#but that only makes me angrier. bc if i experience this stuff what’s someone who’s darker experiencing?

[pennyserenade]

sejanus plinth is so personal to me and not just in the way that i love him, but also in the way that i’ve never seen existing between two cultures and peoples so perfectly represented. and like sure the hunger games certainly have taken it to the highest point and yeah no one is fighting to the death, but sometimes i have to listen to my own family debate about whether my people are worthy of living here. and it’s not just them. it’s everyone. it’s all around. i have to tell people i’m mexican almost immediately to avoid it and sometimes even that doesn’t stop them. i know that anger. it sits in my belly and consumes me too.

[transromanticism]

k so here are my two cents on the whole mackie thing bc i just read the interview and i'm trying to figure my thoughts out:

dude was set up to fail from the start, from disney, this hellhole of a fandom, and tbh variety. like, there was what? only two, three paragraphs on sambucky in the whole interview, and variety goes and puts it front and center, just to get that good ol' clout. and look, disney only cares about money and that's it, and yes, they did queerbait us, with promo stuff and interviews and whatnot bc they're not stupid and know they have a large lgbt fanbase. but also, the mcu fandom is, talking as someone who has been in it for ~5 years, is the worst, and a lot of times i got uncomfortable at how some people approach the media and characters they like (thank goodness i've curated my experience well enough i don't see it so often now).

sure, the wording was 100%, wasn't that great and yadda yadda yadda, but goddamnit he did express himself well and i do not only agree with him, but i totally see where he's coming from and that makes me way angrier at the backlash than what he said.

also, why the fuck are we still asking the actors and creaters of something their opinions on fandom stuff? like, for the love of god, let fan stuff stay in fandom spaces. and be better fucking people jfc where's y'all's reading coomprehension ?????????

[some-thrilling-heroics]

aro-spec awareness week

20th: Questioning - What are some experiences you had when discovering your arospec identity?

*this is long af, but it felt nice to put it out*

*it turned out longer, and angrier than planned*

I used to wish I were aro, in the past couple years, and then berate myself for thinking that bc that's not right, idk what i'm talking abt. I remember reading posts that would detail how wrong it was to say 'oh I wish I was aro' bc that means you romanticize it, you ignore the hardship, but now... I wanna laugh at the memory

I remember how appealing it felt, every single description of aro experience I could find - except I didn't see how I could use that label for myself; I wasn't aro - I was other things but I shouldn't steal that label...

I've always known I was different. I felt that in my bones, it was in my gut, in my blood. Before I had a word I embraced the words like deviant and pervert bc the word queer, or gay wasn't in my vocabulary, and calling myself a perv felt safer than calling myself gay - can you imagine that?

So for a time I called myself gay, quietly, in whispers. I did a limited research based on pitiful books on sex ed and stuff, books that put homosexuality in with deviations, disorders and fetishes. Books that assured readers how homosexuals are weird, but for the most part aren't dangerous - bc clearly that wasn't something obvious. Books that scoffed at the word fetish, and expected the reader to play along and laugh with the author. "Oh, those silly crossdressers, right?"

I came out as a lesbian. And my parents told me I'm too young to know. I was in my last year of high school, I've seen my peers pair off for years, I've watched them crush on each other, I watched them get fucking pregnant and get abortions, but nobody told them they didn't know what they were doing. I mean, clearly, yes, teen sex is not the most experienced or rational or even responsible thing in the world, but that wasn't the point people were making at me. So I tried to defend myself. You know what I said?

"I am not asexual." (Go ahead, you can laugh. I still do.)

And I said some other things abt how hypocritical it was to doubt my ability to know myself at that age. As if age had anything to do with it. I've always known I wasn't like everybody else. It's not a feeling you can fake, it's not even a feeling you want at that age.

Anyways, that was it. I came out to a few people but I only really came out as a lesbian.

Then I questioned my gender, tried a genderqueer label on for size. It felt nice. It felt horrible, in a paradoxical way, it felt oppressive and I can't really disentangle my identity questions at that time from my depression. When I say it felt oppressive I mean not the label itself, I think maybe I could keep that in the long run, but holy fuck the people! It was as if the world was closing in on me and I couldn't breathe.

Then I wasn't anything. No label, no word. I was exhausted. I was just ME, whatever the hell that was. Idc.

Some years later I started to get back into the topic and see if anything was there that I could use. You're probably wondering where's that aro label, when I've ran through all the others (almost).

First I figured I'm ace (ha ha ha). I am asexual, after all, the irony. And I poured everything into that, that was my label, that was my identity. The panromantic was there as an accessory bc I knew I never differentiated but it never occurred to me that it's not bc I'm attracted to everybody - it's bc I'm attracted to NOBODY. I embraced that last year in summer - that's a few months ago. I haven't been using aro label longer than 6 months, I think.

I would have used it sooner but there was one major blockade for me. My childhood and teen crushes. The only reason I didn't dare use that word to describe me. It took me so long to figure out that what I called crushes, was different what people call crushes. I never wanted to have sex with anybody, that was clear for me - so I'm ace. But try to define romance when people say hugs are romantic, that holding hands is romantic, that spending any quality time is romantic - especially if with someone of other gender. I had to readjust my vision. I didn't crush on people - I was starved for meaningful friendships, for trust, for true intimacy - something that as a bullied kid I could never have.

I've been to some psychiatrists over the years - three of them actually - and I noticed that they talk to me as if I'm unaware of my own shit, as if they need to spend hours upon hours pulling the emotional teeth from me, like most people that are scared of what lies in the dark abandoned corner of their psyche. And I want to laugh in their faces. I get it, I appreciate the delicate tugging for what it is, but really - I'm not some hapless cishet, who never had to face the question ‘who am I?’ and ‘why am I like this?’. I am queer. I've spent over 15 years figuring myself inside and out, I had to figure myself out when the world wasn't ready for that (as if I care), I abandoned people that couldn’t accept me even when society at large told me those are the people I can’t live without, I had to accept myself and learn myself by the age most people get out of school, or look for a relationship bc they’ve never learned how to be alone with themselves. But it's hard to be forthcoming to a so called specialist that is there to help you, as their job, when the moment I say what I am I will have to follow that up with a lecture or ask them if they understand the words I'm using - so that ruins the point of me going to a specialist; and boy do I have shit to sort out.

[disasterjones]

Jarrett. Give us the tea my dude

Jarett: Describe your worst boss or teacher you've ever had.

my time has come,, 

this is obscenely long, apologies

okay so I used to work at a credit union (it’s basically a bank but they push this concept of “community” and “we’re not like the banks” except that they are, do not be tempted by their honeycomb claims, they’re as fragile as they are sweet) and I worked in the quality assurance department

we were tasked with everything from balance inquiries to opening accounts to being the equivalent of loan servicers (without the capacity to actually craft the loan agreement for underwriting, because then what would the loan officers do)

my boss, we’ll call him Bob, had two assistant managers, we’ll call them Jenny and August, who were probably the pacific northwest equivalent of Stepford Wives, with Bob being the superficially-agreeable gentleman that welcomes the unaware into the compound for assimilation

so anyway I joined this job through a temp-to-hire position and it was great for the first six months or so (as it turns out, even jobs have honeymoon periods), I made friends with coworkers, I established a presence and something of a reputation for being the friendly-and-decently-quick-learner, which I would later find out was to my detriment, because they took the “quick learner” concept and thought that translated perfectly to “teacher,” and about a year in they gave me a temp to train

the temp was never a problem, although she did sometimes like to be on her phone when we were in the middle of a call, but I’m just an employee that’s giving pointers, I’m not a boss nor am I her mother, so I don’t bother to give her too much hassle about it. she still manages to keep decent call times for a newbie and is able to navigate our systems after a little bit of repetition

this was the beginning of my issues with Bob, as he wanted me to be more strict and adhere as closely his own inflexible schedule as possible. problem is I can’t force a person to learn faster, nor had I asked for the responsibility of training someone in the first place. why hadn’t they asked someone with more experience? sure I’d learned the ins and outs of the programs okay, but i hadn’t developed the tools to quickly de-escalate angry callers yet, hadn’t even been given access to several systems I was expected to use to train this temp, but being behind was my fault no matter what I said

I’d already been dealing with some subtle snideness and condescension from Jenny and August on top of that, and it took me ages to realize it’s because I was the only person that didn’t engage in makeup culture (partially bc I can’t afford that shit lol) and that was literally the reason why: I wasn’t “put together” or “company ready,” even though I never personally interacted with members or anyone on site beyond people in my immediate department

so a year and a half of this, of subtle underhanded remarks and difficult demands, of having constant rising expectations and quotas, told at every turn that our goal is to have as many new members as possible, all the while a broken record of lie, just repeating constantly that “sales don’t matter, it’s about the community” 

(EXCEPT GET ALL THE ACCOUNTS DON'T LET THEM SLIP THROUGH YOUR FINGERS YOU FUCKING FAILURE YOU COULD HAVE GOTTEN THEM 3 ACCOUNTS YOU COULD HAVE GOTTEN THEM A GOOD RATE ON THE NEW CREDIT CARD IF THEY JUST SIGNED UP BUT REMEMBER WE DON’T WANT TO SELL THEM ANYTHING)

finally it’s Christmas time and I’ve been busting my hump for the whole year and it’s my second year so I’m eligible for a bonus and I’m literally gonna burst I’m so happy... until Bob and Co. announce that, despite all our stellar efforts this year, despite that we are ahead of company projections by a 15% margin across all departments, despite that I personally (and by proxy our department) was responsible for the acquisition of an account worth over 1.3 million, we were told our Christmas bonuses were actually going to be a bit sparser than they were the year prior, my first year, the year I got a $75 Fred Meyer gift card in

I had been looking forward to a cash bonus and had worked my ass off for it, had been damn near guaranteed it during a number of team/personal reviews with the managers, but surprise! three days before christmas, all I have to look forward to is $50 to a place that I can reasonably get a single pair of shoes from (and maybe some socks)

it’s a month or so later that the Big Change happens, and the entire building of employees moves across town to a new location. some people get let go in the shuffle, including one of my close friends I’d met there. financially stressed though she was, I could see how much happier she was to be out of that place, and I started to get inklings of leaving as my mental health began to deteriorate. another result of this change is that the parking availability for employees is cut down to a third of what we used to have, except it’s even less because most of the spots at the new building are intended for members, so everybody’s carpooling or riding bikes or bussing

side note: carpooling is all well and good in a green initiative, but do you have any idea how difficult it is to coordinate more than two people for a carpool? either you can make us carpool or you can have us in on time, you can’t have both

a bit of advice for anybody new to the job circuit or who might have trouble deciphering “appropriate” social gestures: no matter how open they say you can be, no matter how friendly or amenable they appear to be to mental health struggles, don’t fall for that trap and think you can show any moment of weakness. it’s true that not everyone will react the way my managers did, but don’t take the chance if you can help it. on the surface, they understood. on the surface they said they were with me.

i would go on to walk in on those same people mocking my symptoms and talking about how it can’t be that bad, that I must be trying to get attention.I was labeled unprofessional, and no matter how much they encouraged open communication and preached how “life happens and things get rough for people,” I was still an acceptable target. 

so I took my complaint to HR, who at first seemed taken aback at the notion that, of anybody, BOB could be engaging in such careless and callous behavior. “Oh, he’s such a nice man! I’m sure he didn’t mean those things.” and because he wasn’t the one saying them, but rather laughing along with them, and because it was my word against theirs, it was unlikely to go anywhere

time crawls on and it’s about march or so when everything finally snaps in my brain. getting out of bed feels like selling my soul and going to work feels more like torture than a paycheck. on The Dawn Of The Day That Broke My Back, I was up and ready, out in front of my apartment and chain smoking to keep myself awake, when I realized that no matter when my carpool shows up now, we’re going to be late

I try to keep myself in decent spirits, not be a grumposaurus on the way in. I feel prepared for the day, got my coffee and my lunch in a bag and a nice outfit and I feel like maybe today won’t be as bad as the rest of the month has been, even though we’ll be late

we arrive about 10 after, but I’ve got Jenny and August’s numbers in my phone, so I’ve sent them messages ahead of time to let them know that the carpool was a bit late because traffic has been troublesome. I don’t remember how true it was, but the point is I did my part to let them know ahead of time that we weren’t no-shows, just a bit delayed. as I’m walking in (mind you, following and followed by a number of other individuals just as late as me), Bob singles me out, pointing first at me and then another aggressive point in the direction of a closed office space 

fun fact: with the new change in locations, he no longer has his own office, in fact he now sits directly adjacent to me and close enough to hear me speak under my breath, something I had to be constantly aware of

he ignores the confusion on my face as soon as we’re inside and immediately begins to accuse me of slacking off, saying I’ve been skipping out on and coming late into work constantly, and I need to “get it together” or I’ll be out of a job. I try to express that I’m not trying to shirk my responsibilities, just that I’ve been dealing with a lot of personal stuff and it’s affecting my focus. He doesn’t care, his frustration continuing to escalate, and every time I offer a response or rebuttal to an unfair statement, he gets angrier and changes what he’s upset about.

Finally it happens. 

“You were late! 10 minutes late! You need to be in your chair at your desk and ready to sign in and be ready to take calls BY 8:00!!” 

I have grown tired of him yelling for no reason, and the backbone that had crumbled away over the last two and a half years suddenly snaps back into place hard as steel. 

“I would like to know why this is all aimed at me specifically, when you saw me enter with the remainder of my carpool, the carpool that you all made us set up in the middle of construction season, which of course is happening on the only road that leads here. 

“I would like to know how I’m supposed to control the environment or lives of the other people I am stuck riding with every day for this job that supposedly cares about us, even though it doesn’t seem to care about the extra expenses or time  crunch we now have to endure as a result of this change that miraculously doesn’t affect you. 

“I would like to know who put that stick so far up your ass that you thought it was necessary to yell at your employee about 10 damn minutes. If you don’t mind, I have a job to get to.”

And I go and sit at my desk. He fumes quietly in the office for a while before coming out to his desk, returning to whatever he was doing before he pulled me aside to treat me like a child.

Not a few hours later, I get a call from a member that had been working directly with Bob (big ordeal that needed a manager a few days prior, so he was the go-to for this particular account), and they wanted to speak with him, claiming it was urgent. I hold the call and stand up, trying to get Bob’s attention quietly since there’s other calls happening around me. I call his name quietly, saying “phone for you, it’s [member’s name]” but he doesn’t seem to hear me because he doesn’t respond. So again, I whisper his name, this time leaning more towards him to hopefully catch his eye with the movement, but he cuts me off before I can get the member’s name out

He starts yelling. Like, at the top of his voice, yelling. In a small room, to a person less than 5 feet away, audible to everyone both on a call and not (I would later find out it was also audible over the phone! a member asked what the yelling was about. but I’m the unprofessional one)

“CAN’T YOU SEE I’M BUSY? WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO BOTHER ME WITH CAN WAIT. GET BACK TO WORK.”

The resolve I’d summoned earlier didn’t stay with me, and this was the final straw. It’s one thing to be berated to and humiliated one on one, it’s another to be on the receiving end of it in the presence of 20 other people. I get back on the phone and tell the member, “I’m very sorry, he’ll have to return your call. He’s unavailable at the present.” and hung up, because I was about to cry and I needed to get out. I log out of everything, lock my computer, pick up my belongings and wave to one of my carpoolmates as I walk out and down to HR

they wound up convincing me to stay for a few more weeks, especially after they fired Bob (who it would turn out was going through a divorce, his second in four years, and I just happened to be the punching bag he needed that day), but eventually I left and never went back

[ Critical Role Ask Meme ]

[queen-scribbles]

All the questions for whichever origin applies :) (I'm sorry I'm not super familiar with your characters!)

(Rahna) TABRIS:

What was Tabris’ relationship with their family like? (Cyrion, Adaia, Shianni, Soris…)

She doesn’t really remember Adaia all that well(which bothers her more than she admits), She loves her father but wishes he was a little less…. complacent. She and Shianni get along great, they’re fond of the whole teasing-insults-that-sound-real-to-other-people as a means of showing affection with each other. She and Soris get along pretty great(even if he is sort of the reason she’s claustrophobic)

How did Tabris handle being told of their arranged marriage?

She… wasn’t thrilled, but she knows lots of people who have happy marriages even though they were arranged., so she didn’t protest too much. Just rolled her eyes a little at the whole “We don’t wanna seem like troublemakers so don’t mention the weapon training, k?”

How did Tabris react to meeting their betrothed?

Oh, meeting Nelaros definitely made her way more okay with the getting married thing. (She still has the ring. Even years later.) He’s so sweet and seems like such a nice guy, but also doesn’t just take Vaughan’s crap. She was actually looking forward to marrying him before… y’know.

Did Tabris have any knowledge or ideas about the Dalish? Did they believe they were real, or a myth?

She knew vaguely that they existed, but no real details. Did believe they were real, though.

Did Tabris stop to talk with the children playing? If so, how did they handle the children saying they didn’t know any elven heroes?

No, she didn’t, because she was my first time through the Tabris origins and I missed it. >.>

How did Tabris respond to Vaughn harassing the elven women? To he and his men crashing the wedding?

Straight up told him to knock it off and leave them alone//”I’ll kill you if you touch us”//cheered Shianni on when she bottled the bastard

If Tabris was kidnapped, what was their plan before Soris showed up? 

Kill everyone in the way and get them all out as unharmed as possible(and then Nola got killed pretty much straight off the bat, which only made her angrier).

Did Tabris kill Vaughn or accept his money? Why?

Oh, bitch, he dead. And it was extra great cuz she got the dual-weapon finishing move where you stab your opponent in the gut and then cut off their head. She was very satisfied.

What was growing up in the alienage like for Tabris? How did they feel about having to leave?

Growing up in the Alienage for Rahna meant a large importance on family, sometimes going hungry bc there wasn’t enough, and a slowly built and reinforced distrust for human nobility(I’m honestly kind of shocked at how fast she and Nate bonded in DAA)

How did Tabris feel about returning to the alienage, and finding slavery?

*KILL BILL SIRENS*

(Trinne) AMELL:

Did Amell have any memories of their life before the Circle? If so, what of? If not, how did they feel about not knowing where they’re from?

OH, yeah. Trinne was eight–almost nine–when the templars took her, so she remembers her parents(she was a Daddy’s Girl, through and through) and her sisters really well. She has lots of memories playing with her sisters, her father teaching her constellations, her mother attempting to tame her hair, etc etc 

What was Amell’s relationship with Jowan like? What did they think of the revelation of him being a blood mage?

Oh, best friends isn’t even strong enough. Trinne and Jowan are basically family in every sense but blood(and actually, Modern AU he is her brother via adoption). The single fastest way to make her angry is go after Jowan, whether that be just insults or physically attacking him. And he’s defensive of her right back, she just… needs it less. She beats people up for calling him names, he lies to keep her out of trouble and keeps her from being too impulsive as much as he can. She has mixed feelings about the blood mage reveal, those mixed feelings being AWESOME and WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME?!?! She’s hurt he lied to her, but she doesn’t view blood magic as being as evil as the Chantry teaches(entropy mage; she’s put a lot of thought into this stuff “Why is THAT bad but not THIS?”, so that didn’t bother her as much.)

How prepared was Amell for their Harrowing?

She was pretty prepared, star pupil and all that. Still just barely managed to figure out Mouse’s game in time.

What was Amell’s reaction to first entering the Fade?

She thought it was pretty neat, if a tad disorienting. Adjusted pretty quickly to the concept of her will making things Real and ran with it.

Did Amell believe in “Mouse?” What did they think of his story?

Of my mages, Trinne’s the most comfortable with her skill level and least self-effacing, so he almost got her with his combo of “Woe is me” and “You’re so powerful and strong, surely you can succeed!”

How did Amell feel about living in the Circle?

Jowan and picking on the templars were the only things that made life bearable. Oh, and books. She loves to read, especially history, so the most common place to find her was the library.

Did Amell favour a particular Fraternity? What did they think about Circle politics in general?

She usually tried to keep out of Circle politics, but if you forced her to picked, she’d probably come down somewhere between Aequitarians and Libertarians, leaning a bit more toward the latter. 

How did Amell feel about working with tranquil mages?

She sees Tranquility as being just as much an abomination as anything any demon can do to a mage; stripping them of their free will and turning them into an obedient puppet. She and Jowan would both rather die than be Tranquil, so even after everything goes to hell in the Origins, even when she’s mad and hurt that he lied to her, she’s never, ever sorry she helped him escape that. Not for a second. And she’s not shy about admitting that either.

Did Amell decide to help Jowan and Lily, or did they tell Irving of their plans? Why?

Oh, she helped Jowan and Lily. No arm-twisting or anything required. She did check with Irving that they were really planning to make Jowan Tranquil, got really mad when the reason “Oh, yeah, someone told Greagoir he’s a blood mage” (I mean, he is a blood mage, but she didn’t know that, and the fact they were going to make Jowan Tranquil because of what was to her just hearsay infuriated her), and is therefore extremely defiant about helping them.

How did Amell feel about returning to the Circle, and seeing it in chaos?

It broke her heart and made her want to throw up and if Uldred had still been Uldred instead of a demon’s plaything, she probably would’ve thrown him off the top of the tower and prayed he bounced as many times as possible on the way down.

(Gabriel) ANDRAS (AWAKENING):

What was the warden’s life like prior to joining the order? Under what circumstances did they join?

Gabriel’s family(Parents, him, and younger brother Remy) were servants to one of the more decent chevaliers(I know that’s not saying much. He didn’t beat them, they were fed and had a roof, his sister actually was the one who taught Gabriel to read). Gabriel picked up some moves watching the guards/soldiers spar and practiced in what little free time he had, developed a rogue-influenced warrior fighting style(he’s a berserker/champion/spirit warrior in game). Long, LONG story short, a Grey Warden saw him fighting and was impressed with his skill–even more so upon learning he was essentially self-taught–and Conscripted him,

How did the warden react to being made Warden-Commander and sent to a new country?

Surprised, tbh. He was still a relatively new Warden at the time of the Blight and its aftermath; so he’d expected some with more Warden experience would get command. The new country bit didn’t bother him much; he’s always wanted to travel. 

What did the warden say in return to Empress Celene presenting them with new armour, upon their departure?

He doesn’t (I don’t) remember :P

What was the warden’s first impression of Ferelden?

Well, it was raining, so cold, wet, and lots of green and brown

How did the warden handle the negative backlash to their Orlesian nationality?

Honestly, he’s just glad they’re focusing on that rather than calling him “rabbit” and telling him to go make supper.