#but my dad was like dude there might be water mixed w it/your car is dying

[badolmen]

girlie…what

[dreamsanddreams88]

We bought chickens AND bunnies at the same time, really hectic,I was tryna cuddle the bunnies but they would bite sometimes. At one point, in AC origins game trying to hide in a house full of Roman ppl from one of the phylakites that was killing everyone indiscriminately, very scary. I was female character, did the cool thing where i cut ropes on a chandelier and rode the other rope up onto something, one handed. Then i was in airport with alex, we had gone to Japan but then I got freaked out cuz of Corona and we both forgot towear masks

I was in a thrift store and didnt like any of the stuff I grabbed so I went to put it back n leave cuz I was only on lunch break anyway, the shop girl made snide remark about my hair needing to be dyed? She was like, thanks for coming in, come back when ur hair doesnt suck or something. I said fuck you and your orange hair, cuz it was dyed red and faded, but I stuttered n she made fun of it. But then she followed me cuz we all had to go to some meeting? N she was a little nicer. Sat at these tables waiting for alex, we were about to see a show with a drag queen. It was in a mall or something

Was at west again but getting lost, then was back in 4th grade maybe? Looking for new class? Then I was starting to date alex but someone else like jenna was in the room with us, he was spooning me but trying to be secret, jenna thought we were fucking, also I took a shower w him but needed another one, I had taken like 3 showers that day. I was staying w my family somewhere in hotel maybe. Then saw this girl I thought maybe was his ex katie, creeped on her instagram she actually was mixed black girl w blonde hair, was cheerleader n basketball player, really badass and mean. Brian lemaster was in there somewhere. Ar some point I started drinking juice boxes filled with milk before remebering I was lactose intolerant

Dreamed I was signing up for a matchmaking service to get married? It was via snail mail, and it was all girls who were mostly indian I think, or maybe bosnian. One girl was named Imina and sent me some of my writing that she edited, I found it very snooty and rude. Also had accepted someone else before seeing I had a letter from her. Also something with different video games that were scary, but all took place in the same house. One was 5 nights at freddy's themed, one was victorian ghosts, etc.

Was going on charter bus with work and other ppl, were leaving my old house. Kept forgetting my earbuds, went back in to see maids deep cleaning the whole place. Bus went out into cold winter wilderness? I made friends w bus driver, guy looked like william h Macy a little bit. Then i was Rey, kylo ren had captured me and was gonna make me squirt bleach into my eyes so I'd be blind, fought him off and escaped thru the back of a cupboard. He was on island surrounded by stormy sea, freezing cold, and big blocks of calcium formations kept crumbling into it. Force ghost Luke Skywalker appeared to me to tell me death was real but I could escape. Then I was with jenna or sarah, went to hotel looking 4 my parents, nice old ladies were telling me they saw my lost mittens or something? I brushed them off super rude

Was in big house with mafia family. Lots of cars n helicopters falling out of sky, crashing thru glass ceilings. Trying to leave the house, calling business guy when a car falls on him owned by one of the mafia guys. Smthn with a chef from the house, hes really strict when teaching kids how to cook, indian food cant have lemon juice in it? I was licking the glaze off raw chicken and salmon

Was in Laos in war zone, Belgians were bombing the shit out of it and these rare plants called dragon plants were burning, it was way sad. Then it was xmas at parents house but also dads bday, had to help mom take down all xmas decor temporarily until we could open dads presents. Also I didnt trim my zucchini plants and one was like 12 feet tall. Then at work taking break on some huge metal train. Also something about being in some state or royal building, running or hiding from someone

Was with alex in old doornbos house, he was asking me who was in my "network" meaning who had I slept with. I said a bunch of people and he got mad, I was high and tried to explain it was in the past not current. Then I was in theater at the high school across the road, had an improv scene with abby thomas but hadn't rehearsed at all. Went to rehearsal, everybody from hs was there, dawson was teacher, saw shelby drive past. Then smthn about walking bay in the mountains, were super high up in the snow and saw other ppl walking dogs

Something about having traded bodies with ian brauer when we were younger? Or not even traded, I had somehow accidentally possessed him and then had to go to school and pretend like I was him, and then only when I concentrated really hard I went back to my own body which was passed out on the floor of my room.

In a school, had brought imhotep back 2 life n he brought back his gf so we tried running and hiding. Then he was darth Vader and he caught me. Then dream about being on wild ferris wheel kinda ride with mom and Lauren who was sometimes aunt ellen, then in a family of talking dolphins whose step mom was a whale, the dad was joking about how him and the mom might perish at the bottom of the ocean. Then something about a demon possessed lady

Scary dream 1st where I was out walking at night in the forest, looked kinda like lower area of ECOS. The light in a street lamp didnt work, had to use flashlight. Alex showed up with bay who was now a white shih tzu, a frat guy in skeleton costume ran over to scare us. Then I lived in this village/tribe, everyone had hotel rooms kinda. I was back in town going to everyone's rooms, my mom had a room next to mine but she was gone somewhere. Then we were playing guitars, I picked up someones weird acoustic base to try and play. Then I got invite from JC, him and his friends were having a joint wedding in 2026, invite looked like DND character sheet. I was in the forest when scary evil ash cloud exploded out from the ground, kinda like in neverending story or moana. Ran back to village and was safe inside this like, sacred circle? It meant that I was actually the next in line to be the tribal chief. The tribe purposely kept everyone's parentage a secret so it was like the whole village was our parents, but this meant my dad was this one rando young guy who wasnt even the chief? Anyway he hugged me and it was emotional. It meant I had this prophetic duty to defeat these creepy evil eels like in the little mermaid. The water/ocean was this weird quad, with each quadrant being a different depth and color blue. I had to scuba dive to the bottom on a certain date to fight them, matthew/mikey was gonna hold my breathing tubes or something? If I tugged twice he could pull me back up.

In world where mr bean guy was a king n had lots of bodyguards, he was taking on corrupt religious mormon police like in Utah who rode camels and abducted like 500 people for slavery.

Had private teacher lady for something, 8 of us. I couldnt concentrate on test. She gave me spare key to let her dog out, i go in her house and the skylights are open and room full of snow. Then she has dinner party with me, snape, Adonis, michelle/jenn, and a doctor. Ends in screaming match, I'm mad cuz Michelle keeps flirting w Adonis by dropping shit on purpose and making him pick them up. Then I go to doc about weird vaginal discharge and being depressed, hes kind of a quack and doesnt help or listen. Then I was trying to get job at restaurant but all the servers had been at the party and thought I was crazy. Also smthn bout seeing a concert and shawn goggins was in it, jc and elliot were there and I started laughing at him about how that was a girl he cheated on me with but she turned out to be a trans man so he had sex with a dude

I was in world like video game level, in a class w people. Started in weird castle that had secret passages, and then onto these floating balloons above black holes. Tried to jump from one to the other without falling, very scary. Then with alex in a hallway, waiting for some event to start. We climbed up to ledge where there was like a gem/ring stockpile, I started stealing them. Mcgonagall was there and saw us, I was too afraid of heights to climb down. Then event was starting but it was some creepy cult wearing animal masks, I had to pretend like I knew what was happening

[swampgallows]

took a nap. 

dreamed for the first time in a while. met a lot ofpeople in my dreams. “catie the clown from nickeoldeon’s spongebob squarepants”, she introduced herself, very mom-like, heavyset and nice to hug. a middle aged man was tagging along w her that we brought along making clumsy passes but she was flirting too. something like “guess what word i want you to wear?” (????) and she said “umm Z!” and he goes “nah you know that letter” and she was laughing. (????) met a dude in a mohawk pushing an empty wheelchair who went into a derelict looking building, we were playing and laughing in the alley, he asked us a question we couldnt answer then kind of mumbled to himself, “at least they have hair. im meeting a lot of good people here.” we heard a crash and popped in to see if he was okay, the apartment of the lobby was really cramped, dark, and seedy, but the middle-aged man in there followed us out and then that’s where i met him and ‘catie’. we left the building and turned around and saw two giraffes poking their heads out over the wall of what might have been the backyard? we smiled and waved at them, telling the mohawk guy (who i guess eventually came with us) to come over and look. he was shy but he finally did. there were other people at the wall who thought we were smiling and being silly toward them, then ducked their heads behind the wall. the giraffes kind of smiled at us, then stuck their black tongues out at the people who hid. we were all really nervous because apparently some kind of nuke had been launched or was talking of being launched, there was some sort of “nuclear notice” that had been pasted up everywhere. so we knew we were all going to die very soon but the friendliness i felt was genuine. there was just a tinge of melancholy, like “I wish this isnt what it took to bring people together”.

i havent been to my grandparents’ house in a long time. there is a space between the woodshop and the main house, backed up by the wall to the neighbor’s, that’s just a small empty patch of grass. next in my dream we had set up a big blanket fort there. i had made itmyself but my brother joined me later. i was trying to get reading done, or something. i felt very safe there, but also felt like i had made it so i could become safe. there was a part where i ws reading murals on wood panels, like they were giant advertisements made of canvas or something, but also were the walls of the fort. some detached voice , i dont recall everything now, was liek ‘we dont know yet beccause blizzard hasnt hired you yet’ and i rolled my eyes. the ceiling caved in due to some shitty little white puffy dog that jumped on top and i was pissed cuase i got trapped under all these blankets, but it reverted itself and xena was there. i saw her face and her eyes with great clarity and i could feel myself petting her. it was dark, like a nap, cozy, and warm, dimly lit from the waning light outside. i was with my dog in the blanket fort, eating oatmeal and scrambled eggs (in the same bowl, for some reason, and was told to put ketchup on the eggs, which i never do, and also did not go at all with the rest of the oatmeal. the eggs tasted like the oatmeal too, maple syrupy, and it was all a big mess. it was in a paper cup, like at an ice cream place, but it was warm and even though it wasnt very good all mixed together i could taste the individual flavors. so i was there with my dog in the blanket fort feeling safe.

that was my dream. the last time i had dreams this basic was back in 11th grade when my sleep disorder started really coming to a head and i wasnt getting much sleep at all, and then i wasnt eating either. i remember having a dream where i just sat down and calmly ate food and that was basically it. i just got to eat food and it tasted good. and i remember when we were reading about moments of prolonged high stress or trauma, how even the vocabulary of people’s dreams can become reduced, showing very direct basic images to fulfill waking needs, like it does with children. so it has things like a clean house, a safe place, a soft bed, eating candy or good food, etc. this dream just now was still pretty complex but compared to my other dreams it’s extremely basic. just wanting to be around friendly people, to get big warm hugs, to feel safe and secure, and petting my dog no less. didnt have to jump through many hoops of interpretation, as it were. i think everything is just surmounting now. the insane cramps, papou in the hospital, having to solve my medical, not having a job or knowing when i can get a new one or what i should do, just my life generally being a mess. im so fucking tired all the time i can barely even play video games. i played hots so much yesterday because i had to do something that wasnt focusing on the pain, and i had a stimpack so it gave me a ‘reason’ to. 

i was driving with my dad yesterday because we were going to get a rat to feed topaz. my mom “has been meaning to” do it for like a week, just like she was “meaning to” take me to see papou until he called up, barely able to speak, and said “get me out of here”. if he hadnt done that i wouldnt have seen him, nor, do i think, would they have gone the extra push to get him out of the hospital. shit just kept going wrong. id been meaning to write about this for a few days, since it happened. i had been wanting to see papou again since i got back from my trip, because i was leaving shortly before his surgery and i wanted to tell him about it and show him pics when i got back. when i walked into the room he looked so bright, and i immediately walked over and held his hand. a nurse was dealing with his IV or something and he said to her “This one is my favorite. She’s a genius.” i’m among five grandkids and my papou always brags about us but this is the first time i’ve heard him say i’m his favorite. or to specify a favorite at all. and especially because i’m the least accomplished of the other four grandkids. the three are in line to be lawyers, all within in my uncle’s (my papou’s son) firm. my sister is back on track to becoming a teacher, interning at our middle school and passing all the credential tests, or whatever it is. all i do is stupid cartoons and try not to fucking kill myself. i went to college basically at the behest of my family and i’ve only ever had one real job, which was retail. i volunteered at the arts center and stuff when i was a teenager but while i was in most of high school and in college i didnt do shit. i only ever left my dorm to go to class or raves. i barely fed myself. i was so fucking depressed and just meeting all the wrong people left and right. one time my mom told me, “you know, the only grandchild papou has a picture of in his wallet is you.” he talks SO much about “the grandkids”, how we have “more degrees than people”, for which he is very proud. i’m doing nothing but keeping my head above water—and barely that—but i walk in and he announces i’m his favorite, and a genius. 

before i left, he said to me, which he’s said to all of us before at one point or another—”you are my legacy”. my papou was an engineer and a war hero, jumping out of planes and getting purple hearts touring north africa during world war ii. how am i supposed to uphold that?

so, anyway, i was driving with my dad, or rather sitting in the car w my dad, he was driving. i told him i had been driving a little, “even though mom thinks i just sit in my room all day.” “yeah, and ‘i think’ all she does is sleep all day,” he says mockingly. i laughed. nervously. we get to our usual pet store and they dont have any large rats. topaz is 7 feet long. she needs the biggest rats we can find. technically she should be on bunnies but i cant stomach that, nor do we feel like hiring a handler (legally you have to. nobody sells ‘feed bunnies’.) so we call up some other places. we end up having to drive across town which takes an hour at 4pm, and i tell dad “well they might have more on monday, the guy said,” and dad said, “No, this is what we’re doing. because who knows what that guy knows. we could show up monday and there still aren’t any. so it’s a little more work, but i said i was going to get a rat today, and i’m going to do it. we’re not gonna rely on what that guy says. see, this is what you have to do; you have to take matters into your own hands. You follow through. This is what I always have to do; it’s my job. I follow through for people.”

i wish my dad was around more, just in general. he works so often that he’s basically inaccessible but we all rely on him for everything because he makes the money, which is why he’s never around. my mom works for him and, little harsh here, but is useless when it comes to executing tasks without any pressure (so guess where we all got it from). we talked about her for a little bit. essentially, my dad is the reason anything ever happens. my mom, nowadays, is the reason nothing happens. she pushes things away hoping they’ll just disappear, i guess. i see it a lot in myself and i hate it. i hate feeling as helpless as she does and i hate having to rely on someone helpless like her because my dad is always gone doing the ‘heavy lifting’ like making sure we can all be alive.

not to be fucking predictable but i want to be reliable. i want to follow through. like my dad.

any dad, really.