#but on the opposite end of the spectrum i feel like he's disconnected from feeling like a... human man... at times

[emissary-of-dog]

i like thinking about geara's gender (in my hcs anyway); i feel like he's definitely not cis but doesn't think so at all. at least not in a way that's most obvious to him but definitely hints that he's not all... there... in terms of gender

[dana-chan-the-control-brain]

TADC: Thoughts on Jax in Episode 2

Thoughts on Jax after Amazing Digital Circus Episode 2 Dropped.

Massive spoilers below the cut. Just watch the ep before you read.

Amazing Digital Circus had an amazing second episode as we're introduced more to what the adventures are like, and what NPCs are like and ofc the existential horror of being a living AI only created for a source of entertainment.

Also, I love the dream sequence at the beginning, because we actually get some deeper insight into Pomni's thoughts on Ragatha. Feeling like her helpfulness is the guise of like "man, you're not cut out for this like the rest of us" which is typically something a lot of people who have been bullied in highschool perceive genuine acts of kindness and engagement. (which I kind of suspect Pomni might have been, or at least, been a shut-in and didn't have a lot of friends in her human life. )

Jax wasn't really the main focus of the episode, but it wasn't really until the end of the episode I understood his behavior and what this episode is foreshadowing overall.

Since while Jax isn't the focus emotionally, he is definitely the plot device to push things forward. And I mean, a plot device in a very active and quite literal way. He's the one that causes Pomni to clip out of the map, takes advantage of everyone and is just... genuinely an unpleasant person.

I actually really like this.

As, I know the first episode in the digital circus, many people (me included) could perceive or analyze Jax's actions as someone who is "helping" in a roundabout asshole way. Episode Two has none of that here. He just wants Bloodshed, And I love that we're getting additional context on his character.

It's hard to tell how much fan reception Gooseworx saw of episode one before episode two hit production, so I don't know how much of the fandom perception of Jax had an influence on the writing process, but I can't deny that might have been a factor in assuring us "no he's not secretly helpful, he's just an asshole" But I'm just going to assume that this has been part of his characterization from the start and it becomes way more clear as the episode goes on.

But there was something in his behavior throughout this whole episode that seemed off to me. Like Jax was taking up a majority of the B-plot, while Pomni had the A-plot. So I was wondering why Jax seemed to be the protagonist with the B-plot when Pomni was the A-plot when they seemed to be so disconnected with eachother in motivations and telling us things about the characters.

But then it hit me when the episode ended and the two plots merged together.

"who... knows... what could happen..."

And then it hit me.

Pomni finds comfort in an NPC who is going through a similar experience to her and can emphasize, despite their being other humans who have gone through the same thing, due to her self-admitting to being a loner in her human life. Well, she didn't admit it outright, but from how she perceives Ragatha's kindness as an act, or patronizing, it seems like she doesn't have a lot of friends...

Meanwhile... Jax... He treats the adventure like a videogame. Why shouldn't he? He's trapped in a videogame, right? But it really goes beyond that.

The fellow humans that Jax is trapped with, he treats THEM like they're NPCs, while Pomni treats the NPC like they're human.

Jax says to Gangle "Aren't you supposed to be the suggestible one?" Which you wouldn't typically wouldn't say to a person, right? That's something you would say more about a character that you maxed out the dialogue trees in.

He calls Pomni "His Bridge" even.

They're his objects. His tools, his own npcs he's exhausted the dialogue options on.

Jax dehumanizes the players in a way that Pomni humanizes the NPCS.

These are two opposite ends of the spectrum but what really sold it for me was Jax's reaction to the funeral.

And Jax is the one member out of the cast who doesn't even show up to the funeral. (aside from Caine and Bubble but they are AI.)

He does NOT want to think about the Players as real people. And showing that opposite perspective compared to Pomni I think is much as important going forward.

Jax was the plot catalyst of this entire episode, and served the thematic theme of the episode quite well, even if it didn't look like it on first glance.

I absolutely loved this episode and I can't wait for more.

Also... Poor Pomni can't have shit in Detroit

[evilkitten3]

i have a theory about shinji, gin, and aizen, but i'm not really sure how to word it.

we never really see shinji and gin interact all that much, which makes sense bc both of them have significantly more important relationships with aizen, but at the same time it's a little odd how much there isn't.

like. gin cut hiyori in half. shinji is understandably pissed about that, but he aims that anger at aizen - and this seems to be one of the very few things in the bleach world that honestly isn't on him bc he never told gin to do that, he never even implied it. hiyori was never a threat to him. hell, we don't even know if she was charging in the right direction; if anything, attacking her implies that she was which is a really stupid thing to do when you're surrounded by a bunch of people who super want you dead and would kill you if they could be sure you weren't tricking them into stabbing each other (ofc it could also be a fakeout but still)

but i don't remember shinji's beef ever really being with gin, even tho he didn't seem to anticipate that gin was working with aizen the whole time during tbtp. so like does he feel responsibility there? cuz gin went straight from academy to 3rd seat and shinji could plausibly feel like that sent him right to aizen bc he doesn't know that gin was always aiming for that. did he blame himself? does he feel like he should've seen it coming? does he still see him as some weird genius kid? does he just view gin as an extension of aizen, which is both dehumanizing to an extent but also entirely fair bc gin did that to himself?

the thing is, since we never really see them interact much, it's kind of only interesting on shinji's side of things, bc gin doesn't really care about much outside of whatever the fuck he thought he was doing and the version of rangiku that he has in his head who needs back something that the real one doesn't ever seem to have realized she lost to begin with. gin's so disconnected with basically everybody that most of the time you can usually assume his thoughts are just "lol. lmao" and there's no reason to think that doesn't extend to shinji as well (gin has deep thoughts on: aizen, ichigo, and matsumoto (massive asterisk on that one ofc) and i think everyone else is kinda set dressing to him lmao the guy is Fucked Up)

anyway i think it's interesting to toy around with that relationship as it was in reality as well as how it might've been perceived, but also in the sense of both of them being sort of opposite ends of the manchild spectrum - shinji leans into his childish side but still has a fairly adult worldview, and gin is able to pull off maturity to an extent but was never able to escape a deeply childish mindset

[typenull]

While the climax of Dunmesh [here’s your warning for spoilers] gives us an extremely thorough look into Laios’s psyche and his own desires, we don’t actually know that much about Falin, despite her “death” kicking the entire story into motion. The only bits of Falin we get to see are through the lens of other characters, who inherently show us their own biased perceptions of her. I’d go as far to say that Falin is actually the character in Dungeon Meshi who’s true desires we know the least about!

We know with absolute certainty at least a few things: Falin is gifted with powerful magic, wants to follow behind and travel with her brother who she deeply respects, loves her friend Marcille, likes fruits and creams, loves insects and is curious about monsters, once again like Laios… most of the things we learn about Falin are things that she has in common with her brother, but what does SHE want, deep down? How does she feel about everything? I don’t think we’ll fully get an answer to that question before the manga is over. This is definitely on purpose though, and has even been hinted at in the text (which I’ll get to later).

In my opinion the main difference between Falin and Laios is that Falin doesn’t want to hurt anyone besides herself (for the sake of others, and she barely knows who that self is) and Laios wants to hurt anyone who he “doesn’t like” (anyone who endangers him and those he loves). Both of these feelings stem from the same shared events of their childhood where they both began to feel “disconnected” from humanity so to speak, but they reacted to it in opposite ways.

Where Laios stubbornly ran away and refused to deal with being hurt and surrounded by hurt, Falin, who we rarely see making choices based on any desires for herself (staying in the academy for 8 years after being sent by her father despite not thinking it’s for her, nearly agreeing to marry Shuro just so that she doesn’t have to deal with being asked later, etc.), doesn’t object to anything she’s subject to because the only person being “hurt” in these scenarios is herself, which to her is acceptable. She accepts the fact that she’s considered “othered” extremely easily, and this reflects openly in both her behavior and in the few things we know about her: she connects with and cares deeply for spirits despite being ostracized, admires insects and monsters like her brother, and is even fine planning to take on a job that’s revered in her hometown. To Falin, being “othered” is more normal to her than the alternative

The only people in Falin’s life that make her feel like *more* than just an outsider are Laios and Marcille. As a result Laios and Falin end up with similar sounding mindsets on the surface; "As long as [the people I love] are okay, I don't care about anything else" — but underneath, they actually manifest completely differently! Where Laios “doesn’t care about people”, Falin cares deeply about them despite barely being treated as one.

The only *active* decision from Falin we see that most obviously reflects her deepest desires is her choice to die for those she loves, which I think says a lot about her.

I think that if Laios is “a human who wants to become a monster” because he hates humans due to his past, the most obvious foil to him is Kabru, “a human who wants to destroy monsters” because of his past in Utaya (and feeling like a monster himself). Thinking of them as two ends of a spectrum, in the grey middle ground of this is where I think I’d put Falin.

She’s simultaneously a human made subhuman, a monster made to follow Thistle, a “ghost” of her former self haunting Laios and Marcille — she really IS the absolute epitome of a “chimera”.

The Lion cursing Laios was the “hinting in the text” I talked about earlier: forcing his deepest desire into something seemingly impossible to achieve, a chimera. The surface level conclusion when reading this is that Falin won’t be revived, but I seriously don’t think it’ll be that simple in the end. After all, a chimera is multifaceted.

My hope for the final chapter of Dungeon Meshi is that, *if* by some chance Falin is revived, she will finally have to grapple with not only having to look deep within herself to answer all of these things for her own sake, but also with having the one opportunity in which she chose to use any sort of agency to act upon her deepest desires not only be completely reversed, but also hurting so many people in the process. When Falin is revived in the Red Dragon arc, she doesn’t even remember sacrificing herself for her friends — but she promises Laios to never do it again, falling back into her typical submissive obedience. How would she react the second time? Will we even get to know? Something tells me, probably not.

[mixtape-racha]

angel with a shotgun - k.th

part of the aria birthday series ˖°🦇ִ ࣪𖤐 (will eventually get a part 2)

words: 1k // warnings: light angst, established relationship, supernatural au, werewolf!reader

some would say kang taehyun was a villain. a scoundrel, a thief. others would say he was a bad omen. but their opinions didn’t matter - not to him anyway. the only person whose opinion meant anything was yours.

you and taehyun had been together for a little over a year, and you’d never had anything but a good word to say about him. he was your angel, your light in the dark, and your escape when home seemed too suffocating.

to you, finding taehyun when you did was nothing short of a miracle. he seemed to have made his way into your life when you needed him the most, and you’d rather be burned alive at the stake before letting him go.

finding love as a…. creature of your predicament was difficult enough. while supernatural beings were far from hidden to the human world, most still saw you as a threat. or worse, a disease to be washed out. so yeah, as a werewolf, love and relationships weren’t something your life was given in abundance.

at first, you thought taehyun was just… different. a human who wasn’t afraid, or eager to trap you. nor was he on the opposite end of the spectrum - he wasn’t one who fetishized supernatural beings, saw them as a toy to use and keep as simply a sexualized pet. and it was nice to be with someone who had no ulterior motive. a breath of fresh air.

until it wasn’t - he’d been acting strange. canceling dates last minute, never staying over when he promised to. its like he was hiding a whole part of himself from you, and it frightened you. gave you ample reason to put those protective walls back up, and disconnect yourself from romance once again.

but the worst part was how much it hurt. you truly thought taehyun was different, would be better than anyone you’d attempted to bare yourself to before. that's why after a few days of moping when he canceled yet another date, you’d decided enough was enough. if he truly wanted you, he’d need to reciprocate your energy. and if not… well, he could at least have the balls to tell you to your face.

it was creeping towards 4 in the morning on a saturday when your late night drive dragged you outside taehyun’s apartment building. you assumed it was your subconscious telling you to get answers, and you knew you had to do it eventually, so why not now? you knew he was at home and awake - the light of his balcony was on, and you could see the shadows on the tv playing.

the elevator ride up to the fifth floor filled you with dread - brain working overtime to give you visions of all the worst case scenarios that could play out. even as you approached his door and raised your fist to knock, your heart was fluttering at an alarming speed.

you knocked gently, fully aware that he had neighbors that wouldn’t appreciate being disturbed at such an unsociable hour, and tried to calm yourself before taehyun saw you in such a state.

but when the door swung open and he realized you were standing on his doorstep, he looked more surprised than you could have imagined.

“y/n? what are you doing here? … why are you out alone at this time?!”

he was quick to drag you into the apartment, the door swinging closed behind you. you cringed as it slammed, pulling your arm from taehyun’s grip as you grappled with how to go about your feelings next.

“expecting someone else? you of all people know i’m more than okay being outside alone at night, tae.”

his expression softened at your words, and it was hard to deny the butterflies you felt when he visibly relaxed and took your hands in his.

“what’s going on, hmm? talk to me.”

“i think you need to do the talking, really,” you half-smiled with a slight shrug of the shoulders. “you’ve been acting so… weird lately. did… do you wanna break up or something?”

taehyun’s eyes widened and he shook his head fast, the shock and confusion evident on his features.

“no! no, of course i don’t! why would you think that?”

you sighed, pushing away from him once more to pace across his apartment hallway.

“why? maybe because you’ve been so distant! i feel like i’m the only one putting any effort in, like you don’t want me as much as i want you.”

he lead you into the living room, gesturing for you to sit on the couch so he could explain himself, and you were more than eager to listen. anything to get answers to all the questions running through your mind lately - to put your doubts at rest.

“i’m..” he sighed, hands rubbing at his temples as he tried to formulate the words he wanted to convey. “i don’t want to mess this up, okay? i’ve been… i’ve been trying to learn more about werewolf culture. about– about your courting ways, how to track when you’re going to go into heat, what you can’t do and what will make your inner wolf happy. i want to be good to you, and i don’t want to do something wrong.”

and oh, how your heart ached at the pleading expression on his face, as if he was begging you to forgive him. when in fact, there was nothing to forgive. he had actually achieved a great step - he had officially done more for you than anyone ever had before, and you could cry with how grateful you were.

“tae.. that’s– you’re amazing. i’m so sorry for overreacting.” your eyes welled with tears and he rushed to wipe them away before they could fall, cradling your head to his chest - his heartbeat instantly calming you.

“don’t be silly, you have nothing to be sorry for, yeah? now.. since you’re here, and its so late, why don’t we head to bed?”

god, you couldn’t think of anything better.

taglist: @pretty-racha @demetrisscarf @bangtancultsposts @watariisbestboy @yevene @zuzuhasablog @popesfirstluv @zuzuhasablog @hearts4tubatu

[astrolaurical]

THE ULTIMATE BTS ASTROLOGY ANALYSIS: MOON SIGNS- YOONGI

BTS moon signs masterlist

Ok, it may look weird starting off with Yoongi but I have a good reason for it! Jin, Jhope, and Namjoon all have their moons in their 1st house, so I wanted to put them close together so as you are reading, you can see how the SIGN (Aries for Jin, Taurus for Hobi, Sagittarius for Namjoon) can change, making the PLANET (moon) act so different from person to person.

For reference, Here is what planets, signs, and houses mean. For all things astrology, go here. The moon is your emotions and how you react and handle your feelings in day- to- day life. The house and what zodiac sign your moon is in will affect how you handle your emotions compared to someone else.

YOONGI

Moon in Virgo 6th House

When the moon is placed in the house of service, it makes the native very giving. If you had to think in terms of love languages, a 6th house Virgo Moon would 100% be an “acts of service” kind of person. They live for helping others, and will be the first person you call when you are having a crisis. With Yoongi having his moon in the 6th house, he does need to be mindful that he is serving himself as well, and not always helping others so much that his own cup becomes empty. He needs to remember to fill his back up. His moon being in Virgo can make Yoongi’s disposition attentive and analytical, which is great when he is helping… but can get annoying or preachy when he is critiquing others. While he is doing it out of a place of love, his analytical approach to everything can make those around him feel inferior or inadequate.

Virgo Moon Opposite Pisces Sun

Yoongi’s ego (sun) is in constant battle (opposition) with his emotions (moon). His water sun is exactly 6 signs away from his earth moon. In easy terms, he will constantly be battling between trying to decide between own needs (Virgo moon) and the needs of others (people pleasing Pisces sun). One important lesson Yoongi will have to learn in his life is how to balance dedicating the appropriate amount of energy to serving others without overextending himself to the point that he doesn't focus on his own needs. He must learn to love himself fully and recognize this pattern in order to conquer his people- pleasing habit. Once he learns to take time for himself and not view it as selfish, but necessary for his mental and physical health, will he be able to truly love himself and then be able to give his love again to others.

Virgo Moon Opposite Pisces Mercury

Yoongi’s mind is always on. He may have sleep issues because his mind is always constantly spinning. Because of his nonstop thoughts, this can cause him to have extreme mood swings. He can go from too serious and logical and being disconnected from his emotions to the complet other end of the spectrum and being completely not driven by reason and overly emotional. Because of his extreme mood swings, he might have a habit of bringing his inner issues into his relationships with others. To resolve this problem, finding an outlet for his inner turmoil like physical exercise would help to balance out his emotions.

Virgo Moon Trine Capricorn Uranus

Yoongi and Hobi both have this placement since entire generations will have the same Saturn-Pluto since they are slow moving planets. These qualities demonstrate differently in these two men because of their different moons. Let’s look at Yoongi’s first. Whenever you think of Uranus, instantly think WEIRD. Why? Because it is the only planet that spins on its side. Uranus is ruled by Aquaruis and takes on its traits, like quirky, eccentric, alien, unique, forward-thinking. Anything outside of the box. So when Yoongi’s Uranus is trine (positively aspected) to his moon (emotions)- it makes him enjoy all of the qualities just listed above. He will even exude them, as well.

Virgo Moon Trine Capricorn Neptune

You’ll often see Neptune and Uranus right beside each other in natal charts. In relative terms, they are pretty close to each other in the Solar System, so therefore they would be in your chart. Just because they will often have the same aspects does not mean they act the same. Neptune is ruled by the god Triton, the god of water. He makes everything feel dreamy and underwater. Very fantastical and like looking through life with rose-colored glasses. While it is great most of the time, too much Neptune influence can cause one to be delusional and gullible. Yoongi has Moon trine Neptune, making him very artistic. He has a great talent for bringing his incredible visions to life. He can see the big picture and has no problem in meeting his goals to get there. He has a strong empathy for others and probably always sees the best in others.

Virgo Moon Sextile Scorpio Pluto

Pluto (transformation) is positively aspecting Yoongi’s moon (emotions). Whew. Life would be so much harder if it was negatively aspecting.  With Pluto sextile moon, Yoongi is very sensitive to the emotions of those around him. He is a strong empath, mirroring the emotions and feelings of people he loves. Because of this, he could feel constantly drained of energy and need alone time to recharge his emotional batteries. Emotions have a powerful impact on the people and circumstances in his life, and if he takes a look back on his most-life changing moments, he will realize they are all related to high-emotion moments. His intuition leads him. Psychology, mystery, and investigations appeal to him. Will probably never admit it out loud, but likes to be where drama is because it satisfies his deep curiosity for mysteries.

[kohakhearts]

spare blorbo thoughts? blorbo thoughts tonight my liege?

this ask is SO old i'm sorry, i had to really think about what blorbo thoughts i HAVEN'T shared yet jdgfhjdk

so anyway, tonight i will be defending my thesis that satogou are kind of awful for each other and we are not capitalizing on their toxicity enough.

the obvious divide with them is in how they approach relationships. goh has a messed up idea of what friendship actually entails, and i'm guessing in his head relationships are relatively transactional. you have to give something to get something, and because he feels so inadequate, he doesn't put him in a position where he freely accepts what he sees as charity, because he doesn't believe in his capacity to return it. it's why he can safely accept being chloe's friend as long as he doesn't actually call her his friend. it's why he accepts ash as his friend, as if he is doing ash a favour, but then rejects him when he begins to see ash's drive to help others - because that's a threat to their friendship, which up until that point had been based on mutual interests and capabilities (after all, they were both crazy enough to jump on a lugia).

the biggest reason i think he'd have this mindset is because of how we see him with horace in his childhood flashbacks. he helps horace through the forest. the next day, he brings him lunch. they make a promise. horace doesn't uphold it. so goh feels he has given something and gotten nothing, and decides then that it's safer just to not give at all. his mindset changes because ash doesn't have that belief, and he just kind of...gives people everything, asks for nothing in return, and then...fucks off, lol

ash sees friendships in a completely different way. distance and time don't take away from the value of his friendships. memories make his friendships fonder. but he wasn't always like that, either. at the end of the johto arc, he has a hard time letting go too. even at the end of dp you can see how hard it is for him to say good-bye. but the memories of his friends and all they've been through together are lessons he carries with him, and he carries them well! he just...doesn't talk about them much.

so their disconnect would come i think in that, without ash around to remind him, i don't think goh would have an easy time accepting that they're still friends. it's been too long; nothing's been given or taken. do they even know each other anymore? even if they still talk, it wouldn't be the same. but the only thing worse than going back to how he was before he met ash would be being clingy, so i don't think he'd take the initative to start journeying with ash again or something. and because ash doesn't understand his view, he would probably never offer unless they just happened to cross paths. but i think by that point, goh would be resistant, and then it would be a whole "we're through" situation all over again.

i think they're the kind of bad for each other that is actually kind of good for each other, though. if that makes sense lmao. like they're on opposites ends of the same emotional spectrum, and both extremes are kind of not super healthy or conducive to maintaining friendships in the long-term. in order to maintain their own relationship, they would have to find a healthy middle area, which i think kind of happens during the course of jn and shows in how thematically their good-bye feels very different than some of the other departures in the series.

not sure if this makes any sense but basically they're "attachment issues" in opposite directions lmao. avoidant x abandonment issues. and i'd love to see that explored more in ways that aren't just a venue for inevitable hurt/comfort fluff, and especially in a way that doesn't excuse the fact that goh can be a jerk when he feels his relationships are threatened - because he can be, and i would love to see more how that can cause conflict between him and ash, rather than how it would lead to them having to break up and make up, yknow??

[staticl0ve]

The Pig and the Fox - Ch.2 (Connor/AFAB!Reader)

The gif isn’t gender neutral, but I dig the vibes.

Pairings: Connor/AFAB!Reader (no pronouns used) Rating: Mature/Explicit/NSFW 18+ Link (AO3): Read it Here Chapters: [ Ch. 1 ] [Chap 2] [ Ch. 3 ] [ Ch. 4 ] [ Ch. 5 ] / 6 Words: 2.8k Warnings: implied drug use (supporting character), so much swearing, reader does wear feminine attire Summary: When a thief meets a cop, they’re on the opposite sides of the law, two flips of a coin. However, there’s more to life than things being black and white. In a post android revolution, not much has changed for the common citizen. The rich get richer and the poor, well, they work. They adapt. They sacrifice. You straddled that fine line, one toe in the light and one in the dark. So does Connor, but you don’t quite see that yet. Notes: It’s been fun making this Cinnabun spicier than he should be.

Chapter Two - Duality

This was not ideal, coming home with a glitchy arm, sleeping it off and waking up to find it miraculously fixed. Although, “fixed” was putting it lightly. The sparkly tingle that crept up your fingertips faded but the cybernetics were still making a light-show on your arm. It took all of the weekend perusing debug logs, only to learn nothing new. Then a whole week before you managed to toss your laptop off the side of your bed.

Even stranger were the settings of your dreams. You saw places you had never been to before: an old yellow home with chipped paint, rain pouring down windows and a doorbell, rung twice. One night, you were seated on a boat, watching rose petals drift in the wind when a man’s voice called to you from a bridge. He demanded to know who you were and what business you had roaming around his garden. 

You didn’t have a chance to turn around before waking up and trying to cling to what you could before the details were lost, consumed by a fleeting thought like, “it’s morning already?” None of it made sense. At least the glowing managed to disappear by the end of the week. Back in its rightful home, your laptop rested on your desk, mocking you with a black terminal filled by blocks of red text.

“Yeah, I get it. There’s a bug, thanks,” you complained.

Besides staring at a computer all day, your phone was buzzing nonstop. A majority of the alerts were from a group chat between friends. Tonight was Markus’ big reveal for his year long collection of work and people were hyped to see what the former deviant leader had to share.

Your cab was set to arrive soon, so you set aside debugging for now. Before you headed out, you brought up your contacts list, scrolling through names until the alphabets landed in the middle. You weren’t sure what possessed you to call Leo, but his sickly face kept popping back up whenever you had a quiet moment to yourself.

He wasn’t a bad guy, just a typical spoiled brat unable to process his emotions in a healthy way. On his good days he could crack a few good jokes…and when the laughter died down, he’d give you pause with an introspective question. People were multifaceted, existing on a spectrum. Leo didn’t have many close friends, at least ones that haven’t dumped him for the kind of man he had become. No one had the time or the patience left to check in on him. With the economy as it was, it was a surprise anyone had time for anything really.

It helped, being Fox, feeling like someone else. The disconnect meant you didn’t have to drag the weight of your nightly activities into the light of day. Cybernetics was a fast growing field with lots of cash flow. But it didn’t hold a candle to those who flew in private jets on a daily basis. You were comfortable enough to have recreational time to dedicate to a second life. Leo wasn’t your problem when he couldn’t be found and you didn’t bother him. You knew he’d spring back up when the money dried out. He was persistent, a parasite to his friends and family but you tolerated him, saw the gray area in an ocean of black.

Were you aware of the irony that you were less than kind to anyone in a police uniform? Obviously. And there were hundreds, if not thousands of books on American history documenting all the reasons why you felt the way you felt. In fewer words: it was complicated.

But back to Leo: a week was a long time between his usual annoying form of communication of animated images and funny captions. You should have gotten a dumb text with a joke you wouldn’t understand.

“Huh.” You clicked your tongue, worrying the flesh of your cheek between your teeth.

Voicemail.

—

The gallery was packed from room to room, filled with a variety of characters dressed to impress. The location was a quiet one, away from the neon lights of downtown. A few streetlights lit the empty roads and the small gallery was flanked by smaller boutiques and cafes which were closed for the night. It stood out as a bright square with floor to ceiling windows, showcasing all the contents within.

This wasn’t your average grandparents’ art show. Markus brought new energy to a scene that his father had dominated. At the entrance was a large white wall and boxes of paint markers with an instruction mounted on a plaque: express yourself. There were rooms lined with paintings and in each one, a blank canvas was in the center, accompanied with different prompts. It seemed the goal tonight was to encourage cooperation and creativity. People milled around, scribbling innocent visuals or laughing as someone added eggplants to one corner of the wall.

Beverages were served for all guests, ranging from fancy sodas and alcohol to holographic drinks. The new tech drink had a chip on the bottom of each glass, allowing androids and those with cybernetics to feel a buzz without the calories. Plus, one could customize the look of the contents, chug the stars of a Milky Way or drink a glittery rainbow.

You arrived fashionably late, at a point where the energy of the party was at its peak. An irresistible beat dominated the music, driving people to sway or dance while contemplating artworks. Since your arrival, a few people you knew had dragged you from one conversation to the next. When you spotted North, sandwiched between her main crew, she raised a glass in your direction. Two men to her side were crowded around a painting, busy waving their arms in a heated discussion.

“I thought you weren’t coming,” she said as you settled to her left. To her right, Josh and Simon started laughing, they seemed too distracted to notice you.

“You’re late,” North added when you innocently hummed and pretended to be way too into some paint strokes.

“Oh…It’s what…only been an hour since opening?” you replied, tilting your head and batting your lashes. North had played a major role in planning the event, arranging caterers and vendors. She wanted her closer circle there for an opening photo session and you agreed to it in the group chat.

Alright, so you lost track of time. But…but! This wasn’t her first rodeo. She’d thrown dozens of fundraisers in the past year. Although, from the nervous fidgeting of her fingers and her gaze shifting between the mob of people, this event meant a lot to her.

She let out a good natured scoff. “What do you think so far?”

“The party is amazing! You’ve outdone yourself. Where else could I find such brilliant art? Just—” You turned away to wave a hand at the entrance. “—look at all the colorful dicks on the wall.”

Her eyes rolled before she laughed. “After how far we’ve come, I really thought my faith in humanity was restoring…until today.”

“Can’t trust anyone with a marker and a blank wall these days,” you agreed.

From over her shoulder, you caught sight of a man in a tan suit. Smiling to yourself, you recognized his silhouette instantly as Markus. You placed a reassuring hand on North’s arm before excusing yourself.

Weaving between other attendees, you got close enough to notice that the deviant leader was talking to another man. A man who’s brown slicked hair and pale freckled face looked all too familiar.

It was like being dunked into a cold pool, your breath lodging in your chest, head swimming with a thousand thoughts—all of it screaming the same thing: Oh shit.

You wanted to spin around, maybe say hello to Josh and Simon instead. But Markus spotted you and that was more than enough for Connor to look up from their conversation.

“Hey, Markus!” you said, greeting the RK200 with an arm out. He immediately went in for a warm hug, breathing out your name in a soft voice. His arms easily engulfed you, adding a distinct bonus squeeze to the embrace—a thing he did with close friends.

“I haven’t seen you in a while. Have you been busy?” he asked.

You tried your best not to side-eye Connor’s reaction when you answered Markus.

“Yeah, between the weather and traffic, work’s been a real drag. But!” You cut him off before he could comment. “I am so excited to be here for your first show.”

“It’s all thanks to North and all of my supporters,” Markus replied. He brought a hand to Connor’s arm, pulling the RK800 into the conversation. “Speaking of supporters…have you met Connor?”

If you were waiting for the brunette to recognize you, the moment never came. Connor merely offered you the bare minimum of a polite smile, his lips pressed firmly together.

“Hello,” he said.

Despite what you thought of Connor’s profession, your public image was well curated to appear polite and friendly. You had half a second to decide on how to proceed and the voice that left your throat was more starstruck than you meant for it to be.

Well, whatever works right?

“Wait,” you gasped, feigning surprise. “I know you! You’re the uhm, the uhm.” You snapped your fingers and watched his smile fall slightly. “Uhm…some video called you the Terminator?”

“The former deviant hunter,” he said, shifting on his toes. The title alone made him shrink on the spot. His arm wrapped around the front of his torso, head falling slightly. You didn’t see the change as you were too wrapped up in delivering your excitement believably.

“Yes! I’ve seen you on TV! Saved a little girl and freed a bunch of androids—wow.”

“Connor has made huge strides for our cause,” Markus said. You wanted to ask how since you’ve never seen him around New Jericho, at least, not when you were there. It wasn’t like you were very involved with android politics, but surely, you would have heard something about him from North.

“Markus…” A flash of guilt washed over the younger android’s face. There was an exchange you didn’t catch as Connor’s indicator flickered.

“Our history is complicated but it’s all behind us now,” Markus reassured.

You held out your holodrink to toast his efforts.

“To new beginnings. And…” You gave Connor your name in a quick introduction. “It’s nice to meet you.”

“The pleasure is all mine,” Connor answered, lips spreading slowly in a smile.

With a gallery as full as tonight, it was impossible to hold Markus’ attention for long. A patron was excited to discuss purchasing one of his paintings and the RK200 hardly had time to say a quick goodbye. Connor remained, out of consideration or curiosity, you weren’t quite sure. Hell, you weren’t even sure where to look: back at Connor for what you imagined would be terrible smalltalk or in the direction of the bathroom so you could make up some excuse about needing it.

As you pondered, the universe decided for you.

A guest brushed into you, the unexpected pressure at your side knocking you forward. Your palm found Connor’s chest, fingers spreading over the smooth texture of his shirt. You could feel his Thirium pump buzzing beneath his undershirt and the subtle divots of strong abdominal muscles. He was so ready to play the hero, his arm automatically raising to wrap around your elbow.

It took a lot of self control to not grimace, your contempt for him consuming all rational thought. Fortunately for you, Connor was easy on the eyes. His features tugged inward in concern and you had to bury a fleeting thought about how endearing it made him look. You were beginning to see it, a way out of this scenario undetected by doubling down on your starstruck persona.

“Sorry. I can be such a klutz,” you joked. “It’s like I have two left feet.”

“That’s alright.” While he stepped back to give you an inch of space, his hand remained like a leech that found its mark. A tingle prickled down your spine and you had a funny feeling you were scanned.“Your shirt…was the choice intentional?”

Your blouse was loose, billowy around the sleeves with bright, bold sets of squares outlined by thick black lines. A splash of Piet Mondrian in your wardrobe seemed fitting for attending an art show. You smiled, standing more upright to showcase the full extent of the pattern.

“What do you think?” you asked.

Connor took his time answering, enjoying the fluttery movement of your eyes as you waited. His face was inches from yours, dipped lower to listen to you better in the crowd. Although, you knew enough about androids to know he could hear you just fine if he stood straight. You squirmed under his syrupy sweet smile. In your ears, a faint twang grew, like the swell of a violin finding its highest note. His smile widened, angled gallery lighting casting long, dramatic shadows over his face and sharpening the edges of his teeth.

“I think it looks good,” he answered, his tone easily skirting the line over friendly territory, like he was too shy or sensible to add: “I think it’d be better, off.” His actions indicated otherwise, innocently removing his hand and stepping away.

You meant to mirror his civility, but you couldn’t find anything interesting to say while looking at him. Compared to a gallery full of eccentric guests dressed in fantastical fashions, Connor was as exciting as milk toast. His crisp white shirt and pressed gray slacks were the definition of vanilla and safe. All he needed was a boring striped tie to complete the image of a man going door to door with a black book in hand. In fact, the most adventurous part of him was his slightly loosened collar, baring his pale throat in the same way a 19th century woman might flash her ankles.

“If I may ask…have you had a chance to browse the gallery?” Connor inquired.

“Not yet.”

“Neither have I. Would you like some company?”

You, enjoying the company of a pig? Absolutely not. Your body language said differently, wrist twisting to point at a room with your virtual drink swirling between the glass.

“After you.”

All things considered, being around Connor was…tolerable. He kept his distance when he could but the rooms were small and crowded. When he wanted to guide your attention to a painting, his hand found it’s way to ghost over your shoulder. The contact was too short and faint to cross any boundaries but it unnerved you all the same.

Those hands nearly had you.

Talking about art was one thing, but you couldn’t get a good read on him. Everything Connor said was laced with an eager to please demeanor that was at odds with his sharp gaze and looming figure. He was worse than a pond with no ripples, a mirror surface hiding the jaws of a monster. It irked you that you couldn’t take a dip and make some waves. When there wasn’t much else to discuss, you found yourself relying on much dreaded smalltalk.

“So…what do you do for a living?” you asked as if you didn’t already know.

“I’m a detective.”

“Like Sherlock Holmes!” You winked and lowered the volume of your voice. “Any cool cases? Or…are you not allowed to talk about them?”

“I specialize in homicide.” His head tilted to the right, concealing his LED from your angle. “There was a case that reached my desk recently. A beginner thief set off some alarms in a wealthy neighborhood, but it’s nothing to be worried about.”

“Ah.” You used your disappointment to mask the flare of irritation that made you grip your drink harder than necessary. “Well, with you around, Detroit feels safer already.”

He shook his head, eyes twinkling proudly.

“I do what I can, I’m no hero.”

Connor was infuriatingly humble. You wanted to roll your eyes. A buzzing in your pant pocket demanded your attention instead.

“Sorry, I gotta take this,” you said, bringing out a phone.

“Of course.”

“Nice meeting you, Connor.”

He held his hand up in a small, awkward wave that you didn’t see. His gaze lingered on the sway of your hips as your legs carried you out of the gallery and into the cold streets of Detroit. Your spine was hunched over to one side, leaning into your phone in some archaic habit of making the call sound clearer. Night swallowed your silhouette and you were gone faster than a fairytale beauty swept away by a clock’s chime.

When Connor went to gather his things, he noticed your coat in a hanger near his. He knew it was yours from a quick scan of a few stray hairs. His thumb brushed over the collar and he made his decision to take it off the rack.

It was cold. You could freeze out there. Surely, you wouldn’t want to be without your coat?

He couldn’t hold back a smug grin. “Nice meeting you too, Fox.”

—

“A fox had never seen a lion before, so when she happened to meet the lion for the first time she all but died of fright. The second time she saw him, she was still afraid, but not as much as before. The third time, the fox was bold enough to go right up to the lion and speak to him.”

The Fox and the Lion (Aesop’s Fables)

[amyintherapy]

A spectrum of disassociation

The main focus of my therapy the last month or so has been related to trying to reconnect with my healthy anger. Healthy anger being when you get mad because someone has made you uncomfortable or violated a boundary, etc. The core function of healthy anger is to let us know when we should set boundaries.

I've never really gotten angry. In situations where I've been mistreated and should feel angry, I feel scared or sad instead. I do feel low levels of anger sometimes (it's probably accurate to classify it as like...frustrated, irritated, etc) - but it's usually a feeling that I only feel after time has passed from the event I experienced. So if someone were rude to me at a social event, I'd feel a surge of anxiety in the moment, and then sort of mostly feel nothing else about it while at the event...but then after getting home and talking to my partner about it, I'd start to feel irritated when recalling what happened.

While I don't have any conscious memories of trauma causing me to have to disconnect from feeling angry, I've learned that this is attachment trauma. Something that happens to people who basically aren't allowed to be angry. If getting angry as a baby or very young child makes your situation worse, especially if it seems to threaten the attachment dynamic between the parent and child, the child will stop feeling anger to preserve the relationship. If fear or sadness are more acceptable, they might be able to outwardly express those emotions and get those needs met by their caregiver. Or they still might not result in emotional support from their caregiver, but they might be able to handle sadness/fear emotions better on their own, internally where anger may actively threaten the attachment dynamic (such as get them in trouble) - I believe this is the camp I fell into.

[Side point, but some people experience attachment trauma similar to me but with an opposite effect. They convert sadness and/or fear to anger because anger is more tolerated (or more respected?) by their caregivers than the other emotions. Or, if they are sad or fearful they'll be neglected, but anger might get them the attention/connection they need which can result in them converting more things to anger to get more of their needs met. People who are angry a LOT are likely experiencing this type of "secondary emotion" anger rather than core-emotion anger. Where I have a lot of anxiety which is a secondary emotion as I convert things to anxiety...and some people are sad/depressed a lot as a secondary emotion due to converting other emotions to sadness.]

Anyway. What I wanted to share in this post was that a realization I've had this week about my lack of anger. This idea was shared to me by a therapist and he was sharing from Gabor Mate's book When The Body Says No. But basically, he said this sort of automatic conversion of healthy anger into sadness/fear/some other emotion can be a form of disassociation.

I was diagnosed with PTSD at 13 or 14. I've known for a long time that I sometimes disassociate...but I thought it was a pretty rare thing for me. This week I've learned that what I was classifying as disassociation is disassociation, but it's a really intense form of it. My therapist explained it as being similar to anxiety in that you can feel a little nervous, or you can have a panic attack and both are anxiety. Disassociation has a similar scale ,but I was only really recognizing my disassociation as disassociation when it was at that extreme end.

This has helped me to understand why I need such a long period of decompressing after spending time around my family. I've always been a bit annoyed with how it tends to take up my whole day, rather than me being able to come home and jump into some project or something else I want to do. I've never really understood why it bogs me down. But I think it makes sense that it's because I'm having to process my disassociation and start to really feel the feelings that I wasn't actually feeling during the event.

And so I think part of what this means for me is...I might continue to really struggle to recognize when I should set boundaries with jerks in the moment. Because when I disassociate, I disconnect somewhat from my thoughts and feelings, so I can only fully make sense of them after the fact. And so part of figuring out some of the tricky relationships in my life (basically my stepdad and my mom) will likely mean getting okay with bringing things up after the fact.

Which feels pretty awkward to me, given how talking about feelings just isn't really a thing to begin with. My knee-jerk thinking is that if I am going to call out how someone treated me, it "should" be immediate. But that might not always be realistic for me. And there's no rule that says things can't be brought back up later even though I feel like there is. So, I'm going to try to keep that in mind for the future.

[abishekmuses]

Creative.

Cole Schafer’s newsletter - it made think a few things. 

This guy’s really good at selling himself. And I don’t mean in that ANY negative sense. He embodies all that is great about the American Hustle. 

Unashamed. That’s the thing. 

And his stuff inspires me to write. 

His brand of creativity somehow gives me the license to create - to write. For the joy of it. It makes it accessible and whatever the opposite of daunting is. 

I’m thinking - there are lot of stories from my life I’d like to share. Just like his story of his camping trip. That painfully awkward crush he had on that freckled Quebecois girl. 

I have stories like that. 

I guess I’m a “creative” after all. 

I never grew up identifying with a tag like that. Wonder how I would have turned out if I had. Would my associations have been different?

I guess we’ll never know. 

But now I know for sure - I’m a creative. I’m that kind of person. 

Ha - I remember even as kid, I was fascinated with the idea of being a physician writer. 

There was so much romance to the notion.

I also remembered today that I was fascinated with the idea of writing beautiful things and then throwing them away. Morbidly fascinated with the idea of somebody picking up those pages  and reading them, wondering who wrote them. 

I want to get more comfortable with this fact - the fact that I love creating verbal structures. I love expressing myself. It doesn’t need to be towards any end - It just needs to be. 

I have a need for aesthetics. Creating beauty is its own reward. And the best part about creating for myself is that I’ll always be able to see the beauty inherent in it - the limitations or the blemishes, if you will, won’t stop me from seeing how beautiful it is. 

I feel like I have so much to say. 

Do I feel ashamed of judgement? Is that it?

I think so. I think we all are, to varying extents. 

This is what I think it is - I think I want to be associated only with the most beautiful things I can create. Not with the mediocre. 

There is some validity to this notion - I mean, brand value and all. 

But if this is getting in the way of me creating things at all, then fuck it!

Man the linkedin thing is such a bummer. I wonder what it was? The Norway thing - that’s easily explainable though - 

Anyway, I hope it works out and has that effect of making me appreciate it more. 

I want more money in my life. 

I want to create without fear. 

I want to live for joy. 

I want to roam the world free from fear, anxiety and worry. 

I’m tired of worrying. 

I’m tired of thinking about money. 

Which is ironic because the fact still remains that I have a great job - even with the salary cut. 

I want to continue checking out Cole Schafer’s work - I think it will inspire me to create more. I want to create more. I want to put it out there. It would make me happy if people engage with the stuff I create. 

I don’t care if I’m stating the obvious. I like typing. Just for the fuck of it. 

And these are honest words - why would I not like to type them?

God I remember I’ve loved typing for the longest time. I remember - I’ve loved writing words for the longest time - Wonder why it’s taken so long for me to recognise this in myself. 

Is that how pervasively pernicious the South Indian middle class trap is?

Man. I wonder. 

If a guy like me who doesn’t have a single middle class sinew in me can be held back this much - this shit must really be pervasive then. 

I feel my neurosis slipping away every time I write. Maybe Tasha was right about the Gemini energy thing. 

I wonder what she’s upto - she can be really sweet. But also ditsy. She can be profound and dumb at the same time.

What I love about her is this - she has the ability to interact with a certain spectrum of humanity that I struggle to interact with. She does it so effortlessly and seems to be able to see greatness in them - I struggle possibly because of self-consciousness. Possibly because of some misplaced sense of elitism. Some sense of a disconnect? I don’t know. Like - I don’t like the way I’ being seen? Or think I’m being seen. 

This is a lovely change of pace - the words that are coming out now are of a higher order than the usual worried rants to myself that I produce - quotidian affairs. 

So yeah money. Money would be nice. Man Linkedin!

It’ll work out. 

I think I’ll be let off with a warning. 

Time to remember than zen thing - 85% is good. Slow is smooth. Smooth is fast. I tried building my body super quickly - My back fucked up. I tried coming up on linkedin too quickly - I got banned. I tried to make a lot of money too quickly - I haven’t published an article for ONiO in a whiiiiiiile. Patience. 

It’s eluded me. I need patience. I’ll find it I think. Nandi is the man.

Ahh yes I remember. before I got to the desk to write this - I was thinking about how I’m so filled with resentment and anger - how a lot of the stuff I say about India, and “ok sir”, and this and that - it’s not that the stuff itself can’t be well received - it’s the energy - the emotional charge that’s not well received. 

Can I transmute my resentment into humour?

I think I can. I think I am doing that.

Ok. Time to attend to the quotidian. But the supernal shall be where I dwell more and more.

#creative #creativity #selfdoubt #artist

[terselylove]

A life partner or a love partner?

"He never said what he wanted or needed. Instead, he said nothing at all, and the less he said, the more my wounds came to the surface. No response is a response, and for me, it was a devastating one."

It's often thought individuals with an avoidant attachment style do not have feelings or do not experience feelings and emotions to the degree others do, at least in terms of romantic love. One might assume that an individual with an avoidant attachment style can easily ghost someone, shut down in a romantic relationship, or withdraw because they lack empathy, consideration, or any remorse for their role in a relationship.

They lack healthy, mature coping strategies to navigate the feeling of being overwhelmed.

The truth is, individuals with avoidant tendencies experience feelings as any human does- the difference is they are experiencing "too much" of their feelings- an overload. They become bombarded by a flood of emotions and instead of sifting through them in a healthy way, individuals with avoidant tendencies tend to numb, shut down, withdraw.

Whereas anxiously attached tend to respond in dramatic, disproportionate ways like overloading and enmeshing their partner, avoidants shut down and disengage.

They are two opposite ends of a frustrating and complicated spectrum. Both fear the unpredictability & risk inherent in love and vulnerability, and both lack healthy, mature skills to navigate those fears.

His ignoring my call and avoiding me many times after that only triggered me more. It's interesting. A grown man, as wise as he is- all he had to do was say, "hey, I need some space," and on my end, as an adult, it's my job to respect that space.

He never did. He never said what he wanted or needed. Instead, he said nothing at all, and the less he said, the more my wounds came to the surface. No response is a response, and for me, it was a devastating one. It is rejection. Rejection from a man I had just given the very best of me to. Rejection after having been rejected by my mother- and shitty for me, maternal love and romantic love cross paths within the same region of the brain.

both are highly rewarding experiences,

both are necessary and,

in the presence of their rejection, both hurt like hell.

Rule #1: Rejection breeds obsession.

We become fixated on needing to know how or why we are unworthy. We become obsessed with our abandonment wounds and, in any way we can, soothing them to the extent necessary. The problem is that we do so in unhealthy habits that push us further away from the very thing we want. Connection.

Rule #2: In our pursuit of connection, we become disconnected.

In all my anxiously attached ways (which, might I add- I had thought I grew out of),

Rule #3: Adulthood is a different version of childhood. You see, I don't believe it's the case that any of us ever fully grow out of the inner child in us that was abandoned, neglected, criticized, bullied, unnoticeable- you name it. We are never entirely without reminders of how we lacked love as a child or, what we had to be or do to receive love. Our wounds never go away, they only become less painful.

…or maybe they don’t.

I recruit all the words that express how deeply hurt I am and try to convey the depth of my pain to him.

Is this how you communicated in your marriage?" I ask.

He took it as a jab, but honestly, it was a genuine question. Things began to become clear to me. Frequently, at the root of infidelity is disconnection, and if it is true that his wife had cheated on him, I can see how. There likely was a lack of real connection- the kind that notices gaps or spaces of disconnection and uses communication to navigate how to remedy those gaps.

If his communication skills were to shut down or withdraw during times of conflict, it makes sense she went elsewhere to find connection and that feeling of aliveness. A mundane marriage with surface-level communication is no marriage at all.

…it is cohabitating.

In fact, I’d argue many marriages lately are exactly this. Now, some are healthy and exist for the right reasons, but unless you spend time really getting to know yourself relationally- understand how you operate in and around love. Unless you are committed to understanding how love was modeled for you- it will likely be impossible to understand a partner. Yet, so many couples think they do understand their partner until something drastic, like betrayal happens, and one comes to realize, “I never really knew them at all”.

Rule #4: Maybe you never really knew you at all. We must have relational self awareness before we have any chance at knowing our partner, and before we have any chance of knowing our partnership.

His fear of commitment is made obvious in his willingness to fly elsewhere- somewhere even further than had he got on a plane to me. This, is perhaps the most gut wrenching part of the story because it confirms a heartbreaking narrative- ‘you’re not good enough for me to step outside my comfort zone’.

When all is said and done, the lesson is one I knew I needed to learn but avoided learning. The lesson is this: Do not go for emotionally unavailable people. When you do, you demonstrate your own emotional availability.

I knew, despite wanting to face it, I should have never went for him in the first place. The many red flags were apparent from the beginning, and it was my responsibility to take them at face value. As adults, people can show us who they are, or who they are not, and what we choose to do with their showing says more about us and our self-awareness.

The stories moving forward are no longer about ‘him’, but ‘her’, and the her she knew herself to be before he played a roll in her forgetting who she was. 🤍

Rule #5: When someone does not choose you, do not stick around and try to convince them to stay, wait for them to change, or hope they’ll come around. When someone does not choose you, you must choose you. When someone plays it safe, so must you by protecting your self-worth. Every narrative will run through your mind telling you the story of how you are unworthy, not good enough- these narratives are wound based. Ensure your behavior is value-based.

[ickybby]

sometimes, fawn can't help but wonder if the family is just comprised of black sheeps. each of them seemingly screwed up beyond repair in their unique ways. at one point, it appears fawn's getting a shot at normalcy until that pesky boredom breeds an impulsive streak. when there's no one she confides in about this or the piss-poor choices coming into play, there's no one around to give her a reality check about the serious consequences and the possible ramifications she could be facing. jonah would've been the person fawn went to babble to. but early adulthood's self-consciousness leaves her pulling away from the people who had always been a constant in her life in favor of outsourcing the attention and excitement she's craving from strangers online. instead of leaning into their newfound awkwardness until it passes, fawn avoids the feeling and (by default) her sibling at all costs. fawn's humiliated to have her (not so) private business put on blast by none other than her older brother. though maybe glad if something could be done to remedy the disconnect.

the buzzing between her thighs is becoming more difficult to tune out. she drops her hold on him as her erratic breathing sends the inky waves of luscious locks rippling around her shoulders, the ends tickling her collarbone. when she speaks, the soft lilt to her tone is shockingly gentle. genuine in the meaning of her words, despite the abrasively blunt way she doesn't hesitate to question him. not necessarily a challenge but rather someone vying for the truth, reminiscent of a youthful inquisitiveness she's yet to outgrow. “are you actually upset that this is how i'm spending my time?” dainty hands wave the smartphone for emphasis before tucking it behind the string of her bikini, the weight of it stretching the material dangerously close to exposing her mound, the skin there smooth save for the small patch of hair meticulously groomed into a heart just above her slick slit. "—- or are you pissed you didn't know sooner? i'm kinda getting mixed signals here." her eyes trail down to the outline of his cock straining against his jeans, wondering what he looks like underneath the layers of clothing.

"i can be honest if you can," there's that lively edge to her voice again. a twinkle of playfulness lights up eyes so dark they almost look black as she dangles the proposition before him. "for example, i — i'm not giving you all the credit. the toy's built up some anticipation too. i mean, it was here before you." try as she might, that's about as close to the truth she can get to. still a tad too timid to mimic the filth jonah's spewing even if there are strands of truth woven in there. her mouth parts open as he continues to toy with her body, pink tongue lapping at her bottom lip as fawn tries to regain her focus. where his strengths air on the side of stoical defenses, fawn's vulnerability and her tendency to romanticize landed her opposite that spectrum. he's perfected his phlegmatic nature to work in his favor. while she's barely had time to tread in the extreme waves of emotions she's prone to drowning in. much less get a grip on regulating her sensitivities. "that's different. it's made for..." the word virgins dies on her lips as if that's enough to stop him from gaining ammunition. "shut up. i don't need to explain this to you. why do you even care how many fingers i can take? are YOURS going in there? or is this about as far as—" her hips squirm against his finger, soft glossy lips parting with another dulcet moan. there's a strange pang of jealousy and excitement that hits; though fawn can't help the vivid images jonah's crude confession brings to life. maybe it's the weed leaving her surroundings feeling surreal, or perhaps the fact that she's just a fucked up person without pot involved; regardless, fawn no longer cares enough to be coy. "honestly, jonah? i was kinda just teasing you to see if i could like, reverse psychology you into fucking me. think i did it wrong. but i lost my psych textbook. don't tell, 'kay?"

his sister had created an entire online persona for herself and jonah had been entirely ignorant to it, blissfully ( or not really, considering the lectures from their mother ) unaware of what she was really undertaking in the privacy of her room. neither of them had what anyone would or could call a 'conventional' upbringing and maybe, maybe fawn was now experiencing the aftershocks of it? although jonah definitely would have preferred she do something more pg like actually game fully clothed. what else was she hiding? looking at her now it was as if he was staring in to a mirror cracked directly down the middle ; the sister he thought he knew and the slutty girl who played with herself for random people to tip and enjoy. they'd always been undeniably in sync with one another, he was the one person he could rely on outside of his own mother. there'd been an inherent comfort in it until she began pulling away, as if she too deemed herself above him somehow.

"annoyingly charming?" his brows knit together at her choice of words, how in any other situation he'd laugh and call her an idiot. now his cock is rigid inside his trousers and he can't quite manage to pull his gaze away from her pussy for longer than a few seconds. "that's a way of puttin' it fawn and for the record i was immune until you started pullin' this shit", the justification for his arousal came in the form of so many internal statements, some he'd voiced and others he hadn't. his sister was doing it for an audience so why not him? she was spreading her legs and playing with her pussy, so why couldn't he enjoy it too? she was a grown woman and while he hadn't noticed the transition happening, she was beautiful and likely far too out of his league had she not been his own sister.

weed enters his system and coats his insides in a languid haze, limbs loosening and cock aching as he plays with his little sibling's clothed cunt. "that toy got you this responsive or are you just thirsting for your own brother's cock that badly?" his finger continues it's torture on her hole, feeling the warmth of her pussy through the thin slip of fabric. fuckin' cow print. "what?" feigned innocence appears on his features, though his finger doesn't let up, he's having too much fun. "thought you could handle it, no? sure looked like you could when you were stuffing that toy into your bikini a minute ago." scoffing his hues roll at her weak attack on him, those insults like tiny pebbles attempting to crack the hard exterior he's had to build over the years. "how would you know what'll hurt and what won't? bet you can't even fit two fingers inside this, can you?" head dips so their eyes connect, finger pressing just a shade harder against the fabric. "of course it counts, i slipped my dick into her wet cunt. i fucked that needy bitch and she liked it. is that what you wanna hear faw?"

[6sakusa]

‘why’ part 2, miya atsumu.

wc : 1.6k

warnings : post break up themes, implications of toxic relationship, cheating.

part 1

it had been a year, yes, an entire year had passed and yet miya atsumu still couldn’t get his mind off of you, in fact, it seemed to get worse as time progressed. the thought of you not being here by his side was suddenly becoming a reality and it took his mind by a sickening storm. initially, he believed that you’d come back and he’d get the chance to sort out the entire situation, perhaps beg for your forgiveness and give you the speech he had been practicing for the past months that would guarantee the two of you getting back together.

he made sure to change the locks of what used to be your shared apartment just to make sure if you had come by to get the rest of your stuff you wouldn’t be able to get inside unless he was home. he took almost all the extra precautions necessary and he had the upmost faith that you be back in his arms soon enough. and when you were, he swore to himself that he would never let you go. he had it all planned out, the two of you would settle down together and have a beautiful family, all his past digressions would be forgotten.

it had even become so bad to the point where he had begun skipping out practices, babbling to his teammates about how “y/n might come back today!”. they would all shoot him sympathetic glances at his words knowing that even though he was too blind to see it you would be the biggest fool to come crawling back and therefore, it would never happen.

it took osamu talking some harsh sense into him much to bokuto and hinata’s dismay to get him to understand the severity of the entire situation.

“you do realise you cheated on her? over and over again, why would she come back? be realistic, you two are over and you’ll probably never see her again, it’s been months.” atsumu glanced up at his brothers harsh words but chose to disregard them. “you’ll see, you’ll all see.”

but the day never came, he never heard your light knock on the door, the clicking of your heels as you walked into your shared apartment, the smile that etched your lips as you locked eyes with him, your laugh that echoed throughout the living-room when he told a joke that he knew you’d find funny. and he missed all those things with his entire heart, it was from then on he understood that you were irreplaceable.

looking back on it he couldn’t believe how he had made you feel, he wondered how long you had known, how many nights did you cry alone knowing that he was lying to you? how hard was it to pretend that everything was alright because you wanted to hold on to your relationship with him more than anything? how long did you believe that it was going to be possible to fix things? why did you give up…?

“don’t you think you're becoming a little too obsessed?” his brother asked the day he proposed hiring a private investigator to find out where you’d gone off to. even though he respected your privacy it was hard knowing nothing about your current situation or at the very least, if you were alright. all of your friends had disconnected from him and you had completely ceased speaking to his, even your parents were no longer anywhere to be found. more than anything he just wanted to know that you were alive and okay.

“she’s probably fine and is doing better off now.” his twin assured him, but those words didn’t have the comfort that was intended. better off? he thought to himself. but the two of you had promised to always love each other, he’d even given you a ring for God’s sake, how could you be better off? how could you function? why weren’t you broken the way he was? were you not searching for him too? you knew exactly where to find him if you wanted to, maybe, you just didn’t care and atsumu couldn’t bear the thought of it.

and maybe, that’s what led him to a late night walk at 11pm in the midst of the night to clear his head. he knew he didn’t deserve you but that didn’t mean he could live without you. he knew what he needed to do and he was willing to go to any lengths to do it, to be better for you, and to be loved by you once again, and in return he’d be the perfect boyfriend and this time he’d keep his promise, this time you’d keep the ring on.

the frosty air of the midnight streets prickled against his skin but it was nothing compared to the feeling of emptiness that was left inside him from the moment you were gone, it was almost as if he was immune to everything, he was completely numb and it was even beginning to worry those who were closest to him. even osamu had stated he’d never seen his twin brother this depressed in his entire life, and what was worse is that he couldn’t do anything to fix it.

atsumu was only pulled out of his thoughts by the dim light radiating from a corner store, the crimson neon sign that echoed ‘open’ was slowly dying out but he paid no attention to it as he pushed open the door, becoming engulfed in the warm atmosphere that originated from the artificial heaters. he sighed to himself rubbing his palm together in a pathetic attempt to create friction and that’s when he felt it. a thud in the side of his shoulder followed by rattling of various products hitting the floor.

“my bad, let me help you there.” he watched as the figure before him froze at the sound of his voice and he couldn't believe he didn’t notice at first. even though your hat was gracefully hiding your face he should’ve known at the familiar scent of your perfume.

“y/n?” his voice was unsteady even though he’d imagined this moment countless times. he had an entire speech prepared for you, what was he going to say again? he couldn’t recall, his mind went blank at the sight of you and by the way you still hadn’t moved, not even to look up at him told that you had almost the same reaction, except the feelings that erupted in your chests were entirely different. atsumu was blinded by love and you on the other hand, hate. you were on two opposite ends of the spectrum but that was something your ex-boyfriend refused to acknowledge.

“i’ve been looking everywhere for you, i can’t believe you’re here, did you come back for me? i’ve been wa—“

his voice was cut off by a man who turned the corner to see you collecting items off the ground. “babe, are you okay?” he rushed to your side to assist you.

babe? atsumu thought to himself, maybe he has the wrong person, yes definitely, this man must be confused. he’s probably mistaken you for someone else since you’re wearing that pesky hat, afterall it does make it hard to see your true identity. what a fool, he had half the mind to shoo him away since he was bothering you—

“yeah i’m fine.” you responded turning to face the male with a smile and there it was .. the feeling of his heart clenching when you looked up at him for a brief second as if he wasn’t even important to you. this wasn’t how he imagined this to go, and who the hell is this porcupine getting all handsy with you? and why are you responding to him? there’s no way.. it couldn’t be..

“y/n is this a friend of yours?” the man stopped shooting atsumu a handsome smile, the male’s build wasn’t much different from his own and he could tell that he was in athletics of some type. his demeanor wasn’t necessarily friendly per se, instead it he held an air of indifference around him. if he hadn’t just seen him getting all smitten with you there was no doubt it would be hard for him to imagine it.

“no hajime.” atsumu snapped out of his thoughts at the sound of your voice, it was still like a drug to him and he hated the way it was saying someone elses name and not his. you had no idea of the things he would do just to get you to say you loved him again, he wanted to hear it out of that beautiful mouth of yours accompanied by your pretty voice.

“he’s nobody.” you gave him one more glance and he noticed that there was an unrecognisable look in your eye. it was so cold and uncaring that it took him a while to process your words as the two of them barged past him.

he’s nobody? what are you saying? did you not recognise him? no .. of course you did he looked the exact same, so why would you say that? and that was the moment his whole life shattered before him. the moment he watched you walk out of the store, hand in hand with the man next to you, a smile beaming on your face, eyes full of love that used to be directed at him and he couldn’t help but stare even though it pained him more than anything he’d ever felt in his life.

the last time miya atsumu cried this hard was when he was six years old, but this day had beaten it by a landslide.

[rogue-of-broken-time]

I've seen a lot of… er… discussion regarding the scary videos on the internet vid pop up on my dash, and I just wanna get this off my chest…

While "I really want new JSE ego content" does NOT equal "I am absolutely rabid for every little glitch and possibility in every single video Seán uploads"

and "I don't have many expectations for anything any time soon" does NOT equal "I am here to kill all the hope and joy for other theorists/artists/writers who want something to latch onto"…

… I've been feeling a sort of divide of those groups into those stereotypes lately.

First of all, yes, there WILL be people on both ends of that spectrum– to be fair, there always have been– but just because one person gets excited where another person finds exhaustion doesn't mean either of those opinions are wrong. And it doesn't mean those opinions can't coexist; I myself have a degree of excitement for whatever Seán has planned for our boys, but I'm not holding my breath or putting pressure on him for it.

So let me say this, in the absolute gentlest and non-offensive way possible: Not everything has to mean something, and not everything has to not mean something.

Not every "glitch" has to mean something ego- or Anti-related. And on the flip-side of that same statement, not every subtle comment he makes doesn't have to not be intriguing to you. The whole deal with Seán's ego content and how it differs from other YouTubers' is the community interaction– and as a byproduct of that, it's almost hard to say what exactly is and isn't canonical. Which poses a bit of a problem in a community as big and passionate as this one; the one we're dealing with right now, in fact.

Along with that, there's been a bit of a disconnect between canon and fan-made content with regards to the egos and such. And it's hard for there not to be, again with the size and passion of our community– but that's actually okay. If Seán were still on Tumblr, I'm like 95% sure he'd actually be encouraging us to make our own content out of it, because we give life to his characters in our own ways and inspire him in return. The distance he's taken from this site just hasn't really helped our side of the situation much– which isn't any fault of his, it's just the way things ended up happening.

In conclusion though, let me reiterate that whatever distance you're feeling from the ego community right now is valid, whether you feel as though we're up in flames (or will be soon) or whether you feel the opposite. What isn't valid is going after people of other opinions because of it.

Let people have their fun with their theories and writing and art, but at the same time, give respect to the people who aren't feeling the same spark.

Bonus: it's okay if both of those statements of "people" apply to you.

–Sincerely, a semi-veteran ego theorist

(… just felt like I had to get this out of me before the anniversaries of Mayhem 2018 start popping up.)

[helbertinelli]

since she grew up a temple kid. It provided a common ground and a similarity that I don't feel like Anakin ever had in the movies with the other Jedi. It really does seem like to them Anakin is just... on an entirely different spectrum they understand. If there were temple raised kids who were as connected to people and emotions as Anakin was I think they'd be better equipped to help put him at ease and not react like Anakins being unreasonable when he speaks up against things he doesn't agree

Oh oops, I didn’t realize this was a multi-part ask when I answered it, so I’m going to add all the parts here for continuity’s sake:

Just gotta say, the number one WORST thing about TCW is how much they aged Anakin. He was a BABY, not just baby-faced, but a barely-even-an-adult GENERAL for a fucking galactic army of slaves. Such a big part of Anakin's tragedy is how young he is. How much all of that responsibility, stress, PTSD, emotional disconnection, etc weighs him down. I... really dislike how they made him look so weary in show, because Anakins so used to and so good at hiding everything behind a façade. Being so young (1/4)

and being the face of the Republic is.. so important in his break down and how it was so easy for the people closest to him (like Obi Wan) to truly believe he was just as fine as he claimed he was. Also one of the things I have against Ahsoka purely as a character that was even developed, is that... She takes away from from the isolation and alienation Anakin had felt around the other Jedi. Even though she left and it was due to betrayal from the Jedi... She was far too like Anakin especially (2/4)

since she grew up a temple kid. It provided a common ground and a similarity that I don't feel like Anakin ever had in the movies with the other Jedi. It really does seem like to them Anakin is just... on an entirely different spectrum they understand. If there were temple raised kids who were as connected to people and emotions as Anakin was I think they'd be better equipped to help put him at ease and not react like Anakins being unreasonable when he speaks up against things he doesn't agree (3/4)

with. And they'd be far better at keeping him "in line" and have him respect and listen and obey the rules of the order. Instead of, you know, everything he does in canon pretty much (which is also why I don't think Obi Wan knows about Anakin/Padme until the very end or that he ever had a real romantic relationship with anyone. There's just some kind of emotional comprehension/knowledge Obi Wan lacks when it comes to Anakins feelings for Padme), (4/4)

Yeah, I agree with this. Ahsoka was in many ways a plot hole to SW. Anakin being given a Padawan is really weird given how little the Council trusted him in AOTC and ROTS. I doubt they would have given him the responsibility of training a Padawan. Ahsoka existing in Anakin’s life came at odds with how Anakin’s relationship with the Jedi Order was portrayed. I feel like she would have been way better if she was the Padawan of Obi-Wan or of another Jedi.

I remember GL saying that he made Ahsoka so that people could relate more to Anakin and show that Anakin matured, but I don’t think that him looking after a child and training a Padawan made him more relatable. Him being out of place and trying to fit in, him not knowing how to deal with his feelings, him being so close to having a good life and then that life slipping through his fingers, him dealing with all of his pain and all of his loss, and him falling in love and loving Padme more than anything in the world make him more relatable than being a Jedi master to a Padawan.

 We didn’t really need Ahsoka as proof that Anakin matured between AOTC and ROTS. We already had Anakin getting married, Anakin losing his arm, and a whole war starting where Anakin had to watch a lot of people die and a lot of lives lost to understand why Anakin is different than in AOTC. I never felt like there was an unexplained discrepancy between how Anakin acts in AOTC and how he acts in ROTS. It all seemed to flow naturally if you just watch the story.

Anakin in TCW seems to feel at home with the rest of the Jedi Order, he is actually shown to be more comfortable and happier with other Jedi than he is with Padme. It’s rare (if ever) in TCW when Anakin is challenged by or goes against another Jedi (Barriss doesn’t count because she was a villain), but he fights with Padme a lot (a lot for their relationship where they almost never fight). He seems to be accepted and well-liked by the Jedi Order and the Council and he seems to be mistrusted and doubted and viewed as a burden by Padme. Which is the opposite of how those two relationships are supposed to go.

And honestly, I’m starting to see why people say that was a different character in TCW, because 1. We only see the part of Anakin that’s the war general, and we only rarely see the part of Anakin that’s Padme’s husband and 2. His established relationships with other characters are changed, and because of that Anakin himself doesn’t appear to be the same character anymore.

[dani-of-the-cosmos]

~RANDOM ASTROLOGICAL OBSERVATIONS~

*please note that i don’t view these generalizations as a catch-all or judge someone based solely on their natal chart. these observations are just from what i’ve seen and i am writing this post for fun and also to educate those who are interested in astrology! thank you xx*

-air signs (gemini, libra, aquarius): the men are usually a bit more on the feminine side, energy-wise, and the women are a little more masculine in essence.

-any positive mars-pluto aspect (conjunction, trine, sextile) (or simply having mars in scorpio) is extremely attractive and sexually magnetic.

-i’ve noticed that people with their moon in pisces tend to be easily morphed, used, strung along, and manipulated by others. this is because they are inherently trusting and in many cases lack a strong sense of self. they want a steady outlet for their overwhelmingly strong emotions, and subconsciously they look for something to identify with...even if it’s toxic.

-any prominent aquarius placement can cause the person to seem intriguingly detached and elusive, which some astrologers call “distant glamour”. this aquarian energy is very cerebral, and is most comfortable with mental pursuits as opposed to emotional ones. i’ve also noticed that people with prominent aquarius energy attract very emotional people, and this disconnect fuels attraction and tension. but, in the end, oftentimes aquarians end up breaking lots of hearts without meaning to due to this detached, analytical, and magnetically distant nature.

-fire rising signs (aries, leo, sagittarius) are, in my opinion, the most attractive (especially aries rising).

-prominent lilith placements (aspecting inner planets, sun, ascendant or midheaven) are known to create dark, hypnotic sexual appeal, but from what i’ve seen, that’s not all it does: women with lots of lilith energy/aspects are often hated by other women and viewed as a threat of some sort. often, even if she is sweet and well-meaning inside, a lilithian woman very often comes off as disruptive and illicits negative reactions from people. this pattern combined with her startling sexual appeal sends her mixed messages about her self-worth, and as a result she often feels confused and pained inside.

-libra men are devastatingly captivating, due to their effortless charm and their ability to relate to women on what could be referred to as a “feminine level”. these men are chill and “lowkey”. they don’t mean to make a spectacle of themselves; they just naturally radiate magnetism, resulting in receiving lots of attention. this combined with the libran love of praise and compliments may evolve into a problem for the libra man: he must learn to be aware of his effect on others and use it carefully, rather than basking in the attention...even if it means he doesn’t have as much rambunctious fun in the end.

-when i’ve been attracted to girls, they almost always are capricorns with moons in scorpio! it’s something about the closed-off yet feminine energy of capricorn, which makes you want to naturally learn more about them. this is heightened when you can sense the intensity and, perhaps sensuality, (provided by the scorpio moon) lurking beneath their somewhat cold exterior. it is endlessly fascinating to talk to and get to know these women; they seem too magical to be a real, mundane human. as a result, they attract restless types looking for a new code to crack.

-any adverse mars-pluto or mars-saturn aspect (square, opposition) can, to put it simply, make someone shockingly mean when angered, or just in general. the sheer force and passion of mars combined with the destructive intensity of pluto can cloud someone’s judgement and prompt them to commit life-altering decisions in the heat of the moment without considering the future consequences. on the other hand, the previously mentioned sheer force and passion of mars in friction with saturn’s restrictive, cynical and disciplinarian energy can make the native excessively cold and prone to giving the “silent treatment”...and as a parent, can be overly strict and firm with punishments and rules.

-venus in libra tends to be more interested in the idea of romance than sex. they are turned on by gentle caresses, candlelight dinners and beautiful settings as opposed to the more primal side of the spectrum. if not given proper anticipation or trust within their partner, venuisan-librans can even be repulsed by the mechanics of sex.

-prominent chiron placements can give a great sense of self-deprecating, cynical humor to the native. think of the modern “gen z” and “millenial” types on social media: outlandish, ironically over-sharing, and shamelessly relatable. this is because chiron is “the wounded healer”, using its own pain to bestow healing and/or positivity onto others who share their struggles.

-geminis get a bad reputation and are hated among astrological hoes (due to their two-faced nature and witty insults) but hear me out: geminis are some of the most self-aware people i have ever met, due to their natural ability to read social situations and gouge other peoples’ under-the-radar reactions to them. they often struggle with their own self-image and wonder how to project it outwards into the world because they overthink so much of the time. their brains are so quick, moving a mile a minute, due to their sheer intelligence that often screws them over in the end. when you truly get to know a gemini, you’ll find that most times, they genuinely care about others, and they’ll use their detail-oriented nature to subtly make you happy in more ways than you could’ve imagined!

-sun in the 5th house can make someone restless and feel generally bored and perhaps unsatisfied. this is because the 5th house rules pleasure, creativity, adventure, social life, art, partying...you know, all that good stuff. the sun represents “you” (your overall identity), so if your sun is in the 5th house, chances are you live to have fun. you don’t feel stimulated and fulfilled unless you have constant novelty flitting around you, and as a result, everyday life can feel slow and humdrum. this placement combined with prominent cancer placements creates conflicting needs for routine and security but also fun, variety, and consistent change. yikes.

-mercury in virgo, especially in men, comes across as charmingly anxious. when talking to a mercurian-virgo, you may often feel like you have the upper hand in the conversation, denoting a playful energy to the dynamic. these people are easy to become attracted to, as they feed the egos of those who like to be dominant and in control.

*a note: planetary placements are usually thought to just represent parts of oneself, but can also be viewed differently: planetary placements can also represent prominent figures in your life. for example, i just discussed adverse mars-saturn aspects. saturn is known to be a “father figure” in astrology, so perhaps someone with a difficult mars-saturn placement deals with rage and friction between them and their father. you can apply this to other placements as well! (mother placements include the moon and sometimes venus. father placements include saturn and sometimes mars. lover placements include venus {feminine} and mars {masculine}. mercury placements can reveal lots about a person’s children.) remember, astrology is highly subjective and should be used as a tool for insight. you are not doomed to your placements! you just have to make the best of the traits that come naturally to you and the situations you are prone to landing in. you can ask me questions and i’ll try my best to answer them!*