#but per my therapist's suggestion i'm trying it for extreme needs

[poisonedspider]

"Got my pig, got my weed, got my water t' hydrate so ah' ain't dyin' straight. Guess ah'll be around."

[multiplicity-positivity]

HI i'm so sorry if this ask is a mess but um! I recently discovered I might be a subsystem host (ON TOP of being the regular system host which I'm fine with I found that out like almost two years ago and I'm basically cool with that now), and I've been kind of freaking out about it since okay! Okay! There's a layer of complexity basically right underneath my nose! How am I supposed to handle this?

Even worse is the intrusive thoughts of "I want to lock this stuff away and NOT deal with this" but I know that's like. Really bad and not conducive to recovery as well as being extremely unfair since the people in the subsystem have the right to exist and live life.

And like. I know that once I just accept this and learn how to communicate with the possible people in the subsystem, it'll be relatively okay I think. The problems are just: How do I communicate with people in the subsystem or know who's in it and how do I get rid of the thoughts of wanting to run away as fast as I can because I KNOW those thoughts are unfair but it feels like instinct to want to run or repress even though I would never act on that.

I think the first step might be to at least make the folder on our SimplyPlural for the possible subsystem. But even just that feels so overwhelming, especially with the fear that I'm wrong and overreacting or misinterpreting the situation.

Anyways! Sorry this ask was a mess, and thank you for even just reading my messy thoughts; advice is appreciated, but you don't need to reply if you don't feel comfortable.

hey, we’re sorry to hear you’re having trouble making sense of this complicated situation. we also have a subsystem, and for the subsystem host (main fronter?) it’s been a bit of a messy, confusing, sometimes frustrating journey.

as per usual, if you’re not in therapy and are still quite distressed by this, finding a therapist could be a great way to get an expert opinion and generally just talk things through/vent about your feelings in a safe space. therapy has been super helpful for our whole system, including our subsystem. they still have a long ways to go in terms of lowering barriers between each other/building communication, but therapy has helped them achieve the progress they’ve made so far. we know not everyone wants/can access therapy, but we feel it’s worth suggesting.

outside of that, to us it sounds like you’re on the right track. good things can come from fighting those knee-jerk reactions of “i’ve gotta bury this/push this down/ignore this” and taking baby steps to get to know your subsystem. making simplyplural entries for your subsystem’s members (or potential members) sounds like a great idea.

when it comes to how to fight those thoughts of wanting to hide/flee from this… we’d recommend allowing yourself to think your thoughts, to feel the emotions that come with them fully, and just sit with it a while, without acting. it can be hard to control or change emotions and thought patterns; we’ve found that for us, instead of attempting to control our thoughts, trying to control our reactions to those thoughts can be much more productive.

you don’t have to (and honestly shouldn’t!) push yourself here. when you’re feeling lost, scared, and overwhelmed, it’s okay to take a step back or avoid thinking about your subsystem-mates for a while. slow and steady wins the race, and the more you prioritize your own health and safety, the better things could turn out for your whole system and subsystem. when you’re feeling up to it, our post on establishing contact with headmates might help you reach out to the members of your subsystem.

if it turns out you’re wrong, overreacting, or misinterpreting something… that’s okay too. you’re not doing anything harmful to yourself by trying to explore this aspect of yourself and your system. if you find out you’re not actually a subsystem, we promise that’s okay. the work you’ve done to try and get to know yourself is still important, and you’re still valued and important as you are. people are wrong about aspects of their own identities all the time - it’s part of learning, growing, and discovering ourselves.

we hope this response can (at least somewhat) put your mind at ease and help you come to a bit more of an understanding about yourself and your subsystem. if not, we’re sorry we couldn’t have been of more assistance. we’re wishing you hope, understanding, and inner peace as you walk this path. thanks for reaching out, and best of luck to you!

[ineedrelationshipadvice]

I'm a 26-year old guy and Ive noticed the last three times ive had sex with a girl i struggle to sustain an erection. i mostly use porn to get off in between hook ups and indulge usually 1-2x per week, less so recently. i think what my problem is, is that I'm desensitized and/or my brain gets excited mostly when it knows I'm about watch porn. the kicker here is that I'm hanging out with this girl Friday and there's a 99% chance we'll have sex. any advice? i haven't watched porn for over a week

Welp, certainly missed the mark on this one. But if you come back and read this, hopefully you were successful! 

That being said, the harsh reality here is that it definitely sounds like you’re experiencing what scientists call porn-induced erectile dysfunction. It may not be the case - there are A LOT of issues that can cause various types of erectile dysfunction. But if YOU feel like there’s a relationship, that’s a good cause for alarm. 

Firstly, what is it? Here’s a good review and understanding to get you started. It also be stated straight-out, PORN IS NOT ADDICTIVE. Addictive materials alter the chemistry of your body with the introduction of the addictive substance (alcohol, nicotine, cocaine, etc.). Instead, porn is a COMPULSIVE material, and although it can have real world effects, the compulsive behaviour is not built into the body, but is instead a reaction to experiences people have to the world around them (stress, anxiety, depression, etc. can all create reasons to compulsively use porn, similarly to that forms of escapism). 

Essentially, ED caused by porn results from a place of over-stimulation. Using porn all the time conditions the brain to associate the act of preparing and then engaging with the porn as a sexual act, and if you use high volumes of porn (LOTS of different videos of extreme, hardcore porn) it can train your brain to think that this is how porn is, with all that stimulation. And when you don’t get that experience in real life, your expectations for sex aren’t met, and thus you find it difficult to get aroused. More info from Laci Green here. 

So for your particular meeting this weekend, there’s not much that could have been done. Retraining your brain can be a very difficult process depending on how severe the issue is. So much so, that it might even require a sexologist or therapist to help you through the process. Which is something you should keep in mind if this problem persists! 

The general advice to “cure” ED from porn use is as follows: 

CUT OUT THE PORN. The big issue here is that porn has become as vital to your sexual experience as an erection. Your brain is smart, and it does a lot of automatic processes during sexual arousal, like speeding heart rate and breathing, as well as all the processes that go into making the penis erect. The problem is, if this is a problem you’re suffering from, the porn itself has become part of the process, and if your brain relates porn + automatic function = erection, then if that porn isn’t there, you won’t be aroused. 

Now pay attention to what I said here. I didn’t say STOP MASTURBATING. I said stop watching porn when you masturbate. The porn is the problem, and you need to rewrite the algorithm in your brain to retrain it to understand that porn is not a requirement for arousal. You kinda already instinctively figured this out, and cut down on the masturbation time. But now I suggest you begin to try to masturbate without porn.

I know that probably sounds awful. If you can’t get it up with an actual person, how can you do it alone? That’s the goal. You have to retrain your brain that erotic thoughts - and thoughts alone - are enough to make you aroused. By removing porn from the equation, it forces you use your brain and imagination to become aroused. Think of arousing images in your mind, or think of attractive people in your mind, and then try to masturbate. This may not work! You may just by flapping away at a floppy dick. That’s okay. Don’t try to cum, don’t even try to get hard. Just have a fun, nice moment enjoying an erotic thought. Kind of like when you were a kid, and imagined a classmate in their underwear, and maybe impulsively touched yourself. This is the type of space in your mind you want to rediscover for yourself. Leave your computer and phone behind. Turn off all technology, get in bed, maybe light some candles, and imagine some super steamy, hot sexual scenarios, and see if over the period of a month or so, you can get aroused this way.

________

MASTURBATE DIFFERENTLY. This may sound kind of dumb, but it’s very important for those suffering from ED. Part of the arousal process is the way we do it. We experience pleasure in specific ways, and if a way that we experience pleasure doesn’t align with the way we are used to experiencing pleasure, our brain sometimes interprets that as “oh, this isn’t pleasurable.” 

As an example, you can see this in a huge majority of young women, particularly pre-teens and teens just discovering their sexuality right after puberty. In western culture, men are taught from a young age that it’s okay to be more open about their perviness; however, lots of women are shamed from an early age to reject their perversions and sexual thoughts for a sense of idealized purity. This is obviously bullshit, but it’s the way parenting and education happens to prepubescent children. 

The result of this conditioning is that there are LOTS of girls who suddenly hit puberty, start having all these horny feelings, but feel they are deeply strange and shameful. “I would never finger myself, that’s WRONG.” “It hurts to have sex, because I never masturbate.” “I don’t like to masturbate because it doesn’t feel good.” It’s not that any of these people are lying; it’s simple that they have been conditioned to think these various thoughts, through YEARS and even DECADES of negative reinforcement of sexual habits. 

How does this relate to you? Well, for those who do masturbate, sometimes we can condition ourselves to appreciate pleasure in only one way. If all you do is drop onto your couch, turn the porn on, and surf until it’s time to cum, you condition your brain into the habit of THIS being the sexual experience. This is what sex looks like for your body 99% of the time, but then you meet with a girl... but you’re not naked on your couch, and there’s no porn on... this isn’t sex, this is some other situation, no arousal. 

How to fix? CHANGE IT UP. Similarly to not using porn to find arousal, try to use different methods physically to become aroused. Do you use your right hand every time to masturbate? Try to use your left, or flip your hand upside down while stroking. Want a more “sex-like” experience? Try masturbating with condoms on (or with lube!), since you’re hopefully using those when hooking up anyway! Still not enough? HUMP THINGS! Couches, pillows, old stuffed animals, beds, blankets, and all sort of things can give a full body sensation of sexual pleasure. Usually sit down at your computer to masturbate? Lie down in bed instead, or even stand up while you do it! Still want an extra special something? BUY SOME SEX TOYS! Go to Adam & Eve (not a sponsor, they’re just dope) and buy a toy that suits your needs. Too cheap? Make your own sex toys! 

The point is back to that conditioning thing. You want to condition your brain to understand that there are LOTS of different places where it’s okay to be aroused, so when you find yourself in a new situation (aka, with a person, in real life) your body doesn’t feel like this is an inappropriate place to do the deed. 

Another very important thing to say here at the end. You BELIEVE that this is your problem, but it is also entirely possible this ISN’T the problem. It’s possible you are experiencing anxiety in sexual encounters with people. If you feel scared or anxious in the moment, this requires a different method of recovery, and you need to learn to calm your mind and try to remember that the expectations you feel at your performance are fair and valid, but they aren’t expectations, and it’s all in your head. 

Also, MEDICINE. Lots of medications can fuck with your ability to get hard. Research your medications and see if one of the downsides is erectile dysfunction. If yes, contact your doctor and tell him you’re experiencing these problems.

Also also, mind altering substances! Alcohol, tobacco, and marijuana just to name a few have all been noted as items that can decrease the ability to feel aroused or get aroused, especially in men. Maybe you struggle to get aroused because you’ve had too much to drink, or there’s too much THC in your system, or nicotine has decreased blood flow to your body. If you use any sort of drug, narcotic, or substance like this, maybe cut that out of your diet for awhile! 

The bottom line is that all this shit is way more complicated than we assume at first glance, and you should take the potential that porn is the problem seriously. But make sure you analyze your whole self during the process to figure out what the actual issue is, and don’t be afraid to approach doctors with these concerns.