#but more importantly - kill yourself gayle!

[assorted-aesthetics]

there are truly evil people in this world and some of them are named gayle

[belaborthepoint]

South Carolina Debate Transcript

GAYLE: Let's begin. Senator Sanders, we currently have a low unemployment rate. This means practically nothing since many people are working multiple part-time jobs with wages that barely keep them above the poverty line. But regardless, why would socialism ever be better than what Trump is doing for the economy?

BERNIE: Trump hasn't improved the economy for anyone other than rich people. We still have 87 million Americans who are underinsured or have no health insurance and 500,000 people tonight sleeping on the streets.

NORAH: Mayor Bloomberg, I'll let you defend capitalism.

BLOOMBERG: Trump should not be president. Russia is helping Bernie Sanders so that Trump will win. Russia gave Bernie Sanders a million donations of $27 to help him.

PEOPLE PAID TO BE THERE BY BLOOMBERG: (APPLAUSE)

GAYLE: Why would Russians want Bernie to be president?

BUTTIGIEG: If Bernie wins this nomincation, what you'll have is two people with very strong opinions, and they might raise their voices at each other when they disagree. Now imagine someone who's more relaxed, less agitated, more milquetoast. The kind of person who prefers honeydew melon to cantaloupe and doesn't like spicy foods. Right now, this is not about what we want for our country. It's not about health insurance, or wages. It's about just chillaxing, bro! Haha you know?

STEYER: Bernie is right. The problem is that he's wrong. What working families need is for basic needs to be commodified and privatized so that market has competition and capitalism can thrive. Donald Trump STINKS!

BIDEN: I'm not saying Bernie is responsible for mass shootings, but Bernie is responsible for mass shootings and he loves guns. In case anyone forgot, I was vice president under THE Barack Obama. And Bernie, he, let's talk about progressive. This was something that he wasn't. He, Bernie, he didn't -- progressive is getting, is doing things. And Bernie doesn't get things. Do. He doesn't do them.

BERNIE: Pete is funded by billionaires.

BUTTIGIEG: I will not allow this! I will no longer let this stand! I must let it be known that I also have donations from people who are not billionaires in addition to all of the donations that I do receive from billionaires. By the way, everyone please give me more money right now. As much as you are legally able to, give it to me now.

GAYLE: All right, all right. So, Vice President Biden, why don't black people like you?

BIDEN: Oh, you're actually wrong. They do. And if they don't, they should, because I deserve it. I worked like the devil's hotcakes. You shoot that spittin' pinjata wrestler like a hot diggity blubber nugget, and I mean that! I have come here and I plan to earn the vote and I plan to win it. I will win. You will vote for me or by dang, I'll splitterty splat the whole jib jab plipper plopper. You can count on that, folks.

(APPLAUSE)

GAYLE: Mayor Bloomberg. When you apologize for stop and frisk, it's sort of like you're not actually taking responsibility and you're trying to exonerate yourself for every terrible thing you've done? Can you admit that you, personally, carried out stop and frisk and it's your fault and your own actions are to blame?

BLOOMBERG: OH my GOD, ENOUGH with stop and frisk already!! You people are OBSESSED!! Give it a REST. Stop and frisk got out of control. I apologized, I talked to real live black people and I have nothing else to say about it. I don't have to justify myself.

GAYLE: Weellllll you actually kinda do though.

BLOOMBERG: I bet I can name more than one hundred black people. Ben Carson. Um. Give me a second.

GAYLE: Mayor Buttigieg, is racial profiling racist?

BUTTIGIEG: Yes. Also, sorry that we're all white, that's kinda awkward. I mean, you know, I'm not black, obviously. I'm white. What else would I be? I'm a white man. I'm not a black woman. I'm not. I'm just, I mean, I'm a man. I'm--

GAYLE: Thank you, Mayor Buttigieg.

BUTTIGIEG: I'm a man and I'm white. I'm not even a little bit--

GAYLE: Thank you. Thank you, Mayor Buttigieg.

BUTTIGIEG: I mean, look how white I am! Have you ever even-- I'm so white! I am a white. Man. I shouldn't even really be talking, cause I mean, you know, what do I know? I'm white! I shouldn't even really be talking about racial justice.

NORAH: Yup! Yes. Correct. Okay, moving on--

BUTTIGIEG: I am white.

BLOOMBERG: It's just a fact that racism exists, and we can't deny it. I just think we should all be acknowledging racism more.

BIDEN: I wrote that bill!

KLOBUCHAR: I am also white and I would also like to take a moment to speak about race. Martin Luther King Jr. once said, we're all united like three kids in a trench coat. We're all wearing one large garment. We are all three children standing on top of each other in a trench coat and pretending to be one adult, but really, we're children. I think we should provide childcare for everyone, and you know, I think everyone should be able to vote.

(APPLAUSE)

GAYLE: Senator Warren, why do you think Bloomberg is the worst candidate for the democratic nomination?

WARREN: Because he's literally a right wing republican who bought his way into this election and nobody trusts him?

GAYLE: True.

BLOOMBERG: In case you forgot, I was there for 9/11. I was inside of the twin buildings. I jumped out of the window of the 18th story through the burning flames and I died in the air from being on fire, but then, like a phoenix born anew out of the ashes of the old, I was reincarnated, and I became a democrat, because I love this country, and I love New York. Have you ever seen the movie Manhattan? It's my favorite Woody Allen movie, the one where he's 60 and dates a 17-year-old but it's okay because it's like quirky New York City people? Sometimes I watch that movie and I'm just like, wow, age knows no bounds. It's actually beautiful. I just love this city. This city is big. It's like a country. It's like a planet. I could probably be the dictator of a whole entire planet if I wanted to. Remember 9/11? Support our troops.

WARREN: Remember when you told a woman to kill her baby?

BIDEN: I wrote that bill!

BLOOMBERG: I did not say that.

WARREN: So why won't you let any of these women speak about their experiences?

PEOPLE PAID BY BLOOMBERG TO BE THERE: BOOOOOOOO!! Not all men!!!!  

BLOOMBERG: Look, I don't know what more you want from me. Three women in the history of my whole life didn't think I was funny and then they tried to sue me. I'm sorry that they have a bad sense of humor and are too sensitive. A lot of women get confused and have bad hearing because of their periods, and I'm sorry if they made up things inside of their little brains and got themselves all worked up over nothing, but there's really nothing I can do about that. There's no point in continuing to bring up that I've harassed over a hundred women because it hurts my campaign and will make it less likely that I'll be president, so let's please just get over it.

PEOPLE PAID BY BLOOMBERG TO BE THERE: (APPLAUSE)

NORAH: Moving on! Senator Sanders, can you explain the math for the spending plans of every single one of your proposals in a minute and a half?

BERNIE: Um, no. It's kind of nuanced and would take longer than that.

BIDEN: THAT'S the problem. We need soundbites. Not lengthy plans that you can read about in your own time. You can't expect people to READ.

STEYER: I have an opinion.

BERNIE: Every study shows that medicare for all will save money. It'll cost $45 billion.

STEYER: Excuse me? Hello? I just want to take a moment. I just want to say that what we have on our hands here is the choice between a racist misogynist and a man who wants to make healthcare available for everyone, and to me, neither of those options look good, and this is very scary.

NORAH: Cool, thanks...so back to the actual conversation. Biden?

BIDEN: It's about time. Okay, Tom Steyer, remember when you bought a private prison system that wasn't providing healthcare for the people being held there?

STEYER: But then I sold it afterwards!!

BIDEN: Back in my neck of the woods, my hometown neighborhood baseball team would call that "Holly Golightly." You're just a beautiful, chain-smoking vixen with a cat named "Cat," that's what you are, you little tease! You old fox!

STEYER: Guilty as charged, mister. Say, you wanna get outta this joint and mosey on over to someplace a little more...intimate?

BIDEN: Holly Golightly!!!

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GAYLE: Mayor Bloomberg, you're super fatphobic and are one of those people who use the phrase 'obesity epidemic.' Would you carry out fatphobic policies on a national level and continue policing everyone's eating habits and blaming health problems on fatness even though there's actually no direct correlation between weight and health and these ideas are just widely promoted by diet culture and the weight loss industry?

BLOOMBERG: Yeah, I'm still extremely fatphobic.

NORAH: Bernie wants to legalize weed. Discuss.

BLOOMBERG: It should not be criminal. Unless you're a dealer because then you are a bad and evil person. More importantly, we don't really know what marijuana is doing to our brains. Has anyone even researched this before? I don't even know what it is. Is it a plant? Does it grow on a tree? Who even knows! We need to get to the bottom of this. Research suggests that it is unladylike to smoke weed, and only boys do it. Boys are entering comatose states and waking up twenty years later after being cryogenically frozen, because of what marijuana is doing to their brains. It enters the brain cells, it rewires the neurotransmitters and emits electromagnetic currents that destroy your entire nervous system. Marijuana is killing our boys. We need to find out why.

BERNIE: Our criminal justice system is super racist and equates marijuana with heroine.

BIDEN: I wrote that bill!

BERNIE:  We're going to expunge people's records and help POC communities start businesses to sell legal marijuana so it's not just white elitist hipsters controlling the market.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

NORAH: Senator Warren, why should we pull out our combat troops? How can we keep people safe?

WARREN: We're not keeping people safe or doing anything productive at all by keeping troops in Afghanistan.

GAYLE: Mayor Buttigieg, what would you like to contribute, as a veteran?

BUTTIGIEG: When I came out of the womb, I was in full combat gear. And just as sure as the hair on my chinny chin chin, I had a weird birth mark on my shoulder that was the exact image of the American flag. America used to stand for something. That's the America that I know and love.

BRENNAN: Senator Sanders, you've praised communism's ability to lift people out of poverty and acknowledged that socialist governments have done good things. Does this mean that you love authoritarianism?

BERNIE: Obviously not. I don't condone authoritarianism, I just think that Cuba did some things successfully.

BIDEN: So you think authoritariansim is good.

BERNIE: Do you know how logic works? No, I don't. I can say that the Cuban government has done certain things well and still condemn authoritarianism.

BUTTIGIEG: What is HAPPENING here?!? Is this the Cold War?!? What century are we living in that you can talk about the Cuban government with any kind of nuance?!? Who DOES that???! THIS IS INSANITY. What does Bernie think this is, the 1960s?? Are we gonna start dancing to rock and roll and being gay??? Wake up!!!!

BERNIE: Pete, do you really think universal healthcare is that radical? Or raising the minimum wage? Or providing affordable housing? Or raising taxes on billionaires? Or criminal justice reform? Or immigration reform?

BUTTIGIEG: Yes. I just can't admit how moderate I actually am.

GARRETT: Senator Sanders, you claim to be Jewish, but you don't hate Palestine...what's the deal with that?

BERNIE: You know it is possible to be Jewish without being a Zionist, right? It's hard to ignore the harm that's been done to Palestinians.

GAYLE: Alright, final question. What's the biggest misconception about you, and what's your motto?

STEYER: The biggest conception is that I'm rich just because I'm rich. My motto is that I like to pour glue on my hands and then slowly peel it off because I know that I can always dig deeper and get to know myself on more levels.

KLOBUCHAR: Biggest misconception is that I'm not a party girl, because give me a few mimosas at brunch and I'll be dancing on the table! My motto is that I want to help people even though I'm a politician.

BIDEN: Biggest misconception is that I want a black woman on the Supreme Court. Wait no. That's my motto. Wait what? Okay, misconception is that I'm bald, while I actually have a gorgeous full head of long, flowing locks. Motto is "I get knocked down, but I get up again, you are never gonna keep me down."

BERNIE: Misconception is that giving people human rights is radical. The motto is the song "It's Possible" from the Rogers and Hammerstein version of Cinderella.

WARREN: One misconception is that I'm not always eating, cause I am always eating. I love snacks. Especially those big jars of peanut butter-filled pretzels. And my motto is, if someone asks you for a peanut butter-filled pretzel, just give it to them, okay? You can spare one peanut butter-filled pretzel.

BUTTIGIEG: Misconception is that I'm too milquetoast, when actually, I am a moderate amount of milquetoast. You want someone who's even keeled and doesn't have emotions all the time. My motto is that I'm like a priest, but like the young hot priest in the show Fleabag. Not like as a character, but just cause I'm young and hot and also religious.

BLOOMBERG: Misconception, that I'm tall. When actually I just take up space because of my male privilege and not my physical height. And the quote is actually a little ditty that I came up with myself that goes "I want to be president really bad please elect me now I have put a lot of money into this campaign and I want to win please vote for me so I can be president."

PEOPLE THAT BLOOMBERG PAID TO BE THERE: (APPLAUSE)

NORAH: Okay, cool...um. Yeah. Super Tuesday's coming right up. I sure up that everyone doesn't drop out and endorse Biden because the DNC desperately wants to defeat Bernie. But I guess we'll find out! Bye!