#but my parents go on vacation to austin and come home talking about moving to texas

[thecryptidart1st]

When did alive au Mikey get kicked out? Was that rough for him, or was he back on his feet pretty quick?

William found out about Michael’s relationship with Jeremy when he was about 16. And by the end of the night, Michael stormed out of house. Though Evan kept in contact, William fully disowned him, and Elizabeth refused to speak to him. And months after the fight, police cars had arrived to the house, taking Clara with them; William soon after filed for divorce. No one knew the full story of what happened that night, but the rumors speculated that Clara became completely distraught over what happened to Michael.

Things were rough during the couple of weeks living on Jeremy’s couch, as Michael struggled with the guilt of leaving his family for what was essentially his own happiness, and later what happened to his mother because of his actions. And this internal fighting with himself led to Mike panicking and walking out of Jeremy’s apartment…

…But, things started turning up when Charlie came home to Hurricane for the summer and found Michael living in his car.

Charlie didn’t care about Mike being gay; all she cared about was that her pseudo-brother was safe and happy. And she forced Henry to let him stay in the Emily household with them while he worked on getting his GED. Though Henry was hesistant about the circumstances, he also knew he couldn’t sit aside and let Mike suffer because of his and William’s internal homophobia.

So he offered Mike a job at Fredbear’s. Mike got his diploma through community college and he worked nights as a security guard. And over the years, he worked his way to a managerial role in Fazbear Entertainment. Charlie worked her summers alongside him and when she graduated, she started training full-time with her dad. When Henry retired, she inherited Fazbear Entertainment. And the first thing she did was make Mike her financial partner and creative director for future restaurants and animatronics.

Jeremy and Mike continue to be off and on in a relationship during this time, but regardless of their status, Jeremy at least helps Mike embrace his sexuality and make more friends in the LGBTQIA+ community in Utah. And when Sammy came home from college and started his service in the Hurricane Police Department, suddenly people at Fredbear's continually witnessed three of the town's local bachelors be "very friendly" with each other.

Over time, Elizabeth begrudgingly lets Evan invite Michael back into her life. Michael finds his mother thanks to Sammy's connections with the police department and continues to keep in contact with her to this day.

And when William has his heart attack years later, it was the first time seeing Michael after their fight...

and then he has another heart attack finding out his son is married to two different men and they have a boy together.

[myemergence]

take me back to the start

Title: take me back to the start Author: @myemergence Rating: E (for one smut scene, later in the fic) Artist: @benjaminrussell Artwork: MAGAZINE COVER and MUSIC VIDEO Warnings/Triggers: mentions of alcoholism, mentions of OC character death, car accident Notes: Thanks to @marcia-elena for the beta on this. I so appreciate all the work you put in! Written for @buddiebigbang. And the artwork is amazing! I love them so much, Holly! Summary: Country music star, Eddie Diaz, is on a break before his US tour when he gets unexpected news: he has a son. He needs to come home to his hometown in West River, TX right away. He hasn’t set foot there since he left for Nashville nine years ago, leaving his old life behind. West River is the last place that Eddie wants to be—he needs to focus on his career, and his tour—not looking after a kid that he doesn’t even know yet.

Crossing paths with his high school sweetheart, Evan Buckley, who’s now a Deputy with the sheriff’s office just might change all of that, reminding Eddie of the person that he used to be… and the kind of person that he wants to be.

Read the whole thing here: AO3 LINK

*

The thing about being a musician and wrapping up a big tour is that it makes the time afterward to unwind and let loose even more rewarding. Taking the time to ground himself before hitting the road again has become essential for Eddie, an integral part of his process. 

This time, there’s no unwinding. As soon as the last concert in the tour ended, he boarded a red-eye flight from Los Angeles into Houston. And he’s tired, a feeling that’s not exactly foreign to him, but he feels weary down to his bones. He’s headed back to West River, Texas, about fifteen minutes outside of Austin, where he was born and raised.

A place he hasn’t as much as set foot in for nine years.

Eddie blinks blearily as he pulls his rental car up to the drive-through at Dunkin for a much needed coffee. He’s within an hour of West River, but he’s going to need something to power through the last hour of his drive as the sun is beginning to rise over the expanse of otherwise deserted small-town Texas that surrounds him.

It’s so quiet out here that it’s almost unnerving.

“Good morning, sir. That’ll be $3.27.” The dark-haired girl at the drive-through window can’t be more than eighteen. 

“Morning.” He holds out his phone so that she can scan his payment.

“Aren’t you…” She trails off slowly, eyeing him suspiciously. 

Eddie adjusts the trucker hat that he’s wearing, despite the fact that the sun hasn’t become a hindrance yet. He’d put the hat on before he pulled up to the drive-through only a couple of minutes ago. He knows that he’d be nowhere without the support of his fans, but he’s exhausted. He just wants to get to his abuela’s so that he can fall into bed. He’s tempted to drag a hand over his face and beg for his coffee.

“Eddie Diaz.” He introduces himself with a winning smile. He’ll try to find time to rest later. “What’s your name, sweetheart?”

“Rosie. I-I can’t believe I’m preparing Eddie Diaz’s coffee. Nobody is going to believe me,” Rosie practically squeals, her face flushed as she fumbles with scanning his phone. “Here, um,” she steps away from the drive-through window momentarily and comes back with a pastry bag along with his coffee. Simple like always: black, with 2 sugars. “For the road. Gone Now really helped me through a hard time, when I lost my grandpa—and you wrote it about yours.”

Eddie’s smile becomes more genuine as he takes the coffee and muffin from the girl. He’s sure he looks like a mess, with blood-shot eyes and bags under his eyes. “I think most people have forgotten about that song. That was on my debut album.” He’d written that song what feels like a lifetime ago.

Like he was a different person back then than he is now. He supposes that in some ways, he was.

“I was only thirteen when it came out,” Rosie says. “I hope you make more songs like that. Your new stuff is great, but… that’s definitely my favorite. Anyhow, I won’t keep you, I’m sure you’ve got somewhere to be.”

“I do,” Eddie confirms, reaching over into the top of his duffel bag that’s resting on the passenger seat. “It was really nice to meet you, Rosie.” He hands her one of the signed albums that he carries with him, a simple thank you that he likes to have for those truly special fans. “It’s not my debut album, but I do hope you’ll enjoy it.”

Eddie offers her a parting wave as he pulls away, and tosses the hat that was his poor attempt at disguise onto the passenger seat. He takes several sips from the steaming coffee, then sets it in the cupholder, wincing as the heat nips at his tongue, hoping that the caffeine will help keep him alert for the rest of the drive home.

Before he pulls onto the road, he scrolls through his phone, pulling up his debut album on Spotify and pressing play, a wistful smile crossing his face. He’s trying to put a little space between him and the reason that he’s coming home to West River; Rosie’s words remind him, at least for a moment, why he started making music in the first place. He hears the familiar opening chords and pulls out onto the quiet road.

There was a time when not a single day

Went by without us talking

And now I can barely remember your face

We’d spend hours weaving words

And guitar notes together

Just you and me in the music’s embrace

But you’re gone now, you’re gone

All those moments lie six-feet deep in the ground

You’re gone now, you’re gone

I keep missing you ‘cause you’re not around

He knows he can’t live in this world of make-believe for long. He can’t pretend that what matters is his connection to the music anymore—he stopped writing his own music long ago. But it’s nice to remember, even if those moments are fleeting.

*

Eddie pulls into the same gravel driveway that he used to skid his bike tires on as a kid. His abuela still lives in the same house she did back then, only a few doors down from his childhood home. His parents moved an hour north about five years ago. Eddie’s stomach flops a bit, and he tries not to dwell on how little he talks to them these days, or their lack of support over the years.

 He drags himself out of the rental car and grabs his bag out of the passenger side, leaving the rest of his luggage in the trunk. Before he can even make his way up the short drive, his abuela steps out onto the porch.

Eddie yawns into the crook of his elbow, then makes his way up to her. “Hey, Abuela,” he murmurs, pecking her on the cheek.

“Eddie,” Abuela says. She welcomes him with a crushing embrace, and he smiles as he hugs her back. She pulls back just enough that he can see a fire in her eyes; he already knows what that means, so he remains silent until she spits it out. “You were supposed to call me back so I knew you were doing alright.”

“I told you I have you listed as my emergency contact. If anything happens to me you’ll be the first one they call,” Eddie teases with a laugh.

“Edmundo,” she scolds, swatting his arm, and he watches as her jaw tenses under his name.

“Okay,” Eddie acquiesces. “I’m sorry, alright? I’ll be more cautious next time and call you. But Houston to West River isn’t a long drive.”

“Shannon—”

“Can we talk about this later?” Eddie asks. “I haven’t slept in over twenty-four hours. I just need a couple of hours and then I promise we’ll talk, okay?”

“But, Eddie—” Despite the fact that he’ll probably be reamed for not turning his full attention to her, Eddie pushes the door open and steps inside. He stops in his tracks as his eyes catch sight of the figure who’s settled at the table, and his duffel bag drops to the floor. He feels abuela’s hand on his shoulder. “This is—”

The pretending is over.

“This is Christopher, your son.”

*

Eddie knew coming back home to West River wasn’t going to be a vacation in any sense of the word. He knew what would be waiting for him; baggage so heavy that it had the ability to destroy his entire career. The dream that he’d risked everything for, that he’d given up everything for.

This is Christopher, your son.

Abuela’s words echo in his ears.

Sure, there had been a few phone calls beforehand, warning Eddie of the kid’s existence after Shannon had shown up at Abuela’s with the boy. That hadn’t prepared him for this moment at all.

What the fuck is he going to do?

The temptation to drop by the hole-in-the-wall bar downtown to take the edge off is there. Instead, he tells Abuela he has to take care of some things and he disappears. He just needs to drive around for a little bit to clear his head. He needs to figure out what he’s going to do.

A kid will ruin everything.

How could Shannon keep this kid to herself for years, not mention a word of his existence, and then just drop him off and leave like he’s somehow now Eddie’s responsibility?

Eddie unrolls the window, letting the evening air hit his face as his foot presses down more firmly on the gas pedal.

Take care of it. You only have a few months until the tour.

Fuck all of this.

These backroads are so familiar, and there’s something comforting in driving down them late at night, when the rest of the town is quiet. It reminds him of those late nights when he and Buck would—

Eddie stops his thoughts short, the ache in his chest just as familiar as these roads. Buck.

What are the chances that in a town of a few thousand people he won’t run into Evan Buckley? That’s even if he still lives here. Eddie shakes the notion from his head, refusing to allow himself to get nostalgic about the past. A past that revolved around Buck.

Right now, he needs to focus on how he’s going to fix his life—before it becomes a public relations disaster.

Pressing down on the gas harder, Eddie gets lost in the feeling of the cool night air hitting his face, saving him from his downward spiral and memories of Buck.

Unfortunately, the moment is short lived. Red and blue lights flash in his rearview mirror amidst the otherwise stark darkness of the night. With a sigh, he pulls over to the shoulder of the road.

*

Buck climbs out of the cruiser and closes the door, walking up to the driver’s side of the out-of-state car. “Do you know why I stopped you tonight?” He quickly scans the inside of the vehicle, assessing if there are any passengers that he needs to be aware of before settling his sight on the driver.

Of all the people he could’ve had the unfortunate task of pulling over tonight, somehow it’s Eddie Diaz. He studies Eddie’s face, tipping his head to the side as his identity registers with Eddie. 

“You’ve got to be kidding me, Buck.”

It’s like he took the words right out of Buck’s mouth, because really, what are the fucking chances? After nine years Eddie somehow still has the ability to make Buck’s heart thunder in his chest merely by saying his name. His jaw tightens as he looks at the country music star in front of him.

“It’s Deputy Buckley,” Buck tells Eddie, his voice tight. “Do you know why I pulled you over?”

“This has to be an actual nightmare,” Eddie mutters, though Buck’s sure at this point that he’s talking to himself.

“License and registration.”

“Evan—”

“I said, license and registration. Don’t make me ask again. I’m going to suggest that you actually listen this time if you don’t want to end up in jail for the night.”

Eddie’s mouth snaps shut at Buck’s words. “I’m gonna grab the registration from the glove compartment.” He opens the glove box and hands over the paperwork, along with his license.

“Yeah, didn’t think you’d want that news story,” Buck mutters as he takes the documents and inspects them. He obviously knows that it’s Eddie, and he already ran the plates and knows that it belongs to a rental in Houston. He hands the paperwork back to Eddie. “Watch your speed, because next time I’m not going to be this nice,” Buck warns.

“This is nice?” Eddie actually has the audacity to laugh at him. “Seems more like you’re Deputy Dick to me.”

Buck’s lips press together into a tight line. He’s used to not being well liked while on the job—but it feels harsher coming from Eddie. “You know, I could still take you in tonight, if that’s what you want.”

Eddie shrinks under the words, and what he says next sounds sincere. “You know that’s not what I want.”

The same words that Eddie had said to him all those years ago, at the end. Buck feels his chest fracture down the middle, a reprise of the heartbreak that Eddie left in his wake.

He forces himself to school his expression despite the way he’s feeling. “Have a good night, Eddie.”

He doesn’t wait for Eddie to respond, turning sharply on his heels and walking away from the man that’s had his heart all along.

*

“You know, I don’t really think that this qualifies as guys’ night,” Buck says as he looks across the card table at Chimney, taking a sip of the lemonade in front of him. 

 Chim raises his brow a little, glancing in the direction of the living room. “You’re my brother-in-law,” Chim says, “and I’m not sure how to say this delicately, so I’m just gonna say it. If there’s one Buckley I’m trying to make happy right now, it’s not you, Buck. I’m trying to get in her good graces after the bottle rocket incident.”

Josh snorts from where he’s sitting, bringing the beer up to his lips.

“I’m not going to be the one to tell my wife that she needs to leave so we can have a proper guys’ night,” Chim adds.

“You would never say something to Maddie, and not just about guys’ night,” Josh challenges, his brows shooting up.

“I’m sorry, was that a complaint I just heard? Because I’m pretty sure that the last time you hosted a card night your mom showed up,” Chim points out.

“And Buck’s place—”

“Has constant interruption. I know, I know.” Buck rolls his eyes dramatically. “Are you gonna deal us in, or what?”

“Mads, were you gonna join us?” Chim calls helpfully into the other room, and Buck glares at him.

Maddie lifts herself off of the couch and walks out to the dining room table where they’re all situated, grabbing the bowl of chips from the counter and pulling up an empty seat. “I don’t want to play, but I’d love to talk to you guys.”

They really need to start finding different circles of friends, at least for nights like tonight. It’s not as if Buck’s going to tell his pregnant sister to go away, so instead he smiles. “We’d love it if you talked to us, Mads.”

“Really?” She grins, and Chim looks at Buck gratefully. “So, I heard a rumor that Eddie’s back in town.”

“Pick a different subject.”

“He’s back in town and got pulled over by West River’s youngest and brightest the other night,” Chim says.

Just the mention of Eddie’s name is an unwanted reminder that he’s back in town, at least temporarily. The fact that this wasn’t a figment of Buck’s imagination sends his brain into overdrive. There’s been some speculation over the reason for his return, and Buck has done everything in his power to stay squarely on the outside of those conversations.

He’s made it clear to his family and friends since Eddie left town that there is one topic that he refuses to discuss: Eddie Diaz. A lot of the locals were around Eddie growing up, and having someone that’s famous from their small hometown is something to talk about—especially when there’s a new tour that’s announced, or when Eddie is working on a new album.

But his friends? They know that it’s a hard and fast rule, and bringing it up on guys’ night is a definite foul. 

“Guys,” Buck manages as evenly as he can muster. “Talk about something else.”

A tense silence falls over the room, and for a minute Buck refuses to look up, knowing the pity that crosses their faces any time that someone brings up Eddie. He’s tried to hide his heartbreak behind indifference, but he’s not naive enough to believe that any of them buy it. Most of them had front-row seats as they watched Buck’s hopes and dreams shatter to the ground around him, leaving a hollow shell behind.

Finally he looks up.

“Can we make an exception this one time, Ev?”

“Maddie. I don’t talk about— about this, and you know that.”

Maddie’s hand covers his, her touch light, her tone equally calm and even. “You know, this has a name.”

“Why are you bringing him up now? You know I moved on from him a long time ago.”

It’s as if Chim and Josh aren’t sitting awkwardly at the table, trying to avoid the line of fire. Even if Maddie is officially a Han now, nobody wants to get obliterated during a battle of the wills between the siblings.

“This is guys’ night,” Buck reminds her. “The one night of the week that I can unwind and relax. Instead you’re here and dredging up a past that died years ago.” He lets out an exasperated sigh. “I was a kid. Just a stupid kid. There’s nothing else to say. We were together and then we weren’t. He has his life now, and I have mine.”

“Maybe that’s true, but you never did move on, not really. He’s in town for who knows how long, so maybe it’d be a good chance for the two of you to talk?”

“No, it wouldn’t. And, uh, thanks for ruining tonight,” Buck mutters as he stands up from the table. This is the kind of interference he’d expect from their out-of-town parents, always assuming they know what’s best, but not from Maddie.

“Buck,” Chim warns, and Buck sighs again, shaking his head in frustration. Chim’s always been protective of Maddie, something that Buck’s always appreciated, especially after all that she endured with Doug, but tonight feels like the exception.

“I’m gonna head home.”

“Buck, you really don’t have to go,” Josh says helplessly.

He attempts a smile for what Josh is trying to do—slapping a bandage on the evening, trying to piece everything back together. Buck shakes his head. “I think it’s for the best if I go.”

Buck says his goodbyes and hops into his Jeep, driving home. He knows that Maddie has the best of intentions, and that she cares about him with her whole heart, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less.

When he arrives home he notices there are only a few lights left on in the house, and that the porch light is on for him. 

“You’re home awful early,” Carla says as soon as he makes his way inside, barely looking up from the little girl that’s propped against her side.

He shrugs a little, not wanting to get into all of the details of how the night quickly spiraled out of control in a way that was just too much for him to handle. “I couldn’t stand the time away from her.”

“Mhm,” Carla says in her knowing way, and Buck’s thankful that she doesn’t say more than that. She knows enough about his past with Eddie, but she’s always stayed out of that part of his life.

Buck toes off his shoes, crossing the room then and scooping Lucy up in his arms. “Hey baby,” he murmurs, placing a kiss on the crown of her head.

“She insisted I read her three stories out here and not in her bed because she was ‘not tired yet, Carla’.”

Buck chuckles at her words, feeling Lucy squirm in his arms before she settles again. She rests her head against his shoulder and he hoists her up higher so that she can curl into him. In a world where everything else is imperfect he’s able to come home and hold a little piece of perfection in his arms. Their lives have been far from easy, and there isn’t a day that Buck doesn’t wish he could be more for her.

He’s doing his best to make up for the huge piece missing from her life—the absence of her mother. Every day she helps him remember that there is more than heartbreak and loss, that sometimes there’s hope, too. He has to hold on to that.

“I’m gonna head out,” Carla says, kissing the back of Lucy’s head and giving Buck a sideways hug before leaving.

Buck walks down the hallway, glancing at Lucy’s bedroom door and then pivoting, walking across the hall to his own room and laying the sleeping girl down on the pillows, covering her with the sheet and comforter. He gets ready for bed and lies on top of the covers beside her. He knows he shouldn’t make a habit out of this and he won’t, but tonight he needs the physical proof.

He hasn’t lost everything, because he still has Lucy.

[path-of-my-childhood]

Collect Call From... TAYLOR SWIFT

Blender Magazine (final, unpublished issue from May 2009) // By Josh Eells

Each month, one lucky rock star phones Blender HQ for seven days straight, just to, you know, share. Now on the line: country-pop princess.

DAY 1: FEBRUARY 24th, 3:51 pm

Swift calls from Nashville, where she lives with her parents and younger brother. “I’m so happy to be home! I’ve been in Europe for two weeks. I got back two nights ago and spent half of yesterday sleeping. This is my only week off for months, but I categorize vacations differently than most people. I don’t care if I’m doing interviews from when I wake up till I go to sleep, as long as l’m in my own bed, that’s a day off.  This morning I went to some of the radio stations in town, said hi to program directors. Then I met with my stylist - we talked about tour outfits. And now I’m getting dressed for my brother Austin’s lacrosse game. He plays goalie - this is his first game as starter. His friends used to tease him about me, but now he's six two and built. I don’t think they make jokes anymore.”

DAY 2: FEBRUARY 25th, 4:14 pm

Swift phones from home, where she’s “lounging on the couch under a quilt” and playing with her dogs, Baby (a Doberman) and Bug (a mini Pinscher). “Austin did great! His team won, and he kept a bunch of balls out of the goal. Afterwards I went with my friend Emily to a Nashville Predators game. I did a commercial for them, so they hook me up with tickets when I’m in town. There’s a couple of cute guys, but I think they’re all married. I totally cheer and do the fang-finger thing. Last night they put me on the JumboTron, and you could literally see the wave of people getting up to come over. I’m still getting used to the fact that being stared at is part of my day - in high school it meant I had something on my face. The fact that my albums has been No. 1 for 10 weeks - it’s unbelievable. But this week looks a little questionable: The Jonas Brothers have an album out, too. Hmm.”

DAY 3: FEBRUARY 26th, 5:30 pm

Swift dials in from the road In Nashville, where she’s stuck In rush-hour traffic. "I just shot a video with my friend Kellie [Pickier] for a song we wrote together. It’s about ex-boyfriends. In the video I am kind of her trouble-making sidekick - I wore this strapless studded dress with a zipper up the front. The whole day I was afraid someone was gonna walk by and unzip me. It would have taken half a second to ruin my day. Oh, my God, last night I fell asleep on the couch watching CSI: NY. I was out at like 7, but at some point I dragged myself to bed, and apparently in my haze I turned the heat up to 95! I woke up in the middle of the night drenched in sweat, with my poor cat lying on the floor panting. I made myself an ice bath and called my friend Emma in LA - she was in Superbad - and she kept me company for two hours while I cooled down.”

DAY 4: FEBRUARY 27th, 4:37 pm

Swift rings from the music room at her house, where she’s teaching herself how to play piano. “I’m still not caught up from my jet lag. Today I woke up at 5:30, ate same cereal and fell back asleep on the couch. I didn’t sleep long though, because we had rehearsal this morning. Kenny Chesney was rehearsing next door, so we chatted for a bit. Nashville is a really small town. I still live with my parents because I’m never home long enough to move out. And I don’t go to bars, because I’m 19 and scared of breaking rules. Besides Kellie and my best friend Abigail, who moved to Kansas, most of my friends are in LA. And boys aren’t even an issue right now. I categorize guys as “talking”, “nominees” - people you feel like you could someday date - and “dating”. Right now I don’t even have nominees. I don’t even have potential future nominees! But I’m used to being single. Before my last relationship [with Joe Jonas] I was single for like two years. It’s sort of my thing.”

DAY 5: FEBRUARY 28th, 12:50 pm

Swift checks in from her mom’s car with some medical news. “So, I’m driving to the doctors office. I burned my face with a curling iron! Don’t worry, I’m fine - I’ll call you after we’re done. [She phones a few hours later.] OK. What happened was, I woke up at 6 am and decided to curl my hair. I guess l was still asleep, because I slipped and burned my face under my right eye. It hurt really bad, but I didn’t think much of it. I edited and uploaded a MySpace video - unhindered by the fact that my face was melting off - and went downstairs, and my dad was like, ‘Oh, my God!’ I guess it was worse than I realized. So we went to the dermatologist. She gave me a prescription for some burn cream - I’m not sure what it is, but it has a lot of syllables. The good news is I’m expected to make a full recovery.”

DAY 6: MARCH 1st, 10:03 pm

Swift phones from Plant City, Florida, where she lust performed at the world famous Florida Strawberry Festival. “This place is strawberry city! When we landed, there were official Strawberry Festival minivans waiting to pick us up, driven by people in strawberry shirts. In the dressing room there were bushels of the most beautiful, gigantic chocolate covered strawberries I’ve ever seen. It’s like they welded three together! And this afternoon I met the Strawberry Festival Queen and her court. They were dressed in red and looked very sparkly. It was cold for Florida, like 55 and rainy, but everybody bundled up and had a great time. Afterward we had a police escort, which always makes you feel cool, and we’re taking a private jet, which is even cooler. On the way to the airport all these kids were trying to hurl themselves on our car - it was pretty frantic for a second. But thankfully no one got hurt. That’s why it was cool.”

DAY 7: MARCH 2nd, 12:50 pm

On her last day at home, Swift calls from her favorite couch, where she’s enjoying the view of Old Hickory Lake. “It’s freezing in Tennessee! It’s like 29 degrees, and I’m sitting here packing sundresses and flip-flops for two weeks in Australia. That and downloading movies for the 20,000-hour flight I’m about to embark on. I have three goals for this trip. One, get a tan. Two, go to the beach. And three, debut my new summer wardrobe. Oh, and four, play some good shows and make an impact on Australia! Ha. I don’t go into most situations thinking I’m going to win. I’ve never even won a raffle. These blessings I’ve had lately are more amazing than I could have ever imagined. We got the new projections today, and It’s looking like we’re going to be No.1 again. Does it feel a little sweeter this week? [Laughs] Yeah - just a little.”

[jawritter]

You and Me..

Chapter 2

***SERIES WARNINGS**** Rape, non-con, male!rape, injury, violence, description of injury caused by rape, nightmares, self-harm, panic attacks, implied female non-con, language, ass hole Jensen, hurt!Jensen, dark fic, smut. If there is anything else I will add it as I go.

***Chapter Warnings*** This chapter is pretty light. Mentions of death of characters parents, Jensen is a little bit of an ass, language, that’s pretty much it. 

Word Count: 2057

Pairing: Jensen Ackles X Reader, Jared x reader, OFC Steve x Reader, OFC Justin x Reader.

A/N: When I originally wrote this chapter I didn’t even know who Steve Carlson was, so the Steve in this story isn’t him lol. Oddly enough I wrote this before I even really knew he was making an album lol. Anyway, all mistakes are mine, please don’t copy my work, Feedback is golden. If you want to be added to the series tag list, or my tag list just let me know! I hope you enjoy this one. After this chapter things tend to start to pick up a little.

Summary: It’s funny how one choice you made can change your whole life. One mistake can alter your course, and set you on a path that forever will haunt you. Two people find themselves getting through one of the hardest trials of Jensen’s life, on just one small promise. You and Me. We’ll get through it together…

Want more? Check out my Masterlist!!

***MASTERLIST***

***YOU AND ME MASTERLIST***

You woke up, much like you do every morning, with the alarm clock going off obnoxiously on your bedside table.  Mornings were never your thing, but the bills weren't going to pay themselves. You rub your face hard, trying to force your eyes to focus, and your body to stay awake even though it was putting up one hell of a fight. It wants sleep, and you so desperately want to give it just that.

Finally, after about 15 minutes you roll yourself over and stand up next to the bed, looking around your messy room. You had just moved back to Austin not all that long ago. You had always lived in Texas in one place or another, but just one family vacation to Austin when you were a teenager and you were in love with the city. So as soon as you graduated high school you wasted no time in putting your application in for the University of Texas.

Much to your surprise, and a few others, you were accepted. You had wanted to major in either writing or music. Everything went great for about the first semester. Your grades were good. You worked nights at a local bar, much like a lot of your classmates,  and spent your days in classes. You had new made friends, and you were finally starting to get your foothold in life. Well, that's what you thought anyway.

At the end of your first semester of college, your mother was diagnosed with stage 4 liver cancer. When your family called you moved back to your home town, dropping everything to be with your family. Your mother and you were very close. There was no way you were going to stay away while she fights this demon that they call cancer.

It was a long fight. Over and over again she defied the odds of the doctors and everyone around her. Still, after a long five-year battle she lost her fight with the disease. Once the funeral was over you knew it was way too late to go back to college. You had taken some online courses though, and gotten your degree in creative writing while you were at home taking care of your mother.

You and your father had never really gotten along, so staying home wasn't going to be an option. With all that in mind, you did the only thing you knew to do. You made the move back to Austin in the same month as your mother's funeral. Your father had over the years fallen into alcoholism. He'd always fought it, but after your mother's death, it only got the best of him. You weren’t going to stick around and watch him destroy himself.

Last year he straightened out a curve on the way home. He never survived the crash. Your brother had him cremated. He didn't even bother calling you, and telling you till it was all over. Your brother wasn't happy about you leaving home. He blamed you for your dad's struggle with the bottle after mom died, but that wasn't your fault. You didn't put a funnel in his mouth and make him drink. No one twisted his arm. He did it all on his own.

For the past three years, you had been renting an apartment in downtown Austin. It was a small, just a studio apartment, but it was all you needed. You had also landed a job at a small recording stupid in Austin. Even though you loved writing, and still did it on the side, you hadn't gotten your break yet. Music was your passion. It was what got you up in the morning, and helped you make it through the day. It was your therapy. Your outlet. Your escape from this shit existence that was your life.

You had slowly worked your way up In the studio. Starting with getting coffee, and cleaning behind the artist that came in to record. It didn't take long for Steve, your boss, to see that you had a good ear for music. He put you helping in the recording booth not long after you started.

Today you were informed that there would be a new local artist coming in to start his recording process and you were put on his beat. They didn't tell you his name, but they did say that you would probably recognize him. Even though he was local, he was famous, but they didn’t tell you who he was in order to keep rumors down the only one who knew who was coming was Steve. They made you swear not to tell anyone that he was recording, telling you that he wanted it to stay a secret until the album was done. That's why he chose a local recording studio instead of some big one in California.

As you walked to the studio this morning your nerves were vibrating. Justin, another sound tech that would be working with you today, greeted you at the door.

"You ready Y/N?" he asked, greeting you with a smile over his shoulder.

"Ready as I'll ever be," you tell him, putting your purse under the counter in the lockbox you all used and turning your phone on silent. No outside noises were ever allowed in the studio.

"Well I hate to put more on us than we already got, but there are two things you need to know before the artist gets here today. First, Jennifer, the girl that normally does the coffee, drinks, and whatever else the artist needs isn't going to be here today, her son has strep. Second, Steve will also be sitting in on today's session," he said, looking at you apologetically. 

You hated working with Steve. He was such a jerk when it came to recording time. He wanted everything done too quickly. Always in a rush to make a deadline instead of taking his time, and getting the best recording.

Jennifer being gone, and two other guys in the sound room with you means that you will most likely be stuck on snake detail for this artist, and whatever bunch of groupies he's bringing with him all day.

"Lovely,” you said with a sarcastic eye roll. Justin continued to look at you apologetically.  

“It's cool, let's just get this started. I'll get the recording room ready. How many are in his party today?" you asked, waiting for the answer that you dreaded the most.

"Only one other guy will be coming with him today from what I understand. Today is gonna be a lot of met and discuss. From what I understand there will be a guest singing on this album too. So it's probably a good thing Steve's gonna be here. If this guy is a prick then Steve can handle him." 

Justin's attitude toward the whole situation cracked you up. Apparently, he was just as excited about this as you were.

You walk into the recording room and begin to sit out beers, whiskey, water, and even start the coffee pot going in the break room. You walk back in the recording room and start sitting out shot glasses and other things when you heard voices coming your way. You look up in time to meet a pair of deep emerald green eyes staring back at you.

Your breath catches in your throat as you look around the room at all the men.

"I'm the only chick, great," you think to yourself, but there was something about the smirk on the man's face standing in front of you with the emerald green eyes that made your stomach do flips with a feeling you've never felt before.

He smiled at you and It nearly knocked you off your feet. Damn, this guy is gorgeous. That's when Steve decided to speak up.

"Y/N, this is Mr. Jensen Ackles, and his friend, Jared. Mr. Ackles has graciously chosen our stupid to record his debut album," Steve says, moving to stand beside Jensen.

You try to keep your jaw from hitting the floor as you take in the two actors standing in front of you. You had been a fan of Supernatural for years.

You nod at the two men. "It's nice to meet," you say, and they both smile back at you. Neither spoke, which you found odd. When you watched the con videos online they seemed so friendly.

"The room is ready, Steve," you tell your boss, then quickly as you can scamper into the sound room with Justin to wait for them to get started. 

You didn't really need to know what all they were doing. You just needed to make sure that whatever they were doing sounded good on tape.

"You alright Y/N?" Justin asks as you sit down in the chair with a huff.

"Yeah, That's Jensen freaking Ackles. I'm going to be working with Jensen freaking Ackles," you say in a state of shock.

"Easy girl, you know celebrities don't like to be fangirled all over," Justin says with a chuckle as he fires up the equipment and computers.

"I'm a professional Justin. I'm not going to fangirl all over anyone," you tell him with an eye roll. 

You watch as the men stand there and talk, pointing to different things. Steve getting Jensen ready to get started.

After a few hours of recording, and some drinks later Jensen, as well as Steve and Jared, had loosened up a little. Jared was in the sound room with you guys watching his best friend work. He was easy to talk to. During a break in recording while you were downloading the song he just recorded into the computer, Jared had been showing you pictures of his kids. He'd been cracking you all up with stories for the past hour.

"See this is Tom, trying to prank his little brother with a whip cream pie," he said, leaning over to you, showing you the video. That's when the two of you heard Jensen’s deep voice boom over the monitors.

"Hey, Steve, tell your girl in there to stop flirting with a married man, and go bring me some fucking coffee."

The whole room turned to look at you. Jensen was still sitting in the recording room with a guitar in his lap, giving you a cold stare through the thick glass. The comment stung. You weren't his damn maid, and you weren't flirting with a married man. Steve gave you an apologetic look. You knew you had to play along. Jensen was paying them a lot of money. So if he wanted you to shine his shoes while he sang you had to do it.

"Right away Mr. Ackles," Steve said, giving you a look that screamed, “I'm sorry.” 

Jared was giving his friend a death glare that Jensen didn’t seem to notice, or at least didn’t care.

"I'm sorry Y/N, he's just been a little on edge lately. That's not normally Jensen," Jared apologizing for his friend as you stand to go get his coffee for him.

"It's fine," was all you can say. 

In truth though, you felt like he'd just ripped your heart out and stomped on it. Not to mention humiliated you in front of your boss and coworker.  You fought back tears as you poured his coffee and entered the recording room.

You handed him his coffee, not even looking at him. He snatched it out of your hand, not even looking at you or saying thank you. You thought you had a crush on this guy. Turns out he's an ass hole like every other celebrity and artist you'd ever meet. Just another cocky dick that thought his shit didn’t stink.

Watching him on Supernatural and Smallville had gotten you through some really hard times in your life. You would have never thought he’d have done anything like he just did to you. You always pictured him as such a nice, genuine guy. Man, were you ever wrong.

You made your way from the recording room to the front where you kept your purse under the counter and shot Steve a text that said you weren’t feeling good, and you had to go home. Which wasn’t totally a lie, because your heart was broken, and you couldn’t stop the wave of tears that were streaming down your face.

You didn’t know why that one man’s opinion had hurt so much. You didn’t know him, and he didn’t know you, but as you fell back through the doors of the apartment you felt like your heart was shattered into a thousand pieces.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tag List:

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You and Me Tag List:

@idksupernatural​ 

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@supernatural-bellawinchester​ 

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@vicmc624​

[sleepywinchester]

Behind The Story S2 - Pt 29

Summary: Another shooting season is ending, after being apart for what it seemed like years, you are meeting Jensen in Vancouver. 

Author: sleepywinchester (prev. deanwinchester-af)

Characters: Jensen, Reader, Jared, Gen and Cast Cameos.

Pairings: Single!Jensen x Actress!Reader (Nina Dobrev = Faceclaim)

Words: 1.5k

Beta: N/A

Warnings: implied smut :)

Visual:  n/a

Disclaimer: NO HATE TOWARDS DANNEEL!

We wuv her in this acc but this is just for science lol

Author’s Note: Hola everybody! I hope everyone is staying safe in their homes and that your families and elderly ones are safe as well. For my fellow essential workers, hang in there! I know its hard to be working through this difficult times but this shall be over soon. Hope this chapter entertains you guys :’) I am going to be honest, the last chapters of BTS is just a bunch of behind the story details and more about them and how are they living their life. Not drama, not really a plot, just experiences. I didn’t want to add a whole crazy plot as  I am finishing this story. Either way, I hope you guys still like it. I wanna know all the feelings. As always;  hope you guys like this one ♥

>>> side note: these are the last chapters ever i am not adding anyone to the tag list.

Title: 

MASTERLIST

It has been a couple of months since the last time you were in an airplane. Before taking a break from being a full-time actress, you practically lived inside of one. Since you became a full-time stay at home mom, it was very rare for you to be inside of one of these steel birds. You found flying oddly satisfying and peaceful, which is otherwise for most people. It has been three weeks since you saw Jensen and you could not wait a single day more without being in his arms. The entire long-distance relationship was harder than usual. The wait was going to be over soon, soon as thirty more minutes you were going to see your husband and you could not be happier. 

You and Jensen have been planning a “baecation” for months and the date was finally here. JJ was home in Austin with your mother and father who practically moved to your house to take care of her. It was bittersweet to leave her in the states but the trip wasn’t really toddler-friendly. Instead, you had committed to planning a second vacation, a family one, before the summer ended. 

Your thoughts were up in the clouds when a ‘bop’ noise caught your attention.

Jensen: “Can’t wait to be in Africa with you.” 

A smile formed on your face at the message from Jensen. 

“I can’t wait to be in our hotel tub with you ;)’ You replied feeling slightly flirtatious. 

“Do not  start with your frisky texts when you’re hundreds of miles above the ground…. Too far from me to do anything about it.”

That message made you chuckle and caught the attention of the elderly lady next to you. Shaking your head, you leaned more against the window and continued to text your husband. 

“Why not? If you think about it, I am just building the mood...” 

You glanced at the three dots for a couple of seconds before receiving a reply. 

“Yes, but we won’t be alone until later today…” 

You bit your lower lip, “Then I’ll just have to make up for the time lost.”

“You’re something else…” He replied.

“And you love me for that,” you smiled after sending send.

You looked at the three dots transform into a new text from him.

 “I do. Gotta go back to shooting. To. Be. Continued…” Jensen sent.

In that moment something came up to your mind, a marvelous and sexy idea. You haven’t done this in months, but it wasn’t surely your first time trying it. Standing up from your seat and giving the elderly lady an apologetic smile, you went into the plane’s bathroom. 

You were wearing a buttoned white top, looking at your reflection in the tiny mirror your smirked. This was going to be the start of a romantic vacation. After undoing most of the buttons of your top, you adjusted your breast in a provocative way. You were wearing your hair down and to the side, adding a little bit of spice by running your fingers through your hair and making it a messy look. Grabbing your phone, you opened the camera app and snapped a couple of provocative pictures of yourself. 

Opening Jensen’s conversation, you inserted the pictures and wrote. “Gosh, I reaaaaally can't wait to see you.” And after that the very provocative photo was sent to your husband. 

You fixed yourself into a more presentable matter and turned your hair into a bun. Walking back you smirked as you found your seat and leaned against the window. Doing that felt like you had some sort of dirty secret. The smirk on your face grew wider when you heard your phone beep. 

“You will be the death of me woman.” Jensen replied.

“I am just trying to show how much I miss you,” you replied.

After that reply you let your husband go to work and you took a power nap because you were sure there was no way you were going to have any sleep tonight. 

/ / / 

“Hey Cliff!” you greeted with enthusiasm as you got into the black SUV. 

Cliff was picking you up at the airport since Jensen was still shooting on set. It has been a while since he drove you anywhere and you were very happy to be in his presence. He smiled and continued to put your suitcases in the trunk. 

“How was the flight?” Cliff asked.

You pouted for a second then bit your lower lip as you glance outside the window. It took you a couple seconds to figure out a way to explain the previous semi-frisky event. 

“It was… good,” you curved the corners of your lips. 

He shot a glance through the rear mirror and smirked. “That’s good, my last flight was full of turbulence,” he said.

“I am so happy that wasn’t the case for mine,” you replied. 

“How’s JJ?” 

You instantly smiled, “She’s good and very happy with my overly consenting parents. I am telling you those two give her enough candy to crawl a twenty story building.”

Cliff laughed at your comment, “That’s what grandparents are for.”

You chuckled, “Agreed.”

At that moment your mother called you via Facetime. Picking the call the first face you see is your daughter’s face covered in chocolate. 

“See? Told you she would be eating some candy by now,” you say as you looked at the screen. “Hey baby! How are you?”

“Good,” she replied with her small cheeks stuffed with candy. “Candy!!” She showed the chocolate bar. 

“I see,” you said with a smile, “grandma giving you all the candy you want?”

JJ nodded her head and passed the phone to your mom.

“Mom,” you said, “she won’t let you guys sleep tonight.” 

Your mom shrugged with no care in the world, “I don’t care - I will stay up until tomorrow for her.”

“You say that now,” you said with a smirk. “She looks too cute.”

JJ was sitting on top of your mom’s lap, bouncing with happiness as she ate her piece of candy. 

“She is the cutest,” your mom kissed the top of her blonde head. 

Tonight was the last night of Jensen shooting for season fourteen. It wasn’t the last season but you surely felt like the time was coming. The feeling was very bittersweet. This show was the beginning of so many good things for you and your family and it ending was a very sad thing to think about.

A smile formed on your lips when you saw that Cliff was approaching the familiar white gates. 

“We’re here,” he said - greeting the guards with a head gesture. 

You smiled at them, glancing at the familiar faces and trailers laying around. Cliff drove directly to the one trailer you have been dying to be since this morning. When he finally parked you quickly hopped off the SUV. He followed you and got your bags off the trunk. 

At that moment Jensen was walking out of his trailer with the biggest smile on his face. 

“Babe!” You shouted, running towards him. 

The people around you might think that you guys were overacting a little, you two were married and there was no way you two could still be this excited to see each other. They all were wrong, you and Jensen still got excited to see each other after all these years. Yes, some days will be normal days and not like big scenes that looked like they were brought out a Hallmark movie but when you build the anticipation of seeing the person you love, most of your reunions look like a scene from a romantic movie. And it surely felt like it. 

You jumped to his arms, wrapping your arms around his neck as he wrapped his around your body. Kissing Jensen’s lips felt like home. 

“I’ve,” you began to talk between kisses, “missed - you - so - much.” 

Jensen let out a laugh, kissing you one more time as he hold you tightly. “Missed you too, babe.” 

“I guess my job is done,” Cliff stood by the SUV.  “Am I driving you guys home or you driving?” He looked at Jensen.

“I actually have to stay one more night here, we got a delay and we have to do a night shoot,” Jensen looked at you. “Sorry babe.” 

You shrugged, “It’s alright. I can stay with you in the trailer and we can leave for the airport from here tomorrow.”

“Are you sure, Y/N?” Cliff asked. “I can take you to the apartment - I don’t mind.”

“It’s okay, Cliff,” you said. “I’ll stay.”

He nodded, “Alright. I’ll pick you guys tomorrow for the airport.” 

Jensen nodded, “Thanks, man. See ya.”

Cliff turned and got into the SUV. You looked at Jensen in the eyes, they were dark and mysterious but his smirk gave you an idea of what he was thinking. 

“So…” you pulled him closer and kissed his lips. “At what time you have to shoot?” 

Jensen looked at his watch, “11pm.”

“Oh - we got time,” you said walking into the trailer. 

/ / /

“Jesus Christ,” you gasped for air, “that was-” 

“So fucking good,” Jensen let out, also catching his breath. 

You looked at his eyes, leaning forward and kissing his lips. Both enjoying the bliss of the moment. He caressed your lower back softly as you looked at his chest slowly going up and down. 

“I’ve missed you so much, Jensen,” you said. 

He grinned, giving you another soft kiss, “Me too, babe.” 

Suddenly someone was banging at the door of Jensen’s trailer. You let out a soft groan as you turned and got off the bed, then continued into the bathroom. 

Jensen stood up from the bed, sliding into some sweatpants that were near his bed. The door was still getting banged up.

“If its Jared, I’m fucking killing him,” you shouted from the bathroom.

“Not before I do,” Jensen said before opening the door. 

It was Jared indeed. 

“Dude?” Jensen furrowed his eyebrows. 

Jared looked at him confused, “Why you’re not dressed? We need to go like ASAP.”

“What time is it?” Jensen asked oblivious.

“Freaking 10:30!” Jared shouted and walked into the trailer. 

“Dude-,” Jensen began to talk but you walked out of the bathroom wearing a robe. 

“Surprise!” You smiled to Jared.

Jared looked at you with wide eyes before turning to Jensen. “You guys were fucking.” 

“Yes we were,” you said proudly walking to the fridge, “ and you just interrupted us.”

Jared looked at you and laughed as you grabbed water from the fridge. You and him talked briefly about the trip to Africa as Jensen quickly got a shower and got dressed. In the beginning it was supposed to be a couples retreat but Gen was too far in her pregnancy to travel. 

“I’m ready,” Jensen walked out, holding your lower back. “See you in the morning?” 

“Mhm,” you kissed his lips. “I’ll finish your packing.” 

“Thanks,” he said before walking out.

@flawsweirdo @sis-tafics​​​​​ @torn-and-frayed​​​​​​ @blacktithe7​​​​​​ @ruined-by-destiel​​​​​ @kazchester-fanfiction​​​​ @xtina2191​​​​​ @padackles2010 @adriellej​​​ @chickenmcsade​​​​​ @nokillzforu @faith-in-dean​​​​​​ @thing-you-do-with-that-thing​​​​​​@supernaturalyobessed​​​@feelmyroarrrr@latinenglishfandomblog @fandommaniacx​​​​​​ @purgatoan @capsofwinchesters​​​​​  @deansbaekaz2y5 @danijimenezv​​​​​​ @jayankles​​​​​​  @fuckingpisces​​​​​ @mskitty416​​​​​  @starswirlblitz​​​​​ @sam-w​​​ @doro7winchester​​​​ @silver-and-green​​​​​  @sydneymarie101195​​​​​ @smoothdogsgirl​​​​​   @ivvitm1109​​​​​ @hobby27​​​​​​ @typicalweirdbookworm​​​​​​  @thisismysecrethappyplace​

[dragonpiango]

My review of 2019

January:

So I recently graduated from community college in the previous December, and I started university at HT with a scholarship for piano performance. Honestly I thought going to a HBCU was going to be weird, but turns out I’m not much of an outcast. It was a nice transition to a new setting and new people and a breath of fresh air! It was amazing having a practice room to myself and the mental thought of “getting to know my music” became a reality although my first piano lesson with my new professor was strange. His impression of me was way different than what I thought. Although he is a outstanding teacher, he might have overthought what I was capable of.... him assigning me my pieces and they consisted of Bach French suite No. 5 in G Major, Mozart sonata K.332 in F Major, Chopin Nocturne in D-flat Major, Chopin Scherzo No.2 in b-flat minor, and the most memorable piece IMHO Ravel’s Une Barque Sur L’Ocean from Miroirs.

February:

So still settling into a new university and meeting new people (although I just stayed in the music building bc that’s where all my classes were) it was Black History Month. Being apart of the choir at school and the only ensemble they offered, we were pretty busy with a lot of performances BUT it was enlightening too. Everyone has been so welcoming and coming from a background in classical music I’ve been introduced to Gospel music not only for voice, but piano. From accompanying spirituals to gospel it really has opened my eyes that music doesn’t have to be so strict. It is a way of expressing emotions and from then on I took my repertoire more seriously in the sense each piece had its own “character.”

March:

This month is a crucial one, not only did I find my “clique” at school, but they only consisted of two people. Ant and KayP. Not going to use their names but these two were the only two that understood who I was and I understood who they were. We might have drifted a little bit since one has graduated but in the mean time, during these few months, have been my shoulder to cry on. They were very talented vocalist who taught me a lot in the sense of accompanying and vice versa. Since our school is small, our “accompanist” was my piano teacher, so every rehearsal was around his schedule, until I came into the picture. They really pushed me to get out of my comfort zone and really get me to where I need to be. During this time, I was still working retail and I have a true appreciation for those who commit full time to retail because lemme tell y’all. That shit is a lot of work. Especially around holidays. Balancing out school and work was a struggle, but I managed through especially when I don’t have a piano at home. I have to go to school to practice and with retail, all my extra time would be working.

April:

By this time, everyone is stressing because of finals, but luckily since I grabbed an associates degree from COmmunity college, I didn’t have to take my core classes and cry. Music classes were all my focuses were on especially performance. I had a few performances in between for our seminar where we perform in front of all the music students, and for me, being a pianist, I didn’t have to rely on my teacher for rehearsals and accompanying. I just focused on me and this got me ready for our benefit concert that I was honored to be a part of. KayP being the current Miss HBCU and queen of the school, decided to raise money for students of troubled pasts who have really turned their lives around in college and made a great GPA would be rewarded with scholarship money that we raised. I was the one who got to close the whole show out and it truly was an amazing experience. Being able to perform for a great cause is always heart warming and I will cherish that moment forever.

May:

So the semester comes to an end and I have juries (where we perform our pieces in front of the faculty and get graded ) what I did not know is that since our school is so small, they invite and pay other professors from the biggest university next to us UT Austin and have them come sit and grade us as well. That to me was a shock moment, because coming from a university in a small town before we had enough people and knew everyone. Community college DIDNT have juries for piano which was odd, but this was a perfect opportunity to really put my hard work into good use. After juries, I did splendid with a few mistakes that I was able to recover from, and lemme tell y’all. No performance is perfect. And I have accepted that. My piano teacher hooked me up with one of his good friends who owns and directs her own music school and I became a piano teacher there. Oddly, I’m the youngest teacher there with no doctoral degree and am working on a BA still..... but none the less, this transition really opened my eyes.

June:

School is finally out, and I reduced my retail job to just Saturday. I finally got my reputation as a teacher at my new job and gained students rather quickly to where I was almost booked up Monday through Friday. With little to no teaching experience it was a trial and error process. I was taking over a studio of a former teacher who had visa issues. So all his students were a tad skeptical with me more so their parents. But after observing lessons and learning their names it was only a matter of time that I was teaching them and really became someone they look up to. It started off rocky because I wasn’t used to a build your own schedule, from what I’ve experienced with teaching at a music school is that someone does the schedule for you. Not in this case, so having to communicate and try to accommodate every students schedule was a tough start, but once I got used to it, the ride was easy from there. Unfortunately, most students were gone on vacation so I had to work with only a few who stayed in town and accommodate those who were in town for that week. That aside, my communication improved after constantly talking with parents 24/7.

July:

This is where life gets exciting. My boyfriend had surprised me with tickets to go to Chicago. I would go back because the city is amazing and food is delicious and it’s easy to get around in Chicago. It was a nice break from work and really helped me bond with my partner. During this time we had two cats. One names Roger and the other Gladys. So a little back story, when I moved in with my partner, his cats basically adopted me. Gladys was a daddy’s girl and kept to Todd mostly but she was very seeet with me and made adorable monkey noises when you picked her up and cuddled with her. She was diagnosed with cancer and the year before that we made the decision to remove her tumor and hope that she would live a healthy life. Well this is where the tumor came back full force and in Chicago, I was a wreck because I felt bad enjoying my time away and leaving her at home. My partner (who is the mature one in our relationship) had a sit down with me about what to do with her and I lost it. He didn’t want to put her down either, but it was for the best. We agreed to keep her comfortable until we knew it was time. Before the month ends tho, we are back home and my sisters boyfriend sends me a text saying he is serious about her and wants to marry her. The retail I work for is a jewelry store and he had asked me to help pick out a diamond for my sister since he knew what she wanted. So this was the good news. We find the diamond, and have it set in her favorite setting and my boyfriend who is full of surprises gets me a ticket to visit her in LA.

August:

So my birthday month is here, and I fly out to LA to deliver the ring to my now sisters fiancé and they fly out to Italy and he does the deed and she says yes. Happy note. But as school starts back up for the new semester, my partner had a issue to where he would be in a state to where he couldn’t move much due to a unusual circumstance. And before that we decided to put Gladys down. It was a tough decision but we gave her the best life we could ever had hoped for her and I was emotionally drained from everything. Having to keep a positive attitude for my students and going to school and being an adult in general. The only way I got thru this period is from my best friend and coworker who knows what it’s like to go through life and it’s always better to have an open mind and ear to talk to. I call her my mamma because she’s like a mother figure to me but also a amazing friend. Without her, I probably wouldn’t have been mentally there at all for anyone. In the time of summer until now I haven’t had a chance to practice because I forgot to mention that i had a Jr recital coming up which is why my repertoire was so big.

September:

After everything passed and I’m in a better mental state, I proceed to my schedule of school and work and find a time to practice in between. What’s great about this month is that since the semester just started, I had plenty of time to catch up on my practice and really get my lessons to become productive in shaping and understanding different musical styles. My partner is all better and life is great because I was in the best part of my life. Doing well in school, amazing texting job, and a best friend who is there for me and most importantly my partner. He’s been my rock since we first met and I can always rely on him and vice versa. He understood that with my free day off that I needed to spend it practicing and told me to go for it and be as productive as I can. I honestly wasn’t used to that kind of support but I am grateful.

October:

This is where reality hits and my recital is next month. I get very crazy about everything. I had all my music learned but because of my indecisiveness, I kept changing how I shaped everything and my mind goes blank. Probably a dark time for me because I didn’t know how to handle this kind of stress. I’ve put on hour long recitals before and the only thing different this time is that I’m getting graded and want to make such a great impression to further my education to a dictator degree. The dress was eating me alive and on top of that, one of my students decided he wants to enter in a competition and I say why not. Let’s do it. Getting him ready for that and keeping my sanity was hard to do but I managed. He did well, but not well enough to get a medal but his parents were very impressed with how quickly he progressed with me. That’s always a plus, right?

November:

The month has come for me to have my big recital and I invited all my friends and coworkers and they all made it. I was truly nervous but if you don’t get nervous, are you even human? It turned out wonderful although the first piece (Bach French suite) was shaky, I had to tell my self that I was having fun and everyone here is here to support me and want me to do well. That little talk was a confidence booster and ended the recital flawlessly. After my recital, my job has their student recitals so my focus was all on my students doing the best they can and having fun. This month was fun because I was selected to do masterclasses for piano students through out my job and it was very enlightening to see how talented the new generation of musicians are! Only positive comments because I couldn’t honestly find anything wrong with any of the students performances and their teachers are amazing.

December:

So getting all my students ready for their recital was a big time investment but totally worth it because they all performed so well and I honestly cried bc I felt like a proud parent LOL. But after that was time for the semester to end up and one class was making me go crazy. Everything ended well and I had ALL A’s and one B but I know what to expect for next semester and everything will be great. Honestly this year has me all sorts of fucked up with emotions and I proved to myself that when I stay committed, I can really achieve what I want. This year was a great year for me and a way to end a decade because when 2020 starts, I know what I need to do and where I need to be.

[audvidis]

Goodbye Professional Overwatch: A Journey Ended

Hey all, I will no longer be continuing my journey in professional Overwatch. This announcement is probably a surprise for many of you. Because of this, I wanted to write something to avoid any misunderstandings, clarify my situation, and communicate my plans for the future. Hopefully this means this is also the last twitlonger I have to write because writing is not my strong suit, so please bear with me. To start, I will clear up any possible misconceptions. Yes, I signed with the Chengdu Hunters for season 2 of the Overwatch League. Yes, I moved to China in order to train with the team. No, I am not leaving while blindsiding the rest of the team. I had a talk with management about my situation and they were incredibly understanding. I have also told all my teammates personally well in advance of this announcement. Yes, I have already signed the termination and mutual release agreement regarding my Overwatch League contract. This decision has definitely been the most difficult one I’ve had to make in the 19 years I’ve been alive. The only thing on my mind the entire past year has been how to better myself as a player within Overwatch League, so this sudden shift has definitely left me with some degree of emotional confusion. There are a multitude of reasons that led me to this decision. First and foremost, I simply do not enjoy professional Overwatch as much as I did in the past. If you were to ask me one year ago how I felt about practicing Overwatch 14 hours a day, I would have gladly accepted the challenge and opportunity. Now, I can feel my mental levels draining extremely quickly while practicing, and I’m afraid I have reached levels of complete burnout for the game. Secondly, the disparity in cultural differences between western esports organizations and Chinese esports organizations were far greater than I had originally anticipated. The differing standards for work hours, privacy, living conditions, off-days, and work ethic were all extremely difficult for me to adjust to. The head coach also requires the team to communicate in 100% Chinese so it took a significantly higher amount of mental energy for me to translate everything in my head into English to understand and communicate. This applied not only to in-game practices, but also to vod reviews of our scrims. (To be honest, communicating in Mandarin was definitely the lesser of my problems. My Chinese reading and writing are definitely lackluster but my hearing and speaking improved strikingly quickly. After studying and memorizing a lot of in-game Overwatch terminology, I am now able to communicate and understand Chinese quite well in-game, at the very least definitely to a level that makes the game not insanely more difficult to play than with English communication.) I’m sure with more time I would have adjusted to these conditions; however, coupled with my burnout and lack of enjoyment for professional Overwatch only further led me to feeling absolutely and completely overwhelmed. After careful consideration of all these factors, I concluded that the best course of action for both me and the team would be for me to withdraw from competing. Personally, I felt it would not be healthy for my mental health to scrim and heavily practice for at least another 10 months. I have simply lost the passion and motivation that I used to have for competing in Overwatch. For my team, it would be unfair for them to play with someone who wasn’t able to mentally give 100% for practices and vod reviews. It would be selfish of me to continue with the rest of the team when I’ve lost that passion and drive for the game. I only had around a week of practice with the rest of the team, so I felt I was at a crossroads. Had I decided to leave after staying around any longer with the team, it would have been too late for me to comfortably withdraw myself from the team without causing serious in-game issues. Because the team was still in the early phases of practicing with me, I surmised that it was not too late to tell management how I honestly felt. To be honest, my plan was always to return to studying in university. Overwatch League was only an experiment in my life for a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to try something completely new. If I don’t enjoy competing anymore and have no plans to further my future career path as a competitor in esports, then it is also more beneficial as a decision to just take a break until the next fall semester comes for university. So, this is the end of my journey as a competitor in esports. I want to give my thoughts and reflections for my journey in Overwatch League as a whole. As cheesy as it sounds, Overwatch League truly changed my life for the better and, in a sense, saved me. Before going into esports, I was a shut-in college student pursuing a major and future I had no passion in. I hated my life back then. Overwatch League gave me an opportunity at a fresh start and also immensely motivated me to change myself, both physically and personally, which has allowed me to become more confident and outgoing in the process. A large part of this was the knowledge that I was going to be seen by the public at least multiple times a week, whether it would be for interviews or media events done by marketing teams. I stopped having the only clothes I wore be clothes purchased by my parents and actually bought clothes for myself. Furthermore, being seen as a public figure of sorts also helped make me a lot more open-minded. Because of this, I cannot be more thankful for the opportunity of being able to play in the Overwatch League. This journey was surreal from start to finish, and I am so proud of being able to say I played in the inaugural season of the league. I had the time of my life, and I hold absolutely no regrets for my decision to drop out of university a year ago to play in OWL. It was the best decision of my life. As I said before, my plan now for the future is to take a nice break for myself until the next fall semester starts for university. I have currently applied to 3 universities, (UC Berkeley, UC Irvine, and UT Austin) so for now I’m waiting on admission into them as a freshman majoring in business. Who knows, I may return to the esports scene in the future through the business and management standpoint rather than as a competitor. The rapidly-growing esports industry fascinates me, and I would be completely honored to support its growth moving forward. Having esports reach the same level of fame and recognition as regular sports is one of my main motivators for choosing business as my major. I have finally found a major that I can be passionate about. As I’m currently in China, I would like to make the most of this trip because the last time I visited was more than 6 years ago. I’ll be sure to visit my parents’ hometown and go to some famous tourist spots to make this “vacation” memorable. After my trip in China ends and I return home to Texas, I intend on streaming very frequently. I might even be able to finally have a stream schedule. I still intend on playing Overwatch casually and having it be my main game to play when streaming. I think it will be a huge burden off my shoulders to be able to stream Overwatch from a casual perspective rather than from a professional one. I’m confident I’ll be able to enjoy streaming the game much more than before due to the significant decrease in pressure. Streaming will be my main focus during my long break until school starts, so please be on the lookout for that! Lastly, I would like to express my gratitude towards everyone who has supported me throughout my esports journey: Blizzard, my former teams and teammates, family, and fans. Thank you Blizzard for creating the Overwatch League and having it exceed all my expectations. I will never forget the experiences and memories I made and it will definitely be a story I can tell my friends and family many years into the future. Thank you to Royal Never Give Up for being a caring and understanding organization and allowing me to withdraw from the team when I felt it was the best decision. Special thanks to the manager 宝龙 and to Luke for aiding me when I was truly overwhelmed with everything. Thank you to my former teammates on Chengdu Hunters for being so kind and accepting of me. I only got to know you guys for a couple weeks but you guys have become dear friends to me. I’ll be cheering for you guys in season 2, can’t wait to see what you accomplish as a team! When you all arrive in LA, I’ll be sure to treat you guys to a nice dinner sometime. Thank you to my family for being so understanding. Although you didn’t approve of my decision to join esports in the beginning, eventually you guys became incredibly supportive and I couldn’t have asked for anything more. Most importantly, thank you to my fans who continue to support me through everything. You guys have made my entire esports journey that much more special. Also, I’m not quitting Overwatch completely so I hope you all continue to support me when I start streaming frequently! I realize how long this twitlonger has become but I wanted every single one of my final thoughts to be on it. After all, this is the last one I’ll write (probably). If you actually managed to read through everything, I am genuinely impressed and applaud you. Farewell esports - thank you, thank you, and thank you. A journey that has finally come to an end. -Ted P.S. If anyone that is fluent in both Chinese and English (and has a truly insane amount of patience and time) would like to translate this twitlonger, please feel free to! I realize I have many Chinese fans that support me as well. I would greatly appreciate it!

source

[mlovesstories]

Adopting An Angel 4

Warnings: foster care feelings, language, violence (not toward a character), hatred toward person, 

Word count 2250ish

Summary:  YN gets some frustrating news and doesn’t take it well.  

AN- I don’t know a lot about the court system, so sorry if it’s not correct, but I hope you like it anyway.  Danneel is a boss. 

Danneel, Jensen, and the kids. Aaron!Caseworker

YN had been living with the Ackles’ for a few weeks. They were off to Dallas for Easter to visit Jensen’s family. YN was beyond nervous.

Will they like me?  

Do I look nice?

I can’t do this.

“Danneel?”

“What’s up, YN?” The mom of four was packing the little ones’ clothes for the trip. She noticed YN’s tense body. “Are you nervous?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“I’ll make you a deal. I’ll give you some inside information on Jensen’s parents if you help me get the babies ready,” she grinned. “Do you know how nervous I was to meet the cutest boy in Hollywood’s parents?”  YN giggled.  

“Okay,” YN responded. “I don’t want them to hate me. I love being here, and I don’t want to be moved because I mess up,” she stated honestly.

“Kiddo, look at me. We aren’t going to have you put anywhere else other than here. They are sweet and adorable, and they will want to crush you with hugs because they already love you. You won’t mess it up. YN, you make life fun, we want you here.”

“What if I say something mean on accident or don’t shake their hands, or have good manners?”

“The fact that you are worried so much tells me that you will be fine in all of those areas, YN.” Danneel stroked her arm, halting her packing. They both heard Arrow crying through the baby monitor. Danneel already had Zeppelin in her arms while trying to pack, so YN volunteered to go get her. 

____________

On the road trip from Austin to Dallas, YN played with JJ in the back seat.  They counted, sang the alphabet, and giggled.  A lot.  After about an hour, JJ fell asleep.  YN didn’t mind. She ended up holding JJ’s hand and falling asleep too.

“Psst! Jay!” Danneel whispered as her husband drove. He glanced at her and then back at the road. “Look at our girls,” she smiled. He used the mirror to view the backseat. Once he saw they were both out, he grinned and grabbed Danneel’s hand.

“She’s so perfect,” Jensen commented with a smile.

_______________

They arrived at Jensen’s parents’ house soon after the Ackles’ children woke up from their naps.

“Deep breath, you’ll be okay, I promise,”  Danneel whispered as she, Jensen and YN unbuckled and took the younger ones out of the vehicle.

“Thanks,”  YN faintly smiled.

Introductions went well.  YN felt welcomed in Jensen’s parents’ home.  They didn’t treat her any differently than the other three children of the family.  By keeping the expectations the same for all, YN felt included.  She slowly contributed to conversation, but she still needed some prompting from the adults.

“You’re fine, YN.  You’ve come out of your shell so much since we first met you,”  Jensen told her when he noticed she was off to the side of the living room.  “You need a break?”  She nodded. “Okay, come on.”  He told Danneel that YN, he and the twins were going on a walk.

“Okay.  Have fun!”

_____________

When they entered the house after their walk, the four moved toward the sound of Danneel’s voice.

“Her mom is filing for custody? Is she truly ready though? Aaron, she is settled here and she-“ Danneel stopped when she heard a gasp. “I gotta go, thank you for your time.”

YN’s eyes went wide as she realized what was going on.

No. Aaron can’t move me again! 

She wanted to run, but she had Arrow in her arms. YN sniffled, put Arrow down next to her toys and walked swiftly out of the house Into the backyard. Danneel ran after her. She found YN in the corner of the yard behind a shed, broken.

“No! I don’t want to go!” YN screamed when she saw Danneel.

“I know,” she kept his voice calm as she sat next to her in the dirt. Danneel let her cry and didn’t stop YN when she threw some rocks against the fence.

“Is it really going to happen? She’s a bitch. She doesn’t care about me,” YN told of her mother. “She’s tried this before, Danneel. It worked once, but then she was caught with drugs so I went back in to foster care. I can’t go back and forth. I’m tired,” YN recovered.

“I don’t know how far along in the process this is, but we can tell the judge what you just said. But if and until it actually happens, we will think good thoughts,” Danneel gave YN a hopeful smile. “We will not let this ruin our vacation, okay?”

“Yes, ma’am,” YN wiped away a stray tear.

“Do you like working out, YN?”

“I’ve run track before, why?”

——————-

“You ready?”  Danneel had convinced YN to get up early and go for a run with her.

“Yes, but why are we doing this?”

“Because you need a stress reliever. Physical activity helps,” Danneel walked passed her.  “Come on!”

They were both surprised with each other’s stamina. Both ladies ran two miles and then headed in for some coffee before everyone else woke up.

“Feel better?” Danneel untied and took off her running shoes.

“Yes, actually. Thank you.”

“Breakfast?”

“Yes, please.”

————————

Aaron called again. Danneel and Jensen went to talk to YN after the younger ones were asleep.

“Hey, YN. Whatcha doing?” Jensen led his wife into YN’s room.

“Reading,” she answered. “I heard you on the phone with Aaron. What’s going on?”

“Well,” Jensen started as he sat on her bed and took her hand, “he said that your mom has filed for cus-“

“DAMMIT! Why? She is scum, Jensen! You can’t let her have me!” YN was beyond angry. She stood up and threw her pillow across the room. YN knocked the J2 picture off of her side table and broke the frame. The teenager pounded her fists into her bed and then started hitting herself. Danneel moves from her seated position on the floor to YN and grabbed her wrists away from her body. This allowed Jensen to put her small frame on his lap and squeeze her tightly.

“I don’t know, baby, I really don’t.” He wanted to cry, himself. Jensen hated this for her.

————

“Do you think we handled that well, babe?” Danneel climbed into bed next to Jensen.

I think so. I can’t blame her. She’s been through hell, Dee. We don’t know a lot of it, either. We just gotta be there for her.”

“Yeah. I just feel so bad.”

“Dee,” she looked up at him as he said “we have to be objective. Yes, this whole situation with her mom sucks, but YN will be all over the place emotionally for a while. Her whole life is changed over and over. Unfortunately it is sad and we feel it, but she needs us strong. I know that puts a lot on you with the other kiddos but she can’t see us be upset, ya know?”

“I get it. She’s amazing. It breaks my heart-“ Danneel was interrupted by a knock on the upper half of the door.

YN. 

“Come in!” The parents were surprised by YN needing something so late.

She opened it and said “I can’t sleep. I’m so sorry, but I didn’t know what else to do. I’m so tired, but I can’t.“

“We understand,” Danneel smiled. “How can we help get you to sleep?” YN looked everywhere but her foster parents. “Just ask, YN. No judgements here. I had a baby monitor in my room until I moved out because I had nightmares. It’s okay to ask for help.”

“Can you hug me?” YN asked out of embarrassment. “I need a hug.”

“I’ll do you one better. Why don’t we have a slumber party in the living room, just you and me?” Danneel wished her foster daughter could relax, but she knew the whole situation kept them all on edge.

“Really?”

“Let’s do it,” Danneel got out of bed, grabbed her pillow and a few extra blankets, kissed her husband and exited.

“I’m sorry, Jensen. I’m sure you don’t get a lot of time with Danneel. Now I stole her from you.”

“Stop saying you're sorry. Do you think you need Danneel around to fall asleep?” He sat up.

“Uhhh. I think so.”

“Then you have nothing to feel bad about. I’m about to go to sleep anyway. Now, get your butt down there before I have to carry you,” he grinned at his empty threat.

“Yes, sir,” YN laughed. “Goodnight, Jensen.”

—————-

“I think we have enough pillows and blankets, don’t you?” Danneel giggled.

“I think so too!” YN agreed. Even though they hadn’t really started their sleepover, YN was already relaxing. “Can I ask you something?”

“Of course!”

“I loved One Tree Hill. I saw reruns, but how was it?  Being on a show like that?  Chad Michael Murray was hot.”

“Haha! A learning experience for sure. But we had fun,” Danneel answered.

“Cool. That slap between you and Sophia was so scary,” YN added.

“I was terrified,” Danneel admitted. “I thought for sure one of us was going to get hurt. I’m so glad you liked the show.”

“How did you meet Jensen?”

After what seemed like forever, YN fell asleep on a pile of pillows.

——————

Jensen walked into the living room with JJ the next morning.

“Can we wake them up?” JJ wanted to jump into the fun.

“Gently. Let’s not scare them, okay?” He was afraid it would be too much for YN.

“Okay,” JJ said. She walked over to YN and kissed her check, lied on top of her, and waited. YN stirred, and Jensen laughed, waking up Danneel.

“Did you ladies have fun last night?” Jensen raised a brow.

“She told me all your secrets, Jensen.” YN beamed  and sat up with JJ now on her lap. She wanted to see how far she could take this. She’d known the family well enough now that she could try some trouble.  “Danneel told me about the time you were on set and you messed with Misha and the computer screen-“

“OKAY! Probably not for a little one’s ears. Dee!  Such a traitor!” He looked back at YN. “Glad you had some time together. Proud of you, YN.” He saw how much she was opening up. Aaron was right, she was very funny.

“Thanks, Jensen.”

____________

Danneel sat down with YN a few weeks later.  

“Aaron called.”

“Great.  What did the Bad News Bear have to say now?”  YN hated it.  All of it.

“Manners, kiddo.  It isn’t Aaron’s fault.”

YN ducked her head. “Sorry,” she returned her gaze.

“The hearing is coming up, baby.”

“I’ll start packing,”  YN stood from her bed and grabbed a bag.  At this point, she was so used to change, she just assumed she would soon be changing homes.  Again.  

“What? Why?”  Danneel took the bag and tossed it back in its place. “I will fight for you, YN.  We don’t want you to go.  I don’t know your mom’s story.  You can tell us as you feel comfortable, but I do know that you are sweet, and kind, and caring, and you are not those things when you talk about her. That tells me that something bad happened where she lost your trust.  You’ve been here for a while, do you like living here?”

“Of course.  I love it here, but it never works out for kids like me, Dee.  In the system, we aren’t worth shit.”

“Okay, then let’s make her work for getting you back. You are worth so much more than you think, YN.  We will do our best in this yucky situation.  And you are not allowed to pack until they drag you out of here, capiche?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Now, don’t you have some homework to do?”

“Ugh.  I hate homework,” she whined using a high-pitched voice.

“That ain’t gonna fly.  Get busy,” Danneel laughed and left the room.  

_____________

It was now summer.  Jensen was on hiatus, and the older children were out of school.  YN was thankful that they could all be together for her court hearing.  

“You ready, YN?”  Danneel walked in and saw her packing. “Hey!  What. Did. I. Say?”

“It’s gonna happen.  It always does.  I haven’t seen her since I was nine, Dee.  Nine!  And now she wants me back?  She wants control, that’s what she wants!’  YN threw a shirt into her suitcase with emphasis.  

Danneel walked to YN.  “YOU are giving her the control right now.  Look at how angry you are right now.  You are fifteen years old.  You have more power than you think.  Did you finish your speech for the judge?”

“Yes, but I’m afraid I will just yell.”

“Jensen and I will be right there.  We’ll help you.”  Danneel faced YN and put her hand on YN’s shoulder, still respecting YN’s boundaries about touch.  YN almost ran into Danneel’s arms.  “We’ll figure it out.”

__________

When they arrived at the courthouse in their formal clothes, YN started shaking.  Others wouldn’t have noticed, but her foster parents did.  Danneel grabbed her hand and squeezed it three times.  “I love you,”  Danneel didn’t even look at YN to know that calmed her down.  

“Ditto,” YN responded.  

They walked into their assigned courtroom where they met Aaron at the prosecution table.  

“Hey, YN,” Aaron smiled faintly.  He knew she hated the predicament she was in.  

“Can we just get this over with please?”  YN’s attitude turned sour.  Jensen and Danneel noticed, but they didn’t respond.  

As they waited for the judge, they heard, “Hey, YN baby.  How you doin’?”  

YN turned, “Hi, Mom.” 

Did you like it?  What was your favorite part?  Tell me here or below! 

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@alyssarenea13 .@surflifesaverfreak .@87sassy

[collateralfiction]

11

Bailey

“How much persuasion did it really take convincing you to go live with Adrian for a bit?” I asked, neatly folding a few of Austin’s clothing. It was a bright and early morning and Justine needed to transport a few things over at Adrian’s, obviously needing some help. As the helping person I am, I offered to help her since I rarely have much to do. Adrian was cool with dropping me off earlier and decided that Justine would drive me back home after we’re done. Austin is being discharged tomorrow afternoon so we were working briskly to get things done as quickly as possible. It was growing hot for a June afternoon and even with the windows cracked to a certain extent, I was ready to call it quits. Justine dragged the large suitcase into his room further, placing it right on the bed and near me.

“He promised me a vacation to Turks & Caicos,” she smirked. “I was going to go regardless, you know but he started to offer things so I played along,” she giggled.

I nodded, impressed at what she got out of this. Just by their interaction alone you could tell that they’re super close. It’s something to truly admire, causing me to miss what my sister and I had like never before. You truly never realize how valuable a relationship is until it’s no longer existing. I miss every relationship I built and had except for the one with Ryan. There are times when I go back and forth with trying to decide whether or not he’s something worth missing and for right now, I’ve decided against it. As far as I was concerned, I was single andmore than likely, he’s acting single as well. With Adrian and his cryptic messages, I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s the truth; I would need to see it for myself though.

“Is that all he promised you?”

“Nope but that’s what I was sold on,” she continued to laugh. “But when you really think about it, I made the best possible decision in the long run. Austin is going to need a lot of care and attention and it really does take a village to raise one kid alone. So, Adrian will definitely be helpful in that area. Besides, I know there needs to be a bit more Estrogen up in that house,”

“You thought of me?” I cooed. “Aren’t you the best?!” I said, dropping the small shirt and attacking her in a hug. She playfully pushed me off of her, cutting her eyes in my direction as well.

“Well, if you must know, I did. I don’t really associate myself with too many people on account of Adrian and even though you were brought into a sticky situation, I do consider you a friend,”

“Thanks, boo!” I smiled. “Me too though. I can never be cordial enough with your brother to call him a friend, you know? Was he always like this?” I inquired, finding this the perfect opportunity to pry. Adrian is sticking to his word of no personal interference but I’m slowly breaking that down. But in the meanwhile, his sister is the best person to ask any type of question regarding Adrian on.

“Pretty much,” she shrugged. “I mean, he wasn’t as aggressive as he is now. Matter fact, he wasn’t aggressive. He was in this relationship with this girl a few years back and that’s when you can say the downfall of Adrian began. That’s why I call him Nicholas instead of Adrian, although that’s his name,”

“Are you saying he has two personalities?” I questioned.

“Not literally but he might as well. His attitude isn’t cute and besides, a person with a middle name as Nicholas is supposed to be nice off bat,”

“I guess your brother doesn’t qualify in that area,”

“Definitely not,” she sighed. “He has his own category,”

“What about this ex of his? What was she like?”

“I didn’t like her. He didn’t like anyone I dated, I didn’t like anyone he dated and certainly not her. I believe she was more harmful than anything. If you ask him about her, he’ll easily dodge that conversation. With everything that happened between those two, I don’t blame him,” That piqued my interest as I slowed down folding clothes but not making it obvious that what she had informed me on made me grow curious. The way he acts, especially towards women, can be directly related to this ex of his and the impact she had on his life. Whatever the situation must have been, had to have been extremely detrimental for him to act this way now. But would he easily admit that to me? Not so easily. “Anyway, let’s not worry about him. He’s not all that. You said you were in a relationship before coming here, right?”

I turned my lip up at her question before placing the ten shirts that I folded into the suitcase. “Yeah,” I answered

“Why don’t you talk about him? You don’t miss him?” I did everything in power not to mention Ryan at times because he was an irrelevant topic.

“Honestly?” I chuckled. “No,” Her eyes widened before resulting back in their normal size.

“Really? How come? Does it have to do with Adrian?”

“Uh, not exactly but his actions prior to this whole thing haven’t been the best and I guess you can say, I’m over it. Our relationship ran its course and we’re here now,”

“I don’t think you mean that,” she frowned. “Are you sure this is how you feel and this isn’t just anger?”

“A mixture of both,” I shrugged nonchalantly. “But, I rather not talk about him,” I confessed. “I haven’t in a month and I like that. Ryan holds a huge weight on my shoulder from all the stress I endure because of him. In the strangest way possible, not having him near gives me a piece of solace,” I felt the need that I would someday need to vent my frustrations to anyone about Ryan because it was honestly a lotthat I had on my mind. I wasn’t sure when that would come but it wasn’t like I was looking forward to it either. I don’t even know when the next time it would be that I would see Ryan, but I know the first thing that I wouldn’t do; I wouldn’t run into his arms. Not at all.

“When you’re ready, you will, right?” she said with a small pout.

“Only if you swindle Adrian on letting me go on vacation with you,” I smirked.

“Oh, I see. When’s your birthday?”

“July 16th,” I smiled proudly. “Cancer gang,”

“Really?” she asked in excitement. “Mine is the 12th. No wonder we click so much,”

“That’s dope. You’re turning twenty-four then, right?”

She nodded. “And you’re turning twenty-two. The baby,” she laughed.

“Bitch, y’all need to chill with that baby shit. I am a grown ass woman,”

“Tell ‘em!” she shouted.

“I can’t deal with you,” I shook my head and zipped up the large suitcase before dropping it on the floor. “What else needs to be done?” I inquired, pulling my hair into a ponytail. A sigh left my parted lips as I fanned my hands around my face in order to get some air to circulate around my body.

“Adrian has toys at the crib, so we don’t need to worry about what I have. Uh, my clothes are already packed and downstairs. I have everything pretty much done and his clothes are all stashed away. I think we can leave now,” she grinned.

“Are you sure?” I asked. “There’s no way I want to come back out in this heat,”

“Positive. If I left something, Adrian will come pick it up for me, deal?” she said.

“It appears that Adrian will do anything for his little sister,” I grabbed onto the handle of the suitcase and began to wheel it out of the small room.

“And he’ll do the same for you too,” she proclaimed.

“Are we talking about the same person?”

“Yes, now c’mon,” she said, stepping ahead of me. Like Riley once did, she lived in a gorgeous brownstone in Brooklyn. It was something about Brownstones that always made me get a sense of a warm welcome whenever I was in one. Reasons as to why I spent a lot of time over at Riley’s.

“Are you ever going to settle down?” By the look etched on his face, I knew he misconstrued my thoughts as a hint to something else, but it was simply an innocent question. “Like in the future? Not right now. I mean, you have the house for it so why not? You’re not getting any younger and I know Ms. Chalmers wants a kid or two. Ryan is nowhere near ready for a responsibility like that,” I said, taking a seat on the orange beanbag.

“I don’t think so,” Rileymuttered honestly, admiring his new house. It was his grandfathers and left in mint condition. When most young adults graduate High School or College, your parents usually reward you with something extraordinary; a car. In Riley’s predicament, he had a house already paid for with only a few bills to pay for but everything else was paid for and off. He always had this brownstone to begin with, but he didn’t officially move in until he recently moved from Atlanta a few weeks back. You would never know that by looking at how furnished his place was. Riley was a smart one. While he was still in Atlanta, he had asked his mother, my mother, Rayne and I to help get his place together so he’ll have a head start. Of course, we all said sure. The sooner things get done, the easier it’d be for him to feel at home with less boxes being cluttered around.

“Why not?” He sighed, running his fingers through his shortened hair. The infamous braids he used to wear were now shaven and he had a clean, cut look going on.

“Jordan had a miscarriage,” he revealed, just above a whisper. My eyebrow furrowed together at his statement while my heart plummeted.

“Jordan was pregnant?”

“No one knew until she was carried to the hospital. She didn’t even know,” he mumbled.

“Oh my, I’m so sorry to hear that, Riley,” I frowned.

“Nah, it’s alright. It wasn’t meant to be, especially at twenty-two years old,” he gritted.

“Have you told anyone about this?” I asked, treading softly around the topic. I was speechless to hear that this female friend, certainly not girlfriend, had a miscarriage and neither of the two knew about it until it was too late. Riley had been in New York for a while now. so this must have been something he was keeping under wraps. I felt horrible that he was hiding something such as this away from me and I wasn’t able to pick up on any difference in his mood. Riley was always noticeably upbeat and vibrant, always wearing a smile on his face. But then again, it was easy for him to hide how he was feeling due to the fact that he smoked a lot and more than likely, drank his feelings away.

“Nah, only you,” he chuckled. “Ryan wouldn’t care anyhow and I’m not trying to send my mother into a whirlwind of emotions, you know?”

“I understand. How’d you deal with it?” I said, focusing solely on Riley. Whenever Ryan was up to no good and I was aware of that, he demanded that I stay by Riley’s so he’d know I’d be alright. I wasn’t too fond of the arrangement, only because he acted as if I was a child but knowing that I’d be in the company of Riley was always a good thing. I was supposed to be working on homework, but Riley is way more entertaining despite the turn of conversation.

“I’m still dealing with it but when I’m out of this phase, I’ll let you know,”

He never really did tell me if he passed that stage nor how he dealt with it.

He was gunned down before he had the chance.

It’s crazy that an unborn child lost their live and a few months later, the same happened to him.

It’s funny how life works.

“Ready to head to New Jersey?” I don’t know how through my daze I was able to walk outside and situate myself in the car but whichever way I got through it, I was glad that I didn’t raise too much suspicion from her.

“Eh, sure,” I mumbled. New Jersey, huh? Isn’t that where Ryan wanted me to hide? All the reasons more as to why I’m growing a distaste for Ryan. To think I was once madly in love with him. Now, all that love has vanished, and I just have a strong sense of hate for him; and that’s without even receiving proof that he’s doing wrong behind my back that Adrian is alluding to. The ride back into New Jersey was filed with more conversation and Justine rambling on about her young son. Being that Justine was going to live with Adrian, she didn’t see the point in occupying the guest house, so she’d be rooming in one of the various rooms in the main house. Adrian had worked so diligently just to make sure everything was up to par and it definitely let me know that he was a family man; a good quality in any man. “Does Austin know he’s coming home tomorrow?” I said, turning around in my seat to face her.

“Yes, and he’s so excited,” she gushed. “I want to surprise him though, and do something special so I need your help,”

“Doesn’t everyone?” I chuckled. “What’s up?”

“I want balloons, food and a cake ready for him. I want him to experience a warm welcome,” she smiled.

“I got you, Jus,” I said. “We should stop by the supermarket then,”

“I’ll make a left at the next stop light,” she mumbled, turning the music back up.

“Cool,” Knowing New Jersey like the back of her hand, she was able to navigate through the traffic and head directly towards a local Costco. We were like a kid in a candy shop, picking up anything that looked delicious, totally neglecting the fact that we were only here for Austin.

“We have to be mindful of what sugary snacks we buy,” Justine said as I pulled down a box of Fruit Snacks.

“Too hype when he has sugar?”

“Somewhat but he had a lung transplant a little over five months ago and he’s been getting better, so we want to keep it that way for a while,” I haven’t even met Austin and my heart goes out to him so badly. He’s not even ten and his life has been so traumatic. But from what I hear, he’s a happy camper and you would never know he suffered so much. If he’s positive, I think everyone around him should be as well.

“Oh, I see. I get it,” I nodded. He needed to remain healthy. Roughly forty more minutes in a crowded Costco left Justine as agitated as possible. She wasn’t too fond of stores and the supersize supermarket proved just that. I didn’t mind remaining inside the supermarket since it was anywhere but inside of that house. Going outside and doing normal everyday tasks brought solace to me and made me forget that I was really a kidnapped woman. They didn’t necessarily treat me like one but any restrictions on a human life goes to show someone being stripped from their freedom. We went straight home after that and when we reached, Caiden and August were on the stoop, talking about something. From the angered looks on their faces, I could tell it was something tension filled so I was glad Justine and I came when we did. “Hey, guys,” I smiled, stepping out the car.

“What’s up?” they both said at the same time.

“Moving day,” I said, pointing towards the trunk. “Let’s get it done,” I smiled. They both groaned and stood up, dusting off their pants. Caiden bumped into me purposely with a mischievous grin while August just shook his head at his brother’s antics. I haven’t had the chance to really have a conversation with August due to various reasons; one being that he was never around for me to hold a conversation with. He looked extremely familiar, but I couldn’t place a finger to where I knew him from. I mean, his accent was pretty memorable, but I don’t know where from. I would ask but he constantly avoids me.

While the Neverson boys helped carry in the serious luggage, I trailed behind them with the few grocery bags I seemed to accumulate. It took less than a half hour for everything to be put away and once done, I was lying on the couch in one of the living rooms. I was supposed to finish helping Justine unpack and whatnot, but I needed a break, a serious one at that. Someone was playing around with my left foot and when I turned to look around, Adrian was seated at the end of the couch, throwing my feet back and forth. “Ugh, can you not?” I grumbled.

“Oh, so when you don’t see me, your mornings are crappy, aren’t they?” he asked but by his tone, it was more so if he knew the answer already.

“I didn’t say that,” I said, removing my feet from his view. I sat up, tucking my hair behind my ears.

“All you have to do is admit it. It’ll make you feel better after a while,” he said so surely.

“I think you want to admit something to me. Missed me, didn’t you?” I teased back, siting closer to him on the couch. He smelled of his usual Ralph Lauren cologne and from the plethora of cologne bottles in his room, I could tell he was a fan.

“I think you’re delusional,”

“I’ve been told,” I said, using his very words against him. “Why didn’t you tell me your nephew went through a lung transplant?” I said, loud enough for him to hear me over the television screen. My eyes were solely focused on his, but he was avoiding my gaze. “Can you look at me?” I asked nicely, moving myself closer to him than before. Only a few more movements needed, and I would practically be in his lap. Due to him having his hoodie and a LA Lakers hat covering his head, I wasn’t able to see much of his face. Reluctantly, he turned to look at me with low eyes. As if I was annoying him; yeah, right. “Talk to me,”

“I am,”

“You don’t say much,”

“I say enough,”

“It never hurt to say more,” I said softly.

“It does,” he mumbled. “But aye, you wanna talk, go ahead. I’ll listen,”

“But only if you reciprocate the action back,” I said, holding out my pinky. “It can be gradual, one step at a time,” He swatted my pinky away with the shake of his head, but I wasn’t sure if that meant no to the whole idea or he couldn’t believe he was about to go along with this; turned out to be the latter and I sat with an accomplished grin. “Okay, so this is how we’ll do this. I’ll pick a topic for you and you can pick a topic for me. Then we can go back and forth, alright?”

“Mad complicated,” he said, kissing his teeth.

“Well, I don’t see you offering a different alternative,” I sassed. “Okay, I’ll start. Pick a topic,”

“Uh, talk about your pops,” My eyebrows immediately meshed together at his suggestion. That was the furthest thing I thought he would mention but he did, and it had me taken aback quite honestly. I haven’t heard from my dad in quite a while and I wondered what was possibly running through his mind, knowing his daughter isn’t where she belongs. There’s nothing he can do behind bars but he has eyes and connections everywhere. It was bound to get back to him and somehow, someway, he’ll try to take action. Sighing deeply, I bit the bottom of lip as I thought of how to go about this conversation without growing emotional. There’s a chance I would anyhow but I would try not to.

“My father? I’m pretty sure you know all there is to know about him, except for one side,” I said, folding my legs like a pretzel. “My father grew up in Harlem and was raised by my grandmother. He doesn’t talk much about his childhood, but I know it wasn’t a walk in the park since Harlem in the 80’s isn’t what it is now. I do believe people are a product of their environment, but they always have a chance to go along with it or not. My father being young and reckless allowed for him to be consumed in this life, ultimately leading him to his exposure as a hit men,” Surprisingly, Adrian looked oddly interested and I didn’t know if that was meant as a good thing but if he was willing to actually sit and hold a conversation with me, I should be grateful.

“By the age of twenty-one, that was his full time job. By thirty years old, I was nine and I knew the full extent of what my father was doing. He never sugarcoated things for me; he was blunt as fuck,” I chuckled. “I had wanted to bring him in to Career Day at school because at first, I thought he had a legal job ‘cause of how much money he was making and all the nice things we had. But he turned down my request and told me he killed people for a living. I don’t think I was shocked because by ten, I witnessed someone getting shot at the expense of my father. I never talked to him about what he does until I got older, but it only made me love the fatherly side of him more,”

“Really?” he said his first words in the last ten minutes.

“Yeah,” I said. “It’s not like I can all of a sudden hate him. He’s my father after all,”

“That don’t mean you have to love him,” he stated.

“Why not?”

“You’re not obligated to love anyone, regardless of who the person is in your life. If you feel like that person is doing wrong, so be it. You not gon’ get crucified ‘cause you think that way. Just ‘cause you’re bounded to them by blood don’t mean you have to like ‘em,”

“Okay, Reverend Adrian,” I giggled causing him to do the same. “In my circumstance, I love him despite his wrong doings. He was great at being a father, but he had made terrible decisions as a man,”

“You don’t hold that against him though, right?” he asked.

“Nope,”

“So, what would you hold against a person?” That was actually a great question that I couldn’t answer yet. I know what I would hold against a person, but I couldn’t find the words to illustrate that.

“Come back to me with that,” I murmured. “But, your turn!” I said, quickly averting from the direction that conversation was headed. He mumbled something inaudible, but I paid it no mind because I was still getting my chance to talk to him piece by piece. Whatever topic that spews from my lips had to be a topic that isn’t too dark nor deep. If it was, he’d shut down in a matter of seconds. “Is this something you want to do forever… like this illegal shit?”

“I see why not. I can’t see myself doing a 9 to 5. It’s not for me,” he responded. “I’m not too good with taking orders from someone,”

“But there’s a million other things that you can do without it being illegal. I mean, you’re obviously smart so I’m pretty sure you can find something else,”

“I like what I do,” he said quickly.

“Why? ‘Cause you have power over people?” I retorted.

“I don’t need power; that’s not what I seek,”’

“So, what is it?” I poked.

“Come back to me about that later,” he smirked, standing tall. Did he just easily dodge his topic like that while I went on a ramble concerning mine? Of course, he did.

Adrian

She was growing too close for comfort. Her curious mind was starting to peak at an interest in my personal life that I swore I would keep to myself. It’s presumed people in a field of this sort would typically be closed off and guarded but that’s far from who I am. I’m just conscience of certain shit. I need to know your intentions before placing my heart on my sleeves. That’s human nature. Those that typically sit back and be an open book are those that haven’t dealt with life just yet. Life is something that’ll kick you in the ass while trying to encourage you to move forward. Life is what makes you reach rock bottom and make you fight to stand up again. No one knows life as well as I do. Bailey is a different situation though. Before even knowing much about her, I would assume she was naïve off the basic fact that she’s with Ryan.

But conversing with Bailey, without her trying to be a smart ass, wasn’t as bad as I expected it to be. She’s smart and tactful. Her whole persistency for me to tell my life story is for her benefit. She wants to get in my head and see how I operate but I’m not letting it get that far, just in case this shit backfires. As unpredictable as I can be, she can as well. She’s easygoing and compliant now but that doesn’t mean she won’t use that to her advantage and suddenly turn against me when she sees it benefiting her more. I won’t allow nor have that. As persistent as Bailey is, I’m stubborn so let’s see how far this gets her. Heading out of the living room, I went to find my sister.

With Austin making his arrival home tomorrow, I wanted to make sure everything was set for him. It’s been so long since he’s been home, and I want him to feel as comfortable as possible. He’ll have to adapt to a lot of new things but I’m sure he’ll do just fine. After all, he is a Peters. We come back strong. “How’s it going?” I asked, leaning against the doorframe to Austin’s new room. Even with the money my mother had growing up, I never had a room as cool as his. Mine was plain as hell since my mother never really had the time to decorate it or do anything motherly for that matter.

“Uh, I’m almost done,” she mumbled under her breath. “Where’d Bailey run off to or did you run her away?” she asked while walking towards the closet.

“Man,” I kissed my teeth. “If anything, she was bothering me,”

“I highly doubt that. She doesn’t even like you, no one does,”

“That’s probably one of the worse lies you’ve ever told. B is obsessed over me. She wanna learn my whole life story,” I chuckled.

“If she’s obsessed over you, then you’re obsessed over her,” Justine said, turning around and grabbing the last of Austin clothes. My eyebrows meshed together as I stared at the back of her head. Fuck you mean? “Don’t give me that weird look. I know you better than most and I can easily tell when you’re feeling someone or not,” she stated as if she was so sure. I didn’t say much but I allowed for her mind to think that; there’s no way I can tell her otherwise and I was going to save my breath from doing so.

“Don’t you know everything,” I chuckled. “If I wanted her, I would have her,”

“You do have her,” she insisted. Not like how I want her.

“I think it’s you who wants her. Let me find out you lurking in the other direction. Mama ain’t gon’ like that too much,” I joked.

“I’m not gay!”

“That’s not what you were saying a few years ago,”

“I was going through a phase,” she defended.

“Stay away from Bailey with all that shit,” I grumbled, licking my lips. “But that’s not why I came in here to talk about,”

“What is it then?” she questioned.

“To bother you,” I chuckled, throwing the blue colored pillow at her forehead. Being that she was slow on her reflexes, she hadn’t caught the pillow in time and her head immediately moved backwards in shock.

“Adrian!” she gritted, scooping the pillow off the floor and charging towards me. I blocked her miniscule hits while waiting to see if she’d grow exhausted. When she did, I pushed her head to the side which caused her to groan. “I hate you, yo!” Although what she said was distasteful, I knew it wasn’t said maliciously because of her small smile. If we weren’t arguing, we were having good times with one another and that was better than anything in the world. I don’t have a lot of people I would willingly turn to but knowing that I always have blood family around makes me feel good, even if that means it’s not my fullfamily, it’s family nonetheless.

“You need some boxing lessons,” I stated, throwing my arms around her shoulder.

“No, I don’t. If I’m in trouble, I have you to fight ‘em off for me,”

“True but still. Matter fact, I want you and Bailey to go to some classes around the area. I need y’all to be prepared for any occasions,” With the latest of events that’s been happening, I need them prepared and safe at all times. It’s impossible for me to be around 24/7 and I don’t want to overbear them with a body guard when that won’t be necessary and just cause more attention to them than needed. I want them to be low key but if anything was to happen and I wasn’t near, I needed them to be able to protect themselves no matter what.

“Do you see these nails?” she said, pointing her fingers in my face. “This is a clear indication that I don’t need to be boxing,”  

“I’m sure you can snatch those shits off,” I grumbled. “Besides, Austin don’t need anything pointy in his face,”

“Is that what he told you?”

“Yeah, we have daily conversations,” Even when I couldn’t make it to the hospital every chance I got, I made sure I called the hospital just to talk to him. He was the youngest kid out of the family and the only grandchild as well. People usually state that I’m too mean for their liking, but Austin would easily refute that statement and say otherwise; if that’s the case, no one else’s opinion matters. Since he’s young, he really doesn’t know exactly what I do, and I rather keep it a secret from him until he’s much older. More so because I don’t want this to be something he begins to grow a liking to doing. His father isn’t the best male role model and with me being the only other male in his life, I have to be a great example of what he should be doing. If he ended up following in my footsteps, I would feel regretful and that’s the last thing I want to feel, again. “He be talking ‘bout girls and all that good shit. Lil’ man gon’ be sly as hell. They’ll be throwing pussy at him in no time,”

“Not at all. Please don’t play,” she mumbled, throwing my arm off of her. “Can you go find Bailey? We need to finish up here,”

“Sure,” I said, a little too quickly for my liking.

She caught that and smirked.

“Why you so obsessed with her…” she sung.

I kissed my teeth, leaving her in the room by herself. The first reasonable placed I searched for Bailey to be in was in her room but to no avail, so I knew she was in the same place I left her in; and I was right. “Go upstairs to help Justine,” I stated from the threshold.

“Give me a minute. I’m trying to nap,” she mumbled, turning her face away from my view.

“Don’t say I ain’t warn you,” I said. Knowing Justine, she’ll bitch as soon as she doesn’t see Bailey up there. I don’t know why she’s rushing to get anything done when she has more than enough time to get it done before 3pm the next day. “Oh, I need to talk to you before the night is up,” I spoke, quickly reminding myself of a few things. There were a few specific things she needed to be reminded of concerning Lonnie and how this whole operation will go down. At the end of the day, Bailey is in the forefront of this whole plan; if something happens that is unplanned or goes off track, it’s her fault and I don’t need added stress or problems.

“Now you want to talk to me,” she said but I barely heard her since her face was covered in a plethora of pillows.

“I do what I want, you ain’t know?”

“I see,” she sighed. “Now go away. You’re making me lose sleep,”

“Alright, alright,” I laughed lowly, stepping away. I just hope she knows what she’s getting herself into; that’s including Justine’s wild antics.

Third Person Perspective

Visiting days were never something fun to begin with and always brought a somber attitude to any situation. This afternoon was no different as Ryan and Rayne made their way through the slim hallway, leading towards the visitation room. Mr. Banks wasn’t sure who was coming to visit since he didn’t get word prior to this but he hoped that it wasn’t anything unexpected. He’s been in this live in hell hole for quite some time and nothing surprises him anymore. There’s nothing that can surprise him, as to how he’s seen it all. The only thing he wishes is that his family remains safe since he’s not there to protect them like he wants. The dark blue jumpsuit and usual cuffs around his wrist did nothing but ignite anger in him and want nothing more for his sentence to be up. He has realized his faults and for that alone has made him begin to do some great consideration over the last few months. It was time for a change.

Since Mr. Banks was positioned facing away from the door to the room, he wasn’t able to see his daughter and potential son in lawenter into the room. Rayne and Ryan decided it would be best to be the one to break the bad news to Bailey’s father. It would have been done earlier, much earlier, but Mrs. Banks had faith that her daughter would pop up sooner rather than later and Ryan’s so called dedication to finding Bailey will pull through, along with the police; that was a fail. At this point, everyone is worried and it’s about time realaction happens. Rayne was the first to acknowledge her dad with a tap to his shoulder. Mr. Banks quickly looked over his shoulder, doing a double take as he stood to embrace his youngest daughter. “Daddy,” Rayne spoke lowly, not wanting to shed tears so quickly.

They easily embraced, hugging each other as if this were to be the last time they would come across one another. Rayne noticed her father to have grown buff since the last she saw him and a bit of stubble around his chin. It was always a pleasant surprise when his kids paid him a visit, although he rather them not. Jail is no place for a family to congregate at and this is all the more reasons as to why he doesn’t want his daughters nor wife around. “What a great surprise to see you,” Mr. Banks spoke with a smile, placing a kiss on the top of her forehead. “Where’s your sister?” he automatically asked.

“Ryan is here,” Rayne said instead, wanting to ease into that very topic. She’s been attempting to keep it together since this morning and she doesn’t know how much longer she can hold this façade together. Looking away from his daughter, he was shocked to see Ryan and Rayne together, visiting him. His eyebrows meshed together as he went to give Ryan a dap; one of the few men that worked under him and diligently might he add. Mr. Banks glanced over at the guards for a second before facing Ryan again. If it was one thing he was certain of, he never allowed for his employees to stop by because that rose suspicion and he didn’t need them getting targeted at the wrong time.

“Have a seat you two,” Mr. Banks knew of Ryan prior to Bailey knowing of him. He was good friends with his father and anyone he had a watchful eye over was good in his eyes. There were only so much people you could trust and when a person shows you who they really are the first time, believe it. With Ryan, he was already working in close connections with Mr. Banks and from what Mr. Banks saw, he was a better catch for Bailey than anyone she could have choose and for that alone, it made him feel comfortable with them dating more than anything; besides, he wasn’t keen on his daughters dating anyone until they were well into their twenties but that’s not always realistic, especially with the persistency B has. “What’s been going on? How’s everything?” he quickly asked, feeling out the loop a bit. “Where’s your mama or Bailey?” he found himself asking.

“Well, mommy is doing fine,” Rayne spoke, clearing her throat a bit. “Like always; working, cleaning, you know?” Mr. Banks nodded, happy with what he was hearing so far. He met Camryn, Bailey and Rayne’s mother, close to twenty-five years ago. They were on the fast track with love and there was absolutely no turning back. In two months, they were already a couple, in eight, they were engaged, in a year, married. Then a few years later, Camryn pregnant with their first.

“I always tell her to quit that shit,” Mr. Banks fussed. It’s not a problem to him to have a working woman but being the man that he is, he rather her relax. After all she deserves it.

“You know mama will never do something like that,” Rayne smiled for the first time in a while.

“Well, what about you Rayne? And Bailey? How was her graduation ceremony? I sent a letter expressing how happy I am for her. Did she get it?” he rattled off. Rayne’s face faltered for a while, unable to speak. Ryan had been relatively quiet and lately, he’s been out of it. His actions have been delayed and it only gets worse coming face to face with your boss and daughter’s father. He let him down and didn’t do as he said he would; protect B. Rayne roughly nudged Ryan to get him to finally speak. She couldn’t find the courage to speak those dreadful words.

Clearing his throat, he ignored most of his questions and decided to get to the main point; the stalling was only making things worst on his part. “Things haven’t been good, sir,” You would think Ryan was talking to a sergeant with how he talked to Mr. Banks. It was nothing but upmost respect, especially in this moment. Mr. Banks became serious just by that tone of voice Ryan used. His posture straightened up and he stared at Ryan intensely. He noticed Rayne dodging simple questions, his wife and daughter not in attendance and Ryan in front of him raised a few red flags.

“Speak, boy,”

“Bailey’s missing,” Ryan said quickly. Mr. Banks wasn’t exactly processing that quick enough as he continued to stare at Ryan. Or maybe it was the fact that he refused to believe such a thing. His daughter… missing? Impossible. Mr. Banks chuckled lightly, almost as if something funny had been told but he was slow to actually understanding the joke. His laughter began to subside as he stared at his daughter who had tears streaming down her eyes now. That confirmed what Ryan had spoken was true and his cool demeanor quickly flipped in a hot second.

“You want to repeat that?” He gritted.

Ryan sighed. “Someone kidnapped her,” He stared at his daughter for confirmation and Rayne weakly nodded her head.

“For how long?” he breathed.

“Over a month,” Rayne interjected, seeing her father attitude change tremendously. This is what they were all scared of and one too many times have they seen it.

Mr. Banks clenched his jaw tightly, the vein on the side of his neck showing prevalently. “I give you one fucking job to do! One fucking job! Protect Bailey because I can’t. You can do everything fucking else, but you can’t do the easiest task out of it all? It’s been a goddamn month and y’all just telling me this shit?” His voice boomed against the concrete walls. The officers that stood around the room in specific places casted their eyes upon the scene before them. Every inmate turned their head to look at the head honcho. It was funny how no one thought to do anything about this, especially the guards but everyone knew better than to interrupt him while he was angry. Don’t tell someone to calm down when they’re in rage; that does nothing to help the situation, only fuel it. Mr. Banks saw rage and anger and if he wasn’t surrounded by guards who held guns as their defense, he would have this place turned upside down.

“She can be dead for all we know, and you wait a month to tell me some bullshit like this?” His harsh words were meant for both of his visitors but aimed at Ryan for the most part. His first born missing? No emotion could describe how he was feeling but anger certainly did. If he wasn’t incarcerated, Bailey would be home with everyone right now, he would have seen her graduate, he would have been able to keep a watchful eye on her but no, he had to fuck up and let shit like this happen.

Rayne seeing her father upset like this pulled at her heartstrings as she continued to cry. She couldn’t even meet her father’s stare. “Who took her?” He asked, furiously banging his hand on the table. “Don’t you fucking lie either ‘cause I know you know!” He yelled. By now, the guards were rushing towards him because of how big of a scene he was making. Ryan’s behavior was not what Mr. Banks was accustomed to and he regrets every ounce of trust he put in that nigga instantly.

“I’m guessing Adrian,” Ryan spoke lowly.

“You guess?” he chuckled, standing tall quickly. If it weren’t for the two guards holding Mr. Banks back, Ryan would have serious injury to his face. “I’m saying this loud and clear, all these mothafuckas are my witnesses. You don’t find my daughter before I do, I’ll fucking kill everyone you love until you find her!” he yelled across the room as they had to forcefully drag him away. Rayne realized why her mother wouldn’t come and this very moment showed exactly why; the hurt in his eyes when Ryan relayed the message was all too much for her to witness. She didn’t know it but as soon as he was placed back in his cell, he broke down; crying against the cot mat. The threat he served Ryan did nothing but numb Ryan all over again, truth be told. He would say one thing, but his actions told another story.

Like Mr. Banks said, Ryan was good at doing everything else but one thing he stressed the most, he dropped the ball on? He knew he had lost Bailey forever with what he done but it would never hurt to look for her because where there’s a will, there’s a way and by Mr. Banks’ threat, he couldn’t fuck around. But with Mr. Banks knowing better and knowing something as serious as his daughter disappearance for over a month, he was willing to do everything in his power, even behind bars, to get his daughter back where she belongs.

Adrian Peters is a dead man.

[marabaker]

Lindsey was happy to wake up at home the first morning. By day two it had already lost its luster, and by day three she realized with grim finality that she was here, at home, with her mom and dad, for the long haul. 

The sounds of her old neighborhood were different than she remembered. Had they always been able to hear the trucks on the highway? Had there always been so many dogs barking throughout the night? And then, in the few hours before dawn, had it always been so quiet? She was so used to the constant but predictable din of Austin, the suburbs were a new exercise in contrasts. In any case, she had plenty of time to study the audioscape of her old home - she could barely sleep.

On day three, she slept in past nine for the first time. She woke up in a panic, part of her saying that she had nothing to do, no obligation, but the other (louder) part saying that her parents would be judgemental of her sleeping in a moment past eight thirty. She was unemployed and back home, she needed to stave off all of the judgement she possibly could.

She gave each side of her mouth a fleeting brush of toothpaste before coming downstairs, apologizing to her mom, who was finishing the dishes.

“Oh, sweetheart, no need to apologize,” she said, brushing aside a lock of hair with her forearm. “You probably needed as much sleep as you could get.”

Lindsey couldn’t argue with that. She poured herself a coffee and studied her mom as she washed the last pan in the sink. She looked thinner. “Well, I...I feel like I ought to start the day early, y’know. Set a tone.”

Her mom smiled and shook her head. “You’ve only been here a couple days. You should relax a little. Take this as a vacation.”

That was exactly what Lindsey had told her friend Georgia before she’d left Austin. “It’ll be like a vacation. Then I’ll get my shit together, find a better job, and be back so quick it’ll be like I was never gone.”

In telling someone else, she hoped she could magically make it all true.

“There’s breakfast for you in the oven,” her mom said, putting the last pan on the drying rack.

“Mom, you didn’t have to make me breakfast.”

“Get real. You think I’m not going to make breakfast for you? You don’t need to feel guilty being here. You’re back home. Try to embrace that.”

Lindsey pulled a plate with tented foil out of the warm oven. Her mom had never been a great cook, but she had always put in a lot of effort. Lindsey peeled back the foil to see scrambled eggs and sausage. At least she hadn’t gone too out of her way.

“There’s strawberries in the fridge,” her mom said, pulling the refrigerator door open before Lindsey could even respond. “Sit, sit down.”

Lindsey did as she was told, and perched on the barstool by the counter. The same place she’d always had breakfast. God, what a weird sensation.

“Are you going to see anyone while you’re here? Anyone you still talk to?”

Lindsey absently picked up a sausage while she considered this question. She hadn’t given it a lot of thought. “I guess there’s a couple people I’d go see. Ben...you remember Ben? Maybe you never met him. Katie. I guess that’s it. Everybody else...” Lindsey lifted a shoulder. The moment she left Greensborough, she made every effort to cleave her high school life from her post-high school life.

“What about, um...Cassie? Cass? I had always liked her.”

Yikes. “Cass got knocked up right after high school,” she said, causing her mother to wince. “Not that I wouldn’t see her cause of that, it’s just. I dunno how much we have in common anymore. We haven’t spoken in years and years.”

Her mother took a loud sip of coffee. “Well, you should see one or two at least. We’re social animals.”

Lindsey didn’t respond. She chewed. She wasn’t even sure if she wanted to see the two people she had mentioned. She had been such an unhappy person in high school and had tried to move on from the thoughts and feelings and drama that had sapped so much of her teenage energy. Seeing people from the old days felt like regression.

Her mother squeezed her shoulder and left the kitchen, giving Lindsey a quick “Gladyou’reback” before going out to the backyard. Lindsey played with her eggs as she considered how to approach seeing Katie again, and for god’s sake, Ben. She’d made no announcement on social media that she was back home, and had only quietly removed her job title from her profile. But maybe it’d be nice to grab a drink with Ben, see what he was up to. For as quiet as Lindsey was on social media, Ben was a ghost. And Katie, who had been so kind and so removed from the stupid bullshit of high school. Lindsey hadn’t gotten very close to her, but had certainly grown to appreciate her level-headedness after moving away had given her some space to reflect.

She’d start with Ben. There was a depth of their relationship that seemed easier to plumb. Easier to slip back into the old world.

She texted him before showering, and found herself surprised at how disappointed she was that he hadn’t responded by the time she got out. She puttered around the house, helping her dad with a little gardening and flipping through her mother’s old books. She considered going through her moving boxes and purging the things she didn’t need, but that task seemed Herculean this early in her time back home. That could be a punishment if she hadn’t found a job in a couple of weeks’ time. Motivation.

The hours crept by as she checked her texts every few minutes, hoping something from Ben had come in. She took Goose on a walk (much more slow than the last time she’d walked him five years prior) and tried to remember the names of kids she had played with in the neighborhood. She stopped by the house where she’d be introduced to the concept of weed, before making her way to the house where she’d broken her wrist on a slip ‘n slide.

[kylieryanette]

Life and Decisions

I want to start this blog by apologizing for the delay. We took my son on vacation for his birthday and it took a very big toll on me. I was in flare up for a little over a week and basically just slept the entire time as my blood pressure was hovering around 80/50 and my pulse was struggling to get above 50. These flare ups take a lot out of me, but thankfully I have a wonderful family, son, boyfriend, and best friend who all helped to take care of me and made sure I was ok. Thankfully I was able to pull out of it on my own and I didn't have to go to the ER for fluids this time, progress! So, I've talked a lot about Dirk's side of the family, so I'd like to introduce you to my mother's side.

My grandmother, Carlene, grew up in Bloomfield, IA and was an honors english teacher for years. She passed away on June 24th, 2019, after fighting a thoracic aneurysm. She married my grandpa, Phil, on Christmas day 1965, right before he was deployed to Vietnam. Grandpa was also raised in Bloomfield. They had 3 children, my mom, my aunt Trisha, and finally, their son, Chad (you will find out why I refuse to call him "uncle" later in my blog). They grew up very poor, but full of family love and friendship. Everyone got together for birthdays, holidays, and when we moved to Bloomfield, we would have family dinners on Sundays. It was during this time that I met a lot of the people who would influence my life and decisions later in life. One of these people would have more of an impact than I could even imagine.

I met Austin Owen when I was 3 months old, right after he was born. Our mother's were best friends in high school, and she dated his uncle, Michael, all throughout her high school years. We were also around his paternal family, the Finneran's, quite often during my first few years of life. We would reconnect during the summer between my 6th and 7th grade years, at 12 years old, and we fell in love that summer. A love that would not let go until April 2020, at age 32, 20 years. When we moved back to Bloomfield in December 2002, we decided that we would be together, and we were, for about a year. He broke up with my right before homecoming 2003, and right after my life started to really unravel.

In October 2003, we lost our home in Glenwood, IA to a complete loss fire. Dirk had still been staying there during the week as both of our labradors, Lacy and Drake, were still there and he was still working in Omaha. He had been in Bloomfield that weekend, and the fire happened late Sunday night, after he had gotten home and gotten to bed. Thankfully, the dogs were able to wake him up and alert him of the fire. This should have been the end, but of course, it wasn't. The insurance company refused to pay, and instead, had the fire marshall investigate, and they brought Dirk up on arson and insurance fraud charges, something that would prevent them from getting a mortgage in Bloomfield until the charges were cleared up. This would prove to be the start of the end of my parents marriage.

My mother spent hours upon hours researching, reading the court transcripts and expert reports, doing more work than the lawyers. While she was doing this, Dirk had a girlfriend in Glenwood, and another in Des Moines, which was not anything new as this was a pretty constant thing for him, and he never really tried to hide it, from any of us. At one point, Dirk left while Kaitie and I were at school, draining the bank account, and just disappearing for a while, just to come back a week or so later with gifts, the typical Dirk way of apologizing without actually saying "I'm sorry". Right after this incident came the final straw for my mother. She and Dirk were in a verbal altercation in the living room of our rental house on N. West street in Bloomfield. I was in my bedroom trying to drown out the noise, until I heard Dirk say "you're a fucking cunt". That was it, I was DONE! I came out of my room, pissed as hell, and proceeded to chuck the remote control at his head. I missed, my aim for throwing was never any good. He came barreling at me and I ran into my bedroom, slamming my door behind me. He ripped my door off, pinned me down on my bed, all 120lbs of me underneath his hulking 250+lbs body. He had my by the throat with one hand and his other he had drawn back into a fist, I braced myself for what was coming. Thankfully, my mother came in screaming at him that she was going to call the police. She actually had to insert herself between his fist and me. He released my throat after what seemed like forever, and walked out of the front door. I remember having to remind myself to breathe, as I had been holding my breath during the entire altercation. I cried, she cried, we cried together on my bed holding each other, another bullet thankfully missed because of the quick actions of my mother.

Shortly after this, I started dating a man named Brock. He was smart, funny, and athletic, which is what I wanted at that time. I was so excited to have him meet my family, as Dirk had been back for a couple of days. I brought Brock into the front door and was greeted by mom and Dirk sitting on the couch, Dirks bags and suitcases all packed and ready to go. The first and only thing Dirk said was "I'm leaving", I turned to Brock and said "This is my family", not sure whether to be sad, embarrassed, happy, I had so many emotions flowing through me, it was a lot for my 17 year old mind to process in that instant. Even though I had been miserable, I had always feared being a "statistic", being in a divorce situation, splitting holidays (which turned out to never be an issue), having step-parents/siblings. What would life look like now? How would we do being on our own? He wasn't going to stick around Bloomfield, he made that perfectly clear. He ended up moving to Des Moines, in with a woman who he was proud to have "turned" from being a lesbian to being with him, *insert eye roll here*. He was also seeing a woman named Dawn, from Glenwood during this time. This would be the last time we would all be together under the same roof as a "family".

After Dirk left for good, mom took a job at the local newspaper so that she could be around more and could continue coaching us and being there for everything. This took a huge financial toll on her, and I had gotten my CNA during my junior year in high school, so I got a job at the local care center, working 2-10 on weekends and making around $12/hr, which was amazing for a high school kid. I tried to pay for anything I wanted beyond the essentials. My aunts Jodi and Gina, were gracious enough to pay for my senior pictures, class ring, and graduation materials, as we could not afford it. I continued to maintain my 4.3 GPA, remained active in all of my activities, clubs, choir etc. I took a lot of college classes my junior and senior year, graduating high school as a first semester sophomore in college. I was a very busy kid, but it kept my mind busy so I didn't have to deal with the mental and emotional pain, the physical pain from my medical conditions was still plaguing me, but I'd always been told to "rub some dirt in it and walk it off", so that's the approach I took to every aspect of life. Much easier said than done. I made some horrible decisions during this time.

My last year of high school and first year of college were a big party that included drinking, a lot, smoking pot when I could, smoking cigarettes, sneaking out, and sleeping around trying to find love and connection in anyone I could. I hated myself for a long time because of these decisions, decisions that I have now forgiven myself for because I know where they came from. No, I AM NOT condoning these actions, I'm just giving myself some grace, something I struggled with for years and years. Grace is such a powerful thing, not only to receive, but to give as well. It is amazing how much you can achieve when you learn about grace and its impact in your life. Grace saved me, and it continues to save me every day.

[pocketsizedsam-blog1]

The Unexpected Perks~ Chapter Twenty-One

Pairing: Jared x Reader

Word Count: 2.7k

Warnings: Swearing,Mentions of abuse. 

Beta: @hazza-edward-styles

You and Jared had not seen the kids in over a month. You figured after you and Gen got in that big fight, even though she apologized to you, this was your punishment. She promised she’d have the boys and Odette up in time for Valentine’s Day, because she managed to get all of January off from filming and decided that she wanted to keep them in Idaho for another little while. You couldn’t wait to tell Thomas, Shepherd and Odette about their new sibling! You would’ve told them earlier only you wanted to tell them in person- and you haven’t seen them before Christmas. You left the Ackles place later than expected, on the morning that you and Jared were supposed to fly out, you end up throwing up all over the place. So $459 later, Jared managed to switch the day of your flight. You had a wonderful vacation at the Ackles’ place! You felt closer to Danneel than you ever have been since you met her. You two now have something to bond over, your pregnancy. Danneel was teaching you a lot about pregnancy and you couldn’t wait for them to come up to Vancouver again. You seen Danneel’s doctor in Austin while you were down there, for your eight week appointment. You and Jared loved to see your baby on the ultrasound screen, you knew you’d have a while to wait before you will see your baby in real life, because your due date wasn’t until early August. Now back in Vancouver, with Valentine’s Day closely approaching, you were rushing to find some cute and unique gift for Jared. It was the first time that you actually had to go shopping for a Valentine’s gift, and you were accompanied by Lacee, who was approaching her due date rather quickly,

“What do you think I should get for Jared? I need to get him something really great and really special, considering it’s our first Valentine’s together” You exclaimed.

“Maybe you can pick up a couple of things to make him a homemade gift… He’s that kind of guy.” Lacee smiled, rubbing her baby bump.

“Yeah, you’re right… But what can I pick up? I mean, I’m not all that crafty. At least I don’t think so.”

But, immediately, you thought of an idea. You dragged Lacee to the candy isle and glanced up and down the tall shelves full of candy. You picked up some Swedish Fish, Mints, Gummy Bears and Sweetarts.

“Jared does love candy.” Lacee chuckled.

“He does, which is why this will be totally perfect and totally cute!” You shot her a smile.

Next you dragged your very pregnant friend to the arts and crafts isle, where you picked up some construction paper and fancy markers.

“What are you going to get for Lana?”

“I dunno.” She shrugged. “I haven’t decided yet. This baby might just be enough for this Valentine’s Day.”

“Hey… are you feeling okay? You’ve been off ever since I picked you up.” You worried.

“Yeah, I’m fine, I think I’m just having braxton hicks contractions. They’re not comfortable, but I can assure you, it’s not the real thing.”

You breathed a sigh of relief, “Okay, thank god.”

“This will be you in eight months time, honey.” Lacee teased.

Quickly changing the subject after you went quiet and all color drained out of your face, Lacee asked you about your siblings.

“Adelaide and Adam? Oh, I don’t know. I haven’t talked to them since Addy told me their dad passed away. I offered to have them come stay with Jared and I, but Adam still hates me. I highly doubt he’d want to come all the way up here to Vancouver.”

“Oh… well that sucks.” Lacee sighed.

Changing the subject again, Lacee picked up these cute, wooden letters.

“Lana and I decided on Danielle for a girl and Braden for a boy. I figured I could paint these and put them up on the shelf above the baby’s crib.” Lacee smiled. “I honestly hope it’s a girl, but lana is kind of hoping for a boy.”

“I’m sure you’ll be happy with whatever you get, as long as he or she is happy and healthy.” You smiled softly, watching Lacee pick up more wooden letters to spell both names.

You couldn’t imagine that in around thirty-two weeks time, you would be the one getting ready to give birth. Even just the thought of it was scary.

“What if I’m not ready?” You took a deep breath. “To be a mom- I mean?”

“I’m sure you’ll be ready. You can have lots of practice with my little one when he or she gets here, plus you’re dating a guy who already has three kids of his own. He knows a thing or two about taking care of newborns and I’m sure he’ll teach you all of his tricks. Plus all of your friends are mothers. And you take care of young children for a living. You went to school for taking care of kids, Y/N. Nobody loves little babies more than you do. If anyone’s ready to be a mom… It’s you.” She said confidently.

“Well… Thanks.” You smiled.

You and Lacee went to the cash register and paid for your things.

“Are you hungry? Or will I just drop you off at your house. We’ve probably got enough time before I have to go to the airport with Jared.”

“You can just drop me home, I’m not all that hungry. And by the looks of things�� You aren’t either.”

“Yeah… I’m not much of a big eater after I got pregnant. Baby Padalecki doesn’t let me keep anything down.” You sighed, unloading all your bags into the truck of your SUV.

You hadn’t yet announced your pregnancy to Jared’s fans, you were waiting to tell Tom, Shep, Odette and Genevieve. After dropping Lacee off at her house and making sure she made it in okay, you rushed back to yours and Jared’s house, picking him up so the two of you could both go to the airport. You were curled up in an uncomfy airport seat when you heard the pitter patter of little feet and the familiar voices calling out “Daddy! Y/N!”

“Hi boys.” Jared smiled, pulling both of them into his arms and gave them a big hug.

Odette grunted and pushed away from Genevieve, wanting to get in on the action. You bent down, resting one knee against the floor as Odette waddled over and climbed into your arms. You pressed a kiss against her forehead and held her closer.

“Y/N missed you so much, sweetheart.” You whispered, brushing her growing hair back out of her face.

“Mom mom mom.” She cooed and clapped her hands together.

“I’m not mom mom mom.” You imitated her. “There’s mom mom mom.”

You pointed to Genevieve and smiled up at her. Genevieve gave you a tiny, shy smile back as she opened her mouth to speak.

“I’ve been trying to teach her to say Y/N but it’s no use. She refers to you as mom. I don’t mind though.” Gen shrugged. “You technically are their mom too.”

“It means a lot to me that you’re willing to let them call me mom.” You said timidly.

“Hey, um, speaking about calling Y/N, mom… We… are going to have our own little one to call her mommy.” Jared piped up.

“Oh, no way!” Gen smiled. “Congratulations. I’m happy for you guys.”

There was almost a shred of sadness in her voice and in her smile. You hated the fact that Gen was probably still in love with Jared. But after he moved on too quickly, she never really got the chance to tell him how she really felt. You never hated Gen for that, you just felt bad that she was unhappy. You looked up to Gen and you wanted nothing more than to be her friend!

“Wait… Daddy? What does that mean?” Thomas asked, his voice scratchy.

“It means that Y/N is pregnant, dude.” Jared chuckled. “You’re going to be a big brother again.”

Both Shep and Tom were really excited, whereas Odette was too little to know what being pregnant was.

“Hey, I hope you don’t mind, but… I need a place to stay for a couple of days my flight doesn’t go out until the fifteenth.” Gen inquired.

You and Jared exchanged glances, “of course we don’t mind.”

Always reminded about the fact that Genevieve kissed your boyfriend, you decided it was better to just push it deep down and forget that even happened. You scooped Odette up into your arms and held onto Shep’s hand while Jared and Gen grabbed all of her and the kid’s luggage. Later on that night, after getting the kids and their mom all settled in, the three children called their grandparents on facetime, Gen’s parents were more than happy to see their grandbabies! But then, Gen’s mom, Camille, mentioned something that was a little bit confusing to both you and Jared. Jared pulled Gen out of the room and you followed, leaving the kids to play and talk to their nanny and poppy.

“What did your mom mean when she said she hadn’t seen the kids since New Year’s?” Jared asked seriously.

“What? Jared, it’s mom being funny with the kids!” Gen kept her voice low and hushed.

“Genevieve, do I look like I’m stupid, your mom was being serious. What did you do with the whole extra month that you had with the kids. Where did you go?” Jared grumbled, also trying to stay quiet.

“I was in Austin. I wanted the kids to meet my new boyfriend.” She said shyly.

“When were you planning on telling us about him?”

“When were you planning on telling me that you were having another baby?” She retorted. “You’ve known since Christmas.”

“I never even got to meet this guy before you brought our kids around him.”

“Why does it matter, Jared? He’s my boyfriend… not yours and I can do whatever I want with our kids around him.” She grumbled, mostly sounding unsure of herself.

There was always a fire in Genevieve. If anyone ever said or done something that she didn’t agree with? You best be sure Gen’ll have something to say about it. She wasn’t an unreasonable person, but she stuck up for her beliefs. Nonetheless, to see the look in her eyes… you knew something was wrong.

“You met Y/N before I had her around the kids,” Jared argued.

“She was supposed to only be working for you, Jared. She wasn’t supposed to be something you could- could screw and-and make out with all the fucking time! She was hired to look after our kids, but nevertheless, you made a girlfriend out of her.”

“Y/N isn’t just something I wanted to screw and make out with all the time, Gen, I love her. I love her more than you’ll ever know. She still looks after our kids just fine.”

Even in a fight, you were glad that Gen and Jared never referred to the kids as just one single parent’s kids. You hated that the two were fighting, however. You knew there was something off with Gen and you figured that her ex-husband yelling at her didn’t help her much. You tried to think of different things that you could say, to get Gen alone and talk to her privately. Before you even got any of the words out, Gen had burst out in tears after Jared drilled her with questions. Jared immediately backed off, afraid that all of the things he was saying to her was upsetting her. Absentmindedly, Genevieve wiped her tears off her cheeks. The combined water and swiping motion of Gen’s hands against her cheek revealed things you were sure Genevieve wasn’t ready to talk about. You let out a gasp and took at step closer to her.

“Oh my god.” Jared muttered.

“W-what?” Gen sniffed, wiping her tears away again.

Immediately, your mind jumped to the new boyfriend that Gen has.

“What’s this guy’s name?” Jared clenched his jaw.

“What? Jared, what guy? My boyfriend? Derek Hanigan.” Genevieve sniffed again.

“You may be my ex wife and we may not see eye to eye, but nobody lays a hand on you, Gen. You hear?” Jared said sternly.

“I- I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Genevieve shook her head and brushed all her hair back out of her face.

“You just wiped off all your makeup, Gen.” You started to cry as well, keeping your voice down. “Oh my god, Gen, he hit you.”

“No-no.” She exclaimed. “He would never do that!”

“Then explain the black eye and bruised cheeks, Gen. I know it wasn’t your stepdad. I’ve met him, he would never hurt you. It sure as hell wasn't me or Jensen. So who the hell else was it, if it wasn’t him?” Jared exploded.

“Jared.” You warned. “Follow me, Gen… let’s clean you up. Jared, please head back in there with the kids. Don’t say anything to Gen’s parents until she’s ready to tell them.”

“I won’t, I won’t.” Jared promised.

You brought Gen up to your bedroom and grabbed some of your makeup remover. You sat Gen down on the edge of your bed and cleaned all the makeup off her face revealing another black eye and more bruises.

“Happy Valentine’s Day to you, huh?” You sighed.

“Yeah.” She sniffed. “How did I get myself into this mess? Gosh, I’m sorry, Y/N. Tomorrow is Valentine’s! I’m sure you and Jared had plans Now my sorry ass is here… ruining them.”

“Look, I don’t know about Jared…? But I don’t mind your sorry ass being here. At least you’re not in Austin where your supposed boyfriend is. You don’t have to be sorry.” You concentrated on carefully wiping Genevieve’s cheeks. “You weren’t crashing any plans.”

After convincing Genevieve to stay, you finally got around to making Jared’s Valentine’s Day gift. Odette sat in your lap, watching intently as you wrote. On the swedish fish, you taped a colorful piece of paper which said “You O-Fish-Ally have my heart”. On the package of mints, you stuck another piece of colorful paper with the words “You and Me are Mint to Be!”. You stuck the words “I Love you Beary Much” on the package of gummy bears, and last, but not least, “You’ll Always Be My Sweetheart” was taped to the Sweetarts bag. You pressed a kiss against Odette’s head and sat her on your hip as you headed over to your closet.

“Y/N got you and your brother’s something for Valentine’s Day” You cooed.

The little girl clapped her hands together, “Ma Ma.”

“Yeah, sure, baby.” You smiled.

It still felt unreal that soon, you would have your own, biological kid that would call you ma ma. You reached down and grabbed three little teddy bears, of all different colors and gave the pink one to Odette. There was one pink, one red and one white, each had a heart in the center of it, which said “Happy Valentine’s Day 2018.” Odette grabbed the bear by it’s leg and giggled as she flung it around.

“Let’s go give these to your brothers, huh?” You laughed.

You headed down over the stairs finding, Tom and Shep playing on the floor, whereas Jared and Gen were sitting on the couch talking.

“Here you are, boys! This is from Y/N and Daddy.” You explained, handing Thomas the white one and Shepherd the red one.

“Oh wow! Thanks, Y/N n’ daddy.” Thomas smiled, giving the bear a big squeeze.

You sat on the couch between the two ex-lovers and planted a kiss on Jared’s cheek, “I have your gift upstairs.”

“Ooooh.” Jared grinned cockily and jerked his eyebrows up and down.

“It’s not like that, idiot.” You teased him. “Gen, do you wanna run out to the store with me and pick something up?”

“No. I don’t need anything.” Gen refused.

“I think you do need something.” You grinned, “come on, I’ll get you something for this day of loooooveeee”

“Alright.” She reluctantly agreed. “Let’s go to the store.”

You smiled and set Odette in Jared’s laps.

“Bye, Baby. I’m going to get your ex-wife a Valentine’s Day gift” You teased him, giggling when he nodded his head in agreement.

You danced out to the kitchen and slipped on your shoes, “I think we all need to feel a little love on this day.”

Tag List: 

@invisiblethink1 @nanie5 @reachforthestarsgirl @beckawinchester @internationalmusicteacher @invisibledevour @xthelittlethings @steverogerswhore

[lizzizzie-blog]

d) all of the above

Today is a the anniversary of a significant event in my life. I am resultingly (I might have made this word up but I’m sticking with it) emotional, and instead of baking cookies or wrapping presents or taking a shower or doing laundry or actually getting caught up with my work-work, I am feeling my feelings and I’ve been reflecting on what has been an incredibly intense year. 

Things that happened in 2017:

In the last few days of 2016, I fell in love so hard with a TV show about Norwegian teens. I’ve made friends as a result who I talk to regularly and are super important to me. I’ve taken two trips to meet them (Boston and Philly) and I’ve planned my first real international trip/vacation (Oslo, Norway, January 2018) as a result. Honestly, nobody saw this one coming. 

January: I officially started my new job that it turns out is really really hard and stressful and exhilarating and kicks my ass. I mostly work from home (an adjustment in itself) but also travel frequently. This year I’ve been to: Monroe, Louisiana; Louisville, Kentucky; Atlanta and Newnan, Georgia; Selma, Alabama; Bay City, Texas; Austin, Texas; New York City; Freehold, New Jersey; Milwaukee, Wisconsin; and Las Vegas - some more than once.

In February, I experienced hot springs for the first time in Colorado for my sister-in-law-to-be’s bachelorette party.  

In March, I turned 30. My husband and friends threw a perfect, stupid, fun, whimsical, casual party for me and I felt so lucky. There were Harry Potter puns. There were buttons with my bitmoji on them. There was a dinosaur beer luge ice sculpture and many delicious beers. I got to play and dance to “I Feel It Coming” twice.

In April, I officiated the wedding ceremony of my brother and the aforementioned sister-in-law, in Maryland.

In May, the husband quit his job and we bought a record store. I mean, what?! What!!!

In June, the husband almost cut off his fingers in a hedge trimmers vs. hand incident, resulting in us missing another wedding. That was fun

In July, I married another of my best friends as a co-officiant with another of our best friends, in Michigan.

In August, I saw the total solar eclipse in St. Louis! It was the coolest, spookiest, most amazing thing. Bizarrely moving. During that trip, I also:

Met and held and loved on the baby of someone I grew up with/a childhood bestie, for the first time. Wow. 

Felt a fetus kick inside of a human tummy for the first time ever, and it happened to be my very best friend. A small moment of magic.

In August, I got a tattoo. My first. Possibly only. I’m not sure.

In October, I told myself, and then my husband, and then the internet / People of Facebook, that I’m pansexual, because it’s not a secret. And I was met with all the both incredible support and curious and/or confused questions that people who do that sort of thing are met with. This has been bizarre. 

A few times, I wrote things about myself and published them in a blog and told actual people I know about it. This one is still a struggle too. 

And that’s not an exhaustive list. Plenty of other significant and joyful moments happened with other people I love, as well, including 30th birthday parties and pregnancy announcements and engagements and even a anniversary / birthday / retirement party for the in-laws. I also learned that another of our couple-friends are getting a divorce. The point is... it’s been SO much of significance in so little time. I’ve never been so stressed and scared and tired, but I’ve also never been so thrilled and inspired and in love with other people. I’ve never felt more overwhelmed with life, but I’ve also never been this accepting of myself. It’s been a lot. It’s still a lot. It always is. When I was little, I think I thought that joy and love were the antidote to grief and pain. Or that sadness and stress negated happiness and laughter and light. That these things were mutually exclusive. Now, I’m still constantly struck by how MUCH life is. How many different things I feel during any given year, month, week, day, or moment. But when I reflect, I think I actually learned this early. Joy and pain don’t cancel each other out; they complement and amplify each other. They make each other real, and the reality of life is that we will experience both, and feeling one doesn’t invalidate feeling the other.   I learned this in October of my senior year of high school when I was having the time of my life with my friends in band, dance team, show choir, and the senior play, and then my cousin died, out of nowhere. It was awful and I was confused and angry and devastated, but life didn’t stop. It didn’t stop me loving my friends or having fun in my various activities or falling in love with a boy over the next several months. It was all of that, all at once. It affected me profoundly, every day, but life didn’t stop. My junior year of college, a friend of mine had a really intense health scare that involved passing out followed by emergency surgery, and eventual diagnosis with a genetic disorder that made it very dangerous to operate on her and would mean precarious health going forward. She was my “Partner,” as we were co-Morale-Captains of the Red team for our college’s Dance Marathon event in April, which raised money for Children’s Miracle Network. Planning and organizing for the event began with weekly meetings in the fall, and this committee was incredibly close knit, with Partners put together and assigned colors based on specific shared traits. So, this happened in February, the night before my boyfriend’s birthday. We found out during our weekly meeting, and we left to go to her apartment, where all her sorority sisters were, and essentially held vigil until the surgery was over. It was days before we really knew if she was going to be okay, including Valentine’s Day. I ate a Dove chocolate heart with the message “discover how much your heart can hold.” And that resonated with me so much. I was feeling so much. I kept the wrapper. Taped it to a piece of index card. I still carry it in my wallet. I turned 21 in March, while she was home recovering. I was so sad to be without my Partner on the committee and so worried about her. She, somewhat miraculously, did get to come to Dance Marathon, in her wheelchair. I was so happy she was there. It was such a relief. She got better, and graduated and got a job and got married and bought a house and got a dog. Then, years later, she had another complication, and after multiple attempts to save her, she died. This was a week after my wedding and the day after we got home from our honeymoon. It was horrible, of course, and right in the middle of one of the most loving and joyous times in my life. Again, it was all happening at once. More than I thought my heart could hold. (She was one of the funniest people I’ve ever known. Her humor was clever and quick and biting. So charismatic. Her attention made you feel special and people adored her.) To conclude this meandering, self-involved mess, I need to flash back again. To my senior year of college, fall semester 2008. Dance Marathon had finished the previous spring, and I’d tried out to be my college’s mascot, and gotten it. It was amazing. But it was a secret. Part of our tradition was that nobody is supposed to know who the humans inside the costume were. And so naturally that leads to much speculation about who they are, and we had to be careful to avoid being found out. I was dating a person who’d been the mascot the year before, and we didn’t have any reason to know each other in real life, so we were dating in secret, essentially, as well.

He happened to be best friends with a girl from my hometown, who I’d been friends with in high school, who also went to our college. She’d graduated that spring and was in Cincinnati for her master’s. She invited us down to see her perform in a play for the church she’d joined there - serious production value - 9 years ago today. We were going to stay with her for the weekend, too. At the play, she was flying around suspended on a harness high up in the air for her role as a wise man. Maybe 20 minutes in, at the end of a song, she struck a pose, her hardness malfunctioned, and she fell to the floor. I don’t remember much of what happened next, but our seats were very high up and we could not see at all what was happening. Somehow they stopped and everyone filed out and they called an ambulance. Somehow her friends found us and we got to the hospital with them. We waited hours. Eventually her parents arrived, met with doctors, and asked us to leave. We drove all the way back to our college town and crashed. A few hours later, her friend called my boyfriend, waking us up, to tell her they had removed her from life support and she had died. It was, of course, traumatic, tragic, and devastating. It was such a bizarre time. So hard, and so painful. Some of my worst days ever. But at the same time, set during the backdrop what was objectively the time of my life. I was a senior in college and I was the mascot. Literally living a dream of mine, having an absolute blast. Then this, in the middle of finals …  having to tell my professors what had happened and why I needed extra time. I skipped my only mascot event the night of the day we found out she died.

After that, mascotting became an escape from it. A place where I could go for a few hours and forget my shit. I could focus on entertaining others, on nothing but being an anonymous vessel of enthusiasm and joy and love, on the eventual physical exhaustion of it. A way to clear my head. And then Christmas was happening, and right back to the next semester. Life didn’t slow down. It was everything at once. Horrific and traumatic and devastating, but the love I experienced in speaking with other people who knew her after she died, of meeting people she knew who looked up to her the same way that I did, the joy of living my dream and escaping reality as the mascot, the way my boyfriend and I somehow got each other through that time ... all of it was real and valid and happening, too. Looking back on that time 9 years ago, I don’t know how I survived. But, that’s sort of what we always do, isn’t it? We love the shit out of each other and we get by. And the weird thing is, December and the holidays are still the same now… the circumstances are ever-changing, of course, but there’s always the painful melancholy of missing people that you love, coupled with the stress of it all, then combined with so much warmth and comfort. It’s a lot. It’s all of it at once. And we’re doing it together. Life is rich, y’all. <3

“So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.”  ― The Perks of Being a Wallflower

[tsgcharlottesvillevirginia]

24 Hours with Kristin Watson of pūrvelo

As owner of pūrvelo, a cycling studio Kristin founded in 2015, with locations here in Charlottesville, Auburn, Chapel Hill and Athens, her days are filled to the max. Any given day will find her in one of the four cities where her studios reside — or Austin — where her husband is currently cross country / track and field coach at The University of Texas. But on this particular day, she’s here at her home base in Cville. Follow along as she takes us through 24 hours in her busy day, from her early morning wake up to self-imposed lights out. 

5:47 a.m.:  As terrible as this is… this is sleeping in and waking up without an alarm. My eyes open and I lay there for about five minutes before I let me feet touch the floor.

6:00 a.m.: I do a playlist run through for today’s classes. Who needs coffee when you have music pumping you up! I usually spend the night before finding music, as well as planning out my choreography. But I like to take about an hour before my class to run through it. It makes for a funny sight. Picture bed head hair, plaid pajamas, headphones, and the use of the kitchen counter as my “bike handlebars.”

6:30 a.m.: Coffee is brewing. Fun Fact: I never liked coffee until I was in my early 30’s. I like it pretty much white and argue regularly with some folks that milk is not the same as half and half.  Jenny at Paradox Pastry turned me on to heavy cream in my coffee, so if I have it available that’s my go to. I find making coffee in the morning more of a ritual.  It helps bring a calm presence to my morning. There is something therapeutic about the warm mug and the first sip.

7:00 a.m.: My husband is currently at our Austin home. With purvelo in Charlottesville and his work in Texas, we split time between both homes. I always start my mornings with a FaceTime call to send him my love, have a good laugh and kickstart the day. I would have called him the moment I woke up, but they are one hour behind us and often times when I do that, he gives a laugh and a “WATSON…” I just pretend every time that I forgot about the time change! 

7:40 a.m.: I head out the door to grab my second cup of coffee at Mudhouse over on Tenth Street and just down the hill from the studio.  It’s a new location for them and it’s amazing. They take good care of me there. Again, nothing fancy, coffee with cream to go.

“I will never be able to find the words to explain to all of our riders how much they fill my cup.”

7:50 a.m.: Finally making my way into the studio. I like to get to the studio with plenty of time to get my bike set, my music ready and be sure the environment is top notch. I take the next 30 minutes to make my to-do list for not only the day, but also the week. I break my to-do lists into two main categories, work and home. My home category is usually reminders like groceries, doctors appointments, send a written thank you card, and sometimes just to take a breath. My work to do list is a bit more complex. I break that into five sub-categories: I typically have a list for each studio with the managers name, and then one for what we reference as HQ, that consists of things that pertain to all studios. We have four studio locations with pūrvelo and I am in charge of making sure they all run smoothly by enrolling the managers at each location.  

8:30 a.m.: Guests start to arrive for the 9:00 a.m. class. I put my to do list away and make a conscious effort to be present for our community of riders. I cherish the relationships I have with each and every one of them. I will never be able to find the words to explain to all of them how much they fill my cup. So many smiles and laughs each and every day.

9:00 a.m.: I step on the podium to teach. Today’s class is full of energy… the summer can be a tough time for small business owners in Charlottesville with numbers typically dwindling at the studio as our student clientele heads out of town from a break from school and our adults pop in and out of vacation with the families.

9:45 a.m.: Class finishes. It’s our typical lobby excitement as everyone walks out of the room a changed individual. Every ride is different and creates change.  Some big, some small, but either way, 45 minutes of commitment to themselves with zero distractions. The to-do lists go away, the stressful situation takes a pause, and you walk out of the room with a clearer space then what you entered. 

10:00 a.m.: I work on inventory prep for the Athens studio. I take 30 minutes to pull pieces from our collection to send down for our Athens team to have ready for opening day.  

10:30 a.m.: Manager Call Monday! Every Monday I have a call with all four managers where we use the time to go through any number of things that vary week to week based off their business recaps (which they send to me every Saturday), trainings for new up and coming things, game plans for the start of the school year, etc. This week we dedicated the entire hour to school year prep and where we need to be and what we need to be doing to continue to grow our community of riders.

11:45 a.m.: Finalize the merch pull for Athens.

12:00 p.m.: Head home for breakfast for lunch.I am not a big eater in the morning prior to teaching. It doesn’t work for everyone, but as I have gotten older I have gotten a finicky stomach and like to keep it light. If I do need to eat something before I teach I usually have berries. Otherwise I usually wait until after my manager call. Today I made soft boiled eggs, hash browns and toast.  

12:30 p.m.: I sit down to tackle my emails that have come through over the weekend. I made a goal for myself about two years ago that I would take at least one day a week off from answering any emails. Certain times of the year I can get away with it, and other times I can not.  Today is a success: I haven’t looked at them since Saturday evening.

1:40 p.m.: Quick trip to Charlottesville Dermatology to make sure I am doing a good job with sunscreen. Fair skin, blonde hair, and green eyes always makes these check ups interesting!

2:45 p.m.: Once back home I realize I’ve slacked on my water intake today,  so I gulp down a bunch and also have a snack of watermelon.

2:50 p.m.: Finish up any need-to-answer emails and file the rest away for later this evening or even Tuesday morning, post to the @purvelocville Insta. Social media is my nemesis. I struggle on the daily to keep up with all of it.

3:00 p.m.: I begin to finalize our internship training program for pūrvelo. We have been working on this for the last two months and are just about ready to pull it all together so that we can utilize it at the start of the school year. We break our business into several different pillars and have created trainings for each of the pillars to help provide a sound business internship that is not only beneficial for the studio, but also our interns who learn real business skills applicable to tons of situations.

4:15 p.m.: Back to the studio to teach. 

4:30 p.m.: The afternoon classes are getting ready to roll! Today Alex is hitting 100 classes.  Alex is the owner of Red Star Merch, and he has been a client since our humble beginnings in 2015. But Alex travels for work A LOT, so it has been a huge accomplishment for him to finally tackle this.

4:45 p.m.: Class starts.

5:30 p.m.: Class finishes and we move quickly as the 5:45 p.m. class is ready to get in there and let loose!

5:45 p.m.: The door closes and Brenna (a 4th grade school teacher) takes to the podium. I begin to help the interns run through their check list so that they can then help me print shipping labels for the Athens merch, as well as divide, box and ship, marketing materials for all four studios. I often find the hardest part of running four studios in four different towns breaks down into just staying organized. Sometimes I nail this! Other times I fail miserably. Either way, I am incredibly grateful that I have teams at all locations that rally behind me and help me when I need it the most.

6:30 p.m.: Class lets out. The interns and I, plus some teachers who stopped by, begin to clean the bikes and have a little impromptu dance party in the studio.

“This company is built off of the belief that all of our people are learning, creating, failing, and growing both big and small.”

6:45 p.m.: Kelly (our soon to be new teacher) takes to the podium while we are all dancing and leads us through a few of her songs she has been practicing. We all give her feedback. This company is built off of the belief that all of our people are learning, creating, failing, and growing both big and small. It’s a culture of growth and we all pitch in to make it work.

7:30 p.m.: Time to head home for the night.

7:40 p.m.: Dinner prep: Boil Potatoes, prepare hard boiled eggs, chop tomatoes, onions, fresh dill. I mix potatoes, chopped eggs and remaining ingredients in a bowl with red wine vinegar, olive oil, salt and pepper. Toss on top of a bed of arugula and dinner is served. I also may or may not have had some pretzels and Pringles potato chips while I was preparing dinner. 

8:00 p.m.: FaceTime with Peter to recap the day! My husband and I have done this living apart thing five different times in the 20 years we’ve been together. We always laugh at how far technology has come so that we can actually see one another.  At one point in our relationship, Peter was living in Kenya, as he was a professional runner and he had to walk to the next village over just to use a phone to call me! 

8:30 p.m.: It’s shower and pjs’s time! I crawl into bed and scroll through my to-do’s, crossing off everything that was completed and making notes next to the remainder of the times on the list.  I pull the reports from all of the studios, check the rosters for tomorrow in the Charlottesville Studio and then shut the computer.

9:00 p.m.: Quick phone call to check on my parents. I talk to my mom and dad every day. As we all get older I look forward to hearing about their adventures for the day and consider myself very lucky to have such a tight connection with them.

9:10 p.m.: I read the news.

10:00 p.m.: Lights out.

pūrvelo Charlottesville | The Lark Building, 1000 Main St. | 434-996-7250 | info@purvelocharlttesville.com

Photograph of Kristin Watson by Ashley Cox. 

[kostovas]

my diary post about my feelings before going to college

august 22, 2017, 10:06 pm, my room in El Paso

The way that I tend to deal with my problems/worries is that I don’t think about them and ignore them and keep ignoring them until they get so big that I’m forced to think about and deal with them.

That is basically what I have been doing this entire summer. I don’t even remember the last time I wrote in my diary and I’ve decided to start typing it out instead since I’m afraid I won’t have the motivation to literally write out my diary in COLLEGE, aka, the problem/worry, which branches out into a bunch of other little problems/worries (I’m going to be living 10 hours away from home, what if I mess up while doing the laundry, what if the work is too hard, my parents are going to be sad,) that I have been pushing away

Although to be honest about 90% of the summer consisted of me in my room writing fan fiction or watching Netflix or scrolling through twitter, I still really didn’t think much about it…

Orientation? Did I even write about it? It was fine, it was good, I instantly clicked with my roommate sara, yes, same name as me, and my orientation-roommate was nice but I have a weird after-taste about her because she told me she was Latina because although she is German Swedish Irish french Spanish insert a billion other super white ethnicities here, her mom is from New Mexico!

Orientation just felt like a more cramped, panicked version of NSLC camp which I went to last year. NSLC was like, a random pocket-universe where I met new people who I spontaneously had a lot in common with and thought about my future in entertainment business with just for fun. Orientation is where I met new people who I very un-spontaneously had at least one thing in common with, starting ut, and thought about my future for real.

I feel like I’ve got some things down, aka my class schedule and what music I could potentially listen to while walking around campus (my Austin playlist is a lot of vampire weekend and sza and I know that sounds like a weird combo but it feels insanely fitting) but for the most part I still very much have ABSOLUTELY ZERO IDEA WHAT I AM DOING!

I…. AM PANICKING BIG TIME RIGHT NOW… I CRIED LIKE A MINUTE BEFORE I STARTED WRITING THIS… WHICH I HAVE NOT DONE (at least not over anything that wasn’t a book or a tv show or a movie) THIS ENTIRE SUMMER!!!

This summer, although filled with a lot of nothing and empty spaces, felt so perfect and so teenage-me. Maybe not truly me, truly what I would have done in my perfect world, but just… what I would do as a teenager. I know I’m still technically going to be a teenager for at least awhile in college, but, not like this. Not the El Paso bred high school boredom tennis court by Lorde Gilmore girls crying teenager. I’ll be something else, whatever it is, and I have no idea what. I am afraid to meet her. I am excited I am scared I am going to vomit all over this new computer I bought for college

I went to a lot of movies this summer, mostly with nicole and mostly at the Alamo draft house and mostly before they came out (baby driver, good time, which I both liked but baby driver way more).

I got my drivers license and I passed the test by literally oNE POINT

I drove by myself to nicoles apartment and we had weird conversations about our psychic feelings and premonitions about our own lives and deaths. That was the first time I drove by myself and it was for about five minutes and I sung out loud to dua lipa the entire time because I feel like falling asleep any time I go in a moving vehicle and theres no music and my dad drove me back later because it was raining.

I also drove to pick up alondra the Friday before she left for college. Her first day of school was today and she left like a week early. She’s in South Carolina at college of Charleston and I’m even scared for her. We got chick fil a and went home and talked about da Vinci and being Latina outside of El Paso and random memories and feelings and nothing and everything and nothing again

I hung out with my grandpa a lot, who has been staying here all summer. Yesterday he showed me a picture of my great grandpa who I had never seen before and I was so shocked, he looked like a real Mexican movie star cowboy, I have no idea what John Wayne looks like but he should look like my great grandpa, panfilo vela. Yesterday in particular my grandpa worried about pregnant women because the solar eclipse was happening and they were not wearing safety pins, a latino superstition he said so firmly as a scientific fact that I was really confused and briefly wondering if there was some sort of pregnant women’s medical pin. My dad said ‘that’s part of his charm’’ believing things so intensely, I guess. I think I got some of that from him

I went to San Antonio last week with tia 1 and valerie and Abuelita and my family. Tia 2 is usually the one to go on vacations with us, but she has this new best friend who she is in a two-person cult with, with her BFF/Bestie/Twinsie (yes, she is a 40+ year old woman, who calls her that) being the leader and her being the devout follower, paying for all her tickets to schiltterbaun and the movies and everything she buys while shopping and all her food and yelling at her employees for getting mad at her for something to do with a water bottle I don’t know but it’s definitely throwing off the balance of the universe.

But it was fun, tia 1 is very loud and charismatic and doesnt give any fucks and now I like to say “no mas mis chicharrones truenan aqui” also I am mad I am not more tan

I learned how to make crepes I have made at least 7 successful ones

Okay. so. crying. Here’s a text I sent to the vampire weekend group chat earlier:

(redacted) I really feel like my dad raised me mostly and he just took me out to the fanciest dinner of my life as a “father-daughter dinner” before college and he ran into some friends who were older than him and they were like “ur gonna miss her it’s gonna suck!” And I think my dad almost cried and we talked about heaven in the car and now I’m home and there’s boxes in my room and I’m staring at them and crying

end text

My dad put together those boxes for me with longhorn tape. Burnt orange duct tape with white longhorn shapes on them, literally That’s where my arts and crafts related headassery comes from

I’m going to be staying in a dorm at UT with my own restroom and now I’m thinking do I even really know how to clean a shower NOT REALLY

I’m gonna end up googling it while I’m there

I feel like I don’t actually know how to iron like I’m doing it wrong for sure

The restaurant was called cafe central it’s in downtown El Paso which I think is really truly beautiful even though objectively it’s ugly I’m super emotional and so I think it’s extremely beautiful and it’s just. I feel . It’s just how I feel.

I feel so in touch with the El Paso city it doesn’t even feel real. I feel like all the abandoned buildings are just cardboard cutouts and I have the power to knock them over with my fingertips. the homeless guys there don’t even scare me that much even though they probably should, not even the old lady with the bandaids all over her hands who stole Isaac’s hot dog once

god. That dinner was so fancy and I kept thinking about all these early 2000s chick flicks where a girl eats in a fancy restaurant for one reason or another and I kept thinking about how I love my dad and I kept thinking about how why do we need four different knives and I kept thinking about how that place started in 1918 so it probably wouldn’t have allowed someone who looked like my dad in there for awhile but there I was sitting with my dark brown dad eating food with names and ingredients I have literally never heard of and the chocolate cake melted into itself and chamomile tea is a gift from god

I read a lot of matt Murdock fanfiction today.

How am I 18 years old? I don’t want to… do anything ever… I want to read fan fiction and lay face down on the floor, but not even those two things can be accomplished at the same time.

NOTE: (redacted) means I took something out in case some certain irl people read this, maybe I should’ve taken the thing about tia 2 out but, well, I am somewhat at peace with death

[dfnews]

Episode Recap of "Joy Gets Engaged"

Season 4, Episode 6 - July 10, 2017

Only five weeks of new episodes this season plus two weeks of Duggar after show crap. This has got to be the shortest season ever. The season started with Joy's wedding and ended with her engagement. The Duggars are backwards type of people so that makes sense. They didn't even get to the wedding prep yet! Hopefully they'll just skip that and move on to Joe and Kendra's wedding.

This week:"Jinger makes a care package for the family back in Arkansas. Meanwhile, the Dillards prepare to return to Central America; Austin has an important question for Joy; and Joe asks for permission to enter a courtship with Kendra."

1. Austin is planning to propose and DerJill are planning to go back to El Salvador. Somebody remind me why they came back home in the first place. I think it was it for Jinger's wedding and to get pregnant away from the Zika virus. Anyway, they took a vacation from their vacation throughout the fall and returned in March for just a few months only to return again. Derick really needs to give up the phony missionary gig.

2. Izzy is helping Jill cook and is quickly expanding his vocabulary. His deep voice is too cute. Izzy's babbling counteracts Jill's inane limited vocabulary. They are preparing for a last supper with Derick's family. Derick's brother and wife arrive and sidehug Jill. Derick's mom arrives and Derick sidehugs her and almost forgets to greet his stepfather. Derick doesn't refer to Ronny as his stepfather, just his mom's husband. Ronny seems like a sweet guy. I don't know why Derick seems cold to him. Derick and Jill say they have to take all the hot showers and eat all the food they have left before they go but Derick adds, not in a gluttonous kind of way. They live down the block from the compound in the Duggars' guest house. I'm sure one of the Duggar kids will pop over to finish up the Dillards' food. And the first world problem of not having hot water or good food as a missionary living among the poor does not need to be mentioned. Nobody has any empathy for your minor self-entitled problems. You choose to live among the poor, you should live as they do. Stop whining!  Just a dinner with 6 adults and they still use paper plates and plastic forks. Lazy! Jill gives Derick's mom her engagement ring so some gang member doesn't cut off her finger for the stone. Meh! Just like living in any big American city. You don't wear the bling on the streets. This is not solely a Central American crime issue. My sister sold me one of her rings because she was afraid to wear it in Manhattan where she lived.  Anyway, Jill rarely leaves the house on SOS Ministries property. She'll be fine unless she pisses the gangs off by liking dumb comments on twitter about wanting them to be executed. Uh oh! She already did that.  At dinner they talk about Jill's pregnancy and how they'll deal with any problems in Central America but assure the TV audience that they will not be having the baby on the mission field like the Shraders. They didn't bring up the Shraders but I will. Esther Shrader is Anna's sister and she has had several babies in Zambia as a missionary. The Dillards will be coming home to the good old inconsistent US healthcare system. I'm glad they did because it seems there were major problems with this birth. The family has been very hush hush about Samuelito's and Jill's health since Sam was born.

3. Jinger goes shopping to send a care package to her family back home. Buy used and save the difference is thrown out the window. She is not thrifting today. Why is she sending a care package in March when this seems to have been filmed? Because TLC needed something to film and would pay for it. Jinger says she gets to escape the apartment when Jeremy isn't home to shop and explore but I wonder if that is true. Jinger needs to get a job or volunteer somewhere so she isn't wasting her god-given life by just staying home rinsing out Jeremy's taco stains. Jinger arrives home to the apartment with the loot where Jeremy is waiting. They quickly pack everything up and ship them out. Those two are so not exciting. I thought JinJer in Texas would bring some life into this show. I was wrong. I believe the Duggars have created a new form of entertainment called Coma TV. A new channel for those needing help getting into that deep sleep state to escape all their problems and pain. Instead of anesthesia, operating rooms now have Counting On turned on during surgery. It works like a charm. I fell asleep watching this episode myself.

4. Derick decides to cut his hair before going back to El Salvador after growing it out for 16 months. He says he just found out that long hair is seen differently in the country and he doesn't want to offend or distract from his purpose of being there. Ummm, he just found this out? Derick thinks a lot of himself doesn't he. I doubt his information is true but I did find this article that he may want to read. It's about government soldiers who have become more dangerous than gangs in El Salvador. https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/feb/06/el-salvador-gangs-police-violence-distrito-italia  DerJill's and SOS Ministries presence in El Salvador has done nothing and never will. The country is a human rights mess.  

5. Benessa just happen to drop by the compound when JinJer's packages are delivered. They explore Laredo candy by making rude comments and Josiah puts on a mask with fake hair that causes Jason to say at least it has hair. Snap! Poor balding Josiah. Just wait a few years Jason. You are in the same genetic boat as Josiah. Again Jed is missing from this big group family scene. Jed has apparently taken leave from the show and the family after Joe stole his girl. I'm worried about the kid. I'm hoping he hasn't been sent away to some abusive christian camp. The family then goes to the airport to say goodbye to DerJill+Iz and Jeer is there but I don't see his twin. Then the self-entitled so-called missionaries fly back to El Salvador in their first class seats to their air conditioned home with their own armed guards on duty. Poor babies.

6. Austin sets up for a proposal with a Deliverance twist. Joy is kept busy at Jessa's house. Jessa makes her change her sexed-up sheets and clean the baby snot and puke off of the couch. The same couch she birthed Hank on. This alone should have caused Joy to reject Austin's proposal and catch the first flight out to Canada to live the life of a free woman. But no, she stays and accepts the future snot in her life. Austin and his dad worry about remembering the ring and the bandana. The ring is to symbolize the love between the two and their promise to marry and the bandana/blindfold is to symbolize future kinky sex. Maybe that's why she stayed.

7. Austin sets up a rough outdoors engagement scene. They will be barbecuing venison which they murdered together. One of the guys drops the grill rack in the dirt as they set up and I hope Joy brought dental floss to get the pebbles and dust out of her teeth. Joy arrives with Jenni and Hannie in her Mercedes. You get nice things when you sacrifice your life to keep the family show going. The girls get on their horses, though Jenni has to ride with Austin, and take off into the creepy winter woods. The camera crew pretends to hide in the woods and take long shots but I'm sure Joy knew they were there. There weren't really good places to hide with the leaves being down and it was daytime plus Joy was mic'd up. Then things get really creepy. Austin demands the little girl chaperones run up the trail leaving him and Joy alone. That's not what chaperones are supposed to do but girls in this cult are taught to never question a man. Then Austin asks Joy if he can blindfold her. She asks, "What are you gonna do?" I'm sure she's having flashbacks of Josh at this point. Now if Joy was really alone and this happened and of course she has been taught to be submissive to men, then Joy could have been in deep shit. This could have been Doug Phillips' nanny all over again. Austin leads blindfolded Joy down a dirt road to the edge of a cliff. Kind of symbolic for a fundie girl's path in life. He gets down on one knee and tells her to take the blindfold off. I've been telling the Duggar girls to do that for years. Then he proposes and she says yes and I mentally jump off that cliff.

8. As they prepare to eat into the sunset I notice Joy's jacket has magically appeared. She wasn't wearing it on the horsie ride. I'm sure Jim Bob and Michelle are sitting atop some deer stand watching this unfold to make sure nobody backs out. Jim Bob has a new plane he wants to buy. The talking head kids are asked another lame question. How long do you think the engagement will be? Three months is the most popular and the correct answer. Just long enough for the new season to begin.

9. Joe is getting ready to ask ignorant Pastor Caldwell for his teenage daughter's hand in courtship. Joe says, "He wasn't looking for a relationship but the Lord just kind of brought her to mine or mind." Joe tends to mumble. Actually, it seems Jim Bob and the Pastor brought Kendra to Joe after ripping her away from Jed. You know, God speaks directly to Jim Bob and told him Joe was the right one not Jed which is exactly the same thing that happened to Cain and Able. Buttinsky parents thinking they are God tend to mess everything up for everyone. Joe talks about him being only the second guy in the family to enter into a courtship. Actually, Josiah was also but his girl split. The Duggars didn't take a chance this time because the Caldwells are very close friends and they won't let that happen again. The other married Duggar guy, Josh, has also been a huge failure so a lot is riding on shy, nervous Joe. Joe mumbles his way through this scene and the pastor says they've already talked about this for 60 hours, so it's a yes. Joe romantically (LOL) plans to take Kendra to a car auction and then to the place where he grew up, the house that was demolished and turned into a parking lot, to ask her to court. What a doofus!