#but ive just got strong ass tommy vibes

[widowedfcked-blog]

where is kenna? kenna is making a rph for the hp fandom & peaky blinders fandom for resources & what not...and making a tommy blog, because she likes to write bad people.

[tigerdrop]

Cringe is dead, talk to me about the funny half-life men and their relationship

okay here is my essay. it is titled These Guys Actually Like Each Other, and Gordon Freeman Is Just Kind Of A Dick*

(disclaimer: these are just my 2 cents. dont take me too seriously! im just some guy online who has watched this shit too many times.)

first things first. these guys actually like each other. this is a key aspect of their relationship. benrey, obviously and textually, digs gordon freeman - you dont flirt that heavily with guys you arent into, and so much of what he says and does is geared around making gordon crack up. thats pretty gay.

but the counterpart to this is that gordon freemans pretty fucking gay for benrey, too. you may say, “oh, but word of god says its not requited!” and to you i will say: bull shit. gordon is uniquely obsessed with benrey compared to all the other characters. if gordon didnt like the fucking guy, he wouldnt giggle with him and share in-jokes with him and bring him up every 5 seconds when benreys not around. thats concern, bro. thats worry. thats real shit

but i cant blame people for thinking that gordon freeman genuinely doesnt like benrey. benreys partially responsible for some of the worst things that have happened to him, the Arm Thing among them. and gordons very insistent afterward that he doesnt like benrey. he even goes so far as to try to kill benrey a couple times. to this, i must argue that gordon freeman is just kind of a dick.

lets talk facts here. canon. Lore. from the moment we hop into gordons shoes, we can see that he is a jerk to every npc on his way into black mesa. this is his default: a dude who just runs his mouth and says rude shit. he calls tommy a freak within 5 minutes of meeting him. he infantilizes the guy and barely considers him a real scientist. he doubts that bubby is a real name for like no fuckin reason. in “real life”, this is because its funny, and wayne is trying to make a funny half-life stream. in a textual sense, this is because gordon “hlvrai” freeman is a dick. this is the way he acts, consistently, throughout the series.

(brief aside: this is why the whole “gordon is a nice guy and a great dad” characterization baffles me. the way he actually acts in canon is, in short, bitchy and lacking in self-awareness. and i love that for him, i really do. it makes the moments where he just tries to be a nice guy stand out. but thats the thing: his intermittent moments of decency and kindness are not the whole of his personality! this dude kind of sucks most of the time!)

the way that gordons general asshole attitude extends to benrey is complicated. in fairness, benrey makes it his job to annoy the shit out of gordon as much as possible, and that warrants a negative attitude, but gordons pretty paranoid and ends up blaming benrey for nearly everything that happens to him, regardless of if its warranted. this is a pattern he exhibits both before and after the Arm Thing. its a little bit of a dick move! especially considering that, prior to the whole “betrayal” subplot (which was not exactly planned very far in advance), benrey is no more malicious or annoying than anybody else gordons having to travel with.

(okay, this is kind of a subjective evaluation, but still. my point stands that benrey is not any more of a hindrance to his progress than anybody else in the science crew, and neither is he particularly more violent or murderous. hell, gordon freeman has probably killed more guys than benrey. benrey just tends to get.......special treatment.)

all that said, i am still convinced that gordon really fucking likes benrey. please consider with me the following: it would be remarkably easy for gordon to just ignore him and do what he has to do, but he doesnt. he could stop engaging. he could stop thinking about benrey. he could stop bringing benrey up to the rest of the crew every time benrey leaves to do his own thing for awhile. but he doesnt. and, again, yeah, the extra-textual reason for this is “two guys are doing an improv comedy thing and bouncing off of scorpy is kind of the point”, but within the text it reads to me as gordon not being about to get the dude off his mind.

and this is in addition to all the times we see gordon being genuinely nice and receptive toward benrey! its in the little things: laughing the hardest and longest at benreys jokes. only ever reciprocating that stupid underwater “BBBBB” thing with benrey. trying to catch benrey when he falls, despite his insistence moments earlier that benrey should hop in the wack ass crystal generator and get hypermurdered. fondly remarking that benreys sweet voice sounds beautiful. his sort of flustered responses to most of benreys overt flirting. none of this is the way normal people react to a guy they hate. this is all fuckin gay to me, man.

its this combination of the outward insistence that gordon hates benrey with his inner eagerness to be around him and think about him and engage with him that gives off strong “repression” vibes, to me. for whatever reason - pride, embarrassment, resentment - gordon maintains a front of hating the guy and wanting to kill him for a lot of the series, but it doesnt gel with the way he fucking giggles and plays along half the time that benrey starts fucking with him. its a game, and that game is one of the only ways gordon knows to manifest affection for him.

(remember “oh my god, hes got a knife!”? that was the gayest shit i ever seen in my life. tittering like a schoolgirl while benrey chases him around like “im gonna get you haha”. insanity.)

the cool thing about repression is that you can have it manifest in a lot of ways! and this is where things like “headcanons” and “my own personal affection for repressed bisexual men” come in. a lot of how i characterize their relationship is an extrapolation of a lot of things like gordons canonical insecurity issues/anxiety, gordons whole anti-bootboy thing screaming “internet wokeboy who means well but probably has a lot of repressed baggage” to me, etc.

how do you get massive amounts of sexual repression out of what you see in canon, you might ask? well. if wayne would stop having gordon talking about being jerked off by the suit, or talking about chugging a 40-gal drum of potion and having to hold his piss, or worrying about being eaten by benrey the moment he sees benrey at setscale 10, maybe i would have a higher opinion of gordon “hlvrai” freeman and whatever latent psychosexual issues hes got going on. but here we are

i havent even touched yet upon how benrey feels about gordon. this one is helpfully made a little more plain by the fact that benrey very much wants to suck his dick in canon. (i dont even have to go into details. we all know.) but IMO the best part about this ship isnt just that they dig each other, but how. benrey gets overtly flirtatious in the second half of the series, but IMO his preferred method of flirting is just fucking with gordon: chasing him with knives, shoving him around in a bathroom, trying to get scans of his feet. but all in like a slapstick, giggly, fun-and-games sense, you know? at least when it works.

a lot of the time, though, it doesnt work out that way. he clearly just likes doing it whether or not gordon responds positively. which is, you know, Weird. not very nice. but also in line with the way everybody else treats gordon freeman. gordons kind of the universes chew toy in any given universe, and the same holds true here. hes kind of helpless......subjected to 4 demons attempting to make his life as difficult as possible. in a way its cathartic.

sorry. i got sidetracked. anyway, benrey very much likes to mess with him and unnerve him and demean him and i will be perfectly frank with you: that is hot. i have problems and illnesses and one of them is that i am a masochist who goes crazy for that kind of thing. calling gordon a “dirty lil boy” and telling him to “look at the mess [he] made” is some straight up kink scene shit.

i like to imagine that a lot of this behavior isnt caused just by the guy who played him wanting to be funny and antagonistic, but by benrey as a character not really understanding what constitutes “pushing a joke too far”. hes not human, and whatever he is doesnt have a very normative way of understanding the world around him, full of people who actually get hurt for real and die for real. benrey expresses what seems to be genuine surprise and distress after the Arm Thing, as if he didnt know that his actions would have serious consequences. and it doesnt seem to fully sink in afterward, either.

it reads a lot to me like hes used to video game rules and treating people around him like NPCs. if they get hurt, its no big deal, because its not real. he likes jamming random buttons on gordons interface and seeing what comes out. its probably a lot of fun for him, the same way that seeing a streamer or a youtuber suffer for our amusement is fun. its like, you know, in my opinion, gordons very cute when hes frazzled. hes also cute when hes laughing. pushing gordons buttons has a 50/50 chance of either of these things. and this is how he ultimately flirts with gordon: by pulling his pigtails.

but at the same time, benrey does legit care about gordon and knows some boundaries. benreys the one most often shooting at enemies to protect gordon, and he spent most of the last act trying to convince gordon to turn around and not fight him because they were friends (best friends, to be specific). he just lacks a lot of the emotional intelligence it would take to express the feeling of “he digs gordon and likes seeing his face get all red and sweaty regardless of the cause”. and gordon lacks the emotional intelligence it would take to express the fact that he doesnt know if he likes or hates benrey and hes scared as hell that its the former

because, lets be real. unironic benrey-liking is a sign of problems disorder. just look at all these words ive written about it.

can you imagine? this bizarrely powerful, non-human entity that can shrug off gunfire and grow to the size of a building has decided that youre his new plaything. benreys the bored guy booting up skyrim and fucking around in the console, and gordons the hapless favorite follower that hes taken a liking to. its a really fun dynamic IMO

after all this, its safe to say my title is a little misleading. the asterisk stands for * and So Is Benrey, Actually. they are both kind of awful dudes who thrive off of teasing each other and they deserve each other. and i am crazy about it. thank u for coming to my TED talk

[harringrovetrashrat]

(We had a romcom month in Nov and y’all are gonna be subject to my bs.  This one is While You Were Sleeping inspired)

Steve groaned when there was knocking.

“Tommy, for the last time, no, you can’t move in, no I’m not in black underwear, and no--” He swung the door open to a smiling Billy, one eyebrow raised teasingly.  Steve flushed.  “Sorry, thought you were Tommy.” He said, shoving his hands into his pajama pockets.  Billy chuckled.

“Happens all the time,” he said.  He stood there a moment before ducking his head and licking his lips, wry smile on his face.  “Can I come in?”

“Oh, yeah!” Steve chirped, moving out of the way so Billy could enter.  He moved into the living room, letting Billy follow.  “Sorry,” he said with a wince, gesturing to the mess.  Billy shrugged.  It was quiet a moment before Billy cleared his throat and pointed at Steve’s chest.

“Deciding on ties?” He asked.  Steve looked down, looked at the navy blue, dark green, and coral neckties he had on.

“Oh,” Steve chuckled, pulling them off.  “Yeah, just uh, just seeing what will work.  For tomorrow.” Steve stared at Billy, taking him in.  Billy was looking at the clothes Steve had laid out, at the options he’d pulled out for the impromptu wedding.  It made his heart clench, made his lungs feel heavy.  He wanted Billy to say something.  “What did--”

“I’m sorry,” he said, face set.  “For all the trouble I gave you.” Steve’s words were stuck in his throat as Billy spoke.  “I’m gonna be really happy to, to call you my brother in law,” he said, smiling at Steve.  It didn’t reach his eyes quite right and Steve wanted him to fucking say something.  Billy hummed softly and pulled a small package out of his pocket.  “Oh, I got you a wedding gift,” he said.

“Yeah?” Steve’s voice was soft and Billy looked up at him through his lashes.  Steve gently took the present, unwrapping it carefully.

“I saw it in the window on a job and just--”

“Billy,” Steve breathed.  It was a snow globe.  Nothing fancy, but it was of Florence.  Steve shook it, watching the snow fall.  “Billy I--”

“Anyway--”

“Tell me a reason why I shouldn’t marry Heather,” he said, cutting Billy off.  “Tell me a reason and I won’t.”  Billy froze, gaze sad.  But, he didn’t say anything.  Didn’t utter a peep.  Steve gripped the snow globe tighter and smiled, nodding reflexively to the rejection, trying to push through the way it felt like his heart was breaking.  “Okay.  Yeah.”

“Steve,” Billy said, voice soft.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?  At the--” Steve took a breath.  “At the ceremony.” Billy looked like he wanted to say something, wanted to say a lot of things.  But again, he didn’t.  Just nodded and put his hands in his pockets.

“Yeah,” he replied, voice quiet.  “Tomorrow.” Steve shut the door behind Billy as he left, leaning his forehead against it to cry.  He took shuddery breaths, tried not to cry the day before his wedding, but for once, he couldn’t stop the tears.

--

Steve couldn’t believe he was late.  Couldn’t believe he was going to be late to his own wedding.  Yeah, maybe he wasn’t looking forward to it as much as he would have been a month ago, but he didn’t want to be late.  He skidded into the hallway and quickly found the room where everything had been set up.  Hop and Joyce were standing and talking, Murray was just sitting and watching the show, and Billy--

Billy was standing and waiting on Heather’s side.  Because of course he was her Man of Honor.  Steve walked in, waving.  He made it halfway down the aisle before he realized he’d left his jacket on.  So he ran back, put it on the hook, and walked down the aisle towards the family again.

“Finally!” Hopper boomed, smiling.  “You didn’t get cold feet did you?” Steve chuckled and shook his head.

“No, no.  Let’s uh, let’s do this.” Steve nodded to the rest of the family and looked at Billy.  Billy looked away from him as soon as they locked eyes and Steve once more wished for a lot of things.

Music began and Steve watched Heather walk down the aisle, Hopper leading her along.  They were smiling and Heather pulled her IV along, beaming at Steve.  He smiled back, thinking about how she and Billy had the same dimples.

Then the priest had started to speak and Steve looked in Heather’s eyes and--

“I object,” he said quietly.

“He what?” Hopper said, leaning forward.  Heather just blinked, tilting her head.  The priest gave him a quizzical look.

“We haven’t gotten to that part yet,” he said.

“I’m sorry but I can’t do this,” Steve said, letting go of Heather’s hands and stepping back.  “I--” He looked at the family.  “I’ve been lying to you.  To all of you.  And I can’t go through with this when I love--” He looked at Billy, heart slamming against his ribcage.  Billy stared, jaw slack.

“Billy?” Hopper groaned.  “Boy, what did you do?” Billy snapped out of his shock, furrowing his brow.

“What did I do?  I didn’t do anything!”

“He didn’t!” Steve cut in.  Everyone fell silent again.  “He didn't.  This is all on me, okay?  I’m not.  I’ve never been Heather’s fiancee.” The family collectively blinked.  “There was a miscommunication when she arrived and I didn’t correct them and then you guys came and--” He choked up a little, anxiety and regret filling him.  “You were all so lovely,” he  breathed out.  “A big, loving family that annoyed each other and ragged on each other but still loved each other at the end of the day.  I never… My parents stopped living at home when I was 13.  They didn’t stay at home with me for more than a week at a time.  I’ve never had real, good family in my life and…” He looked at them, all in varying degrees of shock.  “I fell in love with all of you,” he said, voice soft but strong.  Sure.  “And I was selfish and held onto it for too long.  Let this keep going when Heather doesn’t even know me.” He looks at her then, finding her smiling, even if it was sad.  Steve had let go of her hands during his little speech, but he took one again.  “I’m sorry,” he said to her.  “It was unfair to you and-- I’m just sorry.” Steve looked at Billy, who seemed unsure if he was shocked, angry, sad, or happy.  Steve understood that.  “I’m sorry to you too, because somewhere along the way of falling in love with your family, I fell in love with you as well.  And it wasn’t fair to… To want that when you didn’t know the truth.”

Before anyone could say anything else, the door burst open.

“I object!” A short, redheaded woman yelled from the doorway.

“Anyone else?” The priest asked, annoyed and ready to go home.

“Who are you?” Hopper demanded, brows drawn together.

“I’m Heather’s real fiancee!” She snapped, stomping down the aisle.  Heather’s eyes bugged out.

“Carol?  You said no!” She protested.

“Yeah, well I changed my mind--”

“What the fuck?” Joyce mumbled, pressing a dainty hand to her forehead.  The family got mixed up in the commotion and Steve quickly slipped out before anyone could pay him any mind.  It was easier that way.  He could slip out of their lives as easily as he slipped in and let them get back to normal.

--

Steve scratched a line on his notepad with his pen, cheek resting on his hand.  The day was slow, most people quietly bustling their way along in the cold of Chicago.  He sighed, letting his head fall forward to the desk.

“Listen,” Robin said from behind him, spinning around in her chair.  “It’s literally painful watching you mope.  Let’s get drinks tonight or something.” Steve didn’t look over his shoulder, just shrugged.

“Not feeling it,” he mumbled.  Robin sighed.  She opened her mouth to say more, maybe snark some sense back into him, when she saw a group approaching.  Steve still had his head down, shoulders slumped as he tried to make himself small.

It had been a long week since everything and Steve was tired.  Was tired, was sad, and didn’t really want to exist.  He’d been looking at plane tickets while holding Billy’s snow globe like some sort of creep for most of the week.  If he imagined being able to bring Billy along, no one else needed to know.  But it was the only thing he could think of to do.  To take some steps to enjoy his life, even if he had to do it alone.

He really didn’t want to do it alone.

There was a clink in front of him and he grabbed the change, not looking up or even saying his customary hello.  Once he had the pass printed, he slipped it back under the window and a hand quickly placed itself on top of his.  Steve’s breath caught.  He knew those fingers.  Knew those rings.  He’d memorized them.

Blue eyes were gazing down at him when he looked up, mouth opening in shock.  Billy smiled at him, small and hopeful.  Hopper and Joyce were doing a particularly bad job of hiding behind the pillar and watching.  Murray and Max had foregone trying to hide and were just watching, smiling at the sight.  Steve’s mind was racing.  Were they here to tell him off?  Were they mad?  Were they--

“Wanna go on a trip with me, pretty boy?” Billy asked, voice gentle and loving and everything Steve had been wanting to hear for the past month.  He gaped, mind working too slow to catch up.  Billy looked a little nervous at his silence, obviously chewing on the inside of his lip.

“Oh my god,” Robin said as the silence dragged on too long. “He so fucking does.  Please, take his moping ass on a date so I don’t have to drown him myself.”

“Robin!” Steve hissed, turning red.

“You’ve literally been depressed all week and it’s been bringing my vibe down.” Her look softened as she smirked, small and just at Steve.  “Go get your man.  I’ll cover for you.”

Steve could have kissed her.

Instead, he stood, shoving the door to the booth open and jumping the turnstile to cup Billy’s face and pull him into a kiss.  Billy’s hands settled on his waist as he smiled against Steve’s lips.  Joyce let out a Yes! that was probably louder than it should have been, but Steve didn’t care.  Didn’t think about anything except the lips pressed against his.  When he pulled back, Billy was smiling, bright and happy and Steve loved him.

“I’d go anywhere with you, Blue.”