#but maybe no more advices from leighton

[pbstarot]

𝐏𝐢𝐜𝐤 (𝐒𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐚𝐥) 𝐂𝐚𝐫𝐝𝐬 - 𝐄𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 (𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐈 𝐦𝐞𝐚𝐧 𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐑𝐘𝐓𝐇𝐈𝐍𝐆) 𝐀𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐘𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐅𝐮𝐭𝐮𝐫𝐞 𝐒𝐩𝐨𝐮𝐬𝐞 (𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐬𝐨𝐦𝐞).

𝐀𝐩𝐩𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐞

𝐏𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐨𝐧𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐲

𝐈𝐦𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬

This is it, the tarot reading to end all tarot readings. I wanted to make a full future spouse tarot reading because I didn't want to divide them into bits, considering they are all, technically, the same topic. I also like to focus on more of a self-growth and acceptance thing on my blog, even if I still like and consume future spouse readings. We all want to love and be loved, so these readings are in order.

This reading, as you can see, is divided in topics. You can choose the topic you want to know the most about or, of course, read all of them. It's up to you. I'll be doing another reading about your relationship later. First images are by John Singer Sargeant, second images I have no idea, and third images are Edmund Blair Leighton.

Disclaimer:Tarot does not replace any sort of advice from a trusted professional that went to college for 8+ years to be there. It also does not always get things right. The future changes all the time and a responsible tarot reader can only assure 80% of their readings will be correct at any given point in time. Remember to take what you look at and go “huh, that could be me,” and leave the rest. Be conscious about your tarot content consumption and drink lotsa agua, amigo(a)(x). Private readings here.

𝐀𝐩𝐩𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐞

Pile 1

Cards: Ten of Wands, Knight of Wands, Eight of Swords, Four of Cups, Justice.

Muscular, maybe because of physical labor. I specifically see someone carrying wood on their shoulders. The opposite is true for feminine aligned people, and they can be quite petite and delicate.

Their fashion sense is very basic if they are more masculine. I'm seeing mainly white shirts and jeans. They might like to brush their hair back. Very Marlon Brando in A Streetcar Named Desire. If they prefer a feminine appearance, I see someone who likes vintage fashion a lot. Jessica Kellgren-Fozard.

They might have longer hair. I don't see anything special here other than it's dark and wavy. Maybe 2b and c curves, with some 3a. I believe they take care of their hair and wanna make sure it's pretty, either with gel or rollers. For some of you, they can have golden hair, but it's a very small portion. Most here have dark hair and eyes.

They could dance. They have a very specific body type, both sides, and can be very graceful. I feel like their hips don't lie.

They could have an off putting first impression. They don't look like they want to engage with strangers. The feminine energies here want to TRY to, but the masculine doesn't even bother (being a woman is social Hell after all). Either resting bitch face or a melancholy air. Some might look like they're about to cry any minute.

I believe the feminine energy could have a bigger chest. The masculine has a broad one as well. They are both full, body wise. I believe their waist is, nonetheless, small.

They are young looking. Could be younger than you. Round face for the feminine and chiseled for the male, but with enough fat here and there to denote a younger complexion.

Pile 2

Cards: Lovers, Five of Cups, Four of Pentacles, Ten of Wands, Two of Pentacles rx, Fool.

They can be genderfluid, with the Lovers here. Either genderfluid or a cis person who is very liberal with the way they dress, and don't believe that clothes have gender. Someone who can look good in anything. Marilyn Monroe rocking the potato bag and looking beautiful vibes. Someone who dresses in vibrant clothes. Someone who likes a sparkle.

Alternatively, with the five of cups, I also am picking up someone who might look forlorn and dress in a lot of black, a lot of beige, a lot of muted colors. Either way, most of them know what looks good on them, even if it's all based on vibes. A more somber look.

They might look taller than you. With the Four of Pentacles, it's almost as if you are the coin, very small compared to them. Could be you two are the same height and this person is just bigger energetically or more expansive than you. Mostly though, I'm seeing they're super tall. They tower over you. Long legs or torso.

For hair color, I'm seeing blonde because you also got the Fool. Red too. I'm leaning a lot towards more traditional tones. Could be dark too, but someone out there is a blonde and they're coming in very strong. They have golden hair, kind of like pile 1's person.

For people who are feminine leaning and cis, I see small breasts. I see a very lean figure, someone who has a small butt too. Heroin chic, although I hate that term. Edie Sedgwick and Twiggy. Could wear a binder as well, if they are on a more Trans spectrum. For cis men, definitely also lean, and strong. They could definitely carry you over their shoulder.

Most people here have very short hair. I see that they might have had a lot of hairstyles over the years (or changed their entire style a lot). Nowadays, short is mostly the rule. Practical. Easy to take care of.

Pile 3

Cards: Sorry, I forgot to take note :(

This person is younger than you by maybe two to three years. If not, then they definitely look like it a LOT. They don't seem like they age, so could be from a race that doesn't wrinkles. Could be of Asian or African descent, or just someone who's blessed with amazing skin. They could also have a skin care routine. Boyish, girlish good looks.

They have an adorable smile. Pearly white. The kind of smile that leaves the person petrified.

Most here dress in a casual, but still good looking way. They do casual chic really well. The people in this group could also be well off, but not show it. I see a lot of hoodies, sunglasses, cargo pants, crop tops, gold jewelry. Masculines don't wear accessories, feminines wear a lot. Several bracelets and earrings. Some could be stereotypical skater boys and girls.

A lot of people here are of a mixed race. I'm seeing a lot of green eyes, black eyes, and some blue. No hazel, no light browns, really dark or really green/blue. I'm also sensing wild curly hair, especially for the masculine energies. For female, long long hair, down to their waist, that they put on a ponytail. Could also decorate their hair with something, gold thread for some, but this is a very exclusive message.

Like pile 2, they also have a forlorn look. I'm thinking Robert Pattinson in Batman for some reason. This is not obvious though, it's the kind of thing you catch them doing when they're recharging. You can tell they carry a lot of baggage just by the way their body posture changes.

They could have chapped lips (they bite them a lot). Also wear glasses for some of you. I'm also seeing they carry themselves with confidence for the most part, especially the masculines. They could look quite good in reds, yellows and oranges.

𝐏𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐨𝐧𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐲

Pile 1

Cards: Ace of Pentacles, Eight of Swords, Justice, Ace of Swords, Six of Pentacles, Lovers.

Your future spouse is a cute person. So cute it made me a bit sick, honestly. I think this is the appearance they put forward the most, with the Lovers here. They want to seem like a cute cute person. Personality wise, though, I think this is just a little bit of a facade and it's specifically for the internet. They could be on tiktok or be tiktok famous, but this is just for a very few of you. They want to be out there in the public eye in some capacity though, and will likely achieve it either soon or in the distant future. This person wants to be seen as pristine and pure. They want to always have a clean slate to back them up. They might have anxiety in regards to seeming perfect.

They are overall a balanced person with a caveat. I believe they hide that they have some mental illnesses, most prominently depression, anxiety, and maybe OCD (but the kind no one tells you about, the taboo thoughts, or religious, moral OCD). They are very nice though. Their vibe reminds me of Robin from Cavetown. He is very soft spoken and delicate as well.

I believe your person could be of the sign of Capricorn. Also Pisces and Scorpio. These are just vibes I'm picking up, no particular cards to sustain it (or astrology knowledge). They could have a bit of a scatter brain. The energy in itself is very soft and scattered, almost as if they don't know who they are. The image they put forward is the one they wish they were, but I'm not sure it's their fully formed personality yet. They could be very young, but I'm mostly picking up on people from the ages of 19 to 24. They have a "lost" vibe.

This person could also be overtly nice to others, especially people they want to impress. Very nervous energy, over explaining things. I see that they are supremely nice to you, though. They definitely like to see Justice being served, as the card suggests, and might always make sure that people are put in their place morally. They seem like they aren't someone who attacks people online, but they could just stay mad in their room. They believe that, considering they have no problem being a good person, that others shouldn't either. They were probably raised on the internet and believe that they are the only ones who know how the world should work. Self righteous.

I think this person likes deep, philosophical discussions, with the Ace here, but don't have what it takes to finish them. Their discussions never have a solution or a conclusion, they simply end. It's like they create these hypotheses in their head, make them really big, and then let them go just as they began. They could be an absolute avid reader, devouring books of all sorts, but specially non-fiction (Didion, Sontag, Weil, Girl Interrupted, Prozac Nation), and emotional fiction (Virgin Suicides, A Little Life (could have read this one just cause everyone was reading it), Wuthering Heights, Jane Eyre). I also believe they secretly like YA, but that's not as cool to showcase on the internet. They're all about appearances, but I think it's because they don't know who they are yet. Again, they're projecting the image they want to achieve someday. They're faking til they make it.

For quirks, one could be that that they bite their lips a lot. Another one is a penchant for standing by doors and putting their foot on their ankle, making a perfect four. This person might like bunny rabbits and be seen with them all the time. I can see them with one in their arms and, for some of you, the urge to draw them this way or take several pictures. I think this person likes animals in general, though. Big fan of nature too.

Your FS' Anthem According to my Liked Playlist on Spotify:

(Again, this is the melancholy they hide deep into themselves. They hate the part of their psyche that is sad, although they indulge in it a lot. Before they become themselves entirely, they need to get in touch with the darkness).

Pile 2

Cards: Two of Wands, Queen of Swords, King of Cups, Tower, Knight of Cups, Eight of Swords

The first thing I'm getting here is that there is a duality to your future spouse for some reason. The Two of Wands and the Queen of Swords are facing opposite directions. I believe this person has a lot of dreams that they believe are simply not reachable by logical means. Alternatively, there could be a disconnect between who they are and how they present themselves as well. On the outside, they can seem like a visionary, someone with a really different or sharp vision of the world, someone with ambitions, with a confident stride. On the inside, they are pragmatic, logical, even a little egotistical. They are terrified, which is something they don't show the world. They are afraid none of their visions will actually materialize.

Interestingly, your future spouse also has a King of Cups and the Tower. I believe they are very emotional, and not as emotionally balanced as they wish they were. I also believe they can be self-destructive at times. Maybe prone to impulsive behavior. That beng said, they are genuinely sweet and kind. And they are confident too. There's just a lot of things under the surface. I believe they deal with these things on their own, with no one to bear witness. It is easier to do so for them, lick ther wounds like a cat.

Your future spouse could be an extrovert. I definitely see them in the middle of everyone, maybe on a stage (for a very few of you, maybe one person). I believe they like to cheer people up, they love to tell jokes, they might be extravagant. They are definitely a whole person. They cry, love and laugh with intensity, even if on the inside they are more observant and introverted than people usually first see them as. They like to recharge their batteries and spend a long time at home, but once they are out, they are out. They love to party (with a few loved ones, I don't see any clubbing), and to celebrate. They might cry often as well.

I also sense they adore animals, dogs especially. Maybe they have fish, and echidna for some of you (not sure if you can own these everywhere in the world), rats, snakes. They just love to have a little guy with them. Something to take care of, or maybe to take care of them. They believe that having animals helps them heal. They definitely feel trapped by things, perhaps the world at large, other people, life. As extroverted as they are, they definitely like to be with specific people and on their own more. They like to have their environment and space. For some of you they could play an instrument.

Your future spouse doesn't tell all right away. You don't get to know them from just one or two conversations. I think a lot of you reading this group believe you are good at reading people, but I don't know here. I don't think you can tell who this person is by just being with them. Maybe you need a little more time, a little more patience. You could be with them and they'd tell you something about their life and personality and maybe you're shocked, but not in a bad way, just delighted you never once picked that up from talking to them. If they hadn't mentioned it directly, maybe it'd take you years. This person is truly interesting and they sound pretty cool. Sort of rare too. There's not many of this person out there in the world.

Age wise, I believe they are anywhere from 20 to 29 right now (not when you meet, but who knows?). Some of them could be in their thirties, but that is not necessarily for most of you. Definitely twenties/late twenties. They definitely give me a mature, wistful vibe, like they look out into the world with knowing eyes and wisdom.

Your FS' Anthem According to my Liked Playlist on Spotify:

(I love this vibe. It's pretty cool. They might age backwards, this person, but they could also have am effortless cool vibe. Unfortunately, they give me Edward Cullen vibes (considering Lost Boys is about vampires, but I don't feel that movie here), but none of the abusive gaslighting, observing you while you sleep in your room without your permission vibe (which I understand takes up most of the character). I've actually been re reading Twilight because I hate/love it so much, and Edward is depicted kind of like the bad boy with feelings? I don't think your person is a bad boy, but they have a lot of intensity and a lot of feelings. Idk, it's cool though).

Pile 3

Cards: Moon, Justice, Six of Swords, Hermit, Ace of Wands, Seven of Cups.

This is a person who carries a lot of weight. They could be famous someday. I'm not sure, but they could be famous now as well. I don't wanna encourage anything weird, though, and you might not marry anyone famous (don't attach yourself to that). Still, I think that, if not that, your person is universally beloved. There's something about them that makes them really important, and really stand out. They're like a cat too, for some reason, maybe just as graceful. They're like this force, people just look at them when they are in a room.

I believe this person is very attached to justice, and social justice perhaps. They could like to help and to donate to causes. Maybe not donate, because they don't really know where the money goes, but they are very well-spoken and outspoken about this. I keep seeing someone on a one on one interview, but again, not sure. They are definitely someone who speaks with their hands as well. They could be animated, but I'm sensing someone who just gets upset depending on the topic.

They could have a lot of anxiety, racing thoughts, and maybe even apnea from time to time. Panic attacks could be in order. For as much as they have to offer the world, this person has a lot to deal with to compensate for that, mostly in their own head. They like to be balanced and strong, but they're truly very much a mess. It's cute and endearing in a way. They make a good show of someone who is faring way better than they are and then at home they just cry and let it out, and call their mom and go "mom please, I'm scared, come pick me up."

They definitely like to think a lot, about themselves, about the world, about the state of things. I believe they might like philosophy and history. They are definitely worldly, or try to be worldly. They like to enjoy any opportunity that they have to come into contact with people who are different than them, or had different experiences in general. They try to keep an open mind and might even have too much of an open mind at times, always making sure not to judge people too much. I think they don't think they can do that, actually, considering who they are as people.

They are fun, and lively, but also caustic, could be prone to sarcasm. High wit. They could be mean at times as well, or have a fast tongue for insults. I don't think they do insult you or anyone else though, because of their aforementioned penchant for non-judgmental behavior. Still, they can be quite bitchy, and complain about things. They could also whine. This person has a lot of flaws, but they are sweet though. Weirdly sweet. They might do a lot of things for you, from grand gestures of love, to cooking, to taking you out on a whim (although they could be more of a homebody considering the hermit). They try their best to make you happy because you make them happy. They think that a person like them doesn't necessarily deserve someone like you.

I don't see that they are a bad person at all, just lost and selfish at times. I think they believe they either made a lot of mistakes or they can't control themselves very well. They're not violent, they're kinda like a puppy, just entirely scared. Very interesting. They have a lot of traits wrapped up in one person. They can be confident, warm, assertive, kind, generous, and then bitchy, scared, cold, logical, pragmatic, jaded, cynical... A rich inner world, full of possibilities.

They definitely like their time alone, but they like to grant you permission to be with them. Time alone with you says the same thing to them. You two might spend a long time silently doing your thing, reading, just hanging out together. That's perfect for them. They might never have had this before, or, alternatively, that relationship ended badly anyway and they thought no one could feel this void again.

For age, I don't know. They seem older than you, but eons older. I don't know why, maybe it's just their vibe. I feel like they are probably more than four or five years older, maybe ten for some, but I don't think it's that much. This is not necessarily a bad thing. I still believe they see you as their equal regardless.

Your FS' Anthem According to my Liked Playlist on Spotify

(I actually took this one twice because the first one was Genetic Repo Man and I knew this was not gonna resonate with the audience at all and would be difficult to explain. Still, I'll include both. You're welcome. Mostly, I think your future spouse likes to present themselves as more dangerous than they are or edgier in a way, when they're literally mostly just a guyTM (gender doesn't matter here, I identify as just a little guy and I have just a little guy energy too). I believe that Genetic Repo Man has the vibe they wish for and 99 Red Balloons has the vibe they actually embody. I think they also might be too complex to condense into two songs. Maybe a whole Playlist would be better).

𝐈𝐦𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬

I'm extending first impressions to more than just first meeting and giving it a more "first few conversations" vibe. I'm also adding their "second" impression of you, which is really just their overall, lasting impression of you.

Pile 1

Their first impression of you.

Cards: King of Cups, Ace of Cups, Death, King of Wands, Eight of Cups rx, Lovers.

I don't think they'll think you're the "One" right away, but I do believe they'll see something is up. At least, they'll be a little interested in you that way. They think you're quite intense. For some, it could be your manner of dressing. For others, I think it's your stare, the way you glare at them. A lot of them think that, if you are not the "One", you could make yourself be, if that makes sense. You could make them like you if you wanted to, if you gave them the romantic, flirty sort of attention. I feel them a little stiff around you, maybe a little scared, because of this Death card here. You could be a Goth, wear goth attire, like I mentioned. It's all very intimidating.

They do think they'd like to make a move on you after a while, but they are afraid you're gonna reject them, or not think that they're good enough for you. You could be surrounded by other people and not give them much attention in general. They'll start to think you're sweet and funny as time goes on, and be able to loosen themselves up in your presence. I believe once you two talk a little more their first impressions will turn around and they'll find out they shouldn't have been scared in the first place, because you're pretty receptive and warm. They believe you are someone who doesn't quit, for some reason. I also think that, after the first few conversations, they'll realize that you don't leave people and places behind if you truly love said people and places. Some of them will feel safe learning that. I have no clue how they'll learn that, because it's pretty specific, but they will.

Their "second" impression of you.

Cards: Page of Pentacles, Four of Wands, Emperor, Two of Pentacles, Moon rx, Queen of Wands.

They think you're amazing. They also think that you are a warm and caring presence. They are absolutely floored about how you turned out to be. It's a feeling of "I'm so, so, SO glad I got to know this person." I feel a very stable energy here, as if they are sure you are never gonna leave now (remember they also thought that after having a few conversations with you, but now they are sure sure).

They think they truly found their "other half of the orange," as we say here. With the Two of Pentacles, they believe you two work REALLY well together. More than that, they also believe that you are an amazing multitasker, and that they can trust you with anything. Any responsibility, any problem, anything and you'll handle it.

With the Queen and the Emperor, they couldn't be more grateful to have you in their life. A strong, independent person that somehow chose them to have as their partner. They see you as somewhat of a force of nature. They do think you are soft like a breeze, but even the strongest breezes will move things out of the way. I think their slight fear and intimidation of you turned out to be awe. Ok, in all fairness, I AM picking up that they are still a little scared, but I believe that it commands respect and admiration in them, rather than a fight or flight instinct.

This person also, through it all, see you two as equals. You have what they don't have and vice versa. It's like you were made for them. The Postal Service song came to mind, Such Great Heights. "And I have to speculate that God Himself did make us into corresponding shapes, like puzzle pieces from the clay," it's like they believe they couldn't have found anyone better for them if they tried. 10/10.

(There's a lot they wanna talk about you, but it's such an overwhelming, anxious, excited, puppy-like energy that I can't translate it all, it gets mushed. So, it's probably because of the many people who are gonna pick this pile. If you wanna know more, you can get a private reading, or wait until one of my games is open someday to ask more abt it).

Pile 2

Their first impression of you.

Cards: Two of Cups, Knight of Pentacles, Death, Ace of Cups, Chariot, Six of Swords rx.

The first thing I thought was that, differently from pile 1 where there's a loading period, your person is gonna know right away that they want to marry you. It's a no brainer. I don't know if it's your appearance, mode of speaking, way of being, or all of it, or maybe nothing in particular as well, but something will sound off in their brain that'll make them go "Huh, that one. That's the one."

Their first impression of you is that you are likewise a force of nature, but different. You're unassuming. Most people would look at you and see there's something odd there, but not necessarily be intimidated or anything. It's something about your aura and what happens after people are in your presence for a while that tips them off that you are not a regular person. Your future spouse is gonna see that faster than most, and maybe relate to that and know they can trust and talk to you.

In fact, they can talk to you about anything. That's one of the big ones, they might have a hard time opening up to people because they are likewise weird and unusual, but with you they know it's okay. They know they can be themselves, even if there's some left over anxiety from before, they are ok with being more like what they are inside in your presence, even on the beginning stages. That's a win right there. The poem "Alone" by Edgar Allan Poe came to mind. Take a peak at that for more info on how your future spouse navigated through life until finding you (and it might resonate with you as well because I believe you are much in the same way).

Their "second" impression of you.

Cards: Page of Swords, Magician, Ace of Wands, Ten of Pentacles, Emperor, Four of Pentacles

I don't think it changes much from one to the other. I believe your future spouse's lasting impression of you is an even more pronounced version of the first one, which was already a feeling I had when I read the first bit. They think you're amazing, they think you're brilliant, and they are happy to know that they weren't wrong, although I also have a feeling they knew they were not gonna be wrong. They read you perfectly the first few times that they met you.

With the Magician they also believe you have a lot of power to make things happen. I'm not sure that they are spiritual or believe in manifestation (could go either way), but they definitely believe you have what it takes to make your dreams come true. With the Ten, they think that you'll be the perfect person to build a stable foundation with, have kids and everything. A lasting legacy. With the Emperor, they have no qualms in letting you lead. They might even be into it in other ways. I'm keeping this one PG though, so don't hit me.

With the Four of Pentacles, they noticed you are careful with money, to the point of being a little too penny pinching. They understand that, for some of you, you come from a place of poverty or limited means, so they admire this quality rather than hate it. I also think that they admire your ability to be knowledgeable in all topics, or to always be willing to learn with this Page. You're pretty free with your interests, and you never hold your opinions so tightly that you are not willing to change them in the face of facts, which they also like.

Pile 3

Their first impression of you.

Cards: Ace of Wands, Five of Pentacles, Four of Cups, King of Pentacles, Hermit, Ten of Swords.

Holy shit, pile 3, you are unavailable. This energy is even making me laugh a little bit, for some reason (maybe that's the reaction people would have seeing your future spouse scrambling around to get you to pay attention to them). You are giving no shits, you are not even looking at them (but not in a femme fatale, I hate men, or whatever way, more like in a "wait were you looking at me? Sorry, man I didn't see ya there" way). A lot of this here is about how they wanna to do something, but they can't. You give the impression of not wanting to be in a relationship right now and might even be in your own world.

Uh, I have to stop reading Twilight (don't @ me), but your energy reminds me of Bella's in the first book (DON'T. @. ME.) when she's just getting to Forks and everyone wants her attention and she's like "I wish I would just die :)." I think you're way more confident than Bella, you just don't like unwanted attention. You might have some issues with trusting people easily (not to a pathological degree, more to a careful degree) and you want to choose people to be in your vicinity, so you can be standoffish (but never impolite or rude). Your future spouse is very dejected.

They also believe you know things, more than them. That's the vibe this Hermit here is giving, because he looks like a character in a fantasy novel who knows everything and lived many lifetimes. They believe you are like that too for some reason. Maybe you'll be known for something in the future and they actually know you before you two are formally introduced. I think it's mostly in passing though, they didn't expect to like you or want to be your friend/lover. Not that you're bad, it's just that it never even crossed their mind you'd like them back and now you're super standoffish and it's clear to them you don't want to be around anyone in that way, so they're going through a tough time here. After I collected the cards, I realized there was more here, but I believe that it'd be individual, messy messages, so this is the general gist of it.

Their "second" impression of you.

Cards: Two of Pentacles, Eight of Cups, Star, Ace of Wands, Knight of Swords, Ten of Cups.

With the Star here, they think you literally are a star. They still don't know how you are giving them the time of day, but you are. I had to take clarifiers for this one, because it's sort of a confusing energy. It's like they are happy that you are with them, but still terrified you might leave or they might do something inadequate which is not really a good energy to have in a relationship. I think it's in their head, but if they're not a bad person, maybe be a little more lenient on them. If they're supposed to marry you, then everything will work out. I think their second impression is mainly about learning about your boundaries.

They think you're awesome and they are pretty intimidated by you. Different from pile 2, they are definitely into it. I don't know if it's in that way, but they like the idea of having someone so cool by their side. It could be that you are known, and they are not, but I'm getting more like a they are known too, but not for the same things, or you two are perfectly aligned. What you got they don't and vice versa (similar to pile 1's energy, but way more high strung). If you two are not known for anything and you are literally just there, the last one is definitely why they are grateful to have you. It's almost a yin and yang kinda thing, although I feel like they would avoid using those kinds of terminologies because it's lame.

Again, they fear that you are just gonna up and leave. This could be, for some, because of an inclination they have, and some trust issues that are coming from them. For others, it's just natural anxiety, fear of losing something good, fear of losing the one they believe is the perfect match for them. I don't think that you are going to just drop them, but they believe you will, because they believe, maybe, that they are not good enough for you, and you will find out. A sort of imposter syndrome. It'd be beneficial to them if they talked to you about this and solved it themselves as well, because I don't think it has anything to do with you specifically at this point.

[tuiyla]

oh i’m all caught up! was gonna send another ask about it but figured i’d give you time to respond to that first one before i spammed you all over again lmao - anyway, they were really fun too! i love leighton and tatum more and more every time i see them. bela is still 😀 upsetting me, but it’s Fine (it’s not). leigh coming out to her dad?? fucking phenomenal i could cry. cannon walking in on whit and andrew literally had me screaming out loud cause WHY- was it really necessary?? 😀 -dan

Yess I'm liking this Leighton and Tatum stuff so much haha. It's just fun and Tatum is so who she needs right now. I'm really digging them and I hope they won't end on bad terms and preferably not next episode. I swooned when Tatum reassured her. And the coming out?? I was so anxious throughout ep 8 just anticipating the moment. I think we're all scarred by coming outs like nasty bitch Mrs Abuela Lopez's reaction and I'm happy that the first impression I got from Leighton's dad back in the very first episode was correct. He's not perfect and the Murrays are only as functional as a filthy rich family can be but it was a good scene. I did hold my breath when he left the table ngl. If I'm honest the coming out storyline in general is just a liiiittle bit anticlimactic but better go smoothly than tragically. I'm very happy for Leighton but I'm still hoping she'll come out to her mom in person too. That seems to be the messier relationship.

Bela 😭 I appreciate how well The Foxy girls conveyed that it's getting real hard to root for her. Well I still am rooting for her, flaws and all, but the Eric scene at the end of ep 7 was very indicative of how much she has to grow and mature. I can't fault him for saying what did. At least the Priya plot got a good resolution, it would have sucked for her to alienate a friend from back home too. Out of the four main girlies Bela's having it the toughest rn (and Kimberly had to sell her eggs!) and idk what can be done about that in two eps but we'll see.

Lmao I kinda like that Canaan and Whitney can act friendly now and am wondering if it's building up to them getting back together. Either way the library scene wasn't as cringe as it could have lol; I get really bad second-hand embarrassment but I just laughed at this moment. I think it's because Canaan handles it relatively well. She and Kimberly are having a more chill time now and honestly they deserve it.

I'm not ready for the season to be over so soon 😭 curse these short seasons

[britswriting]

Desire (1)

Sequel to Unbroken!

Unbroken/Desire masterlist

Read Unbroken (completed) on Wattpad

Read Desire on Wattpad - wattpad gets the updates first 

*Leighton's POV*

You'd think sharing a kiss with one of your friends would be the means for a conversation, and yet not one word has been spoken in almost a month.

I left the hospital on November 27th in the evening, and went straight to the NICU to be with Gemma. Having Gemma in the NICU was a really hard time, and I ended up leaning a lot on my family during that excruciating week.

Gemma came home from the hospital on December 4th after spending 24 hours off Oxygen.

We also had to have her regular care givers take Infant CPR, so my parents, younger siblings and Aaliyah took the course and signed a paper for her medical records that they were equipped incase of such an emergency.

The first week of having Gemma in my apartment was weird.

There were a lot of changes.

One of the changes being that Gabe was around all the time.

It surprisingly wasn't bad. We were very respectful to each other and our own individual emotions.

Gemma thankfully loved her car seat and didn't mind being in the car, which worked to our advantage when she wouldn't calm down no matter what we did.

I definitely referred back to the parenting advice book from my baby shower, and I Youtubed quite a bit of "How To"'s but somehow we survived our first week with a newborn.

They always said the first week was the hardest.

On Sunday, December 13th Stasia and Katrina came over to my apartment when Gabe went to go pick up some groceries for that week, and it felt nice to see them.

I've texted the four of them here and there, but I swear they forgot I literally just had a baby, and can't go out to parties with them.

I understood that we were all young adults... but I feel like they forget I've had to grow up a lot quicker and I couldn't just go clubbing on a whim.

Sam would text me asking if I wanted to get food, forgetting I'm baby bound now with breastfeeding and such, so it's definitely made things harder and more isolating.

I know I could bring the baby with me, but Gemma has weak lungs, and I don't want to risk something happening, so for now, we don't leave the house.

Am I overprotective? Even over-paranoid? Maybe. But can you blame me?

She's only been outside when we left the hospital, but since then, Gabe and I have just been too tired to do anything.

They arrived when Gemma was sleeping and I was making Gabe and I dinner, wanting to get it started before I got too tired.

"Hey Leigh! How are you?" Kat asked, slipping her shoes into the shoe rack.

"Tired, how are you guys?"

We shared some small talk while I finished putting stuff in the crockpot.

I washed a few bottles and by then loud cries came out of the monitor.

"Can I go get her?" Stas asked and I was apprehensive but eventually agreed, focusing back on the few bottles I had left.

"So, can I ask something personal?" Kat asked, leaning against my kitchen archway.

"You usually do" I muttered, not even wanting to know what the follow-up question is.

"What happened between you and Colby?" She asked and I kind of froze for a second, before catching myself and rinsing out the water filled bottle. "Why?"

"You're both ignoring each other like it's the plague"

"I'm not ignoring him" I replied defensively, annoyed that she's putting her nose in our business.

I tried not to overshare. Especially about lives that weren't my own, so constantly being asked about a nonexistent relationship status could get very irritating.

"Fine, he's ignoring you like the plague" She corrected, walking over towards my small kitchen island.

"Well that's on him" I muttered, grabbing another bottle.

Kat sighed which made my heart race a little, and there was a pregnant paused before she asked, "Leigh, what happened?"

I shrugged, "Ask Colby" I muttered, placing the final bottle on the dish rack.

"Hey Leigh?! How do I change her?!" Stas called from the makeshift nursery.

Thank God, an out

Once Gemma had a fresh diaper on, we swaddled her and brought her out to my living room.

I sat on the couch with her, slightly rocking her to see if she'll fall back asleep.

"Is she a good sleeper?" Stas asked, sitting down next to me.

"Um.. I guess? She's a good sleeper normally during the daytime. My struggle is, is I don't like living in a mess... so I take the time she's asleep to get stuff done.. and then we're up all night. I haven't properly slept since I was pregnant, maybe even before I was pregnant" I chucked and Gemma started crying.

"I'll be right back, she needs to eat" I went to stand up but they stopped me.

"You can feed her in front of us, that's if you don't mind" Stas said and I nodded.

"Do you want to pass me the blanket behind you?" I asked, reaching over for the boppy.

"Do you normally cover up?" Kat asked and I shook my head, undoing the sleep shirt I was wearing and unclipping my nursing bra. "Don't feel the need to cover Leigh. We're all girls here. Feed your baby"

I hesitantly let my boob fall out, nudging my nipple against my crying baby's mouth.

Thankfully after our first few days home Gemma finally got breastfeeding down, which has made feeding her a lot easier.

It's nice to just roll over and grab her instead of having to get up and make a bottle.

"What's been the worst postpartum experience?" Stas asked and I sighed, my eyes staying focused on Gemma to make sure she wasn't getting too much nor too little flow of milk.

"Um... the worrying.. I guess. The mental aspect has been a bitch. I've also struggled a lot with heavy bleeding, and night sweats. I don't know.. there's a lot of hormone changes so your body acts weird, I don't know, I'm not a doctor" I chuckled, nudging Gemma's cheek to get her latch again.

"Night sweats?" Stas asked and I nodded.

"Yeah. I sweat a lot when I sleep. It's gross. Gabe at times has opted for the air mattress" I giggled.

"You guys sleep together then?" She asked and I nodded.

Stas hummed, almost seeming to want to dig deeper on the new information, but there wasn't anything to give.

It was nothing more than our backs turned away from each other as we tried to sleep with a crying baby next to us.

"What are you going to do for her nursery?" Kat questioned, and I saw her eyes lingering on the open door that showed the very empty spare bedroom.

"I think Gabe is going to take apart her nursery in his apartment and bring it here, and use it here. Like the crib and such since he won't be utilizing his apartment once he's in New York"

"Have you guys talked about New York?" Stas asked as I was switching boobs so I didn't leak super bad on the other side.

Gemma preferred my left boob, and always threw a bit of a fit when I would switch her, but I wasn't trying to have my right boob a lot bigger and more swollen than my left.

If I didn't equally feed her on both sides, the side that wasn't sucked on hurt like a bitch and I'd have to pump to relieve the pain and pressure.

"We're taking it one day at a time. I haven't had time to do a lot of thinking whilst caring for a newborn" I grumbled, my walls going up as I felt interrogated.

Once she was done eating, I burped her and let her lay in the newborn cot between my legs.

"She really is precious" Stas spoke softly and I smiled at her, nodding.

"Yeah, I'm glad I didn't give her up. Yeah we've had our hard days.. and still are.. but I don't know.. she's worth it, I guess"

~

I had gotten home from my pediatrician appointment with Gemma and much to my surprise, once I got Gemma down for a nap there was a knock on my door, and Colby was the last person I expected to see when I opened the door.

"Hi, come in. Sorry for the mess" I apologized, opening the door wider.

"It's fine Leighton" He took his shoes off, following me to the living room.

I picked up the stray swaddles and burping cloths as I passed them, trying to make my home look a little more tidy.

"Leigh, stop cleaning" He chuckled and I shook my head, tossing the white clothes into a laundry bin.

"Not that I'm not happy to see you, but why are you here?" I asked, snatching a recently used bottle off the coffee table.

"I just uh.. wanted to see you. I haven't seen you for a while. How are you?" He asked, and I could tell something was off.

I thought we were past small talk?

"Fine. You?"

"I'm alright"

I nodded, letting the silence consume the room as I finished picking things up, tossing a few bottles into the sink.

I snatched the laundry basket off my kitchen table, heading towards the washer and dryer that was tucked snuggly into my hall closet.

"I actually uh.. wanted to ask you something" He spoke up, and I could feel his eyes on me as I opened the white doors, tossing the baby items into my washer.

"That is?"

"So um.. Sam and I are going to Italy to film with some people we've never met before for a series on our channel.. and I remembered how you said you had family over there.. and I was wondering if you wanted to go?"

I stopped dead in my tracks, turning to look at him.

"When are you going? I have a newborn remember"

"We leave June 5th and come back June 20th, so almost a full month"

"I.. I would love to but I have Gemma. I can't leave her"

"Bring her with" He said without missing a beat and my eyes widened, shaking my head.

"I can't take my what.... 6 month old? Baby out of the country! Everyone on that flight will hate me!"

"Leigh stop worrying about people"

"No! If your baby is too crazy they'll literally kick you off"

"What are they going to do when you're 30 thousand feet in the air? Just drop you from the sky?" He asked sarcastically and I frowned.

"Why are you asking me anyway? I thought you didn't like me anymore" I muttered, grabbing the laundry soap so I could start my load.

"What do you mean?" Colby asked, sounding genuinely confused.

"You haven't exactly been friendly towards me these past two weeks" I snapped and he sighed, his cheek resting against his knuckles, his elbow on his thigh as he looked at me.

"I'm sorry. I've just uh. been thinking" He said and I rolled my eyes, starting my washer, placing the basket on the inside of my closet before shutting the doors. "Plus, I heard you should leave new parents alone so they can get into a routine. Not constantly have visitors"

I rolled my eyes, snatching a TV remote off the table and putting it into my remote bin. "That doesn't mean I didn't want to get texts from you, or even FaceTime calls... I...." I sighed, "I miss talking to you Colby"

"I'm sorry" He apologized and I nodded, not daring to look over in his direction as I moved around my home, trying to pick up some of the blankets and water bottles I had around. I could feel his eyes on me as I moved, and I felt insanely insecure.

"Stop staring at me. I know, I'm fat. I still look heavily pregnant"

"Stop Leigh. You just had a baby. Don't mean to yourself"

"Okay Mr. I think I'm getting a double chin, I need to go hit the gym" I mocked, tossing away some of my cookie wrappers.

Breastfeeding made you starving, so I had snacks littered all over this apartment.

"Leighton, stop cleaning" Colby scolded again, reaching out for my wrist as I walked past him, wanting to pick up the boppy from the floor.

"No. I don't want to live in a mess"

"Leigh, it's okay to be a mess. I'm not expecting a magazine ready house. Please sit down" He motioned for the cushion next to him, but I kept my ground in front of him, afraid to get too close.

Anytime I've thought about Colby since the day Gemma was born, I would get this anxious feeling in my chest. It felt like I needed to go run around the block a few times. But then I'd remember how distant he was, and I'd get pissed off that I shared such an intimate moment with a man who wouldn't even return my text a week later.

I definitely haven't cried about it at 3am whilst trying to get my baby to bed.... I was fine.

This was fine.

It's fine.

Maybe I expected too much... maybe I was a fool, but it still hurt.

"Are we ever going to talk about the kiss?" I quickly asked without thinking and I could tell I caught him off guard.

He didn't answer fast enough so I snatched the boppy off the floor and walked towards my bedroom.

I was standing in my bedroom, stripping my old bedsheets from my bed when I heard Colby clear his throat behind me.

"What?" I asked, trying not to show my emotion behind the words, but I knew I didn't mask it as well as I intended to, which annoyed me.

"I didn't know we needed to talk about it" He said and I rolled my eyes, tossing the sheets into the laundry bin.

"Can you help me please?" I asked and he nodded, grabbing the other end of my bedsheet.

"What do you want to talk about?" He asked and I sighed.

"If you don't want to talk about it, we don't have to talk about it"

"But clearly you want to talk about it" He replied, helping me straighten out my white comforter.

"Well I just.. I'm sorry. I just, I guess, wanted to apologize?"

"Why do you sound unsure?" He laughed, helping me tug my comforter back up.

"I feel obligated to apologize"

"Why?"

"Because you didn't deserve to randomly be kissed"

"It's okay Leigh. I forgive you" He chuckled and I know I should feel relieved that he's just shrugging it off and being light hearted about it, but for some reason it stung just a little bit more than I would've liked.

"God I hate this comforter" I muttered, my hand running over the side closest to me, trying to get rid of a few of the wrinkles.

"Why?" He chuckled and I sighed, fluffing a pillow.

"Reminds me too much of a hotel, but they were cheap so" I shrugged and he nodded.

It was quiet for a moment, and I could tell Colby was in his head as he mindlessly folded one of my throw blankets.

"So... do you want to go to Italy with us?" Colby asked and I frowned, tossing the pillows on my bed.

"I don't know. That's a big ask... there's a lot to think about" I replied honestly and he nodded, but I could see a hint of sadness in his features as he replayed my words in his head.

I stared at him for a second, watching him stare at my bedding, seeming to be thinking.

"I understand.. I just thought I'd offer. I know you said your grandparents live over there"

I nodded, grabbing the last pillow from my bed, "Thank you for thinking of me, just... there is a lot to consider when you have a baby who depends on you. When do I have to give you an answer?" I asked, hating the look in his eyes.

He looked like a little boy who just got the worst news of his life, and it was hurting my empathic little soul.

I wanted to give in so bad, but I didn't know if I would be able to handle a long flight with a baby.

"You have time. Sam and I need to figure everything else out. We need to at some point book tickets, so just let me know"

"We have Waverly at the end of 2021 right?" I asked and he nodded. "I feel obligated to accept the ticket, and I feel guilty for it just being me. I feel like I have to bring my family along. It feels wrong not going with them. This isn't me wanting you to buy them a ticket, I'm just saying that I feel like I have to, but I also feel bad for going by myself. Plus the plane ride with Gemma.. I don't know.. it's a very generous, but big ask"

"I understand" He nodded and I sighed, feeling emotional.

I had an inner war going on in my head, weighing out the pros and the cons of his ask.

I heard Gemma start crying and I mentally groaned, knowing I needed to shove my problems deep down so I can go tend to her needs.

I picked up my daughter, my eyes catching sight of her pretty empty nursery.

Her bassinet was against the wall and there were a few boxes in the middle of the floor that held her clothes and things.

There was a tiny makeshift diaper changing station and a tiny trash bin..

Her room basically looked like she was unplanned and I was broke, which is both true.

It took about ten minutes to make her happy again and when I walked out with her in my arms, Colby's eyes immediately landed on her. "She's grown so much since I lost saw her"

"Yeah. She's changed quite a bit since she was born. I'm just glad she's out of the NICU"

Colby ended up staying over for dinner and he helped Gabe and I with the baby which was nice.

It was especially funny when he offered to change her diaper for the first time. There were definitely a lot of laughs as gross faces were made, but by the end, we had a happy, clean baby which is all that matters.

I started to keep in contact more with Sam and Colby, and they had come over a few times within the next week to hang out, but it's definitely been a lot harder since Gemma's gotten here.

With Christmas being right around the corner, as in a few days, it's been even more crazy.

My maternal instincts, if that's even what you want to call it, have started to kick in when it comes to capturing memories. I've been a little more crazy about taking photos or forcing my family to go with me to take her to Christmas Lights or looking at their neighborhood decorations.

I knew she wouldn't remember this Christmas, but I would, and I wanted to have good memories.

I wanted her first Christmas to be memorable.

Because she was born the day before Thanksgiving, I didn't really get to celebrate her first holiday, so I really wanted to go all out for Christmas.

On December 23rd, we all packed a bag and basically moved into my parents house for Christmas and it felt so nice to walk through their house and see it all decorated for Christmas.

My apartment was bare and depressing, but I was also broke and tired, so I really did appreciate all the effort my family but into their house for this fairly extravagant time of year.

Gabe and I went over to his parents house on the 22nd since they were planning to go out of town over Christmas. His family and I still weren't the best of friends, but we were all mature and kept our thoughts to ourselves as we hung out with Gemma and had a small get together.

Sam and Kat were currently in Kansas for Christmas, and Stas had gone back to Oregon, which meant I was spending Christmas with Colby.

Colby apparently goes to Brennen's for Christmas to stay out of the hustle and bustle of the airport during Christmas time, but this year he was coming to our house.

"Merry Christmas Leigh" Mom kissed my cheek, cooing at the car seat I was carrying in.

"Merry Christmas mom, do you know when Colby is going to get here?" I asked and she shook her head, my dad wandering into the entryway.

"Merry Christmas you two, well three! Speaking of, where is my granddaughter?" My dad asked and I held up the car seat that was housing my sleepy baby.

We were all hanging around in the living room, just catching up and passing the newest addition of our family around when the doorbell rang.

Lexi quickly sprung up to go answer it, letting in Colby.

"Merry Christmas Colby!" My mom called from the living room and I saw a smile creep up on his face as Lexi shut the front door. "Merry Christmas Mrs. Fox" he returned and I got off the couch to help him.

"Do you want the guest room upstairs or in the basement?"

"You have a basement?" He asked and I nodded.

"It's small. It has a bedroom and a bathroom down there and a like card table. It's kind of one big room that we put a bed in, and then of course the bathroom has walls" I laughed, my ears getting warm as I noticed I was rambling.

Colby ended up picking the guest room upstairs so Cynthia and Logan could have downstairs with Nova.

I let Colby go bring his bag to the room since I was still struggling a bit to walk up the stairs.

It has almost been a month since I have given birth to Gemma, but my body is still sore.

It was taking a long time to heal, which sucked, and I knew there were probably things I could do to speed this process along, but after spending 30 plus hours in labor with Gemma, all I wanted to do for the rest of eternity was sit on my ass or sleep.

My boobs still hurt from being sucked on for hours on end to the point I had to invest in nipple cream and pads.

I have yet to leak through a shirt since I was pretty strict on my pumping schedule, and Gemma nursed through the night.

She seemed to be cluster feeding at nighttime, and our peds doctor talked about it was probably a comfort thing for her.

She very frequently fell asleep on my chest during her short feeds, to the point I would start crying and panicking, afraid she was going to choke on milk, or not get enough air to her lungs from being plastered against my boob.

I was also still struggling with the Imposter Syndrome. I have my good and bad days, but I'm trying really hard to just trust the process.

I keep reminding myself that it takes time to adjust, and that I won't know all the ins and outs for a long time... but I still had thoughts in the back of my mind about how someone else could be so much better at this. So much more experienced... that Gemma deserved better.

"Merry Christmas Leigh" Colby said, getting ready to descend the stairs.

"Merry Christmas Cole" I gave him a soft smile, leaning against the rail of the stairs as he stood at the top.

"Thanks for having me" He gave me a quick hug before slipping past me, leaving me there against the rail.

Once Gemma was down for the night - hopefully, fingers crossed - Colby and I sat in the art room.

Colby was scrolling through Instagram and I was doodling on a sketchpad, both of us talking nonsense with each other when the door opened, Gabe walking in with a crying Gemma.

"I don't know what she wants" He said and I sighed, setting down the paper.

"Did you check her diaper?" I asked and he nodded, passing Gemma off to me.

"Can you grab my cover up? She might be hungry" I asked and he nodded, walking out of the room.

I started shushing Gemma, trying to calm her down as Colby started talking. "You know, it's weird to see you like this. Like I understand you were pregnant, and this is what happens next... just, It's weird to think about I guess"

"You were there when she was born" I laughed and he blushed a little which made my heart race a bit.

"I know, I know! It's just a weird concept. I understand that this is what happens next.. it's just weird to see you with a baby. Like this is your daughter. She's going to be connected to you forever. It's kind of weird to think about how I knew you for the whole pregnancy.. and now your almost one month old daughter is lying here in front of me. Like... I saw her little face on the sonogram... and now she's here.. in real life" He expressed, his eyes never leaving Gemma's tiny frame.

"Do you want to hold her?" I asked, Gemma's fairly loud cries piercing our ears a little bit.

"Um.. I don't think I'll be much help" He confessed and I chuckled, carefully getting up and handing him my baby.

"You never know. Maybe she just wants her uncle Colby" I smiled and he wrinkled his nose.

"I hate the way that sounds, stop" He muttered and I frowned.

"Still? I thought you'd be used to that idea by now?"

Colby shook his head, humming slightly as he rubbed Gemma's back.

I smiled softly when my girl's cries got softer, resisting the urge to capture this moment with my phone.

Live in the moment Leighton. Not every picture is worth having.

I instantly regretted scolding myself when I watched Colby lean down and kiss her forehead softly, adoration in his eyes as he stared at her.

He almost seemed to have heart eyes as he looked at my daughter, and it made butterflies in my stomach as I watched this rough and tough puppy dog looking man hold my small daughter bundled in pink, softly pressing kisses against her head.

"I don't know if I have the right to say this.... but I truly love this little girl Leigh. There is just something about watching her come into this world..... she just... she seems so innocent and precious. Untouched... she isn't broken.. or bruised... she doesn't know hurt.. or wrongfulness.. she's pure. She just... there is something about her that makes me want to hide her away from the world. Can she stay like this forever?" He asked and I felt my eyes get wet as I chuckled, nodding.

"I wish she could too, and I know what you mean"

"Leigh, your cover ups are in the wash from earlier" Gabe spoke, walking into the room, ruining this pure moment.

"Okay, she's stopped crying and is falling asleep in Colby's arms so I think we're okay. Is her bed set up in our room yet?" I asked and he nodded, taking a seat in my dad's chair.

"Nice to see you Colby, Merry Christmas" Gabe told my friend and Colby looked up, returning the greeting. "She seems to like you" Gabe noted, Colby nodding.

"I'm getting better at holding her" He gave us a small smile and I smiled back, now sitting in my own chair.

I was too immersed by the sight of Gemma and Colby to get back to my project at hand.

They just looked so comfortable and cozy, it almost made me jealous.

"She's so small Leigh" Colby said softly and I hummed in agreement, finally taking a photo of my daughter and one of my best friends bonding.

"She weighs almost 8 pounds? Around a month old, she should weigh 9 almost 10... but due to her sizing and prematurity, they aren't too concerned about it. I just have to make sure she's eating enough food when she's feeding"

"Well they said that she wasn't eating enough right? Cause of the clustering feeding?" Gabe asked and I nodded.

"Yeah, due to her cluster feeding, right now she's basically snacking. Not eating a whole meal. Hopefully her weight will get up. It sucks to know she's a bit underweight, makes me feel like I'm failing" I confessed and both of the boys looked up at me.

"You're not failing" They both said which made me roll my eyes.

"Just because you tell me something verbally, doesn't change my emotional reaction to the deep seeded feeling"

"I know, but I'm just saying... you're not failing" Gabe replied and I ignored him, knowing we won't agree with each other.

~

"Baby G, say mornin' to momma" I heard Gabe say, feeling a baby fist hit me in the face, causing me to wince. "Careful baby girl, we don't want to give momma a black eye" he chuckled and I scowled, popping an eye open to look at my baby daddy. "Morning Leigh"

"Mornin'" I mumbled, closing my eyes and peppering my baby's face in kisses.

"Good morning gorgeous" I murmured to the life I created, snuggling closer to her.

"Morning" I heard the smirk in my ex's voice which made me mentally roll my eyes "I wasn't talking to you" I muttered and I heard Gabe laugh.

"She's got a freshly changed diaper, I gave her a bottle. Everyone's downstairs. I know last night was rough for you, so I figured you could sleep in. Colby and Lexi made pancakes if you want them" Gabe informed me and I nodded, snuggling closer into my blankets.

I eventually got up and carried Gemma down the stairs with me, going slow since I didn't want to accidentally fall down the fairly steep steps.

Gemma was wearing a cute onesie that had reindeer on it, bundled in her baby blanket as I walked into the kitchen, hearing my whole family conversing with each other.

"Good morning girls" My dad greeted, and I smiled, handing him Gemma so I could dish up breakfast.

"Plans for today?" I asked, giving a small smile towards Colby, our eyes meeting before he looked away to give attention to Nova.

"Wrapping gifts, making some cookies... just hanging around the house I think?" Mom said and I glanced at her, confused.

"I thought we weren't doing gifts this year?" I asked and they all hummed.

"We aren't" Logan said and I eyed him.

"What do you all have up your sleeve?"

"Don't worry about it Leigh" Lexi muttered and I sighed, my mind racing with possibilities.

Our afternoon was pretty chill, we all hung out and watched movies, snuggled Gemma and just basked in the moment.

The fact that this was our girls first Christmas, none of us could honestly wrap our head around it.

We all kept talking about it as we each took turns snuggling her.

It was weird to think about myself as a mom, or my siblings as aunt and uncles, and my parents as grandparents.

My dad decided he was going to be called "Papa" and my mother went full Italian on our asses and wanted to be called Nonna.

Lexi, Landon, Cynthia, Colby and I were sitting on the ground at the coffee table playing a board game, listening to Christmas music whilst my parents made dinner.

My dad claimed December 24th as the day we got our Irish Christmas dinner which consisted of Roasted Turkey, and my mother got the 25th for her Italian meal Lasagna Bolognese.

"Honestly thank god for the coffee table or Nova would be walking all over this game board" Cynthia laughed.

"Sam and Kat said to say Merry Christmas, and want to know when we'll do friendsmas?" Colby asked, his phone in front of him on the table.

"Erm..." I mumbled, unsure of what to say. "Uh.. you guys can do it without me. So whatever works for you"

"Leigh, we want to include you"

"It's alright, honestly" I gave him a small smile, feeling guilty that I was too broke to buy everyone Christmas gifts.

"When are you and Baby G free?" Colby asked and I sighed, not wanting to talk about this in front of everyone.

"Roll the dice Lexi"

"Leigh, what's wrong?" Colby asked, Lexi tossing the die onto the board.

"Can we talk about this later?" I asked and he nodded.

Once we finished our board game, I was sitting in my room feeding Gemma when there was a knock on the door.

"Uh.. one sec!" I called out, scanning my room for the nearest thing to cover myself with.

"It's me, Colby" Colby announced and I cursed, not having anything to cover my boobs.

"Can you come back later?" I asked and I heard him sigh.

"Why?"

"I'm feeding Gemma, and I don't have a cover up" I called back and I heard a slight groan.

"Leigh, it's fine. I'm not going to stare at your chest. May I come in please so we can talk?" He asked and I groaned, leaning back against my headboard as the boppy rested on my thighs, my thighs sore from holding this position.

"Fine"

The door opened and Colby kept his eyes down which made me giggle.

"You can look up ya know"

"I didn't want to... okay" He sighed and he looked me directly in the eyes, standing in front of the now shut door. "What's wrong about doing Christmas with our friends?" He asked and I sighed, hating to always have the conversation that I can't afford to buy them extravagant gifts.

"I'm too broke to buy you guys designer stuff. I can't buy you guys things.. I just.. don't want to feel bad.. or make things awkward.. it's already awkward with just my family"

"Leigh, you don't need to get us stuff. We just want to spend time with you"

"Oh? Didn't know" I grumbled and he gave me a strange look.

"What do you mean?"

"You guys act like I'm not here. You were all gun ho through this pregnancy, but the second I popped a baby out of my vagina, it's like I don't exist. You invite me clubbing, forgetting that I have responsibilities. That I'm too tired to go do that. You want me to come over at absurd hours, or go have lunch when I can't... everything you guys want to do, I can't. I can't buy things, I can't go get drunk and party... it's like the second I had a baby, I was officially the mom, and now you guys don't respect me"

"We respect you" Colby quickly replied and I sighed.

"Okay, maybe respect isn't the right word... but you look at me differently. You even said yourself that it was weird. I feel like even though you're all older.. you look at me differently. Like I'm now this person you have to hide from when you party. Like I'm your mother.. I just.. I wanted to be friends? I wanted.. I don't know.. It just sucks. It sucks to know how much everything changed all because I gave birth. I know it's not all about me.. but like.. with Sam's birthday.. You either forgot about me, or sent me stuff and made me jealous. I just... I wanted to be there ya know? And I couldn't.. I was in the hospital with Gem, and I just.. it was lonely. It is lonely. I don't want to be alone"

"I'm sorry we made you feel that way, Leighton. I never intended for you to feel alone. I think we've all just been trying to give you space. We know how hard this has been for you.. and to be completely honest, it's been hard for us too. You're doing something none of us have even thought about. Katrina just moved into our house. That's the biggest step any of us have taken. You're a mom Leigh. I think we're all feeling a little intimidated. You seem almost too good for us now. I know that isn't true.. but I think we're inviting you clubbing.. because it's what we do. We go out and party.. and I'm sorry if it's making you have FOMO. We didn't intend for it to come across as look what you can't do now.. I'm really sorry that we unintentionally hurt you. We just are on two different playing fields now, and we need to find mutual ground"

"Can we maybe sit down later and figure out things we can all do? I hate how it feels like I'm losing everyone" I trailed off and he nodded.

"We can definitely do that. Now how about we go spend some time together now? I think your family is talking about going to the beach for a bit. Would you like to go?"

"Uh.. yeah. Let me just finish feeding Gemma and get ready. I'm sorry for being a drama queen" I apologized and he shook his head.

"Never apologize for making your feelings known Leighton. It's important to communicate. I never want a misunderstanding to come between our friendship, okay?"

"Okay" I nodded and he nodded back before walking out, closing the door behind him.

I let out a deep breath, trying to control my emotions.

"What are we going to do, baby girl? Do we think it's just the hormones? Or are we completely screwed?" I asked, slightly rubbing the apple of her cheek. "I don't know either baby.. I think we're damned if we do, and we're damned if we don't"

* * * *

Written on: June 16th, 24th, 25th 2022

Word Count: 6k

Part Two 

[mrs-nate-humphrey]

I am curious: what are your favorite scenes from your main ships (date, dair, derena...)?

scenes involving milo don't count, sorry!

for me, it's really not just scenes, but body language & just in general, how they are with each other, you know? dan and serena grin at each other and hug SO much, you can tell that being around each other in s1 made them both so happy, and even after that glow fades the way they look for comfort in each other... top level stuff. the way blair looks at dan... we never see her as radiant at any other point. she was not looking at anyone else like this. and gosh, dan and nate. they're both so comfortable around each other that there's absolutely nothing weird about like. discussing that one ex girlfriend whom they both share AND both were in love with. there is literally no other duo who trusts/enjoys each other's company so much that they're comfortable in a love triangle. (probably because they're more in love with each other than with the girl, but that is not the point. or is it?)

anyway, more specific answers. under the cut. this is one of the longest answers i've ever written on this blog possibly but you KNEW that would happen when you sent this ask, didn't you? (affectionate)

derena: i tagged one of my ds reblogs as 'the grumpy one is soft for the sunshine one' and like. look at them! this hug from 1x10 kills me in the best way. they are both the literal embodiment of :D when they see each other! i love 1x10 as a whole moment, their entire thing at cotillion is so sweet and they're both so happy. the fact that he is talking about his chemistry teacher during this kiss in 1x07. that bit at the end of 1x05 when they talk about their siblings (being there for their sibling because of fallible parents being a derena parallel makes me simultaneously really sad and really soft, tbh). 1x05 gives me SO MUCH SECONDHAND EMBARRASSMENT but the way they walk off together arms around each other does something to me - these are two people who are still getting to know each other but who really like what they see, and who trust each other and. are just having a good time together! back when derena was my OTP, the 1x11 "your story's about me?" was absolutely a fave, too, and i still adore it, albeit in a different, more nostalgic way. i like a dan who writes cute stories about serena. no empty shell sabrina van skoneker bullshit. she is so much like you, daniel! you'd be shattered if she did this to you. don't do this to her. tbh, most derena moments from s1 are just A+ romance. the bit in 2x02 in the jitney is so funny, they're SO bad at being exes. the bit in... 3x03 i think?? i don't remember... on the contrary. when they're talking about dan's fling w/ georgina and serena's relationship with carter, the ease with which they talk and how happy/supportive they are of each other's new relationships... yeah. love to see it.

i also really like any instance of them having honest/open conversations. 1x13, talking about how serena is concerned about blair. 1x08, serena talking to dan about feeling jealous of vanessa. this bit from the touch of eva or whatever that episode is. 4x04 i think. this is the conversation everyone is trying to get dan to have and he's avoiding EVERYONE else. derena interactions in 3x21 (can't find a gif right now) - the fact that dan is with serena when her dad abandons them, the fact that he goes all the way there with her. 2x07, "i'm really glad you're nate's friend. he really needs someone like you right now" (though i'm cheating, that's technically a d/n moment too klhdflkgf). there's a bit in s4 where he's advising her against having an affair w/ colin, i don't remember the ep number, but the way he takes her side so easily and naturally and puts due blame/responsibility solely on her professor... yeah. 4x10 i think this ep is?? idk. but like my tags say, im sentimental about this moment because while what dan was doing was irresponsible, sneaking her out of the ostroff, he was the only person in this episode who was actually talking to her and listening to her and taking her seriously. nobody else was doing that!!

i probably have more moments i'm not remembering, but we're only 1/3 into this answer and LOOK AT THE WORDS, good lord, i'm sorry.

dair: my favourite dair episode is hands down despicable b (5x21) which i have heard is an uncommon answer. i just love the conflict resolution of it all, okay!!! 1x04 & 2x08 are like. standard answers any dair shipper will give, and i'm no different. i love dan being able to give blair advice and blair actually taking his advice even though they're not friends yet!!! be right back, yelling at the intimacy of it all!! 5x16, with their getting together (this little kiss and dan being so startled by it), blair admitting a flaw she genuinely does have and dan saying it's not awful because it's her, which is just. romance at its finest. those vows, good lord. 5x18.... they're having fun! blair showing up at the loft in lingerie for dan... the delight on her face.... (i know this moment blows up in their face but when she's there she looks so happy and proud of herself and this was like THE moment when i was like. oh. dair is really the heart of this garbage show huh).

i think for me, the thing that really sells dan & blair together is the serena of it all. both of them love serena more fiercely than anyone else, and that is what brings them together. (fwiw i definitely think nate loved serena this much and this deeply, too; the writers just wanted to pop the serenate balloon, which even i think was extremely unnecessary and ooc.) but (& i have so much meta about this) their relationship grows beyond serena. their entire s4 arc is SO good. i love how comfortable around each other they are, in such an adult way, in the sense of like. they both bring so much stability to each other? morgan tagged this edit "the marrieds" and like. yeah. b offers to help him shave. they're having breakfast & reading the paper together.

all the love declarations we got that weren't a simple 'i love you.' be your charming wonderful self (how could she not love you/ tell me what would make you happy, dan) i told chuck he doesn't have my heart anymore (you spent your life earning the keys to set you free when you were free all along!!!!) dan's pep talk to blair in 5x21 (already linked a gifset earlier, here's another one if you want i guess). there's definitely more... but honestly, the way the dair arc was executed was so good - while i do have my complaints, i also think keeping those aside, it was SO close to perfect. i love dan & blair's banter and gradually becoming closer and closer and closer. it felt very organic and real and GOSH. the way penn & leighton looked at each other while playing dan and blair...... it's just SO MUCH.

date: this is the hardest, because it's. *screams*. maybe you saw me losing my mind over those 2 seconds of nate handing dan a waffle? i love almost every scene with these two, even the hellish s6 breakup scene. my favourite episode for d/n (& also favourite gg episode in general) is 2x06 - i love the homoerotic subtext of it all. nate pretending to be dan because dan's name is the first name that came to his head. dan flirting w/ nate while tied to that thing, in his underwear. them becoming friends. and 2x07 as a follow-up to that! dan getting nate to live in the loft with the humphreys for a while. i am so soft.

4x09 is a terrible episode in general, especially for serena my beloved, but the d/n moments in that one? off the CHARTS. this weird overly macho flirting, in some ways THE most iconic d/n line. this entire finish each other's sentences nonsense. someone (i think it was ana but im not sure?) compared the energy of those scenes i just linked to the book blairenate love triangle resolution, blairena choosing each other over nate in the books, date choosing each other over serena in the show (if only! RIP.) after the saints & sinners ball, this cute little moment of 'youre the only one who understands me. please tell me they went home together. i mean. how could they not have.

3x07, them watching vampire porn together. a tag i used on ao3 (& also on here, once) is 'nate brings out the himbo in dan'. here is a prime example. 'is she levitating?' i don't fucking know, dan, what do you think?? (i was telling my partner that that's what i love abt dair vs date. around blair dan is an intellectual, a librarian, an art historian, a museum curator. around nate it's like dan is competing to be #1 himbo on the show. can my girlfriend actually fly? i don't know, dan. i can't believe you're seriously asking such a question.)

3x12 pep talk. (sorry about the shitty quality!) essentially nate telling dan that he (dan) is hot and that he shouldn't talk himself down so much.

dan making nate gay in his book. you know. his book from which blair found out he was in love with her. nads (who i will not tag in this billion word long gushy meta, because i value her sanity) once called inside "wish fulfilment' and. i mean. yeah

nate checking dan out at the derena wedding continues to be hilarious. hilarious in the same way as dan sexually fantasising about nate. canon really went 'let's give ivy some special easter eggs' and i appreciate them a lot!

i love the way they are around each other - so quietly attuned to each other. i showed my sister my date!husbands gifset, and she was like. yeah they're so married. and it's just stuff like how dan looks for nate over his shoulder, it's not even an active action, it's as easy and natural and intuitive as breathing, checking to see if nate is still there.

oh, that wasn't as hard as it could've been! okay. cool. im SURE there's more things i could scream about, because it's DN, the fact that they're non-canon makes me THAT much fiercer about them than dair/derena, to be honest. so many dots to connect!! anyway.

[riveir]

an explainer on the politician & river’s canon.

because there aren’t a lot of writers for these characters ( which i’m not complaining about here; i love and sometimes prefer crossover / au situations ! ) i’m just writing this up as a little guide for anyone wondering about river & his canon universe and all that, and maybe it can be helpful when it comes to plotting or at the very least just understanding river & his background (: a more detailed biographical timeline of events that spans river’s entire life can be found here under “biographical timeline.” all of this is really focused on river & his role as a character, and is not all encompassing as far as all the shows characters and plotlines. please don’t hesitate to reach out with any other questions! trigger warnings for the content under the cut: mental health, depression, suicide / suicide attempts, & gunshot / guns ( though if you would like any other content tagged PLEASE reach out; river’s canon does deal with very heavy topics and while it isn’t always present in writing and plotting here, it is obviously featured in this discussion of his media and i want to make sure this is tagged as thoroughly as possible for the comfort of those who might see this on the dash )

BASIC PLOT.

the politician is a satirical drama / comedy that begins centered around payton hobart, an ambitious high school student dead set on being elected student body president of saint sebastian high school. he sees a successful campaign for student body president as the key to getting into harvard and kickstarting a career in politics that will lead to his election to the office of president of the united states. the campaigning and election process at saint sebastian is satirically intense and complicated. conflict begins when river barkley announces a plan to run against payton, presenting an obstacle in what had otherwise seemed like a clear path.

RIVER’S FAMILY & BACKGROUND.

the barkleys live in santa barbara, california in a large and opulent home. his father works for goldman sachs, and his mother is, essentially, a socialite. the wealthy families in their santa barbara neighborhood, particularly parents of children attending saint sebastian’s, exist in a very stereotypically wasp-y / upper-class social circle. while his mother spends much of her time attending and planning and hosting gatherings with those in their circle, river’s father is often kept busy by work and travel. from the time river was about a year and a half until he was about ten years old, the barkleys lived in shanghai as a result  of his father’s job. they care deeply about their son and try their best to offer help and support when they become aware of the severity of his mental health struggles, though they are a bit misguided and don’t exactly provide the personal support themselves that he truly needs. they have an idea of who they would like their son to be, and raising him to fit that mold often at least appears to be their priority in parenting, and being open and allowing river to be open about his struggles is not a part of that formula. they want him to attend stanford and lead a life very similar to his parents. river’s struggles with emotional connection stem from his relationships with both of his parents, who operate at an emotional distance the majority of the time and place appearance over authenticity; much of the people in his life behave similarly, leaving river feeling disconnected and overwhelmed by the emotions he feels that he cannot share or process with hardly anyone else. river best describes the root his inner turmoil: “i feel everything. there just wasn’t enough positive emotion to balance me out.”

IMPORTANT RELATIONSHIPS.

payton hobart : river and payton first become officially acquainted in the spring of their sophomore year, when he is hired by payton’s mother, georgina, to be his mandarin tutor. at this point, river has been dating astrid sloan for several months. however, during the listen the two easily and quickly connect on an emotional level, and the vulnerability he sees from payton is the first time anyone in his life has ever shown him something like that, and that kind of authenticity is something he had been desperately craving essentially his entire life. the superficiality in his relationships only contributed to his constant feelings of loneliness, and the disconnect he felt from the people in his life, and having someone fill that void was exciting and eye-opening and, for a while, as a saving grace. he and payton begin seeing each other in secret as their tutoring sessions continue, and the relationship and their other sporadic meetings last for a little over a year, though things taper off when payton begins dating alice charles. when payton finds out that river has begun a campaign for student body president (at the direction of astrid, who says it is his best shot at getting into stanford, which is where his parents have been pushing for him to attend), he becomes furious with river and threatens to tell the entire school they had sex if he takes the election away from him. payton is the last person to see river alive, and river’s last words are telling payton he was sorry, and that he really did love him.

astrid sloan : river and astrid begin dating in the winter of their sophomore year of high school, several months before river begins tutoring payton. river genuinely cares for astrid and does truly love her, but his struggle to get her to be open and authentic with him becomes increasingly frustrating and contributes to his feelings of disconnect and despondency. river, in his words, ‘feels everything,’ and to be surrounded by people ( but perhaps especially his girlfriend ) who don’t seem to feel much of anything makes it even more difficult to feel like he’s keeping his head above water. she admits she fakes it during sex, and tells river it is her way of trying to help him become the man she knows he can be; she is actively trying to mold him into someone just like his parents, and exerts influence over him whenever she can. river tells her about his trysts with payton soon after they begin, and astrid approaches payton to facilitate a threesome. they rent a hotel room, but astrid gets upset while they’re making out and retreats into the bathroom; she finally lets river in with her after he knocks for a few minutes, and when they re-emerge, they leave together. there is love between them, even if the dynamic is complex and if river isn’t always sure where she stands, emotionally. after river’s death, she takes his place on the ticket to run against payton.

river is generally well-liked by the student body as a whole; he is unfailingly kind and polite to everyone, and between involvement in student government ( first as new student outreach chair ), drama club, and athletics, he gets to know a very large percentage of them.

CANON EVENTS TIMELINE.

this encompasses only the events within the canon timeline involving river. a full biographical timeline that is much more detailed about these and other events that incorporate more headcanon-based things can be found on this page.

[  3 / 22 / 2018 .  ]    eighteen months before they both run for student body president, river begins tutoring payton hobart in mandarin. they share a kiss during his first lesson, and continue a more or less sporadic secret relationship from then on with an intense emotional connection.

[  9 / 30 / 2018 .  ]    about a year before the first election debate, river attempts suicide while home alone one afternoon after lacrosse practice. he panics at the last minute and does not go through with it, struck with fear of dying alone. he confides in his parents who place him in therapy but ask him to keep what happened and what he was going through between the family.

[  9 / 10 / 2019 .  ]    payton finds out that river is running against him for student body president and he storms into the barkley mansion and enters without warning just after astrid had left for a surfing lesson, furious with river for running and threatening to reveal to the school that they had had sex. before payton’s arrival, river was alone in the house, and payton unknowingly interrupts / stops what was almost river’s second suicide attempt in the study.

[  9 / 15 / 2019 .  ]    river confesses to the entire student body that he attempted suicide a year prior in an emotional speech at the first election debate. the revelation shocks everyone, including both astrid and payton.

[  9 / 17 / 2019 .  ]    river announces skye leighton as his running mate in the election, on astrid’s advice that it would be his best shot at winning. payton again rushes to river’s home and comes inside, finding river in his room. payton is furious at the selection, telling river that astrid is just trying to gain power for herself by manipulating river’s campaign, and that she is trying to ruin payton’s chances at winning (and, thus, his dream future) because she is jealous of him and river. river is visibly emotional, and after responding telling payton he really did love him, commits suicide by gunshot.

all of these events are covered in the first episode of the series; river’s appearances in following episodes are when payton imagines & speaks to his ghost, acting as a manifestation of his conscience or, as river describes it, payton’s “shadow.”

[inayatnaz]

Yeah, it's her, Queen B from the Upper East side. For all those who didn't get that reference, she is a critically acclaimed part of Manhattan's elitist. So, this time I've tried to make an exception to the candids and the pretty smiles, to talk about someone who might have just partly become my new role model, if that makes sense.

                 Blair Cornelia Waldorf, portrayed by the beautiful, Leighton Meester, is not only a fitting example of the idiom "Beauty with brains", but also a driven, strong-willed woman with an impeccable taste in fashion. She has a flair for dramatic irony throughout the series, which when clubbed with her intelligence account for her title - Queen B. Many might claim, that all she is, is an uptight bitch who wants everyone to dance to her tune, making sure her word is final and binding. Not going to disagree with y'all on that, but is it that wrong to want to be like her? Maybe in an ideal world it is possible to be pleasing and street smart at the same time but does that apply to reality as well? I would like to make sure everyone understands that I don’t think she is perfect. Hell, no one is. After all, she is just a character in a TV sitcom. However, she is empowered, sophisticated and a virago in my eyes. All that, in an ideal sitcom, yes. But, the Upper East side isn’t an alternate universe. It’s a different world, with the same teenage goof ups, the same maddening society, the same conventional parents and the same crazy situations- with just a few million dollars.

                      Ignoring the digressions and coming back to the point. Yes, being self-righteous is not actually wrong. You see, no one gives a fuck about you. They really don’t. If family did, there wouldn’t have been any old age homes and orphanages and if friends did, well, most of you know Instagram better than I do so I guess you can figure that one out. Yet, I don’t really believe this statement just like many of you don’t. I believe friends and family can get you through any circumstance faced by mankind. So now when we’ve come to conclusion that people around you actually do care, why are we like this? Why are most of us hiding behind facades of flawless feeds or walls? Again, like I said it’s true for most of us, not all of us. For those who aren’t a part of the ‘most’, congratulations, you’ve already understood the point of this post, so you can scroll down. To all the others, let’s continue. To survive this century as a mature adult, you need to be street smart, the intellect of sweet fox will do, if you can imbibe that from somewhere. It’s not just about putting up a tough front and being a narcissistic bitch, it’s about realising what you want in life.  Life is beautiful, but didn’t someone once say ‘beauty lies in the eye of the beholder’?

                                               Now Blair here, is also delusional and adding to the misery, she is a hopeless romantic, which would work great for Cinderella, Ariel or Bella maybe. It did ultimately work out for Blair too but then we have the writer of this rant, sugar-coating her miseries but oh well! In the 18th year of my life on this Earth I’ve realised that being only humble never gets you anywhere. I mean you gain everlasting friendships, a little praise here and there and then…. nothing. I’ve realised that if someone belittled me right in front of my face, I wouldn’t even be able to retaliate. Hell, the other day I couldn’t even ask for the money one of my friends had borrowed when she had mistakenly forgotten to give it back. Anyway, that’s beside the matter at hand. It’s important to voice out your needs because no one gets premonitions these days and even if they did, its your fucking requirement. You also can’t expect stuff from people. Expectations from the people of this world should be equal to none, zilch, nada. Not because some of them are malevolent to the core but because presumptions lead to goof ups. See, you get one life (I may be wrong), so live it like its your last. Love yourself, even if you think no one else does. Struggle for what makes you happy. For some, having no alterations in their love lives since birth may also be a struggle. So what if your parents are only ones you exchange ‘I love you’s with? So what if your crush doesn’t like you back? He’s no Harry Styles and you’ll get better options. Don’t know when but, soon. You’ll be just fine without a certain him/her.  Fairy-tales aren’t possible because well, life is a race but then maybe your fairy-tale is in you being content with what you have struggled to achieve. This struggle might change you; it may transform you into a mutation of Blair Waldorf but hey, it isn’t that bad. You fought the right battles. You said the right ‘yes’ and right ‘nos. You gave the perfect comebacks. You were sassy with the mean girl of your college when she bullied your best friend. You were classy in front of the audience as you debated for your team. You were diplomatic when the interviewer snatched the ball from your court and turned the questions from easy to difficult. You stood your ground when your dad said ‘no’ and made sure he said ‘yes’ for same course after one week. You worked day and night for 3 years, irrespective of the sarcastic jibes of classmates and the forbidden pleasures to make your dreams come true. Sometimes you lied, misinformed, hid and backstabbed many as well. Of course, you’re sorry and the sentiment counts. But now see how you’re important and that past in the past. Blair transformed yours truly into a more cheeky and unrepressed version of herself so I’d advice you to go watch some Gossip Girl and learn some life lessons.  Ending this on a beautiful yet very priggish dialogue by Blair herself, “Destiny is for losers. Its just a lame excuse for letting things happen to you instead of making them happen” Also, sorry for the long caption, I hope it wasn’t much trouble and I hope you liked it. (Some habits die hard :))  

                                                                                                                      XOXO, yours truly.          

[relaxandlaughatyourself]

Mini Recap of Ika’s IG Live 5/29/18

She was so happy and positive, glowing and laughing throughout. 

Says she missed doing lives with us, they’re fun. She said she’ll do more.

She only remembers things if Dem said them but she can’t remember anything else.

She’s going to see afia_beauty later this week and she’s going to get makeup tips and such from her so she looks better on video, in pics and at events.

Next week she’s doing the last treatment for that facial.

She thanks us for support of the channel. She said her and Dem talked about maybe getting 5k subscribers in a year and a half and 15k views on each video if they’re lucky, they just want to have fun with it. She can’t believe it and they really appreciate it.

She has good news coming up.

Talks about how she bought a kids size small of a shirt from Jully Black and it is so small lol

She says that when Dem came to Toronto they had so much fun. They tell people that they’ll hang out but then they seclude themselves because they don’t have much time together. She says that Dem didn’t even give the kids a chance when racing them. Ika says the baseball game was so much fun and he loved it.

Dem is doing really good with real estate. They knew he would be doing well but not this busy or doing this well so quickly. It was a slow start and it’s hard work. She’s so proud of him. She talks about how incredible his work ethic is, he put in so much work.

She says they didn’t have time for some things while he was in Toronto because they talk so much and then go out to dinner and such and then don’t have time for other things like Canada’s Wonderland and such.

Dem still has the red car as well as the truck and now he has the new car. The truck is bad on gas and the new car is more “real estate”.

Says Elijah broke her ring light and she’s waiting for the bulb to be back in stock.

Regarding the prank video, she watched it again and it has a lot of background noise and she feels so bad about it because Dem was so sad. Dem was devastated; 10 minutes after she told him he was still sitting with tears in his eyes. The next day they had dinner and he was still emotional thinking about it. It affected him so much. She said during the prank she would run to the bathroom to laugh and that made it more believable because that’s her personality, if she can’t tell him something to his face she’ll hide or text it to him. Dem said the prank got to him so much because “the thought of losing her killed him”.   They don’t know if it’ll be posted.

They did say that they wouldn’t do pranks for their channel because they don’t want to walk into situations and question if the other is being genuine.  

Dem is golfing.

Talks about the new season of Basketball Wives, she loves Evelyn and will always defend her. She doesn’t mind Tami but she’s team Evelyn.

Someone asks if she’s single “No. I guess you haven’t seen my IG page, it doesn’t scream single.”

Someone asks if they would apply for amazing race and she says not at this point in their lives, but never say never.

“Would you do bbcan all stars?” Her initial response is no but never say never. She said she doesn’t have as good connections with others as other HGs and it wouldn’t be a fun experience.

Josh is in the chat. Leighton is in later on too.

Talks about the BB people on Amazing Race and she can’t wait to watch and cheer for Josh. Ika talks about what a great person Josh is.

Dem and her recorded one other video (the nugget challenge) but it got deleted; Dem was so mad. He ate 40 nuggets and she ate 12. They were so busy just being together and they didn’t record any other videos but they’ll think of something and put something out.  

Talks about her hair and how it’s become really brittle lately. Someone says that men don’t like wigs and she says she doesn’t care as long as her man is okay with it. 

Time ran out. She thanks us for the support. In the next live she wants us to remind her to ask her about what she wanted advice on (she meant to ask our advice on something but forgot).

[esandcasg]

Chapter 6: Smell of Fear

I sat on a rocky outcrop on Sia Kangri, taking a moment to absorb the stunning view of the sun setting over the Karakoram range in front on me. Pakistan lay directly ahead, Tajikistan to the left. It was like walking down Highbridge Road in Aylesbury, a joke that my dad would probably be proud of. The jagged snowcapped peaks extended what appeared to be endlessly into the distance, the sun setting behind them casting a shadow into the mountain mist that had started to roll in during the last hour.

I squinted against the harsh, low light, my head throbbing somewhat due to the altitude and dehydration after a day’s climbing. I looked away from the panorama in front of me, my focus eventually landing on the ridge that I just scaled. The first ridge in what would be a groundbreaking sequence, and the start of the Gasherbrum traverse. I let out a small frustrated sigh as Andrew and Ifan finally appeared from behind a small rise that lay about sixty meters away.

Temperatures were dropping and I felt the cold slowly seeping into my sedentary muscles. I stood up and tried to shake my limbs a bit, encouraging some blood flood and warmth through my extremities. Ifan’s fingers would soon be transparent. I looked down at my Garmin Fenix 6 and checked the elevation, then compared this to the GPS reading from my Samsung Galaxy Z Fold2 (*product placement oppos for the future film franchise). We were just above 6000m, some 1400m from the peak of Sia Kangri. After scaling this climb we would drop down into the valley and take on the next one in the sequence. Whatever Andrew decided it to be.

The combined sounds of boots crunching on gravel and wheezing grew louder, and I turned to see Andrew and Ifan arrive. I picked up my bag.

“Okay, shall we go?” I asked eagerly.

“Fuck off,” replied Andrew bluntly.

Resigned to being here for a while longer, I sat back down and got the latest Jack Reacher novel out of my bag, accepting what would be a fairly unspectacular addition to the franchise, much like most things Tom Cruise touches these days.

I noticed Ifan scanning the area. “Maybe this isn’t a bad area to set up camp for the night?” He asked.

“Yeah,” agreed Andrew. “We can’t get over the summit and back down in low light anyway, so best to wait here until day break.”

I let out another sigh. If only these guys had committed to the same cycling based training schedule that I had. I needed Johnny here to push the pace, but the issue would be that he would then invite himself along to the Sia Kangri tavern later that evening.

Outvoted two-to-one, I acquiesced and started to unpack the base camp tent, a huge 50 foot diameter circular dome that would house our mess and sleeping quarters for the night, along with kitchen, washing facilities, jacuzzi and toilets. The latter wouldn’t be used by Andrew, of course.

Half an hour later we had camp set up, and Ifan and I went about preparing supper for the evening. Ifan hooked up his small Sony speakers, something of a tradition as they had accompanied us on numerous trips, including Swanage and Tanzania. Back then they gave a low quality, tinny type feel to the music, but a series of recent firmware updates had led to them to produce a high quality sound, worthy of any Bose flagship range. Ifan put on his favourite Christmas tune – East 17’s Stay Another Day – and cranked up the bass, the resulting vibrations creating an avalanche that fell down the face of the mountain, taking some goat herders with it.

“Where’s Andrew?” I asked Ifan, whilst preparing some freshly caught mountain lake lobster.

“He’s outside having a FaceTime with Ribet,” He replied.

“Again?”

“Yup, still catching up on homework from sixth form French,” he explained.

I crept over to the base camp door and listened intently on the conversation outside.

“Oui, j'écoute Radio Authentique. Oui, j'ai noté les nouveaux mots et expressions,” I heard him say, courtesy of Google Translate.

Happy that he seemed absorbed in his latest bollocking, I headed back over and rejoined Ifan.

“Okay, tell me.” I began.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, is Andrew still oblivious to the plan? Is he buying what you are telling him? You’ve spent the whole day walking with him, so you must have something to update me on.”

“I…” Ifan began, before stopping. I looked at him. Conflict was etched all over his face.

“What is it?” I asked

“I can’t do this.”

“Sure you can,” I said. “Who knows, you might like it.”

“Adam, this is your fucking wake-up call, man. We can’t do this to Andrew.”

I turned and faced him, pointing the chopping knife at his face. “It was you who agreed to this deal with Craven, not me.”

Our conversation was stopped instantly by the sound of a blast outside, coupled with Andrew shouting. Ifan and I looked at each other, before turning and sprinting for the exit. Learning from Jimmy Hill on sports day all those years ago, I stuck my chin out and pipped Ifan to the line, subjecting him to yet another “L” that he would be reminded of for the next 25+ years.

Bursting out into the fresh mountain air we were met with Andrew sitting on the floor, his back to a rock. Bits of a smashed smartphone lay everywhere.

“Get down!!” Screamed Andrew, pointing down the ridge. Partially hidden behind the same small rise that I watched Andrew and Ifan scale just twenty minutes ago was a large silver metallic robot. It had a round bulbous head with a series of optics and lights all the way around, and five manipulator arms underneath. It seemed to hover over the ground instead of standing firmly on it.

A red laser blast erupted from the robot, which impacted in the ground between Ifan and I. As ice and rock particles sprayed all over us, we dove behind the same rock that Andrew was using for cover.

“What the hell is that thing?” Shouted Andrew.

“It’s one of Craven’s probe droids,” replied Ifan, his hairy face covered in snow and ice in a comical fashion.

Andrew reached into his bag and drew out his laser blaster that he had constructed in physics, a device that ultimately had been used to save the life of Leighton from terrorists in the 1997 Sir Henry Floyd Grammar School Science Block Terror Attack. Why he bothered, I don’t know.

Andrew charged the weapon and stood, sending a series of blasts towards the droid.

He missed.

He ducked back down as it fired back. I felt the impact in the rock on my back, and the three of us were covered in shards of black and brown phyllite. Andrew stood once more and fired through the cloud of dust and gunpowder smoke. The red laser blast hit the ground near the droid.

It exploded. Even from sixty meters I felt the heat of the blast on my face, as a ball of fire was launched into the twilight before dispersing.

Ifan and I stood slowly, standing shoulder to shoulder with Andrew, looking down the ridge.

“I didn’t hit it,” Andrew explained. “It must have self-detonated.”

We were all thinking the same thing, but no one wanted to say it.

Eventually Ifan spoke up. “Craven knows we are here.”

Andrew threw the smoking laser gun onto his bag, ran over to the tent and started pulling tent pegs out of the ground.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

“What does it look like?” Andrew shot back. “We can’t stay here.”

By now it was almost completely dark, and the night winds – something renowned in this part of the world and not just made up as I wrote that sentence – were picking up.

“Think about it, they are not going to send anyone up now, not in these conditions. We’ll pack up early and leave at first light.”

Andrew seemed to relax somewhat. He placed the pegs back in the lush grass. “Ribet is going to be pissed though, my phone got hit by the initial blast.”

As Andrew and Ifan headed back into the tent, I stared back down at the smoking probe droid, wondering if I could trust my own advice. What was Craven doing? Had he altered his plans? Why send a droid when we were following his instructions? Things started to blur and I struggled to recollect our last conversation. It felt like… like…

My mind started wandering.

*

I had woken slowly, becoming aware of sounds and movement around me. I had the feeling of being cold. Of being in a dark, damp room, almost claustrophobic in nature, with the roof pressing down on me.

As I became more conscious, pain shot through my body. It felt like there wasn’t a square inch that wasn’t stimulating pain receptors and shooting them through my nervous system. But my hip was the worst. It felt like I’d woken in the middle of surgery. I reached down and touched the epicenter of the pain, my fingers feeling something warm and sticky. I lifted my hand to inspect it and was somewhat relieved to see it was blood and nothing more suspect. What was going on? I lifted my head and noted that I appeared to be in some sort of cave. I exhaled sharply, my breath fogging in front of me in the cold air.

A man stood with his back to me on the other side of the cavern, seemingly oblivious to my now regained consciousness. He wore an apron over old mountaineering clothes, transfixed by something on the bench in front of him. He clocked movement behind him and turned.

“Ah, you are awake,” he said in a thick French accent.

As he turned I saw that it was one of those novelty aprons with a picture of 6-pack-abs and a stuck on cock’n’balls.

I tried to get up, but an excruciating blast of pain shot through my head. I cried out, and he rushed over and pushed me back onto the table that I had been laying on, the apron cock draped flaccidly over my shoulder like a scene from a stag do on Mallorca.

“Where am I?” Was all I could manage, panic flaring. My brain was thick, thoughts seemingly taking a long time to process. But most worryingly I couldn’t remember anything.

“You have had an accident, you fell off K2,” he began, before showing me a small round metallic item, about the size of a AAAA battery. “A map of the Himalayan mountains, why was it in your hip?”

He proceeded to press a button on the device and the famous peaks and other landmarks were projected onto the wall on the cave. These I just about managed to drag out of the depths of my submerged memory. Except there seemed to be a series of lines connecting the peaks, nothing that I had seen before or had any memory of.

“Why do you have this?” He asked again. Blood pumped in my ears. The coppery taste of adrenaline filled my mouth. I tried to get back up again.

“You need rest,” he said, trying to push me down once more, but this time coming up against more resistance. “I am your friend. Who are you? What is your name? What’s your name?”

“I don’t know,” I answered honestly. “Oh God,” I managed, before collapsing back on the bed.

The walls of the cave spun and everything went black.

After I regained consciousness again, he had introduced himself to me – as with all French men – as Jean-Claude, and helped nurse me back to some sort of health over the next two weeks. He explained that he had found me at the base of the hockey stick gully on K2, having fallen what he thought was a long way, judging by my appearance and scuffed up green Arc’teryx jacket. He’d brought me back to his man-cave, just off the Negrotto Pass, and patched me and my jacket up, but couldn’t guarantee the same level of water-tightness and breathability as before. What he was doing here, I had no idea. He said ordinarily he was captain on a fishing trawler in the Mediterranean, 60 miles off the coast of Marseille to be exact. But I didn’t press it any further.

Asides from the headaches that refused to die down, I started to feel well again and eventually got around to the question that I had been dreading asking.

“How long was I unconscious?”

He blew out his cheeks. “About three years.”

My knees went weak momentarily. “Three years?” I repeated, shocked.

“I’m just joking, just a few hours.”

I had spent the next few days and the last of our time together perusing maps of K2, desperately trying to discover who I was and what had happened to me. Eventually, I found a lead.

“I think that if you found me here,” I said pointing to a spot on the map, “based on the winds and the glacier current at the time, it means that I must have fallen from the bottleneck.”

I once again projected the map onto the wall. “And these lines, I think they are tunnels. I think I was trying to find this one on K2 that runs to the bottleneck.”

He considered my theory for a moment before nodding.

He’d offered to drive me up to The Shoulder at 8000m. That was as far as he could take me, but it was only a short walk from the car park up to the bottleneck at that point. As he struggled to find a parking spot - and had scoffed at the £5 charge anyway - I jumped out of the car and had shaken his hand.

He handed me the apron. “It’s not much, but it will get you to where you need to go.”

“Thanks for everything,” I had said, accepting his offer, before turning towards the bottleneck. I took a deep breath and set off.

*

The next morning, we had set off at first light. I am still not sure what time of the year this story is set, so that could either 4am or 7am depending on what season we are talking about here. But either way, there’d been a slight delay as we had to wait for Ifan to take his latest in a long line of topless selfies, in order to satisfy his 1.2m followers on Instagram @rippedmountainman.

But finally we were ready, and influencer sponsors were satisfied. We scaled the remaining 1400m of Sia Kangri in just a few hours - barely even acknowledging the summit - and started making our way down the razor thin ridge that would lead us down towards the Abruzzi Glacier, where we would take the next peak. We reminded ourselves that we weren’t here for peak bagging, but instead were on a diplomatic mission.

After descending approximately one thousand meters (my Garmin had packed in so I wasn’t completely sure) we stopped for our first break, just as the path dropped down onto the side of the ridge and ran across the traverse. High walls on one side, a two thousand meter drop on the other. In between was a narrow path just half a meter wide in places. Andrew had christened it ‘Liam’s Tramline’.

We all felt it wise to recharge before attempting this technical traverse, so Andrew fired up his snow-melter and presented us with tea in custom made cups – foam inner and plastic outer. They were made from recycled mountaineering boots, giving the tea a certain sweaty sock aftertaste, though contained critical electrolytes. It tasted pretty good.

Rehydrated and recharged, we stood up to set off once more, slinging out rucksacks over our shoulders.

Ten meters onto Liam’s Tramline, I raised a gloved hand to the rock wall next to me to balance myself. I turned momentarily to check the progress of Ifan behind me when the rock by my fingertips exploded

I stumbled back a step in surprise, almost losing my footing on the narrow passageway. But then the sound caught up and finally hit us; the crack of a high velocity sniper rifle that reverberated around the mountain valley after the initial sound waves.

“Sniper!” I shouted, turning once more to Ifan. He stood with a confused look on his face, one usually reserved for seeing a girl naked in his 20s. I ran at him and bowled him over. As we fell backwards, the next slug hit his rucksack, spraying couscous granules and bits of cucumber all over us. We landed in a heap on the floor, partially protected by a rock. I rolled off him and scurried over to the rock, hopefully giving full cover or at least making myself as small a target as possible. Ifan joined me.

“Where’s Andrew?” Ifan asked. I looked around. Andrew was already in action, not yet on to Liam’s Tramline, he raced towards us, simultaneously sliding behind the rock whilst drawing his rifle from his bag. Not only did he have an army camp bed, but all the moves too.

For the second day running we found ourselves taking cover behind a rock as someone took aim at us. How can the same shit happen to the same guy twice?

“Another probe droid?” Andrew asked.

“No, this is different.” Ifan replied, licking the lost bits of couscous up from the ground. “I think it’s one of Craven’s Bounty Hunters.”

“Where is he?” Andrew had asked.

I dared to peer over the top of the rock. About one hundred meters away was a ridge. I saw a muzzle flash, and quickly dipped down below the rock as the round slammed into the rock where my head had been just a moment ago.

“He’s on that rise,” I said. “He obviously waited until we got onto Liam’s Tramline as he knew we’d be sitting ducks here. Lay down some suppressing fire and I will try and draw him out.”

I reached into my bag, but realised I was only carrying my 15 litre daypack, and Ifan was carrying the rest of my crap in his 257 litre backpack. He handed me my assault rifle, but I saw that it had taken the biggest impact from the couscous explosion and was now useless. I would have to settle for my double-barrel shotgun.

“Okay, let’s do this,” I said, loading some shells.  

Andrew rolled to the side and started firing at the sniper as I made a dash for the next area of cover; a group of trees around twenty meters away. I felt the rounds fizz past my head, the sound of them hitting the trees and ground around me. I dove for cover, and lifted my head. I couldn’t see the rise, so I took the brave assumption that he couldn’t see me either. I got into a crouch and started to head towards the rise. I anticipated that he would assume that I would double back on him and would cut me off, so my plan was to double bluff him.

I came out in a clearing that appeared to be an overgrown field, covered in snow and frost. I stilled for a minute. I had lost him. I started to doubt my plan. What if he’d double bluffed me? Should I triple bluff him or do a bluff within a bluff? Would this start to become like Inception if I did that?

Suddenly I saw him move through the long grass, about thirty meters away. I raised the shotgun and fired, hitting him in the shoulder that spun him around before dropping him. He rose once more, aiming a pistol in my direction and I fired once again, this time hitting him in the chest and putting him down for good.

I reloaded and approached with caution.

“Where is it?” I asked him, scanning the area around where he lay. “Where’s the weapon?”

I located it just behind him and picked it up. I crouched down next to him. He was struggling to get up onto his elbows. “How many do you have out here?”

He looked up at me. He was around forty, with steel rimmed glasses and spikey hair that made him look like a professor. Blood seeped from the wounds to his shoulder and chest

Struggling to breathe, he said “I work alone, like you.”

“What are you talking about?”

He ignored my question. “Do you get the headaches?”

I thought of the near constant headaches that I’d had since my accident on K2.

“I get such bad headaches, especially at night when driving,” he continued.

The life was running out of him. I desperately needed some answers.

“Who are you? Did Craven send you?”

“Look at this,” he said, once again ignoring my questions. “Look at what they make you give.”

With that he collapsed back onto the grass and groaned in pain. I turned away not wanting to see the end.

I rejoined Andrew at the top of Liam’s Tramline. He was making tea, stirring it with a willow wand. He looked up at me expectantly.

“He’s dead,” I stated flatly. I looked around. “Where’s Ifan?”

“I don’t know, he seemed to get spooked. He ran off down the ridge,” he said, pointing with his tea cup, brown liquid sloshing over the side slightly.

I scanned the horizon but couldn’t see him. I exhaled.

“Okay, Andrew,” I began. “Craven knows where we are. Do we keep going with our original plan, or do we find a new route? And what should we do with Ifan?”

He considered this for a moment, before leaning to the side and letting rip with a pretty wet fart.

[canyousevmyheavydirtysoul]

*Halloween* I Hate You, I Love You. (Part 2) (Ryan Ross x Reader)

Request: a user on Wattpad: ‘Matching costumes with ryan Ross’

Prompt 7: Costumes

It was three months after you’d played the final show of the Pretty. Odd. tour. After the whole ‘breakdown-on-stage-and-scream-at-Ryan-Ross that you hate him’ thing, the remaining months of touring were hell, to say the least. You and Ryan both made conscious efforts to try and avoid one another as much as possible, but obviously, it was no easy feat. Despite playing shows with Panic! every night, there were photo shoots, press conferences and interviews that you were under obligation to do – some of which you were forced to interact with Ryan during – all while trying your best to avoid any more rumours erupting in your fanbase (they were still trying to come up with a conclusion as to why you cried on stage). So, yeah, life was hard during those few months.

The morning after the final show, you were so eager to get home that you were up at the crack of dawn, despite being enormously tired, and you were the first one on the tour bus that morning, as well as the first one to board the plane that would bring you your salvation, i.e. take you far away from Ryan Ross.

With the exception of a few ‘hey how are you’ texts and some random tweets at each other, you hadn’t spoken to any of the members of Panic! over the past three months, so when you received an out of the blue phone call from Brendon while you were getting a morning pick-me-up from Starbucks, you were understandably a little apprehensive about answering.

“Hello?”

“Hey, (Y/N/N)!” Brendon’s energy radiated through the phone, and you couldn’t stop the smile from forming on your face; you had to admit that you’d missed the over-hyped man-child. “How are you?”

“Uh,” you reached forward and took your order, mouthing a thank you to the barista, “I’m good, all things considering,” you turned and headed to nearby empty table, “How’re you?”

“I’m great. Although, I would be even better if you came to the Halloween costume party I’m throwing.”

Ah, so that’s why he called.

“Is Ryan gonna be there?”

“No.” You narrowed your eyes, and even though he couldn’t see you, Brendon knew exactly what you were doing, prompting him to continue. “He really isn’t! He’s taking a trip to see his grandma or whatever.”

You tapped a finger on your coffee cup as you contemplated whether or not to agree. You hadn’t been out in a while; a party sounded lovely. And you truly did miss the members of Panic! – bar Ryan, of course. And since he wouldn’t be attending, you decided you would.

“Okay.”

“Yeah! Oh, and bring the rest of the guys too!”

You took a sip from your coffee. “I’ll extend the invite to the group chat.”

“Can’t wait to see you!”

“You too, Bren,” you smiled, before hanging up and walking out of the Starbucks.

Now to find a costume.

~

“So are you in?”

“Yeah, of course,” Ryan nodded as he and Brendon exited the studio, “It’s on Halloween night, right?” Brendon nodded. “Then yeah, I’ll definitely be there. Wait,” he frowned when a thought struck him. “Did you invite (Y/N)?”

“No,” Brendon scoffed, “Of course not.”

“Brendon?”

“Yes?”

“Stop lying to me.”

Brendon stopped walking and threw his hands outwards, an offended look on his face. “Why does no one believe me when I tell them stuff?”

“I always believe you when you tell me stuff… mostly. But after your attempts to set us up, I don’t trust you when it comes to (Y/N).”

“Dude, I haven’t spoken to her in months. I didn’t invite her.”

Ryan stared at his friend thoughtfully before finally nodding. “Alright. I believe you.”

“Thank you,” Brendon breathed, moving to place an arm over Ryan’s shoulder and starting to walk again. “Now, let’s talk costumes. I was thinking Lord of The Rings vibes for you. Like a hobbit or something.”

~

“Do I look okay?” you turned to Jesy and Leighton, who were standing next to you on Brendon’s porch.

“Smoking,” Leighton clicked his tongue against his teeth.

“Someone’s defs gonna get lucky tonight,” Jesy smirked, playfully nudging you in the arm.  

“I hope so. Lord knows I need it,” you sighed, ringing the doorbell.

“By the end of the night, forget ‘Mother of Dragons’,” Leighton gestured to your costume; you were Daenerys, your outfit crazily accurate, right down to a dragon on your shoulder, “you’ll be the ‘Mother of Banging’.”

“Oh, my god.”

You and Jesy burst into laughter at his comment, and not too soon after, Brendon opened the door, clad in a Batman costume.

“Yeah! It’s my bitches!” he laughed happily and engulfed all three of you in an uncomfortable group hug. “Aw, I missed you guys so much!”

“The feeling’s mutual,” Jesy chuckled, patting him on the head.

Brendon beamed, but it soon turned into a frown when he noticed the absence of the fourth member of your band. “Where’s Slade?”

“Food poisoning hit him hard,” Leighton replied, shaking his head as flashbacks of Slade throwing up entered his mind, “Word of advice: Do not buy hotdogs from a food truck that has a cat as a co-chef.”

Brendon let out a laugh and moved to the side of the doorway, gesturing for you to enter, which you did. The place was packed, and you smiled to yourself; with all of these people here tonight, there was no way you wouldn’t find someone to leave with.

~

A full hour into the party and you were still standing alone, grumpily eating pretzels from the snack table, utterly despondent.

It wasn’t that no one was interested – countless guests had expressed a liking towards you – but no one was ~doing it~ for you. Maybe it’s because you set such high standards for yourself. If you lowered those a little bit, you could’ve had sex with five different people in the past hour. Not that you’d ever do something like that – you respected yourself far too much – but still, the principle stands.

Or maybe you haven’t hooked up with anyone yet because none of them are Ryan.

Oh, fuck off, brain! Why did you have to be so self-destructive? You hadn’t thought about Ryan in a long time – since this morning; it was your longest streak and now you’ve broken it. Why did his stupid face have to keep creeping into your head?

Ugh, you hated him.

“Still nothing?” Jesy joined you.

You shook your head solemnly. “Nada.”

“Well, I did see a Jon Snow somewhere over there. I didn’t see his face, but he had a nice butt. You should go talk to him.”

“Yeah,” you frowned, straightening up and snapping out of your depressive state, “yeah, I should. I’m going.”

“That’s my girl,” Jesy smirked, “Wait!” she pulled you back when you started to walk and adjusted your costume, particularly around the chest area. “There. Knock ‘em dead, babe.” She shot you a wink and pushed you off.

You spotted the Jon Snow a little way away and gathered yourself as you sauntered over, tapping him lightly on the shoulder.

“Hey,” you put on your flirtiest voice, “I noticed you’re the only Jon Snow here, and- ARE YOU FUCKING JOKING RIGHT NOW?”

“Nice to know nothing’s changed, (Y/N),” Ryan scoffed, sending you a sarcastic smile, “Still as charming as ever.”

“What are you doing here?” you demanded.

“What am I doing here? What are you doing here? Brendon said he hadn’t spoken to you in months.”

“He hadn’t. Up until last week when he called to invite me. That’s also when he said that you were gonna be visiting your grandm- Wait,” you breathed out in disbelief. “Oh, Urie, you motherfucker.”

“I can’t believe he did this,” Ryan shook his head, “you think he’d learn by now but nooooo.”

“I need a drink,” you rubbed your eyes.

“Same.”

~

One drink turned into three, which turned into six, and before you knew it, you were sitting at the kitchen table next to Ryan, both of you considerably drunk.

You were currently laughing uncontrollably at something he had said, and he smiled admiringly at you. There was no denying that you looked insanely hot tonight, and even though he’d always found you attractive, tonight… whew.

“You have a very nice laugh, (Y/N),” he whispered, staring seriously at you, “And you look amazing tonight.”

Your laughing stopped, and you stared back at him just as seriously. “Thank you, Ryan. But you know what?”

“What?”

“I still hate you.”

His eyes widened and he stared at you with those cursed puppy-eyes that were now full of hurt. Seeing him like that, you couldn’t hold it in anymore and you let out the most adorable giggle Ryan had ever heard in his life.

“I’m joking, silly,” you slurred through laughter and he relaxed, letting out a chuckle of his own.

“You sure? I mean, you’ve told me you hate me lots of times.”

“I don’t really hate you. I was pissed at you because you kissed that girl, then made me drink, which made me make-out with one of my best friends, then I cried on stage, then my fans started harassing me, and after all of that, I still wasn’t your girlfriend! That made me upset,” you frowned.

God, you really were a fucking train wreck when you were drunk. Did anything you just said even make any sense?

It did to Ryan, apparently.

“Wait, so you really do like me?”

You nodded eagerly.

“I thought you were kidding when you told Brendon.”

“Why would you think that?” you cocked your heart to the side.

“Because I saw you make-out with Slade at the club. And then when I tried to comfort you after you cried on stage, you told me you hate me, so I figured you didn’t really mean it.”

“I only did all of that because you were with that girl,” you grumbled. “She was all over you. I didn’t like it.”

A smile formed on Ryan’s face. “Wow. We should get you drunk more often. It’s way easier to get you to talk about everything you’re feeling when you’re like this.”

He was right. You’d never in a million years say any of the things you were saying now if you were sober.

“I’m not very good at voicing my feelings,” you admitted.

“Neither am I,” he shrugged, scooting closer to you and gently grabbing your face in his hands. “But I could show you, if that’s okay?”

As soon as you nodded, his mouth was on yours, and oh goodness.

Ryan’s lips were as soft as you’d expected them to be, but his kiss was hard and dominant – a direct contrast to the tenderness of his lips.

He broke away far too soon for your liking, and almost immediately after his lips left yours, you pulled him back, making him smile into the kiss.

Leighton walked past the kitchen while on his way over to the snack table; he got three steps past the doorway before he backtracked, poking his head inside. Stifling a hoot, he whipped out his phone and snapped the two of you mid-kiss.

“What’re you doing?” Jesy whispered, coming up behind him and placing a hand on his shoulder to steady herself while she leaned forward and smiled on at you and Ryan.

“She wants the fans to stop harassing her about the breakdown on stage, doesn’t she? Well, I’m sure this’ll make them forget all about it.”

_______________________________

Thank you for reading x

[toastedwrittenthoughts]

Funny Work Emails.

I have a story to tell.

So, when I was working at a new publishing company, I found myself in a very interesting predicament. That being that I found my boss extremely attractive, but the man was a downright Prick and it was very hard being his executive assistant, so it kinda cancelled everything out. I had also been applying to jobs everywhere and had a few that looked promising, and after he caught wind of it, he offered to extend the contract that I was nearly finished at the company I was currently working at. He increased the pay, offered me a town car and my own driver, since sometimes my car wouldn't work and access to the company credit card. For what, I don't know.. Now, I have a friend and her name is Amy. I have known her since we went to university together and she and I have emailed each-other probably thousands of times. It started with school projects, boyfriend problems, planning date nights, work frustrations and so on. They would often help me by letting out some steam before the sides of my ears whistled. Until, I made the mistake of sending a certain email.

And this is how it goes.

The second I pulled into my spot at Leighton Publishing, my phone buzzed with my boss's usual morning email.

Subject: What I Need Today.

Coffee. Stephen King’s new book. Reports for the two o’clock meeting. Your signature on the employment extension contract.

You’re welcome.

Michael Leighton

CEO, Leighton Publishing

I sighed as I thrust my phone into my purse as I unbuckled and got out of my car. I’d done my best to avoid that last line on all of his task requests, simply not addressing it via email or simply saying “I need more time to think about it,” if he brought it up during one of our meetings. And even though the sexual tension between us was at the highest levels it’d ever been, I couldn’t afford to let that cloud my judgment.

His overbearing sexiness was not a good enough reason to stay, and the odds of us having sex were slim to none. (Not that having sex with him was a good enough reason to stay either.)

After securing a copy of Stephen King’s newest book from Barnes & Noble and a cup of his favorite expensive coffee, I rushed inside the building and headed right up to his office.

I knocked against his door five times and waited for his familiar, “Yes?” before opening the door.

The second I stepped inside, I felt his eyes watching my every move, and I tried not to make eye contact as I walked over and set the book and the coffee on his desk.

“Is there something on your mind, Miss London?” He waited for me to look at him, and I finally gave in. “Any particular reason why you’re currently mumbling?”

“No, Mr. Leighton. It’s just—” I decided to be honest, to finally get this over with. “I’m not interested in signing the extension contract.”

He raised his eyebrow. “Are you referring to right now, or ever?”

“Ever.” I stepped back, waiting for his reaction, but there wasn’t one. His face remained stoic and he simply picked up his coffee and took a long sip.

“Fair enough,” he said. “Thank you for telling me. After you settle into your office, I need you pick up my dry cleaning from Midtown. There should be fifteen suits and twenty shirts in my name.”

What the hell? “Would you like me to pick up anything else?”

“Not at all.”

I forced a smile and headed toward the door. “Thank you for being understanding about the contract, Mr. Leighton.”

“Anytime, Miss London.”

I left his office and took the steps to my own, quickly printing out the two o’clock reports so I could save time since I had a new dry cleaning mission. As I was stapling the first set of sheets together when my phone buzzed with a new email from him.

Subject: Something Else I Need Today.

My Jaguar needs to be washed. Take it to the place I like in New Jersey, ten miles across the bridge.

Michael Leighton

CEO, Leighton Publishing

Is he being serious?

I dropped my reports to the floor, barely getting a chance to reread the message to see if my eyes were playing tricks or me or not, because he sent me another email.

Subject: And Also...

I forgot to pick up a particular watch I ordered weeks ago on my way to work this morning. You’ll need to stand in line at Audemars Piguet on 57th Street by noon to ensure that I receive it today.

Michael Leighton

CEO, Leighton Publishing

I slammed my office door shut to prevent myself from screaming. I had reports to write for next week, calls to make for meetings for our next quarter and a few companies to call about job interviews for myself. And he wants me to run around and collect his shit like I was a fucking intern?! Dammit! I paced the floor a few times before responding to him with a curt “Ok.” Then I headed down to the private parking garage.

I took the keys from the lock-box and tried my best not to think about using them to leave major scratches against his car, and I quickly slid behind the wheel. Instead of immediately heading toward the dry cleaners, I did something that would have made Amy's face pale if she saw me. I took his Jaguar for a half hour joyride first.

I took my time driving through the city streets, stopping for ten-dollar coffee and charging five cups worth to his card every time. Might as well use it, since he gave me the right too, and I have worked there for nearly 2 years and not once touched the thing. On my way out, I noticed a new line of fashion at the nearby lingerie store, so I took his precious credit card and purchased ten matching sets of overly priced panties and bras.

Screw him...

Still feeling reckless and far less professional than I’d ever felt in my life, I picked up his dry cleaning and tossed it in the back seat. I drove across the George Washington Bridge and sat in the back of a café for half an hour.

I checked my email and saw that my bastard boss had emailed me yet again.

Subject: Timing.

I refuse to believe it takes three to four hours to pick up an order of suits and a watch. Even considering getting my car washed, you should be back by now.

Michael Leighton

CEO, Leighton Publishing

I immediately deleted it and noticed that there were several other new emails in my inbox. Emails I actually wanted to see.

Apple, Microsoft, and Amazon all sent positive, personal messages that all read to the likes of, “Congratulations! You’ve made it to the final round of interviews! We simply need to verify your information and references. Afterwards, we’ll make an internal decision behind closed doors.”

I nearly jumped up from my chair, screaming about my pending freedom. I knew there was no way in hell that I wouldn’t receive a formal offer from at least one of those jobs, and since I was still awaiting to hear back from twenty more, I felt more emboldened than ever before. I felt like I could quit Leighton Publishing right now and leave Michael’s Jaguar in the middle of New Jersey for him to find by himself tomorrow.

It took all of one minute for me to realize that I wasn’t that bold. That, and I needed a way to get back to New York City.

Annoyed, I vented all of my frustration in a long ass email to Amy, and per her previous advice, I deleted it the second I hit send.

Subject: My Boss.

Have I already told you that I hate my boss today?

Sexy as hell or not, this pompous, arrogant, ASSHOLE asked me to pick up his dry cleaning the second I walked through the door. Then he told me that I needed to take his Jaguar to a car wash that was ten miles outside of the city, but only after I needed to stand in a never-ending line to buy some type of limited, hundred-dollar watch.

I honestly can’t wait to see the look on his face two months from now when I tell him that I’m quitting his company and that he can kiss my ass. KISS. MY. ASS.

All those former fantasies about him kissing me with his “mouth of perfection” or bending me over my desk are long over. OVER.

Your bestie,

Mya

PS—Please tell me your day is going better than mine...

SENT.

After driving around and retrieving a watch that dripped with the title TACKY MONEY WASTER, I head back to my bosses newly washed and waxed Jag and pull my phone out and frown at the lack of email's from Amy. Maybe she was busy and hadn't read it yet. Opening up my email, I sent her another one.

Mya

Subject: My email.

Did you get my email from this afternoon?

Your bestie,

Mya

After I got into the car, I heard a ping from my email, it was Amy.

Subject: Re: My email.

No...What email?

Your bestie,

Amy

Subject: Re: Re: Re: My email.

The one about my boss and all the shit he asked me to do today. . I would resend it to you, but I deleted it...

He’s so ridiculous, Amy.

Can I call you in like twenty minutes when I get back to the office?

Your bestie,

Mya

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: My email.

Of course. I’ll be waiting.

Your bestie,

Amy

I slumped in my office chair minutes after returning Mr. Leighton’s Jaguar to the garage. I didn’t bother bringing any of his dry cleaning inside, though. If he wanted those suits, he could go down to the garage and get them himself.

Now, more than ever, there was a huge part of me that wanted to pack up all of my things and never come back. Yet, I knew I couldn’t leave this place without personally telling him to go fuck himself first. I’d more than earned that.

When I’d finally let go of enough anger, I picked up my desk phone and dialed Amy’s number.

“Hey there!” She answered on the first ring. “Are you feeling any better?”

“Not at all.” I sighed. “I don’t know if I’m going to make it to the two-month mark anymore, Amy. I really don’t.”

“You can do this,” she said. “This is just one bad day and I’m sure by the time you get home later you’ll feel differently. Don’t let him get to you. Ever.” There was a sudden loud banging noise in her background. “Ugh! Let me call you right back, Mya. The neighbors are being ridiculous with their music today.”

She ended the call before I could say goodbye, and I heard a ping from my inbox seconds later, knowing she’d sent me one of her usual “Stay Calm” emails.

I opened my email—expecting to see something inspiring, but the second I saw the subject line and the sender my jaw dropped to the floor.

Subject: Re: My Boss.

No, you haven’t already told me that you hate your boss, today, but seeing as though you’ve sent me this email directly, I know now...

Yes, I did ask you to pick up my dry cleaning the second you arrived to work to day. (Where is it?) And I did tell you to take my Jaguar to the car wash and pick up my thousand-dollar watch. (Thank you for taking five hours to do something that could be accomplished in two.)

You don’t have to wait two months from now to see the look on my face when you tell me you’re quitting. I’m standing outside your office at this very moment. (Open the door.)

No comment on your “fantasies,” although I highly doubt they’re “long over.”

Your boss,

Michael

PS—Yes. My day is definitely going far better than yours...

Oh. My. Fucking. God!

I felt all the color draining from my face, and I swear I didn’t breathe for over a minute.

I shook my head in utter disbelief, refusing to accept that I’d sent my rant to him instead of Amy. I refreshed my computer screen again and again, hoping that this was some type of joke.

A loud and sudden knock came to my door and my heart nearly fell out of my chest, but I didn’t get up. I didn’t make a single move.

The knock came again, much louder this time, and this time I heard his voice. “Miss London?” He knocked once more.

I slowly stood up from my desk and looked outside the peephole. Mr. Leighton was looking down at his watch, his face still impossibly perfect and flawless. His lips pressed into an angry flat line.

He looked up from his watch and stared through the peephole, letting his eyes meet mine.

I jumped back from the door and considered my options. I could open the door and listen to whatever he had to say, or I could leave through my office’s side exit door.

It was a no-brainer.

I grabbed my coat, my laptop, and shut down my computer. Then I rushed out of my side door and took the freight elevator down to where I parked my car in the garage. Thinking, It would just be a straight shot from there, right? Nope. Car didn't turn over. It gurgled and then puked. Shit. Thinking I could call A cab I take out my phone and remember that I had access to a town car, which, though I never used it, waited everyday out in front of the garage. Perfect! My driver eyed me suspiciously as I literally ran through the garage, but he didn’t protest when I begged him to hurry up and get me home.

I didn’t wait for him to open the door for me or wish me a good day when we arrived. I practically jumped out of the car and rushed straight into my building—making a beeline for Amy’s place.

“Amy?” I knocked on her door. “Amy!”

“Coming!” She swung open her door immediately and pulled me inside. “No need to bang on my door like that, Mya. What the hell is wrong with you?”

“I think I just got fired.”

“What? How do you think you just got fired? You either did or you didn’t.”

“Okay, okay. I didn’t get fired yet, but I’m pretty sure he’s going to fire me. He’s definitely going to fire me. Oh god, oh god, oh god...”

“Mya, slow down.” She placed her hands on my shoulders. “Speak English, slowly. Very slowly.”

“I accidentally sent him one of my complaining emails, a complaining email that was one hundred percent meant for you.”

“Was it worse than the one you sent me yesterday morning?”

“Way worse. I I called him an asshole and mentioned how I used to fantasize about him wanting to bend me over his desk.”

Her face turned red as well, and she opened her mouth to say something, but the sound of my phone ringing caught both of our attention.

I pulled it out of my pocket and damn near dropped it at the sight of Mr. Leighton’s name on my screen. Unsure of what to do, I tossed it onto her couch.

“Is that him?” Amy asked.

I could only nod.

“Do you plan on answering it?”

“No.” I stared at it until it went to voicemail. But then it rang again.

And again.

Rolling her eyes, Amy picked up my phone and hit ‘answer’ before tossing it to me.

“Hello?” I answered, my voice was basically a whisper.

“Hello, Miss London.” The sound of my name falling from his mouth made me take a seat. “Did I catch you at a bad time?”

I shook my head as if he could see me.

“Are you there, Miss London?” His deep voice sent warmth through my face, I felt shame. “Did I catch you at a bad time?”

“Not really...”

“Good. Where are you right now?”

“Oh, um...” I looked to Amy for help, but she was smiling, looking as if this shit was actually funny. “I just ran down to the copy room.”

“So, you’re still in the building?”

“You could say that.”

“I saw you getting in your town car half an hour ago.” There was a smile in his voice. “You’re definitely not in the building right now.”

“Yes, well...Is there something you need from me right now?”

“There is actually, I came to your office this afternoon because I needed to discuss something private and very important that pertains to you and me, but I missed you somehow. So, I need you to come into work an hour early tomorrow so we can have this private and important conversation. Can you do that?” I simply stared at Amy, feeling my impending doom take a large seat in the room.

“Miss London,” he repeated. “Can you do that?”

“Yes...”

“Good. I’ll see you in the morning.” He ended the call, and a large glass of wine was immediately thrust into my hand via Amy.

Shit. Shit. Shit...

She tried her best to distract me from today’s epic mistake by making me watch terrible Netflix shows, and letting me crash on her couch for hours, but it was no use.

As I headed to the office one hour earlier like he requested, I noticed his Jaguar wasn’t in his designated spot. Somewhat relieved, I took the elevator to my floor and unlocked my office—unsure as to whether I should start organizing my things for an upcoming termination or not.

Whenever he decided to bring up my email, I knew I was going to have to choose between three options when I responded. Plan A: Deny. Deny. Deny. Plan B: Deny more. Deny more. Deny more. Plan C: Suck up my pride, admit I was wrong, and hope he doesn’t fire me because I haven’t received an official job offer from anywhere else yet.

It has to be Plan A...

Just as I was about to sit down, my desk phone rang and his office number appeared on the screen. Taking a deep breath, I picked up the receiver. “Yes, Mr. Leighton?”

“Come up to my office.” He hung up without a single word, leaving me confused.

I locked my purse in my drawer and took the steps, knocking three times until his familiar, “Yes?” greeted me and made me open the door.

He was sitting in his chair, his back facing me. At the sound of my heels clacking against the floor, he slowly spun around, like some type of Bond villain.

His suit today was one I hadn’t seen before, a dark grey one that perfectly complemented the new silver watch on his wrist. The watch he’d far too recently made me stand in line to get.

“Have a seat.” He motioned for me to sit in front of his desk.

I sat down and he picked up his coffee, taking a long sip.

“You know, Miss London,” He emphasized every syllable of my name. “I honestly thought you and I were on better terms, especially after working together for over 2 years. But it seems I was clearly mistaken.”

He looked as if he was waiting for some type of explanation in regards to my email, and I still wasn’t sure if I wanted to go for Plan A, B, or C. As if he could sense that I was weighing my options, his lips curved up into a smirk.

I tried to avert my gaze away, even for a second, but I couldn’t look away from him at all.

“Are you going to say something?” he asked. “Or are you going to continue sitting there as if you have no idea what I’m talking about?”

“Is this about me leaving early yesterday?” I settled on Plan A. “I was feeling a little ill, that’s all.”

“This is about a particularly inappropriate email where you make a mention of me fucking you.”

My cheeks were on fire and I knew he wasn’t going to let me avoid this at all. I wanted the earth to swallow me up.

“I’m sorry,” I said, the words rushing out. “I had no idea that I’d accidentally—”

“This is also about...” he said, cutting me off as he raised his hand. “Me possibly needing to go to human resources and file a complaint. A sexual harassment complaint.”

What?

“Sexual harassment is a very serious offense here at Leighton Publishing, Miss London.” He looked me up and down. “I’ve had people fired for far less egregious offenses, and I technically should be doing the same to you right now as that would only be more than fair.” He didn’t let me get a word in. “Especially since I don’t think you fully understand why what you did was so offensive.”

“I do...” My voice was a whisper.

“Don’t you think there would be an uproar with serious consequences?” I don’t honestly know what possessed me to say the word;

“Maybe.”

“Maybe? No, definitely.” He adjusted his tie. “In fact, there would be such an uproar that I think the IT department would be forced to go through all the emails I’d ever sent on any company device since nothing sent on a company server is ever truly deleted. In fact, they’d probably have to investigate and see if this was a one-time offense or a particularly interesting pattern...”

I felt my jaw dropping and struggled to keep my lips together.

“I mean,” he said, looking somewhat serious. “Depending on what they found, they’d have to personally address me and assess the damages. And if the person I was talking about ‘fucking’ in my emails wanted to, I’m sure she could make my life very miserable.”

Silence.

He picked up a folder from his desk and slowly set in on my lap. “Three hundred and sixty-seven emails between you and your ‘bestie’, Amy.”

The first thought wasn’t, Oh no. It was actually ‘That’s it’?

“That’s this month alone.” His voice was clipped. “I didn’t have time to read more than a few of them, but I’m assuming we won’t be seeing anymore of these in our IT database. Or will we?”

“No.” I shook my head.

“Good. I had them all permanently deleted. You’re welcome.” He stood up and glanced at his watch. “Those Roberto files are due before our morning meeting with Lockwood.” He walked over to the door and held it open, waiting for me to leave. What. The. Hell. Just Happened?!?

Avoiding his gaze, I stood up and headed into the hallway. I stopped for some unknown reason as a thought popped into my head that had me asking;

“Can I ask you something personal?” I looked up at Michael.

“Yes.”

“Were any of those stories in the tabloids from last year about you and your.. dates, true?”

“Some of them.”

“Oh.” I frowned. “Really?”

“What are you really asking me, Mya?”

“Is there any reason why you haven’t been featured in one for a very long time?”

“Yes...It’s because I haven’t done any of the things I used to do for a very long time.” He trailed his finger against his lips. “I promised my adviser I would tone down my ‘activities’ for the sake of the company going public in the future.” He paused. “I also happened to accidentally hire a very compelling and sexy distraction working on the floor right below me.” Wait.. Whut? 

“In other words, you slept with your usual groupies in private.”

“I tried to.” He admitted. “But I was honestly too damn attracted to someone else to waste my time on other people.”

“I don’t believe you.” I blushed. “There’s no way you haven’t slept with anyone else since I started working for you.”

“You should, and I haven’t.” He ran his fingers through his hair. “I have no reason to lie to you. I even tried getting rid of you when you first started since you were such a distraction, but that clearly didn’t work out.”

“You were purposely being mean to me in the beginning to get me to quit?”

He smiled, silently confirming it.

“That is so...” I couldn’t believe he could look so genuine while saying that. “That is so fucked up.”

“It was.”

“No, is.” I looked into his eyes. “You still act as if you’re trying to get me to quit.”

“Sign the extension and I’ll be a lot nicer.” He smiled at me and I feel a small flutter in my chest. It was genuine. And I smiled in return.

“How about treat me better first and I’ll consider thinking about it?”

“How about both? I haven’t truly been ‘mean’ to you in the past six months. Demanding? Yes. Slightly unreasonable with the scheduling time and getting upset about you refusing to sign my contract? Maybe.”

“Definitely.”

“Fine,” he said. “But I haven’t been ‘mean’ to you.”

“You’ve just done your best to keep me out of your sight and far away from you, because... Why? I ask. He shifted a little before responding.

“Because you were thinking about having me as much as I was thinking about having you.” And I nearly moan.

“Is that so?” I echo, a small flirty smile gracing my face.

“Exactly So.” A smile spread across his face. “I was only protecting myself.” He let me pass and walk out the door with a simple, “See you at 2 o’clock.” I had made it to the stairwell before I hear him call out again.

“And if you have anymore questions, complaints and.. Other things, be sure to email me.” He smiled and walked back into his office. 

[christianmenatwork]

No When-Then or Coulda-Woulda-Shoulda-Selah26-CMAW097

S = Something on My Heart

See 8/16 Pastor Adam Cook message from Union Church on the Power of saying Thanks https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pAcuskM-0nY.  I've spoken on this podcast before about the importance of being grateful to God about all of life but particularly as it relates to your heart while you're working.  I've talked about how work is a gift from God, how work is so important to God that it's the first thing he did after creating Adam and Even was to give them something to do. Work is inherently good and something we should be thankful for, and not just thankful for the money that it produces, though that should be part of what we're grateful for.  Pastor brought some fresh insight from his sermon that I wanted to pass along and add my own additional thoughts as well.  I'll provide a link for this sermon in the show notes.  First of all, Pastor Adam said that gratitude is not a one-time "Thank You" but a mindset and a way of seeing the world.  Probably the most often referenced scripture about giving thanks is 1 Thess 5:16-18, in the NIV version says "Rejoice alaways, pray continuously, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus".  One thing I like about this verse is that it specifically says being thankful is God's will.  I know I often struggle with wondering what God's will is for me and my life, and I think it's a good practice to particularly note verses that connect our actions to God's will.  Being grateful is one of those things that you dont' just hear about in the Christian world, people with all different belief systems talk about the power of having an attitude of gratitude.  You hear it in self help books, on motivational posters in the workplace, and on social media memes.  If you think about it, other than thanking another person for something they've done specifically, having an overall attitude of gratitude doesn't make a whole lot of sense unless you worship a God who has the abliity and has proven to have chosen to be a giver, a giver of all the good things in life.  Pastor Adam suggests 2 ways we can be grateful.  The first is to eliminate when/then thinking.  This is all about being present and being grateful for and appreciating and enjoying where we are right now, rather than longing for something that may happen in the future, or for something we had in the past.  It's easy for us to point fingers at the Children of Israel who complained about only having manna to eat int he wilderness and longing for when they were slaves in Egypt and had other food to eat.  The reality is I have been guilty of this type of thinking my whole adult life to different degrees and at different times, in my personal life and my professional life.  If I talked to my Mom when growing up about something that I should have done in the past or something that might have been, she would wisely respond "Oh shoulda-woulda-coulda".  With my own kids, I've more often tried to pass along in a similar situation the wise advice that they should do as Boston says and "Don't Look Back".  We can all think of things we don't like about our work.  That's easy.  What takes effort is to purposely focus on the good in our work. There's the income, of course, but there's also the feeling of satisfaction for a job well done, the opportunity to interact and collaborate with others on a common goal, the chance to sharpen our skills and get better, it provides a sense of purpose, and ig gives us unique opportunties to share our faith with others and to just love on them.  Psalm 118:24, in NKJV says "This is the day the Lord has made.  We will rejoice and be glad in it".  As my Pastor said, we should thank God not just for what He did, but for what He is doing TODAY. In John 5:17, Jesus said "My Father has been working until now, and I have been working". The 2nd suggestion Pastor Adam had for being thankful was to be the one who circles back.  In Luke 17:15-18, after Jesus heals 10 lepers, "

15 And one of them, when he saw that he was healed, returned, and with a loud voice glorified God, 16 and fell down on his face at His feet, giving Him thanks. And he was a Samaritan.

17 So Jesus answered and said, “Were there not ten cleansed? But where are the nine? 18 Were there not any found who returned to give glory to God except this foreigner?”  I did one thing right this past year in this regard.  After finishing a project, I sent out an email to each of the contractors who had done work on the project and thanked them for the work they had done.  Sure, they had gotten paid for their work, and sure not everything went exactly as planned and mistakes were made, but I could not have completed the project without and I wanted to take the time to specifically thank them. Someone once said to me that it's a good idea to email a thank you after someone does something for you at work.  In my Handy Tips section I've been talking about how to be more effective with the use of email, and a big part of that is not sending out too many emails.  I think this is one exception, and its worth noting that you don't have to use email to say thanks you can pick up the phone.  If someone regularly does helpful things for you as part of their job, you may want to occasionally thank them rather than every time they do something, and when you do so try to be specific about the work they do, noting anything that is unique about what they do and how they do it.  When I sent the email to my contractors I didn't just thank them, for each of them I pointed out specific things they did that made a difference.  The great thing about circling back is that it will likely make a big impact on others, because most people, like the 9 ungrateful lepers, don't do this. A few final thoughts on this issue.  First, Pastor Adam said that every blessing in life that is not turned into praise is turned into pride.  We could spend multiple Selah episodes talking about the danger pride and the scripture that demonstrates that Gods hates it when we're prideful.  I think this point is a powerful motivator for us being thankful.  Yes, being thankful is the right thing to do and will produce great fruit in our lives and the lives of others, but if we dont' do it, it can and will lead to pride will create destruction and should be avoided at all cost.  Another thought I have is while we're focusing on being thankful for our work and thankful to our co-workers, remember at the end of your work day to be thankful to your wife.  There's a temptation to bring our best selves to the workplace and then only bring our frustrations and judgmental attitude to our wife and kids.  Whether she's out in the marketplace working or a stay-at-home Mom, our wives deserve our thanks every day and in a way that's meaningful to them.  For my final thought, I heard a song by Jeremy Camp called Keep Me in the Moment on the radio today on my way home from church and I'd like to read some of the lyrics from that song. 

I've been thinking 'bout time and where does it go How can I stop my life from passing me by, I don't know I've been thinking 'bout family and how it's going so fast Will I wake up one morning just wishing that I could go back?

I've been thinking 'bout lately, maybe I can make a change and let you change me So, with all of my heart this is my prayer

Singing oh Lord, keep me in the moment Help me live with my eyes wide open 'Cause I don't wanna miss what you have for me

Singing oh Lord, show me what matters Throw away what I'm chasing after 'Cause I don't wanna miss what you have for me (what you have for me)

Keep me in the moment Oh, keep me in the moment Keep me in the moment 'Cause I don't wanna miss what you have for me (oh)

When I wake up in the morning Lord, search my heart Don't let me stray I just wanna stay where you are

All I got is one shot, one try One go around in this beautiful life Nothing is wasted when everything's placed in your hands

Singing oh Lord, keep me in the moment Help me live with my eyes wide open 'Cause I don't wanna miss what you have for me (what you have for me)

Singing oh Lord, show me what matters Throw away what I'm chasing after 'Cause I don't wanna miss what you have for me (what you have for me)

Keep me in the moment (keep me in the moment) Lord keep me in the moment (keep me in the moment) Keep me in the moment 'Cause I don't wanna miss what you have for me

I've been thinking about heaven And the promise you hold So, it's all eyes on you Until the day you call me home

Singing oh Lord, keep me in the moment Help me live with my eyes wide open 'Cause I don't wanna miss what you have for me (I don't wanna miss, I don't wanna miss)

Singing oh Lord, show me what matters Throw away what I'm chasing after (oh) 'Cause I don't wanna miss what you have for me (yeah)

Keep me in the moment Oh, keep me in the moment Keep me in the moment 'Cause I don't wanna miss what you have for me

Keep me in the moment (keep me in the moment) Oh, keep me in the moment (keep me in the moment) Keep me in the moment 'Cause I don't wanna miss what you have for me (what you have for me)

  E=Example of Faith at work

  2 men From episode 096, when Leighton Ford was age 14, his mother left for a while and during that summer Leighton was lonely but went to a Bible Conference put on by a local business man.  A speaker talked about praying out loud from the Psalms and this was a turning point for Leighton. He felt God knew and understood that teenage boy.

When Leighton was 14 yrs old a man named Evan Hedley, came to his hometown to start "Youth for Christ" there and Leighton was appointed to be president.  Evan was a business man who had been in insurance.  He wasn't a preacher but he was an organizer and a mentor.  Evan lived to age 90 and 60 men including Leighton who had been mentored by Evan came to his funeral.

  L=Logos = Work verse

  “Imprint these words of mine on your hearts and minds, bind them as a sign on your hands, and let them be a symbol on your foreheads. Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit in your house and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Write them on the doorposts of your house and on your city gates. Deuteronomy 11:18-20 - CSB

  A = Announcement

  “"The Classic Christian Rock podcast by WildMan & Steve encompasses all a Christian Music fan would want in a podcast. They interview Christian Rock artists twice a month- those from the past and the musicians who are rocking for Christ today. On the same podcast is a weekly radio show called Metal Talk where you will here great talk about politics, current events and faith- all while listening to great Metal music. Subscribe to their podcast today where ever you get your podcasts, find out more at WildManandsteve.com"”

  H=Handy tip to increase productivity and effectiveness 

Pretend CC doesn't exist, thing long and hard about who you're sending your email to.  Why is each and every person on there.  There should be a reason you can explain.  I do use the CC but I'm trying not to use the CC.  It's used to keep people informed, to cover our butt by making sure those cc'd know that we've done something, sometimes used to get someone in trouble or to point out to someone what someone is or is not doing. We can very easily damage relationships and trust using the CC the wrong way.  Another danger of using CC is if the email turns into a back and forth, some higher upper people that you just wanted to keep informed end up being dragged through a bunch of back and forth emails that you may not be able to stop or control.

  Check out this episode!

[brokensoulstory]

Broken Soul: Twenty Four

About an hour had passed. While Ashes was mingling with a few other guests, October happened to glance toward the main entrance and noticed a familiar face enter the building. "Erick?" October was confused and quickly approached him. "What are you doing here?" She noticed Myra was with him. "Evan told you to stay at the inn."

"Something wasn't right there," Erick explained. "It didn't feel safe. I thought if I brought her here, the presence would leave."

"Since you're inside, at least look like a vampire or a donor," October suggested. He took her advice and changed his black eye color to a glowing blue. Erick guided Myra along, linking his arm with hers. She was still lightheaded from losing blood.

They were let inside and after sifting through the crowds, October spotted Ashes and Dannie waltzing again. They were about to join them but were approached by Leighton. "Good evening," he greeted with a smile. "Welcome to my home."

"Good evening, sir," Erick replied.

Leighton nodded an acknowledgment to Erick, then turned his attention to Myra. His electric eyes expressed concern. "Is that young lady alright?"

"She's my donor," Erick lied. He wanted to sell the facade that he was a vampire. "She's feeling a bit ill. Would you happen to have a spare guest chamber where she could rest for a few minutes?"

"Yes, of course," Leighton replied, taking Myra's arm. "This way." He led her upstairs and down the hall. The room was dark but warm. Myra laid down on the bed and didn't even bother taking her shoes off or putting the blankets over herself. She was asleep almost instantly. Leighton closed the door and went back downstairs. October was at Erick's side as they entered the ballroom.

Ashes and Dannie's waltzing came to an end when Leighton interrupted. "Sorry to disturb you, but we have business matters to discuss."

"Oh, yes." Ashes remembered as he stepped back from Dannie. A young brunette woman with a red dress on approached Leighton's side and whispered, "The Jaces have arrived, dear," in his ear before turning her curiosity toward Evan, who had just joined the group.

"Thank you, love," Leighton replied then introduced her. "This is Amanda, my donor." He held her right hand in his and pulled her closer to him. Her crimson lipstick grin grew; her whole face was radiant and her eyes were a bright yellow. Dannie secretly wondered if she was spelled or if she really did like Leighton.

Evan, Ashes, and Leighton stepped away to converse while Dannie and Amanda stayed behind. "Don't worry, they won't be long," Amanda said to her and then lifted two glasses off of a tray a passing waiter was carrying. She offered one to Dannie. As parched as she was, Dannie hesitated and just stared at the crystal glass with the dark red beverage in it. "Oh... That's not..."

Amanda laughed. She knew what she meant. "No, of course not. It's just red wine."

"Ah, well... You never know around here," Dannie declared and accepted the glass. "What exactly are those three talking about anyway?"

"Business."

"And what kind of business do vampires discuss?"

"My dear, have you ever wondered where Evan gets all of his money?" Amanda inquired. "Because if you have to ask that, then you obviously don't know."

"Property, right?" Dannie felt a little nosy but really, what kind of conversation was expected at an event like this?

"Yes, estates," Amanda replied. "Rumor has it when your vampire first arrived here, he bought large amounts of land that had been on the market for years. He snatched it dirt cheap. It was soon discovered that time had been kind to the land and now it's rich in resources and Leighton wants to purchase a vast amount of it."

Dannie remembered what Evan had told Dusk when they had talked about territory. "Wait... I thought Evan only owned fifty acres."

Amanda laughed sarcastically. "He owns a lot more than that. What he probably meant was that he only resided on that lot. He owns countless lots all over this place."

"Who knew vampires were civilized members of society?" Dannie remarked then took a sip of wine. She wasn't a big drinker so the taste caused her to grimace in disgust but she tried to hide it.

A tap on Dannie's shoulder startled her. She turned around and grinned from ear to ear when she saw who it was. "October."

"Care to waltz, Miss Saroya?" she asked and held out her hand for Dannie to take.

Without hesitation, Dannie set her hardly used glass down on the table a few feet away and gladly accepted, placing her hand in October's. Dannie was guided onto the dance floor, both of them locking eyes. They didn't look away from each other once. Their hands were together, and October's other hand on Dannie's waist and hers, up on October's shoulder, and they started to waltz. For the longest time, they didn't even say a word to each other. There wasn't a need for it. Dannie smiled the entire time. She didn't even realize she was doing so.

October just gazed at her; her face mostly expressionless. Dannie could see the tiniest hint of emotion glistening in her eyes. October would probably never admit it and but Dannie could see something was there.

When the song was over, October took Dannie's hand and led her outside. They walked alongside the backyard terrace in the moonlight. October's falsely lit eyes glowed at her. She noticed Dannie couldn't stop smiling, even still. "You're still beaming, Danielle. I don't think I've ever seen you like this."

Dannie entwined her arm with October's as they walked. "It's just this...This place and this whole evening, attending a ball in a palace; it's like every little girl's dream. I used to read fairy tales and books about things like this when I was little and wished I could be Cinderella or one of the 12 dancing princesses. And, as time went on, I guess I forgot about the stories and just...grew up. But now, it's happening. And I'm not even sure how I should really feel. I mean, the eight-year-old inside of me is thrilled. But the 22-year-old me still doesn't completely believe this is real."

"So, you feel conflicted?" October asked.

"Maybe just a little," she admitted. "I never really thought I'd ever be waltzing with a demon in a palace full of vampires. But, this evening turned out a lot better than I hoped it would."

October was silent for a long moment. She was thinking something over while Dannie stood at the edge of the terrace, staring up at the starry night sky. "Danielle." She looked at October once again. "I think the time has come."

Dannie's heart literally skipped a beat. She froze, expecting October to do something. But she didn't. "The time for what?"

"To show you how to use some of the abilities I gave to you," she said, taking Dannie's hand once more and led her out into the woods beyond the terrace.

"Wait, are you sure we should go outside of Leighton's property?" Dannie asked her. She was having a little difficulty walking through grass and over sticks and rocks in her heels. Luckily, she didn't fall over.

"Don't worry," October replied. "You're safe as long as you have that cross." It was still hanging around her neck.

They walked a little deeper into the woods until October decided to stop. "October, they won't need us, will they?" Dannie worried.

"We're fine," she promised and turned Dannie to face her. "Now. One useful skill is making your own light."

"Light?"

"Just do what I do." October set her hands in front of her side by side, palms up. Dannie repeated the act and awaited further instruction. "Now, concentrate and picture light inside of your mind. Do you feel it?"

"I feel...ridiculous," she admitted.

" Danielle, listen and it will work," October promised. "Just trust me."

"Fine," she sighed and tried again. This time, she closed her eyes and attempted to put all of her focus on to her instructions. October stepped behind her and grasped on to her hands, almost, causing her to open her eyes but she refrained. Dannie froze at the sense of ice-cold fingers touching her. She suppressed a shiver.

"Feel the energy inside of you and let it flow to your palms," October said, her words spoken softly against Dannie's ear. Again, Dannie winced away a chill. October really wasn't helping as much as she intended to.

Dannie shook off every emotion she was feeling and finally concentrated. A rush of warmth surged through her, pushing its way down her arms. "I think it's working..."

"Good, don't let it go." October released her and moved in front of her to evaluate her.

Dannie's eyes opened just in time to see her palms turn electric green. The light inside of her rose up through her skin in the shape of a sphere. She couldn't believe her eyes. The warm orb hovered an inch above her palm, illuminating her face. A victorious smile appeared on her lips. "I did it."

"Well done," October said. "Now try throwing it."

"Really?"

"Yes."

Dannie didn't question her further and winded her arm back and tossed the orb away. It left behind a green streak in the air and crashed into a tree and pieces splashed off of the bark and vanished like fireworks. A green spot remained on the tree where it had been hit. It was still glowing and looked like it had burned into the tree, sinking a round black singe into the bark. Dannie curiously stepped over to the tree and lightly tapped on the green burn, jumping back after feeling that it was still hot. She checked her finger for a blister but it didn't even leave a mark. Before she could even ask, October said, "It was your light, it cannot harm you. But it can be fatal to others if necessary. Only humans though."

"Oh, how lovely," Dannie remarked sarcastically. "Evil vampires and demons are after me, what good does that do me?"

"Your light can easily distract or slightly injure them," October explained. "You can also make your own darkness."

"Excuse me?" Dannie wasn't so sure about this one.

"Extend your arms up." Dannie did as she was asked. "Now move them as if you're painting everything you see with black."

As silly as that sounded, she gave it a try. Dannie moved her right hand first, imagining the view of stars and tree branches above her was a canvas she could cover with black paint. The silver stars melted away from her sight and she froze in disbelief at what she had done. "Don't lose focus, Danielle," October spoke up, snapping her out of her brief daze and she continued to cover the rest of the world with shadows. Everything was pitch black until October told her to make light again. She did so flawlessly this time. Dannie saw October's face looking at her in the green fabricated glow and she couldn't help smiling. It felt like they were the only two beings left on Earth. For a moment, she had forgotten about everything else.

"Erase the darkness now," October said, breaking the silence. "Throw the orb directly up and it will turn everything back to normal."

Once Dannie threw it, the orb silently exploded like a firework again and the sparks diminished the shadows and allowed the stars and blue moonlight to bestow the world with warm illumination. October didn't want to waste any more time. She had to show Dannie how to defend herself now.

[jacewilliams1]

From the archives: Wolfgang Langewiesche on mountain flying

Editor’s note: Wolfgang Langewiesche is famous for writing the bible on flying, Stick and Rudder. He was also a friend of Air Facts founder Leighton Collins and a frequent contributor for the magazine. In this detailed article from 50 years ago, Langewiesche offers some timeless tips for flying in the mountains.

A briefing for the high country: canned experience for sale here

A man who has just got his license buys his first airplane and sets out across the high country of the West. It is his first big trip. As he loads in his wife and kiddies and the luggage we stand by, watching. “We” means the people who taught him to fly, gave him his license, sold him his ship. It also means the rest of us just fellow-pilots who happen to know some of the things he has yet to find out. Do we owe this man any advice?

I think we do. Too many new pilots come to grief on trips of this nature. And this is not from lack of flying skill. They have just passed their flight tests. Nor is it from lack of aeronautical knowledge in an academic sense. They have passed their writtens. In some respects they know more than they will ever use. It’s more from a sort of innocence. They are not prepared for the real-life situations they will meet. They fail to recognize the problems, or, if they do, they have no solutions ready-made in mind. They lack (of course) experience. What’s experience, other than that the problems are expected, the various solutions pre-thought-out? I think it should be possible to give the new man some advance knowledge of the problems and the solutions — equip him with some canned experience, so to speak. This is needed for many aspects of flying. Right here we’ll try to do it for the high country.

First of All

What one thinks of first, of course is the long fast take-off run and the shallow, slow climb. Landings, too, are faster and longer in the high country, but not by very much. That’s a cheerful fact — high country landings are no problem.

The big difference is in take-off and climb. Responsible is the thin air, which cuts engine power and also reduces wing lift. And what’s responsible for the thin air? Elevation and summer heat in about equal measure. Our new man should know this clearly. On a hot day, even a low level airport has thin air, and take-off there is noticeably poor. On a cold day, even a high field has reasonable dense air, and take-off is OK. Our new man will probably do his high country flying in summer, and he’ll have air that is high and warm. His take-offs will be poor.

The numbers can be picked off the clever Koch Chart, and they are startling. At 7000 feet, with the air at 100°F, the take-off run is tripled, compared to sea level, the climb is only a quarter of sea level climb. These, however, are extreme values, the air at the higher elevations rarely gets quite so hot. And the airport designer too, has consulted the Koch Chart, and has lengthened his runways to allow for the power performance. So if our man uses a regular airport, widely used by all sorts of airplanes, he has nothing to worry about. He need not be scared: just aware. He should be mentally prepared for the long take-off run and a very shallow climb. He needs no more skill, just a little more patience. He should not try to pull the airplane off too soon, or to climb it too steeply. Perhaps, before his trip, he might want to have his wheels balanced with more than usual care. If there is any wheel shake or shimmy, the higher speeds of those take-offs make it much worse and this then makes you hurry your take-off.

Mixture

Only one point of special technique is needed. Above 5000 feet or so, lean out the mixture right on the ground before take-off. At high elevations, on a hot day, our engines drown in fuel. The Koch Chart shows the performance of airplanes with the mixture right. The mixture too, responds to both elevation and air temperature. That performance is poor enough. With an over-rich mixture some airplanes may hardly get off. This effect of thin air, via the mixture, may have caused much trouble in the past. It’s been a semi-secret. Pilots where taught to have the mixture full-rich for take-off. Owners Manuals said: don’t lean the mixture until above 5000 feet — and then only for cruising, not for climb. Renter pilots were told: leave that thing strictly alone. On some rental airplanes the mixture control was safely wired in the full-rich position. Nobody wanted to say it — lean your mixture. The reason was, of course, that a lean mixture while using full sea level power can damage an engine, can even cause engine failure right on the climb-out. Nobody wanted to be responsible, let alone liable. Well, the fact is — the double-fact is: a) at 5000 or above, the power output of the engine is so restricted anyway that you are no so likely to damage it even by leaning excessively; b) the mixture runs so excessively rich at 5000 feet in summer on the ground that you can lean it out quite a lot — with a marked gain in power — and still be safely on the rich side. You don’t really lean it; you de-rich it. And of late, some Owners Manuals have begun to say it under “Engine Check Before Take-off.” “Above 5000 feet, adjust the mixture.”

How to Lean

This leaning out is not hard to do — brakes held, wide open throttles or nearly so, move the mixture gradually until you get roughness or a drop in RPM. Then rich it up again “some” to be safely on the rich side of Best Power. With an injector engine you also lean out steadily, but from time to time give it a quick small forward (enriching) shove on the control. When this surge of enrichment causes a surge of RPM you know we’ve past Best Power on the lean side: you richen it up some and there you are. With an Exhaust Temperature Gauge, of course, it’s easy.

The biggest problem at some fields may be to find a place where you can rev wide open without sucking a lot of gravel into your propeller. One therefore learns to do a fair enough job just by putting the mixture control where one thinks it ought to be. With a little practice, you can also adjust the mixture during the take-off run. It is not necessary, after all, to have theabsolutely best power — just so the poor thing isn’t suffocating. The thing to remember is that an airplane climbs on the power it has to spare, over and above the power it needs to maintain airspeed. Therefore a 10% increase in power may well mean a 20% or even a 30% improvement in climb. The more under powered and/or heavily loaded the airplane, the bigger the improvement.

Flap Use

Flaps on take-off? At high elevations, this is a problem. Flaps get the wheels off the runway sooner, thus reducing friction, and that is a gain. But flaps reduce the rate of climb, and that is a loss you sometimes can hardly afford. Probably the best way is to take off with some flap, the immediately, as soon as airborne, retract them — slowly. This takes a little practice, and familiarity with your airplane. In a low powered, heavily loaded airplane, with the flaps partly down you may get into an unpleasant situation. The airplane climbs quite nicely to the top of the ground cushion, say 20 feet or so. At that altitude you now pass the airport boundary. But now the airplane pauses in its climb. This is very unpleasant. The airspeed is low. The drag of the flaps keeps it from building up. The ground is too close, and maybe too rough, to do much nosing down. If you just retract the flaps you might get a sink right to the ground. If you keep them on, you’ll be a long time picking up a healthy airspeed.

Loads

All our small airplanes are being operated all over the West with no restrictions as to gross weight. But our man will operate under the least favorable conditions. The local man flies, as he drives, with his machine half empty much of the time. Our man will probably be heavily loaded. The local man flies the year around, and has the benefit of much cool air. Our man will probably come through the high country at the hottest time of the year. And he will be a stranger.

Our new man should understand that a 10% reduction in an airplane’s gross weight (not: “Load”) improves the climb by more than 10%. (This is because there is less weight to be lifted, and at the same time slightly less forward speed to be maintained; so that there is slightly more power available for lifting less weight.)

For the stranger, in summer the finest special equipment to put into an airplane is an empty seat.

Airspeed for Best Climb

Our man should accurately know his airplane’s speed for best rate of climb. Not all do. In ordinary flying we do not use this speed much. We usually climb at higher airspeeds for good cooling: sometimes, briefly, at lower airspeeds, for best angle of climb. But in the high country, speed for best rate of climb becomes important. Near its ceiling, an airplane climbs only at that one speed. The speed is shown in the Owners Manual — a slightly different value for each altitude, air temperature and gross weight. For practical purposes one figure is enough ― perhaps the one for 10,000 feet in standard air. Better to have one figure in mind, than a whole set of figures in the glove compartment. Still better to make a chalk mark on instrument panel, opposite the right place on the rim of the airspeed indicator. Such a mark has persuasive powers at anxious moments.

The Turn Toward Lower Terrain

This is the emergency exit from bad situations. If you can’t climb any more, or get a sudden sink, you turn toward lower terrain. It’s really obvious. The trick is at that moment to be in a position to do it! The Western pilot avoids sticking his nose into any place where such a turn cannot be made. He flies across a ridge slope-wise; in flying up a canyon or narrow V-shaped valley, he holds to one side; he always keeps that turn open. He is not afraid to fly quiet close to terrific mountain walls and cliffs ― provided he can keep them at his side, not in front.

Downdrafts

With your rate of climb so poor, it is often futile to fight a downdraft by trying to out climb it. The climb, by slowing you up, keeps you in the downdraft longer; and the net result is more sink. Better, usually, to put the nose down a bit, pick up some speed and get out of there in a hurry. (We avoid the word “dive” because it sounds too wild. There are mountain situations with rough air when you want to avoid high airspeeds, because you might get hit by a gust.) Our new man should understand the technique of the soaring pilot who puts his nose down in the downs, holds it up in the ups. That way, he spends less time in the downs, more time in the ups, and absorbs energy from the atmosphere. The pilot of the small airplane can do the same, or at least avoid doing the contrary.

The Landing at High Elevations is no Problem

This is a most pleasant fact and our man should know it. It will put him at ease. Many people almost naturally assume that the high elevation landing is stretched out in the same proportion as the take-off is. If this were true, we would have a problem! But it is not true. The mountain air does not stretch the landing in the same proportion as it stretches the take-off. If a high elevation airport is big enough to take-off, it is super-ample for landing.

I think we should tell the new man: forget the elevation. Land as you would at home. That’s what everybody ends up by doing. Specifically: make your approach at the same indicated airspeed as you would at home under similar conditions of turbulence, load, and field length. If the airspeed indicator feels the same, the wing feels the same, and the airplane power-off, behaves the same.

It is true that there are some fine points of difference. The glide (true airspeed) is faster, by maybe 20% than at sea level; the landing is faster, and the landing run is longer. Bumps in the runway are a little more noticeable. So are the imperfections, if any, in the pilot’s technique ― bounces, drop-ins, not taking all the drift out. The glide angle, power-off, is a little steeper, because at the higher true airspeed, the idling engine exerts more drag. The flare-out is a shade different, owing to the higher true airspeed and the slightly steeper glide angle: it is as if you were landing a slightly more heavily wing loaded airplane. But these effects are not highly noticeable. In fact, it is hard to demonstrate them. I think they fall within that band of errors and uncertainties that accompanies any approach and landing — up-and-down drafts, wind gradient effect, small errors of judgement ― the pilot is all primed in any case to take care of them: something tells him he needs to drop the nose, to apply a bit of power right now, etc.: there high elevation effects wash out in this more general uncertainty. And the practical truth is that there is no important difference between a power-off approach and landing at sea level and the same maneuver conducted at 7,500 feet.

A Wrong Idea

A lot of airplanes are bent in the high country because the stranger, fighting imaginary dangers, burns them on at high speed. You know how it is: he adds a couple of knots for the wife and kiddies, and a few for gusts, and a few more for being a stranger. Maybe his instructor built in a few extra knots at the outset, by never teaching him a slow, tail-down landing. If he now adds ten knots for thin air, it really is too much!

A psychological factor then comes into play. In the over fast approach and flare-out, the airplane is too responsive and jumpy. It reacts to turbulence too strongly, and also to the controls. The pilot wobbles and over controls as he floats and floats. This, in turn, produces a sort of synthetic turbulence; and that makes him want to use still more speed! That way you get one of these landings where the airplane is light on its main wheels, and the brakes don’t hold. Perhaps the airplane “wheelbarrows” on the nose wheel and sidles off the runway.

So I think we should advise the new man; “land as you land at home.” No tricks, of course. No attempts to pull off a real short landing. By all means allow extra speed for extra weight, allow for being a stranger, allow for turbulence. But do not allow extra for the thin air. That allowance is already built into the behavior of the airspeed indictor.

Once this is understood and really believed, we are free to tell our new man about some aspects of high country landing that are a little different.

The Mixture Again

If the pilot goes by the low level book ― mixture full-rich, carburetor heat on, flaps down — he will be in poor shape for a go-a-round. He would have to get his flaps at least partly up, his carburetor heat off, his mixture leaned out, before he could do much climbing: he might forget one of those items, and get into trouble trying to climb in an airplane that won’t do it. So we should tell him ― on the approach, keep your mixture properly “de-riched;” use carburetor heat only as really needed; and in case of a go-around, don’t forget the flaps.

The Power Approach

To maintain the same descent slope as at sea level, and the same indicated airspeed, the airplane needs noticeably more power than at sea level. (Since for the same indicated airspeed our true airspeed is about 20% faster, we need about 20% more RPM than we need at sea level.) This makes a lot more noise. It soundslike a lot more extra power than it really is. It shouldn’t really matter because, in any case, what we do in a power-on approach is to maintain the airspeed with the elevator and adjust the throttle experimentally so as to get the desired angle of descent. It ought to make no difference to us that here in the high country we wind up with the throttle a little further forward, and a little more buzz.

It is not difficult, it is merely different. But in our flying we rely a lot on things notbeing different. We expect certain numbers, certain noises, certain control positions and pressures, to get us certain results. And when they don’t we may be a little slow in noticing it. So, in this case, our man will probably get a little low before he wakes up to the need for more power. And now, having got a little low, he will have to put an extra lot of extra power to get in.

This happens, I think, to everybody. Some let it undermine their confidence in the mountain air. “Gee,” they say, “this air is so thin ― if you didn’t use a lot of power, you’d drop right in.” Not so. A power-off glide would have come out perfectly normal. A power glide needs a little more power, that’s all.

Slope

Naturally, in mountain country many runways are uphill or downhill. Naturally, one would like to land uphill. But this may mean a tailwind. What to do?

Rule: Slope is more important than wind. The higher the country, and the heavier your load, and the less high powered your airplane, the more so. Western pilots land uphill, take off downhill, almost regardless of wind. They accept quite considerable tailwinds. If the tailwind is toostrong, they don’t use that field that day.

Of course, everything depends on the how much: how much slope, how much wind, load, elevation, power, etc. It is impossible to give a rule. Besides our man would find it difficult to judge slope and wind velocity from the air, so a rule would do him no good. But we should bias his mind: respect for slope, comparative disregard for wind.

Slope is a help, not a hindrance. It is what makes those glacier landings possible. Because of slope, runways which look too high or too short on the map may be quite comfortable. Unless you know the slope, the published runway lengths have little meaning and usually make the field look worse on the map than it is in reality.

Committed

The uphill landing has a string attached to it: you can’t go around. At least, not with a low powered, heavily loaded airplane, at high elevation, and if the slope is strong. Here again, everything depends; but if our man tries to go around where he shouldn’t we would have the makings of a bad accident. The terrain rises faster than he can climb. He can’t turn, at least not quickly, because the extra drag of the turn would stop his climb altogether. It is a good situation to stay away from. What follows? Or rather: what comes first? Our new man should be briefed. On the final approach to a markedly uphill landing there comes a Decision Point. If he goes on down beyond that, he can no longer go around, he then must get the airplane on the ground ― even if this means, perhaps, overrunning the end of the runway and bending something. Fortunately, he is quite unlikely to overshoot an uphill land, for reasons which follow.

Landing While Climbing

Uphill landings require extra airspeed.

The flare-out to an uphill landing is a super-flare-out, so to speak: you bend the flight path from downward not only to level but to upward. This takes extra airspeed, or else a blast of extra power during the flare. The usual story, the first time, is that the pilot at the last moment runs out of airspeed and/or elevator control, and makes a hard, bumped-on landing. Well, forewarned is fore-armed. A blast of power at the right moment will remedy the trouble. An extra few mph of airspeed, on the approach, will prevent it. So what seems like a difficulty is actually a pleasant fact. It makes life easier. On the approach to an uphill landing you can afford an ample air-speed and still not float a long way. If you do float, the float, too, is uphill and therefore short. The landing run, too, is uphill. This is one reason why, on an upslope landing, a tailwind is quite acceptable.

Tilt

An optical illusion makes you fly low and slow.

In the final approach to an upslope landing, the pilot is powerfully beset by an optical illusion. He thinks he is higher than he really is, relative to the intended touch-down point. He also thinks he is more nose down than he really is. He therefore flies lower and slower than he intends to fly. What brings on the illusion is that the runway slants up, but the pilot’s eye/mind interprets it as being level. Tilt!

This is illustrated here. Note that Picture A is simply a copy of Picture B, tilted exactly the way the pilot’s mind tilts the situation. Picture A is the illusion. Picture B is the reality. Note that the runway appears to the pilot in exactly the same perspective in both cases. It also appears at the same angle underneath the airplane’s nose, in both cases. All that is needed is the mental tilt, and it will make the pilot misjudge position and attitude by quite a lot. It is a powerful illusion.

There is another version of the same thing ― even more sneaky. The airport lies on a smooth plain, many miles from any mountains. The runway does not visibly slope relative to the terrain immediately surrounding it. But the whole plain is sloping up quite strongly toward those distant mountains. Your eye does not appreciate this slope ― at least, not fully.

In Practice

The pilot has two ways to break the power of this optical illusion.

Pay attention to his airplane ― his airspeed indicator, his trim, his stick forces. “Attitude Flying” is no good if you judge your attitude from a phony reference!

He should let his eye sweep over the whole scenery, instead of getting too hypnotized by the perspective of the runway. His eye will then usually perceive the slope of runway, the slope of the plain upon which the airport lies, the whole lay of the land. The optical illusion will be gone. Will it? Perhaps not quite. It is very powerful. It works on you even when you know what’s happening. It sort of sucks you down.

What is the effect? Here again, it takes the pilot a little time to realize what’s happening. (It will take him less time if we have forewarned him.) By the time he wakes up, he is quite low and perhaps quite slow. He now will have to add a lot of power to drag himself in. I have sometimes goofed so badly that my “final” was really a stretch of level flight, across up-sloping terrain, to the touch-down point. This sequence of events ― the optical illusion that puts you down, the delayed reaction, the subsequent need for a lot of power ― may be another reason why people sometimes claim that the high country air doesn’t hold you up properly. The contrary is true. The mountain air is OK! The best way to calm down one’ approaches and avoid that last minute roar of power, is to plan a high, steep approach, using little or no power. “Land as you would at home.”

Take-Off or Landing

When in doubt about some ranch strip or other non-standard field, why not try it first alone? Park the family and try for yourself, light. Then, when you have the measure of the field, come back and ferry people and luggage, maybe in two trips. This is only common sense. But in the real-life situation it sometimes does not seem to occur to people that they have that option.

En Route

What can we tell the new man, beforehand, that will be useful to him in high country? It’s difficult. Flying is flying and air is air, and once we are up and en route it makes less difference what the country is like. On the other hand, all the factors are so variable; terrain, weather, season, airplane, load. It seems almost impossible to say anything except “Take it easy.”

Just the same, there are tendencies for things to behave in certain ways.

Routes

Clouds, showers, thunderstorms, snow showers tend to build up over the mountains first, and sometimes over the mountains only, leaving the valleys clear for easy flying. It is therefore much easier to follow the early transcontinental airways ― which, in turn, followed the early transcontinental railroads, which, in turn, favored the low and flat passages.

For the same reason, it pays to cross the big humps early in the day, and perhaps cross them where they are lower. On any particular trip this may turn out to be poor advice. On enough trips, it will average right.

The Winds

Local winds tend to blow up the slopes in the daytime, down the valleys at night ― provided, of course, the overall wind is not so strong that it overpowers those local tendencies. Turn-around time is before sunset. By sunset a strong local breeze blows down many canyons. This is the best time to land on a canyon or valley runway ― upwind, upslope. The best time for take-off downhill but not downwind is midmorning after the downhill winds have stopped, but before the air gets too hot.

The higher the country, the tougher it can get. It is not always tough. It can be calm, sunny and smooth among the big summits. But it can turn tougher, faster, in the really high country. The airplane’s performance is poor. The weather is more inclined to violent changes, cloud build-ups, snow showers, strong winds, downdrafts, turbulence.

Rotors

In the very high country, Sierra Nevada, for example, or the Rocky Mountains West of Denver, in days with strong winds aloft, you are in the region of Standing Waves or Lee Waves, and their associated “Rotors.” Here, small areas of really extremely rough air can be found; sometimes with clear air, sometimes with generally smooth air all around. It pays to be suspicious.

More airplanes have been lost in those very high sectors than seems explainable by the standard causes ― weather, engine trouble, out of gas, etc. In my personal opinion Rotor turbulence got some of them. We should caution the new man: Flying at mountain peak level on days with strong winds aloft, be cautious. How? Don’t build up high airspeeds, even though the air at the moment may be smooth. And tighten the seat belt down hard, so you don’t suddenly hit the roof.

It’s True

What else? Oh yes: all that propaganda about oxygen above 10,000 feet ― it’s real.

Lack of oxygen really does make people unobservant, stupid, and clumsy. And this sad state really is not noticeable to the pilot himself.

That sums up what I think the new pilot can usefully be told, beforehand, about flying in the high country. It assumes that he knows how to fly an airplane, knows VFR from IFR, knows about line-of-sight reception of omni ranges, and generally is a man of sense.

Can we put information of this sort into a sort of check list? I have tried that in the following bunch of questions and answers. The idea is that an instructor or more experienced pilot could ask the questions. For that matter, anybody could. If our man can recite the right answers, we can consider that we have prepared him for his high country trip ― so far as this can be done with words.

Note that there are no explanations. If our man believes our statements he will think out, argue out, or read up on the reasons. There are no trick questions. We are not trying to deepen our man’s understanding of flying, let alone test it; we merely want to make sure he has in mind, ready for use, certain ideas, facts, possible courses of action, that may be of value to him.

Note that there is little imperative in this check list. It is not our purpose to admonish anybody to be good. There’s too much of that around! There also are no skulls and cross-bones, no “Always” and no “Never.” What follows is awfully mild and bland. May it be useful.

Q. What is the main difference in airplane performances at high elevation fields?

A. A long take-off run and a shallow climb.

Q. What is the cause of this performance loss?

A. Thin air, caused in about equal parts by high elevation and high air temperature.

Q. What can a pilot do to make up for some of this performance loss?

A. Keep his load light. Take off at times when the air is cool.

Q. What special pilot technique is needed for high country flying?

A. Adjust the mixture for best power before take-off. Do not return the mixture to full-rich for the landing approach.

Q. At what air speed does an airplane have its best rate of climb?

A. The speed is different for each airplane. It is slightly different for each altitude. It is shown in the Owners Manual. For my airplane at 7500 feet, on a warm day, it is 88 mph (indicated).

Q. What is the effect of flaps on take-off?

A. They shorten the take-off run, but lessen the rate of climb.

Q. When a pilot encounters a strong downdraft what should we do?

A. Instead of trying to out climb the downdraft, he should pick up speed and fly out of the downdraft.

Q. When flying close to mountains, what is the main safety rule?

A. Stay in a position to turn toward lower terrain.

Q. In a landing approach at a high elevation field, what should the airspeed indicator read?

A. The same it would read at a low elevation airport under similar conditions of load, wind, and turbulence.

Q. Is a power-on approach to a high elevation field different from a power-on approach to a low elevation field?

A. More power is needed to maintain the same indicated airspeed at the same angle of descent.

Q. If a runway has a strong slope, what is more important ― wind direction or slope?

A. Slope is usually more important than wind. You land uphill, take off downhill almost regardless of wind. If the unfavorable wind is too strong, you don’t use that field that day.

Q. Does a sloping runway present a problem to the pilot?

A. On final approach for an upslope landing there is an optical illusion which makes the pilot think he is higher than he really is and more nose-down than he really is. This tends to make him fly too low and too slow.

Q. In landing uphill on a markedly sloping runway pilots often experience a last moment surprise. What is it?

A. They find they have insufficient airspeed to accomplish the uphill flare and they make a hard landing.

Q. In landing uphill at a strongly sloping field, what should the pilot have in mind as he “thinks ahead of the airplane?”

A. Do not attempt a go-around toward rising terrain ahead.

Q. When in doubt about take-off or landing at some high elevation field, what is a good course of action?

A. Try the field first alone, with a light load.

Q. Is anything predictable about mountain weather?

A. Clouds, showers and snow flurries and thunderstorms often build up over the mountains while the valleys are clear.

Q. How do you choose easy routes through high country?

A. The lower, flatter routes often have better weather.

Q. What is usually the best time to cross big mountain ranges?

A. Early in the day.

Q. What is the effect of altitude on the pilot?

A. Above 10,000 feet unless the pilot takes oxygen he becomes unobservant, stupid, and clumsy. Above 12,000 the loss of ability is severe. It gets worse the longer the pilot stays at altitude without oxygen.

Q. Is this loss of ability noticeable to the pilot himself?

A. No.

The post From the archives: Wolfgang Langewiesche on mountain flying appeared first on Air Facts Journal.

from Engineering Blog https://airfactsjournal.com/2019/04/from-the-archives-wolfgang-langewiesche-on-mountain-flying/

[epchapman89]

Coffee Books: The Sprudge Holiday Buying Guide

They say that knowledge is power. Books are like 90 percent knowledge by weight, so this holiday season, give the gift of mostly-power to your loved ones. “Power do to what?” you ask rhetorically. Why, the power to be better at coffee of course. Whether you’re making it, finding it, or talking about it, there have been a host of wonderful books to be published recently on one of the many facets of coffeedom.

And the best part about giving coffee books as gifts is that is a completely selfish act in the guise of thoughtfulness. The giftee will be all like, “Oh what a thoughtful gift. You really get me!” And you can be all, “Yep, I sure do. Hey, this one seems to say that you need to work on your pouring technique; maybe you should give that a try now.” And boom, you’re getting better coffee served at your every beck and call because you are the giver of such a thoughtful and indebting gift.

Being scholars (and sometimes contributors) to the dark arts, we at Sprudge have already devoured these new coffee texts and can confirm that they are of the utmost quality, sure to make the reader a better coffee person, and you look like a thoughtful gift giver. It’s a win-win (but you win more).

Coffee Art

Say what you will about the importance of latte art, a really lovely rosetta served to a family member is the surest way to exhibit your home coffee prowess. Coffee Art, a new book from five-time UK Latte Art Champion Dhan Tamang, will teach you not only how to pour better hearts, tulips, and rosettas, but it also provides tutorials on more obscure etchings and 3D art, all accompanied with beautiful color photography examples. From the fundamentals of achieving proper milk texture to step-by-step guides to recreating some of Tamang’s signature pours, Coffee Art is sure to take your latte art to a whole new level.

Coffee Art retails for £10 ($12.99 USD) and is available through Octopus Books and major book retailers.

Where To Drink Coffee

One of the scariest parts of visiting a new city is having no idea where you can actually get good coffee. Not all specialty cafes are created equally and no one wants to schlep to the other side of a new town on a suspect recommendation only to be left wanting. Where To Drink Coffee makes sure this won’t ever happen to you no matter where you are in the world. Published by Phaidon—the folks behind such guidebooks as Where Chefs Eat and Where Bartenders Drink—Where To Drink Coffee is authored by Avidan Ross and Sprudge associate editor Liz Clayton and features contributions from some of your favorite Sprudge writers (a well-traveled and worldly lot if I’ve ever seen one) as well as veritable who’s who of coffee pros. If ever there were a group of people you’d want coffee shop suggestions from, it would be these folks.

Where To Drink Coffee retails for $29.95 and is available through Phaidon and major book retailers. 

What I Know About Running Coffee Shops

Colin Harmon is a four-time Irish Barista Champion and founder of 3fe Coffee in Dublin, a cafe that has provided some of my best coffee shop experiences to date. Basically, when Harmon offers advice on how to run a successful coffee shop, you listen. What I Know About Running Coffee Shops is all of his years of coffee experience categorized and collated, in print form. Though perhaps unsexy topics, Harmon’s book tackles issues on choosing buildings, staffing, milk, marketing, culture, and just about everything else needed to keep a cafe afloat in the nefarious world of thin margins. For anyone toying with the idea of taking the plunge into cafe ownership, this book is a must-read.

What I Know About Running Coffee Shops retails for €30 and is available through the book’s official website.

Craft Coffee: A Manual

Despite its ubiquity amongst home users, brewed coffee is often a lackluster affair outside of a cafe setting. But thanks to Craft Coffee: A Manual, that may not be the case for much longer. Written by Jessica Easto—not a “coffee professional—with the help of her husband and coffee educator at Halfwit Coffee Andreas Willhoff, Craft Coffee is a beautifully written guide to improving your home coffee no matter what your brew method or current coffee setup. Whether you’re buying your first v60 or have every piece of brewing equipment on earth, Easto and Willholf provide clear steps to improving your cup as well as the theories underlying them. If this book doesn’t make your brew better, then I’m coming over to your house every morning, because your coffee is already top notch.

Craft Coffee: A Manual retails for $19.95 and is available through Agate Publishing and major book retailers.

Coffeeography: The Coffee Producers

Not all coffee books have to be about making coffee, you know. Some can enhance your appreciation for the world’s most popular beverage by providing you with a more complete view of the people who make it all possible. That’s the idea behind Coffeeography: The Coffee Producers by Stephen Leighton. The founder of Hasbean, co-owner of 3fe and Drop Coffee, co-host of Tamper Tantrum, and emcee of many World Barista Championships, Leighton is a man of many interests, and most of them are coffee-related. Relying on his many years visiting origin and 30,000+ photos taken during those trips, Leighton’s newest project profiles 40 coffee producers from 11 different countries. Through beautiful color photos and interview-style discussion, Coffeeography: The Coffee Producers brings to life stories not often told but nonetheless some of the most important in coffee.

Coffeeography: The Coffee Producers retails for £19.99 and is available through Hasbean.co.uk.

Zac Cadwalader is the news editor at Sprudge Media Network and a staff writer based in Dallas. Read more Zac Cadwalader on Sprudge.

*top image via Dame Magazine

The post Coffee Books: The Sprudge Holiday Buying Guide appeared first on Sprudge.

seen 1st on http://sprudge.com

[hoenn-gothic]

Let me explain that last post while we’re waiting here in Lilycove for the ship to arrive. Yeah, I’m not repeating the Kalos landing disaster. No more free-flying between regions for Lo and I for a while.

Like a month ago I was at home watching International Geographic when this show came on about some underwater ruins in a region called Ostrale. It was pretty cool. Even Titus woke up for a bit and watched. I can’t remember ever seeing anything like that on my travels. Some of the sunken statues and things actually reminded me of the designs in the Unovan desert ruins, distantly. They didn’t really show the rest of the region, but it's different from Hoenn. Interesting architecture and diverse Pokemon population. Also there’s actual snow. 

Well. I mean it’s been what, 2 years since Kalos? Never even made it to Alola like I originally planned.

And the kid who works at the PokeMart, who I talk to now and then - Leighton - is making me nervous. Ever since he got his starter and I came back from vacation, he keeps trying to corner me for advice and pick-up battles. He follows me around everywhere like a patient cat. I don’t want to tell him to go away, exactly. I’ve sort of watched him grow up and he’s not especially annoying or otherwise interesting. He just needs a real mentor. There’s a legit gym leader on the island and he wants to hang around an awkward loser.

Although Brawly is weirdly intense. Hoenn has all the oddball gym leaders.

So I kinda made up my mind to go check this place out. We’re just gonna wing it, land in Debialos City (yay for more unpronounceable foreign names) and then wander around and find a hotel wherever. Hang around for a few weeks, maybe. Mari and some other Mons and I went swimming in the ocean to practice a bit for the underwater ruins before we left, she liked that. And Thierry’s actually excited in his strange ghostly way (progress? progress.) It’ll do them all good, to go see some new things.

And maybe Leighton will get tired of me disappearing all the time and find someone else to pick on.

[alanafsmith]

City firms’ ‘worst nightmare’ realised? Machines victorious in lawyer vs robot challenge

But results should be approached with caution

The results of the CaseCrunch challenge being announced

A case-predicting robot has proved victorious in a man vs machine challenge previously described as “arrogant nonsense” by a top solicitor.

The prediction-off was organised by a bunch of Cambridge law students and graduates who first broke into the lawtech scene with their crime-identifying LawBot. Several rebrands later, the team is now called CaseCrunch and decided to prove its tech’s worth by pitting it against the brainpower of some of the country’s top lawyers.

According to CaseCrunch 112 lawyers took part in the challenge, these hailing from the likes of Allen & Overy, DLA Piper, Bird & Bird, Berwin Leighton Paisner and Eversheds Sutherland. These legal eagles were presented with factual scenarios of payment protection insurance (PPI) claims and were asked what the outcome of the claim would be, while the same scenarios were fed through CaseCrunch’s bot for predicting too. Two judges, a Cambridge law lecturer and a big data director, were tasked with making sure the challenge was fair.

The latest comments from across Legal Cheek

CaseCrunch has now announced its win over the human teams, scoring an accuracy of 87% compared to lawyers’ 62%. The figures are impressive, but should lawyers be worried? Pinsent Masons‘ David Halliwell, speaking before the result was revealed, did note a machine victory could be a nightmare for lawyers:

@PinsentMasons is a sponsor for the #LawyerChallenge. Apparently it will be either a "dream come true" or a "nightmare" – what do you think? pic.twitter.com/T2Ek5y9QFi

— CaseCrunch (@Case_Crunch) October 22, 2017

But let’s approach this victory with caution. In the words of CaseCrunch’s scientific director, Ludwig Bull:

“These results do not mean that machines are generally better at predicting outcomes than human lawyers. These results show that if the question is defined precisely, machines are able to compete with and sometimes outperform human lawyers.”

What the robot cannot do, at this stage anyway, is emulate the personable nature of legal services. This was the ammunition behind top litigation lawyer David Greene’s CaseCrunch-directed outburst, in which he described the challenge as “arrogant nonsense”. Greene later told Legal Cheek:

“That arrogant toad ‘I told you so!’ Susskind has for long been banging on about technology and its effect on legal services. But his is generally about digital technology and the place it has in making the processing and provision of legal advice and assistance more efficient. That does not counter the fundament of the business being a people to people business.”

In response, Bull told us: “machines will not replace lawyers and [we aren’t] trying to change that. Machines can help lawyers understand the law and maybe even make it clearer and more just.”

The post City firms’ ‘worst nightmare’ realised? Machines victorious in lawyer vs robot challenge appeared first on Legal Cheek.

from All About Law https://www.legalcheek.com/2017/10/city-firms-worst-nightmare-machines-victorious-in-lawyer-vs-robot-challenge/