#but once again wanted to say y'all are amazing and bless all the messages :''3

[dxsole]

!!!

[t-lostinworlds]

Extra (Tom Holland)

A/N: What is this? I have finished something? Me?? posting?? A FIC? WHAT? Is the world actually ending!?!? I think I’m funny but I’m not, clearly. Glad to be out of my writing rot tho aha. Hope you guys like this one!

Pairing: Tom Holland x Singer!Reader

Summary: You get a sweet but very extra surprise on your birthday nearing the end of your show.

Warnings: Fluff and my usual typos

Word Count: 5.5k+

Masterlist in Bio

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The sound of your phone just going off uncontrollably was what woke you up, and you were completely sure that it wasn't your alarm.

You squint your eyes at the bright glare of the screen, a huge contrast to your still dim hotel room. You literally had just woken up hence why the curtains aren't open yet, it's still a bit too early after all.

Flicking the ringer on silent, birthday greetings and messages from friends and families were still flooding through, your phone now vibrating instead of your loud ringtone, giving your ears a break.

As you read through and responded to all of them, you couldn't help but feel a little down after you realized you haven't seen his name yet.

Of course you feel grateful for all the sweet messages everyone has sent you, your heart is melting from all the love. But there's that slight disheartened feeling that you can't seem to shake, slight worry that your boyfriend might have forgotten about your birthday.

You haven't heard from Tom since yesterday morning, which now makes it almost a full day. After he texted you that he was going to be doing a lot of stunts and is probably going to be super busy, he then just disappeared, not even slipping in a text good night. You did let it pass though, because he might have been quite knackered after the shoot.

Message to Tom: Good morning bub <3 Just checking up on you since you haven't read or replied to any of my messages at all. Hope you're okay and haven't injured yourself Thomas. I really miss you a lot and I love you loads x

Your frown could only deepen as you hit send, still no response nor any sign that he's got your messages whatsoever.

Normally, it wouldn't really be a big deal but the last you've seen him in person was three months ago. He was busy shooting the third installment of Spider-Man all while doing a few projects on the side. And you, well, you're touring around the world.

You could be patient and blame it on the time difference why he hasn't greeted yet, but he's just behind a couple hours. Tom has made it a habit of always greeting you at midnight no matter what and where, he's just cliché like that, and it was definitely passed midnight in New York.

God, you sound so much like a whiny and ungrateful brat, but you can't help it, you just miss him so much.

Maybe you've gotten so used to always spending your birthdays with him so the first time that you're celebrating it from different parts of the globe, it does makes you sad.

You did try to make ends meet, but a week before today, he's brought you the news that he can't fly out due to conflicting schedules with some of the actors he's working with, and that it's critical that he's there on the day. To be the leading role of a gigantic movie, asking a few days off is never that simple.

On the other hand, you have a show today and tomorrow, so flying to him isn't exactly ideal either. You understand of course, you are sort of in the same line of work, but still, it doesn't make you feel any less gloomy.

With one big stretch, you placed your phone back on your side table as you slowly got out of bed, opting to go and take a shower to then head down and meet the crew for breakfast.

Maybe you'll hear from him later in the day.

* * *

It was late in the afternoon and still not a single word from Tom.

You were growing worried because it was so unlike him to be very cut off and silent.

Did he lose his phone?

You tried to contact Harry—who's with Tom currently—but he too wasn't responding. Everything was just off and odd altogether, the tiny pit in your stomach only growing bigger the more you worry and think about where your man is.

"Have you heard from Tom?" You asked with furrowed brows the moment Molly, your manager approached you on stage. Your hand found its way to fish your phone out of your pocket to check it for the umpteenth time, but still, no sign of him.

You were finishing up your final soundcheck before you were off to a mini get-together—snacks and drinks included—with some of your fans. It was your alternative to a meet and greet because you'd rather hang out and have real conversations with them than the whole quick snap and go.

She shook her head at you all confused, a slight glimmer in her eyes that you didn't quite catch. "Uh no, why?"

You sighed. Tom doesn't really contact your manager unless its important matters, so you don't even know why you're asking, maybe you've just grown desperate to hear even the smallest thing from him, just anything. "Never mind. Is it time?"

"Yeah, they're all waiting for you."

You simply nodded as you followed her off stage, handing the guitar over to your guy on the way.

Walking through the hallway, you kept your head down, eyes glued to your phone as you respond to more messages from people, but also checking if Tom has come back from ghost town.

You were aimlessly following Molly to wherever room or space they set up the get-together in, just watching her shoes and never looking up from your device. That, until you heard a few shuffling of rushed feet and a door being slammed shut.

"What was that? And what's in here?" You asked, eyes now trained on a door of what looks like another dressing room. Molly continued walking, so you kept following but with your gaze still glued to the door, curios as to what's going on inside because you definitely can hear a bit of ruckus.

"Oh just the staff, that's one of their rooms." She answered casually, not even bothering to give you or the room a glance.

"Is it weird if I just go inside and say thank you? Would that be too... intrusive?" You pondered, halting in your tracks as you contemplated on knocking. You just wanted to extend your gratitude for all their hard work, but you aren't sure if they were comfortable with you suddenly just strolling in.

"It's not weird at all hun, but you've got a schedule." She smiled at you sweetly, nodding her head towards the direction of the get-together.

"Oh right, yeah, let's go."

You gave the door one last look before turning on your heel to follow Molly once again, up until you reached another space covered in curtains. And the moment your bodyguard pulled it open, wide smiles on faces greeted you as they all sang in tune.

"Happy birthday to you!"

You laughed as you shyly shook your head at them. Warmth coated your whole body in an instant as love and pure adoration radiated off of the space, off of your fans.

You did as much as wave your fingers in the air as they sang, serving as a conductor because for the number of years you've been on this earth, you still have no idea what to do when people sing the birthday song to you.

* * *

"I can't thank you guys enough for being here with me tonight. You guys have been so incredible, you always are." You breathed out as your voice echoed throughout the whole arena. You looked at the thousands of people who came tonight to see you perform with a proud grin, their energy never wavering as they sing your songs back to you from each melody to lyric.

Adrenaline was pumping through your veins as you tried to catch your breath, taking the water bottle off of the floor and lifting it up to your lips to have a quick drink.

"Now, give me everything you've got for this last song alright?" You spoke into the mic once you've rehydrated.

"Wait, wait. Don't you guys agree that Y/N is killing it tonight?" Your pianist, Sara, interrupts, the crowd cheering in agreement at her input. "And judging by today's occasion, I think we all owe her a little song." She added, earning a hearty laugh from you as you brought the mic back to your lips.

"You guys don't have to—"

"Happy birthday to you!"

The song was played no matter your protest, Sara leading the crowd as she plays the tune on her keys, the rest of the band following suit.

Your laugh bounced off the walls as you stood there in complete awe. It was a beautiful sight to see, the crowd all singing in unison, lights up in the air as they pour all their heart to the simple yet special song. The song still filling you up with joy and warmth despite having heard it countless of times for the whole day, and the fact that all these people were there for you? It was definitely the icing on the cake.

"Thank you so much you lovely people, y'all are making me emotional. And they say the best way to spend your birthdays is with the people you love and the ones who love you, and they were absolutely right. I'm so blessed to have you guys tonight, because I do love you all very much." You stated fondly the moment they finished with a loud cheer, a hand placed right atop your heart as you feel it grow ten times its size.

"Y/N, we've got another something for you." Sara spoke before you could even get another word out, hand gesturing towards the large screen right behind you.

"Oh god, is this mission make Y/N ugly cry today?" You laughed, turning around just in time too see the tour artwork turning pitch black to then be replaced by a huge countdown.

5... 4... 3... 2... 1...

The crowd roared in delight as Mr. Niall Horan joined with Lewis Capaldi appeared on screen, large pints of Guinness on hand with their arms around each other as they give you their birthday greeting.

"Happy birthday Y/N! But since we're halfway across the world, we'll be there with you in spirit. Also, Lewis and I decided to celebrate anyway so cheers to you and have an amazing day." Niall chuckled as he lifted his beer up. "I'll make sure to have a good drink for you Y/N! We miss ya and we love ya!" Lewis added with a cheeky grin, and you couldn't help but shake your head at the two with a big smile of your own.

You've worked with them both on a few songs, and both were the funniest yet sweetest gentlemen you've met in the industry, especially when you put the two together.

Both of them emptied their glasses as they bid their goodbyes, Niall's loud laugh echoing throughout the arena when Lewis spilled before they disappeared on screen.

The crowd went even louder once Shawn Mendes' pretty face appeared on it next, sporting his usual bright smile as he gave you his short but sweet greeting. "Happy birthday Y/N! Wishing you all the best in life since you deserve all of it! Can't wait to work with you again soon! Have fun on your birthday honey!"

You shook your head in disbelief. An amused smile was plastered on your face, still unable to fathom that a few years ago you were a huge fan of him. And now you can say you've worked with him, even call him a friend. Funny, how the universe works.

Alessia Cara came up next with a smile, wide and bright, you're heart melting to see one of your greatest and closest friends. She's just a pure and kindhearted soul, a rare beauty. "Hey there you lovely and amazing woman! Happy birthday! I miss hanging out with you a lot but I shall see you soon! Keep conquering the world Y/N! I am so proud of how far you've come and you deserve every bit of success that comes your way. Again happy birthday! Have an amazing one and I love you!" She blew you a sweet kiss and waved you goodbye, tears already brimming in your eyes at all the love and appreciation thrown your way.

Next were Zendaya and Jacob Batalon, who you've grown close with through no other person than Tom. Both were clearly on set sitting on directors' chair in their characters' outfits. Both looked a little tired but they still greeted you with wide smiles nonetheless.

"Happy birthday Y/N!" They screamed in unison. "We wished we could be there with you to celebrate your birthday but you already know how these things go." Z pouted, Jacob copying her as well and you couldn't help but giggle. "But soon when we get a break we will catch up and celebrate your birthday." Jacob added with a knowing grin. "Anyway! Duty calls so enjoy your birthday and have great one! We love you!"

Then friends and family came up on screen, ones who you've missed most having been away from them for so long and that's when you felt your heart ache a little. Happy tears were brimming in your eyes as each of them shared their lovely messages, saying how proud they are for how far you've come. And when those words come from the people who you truly care about, it means the absolute world.

The next person to share their video message didn't help with the tears either, a hushed sob escaping your lips the moment you saw his familiar face.

The crowd behind you screamed at the top of their lungs the moment Thomas Stanley Holland appeared on screen, handsome face sporting that sweet and charming smile as he sat in his trailer wearing his Spider-Man suit.

"Hello darling. My love, I'm so gutted that I'm not there so celebrate your birthday with you. If I could teleport myself by your side right now, I would in a heartbeat, but anyway, happy birthday sweetheart!" Tom exclaimed joyfully, grin all beaming and you couldn't help but miss him even more.

"Oh, where do I start? Well, I can start by saying how proud I am of you, so so proud of the gorgeous, powerful, strong and successful woman that you've grown to become. You've worked so hard to get where you are today and it fills me with so much happiness knowing that you're out there traveling the world and doing what you love the most." The crowd cooed at Tom's sweet words, your heart was already melting at the seams as more tears threaten to spill, and he wasn't even done yet.

"You deserve the whole world if not more with how kindhearted and compassionate you are. And gosh you make me feel so happy and loved. I feel so lucky to have someone like you in my life, I can't even begin to describe to you exactly how much, and if I tried? Then we'd be here for hours on end. And lastly—because I'm being called to set right now, if I wasn't I'd be talking about how amazing you are some more—I am truly, madly and deeply in love with you Y/N. You are my world and I hope I make you feel loved every single day, because you truly deserved to be."

"Tom they're waiting for you."

"Yeah, just one more minute." Tom calls out to someone off shot before his eyes landed back on the camera, staring straight at you through the screen with a guilty smile. Guilty because it pains him that he's not there with you. "I love you dearly, and I miss you so much. I'll make it up to you I promise. Once again, happy birthday to my beautiful girl and I shall see you soo—"

All of a sudden the screen went static, Tom's words being cut off as you heard nothing but white noise. Then everything just went black, the whole arena dark as the night as gasps of surprise and screams of panic echoed throughout its walls.

Tell everyone to stay calm Y/N, we're fixing things up.

Your sound guy spoke in your in-ear. You nodded despite the fact that they probably can't see you due to the darkness. Turning back around to the audience, you spoke into the mic. "I'm sorry guys, just technical difficulties. Just stay in your seats in be calm, the lights should be back on in a minute."

And as if on cue, the crowd screamed as the power turned back on. However, after a few seconds, they turned unusually rowdy, too rowdy for it to be only that reason. Slowly you got the feeling it wasn't only because of that, judging by the volume and power of their cheer, and by a few fans pointing at the stage as if they're seeing something you aren't.

For a split second, you met eyes with Molly who was right by the side of the stage. She had that all-knowing grin on her face as she pointed towards something behind you.

Confused, you turned around, jumping in sheer shock when you were met by a hanging, upside-down person dressed in a red and black Lycra suit, face all covered with a mask making the identity of the person pretty much unknown.

Your heart beat quickened as you stumbled back on your feet at the sight of the person, your brain registering it back to a specific boy—one who you saw on screen minutes ago wearing the exact same outfit—even if there was no confirmation as their face wasn't even shown. Your whole body was trembling from surprise, excitement but also worry that it might not be who you think it is under that mask.

Emotions were all over the place as you stared right at upside-down, masked-face of Spider-Man who held a birthday cupcake in hand.

"No, no, stop, please, is this a prank?" You croaked out, shaking your head as tears started to escape your eyes, question a must because you're having a really hard time believing what you're seeing.

It's been a long day, you just really wanted to make sure that what's happening is real and not just a figment of your imagination. You had to make sure that it wasn't the desperation of you missing your boyfriend painting pictures in your head. Not only that, but to really be sure that it's actually him under that mask.

"Guys! Don't even play! Please don't get my hopes up. That's a stunt double right?" You asked into the mic as you looked at your band and the rest of the crew for answers, who gave you nothing but wide smiles. You just feel like it would be too good to be true, and you really don't want to face disappointment if it wasn't him.

On the other hand, out of all the things they could have done to prank you, why would they choose this? It's a bit cruel to prank someone on their birthday now doesn't it? Especially when it involves playing with their emotions?

Unless, it's not a prank at all and you're getting way too ahead of yourself.

Mr. Spider-Man beckons you over, finger pointing at your hand to which you held the mic. With tears already clouding your vision, you moved closer slowly.

Reaching a close enough proximity, you had one hand over your mouth to silence your whimpers as the other lifted the microphone up to where Spider-Man's mouth is supposed to be. And the moment he spoke, you've lost any sense of control over your emotions or your sanity, his voice just too familiar for it to be someone else's.

"Why don't you take off the mask and find out yourself darling?"

You shook your head at the upside down boy as joyful tears streamed down your face, shaking hands lifting up to hook your fingers on the edge of the mask, pulling it down and removing it fully to reveal the face of the man you love.

"You sneaky bastard." You laughed tearfully, Tom only grinning at you all proud, his face now turning redder as the seconds pass by, being upside-down and all.

"Happy birthday sweetheart." He chuckled, offering you the cupcake, which you took gladly, balancing it with the mic on your hand. You were unable to form any more words as you stared at Tom, still unable to believe that it's actually him, and that he's here, in the flesh.

The crowd started to chant the word "kiss" over and over, making you throw your head back in pure laughter.

"We should do the kiss." Tom wriggled his eyes brows at you, mischievous smirk in play and you couldn't stop your eyes from rolling at your boy. But still, you gave in anyway as you cupped his face softly, your heart skipping a beat at the feeling of his warm skin against your palm.

You brushed the tip of your nose with his with a hum, moving closer until there was no space between you two as you captured his lips in yours, all while trying to manage the whole upside-down situation.

Tom sighed in pure satisfaction to finally feel your lips on his after months of being deprived from it, your touch making him feel like he's floating, which says a lot given the fact that he was already hanging mid-air all while being upside-down.

The kiss didn't last long though, too many prying for you two to cherish the moment. The crowd, on the other hand, cheered in amusement at the extremely cliché but sweet gesture, you and Tom giggling between the kiss at the loud support.

"Okay, I'm actually getting dizzy now." Tom laughed once you pulled away, hand gesturing for you to move just a little bit farther, and when you did, he flipped himself right-side-up with ease. A few guys then rushed on stage to help him with the wires, and once they were off, Tom turned to you with a sweet smile, face coated with wholesome contentment to finally see you in person again.

"You're actually here." You whimpered, fresh tears wetting your cheeks some more once he stood right in front of you.

"Aww darling, come here." Tom cooed with a soft chuckle, arms wrapping around your frame as he held you close to his chest, pressing a sweet kiss on top of your head. You couldn't contain your sobs as you buried your face on the crook of his neck, the smell of his perfume filling you up quickly and it only made your grip around him tighten.

You just miss him so damn much, and to actually have him here on your birthday, to be holding him so close after months, it was making every fiber of your being emotional.

"I haven't missed your birthday, not a single one, ever. Why would I start now?" He whispered against your hair, swaying you from side to side in a comforting manner, a soft sigh coming out of you as you felt your heart grow with even more love for this man.

"I still haven't decided if I hate you or love you for doing this." You giggled with tiny sniffles, pulling away to get a proper look at his handsome face, the face that you'll always be glad to see. Hate because he almost gave you a heart attack and for making you worry about him for being gone for a day, and love because, well, he's here now isn't he?

Tom only shot you a wink. "I'll tell you all about it later." He says, hand reaching down to take the microphone from you.

"Hey everyone, I'm Spider-Man." The crowd roared at that, Tom laughing in pure glee, all proud of his choice of words as he slings his arm over your shoulder and pulled you to his side. "I just want to thank you guys for supporting this amazing woman right here. I've been watching the show from the very start and you guys have been incredible."

Tom turned to look at you lovingly, smile coated with delight and adoration, voice layered with nothing but certainty. "I love this woman a lot, so thank you for making her dreams come true and for making her happy."

With just that, you were able to conjure even more tears as you looked at Tom all adoringly with a small pout. The boy stared at you with just as much love, cooing at your reaction as he gave you a soft kiss on the forehead.

How have you managed to get so lucky?

"Right, I'm done crashing your show so take it away my love." Tom finished as he handed the microphone back to you. Giving you one last warm squeeze and a peck on the lips to match, Tom was then waving goodbye to the audience and disappearing side-stage to watch the rest of the show.

Taking in deep long breaths, you turned to the audience with a laugh. "Okay, wow. Mission Ugly Cry is a success then. I haven't see him in months okay I couldn't help the tears."

"I wasn't expecting that at all as you can probably tell by my reaction. How am I supposed to top that now?" You rubbed your temple in feign worry, the audience cheering you in mere support.

You were still sniffling from all the crying along with your throat being little dry. And you were thankful for waterproof mascara otherwise you would've looked even more horrifying.

"God I'm such a mess, can I have some tissues please?" You asked, looking around the crew for help as you attempted to wipe off the tears with your fingers.

Instead of the staff, Tom ran back out with a box of tissues and a bottle of water in hand, making you shake your head in utter hilarity at how corny he is. You couldn't hold back your laughter when he handed you the box of tissues, pulled a couple pieces and held his fingers under your chin as he wiped your tears for you, all gingerly as if he was retouching your make up. After that, he opened up the water bottle to help you drink, then fixed your hair up jokingly and squeezed your nose playfully right after.

Once he was done with, he gave you a chaste kiss on the cheek, waving one last time at the crowd before returning back to side-stage.

"My new assistant everyone." You joked, keeping your eyes on your boyfriend with a grin you can't seem to wipe off. Tom mirrored your expression as he gave you two thumbs up in support for the last song, and with that you turned back to the crowd with a deep, satisfied sigh.

"Right, let's go out on a high note."

* * *

"Absolutely killed it." Tom praised, engulfing you in a warm embrace the moment you got off stage, a soft thank you coming out of you as you squeezed him back.

On your way back to your dressing room, You kept each other close, his arm slung over your shoulder with yours around his waist as you walked through the hallway.

"I'm not leaving your side by the way. I missed you too damn much and I'm not going to waste any second by being a little far from you." Tom shot you his best puppy dog eyes combined with a cute pout, a sweet giggle escaping your lips that made Tom's heart melt ten times over. "Well, I'm not complaining."

It wasn't that long of a walk from the stage to your dressing room but you had time to kill, so you turned to look at your man with a curios glint in your eyes.

"Tell me how you've managed to pull off this extremely over-the-top surprise? I mean, you could've just showed up in my dressing room and I would've cried just as much." You pointed out. Not that you didn't like what he did, you loved what just happened, every second of it, but you cannot deny that what he did was as extra and cliché as one can be.

Tom shrugged with a chuckle, "I know. But I wanted it to be special, you deserve nothing but. And you've got to admit, dangling upside-down in the middle of the stage during your show, all while dressed as Spider-Man is pretty impressive. Plus, we did the kiss. I'd say it's an amazing birthday surprise."

"It is amazing. I just happen to forget how extra you are sometimes." You teased. "I am, but you love me for it." Tom retorted back with a smirk, causing you to roll your eyes with soft laugh.

"Yeah, I do. Thank you so much bub, you always make my birthdays memorable." You sighed, wrapping both your arms around him with a smile full of gratitude. Tom planted another kiss on your forehead, a bright smile on his lips to match yours as he hummed. "Anything for my angel."

"Now, details Holland."

"Right, managed to pull some strings a a week ago and was able to ask few days off, so the whole conflicting schedule wasn't entirely a lie but it wasn't as serious as I made it out to be. Flew out last night right after the shoot. I couldn't handle just lying to you which is why I didn't respond to any of your messages in case I slip up. I'm sorry about that love."

"And then out of nowhere I thought how awesome it would be to pop up as Spider-Man in the middle of your show and do the famous kiss, so I asked Marvel a favor and thank goodness they let me borrow the suit. Called Molly to tell her about my plan, she helped quite a lot. Arrived here earlier this morning, did a test run with the wires and all that while you were still back at the hotel. Changed into the suit to then wait for the time. Oh! And if you actually looked up from your phone earlier down the hall on your way to your get-together, the whole surprise would've been ruined."

You gasped as you smacked his chest lightly. "That was you! I knew something was up." You felt really played, knowing you could've seen him if you did as much as peek up from your phone. But then again, it would've ruined the whole thing, and you really don't want to change anything that has happened today, so you're glad you didn't.

Tom could only laugh at your reaction, giving your pout a sweet peck before continuing. "The video messages were planned a long, long time ago but we made a few edits at the end of my bit to make it dramatic and here we are now."

And just as he said those last words, both of you now stood in front of the door of your dressing room. If there's one thing you always tend to be surprised about Tom, it's his impeccable timing.

"You are something else Thomas." You gushed, referring to today's escapade and just in general. You really are so lucky to have someone like him in your life, so thoughtful, caring, kind and just all around amazing.

You don't really know what came over you but the moment he opened the door to your dressing room and are your way inside, just knowing that you two were finally alone, you grabbed him by the back of his neck and pulled him down, crashing your lips on his as you pushed him back against the door, closing it shut in the process.

Tom chuckled lowly at the sudden change in mood, hands taking home on your waist as he relished the taste of your lips, one he's missed so bad.

The thick fabric of his suit was starting to irritate him for he just wants to feel your skin on his fingertips, especially after so long of not having to touch you. It got on Tom's nerves even more when he felt it grow even tighter than it already is.

And when you started to nibble on his bottom lip as your hands inched down his body slowly, Tom groaned, pushing you away gently, just for a little room to breathe. "Darling, it's very uncomfortable, borderline painful when I get hard in this suit, you know that." He grumbled, brown eyes a shade darker as his grip on your waist tightened.

You giggled, recalling all the times you've teased him whenever you came to visit him on set. "Hmm, let's get you out of it and go back to the hotel then."

Tom's bottom lip got caught between his teeth at your suggestion, your insides churning as he looked at you lustfully, a deep rumble erupting from his chest when he said,

"We definitely should. After all, this isn't the only surprise I have in store for you sweetheart."

-:-:-:-:-

Like & Reblog if you enjoyed and let me know what you think! <3

[autumnsnuggling]

Name 5 Tumblr People you'd like to meet irl, and tell us - what (would y'all do together), where, and why. Tag 5 people after, and continue the game!

HI NONNIE!!

Once again, I have failed at answering asks in a timely manner, so I hope you’ll forgive me, but this ask makes me very happy because I get to gush about my friends!!!... Having said that, I’m now going to entirely ignore the rules, because there’s absolutely no way I can limit it to 5 people 😂😂 Okay, in no particular order, here we go!

1. @rockmarina - Marina is a beautiful person and I would love to meet them (and their wonderful gf) just to finally get to hug and talk with such a fun, caring, wonderful person in, well, in person! And you have no idea how cute Marina’s relationship is and I NEED to see it! Honestly they are GOALS together!!!!

2. @rose-grangerweasleyisbae - DONNA!!!!! I don’t even know where to start! Honestly every time I see a message from Donna I smile, she’s a fantastic Slytherin, as sassy and wonderful as Pansy, and I need to just hang out with her!!! Plus, she helps keep me inline with climate change stuff and recycling and I cannot thank her enough for that!

3. @azaharperezoso (otherwise known as Ununquadius!) - I LOVE MY UNUN SO HARD I DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW TO DESCRIBE! For those of you that don’t know, Unun has a BEAUTIFUL voice and a MEAN heart when it comes to our boys, Draco and Harry. She literally told me that she tortured them specifically to bring me pain at some point, and we often end up yelling at each other over discord or WhatsApp due to giving each other feels and I need to be able to do that in her beautiful face lmao. So yeah, I need to meet her!

4. @midsummerdancer - SAPH! MY WONDERFUL SAPH! She is so cute but sassy as fuck and she also likes torturing our boys and I just.. Ugh guys I just miss her and need to talk to her more so YES I need to meet her! Also, did you know she’s an incredibly talented artist?! She drew me bed snogging and OMG I’M IN LOVE SO HARD!!!!

5. @dewitty1 - MOMMA CAREY! This woman is incredible; she’s always there to support you, she’ll lend you an ear and advice any time you need it and leaves the BEST comments! I love her dearly and I need to meet her!!!

6. (No I’m not apologising) @spaceaas - Okay, Taylor is SO DAMNED COOL! They have an amazing blog, they’re so open about who they are and their beliefs and I respect that so hard! Also,  they’re just.. So lovely? Like, if you’re ever fortunate enough to talk to them, you’re blessed.

7. (Still not apologising, this person NEEDS to be on this list!) @ilovechristopheralexandershaw - This, everyone, is my little Hippogriff. My dude. My pal. Who randomly messaged to say I have a nice blog months ago and I AM SO GLAD THEY DID!!!! Since then, we’ve messaged most days and I really miss it when I don’t talk to them. They are funny, kind, strong, intelligent, and so caring and I just need to meet them and HUG! ALWAYS HUG!

8. (Okay this is the last person, though DEFINITELY not the least... I think... Lol) @akashikadoesthings! - I want to meet Aka so hard. She is lovely, supportive, caring, an incredibly good writer (fffuuuccckkk have you seen her smut?!) and another adoptive mother to many. She’s wonderful and I sincerely hope I get the pleasure of meeting her!

Okay, there are just TOO MANY WONDERFUL PEOPLE (not that I’m complaining AT ALL!) and I have no regrets lmao. In terms of what we would do together? Have fun? Chill? Get ice cream/good food. Talk drarry. Laugh. Hug. YES. This is what good times are for me lol. 

Once again, thanks for the ask Nonnie, sorry it took a while, and I completely disregarded the rules, but hey, I love a lot of people lmao. It’s so fun remembering who I’m friends with and realising how wonderful it is to know these people! :D

[tayegi]

Hey Lu! I'm sorry you have to deal with such bullshit, like you are an amazing writer and hearing that your work is being stolen really breaks my heart. Props to you for being nice the first time around, because as someone that's dabbling in writing myself, i might've lost my shit the first time around if i saw my work being stolen

Anonymous said:Honestly I admire you so much for not deleting everything you have ever written because of people like the wattpad author.... that’s fucking crazy.

Anonymous said:Hey Lu, I've never sent you a message because you're already inundated with so many. But I wanted to send some support after what happened with that anencephalic rat who blatantly plagiarized your work. I'm a TA in my uni's computer science department and I posted some of my code online as a reference for my students in lab, until one student pulled all my code from github and submitted it as their own. Safe to say I don't provide code samples anymore. (1)

Anonymous said:Whatever you decide to do with your writing from now on, I just want to say I really enjoy all your work and I'm so sorry that you had your work stolen like this. Looooove you (hehe love LU) (2)

Anonymous said:Hey Lu, I’ve always been a quiet follower of yours, but after this plagiarism incident, I had to send something. I’m sorry you have to deal with ignorant and immature people like her. I legit understand why you would want to stop writing after something like this. You gave her a warning and she’s just not understanding how polite you’ve been about it (imagine once she gets to college, yikes). Anyways, we’re always here to love and support you. We can get through this!!! ❤️❤️❤️

peachyguki said:This is so bs. People dont understand that THIS IS ILLEGAL. SUCH DUMBASSES. I feel so fucking bad for you Lu...jfc she better comprehend what she did was wrong.

taebunsuga said:Fuuccckkk I knew it abt the plagiarizing thing but I wasn’t sure,, I was reading Pour Up and thought it seemed awfully familiar and was like is this new rules, but then thought maybe I was just reading a fic, but then she mentioned the office hoes theme part and I’m like shit omi this is new rules and then next thing I asked her abt it and so she posts this whole ass chapter abt how her plagiarism wasn’t intentional 🤧🤧💀💀

Anonymous said:This! Entire! Situation! Is! Whack! Srsly she's so dumb thinking she wouldn't face repercussions at some point. If it means anything tho her writing isn't great and I think it's safe to say we all know you're superior here. I really hope this gets sorted out and she faces some type of consequences

Anonymous said:There's nothing I hate more than a theif and I'm so sorry you have to experience this.

lucielux said:I wasn't on tumblr much today so I just saw this whole plagiarism thing and I'm soooo sorry this is happening to you :( idgaf if I can't report her for ripping off your fic, I'm reporting her for hate or something else then but Wattpad won't stop me from reporting her this is just not okay fam. Anyway hope you're okay girl ❤️

lucielux said:Lu I know you're off the internet for today, but just in case this is still an issue when you come back, when you report for hate Wattpad will send you an email asking you to complete a form. In the form you should include what point of the "Code of Conduct" was violated, and one of them is "Don't share stories that aren't yours". SO what I'm getting at is y'all can't repot plagiarism but you can repot for hate and then add that plagiarism happened. In any case, hope you're feeling better 💖

Anonymous said:I'm so sorry Lu. You definitely don't deserve this shit. She's being two faced and doesn't understand consequences. Honestly, I don't think she will understand unless you file a formal complaint. Her behaviour is shameful to say it lightly.... All my love you Lu!! I hope this bullshit ends soon.

Anonymous said:I don't get why people want her to send them the pdf files of her rip off??? why don't thy just like, read the original one here??? Instead of supporting plagiarism??? like what

Anonymous said:how is she so dedicated to plagiarizing, willing to send pdfs'? rather than spending time just trying to write herself.. 🤷‍♀️

Anonymous said:why don't you do the same? send us all pdf files of your writing and let's see if she'll continue to write "her original story" HA! her fans will realize that she's not so innocent and original when in a few weeks she still doesn't have any more additions to "her story"

Anonymous said:It looks like people don't like going back on their opinions, like: I like this author and I'll keep liking it no matter what, oh look she was accused of of plagiarism, but i said I like her I can't go back, I won't even see the original story, I'm just gonna say I don't believe in it" IT'S OK, to like an author and then if this author do shit you can and SHOULD be disappointed and stop supporting this bad thing they done, this actually apply to any artist,actor,musician+

latebloomer19

submitted:

I’m so sad and angry at the same time that the plot was originally yours and it was plagiarized by this author on wattpad. Honestly that became my fave fic tho because of the girl mc’s attitude and character. Now that I have found the real author I’m going to support the story so much💕💕💕 I downloaded the tumblr app just because I want to read your other fics hahaha 💕💕💕

littlekookieboy said:Omg I’m so outraged and the fact she’s trying to play victim with everything is even worse! I really hope she gets reported and she learns not to do plagiarism anymore. Seriously ur one the first writers I’ve ever read from here and seeing as how she has the audacity to do something like this is disgusting. Anyways I hope all goes well!!!!

canadiankae said:smh kids these days. I am actually astounded at her stupidity for announcing that she straight up stole your work and then tried to play victim. She'll get what's coming to her when she forgets to source for her assignments in school... then try to say she came up with it lol. If she keeps it up we'll help you take care of it. No way i'm letting my favorite writer go through this again

Anonymous said:im rly sorry all of this is happening to you. i wish i could do something to make u feel better and reassure you that we all care about you and hate seeing people do this shit to you. big hugs

Anonymous said:Lu, have you ever tried any online plagiarism check? I think it would be fun if you showed her the 99% similarity with New Rules. But I don't get it. Doesn't she feel embarrassed? I think its so sad.

Anonymous said:hoenstly the whole 'i spent hours on it tho' bs shes trying to pull is so annoying cause like if you were really willing to spend that much time plagiarizing someone elses work, why couldn't you have just written your own stuff during that time??? i just ugh im like mad for you if that makes any sense just urgghh

Anonymous said:I'm sorry you're having to deal with this shit. You are much more talented and well thought out than someone who cant think of their own ideas. and I've genuinely loved a lot of your fics. New rules is an amazing story that I always check for updates on and I love what you try to convey through your stories. It's disgusting that someone would do that to your work but I just want to remind you how appreciated your work is by actual fans. Love you!!!! I hope you feel better!

Anonymous said:Tbh i am so sorry that you have to deal with this situation now... you deserve so much better. I hope this thing ends quickly before upsetting you any further..

Anonymous said:Do it, file the report. If you don't you're letting her win. She has to learn her lesson and realize that she's in the wrong

Anonymous said:Ah! I sent the whole pour up ordeal and i’m so sorry i mistyped and put Tumblr instead of Wattpad because I was rushing to let you know! I’m glad it’s sorted because I became so angry that she plagiarised your work so blatantly! 💜

tywriteskpop said:I hope this thievery issue is resolved soon! I know I’d be devastated if my hard work was taken like that. Hopefully all of the support from your readers and many others will help convince her she is in the wrong. Please don’t stress too much about it. 🙏🏻 You have many people backing you up on this, and the option to report her for plagiarism is there when you’re ready, should she not cooperate. I wish many blessings to you, friend.

Anonymous said:Ok but like plagiarism on Wattpad is such a problem??? I’m sorry that you’re dealing with this rn 💕💕💕

sheridandwyer said:I am so sorry to hear that you're going through this! As a fellow writer, it breaks my heart to see a story that you've worked your ass off to craft and make original just stolen like this! I will DEFINITELY be leaving a comment venting my frustrations)in a respectful way, of course.) We've got your back and your followers will fight for you. Please know you're not in this fight alone!

Anonymous said:Lu! I'm so sorry about this whole problem! I went on wattpad to see the story and your comment is there. I cannot even fathom how much you work for your fics, but I do know how much it means to you. We will help you out any way we can and take that story down. It's not acceptable this person continues to get credit fot it. We love you, Lu!

Anonymous said:hey hon!!! i read her story before reading yours (after finding out her irresponsible actions) & i really want to say, yours is wayyyyyy better

acucarebiscoito said:Omg Lu this wattpad plagiarism thing is really annoying, what can we do to help? I love your work and I'm so angry and sad that they are disrespecting you this way ):

awkward-kooks said:Oh babe :( people are awful, stealing works is exactly why I'm scared to write on sns :/ hope they come to the realization that what they're doing is wrong and remove the story.

thank you guys so much for all of your love and support. Seriously, without you guys, I wouldve been so upset and frustrated right now. But it’s only because of this incredible outpouring of love and all of your support in talking to her, reporting her, etc. that we’ve gotten through this. And all of your suggestions are so hilarious and creative! I cracked up reading this alsjdfklsdfj i love you guys so much

[dailyjeons]

BTS account 13/10/18

didn’t do merch cause i did that in london, didnt go for studio cause that was probably not feasible with how our lines were going (at least i was too scared to do it).. sucks cause i didnt get allowed into the london booth while in the amsterdam booth everyone was queue-ing up anyways and getting in lol

bolding the subjects so you can skip parts that dont interest you

pre concert stuff So I was going to the concert with a person(Julie) I met through tumblr, she responded to my message asking if people wanted to queue up in GA with me cause I was alone. She was with a group of people and they basically adopted me so that was nice!!  Julie was super kind, constantly looking out for me, for my anxiety too and just I really loved being with her, time really flew!! We prioritized looking out for eachother over seeing the boys so I was really happy bout that! We basically queued up at 7AM in the 'unofficial line' that later on became the official one! Campers were sent out, I believe, but they probably came back early still! We still had a fairly decent spot I suppose? The camping out itself wasn't too stressful but I had a lot of anxiety bout being in the pit in a crowd of people, not havin bathroom breaks and being on 2 hours of sleep gjkfg Julie tried to reassure me through all of that. there were some fans giving out some stuff in the line!! like arts and stuff and i got this from a jimin fansite, i think she was japanese? 

it was so funny basically she did rock paper scissors with fans to determine if they’d win.. i lost but she gave it to me anyways?? LOL she didnt give it to anyone else that lost LOL

gettin into pit Eventually we got in and fortunately my tickets worked!! We like rushed into the left side but the view was not bad, ok, then we tried for the right side and we got similar views? But I think overall it was just a little better! We were around the sixth/fifth row in the pit but we moved up a bit to the fifth/fourth during the concert. I had a fairly good view on the stage, and could see the boys clearly!! I still used my iphone to film cause of the amazing quality zoom it has and i have so much gooood footage ahhhh my hands are super shaky though so thats annoying but oh well, its something! they like handed out water very often thank god so i could cool off and drink durin the concert!! we had to stand for like 3 hours inside so i was getting really nervous but once the concert started it was fine!!

concert Anyways the concert itself was mindblowing? They're actually sosososo good live it's actually insane how they sing live through their choreo or while bouncing around. Tear is still my favorite performance but the crowd went a little too wild around then so i didnt enjoy it as much :( They also did the medley I prefered (w Baepsae) which made so happy cause i got to experience both medleys now jdskfhfsdf.. i do feel like the performances were better for the London date, but the interactions and the boys happiness were on a much higher level in Amsterdam, especially with jungkook flying around trying to dance!! That said I felt like the crowd fell a little bit flat.. When the Jimin/Namjoon VCR was playing everyone was screaming initially for both but after a hot minute they like only screamed for Jimin?? The silence was actually deafening so Julie and I decided to help with Namjoon's screams then, and it was so disappointing we were legitimately the only 2 people screaming for him in such a venue lol. Crowd did however go wild at Kim Seokjin's performance, and IT'S WHAT HE DESERVES. Overall I think Seokjin and Jimin had the best reactions in Amsterdam, and London both.

impressions on boys As for the boys. Gonna be honest with y'all I was so busy filming Jungkook solo all day that I didn't really notice others?? fdjkghdf since i already had thel ondon date i figured today was jungkook's day now i had sights on him proper.. Some notes, Yoongi, Jimin and Namjoon spoke some Dutch and it was super cute!! Yoongi did it first fjgdkhfdg 

Yoongi: Super smol but big hands, and fluffy cheeks (he bloats really easily lolol) his see saw performance was REALLY good today too, i feel like reaction to seesaw is the best, everyone's always singing the whole song w it while most of the crowd struggled with their title tracks in both london and amsterdam LOLLL yoongi must be so proud over it.. also he's the first to speak in dutch to us but it was like really suddenly right before they were performing so nobody really noticed fjghkdfg and u know when he makes a dad joke and he smiles flustered, but nobody reacts to his jokes.. he did that thing LOLLL

Namjoon; very long and slender, his legs are legit 70% of his body and he went offffff today like when he's into shit like tear i cry cuz oh my god merCY kjdfhgdhjkfg Namjoon seemed to really love Amsterdam tbh he kept talking bout stuff to do while the others had fairly standard stuff to say, with a lot of repeat from the london concert too (which is fine vconsidering its hard for themt o speak in eng too)

Hoseok: He looks a lot sharper irl?? im not sure if i said differently last time, but now i saw him up close he's definitely much more handsome, cameras dont do him justice.. also he always has the most gentle smile on his face and it calmed me down a lot jkfgh

Taehyung: tbh im not sure if i missed him but i didnt really see him on my side a lot? i think like a few times i tried to film but couldnt really get it..?? julie did tho.. he's kind of.. small? but not small like yoongi but small like i'd confuse him for a high school kid.. BUT his face?? is really smth else his face is SO small but his features are sooooooo big and sharp.. god himself shaped this boy

Jin: ok yeah this man is 10000% more handsome irl liek i was filmin jk and lost focus and then jin appeared and i almost dropped my phone cause what the fuck?? hes GORGEOUS.. he didnt do the forehead/glasses look today though, unfortuantely cause jesus christ that was something else. he was bein a crackhead to jk again today rofll

jimin: he's legit a fairy irl lol it doesnt make sense.. like.. he's... really pretty....... super super super pretty, guys like legitimiately glowing.. he was super playful today and he seemed really happy to perform on his birthday which is super pure considering.. who likes working on their birthday? he like moved his dressshirt/blouse off shoulder a bit during the fake love portion of the set and oh ym god h..e..........HE... his collar... i want 2 kiss it.......platonically.

as for jimin's birthday.. omg he's so cute? they were at the extended stage when his birthday message came up (a message in dutch) and he like instantly rushed back to the main stage to show off his birthday message and he proceeded to talk in dutch about how it's his birthday, and how army are his gift?? it was suuuper cute!! imagine Jimin practicing his dutch just for this moment fdgkjhdf

jungkookie!!

Anyways onto ma boy!! Jungkook is absolutely unreal pretty. He didn't look as bloated/pained today so i guess i saw The Jungkook today and he's so.. sharp looking??? like his jawline and cheekbones are insane and like the dimple?? ughhhhh he looked a lil smaller now i was upclose but his thighs were still gods gift.. also he did forehead kookie instead of coconut kookie, i remain blessed.. he always hears my prayers..

throughout the show he was honestly super cute, he kept dancing in his chair to the choreo, spinning in circles while doing it, hopping around the stage slowly to wave and look at every fan.. he even looked towards me at some point but i legitimately dodged and turned away cause like I FELT SO GReaYS ANd i'd rather not have him see me like that lmaooo anyways it's so super cute how despite his injury he still tries to give it his all at all times, and now he could walk around he's instantly back at trying to make interactions with all fans?? a precious baby honestly!!

his ending ment was really-really sweet as well and it always amazes me how eloquent he can get when he gets to share us his real feelings.. i really am glad he's not too disappointed in himself anymore and has reached a point where he's just working on getting better instead<3!!

other than that, just like in london.. jungkook's vocals are insane. i don't care that he's not top tier vocalist in terms of technique but he got smth completely else and thats' how comffortably he can move around in his range and remain stable and it's just.. so amazing to hear him hit certain notes with almost.. ease? voice never cracks even after 23948234 songs it's so sickkkk

anyways this was definitely one of the best nights in my life.. despite allt hes tress and anxiety.. i’m sosoosos glad i went through all of this for that.. i had the greatest company and ended up having the greatest experience<3

[slyni-sparklyeyeshadow-blog]

*Sparkly Eyeshadow*

So, my day started a few hours later than everyone providing a service to the world. Right now, I am in grad school and it has taken its toll on me. Always tired, always stressed, and always (sometimes) studying. My anxiety has been off the charts since starting grad school. It's so not my personality.. so serious. At least during my one-year in the real working world without having mom and dad rescue me at rent-time, I was always around people talking, laughing, and throwing coworker frenemies under the bus when the boss got mad. Now, I am around classmates a few hours a dayor 30 ten-year-olds 40 hours a week. It's really hard to find a happy medium. Emphasis on the happy.

This morning, I hit snooze for an hour per usual and end up waking up at 8:30 instead of 7:30 to finish my paper that I was supposed to start last night. But my gosh, have you seen the Instagram Explore page? Sign me up for a perfect bod, unlimited cash flow, and a travel agent with a keen eye for exotic places.

 My point exactly. Already off track. I wake up and do my ten minutes of quiet time before anything else. *Alright, Ashlee.* I think. *You can do this.*

I get started and am amazed at how I rip through my first paragraph and how bomb my thesis is. Then I zip through the second paragraph and only ten minutes has passed by. I've realized I'm starving and my head is hurting because I have no coffee at the apartment. *Nope, not moving until you get this paper turned in.* So I'm typing and text my boyfriend good morning. Then I check to see if I have any Facebook and Insta notifications. And OH MY WORD I look terrible this morning! Need to wipe the coconut oil off before I Snap anyone. I wonder what filters there are today...

*Focus, Focus, Focus*

Back to the paper. It's fairly easy. At around 10:15 I get stuck because I am so hungry and am so mad at myself because I only have two paragraphs left. I talk myself into going to the Shell Station right around the Corner where I am pretty sure they think I live in the dumpsters with the cats. I look TERRIBLE when I go in there. Usually no make-up, hair pulled back, and my white vans that have more brown on them. I go. Today, I choose Java Monster because the Dunkin' Donuts Coffee I am obsessed with is 90 more calories than my 200 calorie Java Monster and Regina George and I really wanna lose 3 lbs. Like it really matters once I get a Peanut Butter Crunch Cliff bar... which is gone before I return to my apartment within walking distance.

So then I think to myself... it's almost 11. You have an appointment at 1. Why don't you just hop in the shower and fix up today? You look terrible. It'll do yourself some good. Maybe your head will even quit hurting. So I hop in and am already feeling like a productive person that will one day contribute to society. I get out and start my eye make up. *Remember this is the doctor, Ashlee. No silver metallic. Just white sparkles.*

 I line them and paint them and cannot find my eyeliner sharpener. Pretty sure I threw it away after sharpening a pencil and convincing myself that I would get lead poisoning if I sharpened my eyeliner in there, too. So the eye liner could be better today. *Just remember thin lining on top.* 30 minutes has passed by and I realize I need to get with it and this is the doctor's office on a Wednesday at 1:00 pm. Not New Year's Eve in Time Square. So I try to do my foundation "natural" and this means mixing a Mac foundation with Estee Lauder's DoubleWear Foundation. That's easy. Ain't no brown spots seen through that stuff. I blow dry my unruly hair made better with It's a 10 Keratin treatment and BOOM! Lightening strikes my car. Swear. My car alarm is going off. For some odd reason I hide in my closet a second and realize it is lightening. Not a tornado. Either way,  I think my reasoning was because I was far away from windows. Then the weekly panic phone call to mom goes through.

*Mother*

Yes, Ashlee.

*I think lightening struck my car.*

What?

*Like lightening just struck over the apartment and now my car alarm is going off. I think it hit my car.*

Oh, well it could have been the sound from the thunder was so loud, Ashlee. That happens. I don't think lightening would hit your car it's grounded with rubber tires.

*I'll check after the storm. If I touch my car will it shock me?*

No, Ashlee. It won't.

*K, bye. Love you.*

Love you.

 I show up to the doctor's office in white linen pants even though we may have multiple tornadoes today and got there 30 minutes early because my doctor has moved offices and I know finding this office will be like the blind leading the blind. If I know me, I'll find the nicest, youngest looking millennial receptionist that shares my over-reliance of Google Maps and even though she works there every day, she will STILL lead me to a Parking Deck across the clinic and not my doctor's office. 34 minutes later, it is now 1:04, I find my doctor's new office. Another patient and I apparently didn't get a memo or preferred automated message to let us know the office was closed that day. Really? There is an unfinished paper icon sitting on my desktop. That's another phone call crying to mom today. Bless his heart, it would have called my boyfriend but he has heard me cry over the phone every day this week and I am trying to let him think I am having the best, most productive sunshine filled day as possible.

How unprofessional of my doctor! This girl with no current profession makes sure to leave her med school graduated physician a message deeming her unprofessional. I would have threatened to find a new doctor but she has 4 stars online and I decide to keep her. I'm sure she would be so relieved...

*Well half of your day is gone but you can still turn it around. Go to Barnes and Nobles so you can finish your paper around people and not by yourself in your dark room. I go to Barnes and Nobles... finish my paper and knock out two other assigned readings. YES. Just time to get distracted again.

My sister calls. The people in Barnes and Nobles now know my nephew had staph infection on his foot two weeks ago and that my doctor is a dill hole and I could "literally be dying. OMG." I get a lot of looks. Some sympathizing. Some dirty. And decide to go print out the 383874298 pieces of paper my professor e-mailed us. Who needs trees? Not like they give us oxygen or anything.. I drive to Fed-Ex because I broke my printer while Youtubing a video about how to insert the cartridge. Did I mention it starts hailing on my drive? No where to pull over.. whatever. Just drive through it... SLOWLY of course.

At Fed-Ex, one lady is annoyed I e-mailed them with so many attachments to print. Yes, she should be furious with me. They are providing a service and I am PAYING them for it. Thankfully this guy that always gives me free printouts is there. (Okay, that happened one time). I smile at the lady when he offers to help me to let her know that I'm a good paying customer and have built better relationships with her team than she has. APPARENTLY. She literally could care less even though I feel I have really socked it to her.

- That'll be $4.39, Miss *Insert My Last Name*

-thinking to myself * Wow, so glad he can read my gmail account name*

- ALOUD * How is that only four dollars? I printed like a million pages.*

- Well, I guess it could be less. * HE SMILES *

- thinking to myself * EWW. this is why you don't need to wear sparkly eye shadow. You totally send off the wrong message about your future aspirations. *

- I actually respond "Oh! Thank YOU!" He asks how my day goes and I immediately spill the beans about my car getting struck by both lightening and hail and he ensures me I can stay at FedEx as long as I need to.

- thinking to myself *GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!*

- I actually LAUGH and pretend I didn't hear him. "Thank you so much. Stay safe."

So I return to Barnes and Nobles in the hailstorm and continue to read while occasionally looking at the window. A security car has gone by a few times and the driver keeps making eye contact with me. *Really? Is this eye shadow so shiny he can see it through the window?* He keeps staring and I am actually mortified now even though he is supposed to keep all of us Summit Shoppers safe. Naturally, fearfully, I smile. Not a big one. You know, one of those smiles where they are supposed to understand they have no chance - a smile where you show no teeth and you squint your eyes weird. NOT FREAKING TODAY, BUDDY. YES, I SEE YOU AND THIS IS WEIRD. STOP. This is what I call TACT. COOTHE, as my mother has always called it. She says I need more of it. Boy, would I have made her proud today. Would've made up for one of my two panic phone calls...

A minute later, the security truck, not car, quickly comes to a halt in a nearby parking spot. He runs out.

*Oh my gosh. I hope no one has shoplifted a book. Some of the hard covered books are tempting because I want to read them but don't want to spend 30 dollars. I wonder what's going on? Is there a fire in the Starbucks? No, stupid. You are right here. There's no fire at the Starbucks. (Then I sniff the air) REALLY, there is no fire.*

"EXCUSE ME, MISS."

*OH SH*t* I think. Did I do something? Is he going to say he sees me leave the gas station around the corner with a brown bag in my hand way too much in front of all of these people?!?! I always wait until I get home. I would NEVER drink and drive!*

"I was just going to ask if you would like to KICK IT sometime."

*Relieved* Kick what? Oh HANG!

"Yeah, you know, hang out? Get coffee or something."

* thinks to myself, idiot we are IN a coffee shop. "Oh! Ha, I would but I've had a boyfriend going on 4 years now.* (I would NEVER. I have so much coothe...)

"Oh, dang. Well... I hope y'all break up."

"What?!"

"Yeah, I hope y'all break up! Can I still get your number?"

"No!"

"What about your name so I can look ya up on Facebook?"

* thinks to myself WELL MY pictures ARE CUTE..." "Yeah! It's Ashlee. a-s-h-l-E-E." *I put major emphasis on the last two letters of my name. ESPECIALLY THE LAST ONE. Just so he doesn't think there should be a Y there. Then, I give him my last name with major emphasis on the phonics so he gets it right.*

"Can I write on this?" Points to bottom of my homework.

"Oh yeah! There's nothing at the bottom." *He still writes my name wrong. Really? Even after that Alex Trebek phonics lesson? Maybe he won't find me now.*

"Okay and I'll leave you my number."

"I don't want-"

"Different area code."

"K, thanks." *I give the tactful smile with no teeth again to send the vibe that he needs to get gone.*

"I saw you through that window and thought THATS A BAD MAMA JAMA!" Apparently he didn’t catch my vibe. Why I hate coothe.

"HAHA... ohhh that's me!" *seriously, please leave before I cry.*

"Have a good day, Ashlee. Call me when you and your boy break up." I then realized he ripped exercise 4 off of my homework.

Umm, what just happened. He runs out to this Security Truck with Green lights on top still flashing. I see him out the window open his Facebook page. I just smile out the window at the events of my day and I start dying out laughing. People in Barnes and Nobles now think I wear too much sparkle eye shadow and cheat on my boyfriend. Good Lord. I quit laughing when I see the looks I'm getting. I wish I could give them all a tactful smile but am too embarrassed. Still can be petty in my head though. *Maybe yall should try sparkly eyeshadow, HATerS!*

[remedieschronicles-blog]

Red Robe Chronicles( Part 1)

Red robe chronicles

"You know I like you"

"The fire and desire that I feel when the adrenaline it rushing through me all because you touched me. In ways that made my temple complete.

in the midst of this moment,  you make me, 

I feel at peace

your love is as sweet as the peaches 

that use to grow on my grandfather's tree

 A man with a plan that takes a stand,                                                               each chance he gets while the wisdom,

 knowledge and security increases. 

Yet I have to keep these feelings discrete 

don't make me feel like I need to retreat.

 I want to Be like you.

You know I like you.

 All in one your exactly what I need"

-Jae P. 3:00pm

Chapter 1: Jazzy

"you's a dumb ass bitch!  your one bum ass bitch! I shoulda been left your goofy ass  " is all I heard coming in one ear and out the ear from rocky. Them words did low key slit a piece of my heart coming from somebody I'd take a bullet for but I wouldn't let no nigga see me fold.

 He just sitting in the living room with his legs kicked back like he Pablo. I had got so fed up with the shit what's the sense of arguing about the shit the whole reason why I packed my shit in the first place. I knew better I knew I what I was worth. I just knew if I let the nigga just talk maybe then he would just shut up!  I

 I saw his phone ring and a few missed calls. he has the audacity to answer the phone  "What's up baby"  everything I had in my hand instantly dropped including my feelings and was replaced with a hand full of Dreads and punches followed right after.

This the last time this nigga had me fucked up is all I heard in my head all kind of wild thoughts like I really wanna fuck this nigga life up for fucking up mines!  After a few face shots, the rocky yells "bitch Ima fuck you up! This that nigga Pete on the phone I was just playing” 

wore out from fighting, but still had a hand full of dreads in my hand pushing his face to the floor rocky said aggressively “Damn bitch when you let me up  I should really fuck you up.”

Honestly, I felt so stupid but now that I got in my savage character I didn't know if I should hop off him and take that risk to run to the door or sit there and get my ass beat since the damage was already done.

 Everything happened so fast before I knew it my sew in got snatched so quick and slammed to the ground. My face meeting the bottom of his snake dress shoes. 

Although this was the only fight I came out with no busted lips and black eyes this was the turning part of my life.

After I left Rocky spot My phone starts vibrating I see it's my cousin Zah as I'm driving off I'm bumping” Tynisha Keli mistaken”  in my feelings than a mutha. smoking my blunt downing the bottle of absolute I just got from the liquor store.  I can't believe I wasted 4 years with rocky.Zah calling my phone for the 4th time  I might as well answer cause she know how I and rocky get down

"Jazzy bitchhhh why the Fuck you ain't answer bitch I'm thinking the nigga took care of you like the mafia, " Zah said loud as hell jokingly through my speakers.

“Bitch why the Fuck would you say that now if I really die I'm going to feel like y'all set me up cause Y'all already be too buddy- buddy and shit,” I said rolling my eyes.

“Hoe you play, anyways bitch I need help with this baby shower and you ass been mia, you know pregnant bitches hormones and I just cannot deal right now so pull up. Zah said sounding dramatic. 

"Girl I got way too much going on myself I'm sorry cuzzie love you ask the lame bitch Sasha she be thirsty as hell to be at all the functions anyways, "I said rolling my eyes.

Zah took a deep breath and said "You and rocky need to just get it together Y'all is too cute together he like your soul mate, And it ain't nothing you can't get from that nigga he just got issues like every other hood nigga do. It's either him or the other no good niggas or the low key gay ass niggas. choose your pick cause none of these shit if you ask me so yea Ima call you later boo Ima finish this later I just pulled up at the salon and them hoes be nosey "

Zah walk in the salon and gets a text (TEXT MESSAGES)

Rocky: “you tell her yet?”

Zah: “nigga nah is you still going to give me the money for the baby”

Rocky:  “HOE is it even mines!!!”

Zah: “why tf would you ask that when you know you the only one I been fucking for the past 2 years you got me so fucked up !”

Rocky: “Rs What you gonna’ do shorty I don't got  no time to playing with y'all dumb  goofy ass bitches”

Zah: “Ok come to the shop when we close. Please let's just talk.”

Rocky: “Ight what time you off”

Zah: “8:30″

Zah went into the bathroom and burst into tears. Talking to herself ” FUCK!!! Man, I should have never let this get this deep.”

Poem Title: “ No Trust”

I don't trust these bitches

Nor can I trust a nigga

They are scheming

 yes i be peeping they will  be playing 

you then play the victim

then Get aggressive when you don't follow 

through with certain decisions in certain situations

Is it the control that keeps it going

Is it the strong love is the mission

I saw love destroy souls so I just stay up out the business

I don't wanna be the witness to love gone wrong so later you play victim

Jae p. 6:27pm

I haven't seen rocky since the fight the other day but he just keeps calling me all of a sudden so I finally answer "What rocky"                                                    “ “Baby stop playing and come home you gone just let us go off that little ass fight I love you just come home, " he said while begging.

Man rocky it's always the same shit dude you go out of town come back I'm tired of fighting with you then I'm tired of these random ass bitches hitting me up like I'm a side bitch or something play with them bitches don't play with me.  

“Baby, I know I been fucking up but I ain't been fucking with no hoes lately let me make it up to you I wanna take you to take spot they just built by the mall. “ he said pleading even more.

“You lucky I need to smoke and after that, I'm gone have the munchies so Ima go ahead and take your offer on this food but we will talk  but I need to be at the shop later I gotta  appointment with Zah.”

Rick said “Bet. That's all I wanna hear baby I'm about to come get you so get ready” He pulled up to my apartment 30 minutes later. I jump out the shower while he rings my bell obnoxiously. I wrap my red robe around me, to make sure he see’s what he been missing.

When I open the door he grabs my throat and kisses me. he knows sometimes the rough shit turns me on.  Then he starts grabbing my ass, licking my titties sucking, my neck just being everything I need at the moment.

Then lifts me on the kitchen counter and stuck his thickness inside of me grabbing my ass I'm feeling every inch  him touch my backbone as he spread my cheeks how can I say no to the way he controls my body

As TLC said " a good man is so hard to find and a hard man is so good to find"

Once again I fell for his trap I should have known better.

Poem Title:  Innocent

It was the midst of the moment

that I loved you, and you loved me back

it was the midst of the moment

when it did matter. the past never lasted

it was the moment

When the present aligned  and the future felt on track

it was the midst of the moment

where I fell back. 

I remember innocent

I remember when life was pure

I remember before the pain endure

I Remember everything wasn't anything

I remember when nothing was really clear

I remember before you turned insecure

And I remember

anything wasn't everything  

I remember when we were in love

I remember before love is the opposite of what it seems

Now that we're out of love what do we do

ole dear innocent, what you mean to me

go back  out and get your confidence

and follow your dreams

Take me back a few years ago

when you said what you mean

-Jae p 4:32am

Zah sends a text to Jazzy(TEXT MESSAGES)

Zah: “Bitch I know you fucked up about rocky crazy ass but today Ima give you make over you know that always makes us feel better slide by after 9 I close today plus I got some tea bihhhh”

Jazzy:” iight’ “

Rocky still thraxing me from the back but I keep hearing his phone. and I hear his phone steady buzzing. while the sex getting so amazing, something tells me to lean over to see who blowing up his line like this.. he got somebody name bitch saved as “stupid hoe” and she keeps calling and texting. 5 missed calls and he gets another text. 

(TEXT MESSAGES)

Stupid hoe: babe is you still picking me up from  work

Stupid hoe: ?????

Stupid hoe: wtf dude

After we finished he goes to the bathroom and I sneak and get that “stupid hoe” number out his phone.

He comes out the bathroom. Bae I know I told you I was going to take you out today but I gotta make some runs  here take this money and just shop or something find something nice for me then he hands me, 3 bands,

 I just rolled my eyes everything was too good to be true. “ You always bail out with money. it never fails, does it “ I said annoyed. 

But on the inside, I'm still plotting on finding out who this stupid bitch is.

When he leaves the room I text that number but I noticed the number popped up and was already saved on my phone.

Poem Title: TOXINS

why are into this, 

its a curse less of a blessing

lust and lies, with never the less no confessions

all the secrets, and the box that they were kept in.

the cycle of us, the drift I should have been catching. 

I shouldn't have been stressing

I should have never let you in

all the shit that you put me

never in love, more like in toxin

you told me I wasn't when I was popping

you hated on me then tried to keep me boxed in

drag me through the dirt

I'm so tired of the hurt

all these shattered glass pieces

(TEXT MESSAGES)

Rocky: I'm outside

Zah: okay I'm coming out

I know on the inside I'm wrong as hell for not telling my cousin the truth about me and rocky but I can't piece it together I'm the one that introduced them I feel like I should have had him from the jump anyways.             

I always was in love with him I just didn't think he would take my jazzy seriously. Jazzy had a boyfriend when she and rocky first met. Me Pete her and rocky partied hard a lot of the weekends.Jazzy’s ex-boyfriend ended up taking a job offer in Atlanta and she didn't want to relocate with him.                                          She went MIA for a while after that.  next thing I know her and rocky had a spot together, I find out about them moving in together after our flings so he was definitely playing both sides. 

One night I go to Rocky's main Pete’s party they have every Saturday at the club. They got me so wasted we turned up so hard.                                     I wake up at a hotel the next morning and I see Rocky laying next to me. 11 weeks later I found out I had a baby. I'm not sure how I'm going to tell her..          I don't know how but I'm going to tell her the truth.

I walk outside and see Rocky in his Benz looking all scrumptious. I hopped in the car I instantly see rocky have an attitude.                                                        "Damn Zah why you gotta blow my phone up and shit damn what we gotta talk about you good and shit?"

Zah I'm sorry let me make it right

He whips out his inches and sticks it in. my mouth instantly start watering I just want to please him I just want to be everything to this man, Especially With these pregnancy hormones I didn't care where we were I just needed him.

I'm second guessing maybe we should have pulled off first

When I saw Jazzy pull up my heart dropped she's a little too early she hops out the car and sees rocky Benz and starts to walk toward the car...

Poem: Betrayal

Betrayal is worse than a enemy

I'd expect it from anybody

but some kin to me.

Especially the ones I love so deep

Betrayal stay away from me

Please

You will take my life

or make me take a life

out of spite and that ain't right

you took my heart and slit my pride

that fucked up betrayal never thought you would come around

and turn my world upside down. 

turn my soul inside out

in less than seconds without a doubt. 

Jae P. 3:06am

Jazzy screams " bitch really fucking really my nigga out of all these cheating niggas no good as niggas though.  right hoe you ain't family you a hoe!"         Zah said "bitch, first of all, I knew him way before you know him bitch be cool with all that extra shit"

" Zah be easy with that shit fam you been’ knew this was my nigga period but whole time he been your nigga fuck on some where that's low as fuck zah even for you g my blood though Really” i paused and flinched at her Zah fuck do you mean if you weren't’ pregnant I woulda took off period "

yea ok Bitch I'll light yo ass up stop playing with me then Zah pulls out a 9mm from her oversized handbag

Jazzy yells

bitch do what you wanna do peri.. few shot goes off

Poem Title: LEFT

You tried to leave me with nothing left, 

you got me cold i should have been left, 

you gave me something i never felt

gave me love and looked up i  had no more left

i knew right instead i went left

momma always said 

dont get it in your ass

 keep it all in your head

before you went ahead made things go left

she told me right but i always went left

i put up a fight and had no air left

use to roll the dice and had nothing left

if you love me like you say

why i havnt seen it yet

Hello welcome to WBC newsroom  my name is Andrew our story tonight a double homicide we are going to investigate a double homicide and a suicide the victims have not yet been identified the suspect was the initial suicide shooter in this case

Three victims died around 8 after a couple of calls to 911 for gunshots near the area

There was a note left on the suicide victims windshield saying I couldn't live with without them.

Case still being investigated

[chaoscrystals]

Every note in my fone 21

Nobody can see me sometimes by nova luz Nobody can see me sometimes and other times everyone's staring glaring, like they can't get enough of me till I sink into my misery then its rough and ill see you later when your eyes aren't swollen His name was dean we met on a bus I never forgot his name. Prickles my senses and feeling so sensitive Lying in bed again It all hurts my head Who is he and when will we be together again? So who cares if he's watching who's picking my senses my senses are prickly my senses are feeling * He's probably thinking of me I can feel his thoughts in my head. This reality is split and no one wants to agree on anything. My nervous system is trying to tell me something. My headache is from sugar. The singer from guerilla toss was in the hospital. I have never met her. Sometimes being around people makes me feel constricted rigid ct ct sharp edges digging in from my sides, what I wanted to be might not be enough, brave and full, laying on the grass, I sweat and sweat and miss my mark, I lay in the grass again. These houses are abandoned but I can leave them dying in the street, at the very least a shelter says the hippie but I leave them dying in the street, the only words I will ever need are happening now, breaking broken chain link rusted I wanna break em break em poison ire green rusted water I can leave them dying in a street I have ten glass towers I can just leave them be their dying in the street, they're dying in your home, they're dying in the street but I just leave them be * Skin melting off Gold Fire His voice in my head His hand on my belly My whole body hurts But he can save me I'm a blessing not in disguise I want to be aligned with The universal truth And singing is how I'm gonna do it * The way that most people treat their kids is insane and wrong. They act like they are not complete beings when they totally are.  In order to accept the wholeness of a kid, I have to be able to understand how they fit in to the fabric of the universe. In order to be able to work with kids I have to just be who I am without barriers. Sounds like a tall order. I see a parallelogram. I see a bunch, flashing different colors in my mind.bdbdbdbbdbdbbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbbdbdbdbdbbddbdbdbbddbdbbdbdbdbbdbdbdb * Stutter stutter nutter butter Embarrasing waving flags again But he don't know what its really all about Evil incarnate get your hands off the wheel You're not driving I am Everything weighs the same I'm just waiting for my coffee * Medium term goals: Make 500 dollars Get electronic drum kit Get small acoustic guitar Get band together Get job teaching kids * My heart is blue. I am sad and lonely. Seeking out something, anything or anyone that could relieve me of the strain, of feeling like no ones on my side. My green arm is dying. Umbilical cord feeding tube yellow fluid past life. Please someone notice me. All I need. Please someone notice me. Just some attention and ill be over the moon. Just a little attention from the man I have my eye on, the man I've got my eye on. Other girls * I like scrolling thru my facebook feed. If I didn't I wouldn't have seen all the posts about mental health awareness day and coming out day AND that I know a bunch of amazing people because I saw soooooo many hurricane relief benefits. I have 60 dollars set aside to donate, I just need to pick what I think is the best place to do it. So, in this week I want to make 2 late posts regarding these days because I want everyone to know about my life whose reading this: I think A LOTTT of people struggle with their mental health. Um I'm going to talk about my problems so here we go. I've had anxiety attacks since I was maybe 4 years old? I've hurt myself (not seriously but still hurt) during these episodes multiple times. I also had an eating disorder that I still struggle with sometimes. I get anxiety around food. I weighed 85 pounds at one point, I wanted to disappear and die. I weigh 125 now and I still want to disappear and die sometimes. * Rant alert What did I do to deserve to be into passive boys? Hah. Get mad about it. I feel like every time recently I've heard "I wanna get to know you better" it was a lie!! Nobody asks me out unless I don't want them to. Fucked. I feel so disappointed. Like are y'all afraid to approach women now? Do I seem that crazy? Maybe I'm old fashioned but I definitely identify primarily as a woman and I'm realizing it feels unnatural for me to initiate with guys. It like, hurts my soul. I'm so sick of this shit. I want a man who wants to buy me things. I hope this ruined your day fuck off unless you want to take me out and buy me things * Love and attachment I feel like I'm in a state of perpetual dizziness, or doom, I don't know what love is, my idea of love is a trade, freely given love. Just cause I don't have a band. I'm boiling over with jealousy, I'm fucked I'm in too deep I'm never going to meet the man of my dreams if I keep vibrating at this frequency. Narcissism is an excuse for poor boundaries. Jonathan doesn't care about me. I never really cared about him only his image and attachment Please grow an attachment to me Just kidding Not really I'm so desperately lonely. This is not the love I want. This is not what I agreeed to. I never asked to be born. * Fuck I'm addicted to weed and the internet I keep drowning out my own thoughts by internally shouting song lyrics..? * Its getting kind of ridiculous that I'm having so many problems cause I can't just ask for what I want straight up. This is connected to my jealousy of other women is connected to my feelings that every man that I like is seeing me . they are all somehow connected. Am I really...yes. What is so bad about just asking for what I want? Mom gets jealous and I am banished from the kingdom. It feels like. I can't have my own desires. What o want is incorrect I want to be different I want this all to make sense Why can't I ask for what I want if I know that? Why Jonathan doesn't ask me how I'm doing. Why I'm never going to be a regret. Or always. I don't know. What even is the point. Of a relationship. I can't force it. I don't want to force it. I don't want to clench my butthole whenever I ask him hi or think about it cause actually I never do * I wonder why I have all these coping mechanisms and what do they mean? Like getting Self conscious when I know people are looking. That's a coping mechanism because I learned that certain behaviors were always followed by punishment. Thank god for teal swan!! Madeline peyroux I can't blame you for all my insecure feelings. I should have touched your head. I wish I had the confidence to brush your hair with my hands * I love Jonathan hahaha he said he loves me in passing, said he cares about our friendship 1. what did you mean by a lot of people? I want names. 2. I'm sorry 3. So I'm just your friend? That's all you want? * Embrace a mistake Remember the mistake Take a break Have a laugh Take your time Take some of mine * I miss Jonathan. I want to grab his face and kiss it. Probably smell like food. This is so distracting. Did you ever want to be famous?  Are you restless in your heart yet? Are you restless in your heart? Do you want to be alone? Do you want to run away as fast as you can? I'm desperately looking for anything that will distract me from the pain I feel I wish I could be everywhere at once and have all my friends together at once. And eat more chocolate ... Maybe have more sex. Maybe get a boyfriend and only fuck him. Maybe get a place together and pay rent Is it wrong of me to be thinking so far ahead? I just want to eat and sleep. To hell with achieving anything. I just want to sing and if I can sing ill be happy Singing in harmony. I just want to eat and sleep and ride my bicycle until this building collapses. I just want to sing and wail and cry and collapse I just want a partner, friends, a mate, a collective, a team and I want to love them deeply when I look into their eyes. I want everyone to look around and feel love. I'm distracted. Is it my fault that men are so perverted towards me? One day maybe I can read my diary entries to Jonathan and he will understand. That's a Hebrew name. He's so smart. One day maybe ill have a blue bell cast of silver to hang around my neck, green pastures and lavender linens, nothing to do but pick flowers and smell them. One day maybe ill have a cast iron sword. I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you Te amo muito Its hard not to smile when I'm lost in my thoughts about you. Sometimes I'm taken by a shock of shame and I yelp. I think I'm trying to purge all the bad stuff out * Wow it's crazy I'm really excited to smoke weed and eat and be stagnant * Annie I want to marry you even in your sweet and bitter days, you're paving the pavement in central park The flowers are shining, they're catching your eye under the streetlights And I wish we were far away, we don't belong to this earth, Annie I want to marry you Even in your dark and bitter days, you're shining in the moonlight, what can it do to me? What can she do for me What can she do for me Forget the past Break the curse share prosperity Even if we had a relationship at all, would I want to be with you when I know you're fucking other people? No. For me to even consider that I would need to know that I was a priority in your life. But obviously I'm not. * If I really wanted it, i would have it, right? So why don't I? He lives in brooklyn He is avoidant (not imagining it) I can't be the initiator, I identify as female He lives in Brooklyn and "fucks a lot of people" He never messages me Except about shows (I think its endearing) Lives in stank ass brooklyn!!! Brooklyn I have deserving issues so I don't fully pursue the things that I want I have low self esteem so I stop myself from getting what I want. I want to be as close to him as I can get We just live far apart and in 2 different worlds. Its a happy coincidence for me that our paths crossed. Funny how badly I wanted to go to that show that I met him at. I guess I'm getting used to the intuitions by now. I had been fantasizing about the guitar player from fiasco for at least 2 years. Isn't life mystical? Now I met him and I think I'm in love. I feel like I love him. IM IN FUCKING LOVE WITH YOU. SORRY I KEEP MY DISTANCE. EYE FOR AN EYE EH? PLEASE DONT HATE ME Honestly I've never been more attracted to anyone in my life. I can't tell if this is good or bad. Sometimes it makes me cry. Sometimes I walk down the street unable to suppress a big smile because I'm thinking about them..and the fact they actually care about me..I'm so sorry baby. If i knew the answers I wouldn't be here.  I love you to pieces, I love every one of your pieces. Are you going to love me to? I'm holding out to know. I keep trying to get to the bottom of these thoughts but I feel like I just barely made it below the surface, I feel forgetful and ditzy, honestly, all I want is for someone like Jonathan to be holding me. Fuck.I feel like such a fuck up because I can't handle my own life. I feel so alone.if I don't build a network of people I can trust to help me reach my goals, I will probably kill my self in one way or another. We can mutually fulfill each other... I feel like such a fuck up because I know I want Jonathan, and he knows it to..but we still never talk...wow it seems like he really cares. I wonder if its an act so he doesn't have to feel bad about himself. I know what I want but I don't have it..so there must be something wrong with me. To hell with achieving anything. I don't care. Maybe if I was a different kind of woman, I would hold his attention better Its like this crush and this relationship is bringing out the best and the worst in me. My intense jealousy came to the surface. In a big way. Everything's coming up * My most important checklist for a cool, hip establishment Nice live music/pays artists as a priority Purse hooks under the tables/bars * I guess this is hard for me to say and be coming to terms with. Most of my less-than-joyful emotions. I felt ignored in the scene for a while. I mean yeah, I didnt work as hard was some of the people I've met so there's that. I wonder how many people notice the insane white washing though. And why is Brooklyn suddenly the epicenter for all this? Maybe I wouldn't feel this way if this was uptown and/or by and for colored people Buut this whole Brooklyn thing is a bunch of white people!!! I bet a lot of people I k ow feel angry at seeing another same looking band of white people get the features I want Fuck this. Why am I lying to myself? * Mental health post: I missed this on mental health awareness day when everyone was doing it. But I still find myself wanting to share about my own mental health. Cause it's a topic that gets to me as many people close to me have received diagnoses of mental illness/disorder when I view them as just, normal. I just want to write it out. The only thing I've been diagnosed officially with was anorexia and bulimia, and that's because I collapsed and went to the hospital. Regular doctor visits made me uncomfortable cause I thought I was supposed to tell them, and of course they manage to lose my records every single time so I have to re-state all my allergies and everything every single time until I stopped going, which coincidentally was when I started to actually become healthy again. Yeah I had pretty debilitating back and stomach pain for a year because of what I was doing to myself by not eating enough and making myself vomit for months and even years. Now all those feelings are coming back, and I've lost almost 20 pounds the last few months, and I don't want to stop. I want to stabilize and be able to just enjoy eating and not try to get to size 0 again. Honestly I'm disgusted by most commercially available food and it makes me feel sick. I can't eat a lot of the things that are common for people to eat cause it legitimately makes me ill. After the first bout of eating disorder when I dropped to 85 pounds and my heart started to give up, after that I developed a lot of sensitivities that I didn't notice before. I was binge eating. I hated myself. Sometimes I still do. Part of me isn't going to give up, and I'm going to keep losing weight because I think it will make people notice me. I'm at a loss. I've been trying to reason myself out of feeling this way for months but nothing is working. I need attention desperately. I need to know that people think I'm beautiful. I was always a little reluctant to promote my image as a musician or otherwise (everyone kept telling me to) when I was extremely thin. Someone that I know became quite well known while having an eating disorder and honestly they looked skeletal and it disturbed me. I was torn with blinding jealousy because they were white and blonde and gap toothed and getting all these opportunities. I was upset because I realized how insensitive people are, and how people can be in immense pain and suffering right in their faces and they won't notice and will even glorify their image while doing nothing to help or even care. Maybe I thought I was a good person because I was intentionally holding back because I didn't want to be any kind of symbol to anyone when I knew how unhealthy my body and mind were. Maybe it wasn't worth anything because we can still have an oil spill in 2017 when energy alternatives are widely available and I have done nothing to help but lie on my bed and have anxiety attack after anxiety attack because I need people to see me but I don't find myself beautiful or pure enough to be worthy of being seen. All I see everywhere is suffering and I wish I could hold everyone the whole world in my heart so we can be together and never have to be alone again. When I get like this I resort to isolating myself. I don't want to re-live the whole thing again. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not understanding. Im sorry I'm always too lost in my own thoughts to care. I'm sorry for all the animals that are being subjected to toxic environments and getting new sicknesses. I wish I could hold everyone in my heart.