#but like i dont care about anything that man says so respectfully i am pretending i do not see it

[a-menaceinpink]

Tales of the Jedi, Episode 1: Life and Death

Hello Hello Hello!! Jumping around a little bit to go as much in order as possible, we are back with the first episode of Tales of the Jedi, Life and Death. We get my girl Ahsoka back plus some cool looks into Togruta culture. Without further ado, let’s dive in!

As per usual, general plot summary: We are witnessing Ahsoka’s birth and then a tradition/ritual after her first birthday with her mother in the woods, which allows young Togruta to come face to face with the cycle of death and life in the universe. Ahsoka gets snatched by a hungry space tiger in the process but because she’s force sensitive, she’s able to ask the creature to get her back home safely, revealing her abilities to her village in the process.

This review isn’t gonna focus so heavily on characterization because Ahsoka is literally a year old here, but I never pass up an opportunity to talk worldbuilding!

If y’all were watching this episode with me, we would likely have a problem due to the fact that I spent the entire time asking questions and making comments like:

What’s the growth rate of Togruta? Is it comparable to humans?

I love the attention to detail wrt to the different tendril and face patterns of Togruta

They really value the sanctity of life and balancing survival with respecting what you actually need from the earth

Every day I miss @/miss-kirby and her Togruta!Anakin AU on this site (no seriously, go look up some of the fanart, it is sick as FUCK)

Did Filoni legitimately just make this Togruta village space India? (e.g. heavily forested area, the names of some of the characters, a tiger in the woods, etc)

Anyway, despite Ahsoka probably not remembering ANY of this (if we’re following human growth rates, people statistically are not able to remember thing from before the age of three, which is when she’s discovered by and accepted into the Jedi order) the episode is clearly meant to show the cultural understanding that informs the way Ahsoka behaves when she’s older. Having a deep empathy for life, understanding the circle of life and death, “you must face death and not fear it”, etc. The last quote actually made me think of how Ahsoka is reckless to the point of stupidity when she first achieves the rank of Padawan.

Episode also made me lowkey sad though, because the idea that Ahsoka is someone who has never feared and always been able to tame that which is dangerous to her just made me think of her and Anakin :( that’s just how she reacts to her older brother :( 

Anyway next up on the watchlist is Episode 1, but it’s probably gonna be a little bit until I get to it and have the time to actually write up my thoughts, especially since it makes me so angry lol

[mousehole5000]

tgcf again chapters 174-191. im now midway through book 4. pain and suffering. and yet also.... this is really good.... but also.... pain...

okay cave of ten thousand gods everythings coming out into the light.... xie lian pretending not to hear fengqing drop their act im emotional..... fengqing silently working together to separate xie lian and hua cheng im emotional..... every word that comes out of mu qing’s mouth im emotional....

honestly reading the xianle trio discussing hua cheng.. its very hard for me NOT to project all the times ive been in a friendship trio and someone got a boyfriend the other two didnt like (which was every time. theres never been a bf everyone liked. sometimes i was the one who had the bf. there were no winners then and tbh i predict there will be no real winners here as far as this friendship goes but such is life)

mu qing is so smart he’s clever he’s tricksy i love it i love him ugh

“A pair of arms had circled around him from behind, and hugged him with force all of a sudden. Xie Lian had buried his face in his back, and also didn’t speak. Though nothing was said, it was enough.” okay i cant get into every different way im feeling about whats going down bc it would get Too Personal but this..... im emo. also xie lian saying “something like this has to be said clearly“ and then proceeding to not say a word just going in for a hug is a mood

“He heard Hua Cheng’s staggering voice coming from above. “...Your Highness. You really…will be the death of me.” - ok well DONT SAY THAT!! now im worried!!!

“Hua Cheng, however, only snorted, appearing as if his eyes could see through the thick rocky walls. He said darkly, “Don’t worry. If he kills one, I’ll make ten more. Fast and furious like the storms, I will never back down. Let’s see who’s the one left standing in the end.” Xie Lian’s heart skipped a beat for some reason, and he mumbled inwardly, “... Oh no, this is bad.” Even though Hua Cheng’s expression was subconsciously displayed, Xie Lian really was quite weak to this aggressive and rebellious confidence of his.” - fjadskfajsl its okay xie lian honey you never know whats going to do it for you

okay so are the murals and statues are only from the xianle era? im hoping hua cheng didnt secretly follow xie lian during his time as a mortal during the entire 800 years and then pretend to a total stranger that would be too much imo lets see. i still really do get why feng xin and mu qing are like “...dude wtf lets get out of here stay away from that guy” (also tbh probably if theyd all managed to stay close... this probably wouldnt be happening which isnt a judgement im just saying bc thats definitely how ive felt about friendships) although this whole thing IS indeed tinged with homophobia which i still dont think makes sense in this setting but whatever i guess.

BOOK 4!!!! im scared

“A few days ago he nearly fainted, and it was only after that did he realize it was because he hadn’t had anything to eat for several days.” - unfortunately relatable but :(

“Ever since Xie Lian was young, he had never had to consider these kinds of affairs, and this was truly the first time in decades that this problem gripped him. However, if gods didn’t even know what starvation felt like, how could they possibly understand the feelings of a starving worshipper? How could they possibly empathize? At this point, he could only take this experience as a form of training.” - TRUE THO!!!!!!!! i like seeing this even tho the circumstances are sad

wait does xie lian get his bad cooking skills from him mom? im gonna cry...

“After returning to the city, Mu Qing’s stomach was still turning. He said as he stumbled, “I thought…that porridge, it smelled like bran water, but I hadn’t thought it’d taste like it too!” Feng Xin gritted his teeth. “Shut up! Don’t force people to remember that pot of stuff! The queen is…body of ten thousand gold after all…never cooked…this is already…UGH!…” Mu Qing humphed. “Did I say something wrong? If you didn’t think it was like bran water, why don’t you…go ask the queen to grant you another bowl! UGH!…” The two were heaving back and forth, and Xie Lian grabbed hold of the both of them, patting their backs.” - xianle trio.... including simply because it made me do the pleading emoji in real life..... also the way the queen wanted to feed all of them... weeping

i didnt realize that mu qing would still be around during this time.... god the fact that i know theyre all going to split......

“It’s precisely because it’s a time like this that money has to be brought up!” Mu Qing countered. “A time like this? What time is it? Time when we’re starving! It doesn’t matter if you don’t want to admit it, but nothing can be done without money! Can you both not just suck it up a little bit?” - mu qing i love you. god.... for real the fact that he comes from a completely different background than the other two is so important to his character and i think it shows so much in the way he continues to be in the present. he gives me the vibe of someone who is smart and hardworking but is bitter about it and tbh!!!! i get why he is!!! he’s very aware of these kinds of concerns bc he’s had to be, while the other two kind of think theyre above it and its a big difference between them. he’s still separated by the circumstances of his birth despite how much harder he’s worked to get to where he is.... ugh painful and delicious

i really am enjoying the xianle story tbh. xie lian going from his highness, favored by heaven, well-intentioned but lacking in experience and understanding to living in poverty and fighting with mortals who disrespect him. fucking delicious i mean this sincerely and respectfully im sad but i really like his character arc. and then to how he is in the present....

“Mu Qing looked at him, speaking not a word. Then he bowed deeply and really turned around to walk away.” - OH NO ITS HAPPENING AHHHHH ;_; honestly all of this hurts but it feels real like i think mu qing has every right to want to leave honestly and he DOES have other family and other ambitions outside of the trio... and i get why feng xin is mad about him wanting to leave when theyre suffering!! and i get why xie lian lets him go.... friendships are hard man and the pain of them splitting is rough!!!!

“Mu Qing’s departure had really shocked him to the core. First, he had never thought that someone so close would just up and leave. Second, Xie Lian had always believed in “forever”. For example, friends would always be friends forever; no betrayal, no deception, no breaking up. Perhaps there’d be times when they’d part, but it for sure wouldn’t be over reasons like “life is too horrible” - pain. just pain. same as above i get it but it hurts

“Xie Lian didn’t know too well just how much money would be considered normal when buying over ten lanterns, and he never looked at the price tag when he purchased things in the past.” - i feel bad kicking him while he’s down and he’s still trying to be kind even when it costs him but this is the first thing that came into my mind

but also oh?? spirits of soldiers from the battlefield you say?? hmmm i wonder... who.... could possibly be among them....

“If you remain forcibly, you won’t be able to rest in peace,” Xie Lian said. The nameless ghost didn’t seem to care. “I pray to never rest in peace.” -  i cant lie this legit gave me goosebumps lol

“Xie Lian himself was alright in suffering through it, since there were far too many other things to worry about. But his mother, who had lived a comfortable, luxurious life, when had she ever done such crude labour? But if the queen didn’t do this work herself, who else could take over?” - hmmmm!!! housekeeping!!!! it matters!!!! rich people dont appreciate how much until they have to do it themselves!!! but this still makes me sad

oh god THATS when they pawned hongjing?? with the king sick and mu qing leaving?? :(((( even more emotional about its appearances in the present day

“That passerby chuckled. “You don’t know? This is too exciting! The servant is beating the master!” - oh god the dramatic and ironic timing of it all

god..... this is just... a sad time....

“MU QING ISN’T LIKE YOU ALL. HE’S MY FRIEND, HE WOULD NEVER HELP YOU!!!” [cut to] “Those were the only words echoing in Xie Lian’s mind, but he couldn’t utter a single sound, and could only crazily grab at anything at his disposal to throw. He didn’t care who he was hurling at, either. Finally, Mu Qing couldn’t take this anymore, and he steeled his face as he swept his sleeves and left. Xie Lian panted harshly for a bit and fell back down, spacing out again.”- IM SAD!!!!!! tbh i wonder if on some level xie lian kind of felt like mu qing owed him? i know he said to forget about that stuff to both of them but its one thinig to say it and think you mean it and another to have to deal with it

white no-face what is your DEAL!! also all the little fire ghost bits im...

“After having exchanged so many words, Feng Xin finally got the gist of what had transpired. He widened his eyes and pointed at Mu Qing, unable to speak. A moment later, he bent down and grabbed a sack and flung it over, roaring. “SCRAM! SCRAM SCRAM SCRAM!” Mu Qing was hit in the face by the sacks of rice he brought and backed two steps away. All three of them in the house were panting harshly.” - this is it this is the part where i closed my laptop and said “noOOooOOOoooo” out loud to my room im so upset... and mu qing still tried to leave the rice even after the broom thing im ;_;

“Feng Xin was completely convinced that he would never do such a thing, but that was precisely why this had become the worst-case scenario!” - pain, suffering, dismay, etc

“Feng Xin continued, “If Your Highness thinks your life might be in danger, I can finish this for you, I won’t tell Her Majesty, haha.” - bless your heart for trying feng xin

“But it shouldn’t be like this. The Feng Xin of the past would have absolute faith in him no matter what! Even if there was only twenty percent doubt, it was still unbearable!” - AHHHHHHH okay idk if i really have much to say about their relationship other than im sad but IM SAD!!!!

the differences between feng xin and mu qing’s relationship with xie lian are so interesting. feng xin has clearly always idolized xie lian a lot while mu qing hasnt at least not in the same way and he seems like he has some resentment towards xie lian (thats how i read it anyway thats what i said about it at the beginning of book 2 and i think its understandable and can be a very real part of friendships) that feng xin doesnt and i just think thats neat!!

“He was firmly tied down upon the altar, that broken base of the statue under his body. There were many people squeezed below the altar, and pair after pair of round, unblinking eyes were watching him.” - hmmm dont think i like where this is going

“Yet, before he could finish, he realized that the white silk that he used to cover his face had been undone. In this moment, the thing that had him completely tied down was that exact white silk.” oh my god wait is this ruoye?? is ruoye that same ribbon???? ill cry

“The hand stained with blood, the one that ended a life, was immune to the Face Disease.” - ohhh shit okay. okay okay. okay. shit okay. i See now.... so if youre an innocent civilian the only way to escape this fate (and the faces are actually the souls of other innocent civilians) is to get rid of your innocence... and doesnt this disease not actually hurt its just horrific? god.............

“White No-Face pitied, “You think they don’t want to do it? Wrong, it’s not that they don’t want to, it’s solely because no one wants to be the first, that’s all.” - shut up!!! youre the one who created this situation dont fucking preach about the way you think the world is

“He forced down the mouthful of blood and hissed, “What are you laughing at? You think that you got what you wanted? This was all forced by you!” The ghost fire within the ghost’s hand flickered even more fiercely.” - yes exactly!!! you put people in extreme circumstances sometimes they do extreme things!! youve proved nothing!! god i do love when characters say exactly what im thinking. plus the first ones who caved were trying to save their child

“He felt that, if he was to let them do what they wanted, there was something in his heart that would never return to its original state.” - :( also i kind of feel that in my life sometimes and i just hope xie lian’s heart ends up in a state he’s happy with

“He didn’t dare to look at what had become of the person lying on the altar, because what laid there didn’t look human anymore.” AHHHHHH!!! :(((( i mean i get why this event is what made hc... level up??? thats not a good way to describe it fjasldkfjaslk but you know what i mean... that line about being powerless to help your beloved OOOOOOF

okay well finished that chapter im. pain. hmmm. pain. i dont know if i actually have any words rn lol but im gonna stop here for now

[beyoncesdragon]

Oh lord (Loki x Reader)

Pairing: Loki x Queen!Reader 

Warning: fluuffff I suppose. No swear warning this time and that’s a first lol

Summary: Loki had not exactly planned on going back, or better; he had not thought he survive it. Thor being Thor couldn't care less about that, naturally. 

A/N: lets just...PRETEND this is how Vanaheim looks. I did my research dont worry, but...it’s fiction after all. and the old norse is real aHA!

My Masterlist 

The chains around his feet rattled with every step he made and the dragging sound of the iron was painful and annoying to listen to. “I don’t understand why you are dragging me to this very place brother.” Loki asked annoyed, before eyeing the few other people who were accompanying them suspiciously. “And why you felt like bringing them with you.” Thor didn’t even bother to turn around to answer, he only pulled at the chains, making his brother almost stumble forward.

“They have a right to know where you are kept safe, after you attacked their city.” He explained quickly, before pulling his brother towards a tree in the middle of a corn field. “And why, by the gods…” he started again, but Thor silenced him with a glance. Instead Loki sighed and tilted his head to the right, attentively watching the attractive red haired assassin lining up in front of him. Right to her left stood a man in skin tight uniform with his (in Loki’s eyes) ridiculous shield, and next to him Tony Stark. Not to forget the guy with the arrows he couldn’t remember the name of and the Hulk. Even though he wasn’t green and a bully creature in this moment, but more of a slight built scientist. Loki let out another quiet sigh and closed his eyes. They shot open in horror only a few seconds later, when Thor held his hammer high and a sudden beam of yellow and white light beat down from above.

He sucked in a breath when the light disappeared and showed them their new location: an unreal blue river surrounded by incredible high trees. Some of them were so high, that their tips grazed the clouds above. Strange plants wound themselves around their massive trunks, pulsating in many different colours.

“Where are we?” Stark spoke up, seeming to be the first to catch himself again. The beauty of the place was nearly hypnotizing.

“Vanaheim.” Loki whispered, his face pale by now. “Brother…” he started, but Thor just shook his head. Natasha looked around curiously.

“So what are we looking for? Is there a path…” she got cut off by a roaring sound from somewhere above them. Everyone’s eyes snapped up, gasps getting loud. Coiled around the tree near them, an emerald scaled dragon-like beast looked down, golden eyes glomming hostile.

“Don’t move.” Thor spoke quietly. “What the heck is that? A dragon?” Clint whispered, his hands slowly wandering towards his arrows.

“Not exactly. This is a drakon. They are several millennia’s older than dragons and can grow almost twice as big.” Loki whispered, his eyes fixed on the reptiles’ head. “Can it fly?” Natasha asked and Thor shook his head. “As far as I know, it can’t. but who knows maybe she gave’em some wings…” Loki stiffed up. “No. No, she didn’t. Now let’s leave, even I do not particularly feel like triggering a drakon by hanging around his tree.” Everyone agreed, much to his surprise and they slowly backed off. The drakon wouldn’t follow them, it stayed on its gigantic three-mile tree and only hissed warningly.  

“So, where are we even going?” Natasha asked, attentively observing the surroundings. She had two knives drawn, her body tense and always ready for another drakon to drop down on them. As if a knife would help against a seven ton, rock hard scaled, ancient beast. “To the palace.” Thor answered drily and received a rather annoyed look from the avengers and a pained one from a certain frost-giant.

“I really don’t think that this is a benefitting idea for either of us brother.” Loki tried to pursue his brother, but Thor cut him off. “It is the best option for all of us Loki. It’s the safest place where I can bring you, not only just for your safety.” Clint seemed like he wanted to say something, but Natasha gave him a small push with her elbow. “I can’t believe she agreed to do this.” Loki just whispered and Thor chuckled mischievously.

“She hasn’t agreed on anything actually.” He then pulled at Loki’s chains since the prince stopped on his tracks immediately. “You haven’t asked her? She will behead me brother, the second she sees me!” he protested and stumbled forwards, still putting up resistance against Thor’s pulls. “She will not. We both know that and now come on.” Steve carefully cleared his throat. “Not to be impolite but who exactly are we talking about? And what is Vanaheim exactly?” he asked silenty and Thor gave him a motivational smile. “We are talking about a dear friend of Loki, also a dear friend of mine actually. She basically rules here and stuff. Really laid back lass.”

Loki huffed and rolled his eyes. “Friend of mine…” he whispered almost inaudible before carefully avoiding a bluish pulsating ivy creeper hanging from one of the trees. They seemed to follow a small path through the sparsely grown forest, almost unnoticeable for untrained eyes.

“But rules over what?” Bruce asked, his eyes wide. He brushed over a bush with silky soft leaves in a light green and yelped shocked when the rims of the leaves were razor-sharp. “Hvasslaufsblað-Laukr.” he snapped around.

“Excuse me?”

Loki stood behind him, his eyes following the steady trickle of blood that dropped from the long cut the leaves had caused him.

“Hvasslaufsblað-Laukr.” He repeated and pointed at the plant. “It’s called like that. Roughly translated it means Sharp-leafed plant. How ugly.” Bruce blinked confused as Loki passed him without another word.

“Vanaheim is one of the Nine Worlds and exists on the highest level of the World Tree.” Thor explained whilst carefully making his way through the slowly higher getting grass. “The World Tree?” Tony asked and Thor nodded. “Yggdrasil. Its inhabitants are the Vanir, masters of sorcery and magic. They are also widely recognized for their talent to predict the future and so on.” Loki rolled, slightly irritated by the rough description of his brother, his eyes again. His description wouldn’t even come close to the many wonders this world held.

“It’s beautiful.” Natasha sighed and he only snorted but said nothing. Suddenly the sky opened up, the trees stopped. The group had arrived at the top of a small hill where a silver glomming path leaded to a gigantic building. It looked like a mix between a forest, a palace and a beehive. The whole construct seemed to actually breathe and radiate energy.

“Ha! I knew I could still remember the way!” Thor cheered triumphantly  and determinedly started to walk towards the magical place. Loki’s pale face almost turned ashy.  

When the guards in front of the living tree portal recognised Thor, they lowered their weapons. They weren’t surprised about their appearance and that made Loki more than suspicious. Especially because they seemed to even expect him. Him, Loki the god of mischief that had parted with the people of Vanaheim in not a particularly friendly way – at least not with their leader. And with her, he was about to meet again and he was not ready for it.

“Look at who’s finally deciding to visit me again.” The voice was chilly, demanding and with a hint of anger. Thor immediately bowed respectfully and the rest of the avengers followed his example. Loki however stood still, his eyes on the ground.

“Of course minn dróttning.” Thor immediately answered and the woman chuckled softly. “I am not your queen Thor, son of Odin. How have you been and who have you brought with you?” Thor stood up fully and gave the woman sitting in front of them on a simple chair a dashing smile. “I have been very well. Let me quickly introduce my friends from Midgard to you.” He said with a knowing smile as he saw how your eyes flashed up in a bright and vivid green. “Midgard?” he nodded and carefully and slowly started to introduce every single one of the avengers in the old-fashioned way of Vanaheim, listing up all their titles and heroic deeds. The queen’s eyes changed colour all two to three names and titles, depending on the emotion you felt the second you heard them. When Thor finished you leaned back, her eyes now quickly switching between a deep purple and a vibrant red.

“I welcome you.” Was the only thing you remarked after a few seconds, still not paying attention to Loki, who slowly got jittery. “It looks wonderful here. Truly magnificent.” Bruce bubbled out and you tilted your head. “Thank you. It hasn’t always been this way.” Your voice suddenly seemed ice cold, eyes drained from all colour. “Vanaheim was one of the battlefields in the Vanir's raging war against the Aesir. It still is ravaged after the centuries-long war.” Thor shared an alarmed look with his brother who just pressed his lips together. He knew that the queen wasn’t in a particular good mood when it came to asgardians and particularly not when it came to the family of Odin.

“It was the marriage of Freya, one of the leaders of the Vanir, my mother, with Odin, the King of the Aesir, what finally brought peace to Vanaheim and the rest of the realms.” You continued coldly. “After the marriage's fallout, Odin locked the path to Vanaheim through Týr's Temple, allowing nobody to visit the realm. Which is also, why I haven’t seen my mother in over a decade and me and my people hardly ever get visitors.” The temperature in the room had dropped, all the lights lost their golden tone to it.

“Now, what are you here for? And why in the name of all god’s is he here.” you asked coldly, finally looking straight at Loki.

“Your highness…” Loki got down on his knee and the avengers threw each other surprised looks. Loki kneeling was a whole new thing. Your eyes had changed again, still whiteish and only a gleaming white ring was sparkling angrily at him. “You left, almost a decade ago, with the city on fire. It took us three weeks to put it out.” Loki had his eyes still glued on the floor.

“It was an accident milady.” He mumbled half-heartedly. “An accident?” you laughed coldly getting up abruptly. “An accident?!” you repeated again, your voice now noticeably louder. The avengers stepped back softly.

“Then so was that!” you snapped, slipping something from your finger. A golden ring gleamed up in the light, a snake that was about to swallow itself with a huge green jewel on top of its head. Thor sucked in a breath and so did Loki whose face had lost all colour again. He stood up as well, raising his hand.

“Please…” he only pushed out, a sincerity in his voice that surprised everyone in the room. “Don’t do this.” your hand shook lightly, the arm still risen and ready to throw the ring to Valhalla. “Give me a reason! You’re not even wearing yours.” your voice had turned into a whisper at the end, a pained expression flitting over your face. Loki frowned softly and rose his left hand. A green ring of light and energy wandered over his hand, the illusion of a bare hand disappearing. Suddenly, there sat a set of three rings on his ring finger, all of them connected by a octagon cut emerald that resembled the yours in colour perfectly. It seemed like they were both cut from the same emerald and Tony’s head spun at the thought of how big the emerald must have been. “Loki…” Thor whispered but Loki rose his hands. Thor closed his mouth again, staring at his brother in disbelief. Your hand sunk slowly. You sat down carefully, mustering the prince with a piercing glare.

“You haven’t took it off?” Loki shook his head. “Not once my queen.” you sighed softly, waving him closer quickly. Loki walked towards you, approaching the steps to your throne slowly and still a bit shaky. You extended your hand towards him, so he could slip the ring back on your finger.

“Forgive me.” You mumbled softly and Loki mustered a soft smile. “Forgive me, my love. I shouldn’t have left after the fire.” You just nodded, getting up once again. Suddenly you looked tired and drained, very unlike the vivid young woman everyone had first seen. “You have been missed. My people loved you.” you explained silently, having forgotten the rest of your guests that still stared at the two of you in confusion.

“Only your people?” Loki asked with a soft and knowing smirk before very carefully supporting your stand by placing his hand on your lower back. “You…I do not wish to elaborate my prince.” You brushed his comment off before giving him a sincere look. Loki just smirked mischievously bowing his head, gaze falling down to your lips. You had obviously picked up on his gaze, raising one eyebrow questioningly.

“Waiting on something?” your voice was quiet and not more than a whisper, but Loki’s eyes snapped up again. His eyes met yours, yet in a light pinkish colour, like a bushing sky in the morning. He swallowed thickly, eyes falling back to your lips.

“May I…?” his voice deeper than before, his warm breath feeling hot and a bit quicker against your lips. You only tilted your head, eyes switching into a deeper pink. Almost hesitant Loki moved in, lips delicately placing on yours. It was as if a spark run through the whole palace, the lights suddenly seeming to shine golden and warm. Thor couldn’t hold his smile back, so he looked down. As Loki moved back again, his cheeks were full of life and colour again, eyes vividly sparkling.

“I missed you too.” You whispered, a small smile gracing your features, as you linked your fingers with his. Loki took a deep and shaky breath, looking down at your beautiful appearance.

He had been lucky again, too lucky almost. Not that he complained, of course not.

And oh had he missed you too.

[sarahmariepoet]

Living life

I have to say this because it's important: I am a woman. I am not broken. I am myself. I am not going anywhere. I am free. I am free to be me. I love myself. I love who I am. I am not cisgender. I am transgender and I love myself. I am proud of myself and who I am and who I am becoming. My depression and anxiety do not define me. I love myself.

With all this said, one of my biggest dreams has always been to be able to get pregnant. I would love to be able to carry a child in me. Unfortunately, the body I have is not physically able to do this.

Although science is making more discoveries in regards to gender and bodies in gender, the ability to put a womb--and safely conceive and carry a child to full term and have the child safely--in my body is a long way off. This means that, more then likely, I will never be able to conceive a child.

This doesn't mean I'm any less a woman though. There are cis women who are unable to conceive children. They aren't any less women then a woman who is able to have children.

With that said, yes, it was something I struggled with for years. I couldn't fathom transitioning only to never have a cis body and be unable to fulfill this need that I still struggle with.

The truth of the matter was that I couldn't perceive being happy by transitioning. It wasn't that I only wanted to be pregnant, it was that I wanted to be happy. Being a cis female wouldn't make me happy if I still had to deal with depression and anxiety, which wouldn't magically disappear either.

This is something that I have had to consider and deal with while I am transitioning. Is coming out at work making me happy? To my family? To my friends? Not completely. Being honest with myself and coming out to me is making me happy. Yes, transitioning privately and publicly helps with that, but I started admitting this to myself fully prior to the hormones and prior to coming out publicly. Yes, I took hormones prior to publicly coming out, but that was my choice based on dealing with myself and realizing what was best for me.

What is making me happy is being honest with myself. I am far more happy with myself being myself. I had this discussion with my family recently. I can't continue to pretend to be a man. It physically and mentally hurts and drains me to pretend in such a way. Everytime I'm forced to pretend another part of me dies.

I may not be a cis woman but to pretend that I am not a woman hurts me more deeply in my soul then any other lie I've ever told or been told. To tell that lie literally sets me down a path of depression and anxiety, a path that would have ultimately led to my death.

This is important to mention because everytime someone calls me 'sir' it makes me wonder and question if I'm enough. Am I doing enough? Am I a fraud? I know I'm not and that I'm a woman but I still wonder. I wonder because of a lack of self esteem. I wonder because what if I'm not enough? What if I thought I could do this but I find I can't? Yes, I love myself and yes I'm strong but am I strong enough? Can I do this? Can I be myself?

I want to say yes but what if I'm wrong and what if those suicidal thoughts come back? The truth is that they never truly left. They're there in the back of mind haunting me because I don't know what to do besides to live as myself and hope that I find this happiness and love that has alluded me so.

Everytime someone calls me my birth name this darkness, this depression, reminds me I'm not good enough. Everytime someone mentions they know I'm transgender in a negative light. Everytime someone gives me pitying looks. Everytime I'm treated differently to a cis woman. Everytime someone makes a comment that I'm 'clearly a man'. Everytime someone shakes my hand roughly but wouldn't do so with a cis woman. Everytime people ignore me in conversations. Everytime I die a little inside.

These are real feelings that I experience because of this inability to be myself. These are issues I struggle with. This isn't meant to be stated for pity though. No, this is to point out that saying and doing these things can and will negatively impact others. I know not everyone can understand what transgender people go through. Understand though that we want to be treated with respect.

Calling me my preferred name but treating me like a man doesn't help either though. I've seen how people look at me and how they react to my presence and though there are people I know that have been positive there are certainly negative interactions as well.

The next time you see a transgender person in the bathroom act normally. They probably aren't interested in causing a scene or causing any issues any more then you are. You know what they want? To pee and poop in peace. That's it. Go in there, do your business, wash and dry your hands, then leave. That's what they want too.

Conversation in restrooms is fine--if that's what you do normally--but don't treat them differently and, certainly, dont leave the bathroom immediately upon seeing them in there or refuse to do anything and stare them down until they leave. That's just awkward for everyone.

The same goes for names and pronouns. You wouldn't bring up a married (or divorced) woman's old name, right? So why bring up a transgender person's birth/dead name? Whether they have changed it legally yet or not, respect their name. It's important because it helps them identify as themselves and not how they had to pretend to portray before. Help make them comfortable and happy.

As for pronouns, it's the same thing. Imagine that you wake up one day and everyone is using the wrong pronouns for you, despite you telling them the correct ones. They just refuse to use the right ones! Wouldn't that make you upset? Wouldn't that cause you distress?

Now, we are all aware that mistakes may happen. Don't make a huge deal over tiny mistakes. Either apologize and move on or commit (privately) to yourself to do better. Don't make a huge scene either. That just makes it worse and places them on the spot.

Above all else treat the transgender person just as you would any other person of their gender. This means treat a transgender man (someone identifying as a man) as you would treat any other man, a transgender woman (someone identifying as a woman) as you would treat any other woman, and a nonbinary person as you would treat any other human being.

For example, women have a certain way that they speak to and treat other women. Cis women, don't treat a transgender woman any differently. Help her out, offer her advice respectfully and privately (or in a group of other women if appropriate), let her know if her skirt rode up, ask her if she's okay or if she needs a hug. Don't hesitate to help her out when and if she needs it. Notice her bra strap is showing? Let her know discreetly. Her tag hanging out from the back of her shirt? Let her know or tuck it in discreetly just as you would for a cis woman. These are all things cis women have done for other women and a transgender woman is no different.

The same can be said for how you should treat transgender men and nonbinary people. Treat them as you would anybody and respect them and their identities. Don't hesitate to treat people as you normally would, regardless of how they identify, and treat them as you would anyone else who identifies the same.

I think the importance here is not treating someone differently just because they're different than you. A transgender person may not have had the same experience as you in behaving how they're gender identity behaves but that doesn't mean they are any less a part of their gender identity. It's important to remember that they're actively trying to be themselves and may not even know what that means yet.

If they're on hormones, like I am, there may be times they say or do something stupid. Anytime hormones get involved there is a chance a person will act differently then you're used to them acting. The same can be said about any big change though. This doesn't mean you need to give them space though. Giving someone too much space after you've been close or treating them a certain way then suddenly treating them differently can have a negative impact as well.

For example, I am very intune to the emotional state of those around me. If someone suddenly treats me different, I am far more likely to take it personal and wonder what I did wrong. Sometimes this is helpful and sometimes this is detrimental.

Not everyone has an issue with--or even cares--about what one person does. With that said, there are times you can tell how one person is treated differently to everyone else and figure out why. I think this happens because people don't know how to treat transgender people. How do you handle someone who changes everything you thought you knew about them?

How does that affect you? Short answer. It doesn't. People change all the time. The difference is you thought this person was one gender and it turns out you were wrong. That's scary, right? Now imagine it from their perspective. They don't want to be the center of attention. I know I didn't and still don't.

Now imagine having to change at work, at school, coming out to family, worrying about name changes and gender markers on IDs, whether or not health insurance will cover normally-gendered medical issues (e.g. testicular or ovarian cancers) if you change your gender marker, being thrown out of businesses, their home, losing their jobs, or even being killed for being transgender. Do you accept these risks and no longer lie or cover up your identity for the chance to be happy by admitting and being yourself?

These are all things that transgender people have to consider and go through. So yes, my name is Sarah and I'm transgender and I want to be and am happy. It's not perfect. I'm not perfect. This is my life and it's certainly not perfect but it is my life. And you know what? I'm living it.

[kaywritesthings]

What is dead may never die.

The ship wasnt the worst part of it all. It was the thoughts he was left with. His sister having a grand old time with the other pirates, and Theon lookng blankely at the sea. Reciting his name over and over again. "Theon grey joy. Theon Greyjoy." He would remind himself and looked down at his bare arms for a moment, taking in the everything was real. His skin was real. The freedom was real, and most important he was alive. He got up to walk around, his sister going downstairs. She had been looking at that woman for some time. It bothered theon a bit that she preferred the company of women, and the old him would mock her for it, but those days were gone. He headed around the cabins looking around for something to do, something to maybe drink, even though that did nothing to help him. He poked in a room to see one of the snake girls getting undressed. "My apologies " He said since he was caught . His face beet red. old him would have made some cocky introduction and shutt he door, leaned back against it and thanked her for being ready for him. "Sorry." He said once more before slowly walking away. "

Tyene entered for the first time 3 minutes ago

Tyene: Tyene had been on many ships before, and would be on many ships again, but this time she felt restless.  Maybe it was the fact that they'd sailed all the way to Dragonstone just to head right back home.  Or maybe she was truly sensing something bad on the air.  Whatever it was, her mother didn't seem concerned about it.  When she saw her a few moments ago, she was getting close to that pirate queen, and Tyene had respectfully slipped away.  But she stayed close, stealing into someone else's cabin while they weren't using it.  Whoever used this room had many fine soaps and lotions and Tyene amused herself with using them, slipping her rubbing the lotion over her shoulder ans sniffing it, laughing softly.  She didn't get to feel like a girl much- with all the fighting and dirtiness of the sand constantly blowing against her skin. And now the force of the salt air.  But it was nice to steal away and pretend.  She looked up when the door opened, just as she'd slipped her top off and laughed a little when she recognized the pirate queen's strange, silent brother.  "Are you sorry to see me?" she said, going over to the door and letting her breasts swing free, amusement in her eyes.  "Most are grateful.  I'm not sorry to show.  You really are a strange boy, aren't you?"

Theon: "You could say that." He said, it was useless to pretend to want sex. It would be in his mind and travel down to a ghost feeling. "Aye." He said awkwardly looking down at his feet, like he was suppose to. Bolton always said he wasnt worthy enough to look into his eyes. He didnt really want to anyway, and the times bolton did make him look, he saw deep pits of evil that he coudlnt describe. Bolton may be dead now, but he still haunted him from time to time. He had no idea how he looked right now, like a drown rat probably. "there is cherry pie in the wooden box just there." He pointed that way. "I dont like cherry anything, so you may have it, alright bye." He said and turned to make  a run for it.

Tyene: Tyene wanted nothing more than to be her mother's daughter, and her mother had the eye of every man and woman as far as Tyene could tell.   So not having this man fall into her lap when she was so exposed felt like a slight.  She pursed her lips and wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him into the room and shutting the door.  "Why are you so eager to get away?" she said, her lips pouting a little.  "You must have heard of the bastard women of Dorne?  What we can do to a man," she breathed, trying to get him to meet her eyes and sliding her fingers down his chest.  "Do you not think I'm beautiful?" she murmured.  "I'm better than any cherry you could find."

Theon: "Aye my lady. I do find you appealing to look at." He said. He could sense she wanted something from him. Didn't she just help kill a prince and her uncle? Would she try to kill him as well, what about his sister. She could fend for herself in most cases. "I like peach pie the best." He said awkwardly. Cherrys was the only thing Bolton would let him eat, cherrys and raw meat and sometime sif he felt nice, stale bread. "But reek, you eat better than my dogs and I love them most. You get to eat once a day.. dont you realize how much I love you?' All games. There was a reason he didnt trust much. "I should go check on her. my sister."

Tyene: Tyene frowned a little at that, and pressed him harder against the door with her body, looking at him critically.  "I bet you've had plenty of women in your day," she mused, touching his cheek.  "Cleaned up, you'd be something to look at."  She looked at him consideringly.  "Your sister is having a good time with my mother," Tyene said and then smirked.  "We could have a good time too," she added, and fluttered her eyelashes.  Maybe he was used to more demure girls.  Tyene had a hard time playing demure.  Why not be open about what you wanted?  She let her hands trail lower and pressed her thigh between his legs, frowning when she didn't feel anytyhing press back.  Not even a soft cock either.  Tyene stepped back, her whole face pinched.

Theon: He pulled her hand off before she could touch him too much and figure it out. "I don't think so, I cant." He said and whimpered. He had nothing to offer her. Even if he watned to,he wasnt sure he could. He didnt feel attractive, not even cleaned up. "I am sorry." He said, he   pulled away from her and presed his back to the door. He reached for the door knob. "But, your beauty is rare. Many men would want what you want on this ship, just not me. "He said and removed himself from the room again. He felt something wrong and needed to tell his sister

Tyene: Tyene narrowed her eyes.  She didn't take rejection well, even if she wasn' truly that invested and she just wanted to pass the time.  "Oh, don't be noble about it," she said and rolled her eyes.  "Nobility is boring," she said and flopped down on the bed, reaching for her top and starting to lace it back together.  "I'm sure any number of your pirate friends would murder each other for the chance to be with me," she said, knowing it was true.  She looked in the mirror on the vanity, and pursed her lips together.  She paused and looked over to Theon when he mentioned she had a rare beuty and gave him a small smile.  "That's right I do," she said and smiled wider.  "Oh I think I understand now.   You're more for the men, aren't you?" she said and then laughed to herself as he left, she shook her head and made her way out to the decks, and immediately sensed something bad on the horizon, and moments later, enemy ships were spotted.

Theon: Theon pinched his lip together at the mention of being into men. Never! He didn want to argue, if that helped her, it helped her. He knew he had notihng to offer her in the way of what a man could give her with real man parts. He made his way down to the deck to see his sister being molested by the snake sisters mother.He felt bad, always forgetting her name. He didnt knwo why they wanted him to watch. Was everyone trying to make him watch sex in some weird torture. He didnt get to soak in that thought before the ship was being attacked. He ran up stairs to see the commotions, he saw the snake girls fighting off enemies, it was his damn uncle. How on earth did he catch up?

Tyene: As soon as the ship was boarded Tyene raced back to where she'd last seen her mother.  If there was anyone that needed protecting, it was her.  There was no one she cared more about in the world than her mother, and found herself fighting off men that were bigger and stronger than her, and holding her own pretty well.  There were bumps and bruises along the way, and she could feel blood trickling down her arms, and chest, and legs, her own and others.  It was too small of a place to use a spear, which she was better at, but she managed to hold her own, and wished her poisons were nearby and not further below decks.   Tyene held everyone off for as long as she could, but soon the forces were overwhelming and she felt the defeat sink in as she and her mother were taken prisoner.

Theon: Theon made the worst decision. He didnt use his brain as much as his instincts to run. He did. He felt betrayl from himself when he hit the ice cold water. They could have killed her by now. There was cheering all over, but not from his side. He floated a while, thinking and feeling doom. What a ass he was. A cowardly ass. He should have let himself stay as reek where he belong. "Theon. I am theon." He said to himself, reminding him to give him strength. His sistet must hate him now.. (Fast forward, feel fee to add anything from then and the jail thing to wher ei go?) Theon felt a sense of power. Jon helped him get it by forgiving him. He needed that. He felt stronger. He could save his sister. What was he standing around for anyway? He saw how much of a coward his uncle was. He was all talk until he wasnt. He would save his sister and all those he could. He was reborn. He was first headed towards kings landing, a place he could die, but he figured his sister was there. He would save her and show her he did care and that she was worthy of being saved.