#but like. things in the world emotionally aren’t as hostile sometimes which is pretty great when you’re mentally ill and assuming the worst

[rosesradio]

my mental health has not been kind to me so i hope that the world will be

[the-lone-witch-and-secret-room]

Camila Noceda and Flawed Parenting

A perspective by a flawed person with loving but extremely flawed parents

I’m genuinely baffled at some people’s hostile reaction towards Camila. Like… do any of you have flawless parents that always know the best solution instantly, make no mistakes and never get emotional?

My parents are great. They’re super supportive and I love them very, very much. Overall I think I got very lucky in the parents department.

But god, they are far from flawless. I still live at home, and despite all the good, there’s moments when I can’t take my dad anymore. He’s the kind of dad that stayed up until two am to help me with homework when I was in school, and he does so, so many things to make sure I’m happy. I know that. But despite all of this, I have told my mom in emotional moments before that I’m not sure if I can keep living with him, because for all his good sides, he has a couple of fatal flaws that sometimes make him unbearable.

My mom listens to me and is very open to being educated on certain topics, but she has her flaws, too. She hates when I fight with my dad, and gets so torn up about it that I’ve once apologized to my dad out of fear of her getting into a car crash otherwise. She’s very vocal about certain flaws of mine, and sometimes uses the things she does for me as leverage against me when she gets very emotional.

And both of my parents pay a lot more attention to my brother because he needs it more, because he’s more of a “problem child” while I “seem so capable” even when I’m not.

And guess what? I’m not a perfect child. I make mistakes sometimes, some of them pretty severe. Just like Luz, I’m the kind of person that struggles to communicate certain issues of mine to her parents. I’m stubborn, and when I get emotional, I say very hurtful things sometimes. So do they.

And this has nothing to do with my parents being horrible or abusive. They’re neither of those things.

The takeaway from this should not be that my entire family is made up of terrible people, but that we’re all flawed in our own ways, despite loving each other and trying our best. There’s things about my parents I wish I could change, and there are things about me that my parents wish they could change. And to an extent, that’s perfectly normal.

In our strengths and flaws and frustration with each other, we’re all human.

Specific, spoiler-y Camila and Luz things under the cut since this got very long.

We have no indication that Camila has a pattern of emotionally manipulating Luz. Her “emotional manipulation” as I’ve seen some people put it, is people for some reason thinking that the second you become an adult, you’re suddenly perfect and can no longer make mistakes, lest you’ll be dubbed horrible and abusive.

The whole concept is absurd to me. There is no perfect way to parent. There simply isn’t. Of course, there’s some genuinely abusive patterns that are horrible and inexcusable. But out of the parenting styles that aren’t, which one works depends on a number of factors, one of which absolutely includes that every child is different and has different needs. Camila is an amazing parent for Vee, giving the kid everything she’s ever longed for. She’s not an ideal parent for Luz. And that’s because Luz and Vee have fundamentally different needs.

Likewise, Luz is a pretty great child for Eda, but not a perfect fit for Camila. Luz relates to Eda a lot more than she relates to her mom, and that’s why the two of them have an easier time understanding each other. Both of these mother-child relationships exist, and one is not more doomed to fail than the other, but I think you’ll agree that the better you understand someone and where they’re coming from, the easier it is to communicate, pick up on certain signs, etc.

As mom and daughter, Camila and Luz are both flawed and have issues seeing the other’s perspective because of how different they are. And we should simultaneously acknowledge both of their roles in the issue and give both of them the space to learn and grow past those issues.

Luz struggles to communicate her problems. She doesn’t want to burden people in the demon realm, and it’s a given that this started out as not wanting to burden her mom. So she keeps quiet about her issues. Camila tries hard but can’t read her daughter’s mind, so there’s only so much she can do to understand and help the way Luz needs her to. Hell, Eda, who Luz is a lot more open with than her mom, struggles to help her, because Luz doesn’t tell her what’s wrong. I don’t see anyone calling Eda a terrible mom for that.

Camila tries her best, but she struggles to understand her daughter because of this, and because of how fundamentally different they are. She loves Luz’s creativity, we actively see her supporting it in the new episode—she keeps the weird stuff Luz made because she thinks Luz will regret throwing it away, and even plays along in what she assumes to be some elaborate role play because “she’s glad Luz kept her creativity even though it’s not made things easy for her at school”. But at the beginning of the show, said creativity got out of hand and people got hurt. Luz could’ve gotten hurt. So of course Camila had to interfere. I love Luz dearly, but she thought it was okay to bring snakes to school and set off fireworks inside a school building. Creativity is great. Doing reckless stuff that causes people to get hurt is not.

In sending Luz to camp, Camila tried to have someone else fix her issue because she didn’t know how to help Luz. That was a mistake, and a bad one at that, but she’s realizing that. She looks disheartened when Vee tries to throw out Luz’s stuff, because she never meant to change her daughter or take that part of her away. She just thought Luz needed a reality check—which, for the record, is something the narrative actually agrees with.

Luz spends her time in the demon realm getting reality check after reality check, realizing that even her ideal fantasy world where she has everything she always wanted doesn’t mean she’s free of consequences. She goes overboard constantly, causing:

-Eda to be forced to fly into a trap because Luz is chasing a fantasy (Witches before Wizards)

-Eda to almost be branded by her sister because Luz doesn’t think through why Eda doesn’t use magic to publicly announce her presence constantly (Once Upon a Swap)

-Eda and the twins to get kidnapped by a Slitherbeast because Luz stole Amity’s wand (Adventures in the Elements)

-Her friends to get hurt when she goes overboard trying to help Willow (Wing it like Witches)

-Eda to be captured and almost petrified because Luz thought she could just steal from the Emperor with no consequences in an attempt to help (Agony of a Witch)

I’m like 90% sure these aren’t even all. None of those make her a terrible person, for the record, but as all humans are, she is flawed and makes bad choices. She learns from these experiences and matures, just like her mom had hoped she would at camp. She’s also made friends there, which was another thing Camila wanted for her daughter.

You’ll probably realize that a lot of Luz’s behaviors I mentioned follow one of two patterns: 1. Luz’s idealized fantasy world causing problems, when she walks around with rose tinted glasses and gets people in trouble in the process because she hasn’t thought about the consequences, and 2. Luz trying to help someone she loves, but instead making things worse in the progress. The issue with this one is often that she doesn’t communicate her ideas/listen to the people she’s trying to help—like when Willow and Gus said they’ve had enough of Grudgby, or how she never actually talks to Eda about the healing hat idea before doing something reckless.

…does the latter one sound familiar to you at all? No? Because it’s the exact same thing that Camila did.

Some of the things Luz does are reckless and actively endanger others and herself, and that’s something that I think we need to acknowledge before judging Camila. As Luz’s mom, it’s Camila’s job to interfere in those situations. That she made a mistake while trying to protect Luz doesn’t make her a terrible person, especially as, again, the narrative proves her right to an extent.

I’m not saying her making Luz promise to come back and stay isn’t something that hurt Luz—it absolutely is. But it was born out of desperation. She’s emotional and in shock. She’s so full of pain and regret. She just wants her fourteen year old daughter home safe, and there’s nothing abusive or even morally ambiguous about that.

From Luz’s perspective, what she says is absolutely heartbreaking, but from Camila’s, it’s perfectly reasonable. I doubt Camila has the full picture, but even if she does, she’s had a full fifteen seconds to process that her daughter has not only been lying to her for months, but chose to leave her, and is in the demon realm of all places. Of course she’d be emotional and upset about that! Who wouldn’t? Camila isn’t a robot. If she’d been calm about this I’d be way more concerned, honestly.

My parents don’t get mad that easily, but if I would lie to them for weeks on end, they’d be pissed off too, not even taking the running away from home part into account. That’s a normal thing. People don’t like being lied to. Camila is absolutely devastated in that moment because she’s scared that Luz left because she hates her, when Luz actively states that her leaving wasn’t about her mom—which is another thing we should really be acknowledging.

Abusive parents suck and abuse should obviously never be apologized or trivialized, but saying something hurtful in the heat of the moment isn’t the same thing as being an abusive parent. My parents have done this. I’ve done this. And yes, those things can be emotionally manipulative, but there’s a huge difference in whether that’s a habit or a person speaking out of hurt and desperation in a very specific context. I doubt there’s anyone on the entire planet that hasn’t had a bad moment where they’ve said something like this because they were hurting. People lash out when they hurt, and they beg for reassurance when they’re scared. That’s something we all do.

The whole mindset of “all parents have to be perfect and can never get upset or make any mistakes” is harmful as hell, and honestly also very unrealistic. No parent is perfect, and especially people like me who have a relationship with their parents that’s very good overall should know that.

Once you have a child, parenting is a non-stop learning process, every day for the rest of your life. Taking away that room to grow and expecting perfection isn’t helping anyone, especially not struggling single parents.

And I see Camila as someone who is very willing to learn, because at the end of the day, all she wants is for Luz to be happy. Let’s give her some time to wrap her head around this whole situation. Let’s see what she says once she sees for herself how happy Luz is in that world, may it be via the videos eventually coming through or Camila visiting and meeting Luz’s found family, her friends and her girlfriend.

Ultimately, I don’t think Camila will force Luz to stay at home, but we have to give her some time. She wants what’s best for Luz, and she’s gonna need some convincing that a dangerous magical world is what’s best. I feel like that’s very normal considering the circumstances.

Her and Luz need to work on their communication on both ends, they both have things to learn, but I’m certain they’ll manage to fix their relationship in the long run.

If the bunk bed is any indication, I think Vee is gonna stay in the human realm permanently while Luz sleeps at home but keeps attending Hexside in the daytime. That feels like a solution that keeps everyone happy, and allows Luz to spend time with all the people she loves. I can’t see her being forced to choose at the end.

As a closing statement: Eda isn’t an ideal mom, Amity isn’t an ideal friend or girlfriend and neither is Luz, Lilith isn’t an ideal sister… but that’s because no one is ever an ideal anything. Being flawed is a big part of being human. Everyone has different facets to their personality. Their flaws are what makes them such great, relatable, believable characters.

And I feel the same way about Camila. She’s an extremely believable character that reminds me of my own parents, flawed but very loving nonetheless.

(Also honestly, I think it’s pretty telling that some of you guys immediately bash the black single mom that’s obviously trying her hardest while giving the benefit of the doubt to Alador, who has been portrayed as neglecting and threatened his six year old daughter on screen. This was already a thing before we knew much about either of them, and I’m disappointed but unfortunately not very surprised that it still is.)

[euphoricsunflowers]

sub drop — monsta x

request: Hey so I'm not entirely sure if you accept reaction requests if not then a headcanon is fine I was wondering how a male reader would take care of sub monsta x during a sub drop possibly a mix of for some it's their first ever sub drop and for others it's not, tysm n ily!!

a/n: sorry this took forever 😭😭 i hope you like it :,)

word count: 1.8k

content: sub!monsta x, none are smutty :), sub drop obviously, use of a safeword (minhyuk’s part), aftercare, just general sub/dom things,

—

son hyunwoo/shownu:

he can’t shake the feeling. he tries to just get over it, because while he obviously knows you care about him, he’s doesn’t want to let you know that anything is wrong. and he doesn’t even know what’s wrong with him.

it’s just that every time you’ve been holding him close, objectifying him in a way that he adores, making him feel like all he has to be is pretty to be worthy of praise, it doesn’t feel like it should. he’s so used to pressure, pressure, pressure. he’s used to high expectations, and he’s used to working hard because he can’t let people down. he’s always been adored, but with you, he doesn’t have to work for it.

and yet, it doesn’t have the same kick that it used to. he doesn’t get the high, airy, “in the clouds” feeling, at least not recently. he knows you can sense it, he’s a good actor but he’s not that good of an actor, and you can see it in his eyes. he’s getting uncomfortable and nervous.

“sweet bear,” you murmur as you wrap your arms around him, “what’s been going on with you? is everything alright?”

“i’m okay,” he responds blankly, but he holds you tightly like he doesn’t ever want to let you go, “i just haven’t been feeling great about… you know what recently.”

“ah, then that could be my fault. i need to take care of you better afterward. how about tonight we just relax, not as dominant and submissive, but just as lovers?”

“okay.”

lee hoseok/wonho:

you find him with tears on his cheeks as he cries silently. he either sobs unimaginably loud and buries himself into your arms for hours on end, or he’s quiet in your room with soft sniffles and hiccups heard from the other side of the door.

but he just lies there, crying. he looks so out of it, but in the worst way possible. he looks miserable, wallowing in the feelings that he’s silently submerged himself in hopes that you wouldn’t have to see him like this.

“hoseok, darling,” your words fill the room, and he’s suddenly so suffocated by all the darkness.

“please- i- please make it stop.”

you’re by his side in a second, “make what stop, baby?” he shakes his head, pulling you by your wrist onto the bed so you’re as close to him as possible as he cuddles and wraps himself around you like you’re a teddy bear, “sweetheart,” you say, running your fingers through his hair. he sighs comfortably with you close to him and playing with his hair always made him feel sleepy.

as the tears begin to stop, you lull him to sleep with little whispered nothings, “i love you, sweetheart. please let me know whenever you start to feel bad, okay? i want to be here for you.”

lee minhyuk:

it’s not like it never happens, but it’s still so unusual that it confuses him every time. it creeps up on him slowly until he’s lying beneath you, all dazed and under your control, with a sudden ache in his stomach. it’s anxiety and nervousness that he has no reason to be feeling, but he does.

he knows you wouldn’t want him to hide it, so he calls the safeword immediately, and the change in your expression and demeanor makes his heart swoon just a little bit. suddenly he’s free from the restraints and in your arms and you’re whispering sweet things to him, rubbing his chest to soothe the marks you’d left earlier.

“it's happening again,” he groans, “the thing we had talked about a while ago. when i started feeling bad all of a sudden.”

“ahh, okay. thanks for telling me, sweetheart,” you press a kiss to his forehead, “what i can do right now to help, besides the obvious aftercare stuff?”

“please just- tell me you didn’t mean the things you said to me.”

his plea makes your heart shatter just a bit, but you keep it together for his sake, “i meant none of it. you’re the most important and sweetest angel in my life, my darling sun. i could never mean it. you’re such a sweet soul, my perfect little vita-min,” he smiles softly, feeling so high and light, “i love you, min. don’t forget it.”

he's not mentally there enough to say it back, but you can feel it in the way he moves to hold your hand. you take it, and never let him go.

yoo kihyun:

kihyun is a good communicator… most of the time. he’s mostly gotten past the instinct to bury his feelings down and just deal with whatever’s happening because that had upset you in the past and he doesn’t like making you upset.

but he didn’t know how to verbalize these feelings that had slowly overtaken him. he’s never felt these paralyzing and hellish feelings before, they crept upon him, and the moment you were out that door, they hit him like a ton of bricks.

he wants to call out your name, he wants to cry, but he doesn’t. he can’t. he just lies there, swallowed up by the sheets as he suffocates on his own feelings.

“hey,” you whisper, catching his attention. he’s startled by your call, and you can see in his reaction and nervousness that he isn’t alright.

but he’s still kihyun, and this vulnerability he didn’t get to allow himself to show leaves him anxious, he doesn’t have a sense of control over his lack of control and it makes him uncomfortable.

“kihyun, baby, you’re alright,” you murmur as you kiss his forehead, “you’re okay. you don’t need to talk about it if you don’t want to, just tell me what you need. do you want me here with you? or would you rather me go sit in the other room?”

“with me,” he groans, offering up a spot on the bed next to him, “i want to hold you,” he says. he looks so small right now, especially because his fiery, intense, yet loving personality is just so big that you forget that he’s this fragile little thing sometimes. in that moment, all you felt like doing was holding him tightly and never letting go, protecting him from all the bad things and bad feelings.

but that wasn’t what he wanted. he’s still your kihyun, and this is his way of feeling better, “okay,” you say, “hold me close, will you?”

chae hyungwon:

hyungwon is naturally kind of embarrassed that he’s submissive to you. he hides it well, but he still asks that it not be brought up to any extent in conversation that involves other people. to the world, hyungwon is the one in control, and only behind closed doors does he fall to his knees for you.

but, still, that nervousness and shyness and anxiety eats away at him, makes him feel small and unconfident, and he starts to distance himself emotionally whenever he’s unhappy for any reason. you had done nothing wrong, but hyungwon still hasn’t found peace with the nature of your relationship.

it’s not that he’s deprived of what he wants, but being yours is what he wants, he just can’t stand for anyone else to know that.

and so these bad feelings manifest every now and then, but you and him are used to them. he gives himself a few hours to wallow in them, to truly feel them, and then he asks for a cute little date night as a reminder that your relationship is built off of love and not just dominance over him.

and of course, he requests that you sweet talk him the whole night, “i love you, wonnie. don’t ever believe otherwise, you hear me? you’re my perfect little butterfly, so tall and gorgeous and sweet and kind and loving and absolutely perfect. there’s nothing i don’t adore about you.”

it seems to do the trick.

lee jooheon:

he can’t tell when it happens, but you spot it every time. he becomes somewhat hostile towards you, of course, the feelings aren’t exactly what he wants to feel but he can’t help the amount to which he just becomes harsh and closed off.

but he still listens, still smiles faintly when you hold his hand, “jooheon, sweetheart, im sorry we’ve been neglecting your needs to the point where you feel this way, can you please just talk to me? can you tell me how you feel?”

“i- i don’t feel good. i don’t feel good about anything we do usually, and i’m stuck on why. i’m not hurt, you took care of me well after every session. and i’m just-”

he doesn’t finish his sentence, but you find the right words for him, “frustrated that you don’t understand your feelings?”

“yeah… yeah that’s about right. i’m not mad at you, i just- im mad that i don’t understand why i feel so bad right now.”

“joo, baby, this isn’t irrational or not normal. it’s completely fine to feel like this, and in fact, i’m glad you’re so in tune with your feelings that you’re really trying to understand and feel them completely. hiding them won’t do anything.”

“so- what do we do now?” he asks.

“whatever you want, my sweet bee. you come first tonight.”

im changkyun/i.m:

it had been days since the session, and yet the bad feelings wait to hit him when he’s making breakfast for himself, without you there. he’s not at home and won’t be for a while, and subsequently doesn’t have you there with him.

with the time difference that he forgot to take into account, you’re asleep when he calls. he tries to apologize heavily for waking you up, but since he woke you up, you’re not letting him hang up unless he tells you why he called.

“i didn’t feel well emotionally all of a sudden, and i just wanted to be with you,” he murmurs, and it shatters all of your tired little heart, “and this is the best i’ve got right now. i’m sorry for bothering you while you were asleep, my love.”

“don’t apologize for prioritizing your needs, kyun. do you want to talk?”

“not… really??”

“alright, then i’ll stay on the call with you. im gonna try to go back to sleep, but please let me know if you want to talk. no sleep is more important than my angel.”

—

taglist: @lovingonrepeat @neosincity @sub-hoshi-enthusiast @multidreams-and-desires @hobilluvvr @vanillaknj @yr-domxfantasies @treasure-hwa @fleurshopsub @rubyscloud9 @silencefavarchive @nct99 @bigkpopstan @monstaxdirtywonk @domreaderrecs @mochi-ficz and always feel free to ask to be added to/removed from the taglist <3

[genshinfanboy]

The Protag twins.

| Hello everyone. As I currently have no requests I'm going to do some Headcanons about Lumine and Aether. These are my own opinions please take them with a grain of salt. I main Aether  so it will be based on how I play him and how I’ve seen people play with Lumine. The Xiao one-shot and Barbara scenarios are on hold until in figure out how I want them to go. These will be general Headcanons I have about them both. I feel as if there isn't enough fan content for their characters. So here it is. Please enjoy.

Warning: Spoilers.

Aether and Lumine

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Both:

I see the two twins age as around 18- 20 range but look underage. They also have no way to prove their age to those in Teyvat as they aren’t from that world.

They both see the other twin as better than themselves. They have been together for their entire lives. They were not able to imagine their life without the other until they were trapped in Teyvat.

The two were given special powers to go anywhere. They decided to escape their fates. In one of the now voiced lines in their now voiced profile we find out their world used constellations to determine the people’s fate. They go to world to world in order to escape their fates. The battle pass introduction may be intertwined with their fates. Which is why they are trying to escape it.

Neither of them are fond of the dark and they both are terrified of being alone for long periods of time. The sibling who is leading The Abyss Order managed to over come these fear but now fear how their sibling may treat them.

They have both given up moments so their sibling could shine. Growing up was a bit difficult for the two. Since they were twins it means they were always the same age and could have activities or events that overlapped sometimes. 

On their birthday the two would always surprise the other with a special gift. 

Both got a broken heart from someone they were close with on their home planet. They don’t wish to see their sibling in that state ever again.

The two are both extremely emotionally aware when it comes to tense situations.

They both think pathways take too long and will climb up walls and cliffs to make their trips faster. The knights of Favonius have stopped looking at walkways whenever they are supposed to meet either twin. Kaeya likes to make bets with Amber about which wall they will climb up.

They are both royalty in their home world but try not act as if they are above anyone they meet. 

They are both highly intelligent and quickly pick up languages from all of their travels to other worlds.

Aether:

He is older by a few minutes and I feel as if he is also shorter than Lumine by an inch or two. It is more noticeable of their height different when his sister is wearing her heeled shoes. It irritates him a lot to the point he doesn’t like anyone mentioning his height. 

He is gay but has chosen to hide his feelings towards other males. Some worlds were hostile towards same sex couples while others were accepting of it. He loves having the people he cares about play or brush his hair. 

He takes forever to fall for someone and hasn’t told his sister about how he likes other males. sometimes it seems as if he has no romantic attraction for anyone.

He preferers to observe things before jumping in. This includes conversations and battles. He would prefer to be a pacifist all the time and talk issues out but knows that can’t be the case most of the time. 

He tends to keep to himself. After he got his heart broken that first time he started closing himself off from others. 

He enjoys reading and cooking a lot. Whenever he is reading less people come to talk to him. He is very quite naturally looking at the opening scene where we get introduced to the story he didn’t talk too much until the end. 

He likes children but is also wary of harming them. He normally just gets dragged along by them and he’ll just let them do all of the talking.

When he speaks he tries being very polite and is fairly intelligent.

He takes a while to build connections but once there is a relationship of any kind he’d do anything for that person. If you harm someone he cares about his rationality about certain situations goes out the window. He 100% wants to make Signora pay for what she did to Venti. He would’ve gone to punch her when he saw her again but he was busy trying to process what Zhongli’s explanation.

Thinks of Paimon as a younger sister to him. 

Made a rule to protect them both from getting too attached to worlds and that is don’t get attached to the people. Which worked well for them until they got stuck on Teyvat.

He can is very envious of his sister’s strength and her free spirit. He sometimes wishes he was just as out going as her.

Lumine:

She is younger by a few minutes but will tease her brother whenever she gets the chance. It always gets him worked up. Which makes her giggle a bit. She also knows exactly when to stop the teasing. She is very aware of what is too far when joking with her brother.

She is Bisexual. How can she choose between girls and boys they are both so pretty. If someone makes her heart skip she will gush about them for hours to whomever will listen to her go on and on about that person. She because cautious of saying her feelings towards other girls. Has never once thought about telling her brother she likes other girls because she fear what his reaction may be. 

She falls for people easily and it has taken a toll on her heart. Every time she got hurt because she fell for the wrong person her brother would always help her support her. She is easy to fluster but she knows there is line when it comes to people saying things. She has never been taken advantage of because she is naïve. She knows who she can and can’t trust.

She is super outgoing and unafraid to say whatever is on her mind. If she is asked to do something she doesn’t like she will say something about it.

She is super impulsive and will rush into things. Her personality seems chaotic and would run into a battle to save someone.

She is stronger than her brother when it comes to fighting. She is unforgiving in battle so she can save others. Her entire goal has always been to protect others. she is a very social person and needs to interact with others.

She enjoys physical activities and cooking. She can not stand staying still for too long. She has to do something with her hands. It can be playing with something or just rocking back and forth on her feet.

Children are some of her favorite people to be around. She loves playing with them and hearing some of their stories. How kids see the world leaves her in absolute aw. They want to play pretend? She is in the role she has been given immediately. 

She will protect those who she holds dear with everything she has. There won’t be an ounce of fear when she is protecting her loved ones. She feels deep sorrow and remorse if someone she loves is hurting. 

She is jealous at how mature and intelligent Aether seems. She will get frustrated if someone tells her to be more like him.

Paimon is 100% her emergency food she can get annoyed with her a lot. She also feels as if Paimon doesn’t do too much. 

| That is all for now. Thanks for reading and have a great day or night.

[brokenmusicboxwolfe]

Talking to Mom today about everything I didn’t get done today....

Me: Well, there’s always tomorrow.

Mom: Not always. 

***sigh***

(Gonna keep my venting where it belongs....below the cut.)

And so I find myself wondering if this is just Mom’s usual combo of being a stickler for accuracy and having a casually, cheerfully pessimistic nature...or if something specific has her down.

While I puzzle that, I find myself thinking “Gee, she has a point. I’ve been feeling like I have no future anyway.”

And people wonder why I say my smiling and loving mom is horrible at being reassuring or encouraging. I used to ask her to just lie to me and tell me things would be okay when I was worried or scared, but it’s just not her nature. I mean,  if I was really sick and asked her if she thought I might be dying, she’d say “Probably not, but maybe. It’s possible.” Which oddly isn’t very comforting.....

Maybe that’s why the characters I daydream up are so good at saying things like “It will be alright” or “You can do this” or “That was amazing”. I can imagine up the things I never get to hear. Oh, and the hugs that even when she was here  to hug didn’t come naturally. 

She doesn’t really get it, you know. Why would you need to hear these things? Words can’t effect the future or alter the past, and you shouldn’t need someone effect how you emotionally cope. Certainly you shouldn’t need praise to know whether you did well. Your emotions are your own. 

It’s her nature, you see. Like her absolute disinterest in small talk or gossip. Her coworkers used to tease her saying she was the least curious person they ever knew, which annoyed her. She was curious about things, just never ever about other people’s private lives. To her, I think we exist in emotional, self sufficient, bubbles, individual worlds that can be seen from a distance but effected very little through the space between us. 

Trouble is, for me whils we are individual worlds, we are also  worlds that don’t always have everything needed for life to thrive. Most people are always lobbing figurative rockets towards each other, sometimes bombs but sometimes needed supplies. Much as we may fear getting blown up, we hope for those supplies. And the more explosive impacts we take, the more we actually need those benevolent rockets to recover. We aren’t completely emotionally self contained, but systems of worlds.

But maybe once your planetary surface is blasted to raw rock, no longer pretty and inviting, no one wants to waste their time sending supplies and all you get are the malevolent firing potshots for the laugh of blowing more bits off. Maybe then being self contained would be better. 

I wish I were more like Mom, never craving or hoping for some sort of external positive reinforcement. But we are wired differently, and sometimes I ache those seemingly unimportant little words. 

Still, if I got them I wouldn’t probably know how to deal with them. For instance,  do you accept compliments or praise? Growing up my parents just expected and took for granted I would behave a certain way and could do most things well, and whenever I failed there must be a good reason, so there was no need to comment much. Teachers flat out said that good grades and behavior were their own rewards (BS, I STILL have sticker envy of the slow classes), and they only commented when I did poorly in order to delight in their bizarre victory over me.** And do you know what it meant whenever peers said something nice? It was always, ALWAYS, as set up for a bit of bullying. “Nice hair” would be followed, if I was fool enough to thank them, with “for a rat’s nest!!” and howls of laughter...

 And the dirty secret of life is adulthood changes nothing. Oh, a few people get lucky. Somehow they find the right friends, they get repect for the things they do, or maybe someone even falls in love with them. But not everyone. The people with power over you, the people in your close circle may change, and who you might consider peers may widen, but it’s the same thing over and over for some us. 

Will I go to my grave craving someone to say “It’s going to be okay” or “Great job!” or “I’m so proud of you!” or even just a simple hug when I’m crying? Or will I finally figure out Mom’s trick not ever feeling a need for such things? 

I dunno. Today I just kinda would have settled for a “Yes, tomorrow might be better”, true or not. My hope supplies are running really low right now and a rocket with a little would go a long way......

**NEVER believe teacher’s pet bullshit. Teachers often develop is strange hostility to smart students, especially ones that that don’t kiss ass, or are peculiar,  or independent minded. I remember being shocked and confused in elementary school when I realized some of my teachers actually felt threatened by me. ME, who never in my life wanted to hurt anyone’s feelings or show anyone up, who did my damnedest to never do my best. 

If you are exceptionally well behaved, even if it is out of anxiety, that makes it worse. Everyone hates the nice, polite, and quiet kids. If you stick to a code of ethics there is a resentment, this assumption it’s an act, a mask they need to rip off. Nothing like having a teacher interogate you for days trying to get you to confess to a misbehavior you never did, because “everyone else” did it so you must have too, to make you realize what they really think of well behaved kids.

In my experience most teachers are like bullying cops, eager to nail you for something, anything, so they can feel better about themselves. Good teachers exist in theory, but there was a reason this straight A student fantasized about blowin’ up the fucking school building! 

[rookisaknight]

MBTI and the Seeds

Religious bullshit, meet personality bullshit. I took to 16personalities for a direction on this and was actually pretty convinced by the majority of the results (which is whack because 16personalities almost always gets at least one letter off), but I have an unfathomably large amount of information about this test stored in my grey matter so I’ll be hopping off a bit to fill in my own blanks. Also notable is the severe trauma each of the Seeds have been through

This is going under a cut because it's a long post and honestly might be more worthwhile as a reference for myself and how I write the Seeds, but I can’t be the only personality nerd in this fanbase.

Jacob Seed: ISTJ. The Logistician

I wasn’t sold on this one initially given that Jacob seems far more comfortable with out of control situations than most Js generally are, but I find the overall profile fits him better than ISTP. My explanation is that his time in the juvie, the military, and the foster system has forced a maturation of this particular function due to constantly feeling out of control, which makes him more open to adaptation than he would have been otherwise. 

Strengths:

Honest and Direct: Notably Jacob is arguably the least manipulative Seed. He “tricks” you in a sense with the conditioning but that is more a strategic concealment than any deception. Unlike the other three, Jacob does not pretend that his actions come from any sense of love or divine calling. He is always straightforward with the deputy, even if that doesn’t restrain his cruelty.

Strong-willed and Dutiful: Basically see all of the Book of Joseph, as well as his “you think I care if I die” comments. I lump very responsible under this. 

Calm and Practical: I don’t think I have to explain this part. Jacob never reacts from an explicitly emotional place. The “did you think you were free” is the closest to losing his temper I think we see from him. He has expectations, and failure to meet them will be punished. He doesn’t see a need to get emotional about it, preferring to detach himself

Create and Enforce Order: Well, culling the herd is an unconventional tactic, but...

Weaknesses: 

Stubborn: As Joseph said, Jacob has been getting into it since he was a kid. Even with the brother, he’s willing to die for, he explicitly argues with him. And even in the face of his own death, he refuses to rescind his own philosophy, or even demonstrate any regret for the path he’s chosen.

Insensitive and Judgemental: Jacob’s a shithead no I will not elaborate

Always By the Book: an illegal paramilitary cult, yes, but one that holds to Jacob’s exacting standards. 

Often Unreasonably Blames Themselves: Loath as I am to woobify Jacob at all, there’s a pathos to him. As Joseph says, he thinks of himself as a “weapon without a purpose. A soldier without a legacy”. As a child, he protected his siblings and as an adult, he views himself as little more than a meatshield. There’s a sense that he objectifies himself, reduces himself down to simply the function of violence and protection, and those high standards mean that he views death as simply another failure.

can bastard be a personality type

Joseph Seed: ISFP- The Observer

The test originally gave me INFP, but I find that unconvincing for two reasons. One, INFP’s are predominantly defined by an open-minded approach to life and to ideas, which doesn’t fit well with a guy so convinced he got religion right that he was willing to kidnap and murder people. Two, while Joseph is definitely contemplative and deals with the symbolic, his “visions” are not flights of fancy but are in some sense practical. He doesn’t really appear to engage in thought experiments, merely interpret sensory (or in this case extrasensory) information that he is presented with.

Strengths:

Charming: The man runs a successful church for a reason, and it can’t just be good cheekbones and dogwhistling

Sensitive to Others: Joseph has a keen insight into other people’s emotional state, which is what makes him so effective at manipulating them. He tends to meet people where they’re at with a certain deftness that would be impressive if he didn’t use it the way he did

Passionate: about the LORD. No, but I’ll give this to the man, he’s certainly got a vision, and sticks to it with intensity.

Curious: I think anyone working in the business of people has to have an inherently curious mind, and while Joseph may believe he has all the answers, his fascination with the Deputy to me indicates that he has an inherent draw to things that disrupt his world. I also think about how he would get in trouble as a child for seeking out forbidden material, such as Spiderman comics. those Satanic webs...

Weaknesses:

Fiercely Independent: He’s developed a supportive community now but Joseph has always marched to the beat of his own awful, awful drum, which has gotten him kicked out of at least one job and lost him at least one set of foster parents. He doesn’t seem to need people as much as he acquires them 

Unpredictable: Sometimes with blood, sometimes with forgiveness, it's hard to say how Joseph will respond to disruption on any given day. Where the spirit leads, I suppose. 

Easily Stressed: This one I’ll actually argue that his turbulent history and the demands of his job have at least taught him to cover this up, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t cracks in the armor. “yOU HAVE TO BELIEVE ME!!!!!”

Overly Competitive: He’s a sore loser with a tendency to punish people for failing him (see: Faith and the statue)

Fluctuating Self-Esteem: He’s dealing with a joint worldview where he is at once God’s chosen and a “no one from nowhere with nothing”. How much of that is genuine we may never know, but I don’t think the fluctuation is outside the realm of possibility

John Seed: ESFJ-The Consul

I was a little on the fence about N vs S but ultimately found that John’s a bit more concrete than conceptual.

Strengths:

Strong Practical Skills: I mean, the man orchestrated a hostile takeover of an entire county, he knows how to get things done when he wants

Strong Sense of Duty, Very Loyal: This part is likely underdeveloped given how tempestuous forming relationships was for most of his life, but given how bound he feels to Joseph its clearly in him.

Good at Connecting With Others: He’s a shitstain, but according to Joseph he had business connections everywhere and was basically a walking secret storage bin. John can probably be very charming if you don’t know how he spends his weekends in the bunker. 

Sensitive and Warm: again, underdeveloped given his background, but there’s clearly a lot of emotions broiling just below the surface given how volatile he can be and how easily Joseph can access them. Joseph also describes him as a very sensitive kid, for what that’s worth

Weaknesses

Worried About Their Social Status: The boy is a climber

Inflexible:  He holds pretty firmly to his headcanons on Hope County (for fuck’s sake John Nick’s sin isn’t Greed, its Sloth) and has a very definite view on how things should be. Not to mention he seems very particular, just based on the state of his home and his clothes. He has rituals and habits, and will not deviate.

Vulnerable to Criticism: If you say anything about his future receding hairline he will cry. He just will. Not to mention I’m citing that look he gives you when you’re apparently costing him paradise by not converting

Often Too Needy: He will either get attention or he will die trying. 

Too Selfless: Honestly, selfless isn’t the right word here, but I’ll copy the way 16 personalities describes it because I think it fits really well for John. “ Consuls sometimes try to establish their value with doting attention, something that can quickly overwhelm those who don’t need it, making it ultimately unwelcome. Furthermore, Consuls often neglect their own needs in the process.” John is a deeply selfish person but he does act like someone who tries to get affection by giving everything of himself, often to the point that he makes the other person uncomfortable.

I literally love this dramatic edit it's so good

Faith Seed/Rachel Jessop: ENFP-The Campaigner

I have nothing to add, it just fits. At the most, I think Faith is a little more pragmatic than she lets on (given that whole “if violence is the only language you choose to speak”) but to me, that can easily be an extension of the ENFP’s ability to connect emotionally. It means they know how to cut people off 

Strength

Curious: I mean you don’t end up in a cult willingly without a little curiosity. Faith also seems mildly intrigued by the Deputy’s resistance, and while this eventually culminates in frustration with our intractability, I believe there’s a genuine investment in the journey to conversion

Observant: Faith is cued into her public perception, both from the resistance and the cult, and consciously constructs it. She also shares Joseph’s ability to tune into emotions and exploit them.

Energetic and Enthusiastic: How much of her ray of sunshine persona is constructed for the benefit of converting people will probably never be answered, but I don’t believe it can be constructed whole cloth. I think Rachel always was a person with a lot of heart and enthusiasm for her passions, even if it's not as constant as Faith Seed wants you to believe

Excellent Communicators: There’s a reason she’s regarded as the Siren. She can talk people into things even they don’t want to do. Certainly left me shook

Know How To Relax: *insert weed joke here*

Very Popular and Friendly: Again, her Siren persona may not be 100% genuine, but you can’t fake that level of charisma

Weaknesses:

Poor Practical Skills: Listen, Rachel is smart as hell (definitely smart enough to develop a drug and orchestrate mass production thereof), but her planning skills? Not great. Up until Burke gets taken out of the Bliss her plan seemed to be “talk with the Deputy over and over until they change their mind”. She kicks it up a notch after she finally gets annoyed with us but it seems a bit more “making it up as she goes”, and she falls back on strategies that have worked for her before but aren’t really effective for the Deputy. In fairness, I don’t think any of the Seeds are strong in the planning department

Overthink Things, Get Stressed Easily: Unlike with John and Jacob, Faith doesn’t really let us in to see her darker side. She prefers to speak of her flaws in the past tense. Yet clearly anxiety has been an issue in her life, given how deeply her isolation sat with her and her sense of worthlessness. Using drugs as an escape from stress also makes sense for her character, at least from my perspective

Highly Emotional: Faith communicates in emotional terms, manipulates people through emotions, and unlike someone like Jacob Faith loses her temper. She shouts at us, demonstrates her frustration very openly, even screams at us that we couldn’t possibly understand her.

Independent to a Fault: Her personal history gives her some interesting codependent issues with Joseph but based on what we hear of her from Tracey Rachel resented anyone trying to control her, even if they had her best interests at heart, and was perfectly willing to burn bridges over people questioning her choices. 

If people are interested I can develop these out more. I may eventually do these for the police force members too but frankly, we’re given less to deal with for them, in particular with Joey and Staci, so who knows.

[fifty-first-worstidea]

Ladies, Gentleman, And Gremlins Of The Internet, May I Present To You The Dysfunctional Family Au For The Ericson’s Crew

Hey, that rhymes.

Basically, the children of TFS just can’t catch a break and end up with some interesting twists to their character.

Clementine: Dementia

Sometimes her lack of judgement causes her to make the wrong choices, which result in somewhat serious consequences (Player making choices)

Sometimes she will not be able to get a sense of distance and fail at simple tasks (Quick time events)

AJ: Misophonia

Gets angry at the sound of somebody slamming a door, feels sad when he hears somebody crying

The computer doesn’t understand what Misophonia is and honestly I feel smart

Louis: Insomnia, mute

Finds it hard to communicate because sometimes he’s too tired to sign

As Violet’s roommate, he often asks her to sing him to sleep because otherwise he has a hard time catching his Z’s

Violet: Schizophrenia, borderline personality disorder

In the presence of people who may be violent or emotionally unstable she sees crows perched on objects that sometimes try to talk her. What they’re saying is indiscernible but it gives her some kind of clue as to what’s in the room

Her childhood has a big effect on her personality. Being told to shut up at a young age took it’s toll and now hearing her talk is rare. It may be part of the reason she’s such good friends with Louis

Marlon: Bipolar disorder

More often than not he’s angry or sad, and there is no in between. He has scars on his knuckles from all the punching he does to walls in his spare time. Marlon feels like it’s the only time he gets to blow off steam

Often yelling at people and apologizing five minutes later, rat man Marlon has a hard time getting a grip on his feelings. He tries to warn people about his disorder when he first meets them

Mitch: Dissociative identity disorder

While he doesn’t have a name for his second personality, but it has a soft spot for his fellow troubled youth. It’s defined by its increased sympathy and lack of aggression

Mitch’s other personality is often preferred by the more mentally delicate kids, including Violet and Tenn. While otherwise unapproachable by them, he still has a slight guilt for how vulnerable they are no matter what persona he takes on

Ruby: Alzheimer's/short-term memory loss

Ruby struggles to remember names, but she can remember faces pretty well. Try not to get offended if she never addresses you by name

She has forgotten people themselves before, even Violet, who is around in her life often. When she couldn’t remember Vi’s name she was a bit confused as to why Vi started tearing up

Tennessee: Post traumatic stress disorder

Tenn cowers in fear at the sight of flames. He could never get used to them after the explosion that left a portion of his face burnt

He can struggle to open up to people, especially if they have a love for fire. This makes for a rocky relationship with Mitch and Willy

Aasim: Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder

He has a hard time paying attention to other things once his book is opened. It sort of melts his ability to multitask, making it necessary to pull the book from his gaze and talk to him head-on

Aasim is always frustrated about his hyperfixations, but lately he’s been trying to be more laid-back about them. He thinks he might be getting better at remembering that the world still exists while he’s reading

Omar: Synesthesia

Omar considers his disorder a gift, and his cooking an art. Though others may not experience it, he tries to create sort of an art out of food, because he can “taste the rainbow,” as the cool kids call it nowadays

The reason he’s so picky about his food is the same reason an artist might be dissatisfied by their pieces. It can be hard to get everything exactly right. That may be why he wants to improve and become a famous chef one day

Brody: Generalized anxiety disorder

Ah, yes, nervous little Brody. Her Xanax tablets don’t stand a chance when she’s feeling awfully anxious about something... which is to say, she’s nervous about everything. She closed herself off in her room a while ago; the only people to visit her are Marlon and Violet, who have been her best friends ever since she showed up to the sanatorium

She once listened to Violet’s descriptions of the things she sees that nobody else does and immediately thought to herself that at least her disorder could be worse. She takes a great pity in Violet’s condition and is almost hyper-tuned in to her best friend’s emotions or thoughts

Willy: Autism

Often sort of let down by the staff of the hell these misfits call home, Willy has few friends to trust in. Mitch, James, and Violet or sort of like his parents. They’ve all contributed to making him a unique character that knows how to love and accept himself as he is

He has a surprising passion for knitting, and thinks it’s kind of similar to how Tenn draws and Omar cooks. It’s safe to say Willy learns by connecting dots. James and Violet find his thinking fascinating and have had a few conversations about it when they find it harder to sleep

Minerva & Sophie: Depression

Minerva is a dead giveaway when you first meet her- she’s not the best at hiding away her flaws when the staff come around to check on the kids they’re in charge of. She’s not suicidal, she just finds that happiness is hard to reach for and keep in your back pocket

Sophie’s a bit more of a surprise. As somebody with a bubbly pastel aesthetic nobody expects her dark personality and sad thoughts. She’s more aggressive than Minerva and is a bit more unhinged, but it hasn’t gone past mental breakdowns, so the staff aren’t doing much right now

James: Borderline personality disorder

James is similar to Violet in a variety of ways, the biggest one being that they share a disorder. However, while Violet will stay silent for periods of time, James feels hostile and wants to throat punch somebody

He sucks at controlling his impulses to just hurt something or something. It can be overwhelming and whenever James faces his disorder he goes to Charlie for comfort

Charlie:Attention deficit disorder, generalized anxiety disorder

While his disorder doesn’t seem as severe as Aasim’s, it’s important to know that Charlie still has trouble catching what people say and can sometimes completely miss the words coming out of somebody’s mouth. Try to be patient with him when he asks you to repeat what you said fifty times

Despite his self-confidence on the surface, Charlie has a number of insecurities on the way he acts alone. He is often trying to evaluate himself to discover what needs improvement and what needs tweaks

Behold. My children. The troubled youth of Ericson’s Sanatorium or whatever. I dunno, pick the name yourselves. I just wanna protect all these overgrown toddlers who need hugs.

[nicolasninenien]

Singaporean Paradigm

Statistically, Singapore’s education system has produced outputs of stellar academic results over the last few years, beating many illustrious international academic institutions. I must admit, the system is indeed an excellent one in providing a world-class education.

However, although it’s ranking in the international field is remarkably astounding, it comes with a heavy price upon those giving the end product. Not too long ago, I read an article about an 11 year old boy who committed suicide because he did not meet his parents’ academic expectation. This is indeed a tragic story; that young boy had a promising future ahead of him but it was taken away simply because of an ingrained culture that sweeps every Asian sub-conscience. Elitism 101.

The stress on excellent academic performance is crucial in Singapore. As such, this attitude spawned many ‘Tiger mums’ and ‘Lombardi dads’ to go crazy on their kids at a very young age, enrolling them to specialised tuition centres, music and art classes. In result, this emboldens the child’s capabilities and skill sets, enabling them to perform extremely well in schools. However, we must not neglect the silent few, the ones who can’t cope with such a system. Well, I was one of them.

I was a late bloomer. I was fascinated with cartoons and was rather mischievous in tuition classes (surprisingly, I was well-behaved in school though I do get punished in school at times). I was not interested in the Maths and sciences, I had no intention of even doing the assignments and homework given to me. I was a kid, I wanted to have fun playing with my friends. However, my parents reception to my behaviour was not well received. They placed me in many numerous classes, during the weekdays and the weekends. The tutors did their best but their efforts were futile, I still failed most of my subjects. As such, it really hit me and I thought that maybe I was dumb. I actually believed that I was stupid, incapable of thinking and logical rationalisation. In turn, my esteem was shattered pretty hard. When I was 12, I received my Primary School Leaving Examination (PSLE) results of 163. I still remembered the look on my mother’s face, a face I could not bear to see. A face that projected sheer disappointment and anguish.

The look on her face stirred my emotions quickly, without hesitation. I thought my life was over. “This was it, I’m such a loser”. Those kinds of sentiments rushed through my head, inside the wandering mind of a 12 year old kid. I felt lost and hopeless. However, that did not deter me. I gazed upon my mother’s face with a rousing determination: I made a bet with her. “I will enter the Express Stream”. She nodded without much enthusiasm.

As such, I entered secondary school with a drive to excel. I wasted no time with work. I wanted to be the best in all aspects, no matter what. Finally, at secondary 2, I was no longer in the Normal Academic Stream (NA). I was promoted to the Express Stream. It was glorious, a gamble I made that came true. I still remember the moment of elation when I received the news in the classroom. My efforts were not in vain.

Upper secondary came along, it was smooth sailing from the start. It seemed as though everything was in my favour, no obstacles, no barriers. As such, I was doomed from the start. My egoism mounted and my cynicism grew, I thought I could beat anyone in my class (or even the whole Express cohort). I wanted to prove what I was capable of, a former Normal Academic student. I wanted to beat them all. However, things came spiralling down. I was caught up with duties and responsibilities with my Co-Curricular Activities (CCA) in the Prefectorial Board and the National Cadet Corp (Land). I fought with my dear tuition teacher (Ms Yen) as I always made excuses for not accomplishing work given to me. I always feel guilty about that. Then one day, our amazing chemistry from lower secondary fell apart. I did not see her anymore. That’s where I made one of the greatest blunders in my whole academic life, I chose to join a class recommended by a friend of mine. That tutor, his name was Alvin Tan.

I came for his classes. He was so full of himself who talked about his academic achievements in the past, a braggart who manipulated feelings of his students to make them feel weak and useless, even to the extent of breaking friendships that altered and brewed tensions between former allies by creating unnecessary rivalry. I trusted him. He broke me to my very core. He told me I wasn’t suited for the A-level course. He was so wrong.

In the end, I got a raw score of 17 L1R5 for the GCE O-Levels and headed my way to Innova Junior College up north in Woodlands. I came with an idea of recreating myself, to forget the horrid past of Post O-Levels by establishing a wild and passionate persona. It did not go well. Well, things were easy at first. Then came along the real deal, the dreadful lectures and tutorials. Interestingly, as the months go by, my interests in the respective subjects that I was studying was reinforced while simultaneously dreading the work to be done. It was not a pleasant ride. I had a huge circle of friends at first which slowly deteriorated as the months go by. I fought with certain friends in the Student Council (not gonna state their names) and felt extremely vulnerable.

As such, the environment then felt very hostile as I felt alienated and isolated. I felt lonely, physically and emotionally. I was torn apart. Friends come and go, small talks here and there. Cliques everywhere. I felt as though I didn’t belong. What if Alvin Tan was right all along? Am I really not capable of conquering A-levels? Everything seemed so bleak, I did not have the answers. I mixed myself with a girl I thought I was in love with (dumped her in the end though, we were nothing much). It was all too much.

Until one special afternoon, a question that will forever change the course of my JC experience: “Nic, wanna go Wild Wild Wet with us?”. Everything blossomed, I got close with Asaad, Haziq and Ashleey (which at first seemed to unlikely) and they treated me like family. We laughed, we ate together, we played together, we studied together. Everything was doing just fine (well, not in the academic sense).

It was a long and winding road towards the A-levels, we (mostly Asaad and I) clocked in day in and day out in the library. Studying and mugging every concepts, notes, facts and abstract ideas for our essays. We were all sick and tired of failing (I received a rank point of 17 for Prelims) and we felt miserable. However, the company was great. Just the guys studying (sometimes productively) in the library towards one specific goal, conquering A-levels. That’s where we grew closer and stronger as we headed towards the final countdown.

This is where the story of my formal education ends. Well, you may ask how did I fair for the A-levels. I must say, not too good. I got a 60 Rank Point which was pretty average (though I couldn’t get into a local university). Believe me, A-levels was not easy. It was a suicidal course. However, I did took up the challenge where some may say I couldn’t do it (even Ms Yen doubted me). People may say that getting a 60 for 2 years of studying ain’t worthwhile. Well, I disagree. I’ve learnt so many things beyond the classroom. The notion of accountability and responsibility, the power of resilience and attitude, the will to smile through the times of hardships. I learnt that on my own. No teacher taught me that. Life was my teacher. It gave me a hard lesson these past few years in the Singaporean System.

I am eternally grateful to my teachers, those that were kind and patient, those that were brutally straight forward and honest, those that even question my very sanity. I thank them sincerely. Without them, I wouldn’t be typing this out. Throughout my academic life as a student in Singapore, I must say…

I was the victor and the victim. I had my moments of achievements and numerous failures. In these failures, I learnt the importance of humility because I know what it feels like being a complete loser. It sucks tremendously. It breaks your mind and soul, it leaves you in the dark begging for an answer to your perceived predicament. However, life itself is a dimension filled with endless possibilities. As long as you and I are still breathing, we can make the best out of our lives. As a kid, I thought failure was the end of the world. Everything felt like it was collapsing. Failure is an inevitable condition in the human experience. One must embrace it, one must remain calm and composed in the face of great adversities for life is a great big bubble of ambiguity. Our choices does not necessarily define you, it is what you do even when life seemed to be dead wrong. Respond difficulties with kindness and compassion for it shall be returned to the giver. What goes around what comes around.

Throughout this journey, I’ve met a lot of intelligent people. Oh, remembered the aforementioned 'Elitism 101’ nonsense? Well, there are those who were intelligent and there were those who mixed intelligence with blatant arrogance and disconcerting vanity. These people are those who belittle others, who mistreat them saying that they aren’t in the same level as them, in terms of intellectual capacity. Not the same level? That’s true. You know why? Intelligence is not solely got to do with numbers, concepts and statistics. There are different types of intelligence these elitist high horses need to comprehend. Schools test nothing about intelligence. They do not teach. They forgot to teach and thus we forgot to learn. We were instead forced to memorised in order to get an A for a damn certificate. People, don’t mix yourselves to these narrow-minded freaks. Don’t you dare say you’re stupid or whatsoever. You deserve everything in the world and what it has to offer, no one can tell you different. No one. Not even your parents, your siblings, your teachers and your friends. Intelligence and sheer memorisation, two different entities. Totally different things. You’re neither dumb nor stupid. You’re different and be yourself. Be original. Be you.

So, there you have it people, this is the Singaporean Paradigm, a perspective from a student and his great academic adventure from primary school to junior college, a great emotional rollercoaster that was worthwhile riding. It’s time to move along, to a next chapter of my life.

Thank you for everything, MOE

Sincerely, The Traumatised Teen