#but me when i trigger the besties religious trauma

[gaoau]

if not reason, then the devil

to have a conversation with god, the greatest sinner walking this earth. talk to him, for He will listen.

pairing — fyodor dostoevsky x reader word count — 3.6k

( 1 corinthians 13:4-8 )

[name] sighs as they balance their cup of coffee on its saucer. scanning their eyes over the occupied seats, they find luck is not on their side this afternoon. there's a nice couple being attended to and another one chatting gleefully. business partners engaging in conversation, a foreigner by himself, and two friends chortling away. the tables inside are, unfortunately, just as busy. [name] fiddles with the strap of their bag in thought. it takes another defeated sigh, but they decide to simply head back to the counter and have their drink to go.

just as they turn to walk back into the shop, a voice calls out to them, "i've got an open seat here," is all it says. [name] throws a glance over their shoulder. it's the foreigner. he's looking them right in the eye, a friendly simper on his lips. "if you'd like to join me," fyodor prompts, gesturing to the empty chair with his palm.

from the ushanka, [name]'s first guess is that he's russian—or at least some kind of slav. not that it matters. when it comes down to it, he seems to be horribly anemic and probably wouldn't pose much of a threat. they contemplate their options for another brief moment. with a shrug, they choose to take his kind offer.

"thanks." they smile at him, setting down their cup across from his. "sorry to bother."

he closes his eyes when he chuckles, "ah, you japanese people, always so apologetic." the comment pricks [name] in the back of their head. it's not necessarily offensive, but it does feel like payback for their own stereotyping thoughts. fyodor notices their fleeting frown. funny foreigner. "feel free to get on with your homework. i won't disturb you." he takes a sip from his cup of tea to emphasize his words.

[name] says, "thank you," and starts pulling out their laptop from their bag. loose papers and a few pens so they can finish their work with a deadline around the corner. they waste no time in swiftly typing away on their keyboard, checking over their notes to build their essay.

it's two paragraphs later that they flicker their attention up to the friendly foreigner who offered up his solitude. what a lucky guess this nameless man made to know this was homework.

their fingers continue typing on instinct as they carefully analyze fyodor. he's got one earphone in, eyes closed, taking an occasional sip from his drink. he politely grins at the waitress when she comes over to refill his tea. but he's very quiet and distant. [name] can tell—people-watching, one of their many habits. aloof, smart, making sure to reserve his energy. it's interesting to find with one glance that he bites his nails until he bleeds. for how collected he appears to be, it's certainly an interesting quirk.

when he feels [name]'s attention return to their screen, fyodor opens his eyes to assess them in turn. conversational, focused, and they act surprised every time they remember they have a cup of coffee to sip from. they use quite the messy handwriting to scribble down abbreviations and unfinished words. from the few characters he can properly read, they appear to be interested in criminology. how arrogant for a human to attempt to study the same brain that taints them with sin.

how innocent.

fyodor allows four minutes and thirty-seven seconds of silence to pass by between his new subject and him. the song on the radio changes while the waitress leaves after refilling his cup. he takes a sip from his tea and then stares at his reflection. "ah, danse of the knights…" on the code sheet inside his brain, the cannibalism plan is going accordingly. he hums to himself, pleased with this foreseen course of events.

just as he thought, [name] reacts to the unprompted sound of his voice. they halt their typing and turn their head up to look at him curiously. fyodor makes sure to hold eye contact. inviting, he raises his brows, carefully wrapping the strings of their brain tightly around his fingers. it takes them a second to bite. there's a faint crease on their forehead, hesitant to engage in conversation past their ingrained politeness. but he expects more from them than this.

when they reach for their pen and relax their shoulders, fyodor knows he's got them right where he wants them. "it's not every day you see foreigners around here," they start, a smile painting their face, "everyone usually sticks to tokyo." a light-hearted chuckle tumbles from their tongue. quicker than anticipated.

"well, i have business here." he sets his cup back on its saucer. the clink of ceramic against ceramic marks the start of a timer. "i knew japan wasn't welcoming of foreigners, but i didn't think you'd try to kick me out like that."

[name] laughs, "oh, it's not the foreigner part." they smile softly as they glance down at his hands. with their pen, they make a vague gesture towards his fingers. "i usually steer clear of nail-biters."

fyodor blinks, brows rising. he takes a look at his own hands. it's true that his nails don't have a very healthy appearance. they seem brittle and they are, but he admits this is a strange observation on their part. it's perfect.

"you don't look like you get overwhelmed easily, so i'm guessing you do it out of understimulation." it's a smart guess. fyodor leans back on his chair to get comfortable. fidgeting with their pen helps them lay out their thoughts properly. "those are usually the worst type of nail-biters," they finish their assessment with a polite grin.

"that's quite accurate. are you pursuing psychology?"

"minoring. i'm studying criminology."

he knew that. he managed to gather that much from the unreadable scribbles on their notes. this interest in criminals they seem to have makes fyodor want to laugh out loud. they're studying criminology and they're having the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to converse with a terrorist—albeit unbeknownst to them. he has high hopes that [name] will provide exactly what he wants. with the strings looped around his fingers, he tugs.

"interesting…" he lets silence hang for a second. then, "what can you say about me? apart from the understimulated nail-biting, of course."

surprise washes over [name]'s face instantly. "are you a criminal?" they're skeptical.

"let's say i am."

"hypothetically." they're naïve. they stare into his eyes. fyodor simply offers them a simper. [name] nods to themself. "alright, hypothetically. let's say you've murdered someone. how have you done it?"

"i haven't"

their eyes narrow. "i get it." they're naïve, but they're not stupid. "you'd make somebody else do it for you. are you confident in your manipulation skills?"

"very."

"okay…" their voice drifts in thought as they process the information. profiling requires observation, from the smallest of mannerisms to the strongest inflections. "makes me wonder why you wanted me to sit here," they mumble under their breath.

but fyodor hears them clearly. "entertainment, of course."

"then i'll try to live up to your expectations," they chuckle, leaving their pen among their papers. "i'll take a guess and say the ends justify the means for you." [name] stares into his eyes with careful attention. he nods. the victorious grin that spreads over their lips is instinctual. "yeah, checks out. i chalked up the fact that you called out to me when no else did to you being a foreigner, but you knew i'd entertain you. you're not only confident, but also smart, observant, and awfully calculative."

fyodor tilts his head only slightly, harmless. he wears a gentle smile. "why, thank you."

"now your turn." they've found something better than a pen to fidget with. "i'm helping you kill time here." they've found an interesting profile in the wild to pick at. "are you waiting for something?"

"that's right. some comrades are working on the next step of our plan."

"plan? what's that?"

"we'll get there," he dismisses. for someone who doesn't quite share his intellect, [name] is surprisingly elusive. there's not much fyodor can read in hunches. they hum in response. the strings around his fingers loosen the closer they get. he sits up straight again. "let me ask you something else. as someone who's analyzed many different criminals' brains, i'd assume, what's your view on them?" fyodor tugs.

[name] follows without question. "they're… interesting. they usually come from abusive backgrounds; both psychological and physiological trauma play an incredibly huge part on what they do and how they react."

"terrible, isn't it?"

a shrug makes their shoulders jump. "sure. i think what they do is even more terrible. i understand the brain works differently for everyone, and their trauma is very much real, but i don't have any sympathy for horrible people."

"oh. how forward of you. a little mean, too."

"well, suffering isn't really an excuse."

"i agree, i agree," fyodor hums, nodding. he plays with [name]'s strings, looping their attention around his finger to bring them closer. his lips curl up into a grin. "then, what do you think of wiping them out?"

[name] blinks, brows raised, a mask of perplexity. "wipe?" fyodor stares into their eyes as they ponder. he considers this is the moment they fold and retreat, unable to handle his eccentric nature. but they reach into his brain and grip his mind tight. "yeah, we should get rid of them."

how beautiful it is, he thinks, to find a sinner with pure thoughts. someone who proudly wears bloodstains on their hand for the sake of a cleaner, perfect world. how wonderful, He thinks, to hear of a sinful saint walking among a sea of blasphemous eyes and experts in greed. they're a lack of natural chaos in a world of brute beasts, and like beasts he will make sure they perish. [name] shall be saved, he decides. He'll give them a different body; He'll rebuild their heart from the start.

carefully, he reels them closer. "then, i'll tell you about our plan."

"oh, enlighten me."

"this world, you agree, is rife with crime and sin."

[name] pauses briefly. then they nod. "not completely, but yes." they don't hesitate.

they do not hesitate. a faint frown pulls down on his brows. he worries they're too lost, led astray by false teachers. "it should be cleaned, right?" he knows they will nod in response. so [name] nods. fyodor leans back on his chair. "that is our plan. i'm going to end this wicked, sinful world. and i'm going to make it into what god meant it to be. a perfect world."

"god?"

"yes," he chuckles, "humans are far too foolish to even repent. the only way to save you now that you're this far gone is to return to him."

"you make it sound like repentance is necessary. not everyone is a sinner."

"of course they are. breathing, thinking, all of it is a sin."

"fine, but not every sinner seeks repentance."

"that's because you're lost." he offers [name] a grin, head tilting slightly and eyes closed. when he meets their gaze again, they're intently listening to his every word. they're tangled in their own brain. "not to worry, i'll make sure to hold your hand and lead you to salvation."

"what if we don't want salvation, though?" accursed words that they sigh; the same ones that rule with chaos and seduce the unstable. the broken cries that turn the world so blue.

"what could you possibly mean?"

"that as foolish and sinful as people are, it's that innate anarchy that makes humanity charming."

fyodor knows perpendicular lines meet only once at a single, lonely intersection. he knows they've met and they're only drifting farther apart. "ah, that's nothing but your mistaken belief." but He also knows lines can be bent.

[name] blinks, taken aback. "not that beliefs can be mistaken. they're beliefs, they're subjective."

a chuckle drifts from fyodor's tongue. he grins to himself as he takes another sip from his tea. "of course you'd think that." his voice is airy, weightless, a shepherd herding his stubborn cattle. the chime of his cup against the saucer rings like a warning bell. "and it's just like that, with those thoughts, that you fail to realize how your own beliefs and values blind you. can't you feel how it all leaves you hungry and lost and empty inside?"

"no."

fyodor's smile vanishes, fluttering like a feather and drifting in the wind. he glares through narrowed eyes at [name]'s mistaken beliefs.

"no, i can't." they glare back, not with defiance, but with pure-hearted ignorance. they're lost. "humans are funny; i think we're fascinating creatures. i mean, there are exceptions, y'know, some should simply just go, we'd be better off without them. but in being lost—as you call it—humans find themselves. for better or for worse."

"well, this is the age of idolized suicide. humans would rather cling to these empty feelings than accept help. that's the only way they believe they'll make it."

"and you think leaving people's lives up to thoughts and prayers will accomplish anything?"

"tell me, do you believe in god at all?"

"i believe in religion."

He sighs, "see, humans are so foolish, they want to believe in what they know won't make them feel helpless and powerless, even if they're aware that belief is mistaken."

"and what makes your belief true? why aren't you one of these sinful humans?"

the smile that creeps onto his lips promises joy to every soul that has been led astray. "i'm the savior that will free us from the chaos," He speaks with entrancing grandiloquence and charming confidence. with grace, he tugs at every string from [name]'s brain.

"but human nature is chaotic; why would you wipe it all?" they pull back. 

fyodor hums in thought. he searches for a different approach, an idea that will snap their eyes open and shatter them so he can rearrange the pieces correctly. "have you heard about this phenomenon in which some people are born with special abilities?" he returns their question with one of his own.

"i've heard a few things here and there, but i've never met anyone with one. though, with the strange things that have happened in this city, i can believe it."

"well, i'll let you in on a secret." he leans closer towards [name], lowering his voice. effectively, they mimic him without question. they stare at him, ears pricked, and fyodor grins to himself. at their core, they're quite simple. "i'm an ability user."

they frown to themself for a second. they find it hard to believe a feeble, anemic man like this could possibly have any sort of power. funny foreigner. "really, now?" funny foreigner. he really does look like he'd topple over like a house of cards if they touch him. but they stay close to listen to anything He has to say. "and can you disclose what it is or is that, you know, confidential?"

"you don't believe until you see?"

"i guess you can say that. words are just words."

"well, it's nothing impressive, really. i can simply read minds." he shrugs, dismissive, as if it were an every day thing. then he looks [name] dead in the eye, grinning. "i am, in fact, rather anemic, since you were wondering."

their brows jump. "oh, my bad. yeah, that was rude, sorry about that." as He chuckles to himself, ready to carry on with his proselytizing, [name] hums. "you might wanna look into iron supplements for that."

it's for half a second that surprise flashes over His eyes. he blinks blankly at them before letting a chuckle tumble from his lips. [name] admits they don't know how these supernatural abilities work, but they do know how to read human reactions. from his raised brows to his amused laughter afterward, they wonder how much truth there is behind his words. he clearly did not read ahead of their comment.

with a welcoming grin, He makes sure they don't stray too far away from his hand. he pulls from the strings tight. "you can ask, i don't mind," he reassures. his intellect gives way for his lies to pass off as truths. without allowing them a word, he responds to their unspoken thoughts, "your brain lights up before you even have a thought, which is what my ability allows me to read. i simply choose when to activate it, otherwise it'd be overwhelming to hear everyone's brains lighting up."

"i see…" they nod their head, following along with His explanation. then they lean back on their chair, looking into his eyes with interest. "so what's that got to do with anything?"

"these abilities, these inequalities, they're the most chaotic and wicked sin to have ever tainted humanity."

[name] nods in understanding. "so… because there are people like you, with singularities different and therefore unequal, they are sinners?"

"correct."

"and you want to wipe this sin clean from the earth?"

"precisely, i will."

it takes a second for [name] to properly process all of His preaching. how fascinating to hear his convictions. "then… you'll wipe and remove yourself from this world too, right?" how wonderful to listen to anything He has to say, however nonsensical it may sound.

"i'll spill whoever's blood. it's all for the world as it's ought to be." but fyodor smiles.

"do you believe in god?"

"of course. if you let yourself be guided by his hand, you too can reach salvation." 

"then why are you trying to become him?"

it's their own heresy, fyodor thinks, that traps and stains them. with each of their responses, they slowly earn the awaiting flames of salvation. He will relinquish them from all their sins.

"i'm not," He answers, "i simply see all these lost lambs, desperate to try and run, going in circles straight back to the slaughter, and i can't help but pity them. you're even endearing to a point." He softly smiles with promises of freedom. "i must guide you to the right path on god's will."

a pondering frown pulls down on [name]'s brows. they stare Him right in the eye as they ask, "and is leading people to this right path really all that great?" their question hangs in the air while fyodor stares back. quietly, His smile fades. [name] waits for His answer, for anything He can come up with to convince them of His righteousness. "you'd sacrifice even yo—"

"no," He cuts them off, "i am that great."

[name] is speechless, letting each of His words seep through their skin and invade their bloodstream. everything He says is nothing but nonsense and they don't believe any of it. whether it is salvation or damnation, it does not matter, because He speaks of unreal ideals. but they become charmed by his grandiloquent speeches. He is incredibly self-important and undeniably delusional, but [name] can only find it beautiful.

time seems to freeze while the two stare at one another. fyodor grins as He gives the strings of [name]'s brain one final tug. it's the last push they need to fall completely into the right path He has carved for them. salvation awaits them. by His hand alone, He will take them from the mud of their own mistaken beliefs and build them back up correctly.

[name] opens their mouth to retort, but the waitress interrupts before they can say anything. "another cupful, sir?" she asks politely. His empty cup signals the end of their timer.

fyodor mimics her expression, answering, "no, thank you." the waitress leaves with a nod, and He turns back to the lost lamb across from Him. in His earphone, the music playing on the radio changes. bach's st. matthew passion. "now's the time," He mumbles to himself. without another word, He gets up from his seat.

[name] blinks up at Him. their brows bend in a disappointed grimace. "you're leaving already?"

"i'm afraid we'll have to end our conversation here. it was quite delightful, i must admit." He offers them one last smile. may they swallow up their sorrows, knowing soon He will bring upon them the day the earth shall die.

"oh, of course. it was… very interesting. food for thought."

as He stands, looking down at them on their chair, fyodor chuckles to himself, "i'm glad." He offers [name] His open hand, staring into their eyes with an inviting gaze and a warm simper. it takes them a second before they react and reach for the hand of judgment. "i never caught your name, by the way," He comments off-handedly, giving them a firm shake of acknowledgement.

"oh, i'm [surname] [name]."

"Fyodor Dostoevsky."

"it's a pleasure."

"the pleasure is all mine."

this is His farewell. with one last smile, [name] lets His hand disappear from their fingers. it feels cold—it feels like they just shook hands with the devil Himself. they've signed their name on His contract. fyodor nods His head as a goodbye before promptly heading for the exit. [name] watches Him; they witness his crime and His punishment as He's arrested.

they stare at their cold palm, wondering why God didn't kill them when He had the chance.

( proverbs 27:6 )

note — and you might be wondering agosu what the fuck. and idk bro the wolves were stronger so in all seriousness, i do like fyodor. im sorry bones hates him and draws him so ugly but his brain is shaped like a tesseract and i cant perceive more than three dimensions so its fascinating. i like him more than i like dazai cause misanthropy is always a plus in my book. i wanna have a chat with him over tea and hope he kills me by the time were done a few things. uhhh im not religious but i had to research bible verses for this. i used only three. look them up if youre interested. (proverbs 27:6 in the footnotes, 1 corinthians 13:4-8 in the title, and 2 peter 2 somewhere in the narration i dont remember.) also this has some influence from dazai osamus kakekomi uttae, if youre interested in that. i used crime and punishment against dazai, so why not return the favor for fyodor :tom: speaking of, the fic title is a quote from rodya in crime and punishment. its the depressed russian equivalent of "fuck it we ball" cause bro skipped out of his apartment to go commit a double homicide thumbs up emoji i think thats it. this took me more than a month cause it tried to kill me on multiple occasions. drink water have day

—あごす (agosu) • 2023

[feyhunter78]

Personal rant about an issues I’m having with my best friend under the cut, TW mentions of past sexual trauma both fictional and IRL

Thinking about how Alicent and Rhaenyra coded my best friend and I are, (minus the gay undertones) she’s headstrong, beautiful, confident, feels like she deserves what she wants no matter what and has no fear that her father won’t be there to catch her when she falls. But it makes her ignorant to the deeper plights of others and she lacks the knowledge to look further into things, and weigh her opinions and options before she speaks. She’s so strong and confident that she refuses to accept that her thoughts and opinions can be wrong, and she never does any research.

She was like “I’ve heard Andrew Tate talk some and I think he might be right” and I was like friend???? The man is a sex trafficker who has been quoted saying that women who aren’t virgins are damaged goods, and his OWN SISTER doesn’t talk to him. And she was like “oh I didn’t really look him up or anything” like motherfucker are you serious????

Then you’ve got me, quieter, more traditional, (still beautiful, but my goodness my best friend is a different level) always trying to do what’s right, do what I was supposed to do, trying to make sure everyone is okay, that my words and actions won’t harm and if they do can I take them back or make up for them?

I’m more agreeable, people see me as soft and kind, easy to talk to, but it comes with this guilt, religious, personal, social, whatever I’m always, always watching, always considering the other side because I know what it feels like to be powerless. And I do my fucking research because you have to know the rules!!!!

We’ve argued over TG or TB and she just refuses to accept that Alicent’s actions are motivated by valid reasons, that she was a child victim and was a victim until her husband finally died. She also blows past the fact that Daemon groomed and assaulted Rhaenyra because “they’re so hot” and I just???? I could not and cannot understand how she can overlook the pain and trauma these characters went through and act like it’s absolutely nothing.

Then we got in a bit of a thing because she got into booktok smut and I tried to warn her about the trigger stuff in some of the books and she’s like “oh it’s fine, yeah he like rapes her in this one part, but he basically makes it up with his words in the end” and I’m ????

Like yeah I like my dark stuff too but not a love interest who’s a rapist💀 there is no coming back from that for me????

And the fact that she just doesn’t care, doesn’t even stop to think about how her lack of care for the atrocities committed towards female characters in literally any media affects her is just so concerning to me. It’s like because nothing like that has happened to her then it’s not real??? Or it’s just like “not that big of a deal”????

Like y’all who read Pink Pastels know I went through shit, not a full assault but something similar that I left out of the fic because it was too much and I hadn’t really accepted what had happened. And the fact that what is it one in five women have been assaulted??? Statistically speaking she knows women who have been!!!!

So it makes me sick to my stomach that she’s so blasé about this stuff. To be fair to her, I never told her about it but I have now and I haven’t gotten a response yet so I’ll hold judgment until I do. (She hasn’t seen the Snapchat yet)

I just it really frustrates me because she is such a good friend outside of this stuff but she just lives such a different life from everyone else (her family is super rich) and I feel bad because I really want reality to knock some sense into her with a baseball bat. She just doesn’t understand that people actually suffer this stuff it’s not all just fun in games and ha ha giggles oh he’s so hot!!!

Like bestie I’m here, standing in front of you, asking if you fucked Daemon in a pleasure house (if you really are going to keep reading and flaunting your love of these dark, violent, terribly written books) while I’m trapped with your old ass father who’s been assaulting me and ignoring the children he forced me to have (carrying and trying to sort out the multitude of trauma from my ex) begging you to tell me that you didn’t and you still see me as your friend (that you aren’t a horrible pick me girl who doesn’t actually care about the pain and suffering women go through just because you haven’t experienced it)

[vampromantic]

Pinned. August 2024.

MINORS DO NOT INTERACT. I CHECK AGES.

nico | 21 | it/he

trans nonbinary, queer, polyam, vers, switch, posts will reflect this.

DNI: minors, any kind of bigot (terfs, swerfs, racists, zionists, transphobes, fatphobes etc.)

This is a sideblog, I won't like/reblog a lot from main. I'll consider us mutuals if we interact on a frequent enough basis, we're all besties here.

EXTRA INFO

(tags, triggers, misc.)

the rating of nsft vs nsft ish is based on my own interpretation of the post and can vary.

most kinks are untagged, but my recurring tags are:

🐾.txt : pet play (puppy edition)

🐰.txt : pet play (bunny edition)

💤.txt : somnophilia / sleepy nsft

👑.txt : regency play

💭.txt : reblogs where I add personal tags

🐺⛓️: rougher persona (often involves more violent/dubious content if you want to avoid that)

pretty boy: softer persona

misc tags not in featured tags:

fav / polyam content / t4t content / public / skirts / yearning hours / mythical nsft / autistic nsft / nsft funny / texts

photos / videos / gifset / art

(this isn’t all of them, but I wanted these listed somewhere.)

if anyone wants a trigger tag added feel free to dm or send something to my inbox.

current trigger tags:

tw consent issues / tw physical injury

tw guns / tw knives / tw drug use

tw slur use / tw religious mention

the consent issues tag does not mean the scenarios are non-consensual, only that consent may appear blurry to some people (eg posts about/implying cnc or intoxication). consent is always mandatory - if you think that isn’t the case, Fuck Off.

in terms of the slur use tag, I completely support slur reclaimation, I’m literally a faggy tranny dyke who has faggy tranny dyke sex. but I will not expose people who don’t want to see slurs to those slurs without an option to avoid them. we can have our pride and our freedom using those words while also acknowledging that people in our community have trauma related to them and don’t want to see them used in this context.

this blog used to operate using a queue set to post throughout the day, now I’ll reblog something immediately, but when the queue is used again #not queued will indicate any posts reblogged outside of it.

tags are added manually after a post goes up.

If you know me irl and find this blog, I don't really care but I'd prefer if you let me know.

anyway! have fun - be safe - enjoy your stay

[you-get-me-closer-to-god]

Characters that are literally like actually no seriously me coded

Tagged by bestie @the-vagabond-angel

Armand (The vampire chronicles) because of course. Religious trauma but also religious obsession? Check. Just wants to be loved? Same little dude. Middle child syndrome. I could go on.

Donnie Darko (From the movie, Donnie Darko) …listen… y’all are about to realize you’ve been taking to a nutcase this whole time but oh well. I have this thing, where in short bursts, I can predict the future with 100% accuracy. Usually someone saying a random sentence will trigger it and then a kind of script pops into my head. And it gives me a choice, if I say what I’m supposed to say next, I can predict what everyone in my group/room is going to say and do. Down to the kid screaming down the road after this person says “cats”. I’m not even joking this is exactly how it is. I’ve tested it. So during a time when I was experiencing that very often, along with synchronicities up the wazoo, I watched the movie and had a religious experience. I literally felt like they made a movie about me. And yes I was very afraid that a plane was going to crash into my bedroom after, but that happened to someone else in my state like a week ago. He is literally me, we’re both crazy ass brunettes who read a lot and have middle child syndrome. So…. Yeah….

Roman Roy (Succession) holy shit dude where do I start with Roman. Neglected childhood, I also (AND I’M BEING VULNERABLE HERE), I also liked to be put in dog cages as a child, very emotionally stunted with a deep deep rooted fear of emotional intimacy. Middle child syndrome even though technically he’s the youngest, I’m also a twin, very bad with grief (I pre-grieved) also the sibling that just wants everyone to get along. No Roman, you can’t fix your parent’s horrible relationship. Also scared of my dad.

There are many many more I’m positive but these three are way too perfect, I can’t do any better. If you know all three of these characters, you know me.

Tagging <3 and of course any and all who would like to partake

@dark-gift @dontbesylly @eosphoroz @hedonistbyheart

Characters that are so soso me coded!!!

Tagged by: @pinkestpigglet and @nightcolorz

Armand (The Vampire Chronicles): do I really have to explain this, I can go into major heavy detail about how I am literally Armand, I MIGHT JUST MAKE A WHOLE POST ABOUT IT IF I FEEL SO INCLINED (I THINK I WILL)

Lestat de Lioncourt (The Vampire Chronicles): I’m a little bit of a slut I won’t even lie and I death sleep after every single inconvenience, I will see an emo man with the world’s most depressing demeanor and lose my shit and froth at the mouth and need to make him mine

Ghostface (Scream Franchise): I am just a silly fella who enjoys horror movies! Seriously I could talk for hours about slashers and all that, my boo boo bears my whittle itty bitty guys (they r grown men)

Snake (Powerpuff Girls): I have big ass gap in my two front teeth that make me hiss on my S’s (just like him!!!!) also he’s a little bit of a dumbass and so am I lmao

Mikey (TMNT 2003 and 2012): I AM SUCH A SILLY GUY I have ADHD and I’m funny and I’m always trying to give things goofy nicknames, I make everyone laugh!!!!!! He was most definitely my earliest “that’s so me” character if not my first (I was 7 when the 2012 show came out and had yet to be on the internet yet lmao)

Leo (TMNT 2018): BEFORE I WAS ARMAND, I was Leo and that’s because of tmnt Leo!!!! He’s so silly and charismatic but also secretly very afraid of failure and wants to do good!!!!! Twin!!!!!!

Taggiiiiing!!:

@you-get-me-closer-to-god

@shit-garbage

And whoever else wants to do this :P!!

[rosenallies]

https://vt.tiktok.com/ZSefk4t12/ idk if u can relate but this shit triggers me

I don’t relate to that personally because my youth pastors were too busy trying to convince me if I k*lled m*self or hurt myself I’d go to hell for sure and that god would hate me but sexual purity was always such a big topic in church when I was in middle school like it’d be some grown ass man on a stage telling us our shorts were too short like motherfucker we live in arizona and it’s fully 115 outside ?? Religious trauma is so complex for so many people and it’s kinda crazy. I hope you’ve gotten away from that mindset tho bestie! Purity is the dumbest concept ever

[jetpackturtlesfanservice]

HAPPY NATIONAL MENTAL HEALTH DAY!

I figured I'd tell about my experience with mental health issues. I've always been an anxious child, but I never learned about how to properly deal with it. So my anxiety went unnoticed by the majority of my family and myself. A lot of my family members had/still have a nasty habit of accidentally or unintentionally abusing me. Not physically (thank the lord), but I was once slapped by my father over something minor. It was mostly mental and emotional. I developed a mentality that my "purpose" was to keep everyone else happy. My brain was rewired to think that my happiness didn't matter compared to everyone else's. All from unintentional abuse. It wasn't until my first suicide attempt in the 7th grade that made me realize that something was wrong with me. I never told anyone, nobody knew about the middle school attempts until my senior year what I told my little sister/bestie (@writer-nana-chan).

I finally got checked out by a therapist when I was in my junior year. All because of a really harsh breakup. The guy I was with was very emotional and mentally abusive. It ruined my already tainted state of mind. I told the school counselor that I had been having thoughts of suicide. Those thoughts were normal for me to have every now and again, but they were coming in so frequently and so much more gruesome every day that passed. It ranged from stabbing myself in the middle of my cooking class while riding the bus to school, to strangling myself with my headphones in the girls restroom. The counselor called my mother out of concern for my safety and I finally felt like someone cared about me. I felt for just a brief moment that this stranger genuinely cared about my wellbeing. I was recommended to see a therapist and to get evaluated.

I got checked out and I found out that I had depression and severe anxiety. I was almost put on a medication, but we (me and my mother) decided it was best if we tried an alternative to meds. It worked after a while, my family was actively trying to keep me included and make me as happy as the rest of them. I thought "Finally" because I never felt like I belonged with anyone. Family or friends. I felt like I was destined to just die and be forgotten.

It was working, but it all stopped. It was like everyone forgot about what happened and that I existed. It was like getting slapped by someone wearing leather gloves. It pushed me back into my internalization. It anchored my belief that nothing ever stays the same, no matter how great things may seem. Everything ends. I learned the deal with it none-the-less. It wasn't until senior year, when I made my final attempt, that things got worse for me. I was overwhelmed, stressed, and feeling completely shut out. My youngest (not the bestie) sister was having issues with stress and "anxiety" (as my family calls it without her getting diagnosed). Everyone doted on her and treated her with more care and for a longer period of time, that was what hurt more than anything. It felt like I was repeatedly getting stabbed everytime I breathed. It was suffocating being surrounded by the harsh reality that "you never mattered and you never will to these people."

The final breaking point was a silly argument about something small. Me and my mom argued over something stupid and she refused to hug me goodbye before I got on my bus that pushed me over the edge. I remember feeling numb, but also like I was drowning. It was like the universe was confirming that nobody loves me, nor does anyone want me around. It solidified my suicidal thoughts and almost made them a reality. It wasn't like I wanted to die, I just wanted to leave. I just wanted to stop hurting. So I went into the girls restroom and wrapped my headphones around my neck and cried. A few people came to try to help. A teacher that I always had an issue with, a student that had treated me like shit. They did nothing about the headphone around my neck, they tried to talk to me. When I didn't want to hear anything they had to say, they left. It wasn't until another stranger showed up and untangled the headphones from around my neck. She sat and talked to me like we had known each other forever. She was kind and spoke softly. I know you people on Tumblr aren't very religious and have a bad idea about Christianity and despite being a Christian myself, I have rarely been around another Christian who was as kind and thoughtful as she was. She spoke about how even if I don't love myself, God does and that there's a reason for everyone on Earth. Even me. Something about her hugging me and crying with me on the dirty bathroom floor changed something in me for a moment. It made me realize that I didn't want to die. I didn't want to disappear or be forgotten. After we sat there for God knows how long, she helped me up and took me to the nurses office and to the counselor. I told them about trying to kill myself and my greatest fear in that moment was them calling my mom. I feared that she would have another reason to feel dissapointed in me.

Mom came to the school, picked me up, and we drove to the therapist office. I was suspended from school until I got evaluated and was given the "ok" to come back to school. It was a few days before Christmas break and I was told that I would probably have to stay in a facility. My family cried along with me. I almost missed my favorite holiday. I almost missed spending time with my family. I almost ruined Christmas for my whole family. That's what it seemed like to me at least. My mom was supportive of me after they agreed to allow me to come home, on the grounds that I go to therapy every Tuesday and Thursday for the next few weeks. My mom made sure I was ok. I wasn't allowed anywhere near headphones during that time and I wasn't allowed to be near knives as well. It was an extra measure to ensure my safety. Everyone made sure that I was ok, except my dad's side at least. He and my stepmother treated it as if it were something similar to drinking and driving. They blamed me for what happened, and told me through a text message that "they're just waiting it out". They treated me like I ruined Christmas for them. They told me that I had to suffer the consequences of my actions. They were treating me like a disobedient child. It hurt. A lot. I didn't see them for 6 months after that.

I was slowly getting better and it seemed like my family was finally starting to understand what depression and anxiety was like. Things were fine until March 27th. Me and my sister/bestie(@writer-nana-chan)got onto the bus to go to school. As the bus was picking up a student a driver wasn't paying attention to the road at drove straight into a student. He was going around 70 mph. Me and my sister witnessed everything. Never in my entire life have I ever cried as hard as I did that morning. I cried for the 2 hours that we were stuck, parked next to the scene of the crime, and 4 more hours that we were home safely. He was pronounced dead once he was in the hospital. The boy was only 17. He was killed in front of his home where his younger brother, mother, and father could've looked out the window and watched. I felt awful. I didn't know the boy personally, but I resented him when he was alive. The school year that I was seated near him, I thought he and his friends just wanted to tease me. In reality, they were only teasing his other friend for having a crush on me. I held a certain distaste for him. Once I accidentally bumped into him in the halls, he apologized and of course I said that it was ok, until I realized it was HIM. I sneered at him. I SNEERED at the boy once I realized that it was him. That moment will haunt me for the rest of my life because I never knew who or what kind of person he was before i judged him. After his death, I found out how much of an amazing person he was. I hated myself so much for the way I treated him. I so thoughtlessly directed unnecessary anger towards him when none was needed.

From witnessing his death and the trauma that came with it, I developed PTSD. I didn't want to believe it at first, but it wasn't until I sat down with the other students present on the bus at a PTSD awareness group that I realized that I needed to be checked out. It was hard adjusting my lifestyle to not cause panic attacks and to keep myself away from things that trigger me. I can't watch some of my favorite horror movies anymore and I can't handle certain things when in a car. However, I'm slowly learning how to cope and I'm getting better.

Please do not wait until you actually make an attempt to seek help. Don't wait until that moment of unrelenting distraught to finally realize that you want help. Trust me, I would know.

[viurxe]

DETOX

DETOX

this gon be a story of my detox experience i was there for first time for alcohol i do other things but alcohol was negative fucking up my life in many aspects

DISCLAIMER/PREFACE in medical situations i behave and pass as a girl; i am prob some kind of bigender??[????] bc for some reason don't get triggered by either binarism. i've been drinking everyday since my dad died [something that hurt my soul and interrupted my magic] late '15 pre this event earlier that year i was a regular but very mild drinker to kill the dev but even at the beginning of that year i was a sober person apart from occasion. i've been experiencing depression and anxiety since young childhood and harsh trauma since late teens [will be 24 this year]

it'd been a year of grieving and i tried to detox at home and did okay until suicidal thoughts returned after a week and drinking was most accessible option to dull those desires. a month later i was experiencing body hurt and withdrawal symptoms daily and was drinking a box of goon a day and decided to go to detox through regen

ACTUAL DETOX

i went to curran place in heidelberg a baby of regen/uniting care but no religious beliefs were shown

you check in the at the morning my besty n boy walked me there i was drinking on the way for the nervs + drink constantly anyway. you have to do tests to see how high you are on arrival and see a nurse for observations then go to bed in your room. the first three days they give you benzos and vitamins and whatever else you need to suppress withdrawal symptoms. i didn't feel much apart from exhaustion and dev. all your meds are given to the nurses so you can not self med and someone will get you from your room at med and meal times + staff check on you regularly including at night to make sure you are healthy

the first few days they don't make you do activities you just rest in bed mostly letting your body heal. the meals there were yum menu made by nutritionist and prepared by patients/staff. after a few days you have to do some chores and go to activities. the chores are just simple cooking and cleaning and the activities are twice daily meetings where you just introduce yourself and say how you feeling out of ten and some other thing like 'something I'm grateful for' 'a place i'd love to visit' whatever else and then volunteering for chores. the activities are yoga, art therapy, mental health discussion, aa/na members visiting telling stories. all chill stuff but a bit anxious sometimes if you have it but the solidarity of the other clients makes things very chill

one of my biggest struggles was the people. i don't work or study and haven't since i was 17 and generally avoid the world. i loved most the people and i loved that we were all there for the same reason and all had a modesty [sadly prob induced from shame] but still a such pure purposeful 'i am here because i need to start a process to recovery'. it didn't matter our differences and when things were chill and social we found common ground unrelated to substances and hung out. the most important person there for me was a generic probbo casual racist bogan and she said one really fucked thing but i needed her she convinced me to stay when i wanted to leave her energy made me feel strong

it's a concentrated version of real life and it's very honest and I FOUND IT VERY HELPFUL TO HAVE A PLACE ENTIRELY SEPARATE FROM MY REAL LIFE TO REGROUP MY PERCEPTIONS AND THINK ABOUT THE WAYS I NEED TO REGROUND MY SOUL. it was so necessary and pure for me to be in a place an entire building that was about and acknowledged my needing help and needing to stabilise my life

i am not sober now because suicide ideation is still a part of my life and i am currently not properly medicated. but detox and the counselling post detox was massively helpful to the regular sobriety i now take part in until i go through the psychiatric help i need to treat my mental disorders and suppress the feelings that make me self destruct ---I ALSO AM VERY ANTI THE DETOX IDEA OF ““DETOX EVERYTHING”“ SOME PEOPLE ONLY HAVE ISSUE WITH SOME THINGS OR NEED SOME THINGS THAT ARE STABLE IN THEIR LIFE---