#but my hopes aren't too high
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the way garak looks at bashir as he puts all the clues together at the end of cardassians. the sheer 'look at that little twink go (affectionate, sexual overtones)' energy he manages to convey in the background there as bashir passionately does the presentation of their group project that garak did 80% of the actual work on. immaculate
#star trek ds9#deep space 9#star trek#garashir#elim garak#his lil face journey as they speak to the lady about rugal coming to the orphanage too. adorable. 'it's so over oh we're so back'#also the revelation that garak is high as a kite not only for this but for most of the first two seasons. hysterical#I love him so much already.#'yes yes I'm sure we're ALL very sad about the orphans or whatever. I wouldn't know I haven't experienced a natural emotion in years'#(let's hope he's at least fooling himself at this point)#ALSO also. sisko in his bathrobe in the middle of the night b/c 'so uh dad my unhinged new boyfriend wanted me to ask#if we could borrow the car. no he didn't say why. yeah I'm sure he has a driver's license he was like in the army or something#btw he snuck into my room while I was sleeping and I didn't notice a thing lmao isn't he cool???'#sisko you deal with so much all of the time and there aren't enough medals they could give you for it#bashir going 'tell me what's going on in your head or I stg I'll turn this runabout around'...... yes. yes wonderful
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Heyyy I'm opening up emergency commissions because I'm lowkey broke af rn 😭😭
Reblogs are highly appreciated since I don't really have a big audience, no pressure tho!!
Edit: the final sheet shows ocs commissioned by @donpednejo !!
#my art#art#artists on tumblr#oc#my oc#oc art#oc artist#illustration#commission#art commisions#commission open#commission sheet#i hope my prices aren't too high...#struggling artist
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Dread be dreading
#ughg#i usually have awful thoughts randomly popping up here or there#make me pretty anxious for a few days then i won't think about them for a while#but man i can't handle doubts suddenly resurfacing#like this monday i was listening to my last lecture and everything bad i cooked up a in the past few months hit me like a truck#couldn't even focus i was too busy internally chanting shit fuck i don't want this i made a huge mistake shit shit#i won't be able to handle all this responsibility i'm so tired this will butcher my mental health should have chosen media studies fuuuck#what was i thinking what am i gonna do help#then proceeded to distract myself with an electric outlet otherwise i might have started crying#:/#and those thoughts aren't wrong unfortunately#i love this university and the classes and the things i study#the teachers and my classmates and the kids i got to take care of#but i don't think i could do this for real#i'm not even struggling with anything i'm just scared and tired as hell#and thought i could just. power through it- like if i'm stubborn enough it won't matter that it's draining#but damn#and hell originally i came here because i wanted to teach english to kids#i guess my expectations were too high i don't feel like i've learned anything that useful this far#and turns out it won't get better#we just gonna do presentations again#to be fair i loved researching nursery rhymes but i hoped we would have... more. of that#also about media studies. chief... i crave to be there#could have picked the english specialization there too- i'm a moron. a bozo. holy shit#well. gonna go through this semester either way. because again everything i study here (almost everything) is genuinely great and useful#and perhaps i'm just in a Pit right now#the dread pit#should probably break this to my sister. somehow#random squeak
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im going to paint. on a real reasonably sized canvas. with brushes. this is insane guys wish me luck
#me and my 4x6 cardboard pieces that are 70% finger painted#im not too hopeful but thats ok. i paint better when my hopes aren't high#the binkening
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giving into the demons (starting a dazai bday fic)
#if i can keep control of the situation it won't be too long#but we all saw what happened with me and dazai while i was writing wiag(irwia). so.#my hopes aren't very high#i'm also trying something different with this so i might end up hating it and giving up. we'll see !#hello grace here
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yakuza: dead souls - american vibes, bigass guns, and why zombies are super weird to have in ryu ga gotoku thematically/ideologically speaking
so i've been playing dead souls recently (hell yeah hell yeah hell yeah) and although i'm having the time of my life with it, there was something about it that kinda felt off to me, and i think i've figured out what it was, but i'm gonna have to walk you through a bit of my thought process to get there.
my first instinct was that it felt... american? and upon further examination i think that boils down to a couple of things:
everyone suddenly has lots of guns and also way way bigger guns
high emphasis on individual heroism (this itself is quite typical for rgg, but it manifests differently here; more on that in a bit)
military/government incompetence, which must be solved by the right individuals having the biggest and bestest guns
[for the sake of transparency i will note that my experience with zombie media is pretty limited and skews american (and i myself am american), so that may create bias. however, the 'this feels american to me' instinct is a rare one for me even in genres where i have seen little/no non-american media, so i think the fact that it did occur to me is notable. what about dead souls triggered that response when little else has? that's why i examined it and, truthfully, i think there's merit in the idea itself.]
the first point is pretty self-explanatory. america's got more guns than it does people, and its gun worship is infamous. japan's ban on guns (aided by its being an island state) means there's far fewer guns in the country, as well as far fewer people with guns (and likely far fewer guns per gun owner, excepting arms dealers/smugglers) than somewhere without such a ban. obviously, there are guns anyway. due to their illegality they are clustered within the criminal population, which explains their presence within organized crime within the series. very few guns will be sitting around in the homes of otherwise law-abiding citizens.
and yet, when the zombie outbreak hits kamurocho, plenty of civilians suddenly have access to quite an arsenal. everyone has the knowledge they need to aim, fire, and reload smoothly and quickly; ammo is infinite for certain guns. characters we've never seen using firearms before suddenly have shotguns under their couches (looking at you, majima). it's not only very different from reality, it's very different from guns' place within the series up until this point, when they were limited weapons used primarily by the enemy.
and they're making a zombie shooter, so of course they would have to do this. it has to be unrealistic to be simultaneously in this setting and in this genre, in the same way that yakuza solving their problems with bareback fistfights instead of guns is itself both unrealistic and necessary to being the kinds of games rgg are.
my point is that this is a kind of focus on and valorization of gun ownership and competency unusual for the series and setting. further, it serves as an argument for why an armed, competent populace is crucial typical in american media.
which brings us to the third point (we'll get to 2 in a minute). guns are often marketed as self-defense weapons. the implication is that the government's defense of the individual (via law enforcement or the military, but particularly the former), are insufficient. this is objectively true. if someone pulls a gun on you at the gas station, will a cop manifest out of thin air to intercede? no. that's impossible. but if you have a gun, or if some bystander has a gun, you or they may be able to do something with that gun to stop the armed person. thus, there is an undeniable gap in the effective immediacy of such responses.
many gun advocates also point to the incompetence or insufficiency of law enforcement, even when they are present to stop an armed aggressor. the fact that law enforcement do not have a 100% success rate in protecting the citizenry is also objectively true.
so, when you are in danger, arming yourself increases your chances of being able to put down (or at least take armed action against) a present or potential threat. whether it is viewed it as a supplement to or a replacement for law enforcement, it is meant to make up for the shortcomings of the government's ability to completely protect all its citizens. it's a safety net for state failure.
back to dead souls. rgg has always centered political corruption in its stories, including politicians, the police, and sometimes even the military, though usually the former two. sometimes this is treated sympathetically (i.e. tanimura, a dirty cop, whose dirty-cop-ness allows him to work outside/against the law to help disadvantaged people, not unlike how kiryu views being a yakuza), and other times it's simply a matter of greed or lust for power (i.e. jingu).
however, something that's almost never touched on so clearly is government incompetence. when the government fails to help people or hurts them or does corrupt things, it's usually due to a competent, malicious bad apple who is removed from power by the end of the game. this implies holes in the system because it keeps happening all the time, but that's on a series-wide scale, a pattern ignored by the series in favor of the individual game solution of "this guy's gone now :) yay".
but in dead souls, the SDF's barracades fall, their men are killed, they are unable to help protect the people outside or inside the quarantine zone. they are weak in a way the government usually isn't in these games. and who is stronger than them? our individual good guys with guns. so we need to be armed because the government is weak and can't protect us. boom. america.
returning to point 2, i'd like to say that dead souls is not particularly more individualistic than any of the other games in the series (other than, perhaps, y7). rgg is an incredibly individualistic series, actually. its protagonists are usually men who defy, oppose, and skirt around the law as a way of helping others and doing what is truly right (with a few exceptions, like shinada and haruka). the romanticized view of the yakuza as a force for helping the community in the face of government incompetence is a real one, and one that tends to manifest itself most in kiryu and how the series treats him. it shows us yakuza who aren't willing to kill, yakuza who cry about honor and justice and humanity and brotherhood, yakuza who never dip their hands into less palatable crimes, or only do with intense regret (and only ever as part of their backstory). the beat-em-up style emphasizes this as well. i mean, what's more individualistic than a one-man army?
put more clearly, this series is about men defying legal and social laws and expectations to live in a way that feels right to them, and about making themselves strong enough to combat those who would get in their way. the individual is placed before the society in importance, (though generally in a way that benefits the community, because they are good guys who want to use that agency and power for good).
all of this is true in dead souls as well, technically. those who live on the outskirts of society are the ones who actually save the day, and the ones who go in there and save people rather than just walling them off and pretending like they don't exist. they have the guns, which are illegal and mark them as criminals, but this broken law is what gives them the power to save themselves when the government will not, and to save their community if they so choose.
where dead souls differs is in the nature of that strength.
rgg places a lot of emphasis on self-improvement, both of one's body and of one's character. do both of these, and you will be strong enough to back up your ambitions. what allows someone to carve their own path in life is the ability to put down ideological and physical resistance by having resolve and the ability to tiger drop whoever won't be swayed by your impassioned speeches. you make yourself a weapon. you make yourself strong. in dead souls, that strength comes from an external, material possession. strength is something you buy (or that you take from someone else). who is able to survive the apocalypse comes not from the heart, nor from rigorous training, but from who has the most, the biggest, and the most bestest guns. it's an intersection of capitalism, militarization, and individualism. simply, deeply american.
[when i was talking myself through this a few days ago, i spent a lot more time on the capitalism + individualism stuff, but i think i'll keep this moving. consider this aside the intermission]
dead souls also differs for a few other interlocking reasons. it can be described with this equation:
zombification of enemies + lethality of guns = loss of emphasis on redemption
if your best friend turned into a zombie, could you shoot them? or your child? or your lover? it's a common trope, but it's a damn good one. watching your family, your neighbors, your town, everyone turn into a husk of themselves, something that looks like them but cannot be reached, is deeply tragic. it's even more tragic when these husks are trying to kill you. unable to be reasoned with and unable to be cured, you must incapacitate them before someone innocent is hurt--or hurt, then themselves made dangerous; each loss adds to the number of threats surrounding you. your life is seen as more valuable than that of your zombified friend, not only because the zombie is attacking you and it's self defense, but because they are no longer a person to you. to be a zombie is to no longer be human; zombification is dehumanization.
and so in a series so focused on connection with one's community, on saving innocent civilians, often on saving kamurocho specifically, one would expect similar tropes to occur. even if one's friends aren't turned, perhaps the cashier at poppo you chat with sometimes is. it's the destruction of that community and of the members one has tertiary relationships with that i expect would occur most within a kamurocho zombie story, since they are likely unwilling to axe anyone more important than that, even if dead souls isn't canon. i'd especially expect to see that in the beginning, before the need to kill zombies rather than contain or redeem them becomes apparent.
this does not happen.
i cannot speak for the entire game, but i can speak of gameplay choices that affect this, and ones i think will not be subverted throughout, even if they are somewhat contradicted by plot events i am presently unaware of.
kamurocho is not a community to protect, nor is it filled with your fellows. it is a playground filled with infinitely respawning, infinitely mow-downable, infinitely disposable zombies. you are meant and encouraged to kill them by the thousands, and never to hesitate or consider whether they may be cured or who may be mourning them. who may be unable to identify their loved one because you were trying to reach a headshot goal from hasegawa. you are not meant to consider them as human, nor beings that were once human, nor beings that could be human again, in the eyes of the zombie shooter. they are merely bodies, targets, and obstacles.
the zombies are contrasted with the true humans, those barricading themselves within the quarantine zone or those living in ignorance outside it. humans are meant to be saved, zombies are meant to be killed. the player character is the only one who can truly help with either of these goals, because the other humans are cowardly, ignorant, or unarmed/helpless. you must be their savior. to be a savior is to eliminate zombies, who are less than human.
the black and white nature of this is also emphasized by another gameplay characteristic: the lack of street encounters. when you traverse the peaceful parts of kamurocho, you are never attacked. you are also never directly attacked by the humans within the quarantine zone. kamurocho feels very different without its muggers and hooligans, but it's because this is a zombie shooter, not a beat-em-up. in a normal rgg title, you'd subdue threats by punching, kicking, and throwing them. you'd use your body in (supposedly) nonlethal ways. dead souls does not have a combat system meant for civilians. you have your guns. you subdue threats by shooting them, preferably lethally. the game doesn't want you to do that to humans, so you never fight humans. this furthers the black and white divide between the salvation-worthy, noble humans and the death-worthy, worthless zombies. combat is only lethal, and only used against the inherent other.
this leads me to the part of dead souls i find most conflicting with the ethos of rgg broadly, and perhaps its greatest ideological/thematic failing.
because the enemy are incurable, dangerous, and inhuman, you must kill them to protect yourself and others, others who are still human. humanity is something that is lost or preserved, but never regained. once someone's gone, they're gone, and you not only must kill them, it is your duty and your right to kill them. you should kill them.
in dead souls, there is no redeeming the enemy.
and that's a big problem.
rgg is about a lot of things, but a key one is the ability of people to change for the better. its most memorable, beloved villains are those who see the light by the end and change their wicked ways (usually through some form of redemptive suicide, though that's another essay in itself). its pantheon of characters is full of those who come from questionable backgrounds struggling to be the best people they can be, to live as themselves authentically and compassionately. it's about the good and the love you can find in the moral and legal gray zones of life/society, and the potential/capacity for good all of us have, no matter how far we may have fallen. it is a hopeful series. it is a merciful series.
this is something bolstered by its gameplay. countless substories are resolved by punching a lesson into someone until they improve their behavior, either out of fear or genuine remorse/development. the games don't just discourage killing your enemies, they don't allow you to (yes, we've all seen the "kiryu hasn't killed anybody? umm. look at this heat action" stuff before, and while they've got a point, i believe it's the narrative's intent that none of this is actually lethal, based on how laxly it treats certain plot injuries (cough cough. y7 bartender) and the actual concept of taking a life, the gravity it is given by the text, particularly when it comes to characters crossing that threshold into someone who has killed. explicit killing is not an option open to you, even when you're being attacked by dozens and dozens of armed men. conflicts are resolved by simply beating up enough guys in this nonlethal manner.
but dead souls is a shooter. to avoid conflict with the series' moral qualms about letting its characters kill, the enemies cannot be human. furthermore, the zombie shooter genre can only fit within the series if its zombies are completely inhuman. this means their pasts as humans cannot be acknowledged, nor the possibility of a cure, nor the characters' own potential conflicts about killing them; or, at least, not in a way that impedes their or the player's ability to gun them down afterwards.
if you can't kill humans in your series, then it cannot be possible to save (in this case, rehumanize) zombies. this is especially true in a game where you are unable to fight humans, and thus human lives are universally more valuable than zombie lives. because if you kill a zombie that can be cured, you are, in a way, killing a human.
and so, in a series where you should always assume your enemies (and everyone, for that matter) are capable of reason, compassion, change, and redemption, and where they are always worth that effort, even if they reject it in the end, dead souls' enemies are irredeemable and only worth swift, stylish slaughter. there are only good guys and bad guys. good guys must be protected, lest they be turned irreversibly into bad guys. good guys are only protected by killing bad guys, and the only way to save good guys is to kill every last one of the bad guys. do not spare them, and do not ask whether or not it's right. only kill.
i love dead souls. it's a silly game. i like seeing daigo in decoy-drag and majima gleefully cartwheeling his way through zombies and ryuji with his giant gun arm prosthetic. it's fun. but when i was trying to figure out what felt off about it to me, one of the words that came to mind (besides american) was indulgent. that, too, felt odd, because i love indulgent media. i am not one to scorn decadent, hedonistic, beautiful high-calorie slop type media. if dead souls was just fan servicey, that wouldn't really bother me. i am a fan and boy do i feel serviced. it rocks. but i think my problem is in what dead souls is indulging.
i think dead souls indulges in the desire to cut loose, and to see these characters cut loose. thing is, they're cutting loose all over kamurocho, and all over the bodies of people they used to (at least in concept) care for. with lethal weapons. it is catharsis via bloodbath, not by pushing your body and mind to the limit in man to man combat, but by pulling a trigger before the other guy can hurt you, or even think about hurting you, for the crime of existing as the wrong kind of thing.
and i just don't think that's in line with rgg's beliefs.
yes, it's probably fair for dead souls' characters to kill zombies. i'm not against that. i'm also not against games letting you do purposeless violence. i spent a good amount of my elementary school years killing oblivion npcs for shits, like. that's not what bothers me about dead souls.
rgg as a series has always taken a hard stance in both its game design and narrative choices against killing and for the potential for redemption in its enemies. and i think the lengths to which it goes to promote that despite the probably-lethal moves you do and the improbability of a harmless do-gooder yakuza is one of the most endearing things about the games. so for this one entry to disregard that key theme for the sake of a genre shift that flopped super hard, well? i dunno. it feels weird i guess. it's out of place not just because it's a dramatic shift in gameplay and style and also zombies are only a thing here (and the supernatural/fantastical are thus only prominent here), but because of what those shifts imply.
so, uh. yeah. my pre-dead-souls thoughts that dead souls wasn't that out of pocket bc rgg's just kinda weird? turns out it was actually super weird to have a zombie shooter in there, but for way way deeper reasons than anyone gives it credit for.
(footnotes in tags)
#1) i deemphasized the physicality of shooting to emphasize my points about the viscerality and personal nature of rgg#brawls and the colder more detached nature of gun use relative to that but i do NOT mean that shooting has no physical component to it#obviously it takes a lot of skill to shoot quickly and accurately and lugging a bigass gun around kamurocho would tucker me out for sure#2) no i don't think all those things i said were american were usa-exclusive. it's a big world out there. i'm just saying those things#combined feel like a particularly american flavor of thing to me#3) there's probably more to be said about the connection between wanton killing and american styling or anti-immigration theming in zombie#stories or dead souls But i figured that was a bit too disconnected to the funny zombie game. this shit was a lot anyway y'know?#4) also i don't think most of this was intentional on the part of rgg studios. i genuinely think they just wanted to make a fun zombie#shooter and didnt really think about it all that hard. whenever you make smth there's gonna be implications you never considered. it happen#5) is it ballsy to write a giant essay on a game i'm like 1/4 the way through? yes. i've done smarter things. i'll revisit it when im done#if i'm wrong then i'll figure it out probably. but like. i don't think they'd set up the hasegawa objective stuff or have akiyama just#unflinchingly start shooting zombies and then later challenge that. we'll see but my hopes aren't high y'know? i know rgg#6) i should also clarify that violent catharsis is a) a part of all rgg games and b) cool as hell. it's the lethal bit that doesn't fit with#the series y'know?#rgg#ryu ga gotoku#yakuza#like a dragon#yakuza dead souls#dead souls#classic skrunk 4 hr middle of the night impulse essay hooorayy
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one of these days i will drop an essay abt how there's actually no objectively correct characterization of any gen1 characters because they are, when in their most un-filtered state, supposed to be the streamers that play them, and to assume we know basically anything about who those people are is to miss the point of the social experiments entirely. and none of you are ready
#like i think we get at least a bit of what glranboo is like. an inkling of how glcharlie must act. maybe a smidge of glsneeg#but also do we really? they're in a high-stress situation#we don't get to know anything about how they are outside of that#don't even get me started on all the characters that die before we get to see them outside of the filter#it just amazes me when i see people getting mad about how “gl!x wouldn't fucking do that” because. really? how do you know?#honestly theres something to be said here about how argumentative dsmp-adjacent fandoms are about correct characterization in general#(at least from what ive seen. its probably other fandoms too im just not in many other fandoms)#but im too tired to delve into that and well. thats not what this post is about anyways#anyways yadda yadda don't misinterpret me this is not me saying you aren't allowed to have your own interpretation of tse characters#it is in fact the exact opposite. go nuts#this is just my weekly dose of Thinking About The Gen 1 Content Creation Allegory again#i think this is my longest tag rant yet jesus#genloss tse#rlly hoping posting this goes over well ell oh ell
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HI RACHAEL
Your Austen heroine: Elizabeth Bennet
GIRL YOU'RE A LIZZY !!!!!!!!!! I for one am delighted with this choice and think it's very accurate. The thing about Lizzy is that she is, like, the most powerful version of the Every Woman. She's quality through and through and also she really IS extremely relatable!!!! She's just going through life like "this sucks!!!!!!!" being smart about Caroline and then stupid about Wickham and then smart about Collins again and then stupid about Darcy but then also RIGHT and like ???? part of the reason she yells at Darcy during the first proposal is just because she has a headache?? like. we really do be forgetting that about her!!! She's so funny, she's so real, she's so truthfully reacting to the life that's happening to her all the time.
And my point is: I haven't had an opportunity to see you make mistakes or be stupid about things nor do i detect it in you more than in any human being on this earth I PROMISE THIS IS NOT WHAT I'M SAYING LOL but you are so extremely relatable while still being of the highest quality!!!!! You're so smart and interesting, you have such a precise mind, you're loyal and a good friend and you'd go to bat for the people you love! All things you have in common with Lizzy. But also you're an everywoman!!!! Because you're not just one thing. In all the time I've known you you've never been one thing or loved only one thing or been interested in only one thing. You want what everyone wants: which is to be happy and to be loved while also being smart enough to see the odds and be like "ooof that seems unlikely" as a smart and thoughtful woman (because it IS unlikely in a purely statistical sense) and to find the humor in life as you make your way through its ups and downs.
And we love that for you and about you. And it's why happiness (and tbh probably also a Darcy) are both coming for you.
<3
#afairerplace#i really hope this makes sense#I HOPE MY AUSTEN ANSWERS AREN'T WEIRDING ANYONE OUT or being TOO DIRECT LOL#tbh i probably wouldn't have picked her for you when i first knew you because i thought maybe you were more of an obsessive than that#(like me) (i'm an obsessive)#but actually you remind me so much of my sister (also a Lizzy!!!!) in the way that you love things#actually your guys's Taylor journey was pretty much identical which i love#but yeah#like you love the people that you love cause you love them and you love the things you love#and there is A QUALITY there and a HIGH STANDARD and also it's not just the one specific thing#i am overexplaining#lol#as i often do with these!
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You know what, I'm in a weird spot with that FNAF movie.
I don't think it was very good ! As a horror movie, it made me laugh because especially towards the end the mystery and atmosphere vanished to get Fazbear Franchise Points. Like. Not laugh in the way horror can make you startle-laugh, or laugh so self-soothe. In a way that is "oh god, I see what they wanted to do, and they failed, and this is so endearing, and also so funny".
But...
I enjoyed myself immensely. It had some really cool ideas, and i love love love the visuals. I'd recommend watching it, even.
I like despite how the writing feels flimsy, cardboardy at times, Mike felt real and is very consistent throughout the movie.
I like despite how that movie is trying to tell 4 different stories, not all of them horror, just weirdly breaking up narratively in ways that don't really make sense, it's trying to tell all of them with love and care for the characters.
I love how it's not a soulless cash grab adaptation, and how I can overlook the writing flaws and the one cameo and enjoy it because damn ! It's a whole movie about the giant murder robots ! Those giant murder robots I loved as a kid !
I, genuinely, think that writing wise, you could break it up in 2, maybe even 3 different movies that would all have enough substance to go for an hour and a half. Really, most of this movie's problem isn't the stories it's trying to tell. It's - pick your battles, that's too many battles, put some back.
But it was genuinely fun.
I wouldn't call it a "good movie", by my own standards, but I had 0 expectations and again I enjoyed myself immensely.
Go watch them giant robots. It's so cool. It's so cool.
#fnaf movie#hope it's fine to put in the main tag i genuinely enjoyed it#it's goofy at times#it feels nice#i wouldn't call it horror simply because that part is botched after the first half basically#it is a movie!#and a fun one at that#so yaeh#i watched it with my dad who never played the games or anything#he decided to watch it with me because it's- it's a thing he does it's 'read or watch what my kids like to be able to talk to them about it#he did it for the hunger games when i was in high school#and i think even before that he gave narnia a read when i was a baby ass kid ?#and he watched the eragon movie with me. etc.#he just does that.#anyway#he doesn't know anything about fnaf#and his conclusion was like that you can definitely watch it without knowing any of the context#and while he wasn't too keen on the way they dropped information - the infodump bits aren't super well thought out#he also said it was enjoyable!#he also several times wondered what kid would like these scary ass animatronics#and then i showed him real life chuck e cheese animatronics#and he was like oh okay. i guess it's not unbelievable then#literally for the first half of this movie that was his only gripe with it LMFAO#the first have does a nice job at horror tbh#the second half less because it's 'oh my god we have so many things to tell we're running out of TIME'#pacing is important!
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i need to post about palestine on facebook but i'm fucking terrified
#i went to a very jewish college and a very decent percentage of my fb 'friends' are jewish zionists.#i don't use fb often but when i've checked recently‚ i've found a handful of pro-israel posts‚ and they've been well-received.#i have seen one person put a palestine frame on their profile picture. they got a small‚ mostly positive but some negative‚ response.#that's all the reference i have here.#and very importantly: i feel like pretty much anything i say is going to be received as goysplaining.#i think my best bet is to stay away from historical arguments (like‚ yes palestine does actually exist‚ yes it was bad to force them off of#their land in the first place‚ etc)#and also avoid my personal feelings on this re: my relationship with judaism (which is integral to the message i want to send but w/e)#and focus on israel's very obvious current indefensible actions.#however. i feel like i'm doing the movement a disservice if i don't call for a free palestine and explain what that actually means.#but doing that would increase my risk of getting dogpiled from 'high' to 'inevitable'.#and i am not articulate!!! people might try to rebut me‚ and i am very bad at debate!!!!!!! i have multiple anxiety disorders!!!!!!#and people get fired over this kind of thing. i know the chance is small‚ but i don't know if i want to risk my career over this.#my gut is telling me to wait until i'm sure. but i don't know if or when that will happen.#i want to change *someone's* mind‚ but idk if i'll even be able to do that. maybe just my uninformed hometown gentile friends'.#i want to do this before it's 'too late'. but what does 'too late' mean here? my fb friends aren't launching the missiles.#i suppose my goal is to help turn the tide of public opinion‚ in the hopes that that'll affect the politicians/corps at play here.#but maybe i'm more likely to do that by marching. making posters. talking to acquaintances. who knows what else.#just because i don't *see* those minds change doesn't mean they're not changing. maybe those minds are actually more likely to change.#txt
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I found a place that does custom sizing on binders so we tryin it out baybeeeeeee fuckin wish me luck I don't know how it'll turn out but the fact that they had a suggestion for if you had a 9 inch or more difference between bust and ribs gave me hope for this going well
#I need to figure out a new personal tag#the last binder I got was still in highschool and it..... let's just say it didn't go well#when there's a 10 inch difference between ribs and bust you really aren't a normal size#I don't want to get my hopes too too high but I'm glad I'm comfortable enough to try it out again#I'm just tired of being boobasaurus rex over here
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didn't get cast in ensemble. they did cast a girl at callbacks I literally taught the harmony to though. fucked up
#spent a year thinking about the audition#have actively waited for an opportunity to audition for at least seven years#show on my radar for at least 14#love to be good enough at the audition that they call you back and then have them be like#actually never mind we don't want your voice even with the other voices.#we have no place for your body on stage with the other bodies#this is what I was afraid of. this is why as soon as it was announced like two years ago this might be produced I was as#stressed as I was excited.#it's not about ego or rejection it's just about getting to do a dream there aren't many chances to fulfill. I just get fixations you know?#rehearsals start tonight without me!#only thing helping me hold onto my sanity is an inside source telling me that the director is horrible#it's hard for grapes to be sour enough for me to not to hurt bad bad bad#but it takes away a little bit of the grief#as does the fact that a friend has the kindness to try and comfort me like that#mensch behavior#I have othr things to look forward to this was just high stakes you know#not a lot of chances. dependent on others to provide chances. autistic hyperfixation on little scraps of the score#most passionate out of anyone who auditioned for sure#and I'm not even bad#I fucked up at callbacks a little but I was hoping they wouldn't be insane about it#but holding my breath until I could get the relief of knowing I was in#which would also have been incredible news in other ways too––being in any show has been a long-term goal and I would be like okay I've hit#that milestoone and should actually invest in a headshot#but I guess not!!!!!!#going to try and not be angry at myself though#I'm good and will throw myself into my work#which I have much to do of and talent to apply to
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anxiety attacking me as usual. this time looking at the other events in the con and going "oh god oh fuck these sound so interesting oh my god some of these are actual professionals talking about their expertise oh- OH NO THEY THINK I'M A PROFESSIONAL TOO I'M GONNA BE SO DISAPPOINTING" etc etc. spiraling even tho this one is completely illogical. like yeah some of them are professionals but most are just random ppl who signed up. i know a few of them who are significantly younger than me too and are just doing this to have fun. i'm good i'm good (<- shaking in panic rn)
#it's so silly. it's the goddamn incorrect bio that's stressing me out. or that this is a topic some ppl in the audience might -#- potentially know about bc it IS about judaism and the audience is jewish. help#chances of anything being an issue in that regard aren't high but aren't zero either 🥲#i'm also waiting for my previous one to be uploaded to see if i was bad or good#(<- not actually gonna watch it. too scared it'll make me even more insecure. still gonna link it here tho#and probably add english subtitles at some point so y'all can enjoy it. hopefully)#(...then i'll have to watch it anyway. but being technical about it makes things easier i think)#can you tell i'm just rambling in hopes it'll make the anxiety ease up a bit . it's not helping much ngl
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i have 2 interviews scheduled for later this month so i if i don't get the job i'm waiting to hear from i'll survive i guess
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Lowkey getting good at editing on mobile
#spelling and grammar mistakes are either bc#Hands are cold#Im high#Or both#Bc I'm usually writing on my phone#Either way I'm making it work#Errors aren't too horrible#I hope#apollo.is.thinking
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taking a creative writing intro course this fall and i’m so, so excited!!!!
#.txt#it definitely wasn't in the books but the other two courses i had slotted aren't going to work until the spring so i chose it as a filler#and then got really attached to it#first had to submit to the humiliating ordeal of confirming it was a personal interest course to my advisor but she was chill with it haha#(bc she was pushing for me to take another course that's only offered in the fall but i said maybe next year because i'm already taking two#other language courses) (it's too complicated for the tags)#i'm just genuinely so so excited#hoping it will consistently inspire me to write + i'll feel a little more learned#since i loved creative writing in high school but the first year of college was just crazy insane busy (which is kind of the vibe for my#future endeavors as well because almost full time work full time school ahahah)#of course scared that i'll have hardcore imposter syndrome and everyone else will be better writers and talented and passionate#which i want! but it also makes me feel a sort of weird vibe idk i know i'm good at writing. but the technical aspect is tricky#plus there's also weird feelings about childhood dreams -#as in i always wanted to be a writer but i learned to bite down on that dream because obviously it wasn't going to work out#so sometimes i feel like i failed myself by giving up on my dream even though i didn't really?#because studying something else was the practical choice for ensuring i have more prospects for career etc#plus i do like what i'm studying now#but writing was just what i always wanted you know#so i guess i can reclaim it a little now#school starts in two days though. haha *dies*
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