#but ive played his hangout and i fell even more in love

[anime-grimmy-art]

I love him I love him I love him I love him

[hxpemingi]

missing puzzle piece <3 s.c.b

a/n: this is my first ever lil au that ive written so please bare with me as i’m typing this as i go hehe (✿◠‿◠) sorry for any grammatical errors!!

Summary: you and changbin have been friends for years, you’ve always had a soft spot for this kid.  You have always had those lingering thoughts in the back of your mind that maybe one day this friendship could turn into something more..

word count: 2.6k 

genre/rating: oneshot!, friends to lovers!, female reader, college age, fluff, just pure fluff, angst if you squint.

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As the summer winds down and the sense of the cool breeze fills the air, i know soon enough that the fall semester is coming closer.  i dont mind school all that much, its even better that i get to spend the day with one of my closest friends changbin.  we’ve been friends for gosh knows how long and we act like brother and sister at this point. But nonetheless, theres always that feeling of “what if” in the back of my mind.... what if we did end up dating? I always feel like a puzzle with a missing piece.... I want to find someone to complete the puzzle.  As i shove those thoughts to the back of my mind i hear my phone buzzing on my bed.

-Binnie 6:30pm-

what u doing tonight? are you free??

-Y/N 6:33pm-

i have a hot date with a bowl of ice cream and the couch tonight, but i guess i can rain check. whatchu got planned?

-Binnie 6:37pm-

Wanna go to the beach with me and the boys? we plan on chilling and watching the sunset with a fire and a few drinks.  whaddya say you in?

-Y/N 6:40pm-

count me in...pick me up in 30

-Binnie 6:45pm-

shweeeeet see u then

As soon as i see that text, i put my phone down and change out of some comfy clothes and change into shorts and a cropped tee.  I should probably bring a hoodie but i know Changbin has a few in his car.  I swear that man has a whole closet in his car.  I put on a pair of slip on shoes so that way i can take them off when I’m at the beach.  As I’m putting on shoes i see Changbin’s car pull into my driveway.  After grabbing my house keys and purse I head down the driveway to get into the car where Felix and Han are in the backseat giving me the front seat.

“Glad you gave up your hot date with ice cream to hangout with us tonight” Changbin says as he heads down the road to get to the beach.

“You know i was gonna finish Avatar tonight and cry over my love for zuko but NOOOOOOO i’m gonna become a babysitter for 9 kids as they throw each other in the ocean” i say with the slightest bit of sarcasm

“Oh c’mon Y/N, the ending of avatar can wait. theres supposed to be a comet tonight!!!!” Felix chirps from the backseat

“Yeah Y/N the sky is supposed to be clear and we’ll be able to see it pass by, you wont be able to see it for another 100 years!” Han chimes in.

“They’re right Y/N, it’s a perfect night to watch it.  When will you ever be able to say you’ve seen a comet pass by in your lifetime?” Changbin adds to the conversation.

“I’m pretty sure I saw a comet that time where we were all star gazing on Minho’s roof last summer” i say to them as changbin pulls into the beach parking lot.

“Y/N i hate to break it to you, but that was an airplane.” Han says while Felix giggles.

I turn back at the giggling fools and give them a glare.

“I SHALL STAND BY THE FACT THAT IT WAS A COMET YOU TWO” i say back to the boys as Changbin puts the car into park.

We meet up with the rest of the boys who are currently setting up a makeshift fire pit and setting out some foldable chairs, thats when i realize theres 9 chairs but 10 people.  Guess I will have to sit in the sand.  I don’t worry about it too much when i see Chan currently chasing Seungmin with a dead jellyfish on a stick trying to poke him.  We haven’t been here a total of 5 minutes and there’s already chaos.

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After an hour or two of the boys running around in the sand, throwing each other in the water, and a quite competitive game of tag, the sun starts to turn the sky the most beautiful shades of orange and red.  Chan runs to his car to grab a speaker and Hyunjin starts a fire.  Pretty soon the boys gather around the fire when Jeongin says 

“Guys theres only 9 chairs and 10 of us...”

“I’ll just sit on the sand.” I say as I get ready to sit in the sand.

“Y/N, just sit on my lap” Changbin says quietly as you didn’t hear him walk up behind you

“Nono Binnie it’s fine I-”

“No excuses, now come on” he says as he drags me with my hand in his.

While I’m sure no one saw that encounter, I’m pretty sure they see the huge blush that has crept across my face.  Sure I’ve sat on changbins lap before, we do it when theres movie night at Woojins place.  It’s nothing new between us but my feelings for Changbin push through my mind and soon enough, I’m sitting on his lap trying to make myself comfy on his thighs.  Changbin casually snakes his hands across my waist and i suddenly freeze up.  Well thats new, he normally never does that. I try to relax my body and for some reason, it feels natural.  I suddenly feel safe in his arms. 

“Does anyone know when this whole comet thing will come??” Minho says as the music plays in the background.

“According to my phone, it says that we’ll be able to see it pass through around 10 or so.” Felix says as he looks it up on his phone.

“Well since we have time to kill, how about a friendly game of truth or dare?” Hyunjin adds to the conversation.

the group and I nod our heads in agreement as the game of truth or dare starts.

“Seungmin, Truth or dare?” Hyunjin starts off.

“Dare” Seungmin says non chalantly.

“I dare you to run into the ocean with your shoes on” hyunjin says while everyone giggles

“Really? I just bought these shoes ughhhhh” Seungmin sighs as he gets up from his chair and runs towards the water

“I hate this i hate this i hate this” he says as everyone by the fire laughs hysterically 

Once he returns back to the shore where the fire pit is, he takes off his shoes and sits down with a huff.

“alright lets see, Y/N truth or dare?” He says as his eyes direct towards me and changbin.  

I’m not one to play these games so i decided to play it safe

“Truth” i say

“BOOORRRRRINGGGGGGG” Han says from the other side of the fire

“Hmm, when was the last time you kissed a boy?” he says and the group falls silent

Shit, when was the last time i kissed someone? well besides my cat Lucifer i don’t think i’ve ever kissed anyone? Do I lie and say last week? or do I tell the truth and say no one?

“uhhh never” I say in a quiet voice as everyone eyes are glued to me still.  I can feel Changbins gaze on me as he tenses up a little bit, squeezing his arms a little tighter around me

“You really haven’t kissed anyone? Not even that kid you were seeing last semester?” Changbin whispers into my ear

“No we went on two dates and he was a total square and was really boring, he never initiated anything anyways” I say back

“Alrighty Y/N, you can ask a truth or dare or have someone else pick” Seungmin says as he waits for my response

“uhm, Changbin can pick who goes next” I say as I look down at the sand, my feet becoming more interesting

“Can I dare myself?” Changbin says as the group shares a puzzled look with eachother. It’s quiet for a moment before Chan says

“I mean it’s not a rule that you can’t do it but I guess go ahead buddy”

“Alright, I dare myself that I go on a walk with Y/N for a bit. You guys can keep playing” he says and I perk my head up and turn around facing him, giving him a puzzled look.

“Why would you wanna dare yourself to do something so casual?” I say as I get up off of his lap. My waist feeling empty as I grew used to having Changbins arms wrapped around me

“It was beginning to get boring anyways, plus my leg fell asleep from you sitting on it” he chuckles

As we two walk away from the guys who are giggling and laughing, their voices become faint as all I hear are the waves crashing along the shore. It’s peaceful, it’s quiet, and it’s just Changbin and I.

It’s silent for a few minutes before Changbin exhales and stops for a moment to look at the water and the stars up in the sky.

“How come you never told me you haven’t kissed anyone? Cmon Y/N we’ve been friends for years. We tell eachother everything” Changbin says and I look over at the water avoiding his eye contact

“I just didn’t think it was that big of a deal. How lame is it that I haven’t even had my first kiss and my younger sister has for gods sake? I sound like a loser saying it. It’s easy for you to say, I bet you boast to the boys on how many girls fling themselves at you.” I say with a hint of jealousy at the end.

“I don’t think it’s lame y/n, you’re just saving yourself for someone special. And no I do not brag to the boys about “all the girls I get” when in reality I have a different girl in mind.” He says as he goes and steps in front of me. Faces inches away from each other.

I take a few steps back to get some space between us. He’s acting different. It seems like this girl is really sweet from the sounds of it. I try not to act jealous when I start to ask about her

“Who’s this special girl in mind huh? How come you never brought this up to me? Do I approve of her?” I start to spit fire questions at Changbin before he starts talking again.

“I’ve never brought it up to you because I don’t want to ruin anything that I already have with her. I’ve been so nervous to fully confess my feelings because there’s that thought in the back of my mind that maybe she doesn’t like me back.” Changbin rambles when you cut him off

“Why don’t you man up and do it already? I mean the worst thing she could say is no right? Who knows, maybe she does like you back.” I say and Changbin blurts out

“I like you a lot y/n, like a lot a lot”

Holy shit

Seo Changbin, my best friend of 11 years

Just confessed

That he likes me????

“I- I- really? You’re kidding right? Changbin don’t play with my feelings-“ I say before he cuts me off

“Y/n I’m serious, I’ve liked you for a long time and I didn’t know how you would feel, but I know it was stupid of me to confess you know? I probably ruined everything and now our friendship is ruined and nothing will ever be the same again and I-“ before he rambles himself into oblivion i cut him off.

“The feelings mutual binnie, I’ve liked you for god knows how long” i say as he looks up at me.

“I’ve liked you since that day when I jumped off the jungle gym in 3rd grade and you helped me to the nurses office. I’ve always had those feelings for you but I always pushed them back in my head because who knows how you would feel right? So whenever you went and saw other girls it made me the slightest bit jealous. Always wondering if that could be us someday. So then I went on dates with guys but nothing lasted for more than one date. They weren’t you Changbin. It was always you” I say so fast i almost run out of breath

We look at eachother for a few moments before Changbin wraps one of his arms around my waist, taking his other and tucking a few strands of loose hair behind my ear. We look at each other for a few moments as my hands snake up around his neck, definitely a feeling I could get used too. His eyes go from my eyes, down to my lips, then back up to my eyes.

“Since you never had your first kiss, may I?” Changbin says as he’s looking at me like I’m the finest piece of art in the world. Taking in everyone of my features.

“I’d thought you’d never ask” I say with a grin.

He closes the distance between us and both of our eyes close. His lips are warm and soft. Although I’ve never kissed anyone before I start to follow his lead and mirror what he’s doing. It’s a slow and adoring kiss. Not anything fast or sensual. We take our time to see how our lips mold into one another. We break away for a few moments and Changbin puts his forehead on mine.

“You know for not kissing anyone, it seems like you knew what you were doing” he says with a childish grin

“Eh from all the rom coms I’ve watched I feel like I had a good grasp of what I was doing” I say back before he kisses me again. 

I kiss him as if he’s going to disappear from me, pretty soon he has both of his hands around my waist, squeezing my sides earning a quiet yelp from me.  We break away the kiss again and i see him look up in the sky.

“Y/n there it is!!! It’s the comet” he says as he turns me around, hugging me from behind. His chin rests gently on my shoulder as we look at the comet pass by.  

“I don’t think I’ve seen anything more jaw dropping than this before” I say as i look closely at the comet passing by.

“Oh trust me princess, this comet is pretty. but nothing will compare to you” he says as he pecks my neck with kisses.

“We should probably go back before the guys round up a search party for us.” i say while leaving his touch and grab his hand, heading back to the crazy bunch of boys.

Once we make our way back to the gang they look at us with questioning looks, we’re both smiling like idiots and our hands are intertwined.

“What took you guys so long??? You missed the comet, you should’ve seen it!” Jeongin says

“Do i even wanna know what happened?” Chan says, raising a brow at us.

“Don’t worry guys, we stopped and saw the comet too. Nothing crazy happened.” Changbin says with a sheepish grin and I start giggling 

“Did you two confess to one another yet? I’ve been waiting for this.” Hyunjin says as the boys nod their heads in agreement.

“Yeah Bin, did you finally grow a set and confess? I was getting sick of the late night texts saying “ooooo im in L word my guy” “bro she looks so good today”- UGH” Han continues to ramble while Felix elbows him in the gut. 

Changbin and I look at each other and start laughing, he leans down and pecks me on the lips. Earning a few “awws” and an “ew” from Jeongin.

“Does that answer everyones questions?”  Changbin says as we sit back down by the fire. 

We sit back down and start chatting at the fire, talking about the comet and small talk in between. For the first time in my life, I feel content with everything. Content with these 8 crazy boys I can call my friends. And Changbin, everything feels so right finally. It feels like all the puzzle pieces have been put together

Changbin was my missing puzzle piece. 

And now the puzzle is complete.

[btsandvmin]

Collection of asks 2 - BTSandVMIN

I had to make a second one because the length of the first one was getting way too long. If you are curious about some of my older asks here is the link to my first collection post - Collection of asks - BTSandVMIN

I have this post because I feel some of the asks I answer are worth saving, for me personally, and perhaps for you as well. But I don’t want to put them all in my Masterpost where I want to keep it a bit more structured for my longer posts and analysis. So for asks that are more about answering specific questions or about general things or my feelings I will put them here.

Asks are written more in the moment than my usual posts, so they might be less accurate as it’s all mostly from the top of my head. The newest ones will actually be on top, and then they will get older going down the list. I’ll update it regularly as I answer more asks. :)

Look at jhope's interaction with maknae line

Sorry for spamming with asks

You're so right about how any ship can be possible if you focus on it

I reject any idea of a couple being pushed to protect another 

What do you think of vmin’s busan forehead kiss?

About tae changing the choreo of fake love

What do you think of that famous ji/kook trip together ?

"Friends" doesn't speak about a friendship to me and the title seems like a way to "hide" the true meaning. Thoughts?

I honestly do feel his "best" friend is only ever needed when it's convenient to him

When j/k wore matching shirts asked them something like are u guys dating Its so differnt from his rn to vmin

Looking at th and jm for what they are or represented to be their bond shouldn't be taken at face value. Just reminding that jealousy amongst bandmates do exist

Jimin kissed tae on the pretext of kissing tanny. tae blanked out for a few secs after that

Jin in Jimins Festa profile this yr called Tae his "Bf" and then the next word is "best friend"

I dont think vmin or any other ship in bts for that matter are in any form of relationship right now.

Kind of agree with vmin not spending much time together outside of work & things they do/say barely even give off that "possibly a couple" vibe in general

IF feelings are involved, who do you think fell first and why? 

You already said that you ship them, but do you think that they're real?

I found it kinda weird how jimin apparently "didn't know" 4 o'clock was inspired by him

Have u seen that one radio interview in the past Th openly called out jm for liking men? 

We never see them hangout tgt I mean we have seen ji/kook tgt more often and tae with his wooga squad

What did you think about jimin playing the video game using tae's acc while the latter looked from behind?

When tae posted 'lets keep going for a long time i only have u' they probably only knew e/o for about 2 yrs and now we also know that at that time they still argued and fought with e/o alot. Yet they felt so strongly for their frienship.

What are your thoughts about tae choosing " my time " to recommend it to a non army.

If we look at their personalities tae is more of introverted and shy these days while jimin is more outgoing and loud. But when it comes the them jimin is always the one who seems cautious

Is it my imagination or is Jimin VERY loud lately? I feel like the roles have somehow been reversed.

The timeline of the dumpling incident really confuses me. 

Why do i feel like vmin dont hangout outside of work anymore

Just read your ji/kook vs vmin post regarding festa and I agree. you can tell that jm gets very serious when it comes to tae

A possible sexual relationship between Jimin and Tae. I've seen subtle hints where this might be happening behind the scenes like the recent bang bang con

Whenever joon says stuff like 'what a nice friendship/bcoz he is your friend' vmin have a very neutral or blank face

When do you think their friendship turned into something more?

Did u see how tae coloured jimin's name on the soft board with purple. 

Jimin recently in this festa says jk is his soul brother

Nj nearly always tries to underplay vmin's bond.

Sweet Night: “Sharing my fragile truth That I still hope the door is open Door' 

I feel like jimin was reluctant to talk about the dumpling incident probably bcoz it involves him getting drunk?

Your opinion on the whole "that's smth a couple would do" "you two look like a couple" for ji/kook vs "it's cause he's your friend "

What ur opinion is on the new kdrama that is based on homosexuality. 

Tae has many a times mentioned wanting to have kids or wanting to be father.

Taehyung has always talked about having a family, children and wife etc. 

I personally feel the maknae line in general have been advised not to do lives alone tgt bcoz of the intense shipping

I spend hours reading your posts and I could never get tired of it

I have a doubt about vmin  recently V is so close to JK it seems like V avoiding jimin

Taehyung talked about the movie Call Me by Your Name and its soundtrack

I honestly like how unpopular vmin are.

Let's say JM and TH have other partners - do you think said partners would be okay with a whole song of vmin declaring each other as soulmates? 

In the end there is no moment that is unique to a ship. do you agree?

Some vlives are arranged by the company and sometimes members themselves when the find free time they go live. 

What was the point of making a decision tght to come on vlive tgh infront of the fan to then not do it?

It cant be the company stopping v and jm from doing a live can it? 

Do you the think the reason vmin dont do vlive is because taehyung's feelings are one sided?

Theory on a possible reason on why vmin has not gone to do a vlive on their own for so long?

On bon voyage 3 j hope mentions how v and jk were hugging each other in their sleep.

Ji/kook is obvious (ear nibble) and Tae reacting blank to Vmin moments

But why they dont have funny bro handshake like v/kook?

You are so delusional like seriously how do you function in real life

You know how vmin called eo soulmates. The term can also be taken in a platonic way too right

If there’s a real ship in bts, can you give me your opinion on who?

Tae kissing jimin's cheek after they won an award in some music show (About ship edits)

I think vmin is real. Can you do a Sweet night analysis because in my opion the song dosen't match with the drama

Why are you a Vmin shipper if you don't think Jimin is gay or at least bisexual? 

I don't blame V and Jimin for not doing Vlive together

You know that blurry picture of vmin in 2014?

Tae and jk seem like the members who are most non straight to u and also that jimin might be straight so then isnt it more possible for t**k***k to be the couple?

Do you think that vmin are straight?

Can you tell me what makes you think jk is not straight

Ppl connect sweet night and 4 o' clock with vmin After tae's live yesterday n i m also seeing some ppl being offended by it.

Why do I sense that Tae has more of crush on Jimin (and realized it) but Jimi is oblivious?

Will you still publish that long vmin and lgbt in korea analysis.

Even namjoon said they should go live to discuss about their song.

I dont really consider minjoon vlive as one they did themselves. it was mostly organised by the company

Maknae line avoid vlives and  its really weird that jimi would do it with rm but not tae

Shouldnt it be easy for them to go live tght than anyone else?

Tae is very reluctant or scared to do a vlive with jimin

In the past month when vmin did mention about the song they just made superficial comments

Hi 💙 do you write vmin fics?

I also feel that jm is nervous to talk about the song even though he said he will in the comeback show

If jimin doesn't go live today as well maybe we can get a vmin live?

Vmin antis say vmin are not friends irl and use the fact that they are never spotted hanging out offscreen as "proof"

Will you do a Vmin throwback - 2019?

Can we even be considered delulu anymore for thinking not all of this is a coincidence?

Sweet night doesn't really fit the couple relationship in the drama

What do you mean when you say 'not being delulu'?

I dont know why after listening to sweet night i feel very nervous?

Maybe the lyrics to SN are very well just about the drama/webtoon.

Do you think the songs lie and stigma are related ? 

Namjoon talking about Friends 2 - Making excuses

Namjoon talking about Friends 1 - Can’t write about them

About the “Hello my alien” line in Friends

Do you think they gone do fansing this period of promoting?

Jm said when he wants to make and gift a song if he finds someone he loves and he actually helped write n produce the melody of chingu

Omg Ive been crying over the vmin song lyrics ever since they came out.

Thoughts about the song and what you took out of it

Its not a light hearted thing to call each other soulmate

This kind of debunks the christmas song theory… i feel sad like they are commercialising their friendship

Jimin is partly involved in the making and it will be about Jimin and Tae’s bond

I fear that vmin will become the next larry 

Chrismats song, smile awards. Arent those awards previously decided and even the words written for them by the company?

I was wondering if you're going to write something about bv4 and all the vmin we got there

Do you think that vmin say they love each other truly or for fan service?

Recently i watched a vkook video to compare

Do you know how exactly vmin met?

Whenever I do get the chance to focus on Vmin it’s usully one of three things

At the airport Tae had his arm around Jimin's shoulder but removed it quickly when they arrived in front of the cameras.

I don’t care if people don’t ship Vmin romantically. But with Vmin doing things like this you can’t really blame us if we do.

I got a looooot of asks on the Christmas song and I will adress the ones I have left all in one go

The reaction in bv was probably cause he wants to visits there and jm got there first

Vmin talked about tannie and how they went to visit tannie at tae's parents house

Just do it how you feel comfortable, we are waiting for your analysis

What video is the gif you post with this : Jimin and V talking about going to the Sapporo snow festival and playing in the snow together 

This break was an opportunity for them to be around other friends and family so maybe they just wanted to spend this time apart

Do you really think vm are soulmates? Sometimes i feel like we might be over using this word for them 

Once again thank you for all the asks you send! And also sorry for not being able to keep up and answer them all. I’ll try to answer some old ones as well whenever I can, and I will keep adding some of them to this list. I hope you found something interesting. Thanks for reading!

[starryeyedsweetheart]

Denial is the First Step

Author: @starryeyedsweetheart​

Pairing: Stiles Stilinski & Reader

Word Count: 3578

Notes: first story in a while, first stiles fic ever, first writing piece ive been proud about in a while so enjoy ;)

“I don’t know what you see you in him,” Lydia says from her perched position on the locker beside mine. She shakes her head and makes a disapproving sound before muttering something along the lines of how sketchy Stiles Stilinski is. “Have you ever seen that kid without Scott McCall? It’s like he only exists because his best friend is his life source.”

“I think I saw Stiles in the woods once without him,” I reply while attempting to take out a textbook form the bottom of the pile that is my mess of a locker. Struggling a bit, I look up to my friend Lydia, who could only peer at Stiles from above her magazine, almost like she didn’t want him to think he’s worthy enough to be looked at by her.

“Of course you saw him,” she mutters to herself. “You were probably looking for him.”

I pull the book from the bottom a binder and a couple notebooks tumbling out along with it. The loud sound causes some people to turn and stare, but I could only gawk at Lydia. “I went for a run. I was not looking for him.”

“You’re always looking for him.”

“I am not!”

“I just want you to admit you like him.”

“I don’t,” I tell her for what feels like the thousandth time this week. Lydia would always taunt me over this crush I had for the most spastic boy in school, but I would always deny it. I mean, whatever feelings I have for this kid cannot be...real.

After shoving the fallen school supplies back into my locker for them to fall out another time, I look over my shoulder to see Stiles still standing at the end of the hallway with his best friend Scott. His pink lips were pulled into a dopey smile, his happiness causing my heart to skip a beat. Even from down the corridor, I could hear his angelic laughter and the beautiful melody of it. Stiles’s hand clasps down on Scott’s shoulder as the pair chortle like they were in their own world. He wipes away a tear from how hard he was laughing, and I could feel an army of butterflies spaz in my stomach.

“You’re pathetic, Y/N.” Lydia’s voice snaps me out of my daydreaming. As she looks at me, her lips were pursed and her magazine was now hugged to her chest so she could give me her full attention.

“I don’t like him like that,” I repeat. My friend opens her mouth, about to say something snarky before she looks over me and smirks.

Following her gaze, I turn slightly to see Stiles walk down the hallway, a grin plastered to his face as he fiddles with the strap of his backpack. My breath hitches in my throat and I feel my palms turn sweaty against my books as his brown eyes suddenly meet mine. In that one small moment, it feels like time stops. Never in my life have I felt my heart slow down and speed up all at once. It was like I didn’t know what to feel, but I did know it felt right to have his eyes focused on me, despite the nervousness bubbling inside of me.

And just like that, time went back to normal and his eyes pass over me. Before he disappears around the corner, he turns his head one more time, a nervous smile playing with the corner of his mouth before leaving completely.

Lydia nudges me as soon as he’s gone. “Oh my God, he just looked at you.”

“Oh wow. We made eye contact. I think that means a marriage proposal is on its way,” I say, voice dripping with sarcasm. I shut my locker and Lydia rolls her eyes.

“We’re gonna look for him after school.”

“Um, no. No, we are not.”

I turn quickly and start to walk down the same way Stiles went. I had to get to my English class before I get another late and end up in detention. Lydia follows.

“Why not? You like him, don’t you?” I shake my head at her words. “Isn’t this what best friends our age do? Stalk the boys they like?”

“When has stalking ever been okay?” I question incredulously.

I’m about to walk into class, spotting Stiles sitting in his usual seat. He wasn’t looking at me, as if waiting for me to walk in. Somehow that causes some disappointment to settle in the pit of my stomach. I really shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up over five seconds of eye contact. Before I could make my way towards my seat, Lydia grabs me by my forearm and drags me out of class, earning a small yelp from me as she hides me from Stiles’s line of vision.

“Look, I know you’re not going to admit it, but let’s hang out. Maybe I can drive us somewhere,” she offers.

I narrow my eyes at her, knowing she must have some underlying intention, for Lydia was never the one to just drop something so quickly.

“We only ever hang out at one of our houses. Why would you need to drive us somewhere?” I ask suspiciously.

The bell rings above us, signalling the beginning of class.

“Just let me drive you to this cool new hangout.”

“I’m onto you, Lyds.”

“There’s no need for that.”

“With you, there’s always a need-”

“Ms. Y/L/N,” both our necks snap to my English teacher and his disapproving expression from down the hall. “You’re late to class.”

“I’m standing outside of your classroom!” I argue before he shakes his head. His potato sized nose and balding head shine in the awful lighting of our high school’s hallway. Just his presence was enough to irk me. Rolling my eyes, I say, “You’re not even in your own classroom yet.”

Suddenly, both our eyes widen, knowing what we have to do. Leaving Lydia, I sprint to the inside of the room, beating Mr. Lennon by one second. His body almost crashes into mine as I release a breath of relief, knowing he can’t possibly mark me late.

“You’re a clever one, Ms. Y/L/N,” my teacher remarks as I slide into my seat next to Stiles. “I’ll get you in detention sooner or later.” He glares at me before turning to his chalkboard and mumbling some insults underneath his peanut-smelling breath.

Feeling some eyes on me, I feel the need to look around, only to be surprised to see Stiles staring at me. Before our eyes could meet, he jumps in his seat before turning his attention back to the board, but I still can’t help but smile to myself because maybe him looking at me does mean something.

---

“Lydia Martin, you fiend,” I exhale as she parks her car in between some trees in the Beacon Hills Reserve. After driving for fifteen minutes, I finally realize where she was taking me and why she was taking us here to spend our afternoon.

Rolling her eyes, Lydia begins to rummage through her bag. “He won’t know that we’re here. We’ll just be another car in the woods,” she attempts to reason.

I gape at her. “Cars aren’t meant to be in the woods, Lyds!”

“We’re on a hill. If anything he’ll just assume we’re a bunch of horny teenagers having sex in a nice secluded space.” Lydia’s plump lips suddenly curl into a smirk before she looks over at me. I furrow my brows at her and continue to gawk as she quickly pulls out what she had been looking for in her bag.

“Binoculars?!” I squeak.

Lydia nods her head excitedly before peering into them. I could only lean back in my chair and cover my face with my hands. Becoming best friends with Lydia Martin has been a rollercoaster from start to finish. I moved to Beacon Hills my freshman year of high school and she ever so kindly took me under her wing. She is not as conceited or rude or bitchy as anyone says, but this girl is fucking crazy. No. Insane.

In the three year span of our friendship, I have egged her ex-boyfriend’s porsche and snuck out of my bedroom window (more so plummet to my death) to go to some rager at someone’s house. But that’s where I met Stiles for the first time.

Parties were something I only attended because I was forced to. This reluctance to go started at a young age where I wouldn’t want to go to some girl’s seventh birthday party and somehow it evolved to not wanting to go to some houseparty just for the sake of a Friday night.

Lydia was one of those people who enjoyed having a good time and getting people out of their comfort zones, so that’s why I’m currently sitting on someone’s kitchen island, hesitantly sipping whatever drink Lydia concocted in the thirty second span she was by my side. At the moment, my knee was aching a bit because I fell out of my bedroom window. The thump should have woken up my parents, along with Lydia’s cackling, but somehow we got out safe and sound.

“Hey, do you, um….like do you wanna….what’s the word?”

Looking to my side, I see a tall kid with baby blue eyes and messy, blonde hair. He was well built and brooding over me as he tries to recall what he wanted to say to me. After many encounters with teenage boys, I was just hoping he wasn’t going to ask me to-

“Not hook up or anything.” I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding in. He sways to and fro before his head crashes onto my shoulder for support. I awkwardly grab him by the bicep to help him stand straight, but I was nervous that he might fall in the other direction if I finally got him to stand up. “I just wanna...I wanna go to bed.”

“You and me, both,” I grumble.

“M’name’s-”

“Isaac!”

“Yes, that’s me!” His head shoots up, his forehead almost knocking straight into my chin. Instead, his long excuse of an arm flails around and hits my cup right out of my hand and somehow, the drink misses me completely.

Standing in the doorway of the kitchen was a lanky, scrawny boy who I recognized from my Chemistry class. His brown hair was buzzed and the moles that littered his skin reminded me of the constellations in the sky. His eyes were a warm honey color and I couldn’t help but swoon as he says, “Run off like that again and I’m strangling you with one of your stupid scarves.”

“But...I love my scarves.”

“You’re the only one that does.” I couldn’t help but laugh at that, finally getting the boy, whose name was Stiles, to look at me with a shocked expression. “Oh, sorry about Isaac. He’s just...really dumb.”

“I’m drunk, not deaf,” his friend says before attempting to swing at the pale boy slowly coming into the kitchen.

“Okay, let’s get you home so you can stop bothering the pretty girl,” Stiles mutters, eyes widening when he realized what he said. He looks over to me, wondering if I heard it, which I did. Only, I give him a small smile, as if I wasn’t paying attention. He sighs to himself before throwing one of Isaac’s arm over his shoulder and dragging him out. “Sorry about this big oaf. I’d tell you he’s better sober, but he’s probably worse.”

Isaac smacks Stiles straight in the chest, causing the latter to gasp for air after being winded from that strong hit. “You’re lucky our asses are friends or else I would have let you embarrass yourself more at this party,” Stiles mutters.

“Being seen with you right now is an embarrassment,” Isaac retorts.

This triggers Stiles and him to bicker all throughout leaving the kitchen. As soon as the door behind them closes, the sound of their voices are faint, but I still feel my heart racing in my chest. Suddenly, my eyes widen and I rest a hand over my chest to steady my erratic heartbeat.

Please do not tell me that I might like this kid. My palms sweat and heart races and I can’t help but succumb into the warm feeling in my chest.

Thankfully, Lydia barges in, a glare on her face when noticing my missing drink. Before she could proceed with her lecturing, her mouth suddenly drops into a shocked expression. Then, she crosses her arms over her chest and smirks.

“Did you just meet a boy?” she tauntingly asks me. Before I could question how she knows everything seconds after it happens, Lydia squeals and says, “Oh my God. Tell. Me. Everything.”

“Look! There’s his car!” Lydia shouts, pointing at the distance. She tries to hand me the binoculars, but finding this situation extremely odd, I swat at her. I cannot believe I’m seriously sitting in a car, at the top of a hill, overlooking the town forest, so I can spy on this boy. “Oh…” Lydia mumbles, looking into her magnifiers. “He’s with a girl.”

I snatch the binoculars out of her hand and quickly look into it, only to find Stiles hop out of his blue Jeep with Scott coming out on the other side. “There’s no girl,” I say, now trying to look in the backseat.

“There is no girl. I just wanted you to look,” Lydia smiles. Slowly, I retract myself from the binoculars, squinting at Lydia with a lethal glare. She only beams at me before grabbing another pair out of her bag. “We won’t be here for long.”

Rolling my eyes, I allow myself to submit to the craziness of this all and watch Scott and Stiles set up lacrosse nets. From the five minutes Lydia and I have been watching, we assume that they’re just here to practice their sport. Scott was forcing Stiles to run up and down a hill, and wow, watching that boy sweat had me feeling some type of way.

“This is really how we’re spending our Wednesday night. I can’t believe this,” I say after putting down the binoculars. I reach into my own bag and grab a bag of chips to eat.

Once I open the bag, Lydia reaches her perfectly manicured hands in and pops a couple chips in her mouth before resuming her watching. “Well, we gotta get you two together somehow.”

“For the last time, I don’t have feelings for Stiles.”

“Denial is always the first step, sweetie.”

“Then, that means I’ve been in denial for a year now. I’ve only talked to him like twice.”

“Well, let’s make it three. And then four. And then five. And then until death do us part,” Lydia shrugs. She had put her binoculars down so we could prop our feet on her dashboard and just eat chips, listen to the radio, and chill out with the windows down.

“Maybe I should try talking to him more. I’m a good person. I deserve nice things,” I decide. Lydia nods, her strawberry blonde hair swaying against her cheeks as the wind blows through the car. I think for a moment, and then a feeling of dread overcomes me and I shake my head. “Just kidding. Nope. I cannot talk to him. I refuse.”

Lydia leans over and smacks me upside the head. “Get your head out of your own ass.”

“My head is out of my ass!”

After shaking her head at me, she picked up her stupid pair of binoculars, but instantly dropped them in front of her chair in a frantic fashion. “Shit. Shit. Shit,” Lydia chants like a mantra, trying to get her spy gadget out from underneath her chair.

Sitting up, my back now rigid, I look into my own pair of binoculars and find only Scott. The car was still there, but Stiles was nowhere to be found, which means...he could be anywhere. “Shit, fuck, shit,” I chant along with Lydia as she’s still bent over trying to find her binoculars.

“Oh my God. Oh my God,” Lydia keeps repeating as I’m frantically buckling my seatbelt.

I take another look, expecting the car to be gone, but then I see Stiles climbing up the hill, a look of confusion on his face when he spots our car and never in my life have I felt my heart drop faster than it did in that moment.

“Lydia,” I freak out. “Start the car.”

“My binoculars!”

“GET THEM LATER!”

As soon as her head pops back up, her green eyes instantly meet Stiles, who was close enough to be seen without binoculars now. “Oh fuck!” she screams. She turns the key to the ignition. The engine sputters. The car doesn’t start. Stiles is now jogging towards us.

“Lydia, he’s coming closer.” I’m practically choking on my spit and slamming my hand against the dashboard.

“The car won’t start!”

“Should we run?” I ask frantically.

“I’m in heels!”

“It’s survival of the fittest now, Lyds.”

Both our heads turn to see Stiles closer now and I’m literally about to scream. I feel like George Washington during the Battle of Bunker Hill, where I could honestly see the whites of his eyes. He’s that close. I’m going to scream. I’m throwing my body off this hill right now.

Lydia tries to start it again. It makes a weird sound and I feel a piece of my soul leave my body. I release a strangled cry and Lydia hits her steering wheel.

“Y/N, I’m trying!”

“Oh my God!” I whisper shout when he’s about ten feet from our car.

I duck my head down, almost slamming my forehead against the dashboard. Lydia turns the key one more time and as soon as it starts, we both scream in praise to whatever higher being was on our side that day. Lydia harshly grabs the joystick and slams it into Reverse. Before her foot could even touch the gas pedal, a sweaty body shows up by my window and the two of us scream bloody murder.

“Hi,” Stiles greets with his boy next door smile. Lydia and I could only gawk at him as we try to steady our heavy breathing and racing hearts.

“H-Hi,” I stutter, awkwardly fixing my shirt for any weird wrinkles. I could feel Lydia radiating excitement from beside me. Oh my God, I can feel my stomach starting to do an Olympics worthy gymnastics act from inside of me.

Stiles smiles a warm grin at me, his fingers holding onto the car door. He nervously chews on his bottom lip, his brown hair dripping in sweat, and his chest still vigorously moving up and down from jogging up the hill. I can’t help but smile back and even release some sort of exasperated laugh from the circumstances.

“Do you wanna go out sometime?” he suddenly asks me, his amber eyes twinkling as he spoke.

My jaw drops and I could barely make out a reply. My tongue must have atrophied or something because all I could do was nod and let out the most strangled excuse of a chuckle.

“Is that a yes?” Stiles questions with a worried expression.

Lydia leans over and says, “That’s a yes, Stiles.”

And just like the sun breaking through a bunch of clouds on a rainy day, Stiles beams at me. Despite Lydia talking to him, his eyes never left mine.

“Okay. Um, cool,” he says. He runs his fingers through his damp hair and laughs warmly. “How does Friday sound?”

“Um...erm…”

“Friday sounds great,” Lydia intervenes once again, to which I am so thankful for.

“Maybe this time we won’t have a drunk Isaac bothering the two of us?” Stiles jokes.

Due to my slow reaction time and stuttering replies, his face drops. He probably thinks that I don’t remember our first encounter from last year, but I do. Lydia tilts her head to the side, having no idea what we’re talking about, so I just smile and nod my head.

“That was a good time though,” I finally find the courage to say.

Stiles’s lips tug into a warm grin before nodding his head. “The best time.” He nibbles on his bottom lip before saying, “So, I’ll pick you up at seven?”

“I’ll be ready,” I say.

Stiles nods before we both hear Scott calling him back down to finish his training. Stiles bids us a goodbye before jogging back down the hill and leaving Lydia and I to stare at each other in shock before screaming.

“What the fuck was that?” I gawk, placing a hand over my forehead.

Lydia only throws her head back in laughter before grinning at me brightly. “That’s the third time! And Friday will be the fourth. And then the fifth. And then…”

“Death do us part,” I finish for her, causing her to squeal.

“See, I knew you liked him. I knew that all of your refusal to talk to him was just you trying to hide your feelings,” Lydia claims.

“Well,” I peer over the dashboard to look out at Stiles who finally got to the bottom and high-fived Scott like he just won the biggest game of the season. My heart flutters within my chest. “Denial is the first step.”

[preciousnerd]

A “should we know us a little better” tag
RULES: you must answer these 92 statements and tag 20 people 
Tagged by @lil-loki THE LAST: 
 1. Drink: mountain dew 
2. Phone call: my dad whoops  
3. Text message: kasey!! 
 4. Song you listened to: uuhhhh Youre Mine by Lola Marsh 5. Time you cried: idk probably like,,3 days ago? 
6. Dated someone twice: yes, with multiple people but also with the guy I’m with now!  
7. Kissed someone and regretted it: maaany times lma o 8. Been cheated on: yes multiple times  9. Lost someone special: of course, who hasn’t? 
 10. Been depressed: lmao yeah  11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: nope!  LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS:
 12-14: seafoam green, pastelier blues ? and uuhh,,purple because it reminds me of kasey  IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU:
 15. Made new friends: uhhh ye s I met Lana and Ty through our mutual hate of Kaleb!!  
16. Fallen out of love: nope I dont think so  
17. Laughed until you cried: probably pft 18. Found out someone was talking about you: in a bad way,,? Ig I did last night??? Idk I dont pay a lot of attention to that stuff  19. Met someone who changed you: in the past year,,no I haven’t  20. Found out who your friends are: I guess i found that out earlier than this past year so,,,no?  
21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: Cody isnt in my facebook list smh so no GENERAL: 
22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: uh,,,two of them i think?? kasey and my sister??  
23. Do you have any pets: two dogs atm but ive had more in the past  
24. Do you want to change your name: yes a million times yes
 25. What did you do for your last Birthday: uh nothing? We went to dinner downtown and ate cake and opened presents in my sisters dorm room  
26. What time did you wake up: at like 12:45 whoops  
27. What were you doing at midnight last night: uuhhh either watching youtube or playing gay wars with reb  
28. Name something you can’t wait for: for my boyfriend to not be be going through absolute hell in his life  
29. When was the last time you saw your mom: like a minute ago she walked in and talked to me about who was playing a new autistic doctor in a show  30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: i wish i could change how codys life was going rn!!!  
31. What are you listening right now: nothing other than the distant sound of The Chew playing in the living room  32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: no? i dont think so 
33. Something that is getting on your nerves: when I dont think before I act and it causes other people to get hurt  
34. Most visited Website: idk probably youtube or hangouts  35. Mole/s: u  h none  36. Mark/s: some single lonely freckles on my arms,legs,feet, and hands, a really dark birthmark on my back, a lot of scars on my legs and arms and hands, stretch marks on my back and i,,,think thats it???  37. Childhood dream: idk small me probably wanted a husband/boyfriend and to not work and be a stay at home mom because thats what i grew up thinking i needed to be but that has changed lm ao 38. Hair color: uh its naturally dark brown but rn the shaved part is brown and the long part is blonde  
39. Long or short hair: definitely short but the longer part is very floofy :> 
40. Do you have a crush on someone: yeye my boyfriend 
41. What do you like about yourself: uh?? i really like my hair?? thats the main thing ig, and my hip/collar bones are nice  42. Piercings: lmao no never again 
43. Bloodtype: who actually knows this about themselves  44. Nickname: u h idk my sister calls me Arooooon (pronounced like,,maroon), some people call me hecker, i think my new nickname for loki was turdsnot, or we could change it too rufus, and kasey and my boyfriend call me a bunch of cute things like hun or babe or whatever but idk its hard to keep track of 45. Relationship status: taken 
46. Zodiac: aries 
 47. Pronouns: they/them 48. Favorite TV Show: hmmm..probably like,,jojos even though thats an anime  
49. Tattoos: i dont have any but i want them real bad  
50. Right or left hand: left for writing and eating stuff but i use my right for some things ?  
51. Surgery: havent gone through surgery and the thought scares me  52. Piercing: smh i see you asking double questions  
53. Sport: not a sporty person but im interested in going into dance?? especially contemporary  55. Vacation: at this point its always to Texas to see my bf and best friend  56. Pair of trainers: what does this even mean?? shoes?? favorite shoes??? i really like my heels ig??? ? ?? ?  ?

MORE GENERAL: 
57. Eating: i was eating cinnamon toast crunch but i really want a rice bowl from a kobe place near me dfjfk 58. Drinking: mountain dew lmao 59. I’m about to: probably watch youtube and talk to kasey  
61. Waiting for: death?? but also my babe  62. Want: to move back to texas bluh  63. Get married: depends on who im with when i need to make that decision but im open to it and id definitely get married to cody in the future if he wanted  
64. Career: i dont really know anymore, body painter, special effects artist, journalist??artist??  something different?? idk! !  WHICH IS BETTER?: 
65. Hugs or kisses: uuhhh kisses but only with my bf  66. Lips or eyes: hmm..depends?? both are nice  67. Shorter or taller: both have their perks especially when dating either of them, like with cody he can pick me up and carry me around and i have to stand on my toes to kiss him and i love it but with shorter people they can sit in your lap and you can rest your head on theirs and bl uh idk bu t atm taller because i just want to be Held  
68. Older or younger: uuhh older cause im real young anyways but not like,,,too much older yknow,, 
70. Nice arms or nice stomach: uhh????? ?i dunno??? both are nice ig but neither are important to me?? ? 
71. Sensitive or loud: i dont know what this,,means?? like in a person??? it doesnt matter ig both have their perks and downsides to me 
72. Hook up or relationship: relationship, i cant stand the thought of hooking up with someone  
73. Troublemaker or hesitant: again, both are good and bad  HAVE YOU EVER: 
74. Kissed a stranger: not a complete stranger no but i wouldnt do it again  75. Drank hard liquor: lmao no ive only had a sip of a frozen daiquiri once  76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: i havent lost them to a point ive never found them but i slept with my glasses in my bed and couldnt find them for like an hour and cried about it after looking because i hated the feeling of not being able to see and it frustrated me a lot (this sounds like it happened when i was a small child but no it only happened like a year and a half ago)  77. Turned someone down: lmao yes ofc if i said yes to everyone who wanted to date me i would jump around so much and id hate it  78. Sex in the first date: uuhhhh questionably yes? but we had been dating for a long time before that it was just our first proper “go out and see each other” date cause we are long distance yknow  79. Broken someones heart: whoops yeah oh well  
80. Had your heart broken: yeyeye 81. Been arrested: lmAO n o 
82. Cried when someone died: yes  
83. Fallen for a friend: uuh yeah i guess thats what happened with jennie? but i wouldnt say i completely fell for her, ive only been in love once so idk, but i used to become interested in friends DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
 84. Yourself: lmao no not at all 85. Miracles: yes and no? but to keep it simple ill just stick with no  86. Love at first sight: uhhh i dont really know tbh, but i dont think i do 
87. Santa Claus: no :< 
88. Kiss in the first date: depends?? most of the time no tho 
89. Angels: dont believe in god so i dont believe in angels either whoops  OTHER:
 90. Current best friends name: kasey and cody 91. Eyecolor: brown 
92. Favorite movie(s): The Little Prince is one of my favorites, Song of the Sea, Moana, just a lot of animated kids movies are really g o od man  TAGGED: idk ig,,, @demonicfox15 ? sure you can do it kasey why not  this took me,,,so freaking long dkfmkmds

[selfdiscovery4me-blog]

11-5-17(First Post)

I’m doing this instead of doing my pre-calc homework because i feel like that class dosnt matter and i don't really care idk its fucking stupid i hate that teacher but i feel like he just wants kids to like him. Ive been with my girlfriend all weekend(The thought just occurred to me as how to address these from what perspective and to who, my self or an audience im doing this for myself but do i address it as if im telling a story? im not sure but thats how im going to make it seem like and we will see how that goes). I was with her and her mom, it was recently her birthday and she had a very shitty day, even though I and my Mom tried to make it better she still felt really shitty and was very upset and crying, i remember seeing her bring a blanket out of her room to wrap up and cry into and it hit me that idk like i just felt so bad like something was fucked up like i dont even know what it was but the fact that she had her blanket to comfort her maybe it was because she was cold and wanted to cuddle up but like idk it just struck me as odd and like it just seemed like thats what comforted her and like im just not even sure what to say about it, after us arguing too we finally were able to cuddle and hangout for a little bit with the dog biting us and playing around being annoying but being cute at the same time. I left feeling so confused like ive never felt before i cant explain the emotion that i felt after that like i dont know the vocabulary to put that feeling into words. It was really a mix of being sad, feeling helpless and just i was very unsure of the reasons everything was the way it was and i felt like the world was spinning around me and i was standing still watching it move it was extremely weird, I didn't know what to feel or anything. My girlfriend fell asleep, it was a very tiring day for her but i needed someone to talk to or be with so I asked my friend to come over. (Its almost as if feel 2 different range of emotions when im with my girlfriend and everyone else and they dont work together which almost always ends up bad) We hungout and just listed to music and talked, we went into the my hot tub with the kid who lives next to me. I have known him for a long time but he is kind of a shitty person and friend, weve been friends for so long but yet he switches up on me idk my girlfriend hates him because he talked shit about us and made stuff up about her. I guess im just used to it with him by now but she dosent like it and insists that i don’t be friends with him. Whenever i talk to her about it i alwys leave feeling like yeah fuck him i dont wanna be his friend but then when i see him or talk to him like i just wanna be his friend idk why if its just easy or what like hes in my friend group and not a bad person to be around, he dosent talk shit about her or us anymore around me anyway because whenever he does i continue to make him feel like shit about things he does for the rest of the day which now i dont have to do because he dosent talk. Anyway yeah i had nick over and we smoked and today Alex found out about it that i had him over, she made me promise not to hangout with my friends but i made the promise almost knowing that i wasent going to hold it yet i still continue to tell her that. She balled her eyes out today after finding that out, i apparently broke her trust again. I still love her but i want to hangout with my friends i want to go to parties :/ im so inlove with her like i cant bring myself to break up with her like i love her and it fucking sucks because our relationship is going toxic i guess and i really need to probably get out of it before i destory everything i have or had even more but i cant bring myself to do it. I think about things and like i wish everything would just go away that would make it so much easier, if she would just break up with me and leave or something that would make me break up with her like that would be easy and i think its kind of fucked that i think that but at the same time maybe that shows in the way i act its kind of fucked also that i make all these hollow promises to her when I have my own agenda which i make seem like or feel like i have no room or time for actually doing things which she wants too. Maybe i have 2 high of an exception when it comes to high school and my friends and everything i do and i want to do. I feel like she is holding me back but also a crucial part of me, I started loosing interest when more was coining out of my friend group and that started to become something of greater interest to me. Like before we all did the same shit every weekend but now its different but im not sure if it is i dont know maybe the grass is always greener on the other side. I just need someone to talk to but its hard because im fighting a mental battle between my girlfriend and all that surrounds her and my friends and all that surrounds them. I feel like i can do whatever i want and not really experience the consequences for some reason because i feel like i can pull up before getting burned but im not sure if thats really the case because i feel like everyone feels like that way about themselves probably till reality hits them.Maybe im too optimistic im optimistic in waiting for my stocks to go up like i threw 75 of my savings money into them because i hope that somehow they will go up, invested that plus about 100 other dollars into a coin that i know absolutely nothing about and im not sure if that is a good decision or a bad one or just an in the middle idk fuck theres so much going on in my head right now with school and everything too like fuck idek. I literally cannot make this decision between my friends and girlfriend like just thinking about her shes so cute and adorable and perfect when everything is how she thinks it should be but its not what is making me happy entirely like yes i love her and i like to be with her but like its not like thats all i wanna do. I cant sit sill i have to move i have to do more things like and she just wants things to remain how they once were where they appeared perfect. For some reason i feel like im a really good boyfriend and did whatever she wanted at the time because i didnt want to be made fun of or joked about like if we ever broke  up and i dint want to end things with her and have her thinking about me as a shitty boyfriend like i wanted her to think of me the way she thought of her ex but i guess in doing that i also made her never want to loose me and she now is crazy and ive been shitty to her i think but maybe i haven't but she just puts crazy rules on me and i dont like to follow them so does make that me a bad boyfriend if the rules are crazy? I think i live in an idealistic world where everything will work out for me because i think it will and i know i can put my mind to it and make it work but im not sure if that is really tested and i know i can or if im just like high on my own ego and i can get let down when it actually comes time to do it. I just fucked with my girlfeinds ig and told her i hacked it and had dudes block her which is funny cuz she left it logged on on my phone and i blocked them but ill see how long i play this out for but it made me happyish and feel good and takes my mind off of things so it was alr. I think im going to stop todays thinggy here ill probably just play with the look of my blog. Maybe ill start a website for this idk well see. i enojoy this kinda idk i still want someone to talk to but everyone just like dosent get it they always just easily pick one side but its not that easy its so hard trying to play both sides an make both side happy and work with it when one side dosent like each other and i feel like i need both things :( maybe ill type more later. Goodbye