#but maybe by cota i’ll feel better

[landoloveclub]

sooooo…. it’s been a while how is everyone

[mysteriouslyjovialcolor]

Austria 2018

-Shortest circuit of the season

-Mercedes have won here since 2014! And have a front row lockout again!

-Championship battle between Seb and Lewis again

-Very random but the graphics are better this season

-Ooh Valterri has pole!

-Oh? Daniel’s 29th birthday? Nice!

-Carlos is in Renault!

-Pfft apparently Ocon and Gasly are already clashing (they’re not even on the same team yet)

-Charles Leclerc is here this season!!!

-I’m looking forward to seeing his old races

-Fernando starting from the pit lane (Maybe I’ll actually see someone start from there this time)

-“Lance Stroll who is a traditionally very fast starter” Is it the Aston Martin that sucks then?

-“Only 2 drivers have ever won a Grand Prix on their birthday” who??

-George Russell!!!!

-Ohmygod Kimi had such a good start and then he lost it!!

-Both the Ferraris going wide

-Can I root for Nico having a good race this time or is that a lost cause?

-Charles going up 3 places 👏👏

-Oh no he went wide! He’s p19 now! (I may have jinxed him 🫣)

-Toto’s reactions are so emphatic

-Not me focusing more on Charles moving from p19 to p17 than focusing on whatever is happening out in the front

-“Nico Hulkenburg in trouble I think there” NO! ABSOLUTELY NOT! JUST WHY!

-I hate this Renault

-Sigh, at least let Sainz pick up a point or two

-Oh no! Valterri retiring too??

-I’m sensing that the cars did not in fact get better in 2018

-Stacking pit stops for one team looks very cool

-Yay Sainz in points

-New season and still no radio subtitles, the disappointment is real

-Ricciardo p3!! Red Bull 2-3!!

-Kimi locked up so many times this race

-The Williams and Sauber look so similar

-Fred Vasseur is Sauber’s team principal? No wonder Charles works well with him now, he basically debuted under him

-Lewis running out of power too?

-Just learnt about blistering in real time. Really wish I didn’t learn about that through Daniel Ricciardo’s tires

-Sainz has dropped to p17, my curse on Renault worked a little too well (It was supposed to avoid you Carlos, I’m sorry)

-I’m going to be so sad if Daniel loses p2 on his birthday

-Big sigh

-That was a smooth overtake by Vettel on Hamilton

-Ferrari 2-3 now

-James Vowles: “Lewis, sorry. I have thrown away the win today but you can still go back up there, I believe in you”

-If I was Lewis I would so curse the man out

-Oh come on, let the Ferraris race

-I’m going to be so annoyed if the team just makes them swap positions without letting them fight

-“What about Max Verstappen?” “Is he still in the race?” lol as he leads 7 seconds ahead

-Oh Charles in p13

-p12

-“I’m feeling good so don’t worry” At least Max is having a good day

-Haas is having a good day too, which is really weird to say, but I hope they have a good day at COTA 2024 too

-Oh for god’s sake, Red Bull was supposed to have a better car this season, why is Daniel out rn, on his birthday too

-At least Charles is in the points now

-“We are not okay, we are not okay” I see the Toro Rosso has not improved at all

-From a Mercedes 1-2 to a Red Bull 1-2. If Ferrari manage to overtake Max, it would be a Ferrari 1-2.

-That would be a crazy race run

-“Unless, if the two Ferraris and Red Bull blow their tires up now, Hamilton might still have a chance here” Now that’s a tall order

-Nice move there from Checo

-Woah cars up to p5 have been lapped

-Oh no Charles out of the points again

-* gasp * Lewis actually lost power! No way!

-Who put a curse on the Mercedes this race??

-My only consolation, once again, is that this means Charles is back in the points

-p9!

-“They’re looking maybe for some divine inspiration to help Max Verstappen to win the race here” yes me too

-“I think he should keep that rear tire if he wins this Grand Prix, make a coffee table out of it”

“Kiss it for good luck maybe”

Oh these guys think they’re so funny

-One more lap, ohmygod this is stressful, I can’t believe I’m worrying about tires, what has life come to

-Come on come on come on

-Let’s go Max!!!!!

“Aah this is amazing, in front of all those fans, in the Red Bull ring, with a Red Bull” yesss let’s go!

-Aww the mechanics just pulling him into a group hug

“Your fourth Red Bull victory. It felt like your first now with Kimi Raikkonen chasing you down till the last lap” That’s such a good call back

-The last time Mercedes had a double mechanical retirement was in 1955- that’s crazy. They really did get cursed.

-They’re all so cute on the podium

-Adorable fr

[f0point5]

Did you ever make the ranking of the drivers based on aura... I know we got the looks but I cant remember if the aura was put out.

Also... I feel like Lando has back tracked with his PR lately like he was better around COTA and then he just slid backwards. He's like super attached to this woe is me, victim underdog mentality.

ALSO all these fans crucifying F1 media for using Landos crash last year but crickets when Silverstone 2021 is brought up......

No 😂 I started it it’s still in my notes but there was so much to consider haha maybe I’ll go back to it.

Lando had such a MOMENT after that autumn break. He was so coherent and articulate for the whole of the Austin weekend. Mexican air cooked him idk. Tbh I do think the race in Mexico was the moment he realised he was pretty much finished for the championship because Max really would not allow him to win come hell or high water.

I don’t think Lando victimises himself anywhere near the amount it seems like he does because his fans do it for him. I think he probably does see himself as a bit hard done by but all people with an ego do. It’s the fans that make him seem like this sad sack who’s always on the verge of a breakdown. He is attached to the underdog narrative about the car though and that is a bit funny to me.

Also, people did complain when Sky used Max’s crash in the Christmas advert. It was just Max fans. Now Lando fans are complaining about them using Lando’s crash. Standard. Sky using either crash is pretty insane tbh.

[my-opinions]

Max vs Charles: A Long unnecessary essay, it is entertaining though

 Right now, the only thing that could stop Max is a shitty car, which is likely not going to happen. The only people who are capable of such, is Lewis (who is driving a tractor) and Charles (whose team is Ferrari). For the sake of the argument, and not trying to bore you, I’ll look at just Charles.

For the next couple of years, possibly until the regulation change in 2026, I think Max will be winning,or at bare minimum fighting, for the title every year. Unless some junior comes up the ranks ridiculously fast and is amazing (Oscar Piastri has got an almost flawless junior career, Kimi Antonelli looks to be the next big thing, we have yet to see Lando in a competitive car) there is simply no one I see beating Max.

But back onto Charles vs Max. I think at the core of it, Max is generational while Charles is just really good. Because there will be times where Charles is better and makes less mistakes and will be quicker. (In my personal opinion, Charles is the best qualifier on the grid, not just this year but the man managed to get two poles in the absolute disaster of a car last year, I think this is an area where Charles is better, tbh if he keeps this up he’ll probably go down as one of the greatest qualifiers in history)

But it is also unfair of me to say straight away that Max is better than Charles simply based on the limited racing we’ve seen with them. The only half fare (as in similar cars, because Cota, Hungary, etc. was barely a ‘fight’ and you know it) racing we’ve see between them was Austria and Saudi. There was the 2019 season but that was still only Charles’ second year in formula 1 while Max reached his 100 race mark that year (something Charles only did this year), so I feel it would be doing a disservice to him. So maybe this whole pinning them as these rivals who have hated each other since karting needs to wait until we’ve seen a season long battle between the two where they’re fighting it out every race.

But I feel like that is the problem. The media love a good story. If this whole rivalry thing between them does “work out” and they become the next Schumacher and Hakkinen or Prost and Senna, then God will it be a good story. Charles already has (overly romanticized) lore surrounding him with Jules and his father and his whole il predestinato thing he has going. The red prince, all that jazz. And Max is so good, he’s already hated. The anti-hero if you will (swifties you get me) I saw on another post that Charles and Max are living embodiment of their teams and I couldn’t agree more. Max exists as a fuck you towards the world, a nepotism baby who is better than their father. Someone who doesn’t care how he’s perceived as long as he’s winning. On the other hand, you have Charles, whose blood runs Ferrari red. Maybe cares too much but has that passion that so few have after they’ve been torn down so many times. The fact that they were born barley two weeks apart then competed at karting. It’s a rivalry that’s written in the stars (can you tell I just want a proper Charles/Max championship fight)

Back to the original idea of Max vs Charles (sorry I got distracted), I think it will be VERY difficult for anyone to beat Max and Redbull in their current form, BUT I feel Charles will definitely make it difficult to him. He’s the only one who is near Max (sans Lewis) and will be a pain is his ass. IF (very big IF) Ferrari get their act together, it will become a serious problem for both Redbull and Max. Even if Max is the better driver (and he is, a lot of the time), Ferrari and Charles will be there to wreck absolute havoc and I cannot wait.

Max may be the best but I would never discount Charles.

[noragoldengaze]

Backlog

Daily Affirmation: Not all my efforts go unnoticed.

Today’s Lesson: Phantoms never leave us.

Tomorrow I will be better by: letting the dead weight leave the camp and get abducted.

Hours of sleep in the last twenty-four hours: three

They still watch us. Even Cota has seen them, so I don’t feel quite irrational about it. It’s reassuring and terrifying to be proven right. Sleep is becoming a luxury that I am ordered to have now. The wildlife collection I promised the Good Doctor is starting to grow. Hopefully, he won't need much more than what I've acquired.

They’ve assigned me a trial. One step closer so he can move as he wills rather than be under the thumb and limitations of others. What a role reversal. It seems simple enough on the surface, but all things that appear easy are difficult in the execution. I’ll find Cota in the new few days and confer with her since she knows the area best. Perhaps there is some common ground between her world in mine.

I’ve been thinking since my discussion with Cota while were on watch. It twists my heart to learn that I was part of the slaughter of Wolf’s people in my first week with the company. It wasn’t discussed by anyone, only the bemoaning of the ruined building. To think Iron Sand would send Wolf’s own people to her new family for them to be slaughtered. How can she look at any of us and not remember that? It’s despicable and demoralizing.

And something I would have done.

When that thought entered my mind, I realized how personal all these attacks are. The Good Doctor commented that the group we are facing isn’t effective because they aren’t swooping in to wipe us out in one fatal blow. But this is torture. A slow and prolonged torture meant to break the spirit and will. Knowing the theme of the enemy, their actions make sense to me. He won’t see it my way despite my attempt to explain because it doesn’t fit into his way of thinking and appears illogical. But I understand it. Maybe too well. It’s all done to inflict pain, to prolong the suffering, and kill with a thousand cuts rather than a swift and merciless blow. And if I were them, I know what I would do next. Do I let it manifest or trust in leadership to hold the course?

My suspicions that Shey is a spy continue to grow. She arrived right as we left for the sojourn, is a conjurer (a group of conjurers attempted to abduct Kedha), and always happens to know what is happening when most others don’t. I’ve watched her for the last few days ask questions in regard to individuals' wellbeing and pasts. Gauging current moral? Looking for vulnerabilities? Shey attempted to delve into my justification for wearing my mask but I was able to redirect the conversation enough times that she stopped trying. I won’t give her an inch. She plays the good girl part well enough, but it is the easiest face to wear. If I mention my suspicion to the Good Doctor, he will just look at me in silence and then tell me I am being irrational. I will continue to watch and evaluate until I have proof of my claim. Maybe the gods will see fit to bless me by being wrong.

“One minute, he’s there at the house leaving for some mission, the next he’s left us all behind…left his wife behind.”

Chasing phantoms.

I must have heard this story a thousand times with different characters and settings. Have even played a part in it a time or two on and off the stage. The phrase rings a little truer to me than usual today. My phantoms are in my past, but they are part of my future and what guides my hand in the present. I’m a living legacy to the fact they once lived. Poor Cota.

Operation Hate Flower is continuing as expected. Pieces are in place and now it is only a matter of time before she springs the trap on herself. Sweet, bitter revenge will be mine.

Next Steps

200 push-ups

200 sit-ups

200 squats

13 malm run

[bilbos]

The Cota: A Snippet

I was feeling a bit inspired to write a small bit from my Nano fic! This is by no means how it will be in the final fic, but this is still a great scene to give y’all some insight to it!!

~ ~ ~

“Lucy, if you’re happy in a dream, does that mean you’re getting better?” you ask.

Lucy hums a little and sends you some warm energy your way. This just makes you sigh. It’s been over a week since your shop was broken into and destroyed. Some plants are making a comeback from the damage, but others are beyond repair, even with the help of your magic. You know that you need to get rid of them, but it hurts too much.

“I should have seen this coming,” you whisper, crying. “The world still hates us magic users. But I thought everything was going to be fine because Chris was so accepting.”

Lucy sends out some warm energy again, but you can tell that it’s taking a lot out of her. She’s still healing from the attack and she knows better than to exert herself, but Lucy knows that you need a healing touch right now. The community has helped you a little, but magic users are always a bit timid after an attack like this. You don’t blame them. After hundreds of years of being killed for just being themselves, it was a basic defense mechanism.

You hear the door open and Chris is standing in the doorway. He’s looking at you with so much pain and heartbreak in his eyes. It doesn’t make anything better, though. This is the first time that he’s been here since right after the attack. You stand up and raise an eyebrow.

“Look, I’m sorry,” Chris says.

All this does is make you roll your eyes. “It’s a little late for sorry, Chris.”

“I never meant for this to happen,” he pleads. “I can promise you that.”

“I’m sure you didn’t, but it still happened,” you reply. “Look, I’m going to need you to leave. I need to focus on healing and fixing my shop.”

“Let me help you,” he whispers. “Let me try and make things better.”

“If you want to make things better, you’ll listen to me and leave,” you shout.

Chris is taken aback and freezes.

“I hope you find a way to be yourself someday,” you say. “You deserve it. Maybe I’ll be able to know that Chris, but right now I need you to go.”

“If that’s what you need,” Chris whispers, heartbroken.

He leaves the shop slowly and looks back at you one last time before walking down the street. This just makes you break down crying. You never wanted to send Chris out of your life, but it’s what you need right now. Seeing him just causes you too much pain. Hopefully one day you really will be able to see Chris again without the pain.

[noragoldengaze]

Backlog

Daily Affirmation: I am steadfast in hard times.

Today’s Lesson: I can control myself, but not others.

Tomorrow I will be better by: returning to Pearl Lane.

The mission to Ul’dah went much better than I expected. I thought a handful of my group would accompany me, but nearly the entire active force of the company attended. The attention was well received and my act of good faith with the Queen of Rags was accepted. I am a little worried about Fahne since she took one of the street children to a private clinic of sorts. When I went to check up on the group later, I noticed several of the children were gone. I hope she knows what she got herself into.

I’ve returned Pearl Lane since then to go and work with the more seriously ill. Since I don’t have the ability to medically practice on company members, the homeless will have to do for now. Those abled gathered around me when I visited to request aid for their illnesses and injuries. I still haven’t been able to determine the source of their current sickness sweeping through. A few have food poisoning either from intention or eating rotten food. There are a few symptoms that I don’t understand and I’ll need to ask one of the trained staff at the company to help me. Tive seems less busy at the moment. I could ask Fahne, but she’s going to have her hands full with those children and her wedding prep. And the Good Doctor is still holed up. The Good Doctor would be my first choice, but maybe the gap there is by design.

Cota has dropped an apprentice onto me. She wants me to teach and shape him, but he seems too good-natured for the work I typically do. Ariteru is his name. I almost feel guilty at the thought of taking his good-natured personality and exposing it to the unforgiving reality of my world. I may keep him on the upper floor and teach him how to navigate people and fight. I scooped up Shiyuu into that training as well to avoid whatever teasing someone will throw my way. Shiyuu has the potential to work in the basement, but we’ll approach that in small steps.

And this may be for the best. The company is going to be working with the Alliance in the coming months. It will be interesting to see an adventuring group couple with a military organization. Maybe the members will take note of the chain of command and following orders. The new faces were interesting to watch. Some have a lot of promise to them, but I think I was more entertained by having to watch Cota interact with them all unexpectedly more than anything else. I am looking forward to learning more about them and working together in the coming months.

My first reservation for the Masked Winery went well. I’d expected difficulties, but all participants behaved within my expectations. The clean-up took me a few hours and I am grateful for the dark stone floors. What a strange parallel I walk right now. Or maybe it is a complementary skillset I am developing. I often do think of one when I do the other.

Kedha let Operation Frills slip on the linkshell and now I have Ryslo asking me about it. The number of days I can stall are few, but I will stall. I have to stall. He can’t learn the truth.

Next Steps

Analyze findings from Pearl Lane

Follow-up Operation Frills.

Restock medical bag

Start reading “Symptoms and Signs of Surgical Disease.”

[noragoldengaze]

Backlog

Daily Affirmation: Good things happen...sometimes?

Today’s Lesson: Some eggs crack easier than others.

Tomorrow I will be better by: being ready for long talks

Work Related

I finished reading Renvor’s report with the investor. Now I have an hourglass on my desk seeping away one grain at a time before Kedha will likely make an appearance. I can picture it already with her hands on her hips and chin lifted up. There will likely be other uncomfortable conversations I will need to have, but it is a small price to pay. I don’t regret any of it. Well, I do have a minor regret of the sixty million. There was a lot we could have done with that. But Cindri said no.

Interpersonal Relationships

I ended up reaching out to Cain and asking for insight. As much as I like to say I read and studied the topic I broached him on to exhaustion, I remain completely befuddled. Maybe the irony in all this is people come to me for this kind of guidance. Who does the helper go to when they need help? I continue to wonder if I have done something wrong or if there is some important step I have missed. Or would that be my insecurity raising its head? More than likely the latter. I have to start wondering what it is about Cain where I feel more comfortable about going to him for these topics than anyone else.

Sheep, Sheepdog, Wolf

I have a task for Lenoria and someone for her to meet and learn from. My stance on her promise hasn’t wavered since she came to me with her news. Ugh. I have yet to be approached, but it is only a matter of time at this rate. I sense and pick up minor hints of Ryslo moving about and trying to find answers. I gave Cota a warning so when he came for her, she wouldn’t be blindsided and have a response of sorts ready.

Other

I’ve been working on the book for the last few days. I’m a little concerned about the mount of inserts I am fitting into it and have to remind myself that I am doing this for myself and not for the great goal of...what? What would I do with a fictional story? I know in some cases they linger on and are highly discussed by academics, but my fictional tale isn’t along those lines. Maybe I will finish it and leave it somewhere to collect dust. Or maybe I’ll gift it. What would Cindri think of it, I wonder.

Next Steps

Keep practicing

Make a trap

Trigger the trap

[noragoldengaze]

Backlog

Daily Affirmation: I go beyond barriers to possibilities.

Today’s Lesson: Conversations go farther than most assume.

Tomorrow I will be better by: allowing my selfishness to surface in ways that doesn’t hurt others.

Problems that occur in the middle of the night are never pleasant. Such is the way of life. I have a feeling Lenoria will be hard on herself on the matter, but I’ll speak with her either today or in a few days and we can discuss best practices. A pity about it all, the player in that situation showed promise if not for their needs to feel superior in a social engagement. If anything, I am surprised it took as long as it did for something like this to happen. To intervene and redirect or to let it be. How valuable is the pawn in this case?

Lenoria continues to bring a crowd to the bar. I appreciate the business as much as I do the cover it provides. The last few days have had me searching for properties to move the bar to, even though the location has meaning to me. Bookkeeping has been positive, so it is a move I can afford. But we’ll see how it fairs. I can’t open up the cellar for obvious reasons but the bar is quickly becoming standing room only. There is only so much I can do with my current space.

The apartment is close to ready for me to move into. Cain and Kedha’s offer of hospitality is one I do not wish to tread on for longer than needed. This is what I tell myself, but I also grow concerned with Tyl’s minor invasions of my personal belongings ranging from my toothbrush (used and dropped on the ground) and her walking around in one of my shirts. I fear what else she may have helped herself to. Growing up as a single child, every one of these acts leaves me with a mild sense of horror. But they are all very family-like in their own way. Kedha has her maternal mother-like manner, Cain is akin to a brother I never knew I had, and Tyl is the rambunctious little sister that leaves problems for the rest of us to hide from the ‘adults.’ What a strange group we are.

My inner debate about the sofa continues. Do I want one? Who would I allow in my space that would share the important parts with me? Maybe when the shared time comes, I’ll ask the question again since the space would no longer only be mine.

When they enter the room, my eyes go to Cota and Arslan. New pairings are fun to observe and interesting to collect data from. But Arslan remains a great unknown to me outside of how well he seems to fit within Cota’s family dynamic at present. I don’t detect any arrogance or self importance from him at present, but when I manage to corner him in a few days, I’ll know for sure. But they do seem to be happy and that is an important thing to note.

I’ve been making the rounds since my promotion. Reaching out, checking mentalities and gaging how those I speak with are doing. Everyone so far has the same apprehension about the future. Some are ruling their fear while others are victim to it. I have a list of flight risks, those prone to being turned on us and another list of those I know will remain steadfast in hard times. One list I wish was longer than the other, but that may change as I continue to prod and investigate.

I’ve given up on my attempted intervention with Fahne and have passed on my request to remove her from fieldwork to leadership for us to discuss. I can’t, in good conscience, continue to allow a liability we constantly need to plan around to be in the field. She would thrive much more assisting us after battles, giving lessons, and conducting research work. My request may be turned down or it may not. I am sure the conversation itself will be interesting as the one I sought to have it with has no input to provide. Judging from passing conversations, they’ll all be in agreement, but we’ll still need to review past performance and engagement before making it final.

My ban on gift-giving continues, but it is worth it to see how much Cindri enjoys learning how to operate and teach others about the astroscope. There is a boyishness in his expression and manner I really enjoy. It makes me wonder what he was like when he was younger and more wide-eyed and less beaten by the abuse of the world. But instead of getting more things such as wine and other material items, I’ve focused on things we can share such as meals and books. We had a discussion about if it was good to love and lose it than to never love at all. I commented it may be a topic for a poet to answer and Cindri wanted to find one. He’ll likely find one in person to debate and question, but I’ve sought out books for us to review.

This new trend he has is very likable. His shift from guarded distance to open forwardness is very welcomed for me. And the growing boldness is something I am also coming to enjoy since it means he is growing more comfortable with me. I hope it continues to flourish.

Next Steps

Finishing touches on the apartment

Submit my request to the other officers

Continue my temperature checks.

[noragoldengaze]

Backlog

Daily Affirmation: My world is what I make it.

Today’s Lesson: Broken hearts mend over time.

Tomorrow I will be better by: getting the fuck out of here.

If you can’t beat your enemy, join them?

Seeing Master Ryo walk into the camp last night wasn’t an outcome I’d expected to occur. The chance to speak with him and pick his brain remains a possibility. How does Cota feel about this development? I am sure Ryslo will have much to say on it, but I am looking forward to the verbal explosion that will come from the Good Doctor.

I didn’t go with the groups last night, choosing to remain behind and keep an eye on the Good Doctor. While I know he can take care of himself, the fact he is a person of interest to the enemy along with the still unknown aspects of the injection did make me reconsider running headfirst into battle. Would that be fear stilling my actions or trying to be proactive? I made use of myself once the groups returned and assisted with tending to the wounded. Pumpjin was drained and exhausted, fixed on Ryslo, who won’t be moving around on his own anytime soon.

The lesson I’d hope to teach happened organically. Isone is naturally upset about the turn of events but speaking frankly about the situation won’t resolve anything and would only cause resentment. I’ll let others consult her broken heart while I keep her busy with work and research. Apparently, he turned into a wolf-like creature. Kedha mentioned there are drawings of such somewhere. I’ll need to find those sketches and better educate myself.

My mission from the other day went rather flawless. Shiyuu and Sehra performed splendidly, and our guest only needed to have his shoulder dislocated before he started to sing. He held a strange resentment to Sehra. Shiyuu was fixed on trying to find drop locations for supplies, which would have been useful if he’d known anything. He turned out to be nothing but a low-ranked grunt that didn’t ask questions and did as he was told. Reminds me of several members here in this company. Then again, those kinds of persons are perfect for situations like the one he found himself in.

Update on list of personal operations

Operation Hunter’s Pie

Location secure and materials still need to be acquired. Will do so once we return home and I can retrieve my stored gil since I spent the majority of what

Operation Frills

Contacts have been informed. Once I return to home base, I will execute the next step and assemble the teams and assign tasks to each member. This is probably one of the riskiest things I have done socially in a long time. May the gods help us all.

Operation Hate Flower

This may be terminated depending if the subject lives to get home. I will keep an eye on this development, but there has been a regression in their personality from the last encounter. I suspect past events and lessons have been forgotten. A pity.

Operation Masked Wine

New operation, need to find patrons and clients for the business. Professional contacts are established and shipments are sent. Now to schedule parties.

Next Steps

Return home

Take a bath

Buy a fuck ton of wine

Drink the wine

Maybe have company to drink wine with

[noragoldengaze]

Backlog

Daily Affirmation: My vigilance is unyielding.

Today’s Lesson: Not all attempts yield desired results.

Tomorrow I will be better by: not throwing certain company members into the river.

Individuals in the company are set out to sabotage us all unknowingly. Several spoke about visiting the city to enjoy modern comforts but are “careful.” Cota I can believe that of since she knows Master Ryo’s people best, but the majority of the others? Why not have a glowing arrow pointed where our camp is to make it easier to find us? Assuming they don’t know where we are already, which I do. And Kedha confirmed my suspicion about Cain’s crew and how some “came with the ship” and others were “strays.” Any of those could have been a spy for Master Ryo and they just let them walk among us. Such a mess. Why do they all make it so easy? Why do they not take this seriously? Is it because none of them face the foe we did? Or is their overestimation of their abilities leaving them arrogant? Maybe my past experience working in various cells has left me with an expectation of how mission procedures are meant to be executed. All I want to do is bash skulls into the rocks near me.

The Confederacy tasked us with resolving issues involving local wildlife tonight. It was my first time in a group led by Wolf and it was one of the easier experiences I've had in the company so far. Outside of a few dents in her armor, we walked away from the task unscratched, which I will thank all the gods for. None of us can risk being injured on this mission. Granted, I write that and Aelred got hurt and refused treatment. I went to attempt to talk him into letting his near-wife tend to him, but my short patience and temper rose and I left him there in the dirt. Perhaps I should have taken it as a chance to work on my own medical study, but—

The sensation of eyes never fades. I feel it digging in the back of my head and my body is constantly tense. I can’t see them, but I know they are there. It feels like I turn my head a second too slow or I am not looking in the right place. Some part of me wants to chalk it up to paranoia, and maybe it is, but it also feels like it isn’t. I wish I had my father’s keen sight more than just his eye color right now. He’d be able to spot someone sulking about in the dark a malm off.

I said no more bleeding heart on the page, but I’m coming to realize how absurd and foolish I am. The one person we lie to the most is ourselves. I can see where I errored. And I am not sure why I allowed it when I know that aspect of life has no place on the path I walk. Perhaps I delved a little too deep into Suguutou. I’ll put the foolishness to the side. Just another part of myself to close the book on. Another step to being the weapon I need to be.

I told him I thought he selected his path because I thought he was looking for a type of suicide. Starting to wonder if I was projecting.

Next Steps

150 push-ups

2. 150 sit-ups

3. 150 squats

4. 12 malm run