#but seeing someone open up and be vulnerable like that? actually devastating....i could never

[rucow]

watching a therapy session with one of my favourite artists has left me in shambles oh.. ohhh... ohhhg my godd......😭😭😭

[buckybabesonly]

Heart of Glass

Summary: You hate it when Bucky is mad, but it's a thousand times worse when you're the one he's mad at.

Pairing: Bucky x female!Reader

Genre: Angst, fluff

Warnings: Insecure reader, self-deprecation, self-harm (?)

A/N: I love stories like these so thought I'd take a stab at it. Please do leave feedback, they are always encouraging!

Length: 4.8k

It had taken Bucky a long time to open up to you. His journey of being able to face what he had done as the Winter Soldier was long and arduous, and still ongoing. He had vivid nightmares, ones which alleviated in frequency over the course of the last few years, but which still sometimes made an unwelcome appearance.

His own healing was a work in progress, so it was no surprise that it was still a struggle for him to divulge certain aspects to you. He found it difficult letting himself be vulnerable, even around people he trusted, and insight into his past had been offered to you in scattered pieces.

You had been patient, although you wished that Bucky would feel comfortable revealing more. You never judged him, and you just wanted to help and do your part in the recovery process, if you could. It was much worse hearing the exacerbated, hateful stories of the Winter Soldier from other people’s mouths - the Internet was a horrid place, and whilst there were still a lot of people who supported Bucky Barnes and the Avengers in general, there were just as many people who would not forgive him for being the Winter Soldier.

You knew that you shouldn’t have done what you did. You and Bucky had been together for just over a year, friends for three times that long. It hadn’t all been flowers and rainbows - it had been a tumultuous relationship and you had had your ups and downs, but at the end of the day, you knew you had found your person. You were both learning and growing together, navigating the tougher obstacles in your relationship with enthusiasm. You had finally found someone you were truly madly in love with, and you felt so lucky.

It wasn’t easy, working for S.H.I.E.L.D as an agent which was a demanding career in itself, and dating someone who was almost in constant danger and carrying out often life-threatening missions. But you made it work. Getting to love Bucky and have him love you back was worth anything, and you loved being able to see him smile and, what’s more, being his reason to smile.

On the same token, you hated seeing him unhappy. It was the most devastating feeling in the world, in times when he was disappointed in himself, or when he had woken up from a particularly bad nightmare, or after one of his mandated therapy sessions. 

The worst thing was seeing him mad. And it’s a thousand times worse when you’re the one he’s mad at.

You knew that you shouldn’t have done it. You felt guilty as you passed your colleagues desk and your eyes naturally flickered to a familiar name in recognition. BARNES, JAMES BUCHANAN.

You frowned slightly, realizing that his file was on a pile alongside a couple of other familiar names. It wasn’t unusual for another agent to have his file out, particularly if he was looking into specific incidents that Bucky may have been involved in the past, but you had never actually seen it in front of you before.

Of course, it would have been easy for you to find the file and look for yourself. Everything had electronic copies these days, or you could have grabbed the physical copies from the archive. But you had never done it, as it just didn’t feel right. Reading up on your boyfriend’s past like his life was a history book.

Still, despite yourself, you paused. You found your hand reaching out and you took a deep breath of momentary hesitation before you flicked open the file. 

An assortment of photos and documents were stacked neatly inside. You couldn’t help it as you found your eyes consuming the information, flicking from page to page. The guilt was building in your gut the longer you spent, standing slightly crouched over the desk, consuming the information with an uncomfortable lump in your throat.

You wanted to cry. You felt your hate for HYDRA increase ten-fold, thinking about all the pain they inflicted on Bucky to manipulate him into their own personal killing machine, thinking about how they had simply made him hurt all those people. Bucky often had the most stoic, cool exterior, but you knew inside he was just your soft, gentle boyfriend. The most beautiful man you knew had been forced to be an assassin against his will.

And now he had to live with the consequences. It’s so unfair, you thought as tears of anger pricked your eyes. You were a very empathetic person, especially when it came to him, and you found yourself feeling quietly furious.

You slammed the file shut, conflicted emotions making you feel both angry and guilty. You always had an idea of what HYDRA had made Bucky do, of course, but actually consuming the detail within his file had made it come to life in your mind. All you wanted during the course of your time with Bucky was to get a better view from his shoes, if only to help you relate a bit more to his suffering. You loved him so much and you wanted nothing more than to help him.

At the same time, you knew it wasn’t right, snooping like this. You always told yourself to just wait, and eventually Bucky would trust you enough to share everything. 

You started to wonder if you had done something wrong as you slowly walked away from the desk, nibbling your bottom lip. You cleared your throat uncomfortably, frowning as the contents of the file plagued your mind. You decided you would have to come clean to Bucky about this.

“What?” Bucky said quietly, cocking his head to the side as if he really had genuinely misheard you. However, as you studied the look in his eyes, you knew that he had heard every word.

“I know it was wrong. Bucky, I’m - “

“If you knew it was wrong, then why did you do it?” Bucky interrupted, his eyebrows drawing together as he frowned. Anger was starting to distort his face, and he kept his voice quiet and low.

You were mute for a long minute, your cheeks flushing as he stared at you, waiting for you to speak. You were both stood in your bedroom, you with your back against the window and his against the door. The distance between you felt painful.

“Do you know what a violation of my privacy that is?” he continued when you didn’t speak, his jaw twitching.

“I was just trying to - just trying to understand,” you said, trying to find the right words. “I just thought that if I knew what they did to you, then I could help you.”

“How would you be able to help?” Bucky was furious, but in that quiet, almost calm way that frightened you the most. His brow was slightly furrowed, corners of lips turned down into a frown, but the biggest giveaway was his clenched fists. They were shaking almost impercetibly.

It was scarier when he didn’t raise his voice, and your fingers twitched uncomfortably by your sides, wanting to reach out to him.

“I don’t know,” you whispered. “I thought that if I could understand what happened, then maybe I could help with your nightmares, help talk to you about the past.”

Bucky exhaled loudly, shaking his head. “Are you my therapist? What were you hoping to do, read my entire past and diagnose me?” He regarded you with a look of bewilderment and fury.

“No, I - “

“No, listen,” Bucky said, frustration rising in his throat, breaking his barely composed facade. “Do you have any idea how messed up that is? There’s a reason why I didn’t tell you everything at my own pace, and you went behind my back and fucking investigated me? How do you think that makes me feel? You couldn’t even respect me enough to let me tell you out of my own choice!”

You opened your mouth, but no words came out. You knew you had fucked up majorly. He was glaring at you, waiting for you to say something.

“I’m so sorry, Buck. I really didn’t have any bad intentions, I just - “

“It doesn’t matter,” Bucky spat out. “It doesn’t matter that you didn’t have any bad intentions. You think I’m proud of what I did as the fucking Winter Soldier? It haunts me, and I have to live with him for the rest of my fucking life. I - I trusted you, and you betrayed it.”

I let out a slight whimper at his words, knowing the venomous words he was spitting out was completely true. 

“I have to fight so hard, every day, not to fall apart with the knowledge and memories of what the Winter Soldier did, what I did.” 

“Bucky, please,” you said, taking a step forward, tears pricking your eyes. “I’m so sorry. I know I shouldn’t have done that, I am so, so sorry.”

Bucky shook his head, moving away from me and lifting his hands as a warning. “Don’t. Just - don’t.”

He turned his back, making to leave. 

“Can we just talk about this?” you asked desperately, not wanting him to go. You were terrified that he wouldn’t come back.

“I need some space,” Bucky said sharply without turning to look back at you. He left and pulled the door shut with such force that you jumped, tears finally escaping.

You had no idea how you were going to fix this.

Bucky and you had one rule. Never go to bed angry at each other.

It was a rule you had instigated. You hated going to bed whilst you were in the throes of a fight, and the first time you had argued - something petty, really - you had pouted at Bucky and demanded that you make up. 

He was relieved at that time as it was such a silly fight and he was anxious that you would give him the silent treatment. But he laughed as you jumped into his arms, kissing his cheek and letting him know all was forgiven.

“New rule - we can’t go to bed angry at each other,” you had announced at the time.

“Yes, my liege,” Bucky had responded.

Bucky wasn’t answering your calls or texts. You left 15 voicemails and 24 text messages, all apologizing and asking him to talk. You knew you should give him space, as it was only fair for him to digest what had happened and process, but you felt like you couldn’t function.

You wanted him by your side so you could apologize over and over again and tell him, genuinely, how regretful you were.

There was no excuse. Your face was tear-stained and eyes puffy as you paced your apartment, the clock having struck midnight a long time ago, with no sight of Bucky.

When four AM rolled round, you finally passed out on the couch whilst waiting for him. When your alarm rudely woke you up at seven, you startled and immediately ran into the bedroom, although you knew he wouldn’t be there.

The bed was empty, still made from the previous morning and untouched.

You could cry all over again.

You hurried to get ready nonetheless, and made your way to the Avengers Tower. You were involved in some S.H.I.E.L.D projects that were being hosted there, and you knew it was the place Bucky was most likely to be.

You checked your phone obsessively on the way to the Tower. No calls or messages from Bucky.

You groaned internally. He had never ignored you like this before. The gravity of the situation was slowly growing heavier and heavier - he was your Bucky, the one who always took care of you and worried over you and was by your side almost 24/7 whenever he wasn’t out on a mission, but now he was actively avoiding you. 

More and more fear started to creep into the mix alongside the guilt. Would Bucky leave you over this?

When you arrived at the Tower, you expected it to be a lot harder to find him than it was. But he was in the training room, the first place you looked.

“Bucky,” you said quietly as soon as you saw him. He was serving blows mercilessly to a punching bag hung from the ceiling, as if he needed the practice. You knew he was letting off steam. He was dressed in a t-shirt and sweatpants, his hair hanging over his forehead in sweaty tendrils, his face slightly red. 

Bucky barely even flinched. He didn’t acknowledge you at all, eyes never leaving the bag in front of him.

“Can we talk?” you asked tentatively. 

No response.

“Bucky, if you don’t reply, I’m just going to start talking at you, and I really don’t want to do that,” you said. All you wanted him to do was at least look at you.

Bucky stopped then and you heaved a sigh of relief. But instead of speaking, he simply wrapped a towel around his shoulders and turned his back on you, leaving out of the door on the other side of the room.

You felt rocks fall to the bottom of your stomach, and the urge to cry reared its ugly head yet again.

Bucky hadn’t spoken to you for two days. He hadn’t returned to your apartment for two days.

You had cried all of those days. You tried to find him and corner him to make him face you, but after that day in the training room, he had really been avoiding you. You had only seen him once in those two days, and he immediately disappeared as soon as he saw you.

It hurt so much. Like someone had stabbed you and, what’s more, was twisting the handle. 

You knew you deserved it. You had really hurt Bucky, but part of you was still terrified of what he would do. How long would he wait until he decided to speak to you again? Was he going to break up with you?

You didn’t know how to fix it. You were ashamed to tell Sam, even though you wanted to ask his advice on what to do. You had done something so bad that you didn’t want to face his disappointment, too, although you were certain Bucky may have already told him.

Still, it hurt so bad. All you wanted Bucky to do was hug you and tell you it was alright, instead you were met with indifference and the back of his head. He wouldn’t even look at you. 

You would rather he shouted at you, screamed at you, anything to actually make him talk and acknowledge your existence. But he continued to ice you out, and your heart was breaking.

Bucky knew he loved you even before you officially became a couple. He loved how funny you were, how hard working you were, how you always listened to his side of the story, how you took care of him and patiently explained anything to him that he still didn’t quite understand about the modern world.

There were a lot of great women, but to Bucky, you had stood out. From day one, you had cared about him. Little things, like asking about his favorite songs from the 40s, making sure his head was covered with your umbrella when it was raining even though your shoulder was getting wet, ensuring he got three solid meals a day and that his favorite snacks were stored in the pantry.

Bigger things, too, like letting him share the burden of his past with you without ever a word of judgment or disdain, encouraging him to visit his parents’ grave on the anniversary of their death and making the journey with him, sharing memories of Steve whenever Bucky was missing him. You were his rock, and he felt like he had mined the most precious diamond.

He knew he could tell you anything, but his sordid past as the Winter Soldier was still something he was trying to overcome himself. He was ashamed, and part of him was worried that you would suddenly think less of him. See him as the monster that he used to be, the monster that he sometimes saw himself as.

He hated the thought of poisoning your mind with unsavory images of himself and the knowledge of what he had done.

He was so angry to know that you saw his file. But the majority of his feelings came from the fact that he was so laden with guilt. He didn’t want you to know the ugly truth when all you had seen of him so far was the better version of himself that he was trying to be.

How could he forget his past when you knew every disgusting detail now, too? When you had now also seen the faces of all the people he had killed?

At the same time, he believed you when you said you were just trying to help. That was just your nature. He knew that you genuinely thought if you understood, you could offer assistance and ease his silent torment.

But anger prevailed, and he found himself ignoring you for days, even though he felt so immature doing it. He just couldn’t face you right now, even as you stared at him with wide, hopeful eyes. He could barely avoid meeting your gaze and instead chose to turn away completely, as if pretending you weren’t there would alleviate the pain. He was afraid that if he looked at you a little too long, his resolve would shatter.

It was exceptionally poor timing that your birthday rolled around after five days of total radio silence from Bucky. You had forgotten, actually, until you entered the Tower and a fellow agent had wished you a happy birthday. 

You gave her a weak smile as you muttered some made up plans about how you would be celebrating. 

You wanted to burst out crying when you saw Bucky that morning, in the kitchen at the Tower.

He was leaning against the kitchen island, a smile on his face, a smile you hadn’t seen for almost a week. He was talking to an agent, a decent girl you had worked with before. You liked her, actually, as did a lot of people. He was talking to her about something, looking more relaxed than you had seen him since you had the fight.

He hadn’t noticed you as you observed the two of them. You didn’t think anything flirtatious was going on, but still, it hurt to see him smiling softly at someone else when he hadn’t paid you any attention for so long.

Part of you wasn’t sure if Bucky was going to speak to you today. But it was your birthday, after all - he always made a big deal out of it, asking you what you wanted to do and making sure you got a cake and flowers and all the romantic works. He always told you that you were his greatest gift, and so he couldn’t miss celebrating the day that you were brought into the world.

If he didn’t speak to you today, you think you would be sick.

You were so caught up in your thoughts that you didn’t realize the agent Bucky was talking to was leaving, and as she walked past you, you felt Bucky’s eyes on you. You met his gaze hesitantly, blinking wordlessly.

He paused, and you could almost see the gears turning in his brain as he decided what to do.

His smile dissipated, and he turned his back on you.

When you returned home that night, you cried your eyes out. You sat on the couch forlornly, staring at the door, half-expecting him to burst through at any moment with an apology and kisses waiting to be pressed onto your lips.

Midnight struck, and you went to bed alone.

Six days.

Bucky had not spoken to you in six days, and honestly, he felt like shit.

He had never been so angry at you before, but he was surprised at himself that his silent streak had lasted so long. To be honest, the time had passed quickly, as he had kept himself as busy as possible. 

As Bucky came down from his angry high, the feeling of guilt and sadness overwhelmed him at the thought of you being unhappy. He knew that this period of time would be tough on you, although he stood by his point that you should not have read his file behind his back, especially as you knew how sensitive he was about his past.

And yet, ultimately, he recalled that you only had his best interests at heart, even if you were going about it the wrong way. He sighed as he approached the Tower elevator, stepping inside just as Sam came running down the hallway, shouting at him to hold.

Bucky stabbed the close door button repeatedly, cursing as Sam slid past just in the nick of time, punching him playfully.

“You in a mood, princess?” he snickered, taking note of the dark circles under Bucky’s eyes. “You been up all night with your girl?”

Bucky let out a tsk. He sighed as the elevator descended.

“No. Haven’t spoken to her actually,” he admitted.

“Woah, wait. What do you mean?” Sam asked when he realized Bucky was being serious.

“Had a fight,” Bucky said reluctantly.

Sam frowned lightly. “On her birthday?”

Bucky froze as he opened his mouth to clarify that the fight had began a few days ago. His mind racked to confirm today’s date.

Shit. It was your birthday yesterday.

“Oh fuck,” Bucky said, head lolling back to bash against the glass elevator wall. 

“You okay, man?” Sam asked, clearly concerned.

“I messed up,” he sighed in response, pinching the bridge of his nose. God, now he wanted to cry. How could he do this to you? He was already beginning to feel like he’d gone overboard with his reaction as the days passed and the red haze of anger dissolved from his eyes, clouding his better judgment, but now he truly felt like he had gone about everything so wrongly. 

You had always gone on about the importance of communication in a relationship, and how you both needed to work together to overcome any challenges, and that one of the things you valued the most was being open and honest.

He imagined you sat alone at home, on your birthday, waiting expectantly for him to turn up. 

His chest hurt.

You lay down in bed as the sun set, darkness filling the room.

You had the covers over your head as the tears wet your pillow, your head hurting so much from all the crying and dehydration.

Your world was truly coming down around you. You were about to lose the best thing that had ever happened to you. Bucky was going to leave you, and it was your fault. The past few days had really unveiled your most deep rooted fear, that the love of your life was going to abandon you.

“You’re so stupid,” you whispered to yourself. “So stupid. So fucking stupid.”

You ignored the incessant buzzing of your phone. Your friends had been calling you since your birthday yesterday, concerned that you hadn’t picked up even once. You didn’t care. If Bucky wasn’t here, then you just wanted to be alone.

You always knew you weren’t good enough for him. Always knew that he would leave you eventually. Out of all the people in the world, what on earth would make him choose you?

You threw the covers off of you as a new surge of rage overwhelmed you. 

“You are so fucking stupid!” you screamed out loud, letting the anger seep through your body, expel through your lungs. You stormed over to your mirror and punched the glass once, twice, until it cracked and sliced your knuckles, blood trickling immediately over your hand.

Bucky was going to leave you. 

Your knees buckled and you collapsed onto the floor, head hanging as tears dripped down onto the carpet. 

“So stupid,” you continued in a whisper. “So useless, so stupid, so -”

“What the fuck are you doing?” came a loud voice, and your head snapped up with such speed that your head spun.

Bucky was standing in the open doorway, expression aghast as he took in the sight of you. Red, swollen eyes, bleeding hand, sitting in front of the broken mirror.

“Bucky,” you said weakly, voice trembling. He had come back to break up with you.

You always knew he would do it eventually. Your relationship was too good to be true.

“Oh my god,” Bucky hissed as he darted forward, moving down on his knees to join you and gently lifting your wounded hand. “What have you done?”

You started to cry again, feeling so pathetic. Bucky shook his head, eyes frantic.

“No, no, no, doll, please don’t cry,” he said, his voice softening.

“I’m sorry,” you garbled, voice thick with guilt. “I know I fucked up, I know. I’m so sorry Bucky. Please don’t leave me.”

The desperation in your voice broke Bucky’s heart. He wrapped his arms around you, holding you as tight as he could without hurting you, pressing his lips against the top of your head.

“Listen to me. I’m not going to leave you,” he said firmly. He pulled back and studied your face carefully, trying to keep his voice steady for your sake. “I need to patch you up, okay?”

You sniffled, nodding once before he stood up and disappeared into the bathroom. He reappeared with a first aid kit, kneeling down once more and inspecting your hand.

“Why did you do that, doll?” he murmured, a pained look in his eyes as he began to clean you up. It wasn’t a serious injury, just a scratch compared to some of the other battle wounds you had received in the past, but the idea that you had done that to yourself made Bucky so sad.

“I’m sorry,” you whispered again. “I’m just - I don’t know. I’m so angry at myself. Please will you forgive me? For everything?”

Bucky’s eyes welled up as he paused with his tending to your hand, biting down hard on the inside of his cheek to stop himself from crying. You were the most important person in the world to him and he had been pushing you away, had completely forgotten your birthday, and you had hurt yourself because of him when all you wanted was to help him.

“I forgive you,” he whispered, kissing your forehead tenderly. “Will you forgive me?”

“There’s nothing to forgive you for,” you insisted as he resumed cleaning your wound. You could see his eyes were wet, and you were nonplussed at why that would be.

“Yes, there is,” Bucky said, wearing a look of shame that you didn’t understand. “I know that your heart is always in the right place. Instead of talking to you about it, I just shut you out. No matter how angry I was, I shouldn’t have done that. I hurt you.”

He worked quickly, bandaging your hand and slowly holding your wrist after. His solemn blue eyes finally met yours.

“I love you so much. I should have stayed to talk, but I just… left. I shouldn't have done that.” He took a deep breath. “I walked away because I couldn’t stand the thought of you knowing everything. Knowing all the people I’ve killed - some of them innocent people. Read about how cold I was, the - the complete lack of mercy I showed. I am a monster.”

“Bucky,” you whispered, lifting your good hand to tenderly touch his face. You were hesitant, as if you were afraid he would withdraw from your touch. Instead, he leaned against your palm, eyes closed. He turned to press a kiss into your hand.

“I thought - “ you began, taking a deep breath at the insecurity and uncertainty that still plagued you. “I thought you were going to break up with me.”

Bucky’s eyes opened to stare at you forlornly, as if hurt that you would even have this thought.

“Never,” he said firmly. “You have no idea how much I have missed you.”

You launched yourself into his arms then, willing Bucky’s strong arms to encircle you. He did just that, holding you close as you sobbed quietly into his shoulder. 

“Let me make it up to you, okay?” Bucky murmured. “Belated birthday celebration.”

“It’s enough that you’re here,” you whispered.

You still had a lot to talk about, but you felt so much better now that Bucky was standing by your side again. Maybe everything was going to be alright.

[watchmegetobsessed]

i just had another idea: harry and yn are best friends, they are in college and harry makes up a ridiculous plan how he wants to get together with yn bc ofc he has been in love with her since forever: the plan is that they go to a speed dating event and they will have their own round and harry will make yn realise he is her best match. but what he didn’t expect is yn hitting it off with another guy before he had the chance to go through with his plan.

they end up dating and harry is miserable inside but ofc he wants to support her bc he loves her more than anyone. time passes and she stays with the guy, it seems like they are actually the perfect match so harry tries to move on but no one compares to yn.

then she gets engaged, he is devastated. wedding planning starts, she asks him to be her maid of honour bc she doesn’t have any good girl friends and ofc he accepts but his heart is breaking. then its the night before the wedding, she is a nervous wreck, ends up getting a bit drunk and confesses to harry that she is afraid she is making a mistake.

harry takes his last chance to come clean so he tells her he is in love with her and begs her not to marry the guy. she is in shock at first and then she asks why he never told her, why he waited until her wedding day, her most emotional and vulnerable moment to bring it all up instead of saying something earlier and now he is shocked by her reaction starts rambling about not wanting to ruin her relationship and she is pissed bc ruining her wedding seems fine to him, they have a huge fight and she tells him to leave and not come to the wedding either.

so he doesn’t, he goes home to have some time away from everyone and everything and he is disconnected fully bc he doesn’t want to see the wedding content from their friends. a week passes by and he finally turns his phone on and realises there was no wedding.

he rushes back to find her, from the airport he goes straight to her place but he finds out she moved away from her now ex fiancee and he has no idea where she is. he heads home, defeated and lost, but when he arrives home he finds her there.

she is like “was there a moment you wanted to tell me? before the wedding?”

and harry goes “the speed dating event, i took you there so we could match and i could tell you.”

she is shocked, that she was so close to finding it out but that was the moment she met her ex and then she tells him how she has always been in love with him but when he took her to the dating event she thought he wanted to meet other girls and she would never stand a chance so she decided to open up to someone else and that all through her relationship she could never feel complete bc she wished it was him.

the ending is obvious, they finally get together and make up for all the time they wasted on others hehe

[liyawritesss]

ʏᴏᴜ ᴀʀᴇ ᴍʏ ᴘᴇᴀᴄᴇ ᴏꜰ ᴍɪɴᴅ

Characters: MCU!Shuri Udaku x Black!Fem!Reader

Type: Fic

Word Count: 1.2k

Synopsis: In your embrace, Shuri reflects on how far she’s come, and how your love has helped her through it all.

Warnings: mentions of t’challa and ramonda’s death, slight angst, overall bittersweet fluff, vulnerable!shuri

A/N: this was written as me taking a break from writing the series for a bit due to some blockage. I think it’s pretty cute…we need some vulnerable!shuri in our lives. Suggested Songs: "I Gotta Find Peace of Mind" by Lauryn Hill, "Not Today" by Alessia Cara

Tags: @inmyheadimobsessed @badass-dora-milaje @babyboiboyega @verachii @heartsforjojo @letitias-fav @kingstormpostsshit @shurismainbxtch @zayswriting @rxcently @nzia-writes @writingintheshadowsforever @hufflehans @kokichiis7 @h34rtsformilli @typicalme13 @shuris3leg @generallysapphic @ziayamikaelson @shuriszn @percsane @justariellove @n7cje @mbakuetshurisprincess @mxyx-rx444 @hippiedippyshit @arin-swear-rose @locoforshuri @sinsikoxo @6-noir @naomis-daydream @missdforever

It’s midnight, Shuri is sure of it. She can tell by the height of which the moon hangs in the sky, how brightly it shines into her bedchambers, casting a soft white-ish blue glow into the room. It stretches as far as the the frame of her floor to ceiling windows will allow it, cutting off just as the glow covers her large bed, of which she rests in. She’s propped up against the headboard, the moon’s shine casting an ethereal glow upon her cocoa skin. She sports a simple black sleepshirt, one that belonged to her brother years ago. It used to be a dress on her, swallowing her frame, and while it’s still rather baggy on her, she’s grown into the certain pieces she’s stolen from his closet as a late teenager. They’re part of the last remaining memorabilia of her brother, T’Challa. She doesn’t cry when she wears his clothes anymore. She slips into them, allowing the faint scent of sage and teakwood to envelop her, and she remembers the good days instead.

On her right hand, a ring rests on her thumb. It was her mothers; thick and gold and as shiny as if it were made that day. It is designed to replicate the look of a braid - at least, she has always believed that to be the case - with loops and interlocking of parts of the band that follow around the circumference of it. Shuri can hear her mother’s voice now - perhaps it is her own mind conjuring up the memory of her mother lecturing her on the meaning of it, perhaps it is actually her mother speaking beyond the Ancestral Plane - and she is reminded of it’s meaning; the depiction of infiniteness in any aspect of the wearer’s discretion. In Ramonda’s case, it was made to depict the infiniteness of her love; for her family, for her people, for her country - both maiden and current. 

Love, Shuri thinks; yes, her mother’s love is indeed infinite. She feels her mother’s presence in the moon - soft, regal, and calm, just as it was when she was alive.

Her hand is placed atop yours, and she smiles softly. She is having yours made at this very moment, in the traditional way it was originally created. She thought you’d like it that way. She hopes you do.

It would only be a small token of Shuri’s affections for you, but nonetheless, one with much meaning. She remembers how she was originally apprehensive when meeting you. She was apprehensive about everything back then. Yet now, you’ve secured yourself a place in her bed, and have carved yourself a place in her heart, and Shuri could no longer imagine life without you.

It was a terrifying feeling, Shuri remembers, opening up to someone once more, much less, falling in love. Romance was never intended to be a part of her story, you see. Shuri no more believed in love than she did in the Ancestral Plane, in the traditions of old. She had been married to her occupation as a scientist for the majority of her life, and even after the devastations of war and the death of her family, she never yearned for a romantic partner. And yet, you’d changed her entire perspective on the subject matter in ways even she couldn’t comprehend.

Shuri sighs as she traces your sleeping figure, commemorating your facial features to memory as she had done numerous times before, but always found herself mesmerized time and time again.

Your love was something Shuri could never comprehend. It was an equation she’d become comfortable not being able to solve. She’d come to understand that perhaps there were things in the world that didn’t need to be explained, and if it meant she could experience the love you’d provided for her for the rest of her days, then Shuri would willfully bask in her own ignorance for as long as need be.

Your love was gentle. No matter how harsh her words or standoffish nature was, the feathery touch of your affection always reeled her back into you. 

Your love was deep. She felt it in her core with every kiss, becoming one with her bone marrow and spreading outwards to the rest of her body.

Your love was healing. Shuri had believed herself to be broken beyond repair, and yet, when you came into her life, you helped her pick up the pieces, fitting them back together. You’d cultivated the monarch into a woman who learned from her pain, using it as a guide.

Your love was peaceful. It quelled the darkness in her mind that plagued her existence. On days where it became hard to think, hard to breathe, hard to exist - your tender touch and the beat of your heart gave her peace of mind.

That’s what you are, Shuri thinks, you are my peace of mind.

A hum erupts from your lips, and a small puddle of guilt forms in Shuri’s stomach as you stir awake, believing herself to be the cause of your broken slumber. Your eyes flutter open, and the soft irises that come to meet her own absolutely melts her. It almost pushes away that guilt, and with it, the apology that is ready to spill from her lips. Feeling her gaze soften on you, a small, sleepy smile graces your lips. 

“My love, you’re not supposed to be up,” You murmur, your shoulders shifting, causing the blanket covering them to slip off ever so slightly, “come here, baby.”

Shuri doesn’t even think twice about obeying your request. She’s more than happy to oblige, sliding down the mattress to match your position, facing you. Shifting onto your back, you pull Shuri’s head to rest on your chest, and she wraps her strong arms around your body, allowing the warmth of your body to penetrate her cold skin. She shudders softly, which is soon soothed by your hand caressing her back, smoothing out the fabric of her sleepshirt. She more than welcomes it.

“Thinking too much again?” You hum. Shuri feels the vibrations of your voice through your chest. She nots into your skin, nuzzling deep into the crevice of your neck, finding comfort in your warmth and your scent. 

“Relax, beloved,” you whisper to her, your hand trailing up to the nape of her neck, gently caressing the blunt fuzz that was her undercut, your thumb stroking the space lovingly, “I have you. Let your mind rest.”

Shuri nods into your neck once more. It only takes three deep inhales of your scent for the monarch to feel her mind already slowing to a halt. You continue to whisper sweet nothings into her ear, as her body gradually relaxes into your hold. It takes a few minutes, but soon, Shuri stills, her heart rate leveling out as she falls into slumber, still holding you close. You are just as much of her anchor when she’s asleep as when she’s awake.

And as this nightly ritual comes to an end, with the two of you holding each other impossibly close, basking in your love underneath the moonlight, Shuri’s final thoughts before she gives in to the sleep that begs for her, is she has found her peace of mind; and her peace of mind will forever be you.

[quitealotofsodapop]

Wukong: Can you not call my old friends and troop assholes in front of their own rejncarnations!?

Macaque: Peaches... they used a torture device on you. I know you keep saying you deserved it, but they still used it on you! Worst. The pig and the monk abused it!

Wukong: They... they changed! They stopped doing it, and they aren't around anymore, so it's still disrespectful to speak of them like that!

Macaque: Just because they stopped doing it means it was right that they did it at all! Guanyin herself said the purpose of that was only in defense of the Monkey, in the event you were to turn on him, not to be used as a disciplinary action for "chewing too loudly!"

The family is just watching this argument going down with that feeling of they need to stop this, but also, this is clearly a conversation that needs to be had out after millenia of these two arguing over Wukong's asshole friends. Secretly, Pigsy and Tang agree with Macaque and definitely lost any and all respect for their so-called ancestors after hearing that bit about the monk abusing Wukong, something Tang can actually confirm from just opening any random page of the freaking book set after Wukong got the filet! They especially are upset about that since Wukong clearly doesn't see it that way, and that somehow makes it worse. Because now the Monkey King isn't just some character in a book or a myth. He's real, he's right in front of them, and he's Qi Wu. Their silly, goofy, somewhat oblivious to social norms Qi Wu! He's a person, a real person who can actually bleed and hurt and feel emotionally vulnerable. A person they love as a son, weird as it is, once they realize he's actually thousands of years old.

referencing this post.

An arguement like this is probably what led to Wukong and Mac having their Big Fight during the au that led to their brief separation.

Tripitaka I feel wasn't conciously abusive towards Wukong, but he was still a mega-stressed out young adult who had the reins to a murder monkey. He was reared in a super strict buddhist background, and likely thought physical punishment was "normal" to an extent. He also didn't know how the fillet's punishment felt. He def had some major regret at having used the golden circlet/fillet sutra when Wukong was undeserving of it (but not the times Wukong tried to kill him at the start) - I feel that he used a few times when Wukong was acting uncouth at a fancy dinner or a holy site and it was only afterwards that he felt so gotdang bad about it.

Zhu Bajie on the otherhand literally goaded the monk into using the circlet as punishment out of spite toward Wukong (seen during the White Bone Spirit arc). He saw it as funny. Did he ever regret it? Maybe. He'd never admit it either way.

And even if both pilgrims eventually found the punishment unnessary or cruel, it doesn't change that they did it and the fact that Wukong ended up being conditioned into believing that he "deserved it".

Not only that, but the Macaque chapter itself is a turning point where Tripitaka realises (with Guanyin telling him off for banishing Monkey) that he'd been mistreating someone who considered him a father figure.

Ironically, it was likely Macaque's "death" that made Tripitaka stop using the fillet entirely since he had his own revelation on how badly he treated Wukong in the past and how devastating it would be to truly lose him.

If the Tang Monk could go back in time, he wouldn't have agreed to the fillet at all... even if left him with a few minus body parts when Wukong acted violent in the beginning. If he could, he'd also apologize to the Six Eared Macaque - he never wanted to hurt someone's spouse, that was the crux of his and Wukong's arguement in that chapter after all.

[banes-favourite]

Do you think Gortash struggled with intimacy and affection at all because of his parents' abandonment? Like Durge's admiration of him, I wonder if he ever struggled to let them in, or conversely maybe got clingy/possessive.

Honestly I think it was a heavy mix of both. Gortash just objectively never experienced safety and tenderness. He never learned to be vulnerable. If anything, I think he taught himself to spot vulnerability in others and see it as a weakness he can easily manipulate. After HoH, he never had relationships that went much deeper than the surface. He could trust himself and his God, everyone else was either a sheep or an obstacle.

Until Durge, of course. Their situations were so similar but unique, to the point he found a person he could actually relate to. Someone who could match his wits and his brutality. Someone he could call an equal.

I bet it took so much time to get there though. He was used to the being alone, fending for himself and not giving half a shit about everyone else. He physically couldn't open up to Durge, even if they reached a point where he wanted to.

I think his first spot of vulnerability was the first time they were drinking together. Being drunk was the only way he could bring himself to speak honestly and drop the mask he wears all the time. It hurt, but the reward was so much better, as Durge in turn opened up to him. And his first thought wasn't even how to use that information against them; no, he felt real emotions. Maybe pity. Maybe empathy. Maybe that was the first time he held someone's hand without an ulterior motive. Kissed someone without going after something of theirs.

But my god, once it happened, it all clicked for him. Suddenly he feels this intense need to keep Durge close, to keep them safe, to protect them. He didn't want to lose them. Not like he's lost so many things. Perhaps he thought this was his gift for following Bane so closely. His holy partner, made just right to fit him. And by god, he'd do everything in his power to keep that feeling of trust and vulnerability because he's never felt this way before and he was NOT going to fucking waste it.

He gets jealous so easily, suddenly he wants to involve himself in Bhaal's temple to see what his dearest is up to and whether he approves or not, he wants to be touching Durge always, make sure they're there, just for him. He wants and needs to know everything about them, at all times. It's a borderline obsession, but wouldn't you be obsessed with the first person that made you feel safe and happy after a lifetime of misery and lies?

Anyway you can imagine just how devastated he was when Durge left inexplicably. He felt betrayed and hurt, in a way no one has left him because no one else managed to make him feel that way. The people he cared for most abandoned him yet again. How can one not lose faith in the world after that?

[will-grahams-glasses]

Ko No Mono contains one of my favourite scenes between Will and Hannibal (bear with me on this dumping of all my feelings).

This is one of the first (and only) times that Hannibal really does let Will see him. He tells him about Mischa, and you can tell he's likely never told anyone about her before.

They talk about Abigail, and Will is visibly still distraught over her death and Hannibal looks genuinely upset that he's caused Will this pain, to the extent that Hannibal can't even look at him.

It's the first time we see Hannibal so vulnerable. He's opening up about everything, he's showing real, genuine emotion and he actually apologises to Will for taking Abigail away which is unlike him anyway because when would he ever apologise for killing someone? And this is also probably the nearest he's ever got to admitting to a murder to Will. He is letting Will know him, SEE HIM!!

And when he does apologise, his voice is barely above a whisper, and he genuinely means it. I think this conversation is what makes Hannibal decide to plan a future for himself, Will and Abigail far away from Baltimore and the FBI, so that he can give her back to Will.

And I think this is the first time since Will's villain era that Will has been genuinely open and honest with Hannibal. It's the first time that Will has been able to drop the pretence and speak to Hannibal on a sincere, human level.

Then Hannibal has the little speech about dropping a teacup, hoping one day it'll come back together. He's letting Will see what's inside of his mind, letting him know how he thinks and sees the world.

He puts so much trust into Will in this scene, which makes Mizumono all the more heartbreaking because Hannibal is led to believe that rare trust that was given was misplaced, which is why he was utterly devastated by Will's betrayal.

It's just such a beautiful, raw, heartbreaking scene. Mads and Hugh bring so much to this scene. The lip curl that Mads so often adopts when his characters are upset, the look of absolute heartbreak in Hugh’s eyes.

I could honestly talk about this scene for hours. 🥲

[jaiyemourningstar91]

Daily Blog #4: My Secret

Yesterday, was a rough day. I tried to nap. Got haunted by ghosts of the past. Heartbreak. Then, as I'm trying to relax this evening, I'm watching YouTube. A channel about genuine human interactions and just strangers sharing secrets. One hits me with a devastating blow. Puts one of my biggest, if not THE biggest fear I have into words.

"I don't think people that fall in love with me, actually love me. They just haven't experienced human kindness before and it's mistaken for love."My tears at first after hearing this were internal, and then, my cheeks became wet. And it's because sometimes, most times, I look back at people who have told me they loved me romantically, or even softer, and pursue dating me, say all these sweet words and comment on how kind I am--they all ended up leaving me. Hurting me. Used my kindness and dipped. And I'm left lost wondering how you could do that to me? To somehow you care about. To someone you love.

Like how many times was I told "no one has ever treated me like this before" as a remark to my kindness and romantic ways, just to eventually be ghosted, used, left behind?

And now it makes sense. Tie in me. Someone who outpours love. The type that will take care of someone. Tend to their every need. Make sure they are happy. I did it before to the point of self destruction. I did it all because I wanted to be loved as much as I loved them. I wanted them to be happy even though they didn't seem to care of my own. But hearing this today, makes me realize that yes, sometimes people love the kindness and not the person behind it.

They enjoy the gifts, the sweet nothings, the dates, the hugs, kisses, sex, everything. They get all there is to gain. And some people find that content. Something to draw from, until the right person comes along. Someone they would rather be with than you whom they can also get the things you offer from too.

I fear that I'm just someone who people find as a gateway to someone(s) they really want to be with. Their forever person or persons. Like I'm a practice run. Temporary. History has shown and repeated this. Time and time again. A placeholder.

I fear that I'm going to one day die and never know what it's like to be loved for me. The being behind the kindness. And it's sad because I'm in a much better relationship. One that I hope is ever lasting. Yet, I still have this irritation in my heart. In my soul. I'm worried.

I'm afraid of getting hurt again because of the deep rooted trauma I have with relationships. It's the last thing I think I need to heal from. It's a work in progress. And sometimes idk how to fight it. How to solve it. It keeps me up at night. It distracts me during the day. Invades my dreams turning them into nightmares. It plagues my thoughts when I see couples while at work. It makes me weep when I hear certain songs...

I'm an open wound. Vulnerable. I need mended. Sutured. A cure for my ill, still beating heart. I'm a passionate person. A lover who loves love. Who needs it. Yet, love has brought me so much pain. Like a gift wrapped in cursed paper.

Who knew kindness could be a veil for a damaged heart.

So yeah. Guess that's my secret to share.

This has been cathartic.

Thanks.

[thereallifecath]

I doubt I can reason with you, but truly, we are voting for an administration we can protest. An administration we can criticize. One that may actually change if pressured enough. You said yourself you don’t know how the ballot works. Here’s how it works: there’s two candidates that could possibly win. That’s it. Harris, or Trump. Third party is statistically impossible. This isn’t how it should be, but it is. A lot of vulnerable people (see: those listed in your pinned post) would be devastated under a second Trump admin. With Harris, we have a fighting chance at maintaining or improving our rights, and can continue to fight for Palestine without unfathomable repercussions. This would be all but impossible under Trump. Please don’t weigh in on USAmerican elections online when you admittedly don’t understand them. Thank you for listening, and understand I mean no disrespect by any of this, just hope I can give some insight on the unfortunate reality of our choice. Not voting for Harris is a vote from Trump and essentially my own death warrant as a marginalized USAmerican.

Starting any response off with ‘I doubt I can reason with you’, is immediately disrespectful and a cop out. You don’t know me, we’ve, as far as I’m aware, never conversed before and so I am confused as to why you feel ready to make that assumption - that I’m an unreasonable person.

I am Australian, so I am aware of how frustrating it is to be constantly told to vote for the lesser of two evils because statistically the other parties won’t win… but I also understand that that statement is very much a ploy to keep us voting for the same two parties. Here in Aus, there is a ranking system on the ballot, so you can vote for your first choice, second, third, etc. So that is very different, to my understanding of how the US American’s ballot works. You claim that I admitted to not understanding how American elections work, when I didn’t - I stated that I don’t know how specifically the ballot works - as in what it looks like. I was having a hard time getting a straight answer on whether there is other parties on the ballot other than Republican and Democratic, and I understand now that there is but like here, it’s unlikely that anyone else will win. It is of course, easier for me to say that I would vote someone else, as again here it’s different but I also don’t know how real change is supposed to happen if we (globally) just shrug our shoulders and accept the system instead of fighting it or trying to change it. How is anyone other party ever going to have a chance if everyone collectively just agrees to that shitty vote for the lesser of two evils bullshit. I’m not telling you - and I didn’t once say that I hate Americans for voting for Kamala, I was mainly criticising celebrities and people in power for supporting this rhetoric instead of trying to invoke real change.

You say a lot of vulnerable people would be devastated under Trump rule as if no one is being devastated now. I am very much aware of the struggles the American people face, as the Australian government/parliament follows and kisses USA’s ass more often than not. What happens in America doesn’t just happen in America, it’s a ripple effect that affects life and laws here too. The police here take inspiration from the USA’s police, and Prime Ministers always buddy up to the Presidents. In saying that it’s not as overtly bad here as it is in America, but USA news is constantly broadcasted here. There is of course one candidate that is worse than the other, and in no way am I saying that you shouldn’t vote or that voting for Trump would end up better than Kamala, but talking about it like Kamala is going to be better than him, feels wrong. The Democratic Party and the Republican Party are basically the same at this point, they both want the same things, except one is just a lot more open and honest about it than the other. Kamala first and foremost will always be a cop, and she is not going to go easy on protesters and that’s evident in the last four years - hell - the last eleven months with Palestine Protests and police’s abhorrent behaviour towards students and other protestors. She may not have been President, but she was Vice, and I wonder how much in the past two years has been Biden, and how much has fallen to her because of his age and physical state at the time. By vulnerable people, I wonder if Muslim, Palestinian, and Middle Eastern citizens of the US as a whole, are considered under your definition, because if you ask them their lives don’t get better with either option. Same goes for the black community, it’s been horrible for decades, Kamala isn’t going to actively make it any better. And considering a high portion of violence against African Americans and people of colour is done by the police, why do you think Kamala is going to listen? I don’t want anyone to die or get hurt, and I understand that under Trump more people will be in danger, but Palestinians don’t have a threat of danger - they’re past that - the danger is a constant, almost a certainty that they will die sooner or later… if no one stops it now. I’m not telling you that whole stupid thing of ‘you can’t complain cause it’s worse in x’ I’m saying that I don’t see how just voting for the lesser of two evils is going to help anything, when you could band together and vote for a third party instead. Statistically it may be impossible but physically it’s not? You could invoke real change.

And the ‘you’ part isn’t even the main issue I had. I am more than allowed to criticise celebs for their engagement in an active genocide and how their behaviour and influence affects real issues. I have lost all hope in celebrities this past year and to see two celebs I loved, especially Misha Collins, endorse a woman who supports the genocide is disheartening for sure, and considering the fucking emotional wreck you naturally become when you see burnt body parts of kids on the fucking daily, yeah I’m gonna be angry, and yeah I’m gonna be angry at the people who are putting their hand in to help the wrong side. Both Trump and Kamala want Israel to succeed, and I don’t see how standing on the side of either can be seen as the right choice. I don’t want Trump to win, but shit has been fucked under the Biden/Harris administration and I of course get angry when I see people praising her. And really, a whole GEEKS FOR HARRIS/WALZ event when you have not done a single fundraiser for Palestine? Fuck that, that’s just openly being ignorant of the people suffering because of Israel yes, but also because of the USA’s involvement as well as Canada’s, Australia’s and Britain’s too. The western imperialist countries have done NOTHING to help Palestine, instead we have disgusting officials encouraging the killing of babies - celebrating it even, and we just have to sit back and stay partial to the bullshit. I’m tired of the system and you should be too, be radical, try to change the system because it’s not working for anyone and Kamala isn’t going to change that. The least we can do is demand that Kamala understand that the president should serve the people, and that to get the people’s vote she must divest from and sanction Israel.

And look I’m not going to fault you for voting for her, in complete honesty, I get it, it’s a fucking difficult situation. But I am going to fault everyone involved in creating this stupid event, because they could’ve put on a fundraiser or sanction Israel event sometime in the past eleven months, but they didn’t and they still could’ve put on an event to convince the people that they do have a choice and they can actually change things by voting third party. Yeah people aren’t going to vote third party if they are told they can’t or their vote doesn’t matter if they do. And I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings in any way, I genuinely am, but I am fucking tired of seeing people in so much pain and not being able to do much about it. The least these celebs can do is openly campaign against Israhell but they don’t, and I’m more than entitled to tell them to fuck off when instead they support Kamala Harris.

The protests for Palestine have been going on for 75 years, there is very little tiny chance that Kamala is going to somehow listen to protestors when she’s elected and change things. We have to change things, the people, and I get it, you can’t change things is you’ve got a dictator preventing you from doing so, but talking about Kamala like she is going to help… isn’t it.

[ember373]

4/8/23 4:08 pm

Hmmm…interesting date and time. I’ll ponder over that another time…

I just finished an erotic vampire/werewolf novel. I really shouldn’t read those. They get me all worked up and remind me of what I’ve been missing all these years. The primal love. That physical closeness. That feeling of desiring someone and being desired back. It makes me ache. In more than one place. My heart…between my legs…ugh.

It makes me wonder tho. That physical desire is such an important thing, why does A stay? It’s been over a year since he claims he’s had any sex, yet he stays. Why is that? Am I worth it? Of course, this is if he is actually speaking the truth about not having any since we met. But I do believe him. I’m just not sure if it’s because I just really want to believe him. I’m not sure if there’s that much of a difference anymore.

I have two theories.

We’ll start with the worst one first. And that is that he really doesn’t feel that much of a need for sex. Since he doesn’t feel that need as intensely then maybe he just keeps me around because it’s fun to play with me and I give him a sense of superiority. He has control and power over me and that can be quite addicting I would suppose. He’s just biding his time until either his mom forces him to go on dates or he finds someone himself. Why not play around and get his kinky satisfaction before then?

The other theory…I’m not sure actually if it’s better or not. The more I think about it, the more I can’t wrap around my head around someone just keeping me around for fucks sake unless they either are playing with me or…they love me. He knows if I leave, I’ll come back. I’m his. There’s a solidness in that. I think maybe he can almost rely on it? But you know… I do seem to think like it’s not always necessarily me begging to come back. I mean, it is, but it’s because he’s opened that door waiting for me to step in and do it. And because I love him, I do. I feel that maybe he does need me and I’m more than happy to always go back and love him more. I sometimes wonder if I really left-what would he do? Would it upset him? Or would he just shrug and move on?

I think…his seeming indifference sometimes is because he doesn’t want to be vulnerable. He’s been hurt so bad and doesn’t want to be hurt again. And I want to be with him with everything I am but… I mean… doesn’t he deserve better? More? I’m past my prime. There’s nothing remotely sexy about me. I can’t even do things right and I don’t try hard enough. I’m depressed as fuck which saps up energy I could use trying to please him. *sigh*

And this whole just waiting for him to leave me thing is killing me. It’s just an axe hanging over my head-when will the final blow be? Will today be the day he decides to end things? Will it be tomorrow? How long can this last without physical touch? I mean…he didn’t even want to come see me in AZ. I wasn’t worth the effort. So why does he keep me around? I don’t get it. I’m trying to prepare myself for the devastation. I know the loss of him in my life will devastate me. I also know I probably can’t ever have him so that loss is inevitable. It makes everything feel so…unreal. Why am I alive? I just don’t see a point anymore. Can I take the place of someone who’s fate is at it’s end? Give someone who wants to live the chance at life? It’s such a waste on me.

Trapped in a marriage I hate. In love with someone who most likely doesn’t love me back and never will and will drop me at any moment. My kids don’t really need me. I’m estranged from my family for the most part. My in laws irk me. My friends have their own lives and other friends and it’s so easy for me to slip out of people lives with my silence. Can I just slip out of this one and not have one anymore? Can I just not exist anymore? I don’t even have a job I love anymore. There’s nothing for me. Everything I do is for other people. My existence is for other people. I’m tired of it. If the universe doesn’t feel I deserve anything, can’t it let me go? Why does it have to be so cruel and keep me going…

All this from an erotic novel. Ffs. I had so many eloquent thoughts and insights in my head and when I sat down to type them…garbage. What’s the point anymore then? I can’t even whine properly anymore.

[abbacchiosbelt]

can i ramble? hope this isn’t a lot T-T bc i read that one anon post about yan ayato in an arranged marriage and omg. imagine a divorce arc.

i can see reader and ayatos marriage as a political strategy by both families, but the kamisatos is a much more influential family compared to readers family. so i feel like, reader would be hesitant to marry him at first, but the more they think about it…marrying ayato could benefit them and their family’s honor long term. so this marriage quickly turns to reader using ayato for money and power.

whereas, ayato is a bit more open to letting the marriage blossom along the way.

obviously ayato (he isn’t into reader romantically atp, but doesn’t hate them) isn’t completely ignorant to this, but he can’t really do much. it’s not like he can back out of this arrangement. it’d cause too much of a stir, cause both families to fight, etc etc. it’s a risk to back out now, so he’s stuck in a loveless marriage, to someone who’s merely using him for gains. yet he can’t complain too much because it could exponentially be worse.

actually, instead of ayato falling first, its reader who falls first. at some point, they can’t keep up their love towards ayato as some kind of disguise for their ulterior motives. because sooner and later, reader finds themselves thinking that under this certain light, ayato looks quite handsome. and sometimes the way he speaks softly makes their heart flutter…and maybe…they don’t really mind having to share a bed with ayato. maybe… marriage isn’t too bad after all.

ayato kinda picks up on this, seeing reader suddenly do a 360°. he doesn’t really know how to feel. should he be glad that his spouse is finally putting in genuine work into this marriage? he’s been kinda bitter about the whole ordeal, and he really can’t shake this feeling. he resents you, truly. you played with him, toying him to your advantage and never taking your husband seriously. but now? you suddenly backtrack and decided that, now, you like him, genuinely? ayato thinks you don’t get to do that—to toy with his feelings.

in hindsight, ayato isn’t an all too terrible husband to you. sure he’s rough around the edges, but can you blame him? even when you slowly begin to warm up in his presence, there’s this scornful look in his eyes. an air of distrust is always around him, uncertain when it comes to you. even when you have assured him, you love him truthfully, despite the sickening vulnerability that comes with it, you felt like you owed that to him. still, ayato just can’t help but hesitate against your touch, every damn time.

instead of accepting it, or merely ignoring you, he decided to return you the favor. suddenly, he’s the one using you. he’s the one using you against your family, using you as his own political gain. suddenly, it’s not you trying to use him for your own sake. but it’s ayato, steering you across his board like you’re some pawn. oh god, it’s really devastating. you truly loved him, but you see the way he put aside this marriage in all prospects and diminishes any possibility for it to flourish. ayato puts it all aside for his own gain.

in the end, it seems the both of you are similar in that regard. both very selfish people who will only end up hurting the other in their crossfire. it’s a tough pill to swallow.

it all culminates into this big argument one night, bigger than the other previous arguments. ayato calls you selfish, a person incapable of love. could you love someone truly, without ruining them with your greedy desires? you will never be worthy of being a kamisato. but you retort back and call on his irony. that he’s a broken and empty man that does not accept love when given to him, because he is afraid of it. are either of you guys wrong? no. no one is, that’s the devastating part.

it’s like carrying two bombs, needed to be held carefully or else they’ll blow up.

it’s not really a surprise you guys end up getting a divorce only a few years into the marriage. you’re left heartbroken, but ultimately guilty. ayato feels empty, not that it’s anything new. but he too feels heartbroken. even if the marriage was an unfulfilling one at that, he does owe you one for staying beside him all this time. in the end, you guys both walk away on okay-ish terms.

but this is where an obsessive ayato starts to pick up, where the yan tendencies start to show. it’s kinda surprising for him to finally harbour some sort of romantic feelings towards you at the very end of your now failed marriage.

the divorce sweeps the nation in shock. gossip and rumours are spread. ultimately, you and your family kinda end up shunning yourself away, as a lesser status compared to the kamisatos. you can’t help but just swallow down that rising guilt. it’s so humiliating, you can’t help but even regret loving ayato in the first place, even when you wished it could’ve worked out.

but to ayato? sometimes if ever by occasion, his once blank gaze melts into longing stares across the room. how his day is engulfed with thoughts of you—sometimes he lays in the comfort of his bed and imagines you still laying beside him—and he can’t shake it off. if by complete chance he finds himself near you, his hands kinda moves against yours. brushing the back of his hand on yours, yearning to hold you again.

ayato misses it all.

in the end, it’s all incredibly pathetic. ayato tried to shove it all down because he knew marriage with you would be miserable. both of you guys would be terrible to each other and there’d be a constant flip flop, not knowing if this is truly love or some passing romance. could you guys even trust each other? how can you even see eye to eye after that one night…because it still hurts both of you regardless.

no. ayato never really believes in second chances. not until now. you guys gave it a go once, so why can’t you at least try again? did you not love him—do you still? he sees how you hesitate to connect your gaze with his…maybe there’s an inkling of hope in that glimmer upon your eyes. if you truly did love him once upon a time, ayato is willing—is going to give it another chance.

#failmarriage #divorcebattle #girlboss #kenough

(sorry if this is so long </3 i hope this didn’t clog up your asks!! if so, pls delete)

ANON THIS IS SO GOOD!! I!!! i very much enjoyed reading this. i'm gonna post it now as is, and then reblog with my ~thoughts~ later. i just want the world to see it!!

[overlordchris]

A revelation I had in Monday

First “breakthrough” I think I’ve ever had with therapy.

Still new to this so I don’t know what it fully means or where to go next.

My life has been full of people not being there when I cry out for help.

From shitty therapists, to shitty doctors, to shitty reactions from a former partner, my toughest and lowest moments have involved me either having to deal with it alone, my feelings invalidated, or just being punished for wanting help.

With my ex, when I was in a dire health situation, I was being too “distant” or too “negative” and the thought of breaking up always came to the forefront instead of trying to understand what I’m going through. Yeah, I’m in a lot of pain right now and people either don’t believe how much pain I’m in, or they just don’t care.

Really, now’s the time you want to break up? When I need my “partner” to be by my side the most? When I need a rock to keep me stable? You fell “out of love” with me when our cat was dying? When I thought I could only get through that cause I had you? When my grandpa died and you were more concerned how the people at your work reacted to you not going to the funeral than, you know, how I was feeling? When I could just tell something was wrong, different, I’d be given false assurances until you’d finally come clean with devastating news, at seemingly a point of no return. Yet it’s only I looking for a way to fix it?

It’s one thing to just ignore me when I need help, but it’s another to turn my deepest moments of vulnerability and desperation and see that as your cue to just cuts ties and run.

From childhood to, well, present day, I’ve not had anyone there to make me feel safe, help me get through something, give me hope or understanding.its why I have such low self esteem, cause if no one has been there when I needed someone to be, why should I? Why should I feel worth anything when no one, not even the people who “love” and “care” about me, are willing to look outside themselves, have some empathy, be open to helping, be willing to compromise and sacrifice? I’ve been shown I’m not worth the effort. I’ve been shown that the people I cared about cared for themselves more than they could be bothered to show me support.

If there’s “nothing wrong” with me and it’s “all in my head”, then why am I in bed, no friends, no lover, typing this all out? How would you expect me to not see the clear evidence that proves my point, and to believe that I matter? If I died 10 minutes from now, how long would it be until someone noticed I was gone? Would they even? I’d probably be discovered via inconvenience (smell probably) than someone actually worrying about me, the person.

So yeah, that’s where I’m at. I give give give in my relationships, and people take take take. But when I need something, someone, I’m treated as an inconvieneince. Never a desire to help, but to “weather” my reaction.

A common thing people like to preach these days is “take care of you” and how you can’t “waste time” on others who are dealing with things cause it’s putting you in a position where you need to have focus on someone else. It’s that shitty individualistic thinking that has made the state of things they are today. No one has community. No one cares about what others think or feel, it’s only “I’m right” “I need to take care of me”. “ I deserve to treat myself”. “I need to look out for number 1”. Yes, you need to take of you, you do need to protect yourself, you need to show yourself love, but how I’ve seen people interpret this line of thinking is as an “only, or”. To have empathy, to listen, to sacrifice, to communicate with others, this stuff is all seen as unhealthy now cause it like anything these days, if there’s not a immediate return on value, it’s not viewed as worth it.

When you keep trying to run away, how am I not supposed to feel vulnerable? Paranoid? Depressed? When you offer no solace, no compromise, no solution, how are those things going to not show themselves more often? I’m so rock bottom I can’t be built up anymore with my own hands. I need to matter to someone. I need to be given support. I need to be listened to, understood, accepted. I can’t be the only one trying. I need to be someone’s first choice, not their runner up, not their settlement. That kind of thinking only serves to create an unbalance that will only grow over time. Believe me, I’ve seen it many times now.

So, that’s where I’m at. I am needing to find someone who cares enough to meet me on the same level I meet them. If I’m ever going to feel worth it or good about myself, I need proof that I am. If I want to stop feeling like everyone hates me, or doesn’t care about me, I need someone to fight for me when I need it. If I’m ever going to believe in myself, I need someone else to believe in me. I need to be someone’s first choice.

I want to end this ramble with the saying, “ if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best”. when I first heard this I was in high school. At the time I saw it used by people as a defense of “I have toxic behaviors and if you can’t deal with those, then don’t waste my time.” By college that saying pretty much just became a red flag. An excuse for shitty people who knew they have unhealthy or toxic tendencies, but refuse to take responsibility or accountability and just expect people to deal with them. I wish it hadn’t devolved that way cause I do feel like at the heart of it, the statement stands true. At my worst I was suffering with chronic pain. I was stuck in a job I hated. My depression exploded into sank into self harming. It was those times I needed you, needed somebody. It’s not that I expected to be coddled or excused, in every scenario I sought medical help, I kept applying for new jobs, but I felt so alone because these woes weren’t easy or quick fixes. They took so much time and energy and effort and I felt so alone and scared. Something as little as an “I’m proud of you” or “I support and believe in you” would have went along way. Instead, at my worst, I was met with you getting crushes on other people, you becoming distant, and making it seem like you were going to call it off at any moment. So instead of support, I had more woe piled on. Instead of healing, I needed to start masking, to try as best to make it feel like everything was normal and I wasn’t going through a whole lot. I needed to give into your surface needs to keep you while letting of deeper impairments slowly deteriorate even more. You couldn’t handle me at my worst, which meant you never got to see me at my best.

[pganotgolf]

Reflection of Happy Hour by Marlowe Granados ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

This is like Broad City in a book.

It’s such a good slice of life of a 20something living(struggling) in the big city

If you’re looking for a plot this isn’t the book but what is so great about it is how Marlowe describes the things , like things that you’ve felt but never put words to it (see fav quotations section)

Notes I took down while reading

- It’s like stream of consciousness but witty and similar to mine and my friends (so maybe it’s just the brain of a 20 something)

- “I wonder what I’ve done in life to be subjected to Alice Langley (bankrolled by her mother) telling me to grow up. What hypocrisy.”(100)

- Broad City if one of the friends was a bitch ,

- Wait she’s turning around

- actually nope

- But the chapters with Coop were definitely white lotus vibes

- Favorite chapter: August 6 (moms, grief)

- she never says “I feel like…” it’s always matter of fact

- This book reminds me of the song Rave Angel by Blusher

- SPOILER! it would’ve gotten 5 stars if the ending wasn’t hinting at the book being her released diary🤦‍♀️

Here’s a list of my favorite quotations from the book:

- Being inside when it rains makes you forget that anything else could be happening (89)

- She pulled out a… burgundy velvet dress… Light disappeared into it; velvet has a way of doing that (92)

- “You need to grow and have some respect for yourself”. I hate lines like this. They’ve been abused so much they’ve lost their meaning. When you really think about it, they’re designed to cause the most hurt with the least effort. You Should Have Some More Respect for Yourself. (100)

- It’s a sad thing when people take beautiful old buildings and try to modernize it. Some things are meant to be restored, not re-interpreted (121)

- I want all the tenderness in the world. It’s a natural urge to want to be important in someone’s life. The soft underbelly of a course man. A preview is never enough because I am insatiable. (150)

- People forget I can be cruel too. I can devastate just about anyone.(152)

- (Fashion) is an important kind of knowledge that is overlooked. In many cases, it’s the first mode of expression women have access to. (168)

- I sat in the windowsill listening to the birds chirp and the occasional car drive by. It’s funny how seamlessly nights end and mornings begin, and yet they feel quite different. (182)

- … I am always interested in finding things. You can take a piece of junk and turn it into a talisman. You can assign it meaning and its own moment in time and store it in a box somewhere. I have an old champagne time filled with trinkets like that. I only ever open it when I’m feeling particularly blue. It’s just a case of remembering things. Sometimes when you’re set on forgetting, you have to know what direction to forget. (202)

- Sometimes I think I must be attached to reality by a thin string (202)

- Daylight crept through the windows, a reminder that things are always going on without you no matter what. Death is not unspeakable, but it often feels that way. (218)

- “ I know how hard it must have been to have me. I am the age she was when she became pregnant. Daughters make single mothers more vulnerable than lone women. Even when I was small I could sense that. My existence had put her in a precarious position where she was to protect both me and herself. (219-220)

- They look at me and say, “I don’t know how you do it.” I am not strong! I want to tell them. I am simply enduring. (222)

- It would be nice if whenever someone said, “I love you,” it meant, “Everything will be fine.” It’s all reassurance anyway. (222)

- Sometimes I wonder, if I ever went missing, how long it would take for someone to realize. Considering how long they are used to not hearing from me, I’d I were really in danger, I think it would take them about three weeks. (223)

- Anyone who prefers minimalism probably had everything growing up. When you are never left wanting, you never want much. (240)

- Love and not eating for sixteen hours feels more or less the same. (241)

- I decided to be honest (247)

- Sometimes making bad decisions really takes no time at all. In fact, you realize that you’ve been itching to do it all along. Deep down, I think comes from being so angry at having to restrict yourself all the time because in the end, no matter how well you behave someone always Dash away your life‘s work with little to no regard. We’re always swimming against the tide. How’s that for Justice? If I am reckless, it is because I am tired. (258)

- The bodegas have already brought out parts of mom’s in heartening colors. They clustered together in rich, fuchsia‘s oranges and reds a sign that summer is on its last breath, and these are the flowers that will guide us into fall (262)

[thereisnoblogniche]

The Last of Us (2023)

I have no outlet to talk about this. I need to express my thoughts somewhere. I just finished episode 7 today. i don't expect or necessarily want anyone to read this but if you are bored please don't expect this to make sense. i'm very tired and i feel myself nodding off as i type longer and longer (i'm writing this part last). I took some cold medicine and I am certain that is not helping. just a disclaimer for if you do read because it's all over the place and it's not pretty. very vulnerable and ugly look at myself.

"it's okay baby girl. I've got you." That line single-handedly destroyed me. Okay, that's not fair. It's what made me break down into the visceral, uncontrollable sobs that I couldn't contain or hide anymore. But it was far from working alone.

what an emotional, intense, wild ride. The show has been fantastic up to this point. I've had so many intimate moments with the characters. I've learned about them. Gotten to know them. Watched many of them die--fairly or not. It's not a fair world after the world ends. it may not be kind or gentle or morally good, but it's justifiable, if not just understandable.

The show is well-made, well-cast, well-acted, well-edited, well-done all over. But I feel gutwrenched. Sad. I don't want it to end. I haven't had enough time. I need more episodes. Why aren't they longer? Why aren't there 13? Why not have a whole second season dedicated to more of Ellie and Joel's relationship? I'm not ready for this to be over. I am just not.

I don't know how to succinctly or even long-windedly explain how I feel about this episode. All I feel is just empty and depressed. Just depleted. I am very affected by fictional media and find myself so wrapped up in the characters and story, you'd think I went through it and experienced it all myself.

I can't put it into words. I keep sitting here and trying. Yes, watching Joel and Ellie go from a transactional relationship to choosing to save one another over and over is beautiful. Yes, watching Joel open up and Ellie learn to survive are two things that I cannot do justice to by simply summing them up in a sentence as great character arcs. Yes, the stories, the dialogue, the action, the twists, the turns, the devastation--it's all a masterclass in video game adaptations. but there's more to it for me. Another level I can't quite articulate but I'll try.

I don't want to live through the apocalypse. I certainly don't want to live to see a fungal pandemic. BUT I think there's a part of me that wants to be saved.

There's a part of me who is Ellie. Who is tough and fierce and a survivor. But who just wants to be wrapped up in the arms of someone who chooses me. Joel grabbing her and hugging her at the end of the episode wasn't because he just saved her from the bad guys. She saved herself. He is no longer obligated to her. But he wants to be there for her. He comforts her all the same. He is still there for her in the aftermath, happy to be reunited with her. Relieved. Thankful. Maybe I'm not like ellie. Because I feel like I do need rescuing. I can't do it by myself. I'm tired. I'm weak. I need help. I do want to be held. I want to be protected. I want to be saved from the bad guys. Dont' give me the gun. Put me on the horse, give me your extra coat, defend me with your life. Actually, Ellie does that for Joel in this episode. She protects him and fights for him. What an amazing person.

It's something that's tugged at me since the show started. The idea of being saved. Being protected. Specifically by someone as ruthless and hardened and not so likeable as Joel. But he's someone who is hardened for a reason. Someone who is guarded for a reason. i respect it, I admire it. I fear it. I wouldn't dare try to crack that nut. No I am nothing like ellie. she is fearless (on the outside). she doesn't care. i could never. I care too much.

And she does too. She cares. She risked her life to save Joel instead of running away. She went through hell and back and survived to meet him on the other side. I could never. I would have been hoping and praying to a god I don't believe in to please save Joel in time so he could wake up and protect me.

Please protect me.

I need someone strong, someone too closed off, someone who is a bit of an asshole--warranted or not--likeable or not. And no I didn't like him for awhile. I didn't hate him. I just saw him the way I saw a lot of people in the post-pandemic world. Just people trying to survive I guess. they have their reasons.

But as time went on, I still found myself thinking, yeah, wow, that's the guy I would want in my corner. Tough and cold and unloving as he might seem. You know he wouldn't hesitate to protect you. And then to see him soften up and grow fond of ellie, in his own way, and then outright hug her and hold her and show her affection. I felt myself in that moment become ellie. that's what I mean when I say i am like her I think. I became her in that moment. Small, vulnerable, scared, horrified, traumatized, relieved, in need of a friend.

what do I need to do to find me a joel? that's not fucking healthy. I don't want an emotionally unavailable 56 year old. that's some therapy material. though it doesn't hurt that he is very attractive somehow (I say that like the whole world wasn't simping after him). but I found it to be more than that. there's something about this character specifically--because I didn't think he was all that attractive before. now I get it. there's definitely some psychological bullshit to explain why I feel so attracted to this, not just sexually, but like on a mental and emotional plane. I feel so validated by this arc and I ache so badly to feel it resolved in my life. i don't know how to explain that or appropriately express it.

i want to live vicariously and feel protected by a grumpy guy who learns to love me. that's toxic af but it's how i feel and i have had some uncomfortable feelings unlocked. all the girls with daddy issues be like,.. hahah hahahah just kidding. or am i?

just please love me. please love me. please love me. take care of me. even if you hate me or can't stand me or don't understand why i am under your protection. please save me.

i wish i were like ellie. she is way more self-assured and confident than i am. yes she is scared and insecure in some ways. she's human. but she isn't scared and insecure in the ways that i am.

boy this show has me fucked up. this fictional piece of media. fuck you HBO and naughty dog. I wish i never saw it

[juanchodee]

The Devastation of Being Blindsided

A reason why they tell you to hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.

The worst thing about being blindsided in a relationship is that it only happens if you truly love. By definition, to be blindsided means to be attacked, hit on the back or while in another vulnerable position. What that means while you’re dating is that you’re only capable of being blindsided by being a good partner.

The devastation caused by broken trust, love that never was or lies that came to light creates a new file in our brain that tends to override much of what we believed to be true about whomever it is that hurts us that much. Not only that, but it also starts correcting anything we believe about what we cherished — Whatever it is you think of love, of a ‘perfect relationship’ or any correlation that you used to believe between good and the person that blindsided you gets refreshed.

It’s a reason why so many people are afraid of loving again, the reason ‘fuck love’ is something people caption and hashtag so often. You either cower and hide from the opportunity that you may fall victim to this pain again, or you become angry and fight the opportunity any time it arises. The devastation of being blindsided creates a new reality that is hard to change back, or for that matter, to change at all.

From the perspective of someone that blindsided someone else, there’s not much you can do. If you feel sorry, and you feel guilty for whatever it is you said or did all you can do is show those feelings to that person. Basically, you want to become vulnerable yourself. But nobody wants to do that after hurting someone.

The chance that you can bring things back to normal after hurting someone to the point of that person feeling devastated, either by the nature of the issue or the surprise of what happened, is slim. At best.

If for six years we tell each other that we love each other, and then we have a big argument and you say you’re not sure if you actually ever did love me — You know the words you’re saying, and I’ll know that for the past six years we were not on the same page.

If I tell you that I am going to visit a good friend of mine, and I see your car parked outside their place because you followed me — You know what you were thinking when you decided to follow through with that, and I’ll know you don’t trust me as much as I thought you did.

There’s pain in relationships that is caused by mistakes and misunderstandings, and that is pain that can be worked with. Pain by blindsided actions and words however, are not mistakes. Therefore making it almost impossible to recuperate a relationship.

The devastation of being blindsided can happen from any situation, at any given time with the people you most cherish. Sometimes, it is a situation that is building up right before your eyes and you can’t see it until it all blows up in one single conversation that makes the past few months or years confuse you, but also make sense in the end.

The confusion is because of not understanding why it took so long to find out, why things were this way for all this time. But then you’re reminded in flashback-like pictures in your head where everything went wrong, and how you just could not see it or simply did not want to see it. Thus, creating a flat-line of silent understanding.

It takes a lot of courage and strength to not bring resentment into a new relationship with someone. It also takes a really good person to know and understand the way you see things.

Usually, if they’re worth it, they’ll open up to you. Hoping that you can change your mind about what was once forcefully changed for you.

If you want to trust someone in the future, you will have to open yourself again to create that vulnerability to puts you at risk of being devastated, blindsided once more. That is the epitome of trust; the possibility that you’ll get hurt, trusting that you won’t. And so love is born out of that. Which creates a higher risk for hurt in a relationship.

You must hope that the person you’re opening up to (or have opened up to) knows what that really entails and opens up to you, too. Be prepared to teach them if they don’t know. But also use your past experience to know when it’s time to go if that time arrives.

More than anything, the devastation of being blindsided is a teacher for all future relationships. Learn from it.

- Ruban F. Ribeiro, 3-Jul-18

[slasherscream]

some ideas for the crazy ass boy gang:

[yandere ver.] how their obsession starts. or how they react to the reader developing stockholm syndrome.

[normal crazy boys] crazy boys meeting their s/o parents (please!). crazy boys with a really innocent, naive s/o.

A/N: decided to go with how the obsession starts but please send back in the parent one i love it

YANDERE!CRAZY ASS BOYS GANG + how the obsession starts

billy loomis: You're a victim to be at first. This leads to the usual stalking and getting to know you. After all, it's no fun to kill victims that he knows nothing about. Then he doesn't know what makes them tick. Getting close is the only way to learn the best way to terrorize someone. But you're so earnest with him as he gets to know you. You're vulnerable with him in ways that are downright foolish, you barely know him. Your vulnerability and openness are what save you from the chopping block and toss you into the fire.

josh washington: There are two types of yandere!Josh

1) He's yandere for you before the events of the mountain. He saw you laughing with your friends. Someone told a joke, and it made the loudest laugh he'd ever heard tumble out of you. It shocked even you. As the sweet sound echoed through the courtyard of your campus you covered your mouth, embarrassed. You didn't see him, but he saw you. You were the cutest thing he'd ever seen. When he saw you next week at a party, he couldn't help but chase after you. He had to know you.

2) You were friends before the mountain. Good friends. Best friends. He distanced himself from you when he lost the twins. When he got his revenge on all your friends a year later you were devastated. Then you had to focus on surviving the night. And survive you did. You were the only one to survive, actually. It was something you couldn't live with.

When you went back up the mountain you didn't know what you were looking for. What you found was Josh, barely human. You take him back home with you and it's like a spell is broken. He's got jagged teeth now, and his hands are more like claws. But he's Josh. You made him Josh again, when he was more human than monster you saved him. Came back for him. Even when he didn't deserve to be saved. How could he ever let you go?

stu macher: At first, he's bothering you just because it's fun to get you riled up. Somehow that spirals into stalking you. He watches the way you interact with other people. Watches you with your friends, your family, your teachers. He's not sure what about you he can't get out of his head. Maybe he'll never know. What he does know is that he wants you, and that he'll have you.

jason dean/jd: You're different from everyone else. You walk unafraid of standing out, for better or worse. He's always been drawn to people like that. You don't even have to be outrageously unique. He notices the slightest little idiosyncrasies of the people around him. For weeks you'll feel someone's eyes on you and turn around to find no one there. When JD does approach you, you instantly know, just by looking in his eyes, that he's been the one watching you. But he's just as magnetic as you are, and you won't be able to resist his draw even though you sense an oncoming storm.

kevin khatchadourian: You're a strange mix of traits that infuriate him and traits he admires (as much as he can admire anything.) You're intelligent but naive. Shrewd but it's clouded by a hopeless compulsion to search for the bright side in every person or situation. You're a bit of a conundrum. At first, you're a part-time amusement. It's been a long time since something has amused him. Then he can't stop thinking about you. About the way you interact with other people. So joyful and carefree and loving. With him you're cautious. You dance around him as if you know how dangerous he is, but you always come back. He tolerates it and tries to convince himself he doesn't care. He's never cared. But he can't lie to himself forever. You're a flighty little bird that's in need of a cage. He's more than willing to clip your wings.

nathan prescott: You're not afraid of him but you're also not confrontational with him. Every interaction you share with Nathan involves a degree of polite neutrality that he just isn't used to. You don't kiss up to him, but you don't scoff at him. You're never aggressive, but you don't cower either. You stand your ground with a quiet confidence that sets you apart from everyone around you. He gets closer to you inch by inch, fighting with himself every step of the way. You're a flame that he's drawn to. He's terrified that you'll burn him, but he dreams about basking in your warmth.

sebastian valmont: You're genuine. His life is defined by deceit, manipulation, games. It's all he's ever known. He thought he loved it. It's real-life chess and he's the best player there is. Then he met you. At first, you're just another toy. But you sidestep his every move without even knowing you're playing a game. The longer the chase goes on the more he gets to know you. You don't wear any sort of mask or hide who you are. It captivates him. As he was trying to seduce you you wound up seducing him with the depth of your sincerity. His life is full of the showy, shallow, and worthless. You're the only thing that's real. You're the first thing he's ever loved.

david mccall: You’re together with David when his obsession starts. It’s the way you love that makes him crazy about you. You look up at him as if he’s your world. You smile at him like he’s the only thing that matters. When you touch him it’s with tenderness. He’s never had anyone love him before. He’s had people want him. Wanting is easy. Loving is work, it’s all consuming. It’s new to him. It’s addicting.