#but really i was just tamping down the symptoms by relying on an OCD crutch of having to hyper control everything
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#been really wondering if ADHD has been my problem all my life#like i was a very inattentive kid and would act out#then went through about a 10-year period after my dad left where i 'smartened up'#but really i was just tamping down the symptoms by relying on an OCD crutch of having to hyper control everything#and then burnt out around the late 10s#and since the pandy started it's been a fucking free-for-all like i feel my brain deteriorating#but i think it's been me finally being able to relax#and now even the thought of having to get myself organized sends me into a spiral because i know i'll have to end up relying on the same#crutches again#it's either just balls to the wall free for all winging session or get my ass in gear stressed 24/7 about missing deadlines nightmare#either way i can't win#doesn't help that the crutches are ARFID and it's been getting worse and worse#and doesn't help that after going vegetarian for a decade i keep getting these terrible intrusive thoughts that my mental decay is due to#me not getting proper nutrition and that my heart is gonna up and fail#but tbh i've always been that way sigh#AND IT DOESN'T HELP THAT MY SO-CALLED 'DOCTOR' FATHER keeps feeding these fears by saying how he failed me and should have been around to#make sure i ate better#and that i only have until the age of 25 to fix things before there's IRREVERSIBLE DAMAGE#wow it's almost like mental illness is hereditary 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄#vent
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