasha off his hinges and the girl of the future has finally had her quota on Inuyasha's constant, irrational jealousy. She brews a plan to serve Inuyasha some humble pie and make him admit his feelings for her.

--

Let me kiss your ramen-flavoured lips by @jeremymarsh & @turtleduckstudios (G)

Working as a freelancer has forced Inuyasha to leave Kagome far more than he would have liked and they’ve sort of gotten used to it. So when a well-paid job opportunity that could allow them to finally marry and secure the house of their dreams comes along he can’t refuse, even if it means they’ll be on different sides of the country for a long time.

Will jealousy and insecurities play their part too?

Or:

Inuyasha is a worrywart and that causes problems more often than not, but in the end, Kagome loves him too much to care.

--

InuKag - Jealousy by pastedpages (E)

A week after Kagome returns to the feudal era for good, Kōga shows up to see her—and Inuyasha isn't happy about it. Luckily for him, he's the only one she wants.

--

The Other Woman by legallyadragon (T)

Kagome never truly understood why Koga's baseless flirting bothered Inuyasha so much. After all, he knew she wasn't actually interested.

She understands a little bit better now, but Inuyasha shows her that she doesn't have anything to worry about.

--

Tits for Tat by @kitramune (E)

During Inuyasha's human night, Kagome ends up feeling something she hasn't felt in a long time. Luckily they have new ways of... venting that feeling, so to speak.

--

Maybe, Probably by @lavaffair (T)

They've been best friends since they were kids, and somewhere along the way, they fell in love. However, neither of them have confessed these feelings to one another. They vowed to always put each other first, and to stick by each other's side no matter what.

With finals week two weeks away, Inuyasha's classmate asks him for help to study for their big test. The same classmate who happens to have a massive crush on him.

For the first time, Kagome deals a hand with jealousy.

--

No One Else by @goshinote (G)

After exterminating a yokai in a small village, Inuyasha finds himself as the focus of a local woman's attentions. Since when is Inuyasha a ladies' man? Well, maybe that's stretching it.

--

Perfectly Flawed by dolphingirl0113 (T)

Inuyasha began to feel the cruel stab of jealousy. How was he supposed to compete with a copy of himself? A better copy? Someone without all of his flaws? “Kagome…please don’t leave me…”

--

Jealous Much? by Gfam89 (M)

Kagome is tired of the Kikyo and Inuyasha situation, so she goes home to get a break. She knows she can't be away from Inuyasha for too long, but when she meets another boy at school, how will Inuyasha react to her newfound 'friendship'

--

A Sealed Fate by @ajoy3fanfics (M)

Kikyou no longer wishes to drag InuYasha to hell, but rather pick up where they left off 50 years ago. Convinced that this is what will heal InuYashas heart, Kagome leaves the feudal era, sealing the well behind her. Or so InuYasha thinks...

--

Give Me Love - an InuAU by EnelyaTheSmall (T)

Inuyasha is a Mixed Martial Artist with an anger problem and Kagome is the breath of fresh air that he has so desperately needed.

--

Love and War by @starlingchildgazingatthestars (E)

Prompt: "We're not just friends, and you fucking know it."

Kagome is fed up with Inuyasha's obnoxious, jealous behavior, and they get into a huge fight. They may be childhood best friends, but this is getting ridiculous. They aren't even a couple! Or are they...?

--

Feel free to add your own recs in the comments or reblogs! Check our Masterlist of previous lists to see which topics we've covered.  After reviewing our submission guidelines, send us an ask (here).

[lulublack90]

Prompt 28 - Library

@jegulus-microfic August 28, Word count 681

Previous part First Wolfstar part

The Potter family library was an absolute mess by the time they were done with it. The five of them had dragged book after book off the shelves searching for any mention of the Gaunts. Remus found that they’d once owned Salazar’s Locket, but it had been sold by Merope in London. 

“Probably to Borgin and Burkes,” Regulus mused aloud. They’d have paid a good price for it. 

“Then there was Slytherin’s actual wand,” Marcus said in awe, reading from one of the wand maker’s books for some reason. “It says here that Gormlaith Gaunt had it but his niece Isolt Sayre stole it and, wow, she and her husband founded Ilvermorny! It says she was buried with the wand and a snakewood tree grew over her grave and apparently the leaves have magical properties. Well, that’s the wand gone as well then,” Marcus shrugged and shut the book. 

“They also had a ring,” James added, reading from the thin book in his hand. “It is said to be a gold ring with a black stone inset and rumoured to carry the Peverell coat of arms. Pretty sure I’m related to the Peverell’s as well, you know,” James frowned. “As far as anyone knows, it never left the family, so Morfin might still have it,” Sirius shook his head. 

“They wouldn’t have let him keep anything like that in Azkaban. More likely it was given to his next of kin, if he even still had it by then.”

“His next of kin being Tom Riddle,” Regulus said after Sirius had finished talking. 

“Have we found where the residence is yet?” Remus asked. “It would probably be a good starting place.” 

“Erm, hang on, I swear I saw something earlier,” Sirius said, throwing scrolls over his shoulder and tossing books onto other tables. “Ah-ha, here it is. It’s just outside somewhere called Little Hangleton.”

“Then that’s where we’re going next,” Regulus declared, gathering all the different texts together and putting them in his pocket. 

“How are you doing that?” James asked, as Regulus stuffed a heavy tome into his pocket that shouldn't have been able to fit. 

“Undetectable expansion charm mixed with a weightlessness charm. I thought it might come in useful,” Regulus shrugged. 

“Brilliant,” James smiled at him warmly. Regulus felt a hot blush spread across his cheeks at the praise from his boyfriend. His ears began to burn at the thought of being James's boyfriend. 

“Master Regulus, will you's be wanting your bunny slippers for your trip?” Flitsy said from the doorway, holding up the squashy pink slippers. 

“Hey, I gave those to you James,” Remus grumbled as Regulus dashed forward to take them from the elf, glowering at her the entire time. His face bright red now, he put them in his pocket so she’d stop using them against him. 

“Ahahahahahaha,” Sirius barked out a laugh at the slippers. “Of all the things for you to wear,” He snorted at Regulus. 

“Master Sirius, will you's be wanting your lucky underwear?” Flitsy piped up again, holding up a pair of bright orange briefs with CC written on them in big white overlapping letters. 

“Hey!” Sirius squawked as he pelted across the library to snatch them from her hands. “Traitor,” He told the elf. 

“Nuisance,” Flitsy spat back, sticking her tongue out. 

“Love you,” Sirius grinned at her. 

“Love you's too, Master Sirius,” Flitsy rolled her eyes at him and stuck out her cheek for a kiss which Sirius more than happily gave her. “Master James, do you's know when you’s becoming back again?” She asked, arching a brow. 

“Definitely in six days, it’s the full moon. But I’m not sure if we’ll be back before then or not. Sorry Flitsy, I’ll try and send word if we’re coming,” He tried to placate the elf. 

“See that you's do's, Master James,” And she slammed the door on them. This time Regulus definitely heard her cackle. 

“Shall we go find this Gaunt place then?” Sirius asked the group. Remus pulled out a map and found Little Hangleton, and they prepared to leave.

Next part

[hogwartshotel]

putting on my trauma therapist hat

Full Moon spoilers under the cut.

Okay so if people are mad at Blitzø after that episode, send them here!

I am, in real life, a licensed therapist who works with PTSD, so I feel like I have some hopefully helpful perspective to offer here.

I've started to see a some "I get it, Blitzø has issues, but he fucked that whole thing up", and I want to talk a bit more about how PTSD works. If any of this resonates with you personally, I recommend seeking a therapist who specializes in trauma!

There are five categories in which we expect trauma to effect people's beliefs about themselves, others and the world, long-term: trust, safety, power and control, intimacy, and self-esteem. So let's take a look at those in this scene. They do overlap.

Trust. That heartbreaking line where Stolas says "I didn't realize you thought so lowly of me" is a result of Blitzø expressing that he's never had complete trust in Stolas's intentions. Hard to blame him -- trust is something we first learn in early childhood. Imagine trying to learn trust from someone like Blitzø's dad. People often have difficulty trusting not only others, but also themselves and their own judgment.

Safety. This really ties into power and control below. Imagine that Blitzø's whole personality has come from a desire to keep himself safe -- he's good with guns, he's his own boss, he doesn't have close relationships so he can't be rejected, he puts on an air of over confidence. Having any of that challenged can shake his whole set of beliefs about himself and the world.

Power and control. When something traumatic happens to us, we can often feel ourselves. We often try to limit our experiences to ones we feel we have control over, because our brains convince ourselves this will keep us safe. We've seen Stolas come to realize that their arrangement gives him more power over Blitzø than he's comfortable with. We've also seen Blitzø attempting to exert his own power -- by keeping Stolas at arm's length, by being the one to direct their sexual encounters (not saying that you need to have trauma in order to be dominant), by doing everything he can to keep the sex interesting so that Stolas won't end the deal. Stolas is doing the right thing by giving Blitzø the crystal, but it freaks him the fuck out. He's already figured out how to have power in the situation, and he's been operating under the assumption that Stolas also likes having this power over him (that part is more theoretical, but I see Blitzø as someone who assumes that everyone thinks the way he does about this shit). So having that dynamic suddenly changed makes him panic. It triggers a fear response. He reacts in a way that assumes it's a game or a trick. The idea that someone would willingly give up power sets of alarm bells in his mind.

Intimacy. Obviously, this is a big one in their dynamic, and it's going to tie in a lot to esteem. It is very common for folks with trauma histories to have difficulties forming intimate connections -- if you've read the above stuff about trust, it's probably easy to see why. In his part of the duet, we hear Blitzø acknowledging that the situation is feeling a little complicated, but that he's going to avoid that by focusing on the sex aspect. The idea of emotional intimacy is terrifying to him.

Esteem. Blitzø does not believe that he is capable of being loved, or that anyone who gets to know him will want to stay with him. We see a lot of that in the "bad trip" scene back in season 1. Hearing Stolas express feelings for him is terrifying. I'm not sure exactly what goes through his head, but it might be something like "I'm going to fuck this up," "he's lying," or "he doesn't know what he's talking about."

So. Imagine all of that getting triggered at once. I'm not saying that Blitzø handled it well or that he isn't responsible for his actions, I'm just saying it's really understandable that he didn't handle it perfectly. Quite frankly, I thought it was going to go a lot worse -- he does get angry and say hurtful things, but we immediately see him regret it and reach out to Stolas, and I was expecting him to need a lot longer to stop being angry. I am curious to see if he's going to go to a self-destructive spiral ("I always do this, I fucked it up again, why bother even trying") or if he's going to break the pattern and figure out a way to make it right. Seeing as the next episode is called "apology tour," I'm guessing we're going to see the latter -- but that is honestly huge character growth.