#but that irrational sadness ends at minions shit

[mjrtaurus]

I just realized a Modern AU Luffy would be more or less at the right age to have gone through a Minions phase as a kid.

Dragon would have had to sit through hearing those little chattering bouncy butter pats not just on the TV on accout of Luffy watching the Despicable Me films on repeat, but through all the various toys scattered all over the house. He'd get up for a drink of water at night and nearly have a heart attack from the ear-bleedingly loud "BANANA!" that resulted from him stepping on a Minions doll.

He considered giving Luffy's old Minions stuff to Bonney, but decided against it because Kuma is far too sweet of a man to be subjected to that. Actually, he's pretty sure donating them to any family would count as domestic terrorism, so Crocodile had Daz run them over and dump them in the nearest landfill.

It’s a testament to how damned annoying those things are for him to have them destroyed instead of donated. Dragon DESPISES things going to waste. He will mend plushes and fix up toys because he knows there are kids out there that deserve to have toys but are in a place where they can’t be afforded.

But those little yellow fuckers? Landfill. No parent needs that torture. No child needs that brainrot. He has to suffer through enough just from his dad’s Facebook page.

Thankfully Luffy has gone from those god-awful things to that lego series of anatomically correct (as possible) insects, and those are really cool actually. He got Luffy the Hercules Beetle one right away and they’re moving down the line until they get the whole set. He’s about halfway through assembling the praying mantis as we speak. After that, there’s the blue morpho butterfly.

The whole fixation on interlocking pieces has infected him, too, because now he’s learning how to use a 3D printer and thinking about getting a small one for his little garage workshop so he and Luffy can make some really cool stuff to put together. Dragon’s got his eye on a few designs for those little articulated- well, dragons- that look like they would make for some excellent stim toys.

Also might be looking into commissioning an artist for a 3D model of a deinosuchus skull for printing… for reasons…

[hanzi83]

Blog

I know when this depressing asshole complains about his “imaginary” plight, that most people don’t want to admit they see or actually believe they see, nonetheless it is me not doing anything creatively productive, because I live in fear with how people are planting seeds and purposely concerning me with what kind of things they are told to say about me and since I already assume, I am being watched and monitored, they are looking to goad me into a response so I say something threatening in the heat of the moment to convey that I am unstable, and constantly need me to lose my mind.

I constantly have to increase the medication because of the targeted harassment I have claimed to be facing, and people can keep saying that it is in my head, but regardless the illness to me is there. I have put so much out there because I felt I had no other choice, because if I don’t journal or write blogs about the mental illness I am always facing, I would probably end up trying to do something to me or someone else, and I would never want anything like that to happen, so I need to put out irrational thoughts, and that has always been my problem with the mental illness awareness. Yeah there is awareness now, and we are talking about it, but if people with huge platforms never want to disclose why certain people lose their mind, especially in their field of work, it has to be on them solely, because you can never disclose, what my perception is, that something sinister goes on at higher levels whether things are staged or orchestrated to happen. Not saying there isn’t a good side to all this, but there has been an evil side for so much longer that it has taken precedence.

I have put out the theories that I am being targeted for speaking my mind about how the system is run and how certain people in positions of power have the back up in real life and the minions online to fuck with you, and now the spinoffs of the show I used to call in have continued harassment. Because this person uses the Stern techniques and has basically mastered it, I can recognize them a lot better and now after declaring I don’t want to be on that show, he will calm down for a bit, and then try to goad me into a response. He convinces me and bites his tongue to make it seem he won’t pick on me, or try to treat me like shit. But then because I am engaging with other trolls who show up to my platforms to start something, I try to fight back against them for even attempting it, and now this person notices that I pay that attention, so now Mr. Nice Guy goes out the window, and now he is sending clips of me ranting irrationally about how someone associated probably fucked the Whack packers because it seemed she had an obsession with them and trying to manipulate it, and then they had someone with the same name show up a few days ago, and now they probably gave her the clip of me from months ago, and made it seem like it was about this person to start drama.

It is really sick and perverse how they want to attempt me to call back in and then have the nerve to play dumb about this. He then goes on to put it out there that I am making bombs and that I am a terrorist. I don’t have any connection to any terror group, nor do I make bombs, when I can barely fucking function with technology or even waking up from my over extended naps. I wouldn’t even have the time, with how much I am constantly catching up with stuff to be caught up with the culture, even though I can’t retain most of it and then worry if I will copy something because I have seen so much. I am too dumb and lazy to be making bombs.

I know it is sad to have to clarify this because most people know I am not a violent person. They know I don’t fuck with that evil shit and I am the least harmful guy out there, I might have my manic episodes, and what I post online irrationally might not be the best look, but I do it to clear my head out and even if it means people have to see for themselves what this ugly poisonous mental illness has manifested into. I would rather do that then actually become violent because this is how people get radical. I know people in the independent circuit don’t think shitting on someone in a targeted fashion could drive someone to go off the deep end, but if the person is mentally ill then it could very well happen, and it is a shame that people will never discuss the true ugliness and cause of the mental illness. They poison the water, you don’t think they would try to poison minds from the get go? They have their minions online to do it and cause people to lose their minds.

I know what most people say, “Well get off the internet”, fair point but why do people have to be assholes? It isn’t just assholes that are randomly online, in my opinion; it is people to specifically target people. Some people do it for the sake of good, but there are a lot more doing it for evil and will then drive someone to suicide and then get on their high horse on their main account and talk about being nice to each other and being positive about stuff.  I want to keep record of what my mind was like for the last several years of doing the blogs on this platform, and I can’t even find the old MySpace blogs and would be curious to see how my mind was back then, because it was kind of liberal, but still had the centrist like attitude, to where in 2011-2013 or so it was kind of leaning more alt right, before it became what the alt right was. I want it to lead back to showing how far this goes back and what has become of my spiritual journey, because god knows I don’t leave my house enough to have real journeys, but it is to show that I have always been honest about what I feel, and if something does happen, I want people to know there has always been these messages and warnings that people were going to fuck with me.

This person I have been referring to vowed to troll me and be ruthless and even said he wanted to get me to kill myself and even though he is mentally ill, he is surrounded by people who encourage his behavior while pretending on air to be the one who is condemning it to a degree, yet continue to stay on the air with him. It is sick and it is evil. I don’t want to go back, but I need to keep an eye on him because he has been rumored to be giving peoples personal information out and trying to fuck with them by any means, because in my opinion he has been co-opted by Stern etc and is been given the keys to the kingdom for doing the dirty work and can use the techniques that Howard uses and continue to fuck with people’s heads and what happens when you do it to me, nothing because nobody cares and even if people were aware I have made so many enemies that no one will ever go to bat to help expose this.

They want to keep putting it out there I am a terrorist, I am a radical, and that I have weapons. Maybe they are just joking but part of me feels if they aren’t doing it to set a narrative because they want the online people to talk about how dangerous I am, then the very least they are making me think they are doing that and they want to set off another manic episode and they are waiting for me to threaten and do something. I have contacted various news outlets but what can they really do? I have no proof and it is all a hunch. I am sure if they are organizing this, they would have protected their groups and it is under some type of secret network or different internet. I am not the only one this happens to, but I am able to convey this in some sort of intelligent way. I could be too sensitive and need a safe space from all the triggering like all these alt right people say, but they never disclose that they aren’t paid to go online in packs and basically put so much energy to fuck with people, and these people are fucking parents and this is the kind of shit they are dong for “fun”. It is bullshit.

What scares me the most if that this person has channeled how to act like Stern completely. I am trying to defend myself from this shit but if I do videos, he plays them on his show so he can have some sort of content from me; he even has me on the banner of his video page. He gets off on mentions of him and I don’t want to but I have no other choice. I would rather him put up my blog, because he won’t read much from it, and it will be something to make me look bad out of context. I got those Stern Show vibes, in the way he has used people for his circus and they go to lengths to get people to lose their mind by having people pretend to call in or have one of their characters play the bad guy so you can make them feel like utter shit. They were trying to mess with this woman with misrepresenting the video I had a couple of months ago cussing out someone else and then making it seem it is about her, and when that didn’t work, they got one of their people to start calling in and call her a whore and when people fight back, their community just says “Well this personal attacked so and so” like they weren’t being goaded into a response.

This is the legacy that Stern has left behind, is people to think they can do what he does and use his tactics to fuck with people, and it isn’t good enough that they are constantly spreading online rumors about me being a terrorist and having weapons, when I don’t have any access to anything, and then when it doesn’t get the reaction they want, they become more aggressive. They play nice for a bit and say they want me on, and then because them “kissing my ass” doesn’t work, they proceed with the evil tactics of trying to get me to lose my mind.

I feel silly about writing about it but I have to make sure that this shit is jotted down. They have already tried to get someone on their show to say that I was sexually harassing her when I suspected they were fucking with me and organizing fake accounts to make me feel like utter shit, and then when I wrote blogs about it, they stopped that and offered me wrestling tickets and because they have this obsession with Trump and pretend that other people are snowflakes, when they can’t even take criticism about him, it started to feel like an alt right show. I didn’t want any part of it. I hope this person gets the help he needs, because he uses his for evil and he has taken everything negative from Stern and used it as his disposal. He has become entirely too cocky about this shit and the reason why is because I believe he is connected to the Stern Show in some capacity. Stern won’t mention him, but it is funny that it is supposed to come across like he is against them to some degree and he won’t let anyone from his show go on because Howard will kick them off the show, but personally I believe, and again I have no proof, that he doesn’t want people on because it fuels that rumor of there being some sort of connection to his show and he is trying to distance himself from even associating with them, let alone acknowledging them to any level.

I will continue to mention this because I think they have hacked different things of mine and then denying it. I have brought attention to this so they can be investigated for what they are doing to me, but again you can request that under a hunch, when it seems just as familiar as what Howard would do to others on his show to face the mental abuse because it is in his DNA to humiliate people for his amusement while he profits off it. People from the show, their people in their lives have all profited off it in any regard and have used the characters as guinea pigs and if you protest in any capacity, they will use their collective power to bully you into submission, whether it is directly or secretly with the work of their connections. It is really questionable why people haven’t even looked into the matter, it is like everyone is getting in trouble for the littlest thing yet someone such as Stern can get away with whatever he has gotten away with. He has managed, in my opinion, to wash his hands from all this and has people working round the clock, like many others in that world do, and then people wonder why people are losing their minds.

The narratives are limited and people in the media are bought off and now that Trump has fucked with the media, now anyone who criticizes the media, get labeled Trump supporters or right wing. That is why he keeps winning and his base will remain stronger than usual because they have convinced people he was anti establishment and calling out the system, while he parrots shit that online conspiracy theorists have posted online for a good part of the decade, when he clearly is no way representation of the truth. It is scary what these people can do to others and how badly they can break them down. They hate that I have not harmed myself or anyone because they have continuously tried to push me over the edge and the genius is if I state these things as opinions, no one will take it seriously, no one will acknowledge it because I am not supposed to be this important, and the longer it goes on this way and I just keep repeating myself, it will just get boring for people and they will continue to roll their eyes. They won’t even do the right thing and kill me. It is a lot more amusing for them for me to complain again and again and over and over.

So again, I am not a fucking terrorist. I don’t intend on hurting anyone, and harming myself. I just wish I was gone so I never have to see the people that partake in this or have partook in this because they have helped cause severe damage and it will continue to get worse. I know my plight is not top on the priorities of media outlets but if something happens to me and you cover it after the fact, don’t pretend to feel bad or feel any empathy for me. I have warned people for so fucking long these people will try to fuck with my life more and more and try to get me to snap. None of these people actually want to get to the bottom of the mental illness thing, because it is much sexier for them to capitalize off the awareness aspect and having this positive and emotional speech about how it is sickness, and not actually disclose the sickness running into the system as a whole.

Now the person I have been talking about will put this on his show, so he gets some kind of fix from me, and then pretend no one follows this blog, while not so ironically talking about the blog and reading a few sentences from it and then start something else with me over and over. This person is dangerous and it is not because it is him on his own, he has powerful people backing him and they keep him confident. He is going to drive some of the people in his crew to fucking lose their mind. People are trying to distance themselves from him because it is coming across like 90’s Stern Show where anything for content will work, even if it means someone has to literally cry themselves to sleep or have to take shit to cope with the pain. It is disturbing. I hope this person grows a conscience but he is more concentrated on getting as much content on his show even at the expense of them losing their mind and getting into conflicts with family.

I hope you are happy Howard. You can say I am insane, but I will always blame you for adding to this and perpetuating it and getting your staff to pull this off because they are subservient slaves to you and are miserable in their fake marriages that don’t mean shit and the kids they don’t actually love, and would probably make deals for their souls in the future because that would be their punishment for selling their dignity. I will never forgive you for what you have done and anyone who you have sent to fuck with me, or told to make my life a little miserable, even if it is people I personally know, you are fucking deranged

[fionatlux]

STILL STAR-CROSSED SERIES FINALE

So… that happened. I’m not going to say much on this platform about the series as a whole. There were a lot of ways in which the project was mishandled on many levels: promotionally, yes, but also on the level of narrative, dialogue, and character (to say nothing of my loathing for the CGI camera zoom). There were also good things about it: the gorgeous and talented cast, the sumptuous costumes, the locations; the innovations of the source material into what is, I would argue, a very tired tale. As flawed as it was, I have a lot of affection for the show. And if you want more Rosaline/Benvolio goodness, go read the book by Melinda Taub (delicious bickering) and then Prince of Shadows by Rachel Caine (the slowest of slow burns). 

Without further ado:

[Episode 1 / Episode 2 / Episode 3 / Episode 4 / Episode 5 / Episode 6]

EPISODE 7

Previously On

CAPULET: BURN IT ALL DOWN.

LADY CAPULET: Same!

  The Gates of Verona

[An awkward party on horseback approaches the city gates.]

BENVOLIO: shit, I can’t believe Roz betrayed me!

ROSALINE: shit, I can’t believe B. didn’t notice that we were surrounded by armed guards under the command of a guy we knew to be plotting a hostile takeover of Verona!

PARIS: What a nice city. Pity about that giant column of smoke marring the roofline.

ESCALUS: Everything will be fine once I execute Benvolio!

Casa Capulet

[Everybody is happy to see Rosaline, who eyeballs Paris with dislike and suspicion.]

PARIS: See, I rescued her just like I said I would!

ROSALINE: You better not have hurt my baby sister or I will END you.

LIVIA: Rosaline!

ROSALINE: Livia!

CAPULET: Paris!

[Capulet is a lot more excited to see Paris than he is to see his niece.]

ROSALINE: Livia, can I help you get dessert so we can talk in private?

[Nope. A carriage from the palace has arrived for Lady Rosaline! Because this went so well the last time she was summoned to the palace.]

  The Smoking Ruins of the Capulet Montague Cathedral

MONTAGUE: HOW DARE HE! Capulet has ruined generations of work!

[It’s generations of Capulet work, but whatever.]

LADY M: This means war!

  Casa Capulet

PARIS: Rosaline knows too much and is impervious to blackmail! Can I kill her? Can I can I can I?

LADY CAPULET: I seem somewhat subdued by my recent visit to Juliet’s tomb, so no, you can’t.

PARIS: blah blah blah, metaphors, look, this whole thing was your idea, my minions are doing an awesome job of trashing the city, too late to stop now, etc.

[They both seem unaware that it was Capulet, not their clandestine army (“The Fiends”), who torched the cathedral.]

LADY CAPULET: I have a bad feeling about this.

  Escalus’s Bedroom, The Palace

ROSALINE: Can I talk to you? I really need to talk to you.

ESCALUS: Nope, I’m gonna do the talking. I love you!

ROSALINE: …

ROSALINE: I longed for years to hear you say that but WOULD YOU SHUT UP for like five seconds? This is important! Benvolio didn’t kidnap me, we were finding out who’s behind the civil chaos and it’s Paris and he’s plotting to take over your throne!

ESCALUS: …

ESCALUS: so what I’m getting from this is, you knew I wanted to see you so you USED ME to… tell me really important information that I should know? HOW DARE YOU. I FEEL SO BETRAYED.

ROSALINE: Also Benvolio is innocent, could you maybe not kill him?

ESCALUS: But I have already used him as a scapegoat because of my own jealousy and irrational possessiveness toward you! I am genuinely convinced that executing him for crimes he didn’t commit will unify the city and bring peace!

ROSALINE: ok, 1) you are literally the worst, do you not realize that a Capulet pleading for the life of a Montague is exactly the outcome you originally wanted from this bonkers marriage plot? and 2) give me 24 hours to prove his innocence.

ESCALUS: ok but only because I love you, not because I actually care about justice.

ROSALINE: Close enough!

  The Palace

[Isabella is back! Hi, Isabella!]

ISABELLA: I saw the smoke and heard Montague is preparing revenge, what’s up?

ESCALUS: nbd, I totally have a plan! oh and Benvolio is chilling in the dungeon and Rosaline is back safe thanks to Count Paris of Mantua.

ESCALUS’S LONG-SUFFERING ASSISTANT: There’s something about that guy I just don’t like!

[My working hypothesis: Paris, in addition to plotting with Lady Capulet to take over Verona, is actually Bluebeard and has a room full of murdered wives back in Mantua.]

ISABELLA: Well, cool. Here is your treaty I got the Doge to sign! I was manipulative and awesome and blackmailed a bunch of people and fell in love with a pretty blonde lady named Helena, tell you about it later, right now I need a nap.

ESCALUS’S LONG-SUFFERING ASSISTANT: “nbd, I totally have a plan!”? Oh, Sire.

  The Dungeons

[Rosaline has bribed, or at least substantially tipped, the dungeonkeeper.]

BENVOLIO: Come to twist the knife you stuck in my back, Capulet?

ROSALINE: Really? We’re back to using surnames? OK quick recap: 1) Paris has my sister, 2) he was going to kill us all if I didn’t play along, 3) I have 24 hours to get proof of your innocence because Escalus has suddenly decided to implement certain parts of due process when it is convenient for him, 4) my plan is to get the Nurse to testify, 5) obviously I will not let someone of your hotness get executed, any questions?

BENVOLIO: No, I think you covered everything. Could you hurry, though? This dungeon is doing nothing for my hair care routine.

  Casa Capulet

ROSALINE: I need you to tell Escalus what you know! also I can’t believe you let Paris seduce my baby sister, what the hell?

THE NURSE: I need to think about it, ok?

CAROLINA THE SERVANT: *lurks ominously behind a pillar*

  Casa Capulet

[The next morning, there is a magnificent wide shot of the Capulet courtyard water feature and then a piercing scream from Lady Capulet. The Nurse, unsurprisingly, lies bludgeoned to death at the foot of the stairs. Lady Capulet seems genuinely distraught. Everyone’s dressing gown game is extremely strong; it is like a scene out of Poirot.]

PARIS: I really did not think you would be so distressed at the murder of the woman who raised you and your dead daughter! Look, you wouldn’t let me murder Rosaline, this was the next best thing.

LADY CAPULET: *tear*

  The Palace

[To prepare for what will surely be a super awkward interview, Rosaline is dressed in yet another extremely fetching gown-cloak combo. I laugh when Escalus and Isabella wear the same outfit for three episodes, but Rosaline’s clothes are gorgeous and she wears them gorgeously and deserves many beautiful outfits, and also to be taken seriously by those in power.]

ESCALUS: Did you get proof?

ROSALINE: No. My witness was murdered, but that would take too long to explain.

ESCALUS: Oh, that is so sad for you, very tragic, no one regrets more than I, etc.

ROSALINE: I kind of doubt that.

ESCALUS: Well, you were alone and unchaperoned outside the city walls, there might be gossip!

ROSALINE: I honestly cannot believe that you care more about my virginity than justice. No, wait, I can believe that, I just think you’re stupid and the patriarchy is stupid and virginity = virtue/honor is a shitty social construct invented to oppress women. Also I’m pretty insulted that you don’t think my testimony is sufficient proof of Benvolio’s innocence. Given the fact that I was there the whole time.

[That’s my girl! I may have embellished slightly, but I’m sure this is what she would have said if the writers had thought of it!]

  The Dungeons

[I’m okay with the camera-zooming through this bit, because it’s all leering emaciated prisoners at odd angles in uncomfortable spaces and the surreal quality is effective. The camera zooms in on B., who is looking depressed.]

[…Nothing happens, the camera just zooms in on B. looking depressed and then cuts away to...]

  The Palace

MONTAGUE: You expect me to sign a peace treaty with the guy who burned down my cathedral?

CAPULET: Technically, it was my cathedral.

ESCALUS: Whatever. I will execute Benvolio and you will both call it square, agreed?

CAPULET: Agreed!

MONTAGUE: …I guess?

  A Wisteria Arbor, Casa Capulet

LIVIA: The Nurse was always kind to me!

PARIS: We should elope!

LIVIA: …?

  The Room Formerly Known as Juliet’s Room, Casa Capulet

CAROLINA THE SERVANT: Livia and Paris have eloped! So romantic!

ROSALINE: This is all your fault! How could you throw my sister at that murdering jerkface?

LADY CAPULET: He would never hurt her! Probably.

ROSALINE: He murdered the Nurse, and Juliet would be ashamed of you, and you should feel terrible!

[Lady Capulet actually does look like she feels terrible.]

ROSALINE: You are clearly going to be no help. Rosaline out!

 Maison Montague

LADY M: Remember how you poisoned our older brother? It would be so tragic if anyone ever found out!

LADY M: Also I thought at the time that letting Tiny Benvolio live was a bad move, and I was right.

[Well, that explains a lot.]

  Escalus’s Bedroom, The Palace

ESCALUS: All Montagues are terrible and you are the scum of the gutter! Unprincipled, undisciplined—

BENVOLIO: —don’t forget “often drunk”—

ESCALUS: —so why is Rosaline trying to save you?

BENVOLIO: Aside from the fact that I’m innocent?

ESCALUS: You tricked her into trusting you!

BENVOLIO: Yeah, honestly I kind of feel like that too, she’s a beautiful brave angel who likes to fight crime and cares about justice and I don’t deserve her, and yet she somehow trusts me and also I trust her.

ESCALUS: Tell her you’ve been plotting to take over my throne and be the New Prince!

BENVOLIO: Yeah no, I’m not gonna do that.

[Escalus, as usual, tries to justify his actions by pretending they’re for Rosaline’s own good.]

BENVOLIO: Have you tried taking her seriously, listening to what she has to say, and not lying to her? That usually works for me.

[This is so satisfying. I could watch people telling off Escalus all day.]

ESCALUS: No, why would I do that? Take him away!

BENVOLIO: Fine, it’s your funeral. No, wait, it’s still my funeral. Damn.

  Maison Montague

MONTAGUE: Sis! I’ve been going over some legal records! GTFO or I tell the king of Scotland that you’re not really dead. I’m sure he’d be super interested to know of the part you played in his father’s death!

LADY M: *sips wine ominously*

MONTAGUE: And take your ugly portrait with you!

  The Dungeons

LADY M: Hello, nephew! Would you like to know some interesting facts about our family history before you are executed?

BENVOLIO: Can I say no?

LADY M: Nope!

BENVOLIO: OK, I guess?

  Casa Capulet

CAPULET: Babycakes, what’s up? You seem agitated!

LADY CAPULET: Husband! Juliet’s ghost keeps saying “Beware!” because I’ve done a dreadful thing!

  Some Inn, Verona

[Paris and Livia are in bed, having presumably run off to whatever Verona’s equivalent of Gretna Green is. GET AWAY FROM PRECIOUS SWEET INNOCENT LIVIA, YOU GREASY MURDERING JERKFACE!]

[While he steps out for some reason, Livia blissfully wanders around sniffing his upholstered doublet. But what is this? A piece of paper falls out! It is the note Rosaline left her that Lady Capulet concealed and gave to Paris!]

ROSALINE’S NOTE: Dear Livia, I am going with Benvolio to solve a mystery! Don’t worry, it’s perfectly safe. Ish. I have definitely not been kidnapped, don’t worry. Love, your sister.

LIVIA: Oh, pardon my French, merde.

  The Dungeons

MONTAGUE: Hello, nephew! I brought you booze!

BENVOLIO: Thanks. Hey, Aunt Tessa was just here, she told me a very interesting story about how you killed my father. Care to explain?

MONTAGUE: She is crazy and cannot be trusted!

BENVOLIO: It does explain why you always hated me. This is some excellent paralleling to Rosaline’s situation with her aunt, pity we didn’t bring it up sooner.

MONTAGUE: If it helps, I feel bad about how I’ve treated you?

BENVOLIO: It doesn’t. GTFO, s’il vous plait.

[B.’s snark game is strong this episode. Benvolio: 1, Montague: 0. FINALLY.]

  Escalus’s Bedroom, The Palace

ISABELLA: You abandoned the city to go chase Benvolio? Are you out of your goddamn mind?!?!

ESCALUS: I don’t care about the throne! I love her!

ISABELLA: You are treating your hereditary office, which I only wish I could have, with selfish irresponsibility, but I’m gonna restrain myself and just remind you that our dying father’s last words were “strength and sacrifice.” Neither of which you are particularly devoted to at the moment.

  Casa Capulet

CAPULET: I can appreciate that you saw an opportunity to beat Montague to the punch after the old Prince’s death, but did you actually think Paris would stay loyal to you?

LADY CAPULET: Yeah, not my best plan, I admit.

CAPULET: So why did our daughter’s ghost say “Beware”?

LADY CAPULET: I have a crazy theory: she loved a Montague and wanted peace!

CAPULET: We’ve gotta tell Escalus about Paris!

LADY CAPULET: He’ll execute me!

CAPULET: He might not! I have a plan! Let’s go, quickly!

CAROLINA THE SERVANT: Sorry milord, milady, I was working for The New Prince this whole time and he says you stay right there!

LORD AND LADY CAPULET: Oh, shit.

  Some Inn, Verona

LIVIA: I found this letter in your jacket! What is the meaning of this?

PARIS: This is, I admit, somewhat awkward. Well—I did promise to make you a princess! Of Mantua and Verona, aren’t you surprised?

LIVIA: And you thought a Capulet bride would legitimize your power grab? Are you bonkers? I can’t believe I slept with you! I want to go home!

PARIS: Pack your things, you’re going to Mantua!

LIVIA: I am feeling pretty disillusioned, here.

  The Dungeons

BENVOLIO: I don’t suppose you have good news? Because I’ve had a shitty day so far.

ROSALINE: Afraid not. Paris killed the Nurse so she couldn’t testify and Escalus won’t take my word as evidence.

BENVOLIO: I dunno, maybe my death will do some good, somehow? Leaving aside the whole Paris-is-plotting-to-take-over-Verona thing, you should just marry Escalus and forget me and be happy. He seems like kind of a manipulative jerk, but I saw the two of you kissing back in episode 1, and you should be with whomever you love.

ROSALINE: B., that was six episodes ago, keep up!

BENVOLIO: …oh.

[You couldn’t be bothered to light the tearful clandestine dungeon makeout better? Sigh. D’awwww, my little bickering-and-sleuthing OTP. Your bickering and sleuthing were cut short too soon!]

  Execution Square, Verona

[Escalus has trotted out the guillotine again for the occasion. I’m not clear on whether the standard form of execution is the guillotine or hanging, at this point. Lady Capulet talked about being hanged for treason, but we’ve only ever seen people get guillotined, so who knows. Isabella is looking sharp, though.]

ESCALUS’S LONG-SUFFERING ASSISTANT [reading from a scroll]: In executing Benvolio, we somehow reclaim our city from violence. Despite the fact that there’s a coup d’état on.

  Some Gorgeous Candlelit Chapel, Verona

[Rosaline is praying. I’m pretty sure this is where Romeo and Juliet were married. It is symbolic of the futility of love in the face of entrenched patriarchal violence, or something.]

  Execution Square, Verona

ESCALUS’S LONG-SUFFERING ASSISTANT [reading from a scroll]: And Montague and Capulet have agreed to end the feud since they are both out of male heirs at this point.

[Rosaline, weeping in the crowd, refuses to look at Escalus.]

ECALUS: Uh…

ESCALUS: shit, I think I made a mistake.

[I think making the narrative turn on the whim of Escalus’s better nature was a mistake, but nobody pays me to write screenplays, so.]

ESCALUS: Is this justice or vengeance?

ISABELLA: Does it matter?

[Izzy, you could have been such an interesting antagonist! I weep for the times I’ll never get to yell at you for being a power-hungry bloody tyrant.]

ESCALUS: Yeah, I think actually it does matter. Wait!

[Rosaline, finally making eye contact with Escalus, looks like she is seriously considering uniting what’s left of the houses of Montague and Capulet against the Crown.]

BENVOLIO: Hello? I’m still awkwardly kneeling with my head in the guillotine, here?

ESCALUS: Yeah, you can get up, I’ve changed my mind about executing you.

ESCALUS: I’ve been told that this man is innocent, and I actually do trust the word of the person who told me. Benvolio is free to go!

THE ASSEMBLED CROWD: Aww, darn.

BENVOLIO: Is this the part where we should have a manly conversation about how I was right, you should take Rosaline seriously and listen to what she has to say?

ESCALUS: We would, but I’ve been shot by Paris’s insurgents and they’re swarming the city.

ROSALINE: Oh, this is bad. I mean, I’m delighted that B.’s not going to die, but this is otherwise terrible.

  Somewhere Outside Verona

PARIS: Hello! I’m here and for once I’m not upholstered! And I brought my army!

[The End.]