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howtohero · 4 years ago

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#295 Magical Vehicles

.As we’ve mentioned (and, as we’d imagine, is intuitive) superheroes need to be able to get around. Most crimes will not take place near your hideout and most crimes will not occur near one another. So you need to be able to zip zap zop your way around town. And you’ve gotta do it with style. And while your average tricked-out super-mobile or shape-changing robot are nice and all, they’re not without their problems. Cost for one, car (and planes and trains and all-terrains) are already expensive enough, and that’s without all of the ejector seats and oil slicks and hat-based modifications that superheroes tend to make to them. Plus, if you become famous for your reliance on fancy doodad vehicles, supervillains are just going to start investing in emps to take them out of the game. So some superheroes decide to eschew all of the faults and pitfalls of motorized machines and instead choose to rely on something a little more dependable: magic vehicles.

Let’s take a moment to go through some of the more classic magical vehicles that you might encounter or use as a superhero.

Magic Carpets Magic carpets can be great superhero vehicles! They already have everything you love about cars: room for passengers (or prisoners), cupholders, the letters C, A, and R. Plus so much more! They’ve got cooler designs, painstakingly sewn by only the finest warlocks. Who was your car sewn by? Joe Mechanic (no respect Mr. Mechanic, we appreciate all the work you do, please don’t send your crack squad of killer androids after us). Plus, magic carpets can fly, you’ll be able to soar majestically through the air like all those other superheroes who can actually fly and who have been laughing at you behind your back for years. If you use a magic carpet you may finally be respected by your superhero peers! It’s gonna be a whole new world for you! Plus, the superhero school in Albany actually has a new driver’s ed course specifically to help young heroes get their magic carpet licenses. I know what you’re probably thinking, magic carpets are wholly exposed on every and all sides, so how would anybody riding them be protected from say, surface to air missiles... or birds. Well, luckily, flight isn’t the only magical abilities these carpets have. Magic carpets are also equipped with magical forcefields that can protect you from anything from insects to intercontinental ballistic missiles. Can your deerstalker-shaped biplane do that?

Magic Brooms Magical brooms are the fastest magical vehicle out there. In just seconds you can zip off to parts unknown, sweep the floor with your enemies, and tidy up your kitchen. Unfortunately, speed is really the only thing these guys have going for them. They’re not particularly comfortable, they look stupid, and somehow they’ve always got crumbs or pieces of lint in them, and that’s going to attract birds and the last thing you want is to attract birds when you’re trespassing in their god-given domain. Another minor quiddity of magic brooms is that they’re often associated with witches, so if you roll up to a superhero fight on one you might get mistaken for an evil witch. It’s an unfair stereotype, but you’re not going to have time to educate people about the moral diversity of witches when there’s a crisis afoot!

Ghost Ships 71% of the world is water, and 71% of that water is filled with ghost ships. Ghost ships are ships that are either crewed entirely by ghosts, or actually possessed by ghosts themselves. Many superheroes overlook ghost ships when shopping for vehicles and honestly we think that’s a mistake. Ghost ships can add a level of spookiness to your crime fighting. Criminals are easily spooked, and I guarantee you that sailing a haunted boat towards them is enough to put a stop to most crimes. Plus, ghost ships aren’t confined to the sea like regular ships are. Most of them can fly, and even the ones that can’t can become intangible and just phase through the streets to get to where you need to go. Sure, most ghost ships come with a ghostly crew and who knows, they may not want to fight crime with you, but if they do, then oh baby are we in business. If you could get a ghost team and a cool boat you’d be virtually unstoppable! Your ghost crew could infiltrate, spy, and haunt in the name of the greater good. Plus, you can help them finish their unfinished business and grant their souls absolution! If that isn’t a superheroic thing to do then I don’t know what is! (So head on down to Dirty Denny’s Ghost Ship Dealership! They put the “sale” in “sail”. Wait what? That’s the ad copy they went with?)

Chariots/Sleighs Many magical beings and deities use chariots or sleighs that are pulled by magical animals. Zeus has his chariot pulled by godly wind horses. Santa has got his magical reindeer. Greg the Skeleton King has his sled pulled by hellhounds. (And with Greg the Skeleton King being made entirely out of big juicy bones, you can imagine how well that goes.) But obviously that might not exactly be practical for you, a regular superhero who might not have access to highly trained magical animals. But, on the off chance that you do, a magical animal pulled chariot is a great way to make an entrance. If you show up to an active crime scene in a regal chariot pulled by majestic woodland critters I guarantee that people are going to applaud. At the very least, it will distract the bad guys long enough for you to get in a good opening shot. You need to make sure that these magical animals are trained not only in chariot pulling, but also crime fighting. Or at least self defense. Otherwise you’re putting the lives of these magical creatures at risk.

Enchanted Vehicles Look, I know we said that mechanical vehicles are objectively worse than magical vehicles (and we’ve got a lot riding on you people believing that we mean it) but sometimes the two are not mutually exclusive. Some modern day wizards and mages have taken to enchanting regular mortal vehicles with magical abilities. These vehicles often represent the best of both worlds. You could have all of your technological doodads (turrets, rocket thrusters, AM/FM radio) and magic. Just note though, this is highly experimental magic. Sometimes the magic doesn’t react well with the tech and leads to unintended side effects such as [but not limited to] spontaneous sentience, toxic pixie dust emissions, and time dilation. So make sure the magician you’re purchasing your enchanted vehicle from is also an accomplished auto mechanic. A comprehensive understanding of both is really the best way to ensure a seamless blend of magic and tech.

As you can see, magical vehicles are the way to go. They make everything better! They’re sure to make you a better hero, and you’re sure to get a lot of positive attention from people for using such a cool and environmentally friendly vehicle. If you purchase a magical vehicle at full price, from say, your local village mystic, you’re sure to have a much better superhero career, and life overall. (And hopefully erase the rage you incurred when you blackmailed them for superpowers... or encouraged hundreds of would be heroes to blackmail local village mystics around the world for superpowers. Sorry Ethynda, hope this makes us square!)

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