#but like bashir i also watch police procedurals to numb my brain

[geekthefreakout]

Garashir watch... Police Procedurals.

"And what delightful human invention is on your holoscreen this time, my dear?" Garak asked, entirely unapologetic as he let himself in to Bashir's quarters.

"The kind of show where people who break into their friends' rooms wind up in jail." Julian grumbled, but he shifted his legs on his couch to make room for his friend. "It's been a stressful week."

"Certainly it has seemed so." Garak agreed, sitting primly beside Julian's socked feet. "That business with Mr. Eddington was quite shocking! To think, a Starfleet officer joining a group of terrorists like the Maquis."

"I'm sure that hasn't made public record yet." Julian raised a suspicious eyebrow at Garak, who smiled beatifically.

"Perhaps not, but you'd be surprised how careless some officers are around their tailor."

Julian rolled his eyes, then turned back to his holoscreen. Incorrigible.

"You've not told me what we're watching."

"I am watching an ancient Earth police procedural. You are invading my quarters uninvited." Even as he spoke, Julian was stretching his legs back out, his feet soundly across Garak's lap.

"You don't appear to want me to leave." Garak said drily as he rested his clawed hands over Bashir's shins. "'Police procedural' sounds like a dull term."

"Absolutely mind-numbing." Bashir agreed. "And yet strangely comforting."

On the screen, two men with badges came across a bloodied corpse.

"Comforting." Garak said dubiously.

"Mm." Bashir yawned. "See, these are the regular officers, who won't know what to make of it all. They will be calling in the much overworked specialist team any moment, and that team will make short work of catching the killer. They might even save the final victim."

"Ah. And I presume that truth and good always prevail, and all is made right by these upstanding officers of the law."

"Usually. Once in a while it takes longer than the one episode, or the team is unable to save the victim. But these things typically go the same way."

"And yet you scoff at enigma tales!"

"It's not as fun when everyone is guilty of something." Bashir gave a half shrug, wriggling his toes in Garak's lap. "I just wanted something uncomplicated. You don't have to watch."

"No, I would be happy to avail myself of another fine Terran tradition." Garak insisted, flicking at Julian's worn socks. "Cardassians don't wrap our feet thusly, but I feel compelled to point out that these seem overworn."

"They're comfy."

"That's your excuse for nearly all your clothes."

The two sat and watched for a while. As Bashir predicted, a special team had been brought in which hailed from an agency called the FBI. They began analyzing every bit of the crime scene.

"Surely they would have been able to identify this man through his dental records?"

"Earth has never required citizens to give the government a molar. And typically a person's DNA, fingerprints, and other records would only be on file for the police if that person had been involved in a previous crime, or had otherwise occupied certain jobs. You know, teaching, healthcare, and the like. And back before Earth united under one banner, these data were often not shared across countries, or even between towns. So if one had prints on file the next town over, those prints still would not come up in a local search."

"How inefficient." Garak sounded vaguely disturbed. "The criminal is given every opportunity to continue committing crimes. It undermines the State. No wonder your Earth changed so much."

"It's not ideal, no. It did, however, protect personal privacy."

"Personal privacy. Ha! Your human individualism."

"Rich words from such a private person." Julian dug his heels into Garak's thigh to drive home his point.

"Privacy from my fellow civilians is one thing, dear Doctor. Privacy from my State is quite another. And then-- look here! The media blasting everything the officers have for all and sundry to hear! Where is your precious personal privacy then! Where is the control? It is a small wonder this fiend will shortly get away with another murder." Garak seemed to be actively agitated now, to Julian's amusement. "And meanwhile, the lead man is dithering on about what must be going through the miscreant's mind, as if that is the main concern."

"The Constable likes reading mystery novels because he thinks motive is important." Julian offered. "As I recall, motive plays a part in your enigma tales as well!"

"Of course motive is important." Garak waved him off. "It seems to me that focusing on the fiend's ability to have sex goes beyond that."

Julian shrugged, wiggling his toes again until Garak at last started rubbing absently at the soles of his feet. As Garak predicted, the murderer killed another victim in morbidly spectacular fashion.

"That's actually too much blood spatter for a wound of that nature." Julian commented drowsily.

"I suppose there's something to be said for the spectacle. Is it common for your procedurals to show the process of crime and investigation in such detail? One wonders if these couldn't be taken as inspiration."

"It was usually the other way around. Many episodes of such things are inspired by real crimes. Some are almost direct interpretations, others are something of a mixed bag. You know, a little of one, some of another."

Garak made a face, clearly not thinking much of that.

"Watch, the final showdown is imminent. They're going to talk the villain down."

"Preposterous. He's shown no sign of hesitation in his previous crimes."

"And yet."

Garak scoffed as the episode concluded, kneading Julian's feet harder in consternation.

"Well, that was a perfect waste of time." the Cardassian declared.

"That's the idea." Julian smiled. "Completely pointless. Care to watch another?"

"Not particularly." But the pleasant pressure on Julian's feet never stopped, even as the holoscreen began playing the next episode.

END