#but that is probably because of David Foster and not because of him

[azriona]

Well, I took 10yo to see Lilo & Stitch.

I have... mixed feelings.

I still think the original animated version is superior, I'm glad I went... but mostly in the same vein as being glad I lived in Saudi Arabia so I can talk about what it's like to experience living in that country. Because there's a whole lot of nuance involved in what makes the new version of the movie so disturbing, as well as some issues I haven't even seen raised that bother me, too.

(Spoilers under the cut. Slightly modified from a post on Dreamwidth.)

So the biggest difference between the animated and live-action versions of the movie is obviously the ending: in the animated version, Nani stays with Lilo, with the added bonus of a supportive extended family structure from David, Stitch, Pleakley, and Jumba. Not so in the live-action: Nani goes to college in California, Lilo is being cared for by their neighbor, though there is still the extended family structure from Stitch, Pleakley, and Cobra Bubbles.

The reports I'd seen about this ending--"NANI GIVES LILO UP TO THE STATE"--are very reactionary. Not to say they're wrong--they're not--but there's nuance there too. The neighbor is set up early on as being a sort of "auntie" to the girls, already watching over them and offering assistance (which Nani refuses to take). The reason the neighbor has Lilo is partially because she suggests it, and partially because CPS agrees to the plan to see her as a foster parent for Lilo.

Is Lilo still ward of the State, ultimately? Yes. (And this is something the movie 100% glosses over, because I doubt it's that easy or fast. And I don't mean to downplay that part of it: Nani 100% relinquishes parental rights, and while the movie insinuates that she can get Lilo back again... come on. We all know. We've all seen those Lifetime specials) Is Lilo in a family unit that is familiar, comfortable, and accepting (and also native Hawaiian, which was my big question)? Also yes. The sisters also still have close contact with each other: the last scene is Lilo and Nani Facetiming each other... and then actually together, in the same place, via a device we see Jumba using earlier that allows them to move from one location to the other easily.

(An argument I saw online which does make sense: If Nani can use the portal-ray-gun to visit her sister in Hawaii while she lives in California, why can't she live in Hawaii and use the portals to attend classes in California? Which is an excellent point too.)

But there's also a lot of weirdness about the movie, things that rubbed me the wrong way, and choices that I just didn't like.

Jumba's characterization is erased. He doesn't have the Russian accent. (Every time he spoke, it was jarring.) He doesn't have a redemption arc; at the end of the movie, he's taken away by the Intergalactic Counsel. Which means, he's not part of Lilo's ohana at the end. In the original version, he has a sort of... fatherly relationship with Stitch; that's gone. I wouldn't say it's far that in this version, Jumba doesn't see Stitch as a he, but an it. 

Which also means, the dynamic between Jumba and Pleakley is shifted. They're not the comic relief ambiguously gay uncles anymore; they're almost working against each other from the start. (Pleakley's character is left almost intact.) And credit where credit is due: Zach Galifianakis plays Jumba really well... just that the changes made to the character made him unlikable in the end. 

Cobra Bubbles also had some shifts to his backstory; he's not CPS in the movie, he's actually CIA. (Even though for what he does in the movie, it'd make more sense for him to be FBI.) He goes undercover as CPS to get close to Stitch, but he's not actually CPS at all. I can't decide if I like this switch to his backstory, or not. I did really like Courtney B. Vance as Cobra: he looked and sounded just about how you'd expect a live-action version of Cobra Bubbles to look like. This made his changes infinitely better than Jumba's. (Probably helped that they weren't so drastic. And Cobra really is 100% part of the family unit in the end this time, which I don't think was so explicitly stated before. That's maybe a positive: if Cobra's not actually CPS, it means his inclusion in the family unit is by choice and not necessity, which makes it that much stronger a statement for the flexibility and inclusiveness of found family.) 

Another thing that bothered me, and which I haven't seen mentioned anywhere, was the focus on health insurance (and lack thereof) as a major plot point. Because trust me, it is. The social worker at the beginning of the movie (who is not Cobra Bubbles but a new character entirely) tells Nani that she must sign them up for health insurance. And for whatever reason, Nani doesn't get this done. No mention of how she would even do that, how difficult it would be, if the insurance would start immediately (do they, even? I've never not had it through one workplace or another).

But when Lilo is hurt in a surfing accident and ends up in the ER, and Nani doesn't have insurance... well. That's the thing. Nani is literally told that the only way out is to let the State have Lilo, because only then will the State cover Lilo's doctor's bills.

And that, to me, is pure evil. That right there, should be the main takeaway from this movie. Not that Nani gives up her parental right... but why she gives up her parental rights. It's not to go to college. It's not because she can't handle the pressure of being a mom to her sister.

IT'S BECAUSE SHE LITERALLY CANNOT AFFORD TO DO OTHERWISE. Because one single visit to the emergency room--with no indication that Lilo is even going to have any major complications afterwards--is enough to utterly and completely destroy their delicate balance between being okay, and being ground into utter poverty.

It's borderline blackmail. It's kind of disgusting. And in almost any other country in the world, it wouldn't have been an issue. I have to think there's probably some interesting commentary on that plot point in other places, more or less along those lines. "Look how fucked up the American health care system is; in ours, that whole debacle would have maybe cost Nani $200, not the guardianship of her sister."

Another complaint I've seen is the downplaying of the tourist trade. Definitely saw very, very little of that: mostly in the form of when Lilo is sneaking onto a resort area and using their services when she shouldn't be. (She gets caught or called out a couple times; there are zero consequences shown. Mostly people just say, "You aren't supposed to be here" and that's the end of that. There are no interactions with tourists at all. Anyone Lilo interacts with is either Native Hawaiian or if not native, a Hawaiian resident. I think of all the speaking roles in the movie, maybe... four were not POCs. (Two of those being Jumba and Pleakley. One being Mertle, who barely appears. One being the woman working at the animal shelter. If I'm forgetting others, they appear even less than Mertle.

Having lots of POCs in the movie in main character speaking roles? Awesome. Having zero comment on the tourist trade in a movie that low-key gives you a very idyllic helicopter view of Disney's Hawaiian resort.... eh, we're getting a little sketchy here. You just know that resort is going all-in on Lilo & Stitch tie-ins. 

I can't help but think: every time there's a movie that features POCs as the main characters, there's also so many problematic issues with the movie themselves (which generally have NOTHING to do with the main characters or main actors) that there's usually a campaign: boycott this movie! Don't go see it! We saw that with Captain American Brave New World (oh no there's an Israeli actress featured and that's pro-Israel very bad). We're seeing it with Lilo & Stitch. What are we going to see it with next? All that ends up happening is it gets harder and harder for studios to justify making movies with POCs. "Oh sorry your movie tanked, we can't do a sequel." That's not their fault you approved a problematic movie.

Sigh.

Anyway. 10yo liked the movie. He doesn't see the problems, he just saw how Stitch (and Lilo!) were loved despite being wild children who have trouble controlling themselves. For him, that was the biggest message. And how family can include everyone. I don't mind him taking away those messages: they're the same ones that appealed to him in the first movie. They're the same ones that ultimately appeal to most kids. And those were still in there, just framed differently. 

[cha-melodius]

12 for henry & oscar for the hug prompts

(I love that you sent a Henry & Oscar prompt, and this one was so good for them. Perhaps unsurprisingly, this one is post-canon. read all the hug ficlets)

12: The “you know I’ve always got your back” hug.

One of Henry’s favourite outcomes of stepping down from his royal position was that he had more time to devote to the network of shelters that he’s been building with Pez. He loves planning the spaces, and visiting them, and meeting with the staff to figure out better ways to serve the community. Even the fundraising galas are less tedious when he can freely tell people to sod off with the ‘His Royal Highness’ nonsense and call him Henry.

These kinds of meetings he could certainly do without. Unfortunately, winning local city governments over so they’ll approve the necessary re-zoning and building permits is a vitally important part of the process, and so Henry is steeling himself for what is likely to be an unpleasant hour of his life. Usually, Pez would be here too—Pez is aces, as he puts it, with charming people, and all Henry has to do is sit there and chip in with a few key points when Pez prompts him. But Pez is travelling for some other business meeting, and Alex is stuck at home because of an important case, so Henry was resigned to facing this one alone.

That, as it turns out, isn’t quite the case.

“Cheryl Robinson will be your biggest opponent,” Oscar is telling him. “She represents—how should I put it—some of the less progressive interests in the city, and she’s unfortunately got a lot of sway. She loves dogs, though, so if you tell a cute story about David, you’ll soften her up.”

When Henry had made plans to stay with his father-in-law for this trip, he hadn’t really expected all of this, which, in retrospect, was probably silly of him. Oscar always seemed to delight in the opportunity to help them out, and unlike Alex, Henry has no hang-ups about accepting it. He’d insisted on driving Henry to his meeting and has been giving him a run-down on every city official that will be there, including every bit of inside information he has. Henry’s so grateful for the support he could cry.

He doesn’t, though. He sits in the passenger seat and takes notes—Foster, bad toupee, mention construction budget and local contracts—as they slowly make their way through LA traffic.

“Sure you don’t want me to come in?” Oscar asks when they finally arrive. He’s not wearing business-meeting clothes, but Henry thinks he probably doesn’t care.

“I think it’s probably best I don’t surprise them with a senator they’re not expecting,” Henry replies.

“Ah, you’re probably right,” Oscar says with a grin.

Henry smooths a hand over the folio containing his notes. “Thank you for all of this, though. It’s been immensely helpful.”

“Any time.”

To Henry’s surprise, Oscar follows him out of the car and stands next to him while Henry collects his briefcase from the back. When Henry turns toward him, he reaches up to straighten Henry’s tie and brush imaginary lint off the shoulder of his jacket. Henry’s used to such fussing over his appearance, though not from Oscar, and he’s certainly not used to it being the prelude to being tugged into a hug.

“They give you any trouble, you call me, ok?” Oscar says as he holds Henry tightly. “You got this, mijo.”

Right, Henry might actually cry now, which would definitely be counterproductive. He doesn’t currently trust himself to speak, so he just nods as he straightens up again, collects himself, and heads into the meeting a lot more confident than he’d been this morning.

[bantersnatch]

i'm chomping my knees waiting for ur takes on the new lore

dear reader, i want you imagine dial-up noises like i'm an ancient home computer looking at this ask. i'm dumb as rocks this weekend (came down with a head cold). THAT BEING SAID. yeah sure let's chat lore <3

i. the host is thirty years old as of the filming of season 2.

SCALDING HOT TAKE: yup, they sure are. i would have been mildly taken aback if they were any other age, as might become apparent to anyone sniffing around on my ao3. yay. onto the next take. (i think this was mostly a Reveal because vic is private with personal information including their irl age but uhhh nothing hides from my all-seeing eye and also . we got the host's college grad date two weeks ago anyway etc etc)

ii. the host has two younger brothers.

okay now we're cooking with gas. sibling dynamics get real tricky real fast but in a troubled household like the host's growing up, it's reasonable to imagine that the eldest sibling(s) would assume part of the parenting burden for younger siblings. with four kids total that would almost certainly be the case. layered with the twin dynamic, the whole 'parent role' thing would likely get even more tangled -- especially given that we have a golden child and a black sheep as our eldest twins. did katie assume most of the parenting burden while the host rejected responsibility/assumed a 'child' role, fostering resentment? or the opposite, where katie had the freedom to have a social life while a young host was plunged into a caretaker role? or, did they take on this responsibility as a (disastrously codependent) unit? and, just as importantly -- what happened? this is a recipe for a tightly bonded sibling group, but the host isn't in touch with any of their siblings, and seemingly hasn't been for a long time. a logistical note: it's unclear whether the younger brothers are step-siblings, half-siblings, full siblings, or some combination thereof. any of those factors would further complicate the dynamics involved. if they're full siblings, they would have had to have been conceived before the host's dad left (when they and katie were six years old).

iii. mmmmm bianca.

biancaaaaaaaa did we get bianca lore? i don't think we got bianca lore. someone yell at me if we got bianca lore. other than the whole 'chin up feet together' thing. ugh. can you imagine being coworkers with these people and having to watch this bullshit go down all day? awful. i can turn that into host lore actually. they're a mimic. whose parenting style might they be mimicking with their obsessive control over bianca?

iv. wow the host sure is a trainwreck huh.

get yourself a guy who gets a crush on a merman watch model and then, upon meeting him in the flesh, falls over themself scrambling to pathetically mold themself into his vision of an ideal partner no matter the cost to their own real identity and preferences, then flips into a vindictive rage when he breaks things off. actually . no. don't get yourself a guy like that. that's a nightmare guy. i'm happy to say that i could not fix them. and neither could you. i think they are fully beyond saving. we can all see why david married them. we can also imagine why things were probably never going to work out there -- whatever parts of them he fell in love with were likely fabricated.

[anthraxofeffervescence]

One of the most infuriating things about the popular culture's reaction to the suicide of David Foster Wallace is that people, his fans included, treat it like he was "just too smart". People willingly force him into this tortured artist stereotype, like his depression helped him do all this great writing, when that stereotype could not possibly be more what he was writing against.

Infinite Jest has one of the strongest examples of him speaking on this kind of attitude towards tortured artistry, but there are countless others. The quote goes:

Hal... theorizes privately that what passes for hip cynical transcendence of sentiment is really some kind of fear of being really human, since to be really human (at least as he conceptualizes it) is probably to be unavoidably sentimental and naive and goo-prone and generally pathetic, is to be in some basic interior way forever infantile, some sort of not-quite-right-looking infant dragging itself anaclitically around the map, with big wet eyes and froggy-soft skin, huge skull, gooey drool. One of the really American things about Hal, probably, is the way he despises what it is he's really lonely for: this hideous internal self, incontinent of sentiment and need, that pulses and writhes just under the hip empty mask, anhedonia.

This is the main crux of Infinite Jest (or, one of them. There's a lot going on). If we continue to worship "hip, cynical transcendence," we will die. Which is why it's beyond maddening that the suicide of David Foster Wallace is viewed as it is.

Anyone even broadly familiar with the timeline of David Foster Wallace's mental health issues in relation to his work will know that he did his best work after getting help. His best short stories and novels were written when he was medicated, taking care of himself, and trying to do better. He killed himself when he was off medication, and the reason he stopped taking it was because it had a bad reaction with some fucking food he ate. Medication, therapy, being less cynical, trying to connect with people more, these are all things that worked. Any work he did was in spite of his mental illness, not because of it.

And the worst part of all of this? His fans are complicit. I once made a post somewhere else online about how sad I was that he passed away, and the comments were full of people basically jerking off to his suicide, all but saying that he was "too good for this world", and on and on and on.

The Pale King is forever unfinished, and that is beyond heartbreaking. Suicidal depression is one of the most difficult things in the world, and if you're worried about dealing with it because you'll in some way lose something, you won't. What you will regain, however, are only the best parts of you.

I love you, you school-bus-sized fandom (as in if you got everyone in the tumblr DFW fandom together in a physical location, we would fit on a single school bus.)

Take care of yourselves. Love you guys.

[finkadink]

Abner Krill “Polkadot Man”

I didn’t want to change his design much from The Suicide Squad 2021 version, mostly because this was my first introduction to this character, and I’ve really grown attached to David Dastmalchian’s image…

My take on Abner is basically the same as the movie version, his mother was a scientist of S.T.A.R Labs who was so obsessed with the thought of creating the next Superman, she dedicated her time to experimenting on her own children. Abner Krill was the youngest of his Seven siblings (three of the seven were actually blood related, his other siblings were fostered and soon adopted under his mother’s care after she ‘deemed’ herself worthy of taking care of them fully, which she then used them for her own sick experiments.) Abner was injected with a inter dimensional virus, which is the Polkadots that Abner is able to conjure. These Polkadots are basically like lasers, formed into small colorful spheres that can destroy pretty much anything in its path. This could make Abner a very powerful ally, or even a worse threat. The thing is, Abner loathes these abilities as they cause him nothing but pain. He still has to dispel these pesky dots twice a day or they will literally eat him up from the inside. When the dots begin to form under his skin like a boil or cyst they itch and ache, not only that but they tend to shift, not staying in the same place, which is even more of a nuisance to deal with. Abner lived under constant surveillance in his Mother’s home, which she integrated into her own lab to keep on eye on her remaining kids. After the death of his eldest sister, one he was closest to, he snapped, using his powers to destroy his mother’s lab and her along with it. Due to being sheltered all his life, he had limited social cues and didn’t know how to function fully around others, which got him quickly sent to Belle Reve to fully contain his powers.

Abner is a pretty intelligent man, tinkering with things in his spare time. He would often take apart his toys as a young kid, only to repair it from the ground up. Right before the murder of his mother, he created a pair of gauntlets from spare parts that he used to better project his destructive powers. Abner is very much antisocial, he’s awkward and shy and has a hard time expressing his emotions with others. Sad pitiful man who deserves better.

More information will probably be added later !! Here’s some old attempts of trying to draw this man lmao… love to struggle

[sophie1973]

WIP Wednesday

Thank you for the tags these past few days @dizzymisslizzie

@iboatedhere @anincompletelist @firenati0n @tintagel-or-cockleshells. Tagging you back with no pressure 🩷

We are slowly but definitely reaching the end with my Foster parents AU, which I hope to post before the end of this month (because it is a lot of words in dire need of revising and betaing).

So this is probably the penultimate snippet I will post.

Tags under the cut

He clears his throat. He hasn’t really prepared anything for what is probably one of the most - if not the most - important, defining moment of his life, but it’s alright, he can wing it. “So, Alex and I received some good news today, and we were wondering if you, Millie, and Noah, would be amenable to-” He stops abruptly, catching Alex’s raised eyebrows.  Right. Bloody Hell. He’s supposed to be good at this, for fuck’s sake. He rubs his sweaty palms on his trousers, takes a deep breath and starts again. “What I mean,” he says, his voice softer now, “is that Alex and I would like it very much if you two stayed with us. Indefinitely.” Alex winks at him and chimes in, “That means forever.” Millie straightens up, her eyes big and hopeful as she looks between them. She curls her fingers in David’s fur, gripping his neck gently as if she believes this is too good to be true, and the familiar contact will somehow lessens the blow if she gets disappointed once again. “For real?” she asks, her voice cracking slightly on the last syllable. Henry feels a huge lump form in his throat, and Alex blinks rapidly before he says, "Yes, Sweetheart, for real," his voice hoarse and unsteady. Millie’s face crumples, and she starts to cry.

Tags with no pressure : @stellarmeadow @onthewaytosomewhere

@theprinceandagcd @kj-bee @miharaikko @dezinthecloud @dwell-the-brave

@thighzp @tailsbeth-writes @suseagull5914 @tinyarmedtrex

@orchidscript @blueeyedgrlwrites @bitbybitwrites @caterpills

@ninzied @jafffacakess

[fereldanwench]

I'm not really sure why this is being brought up after almost three years, doubly so given that I haven't had any interaction with PinkyDude in probably just as long, but since he saw fit to vague about me, I'm going to address this:

I feel this is a misrepresentation of my actions and motivations during this entire situation.

I never made a call-out post specifically against Pawel. In fact, I didn't even mention him by name. I made this post because I saw history repeating itself:

As I said in the notes here, this was also largely informed my experience with the Dragon Age fandom: I witnessed how David Gaider's interactions, including responding to headcanons in a way that could be read as confirming them, contributed to a lot of fanwank. I think Pawel started the streams with good intentions, but he was clearly not trained in public relations (at least when he started), and I did have concerns with how things like the "meme review" were contributing to parasocial relationships.

I also had concerns because Pawel contributed to some misinformation that other writers had to later correct, like saying Goro had never been considered for a romance, which also caused a huge outcry in the community and necessitated another dev to come forward to set the record straight. He was straddling a fine line between being an expert/professional and being a buddy, and that can be problematic when you're interacting with 100s of people hanging on to your every word.

I have no problem with devs doing streams and interacting with the community when they have the tools and information to do it in a way that fosters healthy community interaction, which requires training. I never believed he shouldn't do them at all, and as PinkyDude noted, I enjoyed some of them when he had guests on that I was interested in. However, I did believe that he needed to be far more cautious about how he was interacting with the community, and I did express those concerns.

Mentioning this also seems to be framed in a way to insinuate that I had anything to do with any sort of spite reporting or flagging of any of his posts, and that's just false. I will admit to getting caught up in the throes of some of the drama during 2022, and I regret that and I have made a point to not repeat those mistakes, but I'd never falsely report anyone just because I didn't like them.

[prolifeedentobisa]

How Pro-Life every character is: A DRDT Ranking

Hiiii, so as the resident Pro Life Eden supporter, I thought about this for awhile and as such, I decided to make a ranking of every character from "supports killing babies for fun" to "wants to save babies".

(Note, for my own opinions, I don't really judge if you do get an abortion if absolutely NEEDED but in my opinion you need a good reason to have one (like danger to your health or the baby is dying anyway) but it should be a last resort if there's no other options. If you don't have one then I'm giving you a side eye)

Note this is my opinion and if you disagree with me that's okay X3 Tell me who you think is the most pro life in the reblogs! x3

But here we go!

16. Ace Markey

I admit, this may be a bit of a bias as I really don't like this man :c It's okay if you like him but I'm afraid I think he is pro-murder. Probably wants every baby murdered too :c

15. David Chiem

Also a bias, I'm not his biggest fan, but I believe he would love abortion sadly :c. He doesn't care for the unborn, he only cares about people who got the chance to live. However he is lower than Ace as I could see him motivating people to keep their babies and not commit murder.

14. Teruko Tawaki

This physically hurts to write. I love Teruko :c But sadly I think she would want abortion to become legalized because she probably thinks no one deserves live. I think she even HAD abortions :c I really hope she sees the light soon and becomes better :c

13. Arturo Giles

This man supports eugenics. That's my headcanon. But enough said.

12. Veronika Grebenshschikova

It's Veronika. She loves dead babies. I only have her this low because I don't think she supports eugenics

11. Arei Nageishi

We know how Arei was at the start... BUT she wants to change so... perhaps there is a chance she'll become prolife?

10. Rose Lacroix

She seems nice. I think she'd probably recommend other options before abortion. Unfortunately if you were insistent on baby killing, she'd probably send you to the nearest clinic then take a nap and not feel guilt.

9. Whit Young

He doesn't give a crap about killing babies. Do what you want, he doesn't care.

8. Charles Cuevas

This man is a man of science... but like Whit I doubt he cares. Honestly you can swap these two.

7. Min Jeung

She canonically hates kids so she might approve of abortion. Sadly I think a lot of people here are pro murder, but luckily soon we'll be into the people who are pro life! I think she'd approve of baby murder, but then I also think she knows it is murder at least. So that puts her higher above everyone else. :c

6. Nico Hakobyan

They'd direct other options to you, awkwardly. They know it's murder, but they'd try and maybe tell you to think about it first before going through? But ultimately they just want to be left alone. Though they may also bring up animals don't get abortions. xP

5. Hu Jing

She's way too sweet. She would 100% provide expecting mothers with all sorts of stuff they need. If the mother doesn't want the kid, she'd take it off them so they don't need to get an abortion. Whether she raises it herself or puts it in foster care is another story, but she would be supportive of pregnant women x3

4. Levi Fontana

Doesn't want you to go down his path. Discourages abortion. He really doesn't want you to be a killer too. He knows it's a good thing to not get abortions unless necessary.

3. Eden Tobisa

Sadly my girl is not number 1 :c. But she's still on the front lines protecting babies x3

2. Xander Matthews

It's Xander. He hates injustice. He believes in rights for all, and that includes babies! He'd also help out like Hu does!

AND FOR NUMBER ONE.....

J ROSALES

Need I say anything? She hates murderers. She hates people who happily get abortions. She wants everyone to live, and that includes babies!

Hope we all agree :3 Tell me who you think is prolife if you want! X3

Oh and Monotv thinks abortion is murder but he loves it because he loves murder

[banigarubug]

warning ;; david’s attempt

consider:

sarah, a college student home for the summer, is hospitalized after falling ill

& ellie who was seriously injured while running away from a foster placement and is placed in the bed next door

they click instantly. sarah is a sweetheart who gets along with anyone and ellie is eager to please a cool college student like any 14 year old would want to

joel and ellie … not so much

ellie gets a kick out of pissing joel off almost as much as sarah gets a kick out of witnessing it .. so ellie amps it up a notch over the course of a few days to really drive joel crazy and make sarah’s time in the hospital better

one of the nurses tells ellie laughter is the best medicine and that’s what sarah deserves. sarah is probably the first person to be nice to ellie like this. to just… accept her with a fond smile. (except maybe riley. but she’s gone now. sometimes ellie thinks sarah looks like her, just a little bit.)

but then ellie is discharged and has to go right back to the place she ran from. her social worker says no one else will take her. of course they wouldn’t.

ellie doesn’t have a phone, but sarah gives her her and joel’s numbers anyways. makes her promise to call if she wants to run again. that way sarah can keep her safe

ellie uses the elusive payphones and stranger’s cells to call sarah sporadically so she knows ellie’s alive, but other than that, it’s inconsistent contact at best. but her birthday is coming up and sarah doesn’t want a gift this year. instead she asks joel to get ellie a phone.. and he says yes. next time ellie calls sarah, it’s 3 days before her birthday, and sarah gets ellie’s address. gets joel to sign her out of the hospital to drive her there and deliver the gift in person. its the most expensive thing ellie’s ever seen and she cries and hugs sarah and then hugs joel

and joel realizes, really, that ellie’s just a kid

she’s a spitfire with a sharp tongue and a huge ego to make up for how small she really is but she’s also just some kid who has never been shown love before

so joel decides to take ellie in, a little bit

not as a foster parent - he and sarah have their hands full, she’s dropping out and the hospital bills are piling up, and ellie’s foster parents are fine anyways, just old and weird - but takes her to visit sarah once a week for a meal together - sarah calls it family dinner, behind ellie’s back but straight to joel’s face - and whenever else sarah wants the company

and maybe he brings sarah to ellie’s school once or twice to pick her up and take her to lunch … or cuz ellie was in an art gallery and the featured piece of the whole exhibit was something she made … or sometimes without sarah when she cuts class and wont tell him why so he just gets her a milkshake and listens to facts about dinosaurs until she agrees to catch the last periodd

christmas is coming up soon and ellie’s excited because she’s gotten them both gifts . for sarah its a couple things - handmade friendship bracelets and a pair of earrings she skipped a week and a half of school lunches for and she painted sarah’s pennyboard with butterflies and crashing waves and a little white moth beside a purple emperor

for joel a huge framed painting of sarah and joel with sarahs grandmother/joels mom who died when sarah was little. joel cooks all her recipes and talks about how much he misses her and says stuff like “she woulda loved you, ellie” so she’s confident he’ll love it and she knows sarah will too

but ellie gets into a fight at school. it’s not really a bad one by any means but it’s the worst her newest placement has seen and they decide she’s too complicated for them. she cant leave the state but she can leave the city, and she’s out of boston with little to no warning, moved all the way out to a “home for troubled kids” in a shitty town called silver lake all the way in berkshire county and only has enough time to frantically tell joel where to find the gifts — in a garbage bag that her art teacher agreed to hold onto

this new placement is way worse than the old people. at most they’d been neglectful. this home is … freaky . a weird religious cult, some branch of christianity that ellie’s never heard of, and all the kids living there treat the director guy, david, like he’s — well. like hes god.

ellie wants to run away again, but this time, she can call sarah! right? except she’s not supposed to have the phone and david finds that thing immediately, sniffs it out like a bloodhound and takes it from her. he makes a deal with her. if she’s good, she use it once a day to call sarah. if she’s really good she can get it back - but she cant tell any of the other girls. david says ellie is special.

ellie’s… never been special before. its gross, a little, the way david says it, but she cant complain much. he feeds her and none of her foster siblings are violent even though shes the smallest by far. she figures david will want her to do chores or handy work, some free labor and she’ll get to call sarah & joel every day. it’s no big deal

within just 5 days of living there, ellie realizes that is not what david meant when he said to be good.

at first its just the lingering touches. a hand a little too high or too low . staring in that weird too-long way .. he tucks a strand of her hair behind her ear and she feels the dirt on his fingers for hours.

and then. it’s christmas eve and she’s planning her escape (she knows where the phone is, and she’ll make a break for it. her bag is packed and she’s quick) when david brings her into his prayer-room for something.

u can infer what happens, right?

and when she’s on the ground and his hands are on her jeans she sees some metal shining as she thrashes around and something shining catches her eye and she reaches out and grabs it and its some bowl with a heavy weight at the bottom so ellie bashes it into davids skull

over

and over

and over again

until he falls on the ground and she hits him a few more times for good measure

it’s the middle of the night and snowing like a bitch but ellie wanders outside anyway and just sits on the front porch step under the falling snow

she doesnt know how much time has passed before the time the sun starts rising. but when it does she sees a very familiar big grey truck barreling towards her and ellie thinks she must be dead or dying

but sarah is out of the car before it’s even stopped and joel’s yelling at her for it and ellie’s covered in blood thats not her own so she just stands and walks to the car in a trance and figures its either the gates of heaven or actually fucking joel and sarah

(“you didnt call me all day,” sarah says later, when ellie asks about it, “i knew something was wrong.” and her phone had gps and joel had a gut feeling and her social worker had a few too many missed calls so they took it into their own damn hands and showed up for her)

ellie trips and falls and lands in joel’s open arms and sarah hugs her from the side, crowding her until the phantom touches david left behind on her skin are completely invisible

joel applies for guardianship and it is shockingly easy

sarah’s been getting better, too. transfers to the community college so she can stay in the house and ellie’s being homeschooled for a while so they spend even more time together

running out of steam i might come back to this but i was only thinking abt it all bc sarah and ellie being siblings is SOOO important to me … big sister sarah ykwim ….

[anemonia13]

Thoughts about Diavolo and Doppio

Introducion

All that ton of text exists because I didn't believe it was DID since my first time watching and reading Golden Wind. Literally from the first time seeing their actions and interactions, I thought it looked more like some sort of supernatural thing than that condition, to which I only found more confirmation as I watched. I still want to call the following examples thin, since there is a very high probability that Araki was simply going way too wild with all this mystical mysterious secrecy of the antagonist, and everything that I will give may turn out to be just the fattest wicked technique for exaggerating this, but I want to express my thoughts nonetheless. Plus, I think it might be a narrative trick after all, so I may turn out to be right in the end of the day.

Point

So, let's get it straight: the theory is that there's no DID in that story, Diavolo is not an alter-ego, but something else and probably not a human at all. And now to the specifics.

Let's start from afar: his (to make it easier to read, I'm talking about Diavolo in a generally accepted way) mother, in her words, became pregnant from an unknown man who died 2 years before his birth, and, moreover, she has been sitting in isolation from the outside world for 2 years, in a specifically women's prison without any men at all. AND, MOREOVER, the anime adaptation shows that the fetus develops in just a few hours (I’ll say a few more words about the validity of David's version later). Well, it’s impossible, well, it’s a huge nonsense, even if we consider from a seemingly scientific point of view of this universe, with which Araki tried to explain, for example, the change in physical parameters when switching egos. Here's mystical supernatural shit number 1.

Further. This particular point is relevant only for anime adaptation. Unfortunately, I haven’t found any data on how much Araki took part in its creation, I confess, but I have the right to assume that if it was approved by him and released the way we see it, it is quite a canon by which we can argue. It came out after the manga and this is quite possibly a more correct representation of events from the point of view of canon details. In the same scene, after birth, the baby's eye color momentarily changes from hazel to red, then back. This move, I want to note, is often used to show a character’s possession, usually with supernatural forces or the like. Yes, it is also used to refer to a "second personality" or some hidden nature of a character, but newborns do not have DID, it is a disorder that develops after severe repeating trauma. Mystical supernatural shit number 2.

We smoothly move on to the extreme turbidity and ambiguity of DID, and I’m not even going to talk about body changes when switching. So, DID develops, as, by the way, even in the original source is noted, as a result of a deep shock or trauma. A person dissociates from the traumatic experience, which, if severe and repetative to the point when their mind can't really survive it, results in violation of an identity integrity. It does not develop immediately and is noticeable to others, while commonly not being noticable to a person expiriensing it. And what do we see on this topic there? Nothing, only Doppio shows symptoms of dissociation, and only in situations where something threatens to expose the boss’s identity (or in other situations related to him, that’s the only way), which is strange, because I can’t even imagine such a trauma can be (i.e., it becomes a chicken-and-egg paradox: the trauma, in theory, should be related to the boss, to alter, but without the trauma there should be no boss, no alter). Other trauma is either not shown, which is a serious omission from the script, because this is no longer a mystery, but a hole, or it simply does not exist, because in the village, as far as can be seen, the attitude towards him was near normal, and his foster father is caring and loving, and has a trusting relationship with him (judging by the phrase casually thrown by the drivers from a flashback with his youth, where they warn him not to complain about an accident on the road to the priest, which seems to refer to the fact that this has already happened at least once before, and as if he would hardly have gone to him to complain if he did not trust him). Mystical supernatural shit number 3.

The same muddy and unclear story with his mother under the floor. Why is she there? For what is she there? How did she survive there? But who would know. In my opinion, it looks like some kind of some ritual-related bullshit, or at least a sacrifice to something, but I don’t undertake to make any special statements or comments here, I’m just noting and thinking. Mystical supernatural shit number 4.

Let's get to non-flashback events. POSSIBLY Diavolo is able to influence Doppio's consciousness (which does not happen in the opposite direction). This is indicated by the latter’s holy faith in the fact that he is talking to his boss on real work phones, well, that’s how he sees them, as well as the clouding and memory lapses that suddenly occur after the end of the call, which is strange, but still convenient for Diavolo, what a goddamn lucky coincidence, huh? I don't think alters are able to perform such tricks. Mystical supernatural shit number 5.

In the SCR arc, characters mutually switch bodies with closest persons. What's going on with Diavolo in that situation? He, like a self-respecting individual soul newly revealed to the audience (!), not like everyone else, not like a sucker, "attached" to someone else’s soul (it was kind of similar with Doppio before), and for time secretly sit happily in one body for two. And now, this is no longer a person suffering from DID (that is, a soul with, in our case, an ego split in two (that's PSYCHE thing)), but a whole separate being, moreover, also capable of ruling his soul as he pleases. Mystical supernatural shit number 6.

We will need some of the things from the previous point now. At the end of the arc of Ciocolatta and Secco, Diavolo not only immediately knows from somewhere that Bruno can only see souls, but he also, in order to make Doppio look like Trish for him, lends him a fucking piece of his (let me remind you, separate, like we have already found out) soul. A piece of his soul, God damn it! He (again) not only knows some unreal information about souls, he, as already said, is able to manipulate at least his own. Mystical supernatural shit number 7.

His eyes (iris and pupil), already extremely unique in themselves, are the eyes of his entity, but not his body. When he takes control of someone's body it is visible, when Bruno is in his body it is visible. Worth a mention. Mystical supernatural asshole number 8.

The last, probably the most interesting mystical, but not so supernatural screw-up lies in a small detail: when the souls of the characters in the final battle return back to their bodies, we are shown all of them, except for Diavolo's (well, more precisely they showed King Crimson as it, but this doesn't count (otherwise Diavolo is KC, lol)). Coincidence? I don't think so. More likely it was done on purpose, and this is not even attributed to the supposedly yet another creation of an aura of mysticism around his personality - at this point we seem to already know very well what he looks like... Or we don't, actually?

Conclusion

That's all, actually. The bottom line is the same: Diavolo is something supernatural, I don’t presume to say what he is exactly. This is probably all the fairly significant evidence (meaning those that are less than half conjecture) that I had. There were a lot of strange things in JoJo, inspired by some things from the real world, and then blown up to the point of "incredibility," but here they tried to tie it into some kind of pseudoscientific nonsense that I didn’t believe in. In any case, this is not the first "spirit" in this universe (it’s worth remembering Anubis), so this theory, I think, is more than valid.

So thank you for reading, it's open for discussion, since we'll never know the truth for sure (DID was the assumption of the characters of Vento Aureo, and they called it "assumption" themselves (I want to believe with all my soul Araki fooled everyone, being an unreliable narrator so Diavolo will be even more of an enigma)).

[lauronk]

Hmm... Maybe an AU fic where ellie is a singer and joel is her bodyguard? Idk

okay so this one i just did as a ficlet but also i could fully see myself coming back and fleshing this out later, it would fit so well into alterationsverse!

chasing all those stars

length: ~1.9k words tags: joel & ellie; alternate universe - modern; brief mentions of attempted assault; brief mention of someone being killed; depression; father-daughter relationship; joel's still the best dad no matter the universe; no beta we die like david

i kind of just jumped into the middle of this one, but like i said, i might come back and make more of it at some point. hope you enjoy!

Ellie doesn’t really remember a time when she wasn’t doing this. Sitting on stage with a guitar, singing songs she scribbled on napkins. First in dive bars, open mic nights, pretty much anywhere that had a microphone and a stool for her to sit on, even places she shouldn’t have been because she was too young. Her voice wasn’t really anything to write home about - she wasn’t gonna be the next Kelly Clarkson - but it was good, and really Ellie’d always had more of an eye to being a songwriter than anything. Plus…she just wanted out of her house, wanted to earn a little bit of pocket money that her foster father couldn’t touch.

But then some record exec had happened to be at an open mic one night at the Mohawk, and before she could blink it felt like Ellie had been swept away to New York to record a demo. And the demo had been well-received, and she’d been given a contract and then she was recording an album, at the grand old age of fifteen. You’ll be the next Taylor Swift, someone had said to her, and then promptly been confused when Ellie had cringed away. She had nothing against Taylor - she had the entire Red (Taylor’s Version) vault on repeat most days- but she couldn’t think of an artist more opposite than herself.

And now here she was, twenty years old, third album almost complete, three Grammys and four People’s Choice awards under her belt, management already gearing up to promote her tour, and Ellie was just…

Exhausted.

She’d bought a house out in Boston that she never got to spend time in because she was always on the road somewhere, doing some promotional appearance, on a tour, filming a music video. Never enough time for herself, barely time to do what she really loved, which was writing songs. Half of this album was songs other people had written, and Ellie felt those songs chafing against her skin every time she sang them.

Ellie’s head rolls along the back of the chair, turning until she’s looking out the studio window to where her bodyguard sits, brow furrowed as he scrolls on his phone.

At least she’s got Joel. Through all the insanity, she’s always got Joel.

He looks up at her now, corner of his lips tilting up when he sees her already looking, and he pushes to his feet when she tilts her head. He moves a bit slower these days - he’s just turned sixty, which is well past the usual age for a bodyguard, but she’s got younger, more scarily muscular men to guard her when she really needs it.

Joel is…he’s like an emotional support blanket at this point, not that she’d ever tell him that.

“You about ready to go, kiddo?”

Ellie sighs and holds out her hands for him to pull her up, which he does obligingly. He’s still strong, even at his age, still could probably hold his own in a fight. Definitely still lethal with a gun when necessary, definitely still willing to kill for her. He’d only had to do it once - and her foster father had really had it coming - but Ellie knew he’d do it again in a heartbeat.

“Yeah, let’s go.”

Joel picks up her guitar case before she can and slings it over his shoulder, guiding her out of the rented studio with a careful hand between her shoulder blades. Ellie doesn’t say anything as he loads it in the back of his SUV and opens the back door for her - he never lets her ride in the front - and he starts to drive them back to her penthouse.

She stares out the window, not really seeing their surroundings, until Joel calls her name from the front seat. He’s watching her through the rearview mirror, furrow in his brow.

“Y’alright?”

Ellie blows out a breath, watching the buildings grow taller and taller around them. Nothing against New York, really, she had just never quite pictured herself living here.

“Is it stupid that I’m unhappy?” She asks, looking down at her hands. Her cuticles are already picked raw, so she leaves them alone, instead tugging at a loose thread on her absurdly expensive designer jeans.

“Why would it be stupid?” Joel flicks on the blinker, making a right. In the distance, Ellie can see her building. Her manager had said the penthouse was a good investment, prime real estate, excellent price, secure building. And it was all those things.

But it was also all modern angles, glass, dark furniture meant more to be looked at than sat on, and so many goddamn windows. Two years with it as her primary residence and it still didn’t feel like home. It was like a crash pad instead, a place she was borrowing from a stranger - not somewhere she could see herself living forever.

“Because.” Ellie pulls on the thread even harder. “I’m rich and successful and have the life a gazillion people would kill for. What’s there to be unhappy about, right?”

Never mind that she hadn’t been able to make it work with Cat, or that her friend Riley had been killed by a crazy fan who had broken into Ellie’s last apartment, or that her foster father had tried to swindle all her money and then assault her, and she’d had to watch Joel blow the man’s brains out to save her.

It’s Joel’s turn to sigh. “Just because you're rich don’t mean you don’t have problems. You’re allowed to be unhappy.”

Ellie makes a noise of assent but doesn’t say anything else as they pull into the underground parking of her building. Joel carries her guitar again - and he’s the only one she lets handle it, seeing as how he gave it to her - and then swipes the keycard for the elevator.

It’s not until they’re upstairs, her guitar carefully removed from its case and set on its stand, that Joel nudges her to sit down on the couch. He lowers himself to the coffee table across from her and rubs a hand over his chin. He fixes her with that look that he so rarely gets, the one that says he’s about to make her talk about shit she doesn’t want to talk about.

But Ellie doesn’t stop him, because if anyone’s got the right it’s him. She stopped pretending two years ago that Joel was just her bodyguard and not the closest thing she’s ever had to family, and so had he.

“Talk to me, baby girl,” he says gently, and the knot of anxiety sitting in her chest slowly unravels.

Ellie sucks in an unsteady breath, annoyed to find herself blinking back tears, and she whispers, “I don’t know if I wanna do this anymore.”

Joel doesn’t look the slightest bit surprised by her words, just nods slowly. So Ellie keeps going.

“I always just…wanted to write songs. Didn’t really care about performing them, just needed a way to get all this shit out of me. And it felt like suddenly here I was, given all this,” she waves her hand towards the apartment she hates, “over people who worked way harder and wanted it way more. And I feel like an asshole for not being grateful enough for it, not appreciating it, just wishing I could give it back.”

The tears are flowing freely now, and Ellie digs the heels of her palms into her eyes, pressing until roughened hands encircle her wrist and gently tug.

“You’re not an asshole,” Joel says firmly. “You’re not,” he insists when she starts to shake her head, “and you ain’t allowed to bad-mouth my kid like that.”

Ellie lets out a wet laugh, the same flare of warmth erupting in her chest that she always gets when Joel calls her that. “Sorry.”

He swipes at her cheek with a thumb. “You wouldn’t be the first person to achieve their dreams and find out it ain’t what you thought it would be, Ellie. There’s no shame in admittin’ that. And if it’s makin’ you so unhappy, you can always walk away, baby. All the wealth and fame and awards in the world ain’t worth you bein’ miserable.”

“Walk away to where?” Ellie asks softly, hating how much just the suggestion of it has lifted her spirits already. Logistically, of course, it wouldn’t be that easy - she’s contractually obligated through at least this third album and one more tour in support. But after that?

After that, she could just fucking leave, and the realization makes Ellie feel like she can breathe for the first time in…years.

Joel shrugs. “Dunno, ‘s up to you to figure that out. But –” he hesitates, rubs a hand over his jaw again. “When’s your next big thing? Appearance or anythin’?”

Ellie wants to tease him for not knowing when he’s the one that’s supposed to be escorting her to all these things, but it’s not like she can think of it either, so she pulls out her phone to open her calendar. There’s over two dozen unanswered texts and another ten missed calls, and Ellie’s heart rate spikes even as she ignores them.

“Looks like three weeks from now,” Ellie says slowly. “And that’s the time where I’m supposed to be getting a few more songs down for the album.”

“Well,” Joel scrapes his palms over his thighs, “why don’t you and I take a roadtrip? I ain’t been out to see my brother since last Christmas, and he’s been on my ass about it.”

Right, Joel’s brother. The one with a lawyer wife and a toddler son, who owns a ranch out west somewhere. Ellie’s never met him, despite Joel trying repeatedly to make it happen, but she’s afraid that Tommy won’t like her or won’t think Joel should still be guarding her. And what the fuck would she do then? She can’t lose Joel.

“We can drive out there,” he says coaxingly, reaching forward to shake her knee, “spend a couple weeks relaxin’, you can do all that introspection you ain’t got time for anymore, figure out what you wanna do. Maybe even get some songs written while you’re at it.”

He says the last part teasingly, and Ellie whacks him with a pillow, rolling her eyes. “Never should’ve told you I was blocked,” she mumbles, even as she knows it’s not true. She always tells Joel everything, shit that reporters would kill to find out. He was the first person she came out to - she trusts him more than anyone else.

Joel bats the pillow away and leans down, arms braced on his knees. “We don’t gotta do that, baby. We can figure out some other way, but I just thought…couple weeks out in middle-of-nowhere Wyoming might do you some good.”

Ellie chews her lower lip, mulling it over. The more she thinks on it, the more she likes the sound of it. Even if Tommy and his family don’t like her - despite Joel assuring her repeatedly they would love her - she can at least get a bit of peace and quiet.

“I’ll even let you ride in the front seat,” Joel tacks on, grin pulling at his mouth, and Ellie feels an answering one spread across her own face.

“Swear?”

“I swear,” Joel replies, still grinning, and Ellie sticks out her hand for him to shake.

“Deal.”

thanks for reading!

[codename-adler]

is there any reason why Dan specifically? a lot of the foxes have dad issues, but Dan doesn't show any signs of trying to seek out anything romantic from older men becuz of that. if it were any fox, i feel like it'd be more likely to be Andrew? idk how old Roland is but we know he was older than Andrew, and he's a position of authority just like Wymack. I don't WANT it to be Andrew. I just feel like if it had to be someone, its him, yknow?

hmm not sure how to answer this.

i just transposed my experience onto her, as a hc, for shits & giggles. i never said i based myself on canon? was just vibing.

if i did have to justify it, i’d say the EC kind of could point that way, if you really wanted it to be as close to canon as possible? but i’d don’t! cause it’s just for fun! and not that serious!

as for the Andrew thing, um, i feel like i gotta say something. just as nothing in canon points to Danielle having lingering daddy issues / seeking much older male validation because of her past, neither does Andrew. Roland is what? a few years older, max? legally an adult (which is still BAD, in case i wasn't clear......), but not the way Wymack is, a fully grown man in his forties/fifties. he’s not a dad’s age. no dad potential whatsoever. Roland & Andrew is different than the possibility of Andrew seeking out Wymack. you have to know that. it's not the same at all.

the reason Andrew sought out Roland was not specifically bc of his age, but bc Andrew could be in control and Roland would follow his rules, for the most part. when he would not, Andrew could tie him up, and Roland would let him. if there was an age-related reason, it’d be that Roland is a mature, consenting adult in full possession of his independence. Andrew would be inclined to see that as good (for Roland). Andrew would not consider this as also bad (for himself). Roland has no authority at all over Andrew, though. not according to canon Andrew. he may have been his boss at one point, but Andrew is holding the reins of the situationship. Andrew is the one in control.

so to say that Andrew, specifically, would be the one most likely to seek out much older males is… icky. iffy. yucky. you “don’t want it to be Andrew” and why is that? bc of his past abuse, right? and you know that. you know why. i know i’m probably more on the defensive than i ought to be, but there are already harmful stereotypes in aftg when it comes to queer representations and identities. we don’t need more in fanon. i don’t need more in fanon.

Andrew grew up in foster care without a mom or a dad. if he had daddy issues, he’d most likely have mommy issues too, no? but what did he do to his mommy? killed her. for laying a finger on Aaron. that’s a mommy issue alright, but not a mainstream, freudian one. not the kind we’re talking about here. so why would he develop those with older men in parallel? he actively avoids these types of men because of the abuse he endured at their hands. not just Drake's.

it’s just. awfully close to right down saying Andrew is gay bc he was abused by men as a child. that’s a dangerous, slippery slope.

again! in case it wasn't blindingly clear and glaringly obvious! the Danielle post was about Danielle herself. David Wymack would not and never was involved. David Wymack never even knew Dan harbored these misplaced (misplaced!) feelings. she is taking this one to the grave.

if you come from the perspective of personal experience and you’re projecting too, sorry. i don’t mean to invalidate your feelings or your experience.

i think i’m done now.

tl:dr it wasn’t that serious + it doesn’t need to be made serious. just me and my dad-baggage against the world.

[j4m3s-b4k3r]

David Robert Jones

The first time I became aware of David Bowie it wasn’t as a singer but as an actor. In early 1978 I was 13 years old and my friend Phil’s mum suggested we go to the drive-in to watch a sci-fi film. Hoo-boy, I was excited! The film was THE MAN WHO FELL TO EARTH. 

It wasn’t a kid-friendly movie by any means, but a weird artsy fartsy flick. During one memorable moment, Bowie took his own eyeballs out, then goes on to remove his hair, and his cock & balls too, revealing that he was actually an alien. This prompted his girlfriend to piss herself on camera. None of this was what any of us expected. I remember we turned to one another in the car with "WTF?!" expressions. However, Phil's mum was intrigued enough to let us stay till movie's end (Phil's mum was cool).

This must have been in the wake of STAR WARS and CLOSE ENCOUNTERS, when the manager of the local drive-in probably figured that a good way of cashing in on the buzz was to show anything at all with a sci-fi slant. 

I didn’t know then that the alien with the detachable genitals was actually a singer, but figured that out a few years later, and was deff a Bowie fan by my last few years of high school. It was the dawning of the MTV/rock video era, and Bowie made a splash with his promo videos. I especially remember those for the album SCARY MONSTERS. 

There is an amusing anecdote about the video for the hit single ASHES TO ASHES. Bowie was being filmed walking up a beach dressed in the pierrot outfit he wore on the cover of the SCARY MONSTERS album, when an old man and his dog walked into shot. The crew yelled at him, to get out of the way. Gesturing at Bowie, the director said to the old codger “Do you know who this is?” The old guy looks Bowie up and down and replies “Of course I do. It’s some çµn† in a clown suit.” Bowie later said “That was a huge moment for me. It put me back in my place and made me realise, yes, I’m just a çµn† in a clown suit. I think about that old guy all the time.” 

Across the other side of the world however, a certain 16 year old was actually impressed. To me, Bowie was an enigma in a clown suit, and I was curious enough to find more of his records. Each album had a new musical style, with a new persona for Bowie to strut around in. These frequent costume & character changes were lampooned brilliantly by FLIGHT OF THE CONCHORDS in their hilarious BOWIE episode. Some people found this Bowie as chameleon shtick alienating, feeling that he wasn’t committed to anything other than his own fame. However, I loved this approach, and absolutely everything Bowie did in the 1970s - his GOLDEN YEARS.

Some of my fave albums were all of the “Berlin Trilogy” - LOW, “HEROES” and  LODGER. I recently read that the cover photo for the album “HEROES” was taken by legendary photographer Masayoshi Sukita exactly 48 years ago in April 1977. Learning that fact prompted this post, and a tribute drawing:

The Thin White Duke’s strung out early 1970s appearances on TV chat shows fostered his early image of other-worldly weirdness. Hard to say if that was simply PR posturing, or drugs (or both) because he became a charming and witty talk show guest in later decades, serving up many funny anecdotes.

Maybe that crotchety old bugger on a cold British beach had a lasting impact on Bowie, as his music definitely changed after that encounter. The early 1980s saw some of his biggest hits but (for me) he creatively sputtered throughout the rest of the decade. In 1983 I saw Bowie - who was but a tiny figure in the distance - in concert, for the SERIOUS MOONLIGHT tour. I stopped following his music around that time. However, his earlier work that I first fell in love with, has been in constant rotation on my Walkmans, iPods and home music systems ever since.

It is hard to say why some celebrity deaths are more affecting than others - after all, I don’t know any of these people personally - but learning that Ziggy had turned back into Stardust did affect me. Even though I’d not followed his work for many years, the news of Bowie's death left me surprised and saddened, and had me devouring his records & videos constantly for weeks thereafter. Amazingly, there was fresh material. While quietly battling cancer during his last years, Bowie had enough energy to make a musical play and a new album, which was released at the time of his death. A consummate showman, David Robert Jones knew that memorable exits are just as important as entrances for an unforgettable performance.

[daflangstlairde-art]

Gladiator (What if I Can't Let Go?) — Part 4 of I Still Feel Alive

Summary: On pawns and queens, rabbits and wolves, and becoming the monsters that haunt us. Or, Leo has developed plenty of pretty good coping mechanisms, he needs to fulfill his quota on the bad ones. Anything to fill the absence that awaits him. Or, “Everything I've ever let go of has claw marks on it.” —David Foster Wallace

—

Chapter 1/17 — Need

Notes: Plot picks up immediately after the ending of Heart to Heart

Chapter Warnings -Codependancy, abandonment issues -Panic attack -Minor canon-typical past/future death -Adrenaline seeking

“Ssssoooo. That all... just happened,” Leo tapped his fingers together, still coming down from... that... whole thing. 

You know, the Thing. 

The ghost had dematerialized. Great for conversations. Leo wasn't even sure if... he was still around–?

Was... wait, was he still around? 

After the whole emotional reflection stuff, the ethereal meet-n-greet with Karai, the flashbang of emotions as... as That happened, the room was quiet. 

Leo had felt his family’s Ninpō, and (somehow) he had known what was happening. And in the same-how, he knew that his family knew that had happened. Considering nobody was sprinting into the room yelling about it (the reasonable response), he assumed they were just as stupefied. 

They probably... also felt all those feelings. The absolute barrage of feelings. Like a cartoon bulldozer of feelings which left the character flattened, and now Leo had returned back to his wonderful fullness. Ahhh, it's good to be 3D again!

But, the point he was trying to make: with all that having just happened, with how barely describable it was given how purely sense-based it was, everything felt... like, a little too real now?

Leo felt pretty dang grounded. He was here. In his body. In his room. He could feel his own heartbeat, could hear his own breathing. Could smell the general scent of home. He felt like he’d had some wonderful catharsis, and now anything felt like... peace. Contentment. Quiet. Like waking up super duper early in the morning after a cuddle pile sleepover with his bros. 

So, of course, Leo’s brain had to ruin it for him. 

“Hello?” he questioned, mentally trying to feel around for the presence he’d gotten so used to it was like breathing. Like he was Velma looking for her glasses, and like he'd gotten so used to seeing with those glasses that now that they were gone–

Leo wasn't panicking. He totally wasn't panicking. He was very calm, he swore! He's the coolest guy around! 

...

That's your cue to say “The SECOND coolest guy”, he tried to prompt, but still. Nada. Quiet.

Too quiet. 

...

“Peepaw?” what other nickname irritated him? What else could Leo say to summon him? 

Look at how calm he was!

“Hey, dude, you're being unfunny,” Leo laughed nervously. He hadn't even moved from the meditation pose yet.

Did he have to meditate? Reconnect? What is going on?

...Did Sensei Leonardo just move on? Is that what happened? Finally accepted death, found his family, found peace, gone, sayonara? 

Is this it?

Is he gone?!

No, no, he can't be gone! He, he can't be, right?!

“No, no, please, I need you,” Leo got up to pace, back, forth, he needed to move. He needed to move because he was shaking and his heartbeat was erratic and he couldn't breathe. “Leo? Sensei? Hey, dude, come on, stop being lame!” Leo demanded, except his voice sounded pathetic–

(“Pathetic,” Krang Prime spat–)

What is wrong with him? Was Leo dying? Was his Ninpō gone with the ghost? Why was he freaking out?! It usually took him, like, a couple minutes to build up to this! Or, or a nightmare, or something! Leo didn't just... snap into a freak-out like this, it wasn't him! 

“Please, please you can't leave, you can't,” and Leo wanted to be firm, he did. He wanted to be a leader and he wanted to be confident, but truth is, he just– he just sounded desperate.

What is wrong with him?

“Please, please, you can't do this,” Leo was– he was crying, he was on the floor and curling into himself, his hands were shaking. The worms were never supposed to be in a can in the first place, who put those worms there?

Why was he begging?

(“You are weak–!”)

“I swear, I, I, you can eat all the noodles you want, you can– we can watch all the dad TV you want, whatever, I– I need you, I can't do this by myself–!” Leo’s voice broke and he gasped for air. He was dying. He felt like he was dying. Everything was ringing.

...And then.

“Shhhh, shh, it's okay bub, it's okay,” ghostly arms wrapping around him, a soft voice, blue, “I’m sorry I scared you, I’m here, I’m here–”

Leo felt like the tension physically bled out of him, as he exhaled in relief, immediately clutching Sensei’s presence like he'd disappear. Because he had disappeared.

“You suck,” Leo sobbed, “Why would you do that? Hm? Hm? Going for the Least Funny reward or something?” he joked, like he wasn't still in the midst of a breakdown that made him feel like he was dying.

The ghost chuckled sadly and rocked back and forth a little, holding Leo tight. There was no heartbeat, no breath, but there was the pressure of a presence. The familiarity of the sensation of his Ninpō, because it was, he was Leo’s Ninpō, Leo didn't know how he knew that but he knew it.

“I’m here, I’m here, it's okay, you can breathe, I’m not leaving you,” the ghost chanted softly. It was so rhythmic, so consistent that Leo could sync his breathing to it. It was familiar. 

Leo clutched onto him like a lifeline, coming down from the second emotional bulldozer of tonight in the shape of this panic attack.

...

...

...

And eventually, when Leo stopped feeling like he was dying, because, still, his lifeline was here...

...They talked.

It was... hard. Like a turtle shell.

Like the rocky ground of the Prison Dimension. Like the Krang’s metal exo-suit.

It was so hard, in fact, that just like those two, Leo did not want to talk about it. He didn't want to think about it. Not... not now. Not yet. 

He wasn't ready yet. 

He just needed some more time.

—

Leo breathed. 

Wow, is this prosthetic made from lead? ‘Cause he sure felt heavy, and he hasn't even put it on yet! 

...

It... Raph’s arm...

...Ugh. Leo dragged a hand down his face. Two seconds awake, and he’s already– okay. Okay, just, one thing at a time. 

He... really didn't feel like getting up. But if you always wait until you feel like it to do something, you won't accomplish anything. 

Even if his shell seemed twice as heavy, today. Even if the To Do list was twice as long. 

...

Well, maybe Leo didn't feel like getting up, today. Just one of those days, you know? What can he say, he's his father’s son. 

But he can already hear voices outside the door. It's so dang early, did a Starbucks open? Damn millenials. 

He huffed a quiet laugh to himself. 

Yeah, maybe he didn't feel like getting up, but he also didn't feel like damming everyone to their death, and he kiiiinda had to get up for that one. 

Donnie may be recently deceased, but there's so many who aren't. Mikey and April will throttle his Hamato spirit if he went and died now, hah. 

...

“...Sensei?” a groggy voice called, and Leo glanced to the side after yawning to see a sleepy Casey having just awakened. The rest of the folk in the room would be soon to follow, no doubt.

“Hey Case,” Leo smiled at him. Hah, look at his hair. It was getting longer! Good for him. 

...Although, ooh, eugho, maybe that was because they kept... having to move bases. Probably didn't have time for hair care. They were constantly moving, these days. Things... really started getting dire.

Donnie’s security systems were a huge safety net for them. And for quite a while, emergency protocol after emergency protocol, they held even after... mm. 

But there's only so much you can prep for. And now, maybe the Krang were getting the hang of things. Maybe it was just their piss-poor luck. It didn't really matter.

Anytime one of the Resistance leaders was taken down, it was a big blow. But they would live past this, too. There was no other option.

At the end (or, well, start) of the day, Leo was still pushing himself up, bracing against the wince that almost popped up, thanks to yesterday’s battle. 

At the end of the day, they still had to get up and get moving. Many may be dead, but many are still alive. 

Casey’s birthday (the one earlier in the year) was coming up. Leo would be a pretty crappy sensei if he gifted him just more grief—he’s gotten enough of that from others. 

“We’re moving again?” the kid rubbed his face, already getting up, ready for action. Leo didn't feel like getting up, but he sure did feel proud of him, boy. It was painful. Casey was such a good kid, so adaptable and determined, and for what?

...Teenager, he was a teenager. When did he become a teenager??? Oh gross Leo was old, way too many years in the Apocalypse– 

“Ye-p,” Leo replied, and up he went, on his feet, adjusting the ill-fitted prosthetic over his shoulder. At least he got some relief tonight, to be able to sleep without it and not fear it will be the death of them all. Probably won't happen again soon, and Mikey said to pay attention to the positives. 

Casey was immediately grabbing his gear, putting it on, moving to wake the others. 

Leo sighed, and joined him. 

There was more to do. There was always more to do.

—

There was an itch under his skin.

There was an animal inside of Leo that had awakened and was now clawing with hunger. Dad’s ramen were good at uuuhhh placating it (REALLY good, wow), but they weren't it. They weren't what he needed.

Weren't what he craved. 

Leo had tried meditating and showering and having a snack. Leo had tried reading comics and watching movies and playing video games. He’d tried talking to his family and stretching and training and playing chess and–

You got the picture, right? He had tried a large variety of things. 

Still, there was something. 

It settled, when he moved and trained and felt the burn in his muscles. It settled, when his heart would pick up and he'd clench his teeth during a particularly tense round of kicking Raph’s butt in combat games. It settled, when those moments from horror movies popped up on screen, the ones that made Mikey scream so hard April fell over laughing at him. It settled, when they went out for patrol, to face a mighty foe (...or just the day’s B-lister). 

So.

Ssssoooo. 

There is a perfectly reasonable and healthy–

Ugh, whatever! Leo didn't care if this was a bad idea. There, he said it. 

He could hear the crowd cheering from here! Yōkai lining the doors of the Battle Nexus. The establishment was practically humming with an energy that made that animal’s mouth water. 

The applause, the thrilled screams, the knowledge of blood and sweat and a rush. 

Leo was barely on the outskirts, ninja-ing in and sneaking around, and still. He could feel the distant edges of that rush, and he knew, yep. 

Yeah, that's where he needed to be.

He couldn't wait. As he approached her office, footsteps silent against the (conveniently, huh, thanks for that) carpeted floor, he felt like Raph after a day of intense working out, waiting for Mikey’s careful ravioli prep. He felt like when he has to drag Donnie off to bed—him, the resident insomniac—because the nerd has found a new super fascinating topic that just can't be put off until tomorrow. A certain fixation.

Anticipation. 

But ugh.

Uuuggghhh. First, he had to play talky chess. Aka: negotiate. Ugh. Boooring. 

It’s–

Yes yes yes, it's important, but that didn't stop it from being boring! 

You suggested this, you deal with it. 

...

Leo blinked, the strange sensation of ghost possession overtaking him. The ever-so-slightly different way that Leonardo held himself within the body. Probably from all those years mastering the art of fighting like an absolute badass.

“Watch and learn, loser,” Leonardo whispered, straightening up. Back and shoulders all proper and balanced, walking with confident strides, in a way that made Leo feel second-hand confidence, wow! Can this guy get any cooler??? 

Not that Leon wasn’t confident and cool. He totally is. But Master Leonardo just had that extra kick to him, you know? That oomph. And he was totally about to crush negotiation! 

“Let's hope so,” he grumbled, knocking sharply at Big Mama’s office door.

Long story short: negotiating was pretty boring. Sure, it was tense, some 5D interdimensional chess with time travel type of mental games happening; but Leo’s heart was elsewhere. All he cared about was ensuring this didn't backfire spectacularly, as his ideas often tended to. 

Leo may be here to do quote-unquote “unhealthy things”, but he isn't dragging his family into it. Threatening Big Mama with “You know if you do literally anything to me, all my brothers will happily come kick your butt and tear this place down, right?” was a pretty good card to pull. They both agreed: involving Leo’s family as little as possible would be ideal. 

(“And nothing with tentacles!” 

A chuckle, “Of course dearie, I wouldn't,”)

He was confident he could pull this off! 

More than that, he needed it to work. 

Because... well, it’s all fine and dandy, being healthy and vulnerable and showing your ugly parts to your loved ones. 

But that made Leo feel, well, vulnerable and ugly. 

(He’d seen his insides and they weren’t pretty. 

There was something wrong and broken with him. It was ugly and he hated it. He wanted to go out in the dead of night and bury it like a reeking corpse.)

But the Battle Nexus? 

Leo could be as fake and flashy as his dramatic heart wanted. He could feel cool, and strong, and awesome and also cool. He could be someone else—someone who was perfect and unbroken. And then he could go home as that good person, son, brother, friend, hero, and pseudo-father! It was a win-win!

In the Nexus, he could be the center of attention, so back home, he didn’t make everything about himself. 

And that way, this... simmering, beastly thing inside him would have an outlet. He couldn't push it away forever, its teeth and nails are sharp. And he refused to lash out at his loved ones.

...And–

And... That. 

Yeah. He hadn't forgotten.

That Thing they’d talked about.

Leo just... didn't want to think about it. Not yet, at least, just, just give him some time. 

He just needed to know, first, that he could handle it. That he won't collapse just from the concept of It. 

First, he had a show tomorrow night to get ready for. 

—

Leo was bravely tolerating his reflection, rubbing on his face... some sort of cream. He actually wasn't completely sure what it's supposed to do, or, like, if it even really worked? But hey, dad had given it to him! 

(Possibly after April had, lovingly, near-throttled Leo for using her products–)

And it just felt nice on his skin! Like, refreshing and soothing. And it smelled nice. And it was nice to do some self-care, insert sparkles, play the Barbie soundtrack. Still missing the luscious blond locks. After everything he's been through!

”Krang Killer,” he suggested to the ghost hanging around. Incorporeal, only visible to him right now.

“...Okay, first off, you didn't kill any Krang–” he rolled his eyes. Buzzkill. That's one of the coolest ones Leo’s thought of so far!

“What about the little one, hmm? I portal-chopped him with the Technodrome!” he argued.

“Almost no one knows they were called the Krang,”

...Ugh, good point. 

“...Okay, fine, hmm.” what’s another cool stage name... “Alien Annihilator,”

“You're in a mood for alliteration huh?” El Fantasma raised a ghostly eyebrow. “Bit xenophobic though, I mean, what if some friendly aliens show up?”

Another good point, dammit.

“Ugh, you're right, we wouldn't want to drive off the friendly aliens–” Leo grumbled, tying on his mask. “Oh, wait, aren't I supposed to wear, like, a costume? I don't have a costume!” tragedy! Worst thing that has ever happened to him! How could he be flashy and cool without a cool flashy costume?! 

“I’m sure Big Mama would have something for you in a ditty,” Phantom Freeloader reassured dryly.

“You think she can also think of a name?” 

“Oh sure, the birthmother of such bangers like Kid Cthulu,” Leonardo drew out.

Leo shuddered. “Euguy, don't talk about birth and Big Mama in the same conversation,” gross. 

He turned around to check himself over a little. 

It was easier to look at himself, at least on good days. 

He had the arm from Donnie which was so super duper cool. He’d washed his mask, so it was a clean blue, just the hue he liked most; long tails trailing down, perfect for dramatic billowing in the wind, hah. Mikey liked to paint the back of his shell, sometimes, like it was now—over the blue filling in the cracks, following their path. Making them be flowy and ornate, instead of jagged; matching them up with the natural pattern of his carapace. Sometimes he added other decorative little details in a whole spectrum of colors, too. 

Currently it was like branches with pink flowers, which was both adorable and looked AWE. SOME. What were they called? Japanese cherry blossoms? Apparently, pink looked AMAZING against his blue, since they were... something something color theory. And the reddish-brown branches complimented his red stripes, and the little yellow flower dots that bees love were yellow to compliment his yellow stripes. 

They’d also decorated Raph’s shell, and the three of them had taken SO many photos, which Donnie had squirreled away to his archive like a gremlin. Leo really had to grill him for copies. 

Complete that with fresh new black wraps that weren't torn and bloodied? His pouches turned into a whole neat utility belt? 

(Donnie had totally copied him on that last part, but Leo had bullied him into claiming that it's because they are twins, so he had permission.)

It all looked sick! If the Nexus watchers didn't think he was supremely cool, they are stupid.

“...What about,” Master Leonardo had been contemplating, “Something in another language? Spanish maybe?” he suggested, and Leo’s eyes, still admiring the art on his back, lit up with an idea. Time to open Google Translate, baby!

—

(Additional notes: I won't be posting all chapters to Tumblr, just this one. The rest will be on ao3.)

[sapphojennyhumphrey]

I can't believe I never mentioned this to you BUT. late last year I did a full rewatch of the fosters (a show I hadn't watched an episode of In Years), and well... I love getting my friends into shows with very little active fandoms because this shows fandom barely has one.

callie, played by maia mitchell (aka mack from teen beach movie), she's the main character who just got out of juvie and is placed in a new foster home. she makes probably the worst decisions in tv history that serena van der woodsen has some competition. like callie will cause problems and run away at the nearest opportunity. she has some good romances (sans her foster brother) that even kisses her female friend, ximena and it's never brought up again

brandon, played by david lambert, is kind of insufferable, he's like dan by take away most of dan's charm. he dies get better later on in the show and I can't really hate him entirely because He's A Teenager who does stupid things and has the Worst Luck in love ever from pursuing a relationship with callie who's his foster sister to moving out of his house to live with his 22 year old girlfriend who has a kid when he just turned 18 (they met when he was still 17). his only good love interest we meet in the latter half of season 4 who honestly really makes him better. though I will give him credit that he made multiple songs for a romeo and juliet musical for his senior project

mariana, played by cierra ramirez is my favorite character. she's 14 at the start of the show and she's Kimd Of Annoying but also that's what makes her amazing. also once again, she was 14 at the start of the show and I don't expect anything less from a 14 year old. she's a dancer, she's a genius in robotics class, she can sing, she was the lead of her brothers play, she got into MIT, she kisses her female friend emma in front a guy she likes and his girlfriend to prove she's not into him, she's a blabbermouth, she had her mini gossip girl era where she has a burnt twitter account and spills secrets on anonymous, she steals her twin brothers adhd pills, she secretly meets up with her birth mom. like she's fucking awesome and I love her.

jude, played by hayden byerly, is callie's little brother and is a Baby Gay. like in the earlier seasons, he's just the little brother you wish you had and also is the least problematic of the main bunch. his coming out arc in the first 2 seasons is amazing and I love it so much

jesus, played by jake t. austin (aka max on wizards of waverly place) and then recatsed with noah centineo (aka, the male lead of about almost every netflix romcom). hes mariana'a twin brother. there's a lot to say about him but also not much. he just kind of dates around. he does have a arc in season 4 and 5 where he has a TBI and it's a very interesting story arc for his character. especially since prior to the recast, he gets into a car accident and goes off to wrestling camp for the first half of season 3 and then comes back post recast and the reactions to it being "you're so tall now!" "what have they been feeding you there?" and it's fucking hilarious

the moms, stef and lena. stef, played by teri polo, her main flaw is being a cop but her story of internalized homophobia even though she's out is a very sad journey for her, especially with her dad being unsupportive of her being a lesbian. that she has struggled with her attraction to women for the longest time that she ended up marrying a man named Mike, Brandon's dad and they got divorced (but are still close to covalent brandon) and she falls in love with lena. lena, played by sherri saum (aka dr. holland in gossip girl) is comfortable with her sexuality and has supportive parents, we do learn a lot about her family and lena has a couple episodes about her mixed race identity and not feeling like she belongs anywhere

there's a bunch of other characters but I'm mainly focusing on the main characters. like this show is Insane and I'm shocked it got 5 seasons. and the fact it was airing around the time PLL was and was on the same network where the fosters called out how inappropriate and disgusting it was for an adult/minor relationships and idk if it was the writers of that show calling out PLL or not. Probably not but To Me, it is. and I just find the irony of that hilarious since both are on the same network

ahh that’s cool! that last part about the comparison to pll is v interesting to me - plus i love family drama in general. the way you talk about all the characters - esp stef and lena, i love mothers in fucked up media - is so realll. adding it to my list to watch if i have time ignoring the 50 shows i still haven’t finished oop

[sad-boys-book-club]

"&" Ampersand - A Literary Companion: Intros & Narrators

Hey everyone!

I'm excited to dive deeper into the literary companion I created for Bastille's upcoming project “&”. As you might realize from my previous post, each song has been paired with two books that complement its themes, so I’ll be breaking down why I chose each one of those books for each song.

Let's start with our first gorgeous, chef's-kiss of a track Intros & Narrators.

David Foster Wallace - "Oblivion: Stories"

This one might be a more obvious choice, as Dan’s lyrics explicitly refer to Wallace in the pre-chorus with “David talked about the daily trenches of adult life.” For anyone who might not be familiar with David Foster Wallace, I think most of his work can be a bit intimidating—who wouldn’t feel discouraged when facing the 1,079 pages of Infinite Jest? It gives me tendinitis just to consider the endeavor! But he’s a really talented (although controversial) author and a certified name you’ll see on multiple ‘1001 books to read before you die’ kind of lists.

I first came across his writing when I was still in university (Journalism grad here), when an overly excited J02 professor claimed that Consider the Lobster had changed his outlook on post-modernist literature. At the time, I was a bit skeptical—all I’d heard were jokes about hipsters carrying copies of Infinite Jest without ever reading it—so I did some digging into who this highly regarded author was. Not to take up much of your time, dear reader, so if you’re interested in learning more about him, I recommend checking out the movie The End of the Tour, which follows David Lipsky (Jesse Eisenberg), a reporter with Rolling Stone magazine, as he interviews DFW (brilliantly played by Jason Segel) during his book tour. It’s a bit of a depressing watch though, as Wallace struggled with depression, alcoholism, drug addiction, and suicidal tendencies, which eventually ended in him ending his own life.

Anyhow, back to Bastille and some less depressing topics.

The reference in "Intro & Narrators" is a direct reference to David Foster Wallace‘s 2005 commencement speech to the graduating class at Kenyon College. The speech is long, definitely worth reading in its entirety, but if I could pick one single bit that feels the most relevant it is as follows:

“Probably the most dangerous thing about an academic education—at least in my own case—is that it enables my tendency to over-intellectualize stuff, to get lost in abstract argument inside my head, instead of simply paying attention to what is going on right in front of me, paying attention to what is going on inside me. As I’m sure you guys know by now, it is extremely difficult to stay alert and attentive, instead of getting hypnotized by the constant monologue inside your own head (may be happening right now).”

The speech ended up becoming the posthumously published book This Is Water, however, I think Wallace's third and last short story collection, Oblivion: Stories (which I’m now wondering if it inspired the band’s Oblivion too), feels like a much better choice thematically and might be a better introduction to Wallace’s body of work. Just like the song, these short stories delve into the unreliable nature of our perceptions and the complex narratives we construct about our lives. Wallace's verbose, complex, convoluted style (including a bunch of words you might have to search online, at least, I did) works really well in those short stories, and is a sort of joke into the whole idea of an "unreliable narrator"—I think he’d argue that no one can be actually reliable when it comes to speaking about ourselves.

Aparna Nancherla - "Unreliable Narrator: Me, Myself, and Impostor Syndrome"

A lighter read, because life is all about finding a balance between existential musings and humor, Nancherla's book is a candid exploration of personal identity, mental health, and the ever-present impostor syndrome. Aparna Nancherla, a stand-up comedian and actress known for her roles in BoJack Horseman, Master of None and The Standups (also, for publishing a lot of essays on the New York Times), brings her unique voice to a collection of essays that tackle personal identity, mental health, and the ever-persistent specter of impostor syndrome.

Imagine a painfully timid person thrust into the limelight, grappling with a skyrocketing career and the gnawing fear that everyone will soon discover she’s a total fraud. That’s her reality, and she shares it with a raw vulnerability that is both touching and hilariously relatable. As a South Asian woman navigating the overwhelmingly white, male-centric world of comedy, Nancherla’s insights are as sharp as they are entertaining. Be warned, though, you'll laugh, yes, but you’ll mostly find yourself nodding along, recognizing some of the truths she unearths about self-doubt, mental health and the human experience.

With a background in Psychology, Nancherla doesn’t just present her experiences; she backs them up with research, adding depth to the whole thing. There’s a saying that comedy is the refuge of the chronically sad, and Nancherla embodies this paradox perfectly (as do, famously, a lot of stand-up comedians—Bo Burnham’s pandemic-inspired Netflix special Inside, immediately springs to mind). Stand-up comedy can often create the illusion that comedians are perpetually happy-go-lucky individuals, effortlessly tossing out jokes right and left in their day-to-day life. That is so far from the truth. You’ll find most of them are actually perfectionists with a capital P and little control freaks, obsessing over every word and timing to make sure their jokes land perfectly (this is not a dig at comedians, the same can be said for any other creative profession: writers picking out the perfect dialogue, actors who go method to embody a character, musicians who just can’t seem to stop tinkering with a melody…). 

Why does this book pair so well with this song, you ask? Well, both Nancherla and the song delve into the concept of being unreliable narrators of our own lives, often judging ourselves more harshly than anyone else ever could. The struggle of introverts in the public eye, the tug-of-war between creating art and performing a persona—these themes echo through Nancherla’s essays and Bastille’s lyrics. 

That's it for this one. Stay tuned as I continue to break down each song and its literary companions. I hope these pairings enhance your listening (and reading) experience.

Feel free to share your thoughts and any other book suggestions as well!

With love,

Cat