#but she talks so calmly to you. theres not much judgement from her in this scene unless you judge first

[amatres]

meet cute in the wilds ❤

also morrigan speaks to you so kindly when you're in her mother's hut, it's always interesting to see

[strawberryspeachy]

S4e10 is the first time i want to actually rewatch an entire episode of handmaids tale.... ok wait second time - was it the new “ofglen” who blew up that important building with all the commanders inside and the handmaids outside - that ending was great

But omg

First off elizabeths moss’s acting!!! Ive gotten too used to that same dreadful look shes been making for the past couple seasons that... the wide range of facial expressions really surprised me and it just!! Wow

the suspence the whole episode. Nothing EVER goes right in this show. I knew what i wanted to see but i fully expected fred and serena to go free and happy. That back and forth feeling was super engaging

I loved that even though there was that tension between june and moira before, moira jumped right back to trying to fight and doing all the screaming and ranting for june - someones gotta do it and june was too mentally exausted

K like im still confused why everyone can go in and out of the waterford prison so easily and was like.... dooooo they want june to kill him?!?!? Why are you leaving her alone???

And i was so excited like yesssss shes gonna kill himmm - well first i thought she was gonna go to serena and kill her baby

But when she was walking around that room... like a cat pretending not to notice the mouse in the room - we just know june too well to think she wasnt at least planningggg something

Also fred is fucking DISGUSTINGGGGG as usual. Lying during his ... conference like WHY are you just gonna beleive this psycho at face value?!

Oh and serena thinking shes got all the power back.

Omg the two of them. I cant

And fred really being such a fucking disgusting person to think ANY part of june enjoyed his torture. She is so strong dude - i could never sit there not knowing if my plan will work and playing nice. I thought she was gonna break that glass and stab him

And like. Ok. Lukes not the worst but also - his whole - just get over it!!! Attitude.... even if she cant get him on the wall why are you reprimanding her and trying to pretend she can just get over that trauma with some food. Absolutr lack of empathy.

But june saying hes gonna be on the wall... i was so giddy!!

And i rewatched that smile she made when larence told her she hanst lost her touch- well she could barely contain her smile throughout that entire negotiation. And i loved watching larence put on a show like ‘ah we rlly miss waterford! My brother!!’

Gah and just. Also... i kinda thought june was gonna kill mark when she was outside his building. Men in this show. She went through 7 years of hell and you told her youd help and fucked her over and then throw an entire dramatic tempertantrum when she calmly sits on a bench near your house.... lol wow..i mean uncomfortable but have some prespective

And i wanna say the like demand straight to - oh im sorry. Didnt mean to he a cunt - i meant please? Act june did, its not overacting but knowing june it is so it was funny af

The suspence watching fred get ready to go.., i was literally chanting for the plane to be to gilead but it was so much better! Watchint him get arrested all shocked. “Im a man! I have rights” all the fucking ew... open the door back up and slap him

I just thought he was gonna get sent back and wed watch the commanders all hang him. But it to be lawrence - again with his ‘oh? Is there anything i can do to stop this? No? Ok bye fred!’

And i mean i knew we were in for a treat with nick taking him but i was NOT EXPECTING JUNE to just POP OUT of the trees!!! Fucking perfect. A literal horror movie just for fred

Also why did he keep calling nick son.... like... no one likes you???? Do you really think you can regain power just saying words like this???

And this is e first time i fucking LOVED seeing june in a red coattt and her faceeee like last episode when she turned from calm to screaming - it wad so good and so intense and such good acting and that heartbeat music got me

But hereeeee i cant even desribe the combination or rage and calmness pouring out. Not to be a weeb but thats the first time i think ive ever seen a live action representation of how i imagine anime cool characters to act

That power play of nick and june making out in front of fred loool - i dont care about the ships but that was perfect

“This is sick” - whats sick is how you never run out of things to do and say that make me feel sick...

I loved how june told him to choose - i feel like jt was a call back to his lawyer saying that she CHOSE to be a handmaid. Like theres not good option here

Does anyone think she actually would have shot him dead IF he did choose the gun - part of me wants an alterantive ending where he chose that just so i could watch june either tell him ‘no thats too easy’ or like shoot him in the foot so he cant even run right before being like

Oops i missed and chasing him down anyway

I hate horror movies but watching them all chase him down UGHHH IVE NEVER FELT SO MUCH GLEEE - k not never but ya know

OMG ALMOST FORGOT that sceneee with june and emily talking at the table about how june wants him to be scared to death. And fucking luke - with his judgements turning and looking. I feelll like.... emily helped june decide to do this. Because after getting to the end of the episode it seemed more like they were planning in plain sight in thay scene

I havent rewarched the show. So maybe im remembering incorrectly but it does feel like this fits because - wasnt emily kind of what inspired june to actively start rebelling when she drove the car around and ran one of the guards over

Anddddd the songggg from the 1st? Or 2nd??? Season. The ending right? I just remember that the last time we heard that song was when june first started a quiet resistance against gilead and all the handmaids were together in it. So it brought back those feelings of like ‘FINALLY its happening!!’ And it fit soooo perfectlyyy

When the girls first ran up to fred i thought they were gonna surround him and reinact that “shame” thing they used to be forced to do. I mean i guess they did without actually saying it cause they definitely killed him the way gilead forced the handmaids to kill people in the first season

And it was wonderful to watch! Thank you handmaids tale for making me feel like a psychotic sadist for enjoying that ENTIRE scene. I was giggling like i was watching a disney movie

Gonna ignore that part where june picks up the baby covered in blood - ew

I wanted to seeeeee serena get the finger - more so - i wanted to watch tha family come in and get her and be like - hey guess what your coming back to gilead!!! And see it end with serena as a fucking handmaid - GIVING BIRTH TO THE BABY BETWEEN (i forget the one who visited hers name) LEGS!

But fuck seeing fred on a wall with the “dont let the bastards grind you down” from the the very beginningggg - it felt sooo goodddd

And i just needed to squeal over this episode some more! I watched it hours ago. But i kinda wanna rewatch it rnn

[strawbewwysamurai]

Hi hey hello, how's it going? Would it be possible to request Marco and Benn each as dad to a fem!reader? Like, fluffy headcanons or something of how they'd each be as single dads?

Hello hello lovely!!! I'm doing good, just been preparing for my little sister’s birthday tomorrow! ^^

Heck yeah! This is so cute, I love getting familial requests ^^ Hope you like !

Requests OPEN | RULES AND GUIDELINES

Marco:

Ultimate dad material, he can be both quiet and kind, and also loud and goofy to no end and he knows exactly when you need one more than the other at a given time.

He had to handle a teenage Ace just a few years ago, so he's got that Cool Dad thing down pat having to deal with him, and you know him having a daughter is no different.

He's really quietly and calmly affectionate with anyone he cares about, so there's no way his daughter can escape his affection either.

Whether it's a big and long hug after a while apart when he can greet you happily again, lounging on the couch watching something together with his shoulder touching yours or his head flopped over your shoulder as he snores quietly, there's no shortage of physical affection with him.

He has a habit of complaining that he's lonely while flopping all over you in the middle of something, dragging you into a hug whining that you never spend any time together anymore, and that he needs some cuddles after such a long time apart.

Even if he just spent time with you ten minutes ago, he’ll do this- and that only makes it all the funnier.

Marco and showing affection doesn't solely amount to the physical. He's absolutely no stranger to quiet little affections either.

It's a constant for him to ask his daughter about your day- anything you’ve been up to lately, anything funny that's happened, or just something that managed to make you smile- he's all ears. He knows every one of his daughter’s interests extremely well, and has even attempted some of your own hobbies, whatever they may be.

He's by no means good at all of them- or heck, even any. But that just gives him all the more reason to pour you in soft compliments about how wonderful you’re doing at what you enjoy, and he's proud of you whenever you accomplish anything- big or small- doing something you thoroughly enjoy doing and are passionate for.

He's happy just to see his daughter happy.

Absolutely a little prankster- he loves to pull little tricks over people, and his daughter would be a constant victim to his harmless little gags.

Salt and sugar switched out on the counter or table, a cup with a note announcing it's containing a spider that doesn't even exist, or candy in a bottle of cola passed to her during a day by the pool when shes already soaked. As long as it’s relatively harmless, theres nothing he won’t try.

After he’s successful in a prank, he'll either snicker lightly and make a comment about you falling for "this old man's" tricks again, or break down absolutely losing it with tears brimming his eyes, all depending on the scale of prank and your reaction to it.

No matter what though, whether he’s being a goofball, or a cuddlebug, he’s always there for you whether you need his help with something, or not.

Because sometimes, all you need is a little bit of knowledge that your dad loves you a lot, and Marco’s got you there.

Benn

A bit of a quiet disaster of a dad, meaning he’s pretty chaotic but he’s quite chill about it in general to the point where you don’t even really realize what he’s doing is chaotic until you actually think about it for longer than a second.

He's usually pretty tired from having to deal with his crew's nonsense on a daily basis, so a good deal of his judgement when raising a kid, even if they're already older, can be a bit... Clouded. Nothing too serious, no. But don't be surprised if you end up having waffles for dinner four nights in a row without him noticing that this has been the case.

If you point this out though, he'll realize and laugh about it and finally break the cycle.

For now.

It'll happen again eventually, so watch out.

He's an absolutely excellent person to talk to however; whether you need advice on something, have something you want to debate with him or get his opinion on, or just lighthearted conversation about whatever it is you're enjoying lately, he's all ears and its quite surprising just how much he remembers about things he talks with you about. He has a tendency to bring up related things you have said in the past to the current conversation- even if it was said years ago.

So you can surely bet that he's always listening intently to whatever it is you have to say to him, and that he'll remember even the smallest seeming details for a long time coming.

Definitely teaches you self defense in unorthodox ways. Usually involves finding a form of a sport that you actually enjoy doing, and then building from there into more fun and interesting ways for you to defend yourself.

He has been heard by his crewmates coming up to you and asking "hey! Who wants to learn how to break her old man's arm? You sure do! Let me show you-"

This has ended in many minor injuries before, but nothing too serious. If he finds or thinks up a new technique to teach you while hes still injured from your last session, don't you worry. He'll have a friend or crewmate step in his place and teach you on his commands and descriptions with a hand in a sling.

Absolutely laughs if the person you're fighting in his place gets injured. He also tries to high five you for it with his slung hand completely forgetting that it’s injured in his glee of you completely owning his friend or crewmate just then.

When that proves problematic, he'll just use his uninjured one to scoop you up in a hug laughing about how good you did and how he can't wait to see how you do it against him when he's healed again.

He’s softly affectionate as well, enjoying giving you kisses on the top of your head goodbye whenever you two part for the day or a while with a loose hug over your shoulders. 

He also enjoys leaning down to grin eye to eye with you, before pressing his forehead to yours- chuckling out a ‘love you, kiddo’ before he stands back up straight. 

[astheskycries]

Protected- Chapter Eight

When Maggie agreed to help her best friend finish preparing for an art exhibit, she wasn’t expecting to end up in the middle of a rough battle between Captain America and a shooter. She also didn’t expect to be considered a target because he saved her life and to be hunted by HYDRA agents for her involvement. Now her life is in the hands of a perfect soldier… and so is her heart.

One Two Three Four Five Six Seven

“How is she?” Steve asks, standing beside me with his arms crossed. I’m sitting on a metal table, and a man with brown hair and eyes is moving away from me.

“She’s fine.” The doctor- or who I assume is the doctor- says calmly, turning to face him. “But I’ve told you, I’m not that kind of doctor.”

“You’re the doctor I trust,” Steve says calmly. “Maggie, this is Dr. Banner.”

He nods once. I stay silent and avert my eyes.

Steve offers me a hand down, and when I move to get down by myself he grabs my hips and lifts me up before setting me down.

“I was fine,” I protest, still following him as he leads me out with a hand on my back.

“I know,” He says calmly, stepping into the hallway where Natasha is waiting. “She’s fine.”

Natasha nods once, completely focused. “We need to decide what to do next if they went after her.”

“I heard the name Jonathan,” Steve says, making me tense. “Maybe he has something to do with them.”

“Not anymore,” I say calmly.

Both turn to look at me. “Not anymore?” Steve asks in his Captain America voice, a hard edge to it.

I bite my lip, avoiding their eyes.

“Maggie,” Natasha says coldly, and I glance up as Steve sends her a glare.

“Jonathan is someone I used to know,” I say quietly. “If they killed him, he either got in their way or they decided they no longer need him.”

“How did you know him?” Steve asks calmly, his eyes almost soothing.

I hesitate. “He was an old friend,” I say quietly, not completely lying. Steve frowns, and before he can say anything I add, “We lost contact a long time ago. I didn’t know anything happened to him.”

Steve tilts his head, eyes curious. “You broke it off?”

I bite my lip. “It’s a long story.”

Steve frowns, clearly wanting to push the issue, but Natasha steps forward. “Why would they go after you?”

I shake my head helplessly. “I don’t know. I think it’s just because-” I cut myself off, not wanting to cause any problems.

“Because?” She prompts, raising an eyebrow.

I wince, looking at the ground. “Because Steve is trying to protect me. They know they can target his sense of duty by attacking the civilian he’s trying to protect.”

Natasha nods, as if it makes sense. “We’ll keep you inside for as long as possible. That way we can make sure they don’t come after you again.”

I nod once, and Steve puts a hand on my lower back again before leading me down the hall. I relax at the warmth from his hand, most likely the serum’s doing, and I try to think of something to say.

“You said you couldn’t dance, right?” Steve asks suddenly.

I blink. “Yes,” I say carefully.

“I think we should try,” He says calmly.

I don’t say anything, waiting for him to tell me it’s a joke, but it never comes. “I don’t really have anything to wear to go dancing,” I say quietly.

“You don’t have to,” He stops outside of my door, turning to face me. “Just come.”

I hesitate for a long moment. “Ok,” I say quietly, hoping I’m right about his reasons.

He smiles beautifully, making me scold myself for thinking that way. “I’ll see you in my gym,” He says gently. “Meet me tonight at six.”

I force myself to nod, and he disappears down the hall, leaving me to release a breath and gain a little more air before slipping into my room. I instantly see my phone on the desk, and I see a note next to it.

I found this with the other things they took from you. Tony put some restrictions on it, but I made sure you could still talk to your friend. I would call her soon; it looked like she’d been trying to talk to you for a while.

- S

I bite my lip and fold the note carefully, slipping it under the mattress before turning back to my phone and checking the time.

I have three hours.

I nervously grab the phone and dial her number.

“Maggie!” Zoe yells instantly, making me wince. “Where are you?”

I glance around nervously. “It’s a long story. Steve Rogers took me to the Avengers compound for safety. I can’t tell you much, but-”

“If Captain Rogers is trying to protect you, I’m not arguing,” She says flatly. “I heard they may have found his friend. True or not true?”

I pause. “I have no idea,” I admit helplessly. “I hope so; he deserves it.”

“Sounds like you’re getting attached,” Zoe says knowingly. “I don’t blame you. Does he know about Jonathan yet?”

“I’d rather not tell him unless necessary.” I say honestly. “He knows he’s an old friend I lost touch with.”

“Hmm,” Zoe says disapprovingly. “Tell him soon.” I don’t answer, and she presses on. “Just tell me when you come back, ok?” There’s yelling, and then my best friend curses. “I have to go. Stay safe,” She hangs up before I can say anything, and I sigh, setting it on the table before dropping on the bed, wondering what I’m going to do being alone with a super soldier.

…

I take an unsteady breath as I step into the gym, seeing everything pushed against a wall and an old record player across from me, playing a song from the 40s. Steve is standing in front of it, dressed in his old military uniform, and I feel extremely underdressed.

“Wow,” I whisper, making him smile beautifully.

He slowly moves closer to me, offering his hand. “Would you like to dance?”

I cautiously take his hand, and he gently tugs me against him, one hand on my waist and the other holding mine, and he easily leads me into the slow song.

“I thought you said you couldn’t dance?” I ask, staring up into his eyes.

He chuckles, pulling me closer. “Anything for my best girl,” He whispers, making me blush furiously against better judgement.

“Liar,” I whisper. “I bet you use that line on all of the girls.”

He chuckles again, tilting his head down so his lips are by my ear. “Only one,” I feel him smirk as I involuntarily shiver, and he whispers, “Just follow me.”

I close my eyes and rest my head in the crook of his neck, relaxing to the sound of him humming along and letting him lead me across the makeshift floor.

For once, I don’t think about his motives. I just feel.

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Protected

@pitabread79​ @my-drowning-in-time​ @a-person-unlabled​

[lobster-peach]

The Girls Bathroom

•••

Part 1

Part 2 -

This is a short story I wrote for my 10th grade creative writing class and I thought I'd share:)

*trigger warnings*

Eating disorders

Mental disorders

Drug/alcohol use

Violence

Child predator/abuse mention

Implied suicide

Another night without sleep. It’s growing less uncommon now. I’ve taken so many things to help me sleep, you’d be surprised that something hasn’t worked by now.

My window is open. I’ve always  liked it that way. It lets the night time air into my room, and it fills my lungs with the sweetest scent, that if it were bottled, I would keep it on me at all times. I’d be the girl people would ask what perfume I was wearing. I’d be the one they complimented. I’d be the one they talked to, in an admiring way. 

The smell reminds me of my childhood home. It reminds me of the smell of a thick and damp forest. It reminds me of the silent happy times. I let the night breeze create ripples in my curtains. 

And It’s peaceful. 

It’s peaceful to watch a force of nature calmly move something as simple as a sheer white window curtain to the beat of its own rhythm. To make it move like it’s dancing in water. 

I’m writing all my thoughts down again, like  I do every time my mind won’t sleep. I’ve noticed that everything feels so surreal at these times. Everything is quiet, the moon is the only light source in sight, the wind making the only other movement besides myself, and the world is still. I lay on my back and stare up at the ceiling, just stare and think about the world, and about life. Stress comes and goes at these times but it usually doesn’t stay that long.

 I think about my family, about myself, about strangers. I wonder if strangers do this too? Do they wear themselves out in the adventure we call curiosity?

I keep asking questions until I finally fall asleep to the sun peaking over the mountains. 

...

I haven’t been to school in weeks. I haven’t actually left my room in weeks either, if you’re not counting the trips to the bathroom. I feel like I've just been a whirlpool of emotions. One second I feel fine, and the next I feel like I’m in someone else’s body, wanting to scream. But today- today is the day I’m changing that. 

I get up, take a shower, and apply the minimum amount of makeup I actually have.

No one is awake in the house, so I slip out without a sound. 

If I’m honest, I don’t know why I thought it was a good idea to go to school now, because the second I stepped through the glass doors, I was bombarded with shouts, shoves, and the smell of axe body spray. But right as I was about to turn around, get back into my car, and drive far, far away from this hell-hole, the vice principal noticed me. I saw the shock, and excitement light up in her eyes.

She made a b-line for me.

There was no escape. 

  ...

After an hour or so of sitting and listening to her gush about how much the school had missed me, and that if I "Ever needed anything to come talk to her, or any of the school faculty", I was able to leave her office. If I knew that I would get this bombarded with unwanted attention, I would have never left my house in the first place.

I would just dwell in the thought that I would have to make a living becoming a fast food worker, or selling my body to Sin City herself.

But that would still be better than this. 

...

The brick walls of the school seemed to piss me off even more than they used to now. They seemed to mock me, to make me feel like even more of a failure, with their posters of encouragement and activities. I headed into the girls bathroom to take a breather. Everything starting to kick in. I dashed into a stall and let my empty stomach empty itself even more. Nothing had actually happened to trigger any sort of panic, and I hated myself for it even more. I hated the fact that I couldn't be around people with no filters. I hated that I couldn't sit still in class. I hated that I couldn't just be normal. And now I'm just sitting on the floor trying not to think. But then I hear a knock, and a voice, gently, and quietly asking if I'm alright. My eyes widen. I don't know why I didn't think I would be the only one in a public highschool's girl's bathroom. Theres a part of me that hopes if I stay silent then whoever it was on the other side of the door would go away. But the voice comes back a second time. Still quiet, still gentle, but more urgent. Sounding like they were actually worried. Coming to the conclusion that I can't hide, I stand up and open the door to see one of the school's cheerleaders, Vanny. Her real name was Savannah, but everyone only ever called her Vanny. She looked as surprised as I was when she saw who was standing in front of her. 

    “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to bother you. I just heard.. gagging, and I wanted to make sure that  whoever it was, was alri-”

I quickly cut her off.

    “It’s okay! Really!” 

Wow, I sound flustered. 

    “I just needed to let some things…uh… out.”

She let out a small breathy laugh at that. 

    “Yeah, I can tell.” she said

I can just feel the temperature in my cheeks raise at record breaking speed. My internal panic growing with it.

    “I- uh- sorry…”

God, I'm a mess.

She lets out another laugh at that, but this time something that looked somewhat like sympathy showed in her eyes.

    “Don’t be sorry. Really. I get it. It happens to me too.”

I gape at her a little.

But not so much that she would notice. Or at least I hope I so.

What on earth is happening.

But before I can even finish that thought, she's speaking again.

    “I haven’t seen you around all year.  I didn’t think about it that much till now. Do you wanna talk about it?”

She didn't wait for an answer and made her way into the handicap stall and sat against the wall. She just gestures for me to do the same. Part of me wonders if this was some kind of joke. If she had people outside the girls bathroom just waiting to torment me. But against my better judgement, I sit. I can't figure out how I am supposed to act, sit, or even breath. Is there even a right way to handle this?

She begins talking about her history with depression and anxiety. And normally when I hear someone say they have it, it’s not actually the “real deal” if you will. It’s just someone who thinks that it’s the end of the world when something unexpected and bad pops up in their life.

And I know it sounds terrible to judge a person like that, but it's just how things tend to be around here.

But she, she wasn’t like that. 

She tells me everything. How she can’t sleep at night, so she goes on drives. And how she finds that puking her guts out, nasty and as toxic as it seems, feels a little like a release. She tells me about her “friends” and how much she wishes that she could talk to them about everything that’s going on. She just tells me everything. Every feeling she gets. Every reason a tear sometimes slips from her brown eyes.

Everything.

I didn’t know that a person could feel the same way I did. I didn’t know that I could understand a stranger more than myself in just 30 minutes. 

These talks become a regular thing for us. After our second period classes, while the rest of the school left for lunch, we would go into the girls bathroom on the second floor. Into the handicap stall on the far right. And we would talk about everything.

    Vanny was kind. She held the door for me when we were together, she spoke to me like a real person rather than a joke, and she felt like home. There were days however, where she didn’t talk to me. She would send me apologetic glances from across the room so I tried not to think too much about it. I understood. She had a reputation to uphold. And I wasn’t apart of that. If I was, everyone would think of it as a joke. That she was just getting close to me to make fun of me. That was the part I worried about. 

I just wanted to mean something more to her than that. 

I just wanted a friend.

    Everyday that I spent with Vanny lead me into a deeper spiral of what I would call bliss. It was almost like, any trouble I had, any insecurity I had, she could instantly wash away with one look. 

...

I was stopped at an intersection driving home from school, when I noticed the people in the car in beside me were fighting. I didn’t want to invade their privacy, but then I noticed who was sat in the passenger seat. Vanny. The guy, was much older. Dark grey hair, and stubble across his chin. He had his hand on her thigh. I couldn’t see what his expression was clearly, but I had a pretty solid guess. Vanny looked very uncomfortable, she slapped his hand away and said something with her brows furrowed. The guy just laughed and put his hand back. She tried to push it away again but the guy wouldn’t budge. 

I decided to try calling her to make sure she was alright but the phone went straight to voicemail. I started to panic. I didn’t know what to do. I started to roll down the window and shout but the light finally changed to green and the car sped off. I wanted to change lanes and potentially follow them, but I couldn’t with all of the traffic of eager teeangers wanting to go home after a long day. I tried to try calling a few more times, but failed to get any sort of answer. 

My phone was hot from being pressed to my cheek for so long. I got home and the house was empty once again. This time though, my heart sank. I didn’t know who to ask about what I should do.

Me, in my panicked state decided to call the police.

I started blurting out everything that happened but it didn’t help. Without the guys name, plate number, or address, there was nothing they could do besides go to Vanny’s house and see if she was there and OK. 

    I couldn't sleep. My mind was racing with all of the possible things that could be happening right then to my Vanny.

No.

Not my Vanny.

Just Vanny.

I got a call from the police station just hours later. They told me she was safe at home and that I had no reason to worry.

Everything was fine.

...

    I still however rushed to school the next morning, calling and texting her trying to get some sort of insight to if she was really alright. I kept tapping my foot all through my first two periods. My mind couldn’t seem to focus on anything other than the thought of Vanny.

She needed to be okay.

What felt like years of waiting for that wretched bell to signal my release from this prison of unmatched bricks and books, it rang.

I all but ran to the second floor bathroom. And let me tell you, I have never been so happy to hear someone crying. I knocked on the door precisely six times to let her know it was me. I heard her shuffle and stand up. When the door unlocked I rushed in to hug her.

Her face was tear stained, but her eyes were empty.

We sat down and I held her.

Everything just felt... wrong.

I didn't know how to ask her what happened.

I didn't know if I even should.

She felt so fragile in my arms, that I was scared I would break her by saying anything else.

We sat in the bathroom in silence for the rest of the day.

I just let her cry.

At the end of the day I offered to take her home but she fervently said no.

I took her to my house instead, only so I could make sure she was safe.

...

The car ride home was quiet. I was waiting for the right time to ask her about what had happened but I still just didn't know how.

She had stopped crying hours ago but she kept the same empty look in her eyes.

I watched her out of the corner of my eye, just staring at the passing houses.

Her brown hair falling over her shoulders like silk.

I finally spoke up.

"Savannah, what happened?"

She jumped at the sudden sound of my voice.

I couldn't tell if she was going to answer or start crying again.

She was so unreadable.

But her dry lips parted, and her voice rasped out.

"My..."

She breathed out, sounding so wounded.

I had pulled the car into an empty grocery store parking lot and faced her.

"My stepfather... tried t-to...."

She couldn't finish. Her eyes welled up again with tear and she broke.

Her face buried in her hands.

I didn't know what to say.

So many thoughts were racing through my head.

I couldn't speak.

I just stared at her completely horrified.

I opened my mouth to speak but nothing came out.

She lifted her face and looked me in the eyes.

"Please don't tell anyone."

"Vanny we have to call the cops we-"

"No!" She yelled, I had never heard her yell.

"Promise me you won't tell anyone. Not your family, not any teachers, not the police."

She was urgently begging me.

"Vanny I can't just let this be. This is serious. He needs to be put in prison for this-"

"Please." She said once more.

"Please."

I looked at her.

Red, wide, eyes staring deep into my soul.

"I-I can't..."

...

I called the police once we got to my house explaining everything.

They got a warrant to search Vanny's stepdad's things and found digital folders of child pornography. They didn't have enough to charge him with the assault, but the files were enough to put him away.

When it happened, Vanny didn't speak to me for weeks.

She was convinced I had betrayed her.

But she eventually came back.

[rachel-hathburn]

(( DOVE CAMERON, 23, SHE/HER, BISEXUAL)) [Y]? NO, THAT’S [PENELOPE WASH] BUT THEY CAN ALSO BE CALLED THE [THE WISEACRE ]. I’VE HEARD THEY CAN BE [DRIVEN && UPBEAT] BUT ALSO [JUDGEMENTAL && HIGH STRUNG]. THEY CALL OCEANSIDE THEIR HOME WHEN THEY AREN’T TOO BUSY BEING A/AN [ELEMENTARY TEACHER]. WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT THEM, YOU CAN ALWAYS PICTURE [SHARPENED PENCILS, THE FIRST BREAK OF DAWN, PAINTED NAILS]. – MEGAN, EST, SHE,HER –

LINK TO HER WANTED CONNECTIONS

>Penelope Wash| Pen, Penne, Penny, Princess P, PP, Poe<

Pronunciation

✎{PEN}-{EL}-{OPEE}

Age

✎23

Gender

✎FEMALE

Race

✎WHITE

Languages

✎ENGLISH- (A bit of french from one college class)

Height

✎5′8 (I know Dove is pretty short but I see Pen being on the taller side)

Birthday

✎ SEPTEMBER 15th

Zodiac

✎VIRGO

Blood Type

✎ O+, 

Alignment

✎NEUTRAL/NEUTRAL

Spirit animal

✎COUGAR; 

Leadership

Standing Behind Convictions

Confidence

Clever

Awareness

Learning Proper Use of Power

Messenger Between Human and Divine Beings

Balance

Steadfast

Responsible

Dependable

Family History

Penelope didn’t always live in her neighborhood or house she does now. She actually used to live in a far bigger house with her Mother, Father, and Older Sister. Her Mother and Father were the farthest thing from the nurturing type and treated their daughters like robots, always coding them to perform at an unachievable level; Her older sister Prim however didn’t find it so unachievable and was exactly what their parents always wanted. Prim went on to become a neurosurgeon and once she got to job moved out to Vermont, their parents deciding to follow with her. Penelope was left on her own basically at 19 and a half, with nothing but a crippling understanding that she was useless and began to forever deem herself that way. She tried to contact her parents and sister but seeing as none of them ever really took a liking to Pen, she never got a response back. Penelope was given everything in life, finically, and never really was taught how to support herself.  It wasn’t long until the girl began getting heavily into the party scene which inevitably brings about a lot of negative inhibitions, however the girl struck gold with meeting the people she’d soon come to live with in the Animal House. These people soon became her family and she enrolled into a community college,  got her degree in education, and landed an amazing teaching job at a near by school. ~• •~

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"Above all, be the heroine of your life. Not the victim." — Nora Ephron 

Age of Appearance

✎Pen always tend to look a bit younger at first glance, especially without any make-up on, however her height and demeanor change that once you actually speak with the girl.

Body Type

✎Pen likes to take care of herself, she tends to keep busy with the chaotic house she lives in and with her work.

Skin Tone

✎Pale, blushes easily. 

Complexion

✎ Freckles on the top of her nose, faint.

Birthmarks

✎She has a birthmark right under her rib-cage, someone once told her birthmarks are how you died in a past life, and she been convinced she was stabbed there ver since.

Scars

✎She has one large scar on her arm, a burn from back when the animal house began and she drunkenly tried to make stir-fry for everyone.

Cosmetics

✎It’s rare for someone to see Penelope with out her face done. 

Outfit

✎She dress in a way that makes her look put together and classic. However she does step it up and go all out when going out on the town.

Accessories

✎She has a necklace from when she was little that never leaves her skin.

Body Modification

✎She has gotten lip fillers before and keeps up with them regularly. 

Are they confident in the way they look:

✎Yes, Pen is secure in her appearance and takes pride in her looks.

~•  •~

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“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”– Lao Tzu

General Temperament

✎Penelope is generally a bit cold off first impression, unless you’re close with her or are one of her students. However once she warms up to you the girl is very caring and attentive to your needs.

Happiness

✎Penelope finds her happiness through helping her students learn, she says theres nothing better than when a kid is struggling and then finally grasp the concepts, it is one of the most rewarding things to the girl and a big part of why she loves her job so much. 

Sadness

✎There are many things that make the blonde sad, however only a few that really rock to her core. Poverty, kids coming in without supplies that are needed, and climate change are some of the more impersonal ones. Her family is 100% a home run of sadness. 

Anger

✎Penelope gets angry when people are extremely reckless, which is ironic because she used to be the poster child for recklessness, I mean she is living in the animal house after all. But as she's grown up, the girl has done a big 360 and now is one of the most responsible people in the neighborhood. As she gotten to be the teacher to many of the children living around other close neighborhoods she finds it disrespectful when people are reckless outside of their own homes.

Confusion

✎Penelope is confused about what to do with her living situation. The girl wants to move and get a smaller place of her own but she knows some of her room-mates would fall off the deep end without the structure she brings to the house, and even though the girl puts on a tough mask, she is a softie at her core, especially for her room-mates who she deeply loves.

Favorites

Animal

✎She loves big cats. period.

Flower

✎forget-me-nots, when Pen was little the name used to make her cry, but they’ve come to be her favorite flower of all time.

Weather/Time of the day/Season

✎For someone living in California it’s hard to imagine her favorite weather not being clear and sunny; but yet, Pen likes the cold. Nothing makes her happier than when their little town finally starts to cool off a bit.

Food

✎Penelope is good a cooking, she can’t make anything extreme but she’s learned how to whip up a nice dinner and usually does so for her house. 

Drink

✎Nothing makes Pen happier than a spiked lemon-aide.

Colour

✎Pink! If that isn’t obvious.

Country

✎All she has ever known is california, but the girl has always been fascinated by paris, hence why she took up french in college.

H͟a͟b͟i͟t͟s͟

Social skills

✎ Penelope is a natural at schmoozing and knowns how to put on charm when she wants to. 

Insecurities

✎Penelope is insecure in that fact that she never feels proud of herself, her accomplishments never really feel like they’re enough and she is always striving to be useful or helpful to someone so she doesn’t get left behind. But she’d never say that out loud.

Hostility

✎Penelope tends to be very forward when she’s angry, but through working with elementary school kids she has learned how to calmly talk through her emotions, or so she tries.

Fears

✎Being completely useless.

Drives|Motivation

✎Penelope always feels like she has to prove herself, even if the only person she’s proving anything to is herself, and that keeps her driven and motivated.

Dreams|Aspirations

✎To have a family of her own and to make sure her students get the best education possible.

~•  •~

First Words: ball

What emotions to the attribute to their childhood: rejection

Morning Person or Night Owl: morning person

Significant Childhood Memory: Pen’s parents bringing her and Prim to the amusement park because they both got straight As

Current Residence: Animal House

Occupation: Second grade teacher

What do they smell like: Vanilla and rose

What words or phrases do they overuse: “Okay- got it, thanks.”

Do they have a catch phrases: “Can you- not.”

What is their greatest accomplishment: Their job

What smells remind them of their childhood: The smell of pencils

What was their childhood ambition: To please her parents 

Do they believe in love at first sight: No

Do they believe in true love: Yes

Have they ever had their heart broken: Yes

Are they ticklish: Very

Can they keep a secret: Absolutely 

How do they display affection: Words of affirmation

Are they okay with PDA (Public Displays of affection): Yes, a tasteful amount

Are they a virgin: No

How do they want other people to view them: Successful 

Are they competitive: Yes, very.

Deadly Sin : Envy 

Heavenly Virtue:  Diligence

Are they a minimalist or a hoarder: bit of a hoarder with classroom supplies

Where do they go to feel safe: in their room

Where do they go when they’re angry: the beach 

What password do they use for everything: penpalpenny333

What is their favorite day of the week: wednesday

What do they keep in their pockets: spare erasers 

What is their most treasured object: she has a necklace she wears 24/7

Do they have any pet peeves: slobs and slow walkers

How confident are they: 5/10

How generous are they: 10/10

How creative are they: 9/10

How honest are they: 6/10

How loyal are they: 8/10

Are they manipulative: She for sure can be but only if there is a calling for it

How predictable are they: Pen has her moments where the retired party animal will randomly appear but other than that her schedule is pretty regular

How do they flirt with people: by trying to appease them 

Book smart or street smart: A healthy mix

Do they prefer being hot or cold: cold, pen loves the cool weather

What do they think is the worst thing you could do to another person: Abandon them

How do they deal with stress: By doing one million things at once

Are they comfortable crying in front of other: Only a select few, and even then its rather uncomfortable for her

What social justice issue would they be most passionate about: Proper education for less fortunate kids.

If they could change one thing about themselves what would it be: Pen would change her inner need to please and accommodate those around her.

Sexually Explicit Questions:

Are they a top or a bottom (Or do they switch): Definitely a secret bottom there is no doubt.

How important is sex to them: Like on a scale?? maybe a 6

Do they believe it is a mostly emotional act or a mostly physical act: Pen thinks it can be both

Turnons: Caring people, acts of service, when someone is trying not to smile. 

Turnoffs: Ignorance, Toxic Masculinity, and people who hate children. 

[garbageivereleasedintothevoid]

10-21-19 (Monday)

Had a seizure upon arriving home today. So that was fun.

Also I want to apologize and clarify my behavior.

I am sorry for getting so upset with you. It isn't your fault. But I do feel kinda trapped rn. You're not a bad person or therapist. Your personality isn't... Bad. You are who you are and theres a no changng that. But yeah, sometimes you grate on my nerves. But there really isn't a better option out there for me. I do feel like I've made far more progress with you than any other therapist but I want you to understand that my ability to talk about my gender openly and have it maybe not personally understood but conceptually at least... I've never had that in a therapist and it was pretty well game changing.

So thank you. For putting in the work to understand. It means the world to me both to me personally and for my community. That's something we desperately need. Therapists typically don't understand these things. And yeah, it makes it REALLY hard to deep dive gender related trauma when you have to explain the concept of pronouns to someone several times. So I think a lot of my progress has come from that. And it means a lot to me. But I'm not sure there really is a good solution to this problem. If you can think of one, please by all means suggest it. Maybe write it down and let me think it over between sessions? Because rn I am struggling to maintain composure in some fairly straightforward situations. I have a lot of rage built up and a BUNCH of frustration. I'm still reeling from the loss of Sara from my life and I'm honestly really bitter rn. You are far from the first person I've snapped at but I am desperately trying to keep it under control. Because it's not anyone's fault and no one can change it and I get that. So I just feel worse when I realize what I'm doing. Idk.

This isn't an easy situation to be in and I'm sorry you've gotten caught in the middle of it through no fault of your own just for doing the right thing and learning things for your patients. I do want you to understand how much I appreciate that. It means a lot to me. And I don't want to chase you off from learning more. I just am very very frustrated because there's probably a therapist out there that I'd actually vibe super well with and everything but they won't fucking learn their shit and I won't benefit from it otherwise. Many therapists who have been in the field for a while feel like they know everything. And that's Gabel's biggest issue. She thinks she knows damned everything about trans people but still subscribes to "You have to want surgery, HRT, binary pronouns and designations, and everything must be binary no matter what." As a treatment method. And that's not helpful. That's in fact very very harmful to the vast majority of trans people out there ans hearing a young trans person break down and SOB because Gabel told them they weren't trans because they're nonbinary is heart wrenching and it will literally make you hate her. I didn't hate her for saying it to me. I hated her for saying it to others who cried over it. I hated her for being the trash that tries to strictly control access to our community's most vital methods of dysphoria reduction.

I really do want you to understand that you aren't doing anything really wrong with me. You're doing the best with what you've got. The situation is just kinda fucked. There's a whole lot I need to sift through and I'm not fully convinced that any singular therapist can help me with it all. But rn... My options aren't very expansive and I'd rather not go searching when I could be making small amounts of progress. And yeah I do feel like the progress is still THERE. It's definitely happening more slowly but it's there. Idk what there really is to do in order to speed it up or if there even is anything. Maybe I need a break? I don't know. My brain seems to want to do more fun stuff than productive stuff rn. And like idk. It's weird for me. I never really got into the habit of doing productive stuff. For a good long while there was no action I could take that could truly be productive beyond basic survival. And I was never taught a good many skills most people learn young. I was very VERY fortunate my granny taught me to cook. She taught me the basics and how to eyeball measurements and all that and luckily cooking was something I started to enjoy. Especially making weird stuff. I made this chicken dish several times as a teenager. Basically came of a misunderstanding over the phone between me and my granny. I ended up using a seasoning mix my mom used called "Nature's Seasons." And putting that into some flour, and like putting a fuck ton I mean of that seasoning, and putting some water in it until it was the consistency of runnyish pancake batter. Like, will pour but not super quickly and some will be left behind to scrape out but ultimately you won't have to scrape out the majority. Cut potatoes into irregular fry shapes (like triangles and cubes and thin slices all at once.),put them in a greased pan to about 1/2 - 3/4 of the way up, parted them and put two to three seasoned chicken thighs (bone in) nested into the potatoes and poured the flour, water, sesoning mixture over it and let it bake for about an hour or two (I can't remember how long it took but it was a full pan of raw food so it took a long ass time) at like 375 - 400 degrees and then after I was certain everything was fully cooked through, I would turn it onto broil at 450 and let it set in there for 10 minutes and it'd get nice and crispy and it was FUCKING GOOD. Also forgot to mention to season the potatoes because it tastes way better if you do.

I figured it out. The first time I was intially trying to make something else but when it became clear it wouldn't work, I switched it to something else and it worked and it became really good. I made that like twice a month or more and ate on it for a few days. My parents actually started asking what I was making because it smelled good and they were like "Why has the oven been on for like 11 years?" Which, yeah, fair question. And I let them try it and my granny and they all liked it. It doesn't LOOK appetizing at first. It actually looks gross af. But it's goooooodddd. That last ten minutes makes it look way better though. Crisps it up. Especially the chicken skin.

Idk why I just got onto a tangent about cooking but I said what I said.

I really... I do want to make sure I make it clear though that... I don't really blame you for any of this and actually appreciate what you've done. Just sometimes I feel trapped (and this has happened before) because no one seems to know what the fuck they/them pronouns are. And hell, you still fuck that up sometimes but I can see the effort. The effort is what matters to me. Btw that's not a value judgement. Sara fucked it up sometimes too. Until the very last appointment. But she kept trying. And so did you. That's like the one thing you have in common with her, lol. But yeah, that's something people are gonna fuck up but I can't babysit a therapist and correct them every time they use pronouns for me because magically in the span of five minutes they've forgotten that my pronouns are they/them. There's a difference between you or Sara accidentally using a binary pronoun set for me or someone else who uses they/them like once every few times we see each other. But when it happens mutliple times in every session? That's pretty blatant. They're not trying. And at that point, I cannot trust them. If they cannot self-regulate their use of pronouns, how tf can I trust that they're keeping aware of any other aspect of my recovery? And that's something I do think you struggle with sometimes. There are many layers to me and remembering more than like three of them can be pretty daunting. But I do believe you're giving it your best go. And I'm not just giving you BS credit here. Sara forgot things a lot too. She eventually just said "Please just tell me because my brain isn't cooperating." And she wouldn't apologize. Because she'd done nothing wrong. She would just calmly and patiently direct me on what she needed from me in order to move forward. I don't expect you to remember everything. But please ask directly if you have even the slightest doubt. And yes, often that will frustrate me. But you know why I didn't get like that with Sara? She made it very clear in a very concise way that she just couldn't remember. I don't expect you to just be Sara. That will never happen. But I think there are some skills she's learned that could be useful to you. Just ask. I don't need to know that you're sorry. I know you are without you telling me.

Sara and I came to that understanding fairly early but I think it's because we had this weird mind meld ability to read each other. Like absolutely a fuckin trip because she'd call me out and I'd be like "Damn you're good. Holy shit." And then I'd interpret something in my head and then it'd get brought up in verbal communication and she'd just look at me and be like "How did you know that?" And I explained my reasoning and she would look impressed for a split second before turning away and looking at her computer for a moment and (probably questioning all her skills at hiding her emotions she's ever learned in her life) and do something for a moment. She really met her match with me lol. We're both tough nuts to crack lol. But we cracked each other wide open. And wow the more I say this the more it sounds like sex puns oh god no. Anyway. We can read each other really well, I think partly because we have similar ways of thinking about things. And idk. That helps a LOT.

She did her part though. She got me motivated and mommed me into doing rhings like cleaning. Told me she was proud of me whenever I did something I needed to. Okay, not every time. But it was nice to know that someone was proud of my progress. That there was someone looking at me fumble through life and thinking "God, look at them. They're like a baby but I know why it's like that and I am so proud of them for learning now. Look at them go." and she eventually got me semi-stable and that's when some of the trauma started to come into play and she knew that wasn't something she was equipper to help me with. So she sent me over to you. And that was a wise decision on her part. And I think you've helped me a lot. I'm just... Not sure what my options are moving forward. idk. I'll write more later.