#but like ??? i hate manic pixie dream girl tropes sm and i hated how she and rick acted together

[horse-surgeon-barbie]

*cough cough* I loved the finale but like ??? Morty's fear depiction of Diane made me like her a little ... less ???

[faithlehanemademegay]

whenever i say i dread going home (suburbs of atl) it’s not just because i only have 2 friends and it’s boring as hell, like it actually triggers me to a time when i’d hide my blatant lesbianism with fake and obsessive crushes on these manic pixie dream boys (yep that’s a thing) and no one (not even myself) even knew i liked girls only out of self defense bc i’m from a town where there were approx three gay men in my high school, i was friends with two of them (still best friends with one) and the other one was a cishet white gay male who hated everyone who identified as LGBTQ but the typical cishet white gay male trope. and for lesbians? did not know a single one. i kid you not--the first lesbian i ever met (besides myself) was in COLLEGE. at freshman orientation a few of the leaders were lesbians and i was so amazed and i looked up to them sm bc i literally have never met one before. didn’t even know of any queer girls until senior yr of high school, which was my ex crush and now v good friend, who identifies as bi. 

luckily i became friends with the “queer” group in hs (only close with like two of them now lmao) but even if they were shitty friends many of them identified as non-straight. except many of the girls were those girls who didn’t really identify as anything, who said they’d kiss/fuck girls but that they’d only be in relationships w/ men. which is completely fine if that’s how you feel, but this was toxic to me as i began to identify with this as well--mostly straight but i still found girls hot and yes, i’d sleep with them but date a girl? oh god NEVER

i spent five years of my life pretending to like guys and thinking they’re hot and having these unattainable crushes on them and thinking we’d be perfect for each other and with every single one, i would never make any kind of move. never. my 16 yr old self blames my awkwardness but now i’m like wow!!! it’s because i’m a lesbian!!! 

i didn’t have anyone to look up to to realize my identity (not even on fucking television, but if there were some type of tv w/w relationship, even if it wasn’t accurate, i’d be obsessed (brittana, naomily, faberry)) so i’d just assume that these weird obsessions with men who follow a trope that differed from the typical hs douche bag (i had a thing for artistic skaters it was weird) meant that i would later date men, which was obviously a big load of bullshit AND is very typical of many closeted lesbians who don’t even realize their sexualities themselves yet

going home still hurts so much. my friends from dance (whom i still love dearly) will always ask me, no matter what, if i have any boys in my life. which hopefully they’ll start saying “do you have any girls in your life” after i’ve basically come out on IG. my parents would ask me the same, once again hopefully stopping bc i’ve come out to them, but who knows. passing by my hs when i’m driving just reminds me of how i subconsciously hated myself so i hid it with insecurity and unattainable obsessions of boys and i never once had a realized crush on a girl (i’ve had probably so many crushes on girls that were just hidden as weird obsessions bc i thought they were “pretty” and “cool”) until i realized that she wasn’t straight so i was like WOW girls that like girls exist!!! maybe i like them too!!!! and when one of my best guy friends from senior year showed any interest in me (he took me out on a date, which my oblivious gay self thought was just a friend hangout), i felt extremely uncomfortable and wanted to leave asap when i realized it was a date. at the time i was like “lol i’m just not into him this is weird!” but now i’m like “lol i’m just not into him bc i’m not into MEN” and honestly a few weeks later i started to question if i liked men at all (at this time i knew i was attracted to girls but never knew i’d date them, but i still thought i’d date men). and even months later into 1st semester of college i’d consider myself bi (90% women 10% men) just bc i still found some guys attractive and i never ever ever wanted to call myself a lesbian. i didn’t wanna be that girl! the ~lesbian~!!!! so it took me literally 7 years to finally call myself this word. i first realized girls were hot in 8th grade.

and this was out of self defense, truly. if i was an out lesbian at my high school, it would’ve been very, very bad. not only would my days be filled with the typical lesbian micro-aggressions (hypersexualization of us, asking v invasive questions, “why do you look straight”), but i would’ve been completely shamed for it or had guys tell me they’d “fuck me straight”. luckily my my close family wouldn’t have, but my extended family would hate me (they still would, and they still dont know), straight boys at my hs would’ve said the nastiest things, straight girls would think i’m gross and just a predator to them. this is what living in the south looks like. people who say the south is the best bc of the “southern hospitality” can literally go fuck themselves bc yeah it’s super nice but to those they can trust -- straight, white, christian, and usually rich. and to anyone else that doesn’t fit those categories, they’re just completely hated or ignored. it’s such a toxic environment for anyone who wants to be themselves.

and this is why sunday (nyc pride) was so so so important to me. i’ve been out to 80% of my friends for a while now, but i was never completely out in public. ppl would assume i’m straight unless i told them (which is still true unfortunately). so pride was a chance for me to be loud about it, which is what i’ve wanted to do for so fucking long. and damn it felt GOOD

big reason why i’m kinda disgusted by straight ppl attending pride just for the hell of it. so many ppl thought i was just an “ally”. my outfit was EXTREMELy gay (i even had two female symbols overlapping on my face w/ a rainbow inside it) but ppl would still assume i’m straight bc of all the straight girl allies, bc i just look straight. even at PRIDE. like this is our time to be ourselves!!! not urs!!!!!