#but ive got really similar classes as one of my really good friends so thats good

[femmesandhoney]

If it's not too intrusive can I ask how you deal w your pmdd ?

I dont have it but my PMS is fucking brutal I was depressed fucking felt like paralyzed in bed due to anxiety, didnt go to classes,then like a few days later i got my period and then everything made sense.

But i just cant like lose a week of my life like this every month. How do you deal with it?

i went on birth control for it but got off of it after a year bc i decided i disliked the effects of birth control, but that did help my symptoms tons and i wouldn't lie to anyone who wanted to go on it bc it did help me, i made a choice to get off of it unrelated to my pmdd.

managing symptoms can be difficult, often my first "response" is to recognize when my emotions are being affected by my pmdd. usually i can tell pretty quickly bc one day i'll walk up and everything makes me rage at the drop of a hat and then get very sad or agitated just as quick, my emotional regulation just being absolutely dogshit to concern anyone around me if they happen to be on the receiving end of my aggression or if they could jump inside my head and see how it was playing out. after so many years knowing i have pmdd, im able to recognize how a lot of that emotional instability isn't "me" and that im being affected by an "outside" force (oncoming period and hormones dropping). i usually do my best to stay mindful of my reactions then and try and do stuff that calms me down and gets my mind away from what had ruptured my emotional state. usually this occurs right in the morning when i get up, so its a fairly quick light bulb moment for me.

and im definitely used to like a shit ton of negative self talk that over the years ive gotten a better hand on, so when those real lows come around, im much better at talking myself out of those low states, but my pmdd doesn't manifest as strongly or too long with huge depressive states. usually, i just try to find other things to distract me when i feel that low, like chatting with friends, family, watching a movie, going on a walk, eating good food, no matter how small can help shift my mood to a more positive direction. when we're down, our brains are really good at thinking about other sad shit, bc our brain sucks like that, so getting ahead of that curve and trying to intentionally distract yourself with better things can generally help. but again, do not feel bad if that doesn't work for you, bc long depressive states aren't what i normally deal with and my advice is general here.

in terms of anxiety and similar emotions, i feel you deeply there. i manage that similar to how i manage any form of anxiety, which is just to do whatever it is that my anxiety thinks i cannot do, as thats the quickest way to rewrite that pathway in ur brain. it can seem very daunting, but it really does help and you can take baby steps all the while. and usually i end up feeling better after i go to whatever it was i was terrified to go to, which when we're feeling terrible af can sometimes make our day a bit better.

i would also say, sometimes i don't do anything during my pmdd time either bc it really does feel like shit even when ive tried combating it and being mindful of myself, some days really do just suck and i wanna lay in bed and hermit away. i don't think you should beat yourself up about that if some months that happens. its gonna happen again even after we have some successes, pmdd can be very unpredictable and sometimes our environment and our day to day lives just affect it even more and cause some months to be worse than others, and that doesn't mean you're lazy or not trying hard enough or anything like that.

[k-ru-h]

theres something to be said about inherent human kindness and art and all that

i had an absolute trainwreck of a day and an hour long gap between classes, so i decided to plop by the local art store thats too far away from my home but maybe a 10min walk from school. they had really good prices and i wanted to buy the pretty pastel watercolors for myself and my friend, to make the day less miserable.

the storeworker, a kind-looking old man (surely at least in his 60s), picked up all the aquarelle boxes, saying he didnt want me, a seemingly abled person, to have to kneel on the floor to look at them. and he told me how he doesnt stock all the colors but he explained to me in detail, umprompted, how to order them for myself, with or without paying him. and he told me how hes owned this store for 28 years and hasnt changed locations (despite the location being horrible) because hes genuinely attached to this one. this shitty, tiny little hole in the wall place with no AC or even proper ventilation. and he started talking about his days as an artist, and all the incredible people he met, and how stores from the capital monopolizing certain brands ruined his once proud selection of products, and how to properly use watercolor paper, how to use distilled water and stick to one paper brand and how his personal dream is to get his hands on the aquarelles created only by and for that one russian college, and he treated me, a fucking infant baby child (18) whos been doing aquarelles for like two days (4 years) as a genuine peer and worthy conversation partner. and i almost started crying from the genuine love i felt for him.

and the day after, i got hungry between classes and decided to stop by the bakery. the bakery itself is overpriced - for the same price as other ones, you get maybe half the product. and its been closed for tax fraud maybe a month ago.

and this storeworker is an elder woman - not as old as the artist, but surely near or in her 50s - and she sometimes wears the bracelet i made her. the other students call her the "empress" of the store (named "empress"). she is the only reason i go there, and i only go when shes working the shift. at first it was because of the free food shed give us. shed always toss in a few cookies, she even remembered my favorite, and shed wish you a "royal" day (pun intended). soon, we started going there outside of the rush hours, and actually talking to her. her dream has always been to be an opera singer, but this is a poor country, and she has a sickly mother and a son who lives abroad to take care of. but she told us she found her fulfilment in work through the kindness she spread - not just the free food, but the compliments and kind words. and i almost cry every time i remember she didnt know she was so loved by the students. when i told her everybody only goes there for her, she actually didnt believe me, and when i noticed she dyed her hair (we now have similar haircolors!), she put it down and posed in front of the little hanging mirror with the biggest smile ive ever seen on her.

and i havent seen this person lately, im assuming because i havent been to one of the two places she frequents and she, probably, has, but theres this wonderful woman - i cant tell if shes old or worn down by hard work and stress - who always has the most vibrant, colorful jewelry and carries a little cardboard box.

and she approached me one day, i was going to meet up with some friends to talk about lord of the rings, and she stopped me to tell me how beautiful my hand made jewelry was. and she was holding a puppy under one arm, almost cartoonishly, and told me all about how she used to have a jewlery stand right here in this street. all of the money shes ever made shes invested in taking care of stray cats and dogs. even if it meant shed go hungry, she always made sure the animals she took care of were fed and warm and happy. but the stand was closed because of tax issues, and no cop was sympathetic towards the little kitten or puppy shed always take with her, so she was forced to make ends meet however she could and beg for money or pet food donations. and this wasnt her pressuring me for money - i hadnt even brought my wallet that day, i had my phone and some tea. this was her genuinely just wanting to stop and compliment me, and being delighted to have someone to talk to, and whenever i see people treat her like dirt i want to cry.

my point is, i met a painter and a singer and a craftsman, and all of them were the kindest people ive ever met. and i don't really look approachable, i usually only get hateful looks in public, but these three people, with far more experience than me, just genuinely wanted to talk about the things they cared about, and what they create, and i think creation makes you kinder. i think painting and singing and crafting, no matter if its a life long profession, a dream, or a failed venture, makes you more than the summ of all your parts. or something cringe like that idfk

[cloud99999999999]

summer is coming and thats great . only one week of school left , no more exams , just a stupid presentation my portuguese teacher assigned us 4 days before we had to do it . ill just do it the night before . i am also a bit worried about failing this year , if i fail 3 classes , ill have to repeat the whole grade which sucks because it means ill have an extra year of school . i tried doing a few extra assignments to get a passing grade but im not sure if itll work . but honestly i am not thaaat worried about failing anymore , of course id prefer passing , but at the same time this years grades will be fused ( ? ) with next years grades , and as much as i tell myself that if i pass next year ill do better and get actual good grades , deep down i know im lying . i always tell myself this during vacation , this year will really be it , ill focus on studying and doing my homework , but every year is the same and every year i barely pass . so maybe itll be for the best . and if i fail , ill be in the same class as my friend who failed a grade a few years ago , and that makes it a little but more tolerable . tlerable er

well , summer , was feeling happy so i changed my computers theme . like , wallpapers and stuff , even learned how to get a custom cursor , which is something i had been thinking of doing for a long time but didnt until now for some reason . got a cool guitar cursor to match with the new super sonico theme . before her there was marija , ive had her as my wallpaper for a few years i think , since i got the pc .

i also tried downloading one of those anime girl computer assistants but couldnt finish doing that before 1am , which is when my internet shuts off , my dad made it that way on the router site so id sleep earlier or whatever which really sucks because i have never met anyone whos( e ? ) parents did that to them too . i have to waste mobile data , and , to make it last till the end of the month , i cant watch youtube or play online games and stuff like that . well , kind of . my dad changed the settings on the switch one time and forgot to change them back so i get internet on the switch till 4am . still sucks but im not gonna complain too much because its something at least . i wonder if im being ungrateful ¿

also , yesterday i found a game similar to lomando , called the house or something like that . ill play it tomorrow with my mom because im too scared to play these types of games alone . she played lomando with me as well . very fun experience , hope this game makes us closer for a while again . lomando brought us closer too but everything went back to normal after a while . actually , i dont know which one i prefer .

[anarchistbitch]

well it's not like according to tradition I replied in a timely manner lmao dont worry about it

sfjkfjsdk me too, i dont usually make playlists, i just leave everything in my liked and shuffle it and let it be what the universe dictates but idk i felt like getting them into one playlist

well if you add pepa pig id burst out laughing in the middle of a call probably and one of my work friends would probably shout "send her to sleep" bc thats what we say when we send clients back bc we cant do anything from our end so it would be funny and we would just ultimately skip it lmao

im looking forward to whatever songs you add, the playlist is long as fuck already tbh so it might take a while for the oli london song to come on

SFGDSJKFGDS well in my defense I had to ask bc i didnt know how long youve been on tumblr so yeah (shiro's cloning and the episode about it and the fight with keith)

anyways i motherfucking hated that they exploded adam and then tried to console us with curtis but anywaaaaaaay the fanfic is dirty laundry which if you were in the fandom i doubt you didnt end up hearing of it or at least the discourse around it but anyway it got deleted but i had it downloaded so have a google drive link https://drive.google.com/file/d/0BwU9LMiUJoN7RjFWSGZVUlJQd1U/view?

yeah, the whole not enrolling classes in uni is a mess and i try not to think about it too much rn (i am seeing a therapist and i hope that by next year i have figured out what i want to do) but i like my job, we(my team)'re actually planning to rent a house and stay there a weekend very soon to celebrate our supervisor's bday :'3

making choices that will greatly impact our futures is seriously so hard, and i also not qualified for any career advice but manifesting that whatever you choose in the end allows you to be happy

just last night it started raining hard so i got up to turn off the fan but then like two minutes later i got up to turn it on again bc even tho it was raining it is still so fucking hot, seriously hate the weather rn

god mountains are so preetty, specially when the weather is cool and they get all foggy

atsv is a masterpiece and it continues from itsv so damn well, i really do love it and i hope hollywood gets up it's ass and pays their workers what they're owed so we can see it soon

KJSDFJKSDFHJS i am still seeing so many miguel o hara edits everywhere for real, i gotta say tho im in love with hobie and pavitr

JKSHFJS i used to do something similar with fob, i had a lot of them printed out and would put them on my binder cover so that i could memorize the lyrics so i was all day everyday singing them until i memorized it and the changed it for another song

idk how id rank fob albums, its so hard when theyre soo good but i really do love so much for stardust, aside from that one i think my favs are save rock and roll and american beauty american pyscho, mania was the first album i was a fan of them when it came out so it has a special place in my heart as well

my special lyric is part time soulmates full time problem, ive always been a fan of soulmate aus and hhhhhhhh just makes my brain smooth, also we started off as shiny dimes but we got flipped too many times, we did it for futures that never came and for pasts that we're never going to change 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹

cheers to us and our interesting meeting jdfshjf

love you and i hope you have a good week :3 get plenty of rest and fun and water!!

-M

i feel like if we had a competition on late replies i would emerge victorious😎(crying inside)

honestly fall is prolly the best time to make playlists[not that im gonna, but sure is a nice time yk] but ahhhh anyway!!!! havent added anything but u will know when i add it <3

check hello tumblr user nonbinarymikaela pls provide access to the drive check [i checked out of any fandom drama cause i had so many exams that yr lmao. only time the edu system saved me]

[this is me actually hi]

honestly idek if i like my degree rn, like i really wanted to go for a history degree a couple years back before i changed my stream[its a whole educational system thats actually fucking fucked in india i hope it dies soon💜] but on the flip side - it was pretty hard to get a spot in my uni anyway so now im just in a whirlpool of smth. bleh

thinking of how next year is so close is like skewering me and roasting me like a kebab😭😭😭😭[but like dont keep a strict timeline yk, ur like seriously cool and i think any decision you take will be the best as along as your the one taking it ] [i wish i had answered this earlier so i couldve wish you good time on ur retreat but i hope it was good anyway💜💜💜💜💜💜💜]

man i need to like seriously cope up with my decisions cause i need to take an exam for my career which is seriously sooo..... but yea thats how its going

omg its raining here too and my college[which is seriously just a reformated jungle] turned into a swamp ish and they STILL didnt cancel classes. and i forgot my umbrella. i came back home like a sad wet cat .

gotta love that near-to-the-equator ass weather with climate change [i need to kill billionaires rn]

hope the strikes come to a fruitful end soon[for saf-aftra & iatse !!! fuck the amptp!!] but also i wouldnt mind waiting a couple years for btsv if the animators need that time to like animate in a safe and healthy manner yk

OH wait also im on my halloween movies watch rn!! just finished the addams family and watching paranorman rn [i need a gomez man btw. need him to be silly and obsessed and intense.and mwah]

[also if u wanna watch an indian series made in heaven is pretty cool(its okay-ish in terms of writing but it covers some very important social issues + the main leads are hot and dubious. what more do i need to watch a show)]

hobie kinda scratched a very specific itch in my brain like i want to be him AND kiss him , pavitr is so slay, and o'hara needs like a massage session thing where they unlock the trauma in ur knees or like a stamlo 50mg.

me & my friends fav fob lyrics was the 'how the mighty fall' cause we would do that "fall out...boi" intro everytime lol

i dont think i have a fave lyric but i think immortals was a top contender for reasons[i like big hero 6 :3]

Song rec: nothings new by rio romeo (saw it in a reels animatic and .. yea)

to many more yrs of late asks 🥂(appy juice cause i dont like the taste of alcohol)

my love and hopes to u💜💜💜 and also an umbrella for this weather☔

p.s. drink water/soup/iced tea + i care for u+ W in the chats

[foilfreak]

Nobody asked for this, but I’ve been thinking a lot about it lately so I’ve decided to post about it in the hopes that my brain will stop thinking about it if i write my thoughts out, or at the very least spit them out onto a tumblr post. So here’s a nowhere-near-comprehensive list of all the heroes who I think should be friends and why, in no particular order:

1. Iaian and Genos. I’ve talked about them before but I just think that they’d get along really well for some reason. They’re both fairly close in age and seem somewhat similar in personality and disposition so i think, given some time and heavy avoidance of the topic of whose master is superior, a good strong friendship could blossom between these two disciples, a friendship that gives them the opportunity to relax, let loose, and actually have fun in ways they wouldn’t normally because theyre usually too busy being responsible heroes and saving cities and innocent civilians from certain death and destruction. Idk I just want them to be best friends who secretly gossip and talk shit about other heroes over Mario Kart and a bottle of Absolute, is that so much to ask? Can Genos have a friend of his own for once plz?

2. Tanktop Master and Superalloy Darkshine. A friendship between these two gym rats would radiate such chaotic bro energy that i don’t think ppl would physically be able to handle the combined amount of protein powder and boiled chicken that must be seeping from these guys’ pore. That being said however, if I don’t see at least 1 chapter of them acting like total fucking morons together like ive seen in a few fics now, I will be flying to Japan to personally fistfight ONE and Murata.

3. Golden Ball and Child Emperor. This one comes with a few headcanons Ive created about Golden Ball so if u don’t see it I don’t blame u, but basically the idea is that Golden Ball is a pretty smart guy, he got like a masters degree in chemical engineering or something before becoming a hero, so Golden Ball and Child Emperor probably met at some science convention and got to know each other by talking about various scientific theories and whatever shit they happen to be working on at that time. Child Emperor will occasionally ask Golden Ball to guest lecture for one of his classes. Golden Ball’s probably asked child emperor to read over the thesis or research paper he’s working on and give suggestions. They’re fellow colleagues who share more in common than just being heroes and child emperor probably enjoys talking to an adult who actually has a brain cell or two on hand at any given moment.

4. Death Gatling and Smile Man. Gatling looks like he could use a friend looking out for him (both in hero work and just in general) and Smile Man seems like a really nice and cool guy, idk there’s just something I like about him and I think he’d be a good friend to someone like Death Gatling. I’d certainly be Smile Man’s friend, if nothing else!!!

5. Chain’n’toad and Mumen Rider. I liked seeing them work together and show concern for each other when they fought that lizard monster in the OVA, I think they’d be good friends and get along outside of work too!

6. Captain Mizuki and Fubuki. Fubuki needs a girl-friend who doesn’t work for her and Captain Mizuki seems like the kind of lady who’d have a positive impact on Fubuki if they ever did become friends.

7. Captain Mizuki and Lily. Girl alliance.

8. Captain Mizuki, Fubuki, and Lily. Ultimate Girl Alliance!

9. Captain Mizuki, Fubuki, Lily, and Okamaitachi. ULTRA MEGA SUPREME GIRL ALLIANCE!!!!!!!

10. Tatsumaki and King. Tbh I want them to fuck, but that’s a post for another day, I do however think that a friendship between the two of them would be beneficial for much the same reason as a relationship between them would work out, just minus the romantic elements. They both have a decent amount of respect for each other and I think they’d both encourage the other to improve themselves and become better people/heroes, which they actually would because you’re a hell of a lot more likely to take criticism from someone if you respect their opinion and see the validity in their criticisms/suggestions. Tatsumaki would force King to actually leave his house and go do stuff with her and King would force tatsumaki to chill the fuck out and not yeet ppl into walls... maybe.

11. Amai Mask and Zombieman. More or less the same deal as Tatsumaki and King except there’s an extra 5 months at the beginning of their “friendship” that consists almost entirely of just straight up hate fucking. They’d be friends with benefits if they stayed friends tho.

12. Atomic Samurai and Bomb. Kamikaze is friends with Bang therefor he’s friends with Bomb too, shut up

13. Spring Mustachio and Bushidrill. I want to see them get drunk together, i think that would be quite fun

14. Snek and Saitama. I want Snek to join the Saitama group and I want him to be PISSED about it.

15. Snek and Lightnight Max. On a slightly more serious note, I do think these guys would make good friends, if only because of their love for martial arts.

16. Pig God and All my love and affection. He just deserves it ok, idk what else to say.

And thats about all i can think of for right now, but ill be sure to come back with a part 2 if i can think of anything. Let me know what u think. Further suggestions are highly encouraged!

[ofcowardiceandkings]

I think you mentioned listening to podcasts? Do you have any favorites to reccommend? I've run out of content :(

that i do !

im not entirely sure what kind of podcast you'd be interested in but i'll throw out a few of the goodies in my huge library of stuff , i'll miss out a few of the HUGE podcasts that have been all over tumblr though

a LOT of it is true crime or human interest stuff , or history because im nerd ,, and a few of these dont have nearly enough attention so [shrug] i'll try to keep this short i guess lol this isnt EVERYTHING ive got in my library or listened series' by any measure

i AM gonna pop a shout to both Stuff You Missed in History Class and Stuff You Should Know from iHeartRadio because their HUGE archives have kept me from losing my mind many times over , and they cover a wide range of both important and wacky topics

BomBARDed (ongoing) this is the only fiction podcast i have happening right now really but its DAMN GOOD ONE .... it's an actual-play D&D 5E podcast in the DMs own musically-inspired world, focussed on a group of multiclass bards going to music school !! and all players (+DM) are members of the Texas band Lindby !! and they actually use and play music in the show with one original song an episode !! Kyle's worldbuilding and storycraft are truly incredible, and (Nick) Goodrich, (also Nick) Spurrier, and Ali's characters are in depth and interesting as well as an absolute powerhouse :') i actually made a piece for its first fanzine, Bardic Dreaming, which published earlier this year and is free to view now, all the players and the community are super wholesome its just very good overall 💙

History & Humans;

Fall of Civilisations (ongoing) legit one of my favourite podcast finds, im so glad my youtube autoplayed one of these ... it took me like 2 hours to realise it was 1) not the same as what was playing before and 2) had been on for 2 hours and wasnt near finished lmao. anyway, this is a series by historical fiction writer Paul Cooper, and is honest to all thats good one of the best documentary series ive encountered in years - and ive consumed a LOT of documentaries. it covered the downfall of various civilisations through history, and the episodes run from an hour to FOUR hours depending on the topic. its so chill to listen to and just get done, but over the pandemic all of the episodes have been given full movie-quality video versions too on youtube if youre more of a visual person.

Casting Lots: A Survival Cannibalism Podcast (on series break) yeah that says that lol ... its a SUPER niche topic but its very interesting and treated very well despite being kind of comical at times, the hosts are just naturally funny lol ... it delves around from the history of cannibalism in whole regions to specific incidents as recently as the 1970s, and of course the first episode is about the Donner Party, and it covers things ive never heard of despite being kind of important ?? anyway Alix and Carmella are good eggs

Sawbones (ongoing) i probably dont need to mention much here other than say that Justin and Sydnee saved me from being SO BORED sooo often, the history of medicine is wacky as hell and its what most of my history GCSE was on so [shrugs]

Cautionary Tales (on series break) this was a wild-card find lol ... it's by Tim Harford "the undercover economist" who writes for the Financial Times, and its topics kind of weave modern topics and science with how to learn from historical errors ... its a bit weird but well worth a go, also each series has a few celebrity guest voice actors which is pretty awesome

Ephemeral (ongoing) this is a very strange but thought provoking series about sounds and other things just barely saved. topics include the last castrato, the hello girls, hand-stamped records, the spread of kīkā kila music, and acoustic fossils of wild places.

Neat! The Boozecast (ongoing) history and bartending whats not to like lol ... hosted by Teylor Smirl and now their dad Tommy, they're just digging around in how important booze is to human culture

True Crime (white collar and weirdness);

Swindled (ongoing) this is an amazing show full stop. A Concerned Citizen details some of the most impactful and unruly things to happen in white collar and corporate crime. very factually accurate but given the sheer bullshit of the topics the deadpan snarking is [chefs kiss] absolutely warranted ..

American Scandal (on series break) this one is a series within a series type, and spends a few episodes at a time poking holes in some of America's biggest scandals, from a dramatised but fact-based point of view. such as what the hell was going on with Enron, how big tobacco was forced to own up to covering its own ass, how Iran-Contra happened, etc. it also now has a sister show called British Scandal, which does the same thing for British cases but with a slightly different format.

Missing in Alaska (finished) this was a fascinating series, a deep dive into what happened to two US government officials who disappeared on a small chartered flight in Alaska in 1972. it goes some really strange places, but it actually turned up a lot of previously unknown information through the audience. John Walczak's new series in a new feed is Missing on 9/11 which looks into what happened to Dr Sneha Philip.

Pretend (ongoing) Host Javier Leiva holds interviews with anyone living a lie, or who have been touched by them. con artists, snake oil salesmen, former cult members, catfishing victims, anyone and everyone.

Power: The Maxwells (finished) hosted by journalist Tara Palmeri, the story of media tycoon Robert Maxwell from nothing to empire to mysterious death and the scandals uncovered after he was gone.

Lets Talk About Sects (ongoing) Sarah Steele covering cults from around the world, in particular those in Australia - where she is from. She often has former members on the show to share their stories, and share knowledge of how they left. each story has the relevant content warnings at the start of each episode.

Brainwashed (finished) investigation of the CIA's covert mind control experiments, centred on the experiments performed at a hospital in Montreal, and its cultural impact.

Dr Death (2 series finished) two series investigating huge cases of fraud and medical malpractice, and how they were brought to a stop. series 1 covers Dr Duntsch and his horribly butchered neurosurgery, series 2 covers Dr Fata and his fraudulent cancer clinic

The Immaculate Deception (finished) untangling the weird and disturbing fertility fraud of Dr Jan Karbaat, who fathered children himself through his fertility clinic, and the impact of his deception. later episodes also touch on other similar cases.

True Crime (Violent/General);

The Casual Criminalist (ongoing) Simon Whistler of-the-many-youtube-channels cold reads a script about the case of the day, with some of his daft commentary thrown in.

Southern Fried True Crime (ongoing) Crimes from the American South hosted by Erica Kelley, she puts all the facts out there but refreshingly for true crime she doesnt hesitate to tell you if she thinks someone is human garbage lol

They Walk Among Us (ongoing) probably one of the most popular UK crime podcasts, very measured and well put together, not weird or annoying about it either.

All Crime No Cattle (ongoing, feed slowed down for now) specifically about crimes from Texas, hosted by Erin and Shay, they're very sensitive hosts and a lot of the cases they cover shed light on why the Texas criminal system is how it is or show an impact at a national level

Canadian True Crime (ongoing) Canadian crime from an Aussie who's lived there for a decade, Kristi is again a sensitive and measured host covering some important topics

True Crime (Violent/Deep Dive);

Hitman (finished) journalist Jasmyn Morris digs around in the sticky tangle around a book published by fringe publisher Paladin Press, and its apparent use as a blueprint in the killing of a mother, her friend and her 8 year old boy for financial gain.

Camp Hell: Anneewakee (ongoing) this series is exploring how a wilderness camp "correctional facility" was endorsed by the Georgia care and juvenile reform system, despite widespread abuses and shady practices the whole time. warning for csa and child cruelty throughout.

True Crime Bullshit (on series break) this one is a huge huge rabbithole but a very interesting one where the host Josh Hallmark has spent years digging into the life and potential crimes of Israel Keyes. Keyes is often mentioned as a serial killer with no pattern, but in picking it apart thats not quite true, and has sparked some re-evaluations of missing persons cases and stumbling upon information the FBI has redacted organically. there's also a series in the middle looking into the crimes of Kelly Cochran

Forgotten: Women of Juárez (finished) this series looks into the huge numbers of missing women of Ciudad Juárez, the strange circumstances surrounding them, and the potential cover-ups and corruptions on both sides of the border, trying to give a voice to all of the forgotten women and girls and their families without answers. the series itself is finished, but a spanish language edition is being released every week now.

aaaaaand i'll call it there before i list everything lol, i hope you find something to plug your boredom hole with !!

[chat-noir-always-here]

“Hey Arnold!” and “Miraculous!” parallels

Ever have an idea for a post that you take forever to get around to because 2020 is 

actively 

trying

to kill you?!

 Welp, that’s me. I mean, uh, this is that post.

Long post is long and I don’t like cuts cuz I’ve lost a few posts in the past using them. Please filter the tag “long post” I use it for walls of text like these.

So there’s this show from my childhood called Hey Arnold! 

Having been on air before I had cable (I and my unsupervised brothers and sisters spent our childhood watching Jerry Springer and Maury because there was literally nothing else on our cheap little TV. How hilarious is that?) I didn’t really have much of an experience with Hey Arnold! aside from brief little glances at it when i visited a friends home or the rare occasion where they showed cartoons at school. By the time I got satellite, the show was no longer on the air save for some late night reruns and the Christmas special which aired in December along with other Nickelodeon Christmas episodes (THE best Christmas episode EVER btw).

Really I couldn’t remember much about it until hearing about the Jungle Movie finally getting a release date (a total flop but at least its no cliff hanger) and decided to re-watch the entire series in preparation for said movie.

By which point I had discovered another show—Miraculous. 

At first glance the two shows have absolutely nothing in common. Miraculous being a French-born mahou shoujo-esque CGI superhero TV series about a couple of middle schoolers who regularly battle a walking peppermint-frappucino-looking psychopath. Hey Arnold! being a more realistic children’s sitcom about a young football-headed boy who deals out humanitarian aid in the form of advice and simple good deeds to his neighbors, classmates and friends. 

In terms of setting, logic, and animation the two series are as different as night and day.

So imagine my pleasant surprise to discover a whole post’s worth of parallels shared between the two shows???

And here they are in no particular order:

1)Arnold’s Parents/Adrien’s mom

Prior to the start of Miraculous, Emilie Agreste disappeared under mysterious circumstances leaving her family behind. Later on it was revealed that she was in fact sleeping (dead?) in a glass coffin beneath the Agreste mansion--unbeknownst to Adrien, or anyone else in Paris save for Gabriel and Nathalie.

In a similar fashion, Arnold’s parents, Miles and Stella, also disappeared prior to the start of Hey Arnold! and like Emilie were always referred to as “missing” rather than “dead.” 

The Jungle Movie later revealed Miles and Stella weren’t dead, but like Emilie appears to be doing in her coffin, they were sleeping. Having caught a bout of sleeping sickness (apparently they do not need to be hooked up to IVs or other medical devices while in a comatose state cuz fuck logic) they simply needed their orphaned son to come and cure them with the help of the magical golden heart Helga provided him with.

Perhaps Mari holds the key to waking Emilie? That would be nice to see. 

Not the miraculous of course--but some other key.

Although personally I’m hoping for a hardcore, devastating ending like Emilie dying, Gabriel going to prison where he belongs, and Adrien leaving the country for a bit until the second Hawk Moth shows up because I just like devastating cliffhangers and angst and being in utter turmoil over fictional people. But that’s just me.

2) Their best friends are dating

Smol parallel here: Arnold’s best friend Gerald and Helga’s Best friend Phoebe wind up together in The Jungle Movie after being imprisoned together by Lasombra. Similar to how Nino and Alya ended up together after being imprisoned by Ladybug (for their protection, of course).

3) The Bag of Money Episode/ The Ladybug episode

OOh boy both of these episodes make me rage. 

Some context about the Bag of Money episode: Arnold and his friends Gerald and Sid find a random bag of money containing almost $4000. Sid is ecstatic and wants to split the money evenly between the three boys, but Arnold worries it could just be lost and convinces them to let him, Arnold, take the money to the police station. On the way he accidentally switches the bag with another one that is identical and contains a bunch of useless junk, and when he tries to explain what happened to his friends they don’t believe him because their bag of money was accidentally taken by an “old lady with pink hair and a peg leg.”

 Arnold’s a good boy and he’s telling the truth--but the truth sounds crazy, even to my ears. Sid accuses Arnold of stealing the money and spreads lies to their classmates, whom Arnold has spent the ENTIRE SERIES helping in some form or fashion. Despite everything he’s done for them though, the vast majority of the class come to believe Arnold is a thief. Even Gerald, Arnold’s closest friend, nearly believes Sid over Arnold but eventually comes to Arnold’s defense. The other kids (save for Helga who doesn’t really make an appearance this episode) gang up on Arnold, but thankfully the old lady with pink hair and a peg leg shows up with an officer and together they explain the bag of money is now at the lost and found where it will remain and if gone unclaimed will be returned to Arnold, Gerald and Sid. 

Pretty much everything is resolved and things return to normal between the kids. 

But I hate this episode. I hate this episode so, so much. Arnold has spent the entire series helping these people out in some form or fashion. Literally thats the entire show. And after everything he’s done for them they’re so. Quick. To. Turn. On. Him. 

Sound familiar???

4) Hidden Personality                   vs.          Surface Personality

 I do not refer to the cruddy “true selves” thing half the Miraculous fandom believes in. Depending on one’s individual circumstances, environment and how comfortable they are, said person’s behavior can fluctuate or even do a complete 180. This can be kinda frustrating when dealing on one’s own--”Who am I anyway? Is that me or is this me???”

It’s all you, fam.

Arnold and Helga are themselves too, no matter what metaphorical/actual mask they put on. There’s the side that everyone sees and then there’s the side almost no one sees. The hidden personality isn’t hidden due to a lack of trust, necessarily, but rather it is the result of retreating to their respective “shells”--ones which both Arnold and Helga were kinda punched, kicked, and shoved into. 

Helga’s surface personality: Class bully, puts up a tough front, constantly torments Arnold because she can’t stand him and his niceness

Helga’s hidden personality: Poetic, abused and isolated, is in love with Arnold to the point of being obsessed with him and bullies him via surface personality in order to hide that fact

Of course Adrien is no bully--his reasons for not being the “cunning, funny, ultra-charming Chat Noir” 24/7 DOES have a lot to do with his toxic household, his dad, and the overwhelming expectations which are constantly smothering him as Adrien. 

Adrien is a bug under a magnifying glass (or so he feels)

Chat Noir is a chance for a freedom.

 Adrien’s surface personality was molded by his dad.

 Helga’s is the result of her entire family. Her father is brash and loud, her mother is a confirmed alcoholic, her sister is a gifted prodigy, well-rounded and spends most of the series at university or elsewhere. Although her sister, Olga, has been shown to genuinely care for Helga, Olga is kinda the reason their parents neglect Helga. With their first daughter being the genius and prodigy she is, Helga’s parents poured all of their pride and affection and parental devotion onto her. Meanwhile Helga had to walk to pre-school alone. At four years old. In the rain. Not for the last time. 

Which leads me to the next parallel.

5) Umbrella in the Rain

squeals in delight over this parallel<3<3<3

If you’ve never seen Hey Arnold! do yourselves a favor and watch this short little clip over how Helga and Arnold first met. If you have seen it, watch it anyway because it is the most adorable clip in the entire show.

Dr. Bliss: “So nobody’s ever noticed you?”

Helga: “...There was someone.”

The soft way Helga confesses that--you can actually hear how grateful she is to have such a tender memory from such a painful time. 

 In a similar manner, Adrien offered his umbrella to Marinette. Of course Adrien did it because Mari had to walk home in the rain and Arnold did it as a simple gesture of kindness (seeing as they were already at the school)--one of the many kind acts he displays throughout the series. 

 But just like Adrien needed unconditional love coming from somewhere, so did Helga. They were both denied this one common necessity which everyone else around them had. It’s not a lot to ask for, and they should’ve already had it coming from their families--but they didn’t.

 And then, one rainy day, there it was--the unconditional love they needed.

6) Clinginess

What happens when you take someone, specifically a love-starved abused child from an unstable home environment--deprived of the one thing most crucial to their mental well-being--and miraculously provide them with that very necessity? 

Clinginess. 

I can’t really think of the correct word to describe this. “Clinginess” is pretty close to what I’m trying to describe, if not on point, so let’s go with that. 

 What I mean is Helga and Adrien both need Arnold and Ladybug respectively. That’s not a bad thing--it’s okay to need somebody else. What’s bad is hinging your entire being on this one connection. For if either kiddo were to be left behind they wouldn’t handle it very well.

 It can’t really be helped with either Helga or Adrien. They didn’t really have the option to learn certain things and went deprived of unconditional love for such a long time. They’re kids--nine and fourteen/fifteen respectively. They’re not perfect and they’re traumatized for life. Being denied love from your family--the very people designed to love you--would do that to a person. Naturally they would cling to the first people to show up and provide them with the love they needed. 

 The Hey Arnold! wiki says this about Helga and Arnold’s relationship

Due to her unstable family upbringing where both her mother and father constantly neglect [Helga] and shower all of their attention onto Olga, leaving her deprived of the love and attention she needed growing up. On her way to preschool, Arnold helped her by keeping the rain off her with an umbrella and even complimented her on her hairbow. He even later gave her crackers during their snack time. Arnold's kindness and being the first person to notice her quickly caused Helga to transfer all of her love and attention to Arnold.

Of course Adrien’s tunnel vision isn’t quite as bad as Helga’s.

 He treats his friends better.

 He does love his father--

Even though his father is THE. 

WORST.

 PARENT.

 EVER!!!

--because he’s Adrien and he’s just too precious a cinnamon roll and that’s still his dad even if the man does belong behind bars.

7) Unhealthy Obsession

I--

I...

Ugh. I am not going to delve too far into this. You’re just going to have to take my word for it. Helga’s creepy stalker behavior is a thousand times worse than Marinette’s. That pic up there of Helga hiding out in Arnold’s room watching him is pretty decent evidence to back up my argument, but it’s hardly the only example or even the worst incident.

 Honestly I’m amazed at what Nicktoons were able to get away with in the late nineties/early 2000s. 

But yes, Helga’s obsession with Arnold is rather unhealthy in the most extreme moments leading her to display behavior which is more often than not disturbing and concerning. 

The Hey Arnold! wiki has this to say about Helga’s obsession with Arnold

Helga is possessive of her love for Arnold and thinks non-stop about him to the point of obsession. This is evidenced throughout the series by the many shrines and poems she makes of Arnold and of her frequent dramatic soliloquies about her love for Arnold.

Again--Mari isn’t as bad as all that. She’s a sweet girl with many healthy relationships in her life. She has ambition, creativity, and drive. But yeah she can be rather possessive of Adrien too, and that needs to stop. Like right now. Adrien doesn’t need another girl being possessive of him and thinking he’s perfect--he needs someone who acknowledges him as a flawed person and loves him despite that. 

As for Helga and Arnold--show creator Craig Bartlett confirmed they are “made for each other” and wind up married with three kids, so I’m guessing Helga grew out of some of these bad habits? Or at least I hope so...

8) Helper/Humanitarian tendencies

As mentioned before, the plot of Hey Arnold! is more or less about Arnold helping people. As stated by Gerald in The Jungle Movie, “He’s a humanitarian! Like his parents!” Of course not every episode is about Arnold helping people. There are episodes devoted to supporting characters and they’re just as enjoyable and satisfying. 

 But as he is the titular character he spends a lot of time in the spotlight. 

Remember that “best christmas special EVER” episode I mentioned before?

 The reason it’s the best special, in my less than humble opinion, is due to a few things.

 The special is not about Santa Claws. In fact, I don’t think he’s even mentioned, let alone shown and treated like an actual living character.

The focus on the entire episode is again on Arnold helping someone, but he doesn’t succeed. Not really.

The one who succeeded in helping someone was Helga, who accomplished the goal Arnold had set out to do. 

The episode deals with some rather dark subject matter and is actually quite heartwarming as the “perfect present” Arnold was trying to provide someone with wasn’t something you can buy in the store

It’s also one of the episodes where Helga’s love for Arnold leaves her to do good and as her love for him is a secret, she expects nothing in return. She’s just happy to help him.

 Kinda similar to Mari who is, as Adrien puts it in Mayura, “Our every day Ladybug.” Her kindness and devotion to helping others is what drives her as Ladybug and Marinette. It’s what brought Ivan and Mylene together. Is the reason Nathaniel and Mark now have a comic book together. And at the end of the day, that’s the reason for her strange behavior around Adrien--she wants to help him. Even if it’s just as a “good friend.” 

9) There are two main characters

Although Hey Arnold! is technically a show about Arnold, one could argue it is just as much Helga’s story. 

Similarly, Miraculous: Tales of Ladybug and Cat Noir is named thusly in order to convey the fact that Adrien is just as much a main character as Marinette is. 

Although I must say Hey Arnold! did a much better job of giving it’s co-character their dues. GIVE. ME. MORE. CHAT NOIR. FOCUSED. EPISODES. DAMMIT.

But, yes, in terms of screen time, Helga gets about as much as Arnold does. Her story and struggles were given just as much importance as Arnold’s and many people have even come to believe that the show is really about Helga. I’d say its about both of them.

10) Constantly bumping into each other

Granted this happens between Arnold and Helga more often than it does to the love square dorks. 

 But yes the two people meant to be together keep knocking into each other in their respective universes. 

 I forget who, but I remember reading that someone a while back theorized that this was the universe’s way of trying to push Arnold and Helga together. Kinda like the “Now kiss!” meme

Perhaps it’s the same for Adrien and Marinette? 

;)

[i-simp-for-gintoki]

Shikamaru with an Uchiha!S/o

“I saw that you did a Yamanaka!s/o for that anon, it was great! Can I ask for another one with Shikamaru, but this time with a Uchiha!s/o? Like, idk, if Sasuke had a twin sister and she stayed on the village, but she's a shinobi too? And she uses a sword like her brother, and some people of the village look at her suspiciously because of what her brother did? Thank you!!!” -anon

This came out kinda way longer then i meant it too be and wasn’t 100% focused on you and shikamaru so im sorry about that. 

Oh b o y

Where do i even start?

Being an uchiha, especially directly related to sasuke did not make you look good what so ever

You two were close at one point, inseparable even, but once your elder brother slaughtered your whole clan, you both kinda drifted a bit.

Don’t get me wrong, sasuke still cared for you and vice versa but he was much more cold and closed off about his feelings

No more “lets train to impress nii-san, y/n-chan” type of shit anymore

You still tried to remain a bit positive, and be nice to others unlike your brother

You didn’t agree with wanting to kill Itachi, because what good would that bring? How would killing someone because they killed solve anything?

During the first few years of school, shikamaru might not care much for you

Just another classmate in his eyes

Might even have a few negative thoughts in the back of his mind since you guys are twins

He never cared for sasuke since he’s never anything but an ass to people

And when he’s not he’s acting like a cocky shit

He thought you guys acted the same but that proved to not be the case when he saw you outside of class once

He was out getting some dango at a new place with choji and thats where he saw you

He didn’t really want to greet you but much to his surprise you greeted them with a smile

Even offered some of your dango and choji was extremely grateful for that

You guys held a pleasant conversation and ever since then have hung out at the dango place after school

After you guys became official shinobi, you didn’t have time to hang out every day but you did when you had the chance

You once got shikamaru to wear his headband actually on his head instead of his arm and boy did he look stupidly handsome

During some point in the chunnin exams, you noticed your brother’s desire for power has grown an alarming amount

It was no longer “lets train and ask our sensei’s to give us jutsu” but “I will do anything and everything in order to gain more strength”

It honestly scared you and so you went to shikamaru and ranted about it

He acted annoyed that you went on and on about someone he didn’t care for, but did truly listen to your words

“Don’t worry, its just his teenage angst faze kicking in.” “...maybe”  “I’m pretty sure everyone gets it, it’ll pass” “Even you?” “my emo faze lasted three whole minutes as i watched choji eat the food i was looking forward to all day”

Sasuke basically stopped showing emotions to you after the exam and it really saddened you

He basically treated you as someone he lived with

Not family or friend but like “oh thats my room mate i guess”

You were out with shikamaru when sasuke ran off to find naruto, he didn’t bother to explain and you honestly didn’t care

He wants to brawl with the loud blonde? Go for it

What you didn’t know is that he would run into Itachi

Or that itachi joined some terrorist group

You didn’t hear this news until later on when your sensei sat you down and explained the situation

shikamaru cheered you up as best as he could

when the Nara became chunin, instead of sitting besides sasuke all day who was recovering from a mission, you hung out with him

Sasuke wasnt that injured anyways and he may or may not have told you to quit worrying about him

called him handsome and he basically turned into a tomato 

got some bbq with his friends and when ino started commented about minding your weight and looks and stuff you kinda became slightly insecure in the moment

he cheered you and choji up by making a few jokes

you gave him a peck on the cheek and dude he had such a dumb smile on his face

ah man ive written too much and havent even reached shippuden yet im sorrryyy

lets speed threw this then

when sasuke left the village you were distraught but he did his best to cheer you up

reassured you he and his team will bring him back

you wanted in the mission and he was hesitant about it

you were a damn good kunoichi and you also had the sharingan too so that could help 

he eventually agrees

when yall fail the mission you cry because your emo duck-bitch of a twin didnt even bother to say good bye

Shikamaru does his best to make you feel better but he feels so guilty

he sincerely apologizes and chokes up a bit when hes talking about how he failed the mission and broke his promise on getting him back

you hug him and say its okay

from then on you guys get closer than ever

You dont remember exactly when but you got a sword, almost like a katana 

you learn how to use it and love it

Add some fire or lightning to it, man you feel like a bad ass

you carry it everywhere with you

little do you know you basically chose the same sword as sasu-gay

by the time shippuden starts, shikamaru awkwardly asks you out and you agree

as much as shikamaru loves you, the village doesnt think to well of you

your eldest brother slaughtered your clan and joined a terrorist group

and now your twin goes rouge and is proceeding to head down a darker path with orochimaru

they probably expect you to do something similar

some people even think that you only stayed in the village so you can give them intel and sell out the leaf’s secrets

basically the village cares for you as much as Tobirama did for the uchiha

not too much. 

in fact if you were gone they could finally be free of any uchiha

If your bothered by those rumors or things people say, shikamaru can’t really do anything to stop them

But he can do his best to take your mind off it

Might get you some dango and say to go cloud watching, or nap under some tree to let you relax

But remember this isn’t a one way relationship, you do stuff for shikamaru as well

When he was feeling stressed (though he didn’t really show it) about planning the next chunnin event, you gave him a massage and just let him relax

You got him his favorite food and took him to his favorite hill

He doesn’t really rant or talk a lot about his problems

He’s too lazy too and doesn’t feel like its that important

You make it clear to him that every opinion he has matters

You two some times go on little small lunch dates

Ino and choji are always somewhere in the background watching

Ino probably comments that you got the uchiha good looks and with out thinking shikamaru just agrees

Definitely became embarrassed when ino squealed and shook him around

Ah man there is actually to much drama around sasuke and itachi in shippuden and im lazy so lets forget about that 

I think shikamaru with an uchiha!s/o would probably be an 8/10 experience depending on how angsty you get

[butchpeabody]

you know what im sick and tired of seeing people with the incorrect opinion (/hj) on part 4 pride so heres MY headcanons

akira- 100% that is a gay man, i can see him being either cis or trans ngl? probably leaning towards trans

angelo- cishet ❤

aya- ive said this before but she is moriohs resident elder lesbian, i also think shes trans because with the way her stand works it makes WAY too much sense. definitely a mentor figure for yukako

josuke- my friend who got me into jojo headcanons him as a trans pan man and i think that holds!

joseph- i think cishet joseph is a very funny headcanon but i would be remiss to not say hes undoubtedly bisexual

jotaro- gay and arospec! i dont really have any strong opinions on gender headcanons for him but im gonna say hes trans to piss off cishet jojo fans

keicho- cishet 😔

koichi- i can see him being either gay or bi but im FIRM on him being an ace trans man

mikitaka- im of the belief he is actually an alien, so i think he has a different concept of gender to everyone else? he would be like the equivalent to a cis nonbinary, but hes definitely bisexual

okuyasu- thats a good ol himbo! cis gay man

reimi- maybe me being indulgent but i think she can be a nonbinary lesbian. one of those she/theys.

rohan- as much as i say i hate him that is undoubtedly a gay man. idk if he's cis or trans i havent put thought into it

shinobu- definitely bisexual, ive also been fond of her being trans recently? hayato is adopted and shes trying to figure out how to tell him, but in the end their relationship is stronger for it and he still loves her :)

tamami- cishet (as derogatory as you can comprehend)

teronosuke- hes one of them bisexual nonbinaries!!!!

tomoko- my serious headcanon for her is that shes bi. my joke headcanon is that eventually after being without joseph long enough she said "im sick of pretty boys. ive decided to only like girls now!" she is also cis

tonio- similar role to aya, but as a gay man. probably cis tho

hazamada: im not touching this one im sorry class

toyohiro- nonbinary mlm!! no cisgender person looks like that

yoshikage and yoshihiro: i cannot percieve either of them as anything other than cishet. i do not hate you if you hc kira as mlm i just cannot personally envision it .

yukako- withholding my essay for now, shes a cis lesbian! closeted at the time of part 4 though, she has stuff to work out :(

yuya: i wanna say transhet but i could also see him being bi

[cosmosrival]

Rico besides Kama what do you think about the other indian servants?????

AHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS GOING TO GET SOOOO LONG!!!! i have a different view of the indo fam as a whole. i call them the indo fam but i mean the found family trope!!!! theyre like a group of college students sharing a dorm if that makes sense, since their servant selves are obviously different from their initial myths/human vessels!!!

OK SO. RECENTLY, i have an oomf that found books about arjuna that summarize his exploits in the mahabharata(I DONT HAVE THE STRENGTH TO READ IT ALL IM SO SORRY) and also talk about him in a more philosphical manner such as his states of mind during each event etc and i’ve been meaning to read said book because im genuinely interested in arjuna now!!! and i’d like to know more about this indo prince because from what i’ve seen, he is portrayed in a rather bad light(?) in FGO which i find extremely !!!!!!!!!!! and incrdibley !!!!!!! strange !!!!!!! the mahabharata’s conflicts can be put in a mostly grey area where there’s no good nor bad, its not black and white. so seeing arjuna get bashed because of the way his conflict with karna was written is... hm. let’s say that im REALLY starting to understand arjuna fans that dislike seeing him get mischaracterized so much. OTHER THAN THAT, his design is adorable, his travel outfit is my favourite because he deserves to relax and have some fun!!! fgo making him a chuuni is cute and his VAs little moans are cute cute cute!!!!!!!!!!! (mash grabs my shoulder and forces me to sit down) i think that arjuna deserves better and im really happy to see him have fun in his travel costume voicelines. i think we should take arjun on a date!!! he’s a great lover, we’d have the best time!! OH ALSO, kama seeing him as the student council president in their interlude makes me SOOOOOOO HAPPY its unreal, i think it fits him very very well, the seitokaichou who was elected because of everyone’s hopes and recommended by teachers because he’s suuuch a good student but because of that, the pressure to be good is constantly towering over his head and everytime he looks out the window he wishes he could ditch class and skip a day just because he felt like going to the arcade and be a bad student.......just this once........i think hes very very cute...... i want him to cook for me. HAVE YO U READ HIS BOND 4 VOICELINE ?mmmmmggg i want him to get embarrassed everytime i praise him for having such a muscular waistline. AUG

ANEWAYS i also have quite the thoughts about karna, his characterization in the game is linked to arjuna’s and thats fine but i think that forgetting how much of a little sassy bastard he can get was a mistake! did you know that in apocrypha’s german dub on netflix, when jeanne calls his name like “You’re Karna, aren’t you ? The son of the Indian Sun God !” HES LIKE “So ?” AND THAT WAS SOOOO BITCHY OF HIM, i think that karna is a good boy in fgo but the fact that he was such a fighty old man in the mahabharata shouldnt be forgotten and is a charm trait. I MEAN ???? HE THREW HANDS WITH AN 18 YEAR OLD(ARJUN) WHILE BEIN LIKE... THIRTY TWO. WHATS WITH THIS ANNOYING OLD MAN !!!!! knowing these little facts about him made me like him so much more actually !! i think karna being so nice is adorable!! but the little bitchy energy u can find in his voicelines is also very charming!! i think karna looking at me emotionless as i ask him to lend me his notes for the nth time that week and then saying “...Mn.” when i thank him is cute!!! his voiceline towards things he dislikes is interesting to me. karna seeming aloof and mean bc he doesnt know how to communicate but is actually nice underneath...... hey... thats a little delinquentcore........ i wouldnt say yankii but hes like... hes like... u know hes the handsome quiet one of the group of yankiis... u know the one...? hey where are you going

ganesha is also a character im deeply interested in but i havent played CCC so i dont know that many details about jinako herself !! my brain goes HMMMMMM it seems lord ganesha is trans in fgo ! (since kama used to be a male god originally as well!!) ganesha uses all pronouns!!! and ganesha is also special to me because they share similar traits with kama when it comes to their characterization AND mischaracterizations. ganesha isnt JUST jinako. theres a part of a god in the servant mix!!! and jinako HERSELF is actually a pretty sad character imo. the whole otaku/neet thing is obviously a facade and her true wish being that she wants to redo her whole life is also proof of how much she hates what shes become, yet at the same time, she doesnt know what else she could do. but anyways, i prefer looking at servants from a lore POV so i think that ganesha should still be considered a god and be adressed as such!! i like seeing people portray ganesha as jinako but i prefer it when a certain lavish more godly side of them is put forward. a side of jinako that managed to move on a little bit if that makes sense ? that got more serious. and became someone else entierly despite sharing similarities. needless to say their bond with karna makes me happy since he shows them respect as you should towards a god!! its a bit different from their bond in CCC... like they matured somewhat!! anyway ganesha is the one who taught everyone else in the indo fam about video games and technology and i will NEVER shut up.

ashwatthama..... MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM %_’(’ç_”’è_ç(è_’”545656455456545453£¨¨µ¨µMµ¨++°=)=)°+ goodness. jesus christ on earth. my love story with him makes me so embarrassed. when he got revealed i instantly fell in love with him despite knowing JACK SHIT ABOUT HIM but since i was the only one in my friend group who was hardcore into fgo at the time, i kept my love for him to myself and just... (looks away)(i drop my wallet full of picturses of him) quietly adored his everything in silence. WELL, ree having an intense crush on yankii type characters isnt new, its been my favourite trope for ages (gyarus go in hand with them!!) and im still very attached to it so thats what made me love him in the first place!!!! BUT THEN. I GOT INTO HIS MAHABHARATAN LORE. And OHHHHHHHHH BABY.......... (im twirling my hair) so theres this 7ft tall war criminal..........<3<33<3(mash leans in and informs me that the convention of geneva didnt exist at the time) SO THERES THIS 7 FTTALL IMMORTALMAN.......<233 gOD he makes me absolutely CRAZY9909840385%£%%£%%µ%µ%µ the love i have for this character is immense and whenever im sad i remember that pako exists and has a tablet and can draw and i suddenly feel so much better. ok im gonna stop horny posting a little bit. but hes my wife. AND WHAT I LOVE ABOUT HIS PORTRAYAL IN FGO IS THAT, they actually made him a good boy despite his initial roughness and misdeeds ???!!! HELLO?? ashwatthama wishing for a redemption ark is my favourite thing and his righteousness that was born because of his regrets is a very interesting drivepoint to me !!! hes a gorgeous character and im buying a ticket plane as we speak right now so i can go find him in northern india. i’ll find him. GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME !!!!!GET OFF ME !!!

miss lakshimi makes me very sad! because every female servant in the indo fam is an already known face. (... would sita count.) and lakshi being a jeanneface is a waste. well, she’s still very pretty and her lore is also quite interesting!! i havent looked into it fully yet but i think she should be kissed on the mouth. her bad luck makes me slip on a banana peel whenevr i get close to her to kiss her and i hit my head on the pavement and pass away- 

parvati is on a tough spot for me atm. i genuinely love thinking of her as the way the indian goddess herself is portrayed because thats where the fun lies for me in her character. especially when shes involved with other indian servants, thats a given!! i would like to see parvati grow, suffer and heal. because branding her as an “all-knowing mom” is easy, but every single parent makes mistakes if you follow that logic. also, since shes the sakura servant “thats closest to her initial personality”, she’s got some of the most Repulsive fans ive Ever witnessed in fandom spaces and lets say that im trying to work my way out of this hellhole and find things to like about parvati without the fandom’s influence. needless to say, im going to keep looking into her mythos and her lore by myself at my own pace and keep doing my own thing in my little corner. 

rama shouldve been a jock. THE RAMAYANA IS OLDER THAN THE MAHABHARATA, WHY IS.....Hrm well him being summoned as his baby version gives me hope for a future rama alt perhaps??? but i think that he shouldve been a total jock and he shouldve been huge with a huge red lion-like mane for his hair and a teethy grin and big biceps and intense love for his wife. SPEAKING OF SITA, her charm point is her purity but i wish.... that their artist still hadnt drawn them like That, im not a fan of lily servants and i think purity = being young is a bit of an annoying excuse!!! rama and sita looking similar is because of their shared history which is fine but... rolls my eyes............. rama shouldve been 6ft tall and sita shouldve been a milf to match...... anyways i doubt ravana would be added as a servant but i’d love to have a ramayana centric event!! where all indo servants have their own lore centric role to play!!! oh thatd be a dream.... but i have learned to not expect much from a fanservice game so im jus gonna draw my own stuff! (strikes a pose!) (mashu claps!)

[adhbabey]

hi. im really sorry for bothering you. this is also a long ask so im really sorry. and im sorry if im ranting. i feel like i need to explain and give the entire story and everything. it ends up leaning to overexplaining. and im already doing it. ok. so sorry. so, for the last few months (six or seven) ive been questioning if i have adhd. i show many symptoms such as sensory overload, hyperfocus, emotional dysregulation, rsd, delayed sleep phase syndrome, inattention (1/6)

hyperfixation and emotional hyperarousal, some problems with memory and object permanence, a selective memory like i memorized an entire 369 page book but i forgot where my phone was when i put it out of my direct line of sight, 

i stim (drawing, moving, humming, etc) and i need stimulation or i die, I’m bad with remembering to shower/eat/brush my teeth and i will forget to change my outfit for days on end, 

I have trouble controlling my volume and all of this: ( Do you feel like you’ve ruined everything when someone tells you that you did something wrong? Do you think you’ve offended people when you haven't? Do you have a hard time judging reality correctly (like you think you’ve offended or hurt someone and you feel awful but it didn’t bother them that much)? ) But I still don't show the "normal" signs of ADHD. 

I’m not loud or disruptive in class. i get excellent grades. i took the act in 7th grade and got a 23 (good for a seventh grader).

i don’t struggle with getting things done, if they have a deadline. no deadline, never even going to start. but i’m known in school as the smart kid, with perfect grades and in the gifted program. when I’m at home i get all my homework done immediately. everything is turned in one time or before the deadline. 

I don’t have time blindness unless I’m hyperfocusing. otherwise I’m way too acutely aware of time. i can guess what time normally within two minutes without looking at a clock. 

I’m constantly stressed about making it to places on time and am never late. and ADHD is a disability, but I’m doing fine, it hasn't affected me really at all, so i don’t feel like I’m valid enough to talk to people about getting a diagnoses or even talk to people that i might have it. i don’t even think they'd believe me. they'd just brush it off that i was lying, i was trying to justify why i forget what I’ve just been told or why i disrespect the teachers by drawing instead of looking them in the eye.

I just don’t know what to do, and so I’m asking you, do you have any advice? should i talk to someone? 

It’s not affecting me really. I’m not struggling. i have friends, social skills and i do great in school, i turn things in on time and all that. i don’t have major issues that a lot of ADHD people face. You have to have at least six symptoms interfere with your school, home, social life before you’re 12. I’m 14. but i show so many now i don’t know what to do. sorry for the rant. any advice?

I’m so sorry I didn’t answer this sooner, by the way, I’ve not been able to get on my computer in the past couple of days, so I deeply apologize. But for first looks, by the fact that you made a wall of text, in which I edited down for an easier time reading, you absolutely have ADHD. 

I’m going to say this, one thing, it absolutely affects you. Just because you aren’t having bad days, doesn’t mean you never will. And it’s likely that you’re not struggling so much, because you are currently in a structured environment. I was in a similar position when I was still in public school. I didn’t realize that I had ADHD until I was 20 and entered an unstructured environment for college. It was then I began to struggle so much that I wasn’t able to clean my dorm room and had an ant infestation. 

And you don’t need to be disruptive to have hyperactivity symptoms, especially if you are assigned female at birth, afab people are taught to mask things, and tend to end up being called drama queens, chatty and daydreamers. So if you feel the need to brush off your symptoms, its because we are unfortunately taught that. 

With executive dysfunction, its literally about having a hard time starting tasks, thats what they mean. Also many neurodivergent people can relate to the “gifted kid syndrome”, you are not alone in that. 

For time blindness, being stressed about the time or hyperaware can be a sign of overcompensating for the fact that you may not have an internal clock. Time blindness is when you are doing something and next time you check its 2 hours later but it felt like 15 minutes. If you have anxiety about the time its a sign you experience time blindness. 

Also its a neurodivergent thing to hate eye contact, and with us who have ADHD, it helps to focus on something visually to listen to them. Stimulating certain senses can be important for not getting distracted, because its a controlled thing to keep you occupied, so your other senses can be used better. 

You should talk to your school counsellor and parents if you can, tell them that you relate to specific symptoms on this list. Say you think you deal with executive dysfunction and all this stuff. Because while you may not struggle as much right now, you may struggle worse later and its important to start managing it now for the future. 

I hope this helps. Sorry for taking so long!!!

[its-afucking-mess]

i miss ya too much not to send asks and i'll sign bc my other blog is awkward. also i'm waiting for my next class so i'm still doing good and still feeling guilty about not writing even tho i'm not looking to my blog but okay (:(

so, so i have something in mind, imagine something similar with friends, and thomas asking dami for advice on how to ask you to marry him and he guiding thomas to act with you like he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you anymore so that when he proposes you would be delighted or something,, and then thomas begins to treat you with distance and avoid exchanging so many messages with you during the day, bc dami idea sounded good to him, even if against his will, and even knowing from damiano that you would have talked to gio about how weird thomas was lately and you were afraid he might be falling out love with you he would have believed damiano telling him that this was really what should be happening, that everything was going as planned, and somehow thomas would believe and go with the plan,,, you starting to treat him with indifference too, already hoping that he would end up with you, you always avoiding spending too much time around him because you couldn't take it anymore, until one day you show up at gio's house, dami being there too, crying a little and saying you wouldn't come back home because it hurt you to think about being close to him when he clearly doesn't feel the same about you anymore and gio looking at dami like, *fucking angry face*, and then dami telling you what was going on and apologizing and you wanting to kill him only so that in the end you plan that to end this you who would propose to thomas yourself,,,you'd go back home, or imagine you showing up at the studio with gio to see rehearsal and at break when thomas would talk to you, his puffy eyes and red nose, you would start with a speech about how you don't want to be his girlfriend anymore, panicking the hell out of him, until you take his hand in your and take a ring out of your pocket to put on his finger... but giving him a hard time on it because what an ass move

- @mywritingonlyfans ily <3

jfjsjd i miss u too, and i love you too <3333333 (also please u can bother me w ur asks anytime just sign them off w something so i know it u)

Nfnskfjsjdi that is actually something damiano would do, im sure hes the guy thats luke "ive been w gio for 5+ years i must be doing something right" so dami is convinced noone knows better than him and the plan is amazing and couldny ever go wrong cjjsjf

and gio being like "i dont approve" but neither of the boys listen to her, literally the only reason u were sane before u went to gio n damis place to be sad

and omg his reaction!! hed be so scared that damis plan got him fucked over but then u propose to him, and hes frozen in space because "what" and he isnt sure what or how or when but he hugs u to the point of asphyxiation and hes v relieved aaaaaaa its adorable id kill u for that

[nia-journals]

Blind Date | YOONMIN Short Story

——————

park jimin sat in the cushioned chair, blind folded, wearing his casual best, in hopes of impressing whichever stranger his partner turned out to be. you see, his best friend jeon jungkook, had dragged him to one of those blind date events taking place in their city and now jimin sat like a complete idiot and for what? why was he trying so hard? he told himself he couldnt care less about this outing so why did he even bother wearing his best jeans?

jimin sighed and as the countdown on the intercom reached 0 he could hear footsteps approaching. this made jimin a bit anxious. his eyes were bound, he didnt know where in the room his friend jungkook sat and in less a second he would meet a complete stranger he’d spend the rest of this forsaken date with. jimin’s fight or flight instict ticked as he felt someone walk dangerously close to his chair. why the fuck did he agree to this? jimin thought, it was safe to say that whoever came up with a blind dinner date pop-up event was a complete idiot. he now sat in high alert waiting to defend himself despite the circumstances and the obvious fact that he couldnt see anything at all.

so he sat and waited; jimin was beginning to think he’d been stood up even in this stupid blind date. that is, until he heard;

“hello?” a stranger with a deep voice approached him, “im min yoongi,” his voice was eargasmic, it made the little hairs on jimin’s arms stand up and sent chills down his back.

“park jimin,” jimin introduced himself in a shy and unsually low tone. jimin wasnt usually shy but this man’s voice alone made him feel small, intimidated and dominated even.

“should we get right to it?” the stranger’s disembodied yet gravelly voice suggested, “i cant really ask you what you like to eat cause that’s against the rules so, ima take a hunched here and hope you enjoy it. is that ok jimin?”

jimin nodded like an idiot, in a trance. unlike five seconds ago now jimin mentally thanked whoever’s stupid idea was to wear blindfolds cause if not yoongi would be completely exposed to his dialated pupils which signaled his lovey dovey eyes.

“ok, i placed the order. when it comes out please be completely honest with me,” yoongi said, after quietly thanking who i assumed was the server, “i promise i wont cry too hard.”

yoongi’s chuckle.

wow.

that was the most beautiful sound jimin’s ears have ever had the pleasure of hearing. the captivating sound was light and addictive, jimin wanted yoongi to chuckle all throught the night.

“don’t worry yoongi,” jimin let out instinctively. it didn’t matter how nasty what yoongi picked out for him was, he would lie, cheat, fibble, he would do anything to get a shot at a second date with this stranger with the honey dipped voice, “i wont go too hard on you.”

“no, please do but maybe lie about it to the host and we can always try again on our second date.”

jimin smiled, maybe a little too widely and he had to quickly remind himself that yoongi could still in fact see the idiotic smile plastered on his face, “already in for a second date? are you that whipped already?”

“i mean, look at you, park jimin. youre a whole vision in itself. i could sit here all night and talk about how perfect you look.”

“you havent even seen half of my face yet min yoongi,” jimin scoffed in a joking manner.

“fair enough park jimin,” he spoke in a tone of newfound confidence and determination, his voice dropped about two octaves and jimin again froze at how deep and addicting it was to listen to min yoongi’s voice, “let’s get to know eachother before our meal comes to us.”

“fine,” jimin said clearing his throat, “that sounds fine by me.”

“are you from this area jimin?” yoongi asked in his husky tone. fuck this man’s voice would surely be jimin’s demise. he couldnt wait to take his blindfold off to reveal the face of the stranger whose voice had jimin wrapped around his finger.

“no, im actually from busan. i moved out to seoul with some of my friends for school.” jimin said.

“you all go to the same university?” he questioned.

“yeah we do. we all applied together and got in together so we just moved in together and attend the same school,” jimin shrugged. he was infact lucky to have friends who shared similar interests and life aspirations. lucky enough that after high school graduation while everyone waved goodbye to their bestfriends, jimin, taehyung and jungkook were packing together ready to take on the next four years of college right by eachother’s side.

“youre very lucky,” yoongi confessed, “not many people get to attend the same school as their bffs after high school. usually people grow apart.”

“yeah im glad i have them here with me. i’d be a lone wolf in seoul if it wasnt for them.” jimin said. “one of my bestfriends, jungkook, was actually the one who dragged me here?”

“wait are you an introvert park jimin?” yoongi questioned. jimin couldn’t see much of yoongi but he could feel the subtle movements the stranger made in his chair at the other end of the table.

“im as introverted as they come. it took a whole lot of will power, a lot of convincing by my friend jungkook and a million pep-talks from our dorm room to here to get me to calm down a bit,” jimin confessed.

“are you nervous right now jimin?” he let out in a soft yet deep under-tone. his whispering made him sound like an asmrist and jimin wasn’t sure he could handle listening to him talk im such a low tone any longer.

“well i was nervous yoongi, but-“ he began, “your voice.”

“what about my voice?” yoongi asked and jimin could almost hear the cockiness in his voice.

“it’s soothing yoongi, it’s really calming my nerves,” jimin was completely transparent with the man. well of course jimin hid the fact that aside from calming him down a bit, yoongi’s voice also aroused him. that detail he could definitely keep to himself, “in that case i’ll keep talking,” he was definitely now going to begin using his sweet and deep voice against jimin for the rest of the night, “what do you study in school, jimin?”

“dance,” jimin let out, “contemptorary dance to be exact.”

“have you danced for long?” yoongi questioned.

“since i was 9 years old.”

“so youre a professional?”

“i wouldn’t say so, i have a long way to go to be considered professional.” jimin answered modestly.

“i bet your the best in your whole university,” yoongi complimented him in such a casual tone.

“well thank you,” jimin said shyly, yoongi surely knew all the right things to say, “but im not even the best in the whole junior class,”

“i find that hard to believe. on our second date how about you show me your moves?” the butterflies in jimin’s stomach were out of control at yoongi’s blatant proposition.

but at that moment jimin promised himself that he would go dancing with yoongi on their second date.

“let’s take it one second at a time yoongi, i dont even know if i like the food you picked out for me yet,” jimin teased him, “what if it was a complete miss?”

“it won’t be, my gut never lies to me.” yoongi was definitely cocky but jimin thought that was part of his charm. jimin definitely liked it.

jimin laughed, god he wished he could see yoongi’s face right about now, “what about you yoongi? are you in school? are you from seoul?”

“ah, no-“ yoongi started, “im not from seoul, i was born and raised in daegu. i actually, like you, moved to seoul for school and studied music production. i graduated a few months ago. now i work with my friend who’s an upcoming rapper.”

“congratulations on graduating,” jimin offered and yoongi thanked him in return.

“whats his name?” jimin questioned, honestly wanting to know if he’s heard of his friends work at anytime, “your rapper friend. maybe ive heard the music you guys have made together before,”

“his names rm,” yoongi let out non-chalant but jimin almost chocked on his water.

“you’re friends with rm?” jimin let out in an overly excited tone, “my best friend jungkook loves rm.”

“i could get you two tickets to his next underground show if you’d like?” he asked, his offer sounded sincere.

“i couldn’t-“ jimin let up, “we just met yoongi. i wouldnt want you to have the wrong idea of me.”

“i could never park jimin,” there he goes saying jimin’s name again, it sounded so fucking perfect coming from him and jimin could honestly sit and hear yoongi say his name over and over and over until the sun comes up, “how about this, if you like the food i picked for you, i’ll take you and your friend jungkook to the next rm concert.”

“how about we leave the concert for a third date, i want you all to myself on the dance floor for our second date,” jimin said feeling fearless, teasing him a bit in the process, “well if i like the food you picked out for me, that is.”

“thats a deal park jimin, good thing we’re about to find out.” yoongi said, and less the a second later jimin could smell the delicious food being placed in front of him.

“do you want me to help you with that?” yoongi asked as he noticed jimin struggling a bit to find his fork.

“if you could please,” jimin was about to be fed by a stranger with the most mesmerizing voice. to say his heart was going to beat right out of his chest was no exaggeration.

a couple seconds later, yoongi let out an “open up,” and jimin was met with his favorite kind of pasta, shrimp scampi. jimin was glad yoongi picked out a meal he liked because this meant they had a chance at a second date and jimin couldnt wait.

immidiately jimin clicked the right button under his side of the table signaling he’s liked the dinner picked out by blind date partner. jimin quickly took off his blind fold and after his eyes adjusted to the bright lights in the room he was met with the most beautiful man he’s ever laid eyes on. his tanned skin was honey-like and there was a perfect contrast between his brown sugar skin and his plain white t-shirt. his wide gummy smile made his eyes turned to small crescent moons and at that moment jimin couldnt believe that such a perfect voice belonged to such a perfect human being.

“are you ready to put your dancing shoes on for our second date?” jimin asked as yoongi’s gummy smile grew in size.

———————

this story has very much been alive and well on ao3 give it love there!

thanks for reading <3

[bunnyriviere]

my god i cant get my head out of this mess so imma rant, then MAYBE i can focus on my assignment like damn babe i thought your passion is stats, why are you obsessing over a guy that doesnt care enough. huh? care about stats instead babe!!!!!! i just want to only have to care about maths but i know my life is ruined if i dont have relationships, so i try. but i must suck at it so bad if everything just ends in flame like this, im so tired im teary eyes.

im on my phone and honestly dont know how to do the uh line to cut short the post so if anybody unfortunately see this im sr :(

this is not even about a romantic relationship, i dont even know why i just couldnt like a person like that but damn fine. this is about a male friend i made in grade 11 i guess. i have never liked men. im afraid of them and dont want to have to interact with them ever. i know its bad and i should change but i just really want them away from me im sorry..... so i wasnt even friendly with him, but i was polite, i know how to be a decent person. he was friendly and nice and friends to all which only made me think aw geez just stop being friendly i know this is not because you like me. but i was eating the snack he brought to class anytime he brought it without much thought cause he offered i aint gonna say no. all the while still not consider him a friend. not until a friend said im not being nice if im eating his food while still not seeing him as a friend. and i have always feel bad about not being friendlier towards men in general and he made the 1st move which made it easier for me to just go along. so i did and thats how we became friends.

hes really nice and i mean it. i think really highly of him. maybe its just me having bad luck so i havent met many that are nice?? i really believe they are just myth tbh, im about to settle for that thought. and this guy is really how i wish is the standard for all men. hes just that good, i have no complain. i truly like him and glad that my friend said something cause otherwise we probably wouldnt be friends.

again no romantic feeling. i just have to, remind the invisible audiences of this post i guess.

now we all know covid. and because of it, i couldnt come home and wanted to lay in bed even more than normal. so i didnt push for it when he said he couldnt meet anybody in the summer because he didnt want to accidently give somebody it. just saying that cause this is a 2 ways road right, nothing is ever only his fault, its also mine. i want to rant about my feelings but i dont want to dismiss any mistakes i made yk. so we didnt meet up then.

christmas came and before then we were talking about christmas gift and i didnt wanna any so i didnt prepare anything also. this person is too nice and i dont want him to feel bad. but anw i just thought maybe we can still meet up even if its not for gift exchanging. but i didnt ask or anything at all cause well, hes from here, he has family and friends that are definitely closer to him, and he had work. i know hes busy and if he wanna hang out he know where to find me. i just dont want to accidentally add something more onto his list of to do. he would be too nice to say no. and we are not that close i dont want to add more work for him. i dont have relatives or friends here other than him so im free anytime if he wanted to meet up. but that didnt happen, i dont think we talked at all. which fine i hate to admit but i was hurt. ugh hate showing how vulnerable i am. yuck. yikes. -100/10.

i just didnt think about it? i didnt try to reach out either so that was my fault too but just, if he didnt care then i wont either. so i really didnt think about him anymore.

came reading week! it really was 1 year from the last time i saw him honestly. he asked to meet up and if i want to go somewhere and tbh no im in the countryside rn is that the corect word so there are no place to go. but i remembered this 2ndhand place i like to go sometimes and i hadnt gone in a while so why not. so we agreed on that. and i know he was probably just tired, and there are people who sigh a lot, its not uncommon. but not seeing him for a long while and knowing this is a place i suggested, him doing that really made me feel bad. i probably shouldnt, but couldnt get the thought that he was probably doing this just because hes friendly not because hes friend with me. it fucking sucked. when we got out and he dropped me back at my home i still felt so bad he didnt get to enjoy himself so i asked if we could watch jojo together. yeah he loves jojo. i dont really care for anime im so sr i prefer realing manga lmao sr.

now ok maybe im still being dumb, probably. but tldr i truly believe people can be friends and affectionate even when they are from opposite sex. it didnt work out so well cause i got molested lmao cause some other guy thought that was cool to do. so that honestly worsen my uh wariness of men. but like i said, i think ive said it, i trust this person. honestly i do, we hug a lot and i had never felt afraid of it. i believe he wont do anything. im just really comfortable around him. so we cuddled while watching anime, that had happened before im really sr if you think thats wrong, i still believe that could happen.

but maybe its because i was tense from thinking he really didnt enjoy hanging out with me that much. i kept connecting remembering what the molester did and while i just knew i swear i knew he wouldnt do anything like that, i couldnt get it out of my head. i felt bad for that but there were just 2 things that happened so similar to what happened with the molester. haizz he kinda laced our fingers together but it wasnt handholding, same thing happened once before with m-dude and it felt weird but i didnt want to question that friendship so i didnt. and at some point of jojo i kinda jumped and he held me back, not pulled me back or anything but was holding me in place, and it was probably to make me feel safe but honestly if anybody even use a little bit of force i will just think of when i finally got the courage to turn around to confront the other dude for touching me, he held me back and i couldnt move at all. i think i froze a bit.

argh back to the main story. see how i totally suck? hahaha just blaming this friend for something somebody else did. im so sorry, i suck.

well after that we picked up talking again but idk! was it me overthinking? was it? because it felt like he didnt want to talk to me at all. it was, how to say it. he was friendly yes he talked hmm. damn how-- it felt like he didnt care for what i said. its a feeling idk how to put into words. and that sucks. he didnt seem interested in me before, felt happy enough when we cuddled, then back to being uninterested. i knew i know he doesnt want me romantically. damnit am i only good now for hugs. are we friends? what i meant is not sex but am i only good for physical stuff? i dont fucking know, the m-dude obviously just want a fwb and i was to trusting to notice. is this my gut feeling or my anxiety idk!

another side story. another guy suddenly expressed interested in me right when covid hit but it was because he couldnt get over his ex so i stopped talking to him for a while and picked it back up when i thought he was no longer idk being annoying about it. i thought he had to at least like me as a person to even express he liked me romantically. but apparently not. he looked so uniterested suddenly and denied when i asked, then stopped reading my texts.

so you see. i just cant if haiz ok do- do anybody like me? just as a person? idk.

god i knew i fucking suck for being so sensitive and anxious and im sr for wanting stuff but maybe i want you to look like you care a bit when i said you are reminding me of the m-dude, instead of saying ok we can talk less then. i already felt like you dont want to talk to me, you dont have to say that...

officially crying heyho.

just saying no you dont dont like talking to me when your actions were saying the opposite is not cutting it either... i also thought highly of the covid confession guy too but what happened now. im sorry for comparing you to others! but i learn from experiences... and this was sus... (yah its a joke i cant help it.)

and if i just agreed and stopped talking to him right it just, felt like a confirmation that yeah its true hes just letting me hug him not because im his friend and he knows i like hugs so he lets me. but its more like its convenient that a girl is hugging him so he wont say no. something like that. that sucks. thats all im good for. if i were his friend, it would include the talking too.

ah!! i know we are not close, we are both casual friend. he is definitely not on my top list to tell stuff to but damn i still like him enough to hurt. and to not asking for too much.

so anw i kept talking with the anxiety that never got solved and that made me frustrated and i picked at his insecurity to made him hate me enough to stop talking to me cause i couldnt bring myself to stop, id feel so bad. this is really toxic and i admit this is not the first time ive done it, to a different person but its the same thing.

hahaha act like i hate him while just want him to see how i feel so bad. yeah im a tsundere.

it worked so i stopped talking to him for a week and focused on talking to my other friends. friends i know without a doubt love me and want me because i really didnt feel that with him at all. sorry i know you were tired with covid.

that made me felt better and i was not in panic mode anymore, i can calmly assess things now. and before, i felt bad because i truly believed i was just seeing things, i couldnt see pass my anxiety and was blaming him for what, nothing. he did want to talk to me. but my mind was clearer after that one week and yeah i cant really make more excuses? yes i was sensitive and made things worse, but there must be something for me to pick up first. it didnt just come out of thin air.

so i sent him some texts saying that, because just leaving without a word is bad communication. i have to tell him and at least give him a chance to change i guess? did he need change? im doubting myself.

i- hm he just said yeah his look and way of talking really make him look like hes tired and uninterested, and laughed at my marie kondo joke. you know the one. idk! all i saw in that was yeah thats how it is, accept it. and i-- i, cant? i dont want to... i dont want to :(

but my mindset for just about anything is value the process, not the result, like as long as you put work in! thats great! and he- he was, talking... he put work in..... i would feel so bad to deny it. but at the same time, it was not enough... i hate! to say you need to do at least this and that! but it didnt feel like enough..... im sorry :(((( i am.

ive talked about my tendency to lash out. last time i didnt want it but i had to get away quick so i didnt mean it but i still did it. but this time i was truly angry. because i just wished there was more care for me but i know that was all there was, and i couldnt do anything about it. couldnt even ignore him. he was even drier then, and i got it, i lashed out at him, ofc he wasnt going to be friendly. but just why were you trying so hard... no, no it was not trying hard, you were answering texts at the speed of once every 2 days. why were you answering at all? you clearly didnt want to. but again so was i. did i really have a say.

so i sent angry texts at him. about how fake his friendliness was, did he really consider me friend, why did he keep saying no it was not that he was uninterested while it was obvious that he was. also that i want to fight him. i really do want to. hopefully he will beat me up hard enough that i can be in a coma and die in 9 months idk. (listen 9 months is enough time to make a new human, if im not awake by then, you need to let me go, thats my wish.)

he said that no he doesnt like to fight and thats the last text i got from him.

because ofc i dont hate him him, the whole him idk what im saying. just angry and hate that hes not matching me on how we value this relationship i guess. not besties like how he likes to joke, but eh, was hoping more than what i was sensing. i still sent a text being like ok fine do you still want to talk and if so how do you want me to do. but he didnt answer it in time so i decided for him that nah we wont talk anymore.

heyho i was sad, i am sad. and ok hear me out, HEAR ME, i dont use tarot for future but just for my feelings and how to deal with them, and my deck said ok babe this is the end, you will have to move on now. so i will.

tbh lmao for every relationships that i emotionally invested in. i always make an essay on my feelings because thats how i conclude things, and so i wont forget that my feelings are legit. so the moment i started this post, hes dead to me i guess.

wow this post is long. but i did really like him so.

im moving to uni city next month but i know he will leave in the summer so i wont have to worry about seeing him then. and probably not further in the future either, we go to different uni and are quite far away and our common are not gonna question things i dont think. dont think they would even notice, we are not in a group or anything. and even if i do end up meeting him. my feelings while was anger, but it stemmed from sadness and disappointment so it wouldnt be too bad. on the other hand... m-dude..... i am afraid of meeting you, lets please please please not meet damnit.

[helahelahel]

hi! i wanted to request toko fukawa for the ask game you reblogged! i hope that's okay. hoping you are having a lovely day! p.s. your recent toko (and byakuya art with 'i am fashion blogger is so so wonderful! i love toko's argyle vest especially.)

hi ! first of all thank u for the questioon^___^ love u

and thank u for the compliments 😭♥️ (love her vest too)

for the ask game ive decided to kinda .... ignore syos existence so sorry about that

and yeah ...

 favorite thing about them

hm.,,,,, its too hard i just love everything abt her !!!!!!!! but the thing i love the most … her personality i think? i really relate to her and i feel like … its kind of cool to see a person who has the same thoughts as u? and voices the out loud? i think thats cool i love toko for voicing her thoughts out loud . also abt …. relating to her . its just i. kind of know how it feels to think like her? idk how to say it but i just . really relate to her . also we kind of have the same fears so hehe  … so i think this might be my favorite thing about her ? that i know how she feels and she . voices it out loud so i kind also admire her for that …. god this got kinda personal didnt it...

and other than that i just …. lvoe her so much  . also i think i fell in love with her while watching ultra despair girls walkthrough (didn't even finish thh at that time) and one of the reasons i did that was . her reaction to the word 'friends '

least favorite thing about them

oh well.,... the whole thing with byakuya… their relationship during and post the killing game… we all know how it looks like right… so yeah .

favorite line

maybe this i think … so inspiring

brOTP

togafuka !! hehe . i think . their friendship…  itd cool wouldnt it . but like … theyd need to work on it … also theres this hc ….. but ill explain it more in the random headcanon section

OTP

tokomaru ofc .. i think that . they kinda … both helped each other grow during their adventure in towa city? and they …. ikdk just love them u know

nOTP

oh not sure about this one… i guess i .. toko and junko ? cant really feel it u know...

random headcanon

well i guess i have to explain what i mean by "there's this hc".... so ill just explain it and post 2 … one togafuka (bc I wanted to explain it ) and one … happy? one bc todays been quite sad .

so basically … i hc them as good friends pre killing game. like they didn't really know each other before entering hopes peak but they met at hopes peak and became good friends there bc of their similarities like lonely life etc (there's also part kinda related to dr togami but its more abt byakuya so won't really talk much abt it) but yeah … they've became friends and kinda started changing for the better but then the killing game happened and u know what's next right 

ok enough about them right . so abt toko and toko only. i think she  kind of … likes when other do her hair? like braid her hair, style it etc also she loves  shopping ? but she always ends up trying something on, maybe takes a pic and sends it to komaru/ class 78 girls … but she mostly ends up not buying anything (not bc of lack of money bc she gets lots from royalties ofc it's not like togami level rich but) bc of her low self esteem… but she actually did buy a few things for herself and she was really happy while buying them 

unpopular opinion

oh im not sure  if i have any … sorry

song i associate with them

ohhh i actually do have a playlist with some of them hehe some of the songs are … not really abt her ? like they don't really fit her lyrically but I think they do fit her  … musically wise? dont know….

but overall ... i think ugly by 2ne1

favorite picture of them

lately it's been this picture of the actress playing her on dr the stage

it's just so happy hehee ^^^ but

i think this one ... wonderful

thank u for the ask^^ it was fun

[luvdsc]

i think its always so weird to meet someone your age who grew up completely different from you? i feel like thats when you really notice the difference and omg youre so brave haha i would never dare to go on a motorcycle 🤧 id rather just walk hehe oh, my parents told me similar stories!! even tho they grew up there and everything, they barely recognise the city anymore which is kind of sad to think about :( and, yes, that was my first time meeting my grandparents!! it was kind of weird (1/4)

because i had never met them before, but it was really exciting and great to meet them for the first time!!! and, NO, i have never visited farms before for school lmao we dont really farms around and SAME, my relatives just had chickens everywhere!! it was so weird and funny afsadfa and, no, there are barely any asians around me 🤧 its weird because i just always grew up feeling incredibly out of place at times and i dont know, i felt so at home in vietnam 💕 and i LOVE b99 too!! (2/4)

ive only watched the first five season of it tho because the other seasons arent available here!! but ive watched b99 soooo many times now that its truly insane haha and, yes!! you should definitely watch rpdr 🤧 its sooo dramatic and fun sdfsdfs oh, sad to hear that the ghibli films arent available in your country :( i hope they will be soon because the ghibli films are truly great! and, yes, the heir is the one with krystal!! whatd you think of it? and youre right, asian dramas are a (3/4)

whole new level of drama, but i feel like that makes it soo great? and, yes, id take that money any freaking day!! i mean couldn't they just use that freaking money and elope or something like that?? and im trying to get into painting because i used to do it a lot more when i was younger and i wanted to pick it up again!! what about you? and the last book i read was all the bright places!! im looking for books to read!! youve got any recs ? have a great night/day too 💕💕(4/4)

✿ ✿ ✿

ooo yeah i get it! i really love meeting new people and learning about new cultures and differences in growing up! and it’s also really cool to hear about the similarities too :’) the motorcycle was a wild ride, literally, but i was like “when else will i get to experience this?” jaslkjfdhasaf i did enjoy walking around though because it’s so beautiful 💕 omg yeah it’s really sad to see that so much has changed in the city that it’s unrecognizable for them, but meanwhile, the villages have basically stayed the same after all these years ): and that’s awesome!!! i hope you had a good time with your grandparents 💛

ahh i think i’m just used to seeing farms if we drive a bit outside of the cityscape, and quite a few of my school field trips were to farms, but omg you should visit one sometime maybe! it’s really fun meeting all the animals and interesting to learn about how to run a farm. did you get to collect eggs from the chickens in the morning? that was the fun part for me LOL and oh gosh, i can’t even imagine ): i hope you get to visit vietnam again soon 💛💛 do you want to move elsewhere after college? or will you stay in your hometown?

omg well season 6 and 7 are just as amazing and funny as the previous seasons!!! they won’t disappoint :’) i see all the memes from rpdr and i’m like yes, i must watch this. ah yeah, unfortunately, i have to go through those sketchy websites to watch studio ghibli. i’ve never watched it before i came to college surprisingly aksdjfhlkasjdf one of my suitemates made me watch a few with her when she found out LOL omg it’s been so long, but i remember thinking “damn they’re supposed to be high schoolers????” aslkdjfhalskf i also really like rachel in the drama and the actress that played her, so i watched fight for my way because of her :’) also i liked the friendship between the two main characters’ mothers! and minhyuk was such a good friend, and i thought the on air radio confession between krystal’s character and his was really cute akjdsfas

omg i think they’re a bit too dramatic for me asjkldhfalsjkdfas like if some guy grabbed my arm real hard like that, i’d be like “get tf off me now before i pepper spray you”  oh, but i really liked age of youth!!! i preferred the actress from the first season for eunjae though. and yes!!! also they were barely in a relationship to begin with? as yuta says, i can find love but i can’t find money. omg i love painting! what subjects do you like to paint the most? which medium do you use? i’ve been busy with painting for my quarter project and working on my coding assignments for class rip. and oooo i just searched for that book and found its pdf online; i’ll bookmark it to read later! ahhh i haven’t read a book in so long, but i really love fangirl by rainbow rowell and any poetry books by lang leav! i hope your week has been going well, honey bee 🌸