#but like i cant fall asleep yet i just came home and smoked weed and chugged a bottle of water because i was coughing so much

[bigcatbulges]

Source - syukapong

[iisthisurltakenyetuniverse-blog]

not going to be using this for too much anymore, but eh

Not sure who is reading this, I'm trying to prevent an audience of people that do know me, or whatever. i don't really care right now. 

i feel like i have so much to say, but not enough time or energy to say it.  you see, I'm suffering from Depression. i can't get out of bed. I cant eat, and I cry all the time.  my fiancé is an alcoholic. we have a 3mo daughter. He is the sole reason I have depression. This post is going to be my closure. I will not come back to it once i OFFICIALLY leave him. Every night, he drinks and drinks, then he picks up the baby, screams for me, and tell me ‘I can't hold her. I'm too drunk’ 

this isn't the first time, and I know it won't be the last until I leave him for good. I hate him. i truly, honestly, deeply hate him. I haven't loved him since i hit the 3rd month of my pregnancy, when he beat me, and i won't ever love anybody again. 

He is definitely the root of my problems, and i know how bad that sounds, but its true. He has thrown my cell phone and my wallet off of our 8th floor balcony because I did not have weed for him, nor would he wake up for work on time. I will post photos as well.  When I went to retrieve my items (what was left of them anyway); my phone was completely gone. and with it, the evidence that would have saved me and bring me to a safer life. I don't want him. i can't have him in my life.  He has repeatedly thrown me around. His mother would take his side, stating ‘you're crazy.’ meanwhile, she forced me to live in an apartment that i cannot afford, and to have me on the lease (Im listed as occupant, so I legally have no rights over her, i just can't get in shit with the landlord or whatever. source: http://ontariolandlordandtenantlaw.blogspot.ca/2013/04/my-roommate-abandoned-me.html?m=1) I remember one day; i think it was july or august, i don't know right now. I came home from my job at a collections office, to him dead asleep and an empty vodka bottle on the living room table, and in the bathroom on the sink. (i don't know what a mickey is, but he had one 750ml bottle, and one 250mL.) He works at 700PM and i know he has to leave for 630. so I wake him up at 5:45 to 6. I get home on fridays at 5pm, so i don't exactly have much time to do anything for myself, and we were also well aware of the pregnancy and how far along i was (8 weeks or so. I know it wasn't 12 yet because I did not want to tell anybody besides him yet)  So, here I am. 93lbs of me trying to wake him up. he keeps shoving me away and telling me to fuck off. no, wake up and go to work. he wouldn't. so whatever. i tried, he can go in late like he usually does.  at 620, his phone rings. I dont know who it is, and I don't care. I was in the living room having my tea and reading articles on my phone when he rips the bedroom door apart, screams at me for not waking him up, and demanding I give him weed. right. now.  i DID NOT have any on me, nor was I supposed to. I was pregnant and I was trying to kick the habit. he started screaming, yelling, throwing everything around the room and apartment screaming that ‘I need my fix. you hid some. where is it?’ keep in mind, this was well past 630 i TOLD HIM repeatedly, i DO NOT have any. and i started to record evidence on my phone in the form of a voice recording (incase it goes to court.) He notices that it made a sound, ran to the corner I was in, picked up my phone (which had my ID and my debit card in the case.) threatened to throw it out the balcony if i was recording. i said no. its mine give it back.  So he proceeds to run to the balcony, and chuck it over. (my girlfriend happened to be downstairs at the time and picked it up for me. She recognized my case and gave it back when i ran to grab it. i HAVE included photos of the phone on the next post. it wouldn't let me here for some reason) Before I am able to run downstairs, he proceeds to lift me up, throw me on the ground, and sit on my neck until I promise to ‘stop being a stupid little bitch causing unnecessary drama.’ this whole time i was pinned, I was screaming for help. anybody. just somebody to hear me rasping my voice and losing consciousness from a 288lb male sitting on my neck. Knowing time was going to run out, I had to warn him. ‘if you do not get off of me i will bite you until you let go, and I will not stop until you do.’ he, did not take the chance to believe me, and proceeded to scream as i bit down. He did not let go of my head. He decided to place a call to my parents to let them know what i did. the conversation followed: (from what i could hear, remember, i have no phone anymore.) Crazy Male I reside with: your daughter bit me, and you need to pick her up and take her to a mental hospital. My father: Can you tell me why she bit you? I can't punish my daughter if I don't know why she would randomly bite you. she's not an animal.  CM: She bit me and I'm bleeding. come pick her up. Dad: Why did she bite you? Answer me. CM: She bit me! you need to come get her! anyway so my parents never found out, and still don't know what happened. I will probably show them this post one day when I’m comfortable with accepting this. I am writing this so I could finally have some closure from this relationship. he has thrown and broken countless things of mine, from makeup being whipped at a wall for it to explode, to my handbag being thrown out a window and the front door in the wind. not once, has he ever owned up to these, nor apologized. 

The next day, he was bruised in the spot where i bit him, and demanded that everybody knew ‘I was a crazy psychotic bitch.’ even my parents didn't believe him. They knew something was up. Anyway, I stayed in the apartment, actually, I'm writing this in the apartment with my daughter in her swing, and him smoking his life away. 

anyway, after that episode, he kicked me in the abdomen twice, he threw his phone at me, and told me ‘When I come back, i don't ever want to see you again.’ okay, great. same page. bonus.  So the mall closes at 9, its almost 8now. I had to sprint to the mall phone kiosk and ask them to charge me for another one. I was in tears and covered in dirt and whatever was on the floor. the man was quick to help me get set up and sent me on my way with ‘good luck’. I think he was sincere. he smiles when he sees me at the mall., but I'm sure anybody would if they showed up crying hysterically with shards of glass instead of a phone.  so that was it. for that story. I had a new iPhone and was able to contact my ‘seven cups of tea’ lady. She recommended I do what you readers are saying, leave him and call the police. but i just couldn't do it. I know how that sounds, but I couldn't. do it. 

my girlfriend, Lauren, (she plays a HUGE role in my safety and mental health, ill explain her too as this goes on) was always willing to get here and force me out. her boyfriend, Brian, just got a new SUV and they could handle me and my items in one trip. I just couldn't. leave. as bad as i wanted to. i couldn't.  So I always ended up lying to her, to make her not feel like she's bothering me. but i knew she cared. she never. ever stopped caring about me and my baby. To her, my daughter was the child she could not have yet, but she did everything she possibly could, organized people to talk to me, and help. i still said no. The next day at work, I showed up with a bruised face, and lied through my teeth. to my manager, my supervisor, HR, and my best friend. They didn't know until after anyway, the week after the episode, it started again. this time, I happened to still be in the office at work, as it was my late night, I finished at 730 and got home at 8 as my dad gave me a ride home twice a week. at around 6pm, he started calling my cell phone. I know he won't call my work unless is an emergency, so i ignored it. then he texted me. he asked me where the weed was. I told him I did not have any, again.  He asked me again, stating I have it hidden somewhere. I told him, no. (the truth) and not to bother me at work. I turned my phone off. I didn't need to be distracted at work. when i finished, and turned my phone on, i had texts from him that were extremely verbally abusive. and sent me a text saying ‘clean the mess up.’ I had no idea what he meant, and he would not answer my texts or my call.  I get home, and theres nothing out of the ordinary. theres a plate in the sink and his liquor bottles on the table, but nothing that I'm not used to.  So I go to the hallway, and on the bedroom door, it says ‘fuck you, idiot loser.’ so I cry and can't hold myself up, so I fall to the ground. i had NO idea what to expect. I opened the bedroom door, and all my clothes, all my makeup, even my metal laundry hamper, was warped. my clothes were ripped (my favourite articles,anyway), my laundry bin (it was three bag things that are held up by a metal pole frame) was completely taken apart and warped. metal everywhere,and all over the apartment.  he broke the only laundry basket we had, tore it into hard plastic shreds, and the bed was flipped over. I cleaned up what I could, turned my phone off,and just bawled my eyes out in the baby room. Im not sure when I fell asleep, but I was teary when I woke up for work the next day. 

on many other occasions, when I've tried to protect myself from his rage and anger, i would run to the nursery and lock the door behind me. We have rips in the wood from him trying to break it in and hurt me.  He has raped me numerous times, forcing me to take it ‘in the ass’ as I'm screaming for no and to get off of me.  Lauren passed away on October 10th, 2016. She was in a car accident with her boyfriend and sister.  I know she would not be proud of me still being here with him, but i now she's happy that I am raising my daughter to be a strong little girl. May she rest in complete peace, I love you. 

I have to get off this computer now, he's demanding i get off. I have a lot more to tell,I promise, I need to get this out of my mind and on paper so i can move on. 

I'm still with him, but these are my last days. His mother is threatening to evict me by not paying rent (i don't have any money, and i never made enough to pay half plus my bus passes and groceries and hydro. I've had to change phone companies 6+ times because they (his mother and him) take all my money and then cry that they don't have enough and want more. did i mention, he has been a no-show at work for the past 3 shifts? did i mention that while I was throwing up from the pregnancy, he screamed and told me to ‘shut the fuck up.’ when i was diagnosed with hyperemesis gavidarum? please help me. because i can't help myself.  and i really really want the help.