#but now i just got these five fuckin weirdos sittin around with nothing to do!

[riddlegecko]

poking my hatchetfield ocs with a stick to see if they do anything

[kurosis]

i really need to stop saying fuck the police because this time they really came

so lemme set up the scene for ya’ll. i was on discord last night, right? ingesting an entire bottle of wine because of who i am as a person. went to bed at fuck all in the morning because i didn’t work till 2pm. i wake up out of a dead sleep at around 10am? ish? to a lot of voices in our living room. like a shit load, like whose having a fuckin pow wow at 10am on a fuckin thursday kinda commotion. ( for reference, myself and my immediate friend / roommate are in the master bedroom. it’s an enclosed space, with it’s own walk in closet and bathroom. we can hermit ourselves away from the rest of the house by closing the door. important detail here ).

so i’m laying there waking my gay ass up slowly like, i don’t gotta be anywhere till fucking noon-thirty who the fuck ruining my procrastination? and then the very distinct sound of police walkies puts my brain into maximum fuck-no like? ya’ll? i fucking lived in LA for a chunk of my life and still visit there frequently. if there’s one noise i can pick out of crowd, it’s gunshots and police radios. the shit is VERY specific of a sound.

so now i’m like goddamn the cops up in our pad? who the fuck let them in? do they have a warrant? weeds legal why is this happening, is someone a crack head in here that i don’t know about? mental dialogue is going at full on lit at the same time as i’m texting my roommate whose on the other side of our apartment in her room ( i know she’s in there with the door closed. she’s a very delicate person with a lot of ptsd. i’m sure she’s gone straight up non-verbal at this point and just nope’d out of whatever’s going on ).  while i’m waiting for her to reply, i get snippets of conversation through the walls. shit like “ can you account for where you were last night? “, “ did anyone see you? can you confirm this? “ and i’m like oh goddamn this an interrogation. the goddamn fuzz is interrogating my roommates?! why?!?!

other roommate gets back to me with a big long garbled text of shit, and TL;DR our neighbor across from us has been MIA for a solid week. fuckin just vanished off the grid aint nobody seen her or heard from her. ( it’s entirely possible she’s been missing for longer. i mean we live in an apartment building. we keep to ourselves and don’t really fuck with each other, so it’s possible she’s been missing for like hella longer than just a week. )

so being the sweaty black gay disaster i am, i’m layin there like nah. i gotta go to work. how am i gonna go to work? shit i should call my manager and tell her what’s up. maybe i can just go back to sleep and be dead throughout this whole ordeal? peace out into the bathroom all quiet like. call up my manager and try to lowkey ask how late i can come into work without it being a problem. she lists off a lot of things that would essentially be a problem with that and i’m like “fuck alright. i basically need to put my biscuits in the oven and hope they don’t burn.”

hang up with my manager then head back to bed and lay down in preparation for pretending to be asleep and confused. text nervous roommate back like “yo, i don’t have time to be interrogated, i gotta work and shit and if this turns into a murder case i’m legit not about this as shitty as this sounds like i’m too dark and we live in trump’s america i’m gonna get lit the fuck up” she’s basically like “lol got u”  just as we agreed that i don’t exist in the other room, i hear the cop ask “ is there anyone else in the apartment? “ and scared roomies boyfriend is like “ oh yeah, just our roommate in the other room! “

sittin here like ya’ll for real. ya’ll for real karma, why you like this?  i’m just layin’ there like alright god, just let them come in here and be quick about it, my alibi’s gonna be “sorry officers i was drunk for an entire week” which aint even a damn lie let’s be real. waitin’ on shit to hit the fan and splatter all over my face, but after like five minutes nothing happens? i realize then that they must have been talking about scared roomie, cause voices are way less close to my side of the wall then they were before.

i realize no one fucking knows i exist in here ( i also realize they don’t have a warrant, because otherwise they’d be all up in our kibbles and bits ). plan gets shit into my head at light speed and sloppy and i’m like i’m gonna sneak away from the cops ( this is how i know i will never be a competent reasonable adult, this is the worst fucking decision i could have made instead of just being normal and going outside to see what was up #my life living with anxiety ) so i crawl my ass up, gather my two day old work clothes and grooming shit and decide i’m gonna get changed and ready in the closet.  with the lights off ( hindsight rn is like “bitch wtf were you on? you fuckin weirdo wtf is the matter with you?” )

i get completely ready, get my backpack, keys and garage key and wait like i’m pretty sure i’m not breathing, or quietly telling all my damn organs to chill the fuck out and quiet down just in case feds can smell the fear coming off a nervous bladder.  sounds like everyones either outside, or too close to the front door to notice shit, so i peek out carefully, make sure no one’s around then fucking book it to our patio.  like i probably could have gotten away with just carefully crawling over the railing and being chill about it, but i had to go full teenage boy on that shit and throw myself over straight into the goddamn bushes.  no time to make sure i didn’t get fucked up by plant-life ( spoiler: i wasn’t, somehow ). get my ass up and book it to the side gate next to the front main gates because there just cops and fucking people everywhere????? like fuck this, now i’m really not interested in staying. someone gettin lit up i don’t wanna be part of that i’m too dark for that shit fuckin’ bye.

i roll out mission impossible style, huggin walls and goin around the perimeter of our big park / playground out in front of our complex, lookin like a goddamn fool. i get aaaaall the way around to the other side of the gate, trying to like stay ducked out of sight along the wall and sort of periodically throwing my hand in the air to get our garage to open.  course the shit’s low on battery, so i have to sit my ass down and like repeatedly hit the button and press and hold on it and shake it-- you know all the dumb shit you do to get a thing to work that doesn’t actually help but makes you feel like it’s helping? yeah that shit.

shit opens up finally. i come out of the little alley, cove, shit, checkin’ for cops and generally makin’ myself look real gooddamn suspicious as i squeeze my ass into our garage to get to the car ( no easy task, considering it’s filled with things including a TABLE and  FUCKING ENTIRE MATTRESS ). get in the car, peel the fuck out- but like not too fast, i’m tryin to play it cool ( even though i fucking tripped on every single thing i came across. like it’s a goddamn miracle i wasn’t noticed like holy shit ). i make a very laaaarge wiiiide circle around our complex, just so it looks like i’m a nosey sunday driver and not the suspicious 16 year old boy i probably am lookin’ like right now.

i make it all the way around, i’m almost at the gate, my butthole can finally unclench soon and then a cop waves me down.

like of course i’m gonna stop he’s the goddamn law also it would be a decidedly bad idea to fucking not stop right now. so i slow down, roll down my window, and try my best to pitch my voice higher to sound a little more feminine and disarming? like no one’s going to fuck with a little nerdy black girl right? woops. nope. bitch you forgot you’ve been on hormones since november, you don’t sound like a cute confused little girl you sound like the squeaky teenager disaster of a boy with bad fashion sense and smelling vaguely of fritos and febreeze.

apparently this works, because he just asked if i lived here ( to which i mentioned a building on the opposite side of the complex entirely ), and then said that that was alright, but if i heard or came across anything funny to please let them know. “ anything helps, even if you don’t think it’s important- “ i squeak out an okay ( and try not to check him out. like what’s wrong with me i’m terrified and trying to escape and go to work but honestly he was a very nice ginger guy with like perfect teeth i was DOA ).

i end up at work on time, wondering why i’m like this as a person and why i can’t just be normal and not be full of anxiety and be turnt up to 11 about anything.

and that’s it. that’s everything.