#but probably not as bad as alpha and omega: dino digs

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Guys the netflix Death Note adaption has just come out AND I’M GONNA LIVEBLOG IT

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Well, here it is. Death Note, the movie that broke me. I called it quits less than halfway through, don’t watch this movie it’s awful and painful and not in a funny or enjoyable way.

Witness a half hour’s worth of my steadily increasing rage and disgust under the cut.

It takes place in Seattle. Oh boy.

This... this is some kind of coming of age high school movie. There’s nothing to suggest that isn’t the case. It’s just been mellow pop music to slow motion footage of cheerleaders, football players, and milling high school students for like a solid minute

They are establishing the hell out of this setting

Oh there’s the intro, finally

It’s raining death notes. and rain. hallelujah.

Netflix is really proud of the fact that they can say “fuck” as much as they want

Dear god, I hate Light Turner already. He’s the combined life force of every pretentious teenage redditor who thinks being mildly bookish makes him some kind of elevated human being, combined with emo Peter Parker from Spiderman 3. I hate him. 

Like seriously Light Yagami is a pretentious little turd at times yes but he stays at least mildly likeable and is portrayed as a responsible and studious person who’s going places. Turner here is first shown accepting money to do some jock’s homework for him, then immediately walking into a fight, being a little shit to impress a cheerleader, and getting his face punched in. Our hero, ladies and gentlemen.

The producers of this have missed the point worse than the journalist from Interview With the Vampire. Turner is now in trouble for the homework thing and the fight and is continuing to be a little shit to the teacher and got detention for cheating. They’re going out of their way to make his life miserable and make him some kind of tRoUbLeD pRoTaGoNiSt

THEY’RE TRYING TO MAKE THIS A REVENGE THING AND IT’S NOT. THE WHOLE POINT IS THAT HE STARTED WITH EVERYTHING AND WAS CORRUPTED BY POWER. THEY ARE MISSING THE POINT. I’M SO MAD

ooh I think Ryuuk is coming let’s see how bad they fucked him up

Turner is now screaming and running from Ryuuk like the narrative ran from the entire point of his character, again disgracing the legacy of his namesake

he’s. he’s using the death note to kill the bully that punched him and bullied the cheerleader. LIGHT WOULDN’T DO THAT HIS WHOLE THING WAS MAKING A BETTER WORLD AND ONLY. TARGETING. CRIMINALS. and I don’t even blame the bully in this case, I want to punch this guy too.

oh ew. they’re going for the gratuitous gore shock value to make up for the lack of substance. I hate gore it’s genuinely my least favorite thing in movies. I can do psychological horror all day, I can do nudity, I can do tasteless sex scenes in a pinch, I can do pretty serious torture if it’s not shown via physical horror, but once heads start getting torn in half by ladders in close up slow motion I am out like the bulb in my nightstand lamp. I gotta replace that thing tomorrow. anyway.

guys I sat through all 47 minutes of Alpha and Omega: Dino Digs but I don’t know if I can sit through this. this may be the one that finally defeats me. It’s not really bad in a way that’s fun at all I’m just getting increasingly mad at it and now I’m dreading whatever gruesome death I have to watch next.

at least they gave Ryuuk his damn apples.

oh he finally killed a criminal. it was gross. because shock value is all they have.

OH GOD HE’S TELLING THE CHEERLEADER ABOUT THE DEATH NOTE IT’S GETTING WORSE HOW IS IT GETTING WORSE

I’ve learned my lesson I’m just not watching the deaths now

where will the plot even go from here. some random cheerleader he had a crush on already knows he’s kira he just up and told her. Turner is a dumbass.

they are both horrible people and their forced, pretentious, stilted romance punctuated by gory deaths of blood explosion disgusts me. I literally find russingon more palatable than this romance.

“KIRA. IT MEANS LIGHT IN RUSSIAN AND CELTIC.” THAT IS WHAT THEY WENT WITH. LIGHT NAMED HIMSELF THAT BECAUSE IT LITERALLY MEANS HIS NAME BECAUSE HE’S A FUCKING IDIOT.

I can’t. I just. I can’t do this

come on tearless just hold out for L do it for L

L IS HERE and... he’s... a black guy in a hoodle who speaks japanese?

okay why not this is easily the least horrible thing I’ve seen in the past thirty minutes

they felt the need to do some halfassed science exposition to explain L’s sugar thing which, again, why. just let L be L, questioning why takes all the joy out of it.

he can’t be arsed to disguise his voice but that’s probably fine because in this version kira is a complete idiot

“what would you do if I was your girlfriend and somebody fucked me” “oh I’d kill ‘em” OUR HERO LADIES AND GENTLEMEN

well, they completely changed his design but they managed to not butcher L as a character. good job guys gold star for you.

oh my gosh turner. you colossal idiot. “so who was that guy hiding his face? wow, so you don’t even know his real name?” real subtle genious boy, if that had been anyone but your dad you might as well have turned yourself in

they’re trying to make turner more likeable by making his cheerleader girlfriend have all the negative god complex qualities and making him all noble but it doesn’t work because he’s just really freaking obnoxious

fuck. I’m not even halfway through the movie. fuck.

and now Ryuuk is taking control and killing FBI agents and suggesting he take back the death note because they’ll take any excuse to desperately keep Light the good guy and salvage the profoundly unlikeable character they created at the start of the movie

his girlfriend is goading him into killing his dad with some bullshit argument

fuck this I’m done. I’m tapping out. I give up. I can’t do it, this is the least fun I’ve had watching a movie since cloud atlas. I think it’s actually worse than cloud atlas and I HATED cloud atlas. I am defeated.

you win this time, american film industry. you win.

I’m gonna go watch an episode of the anime to cleanse my soul.