#but once they break the ice they're good as gold

[mithrilhearts]

Please may I request, Barduil treat, for the Trick or Treat writing prompt?

Yes!!! Absolutely my friend, you can!! Goodness, I've not written Barduil is almost a YEAR, and let's just say, I wrote three different things for this, didn't like them, but have settled on some good ol' modern au!! I went a little above that 500 word mark, but I couldn’t stop myself. I hope you enjoy it!!

Bard hadn’t realized just how much time had passed since he’d gotten saddled up at the bar after his shift. Working the docks made for a tiresome work schedule, and with his kids nicely nestled in the homes of others for various sleepovers, it meant time wasn’t of great importance. It was one of those rare weekends where he was without his children, much as he loved them, but being a single father of three was tiresome. Just as it made him feel secluded from the outside world.

A careless evening of sitting at the bar, sipping away some drinks and munching on food he normally would have taken home, but something kept him rooted to his seat. Or rather, someone, but that didn’t matter. He had nothing but time.

He’d seen the blond in here a time or two, typically with a glass of red wine in hand, and he oozed elegance. There was just something so proper and so pristine about the man who Bard didn’t even have a name for as he kept stealing glances from across the room. Was it the long blond hair that had him ensnared? Those captivating blue eyes? Or perhaps it was how the blond fellow practically glowed anytime he laughed.

It was always such a soft sound, drowned out by the sounds of a lively neighborhood bar, but Bard picked up on those sounds all the same. Once, he’d even made eye contact with the gentleman, and locking with those striking blue eyes had been a mistake. A flush of mild embarrassment rose high on the bargeman’s cheeks, turning back around to tend to his drink that he’d been nursing for the past twenty minutes, before it all led to empty disappointment. Save for a few ice cubes.

“Pathetic,” Bard huffed to himself, giving the ice in his glass a little swirl as he focused more on the cup than his surroundings, at least until the barstool next to his was scooted out, and a thin wine glass entered his peripheral vision. A wine glass filled nearly to the rim with red.

“I hope you don’t mind.” That calm and yet vaguely familiar voice broke through whatever concentration on anything else that Bard had, forcing the bargeman to look up from his empty glass towards the man he’d been ogling for some time now.

“Oh, no, please, go ahead.” It was the polite and friendly thing to do, though that focus on being friendly withered away in favor of confusion as another long stemmed glass appeared before him.

“Red or white?” The bartender asked expectantly.

“Excuse me?” Bard’s brows rose a bit as he shifted his hand to push the glass away. “I didn’t order this–”

“He did.” With a small nod signaling to the tall blond that had seated next to Bard, the bartender scooted the glass back. “So, what will it be, red or white?”

Bard bit the inside of his cheek for a moment as one brow arched, his eyes flickering between the glass and he who ordered it. “Red, then.” To better match his new company. As soon as his glass was filled and the two were left in silence, Bard finally found a few less fumbled words to leave his lips. “Thank you, that wasn’t necessary–”

“I know, I wanted to.” The blond took a sip from his glass, the crystal shadowing a bit of whatever small grin he was sporting. “Thranduil, and you’ve been watching me for a greater portion of our evening, Mister…?”

“Bowman,” Bard blurted quickly before clearing his throat. “Bard Bowman, and I wasn’t staring, there was a television right over your head, the game was getting good.”

“Mhm, who was playing?” Thranduil asked with an arched brow of suspicion. “Ah, no peeking.” Shifting a bit so that he could block Bard’s view, the dark haired man came up with no reasonable response, leaving Thranduil to chuckle lightly. “Don’t mistake my words, I’m flattered, not offended. If I was offended, I wouldn’t be sitting here buying you a drink of all things.” Mister Bowman was quite easy on the eyes as well if Thranduil did say so himself.

“That makes way more sense than being offended and trying to charm me with wine,” Bard sighed, rolling his eyes, but finding his faint laughter joined with that of Thranduil’s.

“Then it’s working.”

“What?”

“I’m charming you.”

Bard bit his lower lip for a moment. It was hard to argue that, especially considering the flush still on his cheeks and the butterflies roaring in his stomach that he hadn’t felt since his school years. “It’s nice to meet you, Thranduil,” Bard spoke while lifting his wine glass and holding it over towards the blond in a toast-like-manner. When Thranduil slowly complied with the gesture and their glasses clinked, Bard truly couldn’t have been more grateful for tonight’s fast-paced turn of events. “And yes, you’re charming me.” Easily.

And despite the fact that he wore confidence well, Thranduil himself had nerves fluttering about in his chest, and the fact that his bold behavior to do something about those longing stares from across the room bore fruit, made all those stomach knots worth it. “Well then, tell me about yourself, Bard Bowman. If you have the time, I’d love to hear everything.”

Luckily for both of them…

“I have nothing but time.”

[ryomens-vixen]

90s Boyfriend Toji

CW: Toji is a warning all on it's on, daddy kink, 90s Toji, mentions of drvg selling, smut, slight aftercare if you squint, hitting, etc.

Word count: 🤷🏾‍♀️ I don't know babes...

Good luck 🤞

Author note: thank you @blkkizzat for the nickname I really didn't know what to call him without being cringe af, I've never wrote for Toji so I hope this is kinda good I'm not too confident in this.

90sBF Toji who loves his son so much that he bought both of them matching gold chains, you could say they're almost like twins in a way, wherever Toji goes you'll definitely see megumi following behind him like the daddy's boy that he is. 

90sBF Toji who listens to artists like Notorious B I G, Tupac, DMX, Ice Cube, Ol Dirty Bastard, Nas, Sir Mix A-lot, and Snoop Dogg. 

90sBF Toji who's street name is “T-Raw” (thanks kali.) Almost all the ladies around his hood know him by that, even those he distributes Kush to, he just got it like that. 

90sBF Toji who'll only kick it with you if his son likes you, he's the most important person in his life. If megumi doesn't like you then it's a wrap. 

90sBF Toji who sells Kush for a living along with another side hustle of his… aka slanging dick, yes this whore of a man sells dick as well. 

90sBF Toji who usually picks up single moms around the corner store from his place. 

90sBF Toji who only lets the ladies that Megumi picks come over the house. 

90sBF Toji who won't settle down with anyone unless his son Megumi likes you which doesn't normally last long. Once you do something Megumi doesn't like you better hope you can fix it before he tells Toji. 

90sBF Toji who constantly makes Satoru Gojo and Suguru Geto babysit poor Megumi every time he's hauled off to jail. 

90sBF Toji who is almost always cellmates with his homeboys Shiu and Ryomen who of course nags him about whether or not he wants to see his son

90sBF Toji who's surprised by Megumi suddenly took a liking to you one day. Maybe he had mistaken you for another girl Toji use to fuck on or maybe he just thought “Woah pretty lady” and claimed you to be his new mom, but whatever his son wants, his son gets and Toji ain't arguing with that at all. 

90sBF Toji who started making you, a college student babysit little Megumi who continues to call you “mama” and you have no clue as the whether it's because Toji calls you mamas or if he genuinely thinks you're his mother, either way he's cute with an annoyingly fine ass father. 

90sBF Toji who's more into fuckin than he is romancing, but is willing to put forth the effort to keep you around more. 

90sBF Toji who leaves all his women begging for more, surprisingly he hasn't gotten anyone pregnant by now. 

90sBF Toji who constantly has to reassure you that you're the only one he's laying pipe on, he hates that you have to deal with the Plethora of heart broken obsessed women he's left behind.

 90sBF Toji who fucks you like he like he's trying to get you pregnant. “Fuck- that's some good pussy, Hah- Ngh—” 

“Fu— T.. To..ji! too much, too much!”

The more you begged him to slow down even just a little bit, the more he made it apparent that he wanted his dick in your stomach. God it felt like he was trying to break you- fucking you into the mattress. One hand on the back of your neck, the other on your frontal a fist FULL of hair mind you. It was intense. He wanted yet another orgasm out of you to cream and squirt all over him again, you needed this dick and he was going to give it to you all damn night if he had too. 

Oh did your moans and screams turn him on even more than that ‘O’ face you were making. No wonder everyone called him “T-Raw”. “Shut the fuck up, you've been teasing me with that phat pussy all damn day- Fuuughck—”  Toji said in an annoyed tone as he cocks a hand back and smacks a handprint onto your ass. 

“m'sorry daddy!”

“Nah.. Don't cry now, take this dick, take it mamas.”

Oh boy did he take you down through there, eyes in the back of your head, tongue hanging, tears forming at the corners of those pretty (e/c) eyes. What was this your fifth? Sixth Orgasm? How experienced was this man, this is what you get for fuckin with a grown man like him. There he was beating your back in, creamy white ring formed at the base of his cock from both your pussy juices and his cum fusing together, blunt in mouth. Where'd he get the blunt from? Don't know, but man was his dick good no wonder he had so many women flocking after him. The way he makes you feel it in your stomach was no joke he really knew how to fuck you right. 

90sBF Toji who didn't really fuck with college girl had you wrapped around his fingers… I mean his dick. It didn't matter where or when he wanted that pussy before your classes, after your classes, in your dorm room, his car, it didn't matter to him because he was a nasty old man. 

90sBF Toji who had you chasing behind him wondering where he was taking that dick, YOUR dick, was he gonna start slanging dick again? You didn't know but you felt just like those older women he'd Freak then leave.

90sBF Toji who'd reassure you that he wasn't fuckin anyone else by making sweet love to you. He doesn't need you acting crazy on him. I mean who else is going to watch Megumi besides Satoru and Suguru? 

90sBF Toji who gets a little annoyed when you show up blowing up on him about another woman flocking him again, he gets so annoyed that has to shut you up with cock in that tight throat of yours.

“Now tell me who the fuck do you think you're talkin to again!?” 

“Mmmf- Sowry—” 

“Can't talk with all that dick in your mouth can you, heh…” 

You did your best trying to take it all, but couldn't make it to the base of his cock without gagging and coughing. But that was nothing he couldn't fix, with a smirk on Toji's face he held your head down on his thigh and began to fuck himself into your throat. God did this nasty bitch enjoy hearing your ‘gluck gluck gluck’ sounds coming from you. This slutty man let out a deep bellowing groan at the sensation he was feeling in his groin. It was a tight, and warm feeling making his pace grow sloppier by the minute.

“Nasty ass bitch look at you , mouth full of dick fuuughck Im gonna— gonna c.. Cum-” 

Patting on his leg trying to signal him to slow down so you could breathe, if your face could visibly turn blue it would he was not letting up as he chased his own high. One strong thrust he came deep into your throat, god if he could put all that good dick in your kidneys he would. 

90sBF Toji who isn't too big on aftercare, but since he's down bad for you, then he might just indulge in it, just for you, only for you. 

90sBF Toji who after a good pounding throws a towel onto your body and praises you for taking him so well.

“Fuck, you take dick like a good lil bitch don't yah? What cat got yah tongue?”

“ since Megumi ain't trippin bout yah I guess you'll do for now .”

“How about you get cleaned up, come watch a movie with me.”

90sBF Toji who truly can't believe you're to put up with all his bullshit, even his homeboys think something's wrong with you.

90sBF Toji who hates bringing you over to Satoru and Suguru's place for boys night because it always end in a fight everytime Satoru thinks it's be funny to flirt with you.

90sBF Toji who hates that you have to remind him that you don't want him to end up in jail everytime they fight.

90sBF Toji who starts to grow a lil bit of a soft spot for you, so much that he starts to show you off to his old hoes.

90sBF Toji who randomly shows up to your college class to drop off YOUR son Megumi when Satoru and Suguru cancel on him, leaving all your homegirls to think you're a mother now.

Tags: @blkkizzat @littlemochabunni @honeeslust @gojos-thot-patrol-main @oreo-creampie @screampied(I was told to tag you) @halosdiary @connorsui (I was told to tag you) @biscuitsngravie

[theostrophywife]

azriel x bff!reader who make out randomly. not just once. like repeatedly. they make out during parties when they find a dark corner. when the ic is busy doing something and they find it boring. sometimes the ic finds them randomly making out. like full on make out sessions. but if asked they're like "we just friends, friends who kiss" or something like that.

just friends.

a/n: oh my god. listen this awakened something feral within me. hot steamy makeout sessions with az any time you want? god, could you imagine 😩 song inspiration: keep me on by noah guy.

you and azriel were friends—just friends, but that didn’t mean that you couldn’t kiss sometimes.

especially when the shadowsinger was so good at it.

you couldn’t even remember how it started. maybe during a night out at rita’s when you and az drank a little too much, danced a little too close, and got a little too flirty. you couldn’t recall who dragged who out of the pleasure hall for a breath of fresh air, but it didn’t matter.

as the warm, balmy breeze flowed through your hair, you’d leaned against the red brick wall, cheeks flushed and lips tingling with the sting of tequila, and azriel had come closer, caging you in.

maybe it was the alcohol, maybe it was the way the moonlight kissed azriel’s golden brown skin, but you couldn’t stop staring at his mouth. those pouty, seductive lips that had been pressed against your ear for most of the night, whispering sarcastic retorts and flirty remarks. gods, you really wanted to know what azriel tasted like.

“don’t do that,” az said, his voice rough and smoky. he was looking down at you, the first few buttons of his black shirt left open so you could admire the intricate tattoos swirling through the hard planes of his chest.

“do what?” you asked innocently, fluttering your lashes up at the shadowsinger.

swirls of brown and green flecked with gold seemed to pull you in as azriel’s gaze flickered over your face. "that," he tilted your chin up and you tried not to shiver as his rough, calloused hands brushed against your soft skin. “look at me like you want to kiss me.”

“so what if i do?” you bit your lip, meeting those glowing golden eyes. a small smirk graced your face as azriel took a sharp breath. “what are you gonna do about it, az?”

really, you should’ve known better than to tease the shadowsinger. within the blink of an eye, azriel’s lips were crashing into yours, soft yet firm, passionate yet gentle, dominant but still yielding as you twined your fingers through his hair to taste more, more, more.

your best friend hiked you up against the wall and the brick was a shock of cold against your skin as you pressed up against it, but you didn’t even care. you were too busy wrapping your legs around azriel’s trim waist to notice. you kissed and kissed, not once breaking away from each other even as the cement scratched at your exposed back.

and gods, when azriel teased his tongue between your parted lips, you completely lost it. he tasted like warm whiskey and spun sugar and you could barely keep up as your tongues danced together.

there was so much to explore—his mouth, his throat, his neck. you drank all of it in, peppering kisses where you could, getting your fill and more of the shadowsinger. it might've been minutes or hours later when you two finally peeled yourself off of each other, eyes wild and chests heaving as you explored this entirely new territory of your friendship.

since then, making out with azriel had become a regular occurrence. the two of you just couldn’t help yourselves.

azriel was a good fucking kisser and you loved making out with him every chance you got.

you and the shadowsinger were completely shameless about it too. it wasn’t unheard of for you to sneak off during an inner circle party to find some dark corner and completely devour each other.

one particular time during game night, you’d gotten bored of playing cards. as usual, azriel was wiping the floor with your friends. he was reclined in his seat with a slight smirk on his face and you fondly rolled your eyes across from him. while you were usually a good sport, your mind started wandering to other activities you’d much rather be doing with the shadowsinger. and so you’d dragged your foot along his leg, keeping a straight face as you pretended to be engrossed in the cards in your hands.

azriel nearly knocked his knee against the top of the table and cassian looked over at him with a raised brow. "you okay there, brother?"

the shadowsinger composed himself, his heated gaze flickering over to you before he gave cas a small nod. "all this winning is making me a little parched," he said with a smirk. "i say we break into rhysand's good wine. y/n, care to join me?"

you nodded, taking azriel's hand as he led you to the door leading to the wine cellar. nesta shot you a knowing look while cassian grinned beside her. "don't take too long or else i won't be able to resist the temptation of peeking at your hand, az," the illyrian general teased.

"we'll be right back," you assured your friends with a smile.

that turned out to be a complete lie.

you hadn't even taken two steps into the wine cellar before azriel was pulling you to his chest, lips pressing against yours. you sighed in satisfaction against his mouth as your best friend chuckled.

"really couldn't wait, huh?" az's voice was low and husky as he nuzzled his nose against your skin, peppering kisses against the hollow of your throat. "are you that eager for me, pretty girl?"

"i got bored of playing cards," you said, eyes rolling back as azriel sucked at your collarbone. "i wanted to play with you instead."

"yeah?" the shadowsinger teased, tilting your head back to allow him easier access to your neck. "you like it when i kiss you here?" azriel grazed the sensitive spot below your right ear with his lips, teasing and taunting. "or maybe here?" his lips moved across your jawline, tongue flicking wickedly as you took a sharp breath.

"az," you rasped, letting out a breathy moan. "stop teasing and fucking kiss me already."

azriel smirked in satisfaction, but obliged you all the same. he kissed you, rough and demanding, teeth clashing and tongues dancing as his hands roamed underneath your knit sweater. it felt intoxicating and no matter how many times you kissed him, it still didn't feel like enough.

you were absolutely greedy with it too, tugging at his hair, nipping at his neck, tracing the tattoos on his golden brown skin with your tongue while azriel groaned and shifted you to the side, nearly knocking over a rack full of expensive wine. you giggled as the glass clinked together, echoing through the spacious cellar.

"and you said i was eager," you taunted, pressing a hand against azriel's chest. "keep it down, az. unless you want the whole godsdamned house to hear us."

the shadowsinger only shrugged, pecking at your cheek. "why bother? it's not like they don't already know what we're doing down here."

that much was true. your friends had caught you in a compromising position more than once. in a coat closet. under a dark alcove. even tucked away in the kitchen pantry. at this point, they'd stopped acting surprised when they walked in on you.

you chuckled. "fair point."

azriel smiled and dipped his head lower, brushing his nose against yours. "now where were we, angel?"

his scarred hand wrapped around the side of your neck and he gave no warning as he slipped his tongue into your mouth, prodding and teasing, smiling against you when he heard your little gasp of surprise.

azriel loved how responsive you were. relished every breath and moan and sigh. savored the push and pull. adored the tugging and nipping and roaming. it was addicting and so were you.

he couldn't focus on anything else when you were in the room. even his shadows quieted, content to swirl through your wrists and ankles and hair. they were entirely distracted by you, which explained why azriel hadn't heard the footsteps or seen the light streaming in from the cellar door until lucien came into view.

the male hovered over the first step, confused and flustered as realization flooded his features. "sorry—they sent me down here to get more wine."

you grabbed the wine bottle closest to you and tossed it at the male. lucien caught it, his mouth opening and closing like a fish out of water. "that should do."

"thanks," he managed to stutter out.

azriel cut him a withering glare, his wing cloaking over you protectively. "do you fucking mind?"

the redhaired male shook his head and bounded up the stairs, carefully shutting the door behind him.

when you were sure lucien was out of earshot, you swatted azriel's arm. "did you have to be so rude?"

"no," az said nonchalantly. "that was purely for my enjoyment."

you rolled your eyes. "you illyrians and your possessiveness," you mumbled, latching your lips onto his neck. "don't worry, az. you'll always be my favorite."

the shadowsinger smirked in satisfaction. "damn right, angel."

an hour later, you and azriel emerged from the wine cellar with ruffled hair and swollen lips. and you'd forgotten to fetch the damned wine that you went down to the cellar for in the first place.

you walked into the living room just in time to hear lucien murmuring to elain, "i thought they were friends."

you snorted, making lucien flinch. "we are," you confirmed as azriel plopped down onto the couch, pulling you into his lap. "best friends." the shadowsinger grinned as you kissed his cheek. "that doesn't mean we can't kiss a little."

lucien looked utterly confused. he glanced around the room, meeting cassian's amused gaze. "trust me, it's better if you don't ask. i stopped trying to understand a long time ago."

you childishly stuck your tongue out at the illyrian general. "you're just cranky because az was kicking your ass at cards."

cassian raised a brow. "before you distracted him with your feminine wiles and gave vanserra over here a show."

azriel rested his chin on the crook of your neck, wrapping his arms around your waist. "lucien is free to watch," the shadowsinger said smoothly. "as long as that's all he does."

lucien choked on his wine as the rest of your friends laughed.

[ddollfface]

𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐆𝐢𝐫𝐥𝐬 𝐀𝐫𝐞 𝐅𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠…

𝗟𝗼𝘃𝗲𝗦𝗶𝗰𝗸!𝗙𝗿𝗶𝗲𝗻𝗱 𝘅 𝗮𝗳𝗮𝗯!𝗿𝗲𝗮𝗱𝗲𝗿 𝘅 𝗟𝗼𝘃𝗲𝗦𝗶𝗰𝗸!𝗕𝗶𝗺𝗯𝗼

"Sorry, I texted you when I was drunk...I just think about you all the time :(("

"She's my best friend, and, yeah, I might be in love with her, what about it?"

Trigger Warnings; talking about breaking into your house (it'll make sense later lol), hinting at yandere behaviors, fluff, somewhat gaslighting, reader is referred to as a girl, lesbians ig idk (is that a warning??) If I missed anything, then please let me know ♡ Just a small scenario about some new ocs! And they come as a pair btw! If you have any other ideas abt them, then request something! Or anything, I'm running out of ideas LOL-! Hope you have a good day/night <333

God, this is horrible...

It's always like this when it comes to them, it's like their water and oil, fire and ice, the moon and sun. They're constantly bickering and fighting, always pulling each others' hair, and there's never a moment where they're not insulting the other. For some odd, reason, which you don't know, they just hate each other.

No matter how many times you've tried getting them to settle this drawn-out dispute, they never solve it. If anything, it makes it worse. It causes them to just argue more and turn to you as the judge, making you choose between the two.

Now, you're stuck in this shitty situation, having to choose between two of your friends. Lovesick!Friend has always been there for you, sticking by your sick through thick and thin, comforting you when you got dumped, and helping you study when you were struggling in math. Lovesick!Friend is a little awkward, but she means well. She can't help if she's a little anti-social, if anything, it's endearing to you.

While, on the other hand, Lovesick!Bimbo has been nothing but a sweetheart, always introducing you to new people, though you suspect they're her ex-hookups. She's always helping you with your make-up, picking outfits, and being a funny companion. Lovesick!Bimbo, though she's an airhead, has a heart of gold and she'll never pass an opportunity to comfort you. She's always hugging your arm, kissing you on the cheek, and providing that feminine comfort.

But now they're putting you in this situation, having to choose between the two. That's the hard thing, you can't. You really can't imagine your life without either one of them. They're both great friends to you and it'd be pretty depressing if you had a fallout with one of them. And the situation hasn't lightened up; it's gotten worse. It's starting to become too big of a problem, one that you can't brush under the rug.

It's escalated to where they're "breaking" into your apartment, and you use that term loosely. As the two aren't even sneaky about it! They both just waltz into your home like they own the place! And all you get in return is a, calm down, I just want to spend more time with you, y'know? I mean, with finals week and all... or a, Come on, babesss!! We're, like, so close! There's no point in trying to get away from me!!

Both trying to spend more time with you. Though, when you think about it, you're not too sure how they got your keys 'cause you sure as hell didn't give it to them...

But that's beside the point, it's getting really irritating for you. You'll be coming home from a tiring day of work, only for you to find LoveSick!Bimbo asleep on your bed or rummaging through your clothes, which you're not too sure on what she's looking for. Or you'll find LoveSick!Friend cooking dinner in your kitchen. Once you even walked into the two having a full-on fistfight in your living room!!

And these little incidents lead to moments like this: where you're pressed between the two, stuck in a drawn-out cuddle session.

...

LoveSick!Bimbo had just stopped by, wanting to drop off some cupcakes for your mama, who was stuck in the hospital after surgery. Such a sweet girl she is, doing such a kind thing for you, though her excitement was cut short after seeing you and LoveSick!Friend lying on the couch. The two of you were far too close for her liking. Baby!!! What are you doing, cuddling without meee! Why are you abandoning me like thiss-!

LoveSick!Bimbo then threw a hissy fit. She stomped her sparkly heels and pursed her pretty lips, you could even see tears swell in her eyes. She set the cupcakes on the counter and ran over to the two of you. She pushed past LoveSick!Friend and squeezed herself between the two of you. She wrapped her arms around your waist, tucking her face into your neck, and holding you against her chest like her life depended on it. Of course, LoveSick!Friend wasn't having it. She tried pulling the girl off of you but to no avail. God dammit, you prick, get off of her!! You're gonna kill her!

LoveSick!Bimbo just held on tighter. She pressed herself against you, not wanting to let go. Not even noticing how her tits were right in your face, causing your mind to go fuzzy and face to flush. She even made a smug comment about how you shouldn't be afraid, babes, you can touch 'em if ya' want ;)

LoveSick!Friend scoffed, pushing against LoveSick!Bimbo's face, trying to push her off the two of you. She tried situating herself so that she was closer to you than LoveSick!Bimbo, but the other was stubborn, not wanting to let you up. The two proceeded to have a mini tug-of-war, with you being the prize. The girls shifted positions and moved you around, not seeming to care if they were groping you too much, until they came to an agreed position.

You were stuck between the two girls, lying on LoveSick!Friend, with LoveSick!Bimo pressed against your chest. LoveSick!Friend had her hands playing with your hair, giving you a free massage, while LoveSick!Bimbo was practically groping your boobs. Her face snug in your cleavage, your arms wrapped around your hips, foundling with your love handles. All the while, LoveSick!Friend pressed her face in the crook of your neck, pressing kisses on the junction of your neck and shoulder. You could feel her bouncy curls tickle your skin, causing you to squirm.

All this was too much, you were feeling too much in too little time. It was all overwhelming, having two, very attractive, girls cuddle up to you. And it feels wrong, feeling this way, seeing as they're your friends. But one can't control their heart...right?

It felt awkward; you really didn't know what to do, so you just wrapped your arms around LoveSick!Bimbo's shoulders, bringing her body closer to yours. This only caused LoveSick!Bimbo to squeal, tightening her grip on you and whispering small praises about how you're so frickin' cute! I could just eat ya' up! Love ya' and 'ur sweet curves! EEK-!

Only for LoveSick!Friend to grumble and tell LoveSick!Bimbo to shut it with the squealing, you're hurting her ears, you dimwit.

You could only chuckle at the scene. The constant bickering was growing on you, maybe this isn't too bad...

[oneatlatime]

The Desert

Alternate title: Gimme Appa back.

"But I believe, Aang can save the world." no pressure kid.

I had completely forgotten about these two chuckleheads. For once the 'Previously On' segment is useful rather than spoilery.

Ok Aang is going to get the world's biggest pass this episode, because he's in the suckiest of all situations. But even so, how exactly was Toph supposed to come and get them, when she was both actually blind for once and the only reason the library hadn't drowned them yet?

Aang has something of a history of running away. Does going after Appa count as running away from his friends?

Zuko's theatre kid tendencies are genetic.

The way Iroh said "What Now?" you know he was actually saying "fuck's sake."

Zuko's hair seems to grow very quickly. I thought that I could use his hair growth to measure time passing but this is not tracking. He barely had a buzz cut in The Chase and now he's fluffy.

Two things: a) this guy has eyes greyer than Aang this episode. b) He's cocking his hands like that ridiculous Henry Cavill scene from Mission Impossible where he cocks his biceps.

This guy's spear has piercings. And is coming out of a Dragon's mouth.

I don't know that I'd call these guys legendary. They're zero for two against an Avatar in Drag and two starving refugees with three functioning arms.

Doesn't Katara ever change out her water? Or even use it up and have to refill it?

I said it last episode, and I'll say it again: why did five people, a lemur, and a ten tonne sky bison travel into a desert famous for its desertiness with only a single water pouch between them? Admittedly, if they'd brought extra water and left it on Appa, they'd be having the same problem, but still...

Is a kids' show actually going to go there?

They actually went there!

Honestly if you're dying of dehydration in the desert, eating strange plants is absolutely the way to go. I'd rather trip my way into the afterlife than just shrivel up and die.

I love the way Aang's glider shadow moves over the dunes. Another one of those tiny details that the animators could have left out, but they didn't!

Sand benders must get crazy high speeds if Aang can't spot even a trace of Appa from up high. He wasn't Appa-napped very long ago.

Everyone go watch the scene where Aang blows up the mushroom cloud. Go right now I'll wait. And pay attention to Sokka's mouth. It does the wave.

His mouth does the wave and his arms do the worm. Someone really had fun this episode.

Zuko breaking the world record for highest number of Fire Nation wanted posters. Despite being the only person on that board who's unquestionably loyal to the Fire Nation. What a nice reward he got for his loyalty.

How is that one wrestler dude's hair so shiny?

Why, other than plot convenience, would Zuko and Iroh be at the Ice Spring?

I see now that the left hand shadow is Sokka with a Momo on his head. But for just a second I thought it was Ramona from Scott Pilgrim.

There are some really beautiful colour gradients in this desert.

"We won't survive without Appa." Well yes, but you have to try.

If this is a normal desert they're going to freeze their butts off overnight.

No comment. Just vibes.

Hey this is a Katara episode! Toph is blind, Sokka's zoinked, Aang's given up, so it's Katara time baby!

This episode has no business being this pretty.

"Sokka. I was there." I'd be very surprised if Katara's voice actress doesn't have an idiot older brother. That line was delivered a little too perfectly.

I'm not going to comment on every Sokka is high joke, but rest assured I'm finding them all hilarious.

Those drinks cost a gold piece each. Where did they get five gold pieces from?

Colour me shocked. The chuckleheads actually had a good idea for once.

Colour me shocked again! I vaguely predicted this!

Zuko. Honey. How are you this dim? He's so very good at missing exactly what's in front of him.

"Gold?"

Big muscles. No brains.

Very pretty. The sand texture is good too.

Well that was mean.

Passive aggressive glider deployment. Also how low is that cloud if Aang can reach it to bend it?

Aang is not shining this episode (understandably) but Katara is going from strength to strength. I NEVER would have thought that she was someone who could keep her cool under pressure like this. Happy to be wrong!

I have no idea if Sokka is going to remember or be aware of this epic trip he's on, but this is probably the best time he's had in months. Certainly since Yue died. He deserves this. Bad timing, but he needed a break.

"You must forgive my nephew. He is not an initiate, and is dumb as shit and incapable of reading the room."

Why is there a flower shop in the middle of the desert? What clients do they have? Obviously it's a front for this pai sho secret society thing, but why did they pick such a nonsensical front?

Toph has so much personality that it's easy to forget how tiny she is. Like a little gargoyle.

Sokka talking like a Greaser was the thing I didn't know I needed.

Poor Katara. Now you know how your brother feels every time he has to save your bacon from your weekly prison break.

I am losing my mind over these colours. Especially after The Library.

"I have a natural curiosity." I'm going to start using that.

Oops they found the circle bird nest.

Hey showrunners, you're going to take Momo from me too? You sure you want to do that? After last episode? Don't give me a pretty sunset with a latte swirl. Give me back Appa, put down Momo, or I'll sic Toph on you.

I do like Toph as a piece of artillery.

Turns out a combined Appa and Momo -napping is what it takes to get Aang to break his no killing rule. I now know how to defeat the Fire Lord.

The Audacity. Going to Ba-Sing- however the hell that's spelled. The sheer audacity. But then what? What's the plan after they get there? Just live the rest of their lives?

Rejected Mortal Combat guy.

You ever have one of those days where you do only your top lip?

Whoever made that door, and that lock - good job!

Nothing to see here, just making a delivery of two giant planters in the middle of the desert. The Owl decided to spruce up his entryway.

Y'all are fucked. Y'all deserve it. Aang has completely lost control. He's spent the whole episode losing it more and more and now he's gone completely off the rails. Has he ever zipped into the Avatar state that fast before?

Never underestimate the power of a woman who's fed up with everyone's nonsense. Just so fed up.

Well that was sad.

Badass name of the day: Malachi Throne, voice of a character whose name I don't recognise.

Final Thoughts

This was Katara's episode. I'm not going to forgive not getting Appa back, but Katara actually keeping a level head for once was an unexpected delight.

This episode was pretty unrelentingly heavy in the A-plot, which is why I don't understand why Sokka and Momo tripping worked so well. It did work, and I very much enjoyed it, but it should have stuck out like a sore thumb and it didn't. The beat up Sokka quota fulfillled from within by chemicals was a nice creative touch.

I am very happy to see Iroh take the wheel, although I'm not convinced there's a long term plan here beyond get food and shelter. Which, fair enough, goals tend to be short term and immediate when you're in dire straits.

This episode really stomped all over Aang. And then stomped some more. I was surprised how negative and shouty he was at the beginning, but by the end I was surprised how long it took him to lose it. Apart from his staff and his clothes, Appa really is all he has left from before he got frozen. That sandbender punk was rotten to the core.

So I guess we're going to the earth kingdom capital regardless of the eclipse information. Is the rest of the season going to be getting there? I also can't help but notice that it's where Iroh and Zuko are headed as well. Zuko could actively run in the direction opposite to the Avatar and he'd still end up tripping over him. The earth Kingdom is ginormous. And yet, like every two episodes Zuko runs into the Avatar. Is it fate? Is it plot convenience?

I should dislike this episode. It's 24 minutes of our faves getting beat down and not finding Appa, with a b-plot of Zuko being more oblivious than usual. I should dislike it, but I don't. This is definitely going on the rewatch list. It was a very pretty episode, which helped. Beyond that I can't put into words why I liked it, but I did!

[hellsite-hall-of-fame]

Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. {Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen. {Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes} What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb In the shape of an "L" on her forehead The years start comin' and they don't stop comin' Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin' Didn't make sense not to live for fun Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb So much to do so much to see So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets You'll never know if you don't go You'll never shine if you don't glow Hey, now You're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mold It's a cool place and they say it gets colder You're bundled up now but wait till you get older But the meteor men beg to differ Judging by the hole in the satellite picture The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin The water's getting warm so you might as well swim My world's on fire How 'bout yours That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored Hey, now, you're an all-star {Shouting} Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mold {Belches} Go! Go! {Record Scratching} Go. Go.Go. Hey, now, you're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mold -Think it's in there? -All right. Let's get it! -Whoa.

Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? -Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread. {Laughs} -Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint. Now, ogres - - They're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. -No! -They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. -Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! {Gasping} -Right. {Roaring} {Shouting} {Roaring} {Whispers} This is the part where you run away. {Gasping} {Laughs} {Laughing} And stay out! "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures." {Sighs} {Man's voice} All right. This one's full. -Take it away! {Gasps} -Move it along. Come on! Get up! -Next! -Give me that! Your fiying days are over. That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! -Get up! Come on! -Twenty pieces. {Thudding} -Sit down there! -Keep quiet! {Crying} -This cage is too small. -Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! -Oh, shut up. -Oh! -Next! -What have you got? -This little wooden puppet. -I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. -Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. -Father, please! Don't let them do this! -Help me! -Next! What have you got? -Well, I've got a talking donkey. {Grunts} -Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it. -Oh, go ahead, little fella. -Well? -Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - - -That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! -No, no, he talks! He does.

I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw. -Get her out of my sight. -No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! {Gasps} -Hey! I can fly! -He can fly! -He can fly! -He can talk! -Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Oh-oh. {Grunts} -Seize him! -After him! He's getting away! {Grunts, Gasps} {Man} -Get him! This way! Turn! -You there. Orge! -Aye? -By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility. -Oh, really? You and what army? {Gasps, Whimpering} {Chuckles} -Can I say something to you? -Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa! -Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. -Oh, that's great. Really. -Man, it's good to be free. -Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? -But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. {Roaring} -Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling} Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day. -Why are you following me? -I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone There's no one here beside me My promlems have all gone There's no one to deride me But you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends. -Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest. -Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I? -Uh - - Really tall? -No! I'm an orge! You know.

"Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you? -Nope. -Really? -Really, really. -Oh. -Man, I like you. What's you name? -Uh, Shrek. -Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that? -That would be my home. -Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. -I guess you don't entertain much, do you? -I like my privacy. -You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. -Can I stay with you? -Uh, what? -Can I stay with you, please? -Of course! -Really? -No. -Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please! -Okay! Okay! But one night only.

-Ah! Thank you! -What are you - - No! No! -This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles. -Oh! -Where do, uh, I sleep? -Outside! -Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. {Sniffles} -Here I go. -Good night. {Sighs} -I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm all alone There's no one here beside me {Bubbling} {Sighs} {Creaking} {Sighs} -I thought I told you to stay outside. -I'm outside. {Clattering} -Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune. -What a lovely bed. -Got ya. {Sniffs} I found some cheese. -Ow! {Grunts} -Blah! Awful stuff. -Is that you, Gorder? -How did you know? -Enough! What are you doing in my house? {Grunts} -Hey! {Snickers} -Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table. -Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken. -Huh? {Gusps} {Male voice} What? -I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy? -Aah! -Oh, no. No! No! {Cackling} -What? -Quit it. -Don't push. {Squeaking} {Lows} - What are you doing in my swamp? {Echoing} Swamp! Swamp! Swamp! {Gasping} -Oh, dear! -Whoa! -All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! -Quickly. Come on! -No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. -Oh! {Sighs} -Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them. -Oh, gosh, no one invited us. -What? -We were forced to come here. -By who? -Lord Farquaad. -He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice. {Sighs} -All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? {Murmuring} -Oh, I do. I know where he is.

-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all? -Me! Me! -Anyone? -Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me! {Sighs} -Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from! {Cheering} {Twittering} -Oh! You! You're comin' with me. - All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! -On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek. -Hey. Oh, oh! -I can't wait to get on the road again. -What did I say about singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Can I hum it? -All right, hum it. {Humming} {Grunts} {Whimpering} -That's enough. He's ready to talk. {Coughing} {Laughing} {Clears throat} -Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man! -You are a monster. -I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others? -Eat me!{Grunts} -I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - -

-No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons. -All right then. Who's hiding them? -Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man? -The muffin man? -The muffin man. -Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane? -Well, she's married to the muffin man. -The muffin man? -The muffin man! -She's married to the muffin man. {Door opens} -My lord! We found it. -Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. {Man grunting} {Gasping} -Oh! -Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything! -No! {Ginerbread man whispers} -Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? -Well, technically you're not a king. -Uh, Thelonius. -You were saying? -What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess. -Go on. {Chuckles} -So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. -Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy.

Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! -And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! -So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three? -Two! Two! -Three! Three! -Two! Two! -Three! -Three? One? {Shudders} Three? --Three! Pick number three, my lord! -Okay, okay, uh, number three! -Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona. If you like pina coladas And getting caught in the rain -Princess Fiona. If you're not into yoga -She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night. -I'll do it. -Yes, but after sunset - - -Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament. -But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it. -So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle. -Uh-huh. That's the place. -Do you think maybe he's compensating for something? {Laughs} {Groans} -Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek. -Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry. -Hey, you! {Screams} -Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - - {Whimpering} {Sighs} {Whimpering, Groans} {Turnstile clatters} {Chuckles} {Sighs} -It's quiet. Too quiet. {Creaking} -Where is everybody? -Hey, look at this! {Clattering, whirring, clicking} Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town Here we have some rules Let us lay them down Don't make waves, stay in line And we'll get along fine DuLoc is perfect place

Please keep off of the grass Shine your shoes, wipe your... face DuLoc is, DuLoc is DuLoc is perfect ...... place {Camera shutter clicks {Whirring} -Wow! Let's do that again! -No. No. No, no, no! No. {Trumpet fanfare} {Crowd cheering} -Brave knights. -You are the best and brightest in all the land. -Today one of you shall prove himself - - -All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom. -Sorry about that. {Cheering} -That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. {Cheering} -Let the tournament begin! {Gasps} -Oh! -What is that? {Gasping} -It's hideous! -Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey. -Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him! -Get him! -Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. -Go ahead! Get him! -Can't we just settle this over a pint? -Kill the beast! -No? All right then. Come on! I don't give a damn about my reputation You're living in the past It's a new generation -Damn! {Whinnying} A girl can do what she wants to do And that's what I'm gonna do And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me -Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me! And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

just so everyone knows, there are like 5 other asks with the rest of the Shrek script in my inbox…..

but i’m only posting this one, so you’re all so very welcome!!!

(also thank you so very much @genlossicle, your commitment is astounding and very much appreciated lol)

[larz-barz]

Shrek:

"Once upon a time, there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle, guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from the dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep, in the highest room of the tallest tower, for her true love and true love's first kiss." [Laughing] Like that's ever gonna happen.

[Paper Rustling, Toilet Flushes]

Shrek:

What a load of--

[Toilet Door slams]

Shrek hops out his outhouse and his routine like taking a mud shower and farting in his pool.

[♪ All-Star By Smash Mouth Playing]

Steve Harwell:

♪ Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me, I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed. She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb in the shape of an "L" on her forehead. The years start comin', and they don't stop comin', fed to the rules and I hit the ground runnin', didn't make sense not to live for fun. Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb. So much to do, so much to see, so what's wrong with takin' the backstreets. You'll never know if you don't go, you'll never shine if you don't glow. Hey, now, you're an all-star. Get your game on, go play. Hey, now, you're a rock star. Get the show on, get paid. And all that glitters is gold, only shootin' stars break the mold. It's a cool place, and they say it gets colder, you're bundled up now, but wait till you get older. But the meteor men beg to differ judging by the hole in the satellite picture. The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin, the water's getting warm so you might as well swim. My world's on fire, how 'bout yours? That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored. Hey, now, you're an all-star. ♪

[Shouting]

Steve Harwell:

♪ Get your game on, go play. Hey, now, you're a rock star. Get the show on, get paid. And all that glitters is gold, only shootin' stars break the mold. ♪

[Belches]

Villagers:

Go! Go!

[Record Scrating]

Steve Harwell:

♪ Go. Go. Go. Hey, now, you're an all-star. Get your game on, go play. Hey, now, you're a rock star, get the show on, get paid. And all that glitters is gold, only shootin' stars break the mold. ♪

Villagers:

Think it's in there? All right! Let's get it!

Villager 1:

Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing could do to you?

Villager 2:

Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread.

Shrek:

[Laughs] Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres-- they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.

Villager 3:

No!

Shrek:

They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast.

Villager 3:

Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!

[Gasping]

Villager 3:

Right.

[Roaring]

[Shouting]

[Roaring]

[Roaring Continues]

[Shouting Continues]

Shrek:

[Whispers] This is the part where you run away.

[Gasping]

Shrek:

[Laughs] [Laughing] And stay out! "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures." [Sighs]

Guard 1:

All right. This one's full. Take it away!

[Gasps]

Guard 2:

Move it along. Come on. Get up!

Captain of the Guards: Next!

Guard 3:

Give me that! Your flying days are over.

Captain of the Guards: That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next.

Guard 4:

Get up!

Captain of the Guards: Twenty pieces.

Guard 5:

Come on!

[Thudding]

Guard 6:

Sit down there! Keep quiet!

Bear:

[Crying] This cage is too small.

Donkey:

Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance!

Old Lady:

Oh, shut up!

Donkey:

Oh!

Captain of the Guards: Next! What have you got?

Geppetto:

This little wooden puppet.

Pinocchio:

I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.

Captain of the Guards: Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.

Pinocchio:

Father, please! Don't let them do this!

Captain of the Guards: Next.

Pinocchio:

Help me!

Captain of the Guards: What have you got?

Old Lady:

Well, I've got a talking donkey.

[Grunts]

Captain of the Guards: Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.

Old Lady:

Oh, go ahead, little fella.

Captain of the Guards: Well?

Old Lady:

Oh, oh, he's just-- He's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt--

Captain of the Guards: That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!

Old Lady:

No, no, he talks! He does. [Moves Donkey’s lips] I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.

Captain of the Guards: Get her out of my sight.

Old Lady:

No, no! I swear. Oh! He can talk!

Donkey:

[Gasps] Hey, I can fly!

Peter Pan:

He can fly!

Pigs:

He can fly!

Captain of the Guards: He can talk!

Donkey:

Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking, donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly, but I bet you ain't n

hehe >:3

love shrek frfr😌

[thephantomcasebook]

How fucking gross is it for the casting director to make sure that the gut who plays Blood has a comical sense of humor? I'm just going to drop this show. If they keep pumping up the awesomeness of Rhaeneryas fam.....I'm fucking done. Hopefully the Greens skewer him alive if they find him.

Well, according to the book, Blood is captured alive and brutally tortured till he gives up the entire conspiracy and who hired them. While Cheese gets lost in the tunnels under the Red Keep and starves to death. In "A Storm of Swords" Jaime and Tyrion find his skeleton and the gold that Daemon paid them.

From what I understand from hearsay, Criston catches Blood and Aemond is going to be the one that tortures and breaks him, in the show.

Like I've said for years and years, the ASoIaF Universe is a litmus test of a writer's ability to tell a coherent story without getting distracted by the more nihilistic elements that exist in the world of Westeros. And how quickly, even good writers, end up coming out like edge lord eighth graders whenever they're given a chance behind the wheel.

Just because the world sucks, just because anything bad might be possible, doesn't mean that it has to happen. The glee and joy that too many people have taken in the Nihilism of the world of Ice and Fire shows, to a point, the superficial understanding they have of storytelling.

In a world where all things terrible is permitted doesn't mean that all things should be in your story.

The "Blood" with a sense of humor has several distinct possibilities.

1.) They want to shock the audience by building him up to be likeable and goofy, only for him to show a really dark and evil side once he's got Jaehaerys and Maelor.

2.) They are trying to balance out the horror by making a strange David Lynch or Quentin Tarantino type of surreal farcical comedy within the violence and dark deeds. In the hopes of either making it artistic or providing levity to the scene.

3.) They want to make him bumbling and stupid in order to frame the entire incident as an accident or a dark comedy of errors.

Either way, I feel that the writers are just trying to find a way to have their cake and eat it too. They want to have the hard core dark violence and tinge it with cringe level millennial style irreverent, tone breaking, meta humor.

Mark my words, this isn't going to go down the way they think.

It sounds like the kind of unfunny meta jokes that D&D tried every once in awhile to put in "Game of Thrones" that never landed but for a some stuck up ultra rich liberal jerk offs chuckling to themselves as they discuss the latest "New Yorker" article.

And making "Blood" and "Cheese" some British comedy double act is fucking armature hour writing.

[barris-events]

temperature play, e.g. the external use of vaseline camphor ice

You go to my head and you linger like a haunting refrain And I find you spinning 'round in my brain Like the bubbles in a glass of champagne You go to my head like a sip of sparkling Burgundy brew And I find the very mention of you Like the kicker in a julep or two The thrill of the thought that you might give a thought to my plea Cast a spell over me You go to my head with a smile that makes my temperature rise Like a summer with a thousand Julys You intoxicate my soul with your eyes (You Go to My Head, J. Fred Coots & Haven Gillespie, 1938, listen)

sampling the sauce they're making leads to finger sucking

“Once you put your hand in the flame/You can never be the same/There’s a certain satisfaction/In a little bit of pain” (Erotica, Madonna)

“You came, I think?/Because the marble made my cheeks look pink” (Hollywood Forever Cemetery Sings, Father John Misty)

too much festive cheer at the Christmas party leads to the time honoured tradition of the pub toilet hook up

You're a sweet little headache But you are lots of fun I've a good mind to spank you Then thank you for all you've done You're a sweet little headache Full of quaint little schemes But when I should forget you I let you disturb my dreams I thought I could hold my own with you But you've got me all perplexed For here am I alone with you What are you going to do next? You're a sweet little headache If you keep on that way But a sweet little heartache You'll turn out to be some day (1938, listen)

"Afterglow, huh? Maybe for you, for me it's post-workout"

Richard gives Thomas a gift that is also definitely a gift for himself. Thomas teases him, Richard... retaliates

in front of a mirror

“I’ve been drinking, I’ve been drinking/I get filthy when that liquor get into me/I’ve been thinking, I’ve been thinking/Why can’t I keep my fingers off it, baby?” (Drunk In Love, Beyoncé)

situational engineering (the conscious or unconscious manufacture of events that give an emotional and/or sexual pay-off which can't be otherwise achieved)

London season footman Thomas/footman Richard

accidental kink discovery

against a wall

one or both still clothed

omegaverse AU

A very precious love Is what you are to me A stairway to a star A night in Shangri-La Of ecstasy Lanterns of gold Lanterns of blue Twinkle in the shadows While I dance with you An echo in the wind, across the summer lake Is saying you should know That lanterns lose their glow And hearts can break So hold me close, my darling Then kiss me tenderly And give your precious love Your very precious love to me (Sammy Fain & Paul Francis Webster, 1957)

pillow biting

slow and/or prolonged

“Relax don’t do it/When you want to suck to it/Relax don’t do it/When you want to come” (Relax, Frankie Goes To Hollywood)

staking a gentle claim

begging or pleading

competence kink

edging or overstimming

pampering

indulging in a spot of dancing becomes indulging in something else

vintage photo (links to a tumblr. Don't open at work!)

the little doors between the servants' rooms in case of fire:

Please use these prompts in whatever way inspires you. If you like, you can find the Nice prompts here and here. Happy creating! 🌲❤️✨🌶🌲

[animehouse-moe]

Best Anime Openings Spring 2023

With the Spring season winding down, I thought it might be a fun time to share my favorite openings from this season (may or may not do an endings one as well). Initially I had thought about doing a tier list, but that's far too arbitrary for my tastes at this point, so we're gonna stick with the ones that stood out. I'll just go ahead and get started.

Mahou Shoujo Magical Destroyers - Magical Destroyer

I don't really need to say much about this one, I already wrote about it in depth once. But yeah, damn good opening that has the perfect mix of everything Inagawa, and tells a self-contained story about the journey of these magical girls and Otaku Hero. It's a wildly impressive affair from start to finish, though not quite for the faint of heart as the music choice may be abrasive to some (personally, I love it).

Heavenly Delusion - Innocent Arrogance

Really, this and MAD are interchangeable as my openings of the season/year. In most cases though I give the edge to MAD for the insane style of the latter half, but Innocent Arrogance is far tighter affair. Its themes and stories are more apparent and accessible to fans of the series, and it has a more unique style throughout with the harsh highlights and lighter/softer color palette through most scenes.

Hells Paradise - Work

I might avoid the anime like it's the plague, but you do have to give credit for the opening. Solid on all fronts, it has a unique style that sells the characters and world incredibly well, all tied together by very fluid and dynamic camera movements. Plus, Millenium Parade on an opening is always appreciated. I would still say it's comfortably below the first two in terms of quality though. The stories told through visuals in the above are just out of this world.

Skip and Loafer - Mellow

The song title for this one is very fitting. It's an incredibly comfortable, fun, and warm opening that does a lot with how little it shows. As expected, the color design is wonderful and has the perfect vibe for being a slice of life. The icing on the cake though is the dance sequence. Full of energy and joy, it tops off the wonderfully full feeling that this opening gives viewers.

Mobile Suit Gundam: The Witch From Mercury - Slash

Potentially hot take for this one, but while the opening is solid, it's how it teases the story that allows it to be superior. The pieces that are placed in plain view that we're only able to understand in hindsight is where the appreciation for this one comes from. The pieces that aren't directly tied to that comparison are solid, but I wouldn't say they're amazing. The best non-teaser though has to be the scenes of Miorine underwater and in a fractured crystal, as they reflect her mental state without placing anything in front of the viewer to compare it to.

The Legendary Hero Is Dead - Shinda!

This one really surprised me, between Masayoshi Ooishi performing divorced from the other half of OxT and a relatively unknown pair of directors for the opening, a very impressive effort was given for something incredibly memorable. Aggressive colors and storyboarding, a campy feel that plays right into the spiraling shots and lower quality CGI. It presents something incredibly memorable but without an incredible amount of effort expended in pursuit of it. Great example of a solid OP on a (resource) budget.

Ranking of Kings: The Treasure Chest of Courage - Gold

There's not much to say here other than the geniuses over at WIT did it again. A wonderfully executed opening that chronicles the journeys of our various characters as they join Bojji on his adventures. It's incredibly cute and heartwarming, and one of these days I'd love to break down how perfectly it rehashes the story of Season 1 into an energetic and hopeful opening that punctuates the intermediate stories of this season. Also, WIT is yet to miss on song choices for these openings.

Dead Mount Death Play - Nero

I think this opening is the one with the most wasted potential out of the ones I've seen this season. There's some really incredible shots and ideas through it with stuff like looking through the eyes of characters and what they see, but at the same time there's quite a few bog standard pieces that fill out the build up to the crescendo of this OP. I wouldn't say I'm disappointed as I wasn't expecting anything out of this world, but I think if the team pushed themselves a little more they could have had a huge creative breakthrough.

Also, you should 100% go watch the MV that was made the song itself. It's animated by a single person and is entirely out of this world in execution. Amazing work.

And that's about all the very notable ones I have to talk about. There's some I was disappointed with like MahoYome's new OP that was rather restrictive, or the unremarkable nature of Demon Slayer (Zankyou Zanka >>> Akeboshi >> Gurenge >>>> Kizuna no Kiseki ) or Dr. Stone's latest openings. While there was certainly let downs and disinteresting openings, there was also evidently quite a few surprises and dark horses that appeared through the season. Overall, it's really enjoyable seeing how much a lot of newer shows are finding inventive ways to deliver creative and memorable openings.

[apfelhalm]

Since we kinda know each other a lil bit I am brave enough to ask....what's the appeal of Cap/Tony to you? I know a tooooon of people ship this and I never really got the appeal (but I would love to get it this is not a AND HERE IS HOW YOU'RE WRONG question I am genuinely asking...)

Ooooooooh. I am actually thrilled about you asking me this because Cap/Tony is one of my oldest and pretty much the most beloved OTPs of all time <3

I got into Marvel during the waiting period for the 2012 Avengers movie. Cap and Tony hadn't even met onscreen yet, so what I did, like most people back during that time, was: I turned to the comics. And in the comics ... well. Their friendship has been established over decades of various comic arcs.

They're pretty much like yin and yang, opposites that complement each other, past vs. future, idealist vs. cynic, the team parents, soulmates friends that will find each other in every universe and just need to be at each others side. They banter a lot (which can sometimes come off as flirty, especially from Tony's side), they have nicknames for each other (winghead and shellhead).

Especially Tony grew up idolizing Captain America and describes finding him frozen in a block of ice as the greatest day of his life. (I think he canonically has a room full of Cap memorabilia and merch but I can't find the scans to back that up right now.) He once opened his faceplate surrounded by toxic gas to give Steve mouth to mouth/CPR, because he thought keeping Steve alive was more important than his own life (x).

Things Tony once said to or about Steve:

I'm not half as good at anything as when I'm doing it next to you.

you were my rudder, steering me when others couldn’t

I miss your battle cry

And then there was Civil War. It was a huge event in the comics that had an impact on pretty much everything and Steve and Tony were the heart of that dispute. See, that conflict was mostly shoehorned and silly, but it was an angsty gold mine for shippers. A lot of what happened hit so hard because Steve and Tony had such a special and deep friendship. And then, in the aftermath of Civil War, Steve gets shot and dies. Tony, feeling partly responsible for what happened, completely loses it. He's supposed to hold a speech at Steve's funeral, but he breaks down crying in front of everyone before he can finish it. In one of the spin-off comics you can see Tony sitting beside Cap's dead body, pouring his heart out. And Tony, having played the villain throughout the entire Civil War, having betrayed and lost friends because he fought for what he thought was right (something he learned from Cap!), bitterly admits: "It wasn't worth it." (This is a callback to when Steve angrily asked him "was it worth it?" - Tony didn't have an answer back then.) (x)

Fun Fact! In one of the multiverses, Civil War canonically gets resolved because Tony is a woman and marries Steve:

Movie!Cap and movie!Tony had a very different dynamic. They were more of a enemies/rivals to friends (to lovers) kind of thing - which is also fun! - but A Lot of aforementioned comic canon bled over to how I and many over fans depicted/interpreted them. And that was a lot of fun, for a while. Except over time and with every new movie that go released, it got clear that the MCU had no interest in actually making them and showing them be friends. They were begrudging co-workers at most (and not just Tony and Steve, the whole team besides Tasha and Clint were rarely shown to have meaningful interactions) and that took away a lot of the impact of Captain America: Civil War.

So yeah. It's this deep and meaningful friendship that draws me to Steve and Tony. I still ship them in the MCU, but it certainly got soured a little by what the movies did (or didn't do) with their friendship.

[saints-who-never-existed]

Rereading The Terror

Chapter Twenty-Five: Crozier

This is it, lads - Carnivale! D: And boy is there a lot to dig into!

Crozier and Fitzjames retire to Erebus for much of the evening - neither of them want much part in the festivities so they sit drinking whisky in silence. Cannae blame them really.

There's a delightful mention of Mr Murray, the sailmaker - he's described as being old with a wizened visage, and is dressed up like a mortician. I had a half-remembered hunch about him so looked it up to check - homeboy was 43 years old in real life! Harsh, Simmons, very harsh!

When it's time for the feast - consisting of the polar bear Fairholme shot - it's Jopson and Hoar, Little and Le Vesconte that come to fetch the Captains. There's something quite sweet about that that I can't quite put my finger on - very formal somehow.

Once they're back out on the ice, there's good news and bad news. Bad news is that the men have clearly figured out how to brew some bootleg booze and are all absolutely plastered. The good news - as far as I'm concerned - is that it's Le Vesconte along with the other officers and stewards - who are dishing out food to the men. It's just a lovely little role reversal that makes me smile.

Also interesting is the frequent mention of Le Vesconte's gold tooth. I imagine it's a reference to the remains that were found that were thought for years to be his but were later identified as Goodsir's by the presence of a specific metallic dental filling?

Once they're all digging in to the food, it's quite an eerie free-for-all: "It was as if more than a hundred predators were revelling in their kill."

Then, it's time for a song and a show! The song is 'Rule Britannia' and the show involves Hickey on Manson's shoulders, both of them trussed up in a costume made from the hides of the slaughtered polar bears. With them is a man dressed up ghoulishly as a decapitated Sir John which I really shouldn't find as funny as I do. I've written "Objectively hilarious" next to this passage.

As the singing swells to a climax and Sir John's grandfather clock strikes midnight, shit then hits the fan with Tuunbaq's eerie arrival: "Crozier saw that there was a second large white shape in the room. It stood on its hind legs. It was farther back in the darkness than Manson and Hickey's bear-hide-white glow. And it was much larger. And taller." "There came a second roar...The sound ground so low into the bass regions, grew so reverberating, and emerged so ferocious that it made the captain of HMS Terror want to piss his pants right there in front of his men."

From then on, all is chaos. We have a description of a man in a harlequin costume (one of the doctors as, just like in the show, they're all in matching clown/harlequin costumes) running past Crozier in flames. We all get Fitzjames described as "...the only figure not costumed and not running" which jumped out at me for some reason.

Crozier and Fitzjames make it out of the now-burning Carnivale tent - Crozier with an unconscious George Chambers on his shoulder - only to find the Marines firing indiscriminately into the fleeing crowds, trying to take down Tuunbaq. "CEASE FIRE! GODDAMN YOUR EYES, SERGEANT TOZER I'LL BREAK YOU TO A PRIVATE FOR THIS AND HAVE YOU HANGED IF YOU DON'T CEASE THAT FUCKING FIRE IMMEDIATELY!"

Eventually, the other officers start rallying round and you know I'm looking out for my special boy when that happens: "Lieutenant Little came up through the smoke and steam...saluted clumsily, his right arm was burned, and reported for duty. With Little at his side, Crozier found it easier to gain control of the men..."

So there we are, all that's left is to tally up the awful toll in the morning...

[masterqwertster]

For the October One Word, how about fever and Ashton?

Prompt Well, this prompt inspired me to write something that fits into Rockin' It, so into the collection it goes.

As if piecing Ashton back together with gold and glass and grit wasn’t demanding enough, Milo now has to deal with their friend with a fever.

Ashton is an absolutely awful patient.

Milo has to get the genasi’s temperature down. They’re pretty sure they could cook an egg on Ashton’s skin right now, which is absolutely not normal. They can’t even imagine how much Ashton’s insides are cooking right now. 

And the stupid fucker won't stay in the ice bath. 

They get it. Ice baths are fucking cold and no fun. In fact, Milo has a very good idea of how unpleasant it is because their attempts to keep Ashton in the fucking bath have soaked them in freezing water. It's simply un-fucking-fair that even hobbled by recovery from a near-death injury and a serious fever, the earthkin is still more than strong enough to give Milo trouble.

Regardless of what a pain-in-the-ass Ashton is being about the whole thing, they need him to stay in the ice bath long enough for the cold to sink past that thick stone hide of his to actually bring down the genasi's fever. He can burrow under a heavy pile of blankets after (but Milo’s not getting under there with him. They're cold enough without cuddling chilled rock).

Milo sneezes and shivers.

"I swear if I get sick from this–," they grumble under their breath.

"You'll stop with the ice baths?" Ashton hopefully sniffles, tired of trashing for a little bit and shuddering from the cold themself.

"Once your fever fucking breaks," Milo sighs. "Until then, we've got to cool your insides, you big baby."

"'S not my fault I've nev'r been sick before," they grump, slumping in the tub.

"Yeah right. Everyone gets sick as a kid," Milo says, remembering a few of their own worse times of it when they were little.

"I didn'. Stones don' get sick," Ashton insists, the second part said with a cadence that suggests it was something said to Ashton with some regularity.

Which Milo supposes might be true. Packed places like an orphanage, or even the Fownsee Hollow, tend to have sickness sweep through then with some regularity, infecting the majority of the community before it fizzles out. And they can’t recall Ashton ever succumbing to the latest wave in all the time they've known him. So it’s not out of place for someone to come up with such a stupid reason for why the earthkin can weather the mess unaffected. After all, it’s not like Ashton’s the only one out there with a general resistance to sickness.

Milo shakes their head, dismissing the rather useless musings.

"Well, you're sick now, so please just behave so we can get through this as painlessly as possible. Please? "

"...'Kay. Bu' no more ice baths," they mumble, eyes drifting closed.

And that's going to be a whole other problem when it's time to get Ashton out of the bath, but Milo will take the win where they can get it.

[mattitties]

{Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. {Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen. {Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes} What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb In the shape of an "L" on her forehead The years start comin' and they don't stop comin' Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin' Didn't make sense not to live for fun Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb So much to do so much to see So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets You'll never know if you don't go You'll never shine if you don't glow Hey, now You're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mold It's a cool place and they say it gets colder You're bundled up now but wait till you get older But the meteor men beg to differ Judging by the hole in the satellite picture The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin The water's getting warm so you might as well swim My world's on fire How 'bout yours That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored Hey, now, you're an all-star {Shouting} Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mold {Belches} Go! Go! {Record Scratching} Go. Go.Go. Hey, now, you're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mold -Think it's in there? -All right. Let's get it! -Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? -Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread. {Laughs} -Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint. Now, ogres - - They're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. -No! -They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on

thanks for this

[everyday-is-brighter-with-you]

shrek movie script -

Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. {Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen. {Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes} What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb In the shape of an "L" on her forehead The years start comin' and they don't stop comin' Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin' Didn't make sense not to live for fun Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb So much to do so much to see So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets You'll never know if you don't go You'll never shine if you don't glow Hey, now You're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mold It's a cool place and they say it gets colder You're bundled up now but wait till you get older But the meteor men beg to differ Judging by the hole in the satellite picture The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin The water's getting warm so you might as well swim My world's on fire How 'bout yours That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored Hey, now, you're an all-star {Shouting} Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mold {Belches} Go! Go! {Record Scratching} Go. Go.Go. Hey, now, you're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mold -Think it's in there? -All right. Let's get it! -Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? -Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread. {Laughs} -Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint. Now, ogres - - They're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. -No! -They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. -Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! {Gasping} -Right. {Roaring} {Shouting} {Roaring} {Whispers} This is the part where you run away. {Gasping} {Laughs} {Laughing} And stay out! "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures." {Sighs} {Man's voice} All right. This one's full. -Take it away! {Gasps} -Move it along. Come on! Get up! -Next! -Give me that! Your fiying days are over. That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! -Get up! Come on! -Twenty pieces. {Thudding} -Sit down there! -Keep quiet! {Crying} -This cage is too small. -Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! -Oh, shut up. -Oh! -Next! -What have you got? -This little wooden puppet. -I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. -Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. -Father, please! Don't let them do this! -Help me! -Next! What have you got? -Well, I've got a talking donkey. {Grunts} -Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it. -Oh, go ahead, little fella. -Well? -Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - - -That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! -No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw. -Get her out of my sight. -No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! {Gasps} -Hey! I can fly! -He can fly! -He can fly! -He can talk! -Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Oh-oh. {Grunts} -Seize him! -After him!

He's getting away! {Grunts, Gasps} {Man} -Get him! This way! Turn! -You there. Orge! -Aye? -By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility. -Oh, really? You and what army? {Gasps, Whimpering} {Chuckles} -Can I say something to you? -Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa! -Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. -Oh, that's great. Really. -Man, it's good to be free. -Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? -But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. {Roaring} -Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling} Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day. -Why are you following me? -I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone There's no one here beside me My promlems have all gone There's no one to deride me But you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends. -Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest. -Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I? -Uh - - Really tall? -No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you? -Nope. -Really? -Really, really. -Oh. -Man, I like you. What's you name? -Uh, Shrek. -Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that? -That would be my home. -Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. -I guess you don't entertain much, do you? -I like my privacy. -You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. -Can I stay with you? -Uh, what? -Can I stay with you, please? -Of course! -Really? -No. -Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please! -Okay! Okay! But one night only. -Ah! Thank you! -What are you - - No! No! -This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, sw

And I'm dusting off this one from back in 1992 that I got in the post office. @chronic-lesbian

[chounaifu]

{Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. {Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen. {Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes} What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb In the shape of an "L" on her forehead The years start comin' and they don't stop comin' Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin' Didn't make sense not to live for fun Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb So much to do so much to see So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets You'll never know if you don't go You'll never shine if you don't glow Hey, now You're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mold It's a cool place and they say it gets colder You're bundled up now but wait till you get older But the meteor men beg to differ Judging by the hole in the satellite picture The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin The water's getting warm so you might as well swim My world's on fire How 'bout yours That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored Hey, now, you're an all-star {Shouting} Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mold {Belches} Go! Go! {Record Scratching} Go. Go.Go. Hey, now, you're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mold -Think it's in there? -All right. Let's get it! -Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? -Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread. {Laughs} -Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint. Now, ogres - - They're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. -No! -They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. -Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! {Gasping} -Right. {Roaring} {Shouting} {Roaring} {Whispers} This is the part where you run away. {Gasping} {Laughs} {Laughing} And stay out! "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures." {Sighs} {Man's voice} All right. This one's full. -Take it away! {Gasps} -Move it along. Come on! Get up! -Next! -Give me that! Your fiying days are over. That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! -Get up! Come on! -Twenty pieces. {Thudding} -Sit down there! -Keep quiet! {Crying} -This cage is too small. -Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! -Oh, shut up. -Oh! -Next! -What have you got? -This little wooden puppet. -I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. -Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. -Father, please! Don't let them do this! -Help me! -Next! What have you got? -Well, I've got a talking donkey. {Grunts} -Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it. -Oh, go ahead, little fella. -Well? -Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - - -That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! -No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw. -Get her out of my sight. -No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! {Gasps} -Hey! I can fly! -He can fly! -He can fly! -He can talk! -Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Oh-oh. {Grunts} -Seize him! -After him! He's getting away! {Grunts, Gasps} {Man} -Get him! This way! Turn! -You there. Orge! -Aye? -By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility. -Oh, really? You and what army? {Gasps, Whimpering} {Chuckles} -Can I say something to you? -Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa! -Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. -Oh, that's great. Really. -Man, it's good to be free. -Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? -But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. {Roaring} -Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling} Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day. -Why are you following me? -I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone There's no one here beside me My promlems have all gone There's no one to deride me But you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends. -Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest. -Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I? -Uh - - Really tall? -No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you? -Nope. -Really? -Really, really. -Oh. -Man, I like you. What's you name? -Uh, Shrek. -Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that? -That would be my home. -Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. -I guess you don't entertain much, do you? -I like my privacy. -You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. -Can I stay with you? -Uh, what? -Can I stay with you, please? -Of course! -Really? -No. -Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please! -Okay! Okay! But one night only. -Ah! Thank you! -What are you - - No! No! -This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles. -Oh! -Where do, uh, I sleep? -Outside! -Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. {Sniffles} -Here I go. -Good night. {Sighs} -I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm all alone There's no one here beside me {Bubbling} {Sighs} {Creaking} {Sighs} -I thought I told you to stay outside. -I'm outside. {Clattering} -Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune. -What a lovely bed. -Got ya. {Sniffs} I found some cheese. -Ow! {Grunts} -Blah! Awful stuff. -Is that you, Gorder? -How did you know? -Enough! What are you doing in my house? {Grunts} -Hey! {Snickers} -Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table. -Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken. -Huh? {Gusps} {Male voice} What? -I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy? -Aah! -Oh, no. No! No! {Cackling} -What? -Quit it. -Don't push. {Squeaking} {Lows} - What are you doing in my swamp? {Echoing} Swamp! Swamp! Swamp! {Gasping} -Oh, dear! -Whoa! -All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! -Quickly. Come on! -No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. -Oh! {Sighs} -Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them. -Oh, gosh, no one invited us. -What? -We were forced to come here. -By who? -Lord Farquaad. -He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice. {Sighs} -All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? {Murmuring} -Oh, I do. I know where he is. -Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all? -Me! Me! -Anyone? -Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me! {Sighs} -Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from! {Cheering} {Twittering} -Oh! You! You're comin' with me. - All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! -On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek. -Hey. Oh, oh! -I can't wait to get on the road again. -What did I say about singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Can I hum it? -All right, hum it. {Humming} {Grunts} {Whimpering} -That's enough. He's ready to talk. {Coughing} {Laughing} {Clears throat} -Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man! -You are a monster. -I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others? -Eat me!{Grunts} -I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - - -No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons. -All right then. Who's hiding them? -Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man? -The muffin man? -The muffin man. -Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane? -Well, she's married to the muffin man. -The muffin man? -The muffin man! -She's married to the muffin man. {Door opens} -My lord! We found it. -Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. {Man grunting} {Gasping} -Oh! -Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything! -No! {Ginerbread man whispers} -Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? -Well, technically you're not a king. -Uh, Thelonius. -You were saying? -What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess. -Go on. {Chuckles} -So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. -Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! -And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! -So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?