#but my aim's not been what it used to be ever since my left eye rotted out and i've got a half-ghoul-half-magic-lich eye situation going on

[artytaeh]

i'm not having the best of days lately, so i'm making it everyone's problem now. ❄️

that popular audio of heartstopper s3 has been on my mind for a while. we know, as a fandom, that theodore and mattheo are each other's best friend— or closest person, ever since childhood. and even though mattheo can see how theo's girlfriend is doing him good, sometimes it feels as if mattheo's presence, which has been a steady constant in theodore's life, became so 'normal' that theo ends up forgetting about it.

mattheo can't really go back home. theodore doesn't like to go back to his own, not wanting to risk being in the way of his father's mood swings. so, the two of them spend the winter holidays at hogwarts, together. it's almost tradition, at this point.

so when theodore's girlfriend so gently offers theo to spend christmas with her, at her house, with her heartwarming family, theodore sees the opportunity of, for once, having a normal christmas. at least, the holidays that he sees in movies and are told by students that don't have the same complicated family that he does.

without realizing it, theodore replaces the usual winter tradition with mattheo, and accepts spending christmas with her.

which, consequently, deeply hurts mattheo.

'can't you at least spend christmas with me?' even though mattheo despises being vulnerable, this is theodore. and theodore is his safe person, even if mattheo would never admit it to himself— such stupid vulnerabilities, because he shouldn't need anyone. 'you spend all your time with that girl anyways.'

on the other hand, theo can't help but be selfish about his own needs. like a thristy person in the desert, he clings to the chance of normalcy, of living what he could only envy for years, and years on end.

'because she treats me as something more than just the son of a death eater,' theodore rages, because even within his friendgroup, its silently said between the lines.

that's who they are. specially mattheo, draco and theodore; rooted to dark wizards, born doomed. even blaise and lorenzo, with calmer families, wouldn't escape such a fate. outside of slytherin's dungeons, away from the blood supremacy ideology and hatred amongst the wizardy community— his girlfriend seems him as theo, and not theodore nott.

and perhaps, worse than being forgotten and left alone for two weeks in this freezing cold castle, this is what hurts mattheo the most.

'i do, too.'

three words, that never sounded as painful and broken from the mattheo quick-to-anger riddle. it cracks on its way out of his mouth, weighting on his tongue.

theodore rolls his eyes: 'you say that as if our damn families aren't a constant topic between us.'

'because you understand me,' mattheo answers, dumbfounded at how, for such an intelligent wizard, theodore seems to stupidly dumb right now. 'out of everyone, even more than draco and his stupid family, you are the person who knows how it's like.'

at that, theodore doesn't answer.

he doesn't vitimize himself, because that tactic never works with mattheo, who'd rightfully tell him to fuck off. mattheo's strategies never work with theo either, cutting his bullshit at the same moment. and that, as mean as it sounds, never failed to oblige each other to be truthful with the other.

so, this time, theodore shuts up.

and doesn't aim to be the one gaining the last word.

because in the end, theodore enters the hogwarts express, holding his girlfriend's hand as she enthusiastically tells him all that they can do during these two weeks— instead of watching the chaos on the top floor of the bell tower, smoking the usual cigarette with mattheo, as the two deal with the utter disappointment and hurt with mean jokes about happier students.

this time, said tradition happens too, but one-sided. this december, mattheo is alone on the bell tower, much quieter than it usual is without theodore's sarcasm to cheer him up. smoking a cigarette alone, and already with the second one in end which he'd smoke for theodore, he's alone.

alone, and for the first time in a while, mattheo discovers what loneliness truly feels like.

today, as he's left alone in the hogwarts castle.

tomorrow, when he wakes up and sees that theodore's bed, right in front of his, is empty.

that feeling would stretch for long two weeks, more than fifteen days, perhaps for even longer than that. the moment theodore stepped on that damned train, something was broken.

mattheo is torn between being petty and praying that this christmas is just as terrible for theodore, so that next year, he won't hesitate to spend all of his time with him, and fucking apologize for being an asshole this year.

... however, a tinier, even more painful side of mattheo, hopes that theo feels welcome there. in a warm home, in his girlfriend's arms, experiencing what mattheo never hopes to experience someday. because deep down, no matter how hurt he is—mattheo discovers that he's stupid like that.

that he cares about theo too much, to truly desire harm coming his way.

no matter how lonely he is.