#but jamie was just like 'i dunno keeley this isn't doing it for me i just feel bad for him? not turned on?"

[lunar-years]

you think keeley has ever had keeley time with the video of roy's retirement press conference and jamie crying after city cheers for him on repeat?

1000% yes. Whenever Roy and Jamie are doing something boring (screaming at the footie on the telly for yet another evening) Keeley takes herself and her glass of wine right upstairs to her bubble bath, special soaps, and her queued up "Vulnerable Roy Kent & Jamie Tartt Moments" YouTube playlist and has herself a wonderful night.

[aces-to-apples]

Wait nope second try: hi! Hello! Can i ask for tedependent or royjamie with either: ❛ if you called just to get off on my voice, i’m hanging up. ❜ or “Touch me there. Right there.” :3c

He isn't serious when he answers Jamie's call with, "If you called just to get off on my voice, I'm hanging up."

This dumb thing between them is new and weird but also old news and completely normal and Roy won't explain it any better than that. Can't, because he has no fucking clue how to.

Season's over; Ted's fucked off back to America; Keeley won't take either of them back because they're so fucking annoying. And the worst part of all of that was thinking that the obnoxious prick he spent years hating is both his best fucking friend and his, fucking, bisexual awakening or whatever won't want to be either of those things anymore after their fight over Keeley. Except he did, he does, and now they're doing whatever it is they're doing, fucking about, and that's how Roy answers the fucking phone at one in the morning. Like a prick.

Predictably, Jamie whines. "I didn't even say nothing! You didn't even say hi!"

"Hi," Roy deadpans as the final minutes of Bake-Off continue to play quietly on his TV. "If you called just to—"

"You're such an arsehole, I don't know why I even called you," Jamie grouses, and there's a bang like a heavy door swinging shut underneath his words.

"Don't know why you called me either," Roy says. "Thought you went out with the lads. Gave you permission to drink for it and everything."

Jamie sighs. "Yeah, dead nice of you, that," he says. "I dunno. I just—missed you. You should come out with us, next time."

Clicking through to the next episode, Roy rolls his eyes. "I'm not going out drinking with you menaces for a whole night. I have things to do," he lies.

"Liar," Jamie says immediately. "Phoebe's with her mum and I'm not there, am I? So you ain't got shit to do."

"Well then maybe you should have stayed in with me so I'd have something to do," Roy fires back.

There's an odd silence after that that makes Roy wince. He opens his mouth to apologize.

"Yeah, no, that's," Jamie says, cutting him off. "That sounds way better. Let's do that next time. S'way more fun. Hey, can we have sex yet, please?"

"How much have you had to drink?"

Jamie hums. "Mmmmthree...? Maybe four. I don't know."

"Well then we're definitely not having sex tonight, are we?" Roy scoffs and, miracle of miracles, Jamie makes an agreeable noise. Neither of them are interested in discussing why they haven't had sex yet, it seems, which is nice. "Maybe next time."

"Yeah!" Jamie cheers, loud enough that Roy has to pull his phone away from his ear. Then, "Oi, my ride's here, I gotta go. See you tomorrow?"

"Fine," Roy sighs, as if he's not looking forward to it. "Not at 4 a.m."

"Pshh, obviously! Right, 'night, love!"

Roy misses the entire signature challenge of the new episode thinking about that.