#but that would be fucking logical and im being annoying soooooo

[fatherramiro]

im traveling on friday which has given me the ADHD “ooh ive got an appointment at 3 i can't do anything except wait for it” feels except its fucking tuesday and my damn flights not until friday so you can imagine how annoyed i am

[clumsyclifford]

psa i am so fucking sorry that every time i talk about my love for ross lynch i can’t shut the fuck up without writing a whole essay omfg

ok so this is very very off topic. but the driver era dropped a single tonight (it’s called leave me feeling confident. i am giving it a first listen as i type this). and like seeing the tracklisting for the album that’s coming out in october really has me like ???. they’ve already released 10 of the 15 songs on the album. why are they still releasing singles. and one of the 5 songs left to be released is an interlude?? like. it’s just weird tbh. like a kiss and forever always are both on it and those songs were released on like a mini ep as singles nearly TWO YEARS AGO. omg plz don’t come around (my fav fav fav song by them) and flashdrive are also both on it, which both came out like a year and a half ago. it just seems like such a weird way to release an album.

but anyways ! leave me feeling confident doesn’t seem awful. definitely will have to grow on me. i adore #1 fan, the last single they released, and no it isn’t because ross looked hot in the video. not at all. um yeah that’s all. i love ross and rocky with my entire heart but sometimes with their music i am simply confused. it just leaves me like ??? wyd. um ross did one of those going undercover on social media interviews a few weeks ago and i was just reminded of how in love with him i am. his lack of personality <33 my himbo <33 did you know he knows how to fly a plane. because their dad is a pilot. not only can i offer bella lore. i also have endless lynch family lore.

what’s some useless r5 lore. let me think. before sometime last night came out they had planned on releasing an album in like august-september of 2014?? but it kept getting delayed. not much of an explanation for why. anyways then sln didn’t come out until july of 2015 and i just remember being pissed about it. my mom took me to see them live (love her for that <33) onnnn july 25(?) that same year. i memorized the entire album in like two weeks. you know that meme that was popular for a second. the this can’t be the same brain meme. well this can’t be the same brain i used to memorize the entirety of sometime last night in 2 weeks. i wish i was her. OH more not really r5 but tde lore: omg plz don’t come around was written about a toxic relationship their youngest brother, ryland, was in where his gf kept cheating on him. ryland was their only sibling who wasn’t a member of r5.

the name of the band being r5 was a flat out LIE. yeah there were 5 of them. but the drummer’s name was ellington ratliff. ellington does not in fact start with R. he’s the only one who wasn’t related. him and rydel dated for several years?? FUN RANDOM FACT I JUST REMEMBERED. he was on the first episode of victorious??? lmfao this is one of my fav r5 crumbs. the very first episode of victorious. at the very beginning. tori is working on like this project for school at their kitchen table with this random boy who gets like 2 mins total of screen time. That Was Ellington. anyways ! then rydel & ellington broke up. i don’t think my heart has ever been crushed as much as it was the day rydel announced they had broken up. wait that’s a lie my heart was more broken when r5 rebranded without any prior announcement before doing it. but now he’s a pos so who cares ! I Am Sorry That Every Ask I Send About R5 Is An Essay. - bella !!!!!! (is it even necessary to sign off on asks like this. who else is coming to your ask box and sending essays about ross lynch)

((ok im gonna listen to the new single while i answer this bc i was just not aware of that happening))

uhhh........................what ??? the fuck ????????? i agree with all of that first of all god damn it why are they rereleasing these songs thats going to fuck up my spotify so fucking much second of all if theyve already released 2/3rds of their album why the fuck are they still releasing songs!!!! is it too late to pray the tracklist is a fake one meant to throw people off the scent. that would be nice. i'm legitimately kind of annoyed about this what the fuck is the point of this move boys i do not understand the logic

ok im really liking leave me feeling confident the vibes are interesting but the bass is soooooo sexy and when a song has a sexy bassline it always kicks up like at least three notches for me this song would probably be like a 6 without it but it's fully a 9 with it. SAX???? TLL ME THAT WAS A SAXOPHONE????? ok well i will say this, tde know how to arrange a song bro. they know how to throw cool sounds onto a track bro. also i am really liking the half steps in this song. like the flats in the melody. im not REALLY a music person im just talking.

oh bro back when i got into a&a/tde/r5 a bit i went on a tde interview binge so don't worry i have seen All the content, although a lot of it only once. but i distinctly remember one where they were going through their camera rolls and ross had a picture of nature or whatever and rocky asked him why and ross was like "bro you know i love nature" and that's the description of my tde complete works playlist because it makes me laugh. omg i was looking through my dms with iba for the video and i FOUND IT it's this one and it was actually his first instagram post not his camera roll but anyway the nature moment is at 2:30 and it makes me laugh. that video is actually so funny ross being like ?! i never got that shirt! or that trophy! im tryna call disney up............. bella if you just sent into a tde tailspin i will be very upset with you. while im at it though the other ross lynch quote that sends me off a fucking cliff is when shawn mendes/camila cabello's relationship gets brought up i don't remember how and ross lynch goes "we all know that relationship is fabricated!" can you imagine just being ross lynch im literally in love with him. im going to try and hunt down this interview one sec OKAY iba found it for me it's here anyway you've probably seen these already but they make me laugh

to be FAIR to ratliff though they never promised all first names would start with R and since one of his names started with R i think he can pass. i did actually know that i have a basic grasp of r5 lore although i did not know he was in victorious that's really funny good for him. not sure what a pos is but im happy for him i guess ? anyway thank you for the essay you got me rewatching tde interviews which are a nice way to spend an afternoon so thank you

[wdfa]

coming back from winter break like HELLO NAUGHTY CHILDREN ITS RELAPSE TIME

warning for... um. lots of stuff. a loooot of self hate/negative self talk. internalized transphobia/cissexism. discussions of sexual experiences (not in detail). menstruation mention. depression and symptoms.

im struggling so hard rn ugh so many Symptoms.. especially with feelings of worthlessness!!!!!!! like i just feel like im annoying ppl with just my existence!!!! UGH like i know it’s irrational bc so many ppl love and care about me and they have voiced these facts as well as affirmed them through actions! and they continue to do so! it kinda has a lot to do with my dysphoria? im not sure how to like. explain it??? because there is Context.

last saturday my frat had a brothers-only party and it was fun and cute and i had Such a Good Time because i love my brothers! some alumni came too like i got to see my grandbig again and my 2 adopted grandbigs LMAO... one is dating my gbig so she’s step-gbig i guess not adopted? but the other one is in my family line, and he has 2 “real” grandlittles but he adopted me and one of my fifth (?) cousins. ANYWAYS it was really tender because that literally happened that night, he said “as far as im concerned, i have 4 grandlittles... plates, kali, billy, and u” and im not kidding i almost cried it touched my salty ass heart. and that was pretty much the theme of the night, just me loving on everyone and everyone loving on me! 

i was kind of worried about that tbh because i was wearing one of those douchey ridiculously large arm-hole tshirts and my scars were pretty visible,,,, but like everyone was really cool about them like i got some compliments actually haha mostly they were just like “aw im so happy for u/proud of u” but one of my older bros (who happens to also be a bass!!) said smth like “yo those are really cool thats so hardcore!” which pleasantly surprised me because he’s a very aloof and sarcastic kind of person, so getting something genuine was really neat. and so much good happened that night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it was great!!!!!!!!!! but also like. ugh. i guess more context needed. 

in my pledge class of 7 only 2 of us were virgins and im one of them. like ive literally never had any Sexual experience, and it was always because i was never comfortable enough with my own body due to dysphoria. even when u get past that my high school was fucking tiny so who was going to love my fat trans ass 8^) and my pbro’s situation was a little different, but he’s gay and his high school was similar so he never had the option to explore anything either. and we were like. together on that u know? i had kind of accepted that it wasnt realistic for me to want things like that, and while that realization hurt, i knew that i had someone in the same boat. but then he goes and loses his virginity!!!!! and this is where i get MESSY LMAO IM NOT READY FOR THIS BUT HERE GOES

first of all i want to say that i am 100% happy for him because he’s my friend i will support him until the end of time and he told us it was important for him finally being able to celebrate himself and grow up and operate with sexual/personal autonomy and live his own DAMN LIFE and im so so SO proud of him for that!! and i HATE myself so FUCKING MUCH for being selfish and feeling this way and taking something so important to someone i love and making it about myself, but. now its like im left behind. i hate this feeling so fucking much i hate being left behind/forgotten about/ignored/excluded from anything and everything. and now this is something that everyone has gone through but me. and it fucking sucks even more because i know the main reason that i havent done this is because im trans!!!! like i didnt ask to be this way!!!!!!!! trust me! its so fucking difficult!!!!!!!! i hate being different sometimes, i literally just want to be like everyone else, i want to be fucking normal for once. like i know that ‘normal’ doesn’t actually exist but im tired of having to struggle through things that other people dont. and ive really just been dwelling on this and extrapolating like “welp no one will ever wanna hook up with me or date me or love me and im gonna die alone like the piece of shit i am” and it’s just opened up soooooo many Bad Feels that i either havent thought about before or did a really good job at repressing! literally just shitty Dysphoria garbage!!! 

and now its like. “ok well u dont want to be a virgin anymore then go out and have sex” WELP it doesnt really work that way!!! i’m very masculine in appearance (or at least i try to be) and the people who are attracted to me expect me to be a Cis Male, because unfortunately we assume everyone is cis until proven otherwise. bottom line is theyre gonna expect me to have a dick! but i dont! what happens when im into someone and theyre not aware of this fact? what if we Get Going and start Doing the Do but theyre like EW GROSS DIE??????? i just keep thinking about this!!!!!!!!! its in my head and i cant get it out!!!!!!!!!! like i Did Not go to bed on sunday night because i just keep dwelling!!!! i went to therapy on tuesday and told all this to my psychologist and usually that gets it out of my system but no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! she’s usually really helpful because she approaches things logically rather than emotionally but that didnt work in this case i guess!!

i told my pbros about some of these feelings and they said the shit your friends are supposed to say to make u feel better and it was reassuring that they loved me at the time but like. i guess it didnt stick lol because im still convinced that im unlovable even though mccoy sat on my lap half the night and david let me casually touch him (he does not like physicality so that was kind of a Bigger deal) and ben laid on top of us and we were all so tender but i literally cant translate that into permanence i guess!!!!! but also bad things happened at meeting that kind of validated my fears bc me n a few bros were talking, i think it was me and a gay guy and a girl who thought she was straight but shes questioning if shes bi and i cant remember who else because i was Turnt but these two were like the main source of conversation. the guy was like “im definitely gay like i know i dont like girls because vaginas are just gross” and the girl was like “yeah i dont know, im attracted to hot girls but idk if i could ever fuck w/ a girl because ew vagina” LIKE im.... ... standing............ right .... here...................... and i said something! like “thats transphobic not everyone w a vagina is a girl” and i cant remember exactly but they totally like. brushed me off. i initially have all of these doubts, then my bros are like “yooo that’s irrational, everyone loves u” which makes me feel better and kind of makes the doubts get less awful BUT THEN this happens and we’re back to square one SO.

it doesnt help that i fucking started my period on monday. i havent had it in over a year. but i had to skip a dose of T before my surgery and my ADHD ass forgets everything so i ended up skipping like 3 so apparently this is what happens when you stop taking it :) im really hoping that this is the reason im so emo about everything right now UGH.

all of these feelings are just taking such a toll on me its like im weighed down,,, i was supposed to do some studying today and take some notes but instead i stayed in bed and played games on my phone lol!!!!!! i didnt even do anything fun!!!!!!!!!! and now im alone on a friday night doing NOTHING just like i did fucking NOTHING all day today!!

what sucks about this is that im alone because i feel sad.... but being alone makes me feel even MORE sad........... like im happy when im with my friends, im happy when im with my brothers, im happy when im at the house! but for some reason i cant just text a bro at random whenever im feeling down. like if i did, i know that no matter who it was theyd give me the support i need/the support id get at the house with everyone there. but i cant make that move, i cant take that risk, because i must Avoid.... like i know talking to ppl and being around them makes me happier, and i know if i did gather the ‘courage’ or w/e to do that then the odds of getting a positive response would be 99% but i just. Cannot initiate. because that 1% chance of rejection is just too much. im terrified of it. even if i did take that chance i dont even know what i’d say??? “hey lol im kinda craving death because im a worthless abomination haha wyd” ????? im still not comfortable w talking about being trans. like i am a bit but only with certain people. definitely not with the brotherhood. maybe my big? but she just got a new girlfriend so i dont want to bother her. honestly i dont want to bother anybody!!!!!!!!!! which is Wrong because i tell ppl all the time that their emotions are valid and theyre not bothering people who care but HERE WE FUCKING ARE KIDS!

ok i think im done now i just. really had to get that out. replies and likes and asks are welcome but the other thing is not allowed. the thing with two arrows that kind of go in a circle. none of that.