#but nobody should feel obligated to read my stuff if they don't like the topic

[adiduck]

Hello! I adore your Star Wars fics and initially followed you for your AMAZING interpretations of Obi-Wan, Cody, Jango and the gang and your love of ducks (they are the best!). I desperately miss your writing and really want to follow you into new fandoms, but the problem is, I kind of despise Top Gun and think all the characters except Goose are assholes, lol. Would you be open to sharing what appealed to you abt Top Gun, Ice, and Mav? Hoping to be converted :D Thank you!!!

I've been trying to figure out how to respond to this. I think you're being up front with me, Anon, and not trying to imply that something I have been enjoying is somehow not worth the time and energy I am putting into it. If it's not to your taste, obviously that's fine! People like different things, and that's totally okay. 😉

So let me start at the beginning. First, please don't think I'm leaving Star Wars! I don't have any plans to do that, at least not right now. I am simply having a grand old time playing in a different fandom at the moment.

Second, and I know this isn't what you want to hear, but I like them because they're assholes, to be honest. Though I'd argue most of the characters I write are assholes. ;) Let me explain.

I'm going to give you my general thoughts on Ice and Mav, because that's who I'm having the most fun playing with right now.

I watched the first movie, and I asked myself, 'how does someone become this person?' and the answer is a combination of things--socioeconomic, backstory, the time the story is set, the context within which the characters are operating. From there, you (or rather, I) can ask: what about the hints? This character's actions have a very straightforward explanation, but I can also look a little deeper and go--he's standing awfully close. These two characters can't seem to look away from each other. This character is being sanctimonious, but he has a point. This other character is trying to prove himself so hard he's come back around to trying to make everyone dislike him.

They're imperfect people, which makes them interesting to me. It means there are things to explore. And then you add the portrayals we see thirty years later--where we see some things have changed and some things have stayed the same for these characters, but what the movie chooses to show of them is the end result of thirty years of staunch, unwavering love. And that's interesting to me. I want to hear a bit more about that. I want to poke it and see what makes it tick.

That's what fanfiction's about, yeah?

...okay and also I like planes LOL I'm really sorry but it's the truth 😅

[cleverthylacine]

If you don't mind what someone is doing, then you don't mind. You feel how you feel, full stop.

If the thing you don't mind is causing you physical, emotional or financial harm, then you should probably make them stop doing that anyway. If you're depressed after seeing that person, or they're being too physically aggressive, or they're spending a lot of your money...it might be worth your while to stop them, even if you don't feel a strong emotional objection.

But if the thing you don't mind is causing you no harm, it's nobody's business but yours and theirs. You are not obliged to care about the same things that other people care about.

Some people, for instance, like to be touched even by people they don't know super well, they like hugs and handshakes and kisses hello, and that's fine, as long as they don't try to make anyone who doesn't like that stuff participate.

Some people don't mind sharing their food because they know they have enough to share and they don't have any allergies to worry about contamination. Your boundaries are yours, and you can't 'make' other people respect them, because you can't actually 'make' other people do anything, really. You're not the government or a cop and these are good things not to be.

Boundaries are not about what other people are allowed to do, but rather, what you will do when they do things you dislike a lot.

For instance, my mother knows that if she starts in on me about certain topics, I will leave or hang up the phone, and because I actually follow through with that every time, she doesn't do that anymore. We both know that she hates the way I dress but we are both old ladies, it's not going to change!

If you tell people what you are going to do if they bother you (usually, the best answer is 'leave/hang up/mute them') and then you do it, every time, one of two things will happen:

They'll stop doing that; or

When they do it, you won't be there.

And on the internet, if strangers annoy you, block them. If you decide you're curious about them later when you've calmed down, you can undo it and read through their blog to determine if you're likely to think they're an asshole after you get to know them.

Sometimes I wonder: am I bad at making others respect my boundaries and let them walk all over them or do I have broader boundaries than most people?

Because instinct tells me most people would NOT appreciate other people doing [x] to them, but at the same time, it doesn't bother ME, like literally i don't even care... but I'm conscious about the fact that others would care???

so, uh, idk???

[catgirl-catboy]

Alrighty then, strap in lol /j

Before we start this is all just out of pure curiosity and I mean no harm by it. If I ask a question that you don’t want to answer or anything of that nature do not feel obligated to answer it. The last thing I want to do is make you feel uncomfortable when the situation of an anti and a proshipper talkings is already a bit awkward in itself lol

I’m gonna start by just… stating my views on everything? You could respond by correcting me based on what you believe is true or just state your opinions as well. Or just go off on a tangent that’s cool too it’s up to you haha

I firmly believe that nobody should be sent shit like death threats over fiction because at the end of the day they are just concepts, BUT I don’t believe “problematic shipping” should be encouraged. I could care less if someone shipped a ‘toxic’ relationship, if it’s two consenting adults then it really doesn’t matter. However, I do believe a line is crossed once things like pedophilia and incest get involved. Children should never be viewed in a sexual light, fictional or not, and I believe that one’s opinion on this topic says a ton about them. Things like lolisho are illegal in certain parts of the world, and debatable in others which, to me, makes sense. It’s still CP, even if it doesn’t involve actual children, and I believe creators and consumers of such content should face some form of punishment. Considering that, on paper, it doesn’t hurt anyone, it should probably be a fine or something. That part isn’t important, I’m just trying to make the point that I do not believe that kodocons are as vile as pedophiles, but theyre both equally as creepy. Viewing children in a sexual light, like I said, should not be tolerated under any circumstances; no ‘if,’ ‘ands,’ or ‘buts’ about it.

And when it comes to the other topic, IRL incest can never be consensual and is always abusive whether someone wants to admit it or not, so somebody having a fixation on incestuous relationships in their fantasies is something that should be criticized lol.

I am open to discussion. I know sites like twitter and such discourage nuance but uh�� fuck twitter lol I’m doing this anyway

ooooh! Honestly, I'm so hyped for this discussion. :). Heres a read-more since it got kinda long. (Seriously, go finish the thing you are procrastinating on before reading lol)

Allow me to first state my definition on common terms, since I know people disagree about definitions. Heres what I'm working under.

Anti- A person would like platforms like tumblr and ao3 to ban content. Some antis take matters into their own hands by making blocklists and taking other measures. This content is often problematic but doesn't have to be.

Proshipper- A person who thinks that such content shouldn't be moderated. They can despise the content as much as an anti would, the defining factor is that they don't trust the platform or the platform's users to moderate it.

To be clear, neither of those refer to actual child pornography or "content" like revenge porn. I don't want to talk to people that think it does.

A second counterpoint, assholery has nothing to do with these definitions. There are dicks in both groups, so we can't use them to define either group.

In my definition, RPF is a bit murkier because there's an expectation that people are going to ship and write fiction for a celebrity. They knew this going in. It's totally valid to not want to be shipped, but they are maybe in the wrong career field. However, writing NSFW of actual minors (I believe) falls into CSEM, and I'm morally against it. For an IRL example, picture a musician who doesn't want any covers of their songs, and stuff like that.

Before I get into expanding on your points, I'd like to share exactly what I ship. Have all cards on the table, you know?

- I mostly ship toxic/abusive ships, but not in aus that completely change the dynamic. Its like studying a nature documentary to me, but I'd never want to be in the position of either of the characters.

- I also tend to ignore fanon sexualities, which gets me some hate. I ship whatever makes a good story.

- I have two incest ships. One wasn't revealed to be related until the end, by which I already shipped it and chose not to stop. The other one has the same complicated dynamic at my toxic ships, so I'd like it exactly the same if the two weren't related.

- I have one minor/adult ship. Mostly because the series was really unclear with its ages, so I thought it was 18 x 23ish when in actuality... it wasn't.

- I don't consume loli/shota content, but I'm okay with interacting with fans of it.

- I have zero RPF ships. Not my thing.

- I don't selfship, or ship my OCs with canon.

To preface my rebuttal (pfft butt), I would like to know your thoughts on what exactly constitutes a minor by your terms. My main problem your lolicon argument is that I've seen a million different definitions of 'minor' from antis. How could such a law be enforced if everyone had a slightly different definition?

Pedophilia is illegal and morally disgusting because children can't consent. They simply don't know enough about the world. Meanwhile, both the reader and writer consent in loli. As long as its tagged correctly, nobody gets exposed to it when they are not looking for it. If a proshipper doesn't tag their shit right, they need to fix it. If they don't they are a dick. If we are using the layman's (not the government's) definition of CP, I agree with you that it is CP. I personally don't wanna go anywhere near it. But no minors are being exploited in the making of this material, so legally...

In addition to it being near impossible to enforce due to no solid definition, I highly doubt a rule like that would be enforced in the way you are thinking. I've never seen someone argue Tumblr staff is competent. I doubt doing it by site would be practical, so it would probably have to be at an international level. The government isn't cracking down on CSEM hard enough. That has to be the first priority.

I don't really want to get this blog involved in the IRL incest debate. Its fucked up, but harassing people over it is also fucked up. When a serious problem comes up, you should call the police and let them handle that.

[fierceawakening]

I think sometimes the way you switch between talking about your personal feelings and general principles is hard to follow. I've had a generally good impression of you, but I've had posts where I've had to read things repeatedly. Plus, this seems to step on some trauma triggers for you. (FYI, I don't feel other people are required to pretend to not notice my mental health issues, just respect my boundaries about discussing them. And people can decide if they want to be close to me or not.)

Yeah, I kind of think it does. I'm also kind of wondering if maybe part of it has to do with demographics. I'm in my 40s and while I don't leave home for work lately due to the pandemic, there is a delineation between when I'm working and when I'm talking to people. I don't mind conflict and confrontation on social media because I often like discussing controversial topics, but I don't like the idea that I should have to take care of people with the same intensity and focus when I'm not working as when I'm supposed to be. And a whole lot of the stuff about how much I'm supposed to educate myself about autism feels like work, and feels like work I'm not sure I should have to be doing.

I feel like I’m being SJed at, very loudly. And like a lot of people in my social circle get why that doesn’t always yield the results SJers want, but as soon as I’m figured as “the NT” all the “wait, let’s not be mean to privileged people” goes out the window, because white people aren’t evil, men aren’t evil, hets aren’t evil, but NTs? Hateful horrible humans who go around traumatizing autistic people and nothing else, or at least so it seems from the way people talk about them. (And I’m not actually NT!)

Because I don't think I'm entirely ignorant, and I do think part of what's going on is less about me educating myself and more about me having strong opinions about how people aren't obligated to form friendships or connections if they don't want to. I'm a very strong believer in consent culture, so when somebody says "but nobody will be friends with me because I'm different," I feel bad for that person but I don't really have a way to solve their problem. And I feel a little put upon that they're talking about the problem as if it has something to do with me. So part of what I'm wondering is if the people I'm talking to are young people at school or used to school, who are often in close quarters with people who don't share much in common with them besides age. That's not an experience I've had in a very long time. Really the only people I have to interact with without having some internal desire of my own to do so are my coworkers. I could see how someone could feel more like it's an affront from society at large that people don't hang out with them or pay attention to them enough for them to be more mentally healthy. I kind of felt that way myself when I was in school. But I feel strongly about that now because I think the people who did hang out with me when I was like that didn't really like me very much. They thought that I was clingy and needed to much attention and often wanted me to go away. Because they weren’t looking to solve someone's depression and anxiety, they were looking for a friend. And because of the depression and anxiety, it was harder for me to pay attention to their needs and take care of them since everything was so... immediate and pressing. Which I think is why the idea that some mental illnesses make empathizing difficult made sense to me in the first place.

Because it's very hard for you to focus more on another person's emotions and feelings than your own if your own are really intense or upsetting or overwhelming. And that sucks, and it's not really fair, but that is a reason people might like you less. Which is why I was trying to argue against what I thought was the idea that some people should just... be accepted because society tends to be shitty to low empathy people. 

People don’t like feeling forced into interactions out of pity, and they’re likely to eventually show it.

[dxmedstudent]

Totally medically unrelated question, but if you had a crush on your childhood best friend of the same gender, and they know you're a homosexual, but you don't know much about their orientation, would you take the risk and tell them about your feelings? Why or why not?

That’s OK. This is sticking out from all the slightly more challenging ‘how do you survive medical school’ questions that are piling up (Which I WILL answer, when I can write a decent reply!). It’s a tricky one, and something many people have faced in some form or another. Do we tell someone how we feel, or do we hold back? And I guess the risks and benefits are different in each situation. Although you’re phrasing it as a question to me (what would I do if I happened to have a crush on my childhood bestie of the same gender, and why/why not would I confess), I’m going to assume this isn’t about me, but about another real person. As it is, much as though I love my closest friends and would do almost anything for them, I don’t think I could date them. Not just because I don’t happen to be attracted to them, but because I’ve never seen us as compatible like that.  So whilst I could answer the question ‘would you confess to a girl you liked who was your friend’, there would be a whole layer missing in terms of history. Confessing to a new friend is different to confessing to someone you’ve known your whole life.I’ll put the rest behind a cut, only to save anyone following for medical stuff the wall of text that is my advice. Now, I know that people will almost always just go ahead and do what they want to do, so I actually consider this ask to be a moot point. When it comes to love, we often ask advice because we want someone to confirm that what we want to do is the right thing. And if they disagree, we tend to do it anyway. At least, that’s what years of us all supporting each other IRL has taught me. So you’re not obligated to take my advice, or even read it.

Let’s start with the person you like. You don’t know everything about your crush’s sexuality; perhaps they are a little more private about what they like, and that’s OK. It’s good not to bring in too many assumptions about what they like, so I think it’s sensible not to assume. It makes me suspect that they are a private person, who keeps certain topics close to their chest. I assume that you’ve already probablyYou probably feel nervous, because it’s hard for you to tell if they could be interested, or not. I get that being part of a minority in terms of sexuality adds an extra layer of difficulty, because perhaps the likelihood is a bit less. However, even if we are of a gender someone is attracted to, there’s always the chance that they don’t feel the same way. None of us get to escape that risk of being turned down. So I don’t think their gender should necessarily be a reason for you to choose to hold back (or to tell them). Now, where it matters is whether you feel they may be homophobic. I’m hoping (for your sake) that if they’ve been your best friend since forever, and you like them a lot, that you’ve gained enough of a picture to hope that they aren’t. Your safety comes first, and I’m never going to tell you that you have to confess to someone if you’re worried about getting a response like that.Telling someone how you feel is a transformative act. It takes you down a path that you can’t choose, and makes sure that you’ll never be standing quite where you’re standing now. And it depends on how OK you are with that. Many of us have a burning need to get things off our chest, and find out what might have been. Some of us are cautious. There’s no one right answer, though what is best for us might depend on what is going on. Films teach us that we ALWAYS have to tell EVERYONE what we feel, or we might miss a beautiful relationship. But in reality we all choose whether to do something about how we feel about someone. Because life isn’t a romance film loaded to set us up with someone. And we’ve all got different criteria by which we decide whether to take the risk or not. What might be worth it for me, might not be worth it for you. The main risk of telling them is that it changes things. Sometimes we get what we want (they like us too! OMG), and sometimes we don’t get what we want. And it all depends on how we (and they) respond if it doesn’t work out. I’ve know people to stay friends afterwards. Sure, the person with the unrequited crush needs space to move on. But it doesn’t always have to mean the end of the friendship. However, it depends on the person whose feelings are unrequited. Are they able to move on? Do they have issues with entitlement. Can they honestly accept that it isn’t happening, and that instead they have a rich, valuable friendship and nothing more? Because I’ve definitely known some people who just cannot accept if someone isn’t interested, and whose friendships deteriorated because it was just too painful and difficult for them after being turned down. They demand reasons. They demand people reconsider. They tell the person that nobody can be as good for them. And it goes on. However, this kind of person isn’t likely to be happy with quietly remaining friends, either. Because it’s not what they really want, so they can end up passive aggressively taking it out, or sabotaging the person’s relationships. And that’s not fair, either. So, in some cases keeping it to yourself doesn’t really save your friendship, either. I’ve seen that, too. The main risk of not telling them is that you never get closure. You end up still close, but unable to explore an avenue that means a lot to you. Pining after someone who is actively in your life is painful and bittersweet, and makes it really hard for you to move on or consider seeing other people. Because you’re stuck with someone you care about right in front of you, who you can’t stop thinking about. It also depends on what else is going on with the best friend. I’m assuming you’re both roughly the same age, and both free to act without coersion, without one being unduly dependent on the other. If you were confessing an attraction to your friend’s mum or relatives in general, friend’s partner, your cousin, or your patient or client, your boss, or your student or teacher etc, my advice would be different (hell no, don’t go there, and give yourself some distance). I could give you a lot of increasingly random examples, but you get the picture. Even when we’re talking about people who are of age, it’s still important that there shouldn’t be a significant power differential, one party shouldn’t have to feel dependent on the other, nor should the other party be in a position of trust. Because how can someone fully consent if they feel like they have no other choice?  I’d extend that to times when it’s not appropriate to make a move. Their grandmother’s funeral? Just after they broke up? When they just got fired? Yup, they might need your support, but I feel that it’s wrong to burden someone who is struggling already, with your confession at a time that they can’t think straight and would find it difficult to tell you how they feel because you are their only source of support. I also don’t personally advise ‘confessing’ your feelings to someone who is in a monogamous relationship with someone else, whether you feel it is a happy one or not. Your ability to gauge their relationship is going to be biased, but also it should stand or fail on its own merits. I don’t believe in splitting other people up; if someone wants to leave a relationship, that should be 100% their decision, and I’ll see them when/if they are single.  But I would find it difficult to trust anyone who broke up a longterm relationship because they liked the look of me, and I wouldn’t personally like to be responsible for that kind of drama. Either you get turned down (likely) or you end up with someone leaving their partner for a mere possibility, full of baggage, and planting seeds in your minds that they just aren’t ready for commitment. And out of politeness, I’d try to steer clear of friends/colleagues’ exes. Unless it was explicitly known to be OK. Mainly because life is too short for the drama that inevitably ensues, and it will probably risk your friendship if it comes out. There’s a long list of times when you might reasonably think ‘I should probably not act on this’. Listen to your gut, if you have a reason to think it’s a bad idea, then tread carefully. I definitely don’t believe that every time we have feelings for someone has to be acted on, but rather that they are chances that we can decide to act upon, all things being equal. Overall, although it can change or even end friendships, telling someone gives you a chance; to try a relationship, to try to remain friends, or to take space and move on. It’s not a wrong answer, so long as you don’t try to force your feelings on the other person. But if you have strong reasons to believe that they don’t feel the same way (they are in a relationship, etc) or it’s inappropriate to pursue them at this point in time, then you may well choose to distance yourself and move on. Or wait. I advise against waiting, in the longterm, because people tend to want closure. But we’re all different, and sometimes we decide not to take chances, or to take them.

[mikerichrds]

bruh how you gonna reblog stuff that's denouncing fans who are elitist and gatekeepers but then you put down hockey fans who are into check please? you saying "I know I'm rlly nitpicky" doesn't mean anything when you don't make the effort to like, apologise or at least even state that you're not trying to put them down ? and wdym with "oh i cant believe op didn't bother to do research" like fam,, they're just writing fics its not a thesis paper 1/2

like, not everyone knows every single thing about hockey, whether they started being a fan bc of hockey itself, or bc of omgcp or bc they saw a cute guy. everyone has different levels of knowledge about the game, and regardless of whether they choose to learn more or not, if they’re just staying in their own lane and writing their own fics and minding their own business, you shouldn’t be quoting lines from fics and making fun of them and gatekeeping 2/2

“it’s just when y'all cross the line into ‘irl hockey’” like bruh are you for real right now? ofc they’re gna make mistakes about handshake lines and goalie captain do you srsly think they’re gna know every single thing there is to know about hockey ??? like how hard is it, when someone makes a mistake, to just correct them nicely ?? instead of being like “hurr durr burr your lack of knowledge irks me and makes my eye twitch so you need to stop” ??? 

(same anon?)

i know you’re referencing posts i’ve reblogged in relation to this discourse but i wouldn’t describe them as denouncing fans who are elitist and gatekeepers. i dont believe that i’ve put down hockey fans for simply being into check please. i’m on some level into check please, my self.

what am i supposed to be apologizing for? i didn’t say that i’m nitpicky as a way of being apologetic for what i went on to say, it was more of an explanation for why those inaccuracies stuck with me.

i completely understand that everyone has different levels of knowledge of the game and they nobody is under obligation to learn more if they don’t want to.

pertaining to research for fic writing its just something that i value and notice. paticularly when its on a topic im familiar with (in thic caase hockey). when writing in an area im not familiar with, personally, i would have looked into and double checked the things i was writing to make sure they are correct. thats what i mean.

i don’t quote lines from fics. someone came into my ask box referencing check please fic so i responded with my own experience. my input (”they were in the Q and they played the otters”) was an at most vague reference to a fic i read a while ago. i don’t believe that i was making fun of them.

i don’t think i’m gatekeeping either. i’ve never said if you don’t know anything about hockey and your a check please fan than you cant be a fan of ‘irl hockey.’

if you don’t know what you are talking about then why are you talking about it? im not going to write a post on, for example, bitty and his pie baking because i don’t know anything about pie baking. if i made that hypothetical post without looking up anything about pie baking, i am going to make mistakes (similar to hockey related posts made by check please fans). a person who knew about pie baking would see my post and probably be a little annoyed, wouldn’t you? 

i think its how someone deals with seeing that post that is the issue. like you said, “how hard is it, when someone makes a mistake, to just correct them nicely?“  i get that, but honestly i don’t feel like i should be educating/correcting check please fans who don’t feel like they should be educated (”everyone has different levels of knowledge about the game, and regardless of whether they choose to learn more or not”)

-

also i’m just going to add another ask i got while writing this (anon i hope you don’t mind the inclusion of your message used in the response to this) because i feel like its very relevant to what we’re discussing atm

so i like,,,,,, live and grew up in georgia. and i love omgcp fic but damn i cant stop myself from criticizing every single one that has a reference to georgia? like even bittys language that some of them make him use fucking destroys me and just. i read one fic that was set in my fucking city and the whole time i was like 😬😬😬 because it was so obvious they didnt research jack shit? so i totally feel where ur comin from w those other asks

(thank u georgia anon for sending me a different perspective !)