#but overall i can't think of anything within this series' universe that could be more meaningful than two characters with a bond so strong-

[gummi-ships]

Okay now I really wish I did a better job writing this haha but I'm glad other people agree with me and find this interesting

[zmediaoutlet]

Survey results time.

At time of downloading the data we got just over 300 responses, which is not bad for a survey that was long and complicated to take! I'm sure my shamelessness helped. Being a survey for a specific crowd, we also didn't get anyone (as far as I could tell) taking the survey in bad faith, which is a legit surprise. Special shout-out to the several people who, when asked to write literally anything to say they understood what was going on, wrote "literally anything"; additional shout-out to the person who wrote "penus and hole" (sic). You get it, anonymous person.

I'm going to share the top results for the questions here, but I'll also include the raw data as a sheet at the end in case anyone wants to actually go through it with a fine-tooth comb. This is not a survey where cute pie charts or graphs would be useful or readable, so get ready for some sweet-ass numbers:

Story Genre

Unsurprisingly, our leaderboard for most favorite story genre in the 'Anytime!' category is as follows:

Hurt/comfort (153 votes)

Angst (142 votes)

PWP (139 votes)

We just like the guys to get the shit beaten out of them, angstily, and then they can feel better by jerking off about it. The ideal evening.

The big loser in genre, with 34 buds flat out saying "not for me", was Dark!fic. That said, Dark!fic also got 112 votes (third highest) for "has to be JUST right," so we can probably take from there that while as a group we don't hate dark content, we have pretty strict definitions for a) what counts as dark, and b) what kind of dark we're willing to take.

Gencest/gen was arguably the most 'eh, idk?' of the genres, with respectable showings in every category from Anytime to No; most people don't hate it, but people aren't really seeking it out either. It's definitely There.

Story Setting

The winner of most 'Anytime!' votes for story setting is close to my heart; the podium is:

Bunker era (142 votes)

Canon-close, codas, etc (129 votes)

Pre-series/weechesters (126 votes)

It feels good to know that canon is on our side. This may help explain why various alternate universe settings didn't do so hot with the respondents -- the least fave according to this survey is an age!swap AU, followed by a raised apart!AU. Writers who are making Sam the big brother who lives in Cleveland while baby Dean lives in Seattle, you keep living your truth, but readers are rearing back.

That being said, while Canon Divergence isn't an overall winner, it has a full 149 votes in the 'Dig it' category; so, while we may generally prefer canon, we're willing to be led on a garden path away from it. We just want canon to be within shouting distance, at least.

Canonical Character Variants

Here's where the survey gets more complex. I've always been interested in how and why people are fandoming about things, and simple 'yes/no' surveys rarely dig into that meat. The point of the superego/ego/id separation is to really interrogate -- hey, do you like to read about (for example) soulless!Sam because you find it interesting on a high-minded level, or because your heart-strings are getting tugged even if you think it's kinda dumb, or just because it makes you so hornt-up you can't think straight? All are valid, and all are possible simultaneously, but it's interesting to prod at to see how the interest is working. You might also just be like, eh, it's fine, or GOD, STOP, and that's fine too. So, with all that said:

Superego winners:

demon powers!Sam (202 votes)

soulless!Sam (177 votes)

blood addict!Sam (160 votes)

Y'all like to really brain about how Sam is fucked up. I get it.

Ego winners:

Trials of Hell!Sam (186 votes)

blood addict!Sam (180 votes)

demon powers!Sam (161 votes)

Still all Sam, and no surprise that his saintly pale sleeplessness is winning the heartstrings battle.

Id winners:

demon!Dean (205 votes)

demon powers!Sam (175 votes)

blood addict!Sam (165 votes)

Again, no surprise: fandom girlies (gn) love their bad boys, lol. Soulless snuck in at #4 here with 163, presumably because working out still wearing a belt was juuuust dorky enough to kick him off the podium; #5 was Smith & Wesson at 162, probably because if they'd been left in that AU for ten more minutes they would have been fucking over the top of Dean Smith's desk. Glad we're all on the same page, there.

The nopes here were an interesting mix. In the full-on No Thank You category we had Michael!Dean and Gadreel!Sam (with 52 and 53 votes respectively) -- it would be interesting to know if that was due to dread of the storyline specifically, or just how No Bad Wrong it felt to have it happening. These two also led the 'meh' category, although they were joined on the podium of bad by Endverse!Dean (128 Meh votes), which frankly shocked me. Y'all aren't into his thigh holster? C'mon now. Sure, he murders his friends without compunction, but -- thigh holster!

Story Tropes

These ones were fascinatingly all over the place, which is exactly why I wanted to do this. Going to just run down the S/E/I podiums real quick, then 'Hard sell', then No --

Superego winners:

Outsider!POV (211)

Someone Finds Out (191)

Mental health issues (190)

Ego winners:

Mutual pining (252)

First time (242) AND Sick/injured (242)

First time in a long time (235)

Id winners:

Jealousy/possessiveness (224)

First time (218)

First time in a long time (180)

Now, part of what's interesting about these is how they fall off in other categories. Outsider POV wins handily at Superego with 211, but then drops all the way down to 92 votes at Id -- which isn't nothing, but clearly it's preferred to have a heckin' think about how other people view the incest relationship, rather than thinking it's just So Hot that people might. Similarly, while people do think it's so so hot for one brother or the other (or both!) to be possessive at 224 votes, when it comes to the superego that drops right down to 134 votes, presumably as the brain wakes up and goes RED FLAG!

Entering the land of no thank you, we shall have two anti-podiums:

Real hard sell:

Infidelity (127)

magic/powers!Dean (125)

Unrequited/no relationship upgrade (110) AND "Carver Edlund" fandom

This is a much more mixed bag. Infidelity and Unrequited are no surprise here, because it Feels Bad, Man; magic!Dean also not really a surprise, given that most of our respondents prefer being closer to canon, and Dean is very much our mundane buddy in the show as presented. (A delightful buddy, but a distinctly nonmagical one.) Carver Edlund fandom makes me laugh mostly because it's such a bananas thing to exist in the show. Sam and Dean reading big bang fics about each other? Collectively we just... don't know what to do with that. Weird.

Squick/No/Maybe one exception:

Permanent character death (140)

Infidelity (108)

Eating disorders (102)

Again, no surprise in the anti-winners of 1 or 2 here, but number 3 surprised me, personally. ED fic used to be a pretty big wedge of common tropes that people would seek out. Perhaps it's gotten less popular over the years? Or perhaps just that the people who like it REALLY like it and so chat about it out loud, while those who don't quietly bury it in sand, lo as a cat does with their leavings.

Most extreme delta in 'general interest' (whether that be S,E, or I) to 'ehh' (whether that be Hard Sell or Squick) is first time. Y'all loooove your first time.

Sexy Tropes, Vol. 1

This is where I really wanted to know if people could pull apart their interests between brain and heart and guts. Hopefully people were honest, as requested. Some of them we know are slight liar answers, because the hits on AO3 tell a story that can't be refuted -- nevertheless, here's what people were willing to admit to.

Bulletproof kink/will read any version:

Bedsharing (158)

Incest kink (139)

Size kink (133)

your friendly neighborhood survey creator is jumping up and down going 'wooo' that size kink made the podium. also I hope everyone understood that incest kink meant, like, indulging in the incest of it all via 'oh you're so totes my brother and i want to suck your dingle for that reason specifically', but I realize that could've been clearer.

Easy sell/you don't have to work hard for me to enjoy:

shameless bottom!Dean stuff (151)

switching (147)

voyeurism (138)

the first one here genuinely surprises me considering what I see getting written most often; is this a case of just not being in the right venn diagrams, or the 'easy sell' just not matching up with what people are being sold? Curiouser and curiouser.

Medium sell/not my fave, but I can see how it appeals:

bad/awkward sex (120)

phone sex (114)

in [drug/alcohol] veritas (110)

edging into awkward town in a few ways here: we don't love these, but we can see how it'd be fun. or not fun, in the case of bad sex.

Hard sell/this is unbelievable or uninteresting so you have to work hard to get me to enjoy it:

always-another-gender!AU (84)

multiple Sams or Deans (73)

genderswap (magic) (72)

so, in general, we prefer to keep the penises around and intact, but just one Sam penis and one Dean penis, please. Here, I'm interested that the volume is much lower than in the top category: maxing out at 84 hard sells compared to 158 bulletproof options means that we're willing to give more of these tropes a chance, even if they're not our faves. How accepting we are!

Squick/no/maybe one exception:

always-another-gender!AU (83)

A/B/O elements (65)

multiple Sams or Deans (51)

strong overlap with the hard sell; and, keeping in mind that people were able to choose multiple options, it's possible that some of those were identical votes. Again, please keep the penises straightforward and only two at a time. A/B/O is interesting here, especially given what we know of how well it does on AO3; while it's a big squick for a lot of people, it also has decently high votes in bulletproof/easy, averaging 82 votes. Mixed bag!

Sexy Tropes Vol. 2, Electric Boogaloo

Bulletproof kink/will read any version:

Possessive/claiming sex (129)

Marking (hickeys/bruising) (116)

Hair pulling (103)

Let's glance back up at the Id winners in the story tropes above, hmm quietly to ourselves, and move on.

Easy sell/you don't have to work hard for me to enjoy:

Marking (hickeys/bruising) (135)

Hair pulling (130)

Possessive/claiming sex (121)

Well, that's boring. So let's expand so as not to be repetitive:

4. Dub-con (116) 5. Dom/sub (113) AND Underage (113) 6. Knifeplay (107)

There we go. Pretty easy to put all of those into one fic, too.

Medium sell/not my fave, but I can see how it appeals:

Blindfolds (128)

Painplay (116)

Shibari/rope play (112)

We're starting to lose interest as accessories come into play. Interesting to compare D/s and its relative success against painplay -- so, tell him what to do, but don't hit him while you're doing it. Fair enough.

Hard sell/this is unbelievable or uninteresting so you have to work hard to get me to enjoy it:

Fucking machines (94)

Vore (80)

Mommy!kink (77)

Entertaining mix here, haha. General feasibility may be rearing its head here. (Also, for my own entertainment: daddy!kink got 67 Hard Sell votes. People generally prefer to keep it as horizontal incest, not vertical incest.)

Squick/no/maybe one exception:

Feederism (164)

Vore (161)

Extreme underage (157)

No surprises here, although some fans of the nibbly variety of wincest may be disappointed by vore's poor placement. Note also that 'extreme' is in the eye of the beholder; we'll leave aside value judgments, as we have for the whole survey, and note that people are not indulging in a version of underage they find to be personally past the line, or at least are not admitting to that.

At a glance, the closest matchup between bulletproof for some and a squick to others is bloodplay, with just 1 vote separating the two categories: 44 bulletproof, 43 squick. Next time someone tries to tell you that 'everyone' likes or doesn't like something, please take it with an entire shaker full of salt.

Dynamic & Position Preferences

I tried to encourage people not to think too hard about this one and just answer on instinct. Who knows if that worked. But here are some overview takes:

Toppy/dominant: Sam takes the lead here, with 69% of respondents being in the 'Love it!' category. Nice. (217 votes)

Dom Dean earned a respectable 52% of 'Love it!' votes (163).

However, I was also interested to check out the inverse --

subby!Sam: 44 'Very no thank' votes (13%) subby!Dean: 27 'Very no thank' votes (8%)

It's interesting to leap way back up and compare that against 'shameless bottom!Dean stuff' doing so well in the rated E categories. Makes you ponder.

Actual sex position: Frequently switching takes the win here, with 61% of the vote (194 votes). Sam always topping edges out if people must choose, with 144 votes; Dean always topping is our lowest choice, with 112.

Service!topping: this is a fairly niche fic type, but it does still exist -- I guess in a world of bottoms someone's got to actually get up and do something, and it is hilariously an almost perfectly even split:

service!top Sam: 50.17% (151 votes) service!top Dean: 51.50% (155 votes)

A healthy percentage of people said they didn't care about these questions either way, and more power to them. However, they were wildly outvoted by those who did.

Multishipping Time

Our final categories are when other people get their grubby hands on Sam or Dean, either canonically(ish) or in our fandom activities.

Canonical relationships for Sam

Jess wins, quelle surprise. :) 161 people Dug It and who can blame them.

Amelia LOSES, shocking no one: 112 people said Fuck That.

Eileen was definitely a mixed bag; her results, in order, were: Meh: 92; Fuck that: 76; Worse than meh: 66; Dug it: 44.

Canonical(ish) relationships for Dean

Note here: it was too unbalanced if we only went with people Dean officially dated. However, the show leaned hard into a few unrequited male relationships for him, which we included here, and no one sent me hate about it so I guess that was fine.

Benny wins the Love It! category with 129 votes, barely edging out Cassie at 122. Benny is best boy, so that fits.

Cas loses with a full 99 Fuck That votes, which is probably what we'd expect from a wincest survey. That said, he also got 93 Dug It votes, so it's a pretty balanced showing.

Poor Lisa sits firmly at Meh with 148 votes. It's not that we hate you, Lisa; we just don't really know what to do with you. Which is pretty much how the relationship went in the show.

Shipping Sam like FedEx

We returned to the S/E/I model for shipping as we did for tropes, because it means something very different to go 'oh sure, I can see how that would be interesting' vs saying 'I want them to fuck rawnasty and I don't care why they're doing it.' Apologies if I left out your favorite side-ship but, shit, there's only so much time in the day.

So, we return to the podiums:

Superego:

Ruby (132)

Rowena (121)

Cas (102)

Ego:

Rowena (121)

Cas (106)

Ruby (90)

Id:

Ruby (125)

John (121)

Rowena (118)

So that was going on sedately until Dad came in like a hammer. Fascinating. On the other hand:

No:

Lisa (234)

Donna (222)

Claire (219)

Interesting to me that these three are ladies that Sam theoretically could have got up in but people are not into it, regardless. This is slightly different to Dean's 'no' category -- spoilers for three inches of screen space!

Dean, Shipped by UPS

Superego:

John (129)

Benny (115)

Lisa (99)

Ego:

Benny (134)

John (116)

Lisa (102)

Id:

John (147)

Benny (128)

Crowley (114)

Well. That tells a slightly different story, ahem. Enjoy the various tropes that will be applied, Dean! And then we get:

No:

Amelia (245)

Kevin (223)

Gabriel (217)

Comparing to the Sam 'no' above -- these three are slightly more 'traditional' Sam ships, though the wincest shippers are nevertheless not into them for Sam, either. Dean literally never spoke to or saw Amelia on screen, so it'd be a determined shipper who'd make that happen. Not undoable, though!

Conclusion

Syke: there isn't one to be made. This really shows how diverse the taste is in the wincest community, or at least in the wincest community that a) happened to see this survey over the last five days and b) bothered to take it. This particular group leans slightly toward e.g. toppy Sam, or slightly toward switching, but when you look at raw numbers what you see is that at least one person LOVES every single one of these things, and at least one person fucking HATES every single one of these things, and so -- so what? Write what you want. If you see a niche of something that you love where you feel like not enough people are writing or reading, try to fill it. If you're worried "no one" will like it, well -- you're wrong. Someone will. It just needs to get seen by the right people.

That's where fandom comes in, to spread the love even if something isn't bulletproof for us -- reblogging a post to say, 'hey, my mutual made this thing, look at it!' What a joy it'd be if someone saw it and loved it to absolute shattering bits, and then found their little bulletproof community, and happiness was made. What's the point, if we're not making each other happy.

Thanks for participating if you did, and reading all this if you did. Here's a link to a google sheet (read only) with all the tables of raw data if you're interested. I'll post some of the more entertaining fill-in answers later.

s&d shipping survey results: November 1, 2023 - Google Sheets

[oddmawd]

For the 35 questions, can I ask you about numbers 8, 9, 12, 19, 21 and 25? Thanks! *sends hugs*

8. Which character(s) do you find easiest to write?

i don't find Doffy or Smoker to be particularly difficult? once i outlined each story and determined their motivations, it's been easy enough to keep them on track in terms of characterization and development (though i was intimidated by doffy early on)

also Brook in The HΩuse on Rumbar Boulevard has been a joy to write, he's a breeze and SO MUCH FUN

9. Which character(s) do you find most difficult to write?

i've been poking at a Marco (One Piece) fic and tbh he's tough, it's hard to nail his demeanor and speaking voice (i refuse to add 'yoi' all over the damn place when writing in english LMAO)

also Kurama (YYH), but not because i personally have trouble writing him per se...i just have a very specific characterization of him in mind and it's pissed people off before (like bro people are SO PRECIOUS ABOUT HIM!??? wtfffff)...i have felt self-conscious about my plans for him in The Sight Unseen as a result...also the OC i've paired with him isn't the fandom's normal OC archetype for a kurama fic and i've gotten the rudest fucking comments about it saying Rei is not "special enough" for him LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO.........it's wild what people find acceptable for this fictional blorbo (like they think they can somehow dictate which OCs are 'allowed' or not) but you do you booboo, live your truth, LMAO

12. Tell us about a WIP you’re excited about.

oh god how long we got? LMAO

i've been posting lately about The Art of Queen Sacrifice, my upcoming Doffy/OC fic...it takes place in an AU setting that's more in line with a historical pirate setting, with no Devil Fruit powers, and i'm really eager to show it to you all....OBLIGATORY MOODBOARD REPOST:

i also have a ton of OCCULT PIECE stories to share...i have fics planned for Marco, Katakuri, Shanks, Mihawk, Pedro, Crocodile, Buggy, Sabo, and many more...i just love exploring the lore of that gigantic AU, and every story is a new opportunity to map out new connections and the history of the modern, urban fantasy AU setting

19. Do you prefer canon-compliant, AUs, or something in-between?

it's one or the other and NO in-between at all

i love writing canon compliant shit...There's Fire and The Grasp of Gilded Strings are both as canon compliant as they can be considering One Piece is unfinished, and i designed both stories to fit seamlessly with canon without disrupting it...i want them to read as additional side-stories that complement the canon, and for both of them, i'm achieved that (though of course future Smoker or Doffy developments during or post-Egghead, which is where we are now in canon, could derail my plans)

tbh, setting things post-canon for complete series is my overall preference when remaining canon compliant...canon can never "unmake" anything i write when the series is complete, and i used to write exclusively for completed series before falling in love with One Piece

on the opposite side of the spectrum, OCCULT PIECE is a clear indicator of how much i love completely AU settings...i love making my own playground within the bounds of fandom <3

21. Favorite pairing to write for? (platonic or romantic!)

i don't write pairings of canon characters, so OC/CC is my preferred pairing to write (and read)

25. Have you ever daydreamed about side adventures/spin-offs from your fic? Tell us about them!

SO MANY OMFGGGGGG

the entire OCCULT PIECE world is alive in my head and i daydream about it constantly...i think Sanji is at work in the Baratie restaurant in the OCCULT PIECE world and he occasionally serves meals to the couples in the OccP universe, so it's funny to think about him serving Zoro and the Witch on a date

i think about Rei and Kurama going dancing a lot...also i headcanon that she's the OC in The Hunt sometimes, and if that story is their married life, i can't help but think about what she and Kurama got up to on their honeymoon LMAOOOOOO...planning on writing that one down someday because it's gonna be 🔥

also i daydream the conclusions of There's Fire, Beyond the Fracture and Gilded ALL THE TIME, i've basically lived out those stories a million times already LMAO

FIND THE "35 Questions for Fanfiction Writers" LIST HERE

[asleepency]

Fionna & Cake Ending Theory

Alright so since this is the last night before Fionna and Cake comes to an end, I thought I would try my hand at some honest to god Media Analysis™ on the themes of F&C and what that could mean for its ending in 3 hours

My thesis statement is that the theme of F&C is that you must make happiness with what you have, and not cling to the happiness of the past. This is supported by the protagonists' motivations/stories as I'll explain below.

Fionna's wish and surface-level motivation over the course of the series is to bring back the magic to her universe, it is established very early on that her reason for wanting this is because she is depressed with her boring normal life and she wants adventure and excitement, and just to get away from mundanity in general.

Simon's wish and surface level motivation is a bit more complicated. Obviously he wants Betty back, but if I were to guess where the series is going and the overall message, I would say that this is only his surface level motivation. Not to say that his love for her is surface level or anything, but if I were to wager what his true motivation is, I think that he wants companionship and a sense of normalcy contrasting Fionna's desire for the abnormal. Especially considering the fact that the show is clearly going for the angle that Simon and Betty's relationship wasn't all that healthy, and that Betty is basically dead and Simon needs to grieve and move on.

So with Fionna, as she's starting to learn, magical adventures may not be as simple as she thought, and she will probably discover that she doesn't need to live in a magical world to find adventure and excitement, she can make both in the world she lives in. As for Simon, looking back at the original series, and even within this series, Simon is always happiest when he has someone to take care of, even as the Ice King the earliest moment we see happiness from him is the episode where he "fathers" NEPTR and sheds a tear thinking about having a son even if it's a short-lived moment. Then of course there's Simon and little Marcy. But even in F&C itself, he seems calmest when he's being a father figure to Fionna, talking to the Farmworld kids, or cradling baby Finn calmly even when Bubblegum has a knife to his throat. So much so that people have picked up on it and pointed it out. I think he will find his companionship by having a child to care for. I don't know if it'll be baby Finn or maybe Astrid, but if I were to put money on it I would guess that's the end of his arc.

Some odds and ends that I couldn't really fit into this theory includes what's up with Cake? Because like, I feel the direction the show is going is leading to F&C's universe staying normal, but that doesn't seem fair to turn Cake back into a housecat. And the other thing is Winter King. When Winter King is reminded of Betty by Simon, he recalls her as not that important. Which itself seems to be an important detail for the writers to have included. My guess is that WK, like Simon, has a need for companionship. Still, instead of obsessing over Betty and getting her back, he focused that energy on Marceline, and that led him to create ice Marcy out of his inability to move on from Marcy not being in his life, similar to how our Simon can't move on from Betty being in his life.

I could be completely wrong though, thats the fun part, I just thought I'd take a crack at some media/character analysis. I was thinking about making this into a video, but it spiraled into a whole character analysis of Simon/Ice King. If anyone is interested in watching that, maybe I'll finish making that and post it here.

[unproduciblesmackdown]

yea.... 😭😭😭

now my logical followup is rewatching rogue one for the first time since seeing it (multiple times) in theaters i believe? Will i cry a lot, which i am always prone to do w/media & things but all the more so lately, it seems

[unnursvanablog]

Doctor Who, series 14 / tv show review

This is a mostly spoiler free review of the new season of Doctor Who

The Doctor, despite being the title character of the series, is not really what the story is about. It's about the people he takes with him and how they grow and prosper, how their view of the world changes, and all the changes they go through on their journey through the universe, where even someone who is considered insignificant in their own life learns that they are indispensable as we all are. They are the emotional anchor of the show, the viewer's point of view, and Doctor Who has slowly lost sight of that over the years. Whether it's with the latter part of the Moffat era where the focus was on monsters and the Doctor as one of the most terrifying monsters in the universe or the Chibnall era, which had no sense of direction to his stories and could not write compelling characters so save his own life.

This new shiny version of Doctor Who seems to be trying to get back to the core of it, the characters and the adventure and the messiness of humanity, but it's happening very slowly. All the episodes have a very clear theme or message, which is very good. The episodes aren't as lost within their own narrative and know what they want to say, but things take quite a long time, and each episode doesn't work connected enough to form a single whole or like they are truly working together towards something. An emotional arc or a mystery.

The metaphors may often be a little on the nose, but Doctor Who has always tried to create stories for all ages to enjoy so that can be understandable. But each story makes you think, wonder about something, and each episode carries with it a long-lasting moment of thought and wonder after it’s over. And it's great to get that feeling back into the show.

Doctor Who, however, spends a lot of time on the mystery of Ruby Sunday, without saying much, and forgets Ruby as a person a little too often. She is cheerful and willing to do most things despite the danger, becoming a bit of a noble idiot at times, but the reason for all of her actions is never properly explored. Her relationship with her mother, or both of her mothers, is good but the show isn’t willing to dive too deeply into it. The mystery is almost hidden, so the story never does much more than scratch right under the surface of it.

The build-up and unraveling of the mystery surrounding Ruby is too slow, making Ruby miss some of her character moments because the storyline can't let her reveal anything too quickly. It hinders her emotional core as a character, which affects how the audience connects with her.

I don't feel like I really know Ruby. I think she's a decent character, but she's not really the emotional core for us in this series. She moves unnecessarily much with the plot and does not affect it enough except in two or so episodes. She's just there to talk to the Doctor, ready to put herself in danger for him, but that's sort of it. It is Ncuti instead who gets to bear the emotional core, but that may be because he has to sell us the role of the doctor, get us to know him and prove himself to the audience.

This Doctor, who is often recklessly optimistic, yet so frustrated with people who never seem to be able to do exactly the right thing in any situation, often refers to Ruby as his best friend, but the story doesn't necessarily make them bond enough for that to make sense. Unless the Doctor is just so dependent on those who travel with him, which has been a theme with so many Doctors, that he just talks about everyone as his best friend because he is so lonely and afraid of losing his empathy without them. Which is a good emotional core for a character and I think Ncuti really manages that well. There is sadness beneath the surface, and it shows in all his interactions.

The overall arc or mystery reveals itself to slowly, probably because the first half of the series is much weaker than the second. And it could be due to some restrictions from Disney who seem to want things to be colorful and fun, yet simple and easy. But also because we only get eight episodes to explore. There is some boldness going on with the increased diversity of characters, which annoys some, but even with the fresh air it brings to the series some of it seems a little too Disney-fied or maybe just stream-fied as it feels like it's trying to follow the 8 episode streaming formula.

The show manages to be the finest entertainment with these whimsical little journeys and Doctor Who is trying to get back on its feet - which takes such a long time, and yet it feels like the show is in a rush, because it has to cram so much stuff into 8 episodes. It's trying to push it's boundaries further and try to breathe fresh air into the story to get new audiences into the show. It is an eccentric yet sympathetic story, but despite the cool special effects and sets, the budget and the fun adventures and the likeable characters, I think the story lacks a bit of focus and depth at times.

I wish the overall mystery and all that was better structured, sharper, because the is a warmth and a heart there in the narrative – even if there are times, the humor is a little too silly for me but there were fart jokes in the first Davis Doctor Who era as well. Because when she show get's going it really is very good tv. But the unevenness and almost hesitation in the beginning makes the story lack an essence of suspense or danger for a bit. I had a good time, some of these episodes were great Whovian episodes and the series goes out with a bang and it's the most fun I have had in ages with Doctor Who, but my interest did not reach the same heights as in the old days.

[etoilesdephan]

Ubi sunt qui ante nos fuerunt? (Chapter 22: Paulatim ergo centre)

A/N: So I just wanted to say that the next chapter is going to be the last chapter of this series and I hope that you will enjoy the ending when it comes next week :') Thank you for sticking with this till nearly the very end already <3

Chapter masterpost

Chapter words: 2.6k

Overall words: 57k

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Trigger warning: Some panic/anxiety, nightmares and self-harm

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“N-no--”

Shifting and muttering were the first to resonate to Dan through the sleep and in the drowsiness of it all, he almost assumed that it was just some weird lucid dream at first. Instead, unfortunately, he knew better already, and he forced himself to wake up, though his brain was struggling against it, still not prepared for the transition from sleep to being awake.

“P-please--” The muttering continued, desperate and so slurred that it barely made sense. It was only the fact that Dan was so close that allowed him to make sense of the words.

Suddenly, the whole bed shook when Phil began to toss, more restlessness in every movement, the hands gripping at the shirt, crumpling and pulling at it while beads of sweat were forming on the pale forehead, the freshly redone fringe plastered to it.

“H-hey,” Dan's voice, hoarse from sleep still, cracked trying to speak. He extended his arms, attempting to push himself upwards, only to clumsily fall with his face against the pillow when he failed to find balance fast enough. His blanket was wrapped around his tightly like a cocoon, too, restricting his movement, and he fell like a log.

It was tiredness that pulled at his eyelids, many nights interrupted by either of their horrors, that made him want to give up. Instead he knew that he wouldn't sleep calmly until Phil did too, though a lot of anxiety was caused by the awake body when it lied too close. A lot of wounds were fresh still and he knew that he'd have to push through by force, if necessary.

“Phil, come on, wake up,” He finally found himself sat upwards, reaching out to shake Phil awake, to try and pull the other man out of the nightmares again.

“Get off me!” The yell was louder than anything Dan had experienced till then, and suddenly he felt himself shoved backwards. The impact was strong enough that he slipped off the edge of the bed, too tangled in the blanket and too sleepy to catch himself before it was too late. His lips formed a swear when his tailbone connected with the bedroom floor and the feeling sent a jolt throughout the length of his back. The pain caused stars to spring out into his vision and it took a moment to blink them away.

All the while he could hear incoherent murmuring - at first more frantic, only to slowly cease into silence filled only with heavy breathing.

Dan stayed sat on the floor, trying to blink away the remaining dancing whiteness in his vision. A ghost of pain expanded from his back, a memory landing one punch after the other, and his skin burned where Phil's hands had pushed against Dan's side and arm.

He tried and tried to push the feeling away, to remind himself that it was not bound to happen again.

Stanley was in high security by now; Dan's testimony in the court had been enough to ensure it.

But it still haunted him. Not only from within but from the outside now too, where far too many familiar faces were present to hear him pronounce the words shakily, explaining what had happened, what could have happened. There were glances sent his way when they thought that he couldn't see, full of pity, and words vary of potentially coming close to reminding Dan of what had happened.

He hated it. They made things worse than they had been already, though he never imagined that anything could, still.

“Dan?” A faint, filled with the remaining bit of frantic, voice called out for him and slowly he was drawn back to the reality and he could finally see the silhouette of Phil, sat up and looking around in search of Dan.

“Right here,” Finally disentangling from the blanket, Dan pulled himself up and it was without looking that he knew that there were eyes on him. He hated the feeling of being observed silently, like if one needed to think hard and long about what was safe to say. And it made him even more uncomfortable when vulnerable out of sleepiness.

He tried to fight the feeling away and wrapped the blanket tightly around his shoulders as he took a seat on the edge of the bed. He tried to make sure that Phil knew that Dan was here and that he was willing to take on and help with whatever the other was bearing.

Because through it all, Phil had made him feel safer, even through all the nightly terrors and the daily reminders of how not fine they both were.

“You know that he won't be coming back again,” Dan murmured gently, watching how Phil rubbed at his face with the hem of the sweat-soaked shirt, a bit too vigorously but it wasn't frantic and that was better than some nights.

“I know,” There was a rough, teary quality about Phil's voice when he responded, and the lack of belief was too evident. Dan just reached out with his hand to touch Phil's arm lightly, an attempt to reassure the older man, and an attempt to feel that warmth and familiar softness beneath his fingertips to reassure himself, too.

It felt like their peace was a single fragile entity, and every time it was mended, it was for them both rather than for one at a time.

Gingerly, Phil began to move again, stripping the soaked piece of clothing off and tossing where the laundry basket was overflowing already.

“Shower?” It was like a routine by now, but he still narrated through it in a familiar manner, where Phil would merely nod and ask for what time it is.

It was 3:29am.

It didn't really matter to either of them.

I was as if a mere formality to understand where they stood in time.

The water was running.

Dan stirred two cups of tea, the steam curling up in the air slowly, the pattern of the night too familiar for Dan to even care to try and create images in the rising curls anymore. The blanket still secured around him and dragging uncomfortably on the floor, he made the two small trips to bring the cups to the table, and sat down.

The water kept on running.

And it kept going.

The steam disappeared from the surface of the two drinks and only when Dan took an absentminded sip did he realise that his drink had gone lukewarm.

And that the water in the shower was still going, endless like the numbness Dan's mind had fallen into.

“Phil?” The blanket slipping off his shoulders as he rose up, Dan tentatively knocked on the bathroom door.

Instead of an answer there was just a small, broken sound.

Prompted by his gut, Dan didn't question again, instead pushing the door open, thankful that there was no lock to it. The whole room was so warm, so humid with the hot steam rolling from the shower.

“Oh Phil,” Dan's heart broke a little more when he noted the tall man curled up in the corner of the shower. He turned off the water, unconcerned by how his long-sleeved shirt was getting splattered with water droplets, and without the water blocking the way anymore, he stepped inside the shower cabin, kneeling next to where Phil was sat.

“Come now,” He tried to pull him up but Phil didn't comply, instead curling up a little bit more, the water droplets running down his face in reminisce of tears but they both knew that they had exhausted theirs “Phil, come on, you'll get sick.”

“I'm so scared,” The whisper was low, but Dan caught it anyways. It made him ache more.

They had confined in one another for years yet it was so rare to hear this sort of defeat. It was like the world had finally won, the wrath of the universe infinitely more powerful than either of them could ever dream of being.

“He's gone, you made sure that he's locked away,” Dan promised, reaching out to wrap his arm around Phil's shoulders though the moisture soaked through the fabric of his clothing, making him shiver slightly.

“I know,” Almost like in a deja vu the answer followed, but the air was heavy with the unsaid.

“What then?” Dan gently prompted, his head swimming a little with the tiredness, making the words even more exhausted on his lips.

“I'm...” Phil trailed off and wrapped his arms around his knees a little tighter as goosebumps appeared on the pale limbs, making Dan want to draw him in closer. And he did. Despite the feeling, Dan slowly leaned against the wet wall and sat onto the floor, and though his pajamas were ruined for the night, it was one of the unimportant things in the night.

Seated side by side, they breathed the steamy air, the heat exchanged by the cold rolling in through the door that Dan had left open. Finally, Phil took the invitation of the arm around his shoulders and leaned into Dan's side, releasing a shaky breath as he did so “I'm afraid to fall asleep,” Dan felt the shiver that ran through the entirety of Phil's body at that and he drew him in closer, rubbing his hand over the other man's arm in an attempt to soothe and to keep him warm.

“I can't…. It feels like….” Phil tried to go on but the words kept failing him. He swallowed, and Dan could hear it, leaning in to kiss the wet mop of hair encouragingly “That nothingness….. Dan, it's so terrifying...”

“You're not going anywhere,” Dan assured and squeezed Phil a little bit to emphasise it “You're alive and healthy. I'm not letting anything hurt you again, to take you away,” And though both knew that it was only the temporary and the mortality would catch up on them eventually, there was some comfort in those words.

Differences happened, but leaving them unsolved was what had turned their lives into this mess. Now they knew better, how it was to live, how they were supposed to do it right.

If only they weren't the way they were now.

“Come on, you'll catch a cold like this,” Finally Dan pulled them both up and lead Phil out of the shower cabin, grabbing one of the fluffy towels as he began to dry Phil's hair gently. The other man swayed a little, the tiredness beginning to catch up on both gradually, but he allowed Dan to finish dabbing at his skin until he was dry enough.

A fresh dry towel wrapped around Phil, Dan sent him back to the bedroom, watching as the older man complied with his head nodding a little too much in the agreement “I'll come soon,” Dan promised when Phil paused in the doorway and looked up questioningly “I promise.”

He watched as Phil disappeared before he pulled at his wet shirt, peeling the fabric off his body and dropping it on the drying rack carelessly. He was about to do the same with the bottoms when he heard the soft gasp behind him.

“Phil, what--” Instinctively Dan tried to bring his hands up to cover his chest and arms though he had once grown so comfortable being shirtless around Phil.

Now he had something that he was ashamed of again.

“I forgot my bottoms,” A hand was motioned in the direction of where the pair of pajama bottoms had been left. Dan only gave Phil a small nod to that, unsure of what to do, for his shame was already out in the open like it hadn't been before yet. Hands wound around his torso, barely doing anything to cover the angry lines and the dotted irritation of skin that was still healing from all the scratching.

He hated them, willed his hands to stop, but there had been some release in pushing through the first discomfort, and allowing the redness bloom beneath his skin till it reached a bruise-like quality. It made him feel calmer though his heart would continue to race, but the tingling sensation and the pinch of pain felt like they justified it better than any of the anxious dreams and thoughts ever could.

“N-no,” He muttered, voice wavering, when Phil inched closer, and suddenly he felt more vulnerable than ever. It wasn't a fearful vulnerability and more that full of shame and he tried to step away when Phil began to crowd his space. He wanted to turn his back, but he couldn't and instead he hunched more, trying to hide away by curling in on himself.

A light caress of fingers trailed the lines on Dan's shoulder and his breath got caught in his throat. He squeezed his eyes shut, feeling the water-wrinkled fingertips continue their trailing across his skin almost as if begging for forgiveness. They touched the shoulders, the arms, the sides with the utmost gentleness and with every loving caress Dan felt more and more guilty that he'd caused them.

He knew that these scratches were of his own doing and that he had to stop, and yet he couldn't help but to feel like they belonged there and new ones had to crowd his skin as soon as the others would begin to fade.

The touch to his chin made his whole flesh burn with fire and he tried hard to not flinch away from it. Eyes snapped open, his heart rate increased, and his nails lightly bit into the bare skin again almost as if he was clinging on the edge of a cliff.

But it was peaceful, strangely.

Lips found his forehead and his eyes fell shut for a moment again before he reopened them when he felt Phil's forehead press against Dan's after the lips had gone away. Blue eyes were full of distress and they were so, so tired, the usual joyful play of the different hues in the irises - faded. Their noses touched lightly as they stood there, not speaking for a while, but it wasn't speech that they needed now, and both knew.

Tentatively Dan leaned in and brushed his lips over Phil's. There was fear in that little movement and their eyes remained open, speaking silently in tides of push and pull of emotions they were struggling with, the questions left unspoken yet were answered just as mutely.

When they pulled away, he soon leaned in again, allowing himself to relax a little more, to let his body melt a little more into the kiss as the two mouths moved warmly against each other.

Warm. That was all it remained, the heat controlled within their hearts and it was before long that they pulled apart, still standing there with Phil's hand against the side of Dan's neck and Dan's arms wrapped around himself still.

But they were close. Closer than for a while, the bare skin of their chests radiating heat in the close proximity, strong enough that one could almost cut it, if they tried hard enough.

“We need help,” Unwillingly, the words found their way to his slightly reddened lips where he could still taste Phil's own “We really need help.”

”I know,” Phil's breath ghosted his mouth, tempting Dan to lean in again and breathe it in the same way long nights had allowed him before. He found it hard to push himself though, as though he craved the feeling, he was also afraid of it and could feel it in the slight quiver of Phil's breaths, too.

It was like they were stuck in that limbo between knowing that their abusers had been locked away for good and knowing that for now they were locked with them still. It was like the marks on their body were more permanent and deeper than the scars, and it was too far gone for them to fix it.

Yet neither wanted to go down and give up.

Not yet.

Not when they had the chance to fight for resurfacing.

Together.