#but neither of those is exactly a trivial political project either

[st-just]

Well that's the issue, right? It puts money in peoples pockets! Increases circulation! And, now that we've pretty definitively exited the zero interest rate period (RIP my chances of ever owning a home), that sort of increased spending pretty much definitively requires a) increased taxation to meet it, b) matching cuts of equal magnitude somewhere or c) heightened inflation.

Which like, personally any one of those would be absolutely worth it, but the last couple years are a pretty good demonstration that the median American voter (let alone donor) is disinclined to agree. It's a problem.

I guess the underlying blackpill around the current economic data is that if Americans find 6.5% YoY inflation in 2022 to be totally intolerable while the job market is as tight as it has ever been and wage growth is way up, how on earth are we ever going to do massive public investment?

if you imagine a future where the US government spends very heavily on infrastructure, welfare, etc, this is really not a good sign about its political viability

[thinking-in-symbols]

Quinquennial Life Assessment

So, it’s been a few years.  When I was 19 I posted a sort of “roadmap” for the evolution of my life on this blog.  Today I thought I’d revisit that.  I want to take a look back and see what progress I’ve made, and then in a separate post I want to turn to the future, think about how my vision for it has changed, and consider how I can reincorporate these goals into that vision.

This is the list of things I wanted to get done in varying time frames.  I’ve crossed off the things I’ve done to get a sense of my progress:

1 year:

At 19, my hopes were to accomplish the following things by age 20:

- Joined, and consistently participated in, at least 2 campus organizations that suit my interests, at least 1 of which should be competitive in nature - well, I joined the ISO and KVRX, my college radio station!  Neither of those were competitive, but in retrospect I don’t really care about that :-)

- Made concrete plans to study abroad - Nope, unfortunately I never did this.  I’m not quite sure I regret that, all things considered - I traded that experience for other things.  I did make plans to spend a few months abroad of my own accord, and I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for that meddling global pandemic.  But as it stands I haven’t done this.

- Learned C++ and python to proficiency - Hm.  “Proficient” is a relative term.  But I think I have a tendency to downplay my skills, so in the interest of counteracting that I’m going to count myself as “proficient” in these languages.  I think that’s fair.

- Gone on at least a several day road trip with at least 1 friend - I’ve gone on several trips with @meeshbug​, my very lovely girlfriend and best friend in the world :-)

- Decided on a concentration beyond the extremely vague umbrella of “computer science” - Unfortunately as far as my education is concerned I never really did this.  If anything my interests have *broadened* rather than becoming more focused.  More on this later...

- Made meaningful, ongoing contributions to an open-source project - You know what?  I’ve published the source of everything I’ve ever made, and I’ve gotten to the point where I can make stuff that’s not trivial.  So I’m giving myself credit for this one.

- Learned to cook enough meals to eat in most days and not get sick of my own food - I wish.  I’ve learned to cook a fair amount of stuff but I still get way too depressed and lethargic to apply that consistently.  Whether I consider myself to have achieved this honestly depends on the month.

- Learned to keep my living area clean - I’m much better at this than I was at 19, but at 19 I could barely clear a path to walk across my room.  So there’s more work to do.  More on these last two later.

- Gotten a pet - Meesh and I have a dog named Courage (after the dog of cowardly fame) and a cat named Jax!

2 years:

- Independently written a piece of software to completion and deployed it publicly - I’ve always pretty bad at actually seeing projects through to completion, but I do have a few full, independent projects under my belt at this point.  I’ve built a simple game engine, a pathtracer, plugins for games I like, and some other stuff.

- purchased and begun regularly using some basic amateur radio equipment - Ah man.  I got my license but I still haven’t gotten any equipment.  I guess I have to get on that...

- purchased and begun experimenting with some basic music recording equipment - This one I’ve done, but I haven’t done as much experimenting as I’d like.

- hosted a party - I did this for my 21st birthday and it’s one of my favorite memories!  Honestly this was probably the last time I had all my really close friends in one place.  I’m actually getting kind of emotional about that.

- done some kind of hallucinogen - I have now done this.  I definitely did get something out of it, albeit not what I expected.  This is something I actually only did pretty recently and it’s still having a pretty profound effect.  Maybe I’ll write a separate post about this.

- Gone camping with friends - Despite my best efforts, this hasn’t happened yet.  Pretty fucked up.

3 years:

- learned to play another instrument besides the piano (guitar?) - I don’t feel comfortable crossing this one off quite yet, but I went ahead and bought myself some guitar equipment and have been messing around with it lately :-) I think I’m going to have to bite the bullet and pay for lessons if I’m serious about this, which I am.

- Written and recorded a song - Damn, I can’t believe it’s been 5 years and I haven’t even done this.

- Met a group of people I can play music with - nope

- Owned a leather jacket.  I can’t believe I’ve still never even owned a leather jacket - I’ve done this and wore it frankly too much.  Kinda cringe.

- Worked as a professional software developer - Yep!  Worked as a software developer for a retail company for a couple years.  I’m actually not working as a software developer right now, though; I’m working in a sort of adjacent position.  More on this later.

- Participated in research related to my field - That’s pretty ambitious.  Not sure I’ll ever do this, unfortunately.  But we’ll see.

- Been to a film festival - Oh shit, I totally forgot about having written this.  That’s a cool idea.  I should do this, it’s not like it’s hard (well, at least in principle.  I guess covid kind of changes the situation).

- Gotten a dog - Courage is one of those, I think, although he might also be part rat.

- collected 50 records - Lol, my dumb ass really thought I was going to buy $1,000 worth of records on college money.  No, I haven’t done this, but I’m on my way there.

- Purchased a desktop computer - Well, my dad gave me his old desktop.  That’s not really a purchase but I think it counts.

5 years:

- Begun accepting freelance development gigs - haven’t gotten here yet and I’m not totally sure this is a direction I want to go in my career.  Freelancing has its own stressors as I’ve come to learn from others.  No career path is sunshine and roses and I’m trying to internalize this fact.

- Participated in a student film - Nope.  I don’t even know why I wrote this down to be honest.

- Gotten laid by solving a 5x5 Rubik’s Cube in front of a girl because surely that’s gonna have to work on someone eventually, otherwise I wasted a lot of time - These are getting weird.  Surely I didn’t really expect this to happen, right?  Well, either way I now have a long-term girlfriend, so I don’t - wait, Meesh has seen me solve a Rubik’s cube and she saw it before we started dating.  So actually I’m going to give myself credit for it.  I’m the one who makes the rules here.

- Fleshed out my political opinions - Yes, I now know everything about politics and can answer 100% of questions on political issues.  Just kidding.  But I know where I stand.

- Participated in a protest or some other kind of political event - Done!  Went to a few protests as part of the ISO, participated in lots of their events, and attended some protests with friends as well.

- Studied abroad - Nope :-/

- Learned a language other than Spanish - I took a semester of French!  But I don’t quite want to give myself credit for this one because I really would like to learn a different language to something resembling fluency.

- Run a marathon - Lmao.  I am in much worse shape now than I was when I wrote this post, and even at that time I could probably do like 7 miles if I really pushed myself.  How sad.

- Gone hiking outside of texas - This is weird because I’d literally already done this when I wrote this post.  But I’ve done it more since then, so hey!

- Been out of the country with a friend - This I had also already done.  I guess the point is to have done it without “adult supervision” or whatever.  I haven’t done this since writing this list so I guess I have to leave it uncrossed.

10 years:

- Lived with a girl for an extended period of time - Meesh 🥰

- Spent at least 6 months living on the road in an RV, preferably with a dog and a girl - God, I am so close to being able to do this.  I don’t want it to be an RV anymore - those things are expensive.  But a van?  Still pricey, but doable, especially if I’m willing to sacrifice some comfort.  This has actually been front-of-mind for a while.  I’ll let you know when I get the balls to pull the trigger.

- Started making Real Money - Well, yep, I have gotten to that point.  I do have other thoughts on this, though.  Money is weird, man.

- Lived in a long-term living space outside of Texas (i.e. not including RV time) - How long is long-term?  Three months?  If so, I’ve done this by living in Boston with Meesh for a few months after she went there for law school.  However, I anticipate staying there much longer in the near future, so I’ll wait on this crossing this one off.

- Written a book about something, idk - Not yet.  I’m halfway to the deadline on this one and I have some ideas, but ideas aren’t worth all that much, especially to me, who rarely sees them through.  We’ll see where this goes.  It’s not exactly a priority and historically I struggle to get even my priorities done.  It might make more sense to replace this with recording a concept or narrative album, for which I also have ideas that I happen to take more seriously.

- Learned to solve a 6x6 Rubik’s Cube - nope

- Gotten laid by solving a 6x6 Rubik’s Cube - nope

- Lived in an apartment where I pay all the rent - Yes!  :-))) We love independence

- Earned an advanced degree (this one’s iffy) - This hasn’t happened, and whether it will ever happen is something I’ve been thinking a lot about.  I sort of decided half-way through college that I would be totally burned out on school by the time I graduated.  But in retrospect it takes way less time to burn out on work than it does to burn out on school, and grad degrees are a different kind of thing.  So it’s worth revisiting.’

- Given a best man speech (Sam, this means you have to get married within the next 10 years.  Good luck out there.) - Holy shit, Sam, you maniac, you actually did it!  Sam got married back in 2019 and I gave his best man speech! It’s another one of my favorite memories :-) 

- Gone on a cruise with someone I’m dating - Hmm, not yet.  I’ve gone on cool trips, but none on a boat.  Maybe that’s something to aim for after the pandemic passes :-)

Retrospective:

1yr: Completed: 5/9

More than half isn’t bad!  I’m not gonna worry too much about whether I got these things done within their assigned “time-frame”.  I’m a procrastinator in my heart and I don’t see any reason to put that kind of pressure on myself.  The point is, they got done.  That’s enough for me.

The things I did best in in this category were academic things, and things to do with relationships.  I’m proud of the academic achievements, I really feel like doing them has increased my belief in myself and my sense that I’m good at the thing I’ve spent the last four years studying.  And of course, I am so happy to be in a loving, fulfilling relationship that brings so many good things into my life.  I almost feel like the things I accomplished sort of fell into my lap - of course I’m gonna do programming stuff as a programming student, and getting pets / going on road trips are things I did as a result of my relationship with Meesh.  I don’t say that to downplay the accomplishments, but I do think it’s worth noting.

The things I haven’t done are more to do with personal development, which is disappointing.  I would like to be able to say, 5 years down the road, that I’ve done the personal development I expected to do in just a single year, but maybe that’s a lot to expect.  These are problems I’ve dealt with my whole life.  I think what this means is that I can’t expect everything to fall into my lap.  Those things are going to take real concerted effort to change.  I’m not quite sure how to go about that, though.

2yrs: Completed: 4/6

Two-thirds!  Even better!

Lots of these are one-time accomplishments, not so much long-term commitments to personal development.  The good news is, I did them, and I think those resulted in some development in their own right :-)

Again, though, the things I didn’t do so well are the things that require long-term, concerted effort.  For instance, while I crossed off the one about experimenting with music, it’s really only the initial investment that I’ve really done at this point.  It remains to be seen whether I’ll be able to follow through on the commitment to actually experiment and learn.

3yrs: Completed: 4/10

This category also follows the same pattern I’ve noticed with the last two.  The other thing I’m noticing is that so, so much of my effort over the past few years has been going towards developing a very particular skill: programming / computer science.  Music and art are so important to me, but I’ve done very little real development in those areas.  I mean, I’ve done some.  But not as much as I would have hoped for half a decade.

5yrs: Completed: 4/10

This is getting a little more fun because less of my goals have to do explicitly with my degree.  I’m starting to think beyond college, which is good, because the stage of life I’m in right now requires me to start thinking about the kind of life I want to build now that I’m done with school.  Also, I’m at the deadline for this one right now!  So this is a particularly interesting category because it really shows where I thought I’d be by this time.

The goals I accomplished in this timeframe are, again, mostly things I’ve done through my relationship, but politics also feature pretty prominently on this part of the list.  I spent a lot of time reading and researching political issues during college and really did look for ways to participate.  I honestly made politics a pretty big part of my identity over the last 5 years, and I think it will stay that way forever, but I’ve gotten to the point where I think I need to devote less of my mental energy to knowing more.  I know what I need to know.  It’s time to think about other things.

10yrs: Completed: 4/11 (and counting!)

There’s some career stuff in this section that I’ve been able to do, which is good news.  I’ve always been scared about entering the working world.  All things told, it’s gone more smoothly than it could have.  But I also have lots of lingering doubts about what I want to do in the long term.  So one of the most pressing goals I should aim for is to resolve those doubts.

Ultimately, I have a lot of time left, and I’m not even done with this time frame, so I’m not gonna spend much time dissecting the things I haven’t done.  What I’ll do instead is say that while I didn’t do everything on this list, I feel proud of the things I have accomplished.  I said when I first wrote this list that it’s sometimes hard for me to feel that my life is moving in any particular direction, and I’m still feeling like that five years later, to be honest.  But looking back on these things has helped me see that I actually am making progress in my life.  Not in all the ways I want to, but that’s OK.  There’s still time.

In the next couple days I want to come back to this and reorganize this list into an updated set of goals, for the same time frames.  Maybe that will help me think through exactly what it is I want out of the next five-ten years, with the benefit of having analyzed the things that I did and didn’t do well over the previous five.

[sashakielman]

More Than a Flame

I originally wrote this short story as background for my current novel project this past summer. It features one of the side characters from the novel. I entered it into a short story contest this January--it was not selected, so I’m posting it here! Title taken from “Flower and Flame” by Helen Hoyt.

Pooja was a fire-witch, a damn good one at that, although it was not for what she was known--that, of course, was her cooking. She would have preferred to be known as a capable fire-witch, though compared to her wife’s family’s prodigious gifts, her magic was paltry; she could not stand down the Imperator himself, with him beating at her mind, and still crush an entire legion of his best troops with a blast of her power the way the late Queen had. 

May her soul find peace.

House Ashtoretara did not begrudge Pooja her own gods, nor her particular clothing styles, spicy recipes, and rich teas--they welcomed her with open arms when she pledged her heart to one of the few remaining daughters of their house, just after the war’s end. Too many lives were lost to deny true love, or dwell on trivialities.

Her wife was now officially the Elder of the House, and it was Pooja’s cooking that became famous rather than her own accomplishments. Pooja sighed while she adjusted the flames to the perfect height and temperature to simmer an aromatic stew for dinner and to put a kettle on for afternoon tea. 

It was warm, too warm in the kitchen with the flames just so, but Pooja would not have it any other way. She adjusted her garment over her ample figure, and waited for her wife to return from her meeting. 

If it made Pooja feel any better, her wife wasn’t known for her magic, either.

Ameliorana Ashtoretara was not as gifted a witch as her cousin Eliana, Queen of all Witches, nor their niece Shina, who would be the next Queen of House Ashtoretara, but she was a good wife, a capable negotiator, a fierce lioness as an auntie, and the love of Pooja’s life. 

They accepted their destiny to not bear their own children peaceably. None of the seed potions they tried ever took root in their wombs, and neither was ever interested in opening up their marriage to a partner with whom they could conceive traditionally. So they opened their doors to a number of apprentices, cousins, nieces, nephews, and whoever else happened to appear seeking knowledge, wisdom, or a full belly. 

Pooja loved the sounds of laughter, of knowing people enjoyed her food, of knowing people felt safe with her and Ameliorana. 

It made moments like now all the more painful, knowing they would go to war once again. 

For the clouds darkened over the Solstice, the most sacred time for the people of Galilena, and the magical storms arrived, along with infernal shadows and birds. They could have been sent by only one man, and one man alone. 

The thrice-damned Imperator had returned. Pooja damned him once for the first war, once for the war that was yet to come, and once for his death, when it would come. Pooja’s people did not believe in a place of damnation after death, but she liked the concept when applied to the Imperator.

Despite the warmth in their house, Pooja rubbed her arms. It was only a matter of time. 

She did not know what grudge the Imperator bore House Ashtoretara and the Realm of Galilena--only that they had borne the brunt of his evil during the last war, and it looked to be the same with this one. Her own family, House Fintana, contributed to help their siblings in witchery during the last war, but their losses were nothing compared to what her wife’s family suffered. Though on the other side of the world from his own Realm, Galilena still bore the scars of the Imperator’s attacks. 

Pooja sipped her tea in her favorite chair while she waited for Ameliorana, making mental notes of everyone in her home Realm who owed her a favor, or could be counted upon to have well-stocked warehouses. 

Her people’s magic tended towards fire magic, but she knew there were strong earth-movers from her realm in some of the Realms-wide competitions these past few years. Their rivalry with the sea-witches of House Mariushka was well founded and vicious. House Mariushka was one of the few ancient Houses that was not a hereditary family; their witches came from across the Realms once they earned entrance by sailing--or in the rare case, swimming, or riding a sea creature--to their ancestral seat on Mariu, from which they took their name. 

They could count on House Mariushka’s fleet. Those witches would never flee a fair fight. Pooja tried to remember their famous captain’s name--Brendanus?--but found she could not. Naval history was never something that interested Pooja when she was in school. Nor war history, nor politics and strategies. 

And yet here she was, the wife of one of Galilena’s most famed politicians, in a land known for public service. 

When Eliana came to beg her cousin’s help, Pooja told Ameliorana they should leave the adventuring to the younger generations. They were getting old, with gray streaks in their hair and joints that creaked more and more with each day. Pooja’s figure reminded her more of melted wax than a statue of a goddess, and Ameliorana needed to wear glasses when reading documents each day. 

Yet the sparks still came to Pooja’s fingertips the same way they had when she was but a child of four years of age. 

Shira’s daughter Rabekaia was but four years of age, and shrieked gleefully every time she caused her toys to float and move in her room. The child deserved to have her mother teach her properly, to have her mother hold her and kiss away nightmares and tears. 

Though she was the heir apparent, Shira could not be the Queen of Galilena alone. 

She needed support. She needed her aunties. 

And Pooja needed more tea if she was going to write everything down. 

Nearly every candle in the house was burning by the time Ameliorana finally returned. Pooja had already lit incense and said a prayer, lit other flames to send messages across the Realms, and cooked a magnificent dinner. 

Her notes were haphazard, scrambled, as she thought of new leads, new people, questions she had for her cousins back home--but they would suffice. 

She clapped her hands to light the dinner table candles, and then embraced her wife. 

���I wasn’t gone that long,” Ameliorana said. 

“Come,” Pooja replied, leading her wife to the table. 

“It smells wonderful.”

“It should,” Pooja said, ladling thick, rich stew into bowls. Ameliorana sighed, stretched her back, and yawned. 

“You were right. We’re getting too old for this.” 

“I’m always right.” 

Ameliorana snorted. Pooja placed a bowl in front of her, then turned to heap a plate for her with rice and bread. 

“Shira can’t do this alone. Eliana can’t do this alone, no matter how much she wants to. And Edan--” 

Ameliorana stopped. 

Edan, their prodigal nephew, Eliana’s son. 

The only male heir ever to be born to House Ashtoretara. The heir of their House always followed the female line. Thousands upon thousands of years of witches dating back to the bards who called their song-spells down Galilena’s mountains above the clouds to the beaches and forests below, and all the Queens of their line were either assigned female at birth or identified thusly among the many genders. 

Until Edan. 

Until Edan ceded his title as heir to his cousin Shira and agreed to participate in one of his mother’s clever schemes. Clever--or deadly. 

Only time would tell if he would live long enough for it to work. Pooja had already lit a candle for Edan, but she would light another. The witches on that side of the family had always tended toward self-effacing sacrifice. It seemed to be the other half of their burden of power--or perhaps its shadow, its cost. 

“Edan never wanted the burden of legacy, of leadership,” Pooja answered for her wife. She wasn’t sure what exactly Edan wanted from his life, but it certainly wasn’t that. 

None of us ever wanted any of this, was the unspoken continuation of the natural thought. Ameliorana knew it as well as Pooja. 

Pooja sat down with her bowl and plate. Ameliorana had already started eating. 

“It’s wonderful, my love,” she said, answering the unspoken question in Pooja’s eyes. 

“You were late. I was worried it simmered too long.” 

“Even if it did simmer too long, it would still be wonderful.”

“That’s not the point.” Pooja sighed into her stew. This was how it would be--late nights, dinner left to her flames for hours, candles burning low. 

The candle that burns at both ends provides double the light, but half the time, they said in her home Realm. 

Pooja hadn’t understood what it meant, not truly, until she went to war. 

Until she saw Queen Jadira sacrifice herself for her people. 

Until she saw the lines around Eliana’s eyes and the gray streaks in her hair years before her own developed. 

A candle should only bear flames on one end. 

People could only bear so many burdens before their flames extinguished themselves. 

Pooja did not often look into the flames for deeper meanings, for mystic experiences--there were other fire-witches who preferred that kind of magic. 

But she often visualized a person as a different type of flame. At the moment, she could tell Ameliorana’s flames were low, smoldering embers, gray before the dawn in a hearth during winter. She knew her own to be the same, even though she would have preferred them to be slow and steady, an even flame for cooking. 

Eliana had always been a blaze--a Solstice bonfire. She was born to be a queen, a rebel, a firebrand--the kind of flame that caught and sparked if one wasn’t too careful. 

Perhaps her flames would spark Pooja’s and Ameliorana’s after all. 

They were quiet for the rest of dinner, both lost to their thoughts and savoring the soft food against their tongues. When they were finished, Pooja took their plates and bowls and began cleaning them, but Ameliorana came to her side and took her hands, holding them despite the hot water and dirty dishes. 

“We will get through this,” she said. “And then we’ll retire to a small cottage by the beach, like you always wanted.” 

Pooja sighed. She would not allow herself to become maudlin; they had borne enough pains and sorrows throughout their lives. She blinked back tears and shook her head.

“We will need enough money to hire a beautiful young woman to fetch us drinks and fresh fruit while we laze upon the beach.”

Ameliorana laughed. “That’s the spirit, my love. I will dry the dishes if you keep washing.” 

Pooja nodded, and when the kitchen was cleaned to her exacting standards, they cleaned themselves up for bed. 

Ameliorana draped an arm across her wife’s shoulders. “What was that pile of notes you left on the table by your chair?”

Pooja sighed again. “We can talk about it in the morning.” 

“We’ll make a politician of you yet, my love.” Pooja could hear the wry humor in her wife’s voice. 

Pooja shook her head. “Never. But a general, perhaps, leading a column of fire. That might work.” 

Ameliorana laughed and pressed a kiss to her wife’s cheek. “I think that can be arranged quite easily. You would look quite fearsome with a battle helmet.” 

“I will look quite fearsome if we don’t destroy this menace for once and for all.”

“We will, my love, we will.” 

Ameliorana slept, but Pooja kept thinking of a flame, bobbing and dancing in the wind. 

The storms would come. The darkness would spread. Would it be enough? 

It would be. It would have to be. 

Laying on her side in the darkness, she reached out her hands and watched a flame spark at each fingertip. She extinguished them before she finally closed her eyes, recognizing that her body needed rest, that she needed to save her strength for the journey ahead.