#but part 5 completely changed my world view on certain things and that's definitely carried me through this entire year

[incomplete-ruler]

Ah fuck, even Incomplete Ruler sounds so much better on my new headphones. The amount of times I've streamed this song from DAY 1 of this year (more like week 1) is insane and we're now close to the end the year.

[zorya-wellness]

TAROT FOR BEGINNERS: 3 MOST COMMON MISTAKES that Beginner Tarot Readers Make.

Hi Friends,

At this point I’ve been reading cards for many years.

I have come to realization that most Tarot teachers talk only about cards, their meanings and combinations. But hardly ever do they give advice on how to really become a PROFESSIONAL, what things to avoid and how to get over the fear to tell the truth.

This is what my blog posts are about.

I’ve made my mistakes and I’ve learned my lessons. I’ve went through a lot of education, taking in information from different Tarot educators all over the world.

But you know what, making mistakes is totally normal. And you who doesn't make mistakes? The one who doesn't do anything.

The mistakes we will talk about are typical for beginners and those who chose to study Tarot by themselves, without taking any formal education. And it is quite difficult to become a professional if you choose this path.

So, what are these common mistakes?

1. RELYING ON YOUR INTUITION TOO MUCH WITHOUT KNOWING THE CARDS WELL.

There, I’ve said it. You are probably surprised now because you thought that the key to success in Tarot is your intuition

I will debunk this myth and tell you that ANYONE can become a good Tarot Reader because your intuition is only ONE of the things that will lead to your success but NOT the most important one.

First and foremost, you need to know your CARD MEANINGS and you need to know them really well.

And I mean really well. To the point if someone wakes you up at night and asks what does 8 of Cups mean you will be able to explain the card in details.

And I am not talking about the general meaning of the Card such as “moving on from what no longer serves you because clearly something is missing.”

You need to know how this card shows itself in different areas of a person’s life. What does it mean in relationship? What about finances? What if someone is looking to make a career move?

You need to know the detailed meaning of the card in THE MOST ASKED life situations, especially love life since it will attribute to around 80% of ALL your READINGS.

Related posts: 5 EASY TAROT CARDS RELATIONSHIP SPREADS to incorporate in your reading with a client

Only when you master your card meanings and not only know them but also understand the cards, why they have these specific illustrations and what meaning is behind them, you can tap into the intuitive part.

What do I mean by understanding the cards?

Whatever deck you selected to work with, you need to understand what are the most important Elements that are illustrated on the card and how they connect to its meaning.

Going back to 8 of Cups example. You need to be able to explain why there is Cup missing and how this relates to an emotional well-being of your client.

8 of Cups signifies leaving behind that what no longer serves you.

When you know the cards well enough, you should practice developing and improving the intuitive part. The more you practice reading cards, the more you will "train" your intuition.

The consistent work with Tarot cards will train your intuition. Eventually, you will be able to create a complete "picture" putting together all the cards in the spread.

However, be careful not to mix intuition with your fantasy. The intuition will not work until you work through every card, know how this card play out in different areas of life and until you know the correspondences of elements and how they interact with each other in a spread. More on that below.

All this is a FOUNDATION to your intuition.

Check out this great book to help you on your Tarot journey!

2. IGNORING OTHER ASPECTS OF TAROT ASIDE FROM GENERAL MEANINGS

If you thought learning Tarot is just memorizing card meanings, I am going to disappoint you here. It’s much more than that. But this is also what makes Tarot so amazing. Tarot is transformational.

You should not ignore things like astrology, colours, numerology and four Elements. And here is why.

For the purposes of this post, I will use elements as an example. We know that there are 4 elements in Tarot: Water, Fire, Air and Earth. These are four Tarot cards group of 14 cards of Minor Arcana. Each Tarot suite corresponds to the Element of Nature that gives that suite certain qualities and characteristics.

Depending on the Element of each card, the interaction of that card with another can be harmonious, opposing or neutral.

Tarot Elements interact with each other using these rules.

You need to understand that the way elements are positioned in the spread will not change the meaning of the card but will either increase the qualities of the card, making it stronger or the opposite.

If you have Water elements card beside a Fire element card, even if the cards are both good, the message they carry will be significantly weaker.

Do not. Ignore. Your elements, guys.

This may seem complicated and too much work and thinking but the sooner you start understanding elements and applying this information in your readings, the better will be the quality of your reading.

At the end, you will always go back to realizing you should have learned them earlier, so better start right away.

3. GIVING TOO MUCH OF YOUR OPINION INSTEAD OF READING CARDS.

Guys, let’s get real. Often Tarot readers are also psychologists, marriage counselors and financial advisors. We are all of that.

But we should not forget why a person came to us instead of all of those above. People trust Tarot. They trust US to RELAY the INFORMATION CARDS ARE SAYING.

This is very important and often forgotten. I went once to an almost 2 hours reading where I only saw two spread done. The rest was just a conversation and advice from a point of view of a person that didn’t even know me.

Should you skip giving advice all together? No, of course not. But you may want to wait for your client to ask for one.

In my readings you will never hear me saying “I think you should.” No one cares about what I think, in my opinion. I always read cards. I am here as a messenger and to help deliver the MESSAGE OF THE CARDS to my clients.

Yes, my clients ask me for an opinion, but I always try to explain that this is what I would do based on my morals, goals and upbringing. And ALL of those may be completely different from my client’s situation.

I’m going to give you an example. You client’s husband is cheating on his wife. She’s in tears asking you what to do. You tell her how horrible this is and that she should definitely break up with him. She listens to you and does exactly that. Well, her family is now done, she’s left alone with her kinds, she already forgave her husband a thousand times and is now blaming YOU for ruining her life forever.

What you should’ve done instead? Read. Your. Cards.

“Your husband is cheating on you but whether you should leave him is your choice based on your life circumstances and how you respond to cheating.” Done.

Never forget about a free will. Everyone has a power to choose and learn their lessons.

Moral of a story? Always go back to your cards and let them be the foundation. This way your clients will never go back to you and say that you gave them an awful advice that ruined their life or relationship.

[haveamagicalday]

My reads of 2020

My top ten is in a separate post but here are the rest of my reads!

5 Stars

If You Tell by Gregg Olsen 

This is a memoir about the Shelley Knotek case. It focuses heavily on the relationship and struggles of her three daughters that were just children when Shelley’s tortures started. This book was fantastically written for such a morbid tale but be warned, it is not for the faint of heart. Trigger Warning: Abuse, torture, murder

Wayside School Beneath the Cloud of Doom by Louis Sachar 

The Wayside school books were some of my favorite growing up. I made sure to reread them all before reading this one. It felt like no time had past at all. This is a great blast from the past that won’t disappoint old fans of the series. 

4 Stars

All Your Twisted Secrets by Diana Urban

A group of seemingly unrelated students are invited to a scholar dinner that turns out to be a trapped. Once all the students arrive, they are locked in with a bomb and the the option to choose one person to die or they all die. As the night slips away, we learn the secrets and connections the students share that brought them to their predicament. Surprisingly not as suspenseful as you would think it would be and the secrets/bad things the students had done in the past really weren’t that twisted. Still it was very fun with an explosive ending.

Beyond the Shadowed Earth by Joanna Ruth Meyer

This is a sequel to Beneath the Haunting Sea and actually focused on the hero from the first’s books antagonist, Eda. Eda overthrow our hero from the first book as heir to the throne, blamed the king’s death on her and had her wrongfully banished to an island that launched the story of the first book. After that we never visited Eda again as the book focused on a different story instead of getting her kingdom back. So in this one, we see what happened to Eda after she took over. She is not a good person and the author isn’t afraid to make her unlikable at first, but also redeemable through her adventure and misfortunate. 

Break Your Glass Slippers by Amanda Lovelace

Another book of poetry from Amanda Lovelace that delivers profound and touching poems.

Daughter of the Forest by Juliet Marillier 

A classic retelling of The Six Swans. This story takes place in a medieval/fantasy version of Ireland. Marillier is one of my favorite authors of fairytale retellings. This book is definitely a slow read but is gorgeously written and rich in character development. The story follows the fairytale with little variation. Trigger Warning: Rape (graphic depiction).  

Lady Killers: Deadly Women Throughout History by Tori Telfer

Nonfictional account of female serial killers. I liked that this wasn’t written like a wikipedia page and took a more narrative approach. After the first few women, they all start to blend together though. Lots of poisoning happens. It would have been nice for some variety. 

Malorie by Josh Malerman

The sequel to Bird Box that we probably didn’t need but was still good nonetheless. This one focuses more on Boy and Girl (now named thankfully) as teenagers and their view and challenges of the world they’ve grown up in. This book introduced new concepts that were interesting and creative. Somehow this managed to have a relatively happy and satisfying conclusion.

The Monstrous Feminine by Barbara Creed  

A look at horror films through a feminist and psychological lens. I absolutely loved this book and the ideas it presents. The first half of the book takes a look at certain horror films (such as Carrie, the Exorcist, Alien, ect.) and “challenges this patriarchal view by arguing that the prototype of all definitions of the monstrous is the female reproductive body.” I liked the first section of the book more than the second part where I felt it focused too much on Freud and his findings and challenging them through horror films.

No Judgements by Meg Cabot

A cute, fluffy romance that takes place on a small island preparing for a category 3 hurricane. Bree finds herself forced to shelter with the island’s resident heartbreaker and they don’t get along. At first ;)

The Silent Patient by Alex Michaelides

Alicia, a famous painter and wealthy wife, shocked the world when she killed her husband and then stopped speaking afterwards. Now committed to a mental institute, Alicia is still refusing to speak. Theo is a therapist who jumps at the opportunity to work with Alicia and discover what really happened with her husband. Some of the twist was easy to pick up on at first but there was plenty that kept me guessing. This was a real page turner.

When We Were Magic by Sarah Gailey

Alexis and her group of friends have one very big thing in common; they are able to preform magic. One night, Alexis’ magic causes an accidental death of a classmate and the friends have to ban together to make things right. This was a creative and moving read. There’s plenty of magic but it almost comes secondary to the friendships and blossoming love between two of the friends. 

The Year of the Witching by Alexis Henderson

Immanuelle lives in. a patriarchal society where the prophet’s word is law and the town is bordered by the evil and forbidden Darkwood. In the Darkwoods lurks four witches that seem to be calling out to Immanuelle. This book had fantastic world building and the story was unique and engaging. Sometimes it felt like we were just skimming the surface of possibilities and I felt that the book could have been longer or divided into a series. While the story wraps up in the end it does turn out there is going to be a sequel so I’m excited for that! Trigger Warning: Mentions of Rape

3.5 Stars

The Cousins by Karen M. McManus

Jonah, Aubrey and Milly never knew their rich grandmother. Her children were all cut off ominously with a note simply saying “you know what you did.” Now their grandmother is reaching out to the cousins and inviting them to work at her island resort for the summer. Lots of secrets and twists await them! This book was a lot of fun and probably my favorite of this author’s so far. Some of the twists border on zany but the overall tone of the book is a little zany so it works.

Horrid by Katrina Leno 

After her father’s death, Jane and her mother are forced to move across the country into Jane’s mother’s childhood home. The manor has many secrets hidden within that Jane must face. The book was well written and intriguing. The books deal with grief and mental illness with a touch of the supernatural. I felt that the overall pacing felt off though. Very little happened in the beginning and then a lot happens in the last 30 or so pages and then it ended abruptly. It was a great concept though and I'm interested in more from this author!

One of Us is Next by Karen M. McManus

A sequel to the hit novel, One of Us is Lying. This book focuses on one of the character’s from the first books little sister and two of her classmates. The stakes in this one didn’t feel quite as serious as the first book but it was a fun read with interesting twists!

The Return by Rachel Harrison

Julie went missing, leaving her 3 best friends grappling with tragedy. Then, exactly two years later, she comes back with no memories. The four friends decide to spend a weekend together but something is not quite right with Julie. This book was creepy! However, it focuses more on the relationships of the four characters and dealings with grief with a touch of supernatural sprinkled throughout. It’s a gripping novel from start to finish that will keep you guessing.

3 Stars

All the Missing Girls by Megan Miranda

Nicolette returns to her hometown for the first time in ten years after the mysterious disappearance of her best friend. Shortly after arriving another girl goes missing, forcing Nicolette to relive what happened years ago. What made this book a page turner was that it tells the story backwards. Once she gets to her hometown it starts on her 10th day and works backwards to what happened on the day of her arrival. Unfortunately, while the concept works at first it builds up to a lackluster and disappointing ending. If you were to put the book in the correct order, it wouldn’t work as there are stuff that is found out in the first few days that the reader doesn’t know about but the characters do that wouldn’t make sense in a narrative sense.

Behind Closed Doors by B.A. Paris

From the outside Jack and Grace come off as the perfect couple but behind closed doors, everything changes. No twists here, Grace is Jack’s prisoner and she is desperately trying to get away. The book alternates between past and present about her current situation and how she got there. This involves a lot of suspension of disbelief. Jack is a cartoony type of villain with no real motive and he would never be able to get away with what he was doing. Grace is also not the smartest person, there were a lot of different ways she could have escaped but for the sake of the story she doesn’t. Don’t get me wrong, this was still a suspenseful and fun read but also questionable and some points.

The Blue Salt Road by Joanne M. Harris

A quick, fairytale like story about a selkie who was tricked into becoming human and now longs to return to the sea. I feel like there was a message being preached in this story, but I can’t really pinpoint what it was. Regardless, this was a magical little read.

Clown in a Corn Field by Adam Cesare

Clown in the corn field is a slasher film put on page. It starts off like a typical YA novel and sets up a mystery as to who the clown is, but then the clown attacks at a party and the rest of the novel is that one night as the clown wrecks havoc and the teens have to escape. I think I wold have preferred and more drawn out mystery but fans of slasher films would really enjoy this!

Coral by Sara Ella

A sort of retelling of the Little Mermaid. Sort of. This book focuses on strong themes of mental health. The mermaid/fantasy side is minimal and almost completely disappears in the 2/3rds in to the novel. It was a slightly confusing read but had a powerful depiction of depression. Trigger Warning: Suicide

The Doll House Murders by Betty Ren Wright

A sad but sweet little mystery novel about a preteen girl who discovers a dark secret via an old dollhouse and its mysterious moving dolls. The subject matter was dark but the story was written for middle graders and thus mystery is handled with simplicity and strange charm to it.

Good Girl, Bad Blood by Holly Jackson

The sequel to A Good Girl’s Guide to Murder. This book hasn’t been released in the US yet but you can still get the British/original version on amazon which is what I did. This novel requires a stretch of disbelief and I didn’t think the mystery was as good as the first one. However, if you are a fan of the first one, you will still want to check this one out as well!

I Know Who You Are by Alice Feeney

You definitely have to suspend your disbelief when you read this one. It's gripping and while some twists were easily guessed, the final one took me for a surprise. It's equal parts dark/chilling and cheesy/silly. I'm still left with a lot of questions after the ending. It makes the book fall apart when you think about it but if you just take it for what it is, an entertaining but cheesy thriller, you'll enjoy it.

The Harp of Kings by Juliet Marillier 

This book features the children of the main characters from the Blackthorn and Grim series but you don’t need to read that series in order to read this one (though you should!). The book features three teenagers that are training to be warriors that are selected to go undercover in a nearby kingdom to find the stolen Harp of Kings before the new king’s coronation can take place. It was slow in the beginning and I felt there wasn’t much character development but it was an enjoyable read.

In Darkling Wood by Emma Carroll

Alice’s sick brother is getting a lung transplant and Alice is forced to stay with an estranged grandmother. Her grandmother lives on the edge of darkling wood, a place rumored to be filled with fairies. This book reminded me of a less dark version of When A Monster Calls. It deals with some of the same themes but this is more aimed towards children with a feel good ending.

The Lost Girls by Heather Young

In the summer of 1935, six year old Emily disappeared leaving her two older sisters and parents devastated. Sixty years later, both sisters are dead but one of them left behind her house and a notebook detailing what happened that summer for her grandniece, Justine. This book wasn’t so much of a thriller but focused more on Justine’s current issues with her daughters and ex boyfriend. I found the chapters with the notebook pages in between chapters more interesting than the modern story.

Love, Stargirl by Jerry Spinelli 

I read the first Stargirl years ago but reread it before reading this one. This sequel doesn’t manage to capture the same charm as the first one did. The book is a series of letters that Stargirl writes (but doesn’t send) to Leo from the first book following her over the course of a year. I found it surprisingly boring at times and Stargirl seemed far to normal as compared to the first book. It was neat to see what she was up to after the first book but overall I didn’t think it was a necessary sequel. 

A Psalm for Lost Girls by Katie Bayerl

Callie’s older sister was considered a saint in her small town before she tragically passed away. Now the city is trying to have her canonized, but Callie knows her sister wasn’t a saint, and the pressure is what ultimately killed, so now she’s on a mission to prove that her sister was just a normal girl. This book involved a missing child that Callie’s sister was supposed to find before she died but couldn’t. The mystery there was very predictable and was kind of on the back burner to Callie’s story. I think this would have been a more interesting story if it had been from the sister’s perspective and how it felt to be a teen saint while she was still alive.

The Rose Without a Thorn by Jean Plaidy 

The story of Katherine Howard, the fifth wife of King Henry. I was looking for a novel that painted Katherine as sympathetic, as most adaptations make her out to be a seductress. This novel was strange as it read as a wikipedia entry in a narrative form. It was all telling and no showing and lacked real emotion. From the minor research I’ve done, it seems to be pretty accurate in terms of events that happened. Trigger Warning: Sexual Abuse featuring a minor (but isn’t presented as such)

Sadie by Courtney Summers

Sadie’s sister was murdered and she is determined to bring the killer to justice. In between each chapter about Sadie is a the transcript for a podcast that is covering the case, as well as Sadie’s future disappearance . This is a very popular book but to be honest, I'm not sure what the point was? The podcast was an interesting idea but it basically just rehashed everything we already knew. Not much was added by it. The ending just fizzles away and the story tended to drag in places. It was very well written though and I think I was just not the right audience for it.

The Seventh Bride by T. Kingfisher

A creepy retelling of Bluebeard. It reads like a YA in some places but Adult in others. It was definitely unsightly and out there but I found it confusing in some places. It has some great creepy imagery and slight body horror to it.

The Supervillain and Me by Danielle Banas

Abby’s brother is a superhero beloved by the whole crime ridden town. But when a supervillain comes into town, Abby finds her paths crossing with him again and again. Okay, so the supervillain wasn’t even a villain and the reason for wanting Abby to help him was not a very good one. The book is mostly about the romance between the two which was nice but nothing spectacular. I found myself more interested in the musical Abby was starring in. It was about a cannibalistic royal family whose oldest son falls in love with a servant and he has to save her from being eaten by his family. Now THAT sounded interesting!

Winterdream by Chantal Gadoury

A Nutcracker retelling. This was a sweet retelling of the story. It didn’t add much to the original tale or the ballet but it was a good winter read to get into the spirit of Christmas.

They Wish They Were Us by Jessica Goodman

Freshman year, Jill’s best friend was killed by her boyfriend., Graham Now it’s senior year and Jill is the president of an elite school club but someone keeps texting her about Graham’s innocence and she can’t keep herself from diving deeper into the mystery to unearth what really happened to her friend. Gripping and twisty, this book was a solid teen mystery!

Not Rated

I’m Thinking of Ending Things by Iain Reid

I read this almost a year ago and I still don’t know what to think about it. I can’t decide if the story was genius or simple shock value. Did the twist make sense? I don’t know honestly. I read this before I even knew there was a netflix adaptation coming and I while I read this book in one sitting, I only made it halfway through the movie. I personally don’t think it translated well to screen. If you are looking for a quick disturbing read with an ending you WILL NOT be able to guess, then I highly recommend this one.

The Merry Spinster: Tales of Everyday Horror by Mallory Ortberg

There’s a pretty popular post on his webiste that has a link to a horrifying retelling of Curious George. This is a collection of retellings/unrelated short stories by the same author. I didn’t read all of the stories in this because some of them were just too difficult to get through and confusing. However, the dark retellings of fairy tales and children books were really enjoyable. I particularly liked the retellings of The velveteen rabbit, the frog prince and the six swans. I think they can all be found online and not just in this collection.

Midnight Sun by Stephenie Meyer

Is it good? No. Is it garbage? Yes. Did I still read it any way? Yes. Team Edward for life.

[a-walk-in-silence]

The New Coffee Spot

Pairing: Steve Rogers x fem!reader

Word Count: 5.3k

Summary: Everything has changed in the world. People that were alive are now gone, and you? You’re one of the unlucky few who got to stick around.

Warnings: Infinity War, Endgame, mentions of death, character death, cursing, angst, crying, abandonment

A/N: Welcome to the sequel of the sequel that took almost two years! (Sorry for this not being posted two days ago I was sidetracked and my laptop just wasn’t working, but I’m here!)

Previous Part | Masterlist

The time spent awake was few and far between.

You were awake a few minutes at a time, enough to eat and drink something, and then your body gave out again. Every once in a while you would get snippets of Tony and Nebula talking. Sometimes you would even hear the sounds of them working on ship repairs. But you were never able to stay awake for long, your body wouldn't let you.

"She won't survive much longer. Neither of you will if we don't get rescued soon." Nebula's cold hands brushed across your side, gauging your wound and how it had managed to heal. "Air will run out soon. My modules would keep me alive, but the two of you will die when the air does."

A rough chuckle came from Tony as frail hands gripped your own. "You don't know how stubborn she is, then. She goes years living in one tiny apartment, in love with the second most egotistical person on Earth while best friends with the person in first. She has a cat that she loves and coffee flows in her veins even though she's more of a tea person. She loves the boost it gives her. She never gives up in the face of danger because she knows that giving up means we lose. She won't die because she hates losing."

You wanted to speak, but your voice wasn't working. You didn't even have the energy to open your mouth. So all you did was gently tap his hand with your index finger. He once again chuckled, squeezing your hand. "She'll live because she has to," he said, and you could hear the smile in his voice. "Because if one of us is living, it'll be her."

The next time you were awake, Tony was holding you closely as the ship sped through space. A tiny groan left your lips as you shifted painfully, not sure what to make of this scene. Were you alive? Was this some weird afterlife?

But then you saw it, right smack dab in the middle of the large viewing window. It looked so tiny, but it was growing closer with every passing second. You smiled gently. "Home." Your voice was scratchy and hoarse from not being used for… well, you weren't certain how long had passed, really. How many days had you been drifting through space? How long had you been gone?

"Home," Tony echoed, gripping your shoulders tighter. "We made it, Y/N."

Your eyes were begging you to sleep, even though you had spent so long asleep. But you wanted to see Earth, see where you ended up. You needed this, to see who had brought you back home. You wanted to see Bucky, hold him while you cried. And what about Bobby and Penny? Did they make it?

It was about two minutes when you landed. You recognized the setting from pictures Steve had sent you years ago. It was the Avengers compound.

Fuck.

You heard footsteps behind you, and your bleary eyes watched as Nebula walked over to the control board and opened the hatch door. Your grip on Tony's arm tightened, almost scared to see these people that the two of you had been abandoned by. Maybe Pepper was there. Maybe she had survived. But if Steve was there? Could you really look him in the eye?

The first to come on board was Rhodey, and he went to Tony right away. "Hey, good to see you. Same to you, Agent."

Tony's grip around you loosened as he tried to stand up. "She needs help. She was stabbed on Titan and I… I can't carry her myself."

The two of them worked together to get you up on your feet, and your body was screaming at you to stop. To just lay down and stay down. Your face contorted in pain as you took your first step before collapsing to your knees, the only thing keeping you from eating ass being Tony and Rhodey.

"Shit, shit, okay." Rhodey helped lower you back to the ground before wrapping an arm around Tony's waist. "Stay awake and I'll be back with help. Uhh… can you stay with her?" He glanced towards Nebula, not sure of who she was or why the hell she was there.

"I will. They both need immediate medical attention, so hurry." Her voice was about as monotonous as always, but her posture was tense. She looked ready to fight if needed, and she would fight if the two of you didn't get the help you needed.

Rhodey nodded and then he disappeared off the ship. As soon as he was gone, another person had ran on board, and it was probably the last person you wanted to see right now.

"Y/N," he was breathless, completely frazzled. "You survived. I-"

Steve reached out to grab you but you managed to push yourself away from him. A look of pain filled his face as he stopped moving instantly. "Stay away." The sound of your own voice made you flinch, but it was nothing compared to the flinch your words had caused Steve. "You… left me… abandoned me. For months… I was alone!" Raising your voice at the end actually hurt you, making you whimper as a tired hand grabbed your throat, trying to rub away to the pain only to make it worse. "Stay… away."

"Steve," said the calming voice of Natasha, walking in from behind him. Her hand touched his shoulder, pulling him back. "Go. Rhodey and I have her."

He looked ready to argue, ready to yell and scream and even cry. And yeah, okay, you had seen him cry loads of times in the past. As much as he never let his Avengers buddies see him cry, he cried a lot. He cried while watching The Notebook of all movies. The most cliche movie to cry over. But never in front of his friends.

And he absolutely was about to break down right now.

But he listened to Nat, turning on his heels and immediately leaving the ship. You watched him go, fighting tears of your own. You blinked furiously, which definitely wasn't helping with the tiredness that was tugging on your mind, trying to lull you back to sleep. But you couldn't fall asleep! Not now! Not ever! You were so tired of being asleep.

Nat and Rhodey managed to shift your body enough between the two of them, practically dragging you out of the spaceship and down the boarding ramp. Your head was so heavy, but you couldn't sleep, not now… not when you were so close…

But then you were out, no longer able to fight that painful tugging at the back of your eyes.

There wasn't a full sit down with you and Tony until you were able to fully talk without hurting yourself and could stay awake for longer than 10 minutes at a time. So the two of you were sitting at one end of a table while the others just drilled you for information about what you went through, where Thanos was going, and did you know?

Tony was quick to anger, clearly annoyed with everyone. "What, do you think he gave us coordinates to his retirement home? Really? Do you want to know what he left us with? One hell of an asskicking and about 5 dusted people on a desolate planet eons away from home."

"And the funny thing is," he added, standing up from his wheelchair, "is that we saw this coming. I wanted a suit of armour around the world and that backfired. You all chided me for wanting to protect the Earth with that suit of arm. When I said we'd lose, you said we'd do that together. Well guess what? We lost. And Y/N and I were alone while you were off trotting the globe. It would have been one thing if circumstances were different, but you really want to play the victim when you abandoned your own girlfriend because she was worried about an oncoming battle, Rogers?"

"Tony," you said, voice quiet as you grabbed his hand. "Please sit down before you pass out." You refused to look over to Steve, knowing you would see his kicked puppy eyes. You weren't sure you could handle it right now.

Tony sighed before sitting back down, trying to calm down. You glanced around the table, pausing before you could look in Steve's direction. "We don't have any information. If you don't need me for anything else, then I want to go home to my cat." You put an extra emphasis on the word my, standing your ground on the issue of Bucky. "I want to leave, and I'm sure Tony and Pepper do, too. I'm done with this, with saving the world. Tony was right, even if he was a little angry. We lost and we didn't do it together. I'm not in the mood to lose again, especially not with any of you."

Your voice was unusually calm, hanging in the air as your words settled. Many of them looked guilty or pained, knowing that the stupid boyband split that everyone went through caused wounds that would never heal. The silence made sides very clear. You and Tony were on your own with giving up, moving on while you still could and picking up the pieces of what was left of the world and do the best job of fixing it up.

So, you left a week later with Pepper and Tony, making a stop at your apartment to try and clean it up and see the damages. You hoped Bucky was still alive and that, hopefully, Bobby and Penny had made it out alive.

You stood outside the door to your apartment, scared to see just what would be waiting for you on the other side of the door. Tony placed a comforting hand on your shoulder, a silent way of telling you that you could do this. And you knew you could. But that didn't mean you necessarily wanted to.

Still you did. You opened the door and looked around your apartment and, well, it looked a lot messier than you remembered. There were books and crayons everywhere, along with abandoned food wrappers and dirty plates. "What the-?"

"Y/N!"

Before you knew it, the tiny arms of your 6-year-old neighbor wrapped around your hips, holding you tightly as she started crying. You were in shock, your mind not processing everything that was happening around you. Penny was here, but what about Bobby? And Bucky?

"Hey, hey, hey…" You unwound her arms from around your waist, kneeling in front of her. "Penny, what happened? Where's your dad, and Bucky?"

She sniffled, rubbing at very red eyes. "Daddy disappeared," she mumbled, her voice wavering. "H-He was making food and then he just… disappeared."

You pulled her into a tight hug as you glanced over your shoulder at Tony. He looked tired once more, but he nodded to you, understanding that you needed him right now to talk to Penny. You needed to see the damages for yourself, see just what state everything was in.

"Hey kid," Tony said, and you let go of Penny so she could look at him. "My dad… he's gone, too. He wasn't really ever there, but… come on, let Miss Y/N see to the apartment and you and I can go find a treat."

She nodded, rubbing at her eyes as she followed him, grabbing his outstretched hand. You gave them a sad smile, watching them disappear down the hall before getting to your feet. Walking around the apartment reminded you of all the ghosts that were in this one apartment. All of the memories, all of the pain and heartache. It all was contained in this one apartment.

"Bucky?" you called out, voice uneven, fearing the worst. "Bucky, are you here?"

Silence followed you as you carefully tread through the warzone that had become of your living room. Your footsteps fell silent as you reached the hallway carpet that was filled with clothes and trinkets from both your room and Steves. A few of his shirts were strewn about, and several of your nicer dresses were added in the mix. But both doors were closed. You hoped that behind one of them, Bucky would be curled up, fast asleep. But you just didn't know, and it scared you.

It was a 50/50 guess of which room to check, and you really didn't want to go through Steve's stuff right now. Taking a deep breath, you opened your door, hoping that maybe Penny had been sleeping in there and that Bucky had been sleeping with her.

But it was empty, the exact same as when you had left it. Which was odd. Why had Penny chosen Steve's room to sleep in? Whenever she would come over while visiting with Bobby, Steve's room was always off limits. Well, it didn't matter anyway. Bucky definitely was NOT in your room.

You took a deep breath before turning on your heels and staring at Steve's room. You could do this. You could open a door. This was for Bucky, the one thing that was continuous through your life. He was always there, by your side. He was your everything.

Then why in the hell were you so scared?

Taking a deep breath, you grabbed the doorknob, relenting to this fate. You had to go in and get your cat. Just go in, grab your cat, and leave.

You turned the knob and, sure enough, the sheets were everywhere, and so were his clothes. Sure enough, Bucky was curled up on his pillow amongst a pile of Steve's things. "Bucky," you said, breathing a sigh of relief. He raised his head, chirping at you. Tears came to your eyes as you walked over, picking him up. His little arms stretched up into the air as he used your shoulder to try a stretch. You held onto him tightly, never wanting to let go. "I've missed you so much, buddy. Come on, let's pack some stuff and get out of here."

--5 Years Later--

You were busying yourself in the kitchen, making breakfast for Penny because you knew she would be up in an hour. This had become routine. While morning coffee was brewing, you made food, typically chocolate chip pancakes and sliced fruit, for Penny. Afterwards, you would take her over to Tony's and use his extensive library to handle her schooling needs from home. You liked being able to keep an eye on her, and Bucky enjoyed the time alone to bask in the sun.

The past 5 years had been interesting, to say the least. You and Tony had really grown into the brother-sister relationship. The two of you discovered that your Aunt and Uncle had taken him in when his dad died, though you couldn't really remember. You did assume it was because you were all of 5 or 6 when Tony stayed with you, but it was interesting none the less that he referred to Peggy and Daniel as his Aunt and Uncle, too.

Nothing necessarily felt different on this specific morning, but the house was even quieter than usual. You tried to shrug it off. Bucky was probably still asleep with Penny. Then again, the times you had woken up scared that they had disappeared overnight was a feeling you just couldn't shake. Time never helped. And you were definitely feeling it at that moment.

"Mom!" Penny yelled, running down the stairs. Normally, hearing her call you mom would bring a little joy to your heart. It was a fairly new habit, but one day you were suddenly mom, and it made your heart stop every time. But this was different. Pain was etched in her voice, and there were tears in her eyes. You knew, at that moment just what was wrong. Your heart was breaking already at the thought.

And so you picked up the phone, calling the first number that you now knew by heart. When they picked up, you were hugging Penny into your side, calmly brushing her hair to try and calm her tears. "Tony, it happened."

There was a pause on the other end, as your words settled in the air. "Right, I'll be there soon. Let me tell Morgan and we'll drive over after breakfast."

--Tony's POV--

Morgan was very distraught to hear the news, but it was necessary for her to be able to grieve at home before they made the drive to your home.

Once she finished breakfast, they got dressed in their black clothes. Tony helped her zip up her dress and held her hand as they walked out the door. He squeezed her hand, trying to reassure her that everything would be okay soon. "Don't worry, Madame Secretary, there won't be any school today. I'm sure Auntie Y/N won't mind."

She nodded as they walked out the door. Tony gave her a smile before looking up at the sound of wheels heading down the dirt road to the cabin. He first thought it was you, but he quickly recognized the car. Steve.

Great.

He sighed before looking at Morgan. He kneeled in front of her, brushing her hair out of her face. "Tell you what, you run upstairs and grab your favorite toy. Tell mommy I said it was okay. Meanwhile I'll scare away the monsters in the car." She tilted her head to the side, glancing at the car that was coming to a stop next to his car. Guessing the question on the tip of her tongue, he spoke up. "Not bad monsters. Just very grumpy. Go on, now."

And so she ran back inside. Tony got back on his feet, looking towards the car as Steve, Nat, and Tic Tac got out. "Going somewhere?" Steve asked, leaning against the driver side door.

"Yeah, a funeral. Maybe you would know who they were. I would invite you except Y/N really doesn't want to see you, and I imagine even less now." Tony unlocked his car, sitting on the hood. "So if you're just here for her address like the other thousand visits before today, I can't help you. By the way, wasn't Tic Tac missing?"

Steve sighed before slamming the car door shut. "He's why we're here. We think we can reverse the snap. Listen- wait. You said funeral? Who- is she okay?" He looked even more on edge now, ready to jump back in the car and search the entire world for you if he could.

"Yes. Funeral. Bucky passed away this morning. Morgan and Penny loved that damned cat and he... He'd been sick these past few months." Tony sighed, his head leaning down a little. "She doesn't want you there, so don't ask again, Rogers. Frankly I'm tired of seeing you, too. And I'm done saving the world. I have my own world to take care of, and that includes my family. That isn't just Pepper and Morgan, you know."

He watched as there was a flash of jealousy in Steve's eyes, and it almost brought a bit of joy to him. As tiring as this back and forth was, and as much as he wanted it to just stop, he knew Steve never looked defeated despite the amount of times he had said no. But he truly looked upset, and that was almost worth the trouble of dealing with Steve.

"Daddy!" They both turned to look at Morgan as she ran down the dirt pathway to them. "Mommy said to come save you," she said, trying her best to climb onto his lap. He smiled, picking her up and holding her in his arms.

"Well now I'm saved," he said, kissing the side of her head. He looked at Steve, shrugging his shoulders at him. "We have to go, Captain. Don't follow us. I don't know about you but crashing a funeral is taboo. Wouldn't want to upset Y/N, would we?"

Steve looked physically pained, as if making about 20 different debates in his head. He gave a look to Nat and they nodded. Some understanding was reached between the two of them. "Fine, but we're going to stay around until after the funeral. We need to talk, Tony. This is important."

"Fine. We'll talk, but that doesn't mean I'll listen." With that, he carried Morgan to the backseat of the car, buckling her up with her favorite bunny cradled in her arms. He kissed the top of her head before going to the front seat and getting behind the wheel. As he drove away, he saw the three of them getting into the car in his rearview mirror. He sighed, shaking his head. "I guess he doesn't care."

"What was that?" Morgan piped up from the backseat, hugging her bunny.

"Hmm? Nothing. Just commenting on some of the grumpy monsters we just met."

--Y/N's POV--

Tony was waiting outside with Penny and Morgan hidden away under a black umbrella, hiding from the blaring sun that was shining overhead. An arm was wrapped around Penny while Morgan held on tightly to his leg. And in your arms was a shoebox that Penny had helped you paint black. It felt unnaturally heavy, a burden sitting on your shoulders. How could this be goodbye?

You walked outside, grabbing the shovel that was leaning against the front door. Penny and Morgan were silently crying as the four of you walked to the water's edge of the lake. You set down the box, next to the hole you had dug up earlier.

"I don't know what to say," you mumbled, turning to everyone else. "Bucky was… he was the best kitten a gal could ever ask for. He was always a listener, and a cuddler. He would always sit up with me while I made breakfast and brewed coffee. He's been by my side for 12 long years and… he was taken far too early. I'll miss you, Bucky. I wish you didn't have to go, but I know it was for the best."

You motioned for Penny to join you and, together, you lowered the box into the hole before covering it in dirt. Tony walked over, handing you an engraved stone he made in his garage while Morgan had been eating earlier. You smiled sadly at the stone before placing it on the ground at the head of the grave.

"Bye, Bucky. I hope it was a good life." You swiped away your tears, hugging Penny as she broke down crying. Meanwhile, Tony walked over, holding your hand securely in his own.

"You know," he teased, squeezing your hand, "Aunt Peggy would roll her eyes if she saw you crying over a cat. I mean, really." He snickered before pulling out his best Peggy impression. "I don't recall teaching you how to cry. Go on, get up, you'll dirty your dress sitting in the dirt like that." You both shakily laughed as you rested your head against his shoulder, keeping hold of both him and Penny.

"She'd probably blame Uncle Daniel, saying it's because my mom was his niece and, clearly, the Sousa family was filled with nothing but emotions. Dastardly little things, aren't they?" Tony chuckled before kissing the top of your head, keeping the small pile of bodies huddled by Bucky's grave covered by his umbrella.

Everyone was about to head inside after a few more minutes when a silver car pulled into the driveway. And three familiar faces walked out of the car.

"Tony-" you started, watching as they walked over.

"I told him not to follow me to the funeral," he said, trying to make excuses for the fact that Steve was now walking the short walk to where you had just buried Bucky. You had just said your goodbyes and you really, really didn't need him here.

"You talked to him?"

"Y/N," Steve said, coming to a stop a few feet away from you. "And Tony. I know you don't want to talk to me or anyone, especially since you quit being heroes. But we need to talk."

Penny glanced up at Steve, and a huge smile broke out across her face. "Steve!"

She ran across the grass, hugging him tightly. You wanted to reach out to her, to pull her away, but you knew she remembered him. She remembered the kind, gentle giant that helped her with her first learn to spell. She loved having him read stories to her. And she always asked about him whenever she could. She knew her dad was gone, but she knew that Steve was still alive. She couldn't understand why you said he wasn't coming around anymore when he was still there.

"Hey Penny. Can you and Morgan go inside?" He kneeled down, ruffling her hair with his hand. "Gotta have a chat with Y/N and Tony."

Your eyes were hardened, tears on the verge of spilling. But no. You weren't going to cry over Steve, not again. Penny looked back at your, head tilted to the side. "Mom?"

"Go inside. I'll be in there in a minute. You and Morgan can go watch TV." You couldn't look away from Steve. Your heart was racing in your chest and it just wouldn't stop. Everything hurt again. Your chest felt tight, and your legs were weak. You had missed him, but you just couldn't just forgive him.

Could you?

The two girls ran inside, leaving the 5 of you standing opposite of each other. Who would make the first move? Who would say the first word?

"So wait, Captain America has a wife and kid?"

And of course the first word would come from Scott Lang.

"If by wife you mean ex-girlfriend, and kid you mean blipped next door neighbors daughter, then yes," you said sarcastically, crossing your arms in front of your chest. "Why are you here? If it's to apologize then you're about five years too late, Steven."

He sighed, running a hand through his blond hair. "Y/N, as much as I want to apologize, explain everything, we're here to talk business. Scott, this is your idea."

And Scott did talk. And talk. And talk. He had insane theories about time travel using some kind of particles… PYM particles? It was completely insane. These ideas, time travel… it was impossible. Right?

But Scott had experienced it while trapped in… in… the quantum realm? That was apparently a real thing. Apparently the past 5 years had taken up 5 hours for him? You couldn't really believe it. It all seemed too good to be true.

"You're insane, spewing theoretical jargon as provable fact to try and bring back everyone. Scott was a fluke on the system. But you forgot something. What about all the births and relationships that have happened in those five years? Even if this was possible, which is a big if, I'd be gambling with Morgan's life. She is my world. So no, I won't play God." Tony looked over at you, raising an eyebrow in question, squeezing your hand firmly. "Y/N?"

"I said I was done, and I meant it." You looked over at Steve to see a jealousy burning in his blue eyes. "I can't lose another battle. I can't play with this family. I've already lost two of the most important things in my life. If I lose Morgan? Or Penny? Or even, god forbid Tony? No. I can't play this game of life or death. We all just… need to move on."

You tugged on Tony's hand, pulling him back to the house, ignoring the calls of your former friends, asking you to come back. You couldn't turn around because you knew that if you did, you would absolutely entertain their ideas. You knew that you would help them figure out, because an adventure was everything you always yearned for. But an adventure could take away everything you had left. Your heart couldn't take it.

It was later that night, and everyone was at Tony's place. Morgan and Penny were sleeping upstairs, and Pepper was showering. But neither you nor Tony could sleep as you worked from his dining room table, toying around with some kind of gps that would work through time, just to see if it was possible. But it was entirely impossible. And you two were certain about it.

So why were you entertaining the idea?

You weren't much help. For as much work as you had done alongside Tony and learned through osmosis, you weren't the best with this kind of stuff. But you were helping as much as possible through throwing out random information that occasionally became pertinent.

But when the prototype actually came back as 99.98% effective? Well, the two of you nearly passed out.

"Well, shit!" Tony exclaimed, leaning back in his chair.

"Shit!"

The two of you turned towards the stairs, seeing a smug smile sitting on Morgan's face. Her body swayed from side to side as she smiled, her bunny slippers pattering up and down in place.

"No!" The two of you said in unison at her, causing her face to scrunch up.

"You can't say that word," you said, wagging a finger at her.

Tony nodded, looking at Morgan with a stern face. "Only mommy can say that word. She coined it, so she owns it." He gave you a wink before looking back at Morgan. You rolled your eyes, a gentle smile sitting on your face. He was such a good dad.

"Well what are you two doing?" she pondered, looking at the prototype model displayed in the air.

"Obviously some important shit!" you said before realizing just what you said. Tony facepalmed and you sighed. "Did your dad say mom? He meant your mom and I. We coined it. Together… Any way, come on Morgoona, let's go have a freezie pop and then it's off to bed for you." You walked to the kitchen with her, grabbing two freeze pops and handing one to her.

Once Morgan was back in bed, you looked at Tony, neither one of you sure what to do with this discovery. Yes, you could bring back so many lives, but you couldn't bargain with Morgan. She was family, Tony's everything. Pepper came down the stairs just then, and she instantly knew something was up. She didn't ask any questions and, instead, went to the dining room table, pulling up Tony's latest document.

"So you figured it out," she remarked, going over the design. You knew she didn't understand the science fully, you barely did. "Time travel, I mean. You know, I think you both should do it. You hung up the cape but you'll never rest easy knowing you could do something but didn't." She glanced over at the two of you, a sad smile on her face. "You should do it. Help them. Under any other circumstance, you would drop everything to do this."

You looked over at Tony and you both knew she was right. You couldn't give up, personal vendettas aside. There was no giving up when you had gotten this far.

And so you weren't going to give up. That next morning, you packed up Tony's car and told Penny that she was going to be staying with Pepper until you came back. You also gave her your phone. If her dad called, you wanted the first voice he heard to be Penny's. They deserved that much.

When you pulled up to the compound, Steve was standing outside. He looked defeated. But when you walked out, holding his shield, his eyes looked hopeful, like things were going to change. And they were.

"We're in. This is yours, by the way." You handed him the shield, immediately stepping away. "Morgan and Penny tried to take it bobsledding, so we had to remove temptation."

"Plus we figured it out. Time travel." Tony handed him the prototype. "A GPS that works through the quantum realm. Should prevent any babies from coming back and going to the bathroom in the suit."

Steve nodded, pulling the both of you into a hug. "Thank you," he said, breathless, holding you both tightly. "Thank you for coming back."

You cautiously wrapped an arm around him, holding him and being washed over in a feeling of nostalgia. You could feel your heart lightening, even if just a little bit. Those 5 years of pain and heartache were slowly melting away as you just stood there, surrounded by two of the people you loved more than anything, even if it hurt.

As you all finally pulled away from the hug, you glanced around. "So, where's the coffee machine?"

----

Next Part

Taglist: @thedaydreamingwriter​ @hollandroos​ @tomhollandd​

[crowmagpie]

Voltron and the Hero's Journey through the Major Arcana of the Tarot

«The journey of the hero is the oldest story in the world. As the basic structure, it is woven into myths, fairy tales and legends that tell us how a person sets out to accomplish the great work. It is the story behind all these stories, which to this very day are always told in the same way under countless names in all languages and cultures over and over again.

<…>

The journey of the hero is the archetypical pattern of a range of actions woven from these primordial images. This is why, despite its many variations, the journey and the image are always so strangely familiar to us. They always tell of the quest, the adventurous search for the treasure that is hard to find, and are composed of elementary components.

<…>

Yet, as often as this story has been told, as many collections of fairy tales and myths as it may fill, only once has it taken on a complete form as a whole in pictures – and this is in the 22 tarot cards of the major arcana. However, not only are the archetypical events illustrated in these motifs, many connections between individual stages become transparent in the structure of the cards. Their meaning for our path in life becomes comprehensible on the deepest level»

© «Tarot and the Journey of the Hero» by Hajo Banzhaf, Brigitte Theler, Christine M. Grimm

0. The Fool

The very beginning of the story, but by no means the moment since the beginning of the first episode. The story comes to its first stage when the future paladins, and for now completely unaware guys from the Garrison, get inside the Blue Lion and go into the unknown. The Fool depicts a person taking a step into the abyss. The one who doesn’t know where he or she’s going. The one who doesn’t know whether they’ll fall, whether they’ll step on a new ledge or take off. This person simply performs a somewhat thoughtless action - and sets off.

Then the paladins get to the Castle of Lions. There they meet another new phenomenon – literally a new race. Their consciousness expands when they learn that there are other races, other planets, that war is going on in space.

The Fool depicts the unknown, events when a person can’t even imagine what awaits him or her next. And so the paladins - they have no idea what awaits them further.

Also, many of them don’t have the necessary skills, and absolutely for everyone the piloting of Lions is absolutely new.

At the very first stage, they still don’t learn anything, they just try to do something, in the hope that it’ll work out.

Our heroes don’t yet have an idea of what purpose they have. But they will know this. Later.

1. The Magician

The second stage of the path and development of the paladins.

The Magician depicts a person that considers him/herself practically immortal and god-like. A person that is capable of a lot, the one who has an unlimited number of talents (the paladins definitely have individual talents) and thinks the whole world as one big playground. The main problem is that in spite of all the abilities and power, this person isn’t omnipotent and won’t end well without a proper training.

Paladins follow the path of The Magician, gradually mastering Voltron, starting to reap the benefits of their actions. They help, they save, they do a lot, they move their own way and, obviously, consider themselves the real saviors of the universe. They don’t know yet that their power will end where the strength of someone else begins.

2. The High Priestess

In the events of the series, The High Priestess finds several manifestations at once.

The High Priestess herself carries mystical experiences, secret knowledge, secrets that are carefully hidden, but will still emerge in the end. It has many meanings, but we need only a few.

The first correspondence to this card is Allura, possessing the gift of Altean magic, which is hidden deep inside her. We remember this from the episode when she gave new life to Balmera. But this moment will reveal itself later. In another archetype.

At this point, it’s only the power itself napping in Allura. She remains aloof from the battles of the paladins, maintaining a more passive position. Her potential is hidden inside, waiting in the wings. And it will come.

The High Priestess card is constantly revealed in the plot. Through secrets that pop up unexpectedly. For example, through a story about the past of Zarkon and the Galra.

In my personal opinion, this can also be attributed to the moment when the paladins decided not to act «in advance», but by some cunning, using Teludav. The secret may be the meeting of Keith, Hunk and Acxa inside the stomach of the Weblum, as no one knows Acxa yet. As well as revealing that Haggar is an Altean. She also fits the archetype of The High Priestess, but not as much as she fits the card that’ll be shown next.

3. The Empress

The archetype of The Empress is the archetype of Mother. The Mentor and the one who cares, who is willing to help. She is the inexhaustible source of all life, our creativity and our ability to embody something. But it is also a development of the situation, a period of abundance and good luck.

And this is again the archetype of Allura. However, she manifests herself as The Empress not so often as the plot requires. However, this is her arc of personal growth. It should be so.

The most important manifestation of her as The Empress, which can even be called the first, is the healing of Balmera. It was then that power began to awaken in her, which in the future would make her the real Empress, which would give her a lot. Moreover - in the future she’ll show herself as The Empress... with the help of Lotor. Because the Empress always needs the Emperor nearby.

In terms of the plot itself, these are all those moments when the paladins conceptualize something, when they seriously think about what’s happening. But the most important thing is a period of abundance for them, a period when they succeed and it seems that it will always be this way.

The highest manifestation of The Empress is Honerva. She’s both a mother and a ruling figure, who rules from the side, as if from a shadow. She has the power to create and great talents. After all, she’s a scientist. Exploring the matter that the Empress represents is her work. Also, in the future she’ll literally possess unprecedented power, Altean magic. As Haggar, she’ll still remain the Empress, but turned into a negative, like the inverted position of this card. The inverted Empress is a trick, a desire to rule over men, such a woman doesn’t care about her children and her family. A great embodiment of the archetype in action.

4. The Emperor

Under the card of The Emperor are all the rulers, people who have power, as well as those who adhere to serious rules and restrictions. Also, under this card are those who are ready to fight to the end, until their death. Those who have a certain cruelty and coldness. The Emperor is a regime and system that erases the powder of those who don’t correspond to it. He’s conservative and adamant, and it’s not easy to appeal to his heart, despite the fact that he’s inclined to impose his point of view, to teach and control. He suppresses any rebellion in the bud.

In other words, we smoothly come to the fact that the entire race of the Galra, in the form that it exists in most of the episodes, goes under the card of The Emperor. They have strict rules, many, even the most insignificant offenses are punishable by death, and their system works like a clock under the control of their ruler. The leader’s word is the law, the one who doesn’t respect the leader will meet his end. Stability is also part of their lives. Their emperor didn’t change for more than ten thousand years. They’re used to it. They’re used to a lot of things.

And then we go to the obvious personification of the archetype of The Emperor. That's right, to Zarkon. He’s so consistent with this card. Not only is he literally an emperor in his empire, but if before the Rift he was just a serious ruler, a leader capable of holding everything in his hands, then he combined the worst features of the Emperor. He’s a despot and tyrant who doesn’t care about others. He only adjusts everything for himself - with the help of his Empress, Haggar. He strives for even greater power, crumbles under himself everything that meets in his way. Races, planets, his own kind, his own son.

I must say, in the story itself, The Emperor literally means a meeting with Zarkon and a battle with him.

At the same time, we have Lotor, who’s partly an archetype of the Emperor, but not completely. He has both negative traits of this archetype and positive ones. And this is far from the only part that makes up his character. We’ll talk about this later.

5. The Hierophant.

This card means a lot. Both a spiritual teacher, and connection with religions, and traditional actions, and any organizations, all sorts of serious things.

One way or another, in the plot this card is displayed as the beginning of the diplomatic activity of the paladins, all their communication with other races.

You can add the Blades of Marmora to The Hierophant, because they’re an organization that’s very difficult to get into, it’s devoted to underground activities and is associated with information - that is, with knowledge.

Equally important are the negative traits of The Hierophant, which also find a response in the plot. The purity of faith, party, teaching, blood, race - this is its professional headache. Its worst trait is complacency, intolerance and exceptional conviction of its own righteousness.

Lynching, the search for enemies of the people, the fight against infidels, the witch hunt, the tribunal, the auto da-fe – this is its gloomy bottom or black peak. Actually, this we definitely meet in the plot, and more than once. From the side of Allura. From the paladins. From the liberated races. This topic we’ll see many more times.

Another thing is that not everyone is ready to poke The Hierophant into its failures.

6. The Lovers

The card, despite its name, which could warm a shipper’s heart, is not about love. Well, it can be about love, but not in this case.

It may mean a situation of choice, not necessarily related to love. Then it means that one way or another we’ll have to make a decision, decisively and irrevocably, without leaving any loopholes for ourselves and taking on certain obligations. The Lovers depict a bold decision made by your heart. This is an internal knowledge of what is good and what is bad for you personally, which can’t be faked or deceived. You can’t listen to it, you can pretend that you don’t hear and don’t know it, you can act in defiance, but its tone doesn’t change.

In fact, the entire Keith’s story arc goes under this card. And the point is not in his possible romantic relationship.

The fact is that from the very moment he found out that he was a half-Galra, from the moment he began to do something with the Blades... a choice began to arise in front of him.

To take a step towards what really attracts him – the Blades, life with the Galra, inner freedom...

Or to stay with the paladins, in a place that he doesn’t like, but which he «must» take. As we all remember, he made a choice by the heart. He followed the call to work with the Blades.

Choices often confront heroes during narration. But these choices aren’t always truly right.

7. The Chariot

This card is a movement, it’s a pure impulse. At the same time, it’s control over one’s life, a clear understanding of what one wants and what needs to be achieved. Also, various journeys and adventures pass through it.

In fact, under The Chariot card, Lotor and his actions pass in many ways. Because he knows what he needs to do, he knows what he wants, and achieves this in all possible ways. He drives his chariot confidently, rarely doubts anything, and at first he succeeds a lot.

However, the farther the plot, the more we see that The Chariot doesn’t always go in the right direction and sometimes Lotor still loses control over it. This happens when it’s revealed that he built ships secretly from Zarkon. In general, very quickly he passes from a state of triumph and regular victories to a state where it’s difficult to do anything and he’s forced to rush to wherever his eyes look.

In part, The Chariot is also part of the character of Lotor, who’s used to keeping everything under control. At the same time, he’s not just a harsh Emperor, he’s an inspirer, he’s a traveler who never stays in one place and is always open to something new.

On the part of the paladins, The Chariot is their whole journey. Their entire movement is largely chaotic, albeit with an understanding of what needs to be done. They don’t always hold control, and then it carries them away - it carries them into serious, very serious problems.

8. Justice

It’s a very important card. It connects the relationship between action and consequences, taking responsibility for their actions, comprehending social laws, and the ability to make informed decisions. In other words, everything related to karma and responsibility is here.

And this same card is really important for the plot, for the development of the paladins. Because they often acted without thinking about the consequences, relying only on spontaneous, impulsive impulses. There are a lot of such examples, they go through the whole plot, but let's take a few.

The first meeting of Lotor at the paladins took place under the direction of Keith, and he certainly doesn’t realize the lesson of Justice. He’s not used to following the rules, he’s not used to commanding, and all his actions will shout at them in the future - Lotor throws their Lions in all directions like kittens. If he would like to - he would easily kill them.

In many ways, Lotor’s interaction with the paladins goes under the flag of Justice. More precisely, its non-compliance.

The paladins are going to give the prince into the hands of Zarkon – and immediately receive the consequences of their incorrect decision, that is, fraud and further problems.

But the most important thing that our heroes do, which very strongly comes around to them in the future, happens in S6. On the part of Allura, this is a belief in the words of Romelle and an instant decision to punish Lotor, on the part of the paladins – it’s the decision to fight Lotor. One way or another, in the future, their wrong actions will be scourged by the Earth, which, due to their loss, will be captured. The empire is fragmented due to the disappearance of Lotor – and these are also serious consequences.

It’s difficult to say whether the characters learned a lesson in what Justice provides. They at least tried.

And you probably would have understood the whole point if... yes, yes, right, if not for the broken S8.

We’ll return to this topic. Because the amendments that were made to the plot... contributed to its complete destruction.

9. The Hermit

A card of self-development, immersion in oneself and the study of one’s own abilities. The card is also associated with receiving magic gifts that will help the hero fulfill his mission.

One way or another, it’s this card that suits Allura.

She not only differs from the others; the further in the plot, the more distant she is from the others, and the more she plunges into self-knowledge to understand what exactly happens to her, who she is and what she needs – not for everyone around, but for herself.

A gift comes to her through Oriande, when she comprehends her essence in many ways. Then, a «teacher» comes to the rescue – in this case, more likely a «guide», who is Lotor. He could instruct her and help her get to the state of the Empress, which she needed so much. But the story didn’t complete the training of Allura. The Hermit’s path hasn’t been completed. And this is another fail of the changed plot.

Also, this card suits Keith. His choice has already been mentioned earlier, but one way or another, he also went through internal growth in order to find his real self. His Galran self.

Also, the path of the Haggar-Honevra is important. Because she passes through The Hermit at a time when she gradually regains her memories and herself. She again remembers herself, her personality, her son. And she also receives gifts having passed through Oriande.

The development path goes absolutely for all characters. I described only those that have a serious impact on the plot.

10. Wheel of Fortune

I like this card. It carries the inevitability of development, random events, it helps to accept oneself, and also reminds us that everything will end one way or another. That’s why you need to continue to move on and seize the moment. But the most important thing is fate and events, especially influencing what’s happening.

In fact, the most significant events in the plot take place along the Wheel of Fortune. This is the victory of the paladins over Zarkon, then – the battle of Lotor with Zarkon and his victory over him, the rise of Lotor as emperor, the disappearance of Lotor and the capture of the Earth. And also other events... that were supposed to be, but didn’t happen. For example, the return of Lotor. The salvation of the universe is real, not what was provided in the series. One way or another... development stopped and sticks began to be inserted into the wheel.

But its influence doesn’t become smaller.

11. Strength

This card depicts reconciliation and integration of opposites within the hero: male and female, mind and emotions, instincts and rational principles, consciousness and the unconscious.

This card follows all the way of Keith. His decision to be with the Blades, the fact that in the end he became a better leader than he was at first. Because he was reconciled with himself. Because he found strength in himself.

This is also the path of Allura. Its very important part, which was supposed to be decisive. This is the alliance of Allura and Lotor. The way they would balance each other, complementing, improving, not by force, but with the help of soft influence. Strength is never about physical strength. This is primarily strength of mind and gentleness at the same time. The ability to tame the beast, which doesn’t allow to move on.

This was clearly an important development in the fate of Lotor. Because he contains the Galran teaching, their eternal «victory or death» is fixed in his mind. And that bothers him. This doesn’t allow him to fully reveal. In the future, he would surely be able to come to a harmony of the Altean and Galran principles in himself. There was no opportunity. This opportunity has been missed.

Allura also had to cope with her aggressiveness and intolerance, to come to a merger of the two parts. Well. Partly she did it. But because of all the same interference in the story – not to the end. Development hasn’t been fully completed. She didn’t come to harmony in her soul.

12. The Hanged Man

Important card. Special card. It carries a loss of meaning and purpose of the path, awareness of hopelessness in the face of future death, readiness for self-sacrifice. Everything connected with the voluntary sacrifice goes through this card.

Well, the plot has everything connected with it.

If the Galra go under The Emperor’s card, then under The Hanged Man’s one there’s the entire Altean race. In the plot, they’re in a suspended position – in a colony, with the danger that they’ll be found and destroyed, as well as with great willingness to sacrifice their lives for the good of society. Voluntary sacrifice is what they do all the time. Since there’s every reason to believe that the Alteans readily went to possible death when Lotor called for them, this fits even more precisely into the concept of The Hanged Man.

Ulaz, who literally sacrificed his life to help the paladins, also suits here.

The same card suits Allura. And also – Honerva. Not surprising, given that they’re both Alteans. Their sacrifice at the end is a sacrifice for salvation.

Unnecessary and stupid sacrifice, but still we have what we have.

13. Death

Despite the creepy name, this card doesn’t carry a real negative. Death is a card of transformation.

Although it can mean literal death, which is happening all the time in the series. The death of an almost entire race of Alteans. Permanent deaths of the Galra’s victims and the Galra themselves.

But much more important are the «death» of Lotor, who stayed in the Rift, and the immediately subsequent «death» of Allura, who hasn’t died yet, but she’s undergoing a serious transformation during her lifetime. She literally dies in her soul, being on Earth. It’s something like a limb for her, where she wanders, trying to understand what’s happening.

14. Temperance

In general, this card depicts inner harmony. And it always goes after the Death card. When you go through perdition in order to find the radiance of the soul and happiness.

One way or another, the story arc of Allura continues under this card, who was supposed to come to harmony on Earth, figure out herself, realize where she was wrong and so on. This card differs from The Hermit: it occurs precisely after the advent of trouble and a certain depression.

According to this card, life comes after death. We saw this at the end of S8, when Allura sacrificed herself. That there’s afterlife for her. However, in a normal plot this is not the end.

This is just the beginning.

15. The Devil

This card carries a meeting with internal demons, suppressed by desires, as well as with an antagonist who acts as the external carrier of the Shadow of the Hero.

One way or another, Lotor’s life goes under this card. His Shadow is always in front of him - this is Zarkon. At first, he doesn’t fight with him, but tries to reconcile, what we see in his childhood and youth, but not all demons are subject to taming, and Lotor quickly realizes that it’s impossible to reconcile with him. Rather, it can be possible... but he doesn’t want this.

So our prince begins the battle with his father, with his Devil, whose echoes are also found in himself – in the form of a severe Galra upbringing. Lotor isn’t a bad person, he goes as far as possible from what his father did, but one way or another, the dark sides in him manifest themselves from time to time. Take, for example, his actions after the battle with Throk, when the exile to the most distant post was a manifestation of mercy.

In any case, the most important meeting of Lotor and his Shadow occurs when he encounters his father and defeats him. An important detail happens at that moment. The sun is falling on his face – which further confirms this way out of darkness to the light that he committed.

Each character has its dark sides. Pidge has endless egoism, she always puts herself and her family in the first place, and in the series there was no necessary progress further, she didn’t outgrow it and remained together with her demons.

Keith is too hot-tempered, his hasty decisions ruin a lot, and he only partially moved away from this to the very end, but... not completely. Perhaps it’s impossible, after all, it’s part of his character.

The dark side of Allura is her bias, her post-traumatic xenophobia... and also – a hot temper and impulsivity. Take, for example, how she pilots her Lion and how she fights. Over time, she becomes more tolerant, but still doesn’t get a full development, and her darkness remains with her, continuing to poison her life.

Again, everyone has negative aspects, but it doesn’t make sense to describe it for a long time, everyone understands everything.

16. The Tower

My most unlikable card, but very important one.

The Tower is the collapse of obsolete foundations and plans, the resolution of an obsolete value system.

The first moment, perhaps, is the story about Zarkon in the past. This has already destroyed past guesses, thoughts and the belief that he’s actually «pure evil».

Next is Zarkon's hunt for Lotor.

Then comes the betrayal, when the generals betray Lotor and thereby destroy the world familiar to him.

Next event is Allura discovering that Lotor is half Altean. This becomes the collapse of the past plan of thoughts for her. And now everything is moving into a new direction.

And most importantly... there are even three events in a row: this is Romelle's story, the battle with Lotor and the understanding that Shiro had been a clone for a long time.

In general, there’s nothing to say. Some events of this card led to a successful resolution. And some destroyed it all. That's why it’s The Tower.

It leaves nothing behind.

17. The Star

...well, something still remains, and that’s good.

The Star card is hope in its purest form. These are dreams and fantasies, a certain fragility, which may eventually manifest in life, or may not appear. It exists and doesn’t exist at the same time.

Hope really shines on the paladins throughout the seasons. Moreover, it shines both to Lotor and Honerva.

Everyone has different hopes and dreams, but one way or another, everyone has the belief that they will succeed in doing what they want.

To save the universe. To find a safe and convenient source of quintessence. To get the son back.

Not all hopes are justified.

But all the characters continue to believe.

It also describes the events after S6. When everything around gives hope. The hope that Lotor will return to the story.

Again... unfortunately, not all hopes are justified. Sometimes they’re destroyed by someone else's intervention.

18. The Moon

And again, we have a mystery card. But it’s much deeper, it’s the mystery hidden so far that only few could reach. Secrets of The High Priestess are always revealed, but secrets of The Moon – almost never.

Also, this card is responsible for fears and wandering in captivity of illusions. And for deceit too, which is important.

This card mainly refers to the situation with Lotor and the colony. This is a dangerous secret that shouldn’t have surfaced, which created a huge amount of fears – in just a few seconds – and destroyed everything. But much more important is that under this card goes... Romelle. A dark horse, in the words of which there are too many suspicious omissions, and even more in her behavior. A snake hiding under a pretty appearance, pretending to be a victim and a fool. She suits The Moon. And now her secret would have been revealed in the future... if not for the changes in the plot.

19. The Sun

This card, in fact, only partially appears in the story, as well as subsequent ones. Rather, it’s present, but... it’s expressed incorrectly. Because of all the same changes.

The Sun is the first card of rebirth. And also it means happiness, harmony, the beginning of the end of the path and the final victory.

One way or another, it was The Sun that had to fully manifest itself in the last season.

We have already seen its power – when Allura brought Lance back to life. In the same way, she could bring Lotor back to life, which is exactly what the plot was supposed to happen. Reunion.

And next comes…

20. Judgment

Oh, what a beautiful card, twofold and amazing! How much was to happen in Voltron!

This card means healing, transformation, removal of all masks. It continues the theme of The Sun, being its final chord. Masks are dropped, and all things open in their true light.

At the end of the story, or rather, closer to its end, Romelle was to be exposed, and the return of Lotor took place, and the discovery of the true goals of Honerva.

But as a result, we have a completely dead Lotor – which, however, also fits into the concept of Judgment, which also means ultimate death. But given all the past signs – the card wasn’t fully used. What was about to happen didn’t happend. 21. The World The last card completing the Hero’s Jounrey. Homecoming. The completion of the plot. The end of all, achieving goals.We all know how VLD ended. The «happy ending», or rather, what was disguised as it, can only be called an inverted World.The storylines didn’t reach the end. The story arcs of the characters weren’t finished.The Hero’s Journey wasn’t completed. It was rudely interrupted.As if there was one straight line at the end of which someone drew a bunch of strange lines.The World doesn’t mean a complete end. It symbolizes the beginning of a new story. Each of the characters went in different directions, each with their own path.If they all went through the journey that was laid down in this story, as in all other stories like this, they would be really happy. A new era would come for them. A new life.But the broken plot left them with the severity of the past. The plot threw them, spat out, like unnecessary details.The plot grind the lives and arcs of Lotor, Allura, Lance and Shiro. It changed the lives of Pidge, Hunk and Keith in the negative direction.Everything that happened was wrong.Because the Hero's Journey is always the same.Only the heroes themselves differ... and the details.And this journey didn’t reach the end. Real development slowed down somewhere.So, this story isn’t complete. What we’re shown is an unfinished stub.We still love this story. Even as it is.But actually... we all love this story as it should have been. So, we went through the Hero's Journey through the 22 Major Tarot And remember, cards exist not only for divination.Cards are a unique system for exploring the world, psychology and much more. 

[slythergirlimagines]

Why Slytherin Should Not Be Used To Classify Every Bad Person

A think Piece by Me

(Before I begin please don’t take this too seriously, it is merely a bit of light hearted fun on my part. It’s only a half-serious discussion;) If you aren’t interested in this post, no offense taken, but if you like to be sorted into Hogwarts houses please scroll to the end for info!)

Why Slytherin Should Not Be Used To Classify Every Bad Person- A Think Piece by Me

It’s not uncommon in the world of the Harry Potter fandom to see Slytherin hurled as an insult to various members of the community or celebrities when they are seen as bad people. While it’s true that many of the traits embodied by the Slytherin House can lend themselves to evil acts, it’s not quite as simple as that. Hagrid tells Harry “There's not a single witch or wizard who went bad who wasn't in Slytherin.” However, this statement is disproven by the existence of Peter Pettigrew (Gryffindor), Gilderoy Lockhart (Ravenclaw), and Professor Quirell (Ravenclaw).

Many of you have heard this before. It’s been stated and restated in a million different ways. I know some of you not in the Slytherin House are rolling your eyes. And yes, this is not an important matter considering all that’s going on in the world. You’ll hear no arguments from me there. However, I enjoy writing and I need something to distract myself, and also I’m sick and tired of reading Slytherin as an insult to every bad person in the world.

That being said, if you don’t want to read because you find this silly, then scroll on. I get it. But if you do want a bit of a distraction in the form of a light hearted tumblr post, then please continue reading.

1. Villains of the Harry Potter Universe

Hagrid’s statement to Harry about Slytherin, wasn’t completely true. Hagrid would not have been wrong had he amended his statement and said “The majority of bad witches and wizards come from Slytherin.” That statement would have been 100% true- a majority of Harry Potter villains do come from Slytherin.

“So what’s the big deal then?” You ask. “Why can’t we just keep calling people we view as villains, Slytherin?”

Well for starters, not every villain in Harry Potter was a Slytherin. As I mentioned previously, Petter Pettigrew was a Gryffindor, and Lockhart and Quirrell were both Ravenclaws. Why does that matter? Because....

2. People are not one dimensional

Before we launch into that, let’s discuss sorting. Sorting is a way for assigning individuals with certain personality traits a “house” where they can share a community with other similar individuals. Gryffindors are said to value courage, bravery, and chivalry. Ravenclaws value intelligence, learning, and wit. Hufflepuff value hard work, patience, and loyalty. Slytherins value ambition, determination, and cunning.

“Yes, we know.” You say, “Get on with it.”

I bring up the House traits and sorting for a reason. Most criminal or villainous acts have motives. Motives, like ogres and onions, have layers. Let’s look at an example.

A man rides into battle, and because he is such a great warrior, he is able to slaughter a hundred of his enemies. Is this a villainous act?

Your answer would most likely depend on what side you’re on. To the man’s side, he is a hero and just in his action. To his enemies’ side he is a monster, a murderer. What house would we sort him into?

Maybe you’ll say that he’s a Gryffindor for his courage in battle. Perhaps you’ll consider if this was a strategic, intelligent move and you’ll classify him as a Ravenclaw. Maybe you’ll consider if this man rode into battle for his loyalty, or the ideals of justice that would make him a Hufflepuff. Or maybe you’ll consider him a Slytherin for his determination and cunning strategy to defeat his enemies.

Human beings have depth. All Gryffindors are not only brave, just as Slytherins are not only ambitious. All of these traits make up human personalities, and all people at some time or another have utilized these traits. Slytherins have been hardworking and loyal, Gryffindors have been smart, Hufflepuffs have been cunning, and Ravenclaws have been brave. People are not just one thing.

“Yes we know this too. Why is that relevant?”

Because....

3. You must consider the motives

Bad or villainous acts are definitely perspective based, but if we’re going to look at someone we’ve determined to be a villain, we must examine their motives. Arguably, yes, on the surface Slytherin House traits seem to lend themselves towards more villainous acts if you focus on the negative connotations of their valued traits. Someone who is power hungry would use cunning and ambition to climb to the top, but they would also be hard working, intelligent, and brave.

So yes, these are personality traits, but they aren’t motives. Why am I hammering this in? Let’s take a look at our non-Slytherin villains.

Peter Pettigrew is a Gryffindor coward. He does what he does because of this cowardice. But none of the houses value cowardice, and his own house is the antithesis of cowardice. So if Pettigrew is a coward, why is he in Gryffindor? You could argue that it’s because he values bravery the most. Perhaps because he never had it, he covets it more than anything, and places bravery on a pedestal. The truth of it is, it doesn’t matter what his house is. Pettigrew is a coward, which leads him to team up with the bad guy and commit crimes out of fear. He’s a villain not because of his house, but because of his crime. Because of his motives.

Lockhart is a Ravenclaw who takes other people’s knowledge and achievements for himself so he can have fame and fortune. He isn’t capable of doing these things himself mentally or physically, so he steals the work of others. He utilized his intelligence to get away with this crime, cunning to figure out plans, hard work to maintain his lies, and one could argue courage to do something so risky. Villain? Yes. Slytherin? No.

Quirrell is also a Ravenclaw. He hides himself behind an unthreatening facade to do his master’s evil bidding. It can be assumed that he shares Voldemort’s ideals and wants the power promised to him from his service. Again, you would find that he would have to utilize a multitude of various house traits to pull this off, but he’s still not a Slytherin.

See what I mean? Traits are the how. They are the reason something gets done. They are utilized to carry out an action. But motives are the reason why. Motives defy Hogwarts House classification, not only because they are so layered, but because......

4. Traits have no moral alignment

Ambition is not inherently good or bad. Neither is cunning. Determination is hardly ever classified as something negative. Ambition is an environmentalist saving the environment, a black politician climbing the ranks to bring change to their community, or women banding together to demand change. Cunning is figuring out the best way to distribute funds various organizations, deciding on the best strategy to implement free birth control, or solving the water crisis through vigorous strategy. Determination is fighting constantly for these changes, it’s grit, never giving up on what you know is right.

Any personality trait or ideal can become negative and can be abused. Intelligence can be used to keep a group of people in poverty. Bravery can be someone running into a crowd with a gun. Justice can be a murder. Villains do not think that their actions are wrong. They idealize them, thinking that killing someone of a different race is justice just because they could have harmed that person. Racists often believe they are just for hating people of a different race.

Traits are not good or bad, nor are they defining of a person. Our above mentioned villains often utilized traits that were not valued by their house to commit their acts, but that didn’t make them belong any less to the house they were sorted into.

Again.....

5. Defining an act as good or bad is more complicated than that

Evil is a hard thing to define in the world. There is so much that goes into determining if something is evil or if someone is bad. Motives, societal moral belief, and personal ideals are just a few concepts that shape what we determine to be good or bad. That’s not to say people don’t have set things they believe are evil. I have those too. However, it would be impossible to settle on a universal definition of an evil act that everyone agreed with.

As I stated earlier, perspective is a huge factor in determining the moral impact of an action. Our enemies think our acts evil, while our friends agree that our acts are good. These acts themselves defy Hogwarts House classification. It is the person’s personality and beliefs that should classify them in a house. Not just whether they are a villain or hero in our eyes.

So why is this whole argument relevant?

Because it’s annoying as a Slytherin to see every bad person sorted by people into your house. Yes it’s a stupid thing to be annoyed with, but for a lot of Harry Potter fans, a huge source of enjoyment comes from the community of your house. Being able to identify and bond with others over your shared house creates a sense of community. It also helps many people understand themselves, just as personality quizzes do. Sure it may be meaningless in the “real world,” but it helps you learn about yourself and have fun.

Yes there is no Hogwarts, and the houses don’t mean anything in real life. But they do in our community and fandom. It’s time for us to intellectually grow and start to discuss people and villains in terms of overarching personality. You won’t hear me arguing that a majority of them may come from Slytherin. However, it’s time for us to take back our house, and it’s time for Slytherins to be given respect.

We are not all evil, we are not all bad. Our valued traits can be used for as much good as any other house traits. Evil people and evil acts do not just have to be Slytherins by default. It’s 2020 and Slytherin is no longer a bad word. We are ambitious as hell, ferocious, and badass. But we are not villains.

Thank you for listening to my Slytherin-positive rants, I really needed to write something out today. Nobody take this too seriously, it’s just a think piece. I hope that you all are and continue to be well:)

On the sorting that I do: If you would like to be sorted, all you have to do is message me and say you’re interested. I don’t require any information other than “I want to be sorted.” I will send you a questionnaire, and you will message me back your answers. I really like to do in-depth sorting, so most of them will be long. I do people of all ages. I don’t post results of sorting, they are kept between us in private messages, so you can be brutally honest about your answers. However, if you’d like me to make a post, I will with an edited version that removes anything private. I love to do sorting and I hope to hear from you guys soon.

On the writing that I do: I also love to write. I will take fanfic requests, questions, and think piece topics. If you have any questions about which fandoms I write for check my bio for a short list, or just send me a message! Chances are I’ve probably watched or read whatever it is enough to write about it!

[scoutception]

AI: The Somnium Files review

While it wasn’t the first visual novel series I played, the Zero Escape trilogy- Nine Hours, Nine Persons, Nine Doors, Virtue’s Last Reward, and Zero Time Dilemma- is what made me interested in exploring more visual novels in general. Featuring a creative mix of normal visual novel sections and puzzle room sections, with stories involving fascinating pseudo science theories, colorful and interesting characters, fast, tense pacing, and great music, the series is an insane adventure that’s absolutely worth a try. The series also got me interested in the other works of Kotaro Uchikoshi, the director and writer of the series, which led me to the subject of today’s review, and his most recent work: AI: The Somnium Files, which proves to be quite the change of pace, to say the least.

Story: Kaname Date is a member of the Advanced Brain Investigation Squad (ABIS), a special, secret division of the Metropolitan Police Department. Using a device known as the Psync Machine, Date can explore the subconscious of another person by entering their Somnium, a dream world which often holds secrets they would not reveal otherwise. 6 years ago, Date lost his left eye and all of his memories, left with no link to his past, not even his real name, except for Boss, his superior in ABIS and longtime friend. His left eye was replaced by an advanced AI called Aiba, capable of functions such as night vision and x-ray, as well as serving as Date’s avatar within Somnium.

One gloomy November night, Date is called in to investigate a murder victim found in an abandoned amusement park, having suffered multiple stab wounds, tied to a merry-go-horse and missing her left eyeball. The victim is Shoko Nadami, an acquaintance of Date’s, and the ex-wife of Renju Okiura, Date’s best friend and president of the entertainment company Lemniscate. Date’s initial investigation proves unfruitful, and comes to a halt completely when he discovers someone within the merry-go-round’s central column, traumatized to the point of being unable to speak and cradling a bloody ice pick: Mizuki Okiura, the 12 year old daughter of Shoko and Renju, whom Date took into his care 4 years ago.

Date continues the investigation the days afterwards, meeting Mizuki’s friends, the internet idol Iris Sagan, aka A-Set, and the otaku and aspiring light novel author Ota Matshushita, Iris’ mother Hitomi, and Moma Kumakura, leader of the Kumakura yakuza gang. Though Date finds a number of odd connections and occurrences, such as Renju falling out of contact, a call from a mysterious prisoner only known as #89, who claims to know the identity of the killer, and a large number of incidents among the Sagans, the Kumakuras, and others, all of which seem to date back to 6 years ago, he finds little in the way of actual evidence. Left with no other recourse, Date begins to Psync with both suspects and witnesses in the hopes of preventing the killer from striking again.

While it’s a fairly standard plot on the surface, it’s very well done nonetheless. The various mysteries and plotlines are all compelling, and are all given a good amount of focus. Adding to this is the use of a route system, similar to Zero Escape, complete with a flowchart allowing you to easily go to any point in the story. Completing certain Somniums in different ways alters the course of Date’s investigation, causing certain plotlines and characters to gain or lose relevance depending on the route. While every route needs to be completed, each one containing their own reveals and clues, there’s only 5 in total, making keeping track of the distinctive events in each fairly simple. The pacing is also well done, taking its time and allowing you to get used to the characters, while throwing just enough new hints throughout to keep it interesting.

Speaking of the characters, the cast is easily my favorite part of the game. The characters are very, odd and colorful, pretty much to be expected from Uchikoshi. Date himself is a pretty entertaining protagonist, with a tendency for perversion, making bad puns, and coming up with very odd and often ineffectual ideas for progressing in Somnium, going against his serious demeanor and appearance. The supporting cast doesn’t slack either. From the rational, yet sassy Aiba, who turns much sillier within Somnium as well, to the peppy and friendly Iris, to the playful Boss, whose office is an absolute mess decorated with just about any nonsense you could imagine, to my favorite of the cast, Mizuki, the mature, sarcastic, and inexplicably strong kid who spends a good deal of her time arguing with the rather distant Date. It’s hard to dislike most of the characters, with even the most minor of them being good for a laugh or two.

That’s not to say they’re just goofy, though. Almost everyone carries some sort of baggage or secret with that adds a good deal of depth to them, and the various routes give them a lot of development. The game can be pretty damn emotional at points, and the routes focusing more on the characters than the story are the biggest source of them, especially Mizuki’s route. The lighter tone the game takes most of the time actually helps this. Most of the time, interacting with random objects trigger dumb jokes and commentary from Date and the others, and the relaxed pacing and atmosphere, at least earlier on, make it easier to get gradually attached to the cast. Once things do become more serious, the game starts cutting down the jokes, and stops them outright for the most serious of scenarios, meaning it rarely actually becomes jarring. It’s not often a game can juggle a tone as well as this one.

Overall, the writing of the game is superb, and while it’s quite different in tone and setting, it still has enough of the feel of Zero Escape to feel familiar to those who played it.

Gameplay: While I call AI: The Somnium Files a visual novel just for the sake of simplicity, it definitely more has the feel of an adventure game. There’s two types of gameplay segments, investigations and Somniums. During investigations, Date travels to various locations, talking with various characters or investigating important object. Your only control here is controlling Date’s view, and selecting different dialogue options or objects to investigate. Date often has to investigate several locations during a segment, and while you often have to visit them all, you’re given the freedom of picking where to go in whatever order you choose most of the time, giving just enough nonlinearity to not feel like a chore.

The real meat of the gameplay takes place during the Somnium sections, which are comparable to the escape rooms in Zero Escape. Within Somnium, Date and Aiba must break the various mental locks the information they are seeking are hidden behind, which involves interacting with various objects according to the logic of each Somnium. Basically, they��re purely logic puzzles, and it’s actually quite fun figuring out how everything is supposed to work.

Of course, not everything can be that easy. Every Somnium has a hard time limit of 6 minutes. Going over it causes Date’s consciousness to be absorbed into the subject’s, causing a game over. All interactions also cost time, and many incorrect decisions can drain your time pretty significantly. Thankfully, the game has many mitigating factors that keep this from just being stressful. Firstly, time only drains when you’re making choices, or actually moving around. Standing still causes only milliseconds to pass, allowing you to get a clear look around without wasting time. Additionally, all objects you can interact with have a purple outline surrounding them, and are given name tags as well, meaning you don’t have to just wander around, running up to every object in the hopes this one is usable. Not every interactable object actually has a purpose, however, with some only existing to waste your time, so you’re not completely in the clear. The progress meter on the left also gives hints, if sometimes vague ones, as to what you have to do to progress, so you’re not just fumbling in the dark in that regard, either.

Another important feature at the TIMIEs, objects you gain when you interact with objects. These cut the time actions take to perform by varying amounts, or make it take a fixed amount of time. Good use of TIMIEs can save you a lot of time, and a lot of later Sominums enforce it, making it rather strategic. Sometimes, just rushing to the correct solution burns way too much time on its own. You may have to do something you know is wrong, but takes little time and grants a good TIMIE, to be able to save more time on a much costlier action. This aspect isn’t entirely simple either, however. Not all actions display what kind of TIMIE you’ll get, making it a gamble at times, and some, including mandatory actions, give negative TIMIEs, that actually increase the amount of time an action will take, and force you to use them the action after you get them, often forcing you to do something incorrect, but with low time cost, just so you won’t game over.

Each Somnium also has two conditions that unlock album entries, which provide pictures and concept art. The first is for clearing a Somnium with more than 1 second left, as you’re actually allowed to go over the time limit if the final correct action is what pushes you over. The second is for finding special eye shaped items within the Somniums, which are often hidden out of the way. Finally, even if you’re struggling with certain sections, you’re granted 3 retries per Somnium, which allow you to return to a previous part of the section, with all the time you had left at that time, allowing you to optimize and save even more time, though it costs more retries the further back you go. Finally, even if you can’t win, you can simply restart the Somnium section with no penalty, and are even allowed to do so at any time in the menu. Overall, the Somnium sections are actually a lot of fun. Between the interesting logic and strategicness of it, not to mention some of the funniest dialogue in the game between Date and Aiba, they’re some of the most enjoyable parts of the game.

Finally, the game features a few “action segments” during the investigation segments, where Date will be faced with an actual physical threat. Aiba formulates plans to deal with the situation, and you just need to handle each step by pressing a button prompt, like a QTE, or hovering the cursor over a certain area for a long enough time. It’s not exactly difficult, but they serve their purpose. There’s also a few interrogations segments, where you must present relevant evidence to someone in order to prove a point. You can just randomly pick until you get the right one with no in game penalty, but there are achievements for clearing these sections and the action sections with no mistakes.

Graphics: AI: The Sominum Files is a surprisingly pretty game. It has a similar art style to Zero Time Dilemma, which, to put it bluntly, was downright awful in the visuals department, with unemotive character models and terrible animations that killed almost all of its attempts at being unsettling. While a few of the animations in this game can still look janky, it is on a whole much. much improved. The characters are much more expressive, helped by the designs by Yusuke Kozaki, best known for games like No More Heroes and Fire Emblem Awakening, fitting the style much better, while still being distinctive in their own right. The locations have a lot of detail to them, and the lighting is very well done. The highlight of the visuals, though, are the Somniums, which manage to give existing locations very distinctive, well, dream like qualities to them, such as shifting colors or heavy lighting, and are always a joy to explore.

Sound: AI features a downright fantastic soundtrack by Keisuke Ito. It manages to capture a similar feel to Zero Escape’s music at points, despite being a different composer, but still manages to stand out. Every song manages to fit the situation perfectly, while also being very catchy on their own, especially the Somnium themes. The music, combined with the visuals, give the game a very strong atmosphere. Whatever mood the game is attempting to set, nostalgic, tense, peaceful, or unsettling, it nails it very, very well, and had me immersed very easily.

The game also features some fantastic English voice acting. Greg Chun as Date and Erika Harlacher as Aiba are the main stars of the show, with their performances capturing their characters perfectly, but the rest of the cast is just as good. Jackie Lastra as Iris, Zach Aguilar as Ota, Corina Boettger as Mizuki, Allegra Clark as Boss, Kaiji Tang as Moma, pretty much everyone does a great job.

Conclusion: Overall, AI: The Somnium Files is something I highly recommend to most people, even those who haven’t touched another Uchikoshi game. It’s a fascinating, emotional, and satisfying experience that successfully manages to devote attention to just about everything it brings up, and doesn’t overstay its welcome. Honestly, I enjoyed it even more than any Zero Escape game, and considered I still look on those very fondly, that’s an achievement. With that, this review finally comes to a close. I shall likely be checking out the games Uchikoshi worked on before even Zero Escape: Never 7, Ever 17, and Remember 11. Till next time. -Scout

[rooneywritesbest]

The Last Of Us 2 Review: Humanity At Its Lowest By Brendan Rooney

In all honesty, did the Last of Us feel like it needed a sequel? The answer may shock you. In my opinion, it’s complicated, to say the least. No matter what side you supported; Naughty Dog still heard your cries of all emotions, from tears of joy to even the lonesome complainants. And the unthinkable happened; a sequel was in the works.

The Last of Us 2 was now in the sole possession of newly appointed director Neil Druckmann. He was previously a writer and co-director on the series. So Druckmann knew about the direction he wanted to take the series going forth into the future. 

The Last Of Us 2 is a highly decorated sequel that feels very reminiscent of a blockbuster film from elements such as the aesthetic of the gameplay, or the even solemn cinematography.  When you first start the game, you don’t hear an echo of sound. It’s clear to see that Naughty Dog is trying to lure you into a world devoid of all human connections. 

A contributor mentioned that the atmosphere feels reminiscent of the film I am Legend (Patrick Rooney). He explained to me that he was viewing a streamer and, he noticed the mannequins, lying in the decaying buildings, while no one was in sight.  The discovery in his eyes were truly a horrific spectacle to behold.

Another thing he told me that was disturbing to witness was the massacre of dogs. “Seeing the simple and easy pattern of the slaughter of dogs was a tough pill to swallow”.(Patrick Rooney). I mean I do agree with the comment but at the same time, Druckmann and Naughty Dog did go on fact and state that no animals were harmed in the making of the sequel.  

In addition to the cosmetic and narrative choices, Naughty Dog has made. The sequel picks up about 5 years after the events of the first one. The premise and narrative have switched from moral compass Joel to our humble, yet broken Ellie. In, many ways the role reversal was an interesting choice by the studio, but it was a welcome one. 

I feel the Last Of Us 1 was Joel’s perspective. And the DLC from that title was the birth of Ellie’s journey beginning to take form so it was only natural that the sequel would be from a more mature Ellie; Considering the time jump of five years.  

Joel is brought to life once again by Troy Baker. Baker still carries every ounce of heart from the original and ups his performance to an oscar worthy level. Then, of course, Ashley Johnson returns as Ellie. Johnson has a tough job of portraying Ellie at two significant portions of her life, but honestly, she nails it.

It’s clear to tell that the events of the Last of Us 1 are still shackled and imprinted into both characters. However, for once we are greeted with a mirage of peace and tranquility. Something that is a clear departure from the tone and apocalyptic world of the series. 

We finally see growth in Ellie over the span of the five-year time jump.  She is no longer the scared little girl Joel found in Boston. She’s tough, rugged, full of grit and always out to prove herself. Ellie toes the line of walking the straight and narrow in this sequel. There was an instance of gameplay with her that had me to the point of not wanting to press the action button. I was conflicted with the choice. I had to make it, but to continue the campaign I did it anyway. 

One interesting discovery was we even come to learn; that she has fully come to terms with her sexuality. No doubt in this new sequel, Ellie’s character is fleshed out to the point of her feeling almost life-like. The character of Ellie is fleshed to extreme length in the sequel and it’s only logical considering because the 2nd is her story. In fact, in this case, the studio really did exceed expectations. 

I give a clap on the back to Naughty Dog because it felt like it took great efforts for the inclusion of our time period and everything going. In many ways, the studio went above and beyond.

I will go on record and say that The Last Of Us 2 was very supportive of the LGBTQ community. The only snippet of information I will dispel is that Ellie feels comfortable with her feelings. To the point of you as the player are almost a conduit for the picture the studio is trying to promote and embrace. 

In addition to the spotlight and clarity of cultural representation. The studio also has a few other characters that will appeal to certain groups.  However, to name them would be treading into spoiler territory. Due to the fact, The Last Of Us 2 is an experience that one should not have spoiled. Because the integrity of the title would be severely tainted. 

With that being said, The Last Of Us 2 thrives on simple yet tender moments. Especially at the beginning where you are partaking in a snowball fight. Of course then at the last minute, the bubble of time pops around you from a heavy dose of reality hitting you in the face. The tone of the game quickly changes from happy and upbeat to the cold; dark; a mellow world we as players love to explore.

Then of, course spoilers come into effect and the story starts painting a one-sided picture for those who have played you will know what I mean.

 For those who have never had any exposure to the series. I will go on record and say that The Last Of Us is not designed and built like a game. In all honesty, it is in the same vein of the a motion picture film. The cast has undergone full-on motion capture to achieve every ounce of entirety and realism. 

It felt for the longest time, Naughty Dog was playing with me as a person and the choices I was about to make were going to feel real and have a dramatic impact going forward even after the completion of the game. I will say one aspect about The Last Of Us 2 is that it feels raw and definitely full of emotion. 

In all truth, this game is going to split and divide the community as a whole. The verdict will be either you love it or hate it. The sense of a middle choice will never feel real or tangible. The best way to convey this premise of narrative would be is “The story is about loss and hate, and revenge. However, it’s also a story about learning how far you are willing to go to achieve your passion for revenge and the justification of when enough is enough”(Chris Miller) 

The quote my fellow content creator Chris made is actually a deep symbolic representation of the theme that the Last Of Us 2. The sequel is trying to imprint a message of complexity and the process of how we as a species processes certain feelings and thoughts. With being said the series veterans will probably be disappointed in the decision of a character’s certain fate.

At first, I was torn but the more you invest in the narrative you get a serious dose of juxtaposition. In all honesty, playing this game from beginning to end it was an emotional roller-coaster ride. I did and experienced things as a player that would terrify me if I was part of this fictional dystopian universe. 

I will say in closing, The very thought of thinking everyone is righteous or full of morality in a world such as The Last Of Us is hypocritical. Especially a reality that is a dark memory and remnant of what our beautiful Elysium used to be is an interesting sight. 

In many ways, Neil Druckmann and Naughty Dog feel like they are trying to establish a commentary on the world and how our very conflict incites our destruction. A studio once known for a younger audience appeal has created a game that is more adult and story-driven.

I felt after the completion of the game. The very essence of gaming has been changed forever in the time being. It holds a position in the present and that being said the very choice of making this magnum opus will have a lasting effect drifting into the future. 

So in all truth, the best way to process this ride and film of an experience. Is to play it yourself and then construct your own opinion. 

Final thought, The Last Of Us 2 is a game that will divide many but it’s also one that reveals an image of humanity at its lowest and that being said the debate is far from over. 

So if I had to put a grade on this title. I would rank it as B+. The reasoning behind that choice is that it had a strong start, but it fell short through the middle. Then it felt confused at certain story beats, and the ending was powerful and it was real. 

However, that being said the chapter came to a close, and the tale of Ellie and Joel was put to rest for the time being. Now we wait for naughty dog to make their move. But I feel that forcing a sequel would taint the lore of these two games that felt like a personal journey. 

It's honestly sad to see it come to a close but all good things must come to a close.  Of course, Naughty Dog should be proud of the work they achieved on this sequel. Because, As a player, the series was a pivotal one; that gave me a new perspective on the value and symbolism of life. 

[xxforsaken-angelxx]

=> A Friendly Secret Visit.

chimericarchitect Howdy! I wanted to ask about the rods and how that was coming along.

xxforsaken-angelxx aww shit yeah i got them i just slipped on messagin you

chimericarchitect Neat! So, let me know whenever it is clear for me to come and get them and I'll do that.

xxforsaken-angelxx gotcha > You'll send her a time for later today, after your shift is over.

chimericarchitect > Presumably he will send updated coordinates since it's a ship in space and you will, at the time allotted, go there to pick up the rods. It'll be great.

xxforsaken-angelxx > He will, and she'll be teleported straight to his block.

> Or at least part of his block. It visibly looks like a study, with floor to ceiling shelves on the two walls without doors that are loaded with jars of herbs, crystals, bones, and basically any other magical trinket that gets used in his kind of trade. That and what's probably a fairly narrow curation of books, most of them looking old or otherwise well loved.

> You're at your desk nestled in there, in front of an oddly old looking computer. You're dressed in full goffik attire, with the boots and the long coat and the whole nine yards.

chimericarchitect > Saness might like what she knows of Grinmaww, she might think he seems a pretty decent troll, but that doesn't change the fact that he is an unknown. She is dressed accordingly, in what she used to consider 'cool adventurer attire,' something good to tussle in or go for an impromptu roam. It consists of a sturdy white vest over long dark sleeves, equally white boots over flexible black pants, an overly vibrant neckerchief, and a wallet chain on her hip that definitely doesn't connect to a wallet. With her sunglasses up in her stark-white dandelion puff of curling hair, useless but available, Saness looks like a starry-eyed kid dressed up as a cosplay biker.

> She arrives in a blossoming yellow-green light, accompanied by the sound of something stretching sharp, the hollow bell-tone echo of a rubber band snapping, an unnaturally compressed static twang. It's only a fall of a few inches to the floor of the ship, boots tmp-ing with the weight of her existence as the glow recedes as rapidly and efficiently as it had appeared. With her face fully exposed, it can be noted on a glance that her hair grows in this shade. That, or she spends way too much time dying her eyebrows and lashes.

> Immediately Saness looks to Grinmaww, the full attention of 5' 10" of dimension-hopping globetrotter drawn right to him by some force unknown. There is a sort of reckless energy to the way she carries herself, careless of her color, focused intently and intensely on the only other troll in the room. It lingers for a heavy second, gears turning behind her eyes, before scattering nearly as immediately under the force of her own curiosity and whimsy, the dopey little 'o' of her mouth and the perplexed pinch of her brow turning to a wowed smile while the slightly flighty hands-out posture of her arms falls to her sides as she straightens. Her eyes gleam when they catch light, a reflective plate of lime snapping here and there over all of the fascinating and colorful doodads filling the walls of this space.

> "My dude, you are absolutely killing this aesthetic."

> She defaults to common Alternian, for all purposes friendly and easygoing in tone, if a little bright with excitement.

xxforsaken-angelxx > That cracks him up immediately, after those few seconds of regarding each other in silence. His face is...oddly stretchy, the skin pulls a little farther than most people when he smiles.

> Which is why he doesn't, when he rises out of his office chair to full 6'5" stature. It's not exactly an Ampora Resting Bitch Face, his eyes stay friendly, but there's all the signs of someone who keeps their expressions trained.

"Well shit, mission fuckin' accomplished then. I'm diggin' your whole look too, though. Y'look cute."

> And how dare she, frankly? Meeting someone from a whole other universe was supposed to be a big deal, both from a mental and security standpoint, but here she was waltzing up with the aura of a box of novelty rubber ducks. It's hard to be all serious at that, bah.

chimericarchitect > Cute, huh? Saness grins a little wider, something easy and lopsided. She's being very loose with her expressions, leaning heavily into what charisma she possesses over her own stranger-danger default; there has not been one single Eridan in the history of fish-or-otherwise bastards that she has ever gotten along with, but in counter she has a great and hopeful fondness for Makaras and clowns in general. All she has to do is be her charming self and *surely* things will work out. Surely. So far so good, right?

"Well shit, mission fuckin' accomplished!" she intones in quick mimicry, momentarily affecting his cant and general tone of bearing. That too falls away, dripping from one instant to the next with the pulse of a rabbit. A flourish places her splayed fingertips over her chest, the goofish mockery of a stuffy tilt to her chin. "Saness Casper Psuede, The Mischief, at your service and pleased to finally meet you, Grinmaww!"

> She is, perhaps, a bit much at full-tilt, hyped to be here and make a solid first impression. Ideally, Grinmaww will like her as much as she hopes to like him. That's the plan. The scheme. The big cannoli. *Maybe* this critically informal introduction will entice him into relaxing as well. A girl can dream.

xxforsaken-angelxx > Hearing his drawl coming out of her makes him laugh again, and he instinctively tries to go for a handshake. Just a casual one. Business casual.  

"Man, you're somethin', arentcha? And somethin' that should use Mischief more often, that's a good one."

> Truth be told, he was already fond of her. Being in the position he was, he tended to like people who had a different view of the world, and Saness kept fitting that to a T. Even discounting her inherent otherworldly-ness, she was people smart in a way he couldn't manage, and just...had a certain way of things. Maybe a way that clashed with his way sometimes. But it was an interesting way, and an interesting clash.

> Sure being the leader of a big ass ship also put him in that same zone of inner stranger wariness, but y'know. So far so good!

"Nice to finally meet you too."

chimericarchitect > The Dreaded Handshake, As The Prophecy Foretold. With how sharp she keeps her claws these nights the best she can do to cover up is to wear fingerless gloves, but that is inconducive to the possibility of reacting to danger, and she anticipated that the ever-present threat of engaging in polite society might rear itself anyway. Thus, a counter arrangement has been prepared in advance: completely naturally, despite her lack of hand cover, as if this was the response expected of her, Saness reaches past Grinmaww's outstretched palm and clasps his covered forearm. A bracing, friendly gesture!

> It's loose enough an action that she doesn't have time to react to new information, or to accommodate the unexpected. From this close, she can feel her hair standing on end, a fresh tingle across the nape of her neck. This isn't Chill Boss Aura, the weight of his presence more intense with proximity, but rather something else entirely. Something otherworldly. The trouble with keeping her features emotionally available and reactive is that, they are, in fact, emotionally available and reactive. Her eye scrunches slightly and her smile ticks one degree toward uncomfortable on the matching side.

> Braced like this, she gives his arm the single handshake pump of proper business, albeit a fraction of a second delayed.

> Quick, say something.

"Ah, yeah, you think so? I thought it was kinda, heh, on the nose. If somebody were to roll up and introduce themself with the title of 'Mischief' you'd have certain expectations, I'd think."

xxforsaken-angelxx > Eridan isn't oblivious enough to miss her sudden awkwardness, but it's also not like he knows his own aura, or any other reason Saness might avoid handshakes. In his mind he just went too formal, like a dumbass. He goes a touch sheepish when she goes a touch awkward, and flicks his hair and plays it cool when she lets go.

> The third eye he draws in his paint wasn't peeking through his bangs until now.

"I mean, sure. But that kind of expectation would probably get you some friends around somewhere like here. Mischief and clowns go together, right?"

> Hopefully, at least?

chimericarchitect > Once released she gives him a conspiratorial smile, waggles a finger, and says, "Those mischievous clowns," in that fake-cursing sort of tone, meant to confirm his assertion.

> Now that she's aware of an otherworldly presence, she is Aware of it. It's kind of just all over the place, isn't it? And her new friend appears to be the epicenter...

> From this point out, her attention is going to be partially split. Whatever it is, it doesn't *feel* directly threatening, but it's definitely unlike the clown deities she's met. It's... not quite familiar. Grinmaww's angels? But it doesn't feel like the angels she's known either, not... quite... Perhaps they aren't angels at all. That's the unsettling part. People and things that identify as other things can have a lot of reasons for doing so. Half the angels she's met weren't so nice anyhow...

> Most of the time she keeps her attention politely fixed on Grinmaww, but it slips through him or past him here and there, occasionally flitting elsewhere in the room. Saness cannot help but be wary in the back of her mind.

> Uncultured, she points right at his face.

"In every timeline I've visited or heard of, face paint holds a lot of personal significance to the clowns who wear it." Her arm drops to her side and she rocks on her toes in a gentle and harmless fidget. "Is it too personal to tell me about? I'm curious."

xxforsaken-angelxx > There's those in the church that don't believe that *any* of the entities are who they say they are. Some believe they're all more of a subconscious figment than anything else- not nonexistant, per se, but a form to let the troll mind comprehend something uncomprehendable. Eridan does believe in his angels, but he's not... unfamiliar, with the idea that they might not be so straightforward.

> He doesn't know that's what's on her mind, but *they* do. They can sense her attention. They know she can feel them. And they...want to play nice, actually. Yes they're everywhere, yes they have him in their grasp, but does that have to feel so bad? They can at least try to be a bit more friend shaped.  

> Meanwhile, their host gets thrown by that question. Not in a defensive way, just in a purely off-guard one.

"Uh, no, it's not, it's-" He gestures, aimlessly. "It's not actually *that* big of a thing? For us? Like it's real fuckin' important, don't get me wrong, but it's not like- it's not *sacred.* It's fashion."

> He shoved his hands in his pocket, and gave his jacket a bit of a flounce.

"I uh...picked mine when I was pretty young. The whole painted on smile and the tears and the secret eye. It's all kinda obvious. But I still like the vibe. Still me and such."

chimericarchitect > Saness can... kind of feel them, the attention of Grinmaww's angels in response to her awareness. She can detect the things they broadcast most blatantly, the more gentle way they coil, the intentional friendliness. Perhaps an act like that would put a more paranoid troll on higher alert, but where most people have a healthy level of mistrust for the unknown, developed or instinctual, Saness has stubbornly hoarded olive branches to clumsily brandish at anything that exists. If they want to be friendly, then by the stars, Saness is going to give them her reckless trust and put her faith where her mouth is.

> Understanding that the angels are at least *similarly* aware of her the way she is aware of them, Saness begins working through the process of lowering her mental hackles, just as intentionally relaxing as they intentionally displayed peace. She loves being cool and playing nice, well and truly.

> It helps that Grinmaww is so cute. Look at him, fumbling and fluffing his feather. Normally she would giggle at him, laughter comes so easily to her, but with her focus split, all she does is smile fondly. It feels safe enough to relax around him, and they all vibe together as a unit, so... Yeah. Everything is cool and she is pleased to make more than one acquaintance. Yep. That's what she's rolling with.

"So, dedication to fashion is really important, but being a clown is not an organized religion beyond being purple and... being goth..." The last part is said almost like a question. "Would you be in trouble if you didn't wear paint, if it isn't sacred? What about like, partial coverage? In public and stuff. Oh, and, um, the whole... distinction thing. Goth is more elegant? Than punk? Or like, grunge, or emo. Are you supposed to dedicate yourself to YOUR aesthetic or is there a dress code? Is 'goth' an important word? Does equating it to other aesthetics come across as rude?"

> Special Move: One Thousand Needling Questions no Jutso.

xxforsaken-angelxx "You don't get in *trouble* for not wearing the paint, no. Like, most people around here wouldn't want to be out an' about without it or nothin', but just in the way anybody else who wears a lotta makeup wouldn't. Partial coverage's fine, too. I know this one chick who does a pattern with half her face, 's'cool as hell. And there is absolutely not a dress code beyond legal modesty and safety regulations, I almost can't believe you gotta ask that."

> He says it with fondness, as he leans up against his desk. He could talk about this stuff forever, he just had to settle into the rhythm of it. His gods seemed to enjoy it too, maybe, almost curling up beside him once he got on a roll.

"Self expression is important to us. It's an inherent part of our magic. We're all brought together around a school of thought with magic that's about experimentation and what you feel, so, like. If you're callin' up the damned with scryin' bones, why the fuck *shouldn't* you wear a full black velvet cloak, y'know? Why not wear it out to get a sandwich every night, if that's what makes you happy?"

"So comparin' us to punk or whatever else is rude just 'cause it's not us. We have an ideology, and punk has a totally different ideology, an' none of us really want to be lumped together when it doesn't stand for the same thing."

chimericarchitect "Then... what is the goth clown ideology? Under that umbrella of self-expression and exploration... are there pretty pastel clowns, peppy and chipper, or clowns that... essentially aren't goth? That sounds really kind of cool though, being encouraged to pursue happiness in the empire. Are there purplebloods that aren't clowns, or is it kind of mandatory?"

> Saness is slowing down a touch, pretty sincerely fascinated by this topic. Culture in general is wildly engrossing, but she has a particular passion for the heavy familial nature of mirthful society.

> She follows his lead, to a degree, crossing her arms and resting her weight unbalanced on one leg, hip cocked out just slightly to accommodate. Very laid-back. One foot taps, keeping time with the pace of her thoughts.

"And, I mean, I *assume* it's just purplebloods and not other colors that join the faith in your society, but it doesn't hurt to ask. Doctrines and ideologies tend to conceptually elude me, but I do so love to hear about them."

xxforsaken-angelxx "Just purplebloods, but it's not mandatory, no. Most of us end up here anyways, but there's plenty that don't. And..."

> There's a pause as he chews on his words a bit. He's had to explain something to this effect several times before, and every time it's a little different. A little closer to what someone who's Grand Highblood might say.

"We think that belief is the most important part of magic. The rituals you do and the entities you work with are just...methods. What makes it *work* is what you feel. And if you *know* that, then you can take your belief and apply it on purpose to somethin' workin' to your advantage. So we just... believe in doin' what personally works for you. Celebratin' what personally works for you. There's no reason you can't be cheery and also goth, or be some pastel fuck and also goth. We're only gonna question you if *you* don't think you're doin' it right. You have to believe you are. Genuinely."

chimericarchitect > Saness inclines her head, an inquisitive pinch to her brow. It's not fully intentional, but she keeps mentally checking in on the spectral presence surrounding Grinmaww, akin to curious little 'are you still there' pokes while he talks.

"That's what goth is? Celebrating the self?"

> Her expression smooths away and she straightens with a soft laugh.

"I mean, heh, wow." She waves a hand, gesturing over his whole him.

xxforsaken-angelxx "I have no idea what you're talking about," he says, playfully shaking his head.

> The angels are also very there. They're Always there. Or at least, some of them are. Sometimes there's more, sometimes there's less, but there's always *something*.

> They tend to poke back, too. It's fun having friends.

chimericarchitect > She shakes her head, still smiling.

"Alright, so, next question. I think I saw the answer before on tumblr maybe, but I don't remember it at the moment. Can you always sense your angels?"

> Yeah she came here with a purpose, but Saness has never been very business-oriented. She hasn't been here long enough for the recycled air to bother her, she's barely been here long enough to appreciate the fact that she's in space. Vacuums and stable pressurized ships aren't as easy to replicate, she's kind of lucky not to be experiencing some kind of reaction to the environment. The thought is starting to creep into her head, the idea that there could be so much more to see.

> Somewhere in the bowels of this contraption, Hydromatic dangles in some kind of torture stasis.

xxforsaken-angelxx > Somewhere, Hydromatic is at their station, filing through dozens of simultaneous requests and trying to scrape up the spare seconds to fantasize about their matesprit. Piers is somewhere as well, possibly finishing his shift.

> And the ship is just generally bustling with life. It was a massive place, filled with a town's worth of purplebloods. Each one had their own magic, their own loud style, their own gods...

"Pretty much always, yeah. Sometimes I get distracted, but they're always there."

chimericarchitect "Does it still get lonely sometimes, even if you're never alone? How old were you when you like, met them? And, um..."

> Saness glances toward the door and lets her continuation hang in the air for a moment, not quite stilling so much as slowing her idle animation. There's a lot to consider, all the mystery and intrigue just beyond, but she knows full well she'd never be allowed to pass through. Not in a thousand sweeps. What would she even do? Act like a lost tourist and get Grinmaww into trouble?

> She slides her focus back into the room, back onto her host and off of stray thoughts of the fantastical. Her hands go into her pockets and she gestures toward him with a shrug of her shoulder.

"Are the subjects of everyone else's devotion so present as yours? Can you sense or otherwise detect them yourself?"

xxforsaken-angelxx "I'm not the lonely type. But I met 'em when I was like...five-ish? Which is young, for us. I had more resources than most wrigs would've, an' I just...had a strong pull, I guess."

> A strong pull and a florid imagination. His eyes follow hers before he can get too wrapped up in thinking about his old hive life, though. If it were anybody else, he'd be glad to show her around the ship. There were constant visitors on the Hydromatic, so one more wouldn't be terribly out of place.

> As long as they were like, actual Imperial citizens with travel paperwork. And not of a blood color that didn't exist here. So unfortunately that wasn't happening, even if they both wished it would.

"...I don't think everybody's are. Kinda depends. But magic just has a vibe, I can feel that usually."

chimericarchitect > ...Huh. What if he's picking up magic vibes off of her? Wicked undid those... locks or whatever, and she did attend a single quarter of lessons at the magic college, even if she was pretty much fully incompetent with her abilities. She would think, 'nah, they're totally different things probably,' but here she is and she can sense his angels, so... maybe not? But maybe it's like, a warlock thing, rather than strictly a magic thing. She doesn't have a magic sugardaddy hovering around her twenty-four seven for him to detect. Or even like. Sugardaddy La Croix. Residual sugardaddy. Hint of having been near a sugardaddy that might have side-eyed her once.

"Well, the angels seem really pleasant and friendly, and if that says anything about you then, heh." Even with all of her training Saness's face is soft, tender cheeks squishing firm when she smiles. It doesn't stretch like Grinmaww's or Ringleader's. "How old do clowns normally take on a patron?"

xxforsaken-angelxx > The magic here *was* different from magic elsewhere, but mostly in how certain the clowns were of its mechanics. Magic was considered an action, a movement of energy. It wasn't something just sitting around in people willy nilly, in their minds. Without something actively magical lying around, there was nothing he was attuned to sense.

> His face softened a little at her compliment, and a small "Aww" slipped out before he could think it through.

"It uh, depends though. Six is when most people really start socializin' online, and that's a big factor for decidin' to participate in the faith. So seven-ish is the most common for gettin' serious with contactin' things, as far as I know."

chimericarchitect > A little 'o,' either of interest or surprise, anoints her.

"Did you meet them before you met any other clowns or joined the faith then?"

xxforsaken-angelxx > His eyebrows raise a little.

"Before I met any other clowns, yeah. But I was pretty set on being involved since I could read what I had about it."

chimericarchitect "Did I ask something strange? Sorry."

> Saness tries to play it cool, another pretty flash of a somewhat sheepish smile, but she is a weenie and the lift of Grinmaww's eyebrows causes her to fret a secret amount.

xxforsaken-angelxx > He tries to look reassuring. Or as reassuring as a much taller goth clown can.

"Nah. Just haven't had anybody ask that. Nobody really asks an heir how they started, y'know?"

chimericarchitect > It works, she's as easily reassured as she is unsettled. Intent is always WAY more important than appearances to little ol' Saness. She tilts her head, birdlike. Why *wouldn't* anyone ask?

"Well... How *did* you start?"

xxforsaken-angelxx > Eridan stews on that for a second, digging through his memories of his old swamp hive for the answer he was looking for. Then, when he found it, he very seriously said:

"Clown grubby books."

chimericarchitect > Her mouth opens, and then it closes. She considers this. Raises a finger. Opens her mouth again with the sound of an H turning to a W, then closes it again. A hum. The finger lowers.

xxforsaken-angelxx > He watches her flounder, and provides nothing. There's a smile in his eyes. Specifically a :o)

chimericarchitect > It ends with her giggling, one arm crossing her front to rub at the other. Her general demeanor has an air of vulnerability at the shift, gentle and earnest in both the way she speaks and the way she looks at him, smiling soft as a peach. Saness's eyes still gleam to an unnatural degree, the ever-present predator, but she's about as scary as a snail covered in dew drops.

"Sorry, that sounds really cute Grinmaww... Were they pop-up books? I hope you had a pop-up book, I have a little collection of those, I think they're very charming..."

xxforsaken-angelxx > He ends up laughing back at her, crossing his arms and actually smiling a little. She's so cute? She's so cute. Why does everything happen so much.

"Of course they were pop-up books. Like just one of 'em but what kinda church would we be if the grubby book wasn't a pop-up one. That'd be bullshit."

chimericarchitect > Her smile widens eagerly, the rubbing arm stopping in more the fashion of a half-formed self-hug.

"I wish I could read them. Obviously it inspired little you? You're here and all, and you seem happy to."

xxforsaken-angelxx "I sure am. Love this place, always have."

> He glances at one of his bookshelves in particular, scanning for a particular spot and then stammering.

"I uh- I still have the pop-up one. Like just a newer copy, lying around. You could, uh...I'd let you borrow it, for as long as you have the tubes, if you want. It's not like it has anything too secret."

chimericarchitect > Saness covers her mouth when she starts laughing this time, both hands. It lasts a good moment, eyes scrunched up with a fond sort of mirth once more. She's been charmed, how dare he. Like really, how dare he. This isn't the troll she made this trip to make friends with!

> And yet, she can't say she minds the direction this is going. Not one bit. What a good place this must be with leadership like this.

> She lowers her hands to rib-height, curled into loose and amicable fists.

"Really?" She pauses to nibble her lower lip, literally biting back another short string of giggles. "If you don't mind, I'd very much like that. Really."

xxforsaken-angelxx > Phththhghbhbhb, goes the clown. There's indignant hand waving and everything. He's trying to be NICE and she has the AUDACITY to like. Handle it in a playful friendly way. Rude.

"I don't mind at all, just lemme fuckin-"

> He strides over to the bookshelf in question, pulling out the thick little book from the spot it's been tucked away in, among serious magical tomes.

> The cover has a generic looking purpleblood wriggler, notably un-goth. They're curled up against a sheeplike lusus in a cool-toned forest scene, watching a glittery butterfly float overhead. A gold whimsical font proclaims that "Magic is Everywhere!"

> He shows her this for a second, then places it next to the other things she came here for.

chimericarchitect > Look at this guy. What a guy! A guy who keeps a copy of his wrigglerhood  pop-up book in his block! A guy that would lend it to a near-stranger with a smile! A guy that bends and breaks the rules to do whatever is best or most interesting! A guy that doesn't get annoyed when he makes other people laugh! A guy with a really impressive propeller hand dance!

"What, you aren't going to flip through it with me? Don't you want to take a trip down memory lane with your new friend~?"

> Saness flounces along in Grinmaww's wake, leaning around him to rappa-tap a dance of her claws on the cover before he can fully rid himself of the book. She no longer minds the increased density of his aura by proximity, having decided that yes, they are friends now. It's a mostly-sincere question carried on a teasing tone that leaves him room to turn her down without anything getting awkward; he can brush her off as playing or he can take her seriously and crack open the book, and neither answer would be wrong.

xxforsaken-angelxx > Her hands get lightly swatted away. Bap, bap bap. It's kind of fortunate that he has a boyfriend now and everything, otherwise he'd still be terribly unused to people just...approaching him.

"Look, if I'm gonna give this thing to my 'new friend~'," he says, mimicking her badly, "Then I want you to enjoy this the proper way, which is all curled up at hive or whatever. It's the cozy kind of wriggler book. Don't at me."

chimericarchitect > Saness accepts her defeat with wiggly fingers, politely stepping back out of the range of his personal space. She is a self-satisfied creature.

"Cozy wriggler book, you've got it."

> She stuffs her mitts back into her pockets (all better, no touchy) and resumes rocking from heel to toe, watching Grinmaww with interest.

"I have so many more questions for you, but like, I realize this wasn't supposed to be a social visit and you are a very busy troll." Gotta check in. Gotta give him an out.

xxforsaken-angelxx > He settles back into leaning up against his desk, all casual like. But clearly with his feathers playfully ruffled. If it weren't for the paint there'd probably be a bit of a blush...which Saness might can guess anyways, with how much time she spends with clowns.

"Nah, I don't mind. Once I'm off work it's not like there's anything I'm supposed to be doin'."

> That and he's really enjoying her company. But he can't just like, say those words out loud, right?

chimericarchitect > That's enough of an invitation for her! Beaming, Saness makes an invisible 'desk' out of her psi and leans back against it, copying him like the silliest roly-poly.

"Great! You're even cooler than I'd hoped, I like talking to you."

> Apparently she can just say whatever the fuck she wants, unabashed while in her element. A single clap!

"Tell me about your lusus!"

xxforsaken-angelxx > There's clear amusement in her parroting, but also...a lack of questioning how the fuck she's doing that. Miming is a pretty common skill around here, after all.

"A goat? But like, a fish goat. An angler fish goat. Real big fucker that'd go around the swamp eating basically anything."

> There was a bit of disdain in his voice. It's fairly obvious that he didn't have a *great* opinion of his goat figure.  

"Think I gotta pass that one back at you, though. What was your lusus like?"

chimericarchitect "Uh, well..."

> She would be more phased by having bonked so clumsily into the Makara-standard experience of bad wriggler-lusus relations, but Grinmaww just asked a bit of a tricky question. It's obvious that Saness has to really consider how to answer this; for a moment she even looks off to the side, brow pinched.

"I don't really remember my lusus. I had a guardian, and she was a troll."

> The "sort of" that follows is said lower. How does one smoothly segway into 'I have amnesia and also the troll that looked after me when I came-to was actually some kind of life-force golem'? The answer is, you don't. You just don't.

xxforsaken-angelxx > Obviously there's curiosity that arises from that 'sort of.' Like, sort of a troll or sort of a guardian? It's an easy follow-up, and one he doesn't take. Instead, he gives her a somewhat sympathetic look.  

"You don't gotta talk about it if you don't want to."

> It's said both sincerely and flatly. He's not effected by whatever emotions she has around the subject, but is okay with them. No judgement, but lots of instinctual professionalism.

chimericarchitect "R-right..."

> The flat tone doesn't feel like it fits with the sympathetic look. Saness does not thrive in professional or formal environments, and even the gentle stiffness is enough for her to trip and flounder over. What is she *supposed* to say? Is this one of those secret codeword things people do when they like someone and want to be polite, but don't actually want to hear what they have to say?

> And besides... *Does* she want to talk about it? It's reflex to say 'no she doesn't,' and that coupled with the above is enough to sway her decision.

"I don't believe I ever got around to asking. Are limebloods extinct in this timeline?"

xxforsaken-angelxx > He *would* be interested, but he's not... supposed to be. Being a boss has it's tolls, one of them happening to be that he has a firm habit of not prying too hard. Any piece of extra information is something that can trip up the works of Imperial bureaucracy.

> So she takes her out and he lets it be, moving on to answering her next question as if nothing happened.

"Yeah, they are. Though the real dock against you is the fact that you don't have paperwork for existin' here. Like, you could go all hemo-anon or whatever an not stand out, but not havin' a travel record would get you in trouble real quick."

chimericarchitect > She's quick to focus on this new topic, grasping at it a bit like a life raft. It was one little hiccup, everything is fiiiiine.

"Really? Travel record? ...I implanted an identity to assume on an Earth once so that I could open a bank account and a few other things, but like, I imagine something like that might be a bit more difficult in this timeline. Earth is just... Not very savvy. Then again, on a standard Alternia, there are LOTS of available identities to assume, trolls die super constantly on the ground..."

> Grim thoughts are grim, and Saness makes a face. This line of thought isn't pleasant, and she isn't neutral about it, no matter how plainly she likes to talk about it.

"Who even checks for those? Everyone I pass in the hall? Do you have to confirm your I.D. at every doorway?"

xxforsaken-angelxx > Eridan points up towards the ceiling and gestures around.

"Cameras. There aren't any in here, but they're pretty much everywhere else. Anyone out of place would get spotted immediately, an' then you'd get flagged down for some questions."

> There's an attempt to not make the word "questions" in that sound ominous. An attempt. But the eyes of the Hydromatic were in fact everywhere.

chimericarchitect "Oh, so the 'travel records' are digital, and Hydromatic can identify people and locate aforementioned records on the spot, and if something doesn't line up, then yadda yadda? Or do you mean, Hydromatic would send security after me or whoever else walked mysteriously out of a closet because they're just *that aware* of every single familiar face and *that aware* of who has gone where? Because, I've got-"

> Saness grabs for her wallet chain, pulling the end of it out of her back pocket. It's definitely still not attached to a wallet; it's attached to a retro sylladex!

"I've got..."

> Operating this thing is not efficient. She's still flipping through it... There's a reason technology moved on without this little pocket-lunk.

"I've got this amulet, it was a gift. A disguise amulet..."

> Fwip fwip fwip... She just wants to show him a neat trick, man... Why does this have to be so har-AHA!!

> With a declaration of triumph, she retrieves a very simple locket on a very simple chain, proudly holding it aloft and grinning mischief at Grinmaww.

xxforsaken-angelxx > He just...lets her. He's the one with an even more old-fashioned looking computer sitting behind him. But he has no idea what exactly a 'disguise amulet' implies. Like, it *feels* magic, but there's a lot of extents that thing could go to. Instead, he just answers her questions.

"It's like a facial recognition system, just with an actual pair of eyes as a step in the process. If you're authorized to be on board here, and also to be in whatever rooms you're goin' in, then everything's fine, mostly."

chimericarchitect > Saness nods along, but she only half-cares about the answer to her question. It's not like she's going to be skulking about on the ship.

"Okay, so, check this out. Do you have any printed photos? Small ones, or ones you don't mind being folded? Magazine cutouts count, it'd just be cooler if it's someone that you recognize from this timeline rather than whoever I have in my pocket."

xxforsaken-angelxx "Uh-"

> Now it's his turn to awkwardly fumble around for something. He turns to start going through his desk drawer, pushing around this and that. There was a lot in the damn things. A few pipes, art supplies, spare papers, weed...

> Eventually he found a photo tucked away amongst it all, and handed it over.

> It's a picture that was only able to print halfway for some reason or another, leaving only one person in the image. Said person is Nymede, the Hydromatic's lead IT specialist. She was in an open shoulder top and hot pants and fishnets, with big fuzzy legwarmers. Her face was half obscured by a gas mask, and she had bright purple and fuchsia hair extensions.

> She was...probably in the helmsblock, or near it, there was biowire visible behind her, but there was no sign of Hydromatic themselves.

chimericarchitect > Is it void nonsense? A lack of ink? Some sort of printer malfunction? A certain helm being fussy about their picture being taken and purposely botching the job? The world may never know, and further, the world is unconcerned. Saness accepts the photo and gleefully pops open the locket. There was already a photo inside - one of Saness that has been color-edited to have black hair and ordinary teal eyes - that she hastily replaces with the photo of this very Fashion(tm) clown person. She gives it a playful jostle once it's closed away.

"Now, hang on, this is the cool part-"

> The moment she slips the locket over her head, Saness is no longer standing in the room. Instead, in every physically perceivable way, Nymede has replaced her. Eeach visible detail is accurate to the picture, and Saness-as-Nymede gives a little twirl.

"Tadaaa...!"

> It doesn't alter her voice, unfortunately, and Saness still sounds like herself. She moves like herself too, despite whatever change in height there may be, fluffy legwarmers flouncing realistically to match.

xxforsaken-angelxx "Wow what the fuck."

> That was. Perhaps less enthused sounding than he intended, and he cracks up the second after that leaves his mouth.

"Man, what the *fuck*-"

>  It is perhaps somewhat alarming to see a perfect clone of your friend, even if you think it's fucking hilarious. Boy is it realistic, though. He saw Nymede just tonight, and he wouldn't have thought twice if she'd been able to mimic her voice. Scary, but incredibly impressive!

chimericarchitect "Isn't it neat? It's basically a hologram. The projection is magic and it has the most basic of shells to give an amount of resistance when touched, but if you pressed against it you would sink through until you touched me. When used to mimic smaller things, the parts that hang out turn completely invisible, but can still knock into things if you aren't careful."

> While she talks Saness is wafting Nymede's arm back and forth, looking it over herself. She has back some of the same energy she came in with, the excitable quickness to the way she carries her borrowed form bleeding into how quickly she talks.

> She pauses only a moment, snapping her attention from Nymede's arm to Grinmaww's face. There's more she wants to say and show him, but she's not the type to sprint on ahead without someone.

xxforsaken-angelxx > He's following along, mostly, the way someone tends to when they're fascinated by something they don't *really* understand. Holograms were a thing in common use here, hard light was something he understood in theory, using magic to create tech-like results was...imaginable, at least?

> Which amounted as far as it being conceivable, and him having no idea how the fuck something like that would actually be made. Miracles, man.

"Neat is a real fuckin' understatement for that."

chimericarchitect > She chuckles and goes to remove the locket, zooping back to her regular appearance with a sideways flicker as soon as the chain is off her neck.

"You can even disguise things as people, or people as things, or things as other things..."

> Saness looks around the room for an easy target that doesn't look like something personal or sensitive, something she could feasibly loop the chain around.

"...and you can keep the chain on the object you want to disguise while keeping the locket somewhere else, it will continue to function so long as neither are destroyed..."

xxforsaken-angelxx > There are, frankly, a lot of Things in this room, so there's a lot of potential targets. There's several large quartz samples of different colors that could easily have the locket wrapped around, or some of his jars of common herbs like rosemary and thyme. Or for something even safer looking, she could nab a big black candle.

> That last part is what really surprised him, though. The parts could work separately? The locket didn't have to be on the chain? It wasn't just the locket that did the thing? How the FUCK did this thing WORK?

chimericarchitect > Badda-boom, she slips the locket off of the chain and wraps the pretty metal in a loose cascade over an unsuspecting candle. Nymede appears where it was, but nearly completely physically static. If the candle was lit, she'll be wobbling her head around in a way that could be considered eerie, mimicking the flames with the limitations of hair and a neck.

> What's more, a candle is much smaller than a person, and... the projection seems to shiver and warp a lot like it is strained, glitching in a way that Nymede *definitely should not be moving* in. Saness seems to find these wild distortions and unnatural behaviors to be entirely hilarious, pointing up at her and giving the whole thing a very good laugh.

xxforsaken-angelxx > It was not lit, just sitting around waiting for use. But that only mitigated the weirdness of this somewhat. Like, here was one of his best friends, in lifelike form, magically superimposed over a candle when she really shouldn't be. The whole thing wibbled around with the uncanniness of a wax figure and the function of spaghetti code.  

> He also thought it was fucking hilarious, and laughed with her.

chimericarchitect > They'll likely spend a moment in shared laughter before Saness reaches into the illusion to fumble around and remove the chain. As before, Nymede stretches sideways and zlorps out of existence.

> Saness is still a bit breathy with laughter when she speaks.

"See, that's... I can be anyone, or anything, except maybe - pppbb - a candle, or a spoon, haha!"

xxforsaken-angelxx "That's fuckin' mindbogglin' to me. But impressive as long as you're not tryin' to dodge the guards with bobblehead candle clowns."

> He shakes his head, still giggling a bit. What a time to be alive and in charge of this joint.  

"I've been doin' magic for a long ass time an' I've never gotten to see shit like that.

chimericarchitect > A bit more laughter and apparently show-and-tell is over, because Saness is putting her magic tool back into her sylladex - but she courteously remembers to take out the picture and offer it back toward Grinmaww on an open palm.

"The multiverse is a vast place and... I guess I've seen a lot of things!"

> Actually, it was talking to Pierce before that really put it into perspective. She's a veteran of mystery...

xxforsaken-angelxx > The picture gets placed back roughly where it was before, in one of his desk drawers. Possibly not even the same desk drawer? There are only so many things that can be in his goth mind at one time.

"Guess so," he says. "And guess I haven't seen much at all."

> Which was solely exciting to him, really. There was nothing he loved more than learning about the way everything flowed along in the universe. All a vast *multi*verse meant was he never had to stop.

chimericarchitect > Prrp! Saness proceeds to brush herself down for reasons unknown, satisfied with his response. There is a threshold here that needs to be respected, and unlike some of her friends, she's going to try and reel it in before crossing it.

"There are a lot of things I could show you, but I think maybe that's enough for a first meeting. I may not be the most vibrant or interesting tour guide, but I am a willing and attentive one!"

xxforsaken-angelxx > There's a small scoff at that second part, immediately.

"You're plenty vibrant. I do think we're good on the touring for now though, yeah."

> His hand creeps a little towards the collection of things he's supposed to be passing along to her. It's that business instinct again.

chimericarchitect > That was? A compliment? Yeah, no, it's cool. It's COOL. She sure hopes it's a compliment and not some sign that she overwhelmed him though, but if it is then man, it sure does sound like Grinmaww is completely clueless, he should meet her friends, *they're* the vibrant ones... And probably also very literally insane.

> She doesn't fuss when he moves them toward the end of their visit, quirky in her lopsided-smile sort of way. Saness rocks on her toes with her hands jammed deep into her pockets. She'll wait politely for him to gather himself up and bring this meeting to a close; it is his place, after all. Grinmaww is the floor master.

xxforsaken-angelxx > The look he gives her seems to support the compliment theory... But a moment later he's distracted. No objection, time to give her the things. The picture book first, and then the two psychic tube-y things. They're neatly labeled with label machine stickers, one from Pierce and one from Grinmaww.

> They actually came out pretty distinct looking. Both of the glow bits are lit a similar shade of purple, but Grinmaww's is...actually a good bit fainter. He's never really had any other chances to compare himself, though, so it doesn't even strike him as odd. Pierce is just good at shit like this, obviously.

chimericarchitect > Her hands are freed from her pockets! In order! To accept a darling pop-up book! And the actual tools she came for!

"Thanks so much for being such a good sport. I'll get the bracers and your cozy grubby book back to you as soon as I've finished!"

> They disappear from her palms, slorped up by her sylladex like so much loose spaghetti.

"It will take me a little longer than normal to complete these though, as I'm uh, a little bit preoccupied back at hive."

xxforsaken-angelxx > He shrugs, and...smiles just a little. Why must she be so goddamn pleasant all the time always.

"That's fine. Ain't like there's any rush anyways. Just get 'em back when you can."

> There's a moment of realization on his face when he remembers that she's just going to like...zap out of herself out of here. And not use a door. Which means that normal farewell dialogue cues weren't going to happen.

"It was uh, real nice seein' you an' all man."

chimericarchitect > Saness wouldn't know a normal dialogue cue if it bit her full on the bulge, farewell or otherwise.

"Somenight we'll have to figure out how to swap tours for realsies!"

> Rather than saying goodbye or returning the compliment like a civilized or well-adjusted troll, she gives her new friend a big smile and an even bigger dwarpy salute, turning on her heel for dramatic effect as the crackly light consumes her once more.

> Just like that, she is gone.

[yogaadvise]

How Does Karma Affect Your Life?

Unless you are an extremely evolved, enlightened being, Karma impacts your life in every way, as a matter of fact, your life is the consistent unfolding of Karma!

The Karmic Software

Karma means action. Physics reveals that for every single activity, there need to be an equal and contrary reaction. Karma is energy, which in itself is neither excellent nor negative, these are just the labels individuals select to connect to it. The power developed by an action has actually to be returned: "As yea plant so shall yea reap." It can not be avoided.

When you carry out an activity, it produces a memory, which in turn produces a desire, which leads you to execute an additional action. : You take your initial yoga class (activity), then you understand what occurs in a yoga class (memory), and also if you delighted in the course, you determine to go back the following week (desire), and that following week you transform up once more with your floor covering (action). Karma develops memories and wishes, which after that identify just how you live. Activities, memories, as well as wishes are the Karmic software that run your life.

The refined energy produced by your actions is saved within your memories as well as wishes as well as is activated-- in some cases right away, but more frequently at some future time. To use the earlier example, you took the yoga class and also after that forgot it up until months later when you're going through community and also see a yoga studio. You remember your previous experience, which causes the wish to take another class.

The Vedantic View

It's not essential to rely on reincarnation to understand Karma but, from the Vedantic point of view, you have actually lived for lots of previous lives and also the scenarios as well as scenarios of your current life are the result of the activities performed throughout all lives. Counting on Fate as well as reincarnation makes it simpler to comprehend why poor points take place to excellent people or why a young innocent child develops a deadly illness. Vedanta would certainly say that every little thing in your life is the result of the power created by activities in previous births. Every circumstance that happens to you and also everyone you satisfy has a Karmic importance. Every little thing occurs for a reason.

Whatever your belief, Fate implies that you have created as well as proceed to develop your life. Do you have complimentary will? Sadly, lots of people have really little. Lots of individuals allow themselves to remain imprisoned in that Karmic software program, conditioned by their memories as well as needs, performing the very same routines over and over and also questioning why their lives aren't taking them anywhere. Lots of resemble the hamster, running on its treadwheel, assuming it's getting someplace while in fact it's just going round as well as round!

However, as you grow as well as progress mentally, you can damage out of those cycles as well as purposely choose the life you intend to lead. The Karmic curse triggers you to neglect who you really are, so your spiritual course entails launching the Karma that is clouding your recognition, enabling you to bear in mind that you truly are. Of program, releasing Fate doesn't mean you lose all your memories and wishes, it indicates you shed your attachment to them and also are no much longer held under their influence. As the fantastic seer Adi Shankara claimed, "I utilize memories yet I don't permit them to utilize me."

Gathering and Storing Karma

In addition to the Fate developed from your own actions, you go through the Karmic impacts of your family members, religion, race, race, and also a lot more. Every scenario you encounter in life is the outcome of some Karma. You regularly produce Karma from your activities, thoughts, words, from the activities of others under your control, from your attitudes, expectations, and also way of living. You develop Fate from the intended actions you do consciously and likewise from actions done unconsciously from ignorance. It is also feasible to take on somebody else's Fate, which usually isn't an excellent concept, because you have enough of your own. This can happen from taking one more's personal belongings, gossiping, or daydreaming. It additionally takes place in intimate relationships, however as long as the connection is based in love, this is an appropriate part of a bonding exchange. Keep in mind, the partnership itself is the outcome of Fate, and Vedanta says the objective of every relationship ought to be knowledge.

Vedanta claims that all your Karma is kept in the Jiva, the private heart, or the element of the soul conditioned by Fate. Vedanta defines 3 kinds of Fate: that which you have actually chosen to process during this certain birth, that which is kept for later births, and the new Karma you generate every moment of your existence. Chakras store the Karma for this life time. Chakras are your subtle energy facilities whereby consciousness changes into issue. Fate distorts that circulation of consciousness, causing you to experience an imaginary world. Clearing Karma assists you to get out of the illusion.

Releasing Your Karma

Karma can not be avoided. For many people, Karmic power is returned with the very same intensity with which it was generated. Depending on your previous actions, this might produce joy or suffering. Whatever occurs, is the outcome of Karma being released, which, despite how you see the circumstance, is an advantage and also a possibility for future growth. Vedanta say, "Nothing happens to you, it occurs for you!"

Are you then destined a life of paying for previous mistakes, interspersed by a few moments of enjoyment? Not necessarily. By the top quality of your existing actions, Karma can be changed, transmuted into a various kind, or gone beyond completely. Right here are eight techniques that can aid you increase the high quality of your actions.

1. Make Conscious Choices

The choices you make influence your Fate in 2 means. Making quality selections can soften the strength or size of situations arising from returning Fate. The power of the Fate has actually to be returned, yet it can be translated. Rather of falling down and also breaking your leg, perhaps you just stub a toe. The Karma was returned however the high quality of your life choices lessened its effect.

Your selections additionally establish the high quality of brand-new Karma being developed as well as stored to be launched as future events in your life. It is necessary, for that reason, to be conscious of the choices you are making as well as ask yourself: Do these choices serve me and those that may be impacted by them? Are my choices coming from my heart and greater self or my ego?

2. Forgive

This a crucial facet of your spiritual development. Initially, approve that what has actually occurred has occurred. See if you can, without judgment or examination, understand why it took place. Attempt to forgive whoever you feel may have hurt you, it's constantly feasible to forgive the individual even if you can not forgive the act. From the Vedantic point of view, every hurt you run into is the return of some Karma. If the mail carrier fills your mail box with expenses, do not spend the entire day hating the postman. Forgive as well as relocate forward!

3. Cultivate Gratitude

Forgiveness is difficult for many people, and also gratefulness can additionally be challenging. If you believe that every little thing that happens to you is past Karma being released, after that each time you launch Fate, it is gone. Isn't that cause for celebration? Attempt to be happy for every little thing in your life.

4. Search For Growth Opportunities

Any tough circumstance gives you 2 options. You can see the situation as a trouble and lose your life whining about it, or you can recognize that it happened and ask, "Exactly how can I learn as well as expand from this?"

If you see it as an issue, you can obtain attracted into lower energy, which recreates the very same Karmic power, and you make no progression. Searching for development possibilities allows you to launch the Fate and stay free to continue on your spiritual journey.

5. Learn from Astrology

An astrological graph provides a picture of your Karmic chances. A qualified astrologer can interpret your chart and also offer you advice concerning the possible impacts Karma will certainly play in various locations and at different times of your life. Maharishi Mahesh Yogi, a spiritual educator, utilized to say, "Every little thing is established yet everything can be altered." Astrology gives you the insight to make the required adjustments. As the Yoga Sutras state, "Prevent the threat which has actually not yet come."

6. Find an Enlightened Teacher

If you are privileged (or your Karma determines you) to fulfill an enlightened teacher, he or she might be able to "see" your Karmic patterns and recommend you accordingly. An enlightened individual could tackle some of your Fate, however this would certainly be with an unique relationship created over numerous years.

7. Discover Your Dharma

Vedanta states that if you comprehend Dharma and Fate, you will recognize every little thing. Dharma is generally specified as function or fact. When you locate your real objective in life as well as stay in total alignment with that, your actions will certainly become spontaneously proper and you will certainly never ever create Karma.

8. Meditate

The most powerful tool you have on your spiritual path is meditation, especially a practice that includes concepts. Reflection is a journey from task into silence. In Primordial Sound Meditation, mantras or audios are made use of without certain significance. The definition of an idea holds the memory as well as need as well as thus the Fate. A concept with no meaning has no Fate. When you believe your mantra in reflection, you are taken beyond the variety of Karma, you go beyond all memories as well as desires as well as slide into the area of unlimited possibilities.

With regular technique, you begin to live from that degree of limitless possibilities rather than the minimal possibilities created by Fate. Meditation realigns you with your true self, leads you back to your real objective (Dharma) and permits you to "wash" away Karma on all levels.

Commitment to your spiritual path is the vital to running away from the Karmic prison you have produced on your own-- and to enjoy boundless freedom in every moment.

[numba99]

The Arrangement Part 5

Part 1  Part 2 Part 3  Part 4

Summary: You’re an aspiring model in NYC who is offered an opportunity of a lifetime - an arranged relationship with a famous Ranger. Things start out rough and are further complicated by the fact that you’re already in a relationship. Will you be able to figure thing out or will it all end in disaster? Word count:2,502

Warnings: light smut, physical altercation 

The morning sun flooded the room, warming every inch of skin it hit. Your eyes fluttered open, finding two hazel ones staring dreamily at you. You smiled as the events of last night came back to you.

“Morning. love,” Mika greeted you softly, his voice thick with grogginess.

“Morning,” you replied, stretching lightly, “Enjoying the view?”

“Yes actually,” he smiled, “You’re quite beautiful when you sleep.” You blushed, turning into his bare chest. “And when you’re shy.”

“You’re cute when you’re complimenting me,” you joked, pressing his skin.

“Am I cute when I’m hungry? Because I’m starving,” Mika replied.

“Definitely still cute,” you confirmed, “Some food sounds really good right about now.”

“You like pancakes?” Mika asked, gently petting the top of your head.

“Who doesn’t?”

“Fair enough,” he laughed, getting up from bed. You admired his bare frame as he walked away. How was it that every single part of him was so beautiful? He slipped on a pair of boxers and a sweater, smirking when he caught you staring. “You rest here babe, I’ll bring you food when it’s ready,” Mika told you.

You laid in bed alone for a little while, savoring how peaceful you felt. However, you quickly started to miss Mika. The bed grew cold without him there, and you craved the warmth only he could provide. You pulled on a pair of underwear and the yellow sweater he was supposed to give you yesterday and then joined him in the kitchen. You snuck up behind him, wrapping your arms around his waist.

“Sorry, I couldn’t stay away,” you admitted, kissing his back.

“S’alright,” Mika replied, flipping a pancake, “I was getting a little lonely honestly.” You released him from your embrace, giving him room to flip the pancakes. You hopped up on the counter across from him, enjoying the view.

Mika turned around, faking an offended face. “You stole my look.”

“Right, because you invented the sweater underwear look,” you rolled your eyes.

Mika chuckled, “The most annoying part is you look better in that sweater than I do.” He walked over to you, sliding himself between your legs at the edge of the counter.

“Well I wouldn’t go that far,” you replied, wrapping you legs around him to pull him closer.

“If I wasn’t so hungry, I fuck you right here on the counter,” Mika purred, pressing a kiss to your neck.

“If I wasn’t so hungry, I’d let you,” you replied, pulling his face up to yours and nipping his bottom lip. “Um I think something is burning,” you said, seeing smoke over his shoulder.

“Shit,” Mika laughed, pulling himself away from you. He yanked the pan off the stove and tossed the blackened pancake into the garbage. Mika made a couple more pancakes before deciding it was enough for the two of you (although it looked like enough for a small army to you). He got out a plate for each of you and carried the towering stack of pancakes to the table on the porch outside.

The two of you ate more than your fair share of pancakes, surrounded by crisp, clear air. Once you were both stuffed, Mika nodded towards the jacuzzi. “Want to try that out?”

“Only if you don’t judge my food baby,” you joked rubbing your stomach.

“I would never,” he laughed, gathering up the empty plates. You returned to your respective rooms to change into bathing suits. You dug through your suitcase, glad you tossed in a swimsuit at the last minute. You pulled on your little red bikini, checking to make sure you looked good, before heading back out to the porch.

You found Mika fiddling with the knobs wearing none other than a red bathing suit. “Well would you look who’s the copy cat now,” you said. Mika whipped around, laughing as he saw you two wore the same color.

“I guess it was just meant to be,” He smiled, he pressed a button, making the entire tub bubble. Mika clapped, “Got it!” He extended his hand, helping you step into the warm tub. Mika settled in next to you, draping his arm over your shoulders.

“You think there are people out there taking our picture right now?” you asked, resting your head on his shoulder.

“Probably,” Mika sighed. You looked deep into the trees, trying to find any sign of life. You didn’t see anyone, yet you still felt like you were being watched.

“So weird,” you mumbled, shaking your head.

“Maybe we should give them a show?” Mika suggested with a cheeky smile. You were about to ask what he meant when his hand snaked down you boy, toying with the strings of your bikini.

“Mika!” you gasped, slapping his chest.

“What?” he smirked, “It’s underwater, they’ll never see.” He pulled on the string, causing your bottom to fall away. He gently rubbed over your center, making you squirm. “It’s kind of hot, no? The danger of getting caught at any moment,” he purred. You had to admit it, it was pretty freaking hot. You feel that familiar pleasurable ache of arousal already.

“If I have to risk it so do you,” you replied, reach your hand down, surprised to find his bathing suit was already down.

“Mine been off since we got in here, babe,” Mika smirked proudly.

“You were planning to do this, weren’t you?” you asked, laughing.

“You caught me,” Mika mused, slipping a finger into you making your mouth fall open. “Care now, love, gotta keep a straight face or they’ll know.” You snapped your mouth shut and nodded, definitely not wanting to get caught.

Mika pumped his finger, making the water pulsate around you. The new stimulation was making your pleasure build at faster rate. Before you got too caught up in your own pleasure, you wanted to give Mika a taste of his own medicine.

You wrapped your hand around his hard base sliding up and down his length. The drag from the water made it hard for you to move too fast, but Mika seemed to like the new sensation as much as you. His jaw tightened, trying as hard as possible to keep a straight face.

Mika moved his fingers to your clit, rubbing circles over the already sensitive area. You felt your orgasm mounting fast and you knew you wouldn’t be able to contain yourself. Just as your high hit, you slid underwater to conceal your face. Being submerged cut off all your other sense, making the pleasure you felt so much more intense.

When you finished, you came up gasping for air making Mika laugh. “Shut up,” you laughed, splashing him with water. It was time for him to know how it felt. Your tightened your grip on him making him hiss. You moved as quickly as the water allowed, building up his pleasure. You rubbed your thumb over his tip, making his hips twitch. Just as he was going to release, he grabbed your face, kissing you deeply to hide his orgasm.

You returned his kiss, happily finishing him off. Suddenly, it hit you that you weren’t supposed to be kissing in public. You jumped back, afraid it was already too late. “Shit, Mika, we aren’t supposed to kiss where our picture could be taken,” you said.

“Fuck the rules,” Mika replied, taking your face in his and kissing you again. This time you didn’t pull away. Maybe there would be repercussions, but you didn’t care. You wanted Mika and that was all that mattered.

When you finally pulled away you smiled, nuzzling against Mika’s shoulder. “Is it wrong that I don’t want to leave?” you asked, tracing random shapes over his skin.

Mika shook his head. “I would stay right here forever if I could.” The two of you stayed like that for awhile, just enjoying each others company. Eventually you returned inside, where the same activities ensued just under a blanket instead of in water.

Sunday came too soon. You found yourself packing up your stuff with a frown on your face. “S’alright love,” Mika whispered, wrapping his arms around your waist, “It’s not over for us.”

Fred pulled up right on time, helping you with your stuff. “Did you two kids have a nice weekend?” he asked as you and Mika settled into the back seat. The two of you exchanged a knowing smile.

“You could say that,” he replied. Fred smiled and pulled off as Mika wrapped his arm around you. You rested your head on his shoulder, trying to bite back tears. You don’t know why you suddenly became so sad. You felt like you were leaving behind your happiness. It was so simple in that cabin. Just you and Mika, nothing else mattered. But now you were returning to a world of rules, regulations, complications and… Eirc.

Shit Eric, you thought. As shitty as it sounds, you completely forgot about him this weekend. How the hell were you going to navigate this? You’ve been lying to him for weeks and now you’ve actually cheated on him. You felt like the worlds biggest asshole.

The decision between Mika and Eric should be easy, yet it wasn’t. Sure, Mika was amazing, but there was so much that came with being with him. You weren’t even sure if you were legally allowed to date him after all that paperwork you signed. And even if you were, all that media attention all time would be a lot. Eric, well, he at the very least was familiar. You were torn between what was easy and what you knew, and was amazing, but not certain.

“Here,” Fred announced as he pulled up to your apartment.

“Is everything alright?” Mika asked, noticing you were a little off.

“Yeah, just tired,” you lied. Mika nodded, giving you a kiss on the cheek before you exited the car. You grabbed your bags from the trunk, telling Fred you were okay to carry them up on your own.

When you swung open your door, furrowing your brows when you saw the light was on. You could have sworn turned it off before you left…unless…

“Welcome back,” Eric deadpanned from the living room, crumbled roses in his hand.

“Eric… I wasn’t expecting you here,” you said nervously. The TV was on and your heart sunk as you realized the photo of you and Mika kissing was on the screen. You also realized there were some beer cans laying around. Your eyes, darted back to Eric afraid of what he may do.

“You fucking lying bitch,” he spat, “I came here to welcome you back with flowers and this? This is what I fucking see! How could you fucking doing this to me?”

“I can explain, I swear!” you exclaimed, desperate to defuse the situation.

“Really? You’ve been saying that a lot these days, but it’s bull shit,” his words slurred slightly as he yelled at you.

“It’s a publicity relationship!” you admitted despite your better judgement. Eric looked at you confused. There was no going back now, so you explained, “I signed something that said I would go on fake dates with him a couple times. It was supposed to just get my name out there and boost my chances of getting bigger jobs.”

“Why the fuck didn’t you tell me? You just lied this entire time,” Eric questioned.

“I signed all this paperwork. They could sue me for everything I have if I tell anyone, including you,” you replied, “I’m sorry Eric, I- I know I should have told you but I was scared I would lose everything. I thought maybe my name would never get out and this would all go away, but I fucked up I’m sorry.”

“So- so this was fake? You never did anything with him?” Eric asked. Your mind flashed to Mika on top of you, sharing an intimate moment. You could lie, he’d never know, but you knew you had to come clean.

You took a deep breath. “I-I slept with him.”

“What!” Eric screamed.

“Hey, y/n, you left this in the - oh shit,” Mika walked through the door to your apartment, holding a hat of yours in his hand. He paused, looking at you wide eyed as he realized he just intruded on a fight.

“You piece of shit!” Eric screamed lunging at Mika. He manged to punch Mika in the face, though it didn’t seem to bother Mika too much. Hockey players are used that you supposed. You jumped up, trying to stop Eric, but he turned his anger on you. “You fucking lying slut!” He pushed you down with all his might, making you fall and hit your head on the coffee table. He went to go after you again, but Mika grabbed him, punching him so hard he fell to the floor. Some blood trickled from a cut on his cheek where one of Mika’s rings had hit him.

Mika rushed to your side. “Y/n are you okay? Are you bleeding?” He anxious checked your head for any sign of injury.

“I’m okay,” you insisted sitting up, though tears were stinging your eyes as you realized your world was falling apart.

Eric got up and spat, “Fuck both of you.” He rushed out the door, slamming it behind him.

“Come on, let me help you up,” Mika said grabbing your arm.

“I’m fine, just get off of me,” you snapped, yanking your arm away from him. So much was swirling around inside you right now. You had difficulty placing all the emotions, so it just came out as anger.

“Y/n, is everything alright?” Eric asked.

“Seriously? My boyfriend just found out I cheated on him and pushed me and you’re asking if I’m alright?” you asked.

“I- I don’t understand,” Mika stumbled, dumbfounded.

“Of course you don’t! Before you came into my life, everything was fine! My life was normal, but then you come along and everything got fucked up!” you yelled. Mika’s face cracked, pain evident in his normally sweet features.

“So it’s my fault Eric is a total asshole to you? Last time I checked you decided to sleep with me,” Mika fired back.

“You took advantage of me. You knew I was upset about Eric was vulnerable,” you shot back. You didn’t even know what you were saying, yet you couldn’t stop yourself. Your emotions were in overdrive, completely fucking up for sense.

“Is that really what you think of me?” Mika asked. You stared back it him unable to reply. You knew Mika wouldn’t do that, yet couldn’t bring yourself to speak. “I’ll take that as my answer,” Mika muttered when you didn’t answer, “Take some fucking accountability for once in your life. Thinking you were different was a fucking mistake, I can’t wait until I never have to see you again.” With that he left, slamming the door behind him.

Once you were alone you collapsed to the floor. Tears flooded your face as you felt your world falling apart.

[anomiezine-blog]

The Cult of the Proletariat

“Because the horror of Communism, Stalinism, is not that bad people do bad things — they always do. It’s that good people do horrible things thinking they are doing something great.”

-Slavoj Zizek

‘But as in all cults, what’s central to the Communist Party is the belief system and the elimination of nuance. From there you’re very slowly led down the road to fanaticism and mass murder.’

– Alexei Sayle

I have found a way to tell apart Leninists (otherwise known as Communists or Bolsheviks in the common parlance) from what you might call the reasonable left. It is not the outfits, stained by take-away and Tippex, or their odour, because deodorant is a bourgeois affectation. Instead it is their answer to one rather simple question: ‘Do you trust people to make their own decisions?” I have never met a Leninist that didn’t say No. An addendum to that might be the question: “If you could have your revolution but it would make people poorer and less free, at least in the short term, would you still want it?” Once again I have never met one that didn’t answer in the affirmative. It is the same toxic combination of misanthrope and fanaticism that you can now see in Brexiteers in Britain, and amongst Fascists the world over. It is the belief that you and your tribe alone have received the revealed truth from on-high, and however you see fit to make that a reality is acceptable. It is the language of a cult.

It’s a word that is thrown around a lot and there are even multiple competing definitions, but it is essential to understand what a cult is if we are to understand the toxicity at the heart of Leninist parties of the past and present. What are the obvious signs of a cult? In my opinion, there are 10 unequivocal signs:

1. A small group of people united by a Utopian ideology (or religion) who stand outside normal society.

2. A dominant leader/s that hold complete power over the lives of its members.

3. An all-or-nothing worldview. “Either the Revolution comes or the world will end.”

4. A cadre or administrative class that directs the majority of members.

5. Gaslighting. The changing of facts and reality to suit the party.

6. Mental, physical or sexual abuses (see the SWP in the UK)

7. The policing of language, opinions and the effective creation of secular blasphemy.

8. The welding of the social and the political. The party becomes your only community, sometimes to the detriment to your family and older friends.

9. Those that leave the party become apostates and are to be shunned and demonised.

10. A uniform. In this case conformity of clothing is encouraged through bullying and mocking rather than an order from above.

It is hard to explain to those that have not experienced life in a cult why anyone would willingly join such a toxic entity. Left wing cults, like all cults, don’t look toxic from the outside. In fact, when you first join you are often showered with not only attention, but with a sense of purpose. You feel that finally you are with people that see the problems of the world as you do and are motivated by high ideals of humanism and solidarity. This is described by some psychologists as the lovebombing stage. It is a very powerful indoctrinating tool and often keeps individuals attached to the party long after the toxic nature of the party has become apparent.

In this I can at least speak from personal experience. I was a member of a Trotskyist party, that shall go unnamed, in my youth and I got a firsthand experience of cult tendencies within the left. All the cliches were there; the lovebombing; the close social circle; shadowy General Secretary; the strict hierarchy; the self-censorship of speech; the pandering to party leaders; the Gaslighting; the blasphemy; and the apostates. I have done a large amount of study of what are known as cluster B personality disorders (anti-social, narcissistic and Borderline) since, to try and understand what had happened to me, and I can attest to the presence of these toxic behaviours within all levels of the party structure. I am not the first to notice the cult tendencies within Leninist parties, in fact a cursory google search will present you with ample evidence of how commented upon this is. It really is one of the worst kept secrets on the left. Yet, these parties still persist and in the case of Ireland are the only real alternative to the parties of the Landlord class. As an Anarchist with a sense of history and responsibility this is exceedingly worrying.

This is not to suggest that Anarchist groups can’t become cult like. I spent time in a certain British anarchist group, that again shall not be named. In many ways it functioned along similar lines to the Leninist party I had formerly been part of . While there was a rotating leadership role, the same small group of people swapped the officer positions, and there was the same narrow mindedness to new ideas. Thankfully there is a great deal more individualism amongst Anarchists and this small toxic group were eventually expelled from the organisation. To some extent cult behaviour is a human failing. The legitimate and noble desire to make the world a better place can easily be perverted by disordered people for their own pleasures. You can see this in countless churches, sects, and organisations of every hue. In the case of political groupings, at least, anarchism has an answer and it is in our very DNA. A distrust of authority. Leninists parties can never be reformed from within given their very inspiration was taken from the mind of an authoritarian cult leader, Vladimir Lenin.

If you have the time or inclination to read about the father of 20th century Communism, you will learn many things, none particularly endearing, whether it be his: accepting German Imperial help in 1917; crushing the Soviets, snuffing out workers’ democracy; the invasion of Poland in 1920; the founding of the vile gulags; the rejection of a democratic vote in 1917 that the Bolsheviks lost; the creation of the brutal Checka, etc. The figures vary, but Lenin’s Red Terror is believed to have killed anywhere between 100,000 and 1.3 million people. The fanatic view of the Lenin towards any challenge to the new regime was published within the organs of the party: ‘anyone who dares to spread the slightest rumor against the Soviet regime will be arrested immediately and sent to concentration camp”. By 1921 70,000 were imprisoned in the brutal gulag system. The authoritarian and genocidal views of the Leninists were apparent quite early with Grigory Zinoviev declaring in 1917: ‘To overcome our enemies we must have our own socialist militarism. We must carry along with us 90 million out of the 100 million of Soviet Russia’s population. As for the rest, we have nothing to say to them. They must be annihilated”. The fact that so many within the left still celebrate this man is stunning to behold, but then again he had the good fortune to die before the experiment of Leninism reached its apex under his protege Stalin. He would order the deaths of tens of millions of his own people, whether through the repression of the secret police or through man made famines, and after World War II enslave the population of Eastern Europe for half a century. And yet, the failure of the Left to ever really exorcise the ghost of the USSR and Leninism is one of our greatest failings. The supposed unique evil of Josef Stalin is a lazy way to avoid the truth, that the Bolsheviks were totalitarians in their very DNA, due to the teachings of Lenin. The USSR was in its origins a cult of Leninism extended to the entire Russian Empire. The Left need to except that the USSR is ours to own much like the right must accept Fascism as the logical extension of their own ideology. There is little to salvage in this experiment and the left should have long ago acknowledged Leninism as the twin evil of Fascism in the 20th Century. Unfortunately, it has not and we are left in a situation where anarchism remains at the fringes and the Leninist parties remain the only likely alternative to what must soon follow another violent collapse of Capitalism.

Any reasonable look at the enormous debt bubble forming around the world can not help, but lead you to the conclusion that a major global depression is looming. The conservative estimate is that there is 420 trillion dollars of debt worldwide. In Ireland we are one of the most indebted countries in the western world. Our debt to GDP ratio is 170% of GDP with some estimates as high as 210% of GDP. Each Irish citizen owes 42,000 Euro of debt. We will never be able to pay that off. This global debt can be combined with the huge wealth now centred in the hands of a very small cabal of oligarchs. Less than 100 persons now own over half the wealth of the entire globe. A vampiric ruling class long ago tore up the post-war social democratic settlement and could give a shit about the long term cost of their greed. As a result, the middle class’s spending power has shrunk to a fraction of what it once was. (Economics 101: the middle class buy the products of the ruling elite. If they have no money, and cannot borrow anymore, a crisis of capitalism ensues. It is that simple!) This makes a major depression almost inevitable, with some recent estimates saying it will arrive by as early as 2021. A collapse of capitalism will in rather short order unleash not only the demons of Fascism, but also the demons of Leninism. If, as I fear is likely, we are in the midst of another era of capitalist crisis similar to the 1920s and 30s, the corrupt parties of the centre across Europe will fall, and the masses will look for answers and alternatives to croney capitalism. At the moment the working class is bearing the brunt of neoliberalism and are looking to Trump, Brexit and the European Fascist right, the Orban’s and Le Pen’s. In the future there is no reason to suppose that some of remaining middle class will not make the same choice. In such a situation, it will seem wise to align ourselves with the Leninists in hopes of preventing another epoch of Fascist authoritarianism, but I would ask all anarchists to consider the old Bakunin quote: ‘When the people are being beaten with a stick, they are not much happier if it is called the People’s Stick’. We have been here before and we know what the Leninists will do if they get a whiff of power, therefore ‘What is to be done?’

Well, surprise, surprise, I recommend anarchism, but not in its current form. These days anarchists are a scattered and clicky sect within the left, rightly mocked for both the black block and its disinterested hipster membership alike. We must accept some of the blame for failing to take advantage of the post-Leninist era of the 90s-today. There were even some signs of anarchist ideas permeating the general left in the Seattle demonstrations of 1999, the occupy movement of 2011, the Arab Spring, and the yellow jackets, but these were to come to nothing. Clearly we have not learned from our own mistakes of the 20th century. Here I will perhaps lose some of my audience when I say that our principles held us back in the past. We were firm believers that ‘the Great is not enemy of the Good’. That ‘pragmatism was defeatism’. We, too, believed in an ‘all or nothing revolution’. Either it was complete eradication of the state and class system or it was not worth fighting for. This did us no favours in the past and it will do us little favours in the future. The world is not as we hope it to be, but rather as it is. Who will our allies be in the times to come? Unless we want to repeat our ancestors mistakes in Russia and Spain, it can’t be the Leninists. Rather I suggest the reasonable left I mentioned at the start of this article: Socialists, Left-Communists, Social Democrats, Republicans and even Liberals have all proved in the past to be determined enemies of the cults of Bolshevism and Fascism and capable of pluralism, though not always willing. It is possible to imagine a society of differing political structures coexisting, and of this being a truer reflection of the will of most people than any monolithic authoritarian Leftism can provide. These are our logical allies, some more than others, but to ensure history does not repeat itself we will have to find a way to both defend ourselves and inspire hope for a better future. For such a pluralist society of state socialists, anarchists, and even liberals, must not sap the hope and idealism of a genuinely Libertarian Socialist Revolution. We will have to walk a tightrope between reactionaries, both left wing and liberal. For without going down another rabbit hole, it was not just the Leninists that betrayed the Anarchists of Spain, it was also their republican and liberal allies. It will not be easy and much like our ancestors we will probably fail, but the difference between fighting for a society that allows differing political ideals the chance to bloom and the totalitarian cult of Leninism, seems a worthy trade off.

[neverwatchedonepiece]

594-595: "Formed! Luffy and Law's Pirate Alliance!" and "Capture M! the Pirate Alliance's Operation Launches!"

After seeing what the Strawhats are really like and realising what he’s got himself into, Law has longing visions of the apocalypse.

That look on Law’s face.

You all know the one I’m talking about.

The one that started as a sweatdrop and morphed into a full-blown look of: I deeply regret this but am in way too deep to back out now.

I watched that scene three times. Pure gold.

If You Keep Telling Everyone About Our Plan, Maybe

So I think I misjudged Trafalgar Law.

Maybe.

Still not one-hundred percent certain Law does not have another hidden agenda but... I am about seventy percent on board with the fact he has good intentions. At the moment. Like Robin said, pirate alliances are marked by betrayal, so this could change in future. (But I don’t want it to. I like Law as a good-ish guy.)

Like Nami, I was also was not expecting Luffy to accept so quickly. Maybe at the end of the arc, I thought. Have no idea why I even entertained that daft idea. This is Luffy we’re talking about. 

Law sold it as best he could without giving Oda’s entire plot away. “I’m not saying we can beat the Yonko right away. There is a chance, if we do it step by step. What do you say?”

Luffy’s daft but not an idiot. He asked Law to which Yonko he was referring. I’m guessing that was important because I honestly can’t see Luffy going against Shanks unless something really serious puts something between them. I was pretty damned interested in Law’s answer, so when Oda used that favourite trop of his: a sudden howling blizzard carried away Law’s voice, I laughed like a drain and cursed Oda and his teasing ways.

Fine. I get it. I won’t know at least until after this arc.

I also liked Luffy’s reasons for accepting Law’s offer of alliance. One, it sounded like fun. Two, he thought Tra-guy was a good guy. And three, even if he wasn’t, he had his Strawhats, who had spent the last two years training to become stronger (with the implication they could kick Law’s ass if the misbehaved).

This totally won over the Strawhats. They sort of melted into a puddle of giggling, flattered, enraged goo. Law was standing there staring like, “Wtf are these people?”

Still, as a gesture of goodwill, he unshambled all those who were able to be restored to their bodies. I am guessing is because of plot. Chopper and Franky are back to normal (Chopper had to leave with Law for a reconnaissance mission to Caesar’s lab). However, Nami and Sanji are now inhabiting each others’ bodies (because Sanji was not nearby to be restored to his own. I’m guessing you’ve got to be in Law’s Room).

Law was also not keen on the experiment kids. They were a pain. A liability. Forget about them. He’d heard from Caesar they’d been drugged. Chopper and Nami protested. They knew about the drug. They had already decided to take the kids back to their families. Law revealed the World Government have been trying to turn people into giants for hundreds of years. Why? In order to manufacture soldiers to increase their military might.

Apparently, Caesar wants to perfect the process first and outsmart Vegapunk and the World Government. (Okay, so Caesar is not still working for the WG after all. Is he that wealthy he can fund himself or is another faction bankrolling him? Maybe the Yonko Law is talking about defeating?)

Law was still unconvinced helping the kids was a good idea. “Are you willing to stay here alone?” he asked Nami.

Luffy, the Best Captain, jumped in. He would not leave anyone behind. If Nami and Chopper wanted to help the kids, he was fine with that. Sanji felt responsible for the Samurai Guy too. So Luffy would stay with them.

Usopp was so funny here. He leaned over Luffy’s shoulder and gave Law some Strawhat Context. “You think an alliance is a cooperative relationship just for some common goal, don’t you?” 

Um... yes, Law answered.

Ha. Well Luffy’s idea was different. It’s like being friends to him. And if Law was thinking of taking control, it would not be that easy. Once Luffy feels sure about something He Will Not Back Down. His selfishness, Usopp said, was as formidable as a Yonko. (”That must he hard,” Luffy said. xD)

At that point, I think Law reached his Strawhat Saturation Point. These people were like freaking aliens to him. But whatever. He’d agreed to an alliance. So he laid out his plan of action. While the rest of the Strawhats took care of the samurai, he would go research the drug behind Caesar’s back. He needed the Strawhats’ doctor. Chopper was strapped to his hat. xD

Then, when that was clearly undignified, his back.

Before Law left, he issued a warning. Caesar wanted the Strawhats and the G-5 Unit dead. Until Caesar gets what he wants, he will not stop attacking. If any info leaked about him being on Punk Hazard, Caesar would lose his perfect hiding place. This is high stakes stuff for Caesar. He will fight tooth-and-nail to win. Not only that, he is a Logia type Gas Gas Fruit user who owns weapons of mass destruction with a 300 million bounty. Law cautioned anyone who couldn’t use haki to stay away from him.

Useful intel to have, to be honest. Thanks, Law.

And it was thanks to the conversation that I now know Zoro and Sanji can also use Haki. Did I miss that or is that completely new thing?

After that, came the part of the episode that was my Absolute Favourite. I definitely did not see this coming. Before Law left with Chopper, Luffy said, “So we’re gonna kidnap the Master, right?”

“Not for any money,” Law said. “To raise havoc.”

Despite the Strawhats asking, he would not tell them what lay ahead before they even successfully kidnapped Caesar. Focus on the job at hand. He would spill all later. Then said, rather ominously, “When we get Caesar Clown, things will move whether you like it or not.”

Ooooooooooooooh....

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH.

Now this is a juicy nugget of plot. I also do not think this has ever happened in One Piece: defeating the arc villain in order to kidnap him, use him as a catalyst and trigger some nefarious skullduggery in the New World with a view to taken down a Yonko.

Caesar Clown must be really something. I guess if he is an inventor and purveyor of weapons of mass destruction, his services will be in demand within certain sections of the OPverse. 

This is cool. I was a bit miffed when I realised this arc would end quickly as it has been great so far. You guys were right. This is an intro arc that seems to lead on to bigger things involving Trafalgar Law’s crazy idea.

Also, I cannot wait for Chopper to lay eyes on Caesar Clown for the first time. Chopper is gonna have to exercise some wicked self-control to not smack him for mistreating those kids. Chopper also asked Law an interesting question: if Law was so strong and could reach Caesar Clown that easily (because Law had just Roomed himself round to the lab’s back door), why could he capture Caesar himself?

Law deflected, as he always does. “I cannot because of a problem I have. That’s why I need help from you guys.”

A problem? Must be a pretty big problem. 

And by the way, where are your crew, Law?

I am making myself suspicious again.

I need to just believe in Law, like Luffy does. Because the arc villain is making a move.

And That Move Is Called Smiley

Smiley.

Cannot get over that. xD

Caesar, you crack me up. 

He’s probably one of those deranged scientist types who give their hellbeast creations adorable names. Everyone flees from the tentacled abomination that is Mr Binky Sparkle-Pants. Everyone knows Candy Smoochy Schmoo will devour your soul.

This one is called Smiley. Smiley is a sentient, hill-sized conglomeration of incredibly toxic waste left over from the chemical explosion four years ago. Caesar gleefully explain to Monet that when he escaped custody and returned to Punk Hazard about three years back, he did not purify the island of the poison gas (*the* only good deed he had left to his name!) I mean, why would anyone do such a wasteful thing? All that poison lying around? That H2S gas he had invented that killed everything on the island in second? It’s Free Real Estate, right?

What he did was (probably) use his Gas Gas Fruit (thanks for the confirmation, Law!) to gather all the leftover poison gas and compress it into a monster, which he secured in a vault on the burning half of the island.

And he called it Smiley. xD

I guess Caesar has a sense of humour?

At any rate, this squamous behemoth was unleashed by the gang of unfortunate fodders who were trying to break into a vault at the end of the last episode. I knew they’d meet a sticky end. I just didn’t know how sticky. 

They tried to call their wonderful Master to report they were being killed by a poisonous monster. 

Sympathy? In MY Laboratory? Get the FUCK OUTTA HERE!

But Caesar was in the lab, heard the DDM, was all like, “ugggggh, so needy!” He told his main minion not to pick up the call. Why? The fodders would just be screaming “Help, a monster is killing us! Save us!” How annoying, right?

And you know what else was annoying? The amount of visitors. Ugh. So many. Caesar seems to work in euphemism a lot because all he said was, “You can stop gathering test subjects now. We have enough.”

I’m guessing that’s code for “these freeloading Strawhats and Marines have overstayed their welcome. Time to die!” He had a jolly good lol to himself while Monet studied quietly in a corner (she must have learned to block out the cackling by now or she would get zero work done).

Caesar’s knowledge of how to manipulate human nature was summed up when he said, “People tend to forget tragedies in no time!” That is harsh but true. He knew sooner or later what happened in Punk Hazard would be forgotten by the majority, leaving him free to practice his wicked experiments with impunity.

He really is a piece of work, eh?

As of now, Smiley is currently oozing towards Caesar’s lab. Zoro, Sanji and Brook saw it approach on the horizon. 

They found Kinemon, by the way! His torso fell into the lake and sank like a rock because he’s a Devil Fruit user. Because of that, the rest of his parts became super weak and he almost froze to death. If Zoro hadn’t found him, he’d be dead. At least he’s finally grateful for the Strawhats’ help. I wonder what he’ll say when he finds out they’re working with Law, the guy who slashed him up? I wonder what Zoro, Sanji and Brook will say when they find out Luffy’s working with Law?”

It won’t be a secret for long, they way Luffy’s going on. xD

NO, WE DON’T HAVE A SECRET PLAN AT ALL. WHY DO YOU ASK?

While Law was sneaking round the back door with Chopper and Smoker and his crew were battling to seize Caesar’s ship, Luffy had a Big Idea. Back at the camp, he whispered to Robin and Franky, the Strawhats who would go with him. (I’m assuming Nami and Usopp are guarding the kids and waiting for Zoro, Sanji Brook and Samurai to return.)

Smoker was having a tough time. Fighting in someone else’s body was difficult. Poor Tashigi kept turning to smoke at random and couldn’t turn back. (You know what? If this wasn’t such a serious situation, it’d be well fun to have a go in a Devil Fruit User’s body!)

Then Luffy arrived with a literal BANG! He cannoned into the snow right at the front door of Caesar’s Lab and roared, “SHOW YOURSELF, MASTER! WE WILL KICK YOUR ASS AND KIDNAP YOU!”

I swear the impact from Law’s facepalm was heard as far as Raftel.

Trip Advisor Review: Punk Hazard

“Arrived on island. Was welcomed warmly by hotel proprietor. Accommodation was clinically austere but the bar was well-stocked. Woke up one morning and I was a centaur. Not pleased. Proprietor maintains he has no recollection of how this happened. Only other guest remains tight-lipped. Refused refund. One star. Would not recommend.”

[tiny-trex5]

Ah 1987...what a year

The Reagan administration coined the phrase ”this is your brain on drugs”

Gorbachev ”tore down the wall”

Water beds made up 22 percent of all mattress sales

The competitive world of party games changed with the invention of Jenga

Prozac hit pharmacies everywhere

Bill Cosby had a flawless reputation and the number one show

Cocaine was cool

But maybe the best thing to come out of 1987 was me. On a rainy Wednesday in early November I made my debut appearance into this world. According to my mom, I came in a bit hastily. Quickly, aggressively and without warning. This was definitely foreshadowing for the rest of my life.

As I sit here seven days out from my 32nd year, Running through my life memories, lessons, hardships and accomplishments I can't help but feel contemplative.

So naturally, like any elder millennial I turned to my trusty old friend the Internet for answers about life. After an exhaustive google search about what happens when you turn 32, I came up with nothing but comprehensive lists about 32 things to do before 32. Cute lists, thorough lists, lists that would make Oprah Whinfrey feel inadequate. Being comparative by nature I began measuring my own life achievements to those of these random internet drones.

I immediately felt contrition about how I have lived my life. How come I haven't traveled the globe or began training to climb Mount Everest? Why am I not married to my adorably ironic soulmate? I don't even eat a cruelty free vegan diet! The anxiety started to set in. Am I inferior because I don't have a college degree on my wall?

Luckily for me, I'm not one to wallow in my own self-loathing. For whatever reason I'm pretty self assured and I know who I am. I don't want to climb Mount Everest. That sounds awful. I would prefer to keep my fingers over losing them to frost bite.

. I've lived a messy life, I fall on my face a lot. I don't have a lot of tangible accomplishments. What I do have is a compassionate, humble, realistic, sometimes irreverent view of the world around me. So, instead of dwelling on what I haven't done I decided to make my own ”32” themed list.

32 years worth of random thoughts, musings and advice that has stuck in my head

32.) Empathy and sympathy are often confused but they are two very different things.

When someone is sympathetic to something it means they share the same feelings or have gone through the same thing. Sympathy can often be off-putting to the person on the receiving end. It can show up as ”one-upping” or trying to diminish someone's emotions about a certain situation. Empathy is when a person understands someone's emotions but doesn't necessarily share them. Empathy is a skill that needs to be practiced. It doesn't always come naturally to humans. It requires us to step outside of our own heads, ideas and opinions and really sit with someone in their pain. To truly be empathetic is a treasure and it will change the way you see the world.

31.) Human beings are resilient if they chose to be.

Humans are powerful. There is nothing in the world more motivating than watching another person come back from the bottom. I mean, did anyone else shed a tear when Tiger won the Masters?

30.) We are responsible for our reaction to life.

Bad things happen to good people. We are not responsible for (some) of the things that happen to us but we are responsible for our reaction to them.

29.) We create our experience.

If someone walks into work everyday and says to themselves it's going to be a miserable day...chances are it's going to be a miserable day.

28.) When something about another person really bothers us, most likely it's because we do the same thing.

Some shit is just annoying. Loud chewing, people who wear sunglasses inside etc...i'm not talking about that. I mean when someone has a behavior or character trait we can't stand it's because they are holding a symbolic mirror to us and something we don't like about ourselves. The first time I heard this I rolled my eyes. But then, I started to pay attention to when someone really got under my skin and low and behold this annoying piece of advice is true.

27.) Diet Coke is terrible for you and every time you drink one someone will let you know you're going to get cancer.

I drink a lot of diet coke. You know what else is terrible for you? Being judgemental.Leave me alone and drink your water.

26.) ”Regardless of the circumstances, You are completely capable of creating the life you want, so keep your head down and make your next move”-MHB

My dad told me that after I was fired from a career job. I will never, ever forget those words.

25.)A dysfunctional family is not a life sentence. Break your own cycle.

No one is perfect. You do better when you know better. A bad childhood can certainly affect our lives. Do whatever you need to do to heal from it, forgive the people involved and build a better life so history doesn't repeat itself.

24.) Wherever you are is exactly where you need to be.

Take time to reflect on your journey and how you got to whatever point you may be at. Learn from it, sit in it and appreciate how far you have come.

23.) Perfection is unattainable.

So stop striving for it. Strive to be healthy, strive to be comfortable in your own skin. Stop comparing yourself to everyone else. find peace with who you already are and then make goals.

22.) it's okay to like things about yourself.

Women especially are terrible at accepting compliments. We tend to downplay them. It doesn't make you stuck up to enjoy parts of yourself.

21.) ”Always protect the friendship”-MHB

This is another gem from my dad. In a romantic relationship always, always protect the friendship you have with your partner. That is what will carry you through the bad times. Even if it doesn't work out.

20.) The best cat to own is one that doesn't use a litter box

Albert, you're the real MVP. Miss you.

19.) Time is a master healer.

Sometimes the only answer to great pain is time. Time softens the blow and cools the burn that grief brings to our lives. It has a magical way of erasing bad memories and replacing them with fondness.

18.) Love hard.

Tell people how you truly feel about them. Even if it leads to rejection. Don't punish new relationships because of things someone in your past did.

17.) Love and Attachment are two very different things.

Read that again. Attachment is unhealthy. It's an enmeshed relationship that will never meet your emotional needs and it ends in resentment.

16.) We are all born inherently good

The issue is that we were given free will. Use it wisely.

15.) Invest in a pair of black boots and a long cardigan

They look good with every thing

14.) Everyone owns a coordinating sweat suit

For the love of God do not wear it to the airport.

13.) No human can love you enough if you don't love yourself

You cannot expect someone to save you. It's not fair. If you don't love yourself there isn't enough human power on earth that will fill that void. Not a partner, not a child, not a parent. Trust me, I've tried.If you hate yourself deep down you don't believe that another human can love you. It leaves you wanting constant reassurance which is exhausting for the other person. Self-loathing cannot be fixed by external validation.

12.) Nobody ever wakes up after a night of staying sober wishing they would have had a drink.

Facts.

11.) Your job title is not your identity.

It's amazing to have a career that you are passionate about. Build a full life, so that if God forbid that job goes away you still know who you are.

10.) Be comfortable going to a restaurant to eat alone

It's always awkward the first-time. It is a huge self esteem boost to feel comfortable being with yourself.

9.) Take a lot of pictures.

Not selfies (those are great too). Take candid pictures. It gives you physical evidence of times in your life.

8.) Find a perfume and stick with it.

Human Beings will always remember how you smell. Make it a good one.

7.) Give genuine compliments.

Genuine is the key word here. If someone looks especially radiant, or has on a great outfit, tell them. You never know who needs to hear something

6.) Experiment with your look until you find your signature style.

Dress in a way that makes you feel good. It helps you carry yourself with confidence. I love clothes, they are my passion. I love when women find their own style and embrace it. Trends are great, but you don't have to follow them to a t. Unless that's your thing. Play with your clothes, it's fun.

5.) Write handwritten notes.

I love to write so this is important to me. It's always so meaningful to receive something handwritten.

4.) Be assertive, not aggressive.

Advocate for yourself and hold your ground, don't bully or instill fear in others to get your point across. No one will ever take you seriously if you just get angry and explode.

3.) Real growth starts when you get tired of your own shit.

I can personally attest to this. Nothing and I mean nothing motivates change like really stepping back and realizing your behavior is why and how you've gotten to the point in your life that you are at. Realizing that the same shitty coping mechanisms you have used your whole life may not be serving you anymore. My mom once said to me ”you complain that all these bad things keep happening to you, but what is the common denominator?” Me. I am the common denominator.

2.) It's okay to need help.

We can't always fix everything ourselves. The reason therapeutic environments exist is because there is a need. Whatever help may look like for you, it's okay to reach out and take it. For me, it came in the form of rehab. Not once, but a few times. I have a drinking problem and an eating disorder that I can't just will myself through. I need help. And that's okay. By taking help and services I found a community of people that are just like me. I found a place I belong and a safe area to walk through my issues. I have support and a network that pulls me through my darkest days.

Regret and shame will keep you sick.

This is a very emotional one for me. I have a crushing amount of regret about how I have shown up as a mother. It haunts me every moment of everyday. I have made a lot of mistakes. Living in shame has kept me in pain. It has kept me distant and in hiding. Regret has told me ”your daughter is better off without you”. And I listened. I built an emotional wall so high that now I don't know how to tear it down. Hiding in my shame has created mountains of problems that wouldn't be problems if I just would have faced my own situation. I don't know how to overcome these obstacles. I do know I love my child with every ounce of my soul. My fear is that she doesn't know that. So it's time to do things differently. To step into the light and heal not hide from choices I've made.

As I approach this new year of my life I won't feel bad for myself. No, I'm not where I thought I would be at 32 but I'm right where I need to be. And maybe that's the best place for me.

[hnd1bphoto-geraldmcmillan]

Seeing the Light

“Light thinks it travels faster than anything but it is wrong. No matter how fast light travels, it finds the darkness has always got there first, and is waiting for it.” - Terry Pratchett, Reaper Man.

Well that’s one way of looking at it, although arguably this is a re-working of that passage in The Book of Genesis when it reports that God said “Let there be light”, as previously there had been darkness upon the earth, and, by definition, darkness must have been there first.

The light that we see by, similar to the air that we breathe, is probably taken for granted by the majority of the people all over the world.  “Light” as a topic for study, can be as complicated or as simple as you want/need it to be. Most people will not be aware, I don’t believe, that visible light from the sun is part of the electro-magnetic spectrum that has wavelength of between about 380-700 nanometres.  What’s a nanometre? Well, it’s 1 x10^-9 of a metre, which doesn’t give me much of a handle as to how small that is, but a nanometre can also be described as a millionth of a millimetre.  That wavelength range covers what is described as white light, but as depicted very nicely by the cover of Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon famous album of the 1970’s, all the colours of the rainbow are contained within that white light. White light is dispersed as it passes through a prism (or water droplets in the sky) into its 7 colour components by a process called refraction (in effect “bending”).  The shorter wavelength (violet-end) component of white light is refracted most when passing through the prism and the longest wavelength red light component is refracted least.  Proof of this is directly demonstrated by a rainbow – the inner and more curved colours of the rainbow arch are blue and violet and the outer colours are red and orange.

The three primary colours of visible light are often quoted to be red, green and blue. (Google it if you don’t believe me). However a contributor to the website Photography Stack Exchange comments that “There are no primary colors (sic) of light, in fact there is no color intrinsic in light at all (or any other wavelength of electromagnetic radiation). There are only colors in the perception of certain wavelengths of EMR by our eye/brain systems.”  (But what beauty lies within the range of our visual perceptions through our eye/brain systems interactions – for those of us lucky enough to have sight). Of course I don’t disagree with the above point of information; however it is possibly at a level of detail beyond the scope of this blog.  I’ve often thought it strange that we don’t actually see light, but only how it interacts with (e.g. is reflected from) other objects – or rather, only how we perceive how light interacts with other objects.  But stepping back from physiological and biological considerations, red green and blue light when combined also make white light. Objects appear coloured when they reflect preferentially the wavelength of the colour that we perceive. A green apple appears green because it reflects the wavelength of green light preferentially to other wavelengths of different colours. It is the same for other coloured objects. Furthermore an object appears white when all the colours of the spectrum are reflected and black when no colours are reflected.  

Without light, there would be no photography. There would also not be many other things - like life for example, but as this blog is about photography, I’ll stick with that. The blog brief asks the student to harness natural light to produce a variety of portraits, modifying the light as required by means of flags, reflectors and diffusers as required.  The brief overview also comments that natural daylight is not constant, which from a geographic/meteorological consideration applying to Scotland, has to make it a contender for understatement of the year. But in all seriousness, the quality of light is heavily dependent on the time of day, the season, the atmospheric conditions e.g. the degree of cloud cover etc., and this will affect the options to best photograph a chosen subject.   The quality of light in this context, according to John McIntire at Digital Photography School (website), “has nothing to do with whether light is good or bad. The word quality refers to the physical properties, traits, or characteristics of the light. These properties include the softness or hardness, the shape, the color, and the intensity of the light.”

In order to help optimise natural sunlight for photographic purposes, certain methods and tools are available. Some of these include:

Flag: A tool used to control light. At the most basic level, flags are anything that can used to block or cut light from anywhere it isn’t wanted. Closing a blind or a curtain to block glare from a television screen is an example of using a flag. Another example would be the sun visor in your car. (John McIntire at Digital Photography School).

Reflector: As the name suggests, quite simply a tool to reflect light. For portrait work in natural light, reflectors can be used to lighten heavy shadows which might be cast if the light is hard and to one side of the subject.  However, as John McIntire comments, “softness and hardness are affected by the apparent size of your light source. If you move your reflector closer to your subject, you get softer light. If you take it further back, you get harder light. The same applies to different sized reflectors. A larger reflector, at the same distance from the subject as a smaller one, will produce softer light, while the smaller one (in the same position) will produce harder light.”    

(The above website gives a very good example of the optimization of a small-scale photo-shoot setup using flags and reflectors.)

Diffuser: any medium that reduces the intensity or harshness of light and results in a softening effect. Soft light creates gentle illumination and softer shadows.  Cloud cover is a natural diffuser of sunlight that I truly believe we are all too familiar with in Scotland.  Artificial diffusers tend to be translucent rather than transparent in nature.

The website tips-and-hints section details how to use a 5-in-1 reflector set comprising of white/silver/ gold/black (flag) /diffuser media which I considered to be quite useful.

The class had a practical try-out on 10/09/19 of the use of reflectors in support of this brief, however, from a personal point of view, without much success, if I’m honest, as detailed below. (The light conditions weren’t ideal, I didn’t think, as there was constantly –changing levels of sunlight due to intermittent cloud cover.)

The above used a gold reflector which I thought gave an unflattering colour cast which I considered rendered the subject more than a little bit jaundiced!  There is also a noticeable drop-off of light (or a heavy shadow cast) on the left-hand side of the image, which as well as being undesirable aesthetically, makes it look as if the subject is about to be attacked! The inevitable conclusion is that the composition of the shot is poor.

A silver reflector next tried I thought rendered a washed-out effect. In my defence, I was using a college camera that I was unfamiliar with, but I did think I had the exposure correct, according to the camera metering. Also this was my second day of starting the HND course, I was still settling-in, becoming acquainted with my classmates and was not entirely at ease, so, even with my best intentions, it’s probably more than likely that my shots were a bit rushed and not properly thought through. (That’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it!).  But, I accept 100% - “could do better”.

Going out on the street to shoot strangers was something that I thought I could do no problem, but it was much more difficult than I thought.  I probably missed the chance to perhaps photograph some interesting characters simply because I could not bring myself to ask.  But I did try, I did ask, and while I got mainly refusals, a few folk agreed.

The above photograph is of a workman, who was trying to get into a close to carry out some repair work for a tenant in the Govanhill area. The street was actually in shadow, but reflected sunlight from a window in the opposite row of tenements gave good (I think!) illumination.

The above two photographs were taken at Dumbreck railway station whilst waiting for a train! (A bit rushed!)

The above photograph was shot in natural light subjected to diffused transmission by semi-opaque glass roof.  Soft shadows were cast by roof beams acting like flags, partially blocking the transmitted light, and I positioned the model so that the light fell on her eyes.

(This blog still a soon-to-be-completed-work-in-progress!)

[seriouslyhooked]

Lost Souls and Reveries (Part 9)

18 part AU written for @cssns​. Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8. Story available on AO3 Here and FF Here. Banner created by the amazingly talented @shipsxahoy​!!

Killian Jones is a wolf shifter without roots, without plans, and without a pack. He’s a rogue, someone humans should avoid and shifters should be wary of given his lineage. But one night years back set him on a path he didn’t realize he was taking, a path leading to a future he is destined for. That future is tied up in one woman – a human named Emma Nolan. Together Emma and Killian will find not only answers, but a love that’s truly fated. But will love be enough to set them free, or will past demons win out in the end? (Answer: love always wins – I am writing this so despite some tiny pockets of angst it’s basically a fluff-filled insta-love fest). Rated M.

A/N: Hey all! So, as promised, we are back with a new chapter (though I am a day later than my usual posting schedule) and this one is arguably the big one. Finally the reveal is here and I have been waiting for it for what feels like forever. It’s going to take a little bit to get there – after all, I can’t just drop the bomb with no ease in, but by the end of the chapter Emma will know the truth and we will all know her reaction. Without giving too much more away, I’ll leave you all to read. Let me know what you think and I hope you all enjoy!

If someone had told Emma even a month ago that she’d willingly walk down the street hand in hand with a man in front of the whole town, she would have called them crazy. That was absolutely not the kind of thing she ever did, but here she was, braving the Fourth of July festivities, proudly holding tight to Killian’s grasp as they made their way down Main Street and over to the park where the town-wide cookout was already in full swing.

“So you’re really sure you want to do this?” Emma asked, teasing Killian when he had made it abundantly clear that this was exactly what he wanted. “It’s not too late to duck out.”

“And miss the chance to turn up with the world’s most beautiful woman on my arm? Never.”

Emma melted into his compliment, despite how over the top it was, and she marveled at how honest he was being and how she couldn’t deny how much he meant the words. They’d been together for a few weeks now, and in all that time Killian bestowed such praise on her constantly. But it never tipped over into the realm of flattery just for flattery’s sake. It was charming, but it was also real, and it left her feeling as beautiful as he believed her to be while also tempting her to say screw it and skip this cookout entirely. The things that she wanted to do with this man were hardly appropriate for this public setting, and if the past few weeks had taught her anything, it was that Emma was a lot less patient than she once thought.

A few weeks – really only two of actually dating – was a very short window to feel this possessive of what they had. Emma was protective of their relationship, and she cherished it far more than a passing fling or ordinary courtship. It felt big and bold, and traditionally, this was the stage of a relationship where people started labeling things, maybe calling themselves boyfriend and girlfriend. But that particular label didn’t seem like enough. Somehow, since meeting Killian, Emma had realized that there was a trivialness to that once aspired to status. It felt like a temporary step before either a couple would break or move on to more. And sure, maybe people dated for years and years without officially taking things further, but in her heart Emma already felt like she and Killian were more.

That feeling was something she’d been clinging to the past few weeks. For all the growing and sharing they were doing together, and for all the time they’d spent in each other’s company (which never did feel like enough), Emma could still feel some boundaries that simply wouldn’t budge, and she wondered why they were up at all. On her end this felt like a given. She was so confident in the two of them, and though they’d never said the words, Emma knew that Killian loved her. He was in love with her, and she felt the exact same way. So what was left between them that was going unsaid? And why did Emma feel like it mattered a whole heck of a lot?

“There’s nothing I wouldn’t give to know your thoughts right now, love,” Killian murmured as they arrived at the park entrance.

There were people milling about, streaming in to get to the party, but Emma and Killian stopped, standing still in the ebb and flow of foot traffic. Emma turned towards him, meeting his stare after he’d made his comment, and she saw in his gaze that he had picked up on everything she was feeling. He might not know exactly what was bothering her, but he knew something was off, and the look in his eyes was so resolute and certain that she knew he was determined to rid her of any burdens she was carrying. That care and love she saw there only made her fall a little bit more in love, but as much as she wanted to tell him, as much as Emma would like to put it all on the table and be honest with him, she knew it wasn’t the time or place. With their luck her friends or her parents would pop up any second, and the last thing she wanted was to tell Killian that she loved him for the first time with an audience.

“Good thinking. Probably best not to have such a conversation where we could be ambushed.”

Emma gaped at him for a moment before succumbing to laughter. He was funny in his delivery, and the humor was undeniable, but it was also eerie how spot on he was. She knew she hadn’t said anything aloud, but he understood her completely anyway. How was that possible? How could any two people be so in tune with each other? And why didn’t she hate it after spending her life trying to maintain her privacy in a small town where privacy was fleeting?

“Are you like a secret mind reader or something?” She asked, raising a brow at him and taking stock of him all over as if trying to find some kind of physical sign that he was telepathic.

“I’m an Emma reader, and I hate to break it to you, love, but you’re somewhat of an open book.”

“I am not,” Emma said, shaking her head though she still found herself smiling all the same. “You can ask anyone. I’ve got a perfect poker face. I’m undefeated at the legion hall charity games – the definition of cool and collected.”

“With everyone else I dare say you are, love. But with me…” Killian’s words trailed off as he stepped closer, his arms wrapping around her and his fingertips leaving blissful zings of awareness where they brushed against her bare skin. “With us, it’s different. We know each other better than we know ourselves. We’ve learned it fast, but still it’s there. Like a language only we speak.”

“And apparently I can’t shut off the transmission,” Emma said, her voice a bit breathier since Killian was so close and she was wrapped up in his scent, and warmth and big strong arms.

“Would you want to if you could?” Killian asked, a bit of concern crossing into his previously relaxed and happy expression. Instantly Emma sought to rectify it, and she did so by answering him honestly.

“No. I love what we have. I wouldn’t want to change it.”

Thoughtfulness colored his features at that, and while it didn’t alarm Emma, it did remind her of her earlier thoughts. Killian was hiding something, something that worried him. There was a secret he was holding onto, presumably something he thought would change what they already had. But even though Emma didn’t know what it could be, she wanted to tell him that it wouldn’t change things. Whatever he was worried about – whatever he deemed necessary to hold back when they’d always been nothing but open – it wouldn’t ruin this, and it was nothing that they couldn’t handle together. She knew that deep down in her soul.

“Knowing you want this and want me is the greatest gift, love, and I fully intend to show you how grateful I am tonight. But right now…”

“Let me guess, incoming?” Emma asked, knowing that for whatever reason, Killian was always able to tell way before she was when someone was approaching to interrupt one of their interludes.

“Aye, love. Don’t worry though, I’ll protect you.”

His whispered words as Elsa and Anna appeared had Emma chuckling softly to herself, and after giving her best friends a hug, she returned to holding Killian’s hand and began to experience this annual party with a totally new view. It was a very different experience to spend the day like this. Of course she and Elsa and Anna had all been coming together for ages, but they knew the routine like the back of their hand. Killian though was a novice still at Storybrooke’s ways and customs, and watching his reactions to all of it and seeing how excited and desirous to participate he was made Emma’s already present love for her town’s antics grow all the more.

“Okay, so we’ve had food, we’ve made the rounds, we kissed the Captain’s wheel…”

“Which I still don’t get to be honest,” Killian whispered low enough so only Emma could hear as Anna went about listing what they’d already done. It was a Storybrooke tradition to kiss the old ship’s wheel statue in the park at this festival every year, but no one really knew why that was or how the tradition started. Seeing Killian’s reaction to it had been hilarious because he seemed to be the only rational one in attendance, but even with the weirdness, he ended up complying. Just the thought of his reaction, however, made Emma laugh, and she muffled the giggle by ducking into him and using him to keep the sound quiet.

“Now the only thing left to do is rumble!” Anna announced gleefully.

“Rumble? Like a fight?” Killian asked, his stance tensing ever so slightly as he moved to bring Emma a bit closer. It was a protective action, one that Emma appreciated though it wasn’t actually needed. She clarified for Anna, speaking in terms an outsider could understand.

“Every year we duke it out at the game tents. It’s a big thing – we play every game and whoever ends with the biggest prize wins,” Emma said, and while she saw that Killian was appeased that there wouldn’t actually be physical violence, he was clearly still concerned about the terminology. Elsa, however, chose this time to cut in.

“But one year when we were kids, the orders got messed up for the game prizes. Emma’s Mom ordered normal fair things like stuffed animals and blow up toys and instead the town got five hundred fake WWE championship belts.”

“You’re kidding,” Killian said, not believing it at all, but then he looked at Emma and his eyes widened. “Seriously?”

“Oh yeah,” Emma replied. “And, never one to let the unexpected cramp her style, Mom really leaned in. Most of us didn’t know anything about professional wrestling -,”

“Heck we still don’t,” Elsa interrupted with a laugh as Emma smiled.

“But all the adults made a really big effort to make it cool for one night so that we wouldn’t be disappointed when all we got was a belt.” Killian’s eyes softened at that and he nodded, silently acknowledging how touching and fun that must have been.

“So to honor that night – and to honor Emma’s Dad’s job, which was just to keep yelling ‘Let’s get ready to rumble!’ the whole time – we call this the rumble.”

The laugh Killian let loose at the story prompted Emma and her friends to laugh as well. It was, after all, a very funny thing, and Emma could still remember her Dad that night. He knew nothing about wrestling, except for some old catch phrase, but he’d done everything in his power to see them all enjoy themselves, and he had definitely succeeded.

“Well, I might not be the best, seeing as I haven’t been to a fair in… I couldn’t even say how long,” Killian admitted. “But if it’s a rumble we’re having, then I’m in.”

“Great!” Anna said gleefully, and her tone was so chipper it spoke to some kind of scheming. Before Emma could rein her in though, she was already presenting her thoughts. “So I’m thinking you versus Elsa. You fight for Emma, Elsa fights for me, winner gets the better unicorn plushie at the end of this.”

“Anna,” Emma said, not even knowing how to proceed. She wanted to tell her friend that was silly and that she didn’t need Killian to prove himself with some dumb fair games, but then he squeezed her hand and she looked back at his smiling face.

“If you’re okay with cheering me on, I think I’ve got this, love.” How could she say no to that? Between the handsome face and the hot as hell accent, lilting in that heated way she loved so dearly, she was helpless to do anything but accept.

From there, a truly impressive ‘rumble’ proceeded. The four of them went to every tent for every game, and it turned out that Elsa and Killian were well matched. Killian, for his part, was excellent at any game requiring strength and precision, while Elsa was amazing at all the games of chance and seeming randomness. She anticipated better than anyone Emma knew, which usually made her the undisputed winner on fair night, but tonight it was neck and neck, until the final game – the ring toss.

“You couldn’t write this better,” Anna said to Emma as they stood off watching Elsa and Killian prepare for the final event.

“Couldn’t write what?” Emma asked, not following.

“The ring toss,” Anna said, matter of factly. Emma blinked, not knowing what her friend was getting at. “Oh come on, Emma. Killian’s going to win you the title with a ring, and it’s only a matter of time before he gives you a very different kind of ring giving you a very different kind of title.”

Realization sunk in after a moment and Emma blushed as she swatted Anna’s arm. “Anna, shh, he’ll hear you.”

“Oh please. That man is in love. L-O-V-E, love,” Anna said in what could best be described as a stage whisper. “There are more than wedding bells in the air, Emma. Don’t think we all can’t see that.”

Emma’s stomach flipped at the thought. It was something that was so out of this world – getting married? That couldn’t possibly be on her radar so soon, and yet it was. This was not the first time she had thought about a future with Killian, and that future, at least the ideal one that her heart liked to surmise about, especially in her dreams, did involve getting married someday. If she were honest with herself, the dreams included that day coming way sooner than it probably should too, but she had never vocalized those wants before and she was worried Killian would hear. For all the good that had blossomed between them these past few weeks, and for as fast as she had grown to love him, Emma couldn’t help feeling like there was one last step to take before the future Anna was hinting at. There was one last wall to conquer – one more thing that lay in their path – and while Emma was working on overcoming it, she wouldn’t rush Killian.

As if he could feel her watching him, Killian chose that moment to glance back at her. She didn’t think that he had heard Anna, but she could feel the intensity of his emotion even from the distance. He was more than clear with his thoughts about her and his care for her, and when he smiled it set the anxiety her friend had just let loose fading away. Emma felt exponentially better, and she offered him her own smile before he turned back to take on the toss.

“I really want this,” Emma whispered, her voice low but her meaning more sincere than nearly any words she’d said aloud before. “I want him.”

“And you have him,” Anna said as she came to take Emma’s hand. “Totally and completely.”

Emma exhaled a deep breath at the words and she smiled again, following Anna’s lead back to Killian and Elsa. They were just about finished with the game. All that was left was one ring on each of their parts. Elsa went first, tossing and almost getting it to stay on the neck of the milk bottle, but it was Killian who was victorious in the end. He cast the ring with a finesse Emma hadn’t expected, and it landed perfectly atop the bottle, making him the victor.

The excitement and the pride that Emma felt in the face of his winning was certifiably over the top. This year’s rumble did not require that she leap into his arms and squeal with the excitement of a kid rather than the woman she was, but Emma didn’t care. She felt so light and free with Killian, and when things were good, she wanted to enjoy how good they really were. Life lived like this was a breath of fresh air, and the cherry on top was when she was back on the ground, still in his arms, and he leaned down to kiss her exactly like the conquering hero did in every romance book she’d ever read.

“Okay, okay we get it. You love each other. No need to give us all a show.”

Anna’s words brought Emma back into the present, and she knew that a blush had crept over her cheeks at the mention of love, but she didn’t back down. Instead she shook her head with feigned censure, and told Anna that she did want a show. If she didn’t she wouldn’t be so nosy all the time.

“Fair point,” Anna confessed with a shrug. “But since I’m turning over a new, more mature leaf, might I suggest hightailing it out of here? A little birdie told me your Mom is like thirty seconds from popping up.”

“Well we could wait…” Killian offered, not wanting to rush Emma, even though he knew by now what her parents’ appearance would mean. They had said hello and spent a little time with them earlier, but a second meeting would no doubt be longer than the first. Her mother would talk both of them to death, and at the same time she’d thoroughly squash the mood that celebratory kiss had just sparked in Emma.

“Or we could save ourselves and run,” Emma said, pulling him along with her as she cast a goodbye over her shoulder to her friends. “Love you guys, see you tomorrow.”

Anna and Elsa waived goodbye after them, and, through some stroke of immense luck, Emma and Killian managed to get out of the fair grounds without being spotted by the leaders of the Nolan clan. The rest of the town certainly saw them, and Emma noticed the looks that each neighbor cast their way. What surprised her though was the softness she saw there – people had largely accepted Killian, and they seemed really happy for the two of them. That acceptance made Emma happy. She didn’t need it, but she was glad for it. It would hopefully make the whole telling him he was the one and convincing him that this was a forever kind of thing that much easier.

“So, now that you’ve gotten me alone, what’s the plan, love?”

Killian’s question rumbled from his chest, washing over Emma with a trickle of seduction. He wasn’t even trying to do anything, but Killian was just too hot for her to fully function. She closed her eyes for a second, grounding herself in this and in him, and then she opened them and told him what she wanted.

“Take me to your place.”

Her request made Killian’s eyes widen, but she knew he wasn’t surprised. Over the last few weeks the heat between them had only been burning hotter and brighter, but despite some kisses that blew her away, and despite the tantalizingly distracting feel of his rough but also gentle touch, Emma and Killian hadn’t taken things to that next step. She’d been ready for it, aching for the chance to be alone with him and make some of her more vivid fantasies real, but Killian had been taking things slowly. Tonight, however, Emma didn’t want slow. She wanted to go all in, and she wanted to now.

“As you wish.”

Emma’s heart thumped loudly in her chest as they walked, hand in hand, from the park where the festivities had been through the town towards his cabin. By the time they reached the woods, Emma’s anticipation was at record levels. Her whole body was swimming with desire, and she could barely contain it. She knew Killian was aware of it too because his jaw had gone hard but his blue eyes were molten every time he looked her way. He seemed seconds away from sweeping her up into his arms and carrying her, and she would have welcomed that, especially in the moment where she got so distracted that her foot caught on a root that was sticking up slightly from the ground below.

Before Emma could hit the earth with a loud and painful thud, Killian had pulled her to him, cradling her in the warm and strong embrace she’d come to love so much. Somehow her back had ended up at his front, but their bodies were aligned perfectly even like this. The breath rushed out of her, and her body had to play catch up for a moment. She had braced herself for a fall, but it simply hadn’t come, and she blinked away the adrenaline before realizing that they were in another stretch of woods she knew very well…

In the moment just before waking, Emma already knew that she was not where she should be. The ground beneath her was hard, though the grass licked lightly at her skin in a soft and pleasing way. The air was too fresh and too pure for her to be at home and in bed, and the smells around her… she was definitely outside, and that meant it had happened again. She’d had the dream, and she’d left the house as she slept, completely unaware of what she was doing.

Blinking until the early morning dawn didn’t hurt her eyes so badly, Emma’s first sight was the canopy of the trees she’d ended up in. They were giant pines, tall and proud and ever growing, and while they would be considered beautiful and tranquil at any other time, right now they spiked only fear in Emma. She was outside again, presumably alone out here in the elements, and she didn’t know how to stop it.

Rising from the ground, Emma noticed how covered she was in dirt. It climbed up her legs from her bare feet, tore at her clothes, and no doubt smudged her face and her neck as it did her hands and arms. She was a mess right now, and the one thing she remembered most from the dream was the howl of a wolf. It was loud, defiant, but also familiar, and Emma could feel it still reverberating through her, as if she herself had made the sound instead of hearing it in a dream.

Making her way through the woods, trying to remain unseen by anyone who might happen to be out at this ungodly hour, Emma tracked back through the dream. The foundations were the same. It started with that night at the hospital. Two wolves – one good, one bad, fighting over her. She was trapped, she was scared, but then she wasn’t. The midnight one seemed to care for her, to protect her, and then the dream would morph. Suddenly she wasn’t in Boston anymore, she was in the woods, these woods.

She also wasn’t Emma anymore at this point, at least not really. Her point of view was too low, her movements so different than if she’d been walking or running on her own. She was aware of so much – too much – and the darkness of the world did nothing to deter her. She could see everything, feel everything, and she was totally in control. She’d made her way through her favorite groves, tracking and running, and then at the end, she’d made it to the river and she looked into the water only to see another wolf. This one was so different – a pale, almost white coat making the beast look amazing and other worldly, and it was this animal that howled, this revelation that pushed her mind from sleep to wake.

Even now, Emma didn’t know what to make of all of this. Why was there a new wolf when she’d been battling familiar ones all this time? And what did it mean that the wolf had been where she had been? Doctor Hopper would call this projection. Emma knew he’d explain it away as more stress, likely over choosing which college she wanted to go to, not that her parents were going to let her go. With all of this happening who could blame them? Emma was crazy, really and truly crazy and there was no hope of her ever being normal or accepted when this was her deep dark secret…

“Emma?” Killian’s concerned voice broke the spell of her remembrance, and Emma shook her head slightly before looking back at him. She could see in his eyes so much love, and suddenly she felt an urge, an urge to tell him something she’d never even told her very best friends. Something her parents knew, but didn’t really know, since she’d kept parts from them and from Archie. It was a moment of truth, one final test, and Emma hoped that maybe it would be the thing he needed to come forward with his own secret.

“I used to have these crazy dreams, right when we got back from Boston,” she began, continuing to walk through the copse of trees towards his cabin with his hand in hers. “They were wild and exhausting. I’d sleep ten hours but feel like I never went to bed. They were all so vivid in the moment too. One second I was living this undeniable double life. It was almost more real than the world I was living in, but when I woke up I’d start to forget. The pieces would slip away, but the feelings still remained. The doctors said it was stress, but I would - I mean I used to… sleep walk.”

Emma expected Killian to ask for more, but when she looked back up at him he remained quiet. His eyes were fixed on her, his expression unreadable, but she felt a silent urging from him for her to continue so she did.

“The walking was tamer at first. I’d wake up in the kitchen or the back yard. Still close to home, but definitely not where I should be. But by the end of my senior year it was bad… really bad. My parents had to lock every door, install an alarm in a town with virtually no crime, and keep an eye out. They took shifts of who would sleep, and sometimes I still got out. I have no idea how, and they didn’t either.”

“And when you got out, where did you go?” Killian asked, his voice even despite the fact that she was telling him this alarming bit of back-story.

“The woods. Always the woods.”

She gave him some more details of those morning memories. They were hard to speak about, mostly because they were so radically out of the norm, and by the time they’d gotten to his house Emma was starting to feel like maybe this was too much. She hadn’t said any of this aloud in so long and it sounded even more bizarre to her now than it did then, but luckily Killian didn’t seem off put in any way. The only thing he could see on her face was concern for her safety and something else that surprised her. It was almost like he didn’t think these dreams were that insane, and she wondered how he could be so calm in the face of something so strange and wild.

“God, Emma, that sounds… frightening and more than a little scary.”

“It was in a way,” Emma admitted. “But it wasn’t where I woke up that scared me, it was the part when I was awake again. I always had this sinking feeling that I was forgetting something, something really important. It was like something wasn’t right in the light of day. Something was really really wrong, and… well I mean it wasn’t. Everything was fine, and then my birthday came, and I don’t know, I felt a lot better suddenly. I was a bit more settled than I had been. The dreams didn’t come as much, and now when they do it’s just a dream. No random relocations thrown in the mix.”

“That’s good to hear,” Killian said, his hands running over her as much for her comfort as for her his own. “I hate to think of you out in the world and without protection. If anything ever happened to you…”

“I’m fine,” Emma promised, trying to convince him that she was in fact all right as they took a seat on his couch. “I’m not going anywhere. You’re stuck with me.”

Pulling him down for a kiss, Emma was so relieved when Killian kissed her back. He might have felt a bit withdrawn when she’d made the confession about her dreams, but he was with her now in an undeniable way. The only problem was, that when they finally came back for air, the walls had come up again. He was sitting here, holding her close and doing that thing where he subtly protected her from the whole entire world, but she could see the difference and feel it too and it was terrible. She hated it. Simply hated it.

“I shouldn’t have said all that, should I?” Emma asked, her heart hurting in her chest at the realization that she might just have fucked this up. “I messed up.”

“No, Emma. You’re perfect, and I’m glad you told me. Truly I am,” he assured her and Emma smiled at the words, knowing he meant them even if he was still being weird. “You know how I feel about you. In your heart you know, but I haven’t said it aloud yet because… because I’ve been keeping something from you.”

Emma’s heart constricted in her chest even though she had known this was coming. Killian had a secret, something he’d been guarding all this time, and if she knew him as much as she thought she did, it was something he’d probably never told anyone at all. Yet even with the sadness she felt that he had kept something from her, it wasn’t distrust that settled within her. She only wished to help him and to alleviate his pain. Whatever it was, he was so worried and she couldn’t do anything to help until he told her. She moved closer, her hand coming to rest over his heart, which was beating so fast it must be painful, and then she made him a promise she knew he had to hear.

“Whatever it is we can face it together. It’s you and me, okay?”

A moment passed where Killian didn’t say anything. He seemed caught up in something, a memory if she wasn’t mistaken. For a moment it was like he wasn’t there, but Emma instinctively reached out to him, taking his hand. When they touched he was instantly back with her, and his eyes shone bright with a need to be with her.

“You and me, right?”

“Always.”

Hearing him say that made Emma breathe easier. Whatever was happening in his mind right now, there was no hiding the truth, and Killian still wanted this. But as much as she had been willing to give him time before, Emma’s patience had grown frail. She felt like this weight he was carrying was the only thing left between them, and she wanted so badly for him to let it go. If he did they’d be free to just… be, and as strange as that sentiment was, Emma’s instincts told her that they needed that. She knew he wasn’t going anywhere, but whatever secret he was harboring, he needed to share, not just for her sake, but for his as well.

“There’s something about me you don’t know, love. I’m…”

Killian trailed off, and Emma knew that they had finally reached the moment of truth. She had literally no idea where this was going. Killian had kept this guarded for weeks. It was the only part of him she hadn’t had access to, and she needed it even though she felt a tiny bit of fear. Why was he so hung up on this? Was it really so bad? She just wouldn’t know until he said something.

“You’re…” she prompted, her eyes searching his face which was clouded with worry. Then his words came so quickly she almost didn’t hear them.

“I’m a shifter.”

“A shifter,” Emma parroted, and though she didn’t understand what that was, the words came out less as a question than a statement. The term sparked the remembrance she had back at the clinic a few weeks ago, but she shook her head, knowing that couldn’t have been real. It must mean something. Was this a fetish or something? No, it wasn’t. It couldn’t be. She’d have sensed that red flag early on. But whatever it was, this part of her, deep down inside was suddenly excited and elated for now explainable reason. “I don’t know what that means.”

“It means… actually, it’s probably better if I show you.”

Taking her hand in his Killian brought Emma to sit on the couch in his living room. It was a strange thing to do, but Emma knew it was because whatever this was, it was so big he thought she might fall from the shock of it. Meanwhile the word kept bouncing around in her head. Shifter. Shifter. Shifter. She tried to fathom what this was, and if her old, probably made up memory could be accurate, but then she was distracted by Killian moving back across the room and pulling the shirt he was wearing over his head. Emma was not expecting him to strip down in front of her, and despite this being a very serious moment her eyes honed in on his muscled physique. A thrill coursed through her as more and more of him was revealed, and when he was finally down to just his briefs she found her words.

“Killian, what are you…?”

She trailed off when Killian took a deep, steadying breath and then, well, shifted. Like shifted from a man into a wolf in a split second. It was the craziest thing she’d ever seen. One second he was there, for a fleeting moment there was this transition that happened so quick you would blink and you missed it, and then there was this animal – a huge, black wolf, standing where Killian had just been. The animal was poised and powerful, and then his eyes opened and Emma instantly recognized them and him too.

“Holy shit! Holy shit you’re a wolf!” she said, her voice coming out harsh with the emotion of the realization. “Killian, you’re my wolf! Oh my God Killian, you’re my wolf! The wolf from the alley… the wolf from my dreams…”

Killian let out a low whine in his animal form, and though Emma wasn’t exactly fluent in large, wild canine speak, she knew it was a signal that she was right. It completely amazed her that any of this was happening. Now she knew why Killian had her sit down for this reveal. She was dizzy from the shock of it, but she also had this intrinsic need to get up and be close to him. She was fascinated by his coat and color, by how large his animal was, and of course the fact that he could turn into an animal at all. But before she asked those questions, and before she addressed how the hell any of this was possible, she moved across the room to where he was and hesitantly reached out to touch him.

When her fingers made contact with the warmth of his fur, her whole body filled with the most wonderful feeling. It was somehow more consuming than their first time meeting, and finally she knew that the last piece of the puzzle was solved. This was the secret Killian was hiding. This was the truth he’d had to keep hidden, and God what a beautiful, amazing, and magical truth it was. Emma’s eyes actually misted up at the fierceness of all the she felt, but she kept the tears at bay to try and speak her thoughts aloud.

“I don’t understand how this can be real. You’re a wolf – sorry, a shifter – and you saved me. Back in Boston…”

Now Killian did return to himself and Emma jumped at the transformation, more from surprise than fear. No, there was nothing like fear here at all. She felt completely safe with Killian still, but she hoped he would fill in the blanks so her mind could truly comprehend all she’d just seen.

“Aye, I did, love.” She knew it was him, but it still felt good to hear him say it. So all this time she hadn’t been crazy. There was a wolf, and somehow, someway, he’d found his way back to her.

“Wow. That’s so… crazy,” she said for lack of a better descriptor. “What are the odds?”

“I’d say about one in a billion,” he replied and she laughed, the sound pitched higher than normal from the bevy of emotion. Killian, for his part, stepped closer to her, testing the waters but finding Emma didn’t need any space. She moved towards him too, and reveled in the feel of his arms around hers.

“And you found me again. How did you do that? Did you track me or something?”

“No, Emma. It was all instinct. I had the urge to come to Maine for years now, but I finally gave in after resisting so long. I didn’t realize what we were to each other when we first met, but my wolf knew subconsciously you were out there somewhere in the world, calling to me.”

“And what are we to each other?” She asked with a breathless sense of wonder. She knew that her tone spoke to a true yearning to know, and that she was holding nothing back. Right now she was an open book, but it felt only right since he was just as open with her.

“We’re what’s called fated mates, love. In my world it’s normal. All shifters have their perfect partner, their other half, and you, Emma Nolan, are mine, just as I am yours. Bonds between humans and shifters… well I’ve never heard of one happening, but it could be the reason you had those dreams and felt those things. It could be our bond, just working in more mysterious ways.”

“Oh thank God,” Emma said with genuine relief finally it was Killian’s turn to look confused. He must not understand her thoughts on this, so she tried to explain them. “It’s just I’m totally crazy about you. I wanted you from the first second I saw you and I feel like you’re the one. It’s good to know that’s real. It’s not just my mind playing tricks on me.”

“It’s real,” Killian murmured, his hand coming to cup her cheek, sending a zing of awareness through her already sensitive flesh. “It’s the realest thing I’ve ever known, the surest love that can ever be found.”

“Love?” Emma asked and Killian nodded.

“Love. I love you, Emma. For now and always. For this life and every other, I love you.”

Hearing that was the most remarkable thing that had ever happened to her. Knowing that she and Killian were destined to be together was amazing, but to hear that he loved her… it just filled her so completely with joy that she was at a loss for words. She jumped further into his arms, wrapping herself around him as she kissed him with all the passion that she had. He mirrored those feelings and that desire so perfectly too. They were wholly connected and on the same page and Emma had never felt better in all her life. She was finally alive, finally getting the chance to know the best that happiness had to offer, and she never wanted to let go. But of course, ever the responsible and reasonable one, Killian realized there was still more to be said. Before they could get too carried away, he pulled back, and when she looked at his cerulean eyes, she saw he still had things to explain, things she needed to know.

The story of his life, as a shifter and as a man, came easily then. Killian let it all out, every last part, leaving no detail unaddressed. Emma listened to everything he outlined for her about his past losses and heartaches and his life as a shifter. He talked about the pull of the full moon each month and the mating bond that would come when they finally came together.  He talked more about shifter culture and the devotion he’d always have to her and the family they might one day make together. Then he explained how their case was one that he never imagined possible – there were no known cases of shifters and humans being fated pairs, but that didn’t make him any less sure. He showed her his mark and she in turn showed him where hers had appeared, at her hip. She wrote it off as weird reaction to something that would fade away in time, but then she looked at where she’d touched him, and she marveled at their perfect set of markings.

“Wow… just… wow,” Emma said, smiling to herself as she continued to hold onto him. “Wait, you just told me you’re a lone wolf now but you called it something else…”

“A rogue,” Killian replied and he watched as a connection formed in Emma’s mind.

“That’s what Graham called you that day at the diner… oh my God, Graham has to be a shifter, right?”

“A wolf, like me,” Killian confessed, sending Emma’s mind in a dozen directions. How could he have hidden it? Who else knew? Then Killian dropped another bomb she never expected. “He and Tink are the only other shifters in the direct vicinity.”

“Oh my God Tink too?” Emma asked, her eyes widening. “That’s so cool! Is she a wolf also?”

“A lynx,” Killian said, before explaining to Emma that there were dozens of shifter species the world over, some more rare than others.

“I can’t believe you guys manage to keep it a secret…” Emma said, but then her stomach clenched as she thought back to that memory. It had to be real and not a dream like she thought, and that, given everything Killian had said about rules and the council, was not a good thing. “But Killian, I think my parents know. I mean they might… I have this memory of a mountain lion at the clinic and my Mom saying the word so… maybe?”

“I don’t know about your mother, love…” Killian left the rest unsaid.

“But my Dad knows, doesn’t he?” Emma didn’t need to ask. His face said everything, and it also said he felt terrible not coming right out and saying so himself.

“I think it’s best to ask him yourself.”

“God this is all so much. I never imagined this, but somehow I feel like I always knew. Is that normal?”

“It’s our mating bond,” Killian informed her. “It’s strong already, and it will grow even stronger if you choose to be mine in every way.”

“Oh I’m definitely choosing you,” Emma said, completely sure of herself and Killian actually hummed out a sound of approval, that sent waves of pleasure through her. Holy crap, that was hot. Was that a shifter thing? Or just a man who really really wanted her to love him? “I love you, Killian, and I want this. More than anything.”

“That makes two of us, love. But this is fast, especially given human custom. What I’ve told you tonight is a lot to process and I need you to be sure. There’s no going back once a mating bond has been sealed so we can wait as long as you need. The full moon this month is tomorrow, but I would wait forever for you.”

“And if I don’t want to wait?” Emma asked, her heart pounding so loudly at even the thought of mating with him. She wanted it so badly, but she also felt the severity of his words. This was a huge step and an even bigger commitment, and that was something to at least sleep on for one night.

“I will always do everything in my power to see you happy, Emma. You have my word on that.” She nodded, glad for his loyalty and devotion that he made apparent with every word and touch and look he sent her way.

“I think I need to talk to my parents,” Emma confessed after a few moments of internal musing. “Or at least my Dad. But I do want this, Killian. Nothing you told me tonight changes how I feel. I knew that I would love you forever before I knew everything, and I still feel that way. I’ll always feel that way.”

“I trust you, Emma. More than I can say. If you say you’re ready then I’ll believe you, but have a night to think on it. Tomorrow if you feel the same, you will find me and we’ll be together, and if not I’ll still be here. I’m not going anywhere.”

“Let me guess, this is the part where you say goodnight,” Emma said, sighing in a dramatic way they were both used to by now. He was ever the gentleman, and though she knew they could spend the night together and not go too far, Killian would never dream of attempting such a feat. “There isn’t anything I can say to convince you otherwise is there?”

“Not tonight, love. I know it’s not easy, but it’s how it has to be. I can’t trust myself not to take all I want. I’m only so strong.”

“I get it,” Emma acknowledged. “I don’t love it, but I get it.”

“Soon enough it’ll be tomorrow,” Killian said, but then he tilted his head and adjusted his words. “I lied. It’ll never be soon enough. I want you every second of every day.”

Her heart melted at that and Emma pulled him in for another kiss, this one soft but slow and languid. It was peaceful but resiged, and still she hoped he could feel her love in it, because she really did love him. So so much.

“Until tomorrow then,” Emma said, trying to capture his slight lilt and Killian laughed shaking his head.

“Uh, no, love. If you think I’m letting you walk alone at night you have another think coming. I’ll see you home and safe, just as I always do.”

And with that, the two of them set out back to Emma’s house, where they did, regrettably part ways. But though she had so much more to consider and to talk about with her father, Emma knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that tomorrow they’d come together for real. It was time for them to be one – to be mated as he called it – and as she fell asleep that night, Emma’s dreams were filled with the magic Killian brought into her life, and hopeful visions of what might be when they were truly and totally together at last.

Post-Note: So there we have it – Emma now knows about shifters and true mates and pretty much everything. I have purposefully left some vagueness about how much of Killian’s past he has talked about though, mostly because the flashbacks haven’t revealed it yet. Regardless, next chapter will be important because it’s from Emma’s POV. She is going to confront her father and once she has all the info (which she, and we, definitely do not have) she will make her choice. Hope that you guys enjoyed the chapter and would love to hear your thoughts! Thanks so much for reading and have a great rest of your weekend!

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