#but man.....i grew up in the 00s but most of the ya books i read were from the 80s/90s

[swedebeast]

What are the most important video games, books, movies, and/or tv shows that really shaped your taste today?

Oh man, the problem here is not just in remembering which ones that fit the bill but also reducing the numbers so this doesn't become a bloated mess of an answer.

Howevah, I will try.

Video games: I've played most genres growing up and it was a bit of console but gravitated towards PC pretty much by my mid teens. I really thing it was Civilization III that solidified by taste for strategy games after being exposed to Civ II in a bootleg CD game pack, but Red Alert really did a number on me as well - especially Command & Conquer Tiberian Sun. But I cannot lie, Fallout 2 and Fallout: Tactics were instrumental in developing my taste for RPG's and my borderline obsession with the post-apoc genres which I carry with me 25 years later.

I read much more when I was younger, but I only recently had a rediscovery of the earliest science fiction novels I read that without a doubt set the first brick on the road that I would go, and it was the Swedish YA Science Fiction series "Andromeda" published 1979-1986 (I even made a post about it earlier). I am sure it lead me to other classics like War of the Worlds which remain a favourite for me. That, and I think graphic novels might fit - and then Tintin, Spirou, Asterix & Obelix fit as formative. But also the more adult ones like Buddy Longway.

And movies.... man, apart from 1980's and 1990's Disney animated movies that I devoured, I have to say that monster movies of the same time remain close to my heart. Aliens, Predator remain favourites. Jurassic Park was fundamentally formative for a lot of kids of the time, but I also consider Tremors (one and two anyway) to be one of the most fun monster movies out there. In general though, I also think the bad movies that came out were also formative in developing my tastes. Everyone saw the Star Wars prequels - being any kind of sci fi fan meant that they were mandatory viewing - but they never *wowed* me. So, I knew I loved the originals more. Not fanatically so, that is more reserved to-

Jumping into TV-shows specifically, I can't understate how much Star Trek blew my goddamn mind. I have no idea where it started - I remember seeing mid-90's on Swedish Kanal 5 around noon on weekends re-runs of Star Trek TOS, later also DS9, I remember some of the earliest shows I pirated was TNG, AND also religiously watched Babylon 5 also on Kanal 5 when it was a new show, and I followed Voyager -and- Enterprise when they first ran on... SVT 1 or 2, 19:00.

And on that, I just remembered how much I followed ANYTHING Star Trek in the video game space as well. Starfleet Command, Bridge Commander, Klingon Academy, Elite Force, New Worlds, even games that were supposed to come out but never did (Like, Star Trek Borg or whatever the fuck).

But on the note of TV-shows and my youth, I would be remiss if I also did not give a shout-out to Babylon 5. I have a sweet spot for space operas, very much due to this show - and together with TNG it has made me a very, very picky fucker with my science fiction writing. It set a high bar for me. Thanks, btw.

In general, I can remember movies, shows, books and games I grew up with or at least had exposure to, but it takes some introspection to realize which ones actually influenced by - and then by how large of a degree. I still remember the ending scene from the "Death of Computers" Swedish cyberpunk novel nearly 30 years ago when I was not even 10 years old reading it - but did it really shape my taste in fiction? Did reading the follow-up novel give me a love for language, when a space traveler killing a giant alien bird with a laser knife on its last powerpack - but to avoid culturally contaminating the strange human cave men - at the end he just picked up a rock and gesticulated smashing the bird on the head - later on having his partner deliver her baby and the caveman midwife saying "flekka" - and it was strangely similar to the Swedish word girl - "flicka"? And this gave rise to a theory that these people were transplanted by some alien force?

No idea, man. But what I do now is that every so often I see if Good Old Games have released Klingom Academy yet - 23 years after its initial release - and I know that the main composers were two people collaborating, one is the original composer for TNG and also worked on several Star Trek game projects, and the other is Inon Zur - who later worked on Bethesda's Fallout games?

If these games and showes are not influences, I sure do think a lot about them.

[slothfuljeremiah]

21st century YA books are like "here is a fictional dystopia that was definitely not ripped directly from suzanne collins, in which everyone obeys an unquestioned world order. except our heroine, a 16 year old brunette girl who is Different Than Everyone Else" and late 20th century YA books are like "here is an incredibly fucked up chronicle of the worst 6 months of some random middle schooler's life. there are no happy endings here, only bittersweet ones that will change you forever. you are somehow the only one in your social circle who has ever heard of this book and no one will ever understand its impact on you"

[sn0tcl0wn]

rant incoming (don't worry it's not me being mad, i'm just really hype about a book i'm rereading):

i'm genuinely shocked there's never been an uptick in interest in storm thief by chris wooding on this site. like of all places. it's a gothic dystopian YA novel with cyber and dieselpunk vibes with its main characters being a black disabled boy and a girl with chronic illness who live in the ghettos of a society that's built on greed and the bodies of people like them. there's a resistance and the fall of two civilisations. there's also a morally gray monster man. it's a book that's been living rent free in my mind since 2006. i'm currently rereading it as i do every so often and not only is it beautifully written and still holds up but the premise alone seems like the exact thing people would put on lists of diverse dystopian YA fiction or unique books for people who like dystopian fiction, steam/cyber/dieselpunk, gothic sci-fi, or eldritch horror. it has all of those aspects and i think a lot of people are missing out. it's also only one book and it's not too long meaning there's less commitment for people who don't want to read a whole series or start a series and never finish it (i hate doing that and yet i always do).

it's on my list of books i always wished there was an active fandom for because it's honestly one of the coolest fucking book i ever read growing up and much of the imagery it paints and it's story still inspire me to this day. it's at the top of my list of books i'd adapt if i had the chance and something i think people should give a shot. please read storm thief if you get a chance.

also kinda spoiler alert but also everything i'm saying next is either obvious early on (in a good story telling way, not lazy writing way) or straight up on the back of the book;

if y'all do read this book and i end up getting any messages from people whining about the cishetness of the characters i will scream because interracial friendship and love is just as revolutionary as trans and gay friendship and love. like the last time i suggested it to a group of people they complained about it "being basic YA" and "making the straight boy and girl fall in love" and to this day i'm still tight about that shit. like first of all it's obvious from the second they're introduced that they have little crushes on each other and their chemistry is really sweet and natural. it's a good m/f couple and one of the few genuinely sweet and healthy ones i read in YA fiction as a kid (ig you can argue codependency but they're just trying to keep the other one alive). second of all (and more importantly) until this book i had NEVER read a book with a black kid with dreadlocks from the ghetto being the hero of a sci-fi novel let alone being the dude on the cover AND getting the girl even though she's white. like ????? that was a Life Changing Experience for me and if you can't see why i really cannot trust you.

until i was 11 i only read about characters like me and the kids i grew up with in the hood in realistic fiction about being poor and black and sad all the time. this was the first teen novel i remember picking up about a black boy that didn't involve drive by shootings and the kind of racism i already saw and experienced every day. he was out there running from monsters and dodging eldritch storms while uncovering the ancient secrets of a chaos ridden society all while needing a respirator to breathe and wearing a dope gasmask fit. his name isn't some stereotypical "black" name, it's rail which is weird but i always thought that was cool as fuck. he's a character that if he wasn't described as "dark skinned and dreadlocked" in his intro, people would just up and assume he's white because you know why. his blackness is not his character, it's just a trait and he's treated like any other teenage orphan thief archetype only he's way fucking cooler because he has a gas mask and a dope ass artifact.

i will not tolerate any rail or rail/moa slander. he's a bad ass mother fucker and she's an equally bad ass secondary protag who's parents were rebels against the unjust political and economic powers at be and follow in their footsteps. she's also a very active participant in the story even though she could easily have been nothing more than a helpless damsel due to her waifish and sickly presence.

their friends to more arc is a part of the story's progression and their character growth, it is not the main plot point and i'm only spoiling that explicitly because if y'all really don't want to read a story with a m/f couple you can avoid this. but i will say that if you are among the shockingly common many who will straight up tune out when a guy and girl fall in love i really do think you have issues. like i get when it's forced in a really obnoxious way but a lot of y'all will read absolute garbage just because it's gay rep and then sleep on shit like this or other really cool books like hold me closer necromancer (completely different topic but i will rant about that next cause it's my next reread). it's sad to me y'all actively choose to miss out on cool shit because you apparently hate straight people so much that it will completely ruin something that's unique in every other way.

and again, highkey sick of people writing off m/f interracial couples as if the idea of black men being with white women isn't still demonized irl and rare in the media. this book was for kids, written in the mid 00s, and it managed to do what most mainstream media still rarely ever does.

[ddaengyoonmin]

Chapter one

Pairing: Jungkook x reader, eventual Ot7 x reader in later chapters

Genre: Angst, fluff, uhh maybe smut eventually??

Theme: Based kinda on sword art online a lot of similar ideas and themes kinda combining the idea of them trapped in the game, but the world is closer to ALFheim online

Word count: 2.1k+

Warnings: Swearing?..I swear a lot it can’t be contained. Giant Bees?? Not too much to warn about for this chapter but future chapters might get crazy

*check my master list for the prologue, I suggest reading it first*

Next -> Chapter 2

-------------------------------------------------------

A bright light shone in from a missing blind.  One of your bothersome, but too cute to be mad at cats must’ve broken it, you made a mental note to fix that later. It woke you up earlier than usual for a Friday, probably not a bad thing, you had a big day ahead of you.  Working from home had its advantages such as being able to create your own schedule.

You had set the day aside to mentally prepare for and then try out your dreaded birthday gift you had received just the day before.

The clock read 8:00 am. You sighed as you pulled yourself out of bed, startling the young calico cat who had been sleeping on your stomach throughout the night. “Sorry velvet” you mumble sleepily.  Though she should be used to the rude awakenings by now, given that you on the other hand had not gotten used to having a cuddly cat and always seemed to accidentally throw her off your lap in the mornings.   Your other cat Tiger always kept to herself and usually slept on the top of her cat tree or on a top shelf in one of your closets.

Last year when you bought your new apartment you had marveled at the spaciousness of the classy two bedroom layout.  You debated on turning that second bedroom into a room for Tiger to have all to herself, but decided that would only feed into your family’s idea you were becoming a crazy cat lady hermit. Instead it became your office, and today it was the room you decided you would try out the full dive gaming experience headset in.  You had a comfortable black leather office chair that you usually spent most of your days in while you worked on your designs.  You figured that would be fine to recline in while you went into the game.

After getting yourself a filling breakfast you fed Velvet and Tiger a little extra, not knowing how long you’d be in the game.  Part of you hoped that your mom would be satisfied if you just tried it for 30 minutes or so, then you could get back to the practical reality you preferred to live in. But you still wanted to be prepared in case the impossible happened and you actually enjoyed yourself.

You picked up the sleek looking packaging that held the headset and the game you had been given. You let out a sigh and looked over to your pets, “lets give this a shot huh?” you said, looking at them as if they could understand you.

When you arrived to your office you plopped down into your comfy chair and finally opened the packaging.  The headset was shiny and heavy, looking similar to a motorcycle helmet.  In the back by the base of the neck there was a long wire the same shade of silver as the rest of the headset.  You pulled out the instructions from the box and skimmed it over.  

“Internal battery, internal memory to store data, in game items, and achievements”

“Pre-programmed with Faerie Realm installed, no updates or installation required”

“To enter the game is simple, put on the headset and click the large button on the side of the headset and say the command ‘LINK START’”

You felt skeptical of this whole thing, but you reasoned that they wouldn’t sell it to the public if it was unsafe.

With one last see ya later to Tiger and Velvet you plugged in the headset and carefully placed it over your head.  It was a snug fit and there were straps to secure it underneath your chin.

A small wave of nervousness ran over you, you took a few deep breaths and put your pointer finger to the side of the headset and held the button. Loud and enunciated so as not to mess this up somehow, you said the command…

“LINK START”

Almost instantly, like falling asleep suddenly, everything went dark.  It only lasted a few seconds until you were standing in a bright, white, empty room with no doors or windows.  You looked to your left and right in a slight panic, you felt like you could hear some music start to play.

Then, catching you off guard a giant holographic screen projected onto the wall in front of you.

“Welcome new player!” A chipper voice rang out from the direction of the screen “It’s time to chose your fairy race, and dive into the world of Faerie Realm! Point your hand straight out fingers spread out to the screen and swipe to the right to scroll through the choices, make a fist for 10 seconds at the screen on the page of the Fairy race you choose and you will move on to the next step!”

On the screen an example character popped and you giggled at it.  It was an image of you, but not totally you.  Your hair was longer than in real life and it was dyed a turquoise shade of blue, you were wearing a tight royal blue and white dress that was much shorter than anything you’d ever worn before.

 You had to admit from a designers point of view, that it was pretty interesting how they’d managed to do that.  The thing that really caught your eye was that coming from behind your back was a pair of beautiful shimmering turquoise wings matching the hair, they were slightly transparent and had a light blue glow coming off of them. The title under this character “Water Fairy”

You scrolled over the other choices shortly, five options of fairy races each with different styles, perks and nerdy sounding stats you didn’t even bother to read. You were mostly focused on the look, and none stood out as much as the first you had seen and you settle on the Water Fairy, holding out a fist to the screen as it instructed.  

The next step you were prompted to complete was to choose a username.  You decide on “Velvet Tiger” in honor of your bestfriends at home. Once you held out your fist again to declare that you were sure of your name, the room turned dark again.  Next you felt like you were falling, falling falling, and the perky voice echoed around you “Have fun in Faerie Realm!!”

With a loud thud you felt yourself hit grass, strangely you felt no sort of pain from your fall, odd.

You picked yourself up from the ground and brushed the dirt off of what you now realized was the same blue dress from the screen.  You pull your now extremely long hair in front of your face to see it was indeed also the hair you had seen on yourself in the preview.  “Color me impressed” You chuckled aloud.

You started to look around to get a bearing on your surroundings.  “Umm...what exactly am I supposed to do?” You spoke aloud again, not sure if you were hoping someone would answer or that some sort of screen would pop up at your question.  But nothing happened.  

You were alone in the middle of the most perfect flowering field you’d ever seen in your life, it was beautiful, cream colored daisies scattered all around you.  It was sunny and bright and the temperature was perfect. You could feel a light breeze press on your cheek, you brought your hand up to your face.  “Woah…” you muttered.  It was crazy to think none of this was real.  

A noise suddenly snapped you out of your state of awe.  You cocked your head to the side slightly.  It was a humming noise getting louder and louder by the second.  

To your surprise and horror the objects in question made themselves visible.  “What the fuck!!!” You scream, and immediately start to book it in the opposite direction.

BEES? But not just regular bees, a swarm of GIANT bees about the size of your cats were headed straight towards you.  You found yourself screaming out a series of fucks and holy shits as you tried to outrun the swarm, they were catching up faster than you could run.  ‘Thanks mom, this is real fun’, you thought.  

You were about to get to a treeline that was up ahead when you tripped and fell flat on your face, you winced, not because it hurt, (you realized this game must not let you feel pain, which is nice), but because you were just embracing the fact that giant bees were about to be your ‘game over’ only 5 minutes into the game.

A loud POW sounded out right behind you and you covered your ears and buried your head into the ground.  A crackling noise like fireworks followed. And then...a beautiful sound.

“You okay miss?” A silvery voice spoke from above you.

You uncovered your ears and lifted your head up from your embarrassing position you had assumed when you thought your demise in this game was upon you.

What you saw when your eyes met the figure standing over you took your breath away.  You had to try and keep a straight face and contain your awe so as not to further embarrass yourself.  

The man standing over you looked like an angel covered in black.  He had on a tight fitting black shirt with a gray jacket that was styled fitting to the theme of this game draped over top, and tight black skinny jeans to go with.  From behind his back you could see a pair of shimmering translucent wings similar in design to yours but the color was a charcoal black.  

He extended a strong looking hand towards you, but you were still frozen in a combination of awe and embarrassment.  He retracted his hand, chuckled, and ran his fingers through his pitch black hair. You scurried to get up on your own  snapping out of your daze and standing eye to eye with the man you asume must’ve just saved your ass from the killer bees.

“Um, thank you” You nervously mumbled his way.  His eyes were kind as he met your gaze with a smile.  You had to force yourself to keep your eyes on his as they seemed compelled to trail over all of his body.  “You’re welcome” His smile grew bigger than it previously was.  “You’re lucky I got here when I did! They were gearing up for some power stings that definitely would’ve sent you to a black screen at your level”

“At….my level?” You said with confusion.  “Yeah, I can see your level right there” he pointed just to the left of your face.  You for the first time notice a small screen was there that had your username, level, health and an option for ‘menu’ listed.  “Oh..” you managed an awkward smile.  You realized you could see his too, ‘Kookie, level 10, full health’ listed on the screen hovering next to him.  

“I’ve been here since 12am when it opened” he said sheepishly running his hand through his hair again.  “Games are kinda my thing and when I heard this was coming out I wanted to get ahead right away...did you just get here or something?” He questioned.

“Yeah, literally just a few minutes ago” you laughed “That was about to be a real short run” you winced at the not too distant memory. “I...uh..games aren’t really my thing”

He smirked at your comment “You don’t say?” he teased.  You stuck your tongue out at him, then immediately felt embarrassed.  Not totally sure what came over you to do that to a total stranger, but hey, it is just a game and he started it right? So you shook off the awkward feeling and decided to just go with it.  He laughed a full belly laugh at your action and shook his head “Ok, I like your style ma’m, so I’m gonna take pity on your and show you the ropes here” He spoke cockily.

“Oh? And what makes you think I need your help?” You tried to come back with, only eliciting further laughter from him. “You’re right,” he put his hands up in fake defeat “those bees were completely defenseless to your ‘duck and cover in the middle of a field’ fighting methods”

You pouted slightly at the mention of that embarrassing part of the incident that had just occurred you are hoping to just pretend didn’t happen.

“Fiiine” you sighed “I really don’t know what I’m doing here, but don't take me for some damsel in distress that's going to worship you as her hero now or anything like that”  His eyebrows raised high taken aback by your bluntness.  “Of course. I have no doubt you take care of yourself well in the real world, on first impressions you seem to be a strong, independent woman…I admire that in a lady” he assured in an honest and serious tone, but then He stopped and took a few steps closer to you standing so close it sent a shiver up your spine.  

He leaned in to your ear, tone changing from his previous statement into a more smooth and sultry whisper  “But this isn’t the real world...you’ve stepped into my world now.” He pulled away, a smirk on his face.

Your eyes widened.  What have you gotten yourself into…

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[waywardimpalawriter]

Someone to love part 3 of 5

  Someone to love

Summary: You’d been there the whole time. Maybe now it’s time to let Steve know what he thinks he’ll never find.

Pairing: Steve x Reader

Character’s: Steve, Reader, Natasha, Peggy, OC male (Reader’s granddad), Sam, T’Challa, Bucky, mentions of Sharon,

Setting: from Captain America the First Avenger to Civil War.

Warnings: none for now.

Notes: written for my 400 follower celebration requested by @angryschnauzer the song is Somebody to love by Queen. What was supposed to be a one shot grew into a four or more parts cause the idea just stuck with me. Hope you enjoy.

Someone tags:  @spnhybrid @iamwarrenspeace @the-doctor-called-loki

Permanent tags: @winters-buck @angryschnauzer @marvel-lucy @aquabrie @feelmyroarrrr

Marvel tags: @sebbytrash @ek823 @marvelfanfichq @creideamhgradochas

Key: Y/GF/N = your grandfather’s name

Someone to love Part 1 Part 2

Part 3: Confidant

2014 one month after the fall of S.H.I.E.L.D

  Pacing, feeling like a caged animal in his apartment, even with all the floors and miles of city below him, Steve Rogers still felt like he couldn’t breathe. So much change in the last month, SHIELD falling, Hydra coming out of hiding, people he thought were friends weren’t biggest of all Bucky being alive. Yeah that one little tidbit had his mind reeling. His best friend growing up, fought alongside, lost to a fall… alive and his enemy.

Something Steve refused to believe. Even with all the evidence to back the claim, files that Natasha procured from old friends in the KGB, spread out over the coffee table. None needing to be gone over since he’s committed each and every detail to memory. Not that it’ll help any, given the fact Steve doesn’t know the first place to start looking and that’s what frustrates him the most.

A harsh knock breaking him from the thoughts running the Kentucky derby inside his mind. Checking the peep hole before unlocking and opening the door. “Hey Sam.”

“Steve,” giving the star spangled man without a plan a nod, eyes surveying the apartment much like his own down the hall of Stark turned Avenger’s tower. “It’s been a month, any word on when we’re starting our little hunt for Wile E Coyote?”

Scowling, Steve runs a hand through his hair, looking from Sam to the file. “You don’t have to come along.”

“I know,” arms crossed, leaning against the back of the couch as if he had all the time in the world. “Doesn’t mean I’m not coming with you Cap.”

“Understood,” stepping towards the kitchen, Steve turns slightly. “We’ll move out in two days. Just need to get a few things straight first.”

A grin spreads across his full lips, flashing pearly whites, “Doesn’t have anything to do with that young writer girl you’ve been talking about?”

“Y/N her name, not writer girl,” Steve tossed back heading towards the kitchen a slight grin forming on his face thinking of you. “And you’re just as bad as Natasha with butting in my love life.”

“My job as sidekick, keeping Captain America on his toes. Besides you need to get laid before you start shooting blanks and you’re too old to get it up.”

Stopping, turning to face his Winged Avenging friend, “I may be 94, but I’m not dead,” shaking his head. “First Nat tries to set me up with every woman she comes in contact with, now you’re take potshots at my soldiers. What friends I have.”

“Hey what about Sharon, if ya ain’t interesting in writer girl, maybe Agent 13 will wet your whistle,” grinning, holding his hands to the side in a shrug. “Worth a shot right?” wiggling his dark brow.

“Out,” groaning, pointing towards the door. “I have things to get ready and so do you. We leave at 05:00 day after tomorrow.”

“Don’t scare me none, remember army man here,” Sam adds while heading towards the door. He’s seen the haunted eyes Steve tries to hide. The pain written in the sky blue orbs that he’s kept bury deep within his being. Sam’s seen it all, tried to help, offering his ear many times. Though he knows Steve rather keep everything bottled up tight, everything separate and emotions in check. Though one thing Sam’s noticed over the short while he’s known Steve, is that after seeing you he seems more at easy almost a different person.

It’s the reason he picks, getting Steve to go see you before they leave on a mission that neither are sure they’ll come back from at least intact. “Piece of advice Steve,” when he looks over at Sam, he continues. “Go see her, just in case, to say whatever you need to,” after which Sam opens, steps out of and gone before Steve can say anything else.

**************

Iced tea, condensation dripping down the glass, a bunch of grapes beside your drink, laptop open, your e/c eyes staring at a blank screen as your mind is elsewhere right now. Almost three weeks have gone by since you last heard anything from Steve a rare occurrence, since that fateful day almost two years ago. Snorting at the thought of fate, pencil twirling between fingers to tap on the table keeping a steady beat to the music playing softly throughout your small apartment. Worried doesn’t even begin to cover what you’re feeling right now, your wanting to pick up your cell and call, text anything to make sure he’s alright. But you reframe, always letting him contact you in case he’s on a mission or busy with other things.

The events of last month still replying in your head, having received word from Natasha, whom you’d met a few times during your stays in DC visiting both Steve and your granddad. Becoming friends with the feisty red head who kept you in the know with how Captain America was doing. Even contact with her is sketchy at best. Though you figured it had more to do with the fact that all of SHIELD’s and there by Hydra’s secrets being dumped onto the net for all to read, compromising so many, Natasha included. Besides it wasn’t like your family or anything more than friend’s right? No matter how many times your heart pounds when seeing him, or just talking on the phone. Though you feel he’d never see you like that. In your eyes, plain and boring, to a superhero with women throwing themselves all over him.

Of course that little thought sent a pang of hurt racing across your heart, one you ignored after all it’s foolish to fall in love with Captain America. Yet you’ve never seen him as anyone other than Steve Rogers, the man who’s voice you missed hearing. Talking about different things, the 40’s, his time during World War 2, relearning how to live in a world so different than his own. Helping him acclimate and adapt, watching the cheesy, the iconic and horrible movies just so he got caught up. Listening to massive amounts of music and books, one thing you’d learned is that Steve Rogers loved to read anything he could get his hands on with a spine and paper between the covers.

The very through brought a smile to your lips and a sigh to escape knowing you’ve fell hard and fast for the man most only saw as a superhero, not a real man. Getting the feeling to pound your head into the table, you think better of such ideas instead focus on the blank Word document trying to churn out at least a few thousand words before dinner time rolled around.

However, the writing God’s weren’t on your side as a knock sounded, drawing you from the half page written, a glance in that direction, “Just a minute,” calling out, while standing, stretching your back to get some feeling in.

Bare feet padding on warm hardwood floor, you glance down at the jean capris and burgundy peasant blouse. Shrugging, you peep through the hole only to drop back against the door hand to heart. Having seen Steve standing there looking so good in a tight grey t-shirt and khaki pants, hands clasp in front of him as rocking on the balls of his feet. For a moment you’re at a loss. But why? It’s just Steve right? Of course that’s the problem it’s just Steve.

Swallowing harshly, smoothing a hand down your blouse, before taking the chain off, lock as well and opening the door bright smile lighting your features. Till your eyes come to rest on the man in question fully, seeing the shadows under his eyes, the tension in his shoulders and back.

Going for light and playful, “Bout time you show up. Thought I’d have to send the National Guard out to look for you,” you’re kidding, though there’s an undertone of worry in your voice.

“I’m sorry Y/N I would’ve call…” his words are cut short, much like his progress into your apartment, as you’ve wrapped him into your arms. One hand running the strong, hard length of his back as the other cards through the short hairs at the nape.

Relaxing into your hold, Steve returns the embrace both arms encircle your waist holding you close. “Next time you’re gonna be out of communications range solider do a girl a favor and at least send up a smoke signal so I know you’re alright.”

Breathing in the warmth of you amber perfume oil, his face burying in the crook of your neck, peace finally seems to surround him along with a sense of belonging. “Worried about me were you doll?” voice muffled as your both still wrapped around each other.

Nodding, pulling back before you lost yourself in the feel of being so surrounded by Steve that your heart gives a little flutter at the touch of his hands resting on your waist. “Hell yes I was. How would I explain to Granddad I lost an America treasure when I promised him and Peggy both I’d look after you?”

Resisting the urge to punch him, the last time didn’t go so well and left you with a hurt hand, but it’s there. Because you know something’s up, and major if the haunted look in those sweet sky blue orbs tell you anything.

Taking his hand, you both head towards the couch. “I’m no treasure Y/N.”

“You let me be the judge of that one Steve,” you smile letting his hand go, starting for the kitchen. “Hungry? Thirst?”

“No I’m good,” his answer prompt and short making you stare for a moment.

Nervous for some reason now that there’s space between the two of you, “So how long have you been back in New York City?”

Rubbing the back of his neck, looking from the coffee table that he stands next to, over to the armoire which holds you entertainment system the two of your having watch many of hours on. Finally landing on you, but not straight into your eyes. “I’ve actually been back for about two weeks.”

Shock has your jaw dropping, a pang of hurt slicing your heart, before closing and chewing on your cheek. You wonder if he’d just forgot to call, or stop by, unless it’s something more, like he’s saying goodbye this time. “I know you’re busy, but you couldn’t pick up the phone?”

“It’s not like that Y/N I’ve been busy,” he begins running a hand through his hair.

Nodding but keeping your mouth shut for a heartbeat of three. “So you didn’t think I wouldn’t worry? It’s been three weeks Steve,” voice soft, hurt as tears prick the back of your eyes.

Finally locking eyes with you, Steve swallows hard taking a step towards you. “I’m sorry to make you worry doll, truly I am.”

Wiping at your eyes, nodding slightly, knowing he wouldn’t have willfully left you in the dark. Though it still hurt, “I know you are Steve and I’m sorry to for being mad. When Nat told me what happened, and I’m thinking she left parts out because you look like hell, I got so worried about you. I almost bought a train ticket a half dozen times to DC to find out if you were okay.”

The thought of you being so worried should’ve made him feel regret and angry towards himself, yet it had the opposite. It warmed a part of him that someone would care so much about his well fair, not having felt that since before going into the ice, made Steve appreciate you all the more.

Stepping forward, taking both your hands in his, the two of you walk back towards the couch and sit down. “How much did Nat tell you?”

Puzzled, though enjoying the heat of his larger hands encompassing yours. “Just that SHIELD has been infiltrated from the inside by Hydra and now destroyed. I’d seen the news of what happened on the Triskelion,” gasping softly as realization hits you. “Steve where you on there when the helicarriers crashed?”

Looking closely, through faded now with time and the super serum in his body, you could still make out the bruises on his face. Focusing so hard till he spoke, “Yes, Sam Wilson, who you met the last time you’d came to DC, and I had to take out the carriers.”

“You’re holding something back Steven Rogers. Out with it,” demanding tone to your voice as your eyes lock once more. You didn’t want him to hold anything back from you.

“You remember me telling you about Bucky Barnes?”

“Of course he was your best friend in Brooklyn,” rubbing your thumbs over the veins on the top of his hands. “What does Bucky have to do with this?”

Watching his Adams apple bob while gathering his thoughts, “He’s alive Y/N.”

“What?”

Nodding slowly, pulling his hands from yours, as the simplest touch had become distracting for him. “Seems when he fell, he survived,” standing, starting to pace the short expanse. “Hydra found him, tortured, brainwashed him, turned Bucky into a killing machine to do their dirty work. He doesn’t remember me at least I don’t think he does.”

Watching his footsteps, the way he’s clinching his fists, jaw tense, “Steve,” when he doesn’t stop nor look up at you. You get up, putting yourself in his path way making him stop. Reaching up to brush against his cheek, “It wasn’t your fault Steve.”

Your soft words shatter his resistance and once again he’s in your arms, “I could’ve done something different, went to go look for him, put a stop to Schmidt sooner,” pulling away as if your touch, the comfort you’re giving him, burns like a lighted match against his skin. “I could’ve saved Bucky the pain and torture from all those years, if I just hadn’t asked him to join with me.”

Hands on hips you send Steve a glare that doesn’t do much since the man in question isn’t even looking at you. “Steve stop your gonna wear a hole in my floor,” this manages to get him to stop and look at you again. “What happened wasn’t your fault. You no more could’ve stopped Bucky from joining you then you can Sam or me for that matter. It was his choice to fight alongside you, no one put a gun to his head and made him march out there.”

“I never should’ve asked.”

Remembering the stories Steve told you about Bucky, how he’s always looked after him, you knew without having met the man in question, that Bucky Barnes would’ve always been there to protect his best friend. “You didn’t have to ask Steve,” you began stepping back in front of him, hands this time going to his broad shoulders. “I have a feeling Bucky would’ve followed you into hell and back with no questions asked. Not because he had to, but he wanted to.”

Seeing the resolution in your eyes, the honesty with which you spoke, Steve felt your words hit home and rest in his heart. “I have to find him Y/N, bring him home at least what’s left of him.”

Nodding, chewing your cheek, “Just don’t get killed Rogers, Granddad expects to see you in a few weeks.”

Seeing the tears shimmer in your eyes, Steve’s at a loss for words. He wanted you to say that you expected to see him not just your granddad. He wanted to know if you felt the same, as his heart beats faster in his chest wondering but would never say. Because he’s not this great Casanova, but with you it didn’t seem like he trips over his words as much. “Can’t the Avenger’s would be lost without me,” he tries to smile cupping the side of your face in one large callused palm. “You’ll be here? Visit Peggy?”

Of course it always went back to Peggy, “Always, I’ll book a ticket to DC in a few weeks to go see them both,” pushing the lump down wishing he felt the same way about you that he did about Peggy. “Be safe Rogers.”

“Always Y/N,” gathering you close in a tight embrace, he knows he can’t say what he’s thinking, not now, maybe not ever. He’s lost one to many already and he’ll be demanded if you’ll be counted among those. Therefore he bites his tongue, savoring the feel of your soft body in his arms one last time before pulling back. “I’ll see you soon.”

One nod, his lips on your forehead, warm, slightly chapped and lingering. Steve takes that moment, filing it in his memory, then pulls away without looking back at you. His mission, to find Bucky and bring him home, the foremost in his mind, no matter what his heart keeps telling him.

 Part 4