#but now the medication's taking over and your mental state's deteriorating slow

[hercleverboy]

the year of goodbyes

spencer reid x gn!reader

masterlist

summary ↠ over the course of a year, Spencer says goodbye to three people— and hello to one.

category ↠ angst/fluff

warnings/includes ↠ takes place in s11, talk of Alzheimer’s,  

word count ↠ 1.8k

massive shoutout to my beloved @ellesgreenaway for beta reading and encouraging me to finish this piece— india you are my actual saving grace

“If you’re brave enough to say goodbye, life will reward you with a new hello.” — Paulo Coelho

People leaving wasn’t exactly a new concept for Spencer.

He knew it all too well, the familiar look that was cast over peoples features, how their eyes got glassy and lips twitched as they prepared to tell him that they were yet another person who would leave him behind— like so many had before.

But their choice of words was always different. He noticed a sort of pattern, when it came to people walking out of his life. They tended to dance around the words, never exactly saying ‘I’m leaving you.’

First, it was his father. He’d watched him pack a suitcase full of things, spit angry words at his mother and then turn to him, his son— placing his hand on his shoulder, mumbling a few cowardly words and that was that. Spencer no longer had a father.

(‘I’m sorry. I just don’t know how to look after you anymore.’)

Second was Gideon, who never actually said goodbye in person (and Spencer couldn’t decide whether that was better or worse.) Instead, he left, wrote words down on a page and then addressed it to him.

(‘Spencer, I knew you would be the one to come down here.’)

And again, with Alex. Not a goodbye, not in the formal sense, but Spencer’s heart ached with how he knew what this was— he recognised the look on her face and knew that once again, he would lose someone he loved.

(‘You know, Ethan would’ve been a lot like you.’)

Everyone in Spencer’s life started to feel temporary. There one minute, gone the next. He wished that meant that he cared any less for them, or that it hurt any less when they left.

Of course, that was never the case.

His mother’s mental state had been deteriorating rapidly, and nothing— not anything that Spencer’s big genius brain could think of — was helping her.

When he visited her, he saw the vacant look in her eyes. He recognised the look of confusion on her face when he’d enter the room, ignoring how his heart squeezed painfully upon realising that his own mother no longer remembered him.

It would take her a few minutes, but eventually the confusion would disappear and she would give him a smile, greeting him with open arms and warm words.

It was a different kind of leaving, but she was leaving him all the same. She wasn’t physically going anywhere, but, mentally?

He saw how she was deteriorating, he argued with countless doctors and medical professionals, exhausting every book and resource he could find— just hoping he could come up with something.

But, no.

He found it a little ironic. He was the boy wonder, the resident genius of the Bureau’s elite behavioural analysis unit, a smartass who had endless amounts of knowledge.

He always had the answer, always had the solution.

Ironic— because the man who was supposed to know it all, had no clue how to protect his mother from a disease that would inevitably take her from him.

It wasn’t something he would ever come to terms with, it was never something he would accept. He knew how it was going to go, the doctors told him as much.

The day would come that he would walk into his mother’s room, and those vacant eyes would never gain clarification. Her confusion wouldn’t pass, and she would no longer recognise him.

Spencer dreaded that day.

He feared it, even. 

Because the day he lost his mother would be the day he lost himself. 

*

When Catherine Adams’ file came across Spencer’s desk, he thrusted all of his agony over his mother into the case. It was why he decided that he would be the one to take her down in the restaurant, why he insisted that she wouldn’t perceive him as a threat. 

Oddly enough, Spencer found himself intrigued by her. Perhaps, he simply enjoyed being intellectually challenged in such a way.  Or perhaps, somewhere deep down in the darkest parts of himself, he liked the attention, got off on being able to outsmart her. 

He was smug when he managed to trick her into getting into the back of the police van, under the guise that he’d found her father. (After all, she was ‘just another girl with daddy issues’.) 

It was only when Cat gave him a grin, one that contrasted with the tears that slipped down her cheeks, that Spencer felt uneasy. 

He crouched down in front of her, whispered a small, “Goodbye, Cat,” before getting up and leaving the van, feeling a weight on his chest that made it difficult for him to breathe. 

Again, it was a different type of goodbye. One he was of course relieved about, because with it brought the promised safety of Penelope, now that Cat was behind bars. Although, alongside the relief, there was a sour aftertaste. 

It was what led him to take a moment, sitting down on the swings in the park, hands trembling slightly as they grabbed the chains, swinging gently in a slow rhythm that he hoped would calm him down. 

The last words Cat had said to him played over and over in his head. 

“In twenty years, you won’t remember my name. But I’ll remember yours.” 

At first, Spencer assumed she was referring to how after a while, Cat would simply blend into the sea of seemingly never-ending unsubs who all tried, and failed, to outsmart the team.

It was only later that Spencer realised she was instead insinuating that he would succumb to the same disease as his mother— forgetting not only those that he loved, but the ones he hated too.

*

Spencer’s best friend was going to be a father. 

The team were gathered in the waiting room, eagerly awaiting news, when Morgan came out with a smile on his face. “It’s a boy!” 

Pure, unbridled joy burst throughout the room, with Spencer lurching forward to wrap his arms around him, laughing and giving his congratulations. He swallowed the lump that began to form in his throat and pushed away the thoughts that swirled around his mind. Deep down, he knew what would inevitably happen, but that moment wasn’t the right time to think about it. 

It was late in the evening when Derek Morgan stopped by Spencer’s desk. Before he even looked up from his paperwork, he knew where this conversation was going to go. When he did look up, it all but confirmed it— he saw the sad smile on Morgan’s lips, and watched how his eyes glossed over.

He said nothing though. Instead, he smiled and chuckled as Morgan gushed over his newborn son. His smile got even bigger when Morgan handed over the birth announcement— Hank Spencer Morgan.

Although he knew what was coming, he knew what decision Morgan was going to make, he expected nothing less from his best friend. A man who had grown immensely in the years he’d known him, going from a real ladies man to someone who would give up his job in order to be there for his family.

Morgan placed his hand on Spencer’s shoulder, a sigh leaving his lips. “Kid, listen. Here’s the thing..”

“I know.” Spencer whimpered quietly, smiling sadly. “It’s okay. I know. And I understand.”

He watched Derek Morgan walk away, sniffling as he willed the tears to keep at bay. He watched his best friend, his brother, walk away. And it hurt, God it hurt. But he was so proud of the man that Morgan had become that he pushed aside the hurt, reminding himself of what he knew to be true.

Everyone left eventually. 

Spencer feared that one day, he would look around and find that he was truly and utterly alone.

*

It was a normal Tuesday morning, and Spencer was making his way through the FBI Headquarters, up to the BAU floor. He stepped into the elevator, his coffee mug in one hand, and his other resting over his satchel. Just before the door closed, he heard someone call out. 

“Hold the doors!” 

Spencer reached a hand out, pushing the doors back open. 

You scuttled into the elevator, looking over to the male next to you with a smile. “Thank you for holding the doors. I’m already running a little late for my first day.” You explained, reaching to press the button for the fifth floor, watching as the elevator doors closed again. 

“The fifth floor? The Sex Crimes Unit?” Spencer asked curiously. 

You nodded. 

“It’s your first day?” 

“Yeah, I moved here for the job a couple of weeks back. It was an incredible opportunity, I couldn’t pass it up.” You expressed, and Spencer gave you a tight lipped smile in return. “I’m presuming you work here as well?” 

He nodded. “I’m in the Behavioural Analysis Unit, a floor up from you.” 

“Well, that’s good to hear. At least I have one friend in the building, if it turns out my new team hate me.” You joked, glad when Spencer let out a little laugh. 

“I’m sure that won’t be the case. You seem very likeable.” 

You grinned up at him. “Thank you.”

The elevator dinged, the doors opening. You looked over at your new friend, flashing him a nervous smile. “Well, wish me luck.”

“Good luck.” He smiled back, raising his hand in a small wave as you left the elevator. 

After a long day of paperwork (and thinking of the pretty person he’d met in the elevator), Spencer gathered together his things before getting into the elevator. It stopped on the floor below, and when the doors opened, he smiled at the sight of you. 

You looked up from where you’d been looking down at your phone, mirroring his grin. “Hey! It’s you.” 

“Yes—yes, It is, me.” Spencer replied, cringing awkwardly at his nonsensical response. 

You only laughed quietly at it, entering the elevator. 

“How was your first day?” He asked, only to be polite. 

You seemed surprised that he’d asked, but answered nonetheless. “It was good! Turns out my team don’t hate me. Or at least, I don’t think they do?” Your voice raised in question, making Spencer laugh a little. 

“See? What did I tell you?” He grinned, and you rolled your eyes playfully. 

You leaned over, nudging his shoulder with yours. “I’m Y/N, by the way.” 

“Spencer.” 

“It’s lovely to meet you, Spencer. For the second time today.” 

Spencer smiled shyly, hands delving into his pockets as the elevator dinged. The two of you stepped out, looking at one another with timid expressions. 

“My car, it’s that way.” You pointed to the other end of the car park. 

“I take the subway.” Spencer responded, wishing he could find a way to make you stay a little longer.

“Well, have a good evening, Spencer.” You beamed. “I’ll see you tomorrow?” 

“Yes!” He responded a little eagerly, sighing inwardly before clearing his throat. “I mean yeah, sure that- that’s cool.” 

You giggled quietly, waving goodbye before turning toward your car. 

Spencer blushed the whole way to the subway station, biting back the smile on his lips at the thought of you. 

People leaving wasn’t exactly a new concept for Spencer. 

But you? 

He had the feeling that you were going to be a very permanent part of his life, and he didn’t mind that in the slightest. 

*

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[angstymdzsthoughts]

Ignorance is a bliss

Imagine if “come to gusu with me” ends up with wwx passed out of exhaustion before he could reject the offer. Lwj did brought him to gusu and under the jurisdiction of the elders, after wwx is nursed back to health, his demonic cultivation must be sealed and he must received say maybe 15 lashes as punishment for straying off the righteous path before were sent to seclusion with lwj so that wwx will finally be ‘cleansed’. Wwx wasnt happy ofc but what he could do with his powers are sealed away? Now , 5 strokes of discipline whip may cause a cultivator bedridden for months, how about to a non cultivator ? It must affect them severely so that is why discipline whip can never be used to a non cultivator. Lwj was forced to a house arrest guarded by three disciples due to him trying to (forcefully) persuade the elders to not hurt wwx. Lwj never thought that the elders were so hell bent on punishing wwx , where he promised wwx that gusu will be his safe haven (oh lwj, ignorance is a bliss).

The elders of Lan assumed that wwx’s core is still intact but maybe diminished due to demotic cultivation. So they still proceeded with the punishment. But halfway through the session, wwx lose consciousness and healers were called to heal him so that they could finish the punishment.However, upon trying to heal him , the healers discovered that wwx does not have a golden core. Lxc was horrified and ultimately barked an order to bring wwx to the sect’s infirmary to put him to rest. Glaring at lqr and the elders , he told them if wwx did not survive the ordeal , they would have become a murderer.

Lwj was devastated on the state wwx in. Wwx had a bad fever due to infection despite how hard the healers were trying to use medication. Bandages were changed thrice a day to ensure the infection does not spread to other parts of body. Wwx never gained consciousness for 3 months. He was delirious in fever as his health rapidly declining over the days. Healers concluded that wwx may not he able to perform his daily routine without help as the whip has cause major backlash on his physical and mental health.

After a discussion, the lans decided to finally informed the jiang sects of the situation wwx was in. JC was on his way when wwx woke up. Wwx was in confusion and struggling to get out of his bed. Lxc and lwj had to restrain him to ensure he doesn’t hurt himself. The last thing wwx remembered that his back and legs were excruciating painful and people in white robes are the cause of it.Paranoia settles in him causing wwx to be on alert every second and never utter a single word after waking up, not even to lwj. For wwx, lwj has brought him to gusu because he hated wwx so much that he let those people hurt him. He was betrayed.

Although he was reluctant at first, he forced himself to eat to regained his strength and escape this hell. When the jc arrives at gusu with a group of disciples , lxc and the elders met them at the entrance leaving lwj and wwx alone at the room. Wwx for the first time spoke to lwj, requesting for a new change of robe. “I just dont want anyone to see me in this dirty robe” . Lwj acquiesced.

When lwj came back with new set of fresh robes and a basin of hot water , wwx was gone. Due to the envoy from Jiang sect , the entrance was not guarded as usual and wwx miraculously managed to flee gusu. Wwx put his guard up even he has successfully escape and ran to the most secluded part of Caiyi town. After resting for few hours and after the adrenaline was gone ,wwx realised that he was severely injured and crippled. His left leg cannot be bend without causing painful jolt like feeling. Him running all the way from gusu to caiyi with a bleeding back and hurting leg was indeed a miracle. Now , if walking was painful , then running was courting death. With careful planning using his survival skills and experience , wwx continues his painstaking slow journey and enters a forest , opposite direction of gusu and lotus pier. Wwx was last seen by a fruit vendor of Caiyi Town ; limping away without a trace.

Lwj without a doubt used an inquiry to find wwx , but wwx was an ambitious lad. Wwx somehow managed to create a talisman that can hide his presence even to spirits. Jc has issued posters all over the place , in hopes that someone might give an intel for him to find his brother but to no avail , no one has a clue of where wwx has been gone to. Wwx - like a ghost , has disappeared . JYL and JXZ was also at deeps end, unable to trace her missing brother. Other major sects also keep an eye for wwx, though the Lan clan has claimed that wwx’s demonic cultivation was sealed and was severly injured, who knows what can that young man do ?

Timeskip to 13 years later, JL LJY and LSZ (assuming that the siege never happened, but lwj adopted a-yuan as per requested by wq and wn to ensure he was raised at a proper & healthy background and the wen remnants survived and disperse for safety) was attacked at goddess temple only to be saved by a mystery crippled guy with mask (JL: a non cultivator nonetheless!) (LJY: what an amazing talent ! Only using talisman to beat the statue!). The teenagers were awestruck with the masked man’s skill, that they wanted to thanked him with a meal and few drinks but was rejected and the man leaves.

JL who never accepts no for an answers suggest to secretly follows the man so that they can send drinks or some offering for him to his house instead. Ljy and Lsz tagged along as they were curious of their saviour after all. A non cultivator cannot detect presence like a cultivator do, so the man was unaware that he was tailed. Upon arriving an old shack with a small potato farm , the man limped and sat with a grunt. Taking off his mask , he took a bottle of water and consumed a few concoction of medicine before coughing. The teenagers was surprised on the living condition of their saviour. JL however upon seeing the face of the man, went wide eyes.

“That man, he was in the poster my jiujiu used to issue around LP . My A-niang talks about him a lot,” looking over his other two confused companions. “I can never forget that face. The face that always make my mother cry upon looking at his picture and frown at his name. He is my missing big uncle , Wei Wuxian of Jiang Sect.”

“Ah i heard about him. Apparently our Elders punished him until he was missing his golden core , i think? Or is it the other way around?” Ljy spoke. “But i think the limping was the consequences from our Sects’ punishment. That time , Lan sect and Jiang Sect almost broke the treaty. I heard Madame Jiang managed to convinced your uncle to stop”.

They saw the man plowing a part of his potato field ,who occasionally stopped due to his heavy cough and resume his work. “Wwx , he is the person my father has been looking for the past 13 years. I need to let him know” Lsz finally spoke, smiling.

“Oh my potatoes , I hope you grew up fat and yummy for this master over here! I need more money , or i wont be able to buy medicine. You dont want me to die yet are you~” sang wwx. The 3 looked at each other and finally decides to leave for their respective inn, bringing a joyous news for their leaders.

Next day, both JC and lwj accompanied by the 3 went to wwx’s house. Both heartbroken on the state of the old shack . Knocking the wooden door and clearly listening on the voice mumbling from inside “who the hell would come here early in the morning at middle of a forest”, jc and lwj was shocked on the physical appearance of their missing person. Sunken cheeks and dark eyes as indication of fatigue , limping , voice hoarse from sickness and the obvious whipping scars marring from behind his neck to under the ragged clothes , jc couldnt help but to greet wwx with a hug , holding him so gentle in fear that wwx would break with the slightest of strength. Wwx frozen in shock couldnt hug back but made eye contact with lwj. “Weiying, please forgive me that I couldn’t protect you. I am very sorry.” After 13 years of internal pain and agony , wwx for the first time shed his tears . “I forgive you , so you all should leave me alone. I am a burden. Im no longer a cultivator , but a crippled man with not much time to left. I am nothing but a burden. Please” sobbed wwx.

“Idiot. Give us a chance to take care of you. A-jie misses you so much, every day and night. You haven’t met your nephew , Jing Ling . Don’t you want to eat her soup? And about your health, i can call WenQing to help you. She is still the best doctor alive. Come back with us , okay ? And no one will hurt you. “ jc.

Wwx was shocked to hear wq was still alive and her name was spoken by jc without an ounce of hatred. What have been happening for the past few years he have been isolating himself ? With shaking hands , he grabbed jc’s robe and nodded. He made another eye contact with lwj and could see how sincere he is from his eyes. Maybe , all this time , the fact that lwj hates me and sending me to my demise was all a misunderstanding?

“I am no more a cultivator.”

“It’s fine , WeiYing”

“I cannot contribute to Jiang sect anymore.”

“Who cares about that, idiot?”

“I’m going to be a burden !!! I cant even walk properly. My health is deteriorating”

“WeiYing, if tired , I can carry. Let me take care of you when sick”

“Lan Zhan, i dont want to go to gusu”

“We can go anywhere other than Gusu.”

“I wont let you take a single step to that damn place , no offence Second Young master Lan”

“None taken.”

———

(Alternate ending)

Wwx was still unconscious and attacked by a high fever due to infection in his wound. Numerous method has been used to mitigate the after effect of the whip , but to no avail. Infection starts to spread to his legs, and wwx was delirious and moaning in his sleep due to pain. The severity of the wound caused both of his legs to sepsis and the healers has no other way than to amputate the legs to make sure that the infection will not spread internally.

After the surgery of removing wwx’s legs , the infection are able to be minimised but still needs to be monitored. Still, wwx has no signs of waking up. Lwj was loyal to his side , taking care of changing the bandages . Every night , lwj had a nightmare of the reaction of wwx waking up with no legs . One particular nightmare that haunts him the most is weiying took out his own life out of despair. Lwj couldnt sleep for two nights watching over wwx after that nightmare occurs.

After 6 days, lqr visited the room and berates lwj for neglecting his duty as a student of Lan sect. Lwj angrily talks back, and was taken to kneel in the hall for one day. When he came back , no one was watching wwx. He came back with pure silence from wwx .Where there should a ragged breathing from wwx , it was only silence. Wwx’s usually pale lips was ashen. Bandaged chest that should be heaving was still. Wwx finally succumbed to his injuries after 11 days of fighting and lwj (again) was not by his side. His sect (again) are the cause of pain for his beloved ones and has taken everything from him.

—-

Wow took this one hour and a half. This is my second time posting here. 😋 enjoy?

-b

[robogreaser]

This is a Long Time Coming...

It’s been a relatively hard task to sit down and make sense of, well, a lot of things as of late. I could chalk it up to the state of the world, but it’s been troublesome for significantly longer than that.

Long Story Short Version: I’ve been in a hell of a place, mentally, physically, and otherwise.

The proper story is a hell of a lot more involved than that and I know damned right well it’s going to take me a fair bit to explain myself and my various professional and social failings over the past... while. I’m gonna try to contain this under a read more, of course, but I apologize to mobile users if tumblr fucks that up.

Okay. That took a fair more bit of effort to figure out than I remember. Which, I suppose, is a fair enough bit of a segue into one thing that’s happened to me.

Tumblr has been deteriorating.

Whether I like to admit it or not, tumblr has been my go to social media platform since... 2011. Yeah. I’ve spent the vast majority of the decade here. I’ve seen a lot. Sure, I’ve lurked elsewhere, but I really cannot stand the interface and nature of a lot of other social media, especially the likes of twitter. Unfortunately for me, this place has been in constant decline for years now at this point. It extends well beyond the porn ban, but that’s a whole separate discussion.

I’ve lost touch with a lot of people I care about, some vanishing into the ether, some ghosting me, some just drifting into other communities or onto other sites. I’ve come to terms with the majority of this. It’s been happening for a while. It’s the very nature of digital relationships. It hurt, and I do think it’s contributed to a fair bit of stress and depression that has resulted in my... withdrawal from online spaces. It’s not a major factor, but its here, it’s present, it’s a factor in all of this.

I’ll be honest in that, well, I’ve tried to make this post several times over the past several weeks and months. It’s hard. Talking about my issues, using ‘I’ and ‘me’ so much in a post... it’s a bit jarring. But I’ll try to suck it up.

It’s been ten years (god I fucking hate time) since I’ve graduated high school. Yeah. It’s a fair thing to say that, on reflection, that’s incredibly jarring. The vast majority of that time has been... relatively unstable. I spent a fair few years working on my book and my publishing journey, now all but scrubbed clean from this blog (more on that later) and... well... Trying to be an adult. I’ve applied to, gotten accepted, and had to withdrawn from my dream school twice in this time. I’ve had a fair few jobs, nothing worthy of my resume, and lost all of them in one form or another, whether being fired for retaliating to my shitty work conditions, or, well, quitting for the sake of my own health during this pandemic. There has been a lot of family troubles. I’ve been through a lot of... ‘varied’ living situations, some horrendous, some just stressful, some, like now, actually really good compared to the others. And for the past few years in particular, it’s been constantly one thing after another, nonstop.

In short, progress is slow, but it’s happening. I don’t care to delve into a lot of these sorts of personal details lest this get to a ridiculous length, but that’s the short of the stuff I’d rather gloss over.

I’ve been on a health... Let’s call it a journey. I’ve been on a health journey. Over the past few years I’ve gone through the long processes of being diagnosed with ADHD, discussing my options regarding my depression and anxiety, and finally getting myself on a medication regimen that works. And then, because the health care system is a joke, I was without insurance. I had been off my medication, an absolute lifesaver and release of burden on my garbage tier brain, for eighteen months. Until last week. I think it’s fair to say, between my revolving door of living situations, employment, and then being un-medicated in a continually more stressful environment... That this is the main reason I’ve been absent. I’ve had no focus. There were weeks where I had no drive to do anything outside of routine that others depended on. I had not only gone back to how I was before situating my mental health, but in some ways, found a worse state.

Finances have been slowly eating away at me. I had been working a part time retail job until November, which made decent enough money, but not nearly for the amount of work and responsibility I was handling. I got fired. I found work with one of the big, corporate postal services. The pay was phenomenal, but it began to actively destroy my health, mainly physically, but also mentally, especially considering I was working a graveyard shift. Eventually when I began having prolonged health issues there, and then a whole lot of the symptoms of covid-19, on top of them turning me down for an entry-level position outside of the package handling, I had to quit. This was shortly after the lockdowns, in early April, and I refuse to look back despite people like my parents insisting on me trying to get work there again. Sure, the pay was phenomenal compared to anything else I had until then, but I cant continue to sacrifice my health. As of now, I’m unemployed, and... well...

I’m working on my commission queue. It’s art. It’s stuff I’ve owed friends (luckily those who are incredibly understanding and good to me) for an embarrassing amount of time, even before moving to and from Oklahoma at the end of 2016. I’m terrified of being the person who is known for taking commissioners’ money and running.

I know, I’m not good at giving updates. I’m not good at a consistent work schedule. I’ve had numerous tech failings over the past few years that constantly slow my roll on any progress I have made. Hell, I’ve had files corrupt despite being two thirds of the way complete when transferring from one computer to another. I’ve lost my cable for my external hard drive. I’ve had my tablet go to hell and back multiple times. But I am working. I am trying. I am sitting down as often as I can between looking for work and managing family nonsense to try and get my workload tidied up.

Which... brings me to my next point. And one I’m rather... ashamed about.

I have used trello, infrequently, since taking on a large load of commissions, and despite not being faithfully updating it and checking back on it, and using it to it’s fullest potential, I had kept, at the minimum, a list of all the work I did owe people using it. Well. Dumbass me attempted to use a mobile app. In short, in an effort to try and make myself tech literate and allow me easier access to my queue, I ended up deleting it. Somehow.

I’ve gone through and slowly flagged all my paypal notices and various emails concerning my commissions. I’m putting it together again. I’m trying. Granted, I am damned sure I am going to be missing someone, somewhere, somehow. I know it. I’ve got a shit brain, and despite my need for organization and minimalism, I don’t put it past me to have missed something along the way.

If you have commissioned me, please, do not hesitate to reach out and contact me regarding your commission. I owe every last one of you a massive apology for my continued failure to produce what you have paid for.

More likely than not, I have a wip already started somewhere, and if not, I have a slew of reference and thumbnails already compiled together somewhere on my computers. I am not ignoring this work. It’s been painfully, embarrassingly slow. It’s been one obstacle after another. But I have every intention of doing this work, and, likely, upgrading the quality of the finished piece past what my commissioners have paid for simply because I do feel bad about the wait time.

I have been inexcusably unprofessional. I know this and I am working as best I can with the time and resources I have to correct it.

In a similar vein, as I mentioned before, I have slowly been cleaning up my rather unimpressive publishing attempts. I’ve gone through and cleaned this blog recently, deleting reference to my work by name and the process of trying to get myself published. I may have missed a few posts here and there, but for the most part I would like a clean slate in regards to building a social media platform surrounding my written work. And this is the part where... I am probably going to be the most upfront and honest with you reading this than I have been publicly before.

I am not ashamed of who I’ve been online these past ten years or so, but it reflects only a sliver of my personality, a sliver of who I am as a whole. I catered to a very specific subset of who I am in pursuit of finding acceptance in communities much larger than myself. I’ve learned a hell of a lot about myself in that time. I figured out what’s important to me, my health, my sexuality, my relationships and my long term goals. I’ve found a very important group of friends. I’ve found people who understand and empathize with a lot of the things I have been through, experience, and am at my core.

But the fact of the matter is, this hypersexual, sci-fi aesthetic-oriented, very open person is only a singular facet. And it is not nearly enough of a reflection of who I am, or who I want to be as a professional, public adult. Will I always be gay for robots? Yes. Will I, when time permits and creative energies are present, continue to make nsfw art? Absolutely. Will I always have a toe dipped in erotic literature and the like? Most likely.

But a lot of me, a lot of my emotion and strife and feelings regarding most things in the world, are completely separate from this. It’s separate from me liking porn on twitter or having a homestuck roleplay blog. It’s separate from who I am in real life, with my boyfriend or with my family or with my work. And I have been dwelling on this, sincerely, for a while. I need to allocate more energy into my life. The separate life offline and online too, where I am pursuing an actual professional career, because, at the end of the day, I want to be an author. I want to have a career telling stories. And, in my time online, I’ve found a lot of skeletons in authors’ closets, the kind that really put mine to shame, and the kind that will always be a footnote to their work. You know the ones.

I want my creative work to speak for itself. I want people to be able to enjoy what I do without a specter, without my time and energy having to explain to a future audience why it is I had explicit thoughts about x,y, and z. I want to be able to write a book, write many books, and have people enjoy them without a footnote about me, a person with a sexual life and a history exploring it through years of depression and isolation, clouding it. It’s not fair to my work. It’s not fair to a future reader. It’s not fair to me.

I’ve got several social media accounts made and slowly coming to life that I need to spend more time with as I try and pursue this new, second leg of a very long journey into publishing. I’m not going to link those here, now or in the future. It’s likely a few people I know and trust have access to them. But I am, effectively starting over from scratch trying to build a platform as a writer. And it’s hard. Juggling that, alongside all of the things in the world today, alongside family and my relationships, alongside my commission queue? It bears down on me and if I didn’t have experience handling more than one thing at a time, I might trip up more frequently. Hell, I forget to post and use those new accounts regularly.

But I’m trying.

I’m not moving away from my current social circles or hobbies or anything like that. I’m not abandoning any fandom or friends or communities. But I am going to be trying to balance myself more thoughtfully moving forward, past just commissions, past just writing.

I’m here. I’m moving forward, slowly but surely, and I am making an effort to improve.

[jchall110]

So ordinarily I would put something like this on my Twitter, as that’s kind of turned into my personal vent/diary platform as of recent, but this is going to be much longer than Twitter can allow, and I need to write this all out without losing my train of thought. It’s gonna go behind a Read More, and I’d like to request that you only read it if we’ve been mutuals for a while, and only if you really want to. I’m not expecting any response, hell I don’t want any responses, I just need to put my thoughts down somewhere, and if I put it in a Google doc or something I’m gonna come back to it later and dwell on it, but if I just put it somewhere and immediately delete it, I’m not going to be able to talk to my therapist about it on Monday. Anyway, content warnings abound, as I’m gonna be talking about depression, anxiety, self-harm, suicide, covid-19, stalking, emotional abuse, and a pretty negative experience I had in a partial hospitalization program at a local mental institute. You’ve been warned. (Also for those of you who are new here, “ignore me” is my personal rant/vent tag, feel free to blacklist it to avoid seeing future posts like this)

So. Here’s a brief recap of the past year and a half in my life. Back in October of 2018, my best friend went through a very bad breakup with her emotionally abusive ex, while another of my friends was struggling very much with his mental health and attempted suicide. I was miserable working at Target and was gearing up to return to school in the Spring. I had also had feelings for the friend who went through the breakup, and she sort of had feelings for me, but she also had feelings for the other friend, and I had some vague kind-of feelings for the other friend as well, so in December we all decided “fuck it, let’s all date.” I won’t recap the full details of the relationship but it was a goddamn shitshow. His mental heath continued to deteriorate and he wasn’t seeking treatment for any of it, her mental health was extremely poor as well as a result of two years of emotional abuse and extreme codependency issues, and my mental health suffered greatly because of the expectations placed on me, as well as his frequent mood shifts where he would go from wanting to spend the rest of our lives together to, at one point, telling me things in an effort to get me to hurt or kill myself. Not a good situation by any measure. School was good, though, and the two classes I took last Spring were excellent, and I was ready to go back to school full-time in the Fall. Flash forward to September of 2019. My mental health is terrible, though my academics are very strong. I decide, after a few specific incidents, that I can’t be in the relationship with the both of them anymore and break up with him. A lot of bad things happened. She ended up leaving him as well. Then, about a month later, she left me as well and moved out of the state with someone she had met on OKCupid only a few weeks prior. At this point I need to take a medical leave of absence from school and move back in with my parents because I’m so depressed and traumatized that I can barely function. You see, since breaking up with him, he had been harassing me, even after I had attempted to get the police involved. He would call me, text me, make new Facebook accounts to send me message requests, anything to try to get in touch with me. So with all of this happening, and with me basically unable to do anything, I decide to look into a partial hospitalization program at a mental institution not far from where I live. Insurance covered most of it, my parents said they’d pay for the rest, so I started the program in early November. Ordinarily it’s only a three or four week program. I was there for at least 5. It was essentially a day program, so I would be there from 9 to 3 every day Monday to Friday. It was a really great program, except for a few things. Firstly, because it was a program both for mental health and addiction, a lot of the programming wasn’t really applicable to me, as the only thing that I’m addicted to is sugar, and I have no plans to break that habit. There’s a history of temporary psychosis caused by mind-altering substances in my family, and I don’t want to even find out if it applies to me as well. I barely even drink. So anyway, I was one of maybe three people who was there exclusively for mental health, so my options for programming were a bit limited, until a bunch of us complained about the repetitiveness of that aspect of the program and they switched things up a bit. Unfortunately it was at the tail end of my time in the program, so I didn’t exactly get much benefit from that. Secondly, and more importantly, close to the end of my time in the program, one of the mental health workers, a pre-doctoral intern who was running most of the “classes” that I was in, said a few things to me that were really frustrating and upsetting. Firstly she said that “ADHD doesn’t exist, it’s just a reaction to trauma. Too many kids are getting diagnosed with it when they just have regular attention issues, and in adults a diagnosis is almost always accompanied with trauma. And of course people are going to perform better when they’re on a stimulant.” Which. Is wrong on so many accounts. First of all, it’s overdiagnosed in the wrong people and massively underdiagnosed in the people who actually have it, especially young girls. And secondly, of course it’s paired with trauma when adults are diagnosed with it. They’ve had to deal with it for their entire lives up until then without knowing why they couldn’t do things the same way as everyone else, and there’s also a lot of trauma in general that comes with having ADHD considering how many people say “Oh, you’re just not trying hard enough” or “You’re just making excuses,” not to mention the self esteem issues that come with it. And thirdly, yeah people will perform better when on stimulants, but does taking a stimulant make everyone else tired? Cuz it does for me because it lets me slow down my brain enough to actually sleep. So yeah, that was fucked up. But the second thing she said was probably worse, and it didn’t actually occur to me how much this impacted me until earlier today when I realized something, but I’ll get to that realization soon. So it’s my second-to-last day in the program. I had gotten almost no sleep the previous night because I had a massive panic attack right before bed because my asswipe ex messaged me some really fucked up stuff. So I’m way out of it, and my ability to concentrate is pretty shit. I’m doing my best, though, and I’m paying attention to the discussion. We were talking about the parts of the brain and how they’re impacted by trauma. There were a few times during that day where I had forgotten words but still knew what I was talking about, and at least one of them had happened in front of this woman. So she asks “Does anybody know what the part of the brain is that connects the two hemispheres?” I say “Oh, I do” cuz I do know what it is, but for the life of me I can’t remember what the name is. (It’s the corpus callosum.) So she looks at me and says, out loud, in front of the entire group, “You know, it’s okay if we don’t know everything.” So I get all flustered and embarrassed and mad at myself because, in my ADHD people-pleaser brain, the teacher just failed me in front of the whole class and now they all hate me. So I don’t say a goddamn word for the rest of the day, and the next day I leave without saying goodbye to that one woman, after leaving a glowing review in the exit survey. So the thing about this that’s really fucked up is that like two days before, I sat down with her and told her how I have a lot of specific trauma around rejection and failure, especially relating to my dad and how he constantly asserts that I don’t try hard enough or that I need to do better, shit like that. Like, that was a major theme with me the whole time I was in the program. It was like, getting over the intense rejection of my best friend/girlfriend running away with a guy she just met, and my relationship with my dad. That was it. (Of the two, the one there that’s still a major thing in my life is my relationship with my dad. At this point, she can fuck off with whoever she wants. I’m more pissed at her than anything else now.) So for her to turn around and embarrass me in front of the entire group like that, when there was solid evidence that a) I did know what I was talking about and b) I was having a very off day was really messed up. In thinking about it, there was quite a few messed up things that she did in the last week or so that I was there. Probably more during the rest of my time there but I don’t actually remember most of it because working on your trauma can be traumatizing itself, go figure. Anyway, I had almost completely forgotten about that until earlier today when I was thinking about how I was getting much more sensitive to rejection and perceived failure recently than I was before all this had happened. Part of it is probably my increased estrogen dose fucking with my mood, but the majority of it, I think, stems from that one incident of her pretty much violating my trust and invalidating me in front of like twelve people that I really trusted and felt close with. Fucked me up, yo. Anyway, so I leave the program and start working for my dad at his machine shop. Things are going super well, I’m making a fair bit of money, keeping in touch with my friends as best I can, and doing my best to avoid my ex harassing me further. About midway through December I change my phone number so that he’ll stop calling me (he had several ways to get around me blocking his number), and in the middle of February I change my name on Facebook so he won’t be able to find me and send me more message requests, cuz there’s no way to stop that from happening either, and the police were useless because “I wasn’t in any physical danger.” At this point he had moved away from my town, presumably back with his parents but I don’t really know, and I really don’t care. So he messages my siblings on Facebook trying to get my phone number, and then somehow finds my Facebook again and sends me a picture of him cutting his wrist. So I get fed up, go to a local domestic violence prevention nonprofit, talk with one of their advocates, and file a restraining order against him. It gets approved, and the messages stop. A court date is set for us both to meet with a judge to discuss everything and see if it needs to stay in place or not or whatever, and for about 2 weeks everything is great. Then covid-19 starts hitting. I get what was probably just the flu or a cold or whatever a few days before the court date. Then the state that I live in announces that most court hearings are postponed until mid-April. I check on the website and find that stalking and domestic violence, among a few others, are exempt from this and will be going on as scheduled. Because I was recently sick, I call the courts the day before and ask if I can appear over the phone. They say yes, it’s all good, great. So the next morning I call in and things get moving. It turns out that my ex didn’t show up to the hearing, even though he definitely knew about it. So I talk with the judge for a few minutes and we decide that I don’t need the restraining order anymore because he’s not likely to start harassing me again, and if he does I can always get a new one or get the police involved. And so far I haven’t heard a peep from him so I’m assuming that chapter of my life is closed for good, which is excellent. But then more things start to close down, and my dad basically tells me that he doesn’t really need me at work and it’s best if I stay home. So since then I’ve been staying at home. It’s been 15 days total that I’ve been home, with only minimal trips to work for an hour here and there. And I really don’t do well with isolation. It’s not all bad, because I live with my parents, so I have some social contact, but as was mentioned above I don’t exactly get along with my dad, I don’t have a lot in common with my stepmom, and my grandmother is a grumpy old lady who isn’t very good for conversations about much else than knitting and Jeopardy. I’ve been doing my best to stay in touch with folks online, and it’s been decent, but it’s still pretty rough. And when Animal Crossing came out and all of my friends started playing it, I started feeling even worse because I’m poor as shit and don’t even have a Switch, and they’re fucking $400, which is a whole student loan payment for me. So I’ve been pretty miserable the past two weeks. To top it all off, I have to register for Fall classes next week, and I don’t think I can even imagine that far into the future right now. The world is supremely fucked, and there’s almost no way that I’ll even be able to afford to go back to school. I’ll probably have to drop out entirely. For at least a few years. And I’m really not ready to give up on school right now. Like I said above, I’m really sensitive to failure, and this is the third time I’ve tried, and failed, at college. And I’m getting real frustrated about it. The first time it was my ADHD, which at the time was undiagnosed. The second time it was mental health and my asshole ex harassing me. Now, when I finally have my ducks in a row, it’s money. The one thing that no amount of treatment or medication or court hearings will change. Plus there’s all the political bullshit going on still, and the impending collapse of society as we know it, and any number of other global crises (yes, that is the proper plural of crisis) going on. Oh, did I mention I’m an empath and the moods and emotions of the people around me, and of the world in general, pretty heavily impact me? I’ve been able to tell when some massive tragedy occurred even before the news story breaks. So yeah, all in all I’m doing about the worst I’ve been doing since high school before I was on antidepressants, and it’s really hard to see any end to this tunnel. I know I’m one in several hundred million people who are struggling right now, and I’m lucky that I’m at least moderately healthy with a steady place to stay and things to eat, but goddamn if things aren’t shit for me right now. Like I said, I’m not looking for any kind of response, and if you even read all of this I’m legitimately surprised. I just needed to put this all down somewhere because keeping it in is getting to be almost too much.

Don’t worry, friends. I promise you I’m safe. I’m just scared, lonely, and really lost right now.

I love you all.

[wlwdjh]

hi. i think i might have some early fibromyalgia but the internet isn't helping me too much. how did you get a diagnosis? how did it feel for you in the beggining? please i need some help i have been struggling with health for a few years but lately its gotten worse and neither my mum (undergraduate in medicine) nor any doctors ive been to know whats going on. Ive been on antidepressants for a while but stopped them. i cant say they helped. do you have any experience you can share?

Hi hun. First I want to preface this by saying I am in no way a medical professional so all I can do is share my experience. I also am located in the United States and have health insurance, which is going to make my experience different than a lot of others. I’m gonna put the rest under a cut just in case anyone has trouble reading about medical issues.

Fibromyalgia is a weird diagnosis, in that it’s a diagnosis by elimination. Before I was diagnosed by a Rheumatologist (a doctor who specializes in diseases of the connective tissue like arthritis) I spent years working with my doctor to figure out the source of my chronic pain. At 19 I was in a car accident and my doctor checked me over and took x-rays, all of which came out completely normal. Slowly over the course of the next few years though my health started to deteriorate.

At first I thought it was only mental. I was having major anxiety, to the point where I couldn’t go to school, and depression severe enough that I couldn’t get out of bed. I was sent to a psychiatrist, who listened to my symptoms for 15 minutes, diagnosed me with a panic disorder, and prescribed me Fluoxetine (Prozac) and sent me on my way.

Here’s the thing with meds - they work, but it’s often a struggle to find the right one. A lesser known symptom of Fibromyalgia is medication sensitivity. While Prozac works wonders for millions of people, it was way to strong for me, and left me feeling like a zombie. So after a few months of this drug, I went back to the same doctor. He maintained his previous diagnosis but switched me to Buspirone, a medication that is used just for the treatment of anxiety. I definitely think that it helped, but it didn’t do anything for my depression or any of my other symptoms.

While I was trying to figure out my mental health I started having more severe chronic pain. I was a dancer from twelve to twenty, and was in the best shape of my life when I started having severe joint and muscle pain. I thought I was just pushing myself too hard honestly, and just tried to slow down on my classes. I went from dancing 8-12 hours a week to not at all.

I also was having issues with memory - I was losing gaps in the day and couldn’t focus on things I used to love like reading. I was also exhausted 24/7.

It’s around this time that I dropped my psychiatrist and went without medical intervention for about a year. I realized at 21 that my depression was getting worse and worse - that summer I spent an entire week in bed, and my best friend had to come and make sure I was eating. I started seeing an MFT, and going through my own journey to mental health.

When I finally (through tons of incredibly hard work) pulled myself out of that hole I stopped being emotionally stoic and started noticing hey, my body is getting worse. My IBS symptoms started around the age of 23, and I lost quite a bit of weight just by not being able to eat anything. I also, through the encouragement of my therapist, started going back to my primary care physician, and he started trying to puzzle it out with me. First we thought the symptoms were depression related, so he put me on Welbutrin (which I still take to this day). It was unlike the other drugs in that taking it actually gave me energy and cleared my mind, rather than fogging it up further. Then he sent me to Physical Therapy. The PT was horrified at the state of my back at this point and put me through 8 weeks of grueling therapy. I would leave in incredible pain every day and then have to go home and do more exercises. While it wasn’t pleasant I can say that it gave me some of the knowledge that I use now in trying to treat my Fibro.

I also went through an elimination diet to try to find my trigger food for my IBS. I had never before in my life shown signs of dairy intolerance and then here at the age of 23 I was developing a rash on my arm any time I tried to eat mac and cheese lol. Cutting that out of my diet made a big difference in my gut health.

This whole time I was doing lots and lots of internet research on my own. I remember coming across an article about Fibromyalgia and its symptoms and how my heart stopped when I read it. I took it with me to my next doctor’s appointment and he admitted that he didn’t know much about the disease but that he could refer me to the doctor who did. In the meantime he put me on Gabapentin for my pain (which just made me feel drunk and dizzy half the time, not my fav).

The first appointment with my Rheumatologist was terrifying. I kept thinking that all my symptoms were just caused by my depression, that I was faking, that here I was about to be laughed out of another doctor’s office as a liar and attention seeker. Instead my doctor sat me down, asked me about my mental illness, my family history, my lifestyle, my diet, how bad my pain was, where it was located, and never once suggested that any of my symptoms were in my head. I went home and cried that night - I had never felt more validated in my life.

Before I could get my diagnosis we had to run some tests. My Rheumatologist had access to all of my results from previous x-rays and tests but had to run some blood tests to rule out anything else. I also underwent a physical test where she checked for trigger points - they’re basically small points on your body that cause intense pain when pressed. Almost all of the points hurt me haha. After a few weeks, at 24, five years after my initial onset of symptoms I had my diagnosis. I was prescribed Cymbalta and told to stop eating gluten, start exercising more, and to take care of myself. That’s the hardest part of this condition for me - the only way to treat it is by living a healthy lifestyle, which is incredibly difficult to do on my own due to my mental health issues.

It’s been a journey for me, and I’m sorry to say that everyone I’ve talked to with Fibro has had a journey as well. It’s just not a condition that doctors are quick to diagnose patients with. I know it can be hard but self advocacy is going to be your best bet towards getting a diagnosis. Remember that even without one your pain is still real.

[nerdylittoyvoid]

Half light - Banners (Connor x Fem! Reader

Warnings: Swearing, Mentions of mental illness, Angst

Synopsis: Connor just wants to know both sides on Y/N 

Heyoooo the warning is up there for all those who may want them, feel free to ignore them (you rebel, I like you) or listen to them (you warning abiding human, I also like you). So, this fic is for @spectacular-spiderboy‘s 600 follower writing challenge! I hope you enjoy! 

“it makes me feel nervous, you have that look in your eye”

 Connor’s LED blinked yellow, his face showing pure concern while seeing her like this.

You were sitting alone at your desk, the clock displaying 12:46 AM. It was another late night at the DPD filling out what seemed to be endless paperwork. Your hands shook as you tried to complete another file, your erratic breathing evident. Shakily running a hand through the hair that had fallen out of your braid, you looked pale. Too pale.

Connor could tell that your heartrate had accelerated. He’d seen you too many times like this before, taking care of everything else but yourself. You tried to put up a ‘strong woman’ front with everybody in the office, trying to be seen as a super woman of sorts. Able to accomplish everything, not letting anything get to you. But Connor, he could tell that you were deteriorating. Scanning you, he saw that you were severely fatigued and dehydrated. The girl he became deviant for was so focused on everything that she needed to do that she forgot to sleep.

He hated seeing you like this. As a human, you were so fragile. Any need not being met would put your health (or worst-case scenario, your life) at risk.

Yet, you were adamant that nothing was wrong. It was almost as if you had forgotten that Connor could do a full scan of your body to ensure your health needs were met. You’d put on a smile and build a brick wall towards everybody else. He never had the honor or the pleasure of knowing who that real Y/N was. The Y/N when she was sad, anxious, upset, vulnerable. It was at the point that he didn’t know if the happy, bubbly, sarcastic girl was really you.

“When you’re in the half light it is not you I see

And you’ll live a half life

You only show half to me”

Y/N grew up in a troubled home. Her parents divorced in the middle of her childhood. Everyone she loved all grieved over so many losses, so many personal troubles. She has learned that it was best to not bother anyone with her own problems. After all, everybody else already had so much on their plate.

She did have a therapist who she visited frequently, along with a doctor who prescribed her depression and anxiety management medications. It wasn’t that she was trying to avoid getting better, she just didn’t want anyone else knowing what she was battling. She was doing pretty well for herself, too. She had cut down on her drinking, went out for walks more often, tried her best to take time for herself. But what good is any of that when you can’t even get out of bed in the morning.

Sensing an anxiety attack coming on, Y/N grabbed her sedatives from her bag.

“Take two when experiencing beginning symptoms of an anxiety attack or as needed. DO NOT OPERATE ANY VEHICLES WHILE UNDER THE EFFECTS OF THIS MEDICATION. MAY CAUSE DIZZINESS OR DROWZINESS.”

Sighing, Y/N took her water bottle out, and followed the directions on the bottle. She noticed her bottle was still full. She had forgotten to drink anything today. “Shit.” She thought to herself.

Y/N sat back in her chair, taking a couple minutes to let the medication do its magic. It was too late in the night to take public transit, she’d be stuck taking a taxi or walking. Most likely the latter, she couldn’t handle interacting with anybody else right now. Any type of exposure would lead to a full-on meltdown, which is never good when in a stranger’s car.

“Sometimes I join you

Let you wash over me

When we’re in the darkness

Only the blind can see”

 Slowly, but loudly enough not to startle Y/N, Connor walked back into the main office to approach her desk. Quickly, Connor analyzed the bottles in her hand. Venlafaxine XR 150 milligrams: a potent, short lasting Serotonin and Norepinephrine Reuptake Inhibitor, and Clonazepam 2 milligrams: a strong sedative in the benzodiazepine family. Both psychotropic medications.  

Connor cleared his throat, hoping to gently catch your attention. After seeing you trying to hide a panic attack at the DPD, he read that using slow, quiet and gentle approaches work best for someone in distress.

“All you all right, Y/N?” Connor asked gently, purely out of care and concern.

Y/N’s head shot up as her eyes widened. “Shit,” she thought, “I thought I was alone.”

“Of course, I just have a headache. Not ideal when you have a case load bigger than a house, with a porch and a fence.” Y/N chuckled, trying to sound as convincing as possible.

“I am not sure if you are in the best space for me to be blunt with you right now-“

Y/N cut Connor off. “Fire away.” She leaned back in her office chair, placing her palm over her forehead.

“Although a headache may very well be present, your symptoms point more strongly towards an oncoming anxiety attack. I’m really worried for you Y/N.” When he got no response, he sighed, grabbing an office chair from another desk. “Can I sit with you?” He asked politely.

“Be my guest” Y/N gave him a weak smile, attempting to show appreciation for his caring acts.

 “Can you shake it off for me?”

 Connor sat down beside her. Turning to her he asked another question, “Is there anything you need that I can do for you?”.

Y/N stopped for a moment. She hadn’t been asked that question in so long. She wasn’t being pressed to talk about what she was feeling, it was an open offer. She let out a long sigh that somehow turned into a chuckle. Damn it, his actions started making her choke up.

“I really just need a hug if that’s not too much to ask.” She said, somehow defeated. All of those years she spent building that guard up, miraculously seemed to vanish, and she was left in a vulnerable state.

“Anything to make you truly happy.” Connor stood up, gently holding Y/N’s arms to guide her up. To him, in this moment, she seemed so fragile. Like any sudden movement would cause her to break. Slowly, he pulled her in, resting his chin on the top of her head.

Like a pin poking a balloon, Y/N just let everything go. She began to sob, muttering little comments on how everything was becoming too much. Heavily sobbing, she noticed this meltdown felt different. It felt like a release, like weight had been lifted off her chest. For the first time, she wasn’t alone.

As if Connor had read her mind, he whispered softly, “You are never alone in this world. Nobody is.”

Stifling through her sniffles, she choked out one witty comment. “How could anyone be with all these damned security cameras. The government surveys all.”

Connor let out a chuckle. Hearing her make a humorous joke regardless or the bad situation proved to him that his Y/N was still there. “Conspiracy time is not now.”

“Every time is conspiracy time.”

Connor tried to sound as robotic as possible. “I have been programmed by cyberlife and the government to politely disagree with you.” For the first time in the past couple days, Y/N let out a laugh. A real one.

“Words cannot express how much I appreciate you. Truly.”

In that moment they looked into each other’s eyes. That feeling, the urge to kiss was there. But, Connor refrained, not wanting to take advantage of the distressed girl. Smiling softly, he kissed the top of her head, in a romantic but still somewhat friendly manner.

“I’m always here for you, it doesn’t matter what time of day or night it is. It’s not like I sleep, anyways.” Connor reassured, while squeezing her shoulders with one arm, rubbing her back with his free hand. “Let’s take you home, you’ve had a late night.” Connor decided.

Taking Y/N out of the building, Connor led her to the car that Hank had help him buy. Opening the passenger side door for her, she climbed in. Soon enough, he was in the driver’s seat, and they headed back to Y/N’s house.

Arriving at their destination, Y/N climbed out of the car with Connor following suit after shutting off the engine. Y/N unlocked her front door, greeting her cat as she walked in.

“I think you should get to bed, maybe call in sick tomorrow morning.” Connor suggested.

“I think that sounds fucking lovely right now.” Y/N signed, as she walked over to her bedroom and collapsed onto her bed.

“I’ll let you get changed.” Connor closed the door, waiting patiently on the other side. When Y/N gave the all-clear, he headed in to see her curled up under her duvet.

“Stay with me tonight, please. If it’s not too much to ask, I don’t want to be alone. I have some baggy sweatpants and a t-shirt you could borrow.”

Hesitantly, Connor agreed. Taking the clothes and going to the bathroom to change, he came out soon after and crawled into bed with her. Taking her into his arms, he felt his thirium pump beat in a way it never did before. After much thought, he decided that this is what love felt like. He loved Y/N.

“Thank you, Connor. I don’t know what I could do to repay you for this.” Y/N whispered, appreciatively.

“Just let me get to know the other half of Y/N.”

“It’s a deal.”

With that, Y/N dozed off. That night, she slept better than she had in months.

[loubie364]

I haven’t posted anything for a while, due in part to waiting for all the pieces to fall into place for some rather exciting news, for me at least. Today it is 60 days till I go in for Deep Brain Stimulation (DBS) surgery!

I have wrestled with the idea of having DBS surgery for the last few years. I know that to some people this might seem like a no-brainer – “have the surgery, get back your quality of life”. It’s a lot easier to say this when it’s not your skull someone is drilling two holes into. So yes, I am a wimp, fear played a part in my decision making (or lack thereof). I justified to myself that there was no urgency to decide because:

There is so much development and exciting discoveries happening in Parkinson’s Disease research (and there are), surely a less invasive procedure will happen soon.

(In my opinion) the progression of the disease, in my case, was relatively slow and I was coping fine.

And, of course there was that fear thing…

After 13 years of living with PD and having to honestly (I am stubborn) admit that in the last 2 years things have become more challenging, the decision whether to have DBS surgery or not had been quite prominent in my thoughts. My wife has been quite keen on the procedure, (possibly to see whether there is in fact a brain in there) but has always made it clear that the decision is mine to make and that she will support me either way. It still came down to me to make the decision, not my neurologist, not my wife…….me! If I am to be totally honest, I had been avoiding making the decision, procrastinating and finding ways to delay it. A nudge, actually more of a shove was needed to get this decision made.

But how did I eventually get here?

I didn’t just wake up one morning and decide let’s do this. A lot of thought and prayer has gone into the decision. I considered my age, my childrens’ ages, what my wife and I would like to do in our future, my health, the progression of the disease, my frustration levels with my symptoms etc. But it was all kick started by a foolish decision I took.

A newish development where the whole procedure can now be done whilst I am blissfully in a state of anaesthesia (as opposed to being awake whilst they drill into my skull and then fiddle around in my brain) has gone some way towards making the decision easier. I don’t really want to be awake when they discover my brain is actually a jelly doughnut – I don’t want to see or think about that.

The Nudge

About 6 months ago I foolishly started following a diet off the internet, a YouTube clip which recommended the ketogenic diet for people with PD and showed the remarkable improvements achieved by the person who was following it. This was strange behaviour for me as I am not a follower of diets and I am generally quite cautious and sceptical of internet advice and usually check things out before trying them. I can only think that the frustration of the symptoms at the time got the better of me and I started the diet. The results were remarkable……that is remarkably disastrous. I lost about 5 kilograms in the first 10 days, my legs started cramping and generally I felt weak. My symptoms got worse, rapidly. At one stage I could not even walk to the kitchen to get my medication, I ended up crawling there. Upon seeking advice from a dietician, it turns out that the ketogenic diet is not good for someone with PD. As our bodies are constantly moving, we need to eat more like a professional sportsman – our bodies require carbohydrates and when the body doesn’t receive enough of that it goes and finds this energy source in its own muscles. It breaks down the muscle and feeds on itself – hence the weight loss and general feeling of weakness. I immediately stopped the diet and subsequently regained the lost kilograms and my symptoms improved somewhat. At the same time, I made an appointment with my neurologist, he was quite shocked by the sudden deterioration and reiterated what the dietician had said about the ketogenic diet and the danger about following advice on the internet. And then DBS made its re-entry. He said I should really give DBS some thought again and knowing from previous discussions my reluctance to being awake during the procedure told me about the new development where you are anaesthetised throughout the procedure. The suggestion was not a surprise, it had been bouncing round in my head as well. I had nothing to lose in starting the process and I don’t want to get to 70 and be left wondering if only I had tried it. I agreed that we could start the process, not committed yet but we could have a look and see.

The first step was to meet with a neuropsychologist. The appointment would take about 3 hours. As it was close to the end of the year, I thought I would struggle to get an appointment, but surprisingly an opening was available for the 23rd of November. This appointment is to assess whether you are prone to depression as this can become worse after DBS surgery and that affects where the stimulators are implanted in your brain. Being quite a private person, I am not a fan of having my life pried open. The assessment involved family history and a variety of tests of cognitive ability and current mental state. Fortunately, I am quite positive, and my cognitive ability is pretty good. It went well and the assessment ended early. The report was positive regarding my mental state and that I am not depressed. So, the first hurdle was cleared. I still had in the back of my mind that as we were now heading into December things would slow down so I would have a fair amount of time to get my mind around the procedure.

So, I was quite surprised when the completed report from the Neuropsychologist was sent a week later and even more surprised when I received a call from the neurosurgeon to say he had an opening on the 21st of December – everything was just falling in to place. It was starting to seem that prayers requesting that if this was the right path that doors would be opened were being answered. The meeting with the neurosurgeon was extremely positive and my wife and I came out of that feeling encouraged and hopeful.

I still had in mind that the process would still take some time. Once again, I was to be proven wrong, when on the 7th of January the neurosurgeon issued his report recommending the DBS surgery and providing a provisional date for the procedure – 2nd March 2019. That was like one haircut away! It had become real so quickly. The required reports were sent to my medical aid for pre-authorisation. A slight delay occurred here as the medical aid was bit slow, resulting in authorisation only being granted on the 25th of February. This resulted in the neurosurgeon having to postpone the procedure as he needed the authorisation by the 22nd of February. The next available date was the 11th of May. So, I do have some time to prepare myself and not feel too rushed.

We’re doing this, I just hope they do find a brain in there 😊.

I am confident that this is the right decision. Lots of prayer has gone into this. It seems like everything is falling into place and leading me down this path, first the Ketogenic diet – something I never do (following unsubstantiated advice on the internet) but did and then the speed at which the neuropsychologists report came out and the rapid availability of the neurosurgeon for the appointment. I have also had so many people contacting me or my wife (out of the blue, with no knowledge that I am about to have the procedure done) with names of people who have had the procedure that are willing to share their experience with me. I believe this is the best time to do the procedure as my kids are going to be 18 and 21 this year and there are so many things I would love to do with them over the next few years. I am tired of always having to consider my symptoms before going out. It would be amazing to do spur of the moment activities again with my wife, my family, my friends without being concerned that I might freeze in the restaurant, cinema etc.

Final thoughts

When I tell people about the procedure, I am often told that I am strong (mentally & emotionally), but that can’t be further from the truth, reality is I am a wimp (as mentioned earlier). But I can only vouch for the truth in Philippians 4:13 “I can do all this through Him who strengthens me”.

I tell people I am going into the procedure with an open mind – literally. It is amusing, but I do need to remind myself to maintain balance. To be hopeful, but to also keep a tight rein on not being too expectant of a massive improvement. I would rather hope for some improvement and be surprised by a substantial improvement rather than expecting 100% and getting 50%.

So, whichever way I look at it, my journey takes a newish direction soon. It may not be a cure, but I am confident this will be the start of regaining some of my life that I have lost.

Hope springs eternal.

“See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.” – Isaiah 43:19 {NIV}

“When you look at a field of dandelions you can either see a 100 weeds or a thousand wishes.” – Unknown

“Live in constant anticipation” – Bob Goff

The countdown I haven’t posted anything for a while, due in part to waiting for all the pieces to fall into place for some rather exciting news, for me at least. 1,673 more words

[nightmareonfilmstreet]

10 Movies We Can’t Wait To See At This Year’s Fantasia Film Festival

Ladies and Gentlemen, the 22nd Internation Fantasia Film Festival is upon us! This year’s lineup boasts from heavy hitters, including the World Premieres of Robert D. Krzykowski’s The Man Who Killed Hitler and then Bigfoot starring the legendary Sam Ellitot and Nightmare Cinema, directed by Mick Garris, Alejandro Brugués, Ryuhei Kitamura, David Slade and Joe Dante (who will also be recieving a lifetime achievement award). Also peremiering at the festival is David Robert Mitchell’s highly anticipted follow-up to It Follows, the neo noir Under The Silver Lake, the Spike Lee produced Tales From The Hood 2, and Dennison Ramalho’s (The ABC’s of Death) feature film debut, Among The Living.

There is no shortage of incredible, must-see films in this year’s lineup and it promises to be other banner year for genre film. The Fantasia Film Festival run from July 12th – August 1st in the heart of Montreal. Tickets are on sale now and can be purchased HERE.

Below are 10 movies that ewe can’t wait to see at this year’s Fantasia FIlm Festival. If you are going to be in attendance at the festival, let us know what your looking forward to seeeing in the comments below, on Twitter, Instagram, Reddit, and in the Horror Fiends of Nightmare on Film Street Facebook group!

    Mandy 

    Director: Pananos Cosmatos Writter: Pananos Cosmatos, Aaron Stewart-Ahn Cast: Nicolas Cage, Andrea Riseborough, Linus Roache, Bill Duke, Ricard Brake

“The peaceful existence of Red Miller (Nicolas Cage) in the Shadow Mountains of 1983 is burned to the ground when a deranged religious sect fixates on Mandy (Andrea Riseborough), the love of his life and, as is soon made very evident, a significant grounding force in his universe. Things deteriorate into a tranced-out nightmare of insect venom, hard drugs and broken-minded delirium as Red journeys into hell in order to avenge the woman he once lived for. Blood will flow in rivers. Worlds will collapse unto themselves.”

    Nightmare Cinema

    Director: Alejandro Brugués, Joe Dante, Mick Garris, Ryuhei Kitamura, David Slade Writer: Sandra Becerril, Alejandro Brugués, Lawrence C. Connolly, Mick Garris, Richard Christian Matheson, David Slade Cast: Maurice Benard, Richard Chamberlain, Annabeth Gish, Elizabeth Reaser, Mickey Rourke

“At a forgotten, haunted bijou, a group of strangers have assembled to watch a series of macabre vignettes unspooled by the mysterious Projectionist (Mickey Rourke). Like the best anthology films (DEAD OF NIGHT, CREEPSHOW, TRICK ‘R TREAT), the stories’ tones range from truly deep, dark, psychological, demented horror to ones with a lighter, satirical spin. Witness a ghost story that will chill you to the bone; an exorcism story guaranteed to make your head spin; a B&W descent into clinical madness; a plastic surgery gone horrifyingly awry; and a cabin-in-the-woods slasher ditty with a unique twist you’ll never see coming.”

    Under the Silver Lake

    Director: David Robert Mitchell Writer: David Robert Mitchell Cast: Andrew Garfield, Topher Grace, Riley Keough, Zosia Mamet

“Silver Lake, Los Angeles. The city of angels. The dream factory where it’s all too easy to lose contact grasp of Earth and see nothing but stars… Take for example Sam (Andrew Garfield), a prototypical slacker in his mid-thirties, without ambition… though he does have an unpredictable temperament, a penchant for voyeurism, and an unhealthy obsession with pop culture. When a mysterious neighbor (Riley Keough) appears in the sights of his binoculars, then disappears overnight without a trace, the first-class geek cannot help but investigate – possessed, somehow, by the eternal spirit of the countless detectives who stalked the hot asphalt of LA before him. But a Bogart he is not. Sam’s unorthodox methods very quickly leave him confounded; through the looking glass and into the heart of a strange city where dog killers, owl-women, aspiring actresses and gurus rub shoulders, among other high-society demiurges pulling the strings of an entire culture…”

    Terrified

  Director: Demián Rugna Writer: Demián Rugna Cast: Ariel Chavarría, Maximiliano Ghione, Norberto Gonzalo, Elvira Onetto

“The lives of three neighbours in Argentina are turned upside down following a series of violent deaths in the area. For retiring inspector Funes, what was supposed to be an easy case suddenly takes a strange turn and he finds himself dealing with more than he can handle. Paranormal experts are brought in to assist in investigating what they believe to be haunted houses, where they will be tested by an evil the likes of which they have never encountered. As the night goes on and chaos is unleashed upon them, nothing, and no one, can be trusted.”

    Tales From The Hood 2

    Directed: Darin Scott, Rusty Cundieff Writer: Darin Scott, Rusty Cundieff Cast: Keith David, Alexandria DeBerry, Bill Martin Williams, Bryan Batt, Lou Beatty Jr., Martin Bradford, Kendrick Cross

“Horror is back in the hood! The sequel to the groundbreaking original film TALES FROM THE HOOD reunites executive producer Spike Lee (Honorary Academy Award® winner) and writers/directors/producers Rusty Cundieff and Darin Scott for an all-new gripping, horrifying and oftentimes devilishly comical anthology. Keith David stars as a contemporary Mr. Simms to tell bloodcurdling stories about lust, greed, pride and politics through tales with demonic dolls, possessed psychics, vengeful vixens and historical ghosts. Mr. Simms’s haunting stories will make you laugh… while you scream.“

    The Witch In The Window

    Director: Andy Mitton Writer: Andy Mitton Cast: Arija Bareikis, Alex Draper, Greg Naughton, Carol Stanzione, Charlie Tacker

“Divorced dad Simon (Alex Draper) brings his 12-year-old son, Finn (Charlie Tacker) out to Vermont to help him renovate an old house he recently purchased. Used to the speed of New York City, Finn has an impossible time slowing down to a smalltown pace, and he’s disappointed before even getting there. So is Simon (“I guess I was hoping I would catch you on the 12 side of 12, instead of the 13 side of 12”). Afflicted with a rare medical condition in which there’s a literal hole in his heart, Simon, ever resourceful, does what he can to make things good as he and his son attempt to repair what’s broken. Soon, a series of nonsensically terrifying happenings occur, nightmarish and incomprehensible. It becomes clear that they aren’t alone in the house. That there is more work to be done than either could be capable of grasping. That death is a partially living state. And that they are in a very special kind of danger.“

  The Dark

    Director: Justin P. Lange Writer: Justin P. Lange Cast: Nadia Alexander, Karl Markovics, Toby Nichols

“Once upon a dark, dark time, there was a girl, lonely, undead and bloodthirsty. Behind her a dark, dark past – a curse. Hidden in the dark, dark woods, she tirelessly haunts her childhood home. Mina (Nadia Alexander) is a damaged soul, and tears to pieces anyone who dares enter her hunting ground. When she meets Alex (Toby Nichols), a disfigured and blind boy, brought to her by mysterious circumstances, her animalistic cannibal instincts seem to strangely fade away. As this uncanny friendship grows, little by little, both of these lost children learn how to reach out to the hints of light left within.”

    Cold Skin

    Director: Xavier Gens Writer: Jesus Olmo, Eron Sheean Cast: Aura Garrido, David Oakes, Ray Stevenson

“In the early years of the 20th century, a young man (David Oakes) takes over the responsibility of surveying the weather of a secluded island in the Antarctic. Hoping for isolation and time for self-reflection, he instead finds a crazed and weathered person named Gruner, played by genre favourite Ray Stevenson (DEXTER, THOR, DIVERGENT). Gruner quickly reveals that there is more to this island than meets the eye and that below the icy depths, a terrible scourge lurks. The extent of Gruner’s madness slowly becomes more and more pronounced as his bloodlust for the creatures becomes apparent. Struggling for survival, the surveyor must choose between a madman and a legion of creatures he does not fully understand.”

    Heavy Trip

    Director: Juuso Laatio, Jukka Vidgren Writer: Juuso Laatio, Jari Olavi Rantala, Aleksi Puranen, Jukka Vidgren Cast: Johannes Holopainen, Minka Kuustonen, Ville Tiihonen

“Life has its downsides in a small, northern Finnish town. The local bros give long-haired, leather-clad Turo a tough time, and his job at the mental hospital is literally shitty. His crush on Miia at the flower shop is thwarted by the tacky lounge singer Jouni, and his band jams in the back of a reindeer slaughterhouse. In the plus column for Turo, well… there’s the band, even if these black-metal true-believers have never gigged in all their 12 years together (Turo’s concealed but crippling stage fright hasn’t helped). A miraculous crack at a major metal festival in Norway jumpstarts the quartet’s dreams, and Impaled Rektum set out on a metallic mission that will make them confront not only doubts, detours and difficulties, but also Vikings in longships (plus an elf), graverobbing, Swedish rocket launchers and wolverine-wrestling (dangerous… and awkward!).“

    Dans La Brume

    Director: Daniel Roby Writer: Guillaume Lemans, Jimmy Bemon, Mathieu Delozier Cast: Romain Duris, Olga Kurylenko, Fantine Harduin, Michel Robin, Anne Gaylor

“Mathieu (Romain Duris, DE BATTRE MON COEUR S’EST ARRÊTÉ) and Anna (Olga Kurylenko, QUANTUM OF SOLACE) are the parents of a girl (Fantine Harduin, HAPPY END) who suffers from a genetic disorder forcing her to live in a hermetic box that filters the air. This already vulnerable existence becomes even more precarious on the day Paris is hit by an earthquake, and then filled with a mysterious toxic gas that seems to come from below ground. Only those hiding on the higher floors and rooftops of buildings survive, but they are left stranded, without any resources. Wanting to check that their daughter remains safe in her “bubble”, Mathieu and Anna will have to face the fog.”

    The Man Who Killed Hitler And Then Bigfoot

    Director: Robert Krzykowski Writer: Robert Krzykowski Cast: Sam Elliott, Caitlin FitzGerald, Ron Livingston, Aidan Turner

‘The year is 1987. Calvin Barr (a too-great-for-words Sam Elliott) is not a violent man. But he is more than capable of violence if sufficiently provoked. What many don’t realize about the thoughtful, elderly bloke regularly seen at the neighbourhood tavern is that he’s a legendary WW2 veteran who many years ago assassinated Adolf Hitler, an incredible secret that he’s frustratingly unable to share. One day, just as he’s coming to terms with rounding out his life, Calvin gets a visit from the FBI and the RCMP. They know what he’s done, and what he can be capable of. They have a mission for him. After discovering that it harbours a disease capable of eradicating humanity… they need him to take out Bigfoot.”

  Will you be in the Montreal area the next few weeks? Are you planning on seeing any movies at the 2018 Fantasia Film Festival? If so, let us know in the comments below, on Twitter, Instagram, Reddit, and in the Horror Fiends of Nightmare on Film Street Facebook group!

    The post 10 Movies We Can’t Wait To See At This Year’s Fantasia Film Festival appeared first on Nightmare on Film Street - Horror Movie Podcast, News and Reviews.

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[allenmendezsr]

Alzheimer's Dementia Brain Health

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Alzheimer's Dementia Brain Health

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    Just over 3 years ago I thought I was losing my mind.

I mean literally… losing my mind.

My memory was failing me.

I found myself doing things – and I didn’t know why I was doing them…

My concentration was becoming noticeably weaker.

Sometimes I’d be faced with a very minor problem – and I just didn’t know what to do.

Or someone would be saying something and I couldn’t make sense of their words.

I’d started repeating myself too. Saying something.. and then realizing with a shock that I’d already said it less than an hour ago.

It got very slightly worse as the weeks wore on.

It was frightening. I found myself constantly worried about what was happening to me.

I’m fine now. Better than fine – I’m probably sharper now than I ever have been since my twenties.

But I never want to go back to how I was.

What made it worse was that this kind of condition has run in my family for generations.

Three different relatives of mine descend into a nightmare world where they knew things were going badly wrong for them mentally.

They knew their brain was starting to fail… they could feel it and experience it… but they felt powerless to stop it.

As the condition progressed… so did their despair.

If I knew anything – it was that I did not want to go down the same terrifying path that they went down.

My doctor told me I was simply experiencing the normal symptoms of growing older.

For him, I was just one more case. He’d seen it a thousand times. He’d see a thousand more.

But for me it was my life. And I felt I was losing my grip on it.

He told me to eat better and get outside a bit more. I did – but I still got progressively worse.

As I say, that was then. At the time I think everyone assumed I was going to slowly follow my relatives into a miserable decline of forgetfulness, confusion, and helplessness.

Thankfully, it didn’t work out that way.

And that’s in part because of a really fortunate accident I had just over 3 years ago. It led me to meet someone who, just in conversation, gave me an incredible break. One that changed my life forever.

A near miss – and a stroke of luck

I had been driving to my local mall – something I’d done hundreds of times previously. But as I approached it I didn’t recognize anything.

I had simply forgotten where I was. I turned into the parking lot… and I didn’t know where I was.

In my confusion, I’d stopped my car quite suddenly.

Which very nearly caused the car behind to rear-end me. He honked furiously at me.

I parked my car and apologized to him. I explained I’d got confused and that I was sorry.

Turned out he was extremely sympathetic.

We chatted for a few moments and he revealed that his wife had gone through a similar time some years previously. Forgetfulness, loss of concentration, and moments where she simply didn’t know where she was or what she was doing.

Despite very good medical care her condition gradually worsened. So he had done some research on her behalf and found a natural and straightforward approach to addressing her deteriorating brain function.

Things got slowly better for her day-by-day. After some weeks the incidences of memory failure and confusion ceased completely. He told me his wife felt as mentally sharp as a young adult again.

He wrote down the name of the program they’d used. He suggested I try it since… I had nothing to lose and everything to gain.

When I got home I ordered myself a copy – and I started to work on it that afternoon.

And thanks to that gentleman – for whom I had nearly caused a car accident – I too am as sharp and as alert, as I have ever been in my life.

The turnaround was extraordinary. And this is how it works.

The key factors to creating a strong brain have always been known…

Perhaps my biggest surprise with this program is discovering that when our memory is letting us down…

when our concentration is failing us time and again…

and we just seem to not be thinking like we used to…

…there are proven ways of restoring mental vitality that has been delivering outstanding results to tens of thousands of people for years and years.

And while I would always strongly advise that you follow your doctor’s instructions… I also thank my lucky stars I found a better way to undo these frightening changes that were taking place in my mind.

And over a short period of time, it returned me to mental strength and sharpness I hadn’t experienced since my early twenties.

And this is what it is

The essence of the program is very, very straightforward. It tackles the causes of this horrible condition right at its source… exactly where it actually starts.

Because these problems with poor memory, weak concentration, confusion… they don’t just happen for no reason.

It’s not just ‘old age’. Think about it. Your brain doesn’t sit there with a calendar marking off the days until it’s time for you to have a brain problem.

Instead, something is taking place in your body that is creating the symptoms that are worrying the life out of you.

Something is happening to you… and whatever that something is… it’s leading to the problems you’re having right now.

And as far as our cognitive decline is concerned, scientists have known – for some years now – what that something is.

It’s blood flow.

More to the point, it’s the lack of blood flow to the brain.

When blood doesn’t flow properly to the brain, the brain is starved of two things it badly needs in order to function properly: oxygen and nutrients.

And research scientists have proved beyond any doubt that a brain that receives a reduced amount of blood flow will start to malfunction.

You will begin to forget things.

You will become disoriented. Your focus will suffer. Your attention will weaken.

You will become increasingly confused.

Much, much worse… it will worsen over time.

The brain needs oxygen and it needs nutrients – and both these are delivered to it via blood flow. If that flow is being slowed or blocked in any way at all… then it’s getting less than it needs.

Starved of what it needs to perform efficiently… it starts performing nefficiently.

And this leads to what you’re experiencing in your day-to-day life. The mistakes, the errors, the losses of your conscious life are the result of misfirings inside your brain matter.

And this is not theory, conjecture, or an area that needs further study. It’s a fact.

The connection between reduced blood flow to the brain and steady, measurable brain decline has been researched and shown with both mice and with humans.

It was when I addressed blood flow problems to my brain that I finally turned the whole thing around – and got my life back again.

How I tackled this horrible condition

I learned quickly that I had to act quickly.

The deadly side-effect of chronic lack of oxygen is the production of sticky protein substances throughout the brain. These sticky clumps create a kind of ‘plaque’ that interferes with how brain neurons fire.

And wherever our neurons are having trouble firing is where we’re going to experience very real, very noticeable brain decline.

And it’s an ongoing process. In a healthy brain these plaques are rare – and quickly cleared away. In less than a healthy brain, they accumulate over time throughout the brain. It’s this steady clogging up of the brain that leads to our mental decline.

But there is one piece of really good news.

This clogging up of the brain is a process – not an event.

And like many processes it’s one that we can influence. It’s one we can directly act on ourselves.

Switching the brain back ‘on’

Imagine that the flow of blood and oxygen to your head is controlled by a tap. When you’re healthy the tap flows freely – nutrients and oxygen-laden blood reaches your brain, keeping it in excellent working order.

But in my case then – and probably in your case now – that tap was slowly being turned ‘off’.

For you, it’s not yet ‘off’ but you’re starting to notice that this is where it’s heading.

It’s heading to a state where you have no cognitive function, you can’t look after yourself, you don’t know what’s going on… A steady collapse of brain effectiveness.

We need to move it back to fully ‘on’.

If we can do that then blood flows freely again, oxygen reaches all the brain in the quantities needed.. and the brain finds its way back to fully functioning.

That’s exactly what I did for myself. And it’s an incredible experience.

I felt physically better after 3 or 4 days. I don’t know if this was those plaques gradually clearing out of my brain…

Maybe it was parts of my brain that were under-performing suddenly coming back into life.

I really can’t say that I know.

But it felt like I’d been in a smoky room for the previous year… and then, all of a sudden, I found a door, opened it… and stepped out into the fresh air of a brightly lit day….

It was a startling transformation.

The Brain Booster

The program that the gentleman at the mall told me about is called The Brain Booster. It’s a very accurate name for the program. I do feel super-powered sometimes!

It was created by Christian Goodman. I used it to restore the flow of oxygen and nutrients to my brain and I have never looked back.

Christian’s approach to tackling illness is simple but stunningly effective. He recognizes that most illnesses come about because of normal lifestyle circumstances.

If we don’t address the lifestyle cause then, at best, the drugs we’re prescribed will only mask the illness. They suppress symptoms – but leave the illness still there.

For some health conditions that might work. For others, it works sometimes.

But for brain problems, well, once that starts going bad it continues going bad unless it’s dealt with head-on. No playing with symptoms here.

You get rid of it or, in the end, it gets rid of you.

So why is blood to your brain being restricted?

Blood travels around the body via blood vessels – veins, arteries, and capillaries. Our blood carries oxygen and nutrients to every part of the body and brain.

And everywhere they go those blood vessels are hemmed in by bones, muscles, organs.

And this is where our problems begin.

We’re used to seeing pictures in text-books of our veins and arteries just floating in our bodies, as if they are free-standing, surrounded by empty space, untouched by anything else.

The reality is very different.

In reality, our bodies are tightly packed. Blood vessels – arteries and veins – are pressed up close against muscle tissue and bone. They have very little room at all to move.

Yet they need at least a small amount of movement. Because as the heart pumps oxygenated blood through your arteries they expand a little in order to carry this blood load.

They then return to normal before expanding again to carry the next load of blood. Expand, relax, expand, relax. Your arteries need to be able to do this if they’re to properly deliver life-giving blood to your body and brain.

If things are normal in the body they have just enough movement to be able to flex and expand with each heartbeat – and so let plenty of oxygen-laden blood get up to your brain.

But if some of the surrounding internal muscles are a little tight and inflexible then… arteries find themselves pushed up against bones and organs. And, suddenly, they don’t have the same freedom to move anymore.

Surrounded by tight, inflexible internal muscles they don’t have the freedom to flex and expand with each heartbeat. And that directly affects the amount of oxygenated blood they can transport to your brain.

With each heartbeat we’re not quite sending the brain the blood and oxygen it needs to function properly.

There’s only so much of this your brain can take before its ability to function starts to decline. And you start to notice that decline.

Internal muscle tightness is normal – yet deadly

And those internal muscles do get tighter over time. It’s not your fault but, until you know it’s happening to you, it is largely unavoidable.

Unfortunately, tightness in some of those deeper muscles is almost impossible for us to feel or notice until it causes other problems – like blood flow problems and brain decline.

And blood flow problems are serious problems.

Because the longer that deprivation continues the more pronounced those symptoms are going to become.

Until one day we reach the point of no return.

But if you’re worried about your own brain health there is good news

I started turning that flow of oxygen-rich blood back on in days. In weeks I was mentally sharper than I ever remember being.

And I’ve been that way now for 3 years.

Christian Goodman’s Brain Booster showed me what I needed to do to be rid of this problem for life. I did as he instructed and I got the results.

The 3 vital keys to restoring fantastic brain health

1. Breathing for the brain

I learned quickly there’s a difference between ‘breathing’ and ‘breathing so your brain gets maximum oxygen’.

We breathe approximately 20,000 times a day. So even the smallest problem with the way our body breathes is being repeated 20,000 times – every single day.

Can you imagine how a tiny bit of oxygen deprivation in each breath is going to damage your brain over the coming weeks and months?

Whereas a small improvement in each breath brings you a little more life-giving air per breath, 20,000 times a day.

Honestly, by the second day of practicing better breathing I felt more alive and alert than I had done for years.

I now take proper breathing very seriously. I’ve not had a single symptom of memory loss, brain fog, or confusion for over three years… but I still do these exercises at least once every day. Because I want to keep it that way.

2. Fix the muscles that are suffocating your brain

There’s no compromise on this: if tense, inflexible internal muscles are pushing arteries up against bones or organs, allowing them no freedom to move even a tiny bit… they’re not going to be able to expand in order to allow blood to flow through.

Squashed arteries can’t deliver oxygen or nutrients where you so desperately need them.

No matter how perfect your breathing technique… that life-enhancing breath isn’t going to get where it’s needed – and you’re going to lose oxygen to the brain.

It’s internal muscles that cause most of the problems. I had to make those muscles relaxed and pliable once more. And I had to do it without delay.

Otherwise, my brain faced chronic oxygen deprivation – and I faced catastrophic, irreversible cognitive decline.

3. Target oxygen directly to the brain

Ever wondered why different people experience different combinations of symptoms?

Dizziness, forgetfulness, low moods, loss of physical balance, difficulty in recognizing faces, confusion over where you are or what you’re doing…

Why is it that you and I can suffer the same condition – reduced blood flow to the brain – yet we have different sets of symptoms?

It’s because different parts of our brains are being damaged. You’re experiencing oxygen-loss in one area, I’m experiencing it in another.

Both of us will end up in the same terrible state in the end. But in the early stages, the illness can look different for both of us.

Fortunately, there’s a very powerful way that humans can cause blood to move from one brain area to another. It mimics exactly something your body already does to divert oxygen to different parts of the head.

A couple of minutes of doing this each day delivers replenishing oxygen to parts of the brain that are right now being systematically starved of it.

I followed Christian’s instructions to the letter. And I can honestly say that my troubles just melted away as my brain sparkled back into life again and I freed myself of worry – and fear – over my failing health.

Did somebody say ‘exercise’?

Let’s be clear: when I say I did ‘exercises’ don’t for a moment imagine these were strenuous, difficult exercises that made me puff or sweat!

Almost every single one can be done either sitting down, lying down – or both.

So I would do one exercise while out walking, another while at home preparing food for dinner and a third while sitting watching television.

There are several to choose from and even today I still do most of them – just for maintenance purposes. And on long car journeys every time we’re stopped at lights I’ll do one of the exercises until we move again.

There’s even one that’ll make you laugh while you’re doing it!

But don’t underestimate what these exercises will do for you.

They’re easy. But they’re powerful.

Is this a magic remedy created by a genius inventor?

No, not at all!

Christian Goodman isn’t claiming to be the genius creator of some deeply mysterious miracle remedy. As with his other programs, he has taken known science and already-proven methods… and brought them together to create a program that literally transforms a person’s brain health.

He tests thoroughly and – best of all – He 100% guarantees his programs.

However he does it, I’m so glad he does. I found The Brain Booster just when I absolutely needed it most. I can’t imagine – I don’t want to imagine – where I’d be today if I’d not taken this chance to make things better for myself.

How about you?

If you’re feeling the worry that I felt when I first realized I had a problem – then you have my sympathies.

I first tried to pretend it wasn’t happening, that it was just something that happened as you get older.

I soon learned it wasn’t something that ‘just happened’. And that for my own sake I needed to address it once and for all.

I did just that. And I’m so glad, so relieved that I’m where I am today. If I’d left it… I just don’t want to think about what I’d be like today.

If you’re ready to address this once and for all then click here and order your copy of Brain Booster. It’ll be one of the best decisions you’ve ever made…

Avoid the slippery slope

We know it’s true but it’s worth reminding ourselves: this condition – memory loss, confusion, inability to understand or focus – doesn’t clear itself up.

It’s a process that has already started. And it heads in one awful direction only.

Fortunately, it can be tackled head-on and, as I and over four thousand other people have found out, it can be so completely treated that we end up more mentally capable than we’ve been since our twenties.

Don’t just leave this. It only heads in one direction. Click here and start addressing your brain health today…

There is only a nightmare at the end of this

Some conditions you can leave for 6 months. They don’t get disastrously worse.

But that’s not true when we’re finding ourselves noticeably more forgetful or confused. Some changes we feel almost overnight. Our problem here is that reversing this kind of condition is more difficult the longer it has gone on.

There comes a point where we’re simply unable to help ourselves anymore. And that’s it. Game over. We’re able to realize what’s happening to us. But we’re unable to fight it anymore.

Don’t do this to yourself. Act now, get it done and then move on. You need to do this…

[ekaterinamironovaxox]

CBD Oil For Alzheimer Patients

You have seen the bottles at the local convenience store or perhaps it was in the local drug store? A lot of places carry CBD oil now. You seem to see it all over the place and you know that a lot of places are selling it and tons of people are buying it, but the last person you expected to be taking CBD gummies was your grandmother. When you asked her what CBD oil benefits she could possibly be enjoying, you were shocked to find out she was taking CBD to help prevent Alzheimer’s disease.

It certainly seems to be a bit far-reaching for people to be taking CBD oil for something like Alzheimer’s disease, right? Maybe not. While it is true that there is no treatment for Alzheimer’s presently, there are CBD oil benefits for those with Alzheimer’s and memory loss, CBD gummies are just one of a hundred ways for people to be dosing themselves with CBD to help combat a myriad of chronic health symptoms.

While it isn’t a treatment or cure for anything, CBD has been shown in test after test to reduce inflammation, protect the neural pathways, improve focus and mental clarity, and even reduce the body’s reaction to pain. Let’s explore CBD in greater detail to help you understand how and why it works.

Alzheimer Patients Seek To Retain Memories For Longer Patients who use CBD have been able to retain memories of faces for longer than those with Alzheimer’s disease who do not use CBD. This data has been collected through several studies that were focused on patients with age-related as well as early-onset Alzheimer’s.

Let’s start at the beginning. CBD is the acronym for cannabidiol, a cannabinoid found in cannabis plants that include both hemp and marijuana. Hemp and marijuana differ from each other in chemical composition. Hemp is naturally far lower in TCH (tetrahydrocannabinol) which is the psychoactive cannabinoid compound in marijuana that causes the head high for which it is so well-known.

For this reason, CBD has been legalized in all fifty states. It’s so low in THC that it cannot cause a high effect on the brain, while it retains most of the therapeutic benefits of cannabis. CBD can impact the body very beneficially because it interacts with the ECS. Yes, another acronym. This one stands for the Endocannabinoid System. It’s a body system that isn’t widely known but it is likely the most important. It wasn’t discovered until the 1990s, so it is just starting to get the attention that it deserves.

The ECS works as a supervisor over other body systems and is constantly working to maintain homeostasis in the body. In other words, it works to constantly ensure a harmoniously balanced body. If you’ve got a fever, you’re out of balance and the ECS kicks into high gear to get the body moving to get that fever under control.

The ECS is made of thee parts:

Enzymes that work to break-up used cannabinoids and remove the waste from the body

Receptors that bind with cannabinoids (there are two types – CB1 and CB2)

Endocannabinoids are made within the body and fuel the ECS to work in the body.

Endocannabinoids bind to receptors that are located all over the body. They can be found on the exterior of cell walls, in areas where the cannabinoids are needed the most. When phytocannabinoids (cannabinoids from plants) are introduced into the body, they can work with the ECS in the same way and provide fuel to boos the system into high gear when help is needed.

CBD is one of these cannabinoids that works to employ the ECS and get it to perform tasks within the body that bring back balance by relieving pain and many other things… like preserving the memories of Alzheimer’s patients.

How Does CBD Help With Memories?

CBD is a neural protectant. What this means is that it protects the neural pathways from the breakdown that occurs in the normal aging process, as well as the deterioration of the myelin that happens when Alzheimer’s ravages the body.

When CBD enters the body, it travels the neural pathways where it seeks a receptor. The majority of these receptors are located within the brain and the spinal column. As the molecule travels, it coats the neural pathways with a protective coating that works like an armor plating. It protects the neural tissues from degrading and from attack.

This, in turn, aids in mental clarity and acuity. People are able to focus better on CBD and this is why those with ADHD love to use it. It promotes the retention of memories and the overall health of the brain and the pathways by which your memories are stored.

Alzheimer’s patients who use CBD oil early in diagnosis have been found to remember faces for longer. This disease robs people of their memories and even their own children and spouses become strangers to them. Each day is a new day and yesterday is forgotten. CBD has shown that it can help them to remember their loved ones for longer. It doesn’t stop the progression of the disease. It slows it down.

Aside from Alzheimer’s disease, CBD can also help reduce inflammation, reduce pain, ease digestive issues, regulate weight, improve appetite, promote healthy skin and hair, and much more. People with Epilepsy have used CBD with great success to reduce the number of seizures suffered and also to reduce the severity of the seizures when they do have one.

In fact, it proved so effective for Epilepsy that the FDA approved CBD as the primary active ingredient in the Epilepsy medication known as Epidiolex. This was the first drug to receive the FDA stamp of approval and it is likely that it will not be the last medication. More research is being done and currently for a multitude of potential uses for CBD.

No one should market CBD as a cure. At this time, there is a lot of evidence to show that it has the ability to enhance your life and promote better health. It can help you feel better. It will not heal you. It may help cancer from spreading if you’re undergoing chemotherapy and it may even help prevent the sickness and nausea that often accompanies this treatment.

When it is used in conjunction with traditional medication, it can often do incredible things. Whether you choose CBD to enhance traditional medications or to avoid complications from them, it can be an excellent choice for many reasons, Alzheimer’s disease is one of the many things that can be slowed down.

[thisiswhatafighterlookslike]

My Pageant Journey

In September 2016, I saw a post from my FB friend Chontell Lucas (Miss SC Plus America 2016) asking ladies to consider taking the pageant journey in the next year. My initial thought... “Not for me.” Over the next few days, I saw the post a few more times and I kept being drawn to it, even though I didn’t want to be...LOL! So I eventually left a comment on one of the posts, wishing her well on the next phase of her own journey and assuring her she would find the ladies she was looking for. A few messages later my, now friend, was in my inbox talking to me about the pageant and sharing with me her belief that I would do well. She felt I really should consider it. Hmmm I don’t know... maybe... I told her I just never believed in pageants and I still don’t. I don’t believe in competitions and the thought of me standing on a stage (especially as a plus size woman) for someone to judge me and tell me if I am “good enough” or “the best or not” according to THEIR opinions just was not going to work for me. She shared with me, that she had the same feelings and that she was in my exact same position not long before me. She completely understood. She explained Miss Plus America (MPA) is more of a community service driven, faith based pageant...they aren’t just focused on beauty. She is said “Sis you do so much in the community and with your own work as it is, you got that part!” (She was selling it lol!) Ok so my personal reflection, I no longer use the “label” or term “Plus” for myself. I had weight loss surgery in 2014, tipping the scales approx 440lbs! Once I lost significant weight and got focused on my goal, I just didn’t look back on any term connected to my “former” look and life. So for me, “Plus” was not a word I called myself or desired to in over 2 years. It wasn’t bad or something I hated, I just was focused on moving forward and getting smaller and healthier. Words have power. So we have to be mindful of the power we give them in our lives. But the truth is prior to seeing the post and my conversation with my friend, I had been thinking about a few things and wondering what I wanted or needed to do in the next 6 months to year, if at all. 

1) To Pageant or Not Pageant... That is the Question! With doctors telling me cancer was taking charge of my body and it’s functions, I began to write the proverbial “Bucket List.” I thought of some things I had not done and looked at the reasons. I asked myself the Reason, I didn’t want to be in a pageant. I forced myself to be honest. It wasn’t just not wanting to be judged. Because the truth is, I am strong enough to handle that. It was words I had deep in my mind, heart, spirit...words spoken from my ex-husband that I had tucked away. Yet, they weren’t maybe so tucked. Words speaking to me, telling me that I could not be accepted or received at my size, that I am not as beautiful as I could be being so “Big” and the only people that see me as appealing are just men who like BBW. Words shot at me saying the world has not come to truly accept fat people, especially fat women and a fat black woman, will always be viewed as a lazy and “less than’ woman, so I will never be truly accepted or valued for who I am or seen as beautiful as other women no matter how well I dress, speak or carry myself. I THOUGHT I didn’t give these words my attention, but somehow they were coming to the surface after many years and torturing my thoughts on a regular basis as my life and work was becoming more public. So were the people who said they love me and love my look, lying to me, was I as good as the next woman. I found myself trying to hide in public places and although I never stopped working and doing all the many things I loved, I preferred to do more from behind the scenes and place others in the front. So now a pageant... no I don’t think so. BUT, was my reason good enough to go to my grave with? I was beginning to think it wasn’t I needed to face this, address this... Embrace this. I needed to take this journey at least once, and even if I didn’t win... I did it! I needed to be able to kill and bury those words and be done with them for good. 

2) Was “Plus” really such  a bad word? I looked in the mirror. Why was I so upset with this word? It didn’t have anymore power now then it did in 2014 when I was over 400lbs! So what was my issue? As long as a word could affect my world and attitude, I was not free, and I believe in living freedom. I thought about the reality of my life. Due to all the treatments I was taking and even the chemotherapy (yes we don’t all lose weight) I was at a major stall in my weight loss and had even gained at some times. So at this time in my life, I am a Plus Size woman and as I faced the mirror and looked at old pictures.. that was absolutely ok. I am still smart, beautiful, loving, giving, and every bit the same person I always was and nothing could be taken from the success of my previous weight loss. I may not be where I want to be but I surely was not where I was! I also thought, how many women (young women) look up to me and are inspired by me at my current image. These ladies see someone that encourages them to be their best and be who they are at their own best. I get countless messages and emails from females who tell me when they see me, they are so inspired and uplifted. When meet me and see a full figured woman who has curves, yet remains elegant while embracing fashion and personal style, they feel better about themselves. So I felt I owed it to them to show them you walk that pageant stage Full Figured, Curvy, Positively Plus and LIVE in that! You are inferior to NO one due to the size and shape of your body. 

So after about a week and lot of reflection, I decided to GO FOR IT! What did I have to lose really? Nothing to really lose but the crown. I would gain experience from the journey, freedom, connections to new ladies and beautiful friendships, learning more about other platforms and causes and investing myself more in this state of SC that I call home and what it has to offer. 

These months of preparation of definitely been a process. It is always interesting coming into a group of people you don’t know and getting to know them. You hope and pray it goes well and you become good acquaintances and if you are truly blessed, you develop genuine friendships and embrace sisterhood. Of course this is all a “time and work” situation... you get out what you put in. Honestly, in the beginning, I wasn’t putting in much, or as much as I could for my own reservations and issues, but over time I began to get comfortable with these beautiful ladies and they became a part of my life. 

In March, I believe most of our lives officially changed during the Crowning Ceremony & Bootcamp Weekend. We were all finally together with each other and able to meet, chat, work together and really get to know one another. I was happy to meet these lovely ladies and connect faces to some hearts who had become so beautifully kind to me over the last few months and particularly the last few weeks. 

I wish I could say my journey was just a challenge of personal adjustment and getting to know various personalities. That would be SO easy... a cake walk! It became a literally painful challenge as my health became a major issue for me, that exceeded far beyond the pageant and affected everything I did and attempted to do. As it affected my body, the pain intensifying and weakness and sickness increasing, it affected my mentally and emotionally. I started to feel like such a failure and I was letting everyone down. I began to battle with the notion to step down. I never want someone to feel they can count on me, or look for me and I not be there. I take my obligations and my word seriously. My finances were hit hard, as my medical insurance was erroneously cut back in November and I was without coverage for little over 90 days. This had me paying for some of my meds, appointments and treatments out of pocket and some I had to go without, some doctors/appointments I had to reschedule and 2 procedures were rescheduled until they could be covered by insurance. This very negatively affected my health. But I didn’t tell anyone. Some I didnt even share with my parents. I was quiet in my own world. I kept thinking, maybe this was a mistake, or maybe not now. But my heart would never allow me to let it go. Right before Christmas, I showed my dr 2 lumps under my right arm that had been bothering me for about 3 months. I think I had been putting off mentioning them out of fear. We scheduled biopsy and in February I was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma. This was in addition to the Ovarian Cancer and Leukemia. I was hit with a hard blow and I really was broken... During this time I kept complaining about pain when I ate and even drank a lot. I was told this was probably the ovarian cancer and just being tired, but we will do some tests. Well after 3 trips to hospital, I was diagnosed with Crohns Disease! A result of the Chemo!!! So now what do I do?  I finally had a talk with my ambassador Kendra and my director and they encouraged me to keep going, but pace myself. Something I have no clue how to do! LOL! 

As I got closer to pageant weekend the biggest issue became managing my pain. It was getting harder and harder. A year ago my bones in lower back, hips and legs began to show deterioration. I was told they did not know how well I would be able to dance/walk in a year, or If I could at all. My doctor strongly advised I stopped wearing my beloved stilettos, slow down and change my life to something more peaceful. Despite how much I remain active and I have NOT given up my beloved stilettos/heels (nor do I plan to), it has become so painful to walk. I have taken a break from dance/choreography. We decided 2 weeks ago to test a neurostimulator in my back to assist with pain management. It definitely was no “magic cure” but for the first time in well over a year, I was able to sleep. So after a 4 day test, we agreed place permanent device in, at least for now. The issue, I had some problems after the fact that put me on medical restriction and my doctor was absolutely not in favor of me going to the pageant. I had to cross this finish line! I spoke to the staff, made them aware. I was tempted to just say I can’t do it. But I just do not have “Quit” in me! 

So Pageant Weekend. I didn’t have the finances for so much I still needed and it seemed so many signs were saying... this is not your time Lady lol! But down to the final moments... God stepped in! I was blessed with the money and all the pieces of clothing I needed! My hotel was paid for in full and I never worried about eating. I was here and I finally at peace! My journey was coming to an end and all was getting better...No..all was well! I was bonding with my SisterQueens in a beautiful way and I just felt good! 

Pageant Day... I woke up and everything felt WRONG! OMG No! I was in so much pain, I woke up weak, dizzy, stuggling to speak, I couldn’t get out of bed. In fact, I couldn’t sit up. I had to really pray and focus my movements. I crawled to the bathroom. I prayed. Tears poured down my face, I worked too hard to get here to not be able to complete this. Normally days with this pain, I medicate and REST. Today I need to PUSH. I pulled myself up and was able to get to my bottle of water and take my meds. Laid down for 15 minutes and slowly began to get ready... I was feeling well enough to move and hide the pain..but with every movement I had sharp pains shooting through my body and the weakness felt like someone through 50lb weight on my back!!!!!! I began to sing to myself and tell myself.. You can do this! I got to the venue for final rehearsal and I was.. OK. I led the ladies in heartfelt prayer as we started our day and I felt positive. As the morning went on, the looks from the queens started and they were asking.. “are you ok?” my response...”yes I am just tired.” but no the pain was getting worse by the moment. I did my walk through for my elegant pants wear and I had to lean on a table backstage. I thought just take a minute and breathe...... But something was wrong..the room was going black and pain went through every inch of my body. I have pain induced seizures and I needed to avoid blacking out. I was trying to sit on the floor.. but I only remember waking up laying on the ground. I had passed out. For a few minutes I couldn’t speak but I could hear and see people around me. After a few minutes I was on my feet and able to communicate some. The decision was made to send me back to my hotel instead of stay at rehearsal. I was upset... this was my day and I had to finish it! I took a nap and woke up still extremely weak and very much in pain. But I was taking that stage! My ambassador called to check on me. Ultimately the final decision was mine. I answered... I’m on my way. I am pushing through. See you soon. 

MY MOMENT.... The night was finally at its apex and I actually felt a little better. I was laughing with everyone and relaxing offstage as we were preparing for our final awards and crowning. This was it. I stood in my coral strapless chiffon gown and matching heels. I won the Against All Odds Award and that was very special to me. I held it close to my heart. Now they called the queens for the “Mrs” Division forward... and they announced the winner... LEYA ELIJAH-ELLER! She is now you Mrs South Carolina Plus America. I looked at the 2016 winner who is a dear friend and it was so emotional... I said to her... We Did It! We both fought our tears. As they were crowning me and putting on my sash and still handing my trophies...lol... I got ready to take my first walk... Yeah. I lost my ballance...the crowd gasped. I actually laughed. I  cant even desribe how bad my bones were hurting at that point and my stomache was throbbing in pain... but it was a fleeting moment... I smiled that signature smile and recovered... I took my walk... I was humbled. I DID IT! I WON!!!  

Some parts of my journey were too personal, and I will keep those private. But I wanted to share in detail the journey of a Positively Plus Size Beauty... 39 year old mom of 3 young adults, currently surviving cancer, truly fighting like a girl... This journey to Queen taught me more about myself; my personal strength, inner strength, body confidence, self image and love for life and others. I during my time as Mrs SC Plus America 2017, I intend to encourage as many women as I can to face their face fears, live life, leave no regrets on the table and most of all cross that finish line no matter what! Who knew that responding to a FB post would result in my becoming Queen! 

Ladies if my blog shows you one thing I hope its this, every dream you have is very real, and it was given to you for you to manifest. Don’t the issues and obstacles of life stop you from letting the LIVE. 

This is your Mrs SC Plus America 2017, showing you “This Is What A Fighter Looks Like!!!!” Until the next time... stay Fierce and Fabulous and Fight for what you love, desire and want! 

~Leya~

[hello-dolly]

(2) and she just looked at me and asked me one simple question. How old are your parents? I answered her, not really getting where she was going. She then told me, simply "They're responsible for their own lives, and you're responsible for your own and only your own until the point where you decide you want to have a kid. Then you'll be responsible for the kid as well." I disagreed with her, telling her that my parents drag me into their issues even when I try to stay away and she rebutted me

(3) She just smiled and said something along the lines of “Live your own life. When they see you’re doing your own thing, being happy, living your own life, they’ll start changing as well.” I didn’t trust her, tbh. I felt like I’ve always been there for my parents so they were used to me being there to listen and comfort and whatnot. I had some deeper issues so it took me a while to get on my own two feet where I don’t just jump up to help them whenever they come whining. I just started doing it

(4) And let me tell you, in the beginning it’s so hard. So hard to not just fix their issues when you know you could. But I realised that they can actually ix them, too. I just made them too much used to me being the one to fix them so they got spoiled by me. I fucking managed to spoil my parents, ridiculous, eh? But the more I’ve become independent in the way where I just listen without reacting and letting them deal with it all while I deal with my shit, they actually started getting better.

(5) It took me so damn long, though. So long to finally sever the damn phantom umbilical cord. I know how overwhelmed you must feel with parents who look to you for help, I know you must feel responsible for them in so many ways, but I just want to let you know it’ll get better. You’ll get better. And I say that because, and this was the hardest lesson I had to learn, the only person you can truly change is you. Others change as a reaction to your change, like a tidal wave. Take care of yourself

(6) Love yourself because you’re so damn lovable. And don’t put your life on any kind of pause or slow it down for others, because it will only harm you in the long run. On the other hand, you living your best life at the pace that is comfortable to you will inspire others to do the same. It does sound cheesy, but it’s proven many times to be true. If you need someone to talk to or talk AT, just message me, whenever you feel like it, okay? Be good to yourself!

I thank you kindly for your thoughtful advice, and I hear you completely.  Although it looks like tumblr ate the first part of this ask, I’m pretty sure I got the gist of the situation.  I thank you for sharing, and hope you do not mind that I am responding to this publicly, but I feel the need to make my own response public to see if there is anyone out there with the knowledge and advice that might help me more specifically.  In response:

These are strategies I’ve tried to reassure myself with for years.  But there are logistics to consider that I frankly need help dealing with, and due to a personal lack of finances, I am unable to seek professional help to help me answer these questions.

On my dad’s end, he will eventually learn to stop bringing me into his personal life on this level.  In part he does still emotionally lean on me because I’ve always been the only person that knew how to understand my mother and calm her down.  He discusses this with me to vent and also seek my guidance because we have always needed to respond very carefully as to not escalate the situation.  (On the other hand, he also communicates these issues with me to warn me of what the situation is, because I am always the next person my mother will contact if she is in a foul mood.)  My mother still had a lot of financial control and could put a lot of things at risk intentionally if we did not respond in a desired way.  Consequently, her actions would then affect the entire family, regardless of my involvement.  Losing our home is not something we can afford to go through right now, and this greatest thing at stake from my father’s end, until the divorce is settled.

Now, we have my mother who suffers severely from Borderline Personality Disorder, and is in need of intensive care.  I agree with you, that this shouldn’t be my responsibility.  But here is the reality of the situation; my mother is 60 years old, jobless (she lost 5 jobs in just one year), she is unable to maintain a job due to both mental health issues and physical health issues. She is in thousands of dollars of debt from medical bills, and a couple thousand from credit cards.  Her boyfriend (who seems to have recently left her) was their only source of income, and since he’s only on disability himself, there was never much money around.  She will be filing for bankruptcy this year because there are no other available options.

My mother is still covered under my father’s health insurance because their divorce has not been legalized yet.  However, she only has until the end of March before that health insurance is canceled.  The insurance however is a complete joke because our family is very poor and we cannot afford a lower deductible, so until we spend out $3500 in medical fees (money we do not have), we don’t qualify for much benefits.  To just see a general family doctor, our co-pays are $100 and up.  My mother who has no income other than the money I (had) been supplying her with, cannot afford to go to the doctor.  For over a year now, she has stopped taking all of her anti-depressant medications, mood stabilizers, sleeping aids, etc.  Recently, she has not had the money to pay for her other on-going medications for both hypertension and Diabetes type II.  She’s become very physically ill and her IBS has been affecting her daily life to an extreme.  However, with all of these things in mind, be aware that her doctor denied her his recommendation for disability when we asked.

I did take her to a social worker and we have applied to get her food stamps, cash assistance, and a medical card.  We have not yet heard back to see if she has been accepted for any of these government aids, and because we live in the bankrupt state of Illinois, I am weary of both how long it will take for her receive a response, and what her chances are of qualifying at all since her divorce from my father is not final.  (The divorce which we literally do not have money to afford at the moment.  My dad already had to take out money against his 401k to pay 5 missing house payments so that the bank would not start foreclosure. Which in turn, my mother then stole the money that he intended to use to pay off those bills, and used it to buy crack cocaine for herself.  She’s become an ongoing addict.)

My mother is literally at the point of being evicted from her trailer by her own sister.  Her boyfriend has left her, and he was the one that paid for all the utilities.  Knowing what I know about the health care system, I don’t think she will be quickly approved (if at all) for permanent Social Security Disability because it is rarely passed for people with Mental Illness, and her physical ailments are deemed curable as long as she has the money to afford the medications.  My mother has no other family members but myself and my younger brother.  I’m not at this moment allowing myself to consider the idea of letting her become homeless or forcing her to live in a women’s shelter where her health can only further deteriorate.

I would love to walk away from all of this and reassure myself that my mother will learn to change and that she will eventually be able to take care of herself.  However, at this moment, I know that she is entirely mentally and financially incapable of doing any of those things.  She’s been extremely suicidal and it’s taken every ounce of energy that I have to convince her that these problems are still manageable and there is hope that things will be better.

I love my mother despite all these issues because I understand how severe the disorder is, as I am a victim of it myself.  In a few weeks she will have no other option but to move to another state to live with me, since I am the only family she has that will take her in.  Opening my home to her means opening her to my care, and taking her on as a full-time responsibility.  I still do not have the money to get her the therapy and medical help that she needs; I don’t even have the money to afford it for myself.

I have no idea what to do, but I just cannot with good conscience walk away knowing that she will be left either homeless or to commit suicide.  I do not want these responsibilities, and I do want to live my own life, but it seems like my only way to live is to find a way to accommodate her life first until she is actually capable of doing it herself.  Most unfortunately to all of this is that I have no assistance myself.  I need help finding solutions, but I have no one to ask, and I have no connections to help me get things active.  As I mentioned before, I also suffer from BPD and anxiety, and it’s been extremely difficult for me to find solutions to her problems when I don’t have anyone first helping me to solve my own. 

I am truly and devastatingly in need of help that results in active decision making that will produce tangible results.  I need to be productive and make sure these situations don’t escalate even further than they already have, but I just have absolutely no idea where to go or how to make those changes happen.  I am not just frustrated with the situation, but also with myself, and I am endlessly terrified, but I simply know that doing nothing and walking away for my own benefit will result in consequences that I am not ready to live with. 

If anyone has any advice for what to do in the state of these circumstances, I am willing to learn and find a way to take action ASAP.  

[forevermagik]

Worldbuilding June Day 16

Magic! Oh man can I talk about magic all day! Like... really... I can... so buckle your seatbelts and prepare for this ride!

Magic used to be intrinsic on Tyrysius, and even now, though magic is not nearly as prevalent, it’s still a very real deal on Tyrysius and everything somehow manages to relate back to magic. 

Population of the planet: ~300,000,000

Percentage of fully-fledged mages: 1 in 1000. So about 300,000 on the whole planet.

Of the remaining ~299,700,000 people on the planet: probably only 1 in 10,000 of them have not a single drop of magic at all. 

Everyone else has some degree of magic. Even if it’s only enough to produce a really clear image on a telestone, or they can light candles but that’s it, or they have faster-than-average reflexes. 

You’ll see lots of small time mages that are good at one or two particular things. Say they happen to be really good at making shields, or their telekinesis is unrivaled. Something.

Magic is hard on Tyrysius. It requires a massive amount of energy to come from the caster, or for some sort of material to share the cost. Magic is gritty. Even healing isn’t nice and clean. 

A mage’s power level is pretty set, not counting power fluctuations during puberty. Children might seem to have more power, but it’s usually a lack of control, they meant to light the candle, but instead lit the curtains. Divine intervention can, of course, change this. Regardless of the amount of juice a mage has, the longer they live, the more control they get in the areas they can and do practice. Fully-fledged elf mages over 500 years old are scary. Fully-fledged elf mages over 1000 years old are scarier. 

Mages can always tell if another mage is nearby if they bother to look. However, lesser presences can go unnoticed in the presence of other magics nearby. The ability to sense magical auras is an art worth refining. With enough looking, mages can sense magical workings, pinpoint magical constructs, and other similar conventions.

[For example, Rinnie can see the shield over Berthingtonn with only a little extra effort. When she starts actively searching for magical auras in general, the shield is a constant thing around her.]

Elemental magic is one of the most obvious manifestations of magic. Pyromancy is the magic of fire. Hydromancy is the magic of water. Aeromancy is the magic of air. Tyrnamancy (named after Tyrysius) is the magic of the earth. Cryomancy is the magic of cold and freezing. Thermomancy is the magic specifically of heat and warmth. Though the term cryomancy is used when ice is involved, thermomancy is disappearing in favor of simple pyromancy. Astrapimancy is the magic of electricity. Some people can only tap into one element. Among those people, some mages are stronger than others. Other people can utilize multiple elements, to varying degrees of intensity. 

[Rinnie is really good at pyromancy. She’s also good at hydromancy and is working on her astrapimancy. Julian is purely a pyromancer.] 

There are also magics like fosimancy-the magic of light, skotamancy-the magic of darkness (this one isn’t very common anymore actually), dynamancy-the magic of force. These magics in general are less common because people don’t put practice into them due to them being highly specialized and therefore other types of magic (and thus expenses of energy) can be used to make close approximations. 

Backing up a little though, elementals inherently can use some of their element’s magic. Or something really close to it anyway. A lot of elementals are mages, but some aren’t. Some are actually really powerful mages and can achieve spells and types of magic well beyond things that relate to their element. 

[Zeh’ave, for example, though she is very good at spells involving air and lightning (a permutation of air and fire), can also do strict pyromancy as well as other spells like telekinesis and object-summoning.]

Healing magic is called theramancy. Theramancers aren’t terribly common. Only fully-fledged mages can be theramancers (though not all choose to.) But there are enough of them to create a “There’s Always a Healer” mentality. People are thus much less concerned about small injuries. I’ll get more into this tomorrow with medicine. Interestingly, Berthingtonn only has half a dozen theramancers and they are highly aware of their own shortage. The University of Himmelmauer has the highest-ranked theramancers in the world. All theramancers in Edanshe have to go to medical school through the military, so the doctors can be called upon at any point for wartime. Like I was saying earlier, healing is gritty. Theramancy forces the body to go through the healing process much faster than it was prepared to do. Things like bullets can get sealed inside if they’re not removed before the theramancer closes the wound. Oftentimes, it’s best if a theramancer works alongside a non-magical doctor so mistakes like this don’t get made.

Necromancy is not generally practiced in most civilizations. That said, no one’s going to stop a battle mage from inflicting a pain spell or using a spell that functions like a knife wound. Raising corpses on the battlefield is really hard and impractical.

Psychomancy is a complicated area. Telepathy is common practice among mages. Mage couples and families will often have entire conversations in their heads for an extra degree of privacy and it takes as much effort as talking, so why not? Legally speaking, telepathic conversations are treated as private conversation and cannot be brought into court as evidence as anything more than hearsay. Mind-reading is generally frowned upon, though that doesn’t stop psychologists from doing it in certain situations anyway. Forcibly going into someone’s mind and changing the way they think is illegal in most countries--but not Perinathia and Eswaisil. 

Illusions and glamours happen. I wouldn’t consider it common, but making something appear as something it’s not does indeed happen. There’s not really a true invisibility spell, more like a blending-in spell. The thing about illusions is that all it takes is a stronger mage to see through it and break it down if they so choose. 

Personal shields are common. Most mages if they have the juice will learn how to make one just as a matter of personal safety. Shields can be anything from a small quarter-dome of solidified air and magic to a fully anchored-to-the-ground globe surrounding the caster and others surrounding them if they choose. The shields can be used to repel magical and/or physical attacks. In order for it to stop all sorts of attacks, the shield has to have an elemental component, and a spiritual component. 

A shield to cover a whole battalion, or even something as small as a squadron is nearly impossible. Once they start getting that big, they require large amounts of mages with crystals and whatnot for augmentation. 

On a larger scale, we have the shields around entire towns in Schmiedland, Perinathia, the Yurels, etc. To include the giant shields over cities like Himmelmauer, Shaddrach, and Haedleign. And then there’s Berthingtonn’s legendary shield...

There’s also circles and wards. Circles can be created to keep some sort of energy or physical mass in, or the same things out. Wards can let the caster know when someone’s crossed it, prevent the person from crossing a threshold to begin with, and similar manners of things. Additionally, there are spells to muffle conversations or make it seem like the conversation is something else (such spells use a bit of illusory magic.) 

Telekinesis is the magic of moving things with your mind. Mages can use telekinesis to carry heavy things or make backpacks seem lighter. Ironically, however, if the backpack is on their own back, the spell will take more energy than it would to just lug the weight of a backpack. Mages in the military have been known to put up a telekinesis spell to lighten others’ packs in exchange for not carrying one of their own, however. 

[Rinnie uses telekinesis frequently. Not the bit about backpacks, but having suitcases trail behind her with a mixture of telekinesis and maybe aeromancy for additional steering and control. Whenever she does her gunsmithing, she has the tools hover in front of her face so she never has to touch anything hot.] 

Teleportation is illegal in most societies. It’s also highly dangerous and that’s why it’s illegal. If not careful, the teleporting mage can splice themself into a building, or another person--instantly killing all involved. Civilized countries have realized this and put laws in place. Granted, it’s hard to catch someone teleporting and often the punishment for teleporting is miscalculating where they’re going and they end up dead anyway.  

A loophole to this, however, is if a mage has the juice and the inclination, they may summon small belongings of theirs to them on a whim over short distances. This spell must be highly refined and practiced frequently, however. Powerful enough elementals will do this to keep their belongings intact after they’ve dissipated. 

Stasis spells are useful for keeping flowers “blooming” for longer periods of time, or keeping evidence in it’s current state before examination, etc. They’re incredibly useful. Certain medically-induced comas involve stasis so that the body doesn’t deteriorate before it can be seen. However, it requires a lot of theramancy to achieve. 

Time travelling is not achievable. Time slowing and hastening is, but after seeing what it can do when compounded over many years and people (generally soldiers) are dying faster because they spent so much time on the battlefield being hastened, the practice fell out of vogue. 

Summoning magic is something that many mages can do, but most fully-fledged or otherwise powerful mages choose not to because there are other things they could be using the energy for. Mages who are strictly summoners are in high demand to summon spirits to power spiritech. 

Oracles aren’t very common at all. Within the 300,000 fully-fledged mages, ~30 of those are oracles. ~10 of them will be fully functional people with little issues. Oracles are very likely to go bonkers. Often they will die in infancy. Even more will die during teenage suicide. If they make it past that, they’re either going to be bonkers in a good way or a bad way. The older an oracle gets, the better coping mechanisms they have. Countries like to track and horde their oracles. Oftentimes, oracles will end up working for the military or the government. 

Though the combustion engine has been created, airplanes are still powered entirely by magic. Fighter aircraft are usually controlled by an astrapimancer or two. When Killian was a pilot in the military, he flew the aircraft while two astrapimancers powered it. Aircraft powerers are generally mages who didn’t have the juice to be a full battle mage or a battle mage pilot. They usually specialize in astrapimancy because that’s where the quick aircraft are. Mages who can’t specialize in astrapimancy, but instead say, pyromancy, end up working on bigger ships with bigger engines. 

Battle Mages are terrifying beings. They are fully-fledged mages or at least something close. They learn all they can about of the art of destructive magic and also the art of supporting magic. There is specific training dedicated to “this is how you kill, and if you see a mage on the other side, you better make that mofo a target.” Mages will go for the other mages and entire battles can be lost or won depending on what went down between the mages. A lot of what combat mages do is cancel each other out. Spells, counterspells, and things like that. Battle mages have to be able to think really quickly and have fast reflexes. They have to protect the troops while also get past the mage who’s doing the exact same thing on the other side. Full-fledged mages tend to be officers. One element people can show up everywhere.

Battle Mage Pilots are worse than terrifying. These guys are the guys who can power their engines, cast spells while travelling 600kts in the air, and still do everything else in the plane. They’re utilizing communication and conventional weapons, too. They’re the most dangerous guys on the battlefield. As soon as one notices that something is wrong with another mage’s shields, that weakness is getting attacked by whatever can be thrown at them. 

[The Queen of Schmiedland has enough juice to have become a Battle Mage Pilot, but her airsickness case prevented her from becoming an effective pilot. She moved to a “ground” job on the big battleships in the ocean as a Battle Mage/Commander there.]

Most magitech is created in a way that allows everyone, even the people who don’t have an ounce of juice in their blood, to use. Most runes to enhance weapons enhance the weapon and not the person, so they’re usable. (Though there are some personalization runes that do require the user to have some magic.) 

Runes in general aren’t really magitech. They’re simply enhancing enchantments that has a physical object as a focus and a driver. Runes can be for protection, for small enchantments like making a gun keep from overheating, or keeping a coat from staining. 

Telestones are created to be used by everyone. People with less magic have fuzzy images in greys and sepias. People with more magic can refine the size of the projection, make it clearer, make it in full color, etc. If one person in a conversation is a powerful mage, they can enhance the connection on the other end if they think about it. 

City shields are managed by engineers magical and not. 

Targeting systems in aircraft and military vehicles will have the standard sights, but then mages will have the option of projecting a holosight in front/around them, if they choose to expend the energy. 

Alchemists are an in-between sort of mage. They have juice, but their “magic” is best expressed in the enchanting and imbuing of potions, serums, medicines, poisons, and bombs. Most countries require you have an “Alchemists Licence” to practice their craft and sell their wares since there are so many things that can go into alchemy. Mica’s family takes great pride in the tried and trueness of their recipes. 

Alchemy works alongside other magic. In medicine, alchemists are able to make personalized prescriptions for patients at the doctor’s request. Alchemists in the military are good at whipping things together quickly. Sometimes their creations are sanctioned, other times they’re squashed. Many merchant families with alchemists (including several Dwarf Trading Clans) will sell alchemical creations alongside more conventional ones. Mica’s family in particular has several alchemists and thus they have a lot more alchemy than the average merchant. 

Alchemy isn’t as gritty as magic in some regards. It can produce pretty miraculous results and much of true alchemy does have an actual affect on the body. Of course, many “alchemists” will sell placebo wares and make a lot of money off it. Barring that, alchemy is a great bridge when there isn’t a mage nearby. Alchemy can also be achieved with less energy expended because there are so many ingredients to share the cost. 

Divine magic is the one type of magic that seems effortless to the various beings on the planet. That’s because the gods have vastly more amounts of magic than the average person. Still, many gods will feel large expenses of power. Divine magic is magic on the large scale. Berthingtonn’s Wall and Shield were Divine in nature. Portal bags were achieved through divine magic, because an interdimensional bag that can move around but hold way more than it should is not something that the average wizard could create today. 

Divine intervention is generally believed to be something that happens infrequently these days. However, there are several instances of it on Tyrysius if you know where to look.

Astrals, every one of them from the kid who’s great-great-great-great-great-great-great-granddad was someone’s angel and she’s just so happened to spout a couple of traits, to the halfsie who’s mom is literally a demon and he’s got a lot of demonic traits roaring around in him. These are the people that others look to for answers about the gods. Even the ones who do eventually ascend to full angels or demons don’t have the answers. Or if they get them they don’t share. All astrals can utilize some sort of divine or extraplanar magic--sometimes they just don’t know how they do it. Some astrals end up being very powerful mages, some are just assholes who can do a lot of little things with no effort expended, and some are low-time mages whose magic only works the way they want it to sometimes. 

I also want to mention that sometimes mages can do magic where instead of pulling from their energy reserves, they bet the spell on their life force. Utilizing one’s life force in the spell makes it a lot more powerful and infinitely more likely to succeed. It’s not something mages want to do frequently, because they’ll kill themselves doing this. Elves are more likely to do it than humans because elves have more life to live. 

[rilenerocks]

November, 2014

Michael had a cyst on his eyelid which was drained by our eye doctor. He also had a visit with the dermatologist who observed some odd tissue on the crown of his head and performed a biopsy which showed precancerous cells. She asked him to return in December for a second look. Hyper vigilance continues.

We welcomed Thanksgiving with stunned gratitude. After the 2013 holiday, we thought we’d spent our last favorite family holiday together. That previous November, we’d been told that Michael’s Merkel cell cancer had returned, scattered throughout his bones, and that absent treatment, his prognosis was 2-3 months. With treatment, perhaps he’d have a year. And here we were, past that year with the family gathering again in our home. Michael had weathered his chemo well but despite that, we knew that the cancer, which had been undetectable for 4 months, was now visible again in a few spots on his skeleton. Thus far, he remained asymptomatic. We’d managed to take a few special trips and were doing pretty well at living mindfully. But we were also tired and stressed. The anxiety of living from scan to scan had worn both of us down. Life outside Michael’s cancer hadn’t stopped either. My mother, aged 91, was now showing signs of dementia. Her life in assisted living was getting harder to manage as she regularly confused her medications, causing dizzying symptoms. She was also having wild diabetic episodes which required frequent trips to the ER. My sister and I were trying to manage her problems together, but as her power of attorney for health care, I needed to be present much of the time. I resented having to be away from home at all when Michael was struggling with the disappointment of his scan. In the midst of everything, I was reminded of what I’d learned as a much younger woman – during times of crisis it’s likely that people will become more like themselves rather than developing new and better responses to stress. That certainly applied to both Michael and me. When the family dispersed, he went into a dark, irritable space. Facing his mortality every day was wearing on him and withdrawal was one of his go-to life management techniques. Mine was to begin probing and pushing, getting it all out on the table, aggressively trying to dissect every feeling and every thought. Michael had frequently said drily throughout our lives, “would you mind removing your feet from my back?” Yes. I was usually impatiently stamping my feet at the finish line before Michael got out of the blocks. In the best of times we tolerated each other’s differences pretty well. These however, were not the best of times. Being angry and alienated from each other is truly a dreadful feeling when you know that time is so limited by disease. Neither one of us could allow too many days to pass before limping back to each other, trying to find our common ground so we could reunite and face whatever was coming next. There’s no manual for dealing with terminal illness. We just kept going, trying to manage ourselves and our relationship in the best possible way.

December, 2014 was an intense month. Michael went back to the dermatologist who destroyed more tissue on the top of his head with liquid nitrogen. My mother continued to deteriorate both mentally and physically. She was in and out of the hospital every few weeks. I realized that assisted living was about to become a thing of the past. In two years she’d gone from living with me to the partial care facility – now she seemed destined for a nursing home.

Meanwhile Michael had his December scan. Not only had the three spots which were radiated failed to respond but there were two new ones. He was still pain-free but we knew he needed to get some systemic treatment before the cancer became more widespread. I had sent out a dozen inquiries to researchers across the country who all felt like Michael’s best bet was the clinical trial for a PD-1 inhibitor rather than the possibility of using Tarceva and Zometa which might affect one of the mutations in his tumor tissue. A branch of that PD-1 trial was starting in January at Barnes Hospital in St. Louis, only a few hours away from home. We were desperate for him to get approved for that before there was a decline in his overall physical condition. The learning curve about clinical trials was steep. In our naïveté, we thought having a proven incurable disease targeted by the experimental therapy was enough to qualify. Instead there were rigorous standards involving previous treatments, blood count levels and in Michael’s case, what was the most challenging – evidence of measurable disease. We found out that bone metastases were not considered measurable disease; rather there needed to be soft tissue that could sized for potential shrinkage from the treatment. I still can’t understand the narrow parameters of a trial to treat a rare and incurable disease. However, our local radiation oncologist informed us that the scans he used to develop his radiation plan for those first three recurrent cancer spots showed soft tissue involvement along Michael’s rib. He gave us copies of those scans with the rib area highlighted. We managed to get an appointment to see the principal investigator for the St. Louis trial in mid-January.

In late December, we ran off to Starved Rock for a brief two day vacation, keeping up with the tradition we’d practiced for years. I left town with my mom still in the hospital. I was exhausted from trying to deal with the logistics of her life and the bureaucracy of both her health insurance and the assisted living home. I was also exploring our own health insurance for the drugs Michael would need if he didn’t get into the trial. Our trip had a forced element to it although it was better than not going. When we returned, my mom was too ill to be anywhere but a nursing home.

December 26, 2014

Dorothy to the nursing home today. Dismal, depressing and a bitter end. I always said I’d never put my mother in a nursing home but I actually did it. Who can ever really know what they will or won’t do? Life is full of unpredictable and unimaginable changes. Those who can’t adapt belong on the losing side of natural selection. But the strong ones who survive are mutated. I am mutated. Some days I am unrecognizable to myself. Is there any girl left in me? Am I completely brittle from my experiences? Where are the soft unprotected innocent spaces? Can I find some velvety smooth place to nestle in for just a few minutes?

Our family went out for New Year’s Eve dinner as we did every year. We’d started 2014 in terror and were ending it only slightly less fearful. By January 5th, Michael started feeling pain in his hip at the site of one of the lesions which had shown up on his scan. A few days later we were frantically packing up my mom’s apartment as the assisted living facility wanted it available for a new renter. We were hoping that Merkel Cell would, as our Dr. Luyun had stated, remain at least a little indolent for another week or so as Michael’s intake appointment for the immunological PD-1 trial was looming at the cancer center at Barnes in St. Louis. With no systemic cancer treatment since March of 2014, we were certain that the slow insidious return of disease could soon escalate. We tried to stay optimistic, hoping that entry into the trial was imminent and that this new immunological drug, soon to called Avelumab, would have more benign effects than Tarceva or another chemo. Michael already needed a narcotic for the new pain. We were teetering on the edge of a cancer abyss.

On a glittering cold and sunny January morning we drove off to St. Louis. We carried the scans from Dr. Stanic, where he’d clearly marked and measured the soft tissue along the rib which was mandatory for entry into the trial. The Siteman Cancer center was huge, gleaming and bustling with activity.

We were ushered into an intake office where Michael filled out the application and waiver documents required by the trial. The principal investigator’s nurse, Joann, unfortunately reminded us a bit of Nurse Ratched in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, although she was actually more brusque. She did a cursory vitals exam and quickly got a blood draw. We mentioned that we were concerned about Michael’s low platelet issues. She said, “oh that’s no big deal – you can just get an infusion before your treatment.” We stared at her, dumbfounded. That didn’t sound much like what the protocols said. Within a few minutes we met the doctor, Gerald Linette who went rapidly over the documents and then surprised us by already having the blood test results. They showed that all Michael’s counts were adequate for the trial. Things evidently moved much faster at this large cancer facility than at our community center at home. We felt relieved and hopeful. Although this very different atmosphere was somewhat antiseptic and cold, all we really cared about was getting into the trial. We handed Linette our scan copies. He quickly informed us that Michael would be scanned on-site and that only their local results would be considered as opposed to those done on off-campus equipment. He ordered the scan and said we’d be informed of his decision as soon as the results were read by a radiologist. Michael was in and out of the test within minutes and suddenly we were on our way back home. We were mid-way through our return trip when Joann called and informed us that the Barnes scan showed only 2 sites of active cancer versus the 5 on our local scan. In addition, there was no sign of soft tissue involvement. I started arguing with her because she was being so dismissive. She cut me off and said abruptly, “Michael needs to go home and get sicker. Have him scanned every two months and call us back when things get worse.” And that was that. We were so disappointed, angry and frightened. With this avenue closed off, all we had left was the Tarceva/Zometa combination or another line of chemo. Either an untested choice or a choice we knew wouldn’t do much. The Tarceva was incredibly expensive and we needed to get insurance approval before we could begin that regimen.

The advent of pain into Michael’s life changed everything. Prior to the end of his remission, the only pain he’d ever suffered from illness was a byproduct of radiation treatment. Almost three years from his initial diagnosis, he was hugely fortunate that Merkel cell had thus far been a mysterious abstraction that he knew was inside him. Now it made its presence known round the clock. His need for pain medication became a complicating issue. The meds caused stomach problems. They didn’t really provide thorough coverage so pain woke him at night causing fatigue and mental fogginess. In addition, there was no way to pretend that he was okay, even for a short time. Although we’d been looking at the possibility of death for more than a year, the physical symptoms made things much harder psychologically. We tried to continue making the most out of every day but we had dark times, both alone and together.

We went about the business of getting Tarceva approved by insurance. Tarceva was an oral medication and the adjuvant Zometa was administered by infusion. By the first week of February, Michael began this experimental treatment, hoping that it would target the primary genetic mutation in his cancer cells and halt disease progression.

After only a few days on this protocol, side effects hit with a vengeance. Michael developed an angry pustular rash on his face, chest and the back of his neck.

He developed new pain which now involved both hips. We saw the radiation oncologist who zapped the first three spots of the returned cancer and he suggested that some of the pain might be attributable to arthritis. I was baffled by this suggestion as Michael had been through the pain of herniated disks in his life and never was as uncomfortable as he was in these moments.

He became very quiet, sighing a lot and saying he was trying to find his balance. On occasion he’d go back to teaching as a guest speaker, trying to feel like there was life outside cancer. I worried a lot about his being exposed to a broad community of germs but he needed to go there to stay sane. We’d always had differences about how much validation we got from external sources. So off he went while he could while I fussed away internally.

Within two weeks, the side effects went from bad to so bad that treatment needed to be stopped. His blood showed elevated liver enzymes and his dreadful rash covered his head and entire torso. He developed jaw and esophageal spasms, bloat and acid stomach. He grew so weak he could barely get out of bed. What a rapid and stunning reversal from the relative good health he’d maintained for so long. In addition, his pain was increasingly breaking through his meds. I found myself in the unenviable role of advocate and chief nag. Michael had little appetite and not much thirst. I knew that not eating and drinking would compound all the other issues. So it was up to me to push and prod, all day and all night, counting calories and ounces and driving my beloved husband crazy. Obviously I didn’t want this miserable job. But Michael wanted to stay alive and if he couldn’t manage his basic care, I would. Basically this failed treatment sapped his energy. He was prone day and night which only made him feel worse. Dr. Luyun suggested Michael try what was considered an “old people’s” antidepressant, Remeron. Its primary side effect was increased appetite and weight gain. At that point, anything was worth a try. By mid-February, Michael was like a shadow. Exhausted, in pain and spending lots of time sleeping. We set up appointments for X-rays to see if anything new would show up in his sore hips.

Meanwhile, at the crown of his scalp where he’d had the biopsy and the liquid nitrogen treatment, there was a peculiar lump growing. At first, the doctors thought it was a keloid and then perhaps a cyst. It was scaly, about 3/4 inches tall and seemed spongy. Dr. Luyun recommended removal. When Michael saw the dermatologist, she felt it would be better to have the head and neck cancer surgeon remove it because of its size. Our original surgeon had moved away so we went to the young woman he’d suggested. We saw her and she scheduled an outpatient surgery. That morning, I sat in the waiting room waiting for someone to call me back to see Michael in recovery. After awhile, I realized too much time was passing. I went to the receptionist who managed to send a patient liaison to talk with me. She informed me that the surgeon was sending one frozen section after another to a hospital pathologist. I immediately realized that the growth was a Merkel cell that had gotten by all the doctors. My heart literally sank into my gut. How could I tell Michael that what we thought was an innocuous cyst was cancer? Even worse was realizing that this growth, which had been present, albeit smaller, since December, was actually on his head when we’d gone to Barnes to try getting into the trial. He’d had the trial-precluding soft tissue component for months. And indeed, he’d gotten so much sicker that his liver enzymes would disqualify him from the trial at this point.

When the young surgeon came to speak to me I could see she was totally shaken. She’d had to cut almost to his skull before she found a clean margin with no cancer cells. She was barely able to seal his incision which had a large yellow bolster pressed down against it that would need cleaning while it stayed in place until skin regenerated.

I felt devastated. I pulled myself together for Michael’s sake but this trajectory, coupled with my mother failing in the nursing home, was a gigantic weight, so much to carry.

February 27th, 2015

How did this happen? In January, his scans were stable. What’s happening now? I feel so defeated. Where do we go from here? How much time is left? When my eyes pop open in the morning, my brain is instant tumult, running possibilities, turning flips, the pace so rapid that I am breathless. I continue to cast around for alternatives. I am so lonely.

        I have been sitting on this for awhile, anxious about writing on tough topics during the pandemic and now the social unrest around the world. But I promised myself I’d tell my husband’s story after he died and I’m going to do it. This is part of a series-I’m re-publishing this piece which will be immediately followed by part 2. Thank you. November, 2014 Michael had a cyst on his eyelid which was drained by our eye doctor. He also had a visit with the dermatologist who observed some odd tissue on the crown of his head and performed a biopsy which showed precancerous cells.

[gordonwilliamsweb]

California Lawmakers Struggle To Conduct Business Amid COVID-19 Lockdown

SACRAMENTO — The weekend before California shuttered its Capitol building, Senate leader Toni Atkins spent hours on the phone ― taking the roles of a student learning from epidemiologists and a legislator discussing with colleagues how the country’s most populous state should respond to the COVID-19 crisis.

Like many lawmakers from New York to Washington state, Atkins and her fellow Sacramento legislators find themselves in uncharted territory.

Legislative sessions are on hold. Sweeping initiatives are shelved. State budgets are already squeezed by massive spending on COVID-19.

On March 19, Gov. Gavin Newsom issued a statewide stay-at-home order in a bid to slow the spread of the novel coronavirus. There is no end date on the order. Some public health experts believe such measures would need to be in effect for many months to be effective.

California’s legislature is scheduled to reopen April 13, but with lawmakers practicing social distancing, it’s not clear that will happen.

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This leaves California’s legislative leadership with an unusual challenge as budget deadlines draw near: How do you hold public hearings to discuss spending priorities and vote on bills when people aren’t supposed to gather? Do other legislative priorities take a back seat to the coronavirus?

On Tuesday, Newsom’s budget director sent a letter to state agencies saying they “should have no expectation of full funding for either new or existing proposals” because of deteriorating economic conditions tied to the spread of the virus. Atkins, a Democrat from San Diego, talked to California Healthline’s Samantha Young about how the legislature can move forward.

Her comments have been edited for length and clarity.

Q: Did you have to educate your caucus about the seriousness of the coronavirus and why the Capitol should shut down?

We were having to educate ourselves about what all this meant. I ran a community clinic three decades ago, but I’m not up on the latest and greatest on health care, particularly public health, rules, regulations, recommendations. So, I pulled in different members of the Senate with different levels of expertise.

It hasn’t been without lots of questions, anxiety and concern, but we’ve worked through it, and I feel pretty good about the Senate and the legislature’s response — and in working with the governor.

Q: One Republican lawmaker said the legislature’s approval of $1.1 billion in coronavirus spending showed an incredible degree of trust in Gov. Newsom. Do you agree?

I think it’s an issue of us understanding the gravity of the situation. My incredibly strong partner has been the Republican leader, Shannon Grove from Bakersfield. We were in sync about what we needed to do. I would say a measure of trust, but I also just think we were prepared to step up and do what we needed to do.

Q: Lawmakers have a constitutional mandate to pass a budget by June 15. Will you be able to come back into session and do that?

It’s not exactly clear right now. If it’s not likely we can go back in session because we need to be following physical distance guidelines, then I think we are going to have to figure out how to do this remotely and meet the intent of transparency, the public’s right to participate ― and how we’re supposed to conduct government.

I would imagine if we’re still in the situation we’re in, as the weeks pass, in order to protect public health, we may have to look at a baseline budget and reconvene when we can to do the work that’s necessary. It’s a day-by-day and week-by-week assessment.

Q: The governor and lawmakers had an ambitious agenda to fight homelessness and expand health care. Will these things have to be put on hold?

In San Diego, we are moving to make better space available so that non-symptomatic unsheltered homeless have a place to go, and we have county public health in there triaging and making sure we are providing services.

It’s the first time I’ve seen this kind of collaborative, efficient effort. In the county, they are seeing this as an opportunity to have the medical staff in place to assess all of the individuals, and they want to bring in mental health and alcohol and drug addiction, too. And they’re hoping that because of this public health challenge, maybe we will find a way of working collectively and actually get people into units of housing.

Q: What will your priorities be for the state budget? Will the coronavirus overwhelm it?

It’s going to be basic services: public safety, education, public health. The very, very basics. We have worked our way back over a decade of refunding education, putting more money into health care, putting more money into fire protection. Those are things we’re going to want to continue to do.

I think we can adjust our level of expectations as the reality sinks in that we’ve got to be concerned about preserving our economic viability in California. We may be the fifth-largest economy in the world. We may have a budget reserve, but a billion dollars can go very quickly in a crisis.

Q: You described health care as one of the basics. What about the governor’s proposal to extend health care benefits to undocumented seniors?

Undocumented seniors who need health care, who have worked and contributed to our economic success, should be covered. I see that as a key public health thing. That is a priority.

This KHN story first published on California Healthline, a service of the California Health Care Foundation.

California Lawmakers Struggle To Conduct Business Amid COVID-19 Lockdown published first on https://nootropicspowdersupplier.tumblr.com/