#but still wont admit the post op posted about has it bc 'he still can do [x]'

[mx-paint]

the ableism on the internet is Unmatched

[actualsunflower]

I have a huge life update to share rn--- My top surgery consultation is scheduled for July 5th!!!! I’M SO EXCITEDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!! I’ve also been vaccinated!! :D ANNNDDD MY LEGAL NAME AND SEX HAVE BEEN CHANGEDD!!!!! :DDDD kind of a lot has happened since I’ve been actually active around here But now I guess is the much harder part, my official surgery date will be set at the consultation, but there’s a required $1,000 fee to set the official date for my surgery. The $1,000 covers a portion of the surgery as well, and the base price for the surgery is $8,500. I’ll get the exact price on July 5th, but that’s their base rate. I need to earn or raise at least $1,000 of the total cost before July 5th to secure my surgery date!! I’m going to take commissions when I can, I have 1 almost entirely complete right now and then I can take on more! I’m gonna have a more detailed explanation of everything under the cut so this isnt super super long so pls read under there if you want all the deets Pls consider commissioning me or donating so I can get top surgery!! read more for more info and me being sappy abt my emotions--

I’ve waited so long for this and I’m fricken excited, it’s the last step in transitioning for me! It really means everything for me, I feel like I’ve been waiting forever and I can’t believe it’s finally happening !?!!! I am forever in everyones debt here and everywhere because I never wouldve even been able to start hrt if it wasn’t for the help here. I’m just so. Overwhelmed with emotion and gratitude I cant even tell how many times Ive cried and just felt like... actual gender euphoria since starting t..

So abt the appointment, I’m getting surgery with Dr. Javad Sajan, and I’m getting button hole double incision. Im serious his before and after pictures make me so emotional I am so happy and emotional for those people and I cannot wait to feel that kind of happiness and relief. But a big problem about this for me, is that he is in Seattle, and I live in southern Oregon. I can’t drive, so I have to rely on someone else, or take the train from a nearby city (Eugene). My consultation is over skype (which is amazing and a huge relief), but my pre-op appointment is in person, and of course so is the actual surgery. We’re planning on taking the train from Eugene because it seems to be the most reliable way to get there and back each time. Aside from my surgery, I’ve got to cover the price of the trip there and back (twice, once there and back for pre-op, once there and back post op,) and the price of a place to stay during the pre-op appointment. Right now my goal cost wise, is just the booking and base appointment price ($8,500, that’s including the $1,000 appointment setting deposit, which is just a part of the surgery cost and the base covers everything, surgery, the stay at the hospital, nips, anesthesia, everything). The full price is due at the pre-op appointment, and that’s the final bill. My insurance doesn’t cover anything because it’s out of state and county, and because its informed consent model. (which Im choosing because Id have to battle insurance for 2 years minimum if I was getting the surgery in Oregon, but I am very set on my surgeon after considering everything and calling many offices and looking through many subreddits and talking to ppl who’ve gotten it here and there) A lot of this information is on their site as well. As soon as I have my consultation, I will be right here to update everything and set the exact price, which I’ll also be including the price of transportation and staying there. As for paying, I’ve been applying to so many jobs, and even when I get interviews I never hear back from them. People keep telling me to stop admitting I’m disabled but I just can’t do that. Lying about being disabled doesnt make me abled and they don’t get that. I’m still trying though, and I am not going to stop trying until I get a job. But until then commissions and donations are my only source of income. I’ve been struggling getting help psychologically, because I have schizophrenia, and because I was diagnosed with adhd as a child, but I think I’m actually autistic rather than having adhd, and it’s been really hard trying to get diagnosed because I keep getting pushed off or told I cant have autism because I have paranoid schizophrenia or because its “just adhd”, but the medications are just making everything worse, and Ive tried more than one already. My medications for schizophrenia have started not working right, and when my schizophrenia meds get under control, it makes my adhd (?) significantly worse. Genuinely, I really dont know what’s happening. I really dont know whats going on with me right now and it’s hard and confusing and I keep swinging back and forth and it’s making everything deteriorate so fast I cant keep up with it. It seriously effects my ability to do anything at all, even art, and its been like this for the last 6 months. I am trying though, still trying to work, still trying to get a job, still trying to get a real diagnosis and help and Im not going to stop any of that. But I think getting top surgery as soon as possible is going to help me too, because dysphoria has just gotten so much worse focusing on my chest since t has started helping me pass and look so much more masculine. It’s like all my attention went from everything DIRECTLY to my chest and its almost unbearable. Even now since my sex has been legally changed I keep having the horrible thoughts of ‘why, why I am a man Im not supposed to be this way’ and shit idk. I’m getting too serious right now I have an appointment with the dmv to get a new updated driver’s permit with my name and fixed legal sex, and when I do that I can set up a bank account (I cant yet bcs I dont have a valid id/ id at all because I actually lost the other one and have been carrying around that paper one you’re supposed to destroy that is literally from 2016) and when I do, I’m going to set up a proper gofundme for my surgery and the travel expenses, but for now all I have is my paypal and online banking savings account. I’ll get that up asap once I have my id, though (Ive already been to the bank with my notarized judge passed papers and they wont take those yeah I know it’s stupid its like the same thing) But uhhh yeah! Thank you for reading this far if you did lol and considering helping me bcs my god, it literally means everything to me. pls share hehe

[patchdotexe]

explorers of arvus: heaven’s brazier / 1.11.21

HOWDY DOODY TIME FOR ARVUS NOTES

seeing as i post these so rarely: these are the notes i take for the d&d campaign im in with jorb, michael, solar, nyx, and penn! you can find the rest of my notes in the explorers of arvus tag on my blog. woohoo

- FIRST SESSION OF THE NEW YEAR LETS GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

currently nonverbal. boy howdyi h ope this wont be a problem. this is fine hold on ive figured out how to make wordpad fucked up and evil. nice. okay time to wait for everybody to assemble ITS BEEN SOOOO LOOOONG also i got to meet audrey! that was pretty poggers

time to head north to the swamp! to cure the plague. as a reminder, one time taure helped somebody sell drugs. NORTH! LETS GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO north of us is a radical jpeg. the radical jpeg is this huge tower! prolly heaven's brazier, then. pog solar: hey does it look like this? [sends a screenshot of a ?cragrock tower? from betweenlands] michael: ..........no.

oops uh oh we didnt . consider being stealthy. this is surely fine

found a small settlement of some sorts! like, right out front of the tower. TIME FOR EVERYONE OT INVESTIGATE

nyx: I FUCKED, jorb: what did you say??? nyx: i said i fucked! leo: WHY ARE YOU FUCKING?

oh man i shoulda read my notes from last session. fuck shit damn. okay this is fine, michael gave us a recap im just Really spacey

AWW! CRABS! or, uh, lobsters. a bunch of lobsters buried themselves here! four feet tall mounds o' mud containing Lobster Friends. they might not be friends actually.

OH GOD I VIBE CHECKED OUR MICROPHONE okay its fine. everything is fine

charlie poked one of the lobsters and everyone got mad BKJDFXGBF OH SHIT THE ALDANI TALK OH SHIT THE ALDANI LOOK WEIRD-- POH MY GHOD MICAHELELEEEEE MICHAEL michael has lil crab claws

okay so the aldani are . a lot. theyre not hostile! theyre also terrified of us and we have no idea how to react. i love them, actually

okay these lobsters are totally being manipulated. time to talk to a false god that's eating the aldani! basically theyre really happy that their god whose name ive forgotten how to spell (fjolnir?) has returned to free them from their lobster curse. except im pretty sure he's just eating them. time to talk! the aldani are very excited about all this but man i do Not trust like that. he's talking in oldtongue, which is neat! oh shit he speaks common too, pog. so far taure and thorne are committing diplomacy

charlie woke up yrel to ask them about fjolnir! i love yrel. yrel didnt actually have any info but any moment i get to interact with yrel makes me habby.

fjollnir is claiming to be a shard of the true fjolnir, and honestly this explanation hes going on does sound legit? i mean hes still definitely killing the aldani but he sounds like hes Trying. silje presses x to doubt

I Pet Silje

okay yeah fjolnir straight up killed the other guys. sucks. guess we gotta tell camp vengeance to Not Go Here

IN THIS HOUSE WE FUCKIN HATE HALVKAR fjolnir hates him too! big pog. sounds like halvkar is up northwest! also apparently the witch has the power to fuck with our minds, so that's... great. also we're not allowed to go east bc theres some sacred city (haedbar?) and fjolnir would rather we Not. also fjolnir doesnt know anything abt the vision, so. welp

man, i want cookies.

GODSPEEEEED YOU BEAAAUTIFUL BASTAAARDS

please no shrek. i do not desire this.

oh hey ive only just discovered that roll20 updated character sheet layout! or at least just moved the currency part. neat. god i wish i had cookies rn i cant stop thinking about it. FUCK ONCE WE'RE DONE ITS GONNA BE WAYYYY TOO LATE TO GO TO THE STORE AAAAAAAAAAAA FUUUUUCK and id have to change out of pajamas. this blows

thorne and silje bonding time! summer: silje looks at you and says ROLL PERSUASION. OH GOD THORNE ROLLED A NAT 1 THIS IS A TRAGEDY attempting to bonding time anyway! bonks thorne and silje together. now kiss OH SHIT OH FUCK A RIVER DRAKE OH GODDAMNIT

oh goddamnit sieron just burned all his spell slots on making healing elixirs (as he does before every long rest). fuck shit damn. OH GOD THE DRAKE ATE SILJE, THIS SUCKS (it didnt kill silje but it did a SHITTON of damage)

sieron is using the wand of wonder! aaaaaaaand HE'S GOING TO BLIND ALL OF US. GOD DAMNIT sieron blinded himself and thorne................. but hey, he blinded the drake at least! also kali. f kali

CHARLIE GOT TO USE DRAGON'S BREATH chose lightning element bc i didnt want to light any scenery on fire dfgkjgh but !! fuck yeah!! didnt have a good damage roll but im just Glad To Do It

silje is being eaten by the drake! silje says Fuck This and stabs the river drake with the blade of the river drake! OH NICE also bc he kinda exploded with blood at the start of the encounter he gets to enchant his sword with blood hunter magic stuff w/o spending health on it! that's pretty pog. god that was Super Cool, silje just sliced up the drake WHILE STILL BEING BITTEN DOWN ON what the fuck my dude

OH FUCK I FORGOT TO ROLL FOR WILD MAGIC nbd we good. got a 3. charlie will not explode today

HEY WHY THE FUCK CAN TAURE DO LIKE 40+ DAMAGE IN ONE TURN oh my god. taure what the hell. DUDE WE FUCKED UP THAT DRAKE SO BAD oh my god holy shit.

GOOD NEWS, SIERON HAS HEALING ELIXIRS

silje has chugged like 3 healing elixirs. good for him!

@ audrey: what does kali main in overwatch [update: michael’s PREVIOUS roommate is the one who played kali. i have no briancells]

we're gonna butcher the river drake! we cant find any salt because all the league players are back at camp vengeance. we did make a good meal though! fuck yeah temporary hitpoints

michael: always happy to activate your trap card, my dude.

hm. we forgot salve was a mechanic we were using. good news is we bought so much that we dont need to worry about it! we paid money to ruin a gameplay mechanic. charlie will not get the plague today

sieron: look! its a frog! charlie: HOLY SHIT, ITSA FROG

sieron i swear to god.

thorne found a weird bird! and then we got derailed talking about fallen london. (the weird bird was a weird batperson!)

fen hill... 2! (we have arrived at the witch's house and there's a big ol tree! and we purified fen hill by helping out the dryad.) OOPS MICHAEL FORGOT A MAJOR PLOT POINT this is what happens when we play like five times a year. womp womp. ill admit i have no idea when charlie's plot stuff is gonna come up bc everything happens So Much REWIND TO CAMP VENGEANCE taure's hair is gold! on the summer solstice! oh boy, and michael is gonna dm solar some info bc thorne rolled a nature check. okay so taure had a vision at Some Point about a tree, and also something about changing of the seasons, and i do not remember any of this and have not reread my notes so oops. WELL AT LEAST IM WRITING IT DOWN NOW

anyway so the witch can probably fuckle our brains so we're trying to be cautious for once in our lives. WILL HOPE'S GUARD SURVIVE THE NIGHT? NEXT TIME, ON EXPLORERS OF ARBUS! ..............im leaving that typo