#but man radical face just has a vibe that's so Edge for me. the musical atmosphere the storytelling the themes. all of it

[twig---verginix]

Okay I’m looking at the edge chronicles playlist I’ve been plugging away at since high school and dammit I need more artist variety I CAN’T just keep putting Radical Face songs in here

and yet,

[gautier-desroches]

▪︎ Gautier Desroches ▪︎

Bio down below ! 🔻🔻🔻

◦ ғᴜʟʟ ɴᴀᴍᴇ ◦

Gautier Desroches 

◦ ʜɪᴘᴘʏ ɴᴀᴍᴇ ◦

Aurahaze

◦ ᴀɢᴇ ◦

23

◦ ᴅᴀᴛᴇ ᴏғ ʙɪʀᴛʜ ◦

October 22

◦ ᴢᴏᴅɪᴀᴄ sʏᴍʙᴏʟ ◦

Libra

◦ ɢᴇɴᴅᴇʀ ◦

Male

◦ ᴘʀᴇғᴇʀʀᴇᴅ ᴘʀᴏɴᴏᴜɴs ◦

He/Him

◦ sᴇxᴜᴀʟɪᴛʏ ◦

Gay

◦ ᴇᴛʜɴɪᴄɪᴛʏ ◦

French

◦ ʜᴇɪɢʜᴛ ◦

6’1” (185 cm)

◦ ᴡᴇɪɢʜᴛ ◦

135 Ibs

◦ ᴛᴀᴛᴛᴏᴏs/sᴄᴀʀs/ᴘɪᴇʀᴄɪɴɢs ◦

Nipple piercings. Usually wears long chain jewelry there. Also has a tattoo of a cat on his shoulder.

◦ ɢᴇɴᴇʀᴀʟ ᴘᴇʀsᴏɴᴀʟɪᴛʏ

Gautier is the definition of a sweetheart. He’s constantly making sure the people around him feel comfortable and loved, and always offering emotional advice and moral support. Literally the first thing he asks someone when he first meets them is their preferred pronouns and any triggers they have.

Defense: “But the officers called me Mr. at the crime scene? I thought you knew that?”

Gautier: -comforting smile as he puts a hand on their shoulder- “Just ‘cause someone calls you something doesn’t mean it’s accurate. Also I use ‘dude’ and ‘man’ as a gender neutral term, but if that ever bothers you I can adjust immediately”

This kindness also seems to shine in court, as he even provides support for the defense when they’re feeling down. 

Defense: -is super stressed out because they’ve gone on a wild theory and doesn’t know what evidence to present-

Gautier: “Hey man…just take a breath. Clear your mind, and the answer will come to you. I believe in you dude, you can do this”

Even his objections don’t hold much bite, as he usually points out the flaw in the defense’s claim gently instead of mockingly. 

“Not to throw off your vibes, dude…I’m totally digging where you’re going with your theory but like…that kind of contradicts this evidence, right?”

This aspect of himself, while in his tender nature, is also due to the fact that he cares more about the truth than winning. 

Gautier is a fun mix of your stereotypical teenage skater boy and hippy. The first because of his tendency to use words such as “Dude, bruh, killer, radical, etc” and the second because he’s very in tune with emotions and nature. He’s also a little stupid when it comes to stuff people usually know? A bit of a ditz, if you will. 

Someone: “Are you the breadwinner of the household?”

Gautier: “Duuuude….I won bread? That’s like…so killer man. I hope it’s whole wheat…”

However, don’t underestimate him. Gautier is quite intelligent when it comes to tougher topics, like law, emotions, science, and other schooly subjects. It often throws people for a loop when he corrects them about certain facts in a long tangent. 

Gautier, other than law, also loves music. It’s his side career. But while he knows how to play guitar and piano he isn’t trying to make a career out of them. He’s actually trying to become a famous kazoo player. 

“The kazoo just brings so much happiness and laughter to people, man…it really speaks to me”

Gautier, surprisingly, tends to put off more people than he should. Mostly his coworkers. People see the way he acts so carefree and unprofessional and look down on him. Some also aren’t fond of his empathetic side, as Gautier is more sensitive than most. He is sometimes known to go in “Moods”, where he’s down about something he’s learned. These can range from actual dark topics, to the death of a bug on his way to work. As you may realize, this can be tough to deal with when you’re trying to get something done and he’s busy sulking. 

All in all though, Gautier is a genuinely good dude, and more cooperative with the defense than he probably should be. 

◦ ɢᴏᴏᴅ ᴛʀᴀɪᴛs ◦

◦ Empathetic

◦ Honest

◦ Passionate

◦ Intelligent 

◦ ʙᴀᴅ ᴛʀᴀɪᴛs ◦

◦ Not common sense smart

◦ Gullible

◦ Sensitive

◦ Physically touchy

◦ sᴛʀᴇɴɢᴛʜs ◦

◦ Catching on to the little things in a case

◦ Noticing his witnesses emotions

◦ Making a witness that’s about to breakdown feel better

◦ Doesn’t lie, so never caught in any. Also has very lax body language, so hard to detect his nervous ticks unless he’s in a mood.

◦ ᴡᴇᴀᴋɴᴇssᴇs ◦

◦ Animals (Allergic)

◦ Easy for Athena to detect his emotions since he’s very open with them.

◦ Because he never lies, if he’s forced to he’s super bad at it.

◦ When in a mood, he’s a flurry of ticks. He gets a twitchy pouting lip, he rubs the back of his neck, he hides in his hair more, etc. When not in a mood, his nervous ticks are well hidden because they’re mistaken for carefree confidence. Ex, widened smiles, hands in pockets, blowing hair out of face. Of course, these are easier to see for the trained eye.

◦ ғᴇᴀʀs/ᴘʜᴏʙɪᴀs ◦

◦ Lighting & Thunder

◦ Darkness

◦ Background ◦

Gautier was raised in Seattle for his childhood days. His life was relatively normal, learning both of his mother’s behaviors and teachings as he grew. He was a very bright child, quick to learn and quick to make friends because of his carefree nature. As he grew though, children who were once fascinated by his connection with earth and its inhabitants started to find him strange. That only got worse when his family moved to France for his high school years. 

Gautier stuck out like a sore thumb, not suited socially to the expensive school his parents signed him up for. They had wanted him to have wonderful opportunities, especially since his mom needed the family to move for work reasons. But that only backfired as he became a target of bullying. It didn’t help that the teachers saw him as a problem child as, despite his good grades, he had a tendency for violating uniform guidelines, had a ‘marijuana user’ way of speaking (not the nicest thing to overhear a teaching saying), etc. 

The bullying took its worst turn on the night of the overnight musicthon. An event where musicians of the school would write a song overnight, and the best song would win tuition money for college. That night there was a dreadful storm, and his bullies had locked him outside on one of the school’s upper floor verandas, trapping him in the downpour. It only got worse when the storm left the school in a blackout. Now left in scary darkness, Gautier was panicked. He curled up on the floor, hoping to avoid the edge so he wouldn’t fall off. 

That was when it struck. 

A shot of lighting, just outside of the veranda.

The crack of light and overwhelming roar of thunder left Gautier in shambles. It’s strike resulted in a broken telephone wire, the edge slicing his shoulder and leaving a nasty scar. Despite the injury, Gautier was too scared to move. Even after the storm was over, Gautier didn’t move from his spot, hands covering his ears and eyes shut with fear. He was found by a teacher hours later, and quickly taken to the hospital.

His mother, Séraphine Desroches, came to the school the next day. Her son wasn’t telling her who did it, so she would find out herself. Being a prosecutor for years, it didn’t take her long to piece together what happened. She waited until her son was better to take action, demanding an audience with the principal, bullies, their parents, the teachers that were on watch that night, etc. Then she got to work, accusing the boys responsible with elegance, intimidation and hard evidence. Needless to say the boys were expelled once their actions were brought to light. 

That incident stuck with Gautier in more ways than one. It left him with an extreme fear of lighting, thunder, and darkness. And it made him want to pursue being a prosecutor. The way his mom had pieced together her argument and gotten justice for him was inspiring, and an insane relief. He wanted to give that feeling to every person that had been wronged. So, after his last two years of high school spent in a less snooty school, he took up law in college (as well as therapy) and the rest is history.

◦ ᴄᴜʀʀᴇɴᴛ ᴏᴄᴄᴜᴘᴀᴛɪᴏɴ ◦

Prosecutor and musician.

◦ ᴘᴀʀᴇɴᴛs ◦

Mom: Tilda Desroches (Auramother Soulquest) - 50 years old. Pet Groomer. 

Mom: Séraphine Desroches - 53 years old. Prosecutor. 

◦ sɪʙʟɪɴɢs ◦

None

◦ ʀᴏᴍᴀɴᴛɪᴄ ɪɴᴛᴇʀᴇsᴛ ◦

None

° VOICE HEADCANON °

Matthew Gallenstein 

Ex. Finn from Life is Strange 2

[planestrainsnpages]

This Is IT by Alan Watts (and Other Essays on Zen and Spiritual Experiences)

I give it: 7/10

Length: 153 pages

My Spiritual Awakening took place in Los Angeles, summer of 2014. At the same time, I read this text—and now, nearly six years later, want to synthesize the take-aways as I practice minimalism in reducing my extensive books collection to just 125 books. 

In this text, Alan Watts defines this as, “Spiritual awakening is the difficult process whereby the increasing realization that everything is as wrong as it can be flips suddenly into the realization that everything is as right as it can be. Or better, everything is as It can be” (13).

Essays include:

This Is IT

Instinct, Intelligence, and Anxiety

Zen and the Problem of Control

Beat Zen, Square Zen, and Zen

Spirituality and Sensuality

The New Alchemy

The title essay, This Is IT focuses on current consciousness—the continually moving moment of NOW and on the necessity to let go of control in order to be open to all emotions and the “cosmic experience.”

“I believe that if this state of consciousness could become more universal, the pretentious nonsense which passes for the serious business of the world would dissolve in laughter” (12).

This essay slightly contradicts Abraham Hicks’ (Law of Attraction) assertion that your emotions matter most of all, as the indicator of your vibrational alignment (or disharmony) with all that is. Many Hicks’ listeners confuse this to me POSITIVE VIBES ONLY, when instead, Hicks affirms that negative emotions are not “wrong” or in need or control but instead act to move you towards what you do want and what feels good. 

Watts echos Hicks by affirming that negative emotions are not wrong, but co-exist on the spectrum of emotions,��and we should not try to control these feelings away/separate from us. In fact, Watts points out, enlightenment often arises in moments of despair. Contrasting emotions guide us towards what we want. However, Watts contradicts the idea that joy matters most, as he distinctly states that feelings of ecstasy are often confused for enlightenment. 

“...[T]he immediate now is complete even when it is not ecstatic. For ecstasy is a necessarily impermanent contrast in the constant fluctuation of our feelings. But insight, when clear enough, persists; having once understood a particular skill, the facility tends to remain” (18-19). 

Instead, Nirvana includes any/all emotions present and changing. Watts and Hicks alike encourage selfishness, while Hicks considers this a path to joy and Watts sees this humanness as a path to transcend the self to the “cosmic” whole or oneness, which he claims is purposeless and instead playful.

He points out that people mistakenly look for spiritual leaders to exhibit perfection over humanity:

“...[W]hether he shows anxiety or not, whether he depends upon ‘material crutches’ such as wine or tobacco, whether he loses his temper, or gets depressed, or falls in love when he shouldn’t, or sometimes looks a bit tired or frayed at the edges. All these criteria might be valid if the philosopher were preaching freedom from being human, or if he were trying to make himself or others radically better.... But the limits within which such improvements may be made are small in comparison with the vast aspects of our nature and our circumstances which remain the same.... I am saying...that while there is a place for bettering oneself and others, solving problems...this is by no means the only or even the chief principal of life....” (31-32).

Instead of prioritizing joy as an end-goal, Watts encourages purposelessness (as opposed to goal-setting and focus on improvement) and letting go of control as key to enlightenment:

“Nature is much more playful than purposeful, and the probability that it has no specific goals for the future need not strike one as a defect.... much more like art than business, politics, or religion. They are especially like the arts of music and dancing.... No one imagines that a symphony is supposed to improve in quality as it goes along, or that the whole object of playing is to reach the finale. The point of music is discovered in every moment of playing and listening to it” (32-33).

“...[I]f we are unduly absorbed in improving...we may forget altogether to live....” (33).

He goes onto say that if we believe that everything in the world is right just as it is, then we may perceive “our normal anxieties” as “ludicrous,” or a wrong response. Really, though, each emotion exists along a spectrum of all emotions, connected and contrasting one another in relation.

“...[T]he superior truth of the ‘cosmic’ experience... [C]ontrol must always be subordinate to motion if there is to be motion at all. In human terms, total restraint of movement is the equivalent of total doubt, of refusal to trust one’s senses or feelings.... On the other hand, movement and the release of restraint are the equivalent of faith, of committing oneself to the uncontrolled and the unknown..... An essential part of the ‘cosmic’ experience is, however that the normal restriction of consciousness to the ego-feeling is also right, but only and always because it is subordinate to absence of restriction, to movement and faith.... [T]here must be total affirmation and acceptance.... [F]or man to make himself mad by trying to bring everything under his control. We become insane, unsound, and without foundation when we lose consciousness of and faith in the uncontrolled and ungraspable...world which is ultimately what we ourselves are. And there is a very slight distinction, if any, between complete, conscious faith and love” (38-39).

One critique that I have with this essay is Watt’s meager attempt to assure that such acceptance of all as-is need not perpetuate injustice: 

With little supporting evidence, he state that, “[E]ven though it may be exploited for this purpose, the experience itself is in no sense a philosophy designed to justify or desensitize oneself to the inequalities of life,” (26). He goes onto say, “...the holocaust of the biological world, where every living creatures lives by feeding off others.... is reversed so that every victim is seen as offering itself in sacrifice” (37), going onto argue that all is relative. 

For me, this stretch contradicts experiences of the oppressed who fight against such an “offering” of themselves to a system that goes against their free will.

Overall, I think the message —to let go of control and constant striving for perfection, to accept all of our emotions as part of all that is— ironically offers an anecdote for an unbalanced culture to improve, through acceptance over action.

The other essays in this collection:

Instinct, Intelligence, and Anxiety looks at how humans differ from animals in our ability to analyze, predict, and decide—and at what cost.

Zen and the Problem of Control asks if, “man is a self-conscious and therefore self-controlling organism, how is he to control the aspect of himself which does the controlling?” Watts using judo as an example, of working with the blows delivered versus resisting. As it turns out—cooperation is key. 

Beat Zen, Square Zen, and Zen opens pandora’s box of true Zen, traditional Zen, and cultural interpretations—including Jack Kerouac’s. Watts argues that in order to don a true Zen lifestyle, one must overcome any fear or rebellion of their own culture. “Lacking this, his Zen will either be ‘beat’ or ‘square,’ either a revolt...or a form of stuffiness.... Zen is above all the liberation of the mind from conventional though...utterly different from rebellion against convention, on one hand, or adapting foreign conventions on the other” (90).

Spirituality and Sensuality begins with how, “It has often been said that the human being is a combination of animal and angel....” and further explores the illusion of duality as a true unity that cannot exist without an opposite.

The New Alchemy is an acid test that starts off with talking about immortality. Watts discusses the high points and recurrent themes of his experiences on LSD, including facing the ultimate illusion: fear of death.

[wordsypalabras]

You Ever Blink and Suddenly It’s 6 Years Later?

I recently moved to a new city. I graduated University in May. Moved in September. Been here since. It’s cold, it’s wet, it’s beautiful but it’s dark and I miss the sun. I miss looking up and feeling warm, I miss sitting on the edge of a pool with my feet in the water with sweat dripping down my back and the bottom of my thighs feeling the heat of the stone. But it’s okay. I’m trying to be positive and I distract myself enough to not have the sadness consume me. 

When I moved here I almost immediately began dating this guy Brandon. We watched a football game at my college friend’s apartment and vibed, the weekend after he took me to a haunted house which I loved. I love being scared. I love creepy things and not knowing. I love screaming in the car and laughing so hard I close my eyes. We planned to go on Saturday and then didn’t because it was pouring rain out that night and there was a wait of over an hour to get in. So we went back to his place and watched A Nightmare Before Christmas. The next day, Sunday, however, we went to the haunted house and that was great. He was sweet. He was thoughtful and sweet and a good kisser and silly with great taste in music. He helped me name my new car - Julian, after his favorite and my second favorite lead singer - Julian Casablancas (Anthony Kiedis is my first). All the while that I was seeing him, it felt like we just jumped straight in and it was cool because there was no prelim period, we just jumped. But it felt a little too committal for such little time together. Then one night we went out and I was drunk and kissed a good friend of mine, let's call him James, that I’d secretly been crushing on since I moved to this city. James and I talked about talking and had decided that after Thanksgiving we’d figure out what we were going to do. But then Thanksgiving happened.

Rewind to my first week in this city and we had a volunteer event. I saw a cute guy with a shirt from my university. So I tell him “nice shirt,” he made a what the fuck face, and walked away. From then on I thought of him as an asshole. Because he was.

Fast forward to Thanksgiving day. I wasn’t able to go back home for the holiday, so we had a Friendsgiving. Someone invited the asshole, let’s call him Dean. But I figured I wouldn’t be a bitch, I’d made sangria, and I wanted to make him feel included since he didn’t know anyone there except this one girl. I didn’t talk to him much, but he would give me a shy smile or look at me when someone said something ridiculous and he knew I understood his silent judgment. Towards the end of the night, he told me he liked my outfit. I drove him and my friend home. I dropped off my friend and then asked him where he lived. We drove to his place and then sat in my car talking from 9 PM til 330 AM that night. I was supposed to see Brandon that night and just completely forgot. I was supposed to be talking to James the following week about “us.” But the asshole truly captivated me. That was Thursday. Saturday we went out dancing and he came with, a bunch of guys asked me to dance and I politely declined, I wanted Dean’s attention. He walked me back to my car after, I drove him to his apartment, and we sat in my car until 730 AM just talking. I decided that night I was ending things with Brandon and wasn’t gonna start anything with James. 

By Monday I’d ended it with Brandon. Tuesday I’d had dinner with James and we’d agree to stay friends. Dean was sick that Tuesday so after dinner with James, I stopped by to drop him off some tea. We’ve been “dating” since but it seems as though he doesn’t want to define it just yet and I’m okay with that for now I think but after being single for over 5 years, I’m ready to not be anymore. And Dean is weird and complex but so easy to talk to and funny and I appreciate his existence so much. Sometimes when I drive home and think about him I get momentarily nervous, it’s weird. But I think I’m in this more than him. I don’t know if it’s what’s going on with his life right now - as he is looking for a better job more suited to him and hates his current job - or if he’s just always like this, but I’m always putting myself out there for him and it’s never reciprocated. He makes me scared, irrational, jealous, overthink everything, but happy. Not happy in a dependent way. I don’t need a guy to be happy, clearly I’ve proven this over the last five years, but nonetheless he does make me forget everything. The sadness isn’t hanging over me as much when he’s there. Which is why I say I think I’m in this more than him, I think he’s momentarily sad because of his job circumstances but I feel like I’m just a sad person in general who focuses more on making other people happy. 

I was feeling sad tonight and wanted to talk and he just kind of disappeared. So I texted Brandon just to hear from him and that was nice. I texted my ex that I’m good friends with, he has a kid now, just to talk but he has work in the morning so that was a bust. I got on tumblr to write and stumbled upon messages from another ex when I was a junior in highschool. I’d wondered what happened to him, he deleted all social media years ago and has been off the grid since, but I found his ex’s Instagram, he got back togethere with her after me. I saw a photo of him and he changed so much it was radical to see him look that way. I’ve kept this image of him and it was weird seeing him in another way. I found other friends I knew in highschool and it was weird. That ex that dropped off social media is engaged. The other good friend ex has a baby and is married for the second time. A friend from highschool is a chef at the Ritz Carlton, has twins, and lived in Italy for a while. My bestfriend of over ten years graduated from Brown University in May and is now living in Spain. And I was sitting here on  my bed sad about Dean and sad about nothing and suddenly I couldn’t breathe. I was gasping for air. How did I get here an how am I nearly 23 years old and how is it six years later and I feel like I have done nothing? And I know that’s not the truth, because in a non-brag honest type of way, I’m the most successful of anyone I know from my past. I graduated from the top university in my state, from the 5th best business school in the US, from the 3rd best program for my major in the US, I’m working for Microsoft and getting paid an amount I never believed I could make straight out of college, I’m dating an equally well educated man who isn’t a criminal or drug user like any of my ex’s, I don’t have children, I’ve got an amazing family. But yet I feel like this happened so quickly, time passed so fast, and I feel like I’m the only one who hasn’t moved. Will I always be dissatisfied? Is it dissatisfaction with life or myself? I don’t know what I’m doing. I doubt anyone is reading this at this point.

I wonder if my dad just screwed me up so much that I can’t survive without the attention of a man or constant validation. I can. I can. I know I can. But I want it.

Tell me what to do.