#but my miraculous obsession has crippled me

[yolowritter]

Hello there everyone, and welcome back to part 2 of this Au! So, I'll put forth a quick recap from last time and let everyone know what's happening in the rest of the story, yeah? Cool, now let's move right along!

Disclaimer: I’ve been gone from Tumblr for a while now, due to myriad of technical issues + prioritizing AO3 and IRL work. It’s a long story, but not to worry, I am now back and will actually remember to post frequently. Anyway, on with the AU!

As a reminder: The premise here is that Lila's grandmother (from the embassy mom's family, since until they explain this 27 mothers thing Lila has going on I am going to ignore it) once lived in Paris in the 1940s, and befriended Fu and Marianne as they were hiding the Miraculous away. Long story short, during that scene in S5 where they're escaping, Grandma Rossi gets the Fox Miraculous and helps them do so, eventually returning to Italy before Fu has deemed it safe enough to return for it. Many years later, she ends up revealing Trixx to Lila and passes the Fox onto her when her granddaughter says she's going to Paris, and tells her to be very, *very* careful with it. Lila immediately proceeds to nearly out herself with the Volpina incident. But don't worry, it's fine, she manages to get out of that situation without too much trouble. Now she's offered to be Adrien's friend, and so has Marinette. In the meantime, she's also waiting for a good oppurtunity to transform again, and try to convince Ladybug and Chat Noir that she is not a supervillain. For details, check the previous post.

Anyway, onto the rest of the show! Things stay the same for a few episodes, or...almost. Because Lila is friends with Adrien now, and by proxy Marinette who is putting her crush aside to make sure Lila isn't getting him in any trouble by also being Adrien's friend, our beloved...anti-heroine? Yeah, sure, why not? Our beloved anti-heroine happens to also get to know Alya and Nino failrly well, discreetly using Alya to get info on Ladybug and Chat Noir under the guise of helping with her blog, and Nino just for the playlists. Listen, Lila's taste in music ain't the most varied, so if there's good tunes in Nino's lists, she wants to have them too. Anyway, her friendship with the group develops more and more as she basically tries to be on her best behavior. Now...like I said last time, Lila isn't exactly the most moral person, or has any problems about absolutely (verbally) clobbering someone (meaning Chloe, most of the time) who is annoying her. And since Paris' Perfect Princess™ also happens to be a bully and screams at the same amount of decibels as a banshee before *anyone* has had their morning coffee, Lila joins up with Marinette and Alya to make sure nobody puts up with Chloe's BS.

As a consequence of this, she develops genuine friendships. I know, how horrible! But Lila isn't quite sure *how* friendship works, aside from her just holding back her snarky comments and being generally nice to the girls. So...as Marinette slowly begins to trust her more since Lila seems to just...not be going after her crush, our anti-heroine is left grappling with what exactly it means to even have friends in the first place, and if her bonds with the gang are even real considering she's mostly pretending when around them. This all comes to a head when Alya invites Marinette and Alya for a sleepover at her house...and cue the Sapotis episode to screw up everyone's night. Low and behold, there's no Rena Rouge to help LB and CN out, and since Alya ran off looking for her sisters, and Marinette is "missing" (AKA Ladybug atm), Lila finds herself alone at the house. Now, logically, she should wait this out until the heroes deal with the Akuma, since it's none of her business. Then again...there's *something* nagging her in the back of her head, a kind of itch that just makes her want to go out there do something instead of being stuck inside waiting. Could it possibly be that she's grown to care for Alya and doesn't want to see her upset? ...nah, probably the boredom! On she goes to transform and jump out the window!

Oddly enough, she notices her costume has changed a little bit since the last time. It's still very much Volpina, but this time she looks a bit more like a real fox. Slightly fluffy, swishing tail, tiny bits of fur on her ears and the ability to flick them at will (yes I will be using this to show her emotions, since I find it adorable when Chat does it), and her fangs are a bit more pronounced. Does this reflect Lila's feral nature as a total chaos gremlin? Absolutely it does! Trust me, she's a troll and it gets so much better! Anyway off she goes jumping around rooftops trying to find Alya, until eventually she comes across Ladybug, who is just kinda jumping around seemingly for no reason (She's trying to get to Fu's place without being seen by the Sapotis). Naturally, Lila jumps ahead of her and peeks her head out from behind a chimney. Ladybug yelps so hard that she physically staggers back, and Volpina finds this incredibly funny. So do I Lila, so do I... After a short moment of Marinette doing a double take, she kinda looks at Volpina with confusion. It goes something like this:

Ladybug: "Wait...Lila?" she asks, confusion evident on her face.

Volpina: "Nope, name's Cerise!" she quickly corrects her, a wide grin on her face. "I- wait, I wasn't supposed to say that! Uh...sorry!" the fox heroine yelps back, pinching the bridge of her nose. "The name's Volpina! The real one this time, promise!" she sing-songs with a tiny bow.

Ladybug: "You're the real Fox Holder?" Ladybug raises an eyebrow, clearly skeptical.

Volpina: "Yeah, Trixx absolutely adores me! So, how can I help ya miss Bug?" she asks, a chaste grin etching itself on her face. She seems almost feral, and Marinette decides to look her over.

Ladybug: Her lucky charm flashes over Volpina's form, and Ladybug examines her. It...looks like Lila's Akumatization, but also not? Her hair is a tad more orange, almost like there's faded highlights at the end of her bangs, and Volpina looks more *real*, like an actual fox rather than just a girl in a costume. "Uh...any chance you'll help us with the Akuma?" she asks again as the girl keeps flashing red in her vision, indicating she's the solution to her lucky charm.

Volpina: Volpina *grins*, flicking her tail at Ladybug. "Oh, I'll be happy to! Lead the way!" she chuckles playfully, almost like she's having fun with all this. Still Marinette jumps ahead of her, leading Lila back into the fray.

Cue the Sapotis-Land illusion and the Akuma's defeat, and Volpina hiding away the moment the fight is done so Ladybug and Chat Noir can't ask her any questions. Lila makes it back to Alya's place just in time, and jumps through the window, flopping on the couch just as the other girls also come back. She naturally makes herself look like she's been lounging around, and Marinette doesn't suspect her.

Worth mentioning that Lila was just pretending beforehand, and that Cerise is gonna be her supposed "real name" as Volpina, to throw off suspicion from her being Lila. Since Cerise doesn't actually exist in this AU (just like Lila's other 200.000 identities), it'll just be a cameo. From that day on, Lila joins Akuma fights every now and again, slowly growing into the Ladynoir banter and proving herself as an ally of sorts, while still blue skidoo-ing away before they can ask her questions. Look, she's in the *process* of crafting a new identity, this stuff ain't easy! After a couple weeks, she ends up eavesdropping on LB and CN while they're having that convo in Glaciator, where she tells him that she's got plans and whatnot. Ladybug leaves like normal, but Lila smells a wee bit off stupidity in the air, and decides to teach our dear furry a few things about how scheduling works. Low and behold, Lila actually ends up giving really good advice to Chat Noir even while actively trolling! Isn’t she miraculous? Anyway, I’ll need to go into waaaaaaay more detail about this in the next part of this AU, but I will save the specifics for part 3!

I’ll see you all soon, but until then, Stay Miraculous!

[donnerpartyofone]

ACK I almost stepped on Jesus on my way home from church! Good thing I missed! Actually if I were writing a movie about persecuted Christians where someone tries to make them trample the cross and stuff, I'd have them say "Sure man, I'll trample the cross, I'll shit on the Bible. You think my God is trapped in there? That I step on him like a bug and he dies? Let's try it and find out!" as per the great thing they discuss in STIGMATA. STIGMATA is the one where Patricia Arquette stars as a sexy raver chick who gets possessed and then sexy priest Gabriel Byrne has to solve a religious mystery with her that changes the world. It's the best movie and you should definitely watch it.

LOVE the tag line on poster #2. Anyway one of the priests who is a main reason I've been going to this great church for a year gave a homily this morning about a piece of scripture I'd heard before, but not in this way. Jesus encounters a cripple at a healing spring in Bethesda and asks him, "Do you want to be made well?", and instead of saying "OH MY GOD YES OF COURSE MAKE ME WELL IMMEDIATELY," the guy starts complaining evasively about how he can never get into the water because everyone else is faster than him. Jesus heals the guy anyway and says "Pick up your mat and walk," and then the guy instantly gets in trouble with the authorities for carrying his mat around on the sabbath, and by extension Jesus is in trouble for working on the sabbath. The Bible usually sounds pretty antique to put it mildly, and therefore kind of alien and artificial, but when I heard that story today suddenly it was like "Oh shit, people really act like this right now. All the time." Somebody asks you what you want and you don't know how to say "I WANT THIS EXACT THING AND I'M READY TO GET IT," you might not even know precisely what you want, or you're just so used to making excuses and being passive aggressive and protecting yourself from disappointment and trying not to be inappropriate that you have no ability to be direct or speak from a place of self-knowledge. And then on the part of the Pharisees, they're so concerned with the litigation of their religion that they can't even see the miraculous evidence of God appearing right before their eyes, they're too blinded by their obsession with technicalities and the pre-fabricated template for divinity to notice that what they would ultimately want is happening now. It doesn't appear in the way they expect it to, so they don't even see it. Modern people are exactly like this. You encounter all these behaviors on a daily basis if you interact with other people at all.

I love this priest and at least one other guy who is really surprising and inspired, enough that I've been going there for a year of my life. But I sometimes feel like I'm leading them on. I love gay people and abortions too much to formally convert, among other reasons. But I also realize that religion is about emotion. You're supposed to love God more even than you concern yourself with his factuality. For me religion is a bit too much of an intellectual exercise. I'm curious about the mechanics of belief, how it rewards people, what kinds of changes it manifests, what it is as a psychological phenomenon. And more abstractly I'm interested in how people seek encounters with the numinous, how they explore deeper meaning through the lens of symbol and allegory. I'm interested in the collective unconscious. Almost my whole life is more of an intellectual exercise than an emotional one, maybe I'm fundamentally not wired to be a religious person. But I do love this church and I love the people in it, and I think it's a net positive for us to get to know a kind of person/people who you don't normally encounter, and get the chance to be kind and curious toward them. Everyone is always welcoming to me even if it seems like they wouldn't like me personally and I find that moving, I embrace the chance to return the favor. I embrace them even though I know they will never watch STIGMATA with me.

[k7l4d4]

K Reviews and Rants: Miraculous Ladybug Season 5! Episode 16

Hello, everyone, and welcome to another day of my mind melting over this show's writing.

Now, there isn't a ton to say on Episode 16; it's honestly one of the more mediocre episodes, since it's main issues are that the entire plot is artificially constructed to revolve around Kagami once again believing Lila's lies and manipulations, despite having known that Lila is someone she can't trust and who likes to emotionally hurt her since "Oni-Chan." It could've been an interesting look of Kagami struggling to balance the impossible expectations her mother forces on her and breaking from the crippling loneliness those expectations instill in her... but that's the kind of plot we should've seen in SEASON 2, maybe Season 3 if you stretched it. It's just far too little too late to be trying something like this.

We also are given the apparent reveal that Gabe and Tomoe are angling to force their kids into a relationship... for some reason. We aren't given a reason why they want to do this, when this deal was reached, or why Adrien or Kagami never even KNEW about each other prior to this season. It comes out of nowhere, and while the concept of exploring the expectations of high society folks and how it impacts their kids in the form of arranged relationships, particularly in how it negatively impacts the relationships they would prefer to have, would be interesting... this was never hinted at before. It wasn't even alluded to. So why the hell are we only learning about this NOW?

Anyway, that's my reflection on this episode, keep reading for the review below. Thank you, and as always, please forgive any profanity on my part.

Episode 16: Protection 

Okay, it's Protection, and we get a scene of Kagami hanging out for Lila for some reason, despite having an established history of the girl lying, manipulating, and using her. Off to a "great" start. 

Lila talks about how she's Kagami's "best friend" which is BS... or maybe something about Marinette being Kagami's best friend, it's a bit hard to tell for me. 

Now it's a bit of unfunny commentary on HOW FUCKING LONG IT TOOK FOR MARINETTE AND ADRIEN TO GET TOGETHER by their classmates. No Astruc, trying to go "hey, we get it, don't we get it guys?" and be self-aware about the singularly most infuriating part of the show does not make it less insufferable. Wow, they nearly had a swear by Nathaniel. I gotta say, I was genuinely not expecting that. 

And Marinette's obsession for overly complicated plans has infected the entire class that they are going along with what amounts to getting Marinette and Adrien to kiss through a ridiculously overly complicated "romantic moment" involving a Ferris Wheel and trained pigeons, instead of just... telling them to kiss or letting them sort it out themselves. 

And Marinette hitting the nail on the head of how just trying to kiss someone you are too shy/awkward to say you love is ridiculously hard... Ugh. I just... the show trying to make a joke about how overly complicated the romantic plots in the show itself just falls apart because we KNOW they are gonna try and go through this anyway, and "self-awareness" is more than just mentioning the problems with something, it's also about growing past it, which the cast clearly HAS NOT DONE.

Saying a "kiss is a miracle cure for all your problems" genuinely disgusts me. It's such a reductive and deliberately idiotic take on romance that it offends me that the show is trying to make it's utterly terrible handling of any and all relationships INTO A FUCKING JOKE. 

...Why the FUCK are Adrien and Marinette's classmates treating Fairy Tale and fictional tropes regarding kissing as some kind of ironclad fact of reality? WHY!? I was about to go on an angry rant about how Marinette is talking sense about waiting for things to happen in their own time, when it clicked in that the writers are deliberately making her and Adrien's classmates/friends into strawmen as a way to shut up people who just wanted the relationship drama between Marinette and Adrien to just FUCKING END ALREADY!! So now I'm too pissed off to rant. Now my blood is fucking BOILING. 

And the plan immediately goes off the rail because Nino doesn't even know how to play the guitar. Oh, and the fact that Kitty Section's music is REALLY not romantic in the slightest in any way that would be conducive to making things go better, but yeah, they did Nino fucking dirty. The dude wants to be a DJ, he should be WELL AWARE of how hard it is to use ANY kind of fucking instrument, least of all one like a guitar!! 

Them making Marinette run off in tears while sad music plays REALLY DOESN'T WORK when they basically made the ENTIRE FUCKING PLAN as ridiculous as possible while making everyone act as if it going off without a hitch was a given. 

Okay, we get another case of the writers relying on stupid as hell Japanese stereotypes with Tomoe referring to Gabriel's heartbeat as "louder than a Taiko Drum." Oh, and something about a Diamond Ball, which I'm pretty sure is gonna be fucking stupid.

Okay, is Tomoe supposed to be blind or not? Because the writers are deliberately angling her head so she's directly facing Gabriel's arm as he unrolls his sleeve and exposes the Cataclysm injury (which she literally can't see, so he has no reason to be EXPOSING THE THING TO OPEN AIR!!). 

Adrien... no. Fuck that. Even discounting how sheltered you are, you CANNOT be this fucking stupid. You CANNOT be so stupid as to think Marinette's painful levels of awkwardness was "just the way she is, just part of her charm." Like, shit like THIS is why I just cannot get behind them as a couple on a personal level, because THAT is not a healthy attitude to have in a relationship!! That's the kind of attitude you have towards someone you barely know, not someone you apparently know well-enough to want to date. It says very bad things about their dynamics as a couple. 

Them acting as if Adrien just NOW learning about Marinette's emotional issues regarding him is supposed to make him more sympathetic falls apart when you stop and realize that the ONLY fucking reason it's this bad is the fact that they have artificially stretched out the reveal and stagnated Adrien and Marinette's relationship this entire time. You can't make this a touching moment because all it does is highlight just how mismatched the two ARE as a couple!! And now we get Tomoe overhearing a fragment of a conversation between Adrien and Kagami. THAT can't possibly backfire!!

Ugh... the creepy emphasis on "Made for each other" and "Just as planned" is so disgusting. 

NEITHER OF THEM ARE FUCKING PERFECT YOU IDIOTIC RICH TWITS!!!! GOD FUCKING DAMMIT!!! 

NOW they get that Kagami and Adrien aren't together and Adrien was talking about his actual "girlfriend" Marinette. Also, the show pulling this "Tomoe and Gabriel arranged to have Kagami and Adrien get together" shit comes out of nowhere, and is just cringe-inducingly bad commentary on the 1%. It's disgusting. "You've changed Adrien" NO KAGAMI HE HAS NOT. 

The show going from a gentle, introspective moment of Adrien trying to do something sincerely thoughtful for Marinette to once again making Marinette's emotional and relationship problems as a fucking joke pisses me off. 

"You were supposed to control your son, Gabriel." "And you, your daughter!" Wow, parents of the year, these two are TOTALLY not toxic shitheads! Tomoe, Gabriel is DYING you don't need to fucking dance around it!!

Adrien, she's not perfect, and for FUCK'S SAKE, shit like THIS is why the show trying to act like Gabe is a good parent fucking piss me off!! He is actively trying to dictate Adrien's life and refuses to acknowledge him as a human fucking BEING instead of just as a dress-up doll!!! 

Why the fuck is Gabe calling Marinette, someone he once publicly acknowledged as a Designer when she was the undisputed winner of one of his fashion contests, mediocre? This literally comes out of nowhere for no other fucking purpose then for more relationship drama BS. 

Well, we have another Japanese Stereotype getting spit from Tomoe's mouth, and yet another case of the show denying the possibility that relationships can just end and feelings can change, or that love is more complicated then "yes or no." 

Adrien, the guy who literally broke out of his own house just so he could go to school, TWICE, acting as if his dad telling him he can't be with Marinette is some unshakable iron-clad rule. It's shit like this that makes the Senti reveal so utterly stupid. 

And of fucking COURSE Gabe never bothered to take back the ring that lets someone mind-control Adrien (never mind how their care be TWO fucking Amoks for him or whatever) from the woman who has stated more than once that she's not on his side anymore and has physically assaulted him in his own house (not that she's sincerely done anything to actually stop him of course).

Marinette finally employing a strategy to circumvent her overcomplication problems would be nicer if the show wasn't currently acting as if her just deciding "not to worry and take things as-is" is this miracle fix-it that makes all her problems simple and that she can just ignore all her issues is super infuriating. 

And here we go, NOW we get to see Irrational Marinette, in that she's literally refusing to change her pajamas because it'll "break the magic of the moment." Bull. Shit. 

Does... does she SERIOUSLY not remember how much of a strict hardass Adrien's dad is? She probably doesn't. Because plot. Fuck the plot. 

Okay, not gonna lie, Adrien changing into pajamas to make Marinette feel less self-conscious about her impulsive decision is oddly sweet. Too bad it's buried amid a mountain of shitty writing. 

NOW Gabe realizes the issue with letting the woman opposing him have the same mind-control powers as him. Ugh... it's really, REALLY fucking hard to sit through this because of just how stomach-churning the writing is. 

Kagami... where the fuck is "I think I've fallen in love with him again" coming from? Wait, trick question, mind-control rings. Fucking bullshit. 

Do. NOT. Bring up that "meant to be together" BULLSHIT!! No one is "meant to be together," THAT IS NOT HOW RELATIONSHIPS FUCKING WORK!!! 

Why the FUCK is Kagami trusting Lila on any level!? 

Gabe, you OF ALL FUCKING PEOPLE have no right to call anyone on being toxic!! 

Kagami, DO NOT FUCKING FALL FOR LILA'S BULLSHIT!! THIS IS LITERALLY THE SAME GIRL WHO WENT OUT OF HER WAY TO TAUNT YOU WITH A FAKED PHOTO OF HER AND ADRIEN!! GOD FUCKING DAMMIT WHAT DID THE WRITERS DO WITH HER BRAINS!? 

Once again, Lila is a fucking PLOT DEVICE to enable bullshit because the writers ARE FUCKING HACKS WHO WOULDN'T KNOW HOW TO WRITE MEANINGFUL CONFLICT IF IT SLAPPED THEM ACROSS THE FACE WITH A FISH!!! 

Kagami... THIS HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU LETTING YOUR EMOTIONS CLOUDING YOUR JUDGMENT, YOUR JUDGMENT WAS FAULTY TO START WITH IN BLINDLY TRUSTING LILA DESPITE HER HAVING USED AND MANIPULATED YOU TWICE ALREADY!!! 

And she immediately believes Lila's sob-story about being best friends all over again, OF FUCKING COURSE!! On the plus side, we get a hint that Gabriel is eventually gonna cut Lila loose. And with that, this fucking nightmare is over!!

[thecarnivorousmuffinmeta]

I know you’ve talked about how all the Cullen pairings are eventually going to implode - glad someone said it - but I was wondering if you wanted to talk a little bit about what you think Meyer INTENDED with the pairings - tropes and whatnot? And what you think would have to change in her narrative to make what was intended what we actually saw on the page? Or — what do you think each cullens’ Perfect Spouse would actually look like?

Anon is referring to this post.

And well, you've certainly given me quite the challenge.

Some Musing Ramblings Before We Begin

Sort of like asking me to make Dramione work, I'm not sure I'm the person to ask this. Anyone who reads my work knows that... well, that's a lie, every story I secretly write is a love story. But it's not Twilight in any way shape or form.

Twilight simply isn't a story I would set out to write. This isn't a good thing or a bad thing, it just is, which means that asking me to make Twilight work the way Meyer intended is probably not your best bet.

But I'll try regardless, it's what we're here for.

Bella/Edward

Meyer intended Bella Swan and Edward Cullen to be the best and brightest of all the pairings in Twilight. They have the love and devotion of Carlisle and Esme, the physicality and sexual attraction of Rosalie and Emmett, and are such a grand love that even depressed Marcus takes note. This is the love story that drives the entire series.

Edward is an improvement upon Carlisle, a Carlisle with even better control, and the most beautiful man you ever did see. He's also a gentleman, a man of his time and from an era where chivalry was alive and men courted women. Bella is one of those disturbingly altruistic people who makes you feel bad about yourself just by being in the same room. She's incredibly selfless, kind, and also quite brave.

Together, despite their ups and downs and the many obstacles in their way, they're disgustingly perfect.

However, that's not what we get. On Edward's end he's... Edward about loving Bella. On Bella's end, she has no idea who Edward even is but she does know he's beautiful and special.

And to get what Meyer actually wanted... Christ, Anon, I'll try.

So, the first problem, if Edward was truly a good person then Twilight would never happen.

Edward would have his first day of Biology, miraculously maintain control, and flee to Alaska as he does in canon. However, he would not return. Edward in canon returns due to his budding obsession as well as his wounded pride, in fleeing Forks he feels he has lost to Bella. When Carlisle later points out that a girl's life is on the line, that Edward is foolishly endangering this girl solely for his ego, Edward refuses to acknowledge this.

A good man would never have returned from Alaska, the Cullens would have moved in short order, and Bella may or may not have died in a parking lot or in Port Angeles.

That said, what if Bella is not, in fact, Edward's singer? Then there's not this constant debate of him eating her or his creepy, budding, obsession with his personal brand of heroin.

Well, the trouble with that is that Edward would then never notice her. Even were Edward not a colossal dismissive dick, required per this ask, Bella is one mortal out of many and someone he shouldn't grow close to. Associating with her just exposes her to unnecessary danger from him and his family. Edward is a guest in our world, nothing more, and a kind Edward might chit chat with her in Biology but even if he had a growing crush he'd keep his distance.

As he tried and failed to do in canon, actually.

Basically, change Edward alone, and it's not enough. The Edward Meyer wanted would never get together with Bella. At least, not without a lot of AU-sauce.

But let's look at Bella for a moment. Bella's character also has to be entirely stripped down. The Bella of the books is extremely depressed and her infatuation with Edward is fueled in part because of this. Edward's obsession with her gives her worth.

Obviously, in this new and improved edition of Twilight, Bella can't use either Edward or Jacob for validation. She has to be able to stand on her own two legs. If she does use either for validation, then the relationship must come to an end, as she and her significant other realize just what it is Bella's doing.

The trouble is, what does this not-depressed Bella have to fall in love with? Yes, Edward's beautiful, and that certainly goes a long way, but in canon he's a dick. Bella even thinks to herself that he's a complete dick (even when he's trying to be charming). Luckily for Edward she later decides that this is cryptic and therefore appealing.

Well, in AU land, Edward might be so damn charming that Bella likes him anyway but we come back to Edward keeping her at a polite distance.

So, what we need is a terrifying villain. Let's call him Angelus (though per Twilight this would probably be James). Angelus is a vampire that will force Edward's hand. For whatever reason, he decides to torment and ruin Bella's life, ending the hunt in either eating her or turning her into his bride. Angelus' existence forces Bella to be in the know and for Edward to have to take extreme action.

The pair become closer, grow through undoubtedly horrific trauma, and through said trauma Bella understands not only the pros of being a vampire but the terrifying cons.

Basically, it'd be this story. Just replace the name "Carlisle" with Edward and "Edward" with James.

Alice/Jasper

Alice and Jasper are supposed to have this ineffable, mystic, connection where they're together because... Alice saw them together. And in a way, that's true, but it's supposed to be a thing of beauty, soulmates if there ever were any, and instead it's this dumpster fire with nothing holding them together.

This one's easier in a way, well, sort of. Alice would have to be a completely different character and we'd have to see a lot more of Jasper.

Alice has a bad habit of treating those around her, even those she loves, as chess pieces. She'll put them in significant danger, court their misery, so long as it gets her the future she wants.

And she's extremely controlling.

Right away in the opening of Midnight Sun we see this and how it affects her and Jasper's relationship. The novel opens with Alice hovering, scanning the future for Japser fucking up, while Jasper just sits there in misery. Due to her obsession on making sure Jasper doesn't eat students, she actually misses Edward's plan to massacre Biology and his many plans to eat Bella Swan.

Even if she wasn't, this isn't good for anyone to live with. Jasper has very little concept of free will, whatever happens to him, whatever he'll do, Alice tells him and the worst possible option is always on the table.

For Jasper/Alice to work either Alice's gift needs to go (and that's... sort of all Alice is) or she has to tell no one any vision ever unless under extreme circumstances.

Which would be devastating for Alice. Rather than this mostly well-adjusted, perky, girl, Alice would be crippled by her gift. The weight of the world, everyone's free will, rests on her shoulders and she has to constantly avoid temptation to simply pick everyone's future for them.

Without the attitude Alice has in canon, I think she'd go mad with such a gift, or else be consumed by the responsibility of it.

Then we get to the mess that is Jasper. Jasper's complicated, and I don't want to get into it here, but his love story would have to be... too large to be put to the side like that. The redemption he'd need is not one that can be shoved into a few paragraphs told to Bella, it's frankly the kind of story that would drive an ordinary story.

So we'd have to see a lot of Jasper and Nouveau Alice. Which, of course, detracts from Bella/Edward which is the main point of the story.

Honestly, I take it back, there's no salvaging this relationship. They would have to be completely different people to the point where they're entirely different characters wearing nametags 'Alice' and 'Jasper'. Alice couldn't have her gift, which informs her entire character, and we'd have to see way too much of Jasper who is ultimately a tertiary character.

Carlisle/Esme

Thoughts on Carlisle/Esme.

Carlisle and Esme is a very 'spiritual' relationship per Meyer. They're... mom-bot and dad-bot. Alright, fine, they're the perfect parents with this deep love for each other and a very parental bond with Edward especially. It's the relationship Edward admires the most in his paired off family.

I don't even know how to fix this one.

Again, they'd have to be such different people. The trouble with Esme and Carlisle is that they share no values and are plagued by massive miscommunication. The Carlisle who is perfect for Esme... No, wait, this Carlisle is perfect for her, but that's because she's in Esme Land.

The Carlisle that would be perfect for a grounded Esme is not the one that exists. She'd want someone who would always put the family first, who would treasure her above all other things, that's not Carlisle.

Carlisle, similarly, would want someone that truly shares his ideals. That's not Esme.

So, we're back to nametag land, because one or both have to completely change for this to work. (Not to mention that Esme's probably not supposed to be Esme).

So, I've got nothing for this.

Rosalie/Emmett

I actually think these two are what Meyer intended. They love each other but are mostly held together by attraction. They're a very physical couple and good for the most part but inherently lesser than Bella/Edward.

Sure, I'd argue that they're the most put together couple in the house, but I think they're meant to have flaws. They work well together, but every other relationship in the Cullens has to be a step up or at least have something more to it.

Something Edward and Bella can be better than.

Conclusion

Dear god. Did I only manage to somewhat address Bella/Edward? Was that it? This was worse than I thought.

[pridewon]

(don’t reblog!)

// i’m sure you’re all tired of my long essays on ushi.jima, so to celebrate everyone’s favourite cat’s birthday, here is one on kur.oo. spoiler alert: it’s pretty much a love letter to everything he (and coach neko.mata by association) represent in the story. 

haik.yuu has a huge cast of characters, and every one of them as a specific backstory. i’m pretty sure we all have at least one character we can identify with, or at least relate to, a character whose themes resonate with us on a deep level, one way or another. for me, those characters are ushi.jima (but i’ll come back to him another time) and ku.roo. 

to me (and of course i’m sure not everyone will agree, but it’s just a personal opinion!) kuroo’s story and why i love it so much is that it is an incredibly joyful and uplifting take on themes of growth and learning. up until we get kuroo’s backstory, we see a lot of other characters’ paths to development, and how they got to where they are - in many cases, how good they are at volleyball. and quite a few of those stories are actually kind of painful. think of oikawa breaking down because of his insecurities; asahi’s defeat against dateko; kageyama’s trauma after his last middle school game; hinata struggling because of his height... a lot of these characters had to struggle in order to keep playing volleyball. and that’s great! those are important lessons too! 

but kuroo’s story is almost a reverse take on this. he struggled before he took up volleyball: and it is volleyball and the joy of playing that turn him into who he is during the main story.

at the age of eight years old, little tetsurô was so crippled by social anxiety (for reasons unknown - but i’m sure we all have our hypotheses on the question), he was barely verbal outside of anything volleyball related...

... and he physically couldn’t bring himself to go to a volleyball tryout unless kenma went with him and pretty much literally pushed him through the door. (kenma’s “then go” says it all).

but volleyball is fun, and he likes playing it! it’s his little world, it’s how he communicates with kenma for the very first time. alas, even in volleyball, there are areas that seem out of his reach - like spiking, which is really cool and fun, but you only get to go it if you’re really tall. the rules of volleyball are constricting, limiting; only a select few get to experience real volleyball.

... really?

not on coach nekomata’s watch.

of course in an official game, you would never do that. but this isn’t an official game. respecting the rules to a T and gatekeeping isn’t the point. so what if you’re small? go for it! the most important thing is to have fun: all other parameters are entirely secondary. better yet: everything else will fall into place, if, and only if, you enjoy doing what you’re doing. that is the one the sine qua non condition to success.

and boy oh boy, if this isn’t a life-changing revelation for little kuroo.

that isn’t to say that volleyball miraculously solves all of kuroo’s issues overnight. finding his passion isn’t a miracle cure to all of life’s problems, but it provides him with two incredibly important tools: a motivation to overcome his own barriers, and something he can use to build common ground with other people. because volleyball is fun, enjoyable, it is something he loves, and it is something worth giving his all for. and it is something others will reach out to him for too - because they love volleyball as well. 

we connect through play, and we connect through fun. if you love something, there’s bound to be someone out there who  will eventually say “hey, me too!”. it doesn’t matter if you are an anxiety-riddled eight year old child, a video games obsessed asocial mastermind, or an overexcited 200-something-cm tall giant with no technique to speak of: if you love the sport, there will be a place for you here. to me, the “connect” in nekoma’s motto isn’t just about the importance of teamwork; it’s a testament to that one thing that connects them all, regardless of background, ability, physique or personality: their common love for volleyball. go out there. play. have fun. everything else will come together eventually. 

when you’re as anxious and isolated as kuroo started out as, it’s liberating, really. find something you love, and everything will be okay.

sounds simplistic? probably. too easy? i beg to differ - because furudate is SMART, and while they didn’t show us kuroo’s evolution from his moment of enlightenment to where he is now, they’re showing us two other characters directly connected to kuroo: tsukishima and lev. if tsukki and lev teach us one thing, it’s that fun is not easy. faaaar from it. anime-wise, it takes tsukki literally two seasons and a half to get to a point where he can actually enjoy volleyball; and one whole season for lev to turn his enthusiasm for winning into an enthusiasm for the team aspect of volleyball. 

and who teaches tsukishima the tools that allow him to play the kind of volleyball he finds the most fun and rewarding? who tells lev that teamwork is all about how satisfying it is when it all starts coming together, and allows him to look at it from a new angle?

the same guy who fell in love with volleyball when an old man lowered the net for him. everybody, no matter who they are, can love volleyball, and find their place on the court, and join in the fun. 

and if this isn’t the quintessential essence of haikyuu and its wholesomeness, i don’t know what is.

[jaypelt]

Cheers for Five Years of Undertale, and its Everlasting Effect on Me

Been a while since I’ve done one of these... I might even be rusty at it! Honestly, what I’ve got right now are more vague thoughts than coherent words in my head. I wasn’t sure if I’d even do this, since I felt it wasn’t entirely necessary. Everybody had so much to say! But spurned on by the display of someone very close to me, the cogs in my head couldn’t help but start turning for me too. So here I am. This isn’t going to be easy, though. Because if you read this, I need you to understand the depth of my feelings. Even if just a little. So I’ll do my best to bare my heart yet again, for the sake of it and everything its done for me. Everything it’ll keep doing for me.

The beginning is usually always one of the hardest parts. A blank space devoid of anything, that you’ve got to somehow miraculously fill with thoughts somebody else could understand. But Undertale is rarely a subject I ever have to struggle so much with. It’s been a long, long five years.

This is re-treading old ground that a number of those who know me are already familiar with, however, I don’t think this would be complete without it. But it will get very, VERY personal. If you’re not comfortable with that, then uh... giving you another warning now. But pushing forward...

Right before UT came out, I hadn’t begun to really unravel quite yet. But I was very close. It was somewhat of a rough transitional period as I moved on from my middle school to high, losing very dear IRL friends and generally continuing to struggle with school, as I had been for years. Untreated ADHD is real nasty. But I’d always had at least some friends, either online, or ones I made throughout the year, to rely on. And I didn’t really think about things. The start of this school year was no different. Even having a... perhaps questionable choice of boyfriend, but, well, he was my first.

I struggled with just about every aspect of school from basically the start, but having a small group, and especially an online partner to come home to everyday, helped me at least get through. In the coming months, however, I’d start to encounter more turbulence. Through aforementioned partner, I met someone who’d come to rely on me far more than he should have. Made even worse by the fact that he was a full grown adult while I was only 14, which will be a recurring trend. And has been for most of my life.

We hit it off pretty quickly, becoming good friends and talking to each other outside of mutual friend spaces. And through that, he started to open up about his problems. Living with a family that treated him poorly, suicidal urges, and particularly, an abusive boyfriend. If you know me well, I’ve probably definitely talked about this at least a little.

My daily routine starting becoming supporting this person through all of his troubles. Sitting in skype calls or exchanging messages for hours at a time on the daily. Rarely did a day go by where I didn’t, slowly sinking into an apathetic pit from overextending myself for the sake of his mental health. I couldn’t even help him improve, all I could do was just try to keep him alive. Which, well, I did. For months.

Everything else fell to the wayside as I was constantly stressed about the life of someone I cared about. Obviously my school life suffered even further. I grew withdrawn from everyone, and kept only to the few online friends I had. However, in the midst of this downward spiral, just before the ball really got rolling, a certain game came out. Exactly a month after it had come out, October 15th, 2015, I’d become interested after all the talk on tumblr about Undertale.

After watching a playthrough on youtube(I didn’t play for myself at first, a pity), It’d personally resonated so strongly and gotten me so hooked that it was something I invested a fair amount of my time into consuming content about. I grew super attached to all these characters that’d made me laugh, smile, cry... just this whole spectrum of emotions. And someone in particular, Alphys, really caught my attention after things had begun to get worse.

She felt so... relatable, though I couldn’t possibly tell you all the reasons. When I think about it, we’re not really the most similar, but something about her just hooked me. Maybe because she had all these things going on that nobody knew about. And that she lied. And felt so anxious interacting with anyone after she’d previously been much warmer and closer. That she was closer to “disappearing” than she seemed.

Whatever the reasons, the months moving further along, consuming content about UT practically became my lifeline. I reblogged heaps and heaps of posts  about it, watched videos, listened to the soundtrack, even started drawing because I’d been so inspired. When I was just stuck in this horrible pit of second-hand depression, it was the one thing that still made me happy. I started to really think about why it mattered to me and how. It’s funny, I’d read books obsessively for years before then, but UT was the thing that really got me thinking. It was all downhill from there, I tell you. Now I’m an artist and a writer. Horrific.

But, unfortunately, for all its good... it couldn’t stop what was to come. I was still getting worse and worse, with no end in sight. I’d already been supporting... let’s call him Phil, for a few months. And in December of that year, my boyfriend completely dropped off the grid for a while. I’d see him appear online sometimes and I’d message him, but no response, then right back to offline. Finally, he came back, approaching me with something he obviously was uncomfortable about.

To make a long story short, he’d come to the conclusion that he was straight, and decided to end the relationship. What’s bad is that... honestly? I was already doing so poorly that I had a hard time caring. But we did pretty much stop talking, and I leaned into Undertale all the more. Anyway, time continued to pass. Not without its few ups, and mostly downs. I got used to being called “mature”, usually followed by “especially for your age.” “Phil” told me that if I were legal, he’d date me. I’ve got a crippling fear of screwing up with people that’s stuck with me to this day, after a few occasions involving him. I considered doing some... not so great things to myself. Thankfully, I was always so averse to physical pain that it didn’t become anything extreme.

As for the few ups, there was “Phil” finally managing to leave his abusive relationship, when he’d tried previously and fallen into such a bad depressive episode I had to talk him down. So that was something. He’d even started going to therapy after the second break up.

Not that it did a whole lot. The school year began approaching its end and nothing had really changed. I’d been going through all the same motions for around half a year or more. My sleep was terrible, I was passing almost none of my classes, had practically no friends to speak of, and just felt... tired. All the time. But during this... the minute beginning of a monumental shift started. Another character in UT had begun to clutch me in his grasp. Even more strongly than Alphys. Flowey. Through the posts a singular person on tumblr had made about him and my experience with the geno run, I came to understand the dumb little flower more. Which is also funny, because he was previously my least favorite. Even, yes, after the Asriel reveal.

I’m having a difficult time weaving together this convoluted timeline of events, but it was around... perhaps March or early April that the person whom I’d been supporting for almost a full fucking year completely disappeared. Without a word. The one thing I’d tried to stick to for so long was just. Gone. So I drifted about with, well, no purpose.

By the end of the school year, it probably goes without saying that I was... not doing great. But one those aforementioned acquaintances I’d only just started to become actual friends with came forth to me with a question. That being if there was some way for us to keep contact during the summer. So I gave her my email, which would turn out to be a decision that saved my life. Because things would only get worse before they got better.

This is getting to be way, way, way too long. So to summarize, summertime came around and I’d been in pretty close contact with... I’ll just call her V. She was... well, unlike anyone I’d ever known. Someone who stood out with the intelligence you could just see in their eyes. Outgoing, charismatic, compassionate... all those sorts of things. We were opposites in a lot of ways. Or, at least, it felt like it.

Some things happened, like “Phil” coming back after months of nothing. Me immediately slotting back into my role of being a pillar of support, but then screwing up and hating myself for it. But honestly, that ain’t shit to the rest of the whole shitshow.

For a bit of context, my parents are divorced. So for most of the previous years, I’d been going to my mom’s place during the summer and staying with her the whole time, to make up for how rarely we’d see each other otherwise. That year... she was beginning to run low on money. She lived next to my granny, but still basically alone, compared to how she’d been staying with someone else in hotels for the few prior years.

After learning she didn’t have enough to pay rent and might be kicked out, she tried to appeal to her mom, who said she wouldn’t let her stay. Why? I don’t know. After that, she spiraled into a panic. And, well, the ever faithful little worker bee, I stepped forward to try and console her in any way I could. She seemed to recompose, at least a little. It wasn’t great, and she thought she’d have to do some unsavory things in order to survive, but... I thought that, just maybe, I’d done something.

But... later that night, she started drinking. Which... well, put her in a mood. Exacerbated by the day’s earlier events and the fact that she was taking medication that responded poorly to alcohol. She came over to where I was sitting, my little makeshift desk I’d put together to set up my desktop, with my little sister just in the other room. Just... a warning for this next part, it’s... grim. More grim than anything else in this thread.

She proceeded to tell me she was going to go upstairs and grab the gun my granny kept in her room. And berated me for thinking I’d done anything to help, saying she “wasn’t like my little friends” that I could simply talk to. With that, she walked away, heading upstairs. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so crushed in my entire life, to this day. I broke down crying, sitting in that chair.

Yet, somehow, I managed to stop when I saw her coming back down. She walked back over, pointed the gun at her head, and told me to give her a reason she shouldn’t do it. And also to this day, I.... still don’t know if I said what was right. It was all I could think of. I quietly told her that if she did it, I’d pick that gun up and do it to myself. Same as her. And I asked if she wanted to be responsible for that.

It was true, too. By that point, I didn’t care anymore.

And if there’s one thing I can say about her, it’s that she’s always cared about me. In a horrible, twisted way especially, that night. It was enough to make her silently pull the gun down, go back upstairs, and put it away. One last time... she came down, walked past me to the front door and simply said “I love you.” before going out to sit on the porch.

I’m not sure I’ll ever truly get over the events of that night. I spoke to V afterwards, as I’d been keeping in regular contact, as I said. And even been speaking to her throughout the day about what was happening. I think she was panicking just as much as I had been, and told me to go find the gun and unload it. So I did. Bawling my eyes out the whole damn time. Afterwards, I took the bullets and threw them in the large neighborhood garbage can.

The rest of the night’s a blur. I don’t recall if anything else happened, I just remember waking up tired the next day. My uncle was in the house, as he’d been staying with my granny for a while, but hadn’t been around the night before. I tried to talk to him, but.. couldn’t bring myself to open up. Even though we were pretty close. I went back to my dad’s.

That wasn’t the end of it, either. For the next coming months, I’d get drunken calls and live in fear of being put right back in the same situation. It got so bad that I stopped answering my phone altogether. I broke contact with my mom entirely. I still hate answering or making calls.

Anyway, a few other things happened in the summer, like my applying for online courses. And the subsequent ridicule from my dad’s side of the family for the decision. Tell you what, the stress of taking a test to try and join that online program, then going to golden corral and having to struggle to not cry in front of everyone there was... not the ideal way to spend a birthday. Happy 15 years to me.

So.... that was that. I still went through with online courses and everything kind of... slowed to a crawl. I tried to do school work, but depression and still yet untreated ADHD prevented me from making any substantial progress beyond a few finished classes. For a while I simply... existed in a limbo. All I did was get up, get on my computer, maybe talk to a few people, and play Overwatch. Maybe look at tumblr, as I remained into Undertale. V and I lost contact after school started back up. I never blamed her for it. In fact, I preferred it that way. She didn’t deserve to have such a burden placed on her, and I still... feel guilty for leaning on her so much.

But I’m very thankful. I hope she’s out there living a good life, wherever she is.

And this! Is where we finally get to the not depressing parts! And only... what, 29 paragraphs in? Sheesh... I know I wanted to really illustrate just how shit things were to demonstrate just how much UT did for me, but this is taking it a bit far, isn’t it? Ah well... already made it this far. In for a penny, in for a pound. If you’ve made it this far, congratulations! I’m sorry. Truly. And I love you so very dearly.

Time went by and I kept doing my thing. Playing Overwatch(a practically self-destructive behavior deserving a therapy, frankly), talking to the few friends I had that I kept at an arm’s length, that sort of stuff. “Phil” and I no longer talked, thank goodness. Obviously I was depressed as all hell, not bothering to shower, eat, clean up, or do laundry for days on end. I spent more time asleep than I did awake, on most days. Did I say this was where the not depressing part was? I may have lied a little.

Blah blah “more months go by”, you know the drill. Until... I believe, November of 2016. After cementing my love of Flowey ever deeper, I’d started to follow more blogs putting out content for him on tumblr. In particular, the most important ones being I’lltrytobegood, Flowey-Answers, and later happyflowey and Corruptedflora.

It all started with a stream. I joined an art stream of LLA(Lovelyladyartist) on picarto as he worked on ITTBG. I kept quiet for the first few streams I joined, being too anxious to really out myself in any capacity. But little by little, I was coerced out of my shell. Particularly by one SilverKhaos, who I think at the time went by SilverSlayer or something. Anyway, he got me talking. And through that, I started making friends, bit by bit.

Also through the stream, I was introduced to CC(CuteCatDoodles) of Flowey-Answers. I obsessively read through the entire blog in a single sitting, just... having such a good time with it. And... strangely enough, it... got me feeling oddly better. Like I’d finally started to breath after not being able to for what felt like such a long time. If just a little. The next day, I got out of bed early, cleaned up, took out some garbage, and made breakfast. Just a simple plate of scrambled eggs. A simple, easy morning for most any average person. But for me? It was one of the most special mornings I’ve ever had.

Likewise, I did the same with Ding’s happyflowey, of reading through all of it in a single night. My head hurt like a motherfucker, but I tell you, it was worth it. The effect perhaps not as profound, but still very meaningful to me, as well as sowing the seeds of yet more relationships to form. If far off in the future, as far as this timeline is concerned. I still adore all of those dumb, charming little flowers so much. Mania would come to inspire my first ever OC, in fact. Thinking about that blog makes me miss when the UT fandom was more active here, even though I never participated in the fandom at large. But I’m grateful for the memories and incredible amounts of enjoyment getting to read it all brought me. I have way too many cropped images of Hysteria.

I wasn’t immediately better, but it was all the start of something new. I kept up with the streams, also joining in for CC’s. For hours upon hours a day, I’d just hop into them and spend the day talking away. I had something to really look forward upon waking up, starting to adjust my schedule so that I at least didn’t miss TOO much. I was able to really make friends, it felt like. Even though I wasn’t and still am not the most socially adept.

And as luck would have it, because picarto chat was and probably still is pretty unstable to this day, it just happened to go down and that led to... the creation of the discord server! It started off small, but steadily got more and more joiners from the growing population of the streams. LovelyLadyArtist, CuteCatDoodles, BrySkye, Flowers-Without-Pots, SilverSlayer, KRS, Donut, Mr.Quarter, Dragoler, Stilla, Chara, RotmModdy, Rowdy, Dunal, and probably at least a few others I’m forgetting... all names I encountered there and most of which I still see daily.

Through that server, we started keeping up even when there wasn’t any stream going on. Just goofing off and having a good ‘ol time. Already I was... well, doing a helluva lot better than I had before. All because of the gathering of a small community surrounding this indie gem. And even further centered in a niche specifically about Flowey! Who, and I’d forgotten to mention this before, I’d found a surprising amount to relate in. He’d become a big, BIG hyperfocus. Which is why I’d met everyone at all. Truly, it’s crazy to think how possible it is for me to have never come down this path.

From there on, I continued to meet new people, established new relationships. I even got invited to an RP server, creatively named “Flower RP” :p. At first I was hesitant, perhaps not even initially 100% interested. But as people really got into it, I felt an incredibly strong Fear of Missing Out. Leading to the creation of a character still near and dear to my heart.... Zorch. The result of contributions from many friends, from design ideas, to character concepts, and even his name(thanks for that, Rowdy). And... I began to write. It wasn’t great at first. very short form, and I didn’t know how to approach the roleplaying mindset, or even how to properly characterize him.

But over time... I got better. I became more confident. I really got into the nitty-gritty of character writing and discussion. I joined in on hours long discussions about the characters, lore, and narrative of Undertale. I’d wake up just to be there as soon as chat began to move, all the way to the point where everyone was finally asleep. I started to be able to help people again. For months, participating in this RP, in this chat, in this community was what I lived for. The joy that I felt in being among friends all working towards and talking about a common goal and interest is, well, honestly still somewhat unrivaled.

Paci, Pots, Neue, Castor, Silver, Nightmare, Rowdy. Me. All of us joined together in mutual love for a game, spurred on to feverishly create our own content about it. I kept up for months on end, living by the mostly same routine for probably the longest I’ve ever stuck to anything. Eventually... things happened and the server’s gone quiet. We had problems with management, people feeling excluded, targeted, etc etc. It was a very... consequence heavy RP, most of us were almost complete newbies to the roleplaying game, and many came to care rather deeply about the ongoings of it. Perhaps too much. But, well... I’m not sure it could have been prevented.

Sometimes, I still wish I could go back to that point of my life. I know someone else who does too. Even more than me. But I know not to try and emulate the past, as alluring as it may seem. So I push forward. Leading to yet another server with its own events. Clement, myself, Rowdy, Zielo, Neue, Moddy, Vee, Mini, Nappy, Tia, Silver. Some familiar names, some new. All still with the foundation of Undertale, but it quickly became a thing for us to just... chill and talk about anything. There was real love in that place. It was at this time that I even started going to therapy! After some struggling with the family. It helped a lot.

In time, that server, too, went under. For reasons that have long since been buried and forgiven. It no longer exists, after being deleted entirely, but I’ll always remember it. And we did eventually all(mostly) gather back together someplace new, which is still being talked in. Even gaining some new additions recently! If any of you guys are catching this one, I love you!

And we come to the final and most recent group. One I wasn’t actually a founding member of, instead being a late joiner. Comparatively smaller than all the ones before, but filled with just as much love. Pip, Ding, Kink, and Cola. Remember when I mentioned happyflowey sowing seeds, and then didn’t even expound in further detail about corruptedflora? Well congratulations, you’ve reached the payoff.

It all started after I began interacting with the mun of CF, Kinko, and became mutuals with them. We usually just spam reblogged from each other on occasion for a while. That is, until I got messaged, then sent a friend request through Discord. Which, even still, didn’t immediately go anywhere. But eventually... some things led to another, and we joined up in a particular server. Not one I’ll be naming, but times were... turbulent in there. It went under and we lost contact a bit after that.

That is, until completely out of the blue, I just get invited to a server with them and some pals to just join in on Roblox shenanigans. Imagine me, sweating and anxious as hell after getting asked to join a server with two people behind blogs I adore, considering Ding was there too. Cardiac arrest, I tell you. And obviously more than just them too! But the night turned out to be so fun that I forgot I’d ever been so anxious in the first place.

From there on... the rest was history. There’s been many, MANY ups and downs, but I’ve found yet more people I love very, very dearly. And they’ve gotten me to open up about the way I feel the most. In the past years, I could never tell someone I loved them, no matter how much I really wanted to. The words just couldn’t come out, but they... they brought that out in me. And now I can say it whenever I want! Like now! I love you guys!!! So much!!!! And not just you all, but everyone else too!!! And much love to Kink especially for being a driving force behind me making this, as well as just being a goddamn star.

So... as a final ovation... LLA, CC, Bry, Drago/Paci, Pots, Silver, Donut, Quarter, Stilla, Chara, Moddy, Rowdy, Neue, Castor/Skater, Tia/Nightmare, Clement, Zielo, Vee, Nappy, Ding, Pip, Cola, and Kink. As well as some stragglers like Log, Ingrid, and Jai. I’m probably still forgetting some... but thank you all for being my friends. It’s been a long, long five years. And yet, many of you are still in my life. In at least some form. There aren’t words enough to express my gratitude towards every single one of you for the most incredible years of my life and pulling me from what can be called nothing less than the fucking abyss. You all made and continue to make life worth living.

And thank you, Undertale. The game behind all of these relationships.  The game that inspired such strong feelings in me when nothing else could. That made me into an artist and writer. The reason I’m still alive. The game that changed my fucking life and will continue to affect me, I believe, for the duration of it. I really cannot overstate just how important you were and still are. There’ll never be anything else like you.

[safestsephiroth]

do the total war games have any mods that bring back the in-depth trait systems for nobles that seems to have been removed after Medieval 2?

That was what made me love the games so much and them missing made the games feel more like board games and less like stories.

My best memory of the game was playing Brittania as the Norse.

Early on, I decided I had to pick one front to wage war and stick with it. I decided I’d start with Ireland. Ireland was small, isolated, wouldn’t be too hard to get involved with. I could ally with the Welsh and the Scots and the English, then bring down the Irish in a concentrated sweep. Having unified control of all Ireland would be a significant boon to my overall position, and let me have a place to fall back to in the event things got bad.

Well.

The scots, those bastards, betrayed me after forming an alliance. I had landed on the main isle and took a single city, and those bastards went full conquest on me in the North. It was a desperate struggle to hold anything.

And, to my dismay, this came right after I had fully invested into war with Ireland.

My King and his immediate nobles were stranded on Ireland, and I was forced to make the extremely difficult and unfortunate decision to disband my navy almost entirely so I could keep my finances above board. The English at this time were getting really uppity, and I realized if I put my King to sea he could well be killed by an English - or, god forbid, Scottish - raiding party. This could not be allowed.

And so, the lone General on the main isle was given an impossible task with insurmountable odds. He had a small army of elite soldiers straight from Norway, and he would be the advancing front of my army. Everything I got that wasn’t thrown wholeheartedly into the lagging defense in the North, trying in vain to hold back the Scottish tide, and everything that wasn’t sent to Ireland to maintain our foothold (lest those Irish bastards fortify the entire isle and make reinvasion impossible), went straight to this man.

History has lost his name. In this retelling, will call him: Karl.

Karl was, from the outset, in a bad situation. Severely outnumbered, with minimal support, his first objective became to acquire a castle capable of allowing him to replenish his losses. Fortunately, we were able to get troops across from the Isle of Man relatively easily, but these troops were highly expensive and my budget was dying. If I had lost my foothold in Ireland, my entire economy was doomed to collapse. Karl fought with care. He chose his battles well. He waited for the English and Scottish to war, assisted the English in a field battle, and split two cities between himself and the English. The English had a clear foothold into Scotland, Karl had a castle, and all was well.

Until one turn later.

Having sent his most damaged units back for repair, Karl was garrisoning this small castle with nothing but himself, a single unit of Housecarls, a single unit of crossbows, and two peasant militia.

The English came with a full stack of military might. To Karl’s two hundred, the English sent two thousand.

Outnumbered ten to one, Karl gave his men one final grim speech. He was committed to fighting his way to Valhalla. He was ready to die for his King, ready to die for the dreams of the Norse in Britannia.

Yet, something strange happened.

The English swarmed the walls, stormed the gate. The Housecarls thrust themselves into the gap, the peasant levees on the walls swiftly getting overwhelmed, the crossbowmen desperately firing at the endless horde of the English.

And then, just as the battle seemed lost forever, as the Housecarls fell to the last man, Karl charged.

One last glorious push, right?

But Karl had a reputation. Karl had butchered all prisoners he took, Karl had put down any rebellion with extreme violence.

The English saw Karl, the peasant levees in their thousands, they saw his standard. They were tired, they were desperate, and they were surrounded by the bodies of their friends and brothers, slain by the valiant Housecarls.

And they fled.

The English fled. The units in front routed, and those behind panicked and followed as well.

Karl and his bodyguard unit lost twelve of twenty-four men. The Crossbows fell to three. The Housecarls were eradicated to the last, as were the levees.

Karl personally captured 1200 fleeing Englishmen, including the enemy commander. His army killed another 400.

Immediately, Karl’s Dread skyrocketed - especially since he elected to execute every last treacherous Englishman, to teach their crown a lesson:

Never break an alliance with the Norse.

The English, for their part, flagged at the sight of Karl’s army. Swiftly reinforced, Karl hurried to repair the defenses, and all funding was diverted directly to the miraculous hero.

The English fell back as Karl advanced, taking two more English cities, fortifying them, garrisoning them and leaving them behind. Because Scotland had just turned down our final peace offer to them.

Karl’s eldest son took up the defense of these cities, and there were plenty of stories in their own right about him.

Meanwhile, in Ireland, the King and several of his closest family held out against wave after wave of Irish attacks. The battle was a war of endless attrition. The Irish were too numerous to conquer further, but we couldn’t let them just siege our city whenever they liked. Our economy couldn’t handle that. Instead, we occupied a fort nearby, and held stubbornly to it. Until one of my King’s nephews, one of the most promising youths in the royal family, fell ill - and grew mad. For fear of him spreading his stark raving lunacy to those around him, we gave him a Norse end - seeing the perfect opportunity when the Irish came to invade the fort with two full armies.

Hopelessly outnumbered, we withdrew the garrison. All save for a few peasants and this woebegotten nephew. In his final stand, despite being wracked with pain and tormentous visions, he fought as a true Norseman, and took the Irish down with him. He lost the fort - and was carried to Valhalla - but in the act, the Irish advance was crippled, and a counterattack led by the Crown Prince saw the rest of their army utterly annihilated.

The economy thusly protected, Karl advanced northward into Scotland.

At first, the Scots did not seem to take him seriously. The Norse were that tiny army of proud idiots they had bullied out of their castles for years. What threat was this man?

In battle after battle, Karl’s elite army of terrifying Housecarls sent the Scottish peasant armies fleeing in terror. Unable to resist their overwhelming charges, the fleeing Scottish were cut down and captured by Karl himself.

And Karl did not allow survivors. A Scot sent home was a Scot who would rearm himself. Better to thin their innumerable herd a battle at a time.

The Scottish sent armies innumerable at him. They sent their entire military straight for Karl, who was reinforced by his eldest son in a critical moment and turned the tide, eradicating the bulk of the Scottish army in a decisive battle and taking a key coastal castle.

And then, at the cusp of victory, Karl was met with what seemed a challenge straight from the Gods Themselves:

A Scottish hero had risen. With the unified Scotland behind him, and given an immense army on the spot - a timed event many may be familiar with, and may have seen coming - William Wallace arose. A leader of immense honor, able to maintain the morale of all nearby allies to an extreme degree, and an incredibly effective commander, Wallace brought with him several full-stacked armies. These were not mere peasants, either. Well-trained, professional soldiers.

Karl was forced to fall back to the freshly-taken castle. After evaluating the situation, Karl came up with a solution.

He would harry Wallace’s army, he would fight a retreating war, he would stymie them at every juncture. They would be allowed no reinforcements - by deftly maneuvering and cutting off bit by bit of Wallace’s army, then vanishing before the bulk could be brought to bear, he brought the Scottish juggernaut’s armies down again, and again, and again. He destroyed unit after unit, leaving no survivors, until the Scottish were left with only a hardened, elite core of professionals, fanatically loyal to Wallace himself.

The battle was imminent. Karl chose the time and place carefully. He lured Wallace forth, and sent a detatchment of his army to besiege a Scottish city Wallace had been pulling support from. Wallace turned, predictably, and Karl’s army lifted the siege - attacking Wallace from both sides, with reinforcements from a distinguished subordinate.

The battle was the closest Karl had ever fought. There were moments it looked like either side could win. The Norse casualties were not insignificant.

But the moment Wallace fell in battle, the outcome was already decided.

The Scottish were rounded up and slaughtered to a man. Grim work, but by now Karl had developed an obsession. He despised the Scottish. Loathed the Scottish. Was more than happy to defeat them in battle. His was a name of legend in Scotland, spoken in hushed whispers:

Karl, Bane of Scots.

His already prodigious military skills were further enhanced by his intimate knowledge of Scottish tactics, and with Wallace dead, nothing was left to stop Karl’s march. And march he did. He slew the Scottish King in the field of battle. He took city after city, putting down any resistance with overwhelming force. In the end, all that remained was the castle of Inverness.

By this point, the Scottish had resorted to appointing random guard captains as their nobility, so thin was their line. These guard captains fled - as any rational man would - but to no avail.

Karl, aged 62, laid siege to Inverness. The final Scottish stronghold. The end of his life’s work was in sight.

And then, in winter, he died of illness.

The Scottish were left with no time to rejoice in the death of their hated foe, for they had no break before a second max-size Norse army arrived. Led by Karl’s youngest son, who inherited his father’s ferocity and, at age 17, already had 6 Command and 5 Dread (out of 10), with an additional +2 to both against Scottish armies.

Inverness Castle fell to the Norse. Karl’s life’s work was finished. The Scottish were brought forever to heel. Karl’s son went on to put together a fleet whose size had never been seen before, and brought relief to his brother’s armies by invading London from the sea, razing the English capitol and bringing terror to their nation, teaching them what happens to the enemies of the Norse. Then he sailed for Ireland, and personally oversaw the full conquest of the Irish.

Karl’s legacy lives on with me a full decade later.

Total War made generals into units you choose an upgrade path for, now. It makes me deeply sad. Because I’ll never get another story like this again, and this? This is what Total War is to me.

[nancydsmithus]

Making Peace With The Feast Or Famine Of Freelancing

Making Peace With The Feast Or Famine Of Freelancing

Liz Elcoate

2019-08-02T14:00:59+02:002019-08-02T12:05:19+00:00

It’s embarrassing to admit — particularly as I host a podcast about this very subject — but I dramatically dropped the ball when it came to booking in projects for this past spring. It just suddenly happened. I was finishing up two major contracts and had the next one in the pipeline. Then out of the blue that client postponed indefinitely and my two big contracts finished and I was left with no work — nothing, zip, zilch.

I’ve been here before for a week or two at a time so the panic didn’t kick in immediately. A week passed and I caught up on a few things and wrote a bit. I updated my portfolio and recorded some podcast episodes. When week two rolled around with no enquiries I put out a lazy tweet saying I was looking for work at the same time as contacting some previous clients and colleagues to see if they had anything that they might need me on. Still nothing. Then week three and week four came and went rapidly and by the end of the first month I was feeling physically ill with panic and worry.

The Panic

The worry wasn’t just financial - financially I was okay for a little while - it was also centred around what this lack of work said about my abilities and my worth.

“

By the beginning of month two I’d stopped sleeping. I was round robin-ing friends and colleagues in wild eyed desperation hoping that they might miraculously have an answer for me. I felt isolated and scared. I was also scattergun-ing job advertisements for anything — full time, contract, part time, freelance — something that would end the worry. And that was the strangest thing of all. The worry wasn’t just financial — financially I was okay for a little while — it was also centred around what this lack of work said about my abilities and my worth.

I just kept wondering why this had happened. I blamed Brexit, the patriarchy, my sex, my age, but more than anything I blamed myself and my obvious huge lack of talent. Why hadn’t I realised it before, why had no one else realised it before?

The Shame

While this inner turmoil was going on I was maintaining an aura of calm to the outside world as I didn’t want anyone to realise I had spectacularly failed. I didn’t want anyone to know how I’d gone from being a relatively successful designer — who’d worked on some brilliant projects with some brilliant people, who wrote about brand design, who hosted a successful podcast, who got asked to speak regularly on the subject of design — to being found out as a talentless fake. I can’t put into words how isolating this was. Feeling it was impossible to be honest about the position I was in to the majority of the people I cared about. I think a few people guessed and I was honest with others close to me but I was in a downward spiral of shame.

The Truth

As I always do when things are tough I decided honesty was the best policy. I thought I would write an article about the position I’d found myself in and the impact it was having on my mental health. I didn’t want to write a how-to-find work piece — there are a million of those — but a piece on the mental implications quiet times can have. Firstly though I needed to talk to other freelancers about their experiences and what better place to do that than on Twitter.

So I asked the question:

I’m writing a thing about freelancing and the feast or famine merry-go-round. If you’re a freelancer what’s the longest period you’ve been without work/new project coming in?

— Liz Elcoate (@liz_e) June 26, 2019

It’s fair to say the answers took me by surprise. Not only had other freelancers been through this but they had also had significant periods of time without work, it was far more common than I had realised.

Times varied from one month to six months to two years without paid work. Most common was around two to three months. But quite a few people also mentioned that they had sustained periods where they had work but it wasn’t enough to pay the bills (something I had definitely experienced). It was also suggested that the quiet times are seasonal which seemed obvious when mentioned but not something I’d really thought about until then.

One person who replied had had to go on benefits, a few others had taken full time roles (of course with the result being that the minute they accepted the position they had a deluge of enquiries from new clients). There were others who had had to use tax money to live on.

Some freelancers had taken on alternative types of creative work such as writing, journalism or creating their own courses.

The Fallout

It was clear that I was not alone and that this was a common pattern for a lot of people. The thing I was most concerned about though was how people coped with this from a mental health stand point. Did it affect other people as dramatically as it effected me?

So I asked Twitter, “What did you do to stay on top of the anxiety and worry when work was dead? Did you manage or did it impact your mental health?”

This to me was the most important question of all. Until this point I hadn’t realised that my self esteem is utterly tied up in my work, so when I’m busy I think “Brilliant, I must be pretty good at this” and when it went quiet I immediately thought “Everybody has realised I’m a talentless idiot”.

Worryingly it seems that I am not alone and this is an all too common feeling. Pavithra Muthalagan replied saying that

Sometimes I feel unemployed even when my bank account is telling me things are fine.

and

… There’s some ingrained mentality defining “success” in a extremely limited/limiting way… imposter syndrome is always hovering over my shoulder

I get this on all levels, it was exactly my experience. My bank account was okay but I felt profoundly unemployed and unemployable. This was far more worrying to me than just the financial impact. I was deeply disappointed that my self esteem and identity were so tied up in how many projects I had on.

Katherine Cory replied to my question about the impact these quiet periods have had on her mental health:

It definitely can. Just the worry of not being able to pay bills can be paralysing but then it becomes a downwards spiral. You take on work you probably wouldn't normally (jobs with red flags) just to be able to pay the bills & then that impacts your mental health even more.

— Katherine Cory 🐝 (@KatherineCory) June 26, 2019

This is a scenario I have also experienced in the past, taking on difficult clients for little money just to get some work in but then the whole project being a nightmare and ending up worse off financially and mentally.

The Positives

But it seems these difficult and stressful times can also be used for growth.

Ben Tallon wrote:

Early on, it used to savage me - self doubt, why is this happening etc. These days they often become the most valuable windows to develop/create the work that brings the good stuff in.

— Ben Tallon Illustration Studio (@BenTallon) June 26, 2019

I love this idea and Ben’s attitude. Viewing these times philosophically and finding value in them is a great way to make peace with the up and down nature of freelancing.

Jon Hicks shared his experience:

The anxiety can be crippling, and demotivates you from doing the things you enjoy that can actually help (in my case cycling). I rediscovered birding, and being out in nature has definitely been the best cure.

— Jon Hicks (@Hicksdesign) June 27, 2019

This was a common theme. Getting outside in nature and pursuing your passions or just having a ramble. Running and upping the time you exercise in quiet times was another great suggestion that several people made. Anything that takes you out of your head and into your body and reminds you of the world outside.

My biggest problem was obsessing over the lack of work and how this defined me as a designer and person. Matt Essam who is a business coach said that he works with clients on this and refers to it as a “scarcity” mindset. He wrote:

I’ve found the only cure to be massive, consistent action. Picking up the phone, going networking etc.

I completely agree with this point however I need to acknowledge it is more easily said than done, especially when your confidence is already rock bottom and you’re riddled with anxiety.

There were other great ideas too. Several people suggested alternative unpaid work — maybe writing or volunteering. Others used their time to learn something new — a coding language or design technique.

One particular reply that really stood out came from Jesse Gardner:

I actually started a little side project where I walked the streets of our nearest city and photographed/interviewed people. It brought me great joy in a time of potential anxiety/depression.

— Jesse Gardner (@plasticmind) June 27, 2019

Jesse started a project where he walked the streets of his neighbourhood photographing and interviewing people. There is a lot in this idea — not only does this kind of project keep you being creative and active, it also creates connection with other people, something fundamental to our mental well being. The completed project called Troy Stories: Stories from people of Troy, NY is inspiring and beautiful.

The Troy Stories Website (Source: Troy Stories) (Large preview)

The Why

It’s clear from the response I had to my Twitter questions that at times freelancing can be high risk both financially and for our overall well-being. Three months, six months or even two years without work is devastating. Being in a position where you have to claim benefits or you’re forced to use up all of your carefully saved tax money can lead to crippling anxiety and dramatic changes in circumstances. So it begs the question — why do we do it?

Ok another freelance ques. Reading all your answers today about periods of uncertainty, mental health issues, financial challenges begs the question - why do we choose to be freelance? Is it worth it?

— Liz Elcoate (@liz_e) June 26, 2019

My particular reasons for freelancing were complex — family, commitments, location, flexibility. I’m a lone parent without financial support and I live in a location where there aren’t many design agencies — particularly ones who would let me work flexibly. But everyone has their own particular reasons that make the uncertainty of freelancing worthwhile.

Naomi Atkinson wrote:

Absolutely. It can be scary/strained at times. But the creative freedom, flexibility of working hours (grabbing that walk/park bench to mull things over), control of working with who we want, and the ability to have as many side projects or businesses as we please… priceless 🙏

— Naomi Atkinson (@BrandedByNaomi) June 27, 2019

This next reply could have been written by me. For many people being able to get outside and walk their dog, and spend time with them is vital to their health and well-being.

I second Naomi. I’m a huge lover of having dogs in my life. Without being freelance/self employed I wouldn’t be able to have one. Can’t imagine a employer would be happy with me escaping for 2-3 hours midday to explore with the dog while making my hours up if needed on evenings!

— AnyForty™ (@AnyForty) June 27, 2019

Steve Morgan makes an excellent point that freelance gives him the opportunity to work with the type of clients he wants to work with in a way that he choses and in the hours that suit him. They’re some pretty compelling reasons.

I missed this tweet earlier. For me it’s: - Having the freedom to pick-&-choose clients, - Having the freedom to do the work the way *I* want to do it, - Having the flexibility to work whenever I want, e.g. not feeling forced into Mon-Fri 9-5.

— Steve Morgan (@steviephil) June 26, 2019

For many, employment just isn’t an option as Katie Cory and Adam Greenough confirmed in their replies.

One word: necessity.

— Katherine Cory 🐝 (@KatherineCory) June 26, 2019

Katie sums it up with one word: necessity. As someone who has ME or Chronic Fatigue Syndrome — Katie has to be able to look after her health, take days out and manage stress. Work when she can and rest when she needs to.

As someone receiving ongoing mental health treatment being freelance gives me freedom to be in control of my own workload and freedom to choose work that I want to do.

— Adam Greenough 👨🏼‍💻 (@adam_greenough) June 26, 2019

Adam’s reply shows that freelancing gives him the flexibility to be able to manage his mental health with ongoing treatment and operate his workload around that.

Personally, if I wanted to I am in a position to go back to being employed (my daughter is now at University) and I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t tempting after the last few months. The thought of a regular income and being able to focus on the creative side of my work without the worry sounds very appealing. But there are also all the things I love and take for granted about freelancing — having time to spend outside, structuring my day how I want, the feeling of accomplishment when a project launches, the autonomy — so for now I am still on this crazy freelance merry-go-round and I’ve learnt a lot over this difficult period.

The Feast Or Famine Toolkit

So what can we keep in our physical and mental tool kit for those inevitable times when work is quiet?

Don’t attach our value to our lack of work.

We must define success for ourselves. It is ludicrous to feel worthy when we have a lot of work on and unworthy when we don’t.

This is based on an outdated limiting model of what success should look like, created during and peddled since the industrial revolution. We are one of the first generations trying to do things differently and redefine “success”. Success that encompasses life and health as well as work, and we should be proud of ourselves for that.

Drop the scattergun approach to finding work.

Don’t do what I did and sit at your desk everyday for 12 hours applying for literally anything — full time jobs, contract, freelance, temping, dog walking. Whilst I think that action is important, it has to be structured. I had got to the point where I had lost direction and was just taking a “throw enough mud at the wall and something will stick” approach. I feel the only thing I was projecting to potential clients/employers at this point was an air of desperation.

I feel the only thing I was projecting to potential clients/employers at this point was an air of desperation.

“

Schedule a specific amount of time each day that is dedicated to finding work. Determine your desired market and then target them in a way that works best for you. One book I read during my time of quiet was Anti-Sell by Steve Morgan. It has some brilliant tips for finding work and generating sales for people who hate selling, like me.

Connect with people.

Kind people have saved my life and my sanity over this period. My mate Andy was always up for a dog walk and let me moan at him, my friends on Twitter were amazing (shout out to Dave Smyth and Naomi Atkinson). Try and attend events where you can meet up with other freelancers. Evenings like Design x Business are great because they remind you why you do what you do and are filled with other freelancers. Never underestimate the power of a good freelance podcast too, there are tons out there.

Keep learning and studying in your chosen field.

Use this time to read some of those design or CSS books you bought but never had time to look at. Think about doing a course — they don’t need to be expensive, places like Skillshare have an enormous choice of brilliant subjects.

Create time in your day to do the work you really want to do.

Set a design challenge (like we used to have in the old days). You could create a brief for a made up dream client and a problem they need solving. Then go to town! Enjoy it, be creative. Remember why you chose this career. It’ll be fun and you’ll have something of value to add to your portfolio.

The work you do while you procrastinate is probably the work you should be doing for the rest of your life.

— Jessica Hische

Get out in nature, it is life saving and it is free.

Studies have proven that nature-based activities have a direct and positive affect on mental health, anxiety and stress. Gardening, conservation and walking are all incredibly good for your mental and physical well-being. If you are able then exercising and running outside is also a great way to combat depression and help with sleeping.

Pursue your hobbies — creative or not.

This was a big one for me. I became locked into nothing but my inability to find work. Going back to the hobbies I enjoyed helped so much. They don’t have to be expensive. Films, cycling, painting, model making, knitting, woodwork, pottery, cooking — whatever takes your fancy. And never underestimate the joys of a good book for pure escapism.

Most importantly, don’t be ashamed.

As my conversation on twitter proved this happens to EVERYONE at some point or another. Even people who we assume are constantly over booked with work. Speak to people and be open and honest. It’s important to let people know you’re available for work. Constantly peddling this outward appearance of being super busy and successful can backfire and mean that people don’t approach you for a project as they assume you will be booked up. I know this has meant that I’ve missed out on exciting things in the past as potential clients assumed I’d be too busy.

Finally, try to grow a financial buffer.

I know, I know — easier said than done. If you’re reading this during a quiet period of work and you’re struggling financially then you may feel this is a case of closing the door after the horse has bolted. And if that is the case then try to focus on the points above and not too much on money. You’re more likely to get out of the dip sooner and with your mental health in better shape if you stay positive and don’t get in the scarcity mindset that I did. Money worries are so pervasive, I know whenever I experience them they can render me completely ineffectual.

With that in mind, when work has picked up again (which it will) start setting aside a little each month for a financial buffer. It is so easy to set up a savings account online. Sometimes you don’t even need to do that. Banks like Starling let you set up Goals on your current account which are like little individual pots that you can save money in and then just shift into your account when you need them. I was lucky I had some savings, other people tweeted stated that they used money they’d saved for tax (which can be a little risky depending on the time of year). The point is, that if you can have an account with a couple of months of money in then that will definitely ease the anxiety.

It is always worth remembering that a quiet period will pass, work will come back in — maybe even tomorrow. My biggest regret is that I let it affect my self esteem and self worth so much and made me doubt all of my accomplishments. It isn’t that your work is rubbish or everyone has finally found out you know nothing. Its just that at this particular moment in time you’ve not reached the people you need to reach or your services just aren’t needed. But rest assured they will be again very soon.

(yk, ra)

[lionheartslowstart]

Mirror Mirror on the Wall

When I say that I struggle with PTSD, I don’t just mean that I struggle with the illness itself. I mean that I struggle with accepting that I have PTSD. I struggle with the idea that it’s an obstacle I have to face. I was just diagnosed with PTSD a few months ago, but in reality, I’ve probably been dealing with it for about four years. Part of the reason why it took me so long to get a diagnosis is because I kept a lot of that part of my life to myself. Only recently did I start discussing my flashbacks, severe panic attacks, and obsessive nature to my psychiatrist. Even now, I always feel like I have to defend my diagnosis, I have to explain how it’s PTSD and not something else. He never hit me. He never outright insulted or belittled me. He didn’t try to cut me off from my family and friends. He never exhibited any of the behaviors that are “staples” of abuse. And yet, I get crippling panic attacks when I feel abandoned, or when I see someone on the subway who looks even remotely like him. I get flashbacks that quite literally knock me to the floor. But that’s not what this post is about, though I’m sure I will make more posts about what caused my PTSD in the future. This post is about how I see myself as a result of what I went through. When I was in high school, I was a (comparatively) petite, blonde girl whose bubbliness filled the room. I was magnetic, people were drawn to me. I never had problems meeting new people, I was never shy or unsure. I was also a canon. I didn’t take shit from anyone. I was the bomb and I knew it. I was fearless, and if someone fucked with me or someone I cared about, they could be sure I would fire back with double the force. I was unapologetic. I hear from a lot of people that I haven’t changed that much, that I’m still basically the same. And while it’s comforting to know that people’s perception of me hasn’t shaken, I know I’ve changed, if only in ways other people can’t see. I’m not fearless anymore. I’m not confident. There is a self-loathing inside me that I can’t quite explain or articulate. But I’m good at faking it. It’s like I’m doing my best to imitate the silhouette of something that used to exist. But inside, I feel empty, like a piece of my soul has been stolen, and I don’t know if I’ll ever get it back. Don’t get me wrong, there are parts of me that have changed for the better. I am much more caring and compassionate than I used to be. Much less selfish. I go out of my way to do things for the people I care about and almost always put others before myself. But even this has become a problem, as I end up not confiding in anyone or putting myself first until my feelings are bubbling over and I no longer have control. Bottom line, I don’t feel safe anymore, not even in my own mind. When I was younger, I was pretty vain. I didn’t feel bad about it, because I was never shallow. The only person whose appearance mattered to me was mine. I would catch myself looking in the mirror every five minutes. I was very particular about make up, jewelry, and clothes. I enjoyed my own vanity. Now, I can barely bring myself to look in the mirror. Something in me breaks when I stare into my own eyes. I trace my lines in the mirror and my fingers don’t recognize the strokes. There is something inherently uncomfortable about seeing myself now, and I’m not quite sure what it is. It’s incredibly difficult to articulate what it feels like to stare at yourself and feel like you don’t exist anymore, and you’re looking at someone different. Your own ghost. However, there are rare occasions where I do see myself. Or at least, glimpses of myself. These, what I call, “sparks of Sophie” are usually triggered when I spend time with people who make me unequivocally happy, who bring out all of my best traits, who make me feel, at least in my very limited capacity, safe. It’s almost as if I become so distracted that my brain shuts off and stops defending itself. Suddenly, I feel powerful, strong, determined, and dare I say, confident. I feel like I’m stepping into an old dress that, ta-dah! still miraculously fits. It’s still a rarity, but these “sparks of Sophie” have been happening more and more frequently. I won’t lie, I catch myself thinking thoughts like “Wow, good job Sophie, it only took you FOUR YEARS to make any sort of progress at all!” But then I try to remind myself that trauma is trauma, and progress is progress. I have a long way to go, but something has changed, something important. It’s going to be a long journey, but I’m going to throw all of my energy into finding myself again. I know she’s buried in there somewhere. I know if I just dig deep enough, I’ll be able to reach her.

[draw-me-some-stories]

First

Okay, here comes Origins 2!

Marinette, sweetheart, your crippling anxiety and self-doubt are showing.

Tom saying he’ll come to the rescue if Ladybug can’t… I love Tom’s dad-ness here. Tom is very dad.

Some of the background extras are cute. I like the girl with the purple hair, green pants and orange shirt.

But… is that the same model as Marinette? Their outfits are even a little similar. Ballet flats, mid-calf length pants (are those called high-waters?), cuffed 3/4 length sleeves. The hair is a similar cut too, just without pigtails. Hm…

Alaya. We’re only on the second episode and you’re already concerning me. You’re obsessed. This is what obsession looks like.

Like half of Ivan’s classmates are focused on what a cool monster he was. Jules is into it. Or, ya’know she would be if she weren’t more into tiny pink idealists.

Kim’s still beings butt, and Chloe’s still Chloe.

(Okay, but was Chloe being Chloe out of concern for Sabrina? Seems possible.)

Adrien arrives!!!

Alaya already has a ladybug charm for her phone…

The gum. Chloe really is childish.

Nino. Nino, you are a shining light. You see a lonely kid with Chloe as his only link to humanity and decide you need to be his friend so hard that you get akumatized over it within an episode. Really, Nino’s a great character.

Ivan… heart crushed by artistic differences. :(

Chloe is annoying enough to get herself impulse-kidnapped.

And speaking of impulsiveness, Marinette’s clever plan to pass off her Miraculous is foiled by Alaya’s.

Adrien is disappointed by the lack of school in his school day. But, hey, super heroing!

Rock on, Stoneheart.

Marinette also befriends people instantly and with all her heart.

I… the word “jokester” just really annoys me. I hate it. I hate that it is an actual real word that actual real people actually use. -♾/10. (Besides, that was a grade A pun. Respect your catboy please, Ladybug.)

Aaaaaand this is where Chloe’s crush on Ladybug begins.

Hawkmoth attempts victim blaming, but Ladybug isn’t having it. (Baby’s first heroic monologue! 🥲)

And this is where Chat’s crush becomes serious…

Okay, miscommunications and magical manipulations aside, we have zero screen time devoted to showing Mylene is in any way interested in Ivan. Why. Pray tell. Are they “perfect for each other” Miss Bug. I don’t care for that.

Chat. My kitten. Blind faith in someone else is the last thing you need in your life. This is the way it’s going to be? Your emotional abuse and neglect are showing, honey.

Obligatory King Kong reference.

What? What exactly did Chat do with his Cataclysm?

K, so Ivan & Mylene are an item. Chat is smitten with Ladybug. And, Ladybug is clearly uninterested in Chat in that way…

Alaya is disappointed to have missed a near death experience.

Adrien now has parental (legally, anyway) permission to attend school! But… does it sound like he previously had more activities than the ones he had to continue doing? I feel bad for this poor over-scheduled boy. Let him sleep!

Maybe a little mean Marinette. But… maybe just more confrontational than I would be comfortable with. Either way your standing up to Chloe seems more effective than what Alaya did last episode.

Nino knows where it’s at. (And where it’s at is Marinette.)

Adrien gets to explain himself!!! (The soft eyes!!! The umbrella!!! 🙀)

Aaaaand, here is where Marinette’s crush develops. Do you think she picks up the obsessiveness from Alaya? Or is it an extension of her anxiety and catastrophizing?

“Just a friend” makes an appearance. But… he’s just so happy about it! Let the boy have friends! Romance is not the be-all and end-all of relationships!

However. Tikki ships it. Plagg ships it. Fu ships it. (I ship it, but I ship just about anything that’s supported by the story, so 🤷🏼‍♀️)

[biofunmy]

For Me, He Was Willing to Face His Worst Fear

During my first few months as an inpatient on the obsessive-compulsive disorder ward, I would stare at the ceiling at night and list all the reasons I wasn’t crazy.

However, the day I paraded across the unit, sleep-deprived, eyes bleary and pushing a moving cart filled with everything I had brought with me and accumulated while there, the task of convincing myself of my sanity became more difficult.

In our hoarding prevention group, the therapist ushered me to stand before the other members, many of them college students on medical leave, like me. That day, I had been chosen to serve as their example of how not to behave during treatment. My error had been furtively accepting various gifts from departing patients so they wouldn’t have to throw them away. My punishment was this public purging.

“You know the drill,” the therapist said. “A third of this junk you can keep. A third goes in the donation pile. The last third you can toss.”

I looked back and forth between the piles of pet rocks with glued-on googly eyes and deflated balloons covered with crudely drawn smiley faces.

Sensing my anxiety, the therapist selected a crumpled, handmade card and said, “How’s this? We’ll start with an easy one.”

I recoiled as if she had suggested cutting off my left arm.

The card was nothing special: small, plain and white, with a simple, if barely legible, message: “There aren’t enough words.”

Josh’s words.

I know that some people find the act of abandoning anything associated with an ex to be cathartic. And I get it. I’m a sucker for metaphors and appreciate the symbolism of erasing all evidence of another person’s involvement in your life, maybe while burning incense and chanting motivational phrases.

However, this kind of purging is much harder when the ex is sitting across from you. When the ex is another resident at the institution. When the ex is someone you met here, see here and still love.

I wasn’t ashamed for Josh to see me cry. Everyone had seen everyone else cry. The tears usually started the minute our families drove off. I was no exception.

That first day, my face was red and blotchy with tears. Yet, when Josh knocked on my door to introduce himself, he told me I cried less than most. Then he asked me out for coffee.

Tall, frail and almost grotesquely skinny, Josh was the kind of person who looked as if the only suntan he’d gotten in recent years was from the glow of a laptop screen. After weighing the merits of joining this strange boy for coffee versus those of counting the holes in my ceiling panels, I agreed.

I would soon learn that he was in the hospital for a slew of reasons, the main one being emetophobia, a fear of vomiting. He was also a fellow hoarder.

“What do you hoard?” I asked.

“Stuffed animals,” he said with a sheepish shrug. “Ever since the ‘Toy Story’ movies, I can’t seem to get rid of them. I know they’re probably not alive and probably don’t have feelings, but what if they do? I don’t want to let them go. Is that crazy?”

It didn’t sound crazy to me, but I wasn’t the best judge. Questions I routinely asked myself included: If I step on a crack, will I really break my mother’s back? If the zombie apocalypse actually does happen, will I die of thirst because I threw away that half-empty water bottle? Is it possible that I’m too broken and defective to ever properly be loved by anyone, even this vomit-fearing boy who loves old stuffed animals?

You get the idea.

Our unconventional romance began when I noticed him scooting his seat closer to mine during therapy, crossing the distance that separated us one chair scrape at a time.

He squirmed when I confronted him. “Sorry. It’s just that when I’m around you, I don’t feel nauseous,” he said. “I don’t get to feel that way very often, so I want to hold onto it.”

This confused me. I wasn’t sneaking him Tums (the doctors had confiscated my stash). I wasn’t a particularly warm or comforting presence. I was just a girl, crippled by severe obsessive-compulsive disorder.

Nevertheless, every day Josh would go out of his way to sit next to me in treatment, during free time, even on field trips (forgoing his anti-nausea seat in the front of the bus to sit with me in the back).

“I’d rather be nauseous with you than not nauseous without you,” he’d say, leaning his head against mine with a weak smile.

The bus arrived at our lakeside destination by nightfall. As we counted the stars, I confided that my previous boyfriend was patient and devoted but couldn’t understand my eccentric love language, where gestures like not holding his hand meant “I haven’t Purelled yet so it isn’t safe to touch you,” or wincing when he called me perfect translated into “I don’t know if I’m good enough to be loved by you.”

Since it seemed no one else could understand our respective love languages, Josh and I developed our own. He never took my hand without asking. And rather than call me “perfect,” he used words like “capable,” “strong” or, simply, “enough.”

After a while, I began to take pride in my role as Josh’s medicine, and he became mine. But too much of anything, including medicine, isn’t a good thing.

Around our third month together, Josh started losing sleep because of nightmares and intrusive thoughts in which I played a starring role. The doctors pulled me aside and told me they were concerned. Relationships while hospitalized, they said, are not advisable because patients tend to associate the gains they make in treatment with their partners and become dependent. When that person leaves, the progress can be erased.

Of course, that hardly stopped anyone. Most of the patients on the ward were young, emotionally vulnerable and living in close quarters. Relationships among us, from hookups to longer term, were more common than not.

The danger with Josh and me, as the doctors said, was that he would associate being in my company with feeling good. For his own mental health, he would need to learn how to feel well without me. And I would have to do the same.

Soon after, I found myself broken up with, feeling abandoned in the way I did when my parents’ car pulled away. Later it would occur to me that the doctors probably gave Josh the same speech about hindering the other’s progress, and he had taken it to heart.

But as I stood in hoarding prevention group that day, clutching that stupid card like a lifeline, the notion had not crossed my mind. The pain ached like a fresh wound. My only thought was that I had been let go and was being forced to let go in turn.

As I began to sob, I felt a pair of arms encircle me. I knew immediately whose they were. And although the romantic in me rejoiced, the more primal part screamed in protest. My insides churned as if having a gastrointestinal reaction to being loved.

I knew the words to make him let go: “Josh. Please stop. If you don’t, I’m going to throw up on you.”

He shook his head into my shoulder. “I don’t care,” he said.

I doubt many couples’ most romantic moment involves one person threatening to throw up on the other and having him say O.K., but it was ours. And I wish I could say that afterward we left the institution and raced off into the sunset arm in arm, stomping on cracks in the pavement all the while, but that’s not what happened.

We did leave the institution, but not together. And we didn’t leave finding ourselves miraculously healed either.

And that’s O.K.

I still appreciate the love I shared with Josh. I cherish the things I was able to do with him by my side, even more so because those accomplishments remained after I let him go.

I will always have obsessive-compulsive disorder. I will always have the urge to jump over sidewalk cracks and stash old water bottles in case of natural disaster. I will always have the urge to shut myself down and shut people out because my struggles are mine, my junk cart is mine, my baggage is mine and mine alone. But suffering from mental illness doesn’t mean you need to carry your load by yourself.

We are all broken, flawed, either in the same way or in ways that complement each other. With Josh and me, loving what was broken about him helped me learn to love what was broken about myself. Accepting parts of Josh taught me to accept parts I could not accept in myself.

While that hasn’t made me perfect, it has made me feel like I’m enough.

Meaghan Mahoney, a finalist in the Modern Love college essay contest, graduates this month from Columbia University.

Modern Love can be reached at modernlove@nytimes.com.

To hear Modern Love: The Podcast, subscribe on iTunes or Google Play Music. To read past Modern Love columns, click here. Continue following our fashion and lifestyle coverage on Facebook (Styles and Modern Love), Twitter (Styles, Fashion and Weddings) and Instagram.

Sahred From Source link Fashion and Style

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[fishermariawo]

I Simply Could Not Accept the “You’re Just Getting Old” Excuse

It’s Friday, everyone! And that means another Primal Blueprint Real Life Story from a Mark’s Daily Apple reader. If you have your own success story and would like to share it with me and the Mark’s Daily Apple community please contact me here. I’ll continue to publish these each Friday as long as they keep coming in. Thank you for reading!

In the summer of 2012, I was like the vast majority of people (and doctors, for that matter)—entirely ignorant of the role nutrition plays on health. Little did I know how absorbed I’d become in the burgeoning ancestral health movement. In fact, if someone were to have told me then that I’d be a health coach by 2016, I would’ve laughed in their face and rolled my eyes, slowly backing away.

However, I’ve always had a passion for science and how it should shape spirituality. This passion led me to obtaining my Bachelor Degree in Geology—the rationale being that if I understood how the earth works, then I could gain a better understanding of how life (and thus mankind) propagated and succeeded on this beautiful planet. From there, I would have a strong base upon which to build a logical, spiritual relationship with the universe.

Part of my coursework included historical paleontology, which details how life grew and changed through time. I found this subject particularly fascinating, and throughout my career in the environmental field I continually enjoyed learning more and more about it, though it played a very minimal role in my profession and I was unsure about how I would ever utilize that sort of information. Enter the ancestral health movement. However, let’s backtrack a bit first…

Years ago I went to the doctor complaining of occasional severe pains in my right foot. The pain would occur instantaneously, and disappear equally as fast, like a bolt of lightning. An X-ray revealed bone spurs, and when I asked the doctor why I was apparently susceptible to them, he replied that it was likely due to arthritis setting in at my age. I was in my mid-30s at the time, and this was an entirely unacceptable explanation to me, having been an athlete and in good shape throughout my years.

Not long afterwards, during an annual physical exam, my doctor told me that my cholesterol was borderline high. Since both of my parents died relatively young due to cardiovascular problems, he prescribed a precautionary statin drug for me. When I asked why my cholesterol was high, he responded that it’s typical with increasing age. I was around 40 at the time, and this was another entirely unacceptable explanation. Not knowing any better, I began a daily statin regimen.

In May of 2009, I met a particularly intelligent and beautiful woman, Camille, who would eventually become my wife. She was finishing up med school at the time, and was experiencing inexplicable digestive issues severe enough that she could hardly eat even a small portion of a meal. Since standard doctors could not determine the cause, she was prescribed proton pump inhibitors and given the designation of an IBS sufferer with chronic reflux.

Being a scientist, I was certain that there were completely logical explanations for both of our health conditions. I simply could not accept the ubiquitous “You’re just getting old” excuse with its subsequent prescription drug regimens. However, not being versed in health or nutrition at the time, I found myself at a loss for adequate and accurate alternative explanations.

Then, in August of 2012, I heard an interview with Robb Wolf on one of my favorite podcasts. During the interview, he rattled off virtually every single symptom that both Camille and I had been experiencing for the last few years, and mentioned that improper nutrition was likely the root cause. We immediately implemented the Paleo Diet and, at the risk of sounding like a zealot or cheesy infomercial salesman, we experienced miraculous results virtually overnight. Camille no longer uses prescription PPIs, and I no longer take the statin or experience the crippling pains of arthritis. In fact, 3 months after going Paleo, having reviewed my expanded blood lipid panel, my doctor stated, “You have the blood of an 18-year old.” I sure wish I would’ve kept that voicemail.

Little did I realize that this new diet would quickly become my passion in the years to come. I became obsessed and absorbed with all things Paleo, and began advising friends and acquaintances on their nutrition, to incredible effect. Through the people I helped, I had an epiphany – I would absolutely LOVE to do this as a profession! But, of course, I was missing something – legitimacy. I scoured the interwebs for any sort of ancestral health certification program, to no avail. All I could find were weekend life- or fitness coaching certs that looked like they were more interested in getting my credit card number than actually providing knowledge or benefits of their program. Then, as if the universe had heard my frustrated cries for help, Mark Sisson came out with his Primal Blueprint Expert Certification (so named at the time). It was PRECISELY what I wanted – what I NEEDED – and I signed up as quickly as I could.

Alas, I didn’t have to go through a traditional school and labor through years of now-thoroughly-debunked pseudoscience proclaiming grains as an essential source of nutrition and other such nonsense. I could learn from the most distinguished people in the cutting-edge ancestral health movement, widening my knowledge not only of what works health-wise, but most importantly WHY it works. To top it all off, while the certification would require hard work in understanding the core health principles, it could be done from the comfort of my own home in a time frame of my own choosing – which was extremely important given the fact that I already had a full-time job. Within about 6 months, I became Primal Blueprint Certified Expert #239.

In the meantime, Camille finished med school but had become frustrated that modern medical practices had essentially become nothing but compartmentalized pill dispensaries, focusing little (if at all) on giving patients the knowledge needed for good preventative care and building natural health. So she turned her attention to learning more about alternative health modalities in an effort to help people construct a strong, natural foundation of health. With her degrees and certifications in these various alternative practices, and with my becoming a Certified Primal Blueprint Expert (again, so named at the time), we decided to combine our passions and start our own company—McClellan Natural Health, Wellness & Nutrition.

However, we had absolutely ZERO entrepreneurial experience. We had NO idea where to start! We quickly found that you can’t just create a website and expect clients to come stampeding through your doors. It takes a plan—and we didn’t have one. We struggled, not knowing where to turn or whom to turn to. There were plenty of people out there who were more than willing to take our money and offer generic entrepreneurial advice, but no one had expertise in the field of our passion—natural health – which is a much different niche than just selling a product. We suffered and barely scraped by, wondering and doubting if we’d really get to help people as much as we KNEW we could.

And then, once again, as if the universe (or at least Mark Sisson) had heard my frustrated cries for help, the Primal Health Coaching (PHC) modules came out, supplementing the Primal Blueprint Expert Certification program! The coaching modules provided lessons on everything we needed, from starting a business to gaining clients, coaching them, and marketing/growing your business, not to mention the fantastic PHC resource library. And it works! We started gaining clients!

The PHC resource library is an absolute must-have for our business. It has all of the information to provide to clients and/or market our company. Some days I just surf the PHC resource pages to explore the new materials and incorporate them into our business and health programs! I even find material that helps me with my own personal health issues! We simply cannot express enough gratitude to the PHC team for basically providing us with everything we need to succeed!

Camille and I have seen such incredible results from our clients that we’ve made it our mission to positively affect the health and lives of as many people as possible in the time we have left on this planet. Hats off and a tremendous THANK YOU to Mark Sisson and the PHC team for providing the knowledge and resources that allow us to not only live an optimally healthy lifestyle, but also pursue our passion and truly live the American dream! You’re the best!

Bret McClellan, McClellan Natural Health, Wellness & Nutrition, LLC

Want to make fat loss easier? Try the Definitive Guide for Troubleshooting Weight Loss for free here.

[milenasanchezmk]

I Simply Could Not Accept the “You’re Just Getting Old” Excuse

It’s Friday, everyone! And that means another Primal Blueprint Real Life Story from a Mark’s Daily Apple reader. If you have your own success story and would like to share it with me and the Mark’s Daily Apple community please contact me here. I’ll continue to publish these each Friday as long as they keep coming in. Thank you for reading!

In the summer of 2012, I was like the vast majority of people (and doctors, for that matter)—entirely ignorant of the role nutrition plays on health. Little did I know how absorbed I’d become in the burgeoning ancestral health movement. In fact, if someone were to have told me then that I’d be a health coach by 2016, I would’ve laughed in their face and rolled my eyes, slowly backing away.

However, I’ve always had a passion for science and how it should shape spirituality. This passion led me to obtaining my Bachelor Degree in Geology—the rationale being that if I understood how the earth works, then I could gain a better understanding of how life (and thus mankind) propagated and succeeded on this beautiful planet. From there, I would have a strong base upon which to build a logical, spiritual relationship with the universe.

Part of my coursework included historical paleontology, which details how life grew and changed through time. I found this subject particularly fascinating, and throughout my career in the environmental field I continually enjoyed learning more and more about it, though it played a very minimal role in my profession and I was unsure about how I would ever utilize that sort of information. Enter the ancestral health movement. However, let’s backtrack a bit first…

Years ago I went to the doctor complaining of occasional severe pains in my right foot. The pain would occur instantaneously, and disappear equally as fast, like a bolt of lightning. An X-ray revealed bone spurs, and when I asked the doctor why I was apparently susceptible to them, he replied that it was likely due to arthritis setting in at my age. I was in my mid-30s at the time, and this was an entirely unacceptable explanation to me, having been an athlete and in good shape throughout my years.

Not long afterwards, during an annual physical exam, my doctor told me that my cholesterol was borderline high. Since both of my parents died relatively young due to cardiovascular problems, he prescribed a precautionary statin drug for me. When I asked why my cholesterol was high, he responded that it’s typical with increasing age. I was around 40 at the time, and this was another entirely unacceptable explanation. Not knowing any better, I began a daily statin regimen.

In May of 2009, I met a particularly intelligent and beautiful woman, Camille, who would eventually become my wife. She was finishing up med school at the time, and was experiencing inexplicable digestive issues severe enough that she could hardly eat even a small portion of a meal. Since standard doctors could not determine the cause, she was prescribed proton pump inhibitors and given the designation of an IBS sufferer with chronic reflux.

Being a scientist, I was certain that there were completely logical explanations for both of our health conditions. I simply could not accept the ubiquitous “You’re just getting old” excuse with its subsequent prescription drug regimens. However, not being versed in health or nutrition at the time, I found myself at a loss for adequate and accurate alternative explanations.

Then, in August of 2012, I heard an interview with Robb Wolf on one of my favorite podcasts. During the interview, he rattled off virtually every single symptom that both Camille and I had been experiencing for the last few years, and mentioned that improper nutrition was likely the root cause. We immediately implemented the Paleo Diet and, at the risk of sounding like a zealot or cheesy infomercial salesman, we experienced miraculous results virtually overnight. Camille no longer uses prescription PPIs, and I no longer take the statin or experience the crippling pains of arthritis. In fact, 3 months after going Paleo, having reviewed my expanded blood lipid panel, my doctor stated, “You have the blood of an 18-year old.” I sure wish I would’ve kept that voicemail.

Little did I realize that this new diet would quickly become my passion in the years to come. I became obsessed and absorbed with all things Paleo, and began advising friends and acquaintances on their nutrition, to incredible effect. Through the people I helped, I had an epiphany – I would absolutely LOVE to do this as a profession! But, of course, I was missing something – legitimacy. I scoured the interwebs for any sort of ancestral health certification program, to no avail. All I could find were weekend life- or fitness coaching certs that looked like they were more interested in getting my credit card number than actually providing knowledge or benefits of their program. Then, as if the universe had heard my frustrated cries for help, Mark Sisson came out with his Primal Blueprint Expert Certification (so named at the time). It was PRECISELY what I wanted – what I NEEDED – and I signed up as quickly as I could.

Alas, I didn’t have to go through a traditional school and labor through years of now-thoroughly-debunked pseudoscience proclaiming grains as an essential source of nutrition and other such nonsense. I could learn from the most distinguished people in the cutting-edge ancestral health movement, widening my knowledge not only of what works health-wise, but most importantly WHY it works. To top it all off, while the certification would require hard work in understanding the core health principles, it could be done from the comfort of my own home in a time frame of my own choosing – which was extremely important given the fact that I already had a full-time job. Within about 6 months, I became Primal Blueprint Certified Expert #239.

In the meantime, Camille finished med school but had become frustrated that modern medical practices had essentially become nothing but compartmentalized pill dispensaries, focusing little (if at all) on giving patients the knowledge needed for good preventative care and building natural health. So she turned her attention to learning more about alternative health modalities in an effort to help people construct a strong, natural foundation of health. With her degrees and certifications in these various alternative practices, and with my becoming a Certified Primal Blueprint Expert (again, so named at the time), we decided to combine our passions and start our own company—McClellan Natural Health, Wellness & Nutrition.

However, we had absolutely ZERO entrepreneurial experience. We had NO idea where to start! We quickly found that you can’t just create a website and expect clients to come stampeding through your doors. It takes a plan—and we didn’t have one. We struggled, not knowing where to turn or whom to turn to. There were plenty of people out there who were more than willing to take our money and offer generic entrepreneurial advice, but no one had expertise in the field of our passion—natural health – which is a much different niche than just selling a product. We suffered and barely scraped by, wondering and doubting if we’d really get to help people as much as we KNEW we could.

And then, once again, as if the universe (or at least Mark Sisson) had heard my frustrated cries for help, the Primal Health Coaching (PHC) modules came out, supplementing the Primal Blueprint Expert Certification program! The coaching modules provided lessons on everything we needed, from starting a business to gaining clients, coaching them, and marketing/growing your business, not to mention the fantastic PHC resource library. And it works! We started gaining clients!

The PHC resource library is an absolute must-have for our business. It has all of the information to provide to clients and/or market our company. Some days I just surf the PHC resource pages to explore the new materials and incorporate them into our business and health programs! I even find material that helps me with my own personal health issues! We simply cannot express enough gratitude to the PHC team for basically providing us with everything we need to succeed!

Camille and I have seen such incredible results from our clients that we’ve made it our mission to positively affect the health and lives of as many people as possible in the time we have left on this planet. Hats off and a tremendous THANK YOU to Mark Sisson and the PHC team for providing the knowledge and resources that allow us to not only live an optimally healthy lifestyle, but also pursue our passion and truly live the American dream! You’re the best!

Bret McClellan, McClellan Natural Health, Wellness & Nutrition, LLC

Want to make fat loss easier? Try the Definitive Guide for Troubleshooting Weight Loss for free here.

[watsonrodriquezie]

I Simply Could Not Accept the “You’re Just Getting Old” Excuse

It’s Friday, everyone! And that means another Primal Blueprint Real Life Story from a Mark’s Daily Apple reader. If you have your own success story and would like to share it with me and the Mark’s Daily Apple community please contact me here. I’ll continue to publish these each Friday as long as they keep coming in. Thank you for reading!

In the summer of 2012, I was like the vast majority of people (and doctors, for that matter)—entirely ignorant of the role nutrition plays on health. Little did I know how absorbed I’d become in the burgeoning ancestral health movement. In fact, if someone were to have told me then that I’d be a health coach by 2016, I would’ve laughed in their face and rolled my eyes, slowly backing away.

However, I’ve always had a passion for science and how it should shape spirituality. This passion led me to obtaining my Bachelor Degree in Geology—the rationale being that if I understood how the earth works, then I could gain a better understanding of how life (and thus mankind) propagated and succeeded on this beautiful planet. From there, I would have a strong base upon which to build a logical, spiritual relationship with the universe.

Part of my coursework included historical paleontology, which details how life grew and changed through time. I found this subject particularly fascinating, and throughout my career in the environmental field I continually enjoyed learning more and more about it, though it played a very minimal role in my profession and I was unsure about how I would ever utilize that sort of information. Enter the ancestral health movement. However, let’s backtrack a bit first…

Years ago I went to the doctor complaining of occasional severe pains in my right foot. The pain would occur instantaneously, and disappear equally as fast, like a bolt of lightning. An X-ray revealed bone spurs, and when I asked the doctor why I was apparently susceptible to them, he replied that it was likely due to arthritis setting in at my age. I was in my mid-30s at the time, and this was an entirely unacceptable explanation to me, having been an athlete and in good shape throughout my years.

Not long afterwards, during an annual physical exam, my doctor told me that my cholesterol was borderline high. Since both of my parents died relatively young due to cardiovascular problems, he prescribed a precautionary statin drug for me. When I asked why my cholesterol was high, he responded that it’s typical with increasing age. I was around 40 at the time, and this was another entirely unacceptable explanation. Not knowing any better, I began a daily statin regimen.

In May of 2009, I met a particularly intelligent and beautiful woman, Camille, who would eventually become my wife. She was finishing up med school at the time, and was experiencing inexplicable digestive issues severe enough that she could hardly eat even a small portion of a meal. Since standard doctors could not determine the cause, she was prescribed proton pump inhibitors and given the designation of an IBS sufferer with chronic reflux.

Being a scientist, I was certain that there were completely logical explanations for both of our health conditions. I simply could not accept the ubiquitous “You’re just getting old” excuse with its subsequent prescription drug regimens. However, not being versed in health or nutrition at the time, I found myself at a loss for adequate and accurate alternative explanations.

Then, in August of 2012, I heard an interview with Robb Wolf on one of my favorite podcasts. During the interview, he rattled off virtually every single symptom that both Camille and I had been experiencing for the last few years, and mentioned that improper nutrition was likely the root cause. We immediately implemented the Paleo Diet and, at the risk of sounding like a zealot or cheesy infomercial salesman, we experienced miraculous results virtually overnight. Camille no longer uses prescription PPIs, and I no longer take the statin or experience the crippling pains of arthritis. In fact, 3 months after going Paleo, having reviewed my expanded blood lipid panel, my doctor stated, “You have the blood of an 18-year old.” I sure wish I would’ve kept that voicemail.

Little did I realize that this new diet would quickly become my passion in the years to come. I became obsessed and absorbed with all things Paleo, and began advising friends and acquaintances on their nutrition, to incredible effect. Through the people I helped, I had an epiphany – I would absolutely LOVE to do this as a profession! But, of course, I was missing something – legitimacy. I scoured the interwebs for any sort of ancestral health certification program, to no avail. All I could find were weekend life- or fitness coaching certs that looked like they were more interested in getting my credit card number than actually providing knowledge or benefits of their program. Then, as if the universe had heard my frustrated cries for help, Mark Sisson came out with his Primal Blueprint Expert Certification (so named at the time). It was PRECISELY what I wanted – what I NEEDED – and I signed up as quickly as I could.

Alas, I didn’t have to go through a traditional school and labor through years of now-thoroughly-debunked pseudoscience proclaiming grains as an essential source of nutrition and other such nonsense. I could learn from the most distinguished people in the cutting-edge ancestral health movement, widening my knowledge not only of what works health-wise, but most importantly WHY it works. To top it all off, while the certification would require hard work in understanding the core health principles, it could be done from the comfort of my own home in a time frame of my own choosing – which was extremely important given the fact that I already had a full-time job. Within about 6 months, I became Primal Blueprint Certified Expert #239.

In the meantime, Camille finished med school but had become frustrated that modern medical practices had essentially become nothing but compartmentalized pill dispensaries, focusing little (if at all) on giving patients the knowledge needed for good preventative care and building natural health. So she turned her attention to learning more about alternative health modalities in an effort to help people construct a strong, natural foundation of health. With her degrees and certifications in these various alternative practices, and with my becoming a Certified Primal Blueprint Expert (again, so named at the time), we decided to combine our passions and start our own company—McClellan Natural Health, Wellness & Nutrition.

However, we had absolutely ZERO entrepreneurial experience. We had NO idea where to start! We quickly found that you can’t just create a website and expect clients to come stampeding through your doors. It takes a plan—and we didn’t have one. We struggled, not knowing where to turn or whom to turn to. There were plenty of people out there who were more than willing to take our money and offer generic entrepreneurial advice, but no one had expertise in the field of our passion—natural health – which is a much different niche than just selling a product. We suffered and barely scraped by, wondering and doubting if we’d really get to help people as much as we KNEW we could.

And then, once again, as if the universe (or at least Mark Sisson) had heard my frustrated cries for help, the Primal Health Coaching (PHC) modules came out, supplementing the Primal Blueprint Expert Certification program! The coaching modules provided lessons on everything we needed, from starting a business to gaining clients, coaching them, and marketing/growing your business, not to mention the fantastic PHC resource library. And it works! We started gaining clients!

The PHC resource library is an absolute must-have for our business. It has all of the information to provide to clients and/or market our company. Some days I just surf the PHC resource pages to explore the new materials and incorporate them into our business and health programs! I even find material that helps me with my own personal health issues! We simply cannot express enough gratitude to the PHC team for basically providing us with everything we need to succeed!

Camille and I have seen such incredible results from our clients that we’ve made it our mission to positively affect the health and lives of as many people as possible in the time we have left on this planet. Hats off and a tremendous THANK YOU to Mark Sisson and the PHC team for providing the knowledge and resources that allow us to not only live an optimally healthy lifestyle, but also pursue our passion and truly live the American dream! You’re the best!

Bret McClellan, McClellan Natural Health, Wellness & Nutrition, LLC

Want to make fat loss easier? Try the Definitive Guide for Troubleshooting Weight Loss for free here.

[cristinajourdanqp]

I Simply Could Not Accept the “You’re Just Getting Old” Excuse

It’s Friday, everyone! And that means another Primal Blueprint Real Life Story from a Mark’s Daily Apple reader. If you have your own success story and would like to share it with me and the Mark’s Daily Apple community please contact me here. I’ll continue to publish these each Friday as long as they keep coming in. Thank you for reading!

In the summer of 2012, I was like the vast majority of people (and doctors, for that matter)—entirely ignorant of the role nutrition plays on health. Little did I know how absorbed I’d become in the burgeoning ancestral health movement. In fact, if someone were to have told me then that I’d be a health coach by 2016, I would’ve laughed in their face and rolled my eyes, slowly backing away.

However, I’ve always had a passion for science and how it should shape spirituality. This passion led me to obtaining my Bachelor Degree in Geology—the rationale being that if I understood how the earth works, then I could gain a better understanding of how life (and thus mankind) propagated and succeeded on this beautiful planet. From there, I would have a strong base upon which to build a logical, spiritual relationship with the universe.

Part of my coursework included historical paleontology, which details how life grew and changed through time. I found this subject particularly fascinating, and throughout my career in the environmental field I continually enjoyed learning more and more about it, though it played a very minimal role in my profession and I was unsure about how I would ever utilize that sort of information. Enter the ancestral health movement. However, let’s backtrack a bit first…

Years ago I went to the doctor complaining of occasional severe pains in my right foot. The pain would occur instantaneously, and disappear equally as fast, like a bolt of lightning. An X-ray revealed bone spurs, and when I asked the doctor why I was apparently susceptible to them, he replied that it was likely due to arthritis setting in at my age. I was in my mid-30s at the time, and this was an entirely unacceptable explanation to me, having been an athlete and in good shape throughout my years.

Not long afterwards, during an annual physical exam, my doctor told me that my cholesterol was borderline high. Since both of my parents died relatively young due to cardiovascular problems, he prescribed a precautionary statin drug for me. When I asked why my cholesterol was high, he responded that it’s typical with increasing age. I was around 40 at the time, and this was another entirely unacceptable explanation. Not knowing any better, I began a daily statin regimen.

In May of 2009, I met a particularly intelligent and beautiful woman, Camille, who would eventually become my wife. She was finishing up med school at the time, and was experiencing inexplicable digestive issues severe enough that she could hardly eat even a small portion of a meal. Since standard doctors could not determine the cause, she was prescribed proton pump inhibitors and given the designation of an IBS sufferer with chronic reflux.

Being a scientist, I was certain that there were completely logical explanations for both of our health conditions. I simply could not accept the ubiquitous “You’re just getting old” excuse with its subsequent prescription drug regimens. However, not being versed in health or nutrition at the time, I found myself at a loss for adequate and accurate alternative explanations.

Then, in August of 2012, I heard an interview with Robb Wolf on one of my favorite podcasts. During the interview, he rattled off virtually every single symptom that both Camille and I had been experiencing for the last few years, and mentioned that improper nutrition was likely the root cause. We immediately implemented the Paleo Diet and, at the risk of sounding like a zealot or cheesy infomercial salesman, we experienced miraculous results virtually overnight. Camille no longer uses prescription PPIs, and I no longer take the statin or experience the crippling pains of arthritis. In fact, 3 months after going Paleo, having reviewed my expanded blood lipid panel, my doctor stated, “You have the blood of an 18-year old.” I sure wish I would’ve kept that voicemail.

Little did I realize that this new diet would quickly become my passion in the years to come. I became obsessed and absorbed with all things Paleo, and began advising friends and acquaintances on their nutrition, to incredible effect. Through the people I helped, I had an epiphany – I would absolutely LOVE to do this as a profession! But, of course, I was missing something – legitimacy. I scoured the interwebs for any sort of ancestral health certification program, to no avail. All I could find were weekend life- or fitness coaching certs that looked like they were more interested in getting my credit card number than actually providing knowledge or benefits of their program. Then, as if the universe had heard my frustrated cries for help, Mark Sisson came out with his Primal Blueprint Expert Certification (so named at the time). It was PRECISELY what I wanted – what I NEEDED – and I signed up as quickly as I could.

Alas, I didn’t have to go through a traditional school and labor through years of now-thoroughly-debunked pseudoscience proclaiming grains as an essential source of nutrition and other such nonsense. I could learn from the most distinguished people in the cutting-edge ancestral health movement, widening my knowledge not only of what works health-wise, but most importantly WHY it works. To top it all off, while the certification would require hard work in understanding the core health principles, it could be done from the comfort of my own home in a time frame of my own choosing – which was extremely important given the fact that I already had a full-time job. Within about 6 months, I became Primal Blueprint Certified Expert #239.

In the meantime, Camille finished med school but had become frustrated that modern medical practices had essentially become nothing but compartmentalized pill dispensaries, focusing little (if at all) on giving patients the knowledge needed for good preventative care and building natural health. So she turned her attention to learning more about alternative health modalities in an effort to help people construct a strong, natural foundation of health. With her degrees and certifications in these various alternative practices, and with my becoming a Certified Primal Blueprint Expert (again, so named at the time), we decided to combine our passions and start our own company—McClellan Natural Health, Wellness & Nutrition.

However, we had absolutely ZERO entrepreneurial experience. We had NO idea where to start! We quickly found that you can’t just create a website and expect clients to come stampeding through your doors. It takes a plan—and we didn’t have one. We struggled, not knowing where to turn or whom to turn to. There were plenty of people out there who were more than willing to take our money and offer generic entrepreneurial advice, but no one had expertise in the field of our passion—natural health – which is a much different niche than just selling a product. We suffered and barely scraped by, wondering and doubting if we’d really get to help people as much as we KNEW we could.

And then, once again, as if the universe (or at least Mark Sisson) had heard my frustrated cries for help, the Primal Health Coaching (PHC) modules came out, supplementing the Primal Blueprint Expert Certification program! The coaching modules provided lessons on everything we needed, from starting a business to gaining clients, coaching them, and marketing/growing your business, not to mention the fantastic PHC resource library. And it works! We started gaining clients!

The PHC resource library is an absolute must-have for our business. It has all of the information to provide to clients and/or market our company. Some days I just surf the PHC resource pages to explore the new materials and incorporate them into our business and health programs! I even find material that helps me with my own personal health issues! We simply cannot express enough gratitude to the PHC team for basically providing us with everything we need to succeed!

Camille and I have seen such incredible results from our clients that we’ve made it our mission to positively affect the health and lives of as many people as possible in the time we have left on this planet. Hats off and a tremendous THANK YOU to Mark Sisson and the PHC team for providing the knowledge and resources that allow us to not only live an optimally healthy lifestyle, but also pursue our passion and truly live the American dream! You’re the best!

Bret McClellan, McClellan Natural Health, Wellness & Nutrition, LLC

Want to make fat loss easier? Try the Definitive Guide for Troubleshooting Weight Loss for free here.

[cynthiamwashington]

I Simply Could Not Accept the “You’re Just Getting Old” Excuse

It’s Friday, everyone! And that means another Primal Blueprint Real Life Story from a Mark’s Daily Apple reader. If you have your own success story and would like to share it with me and the Mark’s Daily Apple community please contact me here. I’ll continue to publish these each Friday as long as they keep coming in. Thank you for reading!

In the summer of 2012, I was like the vast majority of people (and doctors, for that matter)—entirely ignorant of the role nutrition plays on health. Little did I know how absorbed I’d become in the burgeoning ancestral health movement. In fact, if someone were to have told me then that I’d be a health coach by 2016, I would’ve laughed in their face and rolled my eyes, slowly backing away.

However, I’ve always had a passion for science and how it should shape spirituality. This passion led me to obtaining my Bachelor Degree in Geology—the rationale being that if I understood how the earth works, then I could gain a better understanding of how life (and thus mankind) propagated and succeeded on this beautiful planet. From there, I would have a strong base upon which to build a logical, spiritual relationship with the universe.

Part of my coursework included historical paleontology, which details how life grew and changed through time. I found this subject particularly fascinating, and throughout my career in the environmental field I continually enjoyed learning more and more about it, though it played a very minimal role in my profession and I was unsure about how I would ever utilize that sort of information. Enter the ancestral health movement. However, let’s backtrack a bit first…

Years ago I went to the doctor complaining of occasional severe pains in my right foot. The pain would occur instantaneously, and disappear equally as fast, like a bolt of lightning. An X-ray revealed bone spurs, and when I asked the doctor why I was apparently susceptible to them, he replied that it was likely due to arthritis setting in at my age. I was in my mid-30s at the time, and this was an entirely unacceptable explanation to me, having been an athlete and in good shape throughout my years.

Not long afterwards, during an annual physical exam, my doctor told me that my cholesterol was borderline high. Since both of my parents died relatively young due to cardiovascular problems, he prescribed a precautionary statin drug for me. When I asked why my cholesterol was high, he responded that it’s typical with increasing age. I was around 40 at the time, and this was another entirely unacceptable explanation. Not knowing any better, I began a daily statin regimen.

In May of 2009, I met a particularly intelligent and beautiful woman, Camille, who would eventually become my wife. She was finishing up med school at the time, and was experiencing inexplicable digestive issues severe enough that she could hardly eat even a small portion of a meal. Since standard doctors could not determine the cause, she was prescribed proton pump inhibitors and given the designation of an IBS sufferer with chronic reflux.

Being a scientist, I was certain that there were completely logical explanations for both of our health conditions. I simply could not accept the ubiquitous “You’re just getting old” excuse with its subsequent prescription drug regimens. However, not being versed in health or nutrition at the time, I found myself at a loss for adequate and accurate alternative explanations.

Then, in August of 2012, I heard an interview with Robb Wolf on one of my favorite podcasts. During the interview, he rattled off virtually every single symptom that both Camille and I had been experiencing for the last few years, and mentioned that improper nutrition was likely the root cause. We immediately implemented the Paleo Diet and, at the risk of sounding like a zealot or cheesy infomercial salesman, we experienced miraculous results virtually overnight. Camille no longer uses prescription PPIs, and I no longer take the statin or experience the crippling pains of arthritis. In fact, 3 months after going Paleo, having reviewed my expanded blood lipid panel, my doctor stated, “You have the blood of an 18-year old.” I sure wish I would’ve kept that voicemail.

Little did I realize that this new diet would quickly become my passion in the years to come. I became obsessed and absorbed with all things Paleo, and began advising friends and acquaintances on their nutrition, to incredible effect. Through the people I helped, I had an epiphany – I would absolutely LOVE to do this as a profession! But, of course, I was missing something – legitimacy. I scoured the interwebs for any sort of ancestral health certification program, to no avail. All I could find were weekend life- or fitness coaching certs that looked like they were more interested in getting my credit card number than actually providing knowledge or benefits of their program. Then, as if the universe had heard my frustrated cries for help, Mark Sisson came out with his Primal Blueprint Expert Certification (so named at the time). It was PRECISELY what I wanted – what I NEEDED – and I signed up as quickly as I could.

Alas, I didn’t have to go through a traditional school and labor through years of now-thoroughly-debunked pseudoscience proclaiming grains as an essential source of nutrition and other such nonsense. I could learn from the most distinguished people in the cutting-edge ancestral health movement, widening my knowledge not only of what works health-wise, but most importantly WHY it works. To top it all off, while the certification would require hard work in understanding the core health principles, it could be done from the comfort of my own home in a time frame of my own choosing – which was extremely important given the fact that I already had a full-time job. Within about 6 months, I became Primal Blueprint Certified Expert #239.

In the meantime, Camille finished med school but had become frustrated that modern medical practices had essentially become nothing but compartmentalized pill dispensaries, focusing little (if at all) on giving patients the knowledge needed for good preventative care and building natural health. So she turned her attention to learning more about alternative health modalities in an effort to help people construct a strong, natural foundation of health. With her degrees and certifications in these various alternative practices, and with my becoming a Certified Primal Blueprint Expert (again, so named at the time), we decided to combine our passions and start our own company—McClellan Natural Health, Wellness & Nutrition.

However, we had absolutely ZERO entrepreneurial experience. We had NO idea where to start! We quickly found that you can’t just create a website and expect clients to come stampeding through your doors. It takes a plan—and we didn’t have one. We struggled, not knowing where to turn or whom to turn to. There were plenty of people out there who were more than willing to take our money and offer generic entrepreneurial advice, but no one had expertise in the field of our passion—natural health – which is a much different niche than just selling a product. We suffered and barely scraped by, wondering and doubting if we’d really get to help people as much as we KNEW we could.

And then, once again, as if the universe (or at least Mark Sisson) had heard my frustrated cries for help, the Primal Health Coaching (PHC) modules came out, supplementing the Primal Blueprint Expert Certification program! The coaching modules provided lessons on everything we needed, from starting a business to gaining clients, coaching them, and marketing/growing your business, not to mention the fantastic PHC resource library. And it works! We started gaining clients!

The PHC resource library is an absolute must-have for our business. It has all of the information to provide to clients and/or market our company. Some days I just surf the PHC resource pages to explore the new materials and incorporate them into our business and health programs! I even find material that helps me with my own personal health issues! We simply cannot express enough gratitude to the PHC team for basically providing us with everything we need to succeed!

Camille and I have seen such incredible results from our clients that we’ve made it our mission to positively affect the health and lives of as many people as possible in the time we have left on this planet. Hats off and a tremendous THANK YOU to Mark Sisson and the PHC team for providing the knowledge and resources that allow us to not only live an optimally healthy lifestyle, but also pursue our passion and truly live the American dream! You’re the best!

Bret McClellan, McClellan Natural Health, Wellness & Nutrition, LLC

Want to make fat loss easier? Try the Definitive Guide for Troubleshooting Weight Loss for free here.

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