#but its something. Zimri's the most disconnected from it because they aren't really grappling with a lack of control

[isaacathom]

I think the unifying thread of my ttrpg ocs is dealing with the feeling that you don't have control, whether that's over something specific or over their whole lives. and they all respond to it a bit differently

For Naielle Odelia, she had control and lost it, and has been slowly trying to claw it back. She attributes the loss to forces outside of her, and that's technically true in that it was a result of knowledge she gained from her pact patron, but she was the one who sought them out, she was the one who asked, she was the one who spread it and faced the consequence.

But, sure, let's agree she had no control over how her life was flipped turned upside down. Since then, after making the only choices available to her, she now has options, and she has those options because of the trust and kindness of those around her. Her uncle forced her to get up out of her funk and do something, its because of him that she is a ship navigator now. Her commanding officer promoted her to shipmaster, it's because of him she has authority and has gained more confidence in her decisions. Things like that!

She wants to use her pact for good, and through the help of others, she has the opportunity, and she is taking it. She doesn't always have free reign - she never does, really, and the actions of the forces arrayed against them constrain her options - but she fights for the chance to make choices. After taking her failings lying down, she stands up.

For Florian de Kasimir, he doesn't feel like he ever had control. For him, the 'loss' happened so young (8 or so) that he never really had an opportunity to exert control over his life. And, unlike Naielle, the incident was not something of his own creation - it was a misunderstanding, it was lies, etc. But because of that, he lost authority over himself in a way that he thinks he still doesn't have.

He believes that his entire life has been at someone else's hands - his parents, the people who lied about him, his commanders in the army, the king. Hell, even the woman who hired him for this quest he's on. And he responds to this by using it as a justification for his own failings. Oh, I'm not smart? well thats not my fault. Oh, I'm an asshole? well its not my fault. At the start, he isn't responsible for anything in his life.

But that has slowly shifted. Because previously, his actions only really interfered with his own life. If he'd been caught with fisstech while travelling alone, it's only his own life derailed (typical). But after her boss found out about it, the party doctor was made to carry the fisstech, and now, well... that means someone else is on the hook for his situation, isn't it? The fact this is the first time he's travelled with a group for a long span of time helps him slowly realise that, ah. Even if he doesn't have control over his own life - does he? - his actions do impact others.

And that forces him to shape up a bit. That if for noone else but the others he'll make an attempt. He'll fight vainly against the fate arranged for him from on high, if others want him to. He'll approach it like that.

For Zimri Maier, it's a little more complicated, because they aren't sure when they lost control due to amnesia. Is the amnesia the loss of control? Or did something shift earlier, and they don't remember?

It's not really angsty for them, though. Because for Zimri, they don't really care about that past loss - they have some authority now, don't they? - it's about the why of it. Zimri is driven forward by wanting to understand why this has happened to them, how.

This is because there are two questions they don't have the answers to. Why did they leave their home in Lepidstadt for Thrushmoor? And why did they close their bookshop, when that was one of their life goals?

They aren't really sure what they want the answers to those questions to be. Maybe they want it to be something out of their control - family tragedy forcing them to move on, bankruptcy forcing a closure, etc - so that they can look back and feel comfort that they didn't make these decisions that seem so foolish and nonsensical in hindsight. Maybe it'd be more comforting to know they weren't responsible. But if they are? If those were choices made with full clarity, by choice? What would that mean? A self reflection on what that makes them, who it means they became - or is it have become? Is it a rare chance to see a road taken and its dangers, to learn from those mistakes? Who knows.