#but more of a ''i've been so anxious and stressed these past two weeks i keep making myself nauseated'' kind of way

[loumauve]

I snapped today at work, and by snapped I mean I politely commented on a help desk ticket by summing up an mess of an (type of) issue that's come up for at least the fourth time in the 2+ months I've been managing user accounts, and asked the person responsible to fix it (himself for once) because last time I fixed his mess-up it took me two whole days to work out the details with at least four other colleagues from different departments and I really don't want to do it again. there's other shit that needs doing, I've been working 10+ hour days for most of this week already, so I need to cut down not add on more.

(good thing tho - at least we managed to fix the issue where the dataset of a newer employee got mixed up with another one of the same name and therefore wasn't able to apply for any of the access/accounts she needed. technically not entirely my area but it does impact us not being allowed to create an account for her so I figured I might as well track that issue down. took three days and at least three other people, but hey - it should all work out now. yay for that)

[mythic-hunter]

presenting my portfolio in about an hour and a half

feeling like i'm about to be sick

[teaboot]

I'm surprised/impressed? by how blase you are about people threatening you at work. A neighbor threatened me last week and it was so scary and I wish I could have had the same kinda response you seem to.

First off, I hope you're safe and okay, that's an awful experience to be familiar with and especially bad that they live so close to you D:

Second, I'm certainly no maverick out here- I've only been doing this a few years now- but I've found that about 99% of threats I receive have very little intent to follow through.

The type of threats I usually receive are typically from:

Someone who's had bad experiences with security or police, in the past. People with hand and face tattoos, homeless folks, people with mannerisms that get them labeled as "sketchy", POC, and people who've been incarcerated all have valid reason to believe I'm out to get them, and may get treated badly elsewhere often enough that they're expecting that. Every time I approach someone, I have to take this into account and do everything I can to signal that they haven't been profiled based on preexisting stereotypes.

Someone experiencing the symptoms of a mental health condition. People with mental illnesses are statistically victims of crime more often than they are perpetrators. That said, I have run into people before whose mental illness can present as aggression- if someone behaving erratically or is known for that sort of thing tells me they're gonna blow my brains out, but I can clearly see they're unarmed, not coming towards me, haven't hurt anyone, and show no intent of escalating, I'm probably not in danger. A few people I've met will see me again in a day or two and will have no problems with me at all.

Someone who is scared, frustrated, anxious, or grieving. Not to excuse violence in any context, but in my experience 99% of people who blow up at me aren't actually thinking about me. Anger isn't so much an emotion in a lot of ways as it is the reaction to another emotion- if someone tells me they're gonna kick my ass, I have to question if there's anything they may be frightened, frustrated, or sad about something else entirely. If I can address and resolve what's causing the anxiety, the anger usually goes away next. If I can't deescalate, my next job is to disengage and make sure myself and others aren't at risk of harm.

People who want something from me. This does not happen often. Maybe they want me to back off, or leave them alone, or let them take something, whatever- maybe they think I'm someone with clearance to use physical force, or they think my flashlight is pepper spray. Whatever it is, once they've made it clear they're willing to act, I back off. Unless they're hurting another person, nothing they want is worth getting stabbed or shot over. And physical conflict is insanely stressful, even for the attacker, so even then whoever threatening me will likely take any "out" I can give- I keep paths of escape clear, stay out of range, keep calm and respectful. Every time this has happened to me, the person has run away when given the chance.

People who genuinely want to hurt me and intend to follow through. Again, this is super uncommon- I think it's only really happened to me once or twice on the job. Yes, it's scary, but I find it helps to remember that they arent after me, they're after the uniform. If someone is coming after me in costume, so to speak, it's not who I am as a person, it's what I represent. And a lot of people seem to think I'm a cop, or see me as a faceless goon, or a past abuser, or an intruder in their life specifically sent to make them miserable. If that's what they believe, there's not much I can do to change their mind except, again, stay calm and respectful and disengage.

I do know how to defend myself to an extent, but again, I don't have weapons or restraints or a vest or anything and I'm kinda small on top of that so really I'm cool with hauling ass if I gotta. If me getting the fuck out of dodge resolves the issue then I'm not above radio'ing HQ from the top of a tree somewhere, that shit is above my pay grade.

TL/DR in my personal limited experience, someone who has told me that they're going to hurt me wouldn't have given me the warning unless there was something I could do to avoid it. Stay calm, don't yell, be respectful, give them an escape route and run if you need to

Stay safe out there, yeah?

[zegrasdrysdale]

Jack Hughes - being a dad

[ daddy's girl ] j. hughes

paring : dad!Jack Hughes x fem!reader

summary : (Y/N) surprises Jack on his birthday by bringing their eight month old daughter to her first hockey game, which happens to be during the first round of the 2024 playoffs

warning(s) : mentions of birth,

author’s note : i've had baby fever really bad recently so here y’all go. i'm thinking about expanding this into an au universe so if you think you'd be interested in seeing that, just lmk !

༺═──────────────═༻

It's been hard to keep a secret from her fiancé for nearly two weeks so (Y/N) is ecstatic the day Jack's birthday arrives. It's a good thing that their daughter can't speak yet or she would definitely give away the surprise that is planned for that night.

One part of the surprise isn't physically that big, but (Y/N) had to pull some strings and call in some favors to make sure it didn't get to Jack that she is going to the game tonight with their baby girl for the first time. Their daughter will be wearing the other half of the surprise that Jack won't even see until the Devils hit the ice for warm ups.

Needless to say, (Y/N) is very surprised for the day ahead.

Jack's alarm goes off early at seven in the morning the day of his birthday, but (Y/N) is already wide awake with breakfast already made so Jack can have breakfast in bed on his 23rd birthday.

He's been exhausted lately because of how long the first has gone against Carolina. Tonight is game seven so she knows how stressed out and anxious he is. The least she can do is give him a good morning before he goes to the arena for morning practice.

She watches from the doorway as Jack reaches over to the bedside table to turn off his phone alarm. He reaches across the mattress to her side and when he doesn't feel (Y/N) in bed with him, he sits up.

"Happy birthday, my love," (Y/N) softly says as she walks into room. She holds a tray with a plate full of food and a mug with coffee. She sets the tray in front of Jack on the bed after he sits up and crosses his legs. "I thought you deserved breakfast in bed after the past few weeks."

Jack has the biggest smile on his face and watches his fiancée sit beside him. "The world truly does not deserve you baby," he tells her. He leans over and quickly pecks her lips. "Thank you for breakfast."

She smiles and he begins to eat his breakfast. (Y/N) steals a couple pieces of bacon from the plate and Jack looks offended every single time. He tries swatting her hand away but she manages to get some more bacon.

Almost right on time at half past seven, the monitor goes off and their daughter begins to cry. Jack goes to get up and (Y/N) stops him. "I got her," she tells him. "You finish eating. I'll go get her."

Quickly, (Y/N) gets out of bed to go across the hall to their baby's room. She leans down and picks her crying baby up. "Good morning to you too, Reina," she says as she holds her in her arms. "Let's get you changed and get you fed, yeah? Does that sound a good idea?"

Little Reina keeps crying when (Y/N) lays her down on the changing table. She grabs a diaper and wipes to change her daughter's very stinky diaper. She hums to hopefully calm her.

It works and Reina's cries grow quiet. She stares up at her mother with her big blue eyes. She looks so much like Jack and (Y/N) loves it.

As (Y/N) puts Reina back into her pajamas, Jack says behind her, "I love watching you with her. I couldn't resist coming over to watch you with her."

She turns around with Reina in her arms. Her daughter lays her head on her shoulder and coos softly when she sees her father. A smile is on her lips as Jack walks into the room. "You only say that because I changed her smelly diaper," she jokes.

"You said it," Jack laughs. "Not me." He takes Reina from (Y/N). "Good morning, baby girl. You slept really good last night. Was that my birthday present?" Reina giggles and babbles like she's answering her father.

"You keep sweet talking your daughter while I make her a bottle," she tells Jack. "She likes you better anyway."

Jack laughs and begins to sway with Reina against his chest. (Y/N) leaves and goes into the kitchen to make her daughter a bottle.

She tried breastfeeding after her daughter was born, but both she and Reina weren't a fan. It's okay though. Not every baby breastfeeds and it took (Y/N) a while to understand that and to realize that there was nothing wrong with either of them because of it.

As soon as the bottle is warm enough, she makes her way back to Reina's room. She hears Jack talking to her so she stands out of sight so listen for a second.

"I can't wait for the day you come to one of my games," Jack is saying when (Y/N) approaches the door. "You'll get a front row seat to seeing me warm up on the ice with your mom holding you. I won't be able to focus and will probably get yelled at by Nico for paying more attention to you but I won't care. You probably won't even remember coming to the game but I will never forget it. I haven't forget the first game your mom came to after we started dating during my second season. I thought Nico was going to have my head when I stayed right by the glass where she was standing the entire time I was supposed to be warming up. I got an earful from him when I got back to the locker room before the game started but it was so worth it."

She smiles and turns into the room so Reina can get her bottle. "I should've known you never forgot that game," she says. "You guys did win and you scored two goals."

Jack looks over at her and smiles. Reina practically squeals when she sees the bottle in (Y/N)'s hand. "I had to make sure we won," he jokes as he hands Reina over to her mother. "I'm going to get ready to head to the arena for practice. Are we still on for an early lunch when I get done?"

"Reina and I will waiting for you in the parking lot when you get done," she tells him. "Please make sure you shower when you're done so you don't smell like sweat walking into the restaurant."

He shoots her a smile and leaves the room. (Y/N) sits in the rocking chair by the window. She slowly rocks back and forth while feeding Reina. Her eyes are on the rising sun while Reina drinks every drop of the bottle she's being given.

She's thinking about how Jack said he can't wait until Reina comes to one of his games. He has no idea that she's going to be right there for the game tonight.

༺═──────────────═༻

As soon as Jack leaves the apartment to go to the Prudential Center for the game, (Y/N) begins to get herself and Reina ready to go.

The plan is to leave around 5:30, and it's only 4 o'clock so there is plenty of time to get herself showered and Reina bathed.

She starts with a shower while Reina is napping in her room. She makes sure to do a full wash. Shampoo, condition, body wash, face wash, exfoliation, and making sure to shave of all necessary body parts. She waits until Reina is awake to bathe her because, like her father, she gets cranky when she gets woken up from a nap.

Once they're both clean and dry, (Y/N) digs into the depths of the closet to pull out the little jersey she had made for Reina tonight.

Reina looks very cute in the little black Jersey jersey. On the back, it says "Daddy" with an 86 under it. She happily coos when she's secure in the jersey. (Y/N) makes sure to get a picture so she can show Jack after the game.

(Y/N) puts on her own matching Jersey jersey that just has Jack's last name and number on it. It's going to be her last name one day too so she doesn't mind wearing it. The jersey is big enough to be a dress on her so she throws on a pair of shorts underneath so she's wearing pants and puts on black knee high heeled boots. She ties her hair up into a messy ponytail and puts on light makeup.

She holds Reina on her hip and takes a picture of them in the mirror as soon as she's dressed. She keeps them to herself until after Jack sees them at the game. Her daughter seems very happy in her new jersey. Her first jersey.

Right on time, (Y/N) is carrying Reina downstairs to the car. A baby bag is thrown over her shoulder that has extra diapers, wipes, formula, baby ear protection since it gets pretty loud in the arena during a playoff game, and their security passes to get into the family suite after warm ups and down into the players' lounge after the game.

She secures Reina in her car seat with her favorite stuffed elephant. Reina is babbling happily while she plays with the elephant so she gets in the front seat to drive the half hour to the Prudential Center.

Soft children's music is played during the ride to keep Reina happy and (Y/N) sane. All the songs are songs that both Jack and (Y/N) picked so they don't lose their minds during long drives. Reina seems to like them so they play the playlist every time they get in the car.

(Y/N) is shaking with excitement as she pulls into the private parking lots where players and their families park for games. It's hard to find a parking spot. There are a lot of cars so she knows that other wives, girlfriends, and families are here for the game.

It's game seven of round one of the playoffs against Carolina. She isn't at all surprised that the parking lot is pretty much full. She's sure that families that are here for Hurricanes players are parked here too.

As she's getting Reina out of her car seat, a voice behind her says, "Please tell me you brought that little angel of yours with you." She turns and sees Erik Haula's wife, Kristen, and her two kids. "All I've heard for the past few months is how happy Jack is to have a little baby and I have yet to meet her."

With a laugh and Reina on her hip, (Y/N) turns around. Kristen smiles at Reina in her jersey. "Here she is," she says. "Little Reina. She's very excited to be here." Her daughter giggles while she plays with her toy.

"She is so cute," Kristen squeals. "Wow, she looks so much like Jack. They could be twins. It's crazy that we do all the work and they come out looking like their father."

"Right?" she laughs. "All Jack did was tell me to push and held my hand while I screamed and pushed his baby out of me." Kristen nods in agreement and smiles. "Walk with me?"

The two of them walk into the Prudential Center with their kids. She holds Reina on her hip as they walk into the building. They show their badges to security to get to the lounge with the players' families.

Almost everyone in the room gushes over Reina. Her grandparents are the first to get to her. Ellen and Jim Hughes immediately take Reina into their arms. Even Uncle Quinn gets involved with holding Reina. (Y/N) sits with Kristen and they talk about their kids while her oldest runs around with one of the other kids.

One of her favorite things is to talk about her daughter and brag about her daughter. She has the best daughter and she wants to make sure everyone knows that. She has the best daughter and her daughter as the best father. (Y/N) wants the entire world to know that.

At 6:30, the wives and girlfriends are told they can head out to the ice for warm ups. (Y/N) grabs Reina's ear protection before following behind the group. She puts them on as she walks to the ring.

Reina is holding her elephant as (Y/N) stands right in front of the glass. She's playing with the elephant’s trunk when the Devils players all skate into the ice.

They take shots at the net for the first minute or so before each player begins their own pregame warm up.

When Jack skates past the first time, he has to take a double take. When he skates by the second time, he actually stops and looks like he’s about to cry. (Y/N) turns a bit so he can see the back of Reina’s jersey. He pouts and knocks on the glass with the top of his stick.

(Y/N) tries to get Reina’s attention on Jack behind the class. “Reina, baby,” she says. “Look. It’s daddy.” Her daughter looks around then sees Jack behind the glass.

She smiles when she sees her dad. The biggest smile forms on Jack’s lips when Reina looks at him. Reina reaches out and puts her hands on the glass. Jack pulls off his glove and puts his hand up to hers.

“Hey, my loves,” Jack yells through the glass. Reina giggles when she hears his voice. “I gotta go. I love you both.”

(Y/N) waves goodbye with Reina’s hand before she blows him a kiss. Jack smiles again before he skates away. Her eyes follow her fiancé as he zooms around the ice to warm up for the game.

As warm ups end, Jack is one of the last guys on the ice. He takes a couple extra shots before he skates over to them one more time.

The lights dim and (Y/N) shows Jack the pictures she took before leaving their apartment. He smiles and taps the glass to get Reina’s attention. She giggles in response.

She holds up one half of a heart with her hand. Jack completes the heart as the horn goes off to signal the end of warm ups. “Say bye to daddy,” (Y/N) tells Reina. Her daughter smiles and bangs on the glass.

Jack skates off and (Y/N) heads up to the family suite to watch the game.

The first period goes by quickly. Brendan Smirh ends up with a major for fighting Sebastian Aho and vice versa. The Devils are the team to capitalize and Dawson scores a goal with a Dougie assist. They end the period up 2 to nothing after Luke scores an even strength goal with two minutes left, assisted by Ondrej and Jesper.

The second period is worse than the first. Aho scores on a breakaway and Teuvo Teräväinen scores a shorty. It’s tied at two going into the second intermission.

(Y/N) has to change Reina and give her a bottle. She wouldn’t stop crying with five minutes left in the period.

Ellen walks up to her while she’s feeding Reina in the back of the box. “I truly don’t understand how you’ve managed to stay sane all these years while you’ve played and watched hockey,” she admits to her future mother-in-law. “It’s only the first round and I’m losing my mind.”

“You’ll get used to it,” Ellen laughs. “If Jack is going to do anything, it’s stress you out during playoffs. The same thing happened last year.”

Yeah, except the Devils lost in 5 in the second round to Carolina. They made it to game seven this year. “I need him to not do that.”

The horn signals the end of intermission. The lights come up and (Y/N) makes her way back to her seat. Reina finishes her bottle.

Halfway through the period, Michael McLeod trips one of the Hurricanes and he’s granted a penalty shot. The puck gets past Vitek and Carolina celebrates on the bench as they take the lead with less than ten minutes left to go in the series.

She will never admit it to anyone but she uses Reina to hide behind. She uses her daughter to distract her from the fact the Devils are still down with three minutes left.

Lindy pulls Vitek and (Y/N) has to bite her lip before she yells at him even though he can’t hear her. The entire building is on edge as six Devils players get set for the faceoff.

Nico wins the faceoff and gets the puck back to Luke in the offensive zone. Luke passes to Dougie, who passes to Jack. (Y/N) watches Jack slap the puck to the net. The lantern lights up and the horn sounds. The building nearly explodes as the Devils tie the game up late in the third. (Y/N) stands with Reina on her hip and celebrates the birthday boy scoring a goal.

The final minute of play is always the worst when tied up. It's even worse when it's game seven in the Stanley Cup playoffs. (Y/N) is biting the skin around her nails as she watches Vitek get pulled from net one more time.

With thirty seconds left, Nico puts the puck in the back of the net and (Y/N) swears she loses her hearing from how loud it gets in the building.

The horn sounds one more time to signal that the Devils won the first round of the playoffs. Everyone in the suite celebrates while the boys celebrate on the ice.

One round down. Four games won. Three rounds left to go. 12 more wins. They got it this year.

༺═──────────────═༻

It's nearly an hour after the game when the players begin to make their way into the lounge. Jack is one of the first players to come into the room.

His eyes immediately find (Y/N) and a now sleeping Reina in her arms. He makes his way over and sits beside them on the couch. Jack leans over and presses a soft kiss to her cheek. She looks over at him and smiles.

"Congratulations," she tells him. "Can't wait to root for you in the second round."

Jack's eyes are on his sleeping daughter. "I can't believe she's here," he says. "I mean, I couldn't wait to have her come to a game and she's actually here. Was she okay?"

"She was perfect," (Y/N) replies. "Your mom really helped out a lot. It was nice to come and watch without worrying about a sitter at home with Reina. She was very happy to see you during warm ups. She kept giggling and laughing whenever you skated by. She's such a daddy's girl sometimes. It was the best thing I think I have ever seen."

He takes Reina, who just yawns as she's picked up out of her mother's arms. "It means so much to me that you were both here for the game," he softly says. "Glad we were able to pull off the win for you guys. The jersey is a nice touch, by the way."

"Had to let everyone know who her daddy is," (Y/N) laughs. "I've gotten a lot of comments today saying that she looks like you so I think the entire world knows who her daddy is."

Jack laughs and (Y/N) rests her head on her fiancé's shoulder. "Thank you for giving me this life," Jack says atter a moment of silence. "Being here and being supportive even though I know it's exhausting most of the time. You're a great mom and an even better fiancée. Just want you to know that."

(Y/N) picks her head up and meets Jack's eyes. "We have a lifetime ahead of us," she replies. "But lets get through the playoffs before we continue worrying about any of that, yeah?"

He nods in agreement and Reina begins to whine in Jack's arms. He picks her up and holds her against his chest. Reina's head is on the shoulder that (Y/N) had her head on. As soon as Reina sees Jack, she smiles and he kisses her cheek. "Hi, my baby," Jack says against her skin. "Hope you had a nice nap. You've had a busy day."

She smiles as Jack sits Reina on his lap and plays with their daughter.

This is her life, and she can't wait to find out where it leads.

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MASTERLIST

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taglist : @dancerbailey3

[wonwoosthetic]

when will we get a new chapter for minnie 🫶🏼

a/n: now! ˙ᵕ˙ this was a request sent to me through my Google form, so thank you to whoever wrote it🤗 I hope you guys like the quick little chapter!

series masterlist

warnings – pregnancy scare, short mention and implications of infertility, jokes and mentions about sex

word count – 4.6k

summary – minnie gets a little scare and there’s only one member she can think of to call

pairing – minnie & vernon (mentions of wonwoo x minnie x mingyu)

Better Safe Than Sorry 🌷 Minnie

Minne was in a panic. For the past two hours, the girl hadn't found a second of rest, pacing around the apartment, trying to keep herself busy before the thoughts running through her brain could catch up with her. Vernon was supposed to be here 10 minutes ago, only adding to her anxious state. Wonwoo and Mingyu were at the gym, thank God, she thought to herself.

The past few days, or more so even two weeks, had been... interesting. It started with a headache spanning over multiple days, only for it to turn into a migraine. Or so she thought. Throwing up, going to bed as early as possible, and sleeping in for as long as she could. Something was not right. Add the random heat flashes she had experienced the week before and Minnie started speculating. The moment she realised that her period had been a few days late made her shut down.

It was so secret that women in the industry encountered irregularities with their cycles as stress and diets dominated their lives. But Minnie and the entirety of Seventeen were in a good place. None of them was totally overworked at that point, thanks to their new contract. Diets were, thanks to the need to fit into the impossible beauty standards, still a topic of discussion but they were doing fine. Right?

It was one night out that made her mind spiral. Rapidly.

-

Minnie was enjoying a dinner with her closest friends from school, having made a reservation in one of their favourite restaurants a week ahead to make sure they'd get a private room. Food and drinks were passed around the table, discussions and conversations were flowing and laughter filled the room. Everyone was having a good time. When it hit that point of the night where people were slowly starting to leave, say their goodbyes and make promises to meet up again soon, the female singer was left with her two closest friends from that group. 

Léon, once a boy too afraid to show his true colours, is now a proud man with a husband waiting for him back in their new hometown in Spain. And Hana, the legend of a best friend who had gifted Minnie her first vibrator, and now the owner of one of the most-visited clubs in the nightlife of Hongdae.

The two were well tipsy while Minnie had held herself back a bit. They were still giggling at one of their friends who had stumbled through the door as he exited, the multiple shots of liquor clearly taking over his body.

"You look a little paler than usual," Léon suddenly commented, glancing at the idol with a slight frown, "Are you okay?"

"She probably just got a new IV infusion for extra light skin," the other girl joked, getting a chuckle out of the singer. Hana had never been a fan of the idol life.

Minnie shrugged, her finger circling the rim of her glass, "I've been feeling kinda off."

Her friend downed the last shot on the table before turning to her in confusion, "How off?"

Minnie sighed, "I've had a headache for like... a week now. And two days ago I was throwing up all day. Even yesterday and today when I woke up I felt like I had to puke..." The two friends were eyeing her carefully, letting her speak freely. "And then I had some random, like... heat flashes?" She glanced up to meet their eyes, "I don't know what the hell that was, but... yeah... something's going on, I don't know. But I don't want to provoke it with alcohol."

"That," the guy of the group leaned back, eyes now wide, "does not sound good."

"Yeah, but it must be something with my immune system. My period's also God knows where."

"You missed your period?!" Hana gasped, covering her mouth with her hand.

"Girl-" Léon eyed her with a surprised expression, but Minnie was quick to stop them.

"No, no, no," she waved her hands, "It's not like that. I've missed it before, but it... it's a weird coincidence."

"What do you mean 'not like that'? That sounds a lot like being pregnant to me!" The tattooed girl hissed at her.

That was the first time she had heard the word out loud. Of course, it had crossed her mind. Just like every other woman. The moment her period was late, the first thought to come to her was 'shit, what if I'm pregnant', only to dismiss it a second later at how ridiculous it sounded.

"No, I-... we have the tour and we're preparing for a new album, and it's just... stress or something."

"But you've been stressed before. Way more stressed," the guy in front of her commented. "I don't want to scare you, but... you know..."

"If there's anyone that could be pregnant, it's you, Min," Hana casually told her, leaning back against the cushioned seats.

Minnie frowned as she glanced at her. "What the fuck do you mean?"

"No one's getting laid like you," she laughed, making the other two at the table chuckle and Léon threw his head back in glee.

"Oh, shut up!" The idol exclaimed, "You've got a line of men waiting for you to call them back after leaving their apartment in the middle of the night. And that's just from last week."

"That's not true!" Hana pointed her finger at the girl. "You get two dicks on a regular! Every day, I bet!"

"It's not every day!"

"Every other day then," the only guy quickly commented before their discussion could get any louder.

Minnie shrugged, "Yeah... so what?"

"My God," he chuckled with a shake of his head, "I'm jealous. Honestly." Making the girl laugh out loud.

"No, but seriously," Hana stopped the two, letting silence wash over the table once again. "Have you thought of it?"

"No! Because..." Minnie went quiet.

"They're not using condoms. Don't lie to us," Léon glared at her, his arms crossed in front of his chest.

Hana faked a gasp, "You slut."

"You're not even using them on strangers!" Minnie pointed out, only for her friend to slap her hand away.

"This isn't about me!"

"Whatever..." the singer mumbled, her eyes back on the glass. It was still half filled with the mix of Soju and beer she decided not to finish.

"Okay, but seriously," Léon started again, "Could there... be a possibility?"

"For one, I'm on the pill," she explained, noticing her friends opening their mouths to argue, so she continued, "I know! I know that's not 100% safe, but it's... very safe-"

"I don't know about very safe, to be honest," Hana went back to nursing a glass of water. "My mom was on the pill and look at me now," pointed at herself with a proud grin.

"Don't make me scared," Minnie mumbled as she fell back onto her chair with a sigh.

"We don't want to scare you," her guyfriend explained, letting the other girl continue,

"But take a test, just in case," Hana shrugged. "You know how many pregnancy scares I've had? Still, better safe than sorry." She ended her speech by finishing her water.

Minnie's gaze had landed on her lap, where her thumbs had already started fidgeting with each other. "I...," she started with a sigh but stopped herself again right away.

"What?" Léon wondered, keeping a close eye on the singer, but she just shook her head and brought the glass of alcohol up to her lips.

"Nothing." And downed the last bit.

-

Four days later Minnie was still fighting her stomach each day, going out of her way to try and get as little food and water into her system as possible, knowing it would only trigger her and make her run to the toilet. On the other hand, the lack of nutrition was most definitely also adding to the nausea. There seemed to be no way out for the female singer.

On the verge of tears, overwhelmed with emotions, she had texted Hana in the morning, begging her to go to the store to buy her a pregnancy test. She was still very much in denial of the possibility of her being knocked up, but there were too many signs... But then again, she remembered the conversation she had with her gynaecologist two years ago. The doctor had only let a few words fall from her mouth before Minnie realised what she was trying to tell her.

At the sound of the front door's bell, the idol's head perked up, a second before she was rushing to the door. Once she pressed the camera button, she came to face with the young rapper she had called and pressed to open the door downstairs.

"Thanks!" Came through the speakers as Vernon disappeared into the building.

For the next minutes it would take him to come up, Minnie tried to pretend to have to do something, just praying the time would pass by quicker. The tests, yes multiple, were already placed on the counter of the main bathroom's sink. Hana had arrived with two in her bag, along with chocolate and prosecco to celebrate in case they'd be negative. The alcohol was chilling in the fridge while the sweet treat was waiting for her in the cabinet, with her definitely enjoying it either way of how the tests would come out.

Another doorbell sound rang through the apartment, notifying the female member of his arrival. With a few big steps, she stopped in front of the door, pulling it open in a swift motion. A wide-eyed Vernon standing right in front of her.

"Are you okay?"

"I don't know," she mumbled, catching him off-guard as she pulled him in.

With a frown, the younger member stood right in front of her, shuffling his feet out of his shoes before he followed her down the hall.

"What's going on?"

She continued to walk in silence, only coming to a halt in the middle of the living room. Vernon stopped at the corner into the hallway, leaning against the wall.

"Alright," Minnie sighed, bringing her hands up in front of her, "Look..."

"Oh," the '98 Liner nodded, understanding this was going to be even more serious than he had expected. As if her call, asking him 'Can you come over? Like now? Just for a bit?' with zero explanation didn't alert him enough already, her stance certainly brought his heartbeat up.

"Are you okay?" He repeated his question, taking a seat on the edge of the couch, not daring to lean back in comfort.

The girl pressed her lips together, nodding as she avoided his gaze. "I-... I think so, yeah."

"That's not a yes, so that's alarming."

"No, wait-" she stopped him, "Just-... listen, okay?" Making him nod, so she could continue. "I called you because I know- or, at least I hope, you... won't judge me," his frown made her rush her words out even quicker. "And you won't overreact, because I- I don't even know if I really should be concerned, and honestly, I don't think I should be and if you ask me, I think it's impossible, and I'm overreacting, but some other people have made me think otherwise."

"Oh...kay?" Pure confusion was still written across his face. A beat of silence washed over the two as Minnie thought about what to say next. She was looking around the room, knowing there was no way out and she had brought herself into this situation.

She took one deep breath before blurting out, "I need to take a pregnancy test," pressing her lips tightly together again as she waited for a reaction.

Vernon's eyebrows shot up the moment the words tumbled from her lips. He closed his eyes for a split second, trying to take in what she had just said to him.

"Ehm... for... what?"

Minnie looked at him perplexed, "What do you think people take pregnancy tests for?" She knew sex ED in South Korea wasn't good, but she had hoped it wasn't that horrible.

"Well, I hope you're not gonna take it for the reason I think you might be taking it," he glanced up at her. 

He called himself lucky to get to have her as an older sister despite only being born two months apart. Vernon and Minnie had been close ever since he became a trainee under Pledis, the older girl taking him in as a little brother in an instant. Over the years, she had realised that the lack of an age gap was starting to show as she found herself looking up at him more and more, mentally and literally physically as he had shot up in height. She had found herself looking for comfort in him, asking him for advice or even just listening to him. While some members were more physical when it came to showing their appreciation and love, Vernon kept himself in the background, choosing quiet acts of kindness as his love language, which she sometimes appreciated even more than anything else. But even with all the love the two had for each other, their sibling-like relationship was no secret and not kept behind closed doors.

"And what is the reason you're not hoping for?" She had crossed her arms in front of her chest, her eyes still unsure of whether or not to lock with his.

Vernon sighed and shook his head before glancing back up at her, now finding her gaze. "Do you seriously think you're pregnant?"

"No," she was quick to answer.

The '98 Liner rose from his seat. "Then why take the test?"

"Because!" Minnie started pacing around the room again, fixing her hair along the way.

"Because?" He nagged her.

The girl to a stop. "Better safe than sorry."

Vernon couldn't help but sigh again, "Minnie..."

"There's a 0.01 per cent chance-"

"Don't say 0.01 because if it really was 0.01 you wouldn't even think of taking one!" He pointed a finger at her, quickly realising the rude gesture and putting his hand down again. "Sorry," he mumbled.

"Okay, then maybe a slightly bigger chance... I don't know..." the female member bit down on her lip as her voice quieted down. Her gaze was back on the floor. "I'm scared."

Her confession made the rapper look back at her. He understood the seriousness of the situation, yet he had never seen the girl that way before. On a night out with the group, they had found out about the first pregnancy scare she had had years before, but she acted differently about it then. Took it with a lot more humour. But now, the woman in front of him just confessed to being scared. And he was the one she had trusted to confront about it.

Vernon glanced around the room. He couldn't freak out. He was supposed to help her here.

"Don't be scared," he tried to assure her, getting up from the sofa to take a step closer to her. "Are you serious though?"

Fallen silent, the girl just nodded. After not getting a verbal response back, she spoke up to explain, "I just... I've been feeling kinda... off. It's weird," she brushed it off, "and I really- I don't think I am, but... what if I am?"

Vernon accepted her answer, taking a second to himself. "Okay," he took a deep breath in and out. "It's okay. You have a test?" He asked her.

Minnie nodded.

"You went out and bought one?" Not even trying to conceal the concern in his voice.

"No," she told him, passing him as she made her way to the bathroom. "Hana got two for me."

"Where's she?" The younger member was hot on her feet.

"At work," Minnie explained. "She bought them on her lunch break." She stopped in front of the door, turning around to come to face with the rapper.

Vernon lowered his voice. "Why did you call me?"

The female idol shrugged.

He was desperate at this point. It felt like the wrong situation to be in for him. "Why not... Minghao... or... Shua, or Coups-"

"Coups would have me on a leash and drag me to get me castrated the moment he heard the words 'pregnancy test'!" She defended herself, getting a slight chuckle from him in return.

"Don't know how that would work but you're probably right. He'd do it at the word 'pregnancy' already," he mumbled.

"And... Shua would be way too emotional and... I don't know... Hao too. They'd be so... careful around me and try to comfort me-"

"You don't want to be comforted?"

"Not right now," she shook her head and gulped as he met his eyes. "I called you because you're the only person I know who can just sit there and be there for someone. Without overreacting... or... freaking out. And I'm kinda freaking out, so I need someone with a cool head right now."

"Not gonna lie," Vernon confessed, "I'm freaking out a little though."

"But you're hiding it well."

"Ditto," he nodded at the female member.

Another moment of silence washed over the apartment. Minnie took a quick look into the bathroom, her eyes immediately on the two pink packages by the sink.

"It's basically impossible that I'm pregnant," she admitted. The wheels in Vernon's head started turning, thinking that it was never truly impossible, unless... but he decided not to question her further.

"But I had weird... signs, I guess. And Hana and Léon made me scared. I just wanna make sure."

The '98 Liner nodded along to her words, shaking his head even harder the moment she looked back at him. "Do that. Take the test. Or tests," he dramatically pronounced the plural form.

Minnie nudged her head after a second to take a breath. "Can you come with me?"

Vernon immediately frowned. "Wh- Into the bathroom?"

The girl nodded.

"Ew, no! I'm not gonna watch you piss, bro."

She rolled her eyes, "Don't watch me pee. Just sit next to me," pointing to a stool they had in the bathroom for whatever reason. "Hold my hand?" She batted her eyes at him, mostly to lighten up the situation, while holding a bit of seriousness behind her ask.

"Absolutely fucking not," he shook his head. "Go. I'll be right here."

She eyed him up and down, scrunching up her face. "You're not a real one."

Vernon's eyebrows shot up. "If that's the requirement, I'm good," brushing her off and pushing her to finally get into the bathroom. "Weirdo," he mumbled, getting a last glare. At least she hasn't completely lost her spark, he thought to himself.

The moment she disappeared into the room, Vernon was met with the silence of being by himself. It was only then he realised that he hadn't even asked her about Wonwoo and/or Mingyu. Thinking, if anyone should be there, it would be the two men in question. He passed the thought after a moment of debating, coming to the conclusion that she'd have her reasons. Even after her explanation, he was still slightly confused as to why she'd rather have him than them here with her. He decided he'd rather stay in the unknown rather than pester her with more questions. Right now, she needed a friend, not an interrogator, by her side.

-

Vernon cleared his throat awkwardly.

The duo had found their way onto the couch with the two tests placed neatly on the coffee table ahead of them, facing down so neither one of them could even dare to get a glimpse of the results before the timer went off.

"And... ehm...," he tried to pass the time, hoping to somehow soothe the nerves rushing between both of them. "So... if you were though, like... pregnant," he carefully wondered, seeing her almost flinch at his words. He turned to look fully at her, finding her already staring at him. "Would you... w-would you... you know...," Vernon let out a chunk of air, "know whose it is?"

The time he had to himself let his mind wander to places he didn't even want it to go, but he couldn't help it.

Minnie stayed quiet for a few seconds, the words hitting her clearly hard as her eyes drifted off him.

"Ehm...," she took a deep breath. "I... I- eh... I... no?" Lowering her head, her gaze was back on her hands intertwined in her lap. She gulped, "I don't- I don't think so, n-no..." The confession appeared in the form of a big lump in her throat. 

While she was able to have her fun with the two men in her life, it was only now that she came across an obstacle like this. Of course, they had had conversations about protection, being careful instead of mindless, and consent. Yet, the topic of a possible pregnancy while still taking precautions seemed to have passed them.

Vernon nodded, his lips tightly pressed together. "Alright... damn...," he raised his eyebrows. "That- that's... wow, impressive... I mean- g-good for you. That's... good for you. And I- I mean not good good for you if you're pregnant, but, you know... good as in good for-"

"Vernon?"

"Yeah, I'm shutting up."

Not the time or place for a conversation like that, nor did she want to go into more detail about the couple's constellation in the bedroom with one of her closest friends, whom she considered her little brother. Neither did Vernon. But the silence had become dreadful.

Any other day, the duo would have no issue sitting next to each other in complete silence, yet, at that very moment, both wanted anything but to stay quiet. And finding a topic of conversation seemed more challenging than ever before.

The '98 Liner could see her shaking leg in the corner of his eye, unsure of how to comfort her well enough since it was the first time in a situation like that for him too. In an attempt to help her, he reached out and placed his hand on her knee, hoping it would calm her.

"It's okay," he quietly told her, turning his head to meet her clearly frightened gaze.

"Is it though?" She kept the conversation going.

He retrieved his hand again to turn the rest of his body to face her more clearly.

"You said it's... very unlikely." He continued to choose his words carefully, not trying to overstep and drag her into a hole she might not get out of.

Minnie nodded. "Yeah...," she whispered, hugging herself as if she was freezing. "Very unlikely, but... never impossible, right?"

Vernon shrugged his shoulder, "I think only you'd know that. If it's possible or not."

Whether they were talking about the act of conception or possibly rather the chances of her fertility would stay between the two.

The girl gulped. "It's unlikely. Very, very unlikely." 

A quiet pat on her back gave her the validation and comfort she craved and asked for.

"That's why I called you," Minnie confessed after a short few seconds of quietness.

"Hm?" Vernon glanced back at her after his eyes had been fixed on his phone.

"You can just sit here. Accept it, without a big reaction. And I still feel comforted. You... your presence is very comforting."

The question as to why him and not the men that lived with her was still burning his tongue, yet he didn't even dare to let it fall from his lips. Maybe another time.

"I still don't think I'm the right person for something like this-"

"You are," she quickly reassured him. "I didn't even think of anyone else."

The truth was, were the first people to pop into her head her lovers? Yes, of course. But in a moment of panic, in a situation that could affect either one of their lives immensely, she didn't want to confront them. Not with 100% certainty of a result. She wanted to avoid the unnecessary anxiety and hysteria spreading to other people involved in this. Not if there's nothing to be worried about in the first place, she kept on convincing herself.

In addition, as they had talked about before, knowing the rest of her members, there was a group of them that would try to be as emotionally available as they possibly could, their arms around her during the entire process, trying to console her while she just needed someone next to her. The other part of them would turn it into the headline of their tabloid, running around frantically, trying to make sense of the situation, while freaking out, scaring her even more.

And then there was Cheol, the oldest of them all, she shook her head as she didn't even want to think of a possible reaction of his. Yes, he'd support her no matter what, but the image of disappointment on his face was something she couldn't stomach.

Silently, Vernon leaned back, a tight smile on his lips. He appreciated her honesty.

Their sweet moment of companionship was interrupted by the sound of the teeth-shattering, chill-sending sound of his alarm. Vernon didn't even think of changing the ringtone, just opting to go with the standard iPhone one, making the girl shudder as he turned it off.

"Alright," he sighed. "You ready?"

Minnie nodded, pushing herself up to sit further on the edge, her knees close to hitting the coffee table.

"I do one, you do one?"

"Dude, you peed on that, I'm not touching it!" His exclaim made her look at him dumbfounded.

"I peed on that part," she pointed at the end covered by a plastic cap. "You won't even touch it."

But Vernon just shook his head. "You do it."

"Real supportive," she mumbled at him with an amused glare and nudge of her head.

Rushing down the number from three to one in her head, with a deep breath, she turned one test around, wanting to rip the bandaid off quickly and get it over with. Carefully, she looked at the small electronic display, ready for the worst to hit her.

"Not pregnant," she read out loud with a big breath of air. With a quick move, she turned around the second one, a content smile on her lips as she found the same result.

"Not pregnant," Vernon nodded, looking at the coffee table ahead of him before turning towards the female member. "You okay?"

Minnie pressed her lips together tightly, looking at him with a somewhat smile on her face as she nodded. "Yeah..."

Her gaze fell back on the white and blue plastic, her hands still cramped up in her lap as the younger rapper let himself fall further back into the blue couch. He let a moment pass, giving her the silence to herself.

"You know," he patted her back, gaining her attention, "If you were though...," she met his eye. "I'd drive you. Check-up... or...," with a motion of his hand, he pretended to cut his neck, getting a chuckle from her in return.

"I know," she whispered, not trusting her voice to become any louder. Too many emotions were rushing through the short moment, too many for at that time after coming close to what she'd describe as a heart attack.

In the blink of an eye, she had her arms wrapped around his torso, making the younger member smile softly as he returned the embrace. A comforting hand ran up and down her arm. It wasn't often he reciprocated the show of affection from her, but he'd let her for now, knowing she most definitely needed it.

With her cheek against his shoulder, he felt her tightening her arms in a pulse as she spoke up again.

"That's why I called you."

Taglist: @waosobii @chaebb @lunarxsun @hoe4wonwoo @kimhyejin3108 @soobzao @billboard-singer @cosmicwintr @zwiehe @alixnsuperstxr @angie-x3 @smooore @allthings-fandoms @lllucere

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for wanting to spend a night out with a guy?

I'm twenty, study in university and still live with my parents. I've been planning to move out since I was eighteen, but they told me to keep living at home and not get a job so I could focus on studying while they take care of me financially. This arrangement has worked mostly well in the past years save for a few small conflicts, but it's escalated in the past 3-4 months.

The issue is my time schedule. I have a very active social life, am active in the local art scene, do political work and a lot of extracurricular stuff for university (I'm a straight A student, I might add!). Because of this, and because I'm a natural night owl, I usually come home late several days a week (between 10pm and 2am) and stay out all day for most of the week. This means I can't do a lot of chores, and usually there's a lot of housework because my mum has a bit of a cleaning anxiety and wants to make sure everything is spotless 24/7.

Enter this guy, I'll call him Tim. I met him at a festival last summer and we became long distance friends. Tim has visited me for a day several times before, but this weekend he offered to come over for two days and we agreed to spend the night stargazing together without sleeping. I loved the idea and immediately said yes. It was gonna be just us, a couple energy drinks, and some bench in the city center, and I was really looking forward to it.

The thing is, my mum does not like Tim. Like, at all. She thinks he seems very sleazy and generally distrusts him because he feels "too nice" for her. Mind you, he's just a somewhat shady looking guy who is generally pretty anxious he might make a bad impression, so he overperforms the whole "respectable member of society" act a bit around new people. I've introduced him to my friend group and even the more sceptical people absolutely love him and think he's a very sweet, helpful person. In basically every stressful situation I've ever seen him in he's been deescalating, protective and helpful, and he has on several occasions been my first source of comfort when things went to hell.

Today I told my mum in an offhanded comment that I won't come home between Sunday and Monday and the situation escalated completely. She was crying, accusing me of ruining her month, saying I didn't care about this family, it got ugly. The main point she had was that I was staying out all night with someone who's a total stranger to her and she doesn't trust him at all. In the end we compromised that Tim and I would spend the night awake, but not in the city, at home.

I feel really humiliated by this whole situation and honestly, kind of betrayed, because I was promised stuff like this wouldn't happen, and it just hits in a much safer situation than ones I've been in before (I used to get blackout drunk and sleep at parties a lot.). I'm a legal adult, have been for years now and it's so disappointing that my parents still treat me like a child sometimes and are so judgy towards my friends too. At the same time, I'm wondering whether I've acted wrong too by not telling her about this earlier and not taking her concerns that seriously. I forget sometimes that I talk to Tim every day for hours, but my parents only briefly ran into him once, so of course their view of him is skewed.

PS: I should add that when I told him about this, he immediately apologized, asked if I needed anything or wanted to change the plan and decided to dig out the least offensive outfit he could find so he'd make a good impression on my parents. So he's definitely trying his best.

[prince-liest]

My first patient today made me so happy. She's this relatively young woman that I've seen a few times now who came in with this story of really debilitating, recurrent episodes of nausea and vomiting multiple times a week that were getting in the way of work and life and leaving her collapsed in the shower for hours a day. She had irritable bowel syndrome listed in her diagnoses, and was tearful for most of her first visit because she was so tired, stressed, and had basically been told repeatedly that she just had to lose weight. I was like, cool, weight can definitely be a goal for your long-term health but right now I'm more concerned about your immediate quality of life.

She's also had migraines with aura since she was a kid, worse the past few years.

Now, don't get me wrong: I did a thorough work-up to make sure that the nausea and vomiting weren't from some other underlying pathology. Thyroid, ultrasound, the words. Results were all pretty much perfect.

Anyway, started her on sumatriptan as an abortive medication for the migraines, it helped partially but not fully, so I nixed the sumatriptan and started her on daily venlafaxine as a preventative and stacked Nurtec on top as an abortive medication and she came back looking happy for the first time I've ever seen her. Like, every single other visit she's ended up crying in the office, not even out of active upset but just because she was so stressed and tearful at baseline. Also, guess what? No more debilitating nausea and vomiting.

I've started several people on antidepressants and one of the things I've been realizing fairly swiftly is that more than half the time I'm starting people on them, they do have depressive or anxious symptoms...but the main thing I'm gunning for is actually either migraines or chronic pain. And I get two birds with one stone: improved pain, and improved mood because, well, antidepressant, but also because not being in pain makes people happier.

Antidepressants woooooo

[highhhfiveee]

to save

(a bonus "to crumble" ficlet | this is to be read after to surrender; the entire collection is here: 🩹) pairing: mike schmidt x blackfem!reader summary: abby needs a savior. you come to the rescue.  wc: 4.2k tags: angst through and through mostly (some light violence, arguing, child neglect ): , drug and alcohol mentions, infertility mentions, angry feelings about a shitty situation [mike you suck]), fluff towards the end with reader and abby (: a/n: so, i hit 1k followers the other day (which thank you so much??? what a nuts accomplishment!!) and i'd decided a while back that this is what i wanted to give you all as a surprise, considering that a lot of you enjoyed the to crumble fics 🥹 this was originally supposed to be longer, but i may do a part 2 just because i didn’t want it to be super long and i wanted to finally put it out cause it's been overdue lmao. enjoy!

you'd been used to silence at night, but now, it was different.

before, the dead of night was peppered with stressful, anxious energy. you'd lay in bed staring at the ceiling, wondering how everything would manage to stay glued together. you begged yourself to dream instead of think. you'd wanted to be whisked away from the incessant, compulsive thoughts you had about work, home, your relationship; every second you could spend with your eyes closed, turning that silence into a fantasy you could almost taste, was better than being awake and facing your reality.

sleep had been your way to escape the quiet then, but these days, you enjoyed every second of it.

for the first few weeks of being away from mike and abby, you'd been unnerved by the still air of your parent's house. everything was calm and collected and unlike anything you'd experienced in the past two years, and you'd wanted to accept it with open arms, but your body held you back with a bit of apprehension.

everything felt so relaxed, but when would it blow up?

the thought had lingered in the back of your mind as you went about your life---another semester of school went by, and another birthday, grocery store trips, gas station visits, lunches with your parents and friends; soon, you're not thinking of anything going wrong ever again.

you were uncomfortable with peace at first, but now, you realized how invaluable it was. everyone deserved peace, and since you'd gotten yours, you hadn't wanted to let it go.

you were resting in this peace once more, curled up on the living room couch and leisurely clicking through your gradebook when it's shattered down the middle by ...baby one more time.

it was abby's ringtone, the one you'd selected specially for her. it would've filled you with glee, getting a call from your favorite girl, if it weren't for the fact that she never called. she was more comfortable with texts and emails and you respected that. you wanted to make this time in her life as serene as possible, and wrote her back once that phone calls will only be for emergencies then, okay?

it was 10:27 pm, and she should've been asleep, watched by max or whoever mike had hired as her babysitter now. you answer the phone after the second ring, closing your laptop. "is everythi---"

"y/n," she sobs, and suddenly you're fully alert, placing your computer on the couch cushions and shooting to your feet. "can you please come get me?" you don't hesitate to dash to your room and throw on clothes at her distressed tone, keeping your phone between your shoulder and cheek. your heart pounds, the sound wooshing through your skull.

still, you muster up the courage to ask, "abby, what's going on? are you okay, are you hurt? where's max?"

"she got into a-a fight with mike. she didn't come when s-she was supposed to, and mike was u-u-upset that she was gonna make him late for work. they had been yelling at each other so he left, and then max did too. i don't think she t-t-old him." you stop all of your movements at her hiccupping, squeezing your eyes shut.

"she just left you alone at the house?"

"y-yes, and i've been trying to call and text mike but he's n-not picking up."

you'd always known that mike put his phone on Do Not Disturb when he went to work, but that was before. that was when you were the one watching abby at night. you don't understand why he still keeps it on, and why abby's not able to bypass the setting.

"when did he leave?"

"l-like 30 minutes ago. max left like f-five ago."

"how many times did you call him?"

"eight."

you bite at your bottom lip as you fight to hold back tears. your hands ball into fists at the rage that you feel inside, hot and searing and aimed at the two adults that left an eleven-year-old unaccompanied.

"i want you to pack a bag with enough stuff for a couple of weeks, okay? i'm gonna come get you and you're gonna stay with me for a little."

abby's calmed down enough to say, "but isn't your parents' house too small?" without stuttering. it was, but that was irrelevant. in the grand scheme of everything, the amount of space didn't matter. you just wanted abby to be safe.

"doesn't matter, sweet girl. they'll understand, and we'll do all the fun stuff we used to do together. we're gonna do karaoke, and watch movies, a-and we can paint again. don't you miss that?"

you can hear abby nod, and when she sniffles, murmuring, "i miss it a lot," you're like an olympian sprinting to your car, cooing, "lock the front door and wait for me in your room, yeah? everything's going to be okay, abby, i promise."

you're throwing your car into gear like you drive for a living, speeding all the way across town. you'd be fearful for cops if the pure adrenaline of your past hadn't been coursing through your veins; you feel transported back to the days of rushing over to abby's school, sweeping her into your arms as she wailed about mike forgetting her day in and day out.

you were her savior then, and though you loved her beyond words, you'd never wanted to be that. when you'd left, you thought you'd finally shed that title, but here you were again. you'd wrap her up in your arms and she'd see that halo over your head again, thanking you for saving her from the common denominator in both of your problems; the one person that had roped you two back into this pattern.

you still do the wrapping when she runs into your arms in the foyer, of course, holding her so tight that you're afraid you might break her, and as you do, you take in her environment.

the house hadn't been in complete shambles like you'd expected, but it still wasn't anywhere near what it should've been. there were dishes piled in one side of the sink, surrounded by buzzing gnats, and clothes thrown all around the living room. none of them are abby's.

"max's been trying to help me clean, but mike just ruins our progress," abby sits next to her bags on the couch once you let her go, staring up at you with red-rimmed eyes that take you back to the day you left.

"help you clean?" you gripe, glaring at empty, sticky-looking cups and the heap of mail, mostly bills, on the dining table.

"mike..." abby drops her eyes down to her feet, picking a piece of skin off the edge of her thumb. "nothing really changed when you left." she continues on, telling you about how everything had gotten worse in the six months that you'd been gone.

mike had quit his other job and started locking himself in his room again. sometimes, he even forgot to take abby to school after work, despite her shouting and banging against the door to get him to do so.

after her failed attempts, she'd sit in her room all day, falling asleep in her fort after sobbing for hours upon hours, while mike showed up to the pickup lane of her school in the afternoon bleary-eyed and disheveled.

"mr. schmidt, abby was never dropped off."

he'd come back home to find her curled up and snoring under her tent; safe and sound in this strange way that should've disturbed him. it should've made his blood boil, anger directed towards himself when he realized that he'd just dreamtthat he'd taken her to school instead of tangibly doing it. it should've worried him that her school might pick up on that, and get higher powers involved.

with his latest cocktail, an ambien and a beer (or two), however, he felt nothing at all.

once he'd seen abby in her room, he'd closed the door and sent them back into the same cycle he'd created.

max had tried her best to take care of abby, but considering the fact that mike wasn't paying her anything, she couldn't always afford to help abby in the way she wanted and mike hadn't been much help. he'd always leave without a word when she showed up at night, and even when she'd begun taking abby to school in the mornings, he hadn't shown any gratitude. he'd only used it to feel better about his irresponsibility, feeling on top of the world when he dropped by abby's school and she was actually there to be picked up.

max's generosity had allowed mike to wholeheartedly slip back into his previous neglectful autopilot; he saw his duties as guardian done when food was in the fridge, toiletries were in the bathroom, and his sister was enclosed in the house, and that pissed you off to the highest degree.

you understood max's stance with fighting against him, but you wondered why abby had to be hurt in the process. she was just a child, someone that shouldn't have been brought in the middle of a petty squabble between two adults. max should've never left her alone, and you're desperate to chew her out as well.

"i think i might get kicked out of school too," abby solemnly tells you now as you throw her bags into the backseat of your car and buckle her up in the front. "i don't think he can afford it anymore. they pull him aside to talk every time he comes and gets me. 'just give me more time', he always says."

your eyes fill with tears again, and you let them fall. she was only eleven and deserved none of this. you were sure that if you had nothing to live for, you'd kill mike. you felt like there was no remedy for anything he'd done until he was gone, completely separate from you and abby in every way, shape, and form.

an idea that wouldn't land you life in prison formulates in your head, and it's this idea that propels you to freddy's, your hand smoothing down abby's flyaways as you drive with an aching heart.

"stay in here, okay?" you tell her once you've stopped the car in the desolate parking lot of mike's job. "lock the doors behind me."

"y/n, i'm sorry for not telling you anything about what was happening," she seems genuinely disappointed in herself, closing her own teary eyes. a single droplet cascades down her cheek and you caress it, placing a soft, forgiving kiss on her forehead. her emails and texts had made it seem like everything was okay, but you couldn't blame her for putting on a front.

you'd let go from them and she'd understood why. she didn't want to worry you about her and her brother, the brother who'd made you wear a smile while he dragged you through hell. none of that was her fault, but still; she was related to him and felt like a mess, a burden by association. "i didn't tell anyone because i was afraid they would send me away an---"

"it's okay, abby," you purr, opening your car door and sticking your leg out. "soon, you won't have to be afraid anymore. i'll make sure of it."

you remind her of your original instructions and she nods, clicking the electronic lock on the door panel as you march to the dated entrance of the pizzeria. you grit your teeth, bashing your balled fists on the door.

"open the fuck up, mike!" you scream, turning your flaming face towards the security camera as you continue your assault against the building. your hands prickle with the feeling of the solid glass on your skin but you push it aside, pounding as hard as you can. "mike! i swear to fucking god, open this fucking door!"

your throat is nearly raw from shouting for so long, and you begin kicking at the door when it finally swings open, and your feet and hands are connecting with mike's loose frame.

"y/n, what the fuck..." his speech is slurred, and it only angers you further. you don't stop your movements, smacking at his body with a fury you don't think you've ever felt in your entire life.

mike feels nothing of the sort. he barely feels anything, disoriented and numb from the drug-induced nap he'd been taking.

you'd been in his dream; shit, you'd been in them forever, but more so since the two of you had broken up. it felt like a part of his punishment for everything he'd done, though he thought that was the only way he'd ever see you again. he doesn't expect to feel the weight of your small fists beating against his chest, or that he'll have to wrangle his arms around your waist to stop your attack on him. you're still as beautiful as ever, so red-faced and irritated in your favorite sweats, but he knows it doesn't matter. it's just a thought, one that doesn't even work to deflect his attention from your violent efforts. "jesus christ, stop---hitti--"

"get the fuck off me, mike!" you screech, forcefully shoving your hands into the center of his chest. his arms around your waist made you feel dizzy once upon a time, but feeling them now, for any reason, makes you want to throw up, and you're nearly crying as he tightens them around you. "get off!"

"stop trying to beat the shit out of me, then!" he retorts, stumbling back as you push into him once more when he finally drops you. you're both staring at each other, your breaths labored and emotional, and you launch straight into your tirade, jamming a finger in mike's face.

"well, why don't you stop dragging me back into your life! max left abby at home alone and i was the only person who could help her, mike," he opens his mouth to tiredly protest, but you turn your finger into an entire hand, halting his words. "and before you say, 'well, she could've called me', she did. she called you eight times, but you didn't answer. abby would've been home by herself all night because of you and now, i have to be wrapped up in this again. was almost two years not enough?"

mike's slow mind begins to jog with the mention of abby being alone, but he's still slurring, sunken eyes dark in the low lighting of the vacant pizzeria. "y/n..."

"you're taking the ambien again, aren't you?"

he's licking his lips and letting out a deep sigh, his eyes fluttering to the ground. you begin to hiss, "tell me the truth" when he finally mutters, "i need it."

your laugh is sharp and bitter and aimed towards the sky, tears cresting your lash line again. "like you needed it then, too?"

you never thought you'd see mike again, or at least not so soon. it's saddening to you that your reunion is filled with such distress. you couldn't be happy to see him even if you tried, and that thought pricked at your body with the intensity of a million needles.

how pathetic, all that time you'd been together, all that love and affection reduced to anger pulsing in your heart.

"you're so hopeless, mike." the words sting your tongue, filling the air between you with bitter animosity, but both of you know it's not a lie. "i don't understand why you won't change; not even just for abby, or for me, but for yourself. this wasn't what this was supposed to be," you dig your teeth into the plushiness of your bottom lip as you weep on. "we alldeserve better than this. we were supposed to better our lives together."

"yeah, we were, and then you left."

you wrinkle your forehead irritably, snapping, "you don't get to use that against me. you know exactly why i left."

mike stares at you, grinding his molars together with a tight, clenched jaw. "that's also why i'm gonna take full custody of abby."

it's mike's turn to chuckle now, the sound rumbling through his chest and causing him to place his palm on his abdomen. he bends over slightly, rolling through the motions of an exaggerated belly laugh, and you cross your arms over your chest, straightening your posture. "this isn't some kind of joke. i'm serious, mike."

"yeah, okay, y/n." his groggy, nonchalant tone irritates you; it makes it impossible to not think about how he's probably like this at home, hiding away and drugging himself to sleep, ignoring the one person that needs him more than ever.

"you're in no position to take care of her! you get home from work and lock yourself in your room, forget to take your little sister to school, and ignore her calls when you're at work so you can sleep through your entire shift!" you hadn't yelled that intensely since you'd found out mike had cheated on you, and it didn't even feel good. there was nothing rewarding about it, and it made swallowing to soothe your throat more painful. "so i'm taking her far the fuck away from you. she's had it hard enough, and it's me, your aunt, or the state. i refuse for abby to have to grow up in an environment that's not safe for her, and you're going to have to deal with that."

you're giving him a tight smile, holding your shaky hands in surrender as you pace backwards towards the entrance. you shrug your shoulders at mike's expression, pinched and angry and pointed as you begin to push the main doors open.

“yeah, you wanna play mommy to my little sister cause you can’t have kids of your own?”

you freeze in place, painfully furrowing your eyebrows. there's a piercing ache in your stomach, the poke of mike's dig at you spreading to every nerve in your body.

something you'd revealed to him when you two had seriously talked about living together and settling down, all tearful and dreary and apologetic, now used against you like it had the weight of some kind of crime deserving life.

he'd held you that night, kissing your cheeks and comforting you, whispering, "you don't have anything to apologize for, baby. me, you, and abby can be a family."

you hadn't wanted to be some young parent, but you'd loved the idea of a support system and a place that was actuallyhome, the hub of everything family. you'd been raised in that and wanted to continue it, carrying on that closeness in your own time.

so many doctors visits had told you that it wouldn't be possible. you'd worked hard to accept it, and though it pained you every time thoughts of growing old and settling down swirled in your head, mike had helped you truly come to terms with it. "who knows what miracle could happen? even so, family can be created or chosen. we can build our family in so many ways, okay?"

you're back to freddy's as quickly as you drifted, wondering if mike had thought about the same memory as you after he'd let the words foolishly tumble from his mouth. his face reveals little, his hooded eyes looking to the dust-covered information board beside you.

mike was able to play both roles; he could be the sweet, gentle, affectionate type, but recently, if you provoked him in any way, he turned grating and cruel. you didn't understand him anymore. you hadn't in a long time, but in this particular moment, he's completely and totally lost on you.

in the past, he was asking why you hadn't left him, so guilty and ashamed and saying he didn't deserve you, but even after leaving, you'd gotten sucked back in, every single second in his presence a punch to the gut as he showed you exactly what he meant.

you're giving him room to say something, anything, maybe even apologize, but there's just silence that you can't enjoy. something you'd become so fond of begins to drive you up a wall, so you huff despairingly and mutter, “it's for her own good, mike.” before leaving.

accommodating your life for abby hadn't been on your bucket list, but you were surprised at how effortlessly you'd fallen into being her full-time caretaker again. you'd immediately sprung into action, letting abby inhabit your bedroom while you sorted everything out with your parents. they hadn't been overwhelmed with joy about the circumstances, as they'd never cared for mike much, but they don't judge you.

though what you're doing is big, they understand what you're doing it for. someone you'd do anything for, someone that you wanted to protect and nurture. you were willing to put it all on the line for abby's well-being, and they admired you for that.

they'd fortunately helped you get into a small apartment, one close to abby's school, and you'd gotten in contact with abby's aunt, pleading your case for custody to her with a highly-detailed portfolio over brunch.

she wasn't your favorite person, the stick up her ass unbearable at times, but you'd needed her to see you as competent enough to go through with transferring her petition for full responsibility of abby. you'd been nervous at first, but the massive amount of damning evidence and "shit-talking" on mike's behalf had been enough for her to see you as fit, in addition to your "stable, ordinary career".

though she'd been easy to win over, you hadn't expected mike to be as well after your encounter at freddy's. with the way he'd reacted when you broke the news, you'd thought you'd be arguing with him constantly, bickering about how he wasn't in a good enough spot to keep abby in his charge.

only that never happened, and you'd  let out a big sigh when you received signed documents in the mail, relinquishing all of his rights and privileges as abby's guardian. his name wass scribbled across the signature lines in thin, inky strokes, slanted and sloppy.

like everything regarding your connection, it was bittersweet. abby had even expressed the same sentiment when you'd picked her up from her newly-attended after school program. you'd told her aunt about her schooling, and she'd agreed to help pay for most of it considering that abby was in your care now.

"money won't go to waste now. i wanted mike to work for it, the lazy fool. i wasn't gonna let my money go down the drain with him."

you'd simply nodded at her confession, unsure of why all of the adults in abby's life had failed her. not paying for her school because of mike was idiotic to you, but you'd brushed it aside with the thought that she could finally be fully enriched now.

all of the new possibility, for both you and abby, rode on your shoulders, and though you'd been curious as to why you were the one chosen for this responsibility, you'd accepted it with open arms.

"y/n," abby's voice pulls you from your thoughts, and you're back to sitting at the small dinette in your new kitchen with her, lo mein weaved around your wooden chopsticks. the noodles slip when you jolt with a soft, "huh". her eyes are wide and inquisitive, and you close your own to recollect yourself. "are you okay?"

"yeah, i'm sorry. just thinking about...things."

"not about shrimp lo mein, i see," abby giggles deviously, reaching her hand into your container to snatch a shrimp. she pops it into her mouth with a hum as you gawk in fake disapproval, getting her back for a piece of her sesame chicken.

"and you're not thinking about sesame chicken, so take that," you retort, the both of you falling into hushed, familiar laughter that makes the rapid change of your life so worth it.

you'd taken a bit of time off from work to deal with constant meetings and court dates, and even though abby had already been staying with you during the entire case, you were now her appointed guardian and it felt unreal.

you'd seen how happy she'd gotten. it was like the old days, when you'd first met; she was so lively and joyous and curious then, and you'd been so thrilled to see that sparkle return to her eye with every trip to the children's museum, morning conversation on the ride to school, and dragged out bedtime story.

you knew that every signature, every eerie government building, every early morning and late night, everything----it had all gone into ensuring that abby had endless moments like that, and ones like the present; eating her favorite chinese food after finishing up homework and bathing, and giggling with you as she was reminded that she'd never have to worry about being taken care of ever again.

you couldn't let anyone down, especially not her. you'd taken the biggest risk to change her life, and in knowing that, savior didn't feel like such a heavy title.

now, it was freeing; to save didn't feel so crushing anymore.

"don't worry about my things," you stretch your arm across the vinyl table for her hand, brushing your thumb across her delicate skin with a warm, loving smile. "all that matters right now is that you're here with me, safe and cared for. that's a thing we can both think about."

(,: didn't think i'd write anything else for this au but they get me every time. how sweet. i hope you all enjoyed! thank you so much again for 1k, i love you all!!

faire's seedlings ✿

@leahdhopkins4321-@pyr0-kai-@angstywhore-@sunazroo-@nyxthoughtss-@mirophobic-@fayethor-@marixsimps-@regretfulme-@ithinkitszeph-@707xn-@cattt777-@violetta-ximena-@amnesia33-@topnerd03-@fastnights-@laprvphette-@savage-aespa-@mfdxz-@0-tatiana-0-@dusstory-@delwrites-@mikeschmidtgf-@jun1p3rlol-@xyzstar-@aquamarine001-@atrociouslybear-@ickleronniekinsemotionalrange

[thewulf]

Hey love, I just discovered that you are also writing for Criminal Minds? Well I've got a story mind, if you don't like it, it's totally ok. You're the writer and these should be your stories and how you want to express your creativity. Just let me know if you don't like my idea 🤍

The reader is a member of BAU, but nobody knows her dark past. She's running from her abusive ex. Once he hurt her so bad (fractured skull, several severe injuries) he left her to die in their apartment. Nowadays she keeps that past hidden, as good as she can. Nowadays she suffers from terrible migraine attacks (dizziness, nausea, great deal of pain) because of her fractured skull. One day she gets mysterious text messages on her phone and her fear that her ex found her is resurfacing. Lack of sleep and the stress make her migraines more frequent and worse. Hotch notices that she is often distracted and during a case she does a mistake which puts her life at risk. Hotch is furious (because he is attracted to her since day one and always worries about her) and confronts her first thing back at the bureau. Her lack of answers just puts oil in to the fire of Hotch's anger and he screams at her. She has a bad migraine and can't stand his screaming which spirals her into a bad panic attack. Pleading not to hurt her Hotch's notices that his behavior was more than wrong. He tries to calm her down but she hallucinates and just sees her ex. Well... In my mind he can calm her bit down. Maybe she throws up in his bureau and he takes her to his apartment to keep her safe and to take care of her. Fluffy happy ending maybe? 😇

some protective morgan, Spencer and Rossi into the mix....

Let me know if you hate it 👀🤍

Oh my gosh I LOVE it. Why was I super anxious reading through it?? Hahaha I'm obsessed and am so pumped I'll finally be writing Hotch!! He's been my forever crush. I've been way to in love with Criminal Minds for far too long.

So, I have three requests ahead of this one but I'm hoping to get 1-2 out this week. So hopefully I can get this out in a week or two!!

Thank you for the angsty to fluffy request! This is going to be challenging but so much fun to write. :)

Link to story here!!

[brb-on-a-quest]

Day Fourteen Day Fifteen Day Sixteen

im SOOOOO SORRY that I left you guys hanging those two days! *cries* the first one I genuinely forget, and the second I was too busy to do it- and I think that this is not the first time this might happen, since the farm (oh yeah, if you're not one of my regular followers, you should know I'm a farmhand lol) is picking up steam, during my down time Im trying to do more physical rest for my body to recover. which means unfortuantely, Ive been spending less time on here in general, and that my longer posts that take more time to write have had to pause for a while.

so, I'm sorry to say but this is the last day i'll be able to do this for a while, but maybe forever. I've had so much fun with it and loved to see everybody's different answers, and how we've all connected!! but for at least a few days/weeks, I need a bit of a break lol. if anyone wants to pick up this game again, with the same list of people I've given already or different ones, you are more than welcome to! and I'm not leaving Tumblr, I'm just not going to do this particular ask game anymore.

our final question: what is something that you you want in your life, and what can you do to achieve it? what steps do you need to take to earn the life you see yourself living?

thank all of you so much! I hope to return again maybe sometime! I wish you all the best :)

Awww no worries gracie! take care of yourself first. Def appreciate all the work it must've taken to come up with good questions. I'll be sure to haunt your inbox soon with hopefully some equally thought-provoking (or not) questions.

ok, actual question: our final question: what is something that you you want in your life, and what can you do to achieve it? what steps do you need to take to earn the life you see yourself living?

To be honest, this question has haunted me for the past...well since before high school. (has it really been almost 10 years since I was a baby highschool freshman?). To be also perfectly honest, my depression and anxiety were so bad I was never convinced I would make it as far as I did... which allowed me to put off answering the question for a long while until the Hour of College Applications approached.

Well, against all previous conceptions of my future, I am still alive and about to graduate in December (literally how) and set to walk across the beautiful stage in May to get my undergrad diploma with some kind of academic honors (I forget the Latin for it). Definitely not the highest GPA, but I am relatively proud of myself considering the effort and, for lack of a better phrase, blood, sweat, and tears that have gone into this. So, steps that need to happen in order to graduate

Pass classes (Preferably with A's but I'm also in a position where hopefully my self-esteem won't die with a B or 2).

Write and Finish my thesis (shaking crying throwing up I don't have enough capacity for this even if it's only 15 pages in Spanish)

Study and hopefully pass a GRE (graduate school readiness exam I think? 'cuz I'm told it's a good idea for master's school applications I can not stress enough how much I hate standardized tests and am so anxious about this that I haven't even opened my books yet, I've just been throwing myself into thesis research instead; I 'know not all schools require this but I'm going into something that's not my major, so I feel some kind of need to prove myself).

Apply to graduate schools for counseling!

Only four things... it shouldn't be so bad.... one would think... (can I please just skip to the part where this is over why do people call college the best years of my life).

The other thing I want to work on is just being a better person and in particular a better friend. My goal is therapy, particularly pediatric therapy because it's such a neglected area where I'm from and also in general I think because there tends to be stereotypes of "oh children can't have mental health problems." but doing that means I want to develop more compassion, friendliness, and patience and gentleness and actual listening skills while being assertive...yk an environment that nurtures personal and other's growth. Which is really hard. Progress has been made but still more to go.

[azzandra]

Stuck in cat logistics hell, because Mitzi really, really needs to be seen by a vet, but she has a seething murderous hatred for vets and becomes completely unhinged when put in a cat carrier as a result. But over the past 6 weeks? two months or so? her health has taken a very concerning turn.

The problem is she's 13 years old and the vet says because she's this old it's too risky to sedate her for the vet visit. But I suspect some of the issues she's experiencing are age-related and googling things like "symptoms of cat dementia" has been very disheartening. Some very bad changes in behavior lately have me extremely concerned.

She's currently at my brother's place because about a month ago she started becoming extremely aggressive towards our other cats (more than usual, because she's never been a fan of the others anyway) and they started basically harassing her constantly in response which made her extremely stressed. She stopped using the litterbox and also started having anxious fits. Since my brother's cats are more well-behaved, we thought maybe Mitzi would do better here, but it turns out Mitzi is just as aggressive towards them. She's still a lot calmer here because she has a room mostly to herself and these cats are less persistent about bugging her.

She's also hostile towards my brother and sister-in-law, in spite of the fact that she knows them?? For the first 10 years of her life my brother was also there living in the same house, there's no reason she should be constantly hissing at him now. She never did that before.

She also freaks the fuck out if anyone touches her body. She's always liked being petted around the head more than her body, but now if anyone touches her lower body she yowls and bites and scratches. She's also lost weight despite eating about the same, and she's shedding like hell but isn't washing herself as thoroughly as usual.

I've been spending the past few days at my brother's, observing Mitzi closely (something that was impossible to do home because the other three cats were constantly glued to my side, and if they were there, Mitzi would not approach). She doesn't even play the same. I was waving a toy stick around her and her eyes didn't seem to track it. I had to grind it against the ground and she seemed to track it by sound better.

I've been trying to figure out if she really can't see or if she was zoning out, and I'm 90% sure she can still see, but also about 80% sure her peripheral vision isn't great anymore? It would explain some incidents where she didn't seem to notice other cats when they approached her and then freaked out when she finally did notice them. It's come to the point where if another cat enters the room, we purposefully draw Mitzi's attention to it because it's worse if she's taken by surprise. She's been spending a lot of time with her back to walls. Staring into space, losing track of toys she was playing with moments ago, losing a lot of weight! Very suddenly! I've switched her to some senior cat-specific food and she seems to love that. She doesn't sleep coiled up anymore, and I'm worried that's related to why she won't let people touch her body anymore. She's also been moving more hesitantly. She's always been a slow and cautious cat, now she's just... doddering.

I'm also pissed because when I took her to the vet two years ago, I wanted to have bloodwork done, but she was so insanely angry and already drew blood from both me and the vet instead, and we just sort of decided not to go through with it because of how uncooperative she was being. And that seemed like a fine decision at the time because she was still healthy as ever back then, but now I'm pissed I didn't let her maul me as long as we could get her tested and see if she was actually fine.

We've had cats before Mitzi and since, but Mitzi is the oldest cat anyone in my immediate family has raised so far (for a variety of reasons). And she's my cat. I've had her since she was so small she fit in my palm and had to be fed with a syringe. I was thinking she'd be around for a very long time, and 13 seems like way too young to be undergoing this kind of decline.

[thedreadvampy]

I had a nice relaxing week at my mum's and then as the week's gone on I've been repeatedly feeling really ill and really dizzy and really uhhhh snippy? like I will suddenly get to the place where I want everyone to shut the fuck up and stop talking to me even though the whole REASON I go to mum's is to have like 18 hours a day of deep chat.

and I got out of the car this afternoon to go to the train station and I felt SO sick and my chest hurt and I was dizzy to the point of lurching and I was like OH. RIGHT. OK. I'M SO FUCKING STRESSED AND OVERWHELMED BUT I DIDN'T NOTICE BECAUSE I DON'T ACTUALLY FEEL CONSCIOUSLY ANXIOUS.

I am Very Good at subsuming these things.

so mum kind of nudged me towards thinking about how long it's been since I wasn't kind of in turmoil and I'm like ok so stuff's happened this past week and that was on the tail end of the buying a house thing. which overlapped with the moving jobs thing and was preceded by both the quitting the old job thing and the whole housemate moving out suddenly thing. which happened just as I was recovering from breaking up with Jay in August-October 2023. and both the relationship stuff and the house stuff were kind of precipitated at least in part by the fact that I had been in full burnout from work since November 2022 when my boss announced she was going on mat leave. but by then I was already burnt out from Big Project overwork Aug-Oct 22, and right before that there was a big campaign, so the last time I was actually not in rush mode was probably like July 2022? oh which is when I had COVID the first time. cool.

so like I haven't been in CRISIS crisis. like this is stable compared to the bulk of my life because I have had disposable income stable work decent housing and no new Trauma Times. so this has all registered as Still Pretty Ok. but also I have been running on empty for one reason or another for the better part of two years now which has played merry hell with my health and relationships and I think it's all come in to land very suddenly this week cause I have kind of put a lot of stuff down and closed a lot of open threads the last month or two.

and I think the closer I got to going home the more that anxiety was sneaking back in so by lunchtime I was so on edge and by 5pm I was about ready to vomit my pancreas through my nose. but it isn't really specific or even really ANXIETY it's kind of. aftershocks. so it hasn't been registering emotionally as stress, consciously I have been feeling...not like fine cause I've had a very emotionally difficult week last week. but Surprisingly Stable And Sensible. but I begin to suspect that this is not an entirely accurate accounting of my emotional state because I spent the whole ride home with my head down and my music up to full blast in my headphones because every noise made in a 100 mile radius made me want to tense up so hard my spine shatters. feels distinctly Unchill.

[angria]

Haven't done this in a while...mainly just keep forgetting because I've been so busy.

Things are still going really well with A. It's hard to believe we've only been going out for 3 months. It feels like so much longer since we spend at least two days a week together. I'm still pretty anxious at first when we get together because we are still in that weird in-between stage of not really knowing where we stand. Plus I'm over-thinking the physical stuff and whether there is a spark. When I'm trying to reason with myself that there are so many reasons why I'm not feeling that passionate spark, including meds, depression, and questioning whether I'm on the ace spectrum (I don't mind a quick kiss, but not really interested in anything further. Honestly, cuddling, hugging, and holding hands is more romantic/intimate than anything physical).

Mood has been fairly stable? I think being busy and distracted is helping, not stewing in my thoughts. Although some sabotage urges have been coming up, especially around SH.

Past the halfway mark of my stats class!! It's almost over and never have to take a stats class again!! Next up is Group Therapy (and role-playing 😭) and Communities & Organizations.

Still no word about the placement at the Episcopal church...I did get an email from the social worker there, so the process is started, but no official word. Trying to remain hopeful (which is the positive aspect).

Cobalt blue nail polish as the color of the week

A invited me to a party this weekend, which should be fun overall. She has more of an awareness of my social anxiety and gave me a heads up that it will be a large party. I'm hoping that will also mean she will be more attuned to my anxiety while there (I only know the host of the party and already stressed about annoying A because I doubt I'll leave her side).

[midnakoopa]

Vent Post About Anxiety

Past couple weeks have been pretty rough. Thought I'd post about it here. More for me to put my thoughts in order than anything, but if you wanna read it, go ahead. Long post, venting about trauma ahead.

So, near the end of February, I'd noticed I was tired a lot more, and sleeping a lot more. I'd thought maybe it was the weather shifting, maybe it was a bit of the seasonal depression. Who knows at this point?

But then I was getting a bit of a pain in my stomach. Sides? Abdomen? That general area. That with the usual stresses made me think of something I've dealt with before, and know how to treat. I'll skip the details on that; not so relevant. Anyway, I went to treating that how I usually do.

And maybe it would've worked out fine. Who knows? But I guess it hurt just enough for just long enough to kick my anxiety awake. And my anxiety just got worse over the next week or so. And of course, anxiety gets bad enough, it starts making existing symptoms worse due to stress and whatnot. And then the physical symptoms getting worse makes the anxiety worse. It just feeds on itself.

Now, I'm on meds for anxiety disorder. And one thing I've noticed more and more recently, is that they seem to work fine for that, for keeping me from being anxious all the time. But when things get super stressful, they don't do enough to stop an anxiety attack.

So, a little over a week ago, it got bad enough that I scheduled an appointment to talk to my doctor, about maybe adjusting my current meds, but also getting an emergency med for anxiety attacks, which wow I've been on anxiety meds for as long as I can remember how did I never have a rescue medication?

I don't know what it was about this time in particular, but this is the worst my anxiety's been in ages, maybe even the worst I can currently remember. In just the week before I saw my doctor, broke down crying four times. Two of those times were in one night (the night just before the appointment). It's good that I saw the doctor, but turns out an appointment to keep when your anxiety's making your sleep schedule a mess becomes yet another stressor.

Anyway. I saw the doctor. I got my meds adjusted, got an emergency med, and it's only been a couple days but my anxiety hasn't spiked up again yet. Fingers crossed there. Not 100% yet. I dunno if I'm 60% yet. But I'm better than a few days ago, I think.

On a slightly different tangent. Another main reason I'm typing this is to record how I felt while it's fresh in my mind.

The words that keep coming back to mind are "cold shock". It's like a cold shock that starts in the head and attacks a few different places. I say "shock", but it doesn't quite feel electric, so much as like it's sapping... something. It's gonna sound dramatic, but, it really feels like an attack on the mind, on the soul even.

Just this awful feeling that something is taking something from you. Something that you need to survive. And it takes whatever that something is until all that's left is "I just can't".

As for the more describable symptoms... Heartburn, of course. Or acid reflux, I forget the differences. A queasy or discomforting feeling in the stomach. A couple times, I felt like my legs were getting weak and shaking. That also could've been from not eating enough due to the other symptoms.

But it's that cold shock, that attack on the mind, that's the worst of it. That two-pronged attack of this overwhelming feeling of dread, and the sense that nothing you can do will help that feeling, so why do anything?

That feeling that you. Just. Can't.

To sum up, I'm feeling slightly better at the moment, and hopefully the worst of it's over. But, fuck, man. I'm just so exhausted from this, physically and mentally.

[unrepentantweirdo]

The 'I'm Still Alive' Update

Okay, now that that is out of my system.

This week (two weeks?) update is going to have some personal stuff thrown in, so I'm going to put the personal stuff in one group, and the works update in another. Personal stuff will touch on mental illness, so consider this your warning. It will begin immediately below the line break.

Personal stuff:

Alright, I've talked a tiny bit about the fact I deal with mental illness, but I've never gone into too much detail. To make a long story short, I deal with five mental illnesses. All of them have been confirmed/diagnosed, I am under the care of a doctor and therapist. GAD, OCD, MDD, PTSD, and to top off the sundae is ADHD. I call them the cavalcade of clusterfucks. (humor is how I deal)

On a good day, I'm able to go to the library or grocery store and barely feel a blip on the anxiety radar. But on a bad day, I don't really leave my bedroom. For the past couple of weeks, I've been having a couple more bad days than normal due to stressful situations that just. Kept. Coming. I had no motivation to work on my art or writing, and if I did, my brain wouldn't focus enough to draw or type. Some good did come out of the stress though, I have a working vehicle again. I have my truck back, Big Red. She needs work, but she runs. (Yes, I name my vehicles.)

Thankfully, things are winding down and resembling normalcy again. Just need to catch up on sleep, and I'll be close to feeling human again. I just wanted you all to know that if I ever stop posting for longer than a week, it's probably the cavalcade acting up in one form or another. But just know that I will always be back, no matter what. So don't worry too much, okay?

Fanfiction stuff:

Now, for the fun stuff. I honestly wasn't surprised that our beloved rat man won the poll, most of my followers are as feral for MacCready as I am lol. I'm working on compiling all of my notes on him into one document and condensing it down, because there is a LOT.

I still plan to post Cassie/Andi's natal chart, probably in the next couple of days. Maybe even today, depending on how the dentist's appointment goes. (the sensations make me anxious) Next will be MacCready's character summary and natal chart, then Deacon's.

This update's poll question is for when I do post about our wonderful spy Deacon. When I give his character summary, do you want me to tell you what I chose for his real name?

As always, thank you guys for interacting with me and liking my crazy posts, and for the love you've shown me. Love y'all.

[rosebury-archives]

CalmWriMo 2023 Wrap Up!

It is done! It has been done for like four days! IT IS DONE!

I have taken part in @winterandwords' CalmWriMo, here's my goals and how I did!

At the start of November, I sat on 81450 Words for my project To Put On An Act. My current word count is 111793 Words!!!!! WHAAAAT!!!!!! It's safe to say that I reached my writing goal! But what else did I do?

Get to Chapter 16 OR write 30k words - safe to say that I reached both of these goals! I'm currently working on Chapter 18, and I've written 30343 words. Yippie!

Plan later chapters post breakup - eh. I collected some ideas and have a rough plan but there's still some proper outlining missing. I do have a little bit of a better picture now though!

Post progess more frequently - This worked semi well? I would've loved to post more logs to be honest but. Oh well. I did post a couple logs though, and I want to try to make this a habit, maybe to at least yell on here once a week (if I do happen to write that week of course).

Make some Moodboards - I did that! I've not posted them here yet but I did make some little moodboards for a bunch of the characters :)

Make an intro post for this account - did that as well! Yippiee!

Plan for another mysterious project - heheheheheheeheheheh >;)

Now the other, just as important part of CalmWriMo, the Calm. I was not as calm as I should've been. Let's see. What's the goals.

Get more sleep - ahahah. uuh. ahhahehheah. hm. well. let's move on.

Be less anxious/worried about What The World Thinks Of Me - hm. Well. Well? I mean I guess. I think it's fine. I still think every single person in the world is better than me but it's okayyyy I'm alive what more do I want.

KILLING THE CRINGE - happy to report that the cringe dies again every day

Read More - OOOOHHHH LOOK SOMETHING I DID!!! Listened to my audiobook in the beginning of November, however, I did not finish it. Oh well! Instead I did some reading of fellow writers on Wattpad. Some of these really are the most written stories of all time, but there are some real gems hidden in there that I can learn from. Also great for networking [wink]

Less Stress about posting - no stress at all I Am So Calm. I actually caught up to my posting schedule! I took it slow and posted every two weeks to give myself some time, and now I can go back to my regular weekly schedule! I think it's fine. i think I'm fine. I can post when I want and do what I want.

ALL IN ALL! THIS WAS GREAT!!! THIS WAS GENUINELY SO GREAT!!!! I'm really proud of myself and what I did this past month, I got a lot done, I feel motivated, I feel excited! I can't believe I've already hit over 100k words, and at this point I have no idea when this will end, but I'm just really excited to see what the future will hold for TPOAA.

Having a goal for the month really did help me to get a gentle kick in the ass and to sit down and write. I was writing an average of 2k words a day and I hope to kind of keep that even if I don't have a goal set for the month.

If it wasn't for my incredibly draining job, I probably would've been able to hit an even higher word goal, but I genuinely think this was the best I could do and I'm so genuinely proud of myself. Maybe next year I'll aim even higher? Who knows!

Great job to everyone else who took part in CalmWriMo/NaNoWriMo, no matter if you hit your goal, you did great and I'm so proud of you and I kiss you btw. Also thank you winter tumblr dot com for coming up with this idea and making my first steps into the world of November writing challenges a little easier!

remember that Alex and Youngbin love u all <3