#but like when everyone would serve and try to hit the bittle

[causenessus]

Ness did you know this exist

NO but omg THANK U FOR TELLING ME IT EXISTS !! just one more thing to add to my list of things to buy when i get rich </3

[alphacrone]

Hmmm zimmbits camping would be cute!! Also good luck with your gastric situation :)

thank you! and i apologize, this started as a camping fic and quickly turned into a Summer Camp AU – i hope it’s close enough to what you prompted! :)

(on ao3)

Bitty watched fondly from his perch on the dock as Jack blew his whistle. Again.

“Only two people on the Blob!” He barked, pointing at the four B-Compound boys who had turned the yellow, inflatable monstrosity that was the Blob into their own WWE arena. “All of you — ten minutes on the dock. Blob privileges revoked for the day.”

The four boys chorused their protests, but this late into term no one bothered to argue with Jack when he was in lifeguard mode. The first few weeks spent down at Lake Faber, Bitty had thought Jack was an unnecessarily grouchy and strict lifeguard. But after he’d been assigned the ropes course for a few rotations, Bitty realized something incredibly important: children were kind of dumb and excelled at endangering themselves and others.

Now Bitty found Jack’s lakeside tyranny endearing. Technically this was Bitty’s free period, when he should have been enjoying the meager A/C of the offices or using the ancient staff computer to check Twitter, but lately Bitty had found himself drifting down to the lake after finishing his morning Arts and Crafts shifts. He told himself it was because Lardo often joined him for sunbathing and gossiping, but he and Lardo both knew it was because a certain lifeguard tended not to wear a shirt while on duty.

(Shitty didn’t either, and Bitty was beginning to suspect that was the reason Lardo joined him in the first place.)

“Did you hear about Holster and Esther?” Lardo asked, doodling on Bitty’s back with sunscreen.

“No,” Bitty said, not bothering to look back at her. Jack was currently leaning over to say something to a group of girls in the water and Bitty’s view was fantastic. “What happened? Did they finally hate bang?”

Lardo snorted. “You can say fuck, dude, none of the campers can hear us.”

Bitty made a noncommittal noise. A small part of him still felt that his mama would know if he dropped the f-bomb, even from hundreds of miles away.

“Anyway,” Lardo continued, her doodling turning into soft little scratches at the back of Bitty’s neck, just the way he loved it. He sighed in contentment as she continued, “Not only did they hate-fuck in the mess hall-” Bitty gasped, appalled. “-yeah, I know, gross. But they also were holding hands at flagpole this morning.”

Bitty abandoned his view of Jack to turn around to look at Lardo. “Seriously? They can’t even stand to be in the same room together, and now they’re- what, dating?”

Lardo shrugged, her grin half glee, half incredulity. “Ransom’s been pissy all morning.”

“But he’s been hooking up with March,” Bitty said, sitting up. “Lord, straight boys are so confusing.”

“Speak of the Devil,” Lardo muttered, and suddenly something large and dripping with water was blocking Bitty’s sunlight.

“Bits! Lards!” Shitty shouted, plopping down next to them. Technically he was also on lifeguard duty, but Shitty took a more…hands on approach than Jack, and usually ended his shifts soaking wet and carrying at least three giggling children. “The kids wanna see a chicken fight.”

Lardo raised an eyebrow, looking cool and impassive in her large, dark sunglasses. “Good for them?”

“Nah, brahs,” Shitty — or Shaggy, as the campers called him — said. “The kids wanna see a counselor chicken fight.”

Lardo folded her arms across her chest. “It’s my free period. Make Ollie and Wicks do it, they’re on canoe duty.”

“But Lards,” Shitty pleaded. “We would totally kick Bits’ and Jack’s asses.”

“Is that a challenge?”

All three of them looked up to see Jack standing a few feet away, eyes still trained on the kids in the water.

“Zimmermann, you beaut!” Shitty shouted. “C’mon Lardo, Bits, please?”

And that was how Bitty found himself balanced on Jack Zimmermann’s shoulders, standing in the shallow edge of the lake as all the kids cheered from the dock. He couldn’t be sure, but Bitty was almost certain he saw a few of them taking bets.

Being on Jack’s team for chicken was…distracting to say the least. Bitty was all too aware that his groin was pressed right up against the back of Jack’s head, thighs gripping tightly at his neck. It was the bastardization of a position he’d imagined himself in countless times, but somehow fewer clothes were involved now than they had been in his fantasies. The universe — or possible Shitty — was trying to kill him.

At least Lardo was in the same boat, though she was clearly handling it with more poise than Bitty. Shitty, on the other hand, could barely contain his glee and the fact that he’d probably dreamt of dying with Lardo’s thighs wrapped around his head.

“Hang on tight, Bittle,” Jack murmured, patting Bitty’s knee. “Lardo fights dirty.”

Against his own will, Bitty’s thighs tightened around Jack’s neck. “Try not to drown me,” Bitty said. “I’ve got a Wilderness Skills shift after this.”

“I’ve got your back, Bittle,” Jack said, squeezing his ankle. It made Bitty feel marginally better.

It was then that Shitty and Lardo charged forward, Shitty hollering out some approximation of the Xena, Warrior Princess battle cry. Lardo immediately went for Jack’s ears, tugging on them sharply. Bitty gasped and splashed water in her eyes, but missed and got Shitty instead.

Lardo laughed and shouted, “You’ve blinded my steed! You’ll pay for that, Bittle!”

Bitty laughed and caught her arms as she lunged at him. “You tried to maim mine! Fair’s fair, Lards.”

She scowled at him, then grinned, pulling from his grasp and jabbing him in the ribs. Bitty lurched sideways, falling off Jack’s shoulders and crashing face-first into the water.

The cold of the lake hit Bitty harder than he’d expected, and the wind was knocked from his lungs. He somersaulted downwards, disoriented, unable to determine where the surface of the water was. Everything was dark and cold and distorted by bubbles and lake weeds for a moment, then Bitty was hauled to the surface by two large, warm arms.

“Bittle, are you okay?” Jack asked, hoisting him onto the dock. “Can you breathe?”

Bitty sucked in air, then coughed raggedly as water rushed down the wrong pipe. “M’fine,” he choked out. “Hit- hit the water- hard- totally fine.”

“Is he okay?” Shitty asked. Jack nodded, hand resting on Bitty’s knee. “Cool!” Shitty shouted. “We win!”

As Shitty and Lardo began a victory lap around the shallow part of the lake, Bitty managed to stop coughing long enough to whisper to Jack, “They’ll never see you coming.”

Jack laughed and winked at Bitty, then dove to tackle Shitty into the water, sending Lardo flying. The kids on the dock cheered, screaming in delight as Jack surfaced with Shitty hoisted across his shoulders. Lardo popped up a second later, grinning at the boys, and swam over to pull herself up next to Bitty.

“Have you ever seen anything more attractive?” She asked him, shaking the water from her hair. “Like. Holy fuck, dude.”

“I hear ya,” Bitty sighed. “It’s like the good Lord himself is tryin’ to murder me.”

“Completely unfair,” Lardo said. “At least you’re pining for the hot one. My brain has to go and lust after the weirdo with the porn ‘stache.”

Bitty laughed and knocked his shoulder against hers. “I do worry about your tastes, Lardo. But you know Shits is gone on you, right?”

“Maybe,” Lardo said, slipping on her sunglasses again. “But he acts like that with everyone.”

Bitty snorted; they’d had this conversation a thousand times. “Sure, but he only looks at you like you hung the moon.” Lardo sighed and looked away. “Okay, okay, I’ll drop it. But I’m telling you, if you went up to him right now and kissed him, I guarantee Shitty would either kiss you back or pass out from excitement.”

“I heard they’re having chicken tenders in the mess hall tonight,” Lardo said loudly. Bitty was taken aback for a moment, then realized that Jack — with Shitty still on his shoulders — was fast approaching.

“Really?” Jack asked, grinning. “‘Swawesome.”

“Again?” Shitty groaned. “Is that all they bought for this term? I swear we have them every other meal.”

Bitty laughed as Shitty was unceremoniously dumped onto the dock. “Maybe Jack bribed Work Crew to keep serving them.”

Jack grinned at him. “Maybe I did.”

The bell to signify the end of the period rang over the ancient loudspeakers, and Bitty and Lardo stood reluctantly.

“Bye, y’all,” Bitty said. “Come sit with our cabins at campfire tonight.”

“Duh,” Shitty said. “My boys love your boys. If we join forces with Lardo’s girls, we could probably set fire to half of Samwell.”

“Or,” Jack said, going back into counselor mode as the kids dutifully lined up to get their ear drops. “We could just roast marshmallows and tell ghost stories like everyone else.”

Shitty shook his head in disgust. “Only you, Jacques Laurent, could make roasting marshmallows into some buzzkill-y.”

“Bye, losers,” Lardo said, looping her arm through Bitty’s. “We’ve gotta teach some small humans how to make friendship bracelets. If you’re lucky, we’ll bring you our rejects.”

Shitty grinned at her with hearts in his eyes. “I will gladly accept your ugliest and most deformed friendship bracelets, Lards, as long as they’re made with love.”

The very tips of Lardo’s ears went pink — the only signifier that she was shaken by Shitty’s flirting. “Maybe. No promises.”

Jack waved to Bitty with his elbow, hurriedly trying to get eardrops distributed to all the campers. “Make me something red, Bittle,” he said, and Bitty knew he was absolutely, truly fucked.

“Sure, Jack,” he said. “Anything you want.”

At campfire that night, Jack and Shitty’s campers came over to sit with Bitty and Chowder’s campers and the girls of Lardo and Camilla’s cabin. Shitty was wearing about twelve friendship bracelets on both arms, each uglier than the last, and Jack was very proudly sporting a thin, red thing that Bitty had spent far too much time on.

At the fire next to them, Bitty could see Ransom glaring daggers at Holster and Esther, and Nursey and Dex bickering about burnt marshmallows, and Caitlin Farmer desperately trying to catch Chowder’s attention.

Bitty smiled softly, knowing he could help at least one person in that group. He nudged Chowder gently and whispered, “Caitlin’s checking you out.”

“What?!” Chowder all but shouted. “She is?!”

Bitty grinned at Chowder fondly. “Go say hi. I’ll be fine with the boys.”

“Thanks, Bitty,” Chowder said almost shyly. “Was she really checking me out? I really like Farmer, Bitty, she’s so cool! She’s studying marine biology and knows about hockey and I really like her and I don’t want to ruin our friendship but I really really like her-”

“Sugar, breathe,” Bitty said, holding up a hand. “That poor girl had been trying to get your attention since we got here. Go put her out of her misery. I’m thinking she really really likes you, too.”

The smile Chowder gave him was blinding, and then he was off to the next fire pit, almost knocking Caitlin off her log in his excitement to say hi. Bitty laughed to himself, grinning when Caitlin gave him a grateful nod.

“Oooooooh!”

The boys had gathered around Bitty, also watching Chowder and Farmer. There were only eight of them and they were all in their tweens, but Bitty’s campers were exhausting. “Chowder’s got a girlfriend! Chowder’s got a girlfriend!” They sang.

“Shh, let him have this,” Bitty said, shooing the boys away. “Chirp him in the morning.”

Unfortunately — and this was something Bitty should’ve learned long ago — derailing the campers from one topic only led to him becoming the new target.

“Do you have a girlfriend, Bitty?”

“Is Lardo your girlfriend?”

“What about Camilla? She’s super hot.”

Bitty couldn’t help but laugh. He busied himself with putting a new marshmallow on his stick, then said, “No, I don’t have a girlfriend. Lardo’s just a friend. Yes, Camilla is very beautiful, I agree.” He glanced over to where both Lardo and Camilla were double-teaming a ghost story for their campers, sound effects and all. He didn’t think they could hear him.

One of his campers, Caleb, narrowed his eyes at this. “But Lardo was, like, all over you at Faber today. You should ask her out if she’s not already your girlfriend.”

A few feet away, Shitty had an amused look on his face that told Bitty there would be no lectures on heteronormativity to save him tonight.

Well, two could play at that game.

“Oh, I don’t think Lardo’s interested in me,” Bitty said casually. “She has her sights set on someone a little…taller.”

The boys laughed at this, and Shitty visibly perked up.

“Does Lardo have a crush on someone?”

“Bitty, you gotta fight him! Or grow more.”

“Guys, who put poison ivy in my s’more? Jackholes.”

Bitty sighed. “Eating poison ivy isn’t funny, boys, you could kill someone like that. And don’t say jackholes.”

“But you just said it-”

They fell silent when Bitty gave them his sternest glare, the one he’d learned from watching Moomaw run Sunday School back home. There was an awkward chorus of apologies, another (brief) silence, and then Xiaosong asked, “So who does Lardo like like?”

There was a muffled screech of laughter as Camilla slapped both hands over her mouth. The girls had finished their ghost story, and now everyone around the fire seemed invested in Bitty’s conversation.

“Yeah, Lardo,” one of the girls — Ceci — said. “Who do you like like? Is it Bitty?”

“No way, did you see her and Ransom at the stables yesterday-?”

“-Lardo and Chowder, sittin’ in a tree-”

“Alright, alright,” Lardo said, standing. There was something mischievous in her eyes, and Bitty couldn’t help but grin. “I do like someone. And he’s sitting at this campfire.”

The kids shrieked. Shitty looked like he might pass out.

Slowly, dramatically, Lardo walked around the fire, until she stood in front of Jack and Shitty. Jack looked like he wanted to give them space, but then Lardo was in his lap, sprawled out theatrically in a swoon.

“I’m afraid I’ve been pining for Jack this entire time,” she declared, waving an arm to the heavens. Jack was smirking now, wrapping his arms around her waist to keep her from falling off his lap. Shitty looked utterly lost.

The kids giggled nervously until Jack said, in his dullest monotone, “You know my heart belongs only to you, Lards.”

And then he kissed her on the cheek, loud and wet.

The kids screamed like a masked man had just jumped out of the woods. Bitty knew how they felt.

“Alright, nuggets,” Lardo said, clapping her hands together and sliding off of Jack’s lap without preamble. “Lights out is in ten minutes, let’s get a move on.”

Low enough that only Shitty and Bitty could hear, Jack murmured, “But how can we be parted so soon?”

Lardo snorted loudly and punched Jack’s shoulder. “I think you’ll manage.”

“Night, y’all,” Bitty said, waving at the others. He couldn’t help but notice how quiet Shitty was being, or the intense look he was sharing with Lardo. Jack caught his eye and shrugged, waving goodnight. Bitty grinned, very much looking forward to the deets he’d be demanding from Lardo in the morning.

When Bitty got back to the cabin, eight sugar-crashed campers in tow, he felt like he could pass out as soon as he hit his pillow. But then Chowder came in as the boys were crawling into their bunks and Bitty was brushing his teeth, bouncing and grinning like he’d just won the lottery.

“Bitty, Caitlin’s my girlfriend!” Chowder exclaimed as he joined Bitty at the small, nasty sink. “I’m so happy! I asked and she said yes!”

Bitty paused in his brushing to pat Chowder on the shoulder. “Congrats, sugar,” he said, spitting the toothpaste down the drain. “She’s a very lucky girl.”

“Please,” Chowder scoffed. “I’m the lucky one! Cait’s the coolest. Did you know she plays Volleyball for her school? Varsity team.”

“That’s great, sweetheart,” Bitty said, rinsing off his toothbrush. “I’m really happy for y’all.”

Chowder grinned at him. “This is the best feeling in the world, Bitty. Liking Cait and knowing she likes me back and finally getting to kiss her! It’s so great! I think this is the happiest I’ve ever been!”

Given Chowder’s sunshiny disposition, that last statement was probably debatable, but Bitty pulled him into a tight hug regardless. “That’s great, Chowder. Cait’s great. Y’all are very cute together.”

“Thanks, Bits,” Chowder saying, pulling back. “Gosh, I don’t know if I’ll be able to sleep, I’m so excited!”

Bitty laughed and went back to his nighttime routine as Chowder wandered back into the cabin to check on the campers. When Bitty joined him a few minutes later, Chowder was already passed out in his bunk, right on top of the covers. Bitty shook his head fondly and turned off the lights, one minute until the 11 PM curfew. Then, he slipped out the door, hoping none of the boys wondered where he was going.

As he stood outside, breathing in the muggy, summer air, Bitty caught sight of a figure perched on the steps of Jack and Shitty’s cabin. Drawing closer, Bitty saw it was Jack, who was leaned back to watch the stars. He noticed when Bitty approached and waved.

“What’re you doing up?” Bitty whispered, sitting down on the step next to Jack.

“Couldn’t sleep. You?”

Bitty shrugged. “Just thinking about something Chowder said.”

The stars above them were thick and bright, in a way that Bitty had never seen. Light pollution hadn’t been too big a problem in Madison, but Camp Samwell was the most isolated place Bitty had ever been and the night sky never failed to take his breath away. Sometimes, in moments like this, he wished he could live at Samwell forever.

“Yeah?” Jack was giving him a strange look, curiosity mixed with something unreadable. Bitty felt his face burn on its own accord. “What was that?”

“Oh, um.” Bitty chewed on his bottom lip, feeling a bit shy. “He said- well, I don’t know if you saw, but Caitlin kissed him at campfire tonight. And when we were getting ready for bed, he said that there was no feeling in the world that could beat the happiness of knowing someone likes you as much as you like them.”

Jack nodded, making an understanding noise in the back of his throat. “Yeah, I…that sounds nice.”

“Yeah,” Bitty sighed, training his gaze on the stars again. “I wouldn’t know.”

“Really?” Jack sounded genuinely surprised, which made Bitty’s heart flutter with nerves. “You…back home?”

“I’m not really out to anyone but my college friends,” Bitty admitted with a small shrug. “And…no. No one’s ever been interested in me before.”

Jack’s reply was immediate. “That’s not true.”

“Oh, trust me,” Bitty said, a bit bitterly. “I’m not the most desirable person, I know. No one’s ever wanted to date me.”

Jack frowned at him. “That’s not true,” he repeated. “Trust me.”

And- oh. Bitty felt the air hiss from his lungs, blood drain from his fingertips and rush to his wildly beating heart. “Um…wait. Really?”

Jack ducked his head and even in the dark Bitty could see the flush on his cheeks. It was adorable. “Yeah, really,” he admitted, sounding embarrassed and resigned, like he’d just been forced to spill his deepest secret. And in a way…

Bitty stopped thinking after that. Instead, he grabbed Jack by the front of his sleep-shirt and pulled him in for a kiss, chaste but forceful, as if he could convey everything he’d ever felt for Jack with just his lips.

Then Jack opened his mouth and Bitty found himself pushed back against the top step, one large hand at his ribs, the other gently cupping his cheek. Jack nipped at his lips, teeth clacking, then pulled back, resting his forehead against Bitty’s.

Chowder had been right. Bitty tingled head to toe with the knowledge that Jack liked him, Jack kissed him back and wanted to date him. It was like fireworks were going off overhead and every cheesy love song he’d ever heard on 94.9 was playing on max volume. He could die happy in this moment, with Jack gazing adoringly at him with soft, blue eyes.

“This is a pretty nice feeling,” Jack said, grinning goofily. He traced Bitty’s cheekbone with a calloused finger, trailing down to Bitty’s mouth. “I can think of a few things that would feel nicer.”

Bitty swatted at Jack’s chest, squawking a little in surprise. “Mr. Zimmermann, we are not hooking up right outside where our campers are sleeping.”

Jack’s blush darkened, but his grin didn’t falter. “I didn’t mean that, though I have it on good authority the mess hall is a great place-” He cut himself off laughing at the look of horror on Bitty’s face. “I just meant…being with you. Kissing you more. Holding your hand at flagpole.”

Bitty pulled Jack back in for another kiss, hands snaking up Jack’s deliciously muscled chest. Then he was hoisted into Jack’s lap, elevated just enough to adjust the kiss into something more comfortable. Bitty followed Jack’s lead, nibbling at his lips and sucking the tip of his tongue. Things were quickly getting hotter, wetter, and a familiar heat was building low in Bitty’s abdomen.

“Wait,” he breathed, pushing back a little. The dismayed noises Jack made was so utterly endearing that Bitty almost forgot why he stopped. “Jack, if you don’t plan on ravaging me in the Arts ‘n Crafts shed, you better stop kissin’ me like that.”

Jack’s eyes darkened and his smile widened. “You know, no one goes down to Faber this time of night…”

Bitty scowled at him. “If you think you can get me in that water after dark, you got another thing coming, mister.”

Jack laughed, soft and low, and ducked his head to press his lips to Bitty’s pulsepoint. Then Bitty felt tongue on his skin, then teeth, then a sweet, wet tug as Jack sucked on his neck. It sent a trembling warmth down his spine, and Bitty all but moaned on the steps of the cabin.

Spurred on by Bitty’s quiet whimpering, Jack’s bites quickly grew harder, his sucking longer and more intense. Bitty knew there would be marks — embarrassing, obvious marks — on his neck in the morning, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. He was half-hard in his favorite blue shorts and the boy he like was giving his the first — and best — hickey of his life, hands firmly planted on his ass.

“Jack,” Bitty said sharply. “If you don’t take me to the Arts n’ Crafts shed right now-”

He didn’t even have a chance to finish his threat as he was slung over Jack’s shoulder. His shriek probably woke up half of E-Compound, but the realization that he was now eye-level with the greatest ass at Samwell kept him from caring too much.

Jack yelped in a slightly less embarrassing way when Bitty reached out to pat his ass. “Bittle,” he hissed, laugh evident in his voice. “What are you-?”

“Act like a caveman, get groped like a caveman,” Bitty retorted, making Jack laugh loud and deep.

“C’mon, I believe you and I have a date with a shed that reeks of Elmer’s Glue and bugspray.”

Bitty huffed. “Better than sunscreen and pondscum.”

“Changed my mind,” Jack said. “I’m throwing you in Faber instead.”

“Hey, I nearly drowned this morning,” Bitty said dramatically. “I deserve to have my way with you in the crafts shed.”

“Well, if you insist,” Jack said.

“I do,” Bitty said primly.

As it turned out, the Arts ‘n Crafts shed was already occupied by Shitty and Lardo, a sight which would haunt Bitty until his dying day. But, in the end, the docks turned out to be very romantic.

When Bitty came to flagpole the next morning with hickies on his neck and a sleepy Jack Zimmermann draped against his shoulders, Bitty was forced to endure the screaming and chirping of not only his entire cabin, but of half the counselors as well. Shitty cried a little, and Lardo told Jack — in her best impression of his monotone — that she would never recover from his betrayal.

“You’re coming down to the lake on your off period today, right?” Jack asked as their cabins walked to the mess hall for breakfast.

Bitty shrugged, biting back a smile. “I don’t know, I was thinking of ogling boys at the archery range — did you know Holster wears sleeveless shirts when he teaches archery? He says it’s because the sleeves get in the way, but we all know it’s so he can show off his guns. Which, really, are very impre-”

Jack cut him off with a kiss and a knowing look. “So, Faber?”

Bitty melted against Jack’s side, too giddy to keep teasing his boyfriend. “You know you’re the only one I want to objectify. Are you wearing the blue swim trunks?”

Jack flushed a little, a pleased smile spreading across his face. “I am now. You like those?”

Bitty nodded. “They’re tighter. And they bring out your eyes.”

Jack kissed him once more as they parted to join their own cabins for breakfast. “See you later, Bits,” he said softly.

“Later,” Bitty said, watching fondly as Jack walked away.

On his wrist, a small, red friendship bracelet hung proudly. Bitty grinned and turned to join his own cabin, who all looked fit to burst with chirps for both him and Chowder. Chowder cast him a gleeful look, and together they faced down their horde of campers and the terrible, hilarious chirps that they’d spent all morning devising.