#but like. FUCKKKK THEY DID IT SO WELL. THIS IS ACTUALLY INSANE. they put so much care into mizuki as a character it's crazy

[otome-dissection]

Idk man I just think that mizu/ena5 and its progression was really beautiful actually. I just think that the release of the ena5 song was also really beautiful and kind of the nail in the coffin for me and I haven't been able to get the event(s) out of my head all week and that I kind of want to talk about it, actually.

It's about being hurt so deeply and continuously that any kindness that could be offered to you manages to feel like a sin, that it makes you crumble and shatter but for all the wrong reasons, not because of the newfound safety, not out of relief, but something worse and more deeply ingrained in you than kindness ever was. It's about carefully measuring the distance at which you keep others away from yourself, to ensure that it never happens again ("To save yourself the trouble", if that makes it easier).

It's about realizing that the people you've been spending all this time with are drifting closer, that they just might bump up against the unsightly parts of yourself that you've tried to keep locked away, it's about turning around and sprinting at full speed and slamming the door shut and holding onto the handle behind you to stop it from turning, because you're as frightened of the possibility of another wound being inflicted on you as you are of the possibility that kinder, gentler hands will reach out and smooth over the exposed scar. It's about hating eyes that judge and silently condemn you as much as you hate eyes that simply see you and take all of you in without scrutiny, because no matter what they're looking and they're looking at you and they know that your hand's on that door handle and they know that you're hiding something because, as much as you try to keep it shut, they've seen through the crack that you foolishly left open.

(The prominence of eyes in Bake no Hana, specifically eyes looking and searching, and finally landing on you, the viewer, Mizuki, is so fucking. Visceral in my opinion. Every character in the MV stares at the viewer in a deadpan, almost judging way. Even though Mizuki knows deep down that niigo won't really hate them, won't judge them, she just can't stand their kindness either; any gaze directed at her is a loss, another prick in their skin. It screams "don't look at me" while making sure that you know, with horrific certainty, that they're looking for you, that you're being watched. You can't go outside, can't leave your room, because they're searching for you, and while that should be reassuring, to you it's anything but).

It's about not wanting to be dissected, whether it's with hands that want to pull your organs apart or stitch them back together because no matter what they're there, and they're getting frighteningly close to your heart. It's about blinding yourself and covering your eyes to it all because seeing means exposure and exposure means they're taking something from you and you can't do anything about it, much less take it all back, much less have a say in the matter. Everyone's just taking and taking and taking and you wish you could just be alone. You wish everyone would just disappear and you could live in a world all to yourself, for only yourself (but is that really what you want?).

It's about the way that, near the beginning of the Yoka ni Mitoreta MV, Mizuki and her loneliness is represented as a dark, splotchy stain in the shadows. No colors, no patterns, no way to clean it or wash it all away, just raw ugliness marring a blank canvas. It's about the way that Ena reaches out to it anyway, the way she startles when the glass shatters just when she finally starts reaching forward, the way that the rest of the MV/song represents her searching for and reaching only further out to Mizuki, even if the broken shards of glass will only cut her fingers, potentially leaving scars.

It's about how, in every way, subtly, directly, consciously, and subconsciously, Ena shows that she fucking cares.

It's about the way that Ena lets Mizuki have autonomy, despite the situation being so horribly out of their control. And it's such a delicate thing: If she really wants to, Mizuki can take the opportunity to just run away, keep running forever, repeat the cycle over and over, and maybe she'll just destroy herself with it again, but it can't be denied that it's something important to them, something she can't quite live without just yet, their means of survival. Mizuki's autonomy is their identity, it's her tailoring her own clothes and choosing her own ribbons and styling her own hair the way she does. Ena letting them have that is as much about trust as it is about understanding that Mizuki of all people should have this right, when control was something stripped from her throughout so much of her life. She couldn't control how she was born, how people look at her or why, can't control what they think of her; lacking control has only left Mizuki vulnerable to the cruelties of others, has only caused them to suffer, which is why it's so important that it's given to them now.

She had the control to make the choice to see niigo's welcoming love and run away instead of staying, and she has the control to make the choice now whether she wants to keep things the way they are or take a step forward to be at their side again. She has every right to have it, and I think the fact that Ena realizes and respects that, even if it's subconsciously, is really beautiful (there is an entire fucking Verse about this in the new song and just. God Look at this. It's so caring, unconditional, and for fucking What. I think there is something to be said about how much Ena is willing to put aside for Mizuki, and maybe deep down it isn't healthy, but for now I'm just kind of in awe)

It's about how insanely patient Ena has been this whole time. Mizuki says that she basically lied to Ena's face about telling her their secret, even after Ena said with such conviction that she would wait for Mizuki as long as it takes, and Ena is just kept waiting and waiting and worrying like this seemingly indefinitely. It's about how Mizuki danced around it, avoided it, kept the distance, straight up ran when she was finally pushed, but Ena still chased anyway when she saw that she couldn't wait anymore, kept chasing just enough to intervene and get a straight answer out of Mizuki when she really needed to, but still leaving her enough space to leave if that was truly what she wanted. It's about how relieved Ena is the moment that Mizuki finally says outright how much they want to be with her and niigo, how much she wants to try, how much more light Ena's voice sounds when she grabs her hand, relieved, the way that the relief she feels can be felt through the music, throughout the entirety of Yoka ni Mitoreta, the way that warm colors always follow her when she chases after Mizuki, just to hold onto her and stop her from running away completely.

It's about how that careful combination of Ena's directness, Ena's persistence, Ena's warmth, her patience, her bluntness about her feelings, the way she chases and holds on but not too tight and her regard for how unsafe and exposed Mizuki feels actually works and breaks it all down. It's about how she really did reach through to Mizuki, despite the thorns and broken glass shards and nearly-unfulfilled promises, the way that Mizuki did finally let her turn the door handle and step through to see what she'd been hiding all this time, the way that Mizuki's hand, limp, when Ena first grabs onto it, shifts to hold hers back as they cry in the face of Ena's gentleness.

Despite how harsh Mizu/Ena5, and even Ena herself as a character can be (or at least was in the very beginning of pjsk), everything is somehow gentle and warm in the end, blindingly so. And you know what, I think that's beautiful. And what's even more beautiful than that is how Mizuki allows themself to crumble and shatter under that kindness, that warm light, but this time, finally, out of relief.

On a final note, I just want to say that I also appreciate how all that didn't have to solve everything. The scars haven't disappeared, haven't gone away, and Mizuki knows that their desire to run hasn't gone away forever, and maybe it never truly will. But for now they've calmed it, at least a little. She's learning to allow herself to be seen, learning that when someone's fingertips brush over their scars the way Ena's did that it's only out of care, and that maybe taking in that care and allowing herself to feel kindness and safety is okay. They're safe, for now, somehow. They're learning. They're trying. And I think that's cool :)

[burgatroyd]

week 6 thoughts!!!

here we go!

id like to start off by saying that shania twain was a horrible guest judge i cant. bring back julianne (or someone who can say their piece in under 10 minutes) this episode def started out slow for me but picked up pace as it went along thank god. and i really think that this week’s leaderboard is the one that most accurately reflects the contestants’ dancing abilities out of all the weeks thus far (besides maybe terrell being overscored) 

nikki and artem: oh my god i deadass forgot this dance happened 😬 this was...hmm i cant decide if i liked it. i think i did? i mean there were a few noticeable errors and awkward bits but i think overall i liked. i L O V E  their partnership though. love love love.

drew and emma: THIS WAS A MESS but i LOVED IT????? i have no idea why but emmas choreo was so high energy. drew kind of went a bit OTT though. i cant really get excited about him yet like i literalyl keep forgetting hes around which sucks bc i liked their dance last week and want queen emma to have a good season again. i’m sure theyll be fine though. 

nick and peta: highkey relieved they left. sorry peta youre still my ult fave pro i love you queen but this was getting tough to watch. nick and peta knew it was their time though. sucks they had to go out on such a low note with judges scores. i laughed at lindsay (and britt in the bg) heckling the judges.

victoria and val: this was....cute. memorable in that the theme of hockey was really incorporated well into the dance obviously. val is really the king of themed pasos lmao. but anyway i just find myself with not much to say liek i was kind of.. bored?? idk. im worried for her for next week i feel liek she could be in trouble :( shes still the cutest ever though

terrell and cheryl: I STANNNNNNN I STAN SO HARD.....LIKE LITERALLY I WAS SHOOOOOKKKKK. cheryl ABSOLUTELY DID THAT. terrell kept up. i am so excited about this bc tbh i was sad they got this song because i LOOOOOVVVEEE feel it still and portugal. the man so i was a lil bummed it went to this partnership because i havent been too excited by them so far (not in a negative way i was just neutral) but i LOVEDD....IM SO HAPPY. overscored??? definitely. did i care??? hell nope!

frankie and witney: alright...yikes. i literally feel like this was still somehow overscored like right out of a gate this was a mess. im so sad. i feel like this definitely wont hold them back bc frankie plays riiiigghhtt into the core demo but this is definitely going to be a blow to his ego. this was just like....it made me nervous to watch for some reason. :/

vanessa and maks: OKAY THAT WARDROBE MALFUNCTION RIGHT AT THE BEGINNING WAS SUCH A TOUGH BREAK but tbh she played it like a pro (i also loved that you could see maks like reassure her mid-dance. that was cute). this was such a good dance. i was kiiinddaa shocked len didnt call out lack of content or breaking hold, but i guess he really liked it so im not complaining. also their package was cute and i feel like it answered the question about their dynamic without outright saying anything which is good. im happy theyre back :) AND SAFE :D

jordan and lindsay: jordan is un fucking real. JUST UNREAL THERES NO OTHER WAY TO PUT IT hes such a good dancer. BUT....his personality is a bit much. like it was good to see him struggle, but it was literally him struggling becasue he’s too talented and an almost-olympic gymnast like ajknfjkafs. i need to see him frustrated. amazing dance though obviously. so happy they actually used ed’s version.

lindsey and mark: honestly..........mark is a fucking visionary. this was insane it was amazing and i knew lindsey would be good at ATs bc of the video with derek but wow. this almost felt like mark’s dance ft lindsey just based on how much his choreo was praised and how the package and dance revolved around him, and tbh bc of how much i love mark i am f i n e with that. its what he deserves. perfect 40 is what they deserved. im THRILLED. finally. also that last lift...holy shit??? that girl is flexible as fuckkkk

team dance guesses (and also my hopes tbh. i hope its not just boys v girls, thats so boring)

lindsey and mark: vanessa and maks, vic and val, terrell and cheryl

jordan and lindsay: frankie and wit, nikki and artem, drew and emma